September 5, 2022

Men’s soccer plays first game, p.2 Norman teacher resigns after banned book controversy, p. 3 Understanding history in Europe’s ground war, p. 4 Weird Al biopic releasing soon, p. 6 Campus ministry supremacy battle, 8

Sports

The Collegian: 2

September 5, 2022

Tulsa cruises past Kansas City in home opener Sports writer Ryan Shumaker covers the exciting win from TU men’s soccer on Friday.

courtesy @TulsaMSoccer on Twitter

After a mixed bag of performances in Wisconsin last week, the 16th-ranked Golden Hurricane men returned to the fortress and proved themselves thoroughly superior to the University of Missouri-Kansas City (UMKC) in their first competitive home match of the season. While the 4-1 score line ultimately flattered Kansas City, the visitors made things difficult in the opening 20 minutes. Tulsa goalkeeper Alex Lopez was allowed plenty of time on the ball, but the well-organized defensive shape of Kansas City was effective in stifling Tulsa’s

attempts to build out from the back. Lopez and Fazio often resorted to long balls out to the fullbacks as creative space in the center of midfield was hard to come by. The bright spot of the game’s rugged, uneventful opening period was the performance of Dutch freshman center back Wes Bottenburg. He was efficient on the ball and calmly dealt with the speed and skill of Kansas City’s talented forward down the left end. Bottenburg appears to have filled the void left in the back line by Till Zinnhardt’s transfer to North Carolina.

The breakthrough came from a wellworked corner which caught the defense slacking. Set piece specialist Tom Protzek was alert to the run of junior transfer Sergio Baena. This led to Baena arriving unmarked from the edge of the box and playing a firsttime ball to Malik Henry-Scott who tapped it in opening the scoring for the night, and his account for the 2022 season. Though not scored from open play, the goal sprang the game into life as Tulsa began to string positive passes together through the midfield and construct attacks with real menace.

The midfield trio of Alvaro Torrijos, Sach and Baena found more pockets of space and took control of the game. The front three began to link up effectively with each other as one dropped in to hold the ball up and the other two made runs past him.

While the chances from open play were now flowing, it was another perfectly executed corner that doubled the hosts’ lead in the 34th minute. A deep cross found the head of Alex Meinhard who directed the ball back across the face of the goal where it fell on a platter for senior forward Thomas Wells to finish off. With the Roos’ defense on the ropes, the Golden Hurricane struck again just five minutes later. The move started with Luke Jeffus winning the ball back at his own endline and picking out Wells, who carried it from the halfway line to the edge of the box where he teed up Takayoshi Wyatt, whose first touch was perfectly weighted and finish coolly slotted past the keeper to make it three. This sent Kansas City into the

break without a shred of momentum and a mountain to climb.

If there was any hope among the most loyal Kansas City fans that a miracle in Tulsa might be in store for the second half, it was swiftly put to bed thanks to a sequence of howlers from the Roos’ goalkeeper, Cooper Clarke. With a free kick in their own half, the trailing side played it back to Clarke who passed it straight to the feet of Henry Sach. The senior midfielder slid it through to Henry-Scott, who was lucky to net a second as the panicked keeper failed to keep the shot out despite getting a hand to it.

The Roos pulled a goal back at the hour mark, but it was only conciliatory as it was very much against the run of play and the game had long been buried. Kansas City continued to bleed out chances to the Golden Hurricane as time wore on and were fortunate not to concede seven or eight by the end.

Though not on the scoresheet, the standout performer of the evening was Sergio Baena. Between his pinpoint passing, graceful movement with the ball and relentless work rate, the Spaniard was simply operating at a different frequency from everyone else on the field.

It wasn’t a flawless 90 minutes, but the Tulsa men were more than deserving of the win upon their return to competitive football at home. Next up is a Labor Day clash with cross-town rivals Oral Roberts University.

American Athletic Conference realignment for next year AAC is losing three of its top contenders reports by sports writer James Palke.

The American Athletic Conference, of which Tulsa is a part, has finalized its team shifting set for the beginning of the 2023-24 academic year.

The conference is slated to gain six new members on the first of July next summer.

Mike Aresco, the AAC’s Commissioner, announced on June 15 that the conference finalized its agreements with the future members. Rice, North Texas, Florida Atlantic, Charlotte, the University of Texas at San Antonio (UTSA) and the University of Alabama at Birmingham (UAB) will be joining the remaining nine members; which include Tulsa, Temple, Tulane, Wichita State, Memphis, Southern Methodist University (SMU), South Florida, East Carolina and Navy. “We are extremely pleased and excited to welcome our new members to the conference in 2023, as we begin our second decade,” said Aresco.

Simultaneously, the conference is losing three member schools; Cincinnati, Houston and Central Florida. They were invited to the Big XII, alongside Brigham Young University (BYU), and all accepted the invitation. This comes out of the announcement of Oklahoma (OU) and Texas (UT) stating that they plan to leave the Big XII in 2025.

Understandably, the Big XII sought out new members.

On July 10, 2022, the AAC released an announcement that they came to terms with their outgoing members. Aresco said, “All three institutions enjoyed tremendous success under the American Athletic Conference banner, and all three were instrumental in taking the conference to great heights, both athletically and academically. We wish them the best and look forward to having them compete in our conference in 202223.”

Realignment is not new to the AAC, as it was born out of the 2012-2014 reorganization and turmoil of the Big East Conference.

The conference is nine years old.

We will have the same 11 schools competing in football this season. Cincinnati, Houston and UCF will still compete in the conference this season, however it is their last year. This time next year, the Conference will have 15 full members, 14 of which play football. Wichita State does not sponsor a football team. The Navy is the only member who only competes in football.

Cincinnati, Houston and UCF have been top competitors within the AAC. Last football season, the three teams covered the top positions in the conference. Cincinnati took first with 13 wins and a single loss, this included an undefeated conference record of 8-0. Houston followed in second with an

courtesy athleticbusiness.com

overall record of 12-2 and an undefeated conference record as well. UFC took third with a completed record of 9-4 and 5-3 conference record. Regarding the 2021-22 men’s basketball season, Houston had the best AAC record of 15-3 and won the AAC Basketball Tournament beating Memphis in the championship. UCF placed 6th in the

conference with a record of 9-9. And lastly, Cincinnati concluded the season in 8th with a conference record of 7-11.

