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C ol l i n s

see Magnifying TU, pg. 8

graphic by Madeline Woods

The Collegian: 2


16 April 2018

New ideas displayed at Tulsa Ballet’s Studio K

“Tulsa Ballet II Emerging Choreographers Showcase” provides a space for new choreographers. Lizzy Young Student Writer At its heart, dance tells a story. This is what the “Tulsa Ballet II Emerging Choreographers Showcase” was about. The showcase featured three up-and-coming choreographers whose drastically different pieces each told a story. The showcase was performed in Tulsa Ballet’s Studio K, and the smaller atmosphere created a more intimate connection between the audience and dancers. The first piece, “Generation Y,” was choreographed by Daniel van De Laar with contributions by the dancers. It was all about the generation that grew up in the digital age surrounded by technology. In a society inundated with technology and social media, people’s lives are always on display, as each person struggles to find their individuality. “Generation Y” was not a ballet, but a contemporary dance. The dancers wore black pants or shorts and nude shirts. The music was techno-pop with harsh, discordant sounds to match the feeling of isolation amid technology. In a particularly gripping part of the piece, a male dancer danced a solo while all the other dancers slowly advanced toward him, enclosing him in a circle. It was like he was an actor on a stage supposed to perform while others looked on. It left the viewer with a powerful, moving image reinforcing the message of the unintended consequences of technology. The performance practiced an effective use of lighting as well. The lights were dim, the backdrop was a black curtain. The audience focused solely on the dancers. The lighting spotlighted dancers, went black and featured different dancers. This complex variety really helped tie the piece together. The second number was “Sur Le Fil,” which translates to “By A Hair’s Breadth” in French, was choreographed by Penny Saunders. Saunders claimed the choreography of this piece did not have a specific storyline, but rather was about life and the beauty and mystery of it. It was whimsical and fun. It had a French tone, very cultured. The first song even had French lyrics. The black fedoras the dancers wore were

central props to the piece, seeming to function as embodiments to the elusiveness of life. To complete their costumes the dancers wore blue leotards with darkened blue suspenders and, halfway through, the female dancers shed their suspenders. The last piece, “As Told by Kristin,” was choreographed by Joshua A. Stayton. This number was set at a coffee shop and explored the hopes and dreams of the baristas and customers. It was an adorable perfor-

mance about the magic of people in a coffee shop. It followed three couples and their unspoken emotions through songs sung by Kristin Chenoweth. “As Told by Kristin” was delightful and a really fun piece to end the night. It was full of young love, hope and dreams. It had the most traditional dancing of the three pieces, with the girls in pointe shoes and flower dresses. Each couple had a different color theme, which was a fun touch.

The set drew the viewers in because it was a few tables, a counter, and of course coffee cups, which was a fun setting for the couples’ stories to play out on. The number ended the night on a happy note. This Showcase featured only Tulsa Ballet company II, but there is still one more chance to see them and Tulsa Ballet I in the 2017–2018 season. Their “Signature Series” comes to the Tulsa PAC May 3 – 6.

Embrace an Exciting Career! The University of Tulsa

Certificate in Paralegal Studies

prepares students for a career as a paralegal in as little as eight months. TU’s program is approved by the American Bar Association. Questions? Contact Pam Mitchell, manager of legal programs, at 918-631-2524 or the university of Continuing Education Division of Lifelong Learning Paralegals may not provide legal service directly to the public, except as permitted by law. TU is an EEO/AA institution. TU18083

A hidden TU gem: the greenhouse is in bloom Hannah Kloppenburg Web Manager Emeritus Though the weather outside may not be up to scratch just yet, it’s certainly springtime in TU’s greenhouse. The greenhouse, perched atop Oliphant Hall, is home to a multitude of plants used by primarily by undergraduate students and Beta Beta Beta biology honor society for educational purposes. Graduate students and professors also occasionally house their research in the greenhouse.

Dr. Karen McMahon of the biology department manages the greenhouse along with a cohort of work study students. The greenhouse is composed of two sections: one housing tropical plants, and one housing succulents and cacti. It fosters plant life including coffee trees, Flaming Katys, peanut cacti, ginger plants and ferns of all sorts. Many of the plants grown in the greenhouse are sold each semester at the Tri Beta plant sale in Oliphant Hall.

photos by Hannah Kloppenburg The variety of plants growing in TU’s greenhouse make the top of Oliphant Hall look like a jungle.


16 April 2018

The Collegian: 3

Lil Xan worst part of “Total Xanarchy” Lil Xan’s repetitive lyrics and lack of technique tank an otherwise quality album. Adam Lux Satire Editor Emeritus First off I want to make it extremely, undeniably clear that this review reflects only my own personal opinions about Lil Xan’s new studio album “Total Xanarchy,” with exclusion to any other person’s or institution’s opinions and my own opinions of any other person or institution. Now that we got that out of the way, wow is this album mediocre. “Total Xanarchy” is Lil Xan’s first studio album. Xan, whose real name is Diego Leanos, started his career, like many these days, as a SoundCloud rapper. Lil Xan’s style on “Total Xanarchy” appears to be strongly influenced by these internet origins. He focuses heavily on repetition in his songs, relying more on the style of his intonation for variety. This style being a kind of mushiness in his pronunciations consistent with mumble rap I think the best way to describe Xan’s rapping ability is that he’s comparable to that one friend everyone has that seems to think they become amazing at rapping whenever they’re intoxicated and proceed to freestyle some of the worst lyrics with the dullest

part of the album. Most of the beats on the record are actually pretty good, including one by Diplo. Young Xanathan was able to grab a couple nice features from the likes of 2 Chains and Charli XCX, among others. Consistently, though, Xan’s lyrics and technique fail to match the quality of his collaborators, much less shine through in his own album. “Betrayal,” his most commercially successful single off the album, presents a pretty normal, if a tad slow, trap beat with a kind of melancholy twist to it. This is supposed to compliment Xan’s lyrical performance, which I guess it does. Xan’s first verse on this track shows his ability to have some sense of a more traditional hip-hop flow, even if his lyrics are horribly simplistic. However even this bit of mediocrity falls away once the chorus hits and he’s just relying on atonal repetition again. He hits his lowest point near the beginning of the record. The first three songs “Who Am I,” “Wake Up” and “Tick Tock,” are a mess of repetition. This isn’t one of those “annoying yet infectious” situations like I have with Lil Pump’s “Gucci Gang.” No this is just annoying. We get a little bit better near the middle and end of the record. Tracks Like “Moonlight,” “Betrayed” and “Color Blind” show a less repetitive, slightly more talented Xan. This album does have some high spots,

“‘Color Blind’ and ‘Moonlight’ are the only two tracks ... even worth a listen honestly.” sense of flow. Just image that person getting their own hip-hop album. I think the saddest thing about “Total Xanarchy” is that Xan himself is the worst

however. As I partially explained before, the beats, and to some extent the productions as a whole, on this record are pretty good. This is due, in large part, to Bobby Johnson, al-

courtesy Columbia Records Lil Xan will be performing at Springfest this year, likely playing tracks from “Total Xanarchy.”

though I wish he hadn’t put the words “you are now listening to a Bobby Johnson beat” in literally all of the songs he worked on. 2 Chains, Charli XCX and YG all have pretty good features on the songs “Tick Tock,” “Moonlight” and “Round Here” respectively. 2 Chains is the only reason Tick Tock is at all bearable. If I had to pick a best song I’d say it’s “Color Blind,” the song for which Diplo made the beat. This track has Lil Xan at his least irritating and Diplo produces a pretty

good slow, yet still poppy, EDM beat. “Color Blind” and “Moonlight” are the only two tracks I would say are even worth a listen honestly. Now I know hip-hop has always been a genre that welcomes (some may say requires) collaboration and interartistry. This is one of the reasons I’m so drawn to the genre. However, an album’s primary artist should be the star of the album. “Total Xanarchy” fails stupendously in this regard. 4/10.

“A Quiet Place” an innovative Small Buffalo reading a addition to the horror genre uniquely Tulsan experience Local Tulsans Laura and Nate Knapp have opened their home up to provide a platform for poets. Thomas von Borstel Student Writer

The tense silences in “A Quiet Place” make for an engaging film.

When going to see “A Quiet Place,” skip the popcorn. Emma Palmer Variety Editor In Bryan Woods and Scott Beck’s original script for “A Quiet Place,” there was only one line of dialogue. Before viewing “A Quiet Place,” I was apprehensive that this fact would be all too apparent as a gimmick and get old after the first 20 minutes. That was not the case. In fact, from the first minute on, “A Quiet Place” grips its audience and does not let go. The premise of “A Quiet Place” is simple. The earth has been infested with creatures that rely entirely on sound to hunt. Most of the world’s population has been wiped out, but it is possible to live: just don’t make any noise. The story follows all the ins and outs of one family’s survival in this world. The set-up of the film is like one of those “minute to learn — lifetime to master” games, and in the wrong hands, it could easily have turned into a run-of-the-mill horror movie. As it stands, “A Quiet Place” is one of the most engaging films of the year. The tension of “A Quiet Place” is palpable and has the potential to be a terrifying experience if one allows themselves to enter the world of the characters. The film lives in a heightened state of anxiety; the terror faced by the characters invites the audience to participate actively in the silence. This is the genius of “A Quiet Place” on the surface-level-analysis of shock quality. Horror films depend on the empathy of their viewers to be successful. If the viewer cannot empathize with the characters and the situations they find themselves in, then there are no stakes. In “A Quiet Place” the audience is coerced into making no noise by the lack

courtesy IMDb

of sound. This in turn places the audience in the same situation as the protagonists, albeit with less extreme repercussions. The weight of the film is evenly distributed on the shoulders of the four lead actors. John Krasinski (who also directs) and Emily Blunt sell their performances well as the family’s respective father and mother, but equally impressive are the performances given by Noah Jupe and Millicent Simmonds as the younger brother and his deaf sister, respectively. Simmonds in particular is wonderful, having previously starring in “Wonderstruck” (where she is also excellent). The significance of having an actual deaf person to play a deaf character is exciting to see, especially since Simmonds is such a joy to watch. The pacing of “A Quiet Place” is sparkling. Never once did I feel bored or wonder when the film would end. The crowded theater sat in a rapt silence, broken only by the occasional popcorn munch. Each story beat hit the mark and was and emotionally resonant. And although the soundtrack leaned into a little too much for shock value, it works to great effect. “A Quiet Place,” like most good cinema, exists on multiple planes. It’s not just a horror film, it’s a meditation on grief, family and what it is like to live in constant fear. “A Quiet Place” resonated with me personally on a level I didn’t expect. As a person with an anxious temperament, I live with a permanent alarm blaring in the back of my head. “A Quiet Place” lived on that same plane, and so within it, I found an externalization of myself. It’s one of the reason I like horror films so much. I can’t wait to watch it again.

There’s always anxiety when entering a strange individual’s home. Walking up to the grey house, red door, six-pack in hand, there was no certainty that this would be a comfortable experience. Stepping in, though, and greeted by the loveliest people, the night quickly seemed to lighten. A welcoming home, just west of Yale, hosts the newly conceived poetry reading series known as Small Buffalo, with a small, plush toy being the official mascot of the occasion. The progenitors, Laura and Nate Knapp, graciously invited anyone and everyone into their humble abode to partake in an evening of literary entertainment and discourse. Originally, they hosted a reading series in Stillwater and wished to further this event and community while living in Tulsa. It was surely an intimate environment made comfortable by the luster of those attending the reading. While the attendees trickled in, the party, as mentioned on their flyer would precede and follow, began on the back porch as all clustered in mutual dialogue. Everyone was asked to bring items to share as an “entry fee” so there were drinks and dainties in copious amounts. And it seemed that the social exchanges were so intoxicating that the poetry simply slipped our minds. In the unassuming group of people gathered in discourse, all were essentially published authors, anthologized, editors of national and community literary publications. Amongst this crowd were a few of the Tulsa Artist Fellows, expressing increasing gratitude for their place in our city. Through the humility and amiability of all of the collected individuals, the genius became only more apparent. As the congregation made its way around the living room window, the conversation continuously flowed finally coalescing in directed attention at Clare Paniccia, a poet attending Oklahoma State as a graduate student, her works ached of bygone sores reading boldly: “this is an ethnography of tearing down.” She prefaced her works saying, “we’re starting on a light note,” drawing a great chuckle from all of the guests. Every syllable performed a character of tedious desperation. Yet her finale was a bril-

liant piece entitled by a riddle and using this element masterfully as a cloak for greater feeling, weaving humor throughout darker sentiments. Following Panicciawas the Tulsa Artist Fellow Mark De Silva, a delightful person who expressed great joy at the opportunity to simply write and produce during his fellowship. A PhD in philosophy, his fiction reading painted a psychological portrait of two young women found in life’s mire. The detailed minutiae provided ocean-trench depth and a vessel for philosophical inquiry that expressed a longing for answers. Yet, it all centered around a brief trip to the deli for groceries and high-end cigarettes, which dashingly displayed the skill of his craft. A brief interlude followed Mark De Silva, with Nate Knapp, as emcee, expressing that if the reading became too tedious it would be similar to the church experiences of distant childhoods. Post-break, Lewis Freedman began reading his poem, “I Want Something Other Than Time.” Freedman lives in Stillwater, publishing several collections of poems which equate simply to modern day linguistic wizardry. His genuine intellect is a delight to not only converse with, but participating with his auditory text allows the listener an experience that could not be facilitated otherwise. He wove metalingual abstractions with the concrete moments of life’s tedium to present a portrait of human consciousness that is both beautiful and wrenching. A very brief intermission of group singing to break up any impending doldrums followed, leaving all of the participants smiling. The finale was Liz Blood, the editor of the Tulsa Voice. Her poetry portrayed a witty discourse of her childhood experiences, abstracting much of the simplicity of those things taken for granted, such as birth. A crowd favorite was the poem entitled “Michael Jordan,” after her pet turtle of the same name. One day, the turtle simply disappeared, leaving Blood to speculate that the turtle was as magical as MJ himself. An endearing evening, in a cozy, hospitable home, with elite artists presenting the work’s of their minds and souls; it was an experience worth repeating many times over. Keep your eyes out for flyers and word of the next reading of the series to come in the next couple of months.

“A welcoming home, just west of Yale, hosts the newly concieved poetry reading”

The Collegian: 4


16 April 2018

Worlds revealed at McFarlin Library in “From Beyond the Unknown” McFarlin’s Special Collections dazzles with its latest exhibit on science fiction, which offers a glimpse into the genre’s fun and sometimes silly past. Raven Fawcett Managing Editor Robots. Laser guns. The myth that solely-female planets would welcome visiting men. “From Beyond the Unknown” features snapshots of the best and worst from science fiction of the decades past “From Beyond the Unknown,” a collection of science fiction work courtesy of TU alum Jack C. Rae, is the newest showpiece in Special Collections at McFarlin Library. While getting in the room is a bit of a challenge — you have to be buzzed in the door after taking the elevator up to the fifth floor, then sign in and leave your bag in the locker room (no pens allowed with books old enough to get a senior citizen discount) — it’s well worth the trouble. Rae was a World War II veteran, and his war diary lies in the first display case you see walking in. Next to it lies a collection of the Edgar Rice Burroughs “John Carter of Mars” series, one of the series that got Rae interested in sci-fi in his youth. In his words, displayed in the first bank of the collection upon entering the room: “Back in the 1940s and 1950s, my father used to challenge me on my reading of Science Fiction. His standard query went something like, ‘How can you read about these people going to the Moon or Mars? You know that will never happen.’ I took a degree of pleasure in 1969, in asking him what he thought about [that now] ...” Nestled into black cloth under glass cases, his collection traverses the journey from the

1920s to the 1960s. Cards are placed in each case, describing snippets of extra information (“Space operas,” for instance, are one of the “most enduring” genres, along with “extra sensory powers, alien contact, time police, and robots”). Each card has its own graphic. The informational texts have swirling galaxies, and the ones that outline new technologies are illustrated with a whimsical little rocket. Every decade marks new arrivals to the popular imagination — the ‘20s introduced the first robot, traffic signals and the electric shaver; the 40s included cake mix, bar codes and the theory of holography. By the ‘50s, new to the world were power steering, solar cells, McDonald’s and fiber optics. The next decade saw the computer mouse, video discs and the artificial heart, as well as the first time humans walked on the moon. The cases have cute cutouts as well, like the bright yellow and green cutout that might have been an astronaut or a particularly confused math teacher. Another case protects viewers from the slinking eldritch horror with tentacles for legs that walked over sand, had one glowing eye and looked like it would play fetch with you if you threw it a human skull. Is at an abomination or a misunderstood alien-dog? You decide! The room is lined in books older than my grandmother and with twice as much to say. The cases outshine even these displays with their books with covers in bright yellows and reds, women in dynamic poses and men staring with wonder into space. It’s a peek into the imaginations of generations past that isn’t in history books or those dour pictures of the Great Depression. You can feel as much of the attention and care the curator took in creating the displays as you can feel the weight of dust and history in the room.

“Every decade marks new arrivals to the popular imagination”

Mabee Week drag show a definite hit

Tyler McCoy and Alena Cook perform in “Fool for Love”.

photo by Brennen Gray

TU Theater Department brings Sam Shepard to life A double feature of one-act plays by prolific playwright Sam Shepard was something new and enjoyable. Brennen Gray Sports Editor A tragic love story and a post-apocalyptic Christmas have one thing in common: the late playwright Sam Shepard. The University of Tulsa Theatre Department brought “Fool for Love” and “Action” to Kendall’s Chapman Theatre this past weekend. This double feature proved to be a strong showcase of TU’s quality productions. Samantha Potrykus directed “Fool for Love” as the opening feature. This Shepard oneact focuses on two estranged lovers who meet up at a motel. May (Alena Cook), runs away from Eddie (Tyler McCoy), until he finds her yet again. The Old Man (Michael Flake), drinks whiskey from his rocking chair off the set and away from the action. Martin (Mitchell Shorey), shows up to pick May up for a date. May and Eddie fill Martin in on the backstory between them, revealing a sad story of repeating cycles. The number of reveals, reversals and surprises kept this one worth watching. The tragic love story may not be for everyone, but as the characters reveal parts of their history to the audience, most theatre fans would be drawn in. Cook brought May to life with a standout performance. McCoy did a solid job as Eddie. Flake and Shorey put meaning into their smaller roles. I found the fight scenes the most impressive of the ordeal. The coordination needed for the intricate scuffles made for a delightful way to shake up the melodrama.

