Collegian: April Fools 2012 Issue, Volume 100000000000000000000000000000000

a student napkin of the university of tulsa

april 3, 2012 issue 22 ~ volume 97

ExxonMobil purchases TU

Logan Miller / Collegian

SA declares war on “tyrannical” ORU Calling ORU’s student government “an axis of evangelism,” SA President Grant McCarty called for “shock and awe” campaign against the rogue university.

John Lepine Staff Writer

After an unprecedented buyout of the university, Exxon has promised that all changes will be “unobtrusive.”

J. Christopher Proctor Sports Editor

After weeks of negotiations, ExxonMobil has agreed to purchase the University of Tulsa for a sum of $10 billion. The acquisition, the first of its kind, has taken many in the TU family by surprise.

“I’d always known that we were an oil school,” said TU alumnus Brian McCarthy. “I guess this was just the next logical step.”

At his first press conference as owner of TU, Tex Drillerson, the president of ExxonMobil, said he

Logan Miller / Collegian

was excited about the takeover, and he “was looking forward to leading the university to a future of environmentally friendly sustained growth and expansion.”

“We will enact our plan of growth for the campus in an environmentally friendly way, using all sources of energy: oil, gas and environmentally friendly clean coal,” Drillerson said.

When asked what prompted the purchase of TU—an unprecedented move for a corporation—Drillerson responded that “honestly, the entire plan came out of an endof-the-year committee meeting” in which Drillerson and his colleagues “were forced to find something to spend our massive yearly

See Exxon on page 2

condition of anonymity indicated that mobilizations for “Operation Enduring Just Freedom Storm” have already begun under the direction of SA Lieutenant General Elizabeth “Betty” Baldwin and Serjeant-at-Arms Emily “Stern” Stern.

Since the elevation of the Prayer Alert Level to Orange last fall, SA ground infantry have been training for close-quarters combat in gaudy futuristic architecture situations, while TU SA weapons analysts have been working to undermine

the Blessings Defense Network shielding the ORU campus.

Senator J. Christopher “2%” Proctor, one of three dissenting votes, condemned the operation as “foolhardy preemptive adventurism” that is “completely opposed” to the SA Constitution.

“The founding fathers of SA must be rolling over in their graves right now,” Proctor said.

The Arts and Sciences senator, a card-carrying Libertarian, said

Citing the breakdown in diplomatic negotiations and a stubborn refusal by Oral Roberts University to submit to intercollegiate prayer See War on page 2 inspections, Student Association Senate voted last Tuesday to authorize President McCarty to use all “necessary and prudent” military force against ORU’s “radical fundamentalist” Student Association as part of the ongoing “War on Prayerism.”

Senate passed Spring Resolution 10 by a vote of 16–3, enumerating numerous ORU violations of intercollegiate law and threats to TU campus security. Chief among these abuses was the ORU Student Association’s refusal to allow third-party inspectors to examine the Prayer Tower for curses of mass destruction (CMDs), as well as “aiding and harboring international prayerist organizations,” Logan Miller / Collegian including infamous radical Rick A statue of two hands crushing a fighter jet stands on ORU’s campus. The statue is Bin-Santorum.

A source operating under the a symbol of defiance erected after TU mounted an air campaign against ORU under President Danny Patten.

FINDING CAPTAIN ‘CANE! Become a Part of the Tulsa Golden Hurricane Tradition

BE CAPTAIN ‘CANE ➤ Represent TU at Home Athletic Events ➤ Receive $4,000 Scholarship Money ➤ Travel Opportunities ➤ Receive Athletic Apparel and Footwear

For information on how to become Captain ‘Cane, contact the Spirit office at amanda-robison@utulsa.edu or call 918.631.3450

NEWS

3 APRIL 2012

Vast city called “Tulsa” discovered surrounding TU After years of speculation, a TU student’s harrowing journey provides the first hard evidence for the socalled “Tulsa” area.

Kalen Petersen News Editor

Freshman James Kazynski made a shocking discovery last week after accidentally wandering off the University of Tulsa’s campus.

Kazynski claims to have found a sprawling urban area, known to its inhabitants as “Tulsa,” just outside TU’s 0.3-acre grounds.

“I was stunned,” Kazynski said.

“All of a sudden, the perfectly manicured lawns and identical

the reach of human help, with no Campo there to protect me,” Kazynski said.

He spent the night wandering what he called “endless, terribly paved streets,” fighting the urge to break down and weep. “All the roads were under construction, and I saw some guy under a bridge selling something in a plastic bag—I don’t think it was flour,” Kazynski said. “The whole experience was like something out of a nightmare.”

Kazynski tried to purchase some food from the native Tulsans, only to find that they did not understand the concept of dining dollars as currency. “I realized that they still use real money to trade for stuff,”

drinking rainwater. “I longed for the familiar stench of the John, the welcoming homeliness of Kep,” he said. “I even missed Caf food.”

A week had passed, and Kazynski’s strength was spent. He laid down in a culvert and prepared to die. Suddenly, he heard a loud, familiar sound on the air. “It was the song ‘Rock You Like a Hurricane’ as if from enormous speakers. I thought I was hallucinating,” he said.

With sudden joy, Kazynski realized that he was hearing TU’s football stadium. “I still don’t understand why they turn the whole stadium up full blast on weeknights, but I’ll never complain about it again,” he said.

“Since Kazynski’s miraculous escape, the campus has been abuzz with speculation about what may lie beyond the edges of the university” trees just stopped. It was like I’d reached the edge of the world.”

Experts have long speculated that an unknown culture may exist beyond the outer limits of campus: 11th Street, 4th Place, Harvard and Delaware. However, no concrete evidence for an extra-TU civilization had been found until Kazynski’s discovery.

“This came like a thunderbolt,” said anthropology professor Henry Sterling. “There have long been rumors of an unknown, primitive civilization living in a mysterious expanse of city called ‘Tulsa,’ but I was skeptical of its existence until now.”

Kazynski stumbled into Tulsa after a late-night visit to Quick Trip, a trading post on TU’s southern frontier. After purchasing his usual quota of Red Bull and doughnuts, Kazynski turned towards what he thought was the safety of campus.

However, suffering from the effects of a late-night study session, he made a wrong turn and found himself on an unfamiliar street. “At that moment, panic set in. I knew that I was lost, beyond

From Exxon on cover

profits on.”

According to Drillerson, purchasing a university was second on Exxon’s 2012 wish list, after provoking a war in Canada to gain control of the Athabasca Tar Sands. When that plan fell through, everything was in place to buy out TU. “Initially, we expected we would have to make changes left and right to turn Tulsa into the university we wanted it to be,” Drillerson said. “But much to our surprise, we realized that with just a few small alterations, the school completely conformed to what we were looking for. For example, we didn’t have to rename most of the buildings.”

However, students will likely notice a few differences in their post-takeover college experience.

The first major change was the immediate dismissal of Tulsa President Steadman Upham. The position of president will not be filled, as all university decisions will be

Kazynski said, “I thought, ‘Are these people stuck in the 1990’s?’”

In desperation, Kazynski asked a group of Tulsans at a bar for directions back to TU. “I gestured and kept asking, ‘Where Chapman, where Chapman?’” meaning Chapman Hall, he said. However, the confused natives began arguing amongst themselves, each pointing in a different direction.

“It was then that I realized that “Chapman” was a common name for things in Tulsa,” Kazynski said. “Go figure.”

TU history professor Michael Wilton noted that the Tulsan civilization may have named public places in imitation of buildings on TU’s campus.

“For example, the native word ‘Tulsa’ is likely derived from ‘The University of Tulsa,’ an institution which probably holds semi-divine significance to them,” Wilton explained. “This deification may explain why they have never attempted to make contact with us,” he added.

After days of roaming the streets, Kazynski found himself desperate, delirious and dehydrated, eating from dumpsters and

Following the sound, he stumbled back to campus, where he was found, emaciated and sick, but alive.

Though information about Tulsa is scarce, since Kazynski’s miraculous escape the campus has been abuzz with speculation about what may lie beyond the edges of the university.

Robert Mansfield, an expert on the vast, uncharted spaces surrounding TU, says that the discovery of Tulsa provides new evidence for the existence of a hypothetical broader region known as “Oklahoma.”

Mansfield said that the possibility, however likely, is troubling.

“It would suggest that TU is part of some sort of broader community, forcing people to rethink their views of the outside world,” he said. “It’s an uncomfortable idea, especially as we have only known of Tulsa and its people a few short days.”

Already, the possible existence of “Oklahoma” has generated controversy among TU students, many of whom have long believed TU to be located on the East Coast.

made by the newly created “committee for responsible growth.”