The AAC conference will be losing some of its top competitors across multiple sports and time will only tell how this will affect the conference and Tulsa.

Sept. 5 - Sept. 11 Monday

Tuesday 6

5

M Soccer Oral Roberts 7:00 p.m.

Wednesday

none

Thursday

W Soccer Oklahoma 7:00 p.m.

Saturday 9

8

7

none

Friday

Volleyball UTEP 1:00 p.m.

Volleyball Oral Roberts 7:00 p.m.

10

Sunday 11

Volleyball Abilene Christan 10:00 a.m.

W Soccer Arkansas Pine Bluff 1:00 p.m.

Football Northern Illinois 6:00 p.m.

M Soccer Kentucky 7:00 p.m.

M Tennis @ Orlando Shootout All Day

M Tennis @ Orlando Shootout All Day

News

September 5, 2022

The Collegian: 3

NASA’s Artemis I space launch delayed twice The Artemis project’s inital flight is delayed due to hydrogen leak.

Erika Brock News Editor The Artemis I launch was expected to happen early last week on Monday, August 29th, but was called off due to an unexpected hydrogen leak in one of the valves.

At present, the cause of the leak is not entirely understood, and NASA is not quick to launch this iteration of the project when it could potentially waste billions of dollars.

Originally, the new attempt at the launch was going to take place on Saturday, September 3, but NASA once again called it off. They have invested over $40 billion into this craft, with the production of the

the moon and also send a manned mission to Mars. In total, the Artemis project is expected to cost over $91 billion. The Artemis project is named so in reference to Apollo’s twin sister, the goddess of the Moon as a callback to the first manned space missions to the Moon in the 1960s and early 1970s.

Artemis I is an unmanned test flight to ensure the new and improved technology that has been developed for moon landings since the Apollo missions is functional and safe for people to enter space and return home. NASA wants to test the heat shields to ensure they are able to exit and reenter Earth’s atmosphere and still hold the shuttle together.

Artemis II will be a manned mission. It is presently scheduled for May of 2024 and will last 10 days before the astronauts return

“The end goal ... is to establish a long-term human presence on the Moon ...” capsule, called Orion, and the rocket, called the Space Launch system.

Having two scrubbed launches, while not ideal, is a lot lower cost than if the rocket were launched and then failed in the air. It is imperative this early mission goes smoothly so that the later missions are successful.

The end goal of the Artemis project is to establish a long-term human presence on

home. It will do a lunar flyby of one and a half laps before redirecting and returning to Earth.

Artemis III is when people will be landing on the moon and was originally tentatively scheduled for 2024, but after the scrubbed Artemis I launch it has a new launch date of 2025. Two of the astronauts will be sent to

Artemis I prepares for its maiden voyage.

the moon’s south pole while two remain in orbit in the Orion capsule to land at a different area of the moon’s surface to be determined by NASA. This crew will stay on the moon for nearly seven days, almost twice what the manned Apollo missions did during their longest mission. They will conduct research on the frozen water and the hydrogen deposits that are approximately three feet below the lunar surface.

The Mars explorations will not take place for many more years. NASA has hopes of

courtesy NASA

sending people to Mars in the late 2030s or early 2040s, but the ultimate launch date is very dependent on these early missions going smoothly.

Because Mars is so much further than the moon is from Earth, nearly a 500 day round trip, the conditions of the planet’s orbits have to align and then NASA has to be ready to launch the rocket. This will be a marathon, not a sprint, and it will be many years before the Artemis project is completed.

Oklahoma teacher resigns after being forced to censor her library Summer Boismier faces backlash from the State of Oklahoma Education Secretary over banned books.

Aurora Stewart Student Writer Since 2021, dozens of bills have been passed throughout the United States regarding what one can and cannot teach in the classroom. Oklahoma recently became one of these many states with the passing of HB 1775.

This anti-critical race theory bill restricts what educators can discuss in schools, especially regarding race, ethnicity and gender.

they could review them and decide which materials students could have access to.

Regarding her library, Boismier asserted to CNN, “I pay for those books. I put books on my shelves that I think not only would be appealing to students, but center stories that have traditionally been left out of the official ELA [English Language Arts] curriculum.”

Instead of removing the books from her classroom entirely, she covered them in butcher paper and labeled them “Books the state doesn’t want you to read.” She also included a QR code on each book that her students could scan and use to access them for free in their own time. These QR codes gave her students access to resources from a program called “Books Unbanned”

“...Ryan Walters called for the revocation of Boismier’s teacher’s license...”

On August 24, we saw the first fallout of this bill when a teacher in Norman resigned from her position.

through the Brooklyn Public Library. This program provides free library cards to people all over the nation so they can ac-

Boismier shared a Brooklym Public Library Books Unbanned QR Code with her students.

Summer Boismier, an English teacher at Norman High School, received instructions from her district to rid her classrooms of books that were not conducive to the guidelines of the 1775 bill. She told CNN that her district required English teachers to report the contents of their libraries so

Courtesy Brooklyn Library

cess books that may not be allowed in their classrooms. Under these QR codes she wrote, “definitely don’t scan this!”

Boismier also provided clarification regarding her instructions from the district: “And I want to be clear, I was told to cover my books.”

Summer Boismier covered all of the books in her class room with red butcher paper.

In an email to Changing America, Wes Moody, a spokesperson for Norman public schools, said a parent reached out to the district about Boismier and a “potential issue regarding Oklahoma HB 1775.”

The parent’s concern regarded the use of classroom time to make political statements and personal assertions.

Moody later stated, “Like many educators, the teacher has concerns regarding censorship and book removal by the Oklahoma state legislature. However, as educators it is our goal to teach students to think critically, not to tell them what to think.”

According to Boismier, school district officials claimed the QR codes made the books seem forbidden and that they did not want to encourage illegal actions by students.

Boismier explained that the school forced her to take administrative leave and rebuked her for using class time to make political statements, though Moody denies Boismier was put on leave or suspended.