The second production, “Action,” marks the difference between good and enjoyable. As a piece of literature, the piece was excellent. Jacob Patterson directed the production with expertise, and the work shined as a whole. However, it has a very specific niche in the way of being enjoyable. It has no true plot, little character development and confusing dialogue. The play takes place in a post-apocalyptic world around holiday season, although the hints toward the armageddon portion are rather subtle. As the four characters attempt to cope with the reality of being cooped up for long periods of time, they act stranger with each passing minute. The depth with which Shepard portrayed the human psyche tortured by boredom intrigued me. However, the play did not play out in classic narrative structure with characters who want something and overcome obstacles to get it. It felt much like watching a science experiment but with good acting. In that way, I loved it. The actors performed their roles well. Flake returned in the second production as Shooter, Aedan James played Jeep, Emily Peterson played Lupe and Hanna Benson played Liza. I found Emily Peterson to fit her role particularly well by her mannerisms and voice inflections. She sounded like a suburban mom around holiday time, which I assume was her character. Overall, the tribute to Sam Shepard was a positive experience. I enjoyed the first play, and the second one got me thinking. For me, the productions leaned more on the artistic side than the entertainment side. Hats off again to TU theatre. I hope to see more next year.

photos by Conner Maggio


16 April 2018

The Collegian: 5

Justin Guglielmetti is…

Write for Sports! You may have noticed we’ve started using articles from the athletic department’s website because we don’t have enough student writers to cover all our sports. Help make The Collegian an all-student paper again, get press access and get that good-good cash money!

Tulsa takes down no. 19 UCF The women’s tennis team welcomed UCF to Tulsa, then snapped the Knights’ 11-match winning streak. For the second straight match, Tamara Kupkova clinched the match for the Golden Hurricane. No. 29 Tulsa (18-5) ended the No. 19 UCF Knights’ (17-3) 11-match win streak Friday at the Michael D. Case Tennis Center, 4-2, on senior night. Kupkova and Rouxanne Janse van Rensburg beat Natalia Serrano and Monica Matias, 6-4, in the No. 3 doubles position. The No. 51 ranked Maria Martinez and Ksenia Kuznetsova defeated Ksenia Laskutova and Martha Matoula, 6-3, in the No. 1 doubles match. In the No. 2 doubles match, Rebeka Stolmar and Silvia Bordes knocked off Vera Ploner and Shura Poppe, 7-6 (7-4). The Knights claimed the doubles point. In the No. 1 singles match, the No. 72 ranked Laskutova took the opening set against Kuznetsova, 6-2. Laskutova matched the first set results, with a 6-2 vic-

tory in the second, to win her match. Laskutova improved to 21-7 and won her final regular season dual singles match. Most importantly, she tied the overall match at 1-1. Poppe ran away with the first set against Serrano, 6-4, in the No. 6 singles spot. Poppe breezed through the second set, 6-2, after breaking Serrano twice. Poppe put the Hurricane on top, 2-1, while she improved to 6-1 in dual match play. UCF’s Maria Martinez tied the match at 2-2, when she defeated the No. 117 ranked Martina Okalova, 6-1 and 7-5. Ploner broke Bordes’ serve in the 12th game of the first set, to claim a 7-5 first-set victory in the No. 5 singles match. Ploner managed to break Bordes’ service in the eighth game of the second set, before she held serve to take the second set, 6-3. Ploner is now 11-4 in dual matches and put Tulsa back up, 3-2.

Chad Smith Media Relations Assistant In the No. 4 matchup, Kupkova and Matias needed a tiebreaker to decide a winner of the first set. Kupkova stormed away with a 7-2 victory in the tiebreaker and won the first set, 7-6 (7-2). Much like the first set, the two would need yet another tiebreaker to determine a winner. Kupkova jumped out to an early 3-1 lead, before she held on to win the tiebreaker, 7-3, and the set, 7-6. For the second straight time, Kupkova clinched a match for the Golden Hurricane. Kopkova is 11-6 on the season in dual singles competition. With the victory, the Golden Hurricane improved to 18-5 on the year. Tulsa returns to action in the American Athletic Conference Tournament, which starts on Wednesday, April 18, in Dallas, Texas. The matchups and seedings will be announced at a later time.

Hurricane Scoreboard

Men’s Tennis Apr. 11 Texas Tech 5 - Tulsa 2 Apr. 13: Tulsa 5 - SMU 2

Women’s Tennis Apr. 8: Tulsa 4 - North Texas 0 Apr. 13: Tulsa 4 - UCF 2

Softball Apr. 8: Whichita St. 14 - Tulsa 5 Apr. 8: Tulsa 3 - Whichita St. 2 Apr. 13: USF 3 - Tulsa 1 Apr. 14: USF 6 - Tulsa 8

Women’s Rowing April 13: Tulsa Results Varsity 8+: 5th place 6:29.83 2nd Varsity 8+: 7nth place 6:41.39 Varsity 4+: 7nth place 7:36.20 2nd Varsity 4+: 5th place 7:46.77

Harden > LeBron, don’t @me Though I was but a wee bab at the time, I’ve read quite a bit about the travesty that was Karl Malone’s winning the MVP award over Michael Jordan in 1997. Apparently, the Mailman got most of his narrative momentum from a “Sports Illustrated” piece, the argument of which went something like this: “I know everyone wants to make the obvious pick, but obvious is boring!” Why do I bring this up? Over the past week, an article from a Cleveland sports writer advocating for LeBron James’s MVP candidacy has been making the Internet rounds, and I just want to ensure everyone at TU recognizes that denying James Harden for a second time would be a major historical blemish. LeBron has enjoyed a resplendent season, averaging a hyper-efficient 28-9-9 while starting all 82 games. He remains the league’s best player and the presumed number one pick in the “choose-a-guy-to-win-a-game-with-your-lifeon-the-line” draft. But as we have to reestablish seemingly every year, the MVP recognizes performance within a single regular season, and nobody has been better in that regard than the Beard. Just about every advanced metric short of VORP has Harden as the runaway winner, as he averaged a comparably efficient 30-5-9 while captaining one of the deadliest offenses in league history. A big part of the Rockets’ switch-happy defense as well, he did a great deal to overcome his memey reputation as a sieve by improving effort and using his quick hands and thiccque frame to utterly stymie post mismatches. (James, meanwhile, continues to be hailed as an everyday impactful defensive player while once again spending an entire regular season resting by hiding on poor offensive players and walking up the floor behind the play.) And most important, Houston sits at a dominant 65-17 in a tougher conference, while LeBron struggled to drag a decently talented supporting cast to the fourth seed in the East. Let’s not make this Mail Fraud 2.0. My vote — if the NBA would only recognize “The Collegian” as a legit paper! — is going to Harden. Maybe Don’t Be a Dick Pretty good general life advice if you ask me, but in this case, I’m referring to douchebags who feel the need to attack other sports (and their fans) that they don’t personally like. You know these guys, the obnoxious American who only likes “real football,” the Lax Bro who insists baseball is dead, the high school hockey benchwarmer who calls 6’9” 250 lb. NBA players pussies. Here’s a novel concept for you guys: people have different interests. They should be free to live their best lives and pursue those interests without being berated over one of the most ultimately trivial things in the world! Not everything has to be about you, you self-entitled pricks!

Women’s Golf Apr. 9: Team: 7th Place Individuals T.1 Oliva Jackson +1 T15. Johanna Samuelsson +8 T39. Nicole Marquardt +15 T64. Anneke Strobach +22 Apr. 10: Team: 7th place Individuals: 8: Olivia Jackson, +7 T9: Johanna Samuelsson, +8 T46: Nicole Marquardt, +26 T57: Anneke Strobach, +30

But Everything Does Have to Be About Me Because this is my column. And it’s the last one I’ll be writing as Sports Editor. I’ll be perfectly honest, I’m not at all happy with the job I’ve done. Coverage of TU sports, especially those besides football and basketball, has been quite a bit less comprehensive than I would have liked if we had a larger staff. Nonetheless, I’ve enjoyed the gig and hope that what work we have put out, from the analytical and prophetic all the way down to the irreverent, has been to the satisfaction of the students and our loyal

alumni readers. So this is goodbye for now, Little Creatures. Enjoy the break, stay cool beneath the bleachers and I’ll see you next fall.

Apr. 16 - Apr. 22 Monday

Tuesday 16

Wednesday 17


Softball vs. Oklahoma 6 p.m.

Women’s Tennis AAC Tourney All Day


Men’s Tennis vs. TBA

Track and Field @ Bryan Clay Invitational



Track and Field @ Mt. SAC Relays All Day

Women’s Golf vs. AAC All Day Women’s Golf vs. AAC All Day



20 Softball @ Houston 6 p.m. Track and Field @ John Jacobs Invitational

Men’s Tennis vs. TBA

Softball @ Houston 2 p.m.

Sunday 22 Softball @ Houston noon

Men’s Tennis vs. TBA

Rowing vs. Lawless Cup All Day Women’s Soccer @ Kansas 4 p.m.

Men’s Tennis vs. TBA

Women’s Soccer @ UMKC 11 a.m.

The Collegian: 6


16 April 2018

100 percent, totally accurate summer predictions Student writers Zane Cawthon and Thomas von Borstel and Editor-in-Chief Justin Guglielmetti dispense with the crystal balls to give their scientifically validated predictions. Mayfield Drafted by Browns, Spontaneously Combusts After a tremendous Heisman-award-winning career at the University of Oklahoma, Baker Mayfield will be taken with the first overall pick of the NFL Draft by arguably the sports world’s most prestigious franchise, the Cleveland Browns. Unfortunately, he will burst into flames the moment his name leaves Commissioner Roger Goodell’s lips. In the coming years, other pyrophobic prospects, as well as those who merely value their lives, will purposefully tank the combine to avoid catching Cleveland’s eye. LeBron Remains a Cav The Warriors are vulnerable for the first time of the apex-Steph Curry era. The Rockets remain unproven in the playoffs. LeBron James will once again march through the weaker Eastern Conference to his eighth consecutive NBA Finals appearance and, once there, will probably face the best odds he’s had since his return to Cleveland. Regardless of what happens, I just don’t see the guy abandoning his hometown for a second time and giving up a seat that’s way cushier than it’s being given credit for, especially when there’s nowhere he could go that would markedly improve his Finals odds. If he doesn’t stay put, one theory that I will concede has some legs to it is both LeBron and Paul George opting to sign with the Los Angeles Lakers. LA still has a lot of young talent on the books even after trading much of it away over the past year, and adding those two names would instantly make them one of the league’s elite teams. Plus everyone knows LeBron and Isaiah Thomas are best friends. McGregor Squashed Like Grape Poor unrepentant asshole Conor Mc-

Gregor’s career has fallen off the rails. Though he will unjustly escape a prison sentence after he and his posse attacked a bus, Lil’ Mac will attempt to validate his increasingly insecure manhood by taking

sport in Tennessee, P.K. Subban will finally have his name forever etched in glory and I’ll have a huge laugh watching Pittsburgh fans cry now that their precious three-peat has been ruined. It’s going to be great.

“... real fights between 150-pound Irishmen and 415-pound Vikings don’t often end well.” on an even larger opponent: Hafthor Julius Bjornsson, a.k.a. “The Mountain.” The two previously engaged in a lighthearted sparring match a few years back, but McGregor will forget that real fights between 150-pound Irishmen and 415-pound Vikings don’t often end well. HBO and Showtime are already duking it out over who gets to carry the fight, but rather than shelling out the big bucks, just check out the end of the Game of the Thrones episode “The Mountain and the Viper” for an accurate preview of the results. Nashville Predators Win Stanley Cup

Dodgers Miss Postseason, Stampede Injures Hundreds A massive crowd will slow traffic to a halt as thousands of Los Angeles baseball fans follow the famous LA Bandwagon Trail from Dodger Stadium to Angel Stadium (of Anaheim) thirty miles away. The fans will be alerted to the city’s shift in allegiance after receiving news that the Dodgers suck again and the Angels have this new guy who pitches and hits home runs at the same time. The resulting trek to support their new favorite team will see hundreds of LA residents passed out on the shoulder of Interstate 5

“... the German giant is on HGH to maintain his performance as a walking god.” … and Zane is still the only person south of Canada who cares. The Preds will avenge their heartbreaking loss in the Finals last year and defeat the Pittsburgh Penguins in seven games to win their first championship in franchise history. Music City will have a parade to celebrate the first champion of any

from the realization that supporting the Angels includes associating with people from Orange County. This sight, while alarming, will not be unfamiliar to Angelenos, seeing as it won’t make traffic any worse than it usually is. This traditional pilgrimage is expected to occur again in 2022, when the

Immortal Dirk watches McGregor fight The Mountain while Brady cries. LeBron stays. Mayfield burns.

Tulsa’s Varsity 8+ finishes 3rd in ‘B’ final at Clemson Invitational TU’s rowing teams put in work this Friday, with mixed results.

Tulsa’s Varsity 8+ earned a third-place finish in the ‘B’ Final, while the 2nd Varsity 8+ turned in a third-place mark in the ‘C’ final at the Clemson Invitational at Lake Harwell in Clemson, S.C. “I am pretty pleased with our results,” Head Coach Kevin Harris said. “This is a good field of teams, including seven or eight teams that raced in the NCAA Championship last year, and a field we want to be in. The team handled the pressure well, as well as changes to the schedule, and we learned a lot. We really solidified parts of our race plan and we did well as a group.” Sam Barber, Helen Leigh, Ellie Russell, Lucy Coleman, Veronique Ulrich, Lauren Vander Hoeven, Paige Hallam, Sophia Camara and Hannah Vissers earned a thirdplace time of 6:21.85 in the Varsity 8+ B Final, trailing second-place Syracuse by two-tenths of a second. Oregon State won the race in time of 6:19.40, while TU finished ahead of Louisville, UCLA, Minne-

Stephanie Hall Director of Media Relations

sota and Navy. In Heat 2, Tulsa was fifth with a time of 6:47.96. After turning in a fifth-place time of 6:51.38 in Heat 2 of the 2nd Varsity 8+, Eva Trabucco, Alessia Ruggiu, Madeline Oleksiak, Elisa Vandersloot, Elizabeth McCabe, Kristy Covre, Taylah Eder, Sydney Pirkle and Madeline Lyons shaved nearly 15 seconds off their time for a third-place ‘C” Final time of 6:36.76. Tulsa topped UCF, Navy, Tennessee and Boston in the race. In the Varsity 4+, Tulsa posted a time of 7:39.60 to finish in sixth place in the ‘C’ Final, nearly 40 seconds ahead of Boston. The Hurricane tallied a sixth-place time of 7:44.27 in Heat 2. TU’s 2nd Varsity 4+ recorded a time of 7:50.28 in the ‘B’ Final for a fifth-place mark, topping Navy and the Clemson ‘B’ boat. The Golden Hurricane also earned a time of 7:57.07 in Heat 2 during the morning races.

Angels collapse after four years of not making it past the ALCS. Dirk Nowitzki Actually Immortal After Dirk’s March announcement that he will return for a record-tying 21st season in the NBA, suspicions will rise that the German giant is on HGH to maintain his performance as a walking god. To quell these rumors, Nowitzki will instead announce to the world that he actually is a walking god, unkillable and untouchable. In the press release, he will explain that the circumstances surrounding his immortality are complicated, but that “it’s kinda like Tuck Everlasting, and the lesson to learn is that you all are better off living your puny human lives.” In World-Stunning Fashion, University of North Carolina-Charlotte wins NCAA FBS National Championship This is fairly self-explanatory if you keep up with the 49ers. The program emerged from the football fetus in 2008 ripe and ready to play some D1 ball. In recent years, they’ve put up incredible 1-11 seasons, winning out against storied programs such as the University of Alabama at Birmingham. They’ve added a handful of recruits much like other programs, but it’s pretty certain that the caliber of their recruits combined with the elite coaching staff will host a winning formula. Tom Brady Possibly the Worst Quarterback of All Time After watching the Patriot’s success from my bitter Atlantan high-backed chair, I have now turned to my crystal ball and have foreseen Brady crapping the bed worse than Ryan Leaf and becoming the league’s new joke: possibly meme-ier than Brian Scalabrine. And Giselle will leave him too.

graphic by Conner Maggio

16 April 2018


The Collegian: 7

Crystal (basket)ball, NBA playoffs edition Editor-in-Chief Justin Guglielmetti gives his take on what will transpire in this year’s NBA playoffs. Eastern Conference How disappointing. This was supposed to be the first season since LeBron James first took his talents to South Beach eight years ago where a legitimate threat to one of his teams existed in his own conference. There have a been a few pretend contenders over that span to be sure, memorable teams like the 2014-15 “Spurs-East” Hawks, the Paul George-Lance Stephenson-Roy Hibbert Pacers, the last gasp of the Big Three Celtics. But not since the Chicago Bulls of Derrick Rose’s 2011 MVP campaign has there been an Eastern Conference team that a substantial amount of people believed could top King James’s squad in the playoffs. The additions of All-Stars Gordon Hayward and Kyrie Irving to a Celtics team that finished with the top seed in 2016-17 was supposed to change that, but alas, the injury bug hit Beantown hard. With Hayward still out after his devastating ankle injury in the season opener and Irving on the mend from a recent knee surgery, the path once again looks clear for the Cavs to advance to the Finals. That sound you hear is the gnashing of teeth of millions of mildly irritated Canadians, who just can’t understand why nobody gives the top-seeded Toronto Raptors a fair shake. It’s a perfectly reasonable annoyance,

Yes, that includes the dominant Warriors and Rockets. Though these two teams should be considered the prohibitive favorites to advance to the conference finals, neither has a clear-cut path. For Houston, that early challenge will come in the form of the surging Oklahoma City Thunder, led by the Big Three of Russell Westbrook, Paul George and Steven Adams (sorry, ‘Melo). The Thunder have underachieved as a whole, and in the tight confines of the West’s standings, were in danger of missing the playoffs entirely as recently as two weeks ago. But they are peaking at the right time and have the type of superstar talent that wins out disproportionately in the postseason. Westbrook is always a threat to go full supernova and tally a 35-17-17, and towards the end of the season, he got off his ass on defense for the first time in years. He and Adams have reached Stockton and Malone levels of synergy on the pick-and-roll, which warps defenses away from the three point line and opens up room for bombers like George. That said, we can’t get ahead of ourselves and assume that the Thunder will even make it past the Utah Jazz in the opening round. Donovan Mitchell has exceeded all expectations and firmly established himself

“That sound you hear is the gnashing of teeth of millions of mildly irritated Canadians.” especially given the overall lack of attention paid to the Raps by the American media and the tremendous season had by the team. I don’t want to take anything away from their franchise-record 59 wins, or Dwane Casey’s long-overdue embracing of the three-point revolution, or the continued excellence of Kyle Lowry and DeMar DeRozan. Their vaunted bench mob is so deep (why did the nickname Marianas Bench never catch on?) that at one point they had 11 players averaging at least six PPG. So what’s the problem? As starters eke out a few more minutes per game in the postseason, depth becomes less important than top-heavy talent, and Toronto lacks the personnel to handle a deadly lineup type they will see against the Cavs: four shooters surrounding LeBron with Kevin Love at center. The poor matchups combined with the fact that LeBron has drunk the Raptors’ milkshake over the past several years means this thing will go five games max when they square off in Round 2. Across the rest of the conference, the Bucks’ clogged-toilet offense will sink their first-round chances against the depleted Celtics, although Giannis Antetokounmpo’s MVP-level play will surely be enough to counter the strategic genius of Brad Ste-

as a young superstar; I’m still waffling on whether I support him or Philly’s Ben Simmons for Rookie of the Year. With a roster that many thought was more likely to tank than compete, the Jazz are once again a defensive juggernaut, anchored by the perpetually underrated Rudy Gobert. They switch across all five positions and play physical, in-your-face D that disrupts even the smartest offense. Even without Stephen Curry, the Dubs should have no trouble getting past the Kawhi Leonard-less Spurs. Gregg Popovich can only eke so much out a roster featuring LaMarcus Aldridge and Rudy Gay as its best players. Beyond that, however, their success will depend on the Baby-Faced Assassin’s effectiveness upon his return from a knee injury. Golden State theoretically has enough raw talent to win it all even without their foundational superstar, but so much of their identity is predicated on Curry’s incomparable gravitational pull around the perimeter. Without him, the team reverts too much to an isolation-heavy style similar to how Kevin Durant played in OKC. That could hurt them against the dangerous Pelicans, who could feature the best player in that series in Anthony Davis.