In an effort to encourage innovative and productive thinking, the committee has also erected a fully operational oil derrick in front of McFarlin Library.

In order to complete all University requirements for graduation, each student must work three hours a semester on the rig. Committee chairman and ExxonMobil executive Don Crude said he hopes the new requirement would help “teach students some character” and engender “a lifelong love for oil” amongst the student body.

The committee has also announced the renaming of the Henry Kendall College of Arts and Sciences to the “College of Also Sciences.”

With the new name will come the removal of some programs deemed “unproductive” by the administration. An official statement from the Committee stated that Exxon hopes to provide students with “more useful skills than what

they can find by reading books.”

Some students were also dismayed to learn that Chapman Hall will be demolished and replaced with an Exxon corporate office.

“Whatever. I don’t see it as a big deal,” said a TU engineering professor who agreed to stay on under the new administration. “Those Arts and Sciences hippies always wanted to have class on the grass; now they’ve got their wish.”

Students may also notice that their beloved Captain ‘Cane will no longer grace the sidelines of Tulsa athletic events, as all official Tulsa team names have been changed to the “Golden Frackers.”

Drillerson said that “the new mascot will help familiarize students and fans with an environmentally friendly way to help power our future growth.”

Drillerson also added that he was excited to own a college football team and that after T. Boone Pickens’s acquisition of the OSU Cowboys he had wanted one of his own.

Upon arrival, officers found that the students had vacated the area.

Several red Solo cups were found and taken as evidence.

The investigation is ongoing.

March 26

12:01 a.m.

Officers discovered and broke up a large-scale kitten-smuggling ring in the Mayo and Lorton Village apartments.

14 students were arrested on suspicion of harboring illegal felines. An undisclosed number of cats were confiscated, and will be deported back to the wild.

The investigation is ongoing.

March 27

10:33 p.m.

Officers responded to a report of three apparently intoxicated students raucously singing Garth Brooks’ “Friends in Low Places,” in the vicinity of McFarlin library.

March 28 9:49 a.m.

Officers responded to a report of graffiti inside McFarlin Library.

Upon arrival, officers spotted the words “The Chamber of Secrets has been opened” in what appeared to be red paint in the hallway opposite the staff study lounge.

Upon further investigation, officers found a secret passageway leading from a bathroom to a damp subterranean dungeon.

Officers made contact with a large snake, and immediately shot the creature dead.

Officers used the Obliviate charm to erase the memories of Muggle witnesses.

THE COLLEGIAN : 2 From War on cover their imprecatory maledictions to

that the war would be “nothing but an imperialist distraction from our rampant Dining Dollar inflation, the real threat to our survival as a Student Association.”

Proctor’s opinion, however, is a minority one. Former president Danny Patten, whose bombing campaign against ORU failed to topple its Student Association in 2009, called the conflict a “textbook just war,” saying, “The ORU SA has been at the top of every Student Rights Violations list for a decade. It’s a known fact that they harbor international prayerists, and there is good reason to connect

last year’s Snowmaggedon and the July Heat Wave Attack.”

In support of Spring Resolution 10, the University of Arkansas Associated Student Government and the Oklahoma State Student Government Association pledged their involvement in an intercollegiate coalition to overthrow Oral Roberts’s Student Association.

SGA President Ashley Leonard said OSU expected a “brief conflict” with “no need for a protracted occupation” to the end of producing a more stable, democratic Middle West.

The Ticker Tape Times SA to reorganize as “Sigma Alpha” fraternity

April Fool’s day passes with no significant jokes Ferris Wheel-shaped UFO seen on Chapman Commons Sting operation reveals TU chemistry department to be enormous meth lab

SA Supreme Court declares “McCartyCare” unconstitutional IT blames North Korean cyberattack for TUSecure blackouts Dining Dollar hyperinflation hits campus; Hut prices soar Collegian readership exceeds staff

Shark bites student

Though details are fishy, jaws are wagging about the cold-blooded attack on an unsuspecting TU sophomore.

Patrick Creedon Student Writer

On March 20 the student body was shocked when the Physical Plant staff found sophomore Jason Fisher, right arm missing, lying beside the Mayo Village pool, the corpse of a great white shark at his feet. Campus security found the speech language pathology major at 11:39 p.m. after Mayo residents complained of hearing a “dark, creepy orchestral score” emanating from the water.

Robert Shipley, the associate vice president of operations for

the Physical Plant, was baffled, saying that officials “have no idea how a damned great white got in the pool.”

“Its water supply isn’t even connected to the Arkansas River,” he said. What perplexes Steve Grylls, the officer who discovered the victim in the pool area, was that the pool was still closed at the time of the attack. “There isn’t even any water in there yet,” he said.

Irwin later left the scene claiming to need a stiff drink, saying that he had now seen everything.

How the shark got in the pool or onto the surrounding patio is unknown, as investigators could not find any openings that could allow the aquatic predator access to the

upcoming events at

4:20 p.m.

While on routine parking enforcement, an officer observed a vehicle parked in violation of the University Parking Regulations.

The vehicle was confirmed on the Parking Tow-Off list as a habitual parking offender. Observing that it was a fine afternoon, with the sun shining and the birds singing, officers decided to cut the guy some slack and left the vehicle alone.

11:49 p.m.

Officers had a good laugh when a fire alarm went off in John Mabee Hall. TFD was canceled.

March 29 5:15 p.m.

Officers responded to a report of the gruesome murder of a Mr. Boddy on TU campus.

See Crime on page 3

Sharp Chapel Monday: Fair Trade Coffee: Learn more about the fair trade mission and grab some free coffee and tasty chocolate in the Atrium from 8:30 a.m. to 11 a.m.

Lunch with Calvin: Reading and discussion over John Calvin with lunch at 12 p.m. in the upstairs conference room.

Wednesday: WOW (Worship on Wednesday): Uplifting praise music and a chapel service in the main sanctuary at 12 p.m. followed by lunch.

Thursday: Apologetics for Lunch: Reading and discussion over John Scott’s writings with lunch at 12 p.m. in the Atrium.

Gateway Late-Night Worship: Fellowship, a message and great student-led worship at 9 p.m. in the Atrium.

Friday: PLS Lunch: Come learn more about PLS (Presbyterian Leaders and Scholars) and hear a message from a different fellow student each week at 12 p.m. in the Atrium.

See Shark on page 3

NEWS

THE COLLEGIAN : 3

Eye on the world:

Jinan ElSabbagh Student Writer

Africa SENEGAL Senegal’s latest runoff presidential election passed without violence.

World leaders were pleased to learn that former president Abdoulaye Wade called to congratulate his victorious opponent, Macky Sall. Sall defeated the in-

cumbent Wade, who had led Senegal for 12 years.

This peaceful election is welcome news for a country which has suffered from violent military coups in the past.

United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon called both candidates to congratulate them “for the exemplary manner in which both rounds of the presidential elections were conducted throughout the country.”

Asia CHINA The Dalai Lama was awarded the 2012 Templeton Prize. The prize was given to the Dalai Lama for his work affirming the spiritual dimension of life.

The Dalai Lama is the founder of the Mind and Life Institute for research on science and Buddhism as well as the inspiration for the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education, which aims to unite religious scholars and scientists from around the world.

The award is priced at $1.7 million and will be presented to the 76-year-old Nobel Peace Prize winner and Tibetan freedom advocate in London.

Europe SCOTLAND Nineteen-year-old Ryan Kitchin won more than £50,000 (about

Housing offers amnesty to undocumented cats After years of playing catand-mouse with TU’s feline immigrants, the university adds an amnesty claws to its immigration paw-licy.

Emily Callen Staff Writer

After years of living in the shadows, haunted by the ever-present threat of deportation, cats at the University of Tulsa are finally free to frolic without fear.

In an abrupt policy change, TU Housing has declared amnesty on the furry friends and loyal study buddies so loved by the student body.

to outstrip the costs of replacing carpet, and that the university could remain revenue neutral by treating students in apartments like regular humans in normal apartments, charging them a pet deposit up front to defray additional maintenance costs,” she said.

Junior Melanie Velasquez cried when she heard the news. “Mr. Fluffy is like family,” she said.

“The constant stress has been almost unbearable. I’m so happy the University is finally recognizing that love is more important than a rule book.”

Many details of the new policy have not yet been announced, and some members of the campus

ties there are bound to be kittens.

Are kittens born on campus automatically covered by this policy?

Will we see a surge in pregnant cats making the dangerous dash across Harvard to give birth to socalled ‘anchor kittens?’”