While Boismier was instructed to return to the classroom Wednesday following her alleged administrative leave, she instead resigned.

This bill is an example of a larger trend in the US, but HB 1775 is especially harsh in its penalties as teachers can lose their licenses.

The Oklahoma Education Secretary Ryan Walters called for the revocation of Boismier’s teacher’s license, stating “There is no place for a teacher with a liberal political agenda in the classroom. Ms. Boismier’s providing access to banned and pornographic material to students is unacceptable and we must ensure she doesn’t go to another district and do the same thing,” Following this, Walter’s received pushback from the Oklahoma Education Association who called his statements and bill interpretation inaccurate, while urging him to focus on the real issues in the classroom.

Through the next year we expect to continue to watch how these bills shape modern education, impacting educators and students alike.

Courtesy @MSBoismier_ELA on Twitter

Commentary

The Collegian: 4

September 5, 2022

Biden’s loan forgiveness plan is making things worse

Biden aimed to help low-income college students in debt. Instead, he screwed every taxpayer in the country and gave colleges the greenlight to raise tuition skyhigh.

Dominic Cingoranelli Student Writer I have no doubt that most of us are already aware of the Biden Administration’s plan to cancel up to $10,000 of federal loan debt, $20,000 for those who accepted Pell grants.

This is extremely beneficial for many of us — but is it a good policy?

If we are thinking about long-term implications, it seems clear the detriments will outweigh the benefits. This policy is inflationary at a time when inflation reduction is sorely needed, and it is a regressive transfer of wealth from the lower class to the middle class. Most importantly, it does nothing to countermand the ballooning cost of college attendance, and perhaps enables it to rise further.

This policy is inflationary because the post-pandemic inflation has largely been demand-driven, and loan forgiveness would increase aggregate demand. Excessive inflation hurts everyone — it devalues our savings and incomes, eroding our purchasing power. Inflation is also disproportionately damaging for the lower and middle classes, since the ultra-wealthy typically have much of their net worth tied up in assets, the values of which tend to increase commensurate with inflation.

Regardless of how the loan forgiveness is paid for, it is regressive. If it is financed with loans from the federal reserve, then it will contribute to inflation. Small amounts of inflation can be healthy, but according to the most recent CPI report we are at 8.5%,

which is not a small amount. This is just about the worst timing possible for loan forgiveness, which has been estimated to cost upwards of $300 billion (although the White House refuses to give an estimate). If it is paid for by implementing some additional tax, then the new tax will almost certainly impact the lower and middle classes more — and it will certainly impact people who never attended college in the first place, or else loan forgiveness would be pointless in the first place.

In order to understand why this does not curb the rising cost of college tuition, we need to understand why these costs are rising so astronomically in the first place. In short, high demand, constrained supply, easy access to subsidies and incomplete access to information (about the true cost of college education as well as the expected return on investment) are among the most commonly-cited factors. Nullifying loans is great for the people who hold student debt right now, but it only incentivizes universities to further abuse the knowledge that the government will step in and cover whatever they believe students will be unable to pay.

But what could be done to help address the college tuition crisis?

To reduce the cost of tuition, thereby eliminating the need for any debt forgiveness in the future, policy focused at reducing demand, increasing supply, limiting — or at least refraining from increasing — access to subsidies and providing better information to potential college-goers would be more appropriate.

Demand can be reduced by encouraging vocational training. Does every IT or cybersecurity professional really need a four-year degree? The National Cybersecurity Center doesn’t seem to think so, which is why they offer low-cost training and certification to help people break into the (rather high-paying) industry without a degree. By encouraging programs like this — through grants or less stringent licensing requirements — we can incentivize people to avoid taking out student loans in the first place. Increasing supply is a simple matter of streamlining the accreditation process to lower barriers to entry.

I understand that many college-goers are dependent upon federal loans, which is why I will not advocate for simply removing them overnight as that would be extremely costly for low-income students in particular, especially in the short term. However, raising the amount that the government is

willing to provide or forgive does not line these students’ pockets so much as it lines the pockets of universities.

As for incomplete information, many students do not know how much loan relief they are likely to receive until they are already accepted to college. The Department of Education already has tools to help people more accurately assess how much college will cost them such as the Loan Simulator. Perhaps requiring that this tool is used before filling out the FAFSA form for the first time would provide people with a better idea of how much their degree is going to cost, and a rough estimate of expected salary based on degree would be relatively easy to find as well — all of the data is there.

I understand that none of these suggestions represent a “silver bullet” which could easily solve the problem. But they could help, which is why I’d rather see any one of these suggestions implemented than loan forgiveness. If there is a mechanism to do so, I think I’ll have to put my money where my mouth is and pay off my $12,000 in federal loans the hard way. Because although debt forgiveness is, no doubt, a tremendous relief to millions of people for the time being, it’s also dangerously short-sighted and loaded with negative side effects. We, members of the lucky 30 million on the receiving end, may feel only the benefits for now, but the consequences will come back to bite us — as they will all 330 million Americans.

courtesy whitehouse.gov The debt relief applies to individuals earning less than $125 thousand per year or $250 thousand for married couples.

Understanding the conflict between Russia and Ukraine

Six months after Russian military troops invaded Ukraine, Dylan Moucka examines the history behind the two nations.

Dylan Moucka Student Writer On February 24, 2022, Russian military forces invaded Ukraine. After six months of fighting, the war has led to the emigration of over 10 million Ukrainians, along with tens of thousands of deaths for those who chose to stay, according to recent estimates. Numerous cities have been destroyed, leaving ruins in the wake of a once vibrant country. At this point, there appears to be little prospect of the war ending anytime soon. In order to understand how this war broke out, and how it has evolved over the past half year, we ought to return to history.

key purposes: first of all, the Russian president, Vladimir Putin, has claimed multiple times that Russia and Ukraine are actually one people, thus allowing him to unite them by whatever means he deems necessary. In this instance, unification is just another word for colonialism. To be clear, there is no historical unity between Russia and Ukraine.