“If Curry comes back fully healthy, he will lead Golden State back to the Finals” vens to steal a few games. The profoundly mediocre Pacers, Heat and Wizards hardly deserve mention in such a brief preview, which leaves the only dangerous Philadelphia 76ers. Riding a sixteen-game winning streak, a few optimistic pundits think that the culmination of the “The Process” — a trip to the NBA Finals — could be in store as soon as this year. Color me skeptical, although the lengthy and versatile Sixers present the nearest thing to a threat to the Cavs this year. I think they make the conference finals, then lose in six. Western Conference For the first time since the mid-1990s, the Western Conference had fewer 50-win teams than the East, but don’t let that fool you into thinking the conference was weaker as a whole. This bracket is going to be a bloodbath, and I’m not sure any team is safe past the second round.

In the end though, I don’t feel comfortable picking anything besides a WarriorsRockets series. When healthy, these two are just a tier above. If you will allow me to hedge my bets a bit, I’ll say that if Curry comes back fully healthy, he will lead Golden State back to the Finals for a fourth consecutive contest against the Cavs. If he remains hobbled, Chris Paul will make his life hell, James Harden will crossover and Eurostep fools into oblivion and the Rockets will set the playoff record for three-pointers per game to win in six (the latter two are likely to happen anyway). Too vague a prediction? Whichever one emerges takes down the Cavaliers in five.

The Collegian’s picks for NBA awards

MVP: James Harden Rookie of the Year: Ben Simmons Coach of the Year: Brad Stevens Most Improved Player: Victor Oladipo Sixth Man of the Year: Lou Williams First Team All-NBA: Damian Lillard, James Harden, LeBron James, Giannis Antetokounmpo, Anthony Davis

Bulls beat Hurricane Softball loses two games to USF despite stellar individual performances. Emily Watson recorded eight strikeouts, but USF hit two home runs to take game one of the three-game American Athletic Conference series with Tulsa, 3-1, on Friday evening at the Collins Family Softball Complex. Shelby Estocado and Sarah Briers each doubled for the Golden Hurricane (2516, 5-5), while Shannon Hughes, Mikayla Whitten, Haley Meinen and Rylie Spell each recorded hits for the home squad. Watson fell to 16-7 with the defeat after she allowed three runs on eight hits and a walk to go along with her eight strikeouts. Meanwhile, Mia Fung and Lindsey Devitt supplied the offense for the Bulls (30-15, 8-2) as each player homered to back Georgina Corrick’s effort in the circle. Corrick scattered six hits and allowed an unearned run to improve to 12-5 on the season. Estocado legged out a double on a hit down the left-field line in the bottom of

Jordan Korphage Assistant Director for Media Relations Haley Meinen and Rylie Spell each homered to help Tulsa to a 4-1 lead, but USF scored seven runs over the final three innings to rally for an 8-6 win over the Golden Hurricane on a chilly Saturday afternoon at Collins Family Softball Complex. Morgan Neal and Mikayla Whitten each had a pair of hits for the Golden Hurricane (25-17, 5-6), while Emily Watson recorded six strikeouts in the circle. Meinen also pitched the final inning of the contest after driving in two runs with her homer in the third. Meanwhile, Brooke Hartman went 2-for3 with a three-run homer to lead the Bulls (31-15, 9-2). Hannah Parker picked up the win in relief to improve to 6-4 on the season and Georgina Corrick tossed the final 1.2 innings for her first save. Tulsa got on the board first with a run in the second when Spell crushed her sixth homer of the season through a stiff wind and

“The Hurricane broke through in the bottom of the fifth when Briers laced a one-out double” the first for TU, her 11th two-bagger of the spring. However, Corrick retired the side and would retire eight of the next nine Tulsa hitters. USF got on board in the top of the third when Fung homered after Macy Cook’s double for the 2-0 lead. An inning later, Devitt’s solo shot to center field made it 3-0. The Hurricane broke through in the bottom of the fifth when Briers laced a one-out double to the wall in left field. Whitten then singled up the middle and Briers scored when the throw home went to the backstop. The USF miscue allowed Whitten to move to second, but Corrick was able to escape any further damage. TU had a pair of hits in the sixth, but could not cut into the 3-1 deficit and Corrick retired the side in order in the seventh to seal the 3-1 win for the Bulls.

over the wall in center field. An inning later, Neal’s two-out single to right plated Shelby Estocado before Meinen’s two-run homer to center extended the lead to 4-1. However, the Bulls tied the score in the fifth on Hartman’s three-run shot and the visitors tacked on two runs in the sixth for a 6-4 advantage. Tulsa cut the deficit to 6-5 in the bottom of the sixth when Shannon Hughes brought home Tori Stafford with a hit to right field. But USF again put up two runs in the top of the seventh to push the lead to 8-5. Whitten led off the bottom of the seventh with a triple off the wall in left and she would score on Julia Hollingsworth’s grounder to make it 8-6. But the home squad could get no closer as Corrick retired the side to close out the series win.

The Collegian: 8 Continued from Cover Four thousand students. 300 teaching professionals. 50 executives and trustees. And over a billion in assets. With such a complex organizational system, how does anything get done? And who makes the decisions? The University of Tulsa’s moving parts and influential figures make it complex. The mix of multilayered, rigid hierarchies, to which students get no comprehensive introduction, and fluid social networks, to which the majority of TU’s population are only loosely connected, deter students and faculty from fully grasping the institution to which they belong. Magnifying TU’s administrative structure, Board of Trustees and informal/influential connections grants students and faculty the opportunity to see their roles more clearly.

Administrative Hierarchy TU President Gerard Clancy, atop his sandstone tower, is much more open with his executive staff, students and faculty than one might expect from the president of a private university. Strolling across campus and attending student events seem to be his hobbies, as the Instagram account clancyspotted can attest. Theoretically, Clancy maintains an open-door policy for faculty, students and staff, though catching the man with even ten minutes of free time is a miracle. Clancy said he has worked 61 of the first 63 days of 2018, often logging 14-hour days, 80 hours a week. From the moment Clancy arrives on campus at 7:30 a.m. to when he leaves at 6 p.m., he meets with students, donors, trustees and his executive staff and responds to countless emails in the spaces between. He also teaches two courses: one for incoming freshmen and one for second-year medical students at the OU-TU School of Community Medicine. He and his wife spend most evenings after work at one TU event or another. “The academic calendar is filled with hundreds of events — day and night, on-campus and off — but that comes with the job,” Clancy said. “For example, Paula and I just finished up 15 nights in a row of events.” Luckily, his support system, colloquially called “P-SES” (President’s Small Executive Staff), is highly qualified and diversely astute. Currently, the executive staff includes: • Provost and Vice President for Academic Affairs Roger N. Blais, • Executive Vice President and Treasurer Kevan C. Buck, • Vice President for Diversity and Engagement and Director of the Presidential Scholars Program Jacqueline Higgs Caldwell, • Vice President and Director of Athletics Derrick Gragg, • Vice President for Institutional Advancement Kayla Hale, • Vice President for Enrollment Management and Student Services Earl Johnson, • Vice President of Strategic Initiatives Janet Levit* and • Vice President for Public Affairs, Research and Economic Development and Chief Executive Officer of Gilcrease Museum Susan Neal Descriptions of each of their jobs and the positions which fall under them can be found on page 8. With the exception of the vice president of strategic initiatives, each position oversees a number of departments. * Levit will replace Blais as Provost and Vice President of Academic Affairs on May 7. According to President Clancy TU is finalizing Levit’s salary and benefits to be “commensurate to her experience and duties.” “We are currently in a transition period and have not made a decision,” Clancy said, about what will happen to the position of the vice president for strategic initiatives.

Magnifying TU

The vice president for strategic initiatives works with colleges and administrative offices across campus, as well as with local, national and international partners, to develop and implement the University’s Strategic Plan, focusing on strategies to educate a more diverse student body; to analyze undergraduate, graduate and executive/ professional education programs; to increase enrollment; to support student success; and to build endowment focused on student scholarships and key academic programs. The vice president for strategic initiatives reports directly to the President and works closely with University administrative leaders, deans, faculty and students. The vice president’s specific duties vary from year to year as the University implements various parts of the Strategic Plan.

16 April 2018

The provost is the chief academic officer of the university responsible for curriculum, faculty (hiring, promotion, and tenure), accreditation of the University in general and certain disciplines in particular. In addition to overseeing the academic programs, the provost manages programs that support the instruction in the colleges, including the Henneke Center, the registrar’s office, the office of assessment, Center for Student Academic Support and the office of Student Success Initiatives, office of nationally competitive scholarships and the Tulsa Undergraduate Research Challenge (TURC) and the Tulsa Institute for Teachers. In addition to these programs that support undergraduate, graduate and legal education, are some other programs that fall under the rubric of academics.

The vice president for institutional advancement leads a team of 60 professionals in the areas of fundraising, alumni relations, special events, advancement services, and marketing and communications. This position also sits as a key member of the university’s Board of Trustees. She serves as a liaison between faculty and non-faculty constituencies and is responsible for creating an advancement program. Dr. Hale and her team are preparing for the next fundraising campaign, A Greater Commitment, which will focus on need-based scholarships, endowed faculty support, and student support initiatives.

The vice president for enrollment and student services provides overall leadership to the division of enrollment and student services which is comprised of a full time staff of over 100 professional staff and student employees. The vice president has direct oversight of the office of undergraduate admission, housing, office of student affairs, office of new student programs and services, counseling and psychological services, Greek Life, The Collins Fitness Center, the office of international student services, the intensive English program for international students, the office of student financial services, career services, and other multicultural student programs.

Associate Vice President of Institutional Advancement

Dean of Henry Kendall College of Arts and Sciences

Senior Director of Strategic Communications

Dean of Collins College of Business Dean of College of Engineering and Natural Sciences

Director of Stewardship Activities

Dean of College of Law

Dean of Oxley College of Health Sciences

Administrative Services Coordinator

Vice Provost for Research and Dean of Graduate School

Dean of Lifelong Learning and Continuing Education

Vice Provost for Global Education

Associate Director of Housing-Residence Life

Director of Development

Senior Executive Director of Marketing and Communications

Director of University Assessment Assistant Provost for Honors Program and Henneke Center for Academic Fulfillment

Director of Student Success Initiatives Director of Student Academic Support Director of Nationally Competitive Scholarships and Associate Director of Tulsa Undergraduate Research Challenge

Assistant Dean of Students

Director of Student Activities

Donor Services Specialist

Director of Greek Life

Program Coordinator

Associate Athletic Director for Development

Events Specialist

Senior Vice Provost and Associate Vice President for Academic Affairs

Associate Vice President for Enrollment and Student Services

Research Coordinator

Housing and Dining Systems Accountant / Budget Officer

Magnifying TU

16 April 2018

The vice president of public affairs, research and economic development for the University of Tulsa and the executive director of Gilcrease Museum oversees the University’s government and community relations. As a private university, most issues of concern to TU are at the federal and local level. Dr. Neal primarily works with the federal delegation as needed and with the Mayor and City Council on an on-going basis on any number of issues. In the area of community relations, she oversees TU’s True Blue Neighbors, the University’s community engagement and service initiative.

Director of True Blue Neighbors

The vice president for diversity and engagement (VPDE) is responsible for a range of executive duties in furtherance of The University of Tulsa’s mission of educating people “of diverse backgrounds and cultures” and TU’s commitment to principles of equity and inclusive excellence. The VPDE leads a Diversity Advisory Council (DAC) consisting of fifteen members including faculty, staff and students. In January 2017, DAC members completed a Diversity Action Plan for the University. The VPDE collaborates with a wide range of constituents both on and off campus to implement the Plan that include: recruiting and retaining more diverse faculty, staff and students; creating a more welcoming and inclusive environment for all university community participants and positioning TU for a changing world.

Director of Research and Sponsored Programs

The vice president and director of athletics is responsible for departmental leadership and strategic planning over student-athlete life, NCAA and American Athletic Conference compliance, athletic program administration, external relations, facilities planning, business operations, human resources, athletics development and university relations.

Assistant Director for Athletic Performance Assistant Director for Sports Medicine Assistant Athletic Director for Academic and Student Service Assistant Director of Marketing and Promotions

Associate Athletics Director for Student Services Associate Director of Athletic Equipment

Associate Vice President for Research Health and Safety Associate Athletic Director for Compliance

The Collegian: 9

The executive vice president and treasurer oversees security, human resources, board secretary, legal issues, information technology, sustainability, finances, facilities and physical plant maintenance. Each department has its own challenges, and given the national focus on security it is a priority to be prepared for potential security threats from shooters to data breaches. Crisis management scenarios are practiced, and experts consulted. Other challenges relate to human resources and whistleblowing notifications, sensitive announcements or new university initiatives that need to be researched to determine implications. Federal, state and local regulations and legal issues can change, and must be enforced. Buck oversees the self-insurance plan for employees, and provides due diligence to ensure that funds are available for unanticipated expenses. Issues related to employment, discrimination, harassment, immigration, and lawsuits also cross his desk.

Associate VP and Controller

Director of Media Relations Associate Athletic Director for Business Affairs

Associate Vice President of Operations and Physical Plant Assistant Athletics Director for Student Health and Performance

Associate Athletic Director for Operations and Internal Affairs

VP for Information Technology and CIO

Director of University Facilities and Campus Events

Director of Performance Facilities and Events Director of Campus Security Associate VP for Human Resources and Risk Management

Notes and Fun Facts Editors Note: The hierarchical information in this chart is incomplete and in no particular order due to the mismatch in information provided by each of the Vice Presidents about their staff. Fun Facts: • The University of Tulsa has 885 non-faculty full-time and parttime employees. • The University of Tulsa was founded in 1894. • TU enrollment for 2017 - 2018 was distributed with 3,343 undergraduate, 755 graduate and 335 law students. • TU’s undergraduate male to female ratio is 56 percent male to 44 percent female. • TU’s rates for students from multicultural / international backgrounds are 25 percent multicultural and 20 percent international. • 94 percent of TU students recieve some type of financial aid.

“I meet with my executive team weekly,” Clancy said. “I also meet with the academic deans as a group once a month. I have regularly scheduled meetings with each of TU’s vice presidents but meet with most of them daily as needed to discuss various university issues.” Meetings with the executive staff are designed to set an agenda and address extreme issues that arise, but the majority of student and faculty interactions with the university never reach that height. Barring dire circumstances, if a student called campus security, they would meet with a regular patrol officer, who would report to Captain Zac Livingston, who would report to Director Joe Timmons, who would report to Vice President Buck. Buck might never hear about that accident that occurred in Mayo Lot unless he is an avid reader of the “Campus Crime Watch.” The same is true for a student’s trips to visit the housing department, the bursar’s office, their academic advisor or any other department. This isn’t to say students are powerless when it comes to university decision-making. Student groups have successfully pushed for small changes across campus for years. SA President Andrew Hansen provided a list of Student Association accomplishments in the last four years, including the pool table in the Hut, resurfacing the racquetball courts, getting commuter lockers, better lighting along Delaware, having spicy chicken sandwiches at Chick fil-A, switching the hours of Benvenuto and Pizza Hut, having higher point beer in the Hurricane Hut, the creation of new positions in administration and establishing gender-neutral restrooms across campus. Hansen said that when the Student Association identifies a problem on campus, they have never had to work too hard to get what they want from university administration. “Essentially, if it’s a big problem for us, it’s a big problem for them,” Hansen said. If a student was so inclined, they are also relatively free to bypass Student Association and speak directly to TU’s administrators. Students are also free to air their grievances in The Collegian. Most crucial decisions, however, about the day-to-day functions of the university are made in a multitude of closed door meetings. Either for reasons of student privacy per the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA) or employee privacy, students have been denied access to examination of TU’s yearly budget, call logs and body camera footage of Campus Security, or employee salaries beyond what can be found on public records and information on disciplinary actions or ongoing lawsuits. For the most part, this information would be readily available at a public institution. Each of these, which I know from experience as a student journalist, has the potential for greater impact on a student’s life than spicy chicken sandwiches. (No offense).

Administrative Associate/Paralegal

Continued as Board of Trustees, pg. 10

The Collegian: 10

Magnifying TU

16 April 2018

graphic by Madeline Woods

“Prospective trustees are evaluated to ensure TU has a talented, diverse and influential national governing board,” Clancy said. Chairman of the Board Duane Wilson has the most prominent position and meets with Clancy on a weekly basis. The university’s long-term health The Board has standing commitand plans for institutional advancetees for just about everything one ment are discussed in quarterly might expect: executive, finance, meetings with the Board of Trustees investment, audit and risk manageand more frequent meetings with the ment, building and grounds, compenChairman of the Board and standing sation, nominating and governance, issue committees. Continued from Administrative Hierarchy, pg. 9

Board of Trustees

“The board has standing committees for just about everything one might expect” Membership to the Board begins with nominations sent to the Nominating and Governance Committee that is housed within the Board and includes Vice President Hale. Members of that committee review candidates based on a variety of factors they feel would enhance the quality, efficiency and effectiveness of the board.

athletics, faculty and curriculum affairs, advancement, student life and the Gilcrease Museum. Committees are chaired and staffed by trustees. Clancy attends these meetings as they occur. “Those trustees will have a larger role in board governance by virtue of their status on their individual committees,” Clancy said. Clancy declined to name the trust-

“ ... working groups convene to study issues the trustees or the president determine require additional focus or temporary projects.” ees on each committee because “we don’t want our trustees lobbied for work and projects at TU by outside vendors.” In addition, working groups convene to study issues the trustees or the president determine require additional focus or temporary projects. Clancy attends those meetings as well. Clancy’s interactions with trustees do not begin and end in the workplace. “I regularly visit with trustees at TU events or community events in Tulsa,” he said. The SA President also has a seat at quarterly Board of Trustee meetings,

where he or she presents a report as part of the Student Life Committee and has the freedom to speak on any issue or ask questions as necessary. “We sign a confidentiality agreement, so we can’t talk about what is discussed in the meeting, but there are often times when we talk about similar things on the student level,” Hansen said. However, Hansen said this has never been a problem for him because he has generally agreed with the university’s actions. When the Student Association has come forward with an issue, it is typically addressed.

