The Tuff Slay-ly T H E B A N A N A G R A M S - D E P E N D E N T S T U D E N T N E W S PA P E R S I N C E T W O W E E K S A G O
Monday, October 31, 1812
VOLUME LXXXIV, ISSUE 800
JUST OUTSIDE BOSTON
Monaco sells the SMFA: ‘We don’t want it anymore’ by Aaron Gruen
President Tony Monaco announced this morning that he would sell the School of the Museum of Fine Arts (SMFA) to the highest bidder. Monaco told the Daily that acquiring the SMFA was the “worst decision of my tenure” and “very much NOT an SMFslay,” in an apparent attempt at a pun. “I don’t understand the art these kids make,” Monaco said in an exclusive interview with the Daily. “They say it’s about Marxism, but it’s just a bunch of splotches of paint. Weird!” Following Monaco’s announcement, the SMFA Coven Of Witches (COW) assembled outside Gifford House to lay curses upon the President. COW, which is a TCUrecognized club, also painted pentagrams in goat’s blood on sidewalks around campus. The witches told the Daily in unison, “Omina mala sint cum Monaco Imperatore reliquis diebus, et semper olent fimum leporis!” Now that the school no longer belongs to Tufts, SMFA students will be banned from the Medford/ Somerville campus. TUPD officers have been instructed to escort
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anyone wearing Etsy crystal earrings or knee-high Dr. Martens boots off campus. Simone St. Claire du Océane, an SMFA student from
a Pisces, I’m very sensitive to emotional stressors and people whose last names are also countries. I immediately started crying when I heard Tony Monaco sold us out.” Onyx Blacksmythe, who tells people he cuts and dyes his own hair but actually goes to a boutique salon in Boylston, told the Daily he has already lost funding for his poststructuralist experimental mixed-media perfor-
Students are already thinking of ways they can save the SMFA. Tallegio Gordon, who is a vegan except for dairy, eggs, fish, chicken, pork and beef, is starting a fundraiser to support efforts to re-buy the SMFA for Tufts. “If you donate $10 to our fundraiser, I will give you a stick and poke tattoo!” Gordon said on his Instagram story. “You can have any design you want, as long as it is a root vegetable of my choosing. All proceeds will go towards buying back our school (and acquiring
more goat blood for the COW protestors).” Although SMFA students are trying to reincorporate the school with Tufts, we are told that several bids have been made for the school. Among those vying for control of the SMFA are Grimes, Raytheon, Nike (the ancient Greek goddess), Nike (the
Columbus, OH, said the decision to sell the school left her shocked. “We were just minding our business, smoking our menthol ciggies outside the Campus Center when we found out,” du Océane said. “As
mance art project. “I no longer get a stipend for my performance art: breaking into Dewick in the middle of the night and eating all of the leftover potato triangles,” Blacksmythe said. “If you break into Dewick in the middle of the night to eat potato triangles and there’s no one on your livestream because you don’t have the funding to publicize the event, do you even get to brag about it?”
shoe company) a n d the Sacramento Municipal Finance Association, who are only in it for the acronym rights. One fan of the decision to sell the SMFA is the bus driver in charge of shuttling students from Somerville to Boston. “Finally, I will get to start driving the route to Davis Square,” he said. “No offense to the SMFA kids, but I don’t care what happens to them.” In the future, Tufts Dining Services will no longer manage the SMFA Café. Instead, the café will be turned into a Dunkin’ Express. “Wait, we get a Dunkies at the SMFA? Then why are we so mad?” Gordon said. “Forget about Cummings Starbucks, this is much better.” This article is sponsored by Dunkin’ Donuts. America Runs on Dunkin’ ™ * Translation: “May bad omens be with the Emperor of Monaco for the rest of his days, and may he always smell like r a b b i t dung!”
Tufts Dining Announces Transition from Polypropylene Utensils to Polystyrene Utensils by Aaron Klein Executive Truth-seeker Tufts Dining Services announced in a Friday evening email to the community its plan to replace all polypropylene eating utensils with polystyrene eating utensils. The proposed change will impact all dining locations across the University’s Boston, Grafton and Medford/Somerville campuses. “The University has a long tradition of using polypropylene utensils,” Director of Dining and Business Services Patti Klos wrote in the email. “The history of these utensils at this institution is rich, but we feel it is due time for change.”
Spoons, knives, forks and sporks will all be affected by this change. The announcement comes as the trend of polystyrene utensil use continues to spread across the… Good, you’re still here. Now that the weak-minded are gone, we need to talk. I had to include all that fake boring information above just to ensure that only those driven enough would make it beyond. I do apologize if your eyes have already glazed over, but now you are here with me, and your third eye is about to gain sight. Here is my truth: Tufts University is not what it seems, and many of the students who populate its lawns and halls are not to be trusted. I can see your eye rolls, but you must trust
me. I have seen things that you have not, unimaginable things, and with a responsibility surpassing my own safety, I will make this institution’s secret history known.
I first arrived at Tufts University in fall 2020. My immediate impressions were pure. Classes
were decent, students were kind, and campus was beautiful. Even with COVID, my time on campus was overwhelmingly positive, and I was happy. In hindsight, though, there were incongruous moments. I remember the first time I encountered a sense of discomfort. I was walking on the academic quad when the remnants of two Carm coffees hit my bladder. I was still new to campus, and I had not yet cataloged viable restrooms. Urgency remained, though, and as such, I approached a student with hopes of receiving direction. They were all smiles upon my approach, and then I asked for directions to the nearest restroom. All at once, their smile disappeared. They stood staring
at me, motionless beyond slight inhale exhale of the chest. After a few moments, they spoke sternly, telling me that I must never use the restroom in the basement of Tisch Library. They then resumed smiling and promptly walked away. It was a strange interaction, though I did not think deeply about it at the time, as my attention immediately turned to the fact that their lack of answer to my question and their alarmingly stern demeanor had promptly caused me to piss myself. Over my years at this University, similar interactions continued to occur, though it was not until joining the Tufts Daily that I started to grow conscious of the horrors lying beneath my feet.