This would be akin to saying there is historical unity between the United States and England. Unification may have existed at one point in the past, but a lot has happened since then. The idea that Russia and Ukraine were once united, and thus retain said unity, is in reality a misunderstanding of history that has been appropriated for Putin’s own desires. Putin understands that when Ukraine was previously unified with Russia, it came as a result of the Ukrainian-Soviet War, which quelled Ukrainian independence movements by forcefully adopting Ukraine into the emerging Soviet Union. The colonization of Ukraine lasted for 70 years, until the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991.

Therefore, if unity is to be achieved once again, according to Putin, then Russia must colonize Ukraine under the guise they are one people.

The second case for understanding Ukraine and Russia’s history is that it allows the current war to be understood outside of a few major political figures. The courage of Ukraine’s president, Volodymyr Zelensky, and the colonial mindset of Vladimir Putin are not to be undermined, but if we only understand this war as a collection of these men’s actions, then we lose track of

“The people who are fighting this war each bear their own responsibilities.”

The majority of Americans have minimal, if any, knowledge of Ukraine or its history.

This is a problem. If this war is to be understood, then it has to be placed within its recent historical context. This serves a few

courtesy wikicommons Putin falsely claims that Russia and Ukraine are one people.

the experiences of everyday Ukrainians and Russians. President Putin undeniably wants this war, and President Zelensky has been crucial in maintaining the morale of all Ukrainians, but the actions of Ukrainian and Russian soldiers are not solely indicative of their leaders. The people fighting this war each bear their own responsibilities. If the Ukrainian people did not choose to defend their country, Russia would have quickly won this war. Instead, Ukraine has surprised the world by standing up to one of its biggest militaries and winning the fight against them.

The Russian military presents an important reason for seeing this war beyond just

courtesy wikicommons Zelensky has been critical in rallying Ukranian troops against Russian forces since February 2022.

Putin: Russian soldiers have committed numerous war crimes throughout this conflict. The massacre of Ukrainian civilians at Bucha, for instance, included the execution of prisoners whose hands were tied behind their backs. This, sadly, is only one of many examples. The Russian military have repeatedly subjected Ukrainians to torture and barbaric killings. These acts cannot be simply regarded as a result of Putin’s will.

It is evident that plenty of Russian soldiers are more than willing to commit heinous acts of their own volition. The history of the 20th century sheds light on how we might be able to understand this. In her famous account of the Adolf Eichmann trial, Hannah Arendt suggested the Holocaust occurred not because people were evil but because they were banal. To put it another way, the senseless killings perpetrated by the Nazis were a result of men who refused to think for themselves, question their actions and stand up against injustice. The banality of evil, as Arendt coined, has not gone away,

and still, the world has not learned from the 20th century.

History is not eternal, nor an uncharted wasteland where the roots of the past have not spread into the present. There are no rules of history that solidify ties between sovereign nations: every nation is constantly evolving and is the product of the will of its people. The Ukrainian people have made it clear that unification with Russia is not something they desire. The last thirty years have proven that: Ukrainian independence in 1991 helped to bring the Soviet Union to an end; the Orange Revolution of 2004 and the 2014 Maidan Revolution further cemented Ukraine’s yearning for freedom from foreign interference and corruption; and finally, their courage to defend their country from an invading Russian military has so far proved successful, albeit in a pyrrhic manner.

September 5, 2022

Commentary

The Collegian: 5

Is it too much to carry? The responsibility of gun rights

The Supreme Court expanded gun rights for citizens to grant equal protection, but who’s responsible for our protection?

Matthew Montanio Student Writer On June 23, 2022, the Supreme Court expanded upon the rights for citizens to be capable of owning guns in public, changing the way we as a country, legalistically, view gun rights and gun control. Specifically, restrictions in New York requiring a special permit for concealed carried handguns were overturned. The primary reasoning for the 6-3 ruling was that the existing permits were too restrictive and didn’t grant equal protection for the average citizen trying to purchase a weapon.

There are a few possible ways to answer this question. One answer is to delegate that responsibility primarily to the government. More restrictions toward guns and a harder stance on gun control has sound reasoning. If a person has the intention to cause destruction, then simply take away the tools that can destroy. However, skeptics of this answer point out this proposition would go against the spirit of the Constitution. The purpose of the 2nd Amendment was to provide citizens with equal means to defend themselves from the government if necessary, so giving up those means is not entirely attractive. Furthermore, gun violence doesn’t come from the citizenry alone; there is also a threat of violence from governmental bodies like the police. Distrust in the police leads to vigilantism and violence, among other things: if we can’t trust law enforcement to protect us, then we should take matters into our own hands. This line of thinking perpetuates the need, however real or imagined, for guns.

For those opposed to the presence of guns, there is another attractive solution.

Instead of delegating the responsibility of protection onto the government, we should take the responsibilities for ourselves. Law enforcement doesn’t always have the five minutes to arrive at a scene when a shooting occurs and can’t protect everyone at once.

Therefore, perhaps it’s better to have people who can respond to threats like this almost instantaneously. There has been video footage of shop owners successfully defending

“... government and citizenry ... need to collectively take responsibility ...”

With the recent rise in devastating shootings, ranging in locations from schools to concerts, and the growing cases of violent crime, there is no doubt that there is a need for substantial reform to be made, not only in how the US government views guns but in how we as a culture view guns. Unfortunately it seems that we are stuck on a knife’s edge with a very important question: whose responsibility is it to protect citizens from guns?

their establishments from would-be robbers.

However, this is not an ideal solution as much as the previous answer, either. Justifications for using guns aren’t always as cut and dry when it comes to self-protection as it is when defending businesses, and by entrusting a larger population with the ability to handle weaponry, the liability becomes that much larger. With allowing more people to access weaponry, there is an even larger chance that somebody will practice poor

The Supreme Court ruled 6-3 in favor of expanding gun rights for U.S. citizens.

courtesy wikicommons

gun safety and harm others. That’s not even counting the instances where intentional incidents happen involving a gun.