“When the Student Association has come forward with an issue, it is typically addressed” Left to right: VP for Enrollment Management and Student Services Earl Johnson; VP for Institutional Advancement Kayla Hale; Executive VP and Treasurer Kevan C. Buck; VP for Diversity and Engagement, Jacqueline Higgs Caldwell; Provost and VP for Academic Affairs Roger N. Blais; VP of Strategic Initiatives Janet Levit; President Gerard Clancy; VP for Public Affairs, Research and Economic Development Susan Neal; and VP and Director of Athletics Derrick Gragg. The Executive Committee is the highest decision-making body on campus.

16 April 2018

Connections The human connections that bind TU, and bind it to Tulsa at large, make up much too vast a network for any map to feasibly capture. The relationships graphed here are a small sample of only the most obvious connections found in public records. Relationships between people and institutions in this section should only be read as the existence of a connection between two points where there is a theoretical potential for influence to exist. This article makes no statement about the actual existence of influence, let alone its measure or directionality.

Magnifying TU ily’s several charitable trusts in 1949 at nearly 70 years old. James was the son-in-law and business partner of Robert McFarlin (yes, THAT McFarlin). In addition to providing a significant portion of the university’s operating budget, James and Leta’s donations continuously fund the Dean John Rogers Scholarship for Law, the Chapman Social Science Development Fund and the Chapman Distinguished PhD Fellowships. Leta’s sister Pauline McFarlin Walter created a trust that funds the Chapman NEH Challenge Scholarship. The legacy continued with James and Leta’s son H. Allen and his wife Mary K. Chapman, herself a University of Tulsa graduate. H. A. and Mary K. created foundations to

“The relationships graphed here are a small sample of only the most obvious connections found in public records.” The relationships highlighted here are significant because the central entity, whether a person or organization, has several connections to other points on the map. The choice to highlight a relationship should not be read with any implication of wrongdoing. 1. The Chapman Legacy Society Engraved in the stones of the McFarlin Library courtyard are the names of the hundreds of people and institutions that have given significant donations to the University of Tulsa. There are currently 694 engraved stones representing more than 1,000 endowments and planned gifts, so for simplification, this graph highlights only those individuals and institutions with other connections to TU. The Chapman Legacy Society is named for James and Leta Chapman, who established the first of their fam-

ensure their gifts to the University of Tulsa were perpetual after their deaths in 1979 and 2002. According to the plaque that decorates the plaza’s wall, “Such giving reflects a special confidence in the University’s mission and plays a singular role in its realization.” Donations exceeding a $25,000 endowment are considered a part of Chapman’s legacy. Notably engraved in sandstone are the names of at least 39 current and former members of the Board of Trustees, two donations from Former Mayor Kathy Taylor, the Bank of Oklahoma, the George Kaiser Family Foundation, 11 oil and natural gas corporations, former TU Presidents Steadman Upham, Robert Lawless and J. Paschal Twyman, Vice Presidents Kayla Hale and Janet Levit and TU’s own athletics department. Neither Mayor Taylor nor her husband Bill Lobeck attended TU.

The Collegian: 11

“Notably engraved in sandstone are the names of at least 39 current and former members of the Board of Trustees” However, between personal donations and a gift from the Lobeck Taylor Foundation, their support created the Elizabeth Frame Ellison Scholarship for the University School in 2014 and the Lobeck Taylor Family Advocacy Clinic in TU’s College of Law. A 2010 donation from the Bank of Oklahoma created the Bank of Oklahoma Atrium at McFarlin Library. Their endowment maintains support for McFarlin Library and is used for the acquisition of materials in McFarlin Library’s general collections. The George Kaiser Family Foundation made a sizable contribution to the university in 2010 to honor TU Trustee and GKFF President Frederic Dorwart creating the Frederic Dorwart Endowed Chair in Energy Law, a faculty position “focusing on sustainable energy and emerging trends in the energy sector,” according to the TU website. In 2016, Dr. Steadman “Stead” Upham, who served as the 17th and 19th president of TU, established an endowment fund to support the university’s general operations. This fund is formally recognized as The

to honor her son. Her donation contributes to CSAS, which provides resources to increase student retention through tutoring, individual academic counseling, academic skills workshops and accommodations for students with disabilities. The Janet K. Levit Endowed Scholarship in Law was created by VP Levit’s family, friends and colleagues in 2015. The scholarship is intended to honor her tenure as dean of the law school. TU Law alumnae Sharon Bell, the Honorable Jane Wiseman, the Honorable Mary Fitzgerald and Mary Quinn Cooper organized fundraising efforts and made their own gifts to establish the scholarship. Last, the Athletic Legacy Scholarship Endowment Fund established in 2009 was created or the family and friends of now deceased TU athletes to provide a memorial gift to the university as a tribute to their loved one. The donations made in the names of student athletes by their survivors pays for a scholarship of around $2,500 a year. Since its establishment in 2009, it has provided eight scholarships. The names of the Leg-

“These charitable gifts are crucial because of the university’s non-profit status.” Steadman and Peggy Upham Chapman Legacy Society Endowment and now serves as a reminder of the late president’s tenure and concern for the long-term health of the university. Vice President Kayla Hale created the Connor Alexander Acebo Endowment Fund for the Center for Student Academic Support in 2013

acy Athletes are prominently displayed on a plaque in the Donald W. Reynolds Center. These charitable gifts are crucial because of the university’s non-profit status. Continued as Connections, pg. 12

graphic by Madeline Woods

The Collegian: 12

Magnifying TU

Continued from Connections, pg. 11

16 April 2018

named for the renowned Creek oilman Thomas Gilcrease in 1949. Gilcrease deeded the museum to the 2. The Gilcrease Museum The late TU President Steadman City of Tulsa in 1955. The University Upham once called the Gilcrease of Tulsa then formed a public-private partnership with the city in 2010 to “Tulsa’s greatest asset.” Whether you agree with that state- take over control of the museum’s ment, the sentiment is certainly re- day-to-day management. Major decisions about the Gilflected by the funding the museum receives and its connections to Tul- crease from TU’s perspective fall under the purview of Vice President sa’s most powerful organizations. The museum was created by and Neal and President Clancy. TU’s

board of trustees also has a committee which focuses on the long-term health of the museum. Several members of the Chapman Legacy Society at TU specifically targeted their donations toward the management of the museum. In 2013, the Museum Association reciprocated the support by funding a graduate assistantship in museum science and management. Notably, the Gilcrease Founders

Council includes Tulsa’s other powerful institutions like the Mervin Bovaird Foundation, the H.A. and Mary K. Chapman Charitable Trust, the Helmerich Trust, the George Kaiser Family Foundation, the Anne and Henry Zarrow Foundation and the Maxine and Jack Zarrow Family Foundation. Nearly all of these organizations have also contributed to the University of Tulsa in some capacity.

3. BOK Financial The University of Tulsa and BOK Financial have much more in common than their home city. As previously mentioned, the Bank of Oklahoma is a member of the Chapman Legacy Society and has been “a steadfast partner to TU in various initiatives through the years, funding programs in both academics and athletics. Their support encompasses the Michael D. Case Tennis Center, the Donald W. Reynolds Center, the Golden Hurricane Club and the TU Annual Fund, among other initiatives,” according to the University of Tulsa website. As of 2015 the Bank of Oklahoma and TU Trustee Sharon Bell were listed as the trustees and director of the Chapman Charitable Trusts, of which the University of Tulsa is a beneficiary. The TU Alumni Association Tulsa Chapter President is Jackie Griffin, the VP Corporate Compliance Manager of BOK.Five of the university’s trustees and President Clancy have direct connections to the bank. Trustee Steven G. Bradshaw is the President and CEO of BOK. Trustee Sha-

In addition, a University of Tulsa employee confirmed that the majority of TU’s banking, though not all, is done through BOK. Some banking is handled at other local banks, and TU is required to utilize a separate bank as custodian of endowment assets. That bank is BNY Mellon. TU assets total approximately $1.5 billion. 4. The City of Tulsa The University of Tulsa began as the Presbyterian School for Indian Girls, a small boarding school in Muskogee, Indian Territory, which was founded in 1882. In 1894 the academy was re-chartered as Henry Kendall College. In the years following, financial difficulties prompted school officials to seek a new location. Successfully courted by the business and professional community of Tulsa, which was booming after the discovery of oil at Glenpool, Henry Kendall College moved to Tulsa in 1907. Several years later, the city of Tulsa proposed a new college, to be named after oilman Robert M. McFarlin. Aware that Tulsa was not large enough to support two competing colleges, the Henry Kendall Col-

lege trustees proposed in 1920 that the envisioned McFarlin College and Kendall College affiliate under the common name “The University of Tulsa.” Connections between the city and the university continue today. Notably, there are connections to those who have served as Tulsa’s mayor. As previously mentioned, Tulsa’s 38th mayor, Kathy Taylor, made significant financial contributions to the university, as has Tulsa’s 31st mayor, Robert LaFortune, who attended TU for a few years in the late 1940s. David Inhofe, cousin of former Tulsa Mayor Jim Inhofe, created a scholarship at TU in the name of his wife, famous Tulsa novelist S. E. Hinton. Other than those explicit financial connections, TU Vice President Susan Neal served two terms on Tulsa’s City Council, after which she served on both Mayor Taylor’s and Mayor Dewey Bartlett’s management teams as the director of community development and education.

ron Bell served on the BOK board of directors from 1993 until 2016. Trustee Frederic Dorwart is general counsel for BOK. Additionally, Trustees Chet Cadieux and Steven Malcolm are beneficial owners and directors as well, according to the company’s February 2018 10-K SEC filing. Clancy currently serves on BOK’s Board of Directors, as did former TU President Upham before him. OSU President Burns Hargis is on BOK’s Board too. “I am also a director for the Tulsa Area United Way and the Tulsa Regional Chamber of Commerce,” Clancy said. “Those duties from those boards help me inform the BOK board of economic development and needs of the underserved in the Tulsa area.” BOK Financials directors are compensated with a retainer of 75 shares in the company per quarter, $750 in cash for each Board of Directors meeting attended, $500 in cash for each committee meeting attended, and $1,500 in cash for each committee meeting chaired, according to their March 2018 DEF 14A SEC filing.

graphics by Madeline Woods

16 April 2018

Magnifying TU

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5. George Kaiser Family Foundation Connections between the George Kaiser Family Foundation and the University of Tulsa have already been teased in many of the other connections, but it is worth revisiting these connections as another story. On the GKFF website is a quote from Kaiser that says, “No child is responsible for the circumstances of his or her birth.” The quote reflects the mission of the George Kaiser Family Foundation well. GKFF is a charitable organization committed to the idea that every child deserves equal opportunities for success. According to their website, the organization does this by employing “evidence-­based practices to tackle the most pressing problems in our community, often through importing proven national programs.”

graphics by Madeline Woods The institution relies on publicprivate partnerships and the financial backing of George Kaiser and the Bank of Oklahoma to support early childhood education, improve community health, reduce the cycle of incarceration and facilitate civic enhancement. While there is nominally no overlap between the goals of GKFF and the University of Tulsa, they both fit within the broad umbrella of education and have a shared desire to see the city of Tulsa grow. Beyond their shared interests, George Kaiser is the principal owner of BOK with well over 50 percent of the company’s shares.

The relationship between the University and BOK has been established previously. Also as stated above, GKFF made an endowment gift to the university in excess of $25,000 for the Frederic Dorwart Endowed Chair in Energy Law. Fred Dorwart is both a trustee at TU and GKFF president. QuikTrip CEO Chet Cadieux also sits on the Boards of both institutions. TU and GKFF both support the Gilcrease Museum; TU VP Janet Levit is married to GKFF Executive Director Ken Levit. 6. Oil and Natural Gas Industry Currently there are 516 TU stu-

dents enrolled in petroleum engineering, chemical engineering or geosciences at the undergraduates, masters and doctoral levels. TU’s petroleum and petroleum related fields are a popular draw for both domestic and international students. Of TU’s active 42 active trustees, at least seven, and possibly more, have direct connections to the Oil and Natural Gas Industry by virtue of owning or working for a company that produces or supports the production of fuel. In darker oclors are the oil and natural gas companies that are members of the Chapman Legacy Society.

There are so many more connections and institutional facts about the University of Tulsa to uncover and explore. Transparency is the first, necessary step to accountability. TU should consider willingly subjecting themselves to the Oklahoma Open Records Act. Barring that, they should make it so that articles like this are pointless. As students and faculty, your livelihood depends in one way or another on the decisions made in unseen places. I am graduating now. It is your turn to take up the mantel and magnify TU.

The Collegian: 14


16 April 2018

TU junior to publish third novel

Bryant Loney talks Nickelodeon, the 2000s and his new novel, “Sea Breeze Academy.” Trenton Gibbons News Editor Emeritus

Bryant Loney is a junior at TU with two published novels to his name — and a third on the way. This isn’t just remarkable for someone his age, or for the fact that he’s been balancing the pursuit of an education while he wrote his most recent novel, “Sea Breeze Academy”; it stands out to me as something pleasantly concrete in a field where writers, myself included, often do not follow up their ambitions with actual writing. When I asked Loney how he developed such a passion for literature, he answered, “Only writing comes naturally to me. Fully dedicating myself to storytelling as a medium of self-expression has allowed me to channel my energy beyond the tortured artist rhetoric and into something more positive.” That something isn’t just an enthusiasm for fiction, but grammar as well: “Subject/verb agreement, parallel constructions, collocations, and so on,” he says. Besides creative writing, Loney studies education policy and women & gender studies, something he can hardly keep from influencing his work. “Because of race, gender, age, class, sexuality and learning disabilities, no two people enter a room as equals, and it would be foolish to pretend as such,” he said. He voiced his desire that gender asymmetry and the lack of diversity

be recognized in entertainment and media, and he stressed the importance of this in his work. “Writing is about truth, whether it be fiction or a school essay. Don’t give in and ‘fake it till you make it.’ Criticize what upsets you,” he said. It’s interesting to hear how Loney has incorporated that search for truth in his novels no matter how strange their premise. His

courtesy Verona Booksellers

Loney’s writing career has been prolific so far, and he shows no signs of slowing down.

first published work, “Exodus in Confluence,” was meant to examine “school shooters under the guise of a post-apocalyptic confessional.” His first novel, “To Hear the Ocean Sigh,” examined the impact technology has had on contemporary teens and their friendships. Finally, “Take Me to the Cat” is about “nostalgia, sexuality, religious fanaticism, Michael Jackson and the right to privacy.”

Hardesty Language Community provides immersion for learners Starting next year, TU students can sign up to live in a portion of Hardesty Hall designated specifically for students learning French, Chinese, Spanish, Russian or German. Hannah Kloppenburg Web Manager Emeritus TU students can now get a taste of international living without leaving the state of Oklahoma. Next fall marks the beginning of the Hardesty Language Community, a portion of Hardesty Hall designated specifically for language learners. Applications are open for students learning French, Chinese, Spanish, Russian or German. The community is a collaboration between TU Housing and the Department of Language and Comparative Literature. Dr. Victor Udwin, associate professor of German and comparative literature and one of the program’s organizers, said that the community is meant to supplement the university’s new International Engineering and Languages program. “To make a success of that, we really wanted a living situation to be made available to the students to support their effort,” he said. Udwin explained that the community is also intended for international business and language students, as well as students in the language and comparative literature department. However, students don’t need to have a degree in one of those three programs to participate in the Hardesty Language Community. Students who participate in the Global Scholars program will likely be invited, and anyone interested in travel or language learning is welcome to apply. “We’re trying to be as open to everybody who thinks they can contribute … our main requirement would just be commitment to the idea,” he said. The introduction of the new IEL program, as well as the availability of Hardesty Hall, created what Udwin calls a “perfect storm” of factors which led to the community’s creation. There have been a few iterations of language living communities on TU campus in the past. The most successful of these, the 10th St. Language House, ended around 2002 when it was moved to a new location on campus. “We learned how important the place you put your community is,” Udwin explained. “It’s not just about the idea. You need to have the right space.” The Hardesty Language Community’s organizers feel that its location, the 3rd floor of Hardesty Hall, is the right space. It has a great room that provides a common hangout space, outdoor plaza, medieval windows that Udwin says provide a bit of old European flavor, and a combined living space and kitchen. The organizers hope that students will use the kitchen to their advantage. “Cook-

Loney’s newest book, “Sea Breeze Academy,” continues to blend human truth with fictional absurdities. In it, the students of an elite boarding school on the California coast realize they are in a TV show; worse still, it’s their fifth and potentially last season. Loney’s search for truth here manifests in the characters’ reactions to this realization. Often in media, when this kind of self-

ing different cuisines is always of interest to people who are studying different languages … it’s one of the easiest ways to gain access to different cultures, just to eat their food. Especially if it’s delicious,” Udwin joked. “The way that people are around their food is cultural. The way they eat their food is cultural. What they talk about while they’re eating, how long they take to eat, all those things are really important cultural elements that can’t be taught in a classroom,” he explained. Hardesty Hall is also in a central location on campus, allowing not only for the meeting of different languages and cultures, but colleges. The language community is intended to supplement TU’s already intensive language programs and study abroad opportunities. “Language isn’t just about learning to put sentences together. It’s about learning the literature, learning the history, learning how the society has been constructed in the past and how it’s being constructed today. It’s part of the humanities,” Udwin said. He commented that many of TU’s language programs, especially IBL, are notable for their high language learning standards and goal to encompass all of these attributes. Dr. Christopher Anderson, professor of Spanish and Comparative Literature and another of the program’s organizers, agreed. “When we send students abroad, they come back really competent. TU is special in that way. We don’t compromise,” he said. Udwin commented that the language community would hopefully help prepare students for similar living situations abroad and provide an opportunity for students who have already been abroad to help their peers — essentially, to assist students before, during and after the study abroad process. He also hopes that the community will be a resource for those who want to continue their language learning but don’t want to pursue a language degree. The organizers hope to see a mix of American and international students living in the community to help facilitate the international experience. Students in the community will be in charge of programming, which in the past has included events like art shows, music, presentations by students or guest speakers, dance classes and international film showings. “[The 10th St. Language House] became the most fun place to be on the weekend at TU,” Udwin said. “It was very lively. That’s what we’re hoping for again.” Both Udwin and Anderson think that the Hardesty Language Community will facilitate TU’s already thriving tradition of international learning. “What we hope to do with these various degrees, and with the language house, and with study abroad, is to [ensure that] when you leave here you’re a different person, and also, you’re ready for a job in many, many countries around the world,” Anderson said. Applications for the Hardesty Language Community are still open, and Udwin estimates that they will be open through June 1.

awareness is addressed, “the tendency for writers is to have them crack a joke, to have them give a knowing wink to the audience.” That’s not how the students at Sea Breeze Academy react. “If I discovered my life were staged,” Loney said, “I would feel angry, confused, devastated. No jokes. Such a realization would break a person, and likewise, I wanted to break the stock characters we grew up loving: the smart one, the pretty one, the jokester, the muscle, the quirk.” Loney is fetching these stereotypes from the same early 2000s shows he was raised by. Much of these are the mainstream successes of Nickelodeon, Disney Channel or Cartoon Network, anything from tween sitcoms like “Drake & Josh” to inventive animated shows like “Danny Phantom.” The most important part of looking back on these shows, for Loney, was to identify how the children’s shows of the ‘90s, 2000s and 2010s have addressed the maturation of characters and continuity in a medium that usually prefers “heartless humor and platitudes over legitimate life lessons.” Loney went on to cite Hannah Montana, a “guilty pleasure” but also, he argues, a “well-deserved success for Disney,” for its balancing

of comedic misadventures and more sincere, dramatic moments. “Sea Breeze Academy” is as much a meta-narrative of these shows as it is a parody of them, and the novel simultaneously operates as a part of Loney’s Honors Plan on education, protest culture, identity as performance and family values in children’s television. That such an unusual premise might even begin to address these lofty concepts sounds a lot more feasible when one hears him elaborate on his understanding of the shows “Sea Breeze Academy” mirrors. “‘Hannah Montana,’ ‘Wizards of Waverly Place,’ ‘The Suite Life of Zack & Cody’ … these shows are based on wish fulfillment, saying kids can live these eccentric lives as a pop star in disguise, as a wizard in Manhattan or in a palace of a hotel,” he said. Loney, instead, commends the empowerment and legitimization of children as a viable audience, something Nickelodeon pioneered when it dedicated its programming entirely to children in 1984. The network, Loney explained, strayed from Disney and other family-friendly channels to forge its own path on television by showing not what parents approved but what kids wanted to see. “Sea Breeze Academy,” in part, addresses where Nickelodeon went wrong. In his own words, “The network saw an increased focus on licensing and merchandising, massmarketed feminism, formulaic structure, Cool with a capital C and perhaps patronizing exclusivity rather than genuine inclusivity.” Life at Sea Breeze Academy is sure to resemble life at TU in some measure, this being the first novel Loney has written while attending the university. But students can also look out for more specific references, like Springfest, the 2016 ban on hoverboards or a whole slew of fictional campus buildings named after Loney’s own professors, such as Parssinen Hall, Dutton Suites and the G. M. Jenkins Administration Offices. “TU students should feel right at home at Sea Breeze Academy,” Loney said. “Take a shot every time a character mentions their tuition.” “Sea Breeze Academy” is due to release on Tuesday, June 26, 2018, in print, audiobook and ebook formats via Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes and various other major retailers.