In order to prevent further immigration, some have proposed installing electric fencing at key kitty access points along the campus border. “I think it could be done tastefully, and in a way that doesn’t detract from the architectural harmony of the campus,” one campus security source said, “you never know what kinds of diseases feral city cats might bring in, and everyone knows they don’t share

“Will we see a surge in pregnant cats making the dangerous dash across Harvard to give birth to so-called ‘anchor kittens?’”

“Many in the administration still feel that amnesty will only make the problem worse by making the campus seem soft on kitty crime,” said one housing department source who declined to be named, “but the fact is that cats are major contributors to the campus comfort trade. No one else is willing to lie on our students’ laps and purr for hours on end with minimal compensation. Without the amnesty program, academic achievement would suffer.”

Another source cited the escalating costs of enforcement that precipitated the policy change.

“Some in the housing department suggested installing scanners in the business office that would require students to be screened for cat dander before requesting transcripts. We finally realized that the costs of enforcement were on track

community remain skeptical.

“These cats are freeloaders,” sophomore Kalen Petersen said.

“They are displacing upstanding humans in the eyes of affectionseeking men and women on campus. Those humans have worked hard and are here legally. It isn’t right.”

The policy only applies to cats already on campus. The fate of future generations of felines seeking solace in a comfortable student apartment is not yet clear.

Also unclear is whether amnesty will extend to kittens born to campus cats. “These are issues that need to be ruled on soon by the administration,” says law professor Eric DeLaney. “While of course the responsible pet owner will ensure that his or her cat has been spayed or neutered, wherever there are boy kitties and lady kit-

TU cat values.”

Others note that a fence may not prevent an explosion in the kitty population: “We have an enterprising student body,” said professor of economics Aaron Grierson, “if amnesty is granted to kittens with at least one legal parent, we may see the development of extensive breeding operations on campus.

That’s capitalism.”

Grierson views the policy toward campus cats as a feline rights issue. “In a sense, the cats living in the shadows are the lucky ones,” she said. “Do you know what happens to cats who are caught by housing? They are shipped far away from their loved ones, or worse, abandoned to wander the streets of Tulsa alone, and with limited prospects of ever finding a home again. It’s cruel. It’s not what we stand for as a University.”

Presidential Scholars to be selected in grueling deathmatch Celebrated new contest promises to keep applicants in line and improve TU’s ranking.

Kalen Petersen News Editor

Citing a need to “weed out the weak” from the University of Tulsa’s pool of academically gifted applicants, the university announced that Presidential Scholars will henceforth be selected in a televised gladiator arena-style battle to the death.

The new program, to be known as “The Scholar Games,” will begin with the random selection of two National Merit Scholars from every state, one male and one female. These “tributes” will be taught basic college survival skills before being thrown into a huge arena and forced to battle for survival in a physically and academi-

cally rigorous setting.

“These remarkable young men and women will have to endure starvation, cold and brutally hard exams,” said Jenny Lin, the Head Game-maker of Presidential Scholar Recruitment. “This will ensure that only the toughest and brightest survive and receive our generous financial aid.”

The Games will allow sponsors to send gifts to students, including survival essentials such as textbooks, Ramen noodles and matches. Such gifts come at a high price, though, and only tributes from wealthy states will likely be able to afford such luxuries.

“This will be a great way of bringing revenue to our school, in addition to generating some highquality TV entertainment” said Roger Sorochty, Game-maker for Enrollment and Student Services.

Of the 100 tributes who will enter the arena, only 40 will leave, but those who do will receive all

the gifts and privileges that a student could hope for. “To illustrate the University’s generosity and compassion, we will provide the survivors with over $150,000 in tuition, room and board,” said Lin, “not to mention fancy dinners at the Gilcrease, free meals at the Hurricane Hut, and of course, endless bragging rights.”

Sorochty said that the Games will be broadcast live on TU’s Res-Life TV so that current TU students can root for their favorite contestants. “Viewers will enjoy the visceral thrill of watching the best and brightest of our nation’s young people ruthlessly kill each other,” he said. “Not only will ratings go through the roof, but so will our average GPA.” The first annual Scholar Games will be broadcast live from the university this summer.

“Happy Scholar Games,” said Lin, “And may the PSAT scores be ever in your favor.”

3 APRIL 2012 $79,000) in the lottery after he finally cleaned his room at his mother’s behest.

His mother had been asking him to clean his room for the past month and when he finally did, he came across some lottery tickets.

Before throwing them away he called Camelot, the lottery operator, and found out that one of the tickets was a lottery winner.

He will use the money to pay off a car loan and to take his mother on vacation.

Middle East ISRAEL, IRAN An Israeli couple inadvertently initiated an online anti-war campaign on Facebook.

The couple, Ronny Edry and Michal Tamir, are graphic designers who posted a graphic with the words “Iranians, we will never bomb your country. We (heart) you.”

Within hours, Israeli users began adopting the graphic on their

profiles. Within days, Iranian users also did the same thing.

The group called Israel Loves Iran now has more than 50,000 likes and is growing.

So, at least online, Israelis and Iranians alike vie for peace.

South America BRAZIL Former Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva has been cleared after battling throat cancer for the past five months.

The 66-year-old president stepped down with record approval ratings in 2010 after two terms in office. The constitution prohibits a third presidential term, but da Silva is looking forward to returning to the political arena.

In a video message the recovering ex-president stated, “I will return to political life because I believe Brazil needs to continue to grow, develop, generate jobs, improve the lives of millions and millions of Brazilians.”

From Shark on page 2 planned, Fisher says he feels that

small facility. However, investigators left soon after arriving on the scene, saying that “all the blood by the pool and the rotting fish smell was really grossing (them) out.”

Fisher appeared to have killed the great white by swinging at it with the fire extinguisher located on the SAC walls beside the swimming pool. When asked why he used a fire extinguisher, Fisher said he saw it in a movie once.

Although Fisher will no longer be able to be an American Sign Language interpreter as he once

From Crime on page 2

Upon rolling a five, officers entered McFarlin Library, where they found Miss Scarlet. Scarlet told officers that she had seen Col. Mustard in the Caf with a knife.

Officers took the secret passage to the Lorton Performance Center.

Upon arrival, they encountered Mrs. Peacock.

Officers interrogated Peacock, then made their accusation: Professor Plum, in the Physical Plant, with a wrench.

Case closed. Officers put the board away and resumed their routine patrols. __:__ _.m.

Officers responded to a report of _____. Upon arrival, officers made contact with _____. The reporting party stated that _____.

The investigation is ongoing.

March 30 1:06 p.m.

Officers reported to Keplinger Hall upon report of a highly dangerous bomb calorimeter in the building.

The device, which is capable of

has a new mission in life. “The world needs to know how dangerous sharks are,” he said. Citing “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin as his main influence, Fisher said that he plans to visit Australia through Center for Global Education in order to make a documentary on dangerous animals.

Though authorities are still stumped by the unexpected shark attack, the investigation has taken a back seat to the appearance of multiple salt water crocodiles in the Mabee Gym.

completely destroying various materials using intense heat, was set to activate in a matter of minutes.

Upon arrival, officers heroically defused the device. Officers initiated a search for the crazed chemists responsible for bringing the bomb calorimeter into a building with hundreds of students.

The investigation is ongoing.

8:39 p.m.

Officers were dispatched to a report of a medical emergency in Fisher West.

Upon arrival, the officers found a student who had a fever. The student refused medical attention, stating that the only prescription was more cowbell.

April 1 3:03 p.m.

While on routine patrol in Oliphant Hall, and officer observed a large-scale forgery operation.

Students in Room 110 appeared to be producing a counterfeit Campus Crime Watch.

The students were arrested, waterboarded, tarred and feathered and ridden out of town on a rail.

The investigation is ongoing.

Oklahoma state bill grants personhood to sexual climax An Oklahoma lawmaker says that he wants to protect the human rights of orgasms.

Anna Bennett Photo/Graphics Editor

In the wake of more and more states passing Pro-Life “Personhood” laws, the Oklahoma Legislature has decided to take it one step further. A new bill introduced last week would declare that human life begins not at conception, but with an orgasm.

“It is a true tragedy that so many orgasms never get carried to full term,” says the bill’s sponsor, Republican Dick Smalls from District 2. “We want to show that Oklahoma is committed to protecting all human life—starting with orgasms.”

The measure would make it illegal to have or distribute orgasms that do not result in the birth of a child, targeting irresponsible couples who have until now neglected their civil duty of producing little patriots without punishment.

Individual offenders—both intentional and non-intentional— would be charged with a misde-

meanor offense.