In response to these changing gun laws, on August 30, New York City has designated specific spots like Central Park, churches and theaters as sensitive locations; these locations are spots in the city where guns are prohibited indiscriminately. It is unknown whether this is going to be a national development or not, but the option is left open to individual states if they deem it appropriate. Regardless, this still sparks debate about whether there should even be gun-free zones because it restricts access to guns for citizens. With more restrictions, it will take longer for both a prospective gun owner to get authorization to handle a gun and the police to issue gun permits. Ironically, the extra time could arguably be restrictive anyway, begging the question: Why are there going to be more restrictive measures that ultimately achieve the same result? There is certainly more rigor in the vetting process, sure, but to what extent does it change the process for issuing permits? The Supreme Court decision was intended to make it more accessible for citizens to carry weapons in public, but they may have found an-

other means to prevent owners from getting a gun. The current decisions seem to only perpetuate this argument rather than come against some satisfying solution.

Both a restrictive view and relaxed view towards gun law seem inadequate. Trusting the government alone will not bring change fast enough to save lives in the near future but trusting in ourselves alone opens the door for liability and violence. Instead of viewing government and citizenry as two separate beasts, they need to collectively take responsibility and stop pointing fingers.

This means to also spread the issue among multiple solutions, not just a three part approach. Like how a wise investor will diversify their income sources among both shortterm and long-term investments, reform activists should dedicate time to looking at long-term and short-term changes.

For those looking into trying to alleviate violence from guns, investigate supporting local communities’ health centers, childcares and other local facilities. By tackling smaller issues within the community in tandem with larger scale advocacy, change can be achieved on both a short-term and longterm basis.

to their safety and security? What if an employee had been armed and shot Channels?

While shootings have become a tragically routine element of our lives, instilling paranoia and generating trauma in people would not at all help them to better face a crisis. Instead of building her employees’ confidence and capability to act with a clear head, Bartels threw them into the deep end and just stood by to see if they would swim, even after their desperate pleas for information.

Now, employees are being offered mental

realize that keeping a clear head and having a contingency plan could save your life.

Even though it’s unfortunate that we now live in a world where security systems are a must and identification is required to open a door, it’s important to see the benefits of these tools and understand that even though they can’t prevent someone from having malicious intent, they can certainly save lives. It’s deeply saddening that the people of Omaha Catholic Charities had nothing to protect them, were offered no counsel as to how they could best protect themselves and now have to live with the trauma of what was and what could have been.

Police officer arrested for staging mass shooting at Catholic Charities how you would react when you found out it was all a drill.

The man who fired the blanks at Omaha Catholic Charities was John Channels, a police officer for the Offutt Air Force Base and CEO of his own security company, Exousia Protection Agency. The director of the charity, Denise Bartels, hired Channels to stage the shooting, which was complete with actors strewn about the floors and smeared with fake blood.

No one knew that the shooting was a

A police officer simulated a mass shooting in Omaha Catholic Charities without telling employees it was a drill.

Abby Fakhoury Student Writer This past spring, a man fired blanks through a window at a Catholic Charity in Omaha, Nebraska. The situation devolved from an ordinary day into utter chaos, with one woman jumping off a retaining wall and bloodied bodies scattered across the hallway. An elderly employee feared the shock and fear would induce a heart attack.

Imagine being in this kind of situation, one that we see all too often in headlines and on our television screens. What would you do? Would you even be able to think coherently? How would you feel knowing you might never return home? Then, think

courtesy @ccomaha on Twitter The director of the charity hired Channels to stage the shooting.

“Even when employees frantically asked what was going on, the director remained silent.” simulation but Bartels, Channels and his team. Even when employees frantically asked what was going on, the director remained silent. She claims Channels said he would make police aware of the planned drill, which he did not, as law enforcement arrived fully expecting to try and avert a crisis. Channels was arrested and is now being tried for five counts of making terroristic threats. Bartels claims she hired him “based upon recommendations from respected sources, and he clearly misrepresented himself and his qualifications.”

While I’m not entirely sure what qualifications would be deemed adequate in order for someone to stage a mass shooting, other than sadism, that’s beyond the point.

The idea that an executive director of any establishment could even think of simulating such a horrific and tragically relevant event at the expense of their employees is sickening. I hesitate to even call the incident a drill, because a drill is when a group of people practice a pre-established contingency plan to avert a crisis. Did Bartels simply want to gauge how her employees would react to an armed invader? There certainly was no predetermined plan that gave the employees any kind of recourse in the face of danger.

Bartels claims that her “intention in holding the training on May 19 was for the safety and security of [her] staff and to prepare for the sad reality that organizations face today.” How does staging a shooting without making your colleagues aware contribute

and emotional support services when they could have been offered training to keep themselves safe.

While the issue of gun violence continues to become more dire, it’s important to

Channels was previously convicted of sexually assaulting a minor.

John Channels

The Collegian: 6

Variety

September 5, 2022

Weird Al goes out with a bang The biopic craze has come for the King of Polka himself.

Victoria Grossman Student Writer If you’ve lived on this Earth for any period of time, you’ve definitely heard of Weird Al Yankovic. Known far and wide for his song parodies, the singer is getting his very own biopic. Weird Al has been in the game for nearly 40 years, and although his songs are comedy-based, he has earned some serious accolades, including five Grammy Awards. In any case, any movie about Weird Al is likely to be just that: weird.

The film stars Daniel Radcliffe, who is best known for his role as the title character in the “Harry Potter” movie franchise, but has also had roles in lesser films such as “Swiss Army Man,” “The Lost City,” and “Imperium.” Other cast members include Evan Rachel Wood and Rainn Wilson. The

movie itself does not appear, at least from the trailer, to follow the true definition of a “biopic,” but instead will be, to no surprise, a parody of that genre. The teaser features dramatic and satirical moments woven between slapstick comedy bits, creating the exact opposite kind of film we saw in Baz Lurhmann’s “Elvis” earlier this summer.

There’s a lot to know about Weird Al, but what might surprise you most is that his most popular film, “UHF,” was filmed right here in Tulsa. Executive producer Gray Fredrickson, having previously worked on “The Outsiders,” opted to return to the area due to low production cost and ideal filming locations. A number of buildings downtown were used in the production, such as the OETA recording studio, Joey’s House of the Blues on East 61st Street, and First Christian Church on Boulder Avenue.