New funding guidelines for student organizations SA announced big changes to the funding process that they believe will serve students’ best interests. Michaela Flonard Managing Editor Emeritus Student organizations will experience a new funding process in the coming months. While the start date of this new funding is undetermined as of yet, the new process hopes to make students’ lives easier and ensure events always get funding. According to Amelia Som de Cerff, an SA member who was on this committee, student organizations will be guaranteed $1,000 of funding, with the ability to get more money if needed. While this may seem like a decrease from the current $6,000 guarantee, SA doesn’t actually have enough money in its budget if every club were to use their allotment; instead, they currently rely on the fact that about half of the organizations don’t ask for money; some spend around $1,000, and the rest who spend over $1,000 tend to spend over $6,000. At the beginning of each semester, each organization will submit an Organization Strategic Plan (OSP). This plan will include the complete budget, with all the activities for the semester, the purpose of these activities, and an advertising plan for these activities. SA Senate will then evaluate the OSP, with three senators looking at each OSP and not reviewing an OSP they are also a member of. With the new guidelines, each organization will be evaluated by three tiers. Tier one programming are larger events that bring together a large number of students, enhance the community, reputation or tradition or club sport competitions and conference travel. Tier two programming are more limited in scope and interest, such as philanthropy dinners, lecture series or special interest programming. Tier three programming is designed for current organization members, like weekly meetings, apparel or organizational equipment. Tier one programming has highest priority, but Som de Cerff said this will only be used as a factor if SA starts running low on funds and needs to decide what to fund outside of the guaranteed $1,000 for each organization. After reviewing and placing each organization, a Strategic Financial Planning Com-

mittee (SFPC) will determine the funding that will be awarded to each organization. Once the budget is approved, the funding will go directly into the organization’s account. This, SA hopes, will remove students paying for events out of pocket and hoping for reimbursement. Students will still have to submit receipts and attendance numbers, but these will factor into future funding. If there is gross misrepresentation or misuse of funds, all money received will be immediately returned to SA. Unused funds will not roll over into the next year. Organizations will also have $200 to spend on non-consumables. Som de Cerff said this new process may help “encourage more intentional programming,” as events will be planned out early in advance. Club sports will benefit from the change. Previously, the cap on travel funding was $3,000 out of the $6,000 budget, and for club sports, travel is most, if not all, of their spending. Coriolis Force, the ultimate Frisbee team on campus, ran into this problem during the year; they reached their travel cap but not their budget cap. These new guidelines do not set a limit on travel funding for club sports but do for academic or leadership conferences. Conferences of this nature tend to be more expensive than club sports and also generally have additional ways of receiving money, such as department grants. Som de Cerff hoped the change will move SA senators from being “gatekeepers to more of stewards” of the money. Students will not be required to defend their budget before SA meetings as in years past. The system “more accurately reflects how we already give out funds,” Som de Cerff said, but has been rewritten as to make it less complex and punishing than the current system. If an organization decides to host an event during the year that wasn’t initially planned for, they’ll have to explain the need for it and its budget, but will most likely receive funding, unless SA is struggling with funds. SA does plan to help student organizations as these new guidelines are enacted. A mock budget will be released, and Som de Cerff said they expect some bumps along the road as students get used to the new system, but SA believes it will work in the students’ best interests.

16 April 2018


The Collegian: 15

Graduation rates at TU a vibrant topic of discussion The University of Tulsa plans to raise its graduation rates over the coming years. Students and other universities have ideas TU could emulate.

every week can significantly harm students’ graduation rates. It’s estimated that working more than 25 hours a week hurts students’ ability to pass their classes; a study by the Georgetown University Center on Education and the Workforce found that only 45 percent of students who did so could keep their GPA above 3.0. But in 2017, about 40 percent of students were estimated to work 30 hours a week or more. Students also often take fewer credits per semester than are necessary to graduate on time. While TU defines full-time as 12 credits per semester, students need to take, on average, about 15 credits a semester to graduate on time. A B.S. in Biology at TU requires 124 credits to graduate, as does an

as the first priority, so the university is researching ways to improve these rates. Recently, the university has done a few things to aid in rates. The changes to summer pricing policy, effective this year, gives free tuition to students who’ve completed less than 30 credits at TU, and reduced tuition to others in order to encourage summer courses. CSAS provides free tutoring, while the International Student Success Center provides English language support and help so students can adjust to life in the United States. A counselor has been added to the Alexander Health Center, while three staff members have been added to CSAS. Additionally, TU has resources designed to help students through the advising and

to offer remediation alongside college-level courses, almost like intensive tutoring.

Student Perspectives Jackson Wood is graduating after five years at TU with a B.A. in sociology and a minor in biology, with some pre-med courses. Wood didn’t declare his major until Michaela Flonard the second semester of his sophomore year Managing Editor Emeritus and didn’t add the pre-med emphasis until his junior year. He said his time at TU was At TU, 52 percent of first-time, full-time extended due to “a combination of poor students who entered in fall 2008 graduated planning, ignorance of resources and an in four years, while 58 percent of those who uncertainty about my major — all of which entered in fall 2010 graduated in the same are things that many other students suffer time. In six years, 70 percent of students from.” who entered in 2008 graduated, while 73 Wood remarked that it “has never seemed percent of students entering in 2010 realistic to me that an 18-year-old graduated. could choose their professional diComparatively, the six-year rection … the time I spent sampling graduation rate for full-time, first classes in order to figure out what I time students entering in 2009 was wanted to do was time added to my 66 percent for private, non-profit time at TU.” But Wood also didn’t institutions like TU, according to “have a single conversation with an the U.S. Department of Educaadvisor before enrolling in my first tion’s National Center for Educasemester of classes.” It was faculty tion Statistics. Individual colleges that finally influenced his major deand universities vary. Washington cision, not administrative offices. University in St. Louis, for instance, While Wood admitted he might be had a four-year graduation rate for courtesy U.S. Department of Education National Center for Education Statistics an exception to the norm in this restudents entering in fall 2008 at 90 Six-year graduation rates at TU were somewhat above the 66 percent national average. gard, he said “Nevertheless, it seems percent, while Tulane University like a lapse in the responsibility of graduated 70 percent of their students English B.A. This means students should scheduling process. Givens-Rains said that the administrative offices.” over the same span. He added, “I take as much or more reAccording to the Chronicle of Higher take 15.5 credits each semester, assuming “students have year-round access to advisEducation’s College Completion site, TU’s they didn’t come in with AP or pre-college ers (faculty and professional) and degree sponsibility for my extended time as I give graduation rates place it solidly in the mid- classes, to graduate on time. Taking 15 plan records through Student Planning. to any arm of the TU administration. If I dle for four-year, private non-profit univer- credits is discouraged by some financial aid, These tools enable students to explore and could go back and start again, I would accomplicating the situation. Additionally, make choices in their fields of study, cus- tively seek out guidance instead of waiting sities. TU does hope to improve its four- and the ceiling for receiving the maximum Pell tomizing their academic plans to best suit for it to come to me.” He concluded by saysix-year graduation rates. Sheila Givens- grant and some state financial aid is gener- their personal priorities and preferences and ing that his time at TU was productive and summarizing courses required to complete good. Rains, the Director of Student Success Ini- ally 12 credits. Even as students graduate in six or more their unique academic plans.” Trent Gibbons, who entered TU in 2014 tiatives, said that starting with the fall 2017 Acquiring data on graduation rates for and will take classes this summer to graduclass, TU hopes to have 70 percent graduate years, a recent U.S. Department of Educain four years, and 80 percent graduate in six tion study found the average graduate had different colleges and majors may also help ate, believes making more classes worth the 138.4 credits by graduation, and that is TU students. Big datasets would allow the same credit might help students graduate on years. TU lacks comprehensive data on gradua- before accounting for an average of 20.3 university to better understand why students time. credits hours failed, repeated or withdrawn are struggling to graduate on time at a small, He dropped a course during his sophotion rates by college or major. from. These credits may stack up from private university that strives to be a presti- more year, and because that same class Late Graduation Can Be Detrimental transferring universities or changing majors. gious one. Data on student performance can wasn’t offered for a while, he had to take a In colleges across the US, students of- A 2014 federal study found about 40 percent help address what types of programs and more difficult option in a different college. If ten don’t graduate in four years. Looking of students who transfer get no credits for resources are actually effective. Data could the courses are comparable, Gibbons argued at four-year universities with greater than completed courses and lose 27 credits on also be used to better identify risk factors they should be worth the same credit. for delayed graduation and allow counselors Other students note that class sizes some10,000 students, the “Educause Review” average. Remedial courses may also affect stu- and advisors to reach out to students who times seem artificially small. Limiting classfound that the median four-year graduation rate was 27.9 percent, with 55.4 percent me- dents’ ability to graduate on time. Such fall into those categories. The University of es to ten students, for instance, allows the classes don’t count towards a degree. At Nebraska — Kearney uses software to ana- university to brag about small class sizes but dian rate of graduation in six years. Taking longer to graduate translates to in- TU, Chemistry 0123: Principles of Chem- lyze dropout rates and determine students can prevent students, especially underclassmen who select classes last, from taking creased cost and lost wages. Looking at the istry serves as a remedial course, prepping who may be at risk for delayed graduation. courses on schedule. average tuition for private nonprofCourse schedules may also afit colleges, plus expenses related fect student graduation rates. If a to repaying loans with an annual course and its prerequisite are ofinterest rate of 4.9 percent over the fered at the same time, only once standard ten years, a student might a year, students may have trouble pay an extra $18,992 in tuition and fitting things into their schedule. fees and an extra $7,823 in interest At TU, this has happened in the over ten years. courtesy Chronicle of Higher Education marketing major. Marketing 3003 The National Association of Because graduation rates only include first time, full-time students, they do not cover all of TU’s entry class. is a prerequisite for marketing Colleges and Employers estimated 3013, which is a prerequisite for in 2013 that a student who took five years to Some colleges have chosen to address 4083. The first two courses were offered graduate could lose $46,355 in income, and students for basic concepts and problems student work to improve their graduation this spring, but students were unable to take if graduation took six years, $94,353, (as- necessary for General Chemistry. Givens-Rains explained that issues in rates. Temple University decided to award them at the same time. Next spring, marketsuming some wage growth). Not working also decreases the ability to several areas may cause students to not $4,000 grants to 500 eligible students who ing 3013 and 4083 are offered during the save for retirement. According to NerdWal- graduate on time. Academic issues like agree to work less than 15 hours a week off same semester. Unless the college allows them to take let, a consumer finance company, a student course difficulties, poor analytical or com- campus. This program is part of their “Fly in taking five years to graduate loses out on munication skills and behavioral issues, 4” campaign aiming to get students to grad- both classes at the same time, students may $82,074 in retirement savings, while taking such as “lack of self-discipline, poor time- uate in four years. As part of the program, have to wait until spring 2020 to take marsix years causes a loss of $150,882. These management skills, not attending class or students must follow the requirements about keting 4083. It may be possible to avoid estimates were based on saving 7.1 percent not devoting enough time with campus,” advising and attempt to stay on track; if stu- this by use of big data — using enrollment of income in a retirement plan, the average may contribute. Givens-Rains also pointed dents meet the program’s requirements but and major rates to predict when to schedfor people under 25, with a seven percent to socio-emotional issues, such as “dissatis- are still unable to graduate on time, Temple ule courses to better encourage students to faction with on-campus living environment will pay for whatever courses are necessary graduate in four years. annual return over 45 years. or roommates, dissatisfaction with social as- to graduate. Overall, students have had a variety of pects of campus,” financial reasons or being Complete College America, a program experiences graduating at TU. By changing Why are Graduation Rates So Low? aiming to increase U.S.graduation rates, some of its operations and collecting more A variety of reasons contribute to gradu- the first in the family to go to college. recommends colleges cap credit hours need- data on students, TU hopes to improve its ation rates being what they are, and it often Ways to Improve Graduation Rates ed for a bachelor’s degree at 120 hours, a four- and six-year graduation rates. depends on who you ask. TU’s 2017 – 2022 Strategic Plan places little below what some of TU’s degrees reWhile college, especially a private one like TU, may be pricey, working long hours improving retention and graduation rates quire. The organization also wants schools

Fresh Prints a new addition to TU’s creative side Fresh Prints Editor-in-Chief Thomas von Borstel speaks on the new, experimental zine starting up in Tulsa. Conner Maggio Graphics Editor Stated to be “The People’s Zine,” Fresh Prints is looking for artists of every variety to aid in their call of artistic expression. All mediums are welcome, so long as they can be printed, to show the creativity of the community in a way that is transformative, expressive and most importantly evolutionary. Currently, the Fresh Prints zine is composed mainly of TU students from RAW, a reading and writing club held at TU. This zine is for “TU students who are interested in artistic inquiry through experimental methods,” says Thomas von Borstel, editor-in-chief of the zine. Speaking of Tulsa as a whole, he continued, “We’ve been a part of a literary community that is so supportive, but lacks many publications.

We believe that there is more space for publications — especially student-led and run — that can cater to the growing needs of the very young Tulsa lit community.” While “there are incredible avant-garde artists in Tulsa that have to go out of town to get published, so why not start a publication for this community of experimental artists?” With their love of the experimental artist, they hope to gain an readership and writers who are creatively focused and experimentally driven. One can submit work to Fresh Prints via their website form. The submission will be anonymous to the editors who are viewing the work. The editors will then decide which works will go into the zine. “As soon as we’ve selected those for publications,” said von Borstel, “then our hope is to meet all of the artists who have submitted and build relationships, fellowship and community with them. Additionally, we hope to have a reading associated with the zine, maybe once or twice a year!” Fresh Prints is a medium for those with “a burning passion for your poetry, fiction

or visuals, or the growth of art in Tulsa, and believe that art encompasses far more than the traditional and classical notions, and are willing to approach taboos, disregard form, adapt to the postmodern world we live in,” according to von Borstel. As TU students, von Borstel said the publication is a “burgeoning movement in Tulsa that needs a push, and a serious, experimental publication is just another step toward the goal of being a city of premier artists.” Although they do not want to be an ordinary publication, or even an ordinary zine, they want “to bring the smallness, slowness, closeness of community to being published, not the cold and hard submission process of uploading a piece of work and never meeting the people we work with.” Von Borstel concluded, “I hope that people who aren’t necessarily involved with the art community join us in the effort. We named this Fresh Prints because, one, we like ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’ just as much as the next person, and two, we think that art can be something poppy, in which we embrace the normalcy of our commu-

nal memories and the discourse of our ordinary daily interactions.” “We don’t need a supposed high art or pretention. We need people, community and genuine expression. We look forward to working with and by the Tulsa and TU community,” he finished. For more information on Tulsa’s latest zine, visit their website at

Correction: We ran Improve TU #30 with a misattributed set of authors on April 9, 2018. Elizabeth Proctor should have been credited instead as Liz Cohen.


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ing stall. Officers were unable to locate the owner of the second vehicle, but left information for the student to contact Campus Security.

Mar. 24 11:55 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers responded to a fire alarm at the Pi Kappa Alpha Fraternity house. Officers made contact with fraternity members and discovered there was no fire. The Tulsa Fire Department responded but was canceled as soon as it was discovered there was no actual fire. Mar. 25 10:40 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to the Brown Village Apartments Lot for a report of a non injury motor vehicle accident. Officers met with a student who stated they struck another student’s vehicle while backing out of a parking stall. Officers were unable to locate the owner of the second vehicle, but left information for the student to contact Campus Security. Mar. 27 5:05 a.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to the Brown Village Apartments Lot for a report of a non injury motor vehicle accident. Officers met with a student who stated they struck another student’s vehicle while backing out of a park-

Mar. 29 5:45 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers responded to a fire alarm at Phillips Hall. All occupants were evacuated and officers found the source of the alarm to be from burnt food in the break room. Tulsa Fire Department was cancelled. The alarm panel was reset and the occupants for the event were allowed to re-enter. 7:10 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers responded to a report of a loud sound that came from the area of Fraternity Row. Upon investigation, officers found members of a fraternity house had placed dry ice in a small water bottle to cause the sound. Officers informed the individuals this activity was not permitted on the University of Tulsa property. The individuals informed officers it would not happen again, and officers left the area without further incident. 8:50 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to Hardesty Hall to check on a reported odor of marijuana outside one of the dorm rooms. Officers met with the resident assistant and knocked on the door. No additional evidence was found in the room itself, and no odor was present inside, so officers left the residence. 10:40 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to the Mayo Village

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Apartments in regards to a noise complaint. When officers arrived on scene, the smell of marijuana was detected. Officers checked inside the source apartment, but were unable to find any marijuana or paraphernalia in the apartment. 10:40 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to the Brown Village Apartments to document the damage from a grease fire in one of the residences. No alarm was ever received at the Communication Center from the event. When officers arrived, the fire was already out, and the residents were ventilating the apartment by opening all the windows. Officers took photographs of the damage. Mar. 30 10:50 a.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to the Mayo Village Apartments for a report of a bicycle larceny. Officers spoke with a student who stated their bicycle was locked to a bicycle rack the previous day and when they returned, the bicycle was missing. Officers took a written statement and collected information on the bicycle that was stolen. 7:00 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to the Chapman Commons for a report of an injured student. Officers arrived and administered first aid with the consent of the student. The student declined emergency medical attention and was transported by a friend to a medical facility.