The majority of the Senate is predicted to vote “Yes” on the measure. According to Senator Paulette Owte of Pawhuska, “In Virginia, they now require vaginal ultrasounds followed by pathosladen descriptions of the fetus before a woman has an abortion, and in Kansas, doctors are now allowed to lie about an unborn child’s condition to encourage women to carry their bundles of joy—or birth defects—to term. This is a wake up call: Hello, Oklahoma! We’re falling behind!”

Owte continues to detail her running platform for the fall election, which is focused on betraying her female constituency. She plans to fund her campaign by selling her infamous t-shirts reading “Wet Dreams are People Too!” There is some opposition to the bill, especially among younger citizens. Many believe that it ought be the right of the individual to decide whether or not to terminate an orgasm. Others believe that orgasms caused by accidents ought to be exempt from the measure.

Sports

3 APRIL 2012

THE COLLEGIAN : 4

Stead to New York Knickerbockers

Retiring TU President Steadman Upham signs with New York Knicks in effort to save the struggling franchise.

Kyle Bowers Student Writer

After an embarrassing 96–79 loss to the lowly Toronto Raptors, the New York Knicks have once again started looking like the febel team we have come to know and love.

With the signing of the 6’5” small forward Steadman Upham, they once again believe they have found what will lead them to win one playoff game before getting eliminated.

Upham had announced his intentions to retire as president of the University of Tulsa, but only now have the true motives of his retirement been revealed.

As it turns out, Upham has spent the last year hammering out a deal with the Knicks: a blockbuster trade involving seven other teams in some overly complicated way, and not actually benefitting any of them.

However, the Knicks believe that with

Photo courtesy CGU.edu

Like a fine wine, Stead’s NBA skills have matured with time. With a little luck, he may just have what it takes to turn around the struggling Knicks.

the addition of Upham, who has actually been an unrestricted free agent since 1980, they have the final piece to the puzzle.

Said head coach Mike Woodson, “I can’t

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Last week in a terrible confusion, 300 fans, excited to watch a Tulsa Oilers hockey game, mistakenly showed up to see the Tulsa Eulers. Although initially disappointed, these fans were thrilled to see the Eulers prove that e^(iπ) was actually equal to negative one.

One such fan was quoted as saying, “I never knew there was such a deep relationship between the trigonometric functions and the complex exponential function. Plus hockey kinda sucks anyway.”

Photo courtesy Wikipedia

Who needs hockey when you have a good-looking stud like this?

In the most recent economics shootout, Leontief and Keynes each scored a pair of dox! Though we are never quite sure of the rules in an economic shootout, we do know that the marginal propensity to entertain is very, very small.

Student Writer

OCU pledges to recruit, select and promote diversity by providing equality of opportunity for all persons. • ED13712

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Student Writer

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Legendary NBA coach Phil Jackson has decided to take his talents to Tulsa in an effort to restore the Golden Hurricane to its former glory.

Oklahoma City University’s Montessori Teacher Education Program is accredited by the Montessori Accreditation Council for Teacher Education.

ED14912-Tulsa.indd 1

believe teams have been passing on this guy for over 30 years, I think we found ourselves a real diamond in the rough.”

He went on to say, “Upham could have easily been a key piece to Michael Jordan’s Bulls or Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O’Neal’s Lakers. We believe his age not to be a deterrent, but a helpful factor as he brings a wealth of knowledge to the court.”

According to a source from a Knicks team practice on Saturday, Upham is already making an impression on his teammates.

Coming off a Jeremy Lin pick and roll, Upham effortlessly dunked over All-Star Carmelo Anthony. Astonished, Anthony said afterward, “Man, the professor has got some serious ups.”

Also impressive has been Upham’s tough defensive presence, which has lead the Knicks to plan to have Upham guarding players such as Kevin Durant and Derrick Rose in upcoming matchups.

In this whirlwind of events, Upham has remained humble, telling reporters after his first practice with the team, “All of this has been so unexpected, I’m just happy to finally be on an NBA team. All of those years secretly practicing with the Tulsa basketball team, all those lonely nights spent shooting jumpshots until the wee hours of the morning have finally paid off.”

The Knicks will be starting Upham against the Bucks on Monday night. Said Upham, “I can only hope to dig deep and find the energy to really compete.”

Only time will tell if Upham can carry the Knicks to win one crucial game in the first round of the playoffs, and whether or not TU students will get discounts on official NBA Upham jerseys.

3/1/12 2:16 PM

Hospital A LynnCo Supply Chain Solutions B Magellan Midstream Partners, L.P. B,E Matrix Service Company E Melton Truck Lines A,B Mid Kansas Cooperative Association A,B NORDAM B,E Oklahoma Department of Rehabilitation Services A,B Oklahoma Tax Commission B Orion Food Systems, LLC A,B ORS Nasco B,E Osage Nation A,B Saltus Technologies, LLC B,E Schneider Logistics B Sherwin-Williams PSG A,B Spirit AeroSystems E T.D. Williamson, Inc. E Tiger Natural Gas, Inc. B,E Tulsa County Sheriff's Office A,B Tulsa Police Department A,B TYPros A,B US Department of State A,B Webco Industries, Inc. B,E YMCA of Greater Tulsa A,B

Despite having more rings than fingers, Phil Jackson decided Friday night that he will come out of retirement and take on a new and possibly more daunting challenge as the coach of University of Tulsa men’s basketball program.

The TU faithful grew irritated as Athletic Director Ross Parmley took weeks to find a new coach, running the risk of losing players off the current team along with the incoming recruits.

But fans are irritated no longer. Thousands gathered in the streets to welcome the Zen Master himself to the city of Tulsa.

“I’m intensely excited to begin this new chapter of my life. I guarantee that TU will win the NCAA championship next year,” Jackson said.

Jackson will presumably incorporate the triangle offense he used in the NBA to combat the offensive woes TU suffered in the Wojcik regime.

Season ticket sales have skyrocketed and there is concern that the Reynolds Center will no longer be big enough to support the Tulsa fan base.

Despite never having coached at the collegiate level, coach Jackson thought this job was too good to pass up, and his resumé speaks for itself. He won six championships with the Chicago Bulls and Michael

See Jackson page 5

Photo courtesy Wikipedia

Although not nearly as good looking as Euler, Keynes’ propensity to party was legendary.

Psychologist Emma Krause was recently cut from the U.S. gymnastics team for an unfortunate Freudian slip on the balance beam. Better get that ego in check for the next qualifier Emma!

Photo courtesy Amberxmk

I’d expect better from a gymnast who is usually super­—ego must have gotten in the way.

Commenting on his underachieving player dx, football coach, Will Harris said, “Sometimes it’s like he isn’t even out there. He just disappears out there on the field because his width is zero. We’re trying to work on that.

Despite some issues with his size, we really do think dx is an integral piece to this team.”

To the dismay of her coach and team, AllAmerican track athlete Electra Simmons decided to skip her last race of the year to take a vacation to Padre Island. When asked why she would take a vacation at such an inopportune time, Electra said, “Hey, you’re only Jung once, and I love my Padre … Island.”

(Arts and SciencesA, BusinessB, EngineeringE)

*** For a full listing of participating companies and job descriptions please visit www.hireTUgrads.com! *** Event Info: careerhelp@utulsa.edu/918-631-2549

Photo courtesy Io9.com

Electra’s brother Oedipus Simmons was going to join her on the trip but cancelled last minute to stay home with mother instead.

Sports

THE COLLEGIAN : 5

3 APRIL 2012

Todd Graham announced as head coach at Union, Jenks Former Hurricane head coach Todd Graham to return to Tulsa to coach both Union and Jenks.

John Lepine Staff Writer

In a surprise move, former Tulsa coach Todd Graham was announced as head coach for the Union High Redskins last Friday, just three months after accepting that same position at Arizona State University.

Minutes later, Graham took the stage at Jenks High School to officially accept the head coach job at the rival program.

“Taking the reigns here at Union High School really is a dream come true for me and my family,” Graham said in a prepared state-

ment. “We have always wanted to live in Tulsa and be close to family.”

“I’m delighted to become a part of the proud tradition here at Jenks,” Graham added later. “This job is a real honor and I’m excited and committed to the values of Trojan football.”

Graham’s previous head coaching experience includes two high school stints, a year at Rice, four years at TU, another six days at Rice, one year at Pittsburgh, seventeen minutes with the Miami Heat and three months at Arizona State.

Some critics have accused Graham of job-hopping, a point Graham addressed in his introductory remarks at Union, saying, “Was it an easy choice to leave the Arizona State program? No, absolutely not.