The actual plot of “UHF” appears to be quite… elusive. Yankovic plays George Newman, a dreamer type who comes to find himself in charge of a television station. As a result of his leadership, the station, predict-

ably, falls on hard times and turns to a telethon to sell off its shares. Critics complained of a lack of characterization in the film, but Yankovic and other writers argued that because the film was supposed to mainly focus on parody sequences dreamed up by the main character, more plot development was unnecessary. The movie was mildly successful, making $6.1 million at the box office after having a budget of $5 million. As it turns out, Tulsa can count Weird Al among those who have found success on its streets.

Since “UHF,” Yankovic has continued touring with both his parodies and other, more polka-based songs. Having made appearances on several popular sitcoms, Weird Al has continued to stay a comedic presence in popular culture. This new movie will surely not be the last exploit of his career, but if it turns out to be, it seems like he’d be going out with a bang. The film, entitled “Weird: The Al Yankovic Story” is making its debut at the Toronto International Film Festival November 4, and will then be available to stream on The Roku Channel.

“UHF” was releaed in 1989.

courtesy wikicommons

Actual best study spots on campus

If you’re looking for a study spot on campus, check out this all-inclusive list.

In this weekly column, our Managing Editor Maddie Walters talks to musicians about their craft.

Maddie Walters Managing Editor Music and Mayhem with Maddie kicks off its inaugural interview with New Jersey’s Modern Chemistry. Closing in on a decade as a band, Joe Zorzi and Brendan Hourican make up this alternative indie band that has toured with the likes of Taking Back Sunday, Motion City Soundtrack and Frank Iero. The duo recently celebrated a milestone as their breakout single from 2013, “Never Scared,” passed over one million streams on Spotify.

about music production and express their creativity in a new way.

In August, Modern Chemistry released their newest single “In a Way,” which Zorzi describes as the most vulnerable song he’s ever written. “It’s about that kind of hopeless feeling where you wish you could help or could have helped someone,” he says.

Though he wishes nobody would have to go through something like this, he hopes those that do find solace in its message.

The band premiered their short film, “My Battery is Low and It’s Getting Dark,” on August 21 at a theater in Asbury Park, NJ. Doubling as a music video for two singles, the short film has the trippy vibes of a newage “2001: A Space Odyssey,” as Modern Chemistry seemingly appears to be the first band to play in space, or at least to fake a moon-landing.

“The band describes it best with ‘it felt like we were all suffering alone, but also together.’”

The band has kept themselves busy this year, releasing an EP in January titled “tomorrow, we wake up from the longest collective dream of our lives.” A product of the lockdown, this EP perfectly delineates the pandemic headspace, but is so much more than just a pandemic album.

“At first, we just wanted to put together a few songs and see what we could do with the restrictions of writing and producing at home. It ended up becoming such an important project to us,” says Zorzi. “ These songs are some of my favorites that we’ve ever released and I think it really shows how versatile we’d like to be.”

The long title, perhaps a callback to the extended titles of the emo genre, comes from a questioning of reality itself during the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic.

The band describes it best with “it felt like we were all suffering alone, but also together.”

Before their newest EP, the duo released three volumes of cover songs, most notably a haunting cover of Nirvana’s “HeartShaped Box.” The pair credits this series of covers with allowing them to learn more

Hourican came up with the initial idea for the film before the duo brought it to their friend Benjamin Lieber, who the band credits as knowing how to bring grandiose ideas like this one to life. Lieber, along with Kris Khunachak (director of photography) delivered on the band’s hopes. “This really feels like us,” Zorzi says, “ I think people are going to really be impressed with how much we were able to do with just the four of us.”

“My Battery is Low and It’s Getting Dark” also serves as the title for the band’s upcoming album, releasing September 23. Diverging from their previous styles in “Never Scared” and even their last fulllength, “Everything in Gold,” their newest album promises a “full band feeling.”

“Music is a journey,” says Zorzi, “I think people are going to really like it. No matter what changes musically, I think anything me and Brendan do are [sic] always going to sound like the same band.”

“My Battery is Low and It’s Getting Dark” releases this month and can be found on all major platforms, including Bandcamp. Their short film can be viewed on their YouTube channel.

Erika Brock News Editor Studying is a personal thing, and everyone has to figure out what works best for them when it comes down to it. Some people really don’t want to be bothered or to see another person at all while they’re working; others really want a space where they can sit with their friends and encourage each other to stay focused. After two years of studying here at The University of Tulsa, I’ve tested out my fair share of study spots here on campus, and each has its pros and cons. My list is subjective, do what works for you, but this is what I’ve found to be a good system

“After two years of studying here at The University of Tulsa, I’ve tested out my fair share of study spots here on campus, and each has its pros and cons”

for myself.

If you like to study in places where people won’t bother you, then try these places.

The stacks of the library - The bottom floor tends to be fairly quiet and people don’t frequent it as much during the semester. Around midterms and finals, it’s busier, but the students there are in the headspace to work.

An empty lecture room - This can get you in the mindset of class, and people really don’t go in these rooms unless they’re about to have class, in which case you’ll have to move. But otherwise, they are very empty.

The Mabee Legal Information Center (law library) - Everyone is here to work, and if you’re not, the peer pressure of everyone else working will certainly motivate you.

There are many places students can choose to study at TU.

Modern Chemistry’s album comes out on September 23.

courtesy @modernchemistry on Instagram

If you like to have people around for white noise, here are some ideas.

The basement of Keplinger - There is some foot traffic as people go to class or meet with professors, but students are typically respectful and aren’t too distracting.

The other people sitting around you studying can also act as a motivator to continue working.

Upstairs in Stephenson, Rayzor or Helmrich Hall - They’re decently quiet places, but people will often work on projects together, so there can be light conversation happening around you. It isn’t a noise-free zone, but the students there aren’t bothersome.

Then, there are some places that definitely aren’t ideal, but you can give them a try.

Your lecture right before the exam - I feel like this is self explanatory.

Allen Chapman Student Union (ACSU)

during lunch - It can be okay if you’re upstairs and can really ignore noise, but be prepared not to get a lot done.

Your dorm room - This may be a little controversial, but studying where you’re supposed to relax is incredibly difficult. I always find myself saying, “Oh, I’ll just take a five minute break,” and then five becomes 45 and I wonder why I didn’t finish everything I wanted to.