Apr. 4 12:00 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers received a report of a student who had been threatened by another student in Keplinger Hall. Officers spoke with the student and collected statements from the parties involved. 1:30 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to the Henneke Building in reference to an individual loitering in the back alley by the air conditioners. Officers made contact with the individual and discovered they had been previously contacted by Campus Security multiple times. The Tulsa Police Department was contacted. The individual was arrested for their outstanding warrants. Apr. 5 5:55 p.m. While on routine patrol, University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers observed an individual stumbling on the sidewalk of South Delaware Avenue near the Collins Fitness Center. The individual fell several times onto Delaware Ave. The Communication Center contacted Emergency Medical Services Authority(EMSA) due to the individual being highly intoxicated and bleeding. EMSA transported the individual to Oklahoma State University Medical Center for further treatment. The Collegian does not produce or edit the Campus Crime Watch except for content and brevity.

Wednesday, April 18 at 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Phillips Hall, South side of building School of Art, Design & Art History’s Annual Ceramics Sale This is one of our biggest event of the year! The annual ceramics sale will be held April 18th from 10:00 am to 4:00 pm on the south side of Phillips Hall. Ceramics are provided by faculty, students, alumni and ceramics club.

Emma Palmer Variety Editor

DR Congo boycotts UN aid conference The Democratic Republic of Congo has chosen to boycott an aid conference hosted by the UN that focuses on raising money towards the humanitarian crisis in DR Congo, claiming they do not need the aid. While the UN has moved the crisis to a level three — the highest possible emergency, on-par with the crises in Syria and Yemen — the government of DR Congo has denied the designation. “We have our own figures which should be compared with UN figures,” said DR Congo’s Ambassador to the UN, Zenon Mukongo Nga, in a statement to the BBC. This past year, over 40,000 Congolese refugees have fled to western Uganda and settled in Kyangwali, a refugee camp where the conditions are extremely poor, with little access to water and sanitization, leading to sickness and disease outbreaks. The country has an estimated 40 million people facing severe food insecurity, with 12 percent of child starvation cases worldwide coming from DR Congo.

Yellow fever outbreak in Brazil the worst in modern history Since 2016, the nation of Brazil has struggled to contain the largest outbreak of yellow fever in this century. There have been over 19,000 confirmed cases, with 590 deaths being recorded. The disease, which is spread by mosquito bites, has spread in rural areas outside of major cities, where cases of yellow fever had remained relatively rare. In the past, Brazil proved successful in containing the disease, being one of the largest suppliers of the yellow fever vaccine. Now, however, the country does not have enough of the vaccine to immunize all its residents, having sent over vast quantities of doses to Angola when an outbreak occurred there in 2016. Officials in large cities have opted to administer fractional doses, where a normal dose is broken up into fractions so as to reach more people. The effectiveness of the vaccine when diluted like this is currently unknown. But officials hope that it will be effective, at least temporarily, in preventing the further spread of yellow fever.

Labor strikes spread across Germany, France Germany’s largest airline, Lufthansa, has been forced to cancel half of their 1,600 scheduled flights last Tuesday, affecting 90,000 passengers. The cancellations are due to Verdi, a trade union, staging walkouts to put pressure on employers in the public sector. This comes not from strikes from the airline, but rather public sector workers on the ground in airports. This is similar to previous demonstrations in France, where air travel was affected when Air France cancelled 30 percent of its flights. Air France employees are demanding a six-percent pay raise after seven years of pay freezes. In addition, France’s national railway company SNCF has organized a two-day strike in response to labor reforms enforced by President Emmanuel Macron. During the strike, only one out of every five trains were in motion.

Thursday, April 19 at 8:00 p.m. Reynolds Center 2018 TU Springfest Concert TU Student Association’s annual Springfest concert features Lil Xan, Smallpools and Knox Hamilton this year! Current TU students are admitted free with ID. Tickets also on sale to the general public. Friday, April 20 at 12:00 p.m. to 1:00 p.m. Keplinger Hall, U2

IEEE Speaker Dr. Hamed Ekhtiari from LIBR will discuss “How Non-Invasive Electrical Brain Stimulation Can Reshape the Future of Mental Health: Potentials for TU-LIBR Collaborations.”

Friday, April 20 at 7:30 p.m. Lorton Performance Center, Gussman Concert Hall Cappella Chamber Singers & TU Chorale Spring Concert The University of Tulsa School of Music presents Cappella Chamber Singers and TU Chorale in their spring concert. Prof. Roger Price will conduct his composition And Can It Be? with the Cappella Chamber Singers and chamber orchestra, Arvo Part’s Magnificat and Brahm’s Schaffe in mir, Gott. Ron Pearson and Prof. Price will conduct the TU Concert Chorale in compositions by John Rutter, Tom Fettke and Randall Thompson. Student conductors Hope Bradford, Jericho Stratton and Ryan Ganaban will conduct compositions by Vaughan Williams, Barnum and Lauridsen.

Saturday, April 21 at 10:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. Keplinger Hall Third Annual Oklahoma High Performance Computing Competition The Tandy School of Computer Science will host the third annual Oklahoma High Performance Computing Competition. The event welcomes teams of graduate and undergraduate students as well as those from two-year colleges to compete in high performance and supercomputing challenges. To register or learn more about the programming and high performance computing on a cluster track, please email Professor Peter Hawrylak at peter-hawrylak@utulsa. edu. Saturday, April 21 at 11:30 a.m. Paintball Land

TU Treks Paintball Join us for TU Treks’ last event of the school year! We will head out to Paintball Land for a fun-filled day of paintball! Sign-ups are next Wednesday, April 18, at 9:15 p.m. in the Student Union. If you have any questions about the event or sign-ups, please contact Ann McGuire at The Collegian does not produce all event descriptions in the Community Calendar. Contact us at with events.

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Officials’ statements against walkout misguided

The teacher walkout is a demonstration of the freedom of assembly, a right which should not be berated by state officials. Nathan Hinkle Student Writer The Oklahoma teacher walkout continued throughout the last week as teachers fought for more education funding. After receiving a pay raise of 6,000 dollars and 50 million dollars toward school funding, teachers continued to strike to receive more funds for education in the future. The largest teacher union in the state, Oklahoma Education Association, called an end to the strike on Thursday. In response to this effort, official figures spoke out feeling that the continued efforts of teachers after receiving the pay raise was not beneficial to the citizens of Oklahoma. On April 3, Mary Fallin made the comment, “Teachers want more. But it is kind of like having a teenage kid that wants a better car,” and stated that she felt that the antifascist group Antifa had been involved in the organization of the walkout. In addition to these claims, U.S. Education Secretary Betsy DeVos argued that Oklahoma teachers “should keep adult disagreements and disputes in a separate place.” While it is understandable that parents and officials wanted students to be able to head back to school, the ability to fight for one’s beliefs is a cornerstone of democracy. By ridiculing teachers and call-

ing them petulant children for their actions, state officials undermine the important tools of democracy. Fallin and similar opponents felt that these teachers were not thinking about the students who were missing out on school. By removing students from the classroom for an extended period of time, teachers were reducing students’ opportunity to learn and receive a proper education. Teachers were not thinking of the ramifications of their actions. This involves not only students not receiving a proper education but also the burden placed on parents who now have to find a suitable place for their kids during the walkout. Poorer families in the community may not have the resources to spend on these expenses when their kids would normally be in school. It also potentially caused a problem for students who receive their major meals of the day at school due to their inability to have food at home. Proponents of this view feel that this extended teacher walkout caused a larger issue in the community that the teachers disregarded for their own sake. Some representatives, such as Kevin McDougle, felt that the walkout went against common decency and proper procedure in government. In a now removed video concerning the walkout and the recent revenue bill, McDougle stated, “It took us a year

courtesy Moving at the Speed of Creativity Underpaid teachers marching at the state capital have sparked controversy among politicians, as some argue the teachers walking out have prevented students from receiving proper education.

discourse in the state government. Some would argue that by promoting such a form of communication, we incentivize people to halt the work being done in the state legislature to get what they want. Instead of talking to their representatives and through bi-

“By ridiculing teachers ... for their actions, state officials undermine the important tools of democracy.” and a half to pass it. And now they come into this House, they want to act this way. I’m not voting for another stinking measure when they are acting the way they are acting.” McDougle would later apologize for his statement, arguing that he would support the rights of teachers even if he disagreed with their methods. The problem with the teacher walkout and march on the House Floor for some is that it sets a dangerous precedent for civil

partisan efforts, we are throwing the system into potential chaos in which nothing can be done. The inherent problem with these comments is that they are attacking fundamental tools of our democracy. Citizens, no matter their job title, should be allowed to voice their opinions to their legislators in the forms that they feel are most effective. This does not mean there should not be limits, such as the prevention of violence or overt

and dangerous aggression. By calling these teachers stuck-up children, state officials are directly attacking one of the most important parts of our democracy, which is the freedom of speech and of assembly. The process of democracy is not always clean and tidy, but that does not mean that the actions themselves are wrong. American history is built on these turbulent events that have shaped the landscape of the country. From the Women’s Suffrage Procession of 1913 to Martin Luther King, Jr’s March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom in 1963, our history has been undeniably shaped by these actions. While there should be always be discussion about the best courses of action and its potential ramifications, demeaning one’s fellow citizens for using their First Amendment rights is a shameful activity. Instead of demeaning our fellow individuals if we disagree with them, we should provide our own ideas and be involved in fruitful discussion.

Amazon wristbands symptom of harmful work culture

By attempting to increase company profit, Amazon has put the wellbeing of its employees at risk. Emily Every Commentary Editor Amazon has secured a patent on wristbands that use vibration to guide warehouse workers’ hands to items needing to be processed. Though Amazon was granted the patent back in January, the company has yet to introduce the tech to their warehouse floors. The wristband’s design uses ultrasonic tracking to accurately locate where it is in position to the object targeted for processing. While the introduction of the

wristbands into Amazon’s warehouse floors would ostensibly streamline the process of packaging, this streamlining would be undercut by exhausting, invasive supervisions of workers’ literal every move. If a worker weren’t actively moving toward the targeted items within the picking floor, the area within the warehouse where packaging takes place, the wristband vibrates to guide them to the right direction, thereby cutting down on time between items being packaged. The use of ultrasonic tracking could be used to alert supervisors where a worker is, how quickly they’re packaging, and could be set off by any amount of minor dawdling. The constant vibrations would ward off any slacking during work, perhaps to a dangerous degree. As is, Amazon workers are required to pack an item per 30 seconds and are reminded of their progress in the form of their “units per hour” tracked on a screen in front of their station. Workers are discouraged from sitting down, are subjected to timed restroom breaks and work long, arduous hours. These descriptions of the working conditions within an Amazon warehouse come

courtesy Flickr Amazon employees working on the picking floor are already under tremendous amounts of pressure, and the inclusion of wristbands tracking worker movement would only increase stress.

from Alan Selby, a reporter with UK publication “The Daily Mirror,” who spent five weeks undercover working the picking floor at the Tilbury warehouse in Essex. He recounts working ten-hour shifts and witnessing an ambulance being called to the warehouse on two separate occasions due to workers collapsing from exhaustion. Previous upper and middle managers at Amazon have described similarly demanding, yet less physically intensive, working conditions in a 2015 New York Times article. Bo Olson, who used to be in book marketing for the company, shared that he’s seen

slacking to their supervisors. In a company with such rapid employee turnover, everyone competes with everyone else to just maintain their livelihood. The introduction of the patented wristbands into the warehouses would only compound the problems already present in the company. More militant tracking would push overworked employees even harder to not fall short of extreme demands. Moreover, supervisors could theoretically justify more firings per annual cull, increasing the already extreme pressure on those working in the picking floor.

“It’s as if ... the company flipped the script and is molding their workers into machines.” “nearly every person [he has] worked with” cry at their desk at one point or another during his time at Amazon. The online retailer encourages its employees to tear apart each other’s ideas at meetings and work long nights at the office or through holidays. This type of office environment may have made Amazon the most valuable retailer in the United States, but it equally encourages internal politicking and cultivates a culture of employee dissatisfaction. Though Amazon has become a pressure cooker all the way up its corporate ladder, the most pressure remains on those working on the picking floor. With a goal of 300 units packed per hour, it’s difficult to meet quotas. Though Selby usually was able to meet his quotas during his time at the picking floor, supervisors would regularly remind him that he could lose his job if he wasn’t able to keep up with company-set goals. Amazon annually fires its underperforming employees and promptly replaces them with new recruits that may be able to keep better pace with the company’s exacting expectations. Pregnant workers or those suffering from a medical condition that the company let go have said that they felt they were unfairly treated and weren’t given the opportunity to get back on their feet before being given the chop. The company can point to how many units per hour the employee has packed and use that as justification for letting someone go, so it becomes vital to employees to keep their numbers in the proper range. The constant rounds of firing also encourage employees to not use the restroom beyond the time limit or show any outward signs of

Amazon is trying to squeeze all the labor possible from its workers, enough so to create wristbands that could shave off seconds between packing one item and retrieving the next. While it is the goal of a business to make as much profit as feasibly possible, Amazon is wringing labor from employees that are already overworked and overstressed. It’s as if Amazon is trying to mechanize even their workers to reach robotic levels of job performance, but because the technology is still too lacking to make machines into workers, the company flipped the script and is molding their workers into machines. Beyond tyrannical business strategies, the wristbands could increase the number of workers injured on the job as they push themselves to meet ever-increasing expectations. During Selby’s brief stint at Amazon, a colleague confided to him that she pulled a hamstring during work but “just had to carry on.” The wristbands would not ameliorate these types of situations, but would likely only increase their frequency. This would include more people collapsing from exhaustion and working through injuries they can’t afford to take a few days off work to heal. These wristbands were not patented to improve the quality of life of Amazon’s workforce but instead to bolster the company’s bottom line. If Amazon were to ever implement these vibrating wristbands, it would betray the already poorly hidden secret that Amazon sees its employees only as numbers — packing time per item, units per hour and, most important, dollars of revenue generated for the company.

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The Legislative Digest is your weekly look at the happenings of Oklahoma’s state legislature, and the bills and politics you need to know. Raven Fawcett Managing Editor Oklahoma’s legislature will outlast our semester. That’s no measure of how productive they’ve been, however. As ever, the purpose of this article is not only to convey news and reactions to the legislature (that you are welcome to agree or disagree with), but also to remind you that your actions matter. Your vote, your volunteer hours to a candidate’s campaign, and your calls to elected officials’ offices to express your opinions on these bills matter. Think carefully about the bills you see and the ones you don’t (all available online, both on the official Oklahoma Legislature’s website and places like LegiScan). With that in mind, here’s the latest in state law. SB1503: The bill, passed and signed by the governor, concerns Oklahoma Pleading Code. It adds female pronouns to the act, so there’s a lot to unpack there. Oklahoma: ready to let men and women alike plead in court within certain parameters. On the one hand, more inclusive language is necessary, and the point of a democracy is that our legislation is sensitive to these needs. But is this really how our venerated leaders should spend their time and effort? It’s a fine and frustrating line. The other change to the law double the amount of time a party has to an amended plea, either within the time remaining or within 20 days as opposed to the original 10. HB3300: Some bills slap you in the face with their obviousness. If they weren’t law before they should have been, and only because they’re common sense wrongs that people will absolutely do anyway. Coincidentally, that’s exactly how I feel about HB3300, which creates a new act, the Breanne Bell Act. It requires staff members and providers of care for vulnerable adults — people with mental or physical disabilities — to sign a form that informs them that they can be charged if they have sexual contact with their charges. The law is based on the case of 22 year old Breanne Bell and her family’s subsequent experiences. It was passed by both chambers and signed by the governor. SB1091: While I’ll never defend driving under the influence, I do believe that people shouldn’t be penalized both for driving under the influence and for not having enough money to get a better sentence. This bill limits the district attorney’s discretion in sentencing DUI cases, so that DUI sentencing will hopefully apply more equally to all citizens. In any case, it restores a modicum of power to the judges in our justice system, which theoretically creates a fairer and less partial system, as they general have more experience and are more impartial in their decisions. The bill has been signed into law and goes into effect on November 1 of 2018.