But I have to do what’s right for my family, and this is just where we needed to be right now.”

Graham repeated the point verbatim in his announcement at Jenks.

After praising the “storied history” of Union football and the “high-octane potential” at Jenks, a beaming Graham shook hands with Athletic Director Chuck Perry, then Athletic Director Tony Dillingham, and went off to tweet a fond farewell to the Sun Devil football team, which had not been informed of Graham’s departure.

As of press time, neither Union or Jenks officials had commented on an ESPN story linking Graham to a forthcoming “exciting announcement” by the Edison High junior girls powderpuff team concerning their coaching vacancy.

Racquetball legend graces TU

Wojcik kidnaps Self: wins Championship After being forced out of Tulsa, Wojcik proves coaching abilities with Kansas Jayhawks.

Philip Fischaber Student Writer

Using his skills attained in Navy Surface Warfare Officer School, former TU basketball head coach Doug Wojcik kidnapped Kansas coach Bill Self and took over as KU’s head coach for the NCAA Final Four.

Lieutenant Wojcik used all of his naval daring to infiltrate KU’s extensive athletic department and detain Coach Self before the team’s departure for New Orleans.

After assuming control of the Kansas team by force, Doug Wojcik led the Jayhawks to

From Jackson page 4

Jordan in the 1990s, and another five championships with the Los Angeles Lakers and Kobe Bryant.

He announced his retirement after the 2010-2011 NBA season.

Although TU initially intended to hire Kansas assistant coach Danny Manning, the deal fell through when Jackson entered the talks.

Although the contract details have not been released, there has been speculation that Jackson’s hire and the recent tuition increases may be related.

wins in both the Final Four and Championship games.

Sources say Doug Wojcik felt the need to prove himself to the collegiate basketball world after his firing less than a month after becoming Tulsa’s all-time winningest coach. He certainly made an impact with his unexpected appearance and—after becoming the only coach in KU history to have a perfect record—is a highly soughtafter coaching prospect.

Sources with The Collegian believe Kentucky, UConn, Syracuse and Kendall-Whittier Elementary School are all in contract negotiations with Coach Wojcik. Unconfirmed reports say the Kansas Board of Regents is considering sending Bill Self back to TU with Danny Manning and hiring the currently undefeated Wojcik to be the new head coach.

After Coach Wojcik’s outstanding performance at KU this past weekend, conspiracy theorists have begun to question why a coach of Wojcik’s caliber was unable to win the C-USA tournament despite having strong institutional support and NBA caliber talent.

Prevailing opinion is that Tulsa’s horrendous mascot has so demoralized and embarrassed Doug Wojcik that he was unable to concentrate on the game. Now that Coach Wojcik has been allowed to have a normal giant red and blue bird mascot on the sideline instead, he can once again concentrate on the game and coach unbeatable teams.

A similar explanation has been ascribed to Todd Graham’s drastically increased success after leaving TU for Pittsburg.

Energy of the Future Wordsearch

Enjoy this week’s Collegian?

Join us next year as the fun continues!

We are currently looking to fill staff positions for Fall 2012.

E-mail collegian@utulsa.edu for more information

Word Bank BIOFUEL CLEANCOAL COAL DIESEL DRILLBABYDRILL DRILLING

FRACKING GASOLINE GEOTHERMAL METHANE NATURALGAS NUCLEAR

OFFSHORE OIL PETROLEUM SHALE SOLAR TARSANDS WAVE WIND

Catherine Roberts / Collegian

Bud “Dr. Bud” Meuhleisen, the first ever inductee into the official raquetball hall of fame, was present at the inauguration of the newly rennovated courts on March 30.

Despite his age, Meuhleisen took a moment after the event to show off some moves.

Obligatory Tebow article Emily Callen Staff Writer

Tim Tebow was praying for a trade.

The former Broncos quarterback had helped every single one of his teammates, with the possible exception of former starting quarterback Kyle Orton, see the glory of God in their own lives. While media buzz centered on Tebow’s possible return to Jacksonville as a hometown hero, last year’s phenom was finally traded to the Jets.

Some in New York are less than thrilled about the trade, and rumors are rampant that Tebow is wary, too. George R. R. Martin, author of the “Game of Thrones” series, snarked on the move on his blog: “[I don’t think] Tebow’s conspicuous piety will play well in the Big Apple,” he said. “If Branson, Missourri had a football team, that would be a perfect fit.”

It is unlikely that the St. Louis Rams will be relocating any time soon, and it is also unlikely that the Disneyland of the Ozarks would be able to support a professional football team.

This is the sentiment Tebow is coming to New York to fight. “I think he sees it as a challenge,” a source close to Tebow said. “I think he genuinely believes that

everyone in New York is either atheist or Jewish. If I know Timmy, and I think I do, he will make it his personal mission to bring all of them to the Lord.”

All of this time devoted to converting may leave little mental energy for football, a prospect that has current Jets starting QB Mark Sanchez thrilled. “I know they’re teammates and all, but Mark knows Tim is gunning for his job,” a source close to the Jets said, “I think Mark would kneecap him if he could.”

Still, there are biblical parallels to be drawn between the Jets and God’s chosen people. Like the Israelites (pre-1948), the Jets are a team without a homeland. They, like the New York Giants, actually play in New Jersey. When the teams face off, the Jets are the visiting team. Jets fans are a truly persecuted people, once saddled with fossil Bret Favre and a team that behaved wildly inappropriately toward former locker-room Journalist Inez Sainz.

Will Tebow take these parallels to heart as he tebows his heart out every time he takes the field? Unlikely. Will Tebow ever again play another winning game against the Pittsburgh Steelers? Even less so.

Tulsa scrambles to find quarterback

With under a week until Saturday’s Spring Game, Coach Blankenship has begun to panic about the Golden Hurricane’s apparent lack of quarterbacks. Blankenship commented on the situation saying, “We thought eight quarterbacks would be enough, but after watching them play this spring we realized we might want to get a few more—just in case ... At first we thought we just has a phenomenal defence but then we remembered that this is the University of Tulsa.” The coaching staff hopes to add four to six more quarterbacks before the start of the season, ensuring that there is at least one quarterback per game. When asked if it might be better to have fewer quarterbacks on scholarship to free up room for other positions, Blankenship replied that the Hurricane is taking a “more the merrier” approach to its quarterbacks this season.

variety

3 APRIL 2012

THE COLLEGIAN : 6

M. Night Shyamalan announces 3-D re-release of films

Photo courtesy Barry Mendel Productions

Cole Sear, played by Haley Joel Osment (left) and Dr. Malcolm Crowe, played by Bruce Willis (right), have an intense discussion immediately after a grisly ghost sighting. Director M. Night Shyamalan contends that the film would be much more interesting if it were re-released in 3-D. Photo courtesy Nickelback

Despite a rocky performance recently in Portugal, the band continues to tour, inspiring many with its heartfelt lyrics and exceptional talent. First-time listeners should check out “Here and Now.”

Nickelback arguably the best band in the world Nickelback’s latest album “Here and Now” is filled with many encouraging and edgy lyrics and is sure to be a hit.

Helen Patterson Student Writer

Awed by the effects possible with new 3-D technology, Disney, Steven Spielberg and James Cameron have all hastened to rerelease various movies. Not to be outdone, M. Night Shyamalan has announced his intentions to re-release many of his beloved films.

“I figured, hey, these guys are doing it.

What the heck?” Shyamalan told an anonymous source. When asked what to expect,

Shyamalan said, “How cool would it be if the ghosts in “The Sixth Sense” were all in 3-D? Oooohh! What a twist!” Shyamalan then waved his arms mysteriously for emphasis.

He also assures movie buffs that many disappointing films will miraculously become classics when the 3-D technology is applied. “Do you know what made “The Last Airbender” so good? 3-D technology!

Just wait until I redo “Lady in the Water,” people will line up to fork over the extra dough!”

Shyamalan assured fans that he would not alter any re-released films significantly. “I don’t want to alienate my fans. But maybe I will write myself into a few more roles. Be on the look-out for this face!”

Men desire own version of “Vagina Monologues”

Elliot Bauman Student Writer

Many critics would say that modern popular music has certainly declined in recent years. However, for one particular artist, such a claim is simply not the case. That artist is, without a doubt, Nickelback, led by the iconic Nicholas Cage look-a-like, Chad Kroeger.

This spectacular Canadian band, however, is not new to the music scene. Chad Kroeger and Ryan Peake formed the band in 1995 as the aptly named, “Village Idiots.”

Since such an original band name as “Village Idiots” could not be truer, Kroeger and Peake eventually dropped the title and renamed the band Nickelback.