All in all, where you study is really about what works best for you, and these are just some suggestions. It doesn’t really matter where you study, just that some environments are better than others. It’s best to get into good study habits early, otherwise it can be hard to recover in a class you choose to slack off in the first couple of weeks. Good luck to everyone and hopefully this is a great semester!

courtesy utulsa.edu

Variety

September 5, 2022

The Collegian: 7

“The Rings of Power” is overrated and too expensive The new “The Lord of the Rings” series is not living up to its predecessors.

Zach Sabel Student Writer The highly anticipated new “Lord of The Rings” show has now debuted, dropping its first two episodes on Sept.1. The series takes place in Middle-Earth’s second age, which puts it thousands of years before the events of “The Hobbit.” So far, general consensus has been pretty good from critics and fans alike, even with the storm of unwarranted criticism in regard to the diverse casting, with many anonymous users online

complaining about non-white Elves and dwarves seen in the trailer.

The story mainly centers around Galadriel, with whom fans of the books and films will be familiar. This is a much younger Galadriel, one who is focused on snuffing out what she feels is a looming evil before it gains too much of a foothold in MiddleEarth. Other stories intertwine with this, such as Elrond’s journey to enlist the help of an old friend at the dwarven stronghold of Khazad-dûm, the elven ranger Arondir’s investigation of a mysterious incident in a human town, and (what i consider the best storyline of the first two episodes) the Harfoot Nori’s helping a mysterious look man who has fallen from the sky.

courtesy wikicommons “The Rings of Power” takes place before the events of “The Lord of the Rings” and “The Hobbit.”

The fact there were so many stories to describe, however, is one of my first gripes with the show itself. It’s a sort of “too many cooks” situation, with many stories that can feel overwhelming or, in most cases, underwhelming to follow. A majority of the show so far is simply two people talking, with very little of the action or adventure that so many love about Tolkien’s world. I think this is why I’ve enjoyed the Harfoot storyline so much more than the others. It actually feels like a compelling story and interesting start to an adventure with a wellstruck balance of comedy and drama as Nori and her friend go against the traditions of their people. On the other hand, Galadriel, who seems intended to be the main focus of the show, comes off as rude and unlikeable through the first two episodes.

Hopefully this changes as the show progresses, but I’m not hopeful it will. She comes off as overdramatic at times. Elrond’s story is okay and seems like it could really be fun as it progresses;the chemistry between him and the dwarves with whom he interacts is clear and easy to notice. Arondir the elven ranger, on the other hand, feels way too understated compared to the other characters. He plays an elf as if he were a Vulcan in “Star Trek”. He shows very little if any emotion in situations that most certainly warrant an emotional response from

him, which is unfortunate because the actual meat of his story seems really interesting. I still find myself interested in where the storyline will go.

There is also quite a bit of suspect acting throughout the show, and while the visuals and camera work are stunning and absolutely top notch, I wonder where all of the $60 million budget per episode went. There are definitely scenes that don’t look as good as I think they could, but the action where it is sparingly applied is very good. The orcs in the show look fantastic, and the brief look we get of the dark lord Sauron shows an epically evil character that I hope we get to see more of near the end of the first season.

Since the show is just beginning, I will give it the benefit of the doubt as it ramps up that things will hopefully get ironed out, but as it stands I can’t really recommend the show unless you are an absolute die-hard “Lord of The Rings” novels fan. This is an important distinction, as I think those who are mainly fans of the Peter Jackson films will strongly dislike much of the series as these are very different actors and interpretations of the characters they love like Elrond and Galadriel. I’m certainly rooting for the series to get better as it goes on, but what I’ve seen worries me for the future of Tolkein adaptations.

“Three Thousand Years of Longing” leaves mixed feelings

New film “Three Thousand Years of Longing” leaves viewers both captivated and underwhelmed.

Ali Ghazimoradi Student Writer Director of “Happy Feet” and the “Mad Max” series, George Miller added to his mismatched cinematic tableau with “Three Thousand Years of Longing.” An immediate sense of maturity might come over the viewer as they realize this is not an exciting, trailer-making experience but instead an adult fairy tale with a story about stories.

Idris Elba portrays a Djinn (non anglicized genie) released by Tilda Swinton’s character, a solitary narratologist. She’s unwilling to make the three wishes necessary to free the Djinn, knowing of the consequences that comes from every three wishes story and lacking desire herself. With the goal of sparking her desire, the Djinn tells the story of his captivity, really stories of desire, that span three thousand years.

The film realizes a fantastic feat in being something so different. There are so many weird and bizarre oddities that are not explained what they are or why they are there; instead, they just serve the purpose of adding to the magical world. To give an idea,

The Collegian team views and reviews a movie while getting uproariously drunk.

Note: All participants in the production of this article are either of legal drinking age or did not consume alcohol. Disparity in coherent prose should make as much evident.

Kyle: This movie is a critique of industrialism. I think. None of us are watching this movie. It might also be an allegory for the Holocaust. Is this movie for children? I don’t understand this movie. Is it trying to compare eating meat with genocide? I’m really confused and a little disturbed. Also why are they all British? This is an incredibly confusing political argument. Is this communist now? What happened?

Jalen: Poultry in motion. If you’re not vegan don’t watch it.

Hayley: The only thing I remember from the last two hours is when Zach said that the older women on tinder age like fine wine.

Also, the circumference of the chickens’ thighs rival Greninja’s.

Zach: They say it’s a chicken farm, but all I saw were sheep. I’ve never seen a stronger case for collective action, unity, and camaraderie in my life. If you know the character Babs, then you know the lie that perpetuates the super structure. If not for the lie of liberal ideology and democracy, the eyes of the working class would open and, in bloody revolution, we would kill the capi-

the first story focuses on the Queen of Sheba (kin to the Djinn). King Solomon arrives to wed her, performing from a singing cello.

The next story follows the Djinn to Suleiman the Magnificent’s court.

as if the title were being shown followed by “years later.” Messaging about anti-bigotry and cultural appreciation along with the 2020 pandemic during this act is coy but cluttering.