Game Theory a valuable life experience

A course in Game Theory teaches students the science of strategic interaction and changes their perspectives on the world. Alex Garoffolo Student Writer Did you know that if you and a partner are caught robbing a bank and the police take you in for questioning, you’re both better off saying nothing, even though the advertised penalty for not ratting on your partner is quite larger than for turning them in? This situation is known as the prisoner’s dilemma; it’s a central case study in the academic discipline called game theory.

changed the way I thought about simple, everyday situations. Game theory is the science of strategic conflict. We applied it to the Cold War, tennis matches, dating scenarios, game shows, political conflicts, armed conflicts and even movies. Hint: “The Dark Knight” features more game theory than any blockbuster ever made. Game theory is applicable to virtually every academic discipline and every scenario in your daily life because it’s the science of strategic interaction. Any time two or more people are making independent decisions with interdependent consequences, game theory comes into play. It’s a cliché to say that the reason we go to college is to learn how to think. As David Foster Wallace famously told Kenyon College’s graduating class in 2005, it’s such a cliché because, after all, if students were already smart enough to get into Kenyon (or TU), they probably didn’t need a whole lot of help in the thinking department. However, game theory is a science and course that will teach you how to think … at least in a different way. For example, there’s one portion of the course that focuses on signaling games. Sig-

“Game theory is applicable to virtuallly every ... scenario in your daily life.” Game theory began in economics but has since spread in application to a wide range of other academic disciplines. If you’ve ever read or watched “A Beautiful Mind,” you know the story of John Nash, game theory’s pioneer and first superstar. He won a Nobel Prize in the 1990s for his contributions to economics. Everybody’s taken at least one class at TU that really annoyed them. You might have wondered, “Why am I forced to sit through this to graduate?” or alternatively, “How will this knowledge ever help me?” Let me tell you, a class on game theory will never leave you asking either question. I took game theory with Dr. Settle last semester. The only prerequisite is passing a microeconomics course. It completely

LETTER As the Collegian editor-in-chief who published the first the Improve TU issue back in 2014, I’m very proud to see the overall strength of this year’s edition. I am, however, quite disappointed in article #20: “D1 athletics drains Golden Hurricane.” The idea of TU moving to a lower level of athletic competition (where less money is spent) is not new. In the early 2000s — when TU football was particularly bad — the idea was taken very seriously. Now it seems to pop up every time the football team has an off year. It’s also a serious and healthy discussion

nals are what one player sends to the other to provide information, either real or fake. This was the basis behind brinkmanship in the Cold War: each side signaled that it could blow the other apart with massive amounts of nukes, but neither side wanted to actually do that because it was mutually beneficial to not destroy the planet. So, each side used proxies. The Soviets armed Cubans while the Americans put missiles in Turkey. The Americans created and expanded NATO while the Soviets backed communist forces in Southeast Asia. Signals play a role in tennis too. Tennis has what’s called a mixed equilibrium, which means each player wants to perfectly mix their shots in order to make the next shot seem random. If I hit Federer six shots in a row down the line, chances are he’ll start to

to the editor for the TU community to have. TU invests a lot in athletics, and dropping down to a lower division would be a viable new direction for the university. Unfortunately, last week’s article was not a serious, or helpful, contribution to this discussion. In particular, I take issue with two major implications of the article: that athletics should make money and that TU athletics has little or no value. Like basically everything universities do, athletics costs money. What’s different about athletic is that two sports (football and men’s basketball) also generate significant

First off, I am humbled that the student body has put faith in me to serve as the SA President for this upcoming year. I stand by what I said on my platform: SA will become more efficient, innovative, and sustainable. In order to achieve this, we are going to need help. We need you. During the campaign season, the most valuable thing I got to do was sit down and have genuine conversations with people of diverse backgrounds. They each had their own ideas

graphic by Conner Maggio Game theory is a strategic way of handling all of life’s situations, including dating scenarios.

expect that. Should I keep doing that, he’ll wipe the floor with me easily. Thus, each player wants to perfectly mix shot selection to keep the other one guessing. You can use signals in your daily life too. Your clothes? Those are a signal. What kind of watch or jewelry you wear on a date? Those are signals. Are they real signals, or do you use plastic and run up debts dressing a certain way in hopes of making others think you’re wealthy and chic? Dating, seen from a game theory perspective, is just one big game where each player slowly reveals bits and pieces of information about themselves. Go too fast on the first date by telling her about your recurring Shrek-themed nightmares? Probably not the best strategy. Deciding where to meet up for the date could be a game too. What if each of you forgot your phones (the horror!)? Do you know enough about her to think she’d prefer Starbucks or the local coffee shop? Do you go back home to get your phone, or do you take the chance? This game has an equilibrium, or combination of best options for each player too.

A darker example of game theory is the Kitty Genovese murder. It took place in the early 1960s in NYC. A man killed Genovese, as the story goes, within earshot/eyesight of potentially 30 other New Yorkers. So why did not a single one pick up the phone to call the police? You can model this scenario with game theory; you find that as the number of spectators to an event increases, the likelihood of any single one of them independently making a move plummets. This is why bystander intervention training is such a big deal on college campuses these days. Thoughts like “It’s not my problem,” “Somebody else will take care of it” or “I don’t want to have to talk to the police, so I won’t say anything” are a few of the examples we tell ourselves. Intervention training instructs you otherwise. Game theory is a class everybody should take. It’s taught only in the fall semester, so prepare accordingly. If not the class, at least pick up a few books on it and acquaint yourself with some of its tenants. You’ll be grateful you did.

revenue. That makes it easier to ask if athletics as a whole ‘makes a profit.’ But this question sounds a little crazy if applied to other university activities. Does the art department make a profit? What about McFarlin Library? Or the Collegian? The point of a university is not to make a profit. It’s to do things that are valuable for its students, staff, alumni and other stakeholders. We spend money on athletics because we think it is valuable to the TU community. And despite Guglielmetti’s implication that only student-athletes care about athletics, much of the TU community still finds value in TU sports. As evidence, I could point to the flurry of negative reactions to the article from alumni on social media, many of whom see D1 athletics as one of the few ways to remain connected to TU after graduation. Or I could cite that Tulsa has one of the highest ratios of football attendance to student population

in the country (about 5.5), a far fairer way to compare our students’ interest in sports to schools 15 times our size. TU spends a lot of money on D1 athletics. When I was sports editor in 2012, we had the second-highest athletic spending per student in the nation (after Notre Dame). That’s why it’s so important that conversations about the future of Tulsa athletics include serious research about the costs involved and acknowledge the many benefits that D1 athletics bring the university community. Leading this conversation takes a lot of work, but it is literally the job of the Collegian’s sports editor to do this work. I hope in the future our paper can play a more constructive role in facilitating what should be an ongoing conversation about the role of athletics at the University of Tulsa. — J.Christopher Proctor

and different things to bring to the table. I believe any student who has any desire to make our campus better has this ability. If you want to make a critical impact at TU, I am asking for you to join us. We will find a place for you on SA. This past election taught us a lot of things. Our ability to listen to students needs to drastically improve. This is something we haven’t been the best at, but we are only getting better. We also learned that SA has failed many students. The current system leaves some students feeling excluded and frustrated. As we progress, we need to find more ways for organizations and people to become involved in SA while expanding the horizon for opportunities. This will restore our reputation. If you are willing to make our organization a place for all, I ask that you join me in this quest of inclusion for SA. We are certainly ready for you. —Conner Bender

16 April 2018


The Collegian: 19

My Collegian career Satire has shaped the way I view news and other curiosities

Hannah Kloppenburg Web Manager Emeritus The most important lesson I learned about journalism didn’t actually come from “The Collegian” (oops). It came from a girl I met during study abroad. Her name was Cassidy and she was spectacularly curious. Not curious as in “strange,” but curious in that she wanted to know everything about everything. She would ask street vendors in Lima how to make the fried sweet potato doughnuts they were selling. She dove into literature about Peruvian politics and social dynamics with vigor. One time, we were on a weekend trip in a beach town, and she dragged me over to a group of men sitting at a dark storefront (to my horror and their bemusement) so we could ask what a certain Spanish word on a sign meant. (It turned out

by countless research papers and years of competitive, stressful schooling, the Collegian provided me with an opportunity to continue being curious, and I’m immensely grateful for that. The number of people I’ve met, places I’ve seen and things I’ve learned during college that I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t worked for the paper is ridiculous. This opportunity has made my life richer, and I hope it continues to enrich the lives of the talented editorial staff who are taking the helm next year. TU is a great institution with a special community, and I’m proud to have spent my college career working for an organization that seeks to highlight the best of it and pushes fervently to improve the worst of it. I can’t begin to explain how important it is to have a publication on campus where students have a voice. I’m also incredibly proud and grateful to have spent four years working with a staff of motivated, engaged, intelligent and goodhumored people, many of whom have become some of my closest friends. Shoutout to Kyle Walker and Conor Fellin for dragging me into editor apprenticeship, thereby launching one of the best decisions of my college career.

“Great journalism is driven by curiosity, by a desire to know people” to be a word for the woven hair wraps that people get at the beach.) That particular event makes for a fun memory of a vaguely embarrassing interaction, but it also made something click for me — Oh. THAT’S what I’ve been doing wrong. In my work for “The Collegian”and even just in my daily life, I wasn’t being nearly curious enough. Great journalism is driven by curiosity, by a desire to know people, places and phenomena. It’s imbued with the need to seek things out, whether they be injustices, tragedies or sparks of happiness. At a time in my life when I was burnt out

Thanks to Giselle Willis Cuauhtle for being my friend, unofficial mentor and official policer of em dashes and Oxford commas. Thanks to Kayleigh Thesenvitz for being my partner in editorial shenanigans, investigative reporting and general ruckus-raising since freshman year. A BIG thank you to the Collegian writers and editors, particularly the 2016-2017 and 2017-2018 editorial staff, for being part of my favorite college experience and, most important, for doing great journalism. And to next year’s writers: thanks in advance for all your hard work. Stay curious!

Adam Lux Satire Editor Emeritus I’ve never really felt like my time here at The Collegian has been a job. While yes, I do get paid for it, and yes Kayleigh would have yelled at me if I ever decided not to do my work, I rarely felt coerced into working either from the prospect of money, or the fear of reprimand. Every Sunday was more like hanging out with an odd group of friends than an obligation I had to fulfil. It’s like we set aside this time for the purpose of getting together, telling dumb jokes and making fun of one another, in a friendly way of course. That isn’t to say I didn’t take my work seriously. The State-Run Media is a very serious publication. Despite knowing about every single typo that we ever put in print (mostly my fault), I’m proud of the section I’ve produced this year. I think one of the hardest things about leaving is going to be giving up my title of Head Propagandist. It’s a title that one gets a bit too used to seeing under their name. My experience with my writers has similarly been a pleasure. Thinking of article ideas is actually one of the most difficult aspects of this position so seeing my writers resonate with one is very rewarding. Their wit and talents always produces articles completely different to, and usually better than, what I had imagined. They made my job as satire editor so much more enjoyable. I learned a lot in my time here as well. About language and writing. About humor and satire. I think the most valuable skill I learned from this is how to look at the news through the eyes of a satirist. This may

sound silly but I think this is the way everyone should consume news. Trying to find the absurd and the humorous forces one to notice the flaws and injustices and biases which unfortunately exist in news. It also reveals journalism which actively fights against the flaws of news, as these tend to be harder to satirize. This has taught me to discern which stories are important and which are not. It taught me how the ways stories are told manipulate their interpretation. I guess my lofty ideal as a satire editor is that I’ve taught my readers and writers how to better read news stories as well. I hope I’ve taught at least someone how to find the absurd, the ironic, and the ridiculous in everyday life. Failing this, I hope you at least thought I as funny. I first walked into the Collegian office my freshman year thinking I’d just be occasionally taking pictures at sports games to make some quick cash. Now I’m leaving it as the Satire Editor and realizing the paper became a massively important part of my life. Risking making a “the real Collegian is the friend I made along the way” meme, I’m realizing now that the reason I love this publication so much is because of the people here. Our editors, staff and writers have talents in and passions for journalism, art and culture, discourse, sports, graphic design, publication, and satire which makes it possible to both produce a high-quality student newspaper and have fun while we do it. Thank you to all my writers for producing amazing satire. Thank you to the other editors for dealing with my stupid jokes. Thank you to Bryant for fixing my terrible grammar and spelling.Thanks to Brian for keeping us paid. Thank you to the distribution managers for literally spreading the word Thank you to Hannah for making sure my mom has access to all my weird articles. Thank you to Madeline and Connor for taking my crazy graphic ideas and making them amazing. Thank you to Kayleigh and Michaela for just dealing with my shit in general. Thank you to all of the State-Run Media’s readers for thinking I’m at least a little bit funny.

“I hope I’ve taught at least someone how to find the absurd ... in everyday life.”

A lifetime of growth with TU

Kayleigh Thesenvitz Editor-in-Chief Emeritus I was basically born at TU. On my second day alive, my dad brought me to work with him in McClure Hall to show off his newborn daughter to his co-workers. When I was a toddler I was dressed up in a tiny Tulsa Cheerleader costume to attend home games.

At the worst of times, I saw TU as a crumbling institution full of people who would rather throw others under the bus than accept blame for their own missteps. At the worst of times, TU allowed a rapist to stay on campus while expelling another student without a conduct hearing. At the worst of times, TU enforced massive cuts to the salaries and benefits of its faculty and staff while building a new dorm, and then closed a dorm on campus because they couldn’t meet enrollment. At the worst of times, students were depressingly apathetic to TU’s biggest problems and TU’s greatest accomplishments alike. But none of these events affected my view of TU nearly so much as the best of times. At the best of times, I saw students engage in silent protest over a conversion therapist.

“I was raised to love this place, with its bright sandstone and lush grass.” In middle school I spent summer days playing RuneScape in my dad’s office and taking summer classes at the University School. As a third generation TU attendee and with guaranteed free tuition because of my dad’s employment, TU was the only school to which I sent an application. I was raised to love this place, with it’s bright sandstone and lush grass. As I went on UA tours, attended Preview TU and made friends at orientation I was convinced that there wasn’t a better school anywhere that I could have chosen. I’ve grown so much over the last four years. My worldview has changed at least a couple dozen times. And my opinion of TU has changed with it.

At the best of times, my colleagues and I curled up on the couches in the Collegian office and got to know each other. At the best of times, TU responded positively to significant student demands. At the best of times, small class sizes and fantastic professors really were the key to learning that the university claims. If any of you remember me when I’m gone, I hope I’ve left behind a legacy. I hope my endless rants for transparency have left an impact. I hope the Collegian continues champion improvements across campus. I hope that when other students come to TU with big expectations, their expectations are only ever exceeded.

2017 - 2018 editor-in-chief

Kayleigh Thesenvitz managing editor

Michaela Flonard news editor

Trenton Gibbons sports editor

Justin Guglielmetti variety editor

Ethan Veenker commentary editor

Raven Fawcett satire editor

Adam Lux photo & graphics editor

Madeline Woods

business & advertising manager

Brian Kwiecinski

social media & web manager

Hannah Kloppenburg copy editor

Bryant Loney distribution managers

Amber Bunnag-Stoner

Katelyn Baker and Nathan Gibbons

The Collegian is the student newspaper of the University of Tulsa. It is distributed Mondays during the fall and spring semesters, except during holidays and final exam weeks. The University of Tulsa does not discriminate on the basis of personal status or group characteristics including but not limited to the classes protected under federal and state law. Inquiries regarding implementation of this policy may be addressed to the Office of Human Resources, 800 South Tucker Drive, Tulsa, Oklahoma 74104-9700, (918)631-2616. Requests for accomodation of disabilities may be addressed to the university’s 504 Coordinator, Dr. Tawny Rigsby, (918)631-3814. To ensure availability of an interpeter, five to seven days notice is needed; 48 hours is recommended for all other accomodations. Advertising Policy: Advertising appearing in this publication does not imply approval or endorsement by the University of Tulsa or the Collegian for the products or services advertised. For advertising information, email the Collegian at The deadline for advertising is noon on the Friday proir to publication. Letter Policy: Letters to the editor must be less than 500 words and can be sent to Under no circumstances will anonymous letters be published. The name of the person submitting the letter must be published with the letter. We reserve the right to edit or reject all letters. The deadline for letters is 5 p.m. on the Friday prior to publication. Editing Policy: The Collegian reserves the right to edit all copy submitted by all writers. This editing may take place in many forms, including grammar corrections, changes in paragraph structure or even the addition or removal of sections of content. Editorial Policy: Columnists are solely responsible for the content of their columns. Opinions expressed in columns may not represent the opions of the Collegian staff, the administrative policies of the University of Tulsa, the views of the student body or our advertisers.


2018 - 2019 editor-in-chief

Justin Guglielmetti managing editor

Raven Fawcett news editor

Ethan Veenker sports editor

Brennen Gray variety editor

Emma Palmer commentary editor

Emily Every satire editor

Madison Connell photo & graphics editor

Conner Maggio

business & advertising manager

Brian Kwiecinski

social media & web manager

Sara Serrano

copy editor

Bryant Loney distribution managers

Amber Bunnag-Stoner

Katelyn Baker and Nathan Gibbons

The Collegian: 20


16 April 2018

Four years later, four years smarter?

Michaela Flonard Managing Editor Emeritus So because I’ve written for this amazing publication for four years, being a news editor for a year and managing for this past year, I get to write a goodbye letter that about five people, and hopefully not my parents, will read. And instead of being sappy and getting sad, I’m gonna talk about the school in general. Location: Let’s go with this. I fucking love Tulsa. I have repeatedly defended it when talking to people from elsewhere, who consider Oklahoma a flyover state — I talk about how great the food is here, the amount and quality of museums, its performing arts, its cost. But let’s also be real. Oklahoma is a nightmare, a burning trash heap with some gold in the middle. As of writing this, a two week teacher walkout just ended without accomplishing serious reforms. This is not the best state, qualitatively. And it’s not in the best location, either. Call me biased, but there’s an astounding lack of natural wonders in this state. The prairies and the forests are great, but I really love me some mountains (Turkey Mountain is a hill people, c’mon). It lacks the picturesque that really makes it vacation-worthy. Plus, you have the rampant and very obvious class divide here that is just depressing. Faculty/Education Quality: Well, now’s the time to be polite. I’m going to a really great graduate school, and obviously TU had some help with that. But also. I’ve been jealous at every single visit because other students have such cool classes and such

cool technology. The communication between departments could be a bit improved; I didn’t know we had bioinformatics classes until end of my sophomore year (which yes, is partially my fault). And, like, I get budgeting is hard, but can we avoid being so broke we can’t hire new teachers? Like, the bio department is hiring two new teachers. For next year. Which is great, but, like I wanted more classes. Social Life: Fine? Live your life, be friendly, because you’ll be amazed. Soon

University Resources: If you could make me a little less paranoid and not make my classes in a building with asbestos, I’d be happier. While I’m sure it won’t cause death, it’s never reassuring to go to class and see that sign. The ease of going abroad was A+. Please travel if you can, but it’s expensive and doesn’t always fit into schedules and can screw up getting a summer job, so don’t let anyone feel bad if you can’t. I’m sure career services is fine, but I’ve only used them to print off my resume, like,

“Live your life, be friendly, because ... you’ll meet all these cool people.” you’ll be a senior and you’ll meet all these cool people and you’ll be super angry that you didn’t know them earlier because you can’t be friends for very long and is it raining in here oh no wait that’s just me, crying. I’m fine. Anyway, friends are great, and college friends are great because they’ve seen you grow from a smol, garbage fire freshman to a toxic nuclear waste senior and still love you anyway. Go to International Night. The food’s amazing and I will take all of those recipes thank you very much Extracurriculars: Conspiracy theory but at least half the clubs here are just ways for friends to get together and get free food, because I never hear about half of them but they still exist somehow? I’ll never forgive the school for not letting me start a taekwondo club because there’s literally nowhere on campus to practice, but I’m doing Brazilian jiu jitsu now, so it’s fine. “The Collegian” is an amazing organization, and even better, it freaking pays. Imagine. Getting paid and it looks on college apps and you get really good at talking and writing and you’ll never realize, especially as a STEM major, how much that matters. STEM majors, please come to meetings. They’re Mondays at 5 p.m. In Oliphant. I assume intramurals are fine, but when I tried, there wasn’t enough people in tennis to do it, so that sucked.

once? The library is too easy to get lost in, but I really wish we could have covers on our books, so I don’t have to google every title to learn about it when I’m just looking for a fun book. Decent movie selection, but I’ve got no freaking clue how or why it’s organized the way it is. Housing: Fisher South is a great place as a smol freshman; I can’t imagine Lottie Jane freshman year. The couches were kinda gross when I was there, and it’s really problematic how it’s not really handicap accessible, but the campus, overall, has some issues with this. Hardesty was way too nice, and honestly super unnecessary (can we talk about how empty every housing unit is on campus, like, that can’t be good for the budget). Now, Norman is quiet except for the screaming children near my place, but there’s free food every Tuesday and honestly what else do you need. Campus housing is really expensive, though, but shout-out to the amazing maintenance team for always being there for me? Like, they are responsive and great A+ 100/10. Whatever’s happening with desk assistants is the Worst, especially with how late it was announced, and I know my roommate would be broke AF if they’d done it before she graduates. So yeah, please fix this next year, upper housing. Think of all the broke students.