The name supposedly came about after an incident in which Kroeger gave his job at Starbucks to a fan, claiming that the fan could “have his nickel back.” But such an incident is likely a myth, created to add to the legendary nature of the band.

Despite a rather rocky beginning, Nickelback eventually gained international fame with the release of its first big single, “How You Remind Me.” Regarding the success of the song, Kroeger told the media that the song was “romantic … and contained many memorable hooks.”

Following the early success of “How You Remind Me,” the band continued to produce more hot material. Its next studio album “All the Right Reasons” was a massive success and produced a number of hit singles including “Photograph” and “Rockstar.”

Nickelback released another studio album in 2008, which unfortunately drew negative reviews from critics. These reviews came as a surprise to Nickelback, especially since the 2008 album contained such popular singles as the notoriously fraternity-related anthem, “This Afternoon,” and the provocative and edgy “Something in Your Mouth.”

Despite the setback in 2008, Nickelback is back and better than ever. In late 2011, they released “Here and Now.” The album

Directors agree, horror films are arguably much cooler in 3-D. For M. Night Shyamalan, they also intensify the thrill.

“Cock Talk” exposes the tender relationship between man and penis.

Anna Bennett is the band’s seventh studio album and arguably one of its best. “Here and Now” features a number of quality tracks, but is led by the album’s two singles: “Bottoms Up,” a song about consuming copious amounts of alcohol, which may also pertain to greek life, and “When We Stand Together,” which gives the world hope in severely dark times.

Regarding the album, Kroeger remarked that the band “could not wait to share the results of the album with fans.”

And the band is ready to do just that. This summer, Nickelback is embarking on a massive tour to promote the nothing-but-incredible music on the band’s latest album. Fortunately for Oklahoma residents, Nickelback is coming to the BOK center on June 7. In addition, fans of Nickelback may be pleased to know that Creed will also make a stop in Oklahoma May 25–27 for the Rocklahoma festival. Two great bands within a month of each other is likely to be one of the greatest performances of the year, and an event that simply, should not be missed.

from the Office of Public Affairs and Ecenomic Development

Photo/Graphics Editor Eve Ensler’s landmark feminist play “The Vagina Monologues,” recently performed at the University of Tulsa, was greeted by general acclaim and popularity with a diverse audience.

Many women felt empowered by its message, as well as inspired to go examine their vaginas. Many men were also affected by the play. “I had no idea childbirth sucked that much,” said one anonymous man,“Now I respect vaginas way too much to touch them.” The man’s disgruntled wife declined comment.

However, not everyone came away singing vagina happy songs. Some men in the audience were disturbed by the representation of their gender within the piece.

Says junior Abel Wang: “I was a little weirded out that they only talked about one guy who wasn’t like, an evil rapist. I think stuff like this skews the way girls think about us—it’s not really fair or accurate.”

Luckily, Wang was not the only male student on campus who felt the need to respond to the message of the Monologues.

The subject came up during a “man date” with fellow RA Jimmy Wood, and thus the concept for the all-male show “Cock Talk” was conceived.

Although worried how his employer, Campus Housing, would react to his participation in the controversial show, Wood remained adamant that this was an important moment for men everywhere. Said Wood, “Frankly, we’re tired of being marginalized and demonized by feminist literature.”

Wang was quick to add, “We all know that women like to talk about their problems and their vaginas and all, but it turns out men actually like to talk about their feelings and their penises too.”

Wang’s prediction was right on the head; when he and Wood held auditions in Mayo SAC, more than 40 young men came. The cast was then narrowed down to the cream of the crop; 15 hopefuls were selected to perform. Freshman Bud Schwartz was among those lucky few. Says Schwartz: “I’m thrilled to be part of the movement to raise awareness of men’s issues. I think my girlfriend will understand.”

So Wood and Wang now had an enthusiastic cast, but what about a script? Fortunately, the boys were in good company.

Wang, a Classics major, had recently discovered in Special Collections an obscure play by Virgil, entitled “Conlocutio Peniculum,” which translates loosely to “A Conversation of Penises.”

Updates of the play plus original material from cast members quickly provided a promising script. Schwartz will be featured in the spotlight monologue, a beat-poem style piece entitled “If My Balls Switched Places.” Schwartz has never performed before an audience but is hardly lacking passion and energy about the project.

“My monologue—and the whole show really—is all about men and their fears and their dreams. I think it’s something everyone should be exposed to, but it’s especially important for men to hear that, hey, your feelings aren’t weird or wrong, and you’re not alone, man.”

“Cock Talk” will premiere this Thursday at the Meinig Recital Hall. Tickets are $5, and all proceeds go to SOBB, the Society of Beleaguered Boyfriends.

Do the Sudoku!

It’s a beautiful day in the

True Blue Neighborhood!

Campus Tour Guides Needed: Students from Hale Jr. High will be on campus April 12th for a tour of campus, and guides are needed for the tour. ten people are needed from 9 a.m. – 11:15 a.m.

Kendall-Whittier Elementary: needs volunteers to monitor classrooms for the upcoming OCCT Test for the following dates and times: April 11, 12, 13, & 14; 8:30 – 11:30 and 12:30 – 2:30 (24 monitors needed) April 16 & 17; 8:30 – 11:30 & 12:30 – 2:30 (5 monitors needed) April 18, 19, 20; 8:30 – 11:30 & 12:30 – 2:30 (12 monitors needed)

4

True Blue Friday: Join us on April 26th to go to the Community Food Bank and package groceries. The shuttle will pick up at Bayless Plaza at 12:30 and return at 3:00.

Tracking Volunteer Hours: Have you been keeping track of your volunteer hours? Volunteer hours can be tracked online by going to www.utulsa.edu/volunteer, select Student Volunteer Center, and Volunteer Hours Tracking.

For more information about these or other volunteer opportunities, contact Kathy Shelton in the True Blue Neighbor Volunteer Center in Holmes Student Center, room 25.

Difficulty level: Moderate

Variety

THE COLLEGIAN : 7

Spring break shocks Michigan residents

Spiked Punch Lines Improv presents: An alternate universe Anna Bennett

While on spring break, college students descend on unsuspecting Michigan towns.

Photo/Graphics Editor

Helen Patterson Student Writer

During the summer, the communities alongside lovely Lake Michigan are swarming with tourists, including children and, unfortunately, the occasional college student. However, residents are unaccustomed to dealing with crowds during the rest of the year. Usual March temperatures typically hover in the 30 to 40s, and few are intrepid enough to come to the frigid clime.

But this year, small towns suddenly found themselves overflowing with crazed college students, reveling in that chilling, Bacchic riot known as “Spring Break.”

One resident described the ordeal in tears. She stated, “I was just minding my own business and going to my favorite pizza restaurant when a caravan of crazed college students suddenly drove in and took over the parking lot!

I could tell they were college students because of the bumper stickers and the run-down cars. They took all the parking spaces and lingered in the restaurant telling dirty jokes for so long that I had to give up and go home.”

This chilling episode is one of many from which towns are still recovering. One bar owner esti-

3 APRIL 2012

Photo courtesy of Massachusetts Daily Collegian

“Beach lounging” is a popular spring break activity for many college students. As the desire to vacation somewhere warm is high, most students typically venture to Miami, South Padre Island or Panama City. However, due to the weather, unsuspecting Michigan residents found themselves plagued by many party-seeking students.

mates that, despite the increase in business, he actually lost money.

“College students are notoriously low on funds. They don’t tip well.

They can’t seem to figure out how to use a public restroom. They spill cheap beer all over the place.

They ought to be banned.”

Experts believe that the unseasonably warm temperatures, which sometimes reached the high 80s, may be behind this unexpected behavior. A climatologist informed us that “College students prefer warmer temperatures where they can sunbath, party and generally be a scourge to society, before

returning to classes and finals.

Michigan is usually protected by its cold March weather. However, if present trends in climate change continue, I am afraid that we may have to deal with these college students in future years. Some of my colleagues think they may even migrate as far as Canada for their drunken debaucheries. We will have to learn to adjust.”

Residents are advised to stock up on beer in anticipation of shortages, stay indoors with the lights off, and not respond to any drunken cries of, “DUDE! It’s Spring Break!”

They say that truth is stranger than fiction. This would of course explain a world in which reality TV exists and turns idiots into millionaires.

Given this ever-stranging world in which we live in, this leads to scientific curiosity as to how strange in comparison an alternative, parallel universe might be.