Food: Um, the caf is fine? It’s been a hot minute since I’ve been there. The workers there were always great to me, and that matters a lot. And I really only eat at Tossed in ACAC, and they’re amazing, so sure, I’ll say it’s good. And don’t get me started on Tulsa food; I love Tulsa food. So many, but try the Ethiopian place in town, one of the two Peruvians, El Rio Verde if you want cheap but decent and close Mexican, Pancho Anaya for the best, cheapest bakery, but you’ll have no idea what you’re buying. Financial Aid: Thanks for that handy dandy aid, TU. Really the majority of the reason I came here, although the visit did sell me a bit. But if you could make sure everyone else gets the same aid, so they don’t have to work 20+ hours every week, I’d be hella pleased. Like, I am so stressed out for my friends with either a bunch of debt, a bunch of hours to work, or both. I can’t and don’t want to imagine how they feel. TL;DR: Tulsa is a fine school, and I’ve gotten to enjoy four great years and one summer here. I’d definitely change some things about the school and my experience, but hindsight is perfect. Working at “The Collegian” has been a blast, and I’ve met some of my great friends because of this organization. It’s easy to show up and get paid to write something for us, and you should; never know who’ll you’ll meet. Thank you to the great “Collegian” staff who’ve been fun and crazy throughout the years. I’ve had the great privilege of writing stories I thought had a real impact on campus, about the education department, about graduation rates, about how the university should be more open. I’ve been able to talk to some cool people and eat great food and attend a few amazing events. Working here really opened my eyes to the university and made me more curious and open, and being at TU did the same. Thank you to my great professors and mentors and all the random students I’ve liked, loved and disliked along the way. This time came to a close way too quickly, but to those I really loved, I’ll stay in touch. Peace out and much love.

Journalism an opportunity to expand experiences

Alex Garoffolo Student Writer My, what a run. Hard to believe this is my final article for this fine publication. I first started writing for this newspaper my freshman year. I began in satire but did not grace the office of “The Collegian”often. Sophomore year, I took a hiatus; half of junior year, I was in Russia. Yet, in the spring of 2017, a passion for writing and a need for booze money brought me back to the paper. And I’ve been writing ever since. My stories for the paper took me to many events I thought I’d never attend and to interviews I thought I’d never give. I’ve conversed with high-ranking administrators: Janet Levit, VP of Strategic Initiatives and incoming Provost; Roger Blais, outgoing Provost; Gale Sullenberger, outgoing Dean of the Collins College of Business; Gerard Clancy, President of TU; Kevan Buck, Ex-

ecutive VP and Treasurer. I attended events ranging from lectures on the history of Darwinism, to racism in government housing policies, to sexual assault panels, to discussions on the morality of physician-assisted suicide. I even wrote an investigative report on the slow death of a TU program that’s near and dear to my heart: Russian Studies. I’ve written commentary pieces that deal with legalizing marijuana, providing a 24-hour study space in the library (you’re welcome, by the way), teacher pay in Oklahoma, bringing hard liquor to the Hut, and why Tulsa Time is great for this university. I’ve even tried my hand at film reviews. And of course, I’ve interviewed you all, my readers. Head of homecoming? Check. Fulbright recipient? Done. 2017 TU Research Colloquium Winner? You already know it. I’ve absolutely loved every minute of it. What have I learned? That everybody has a story to tell. You can learn something from each and every person on this campus if you only sit down long enough to let him or her talk about it. The art of the conversation is one that should never die. TU offers so many great events, inspiring lectures and incredible programs if you only get out of your domicile and look for them. Writing for this paper 100 percent made me a better citizen, smarter student and more inquisitive mind.

I have a lot of good memories here: Oktoberfests (back in the day when TU provided shuttles), homecoming bonfires and the subsequent piano drops, donor dinners, serving as an SA senator, running an entire fraternity’s finances for a year, sunrises on Harwell, sunsets from the library steps, the blackout game when we beat UConn my sophomore year, spring break trips with TU Treks and speaking with Jared Diamond, just to name a few. I never thought I’d be able to say that before I graduated, I’d have interviewed provosts, the president, a dean, multiple department chairs, or the executive vice president. Don’t be afraid to reach out to the people who run this school. Their job is to provide the most rewarding four years possible for you; writing an email to ask for thirty minutes of their time literally costs you nothing and could lead to one of the most rewarding conversations of your tenure at this university. Now, a call to action. This paper needs writers. Campus journalism dies without students willing to take up the helm each year. You have the chance to write about real issues, spark real change and interview real, fascinating people. Come to our table at the activities fair next August. Our office, Oliphant 110, is always open to aspiring writers. You don’t have to be the

next Christiane Amanpour to do incredible work that can make a lasting impact. You never know when a fellow student might pick up something you wrote and be inspired, be educated or be moved to action. You never know when a conversation will open your mind to new worlds of possibility. You never know when somebody will see a story you wrote and decide to change his or her life. You never know when you’ll write something that shifts somebody’s paradigm. You never know. But if you sit there and do nothing, you’ll know one thing: those stories? Those ideas? They’ll never see the light of day. As the undisputed God of my favorite sport famously said, “You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.” So, fellow students and faculty, thank you for reading the paper. Thank you for supporting open journalism on this campus. Thank you for providing a platform for all of us to stoke our inner Woodward and Bernstein. Thank you for giving me a chance to speak to you all every week. A soon-to-be graduate’s words of advice? It’s better to die with memories than dreams; live your life in college accordingly. It’s been both and honor and a pleasure. Stay hungry. Stay foolish.

A bittersweet, succinct goodbye letter

Trenton Gibbons News Editor Emeritus I’m constantly thinking: it’s weird being at this exact moment of time. I think this about a lot of moments that feel rare, that I’ve anticipated or even dreaded for a long while. I think it on holidays, at funerals, and

I know I’ll feel it at my commencement. Before that however, this, the last day I’ll have working with The Collegian, can be a sort of preview for that feeling. Just like commencement, I’m dealing with the bittersweet emotion of being done with a bit of work, and yet simultaneously having to say goodbye to a really great group of people. I’ve had a lot of fun writing for the Collegian. If journalism or writing reviews or taking pictures or even graphic design are a passion of yours, you should join this student paper; it’s a really great one (in my totally unbiased opinion, of course). If those aren’t your passions, or the Collegian isn’t where you want to take them, consider throwing yourself into some other club on campus, seriously. The Collegian has been one of the

“I’m suggesting committing youself to anything you have a passion for” most rewarding experiences in my college career, but I won’t pretend that kind of experience is at all unique to this club. So I’m suggesting committing yourself to anything that you feel a passion for, whether that’s a sport, a hobby, or a volunteer organization. It worked out pretty damn well for me and I regret not joining sooner. As a parting word I’d like to say something about the incoming staff-members and returning writers of the Collegian. Every year the current staff begins to panic, usu-

ally at the start of the second semester, as we consider the necessity of replacing graduating editors and staff-members. Every year our fears are quelled by the time of graduation, when our office is full of new and enthusiastic staff-members ready to take the helm. I know it sounds corny, but for as long as I’ve been apart of this organization, its operated like an ambitious group of friends, and I’m confident next year will be no different.

16 April 2018

The State-Run Media

The Collegian: 23

Editor-in-Chief Guglielmetti wants pictures of the Spider-man The newly hired leader of The Collegian threatens to fire his writers if images of a certain superhero aren’t on his desk by 5 p.m. Brennen Gray Just got fired Guglielmetti has stressed the necessity for a picture of the Spider-man in this week’s The Collegian paper. His insisting on photographing the superhero has caused waves in The Collegian office. The Gugster gave an official statement. “I want Spider-man! You call yourself a journalist? Why are you interviewing me? Give me Spiderman! If I don’t have that picture by tonight, you’re fired!” He later expound on his threat to terminate me. “After that, I would hire you just to fire you again, so you really know you are garbage as a human being! Why are you still here? Go get Spider-man!” To adapt to the change in management, The Collegian staff began distributing earplugs. They also have discussed just getting a new Editor-in-Chief. The new focus on the web-

slinger has also changed the face of The Collegian newspaper. The paper has replaced variety, commentary and sports sections with more pictures of Spider-man. The staff worries they will start running out of pictures of the superhero. A new hire at The Collegian, Peter Parker, gave his opinion on the issue.

“Ummm. I’m definitely not Spider-man.” Guglielmetti has also expressed interest in hiring more photographers and firing writers to make room. “This is journalism! All of you are fired. Actually, maybe you guys can write about Spider-man. You’re all hired. What are you do-

Dictator Justin Guglielmetti recieving his pictures of Spidey.

ing still in my office! Get out of here or you are fired!” To keep their jobs, The Collegian staff has been asking the new Graphics Editor, Conner “I get paid to Photoshop” Maggio, to edit Spider-man into pictures photographers have already taken for the paper. “I mean,” said Maggio, “having

graphic by Conner Maggio

Spider-man in a picture with President Clancy may have been pushing it. But he looks pretty natural in the crime report section.” Still, the staff’s ways of dealing with The Guginator are running thin. This past weekend, the newly-hired News Editor Ethan Veenker attempted a one-on-one conversation with the man. Veenker only opened the door before the Guglielmetti berated him. “Is that you, Veenker? If you don’t get out of my office by the time I count to three, I’m going to smash you into a pulp with my bare fists and feed you to our printers! Why is your jaw dropping like that? Do I look like a dentist? Out!” Some blame J. Gucci’s mustache, which he grew the minute he got promoted to Editor-in-Chief. It may raise his blood pressure or something. The only attempt someone made to shave it failed. For more details on that, visit The Collegian’s obituary page. As a last resort, The Collegian elected to post an ad for more pictures of Spider-man in the paper. If you need a quick buck, and happen to know where to find him, please send in a picture. We all want to keep our jobs.

State Run’s new social media transparent about sold info The State-Run has vowed to remain clear on who we are selling out to. Conner Maggio Student Righter With the release of The StateRun Media’s new social media platform, The State-Run Social, we plan on being upfront and honest with our incredible violation of your privacy. We see that the problem with other social media is that they are inherently dishonest, and we wish to improve on social media by being better than anyone else. We are definitely tracking ev-

erywhere you go to sell that info to mapquest. With the invention of literally every GPS ever, they have fallen behind in popularity. We try to help the little guy here at The State-Run Media. They will use this data to never leave your side and also log every interaction you have with anyone ever.

become irrelevant in the sandwich game. Their competition is fierce, and they need this info to succeed — also, please forget the fact that they succeeded fine before this. They just need your information for proper customer care. We also sell all your info to Russia so that they can make fake

Your grandma has also paid for your information — she just wants to keep up with how well you are doing. She also wants to see if you did not leave a message on her birthday on purpose, or if you just forgot again this year. Your grandma also wants to tell you that she does not approve of your current

“We also sell all your info to Russia, so that they can make fake clone accounts of you and use them to post Pro-Russian propaganda...” Then, of course, we log all of your favorite sandwiches and send that info to Subway. How else will they know when it is time to get rid of the Cold-Cut Combo? They’ve got to know when things

clone accounts of you and use them to post Pro-Russian propaganda, which is in your best interest, really. I mean, it is supporting an allied nation, and you do love America, don’t you?

lifestyle and wants you to settle down with a nice girl from your hometown that you have spoken to twice. We have to sell your info to the government, that’s a given. We

aren’t allowed to know what they do with it, but they only requested to know what conspiracy theories you follow. All we know is that once a month we have to fax every single person’s information to the FBI, where it is presumably used to find your location and how much you are catching onto the government’s lies. Finally, we sell all of your info to Facebook so that they can have their information verified twice so they really have an accurate description of you to sell to someone else. We only do that to make sure that we get a fat paycheck in the mail. It is not used for anything else — we guarantee it.

16 April 2018

The State-Run Media

Dear readers, Something is amiss. No, I’m not talking about the threat of nuclear war, or that personal privacy is no longer viable, or that Tristan cheated on Khloe. I’m talking about myself and my position. As I’m sure you all know, in my time as Head Propagandist of the glorious StateRun Media, I have become a shining emblem of truth, an inspiration to journalists the world over and the most beloved person on campus. However, there are those who, seeing me, find only jealousy in their hearts. While I was used to this reaction from those over at our non-statesponsored rival The Collegian, I have been hearing murmurings and spectres of murmurings that there are some even within my own beloved State-Run Media that desire to usurp me.

I know neither who is behind this, their machinations nor their motive, be it power, chaos or simple envy. While I can’t imagine any of my obedient underlings feeling anything but love and appreciation toward me, it could be any of them. I do not know who I can trust, besides you, my adoring readership. I’m writing this to warn you, if something happens to me, don’t believe what they tell you. In fact, don’t believe anything that doesn’t directly originate from myself. If you see anything suspicious, contact me directly. Your leader, Adam Lux Head Propagandist

Tech CEOs compete to send Trump to space The American people are ready to relive the ‘60’s arms race, with Bezos and Musk squabbling to launch president into space. Brennen Gray Has 5 dollars on Musk

Facebook has been collecting data on me and apparently I’m dead Facebook clues me into what I already know: I’m dead.

Sara Serrano Hot to the touch, cold on the inside Earlier this month, millions of Facebook users were left shocked and seriously concerned for the state of their privacy when news broke that Facebook had improperly shared their personal data with Cambridge Analytica during the 2016 presidential election. I, however, was not one of these people. I hopped off that site as soon as the moms started posting Minions memes. Despite this, I was still curious to see what Facebook’s algorithms had determined on me based on my data. I’m nerdy like that. In an effort to assuage their angry masses, Facebook recently released personalized information so that each of their users can see if their data was shared. I took full advantage. After a few failed password guesses, I was logged back into my Facebook account for the first time since 2015. Ignoring the disgusting number of unread notifications and the immense urge to update my profile, I accessed my settings to see what the computers at Facebook thought of me. “Gender: Female.” Wow. Great digging there, bots. “Age Range: 15-25.” Sounds good. “Education: Secondary School.” Ha! Joke’s on you, Facebook! I’m actually racking up debt at UNIVERSITY now! “Interests: Knitting, Emo Bands, Cats, Asian Cuisine … ” Uh. It was 2015. Sure. “User Status: Most Likely Deceased.” HOLD UP. Yep, that’s right. According to my data, Facebook thinks I’m dead. “User has not liked, posted, or logged in for (3) years. User has also not received any

messages or been tagged in any pictures. Conclusion: User is mostly like deceased. Without action, this ghost account will be terminated in (1) year.” Of course, Facebook is only stating the obvious here. I’ve been dead inside for as long as I remember. Cut me open and you will find only stagnant black sludge in my veins. Look deep into my eyes and you will find no light behind them. My soul left my body a long time ago, my body too frightened by the eternity and uncertainty of death to join it anytime soon. I blame Trump, among other things. And in its great respect for the dead, Facebook seemed to have no problem using this data to exploit my corpse. My feed was inexplicably littered with ads for lavish coffins, strange funeral service options (e.g., Shot into the sun, incinerated and compressed into a diamond, fed to migrating butterflies) and, strangely, a lot of gothic makeup brands. I wouldn’t have much minded these strange marketing tactics so much if I hadn’t checked my mother’s Facebook next. Our account data seemed to be connected, and instead of offering her sympathy for her daughter’s “death” or just leaving her the hell alone, Facebook seized the opportunity to try to sell her a whole number of insensitive and unnecessary items. Blessed water that her daughter couldn’t get into heaven without, five-dollar prayers, etc. Ridiculous things that would upset her even if I wasn’t dead. (Which I’m not. Physically, anyway.) But still! I’d only been on Facebook an hour and I was already tired of these damn algorithms trying to get in my head, sell me things and prey on my grieving relatives with emotional manipulation. So do yourself a favor. Dead inside or not, delete Facebook before they target you next.

graphic by Conner Maggio

See you space cowboy...

A space-exploration tycoon who sent an electric car into space for fun and a CEO whose latest venture is household AI both have a reason to send President Donald Trump into space because of a recent Twitter altercation between the latter two. Trump accused Amazon of ripping off the U.S. Postal service and of tax-dodging. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos responded by saying he has a spot for Trump on his rocket aimed at space. This means SpaceX CEO Elon Musk’s long-term goal of sending Donald Trump into outer space may hit its first obstacle: Jeff Bezos and his Blue Origin space company. In what has been dubbed “our generation’s space race,” the two tech giants are now competing for the opportunity to launch our president into space. Since we apparently did not spend enough money on this in the sixties, it looks like history is repeating itself. The world can look forward to clickbait articles 50 years from now titled “The Trump launch was faked!” On a positive note, the American public has responded with excitement. #Trumplaunch was trending on Facebook before it mysteriously disappeared from the website. Mark Zuckerberg declined for a comment, changing his status to “getting grilled by congress.” U.S. citizens have also responded with enthusiasm through their anticipation of the comeback of the space-obsessed culture of the 1960s and ‘70s. TV shows such as “Trump Trek” will remake the classic sci-fi show in the modern image. Buzz Trumpyear toys will soon be available to kids of all ages.

Beyond what the new space race means for the rabble of millions of Americans, we asked what the challenge means to the two men as individuals. “Alexa? Answer this man’s question for me,” commented Bezos. His AI unit spoke next. “I’m sorry, I cannot find that song for you. Can I perhaps buy something for you online?” Musk gave a more straightforward answer. “I have worked my whole life for this. PayPal, Tesla, SpaceX, and the U.S.A. were all startups I created just for this moment.” Musk was not completely confident however. “The problem is, Trump and Bezos were not supposed to get into a fight until after Cleveland won the NBA title, but still before Amazon acquires Facebook in late 2018. Now the whole plan could be thrown off, all because Bezos is a little trigger happy.” Bezos later commented on Musk’s allegations. “Who is that guy calling ‘trigger happy’? The man started a space-exploration company in a year when flip phones were high-tech, and then founded a company that makes electric cars less than a year later.” The country has divided itself into camps to provide support to the rival CEOs. Many side with Elon Musk since he has a cool name. Others side with Jeff Bezos because Amazon offered a $25 gift card to anyone who would cheer on its fearless leader. Meanwhile, President Trump is indignant. “All those tax dollars Amazon avoids paying will fund their rocket to send me into space. And that upstart Elon Musk isn’t even American. Apologize!” Trump does have a plan to stay on Earth, however. “I expect the American people to rally to my defense against the tyranny of these two traitors with all the guns I let them have!” There is no way to tell who will triumph in this battle. However, once Trump is safely orbiting Mars, does anyone really lose?

“All those tax dollars Amazon avoids paying will fund their rocket to send me into space.”

The Grim Reaper, also known as Facebook, haunting Sara Serrano.

graphic by Conner Maggio

16 April 2018  
16 April 2018