And since speculative fiction would not do this strangeness justice, the scientific community at SPL decided to check up on their parallel-selves on the other side. The individuals discovered that, in this alternate universe, he or she was: 1. A handsome lad in a three-cornered hat 2. A physics and French double major 3. In Malibu 4. Jack Welch 5. Not doing Dynamics homework

Girl Talk bails on Springfest; “Trololo” guy to perform instead

6. A princess 7. Jack Welch 8. An FBI agent 9. Jack Welch 10. Jack Welch 11. Jack Welch This data strongly suggests that this alternative universe is stranger than our own. Since truth is in fact stranger than fiction, we must now accept that the “alternative” universe is actually the real plane existence, and ours is one merely imagined by an author or software designer in said plane.

It is also estimated that just under half the population of this true reality is made up of Jack Welches.

Unfortunately, there is only one Jack Welch in this universe, and if you would like to meet him, join us at 8 p.m. every Monday and Wednesday in Kendall Hall Room 110. We’re pretty much like an alternative reality.

Anna Bennett / Collegian

Students rejoice to learn the beloved Internet sensation will come to campus.

Catherine Roberts Editor-in-Chief

Girl Talk, suffering from crippling depression after realizing, one, that he is not an actual band, and two, that he has no ability to talk to actual girls, last Wednesday informed the University of Tulsa’s Student Association that he would be forced to drop out of performing for Springfest.

Fortunately, having just cancelled a major performance for a Rick Santorum campaign party, SA’s second-choice performer, Eduard Khil, famed singer of Internet sensation “Trololo,” is available to perform Thursday.

“Ya ya yaaah yaaah ya yah,” Khil said in response to Springfest Executive Directors Meagan Young and David Wyatt’s email requesting that he perform.

“Ohohohoooo!” he added, in reference to being informed he would be singing at the new Lorton Performance Center.

Asked in an exclusive interview with The Collegian whether he was nervous about performing for an audience rather younger than most of his fan base, Khil confi-

By Cory Bys

Little Known Facts About TU Photo courtesy “Trololo” guy

Eduard Khil, best-known for his hit single, “Trololo,” performs at Cain’s Ballroom lat time his touring schedule brought him to Tulsa. Khil is thrilled to return to a town he loves so much. “Ahhhhh!” he confrimed.

dently replied, “Nah-nah-nah-nahnuh-nuh nah nuh-nuh, nah nuhnuh, nuh-nah!”

“Nah-nah-nah-nahnaaaaaaaaaaaah!” he added pointedly.

Khil was humbled to hear how excitedly TU students have responded to the news.

“AAIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-eee-eee-EEEE!” he said. “BOPahdududuh-dah-dadudaaah!”

He expressed little concern over a few students’ skepticism that he might not put on as energetic

a show as Girl Talk, saying only, “lol, haha.”

While Khil’s new recording has been prolific in the past few years, students will be relieved to hear that he plans to perform many of his classic hits, including “Trolololo la,” “La la-laaaaaah” and “[head dance].”

How does Khil feel about the prospect of visiting Tulsa?

“Oh hahahaho! Hahaheheho!

Hohohoheho! Hahahaheho! Lolololololololo, lololololololol lololololololol, lololo, LOL!” he assured.

1. Each tree on TU’s campus is embedded with a tracking chip, just in case it is stolen.

2. Grounds keepers once planned to color the water in the new U fountain blue, but feared it would fade to green and look gross.

3. More people pass out in Keplinger Hall each year due to exhaustion than pass out due to alcohol abuse.

4. All TU golf carts are equipped with nitrous oxide in case of emergency chases.

5. Beneath the Campus Security office lies a nuclear fallout bunker, built during the 50s as a precaution.

6. If all campus toilets were

simultaneously flushed, the campus fountains would cease to function for 10 minutes.

7. The Dietler Commons was originally to be named after Dr. Gary Poupon, but the board ruled that the “Poupon U” would be a bad name for obvious reasons.

8. All of the old Captain Cane costumes are hung up in the President’s office, for him to try on at his convenience.

9. Each winning game football is unsown and added to a tapestry.

10. Campo keeps a scoreboard listing all-time high scores for parking tickets.

Opinion

3 APRIL 2012

THE COLLEGIAN : 8

Kyle Walker definitely not most awesome person Despite his self-aggrandizing claims, Kyle Walker is somewhat lower on the totem pole than he might want you to think­—and we can prove it with math.

Conor Fellin

Student Writer

Opinions hegemon Kyle Walker recently told me of his plans to feature an article in this week’s Collegian definitively demonstrating that he is the most awesome person in the universe.

If I have learned anything from my years of math education, there’s only one way I can react to such a broad generalization: find a counterexample, and use it to call Kyle’s bluff in front of the entire school.

In fact, I’ve laid out in the article below exactly 3.2 counterexamples—3.2 people that are more awesome than Kyle.

Of course, this does not mean that Kyle is not an awesome person. Nor does it mean that there are only 3.2 people who are more awesome than Kyle.

It simply means that I could only come up with 3.2 people more awesome than Kyle in the early morning hours before the Collegian goes to press. Here they are: First off, Jesus. God. Picking a fight with a bunch of sleazy businessmen outside the temple. End of argument.

Secondly, Achilles. Achilles may not have the upstanding character of Jesus, but he more than compensates with his brute strength.

In his introduction to Robert Fagles’ translation of Homer’s Iliad, former classicist, author, and critic Bernard Knox calls Achilles’ fighting style “supreme violence, goaded to fury and at the highest pitch of its relentless skill and strength.”

Which means that if Kyle Walker and Achilles got into a fight it would go byoo! byoo! crrreeeeeeeeeeeakkkkkkkkkk— POW! [gasps from bystanders].

(Dr. Howland, this argument should be recited verbatim in your next Greek Culture lecture.)

Thirdly and most importantly— yes, you guessed it—me! To quote an anonymous source, “My boy Conor is the best in all the world.”

I’m intelligent, funny, sensitive, good-looking and, most of all, humble. But even all of that falls short of how awesome I am.

You know the scene in Battle-

1.

star Galactica where Captain Maximus uses the Frooglian ray to enlarge his mistichlorians so he can fight the Druguthards from Planet Chlthicithan? I’m even more awesome than that. Chicks love me.

By this point in the article, those of you keeping score at home are probably starting to wonder, “Who gave you the .2?” All of them.

Alright, not really. Here goes: Jesus, being God, is infinitely greater than any person, and therefore counts for an infinite amount of people more awesome than Kyle Walker. Since infinity is rather difficult to work with, however, we’ll throw out Jesus.

This leaves us with Achilles and me. As he incessantly mopes about his ship while there’s a war to be fought, Achilles is a very negative person, thus bringing the tally of people more awesome than Kyle to -1.

As the reader probably realizes, this puts me in a bit of a hole. And any engineer worth his salt knows how to get out of a hole of this sort: conveniently change the unit system!

If I redefine a “person” (there’s a legal precedent for this) to be 1/4.2 (approximately .238) Kyle Walkers, then I am 4.2 people who are more awesome than Kyle Walker.

Which brings the total of people more awesome than Kyle Walker to exactly 3.2. Q.E.D.

People more awesome than Kyle 1. Jesus: Jesus is the sexy founder of the world’s most popular religion. By a strange coincidence, he also happens to be the son of a deity.

2. Achilles: The mopey hero of Homer’s Iliad, Achilles is known for his shield and his itty-bitty, easily wounded pride.

3. Conor: That stud on the far left.

2.

Images courtesy Wikimedia Commons

American hero reveals climate change hoax

Thanks to Senator Inhofe, the secret agenda of climate scientists is finally brought to light and shown to be the menace to freedom it truly is.

Lily Clough

Student Writer

In light of Oklahoma senator Jim Inhofe’s recent expose, The Greatest Hoax, several scientists are coming forward and admitting that in their research, they falsified data and played into the agenda of the

liberal media in order to convince the world that climate change was occurring.

One scientist, who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of backlash from fellow scientists, said, “Senator Inhofe—we have to give him credit—he is a brilliant guy. After he released the book, it’s pointless to deny the truth any longer: we fabricated most, if not all, of our data. We brainwashed the public into believing that climate change was occurring, but it’s really not. The earth is fine.

The combined pollution of nearly 7 billion people and the massive release of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere has little effect on the earth’s climate. I mean, why should it?”

Another scientist explained

how climate scientists used something called chemistry to explain how the atmosphere is affected by the presence of carbon dioxide: “Yeah, it’s pretty funny how we came up with the idea. George here came up with it after smoking a—well, you know. Anyway, we used to say that the bonds in carbon dioxide absorb radiation from the sun and re-reflect it back towards the earth. I mean, how is a carbon-oxygen bond any different than an oxygen-oxygen bond? It’s really not.”

The main motivation for the fabrication of data, according to the scientists themselves, is the massive amount of grant money awarded to climate change research. “When I got my first grant, I threw the money on the floor of

my living room and literally rolled around in it,” one scientist said.

Those skeptical of climate change have long accused scientists of applying for grant money for questionable research, and using the money for dubious purposes.

Rush Limbaugh, widely considered to be the voice of conservatives, can now safely be considered one of the wisest men of the century, since he has always seen through the hoax of climate change. So too did conservative leaders such as Rick Santorum and, obviously, Oklahoma’s own Jim Inhofe.

One Oklahoman, who previously believed that climate change was occurring, is grateful to Inhofe for showing the world the truth. “I used to be so lost—be-

Write for us.

lieving in rationality and science, of all things,” he said. “Obviously the scientists have their own agenda. They’re corrupting the nation!

Now, thanks to Senator Inhofe, we can go back to a time where scientists haven’t ruined our minds with their lies. He’s a real American hero!”

Some scientists are still futilely attempting to fight the exposure of their vile agendas, saying that climate change is the only rational conclusion to arrive at when investigating the effects of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. But we all know the truth—science is not real, and we can dump as much carbon dioxide and pollutants into the atmosphere as we want, because there are no actual consequences.

We’ve got issues

We’re not all crazy. just this guy.

collegian@utulsa.edu

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editor-in-chief—Catherine Roberts managing editor—Lucas Forsythe news editor—Kalen Petersen sports editor—J. Christopher Proctor variety editor—Stephanie Hice opinion editor—Kyle Walker photo & graphics editor—Now Hiring!!! staff writers—Emily Callen, John Lepine business manager—Now Hiring!!! advertising manager—Aminat Adeyemi distribution manager—Mary Jessup web editor—Drew Mitchell adviser—Kendra Blevins

opinion

THE COLLEGIAN : 9

3 APRIL 2012

A BATTLE OF WITS:

Interview exclusive with The Collegian’s own opinion hegemon Kyle Walker Several nights ago, I received a mysterious phone call from someone demanding an interview for publication in the Collegian. A day later I was standing beneath a deserted overpass somewhere in north Tulsa waiting for my contact. Self-declared “Opinion Hegemon” Kyle Walker was to meet me there, but to what end I did not know.

by Walker K. Patrick

replies, “It was dark in the cave.” Ha! See, it’s funny because Plato had this parable about a cave. Do you want to hear another joke?

C: Why not.

He arrived in a white Jaguar with tinted windows. Wearing a waistcoat and vest, Mr. Walker struck the perfect image of a self-important artistic personage. As I hailed him, he put a finger to his lips and glanced suspiciously about before signaling that I could speak.

KW: So an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first mathematician orders one beer. The second mathematician orders half a beer. The third mathematician orders a quarter of a beer, and so on ad infinitum. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says, “You guys need to learn your limits!” Ha ha ha!

Whoo! Ha-ha, ha ha, hardy har, har hee ha ha ...

C: You want to tell me why we’re meeting beneath an overpass?

(KW goes on laughing at his own joke for another 30 seconds)

have effectively ruined the self-esteem of all of them. Of course, they will have learned a thing or two from the experience, but life just really won’t be the same for them after that.

C: Naturally, they were—

Of course, the time came when I had to leave Yogi, who was himself so wise that by the final year of our acquaintance he had ceased communicating with the other bears in their language having developed his own linguistic system that accomplished the same as the first but now with 98 percent fewer barks and growls.

KW: Morons.

C: And what did you do after that?

C: Um, yes. Well, why don’t you tell us a little bit about, I don’t know, growing up as the most awesome person—

KW: I walked the earth.

KW: Thing.

KW: You know, like Jules in Pulp Fiction, walk from place to place, meet people, get in adventures.

C: You’re that smart?

KW: Let me put it this way: You’ve heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?

KW: Dramatic effect.

C: Alright ... So, Kyle, you haven’t been on TU’s campus very long, what inspired you to call this interview and run a gigantic article sprawling across the opinion section?

KW: Oh, quite some time. You’ve probably heard of some of my doings. I dictated this fantastic play to an English fellow named William. I wanted to call it Daddy Issues but he insisted on calling it Hamlet. And the man calls himself an artist.

C: Are you saying you knew William Shakespeare?

KW: Knew? Please, if it weren’t for me, Shakespeare wouldn’t have gotten as far as London, let alone the Globe. I met quite a few other people to. There was this short guy, surname of Bonaparte, that I met on the eve of his massive invasion of Russia.

And I warned him. I said, “Man, never get involved in a land war in Asia.” Did he listen? Nope. And that’s how plans to dominate Europe accidentally get wrecked.

So I, the oh-so-wise opinion hegemon, ruler of all things glorious, opinionated, and self-aggrandizing, purveyor of oxford commas, sultan of skepticism, grand vizier of visceral viscissitudinous visions, archon of adverbs and harbinger of truths, have chosen to annex a large section of the paper in order to bring the truth to the masses.

Best company I ever had, though, was at this drinking party in Athens. All the big names of Attica were there: Agathon, Aristophanes, Phaedrus,and, of course, Socrates the gad-fly. Now, on a whim I decided to give them a pseudonym, and before I knew it, all these Greeks had fallen to giving speeches in praise of me.

C: ...

KW: Next question please.

KW: Well, really it means that the world is no match for me. I realized this the first time I read Plato’s Republic. I remember catching my reflection in a windowpane and thinking “Wow, that reflection is ridiculously good-looking, but it must be less perfect that what is causing the reflection.” So, you see, even early in my life I already had plenty of reasons—say, speaking of Plato, do you want to hear a joke?

C: Ummm, Sure.

KW: Alright, so Plato and a platypus walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, Plato, what’s with the platypus?” To which Plato

C: What does that mean?

C: Okay, and just how long did you “walk the earth?”

KW: Well It has come to my attention that there are people at the University of Tulsa who know neither who I am nor why they should know who I am. It has come to my attention that my efforts at indirect proselytizing in the opinion section have still not converted a majority of the students at TU to the one true truth: That I am, definitely, the most awesome person in the universe. It is a truth universally to be recognized.

C: Okay ... You claim to be the most awesome person in the universe. Can you give us a brief outline of what that means for you and the rest of the world?

series made about us. I would suggest looking it up but I’m not certain you would understand it.

Man I crack me up. Anyways, where was I? I kind of lost my train of thought.

C: You were describing why you’re the most awesome person in the universe.

KW: Oh, yes, well, you may have noticed some earthquakes here in Tulsa a little while back. Now, the geologists will tell you that’s a natural occurrence. But really, its the area adjusting to my presence. See, I’m so awesome so much of that time that my tendency to awe the universe itself into submission put a lot of strain on the local space-time continuum.

And it isn’t just the universe that recognizes my superiority. If you gathered the greatest minds of our generation and put them all in a room with me you will

C: I’m sorry?

KW: You said most awesome person. I’m not just the most awesome person. I’m the most awesome thing in the universe. The greatest object. Period.

C: Okay, well tell us about growing up as the most awesome thing in the universe, then.

KW: Well, I was raised by bears in Yellowstone National Park. My guardian was the eldest and wisest of the bears, an animal named Yogi. Between our regular picnic-basket oriented escapades, Yogi taught me the whole of science, ecology and culinary criticism. We became such regular fixtures of Yellowstone National Park that there was an animated television

C: What did you tell them your name was?

KW: Love. First name, Lotsa, last name, Love. Phaedrus got all hot and bothered and wanted everyone to give these speeches instead of drinking. Greece is the place to have a good time, I’m telling you.

C: Well, it looks like were out of time so it was nice— KW: Hey, you don’t have to make excuses.

Go ahead. I know being around me is pretty overwhelming. You have to think about yourself.

C: Um. Thanks.

KW: You’re welcome.

Based on my interview with Kyle, I have created this graph which shows, as a function of time, the likelihood that Kyle ever comes to a valid conclusion (or any conclusion at all, for that matter) over the course of any given rant.

As you can see, the likelihood drops significantly as the time approaches a quarter of a rant-hour. A rant-hour is a unit analogous to a kilowatthour. One rant-hour is the amount of ranting that Kyle can get done when operating at a verbal power of one rant, which is equivalent to one outburst per second, for one hour.

In other words: 1 rant-hour = 1 rant * 3600 sec = 1 outburst/sec * 3600 sec 1 rant-hour = 3600 outbursts

3 APRIL 2012

Opinion

THE COLLEGIAN : 10