“You might have heard good writing reveals something about yourself; ‘Three Thousand Years’ portrays a different perspective.”

I was captivated. At times, shots are beautiful like a painting and punctuate the whole scene. The strong narrative and elements of magical realism feel like a novel, but the cinematic elements pale in comparison. The performance of the two leads, and really the only characters, feels underwhelming. I would rather read some of Elba’s lines than hear him perform them. This is a problem because he is the narrator for most of the movie. The third act takes place in the real world and completes the romance this film is supposed to be. I’m conflicted; on one hand, the romance is weak and could not carry its own narrative, but on the other, much of the commentary on the role of storytelling comes from this section. With no doubt, I think the film experience falls apart here. Nearly every scene ends with a cut to black successfully faking out an ending. The most egregious case was the word “three,”

talist oppression of these moneyed pigdogs and start society over with the working class claiming right to the means of production, to the fruits of their labor. The chickens feel alienated from their egg laying. Just as we may feel alienated from our mundane occupations.

Religion is the opiate of the masses. Read kyle’s satire article. Wake up sheep.

Zach out.

Kyle: On second thought I can get behind that. I do appreciate a good old fashioned working class revolution. I am craving a chicken pot pie for some reason though. I love how tasty those microwaveable ones are. I really need to buy some of those.

Whose Sam’s Club card can I steal?

Madison: You know, I feel like I watched this movie as a child, but I honestly have no recollection of anything that happened in the film. I will say I was super distrubed by the scene where Edwina gets her head chopped off with an ax. As our friend Stasha said, that was not called for because they could’ve wrung her neck. It seems the film just wanted to go with a more dramatic scene. Also, can we talk about Mel Gibson’s role in this film? He plays the Yankee chicken trying to help all the hens on the farm. This movie is clearly a commentary on WWII and the Holocaust, so riddle me this. Why would they cast an antisemitic man as the one who helps save the hens? Little messed up.

I left the theater feeling conflicted; the cinematic experience felt lackluster, but I had much to chew on. The film creates a mystery surrounding Swinton’s character, having me question the origin of the Djinn.

The effect was thinking about the role of stories for us as people and what storytelling means for accepting yourself. You might have heard good writing reveals something about yourself; “Three Thousand Years” portrays a different perspective. That it indulges messaging about the bigotry that accompanied the 2020 pandemic and antiimmigration sentiments is noble in intent, but cluttered in practice. To end, this is a tough recommendation to give. Normally, when I really enjoyed a movie I have this immediate feeling afterwards, this case not so much, if at all. Consider watching it if you really enjoy storytelling or have an absolute fix for adult fantasy.

courtesy wikicommons The film was released in August 2022.

The State-Run Media

September 5, 2022

the

State-Run media Democracy dies, but I am really high and the TV is too bright.

Okay, but which religion is right?

A first-year student gets confused as to which campus ministry group they need to join to avoid eternal damnation.

Kyle Garrison Allegedly responsible for the next crusades.

Picture this: walking by yourself, minding your own goddamn business, trying to walk to the Allen Chapman Student Union when suddenly, a saint appears. This delegate of all that is holy pronounces: “Do you want the smallest possible sample of Gatorade? And also, the Lord?” I, for one, have had this experience many times, and whether it is a person with a “free conversation” sign, or a person trying to exchange energy drinks for a moment of your time, one question always arises: which group do I need to join to avoid an afterlife of endless suffering?

To investigate this, I interviewed a firstyear student who wished to remain anonymous for fear of divine judgment. Let us call them Jeb. Jeb, a virgin, untouched by sin, with a Rice Purity score over 90, started college in these strange times to educate himself, not academically per se, but spiritually, as we all strive to do. They were, however, struck by the sheer number of different denominations, religions and cults on campus (looking at you, two-step club). They dejectedly admitted, “I can’t remember if my Peer Mentor told me BCM, Wesley, the Newman Center, RUF or which of the other numerous religious groups is the one road to salvation.

I know she told me, but surely it is written

Aries — You will find lasting happiness. It will, however, be in some form of substance addiction, so choose your substance wisely.

Taurus — You should avoid Keplinger Hall. Nothing unusually horrible will happen if you do. Just the normal bullshit.

down somewhere in the student handbook they gave out at matriculation or something.”

The various rivalries and crusades between the different groups make it even more challenging to determine which sect holds the most truth. Jeb recounts, “to make matters more confusing, every single campus ministry group has varying opinions on all the other groups. One time a man from RUF told me that he wasn’t sure about those Catholics, but those bastards in BCM are definitely going straight to hell.” Later, when Jeb was trying to eat by themself in ACSU, a representative from BCM explained to them, “as long as you eat at Chick-fil-A, you are pure in the eyes of the lord.” Understandably, this has led to much confusion to many first-year students, not just our beloved (in a platonic way) Jeb.

graphic by Kyle Garrison

How can we, as an esteemed Baptist university (wait, which denomination are we again?), truly take our motto of “be fruitful and multiply” seriously? As an administrator who definitely reads this paper, you might be asking: “what could be done to solve this problem?” Well, I will tell you. You have two options. One: make sure every single student knows they will be going to hell regardless of religious affiliation because they are attending a private university. Two: mandate Mormonism. I will not elaborate on the latter of the solutions.

As your resident Autotheistic Atheist, I can only really end this by saying there is no way to know who is right, except the Catholics. They are definitely right.

Student guide to using crystals the right way Local crystal girl shares her expertise because your aura is seriously fucked up.

Shelby Hiens Started a sage-burning based pyramid scheme.

If you’re looking for love this semester, ditch Tinder and stop stalking coffee shop patrons. You’ve “accidentally” spilled scalding hot coffee on enough people and are running out of coffee shops that you aren’t banned from. Just keep some rose quartz in your pocket at all times and your soulmate will fall directly into your lap at any given moment. They don’t know it yet, but you were meant to be together.

Black tourmaline is great to have on hand if you’re worried that your enemies are out to get you. Walking across campus alone after dark? Ward off those pesky frat boys and nightcrawlers by waving your black tourmaline around and chanting “the power of Christ compels you!” Of course, if you forgot to charge your crystals that day and the power is running low, you can chuck them at your stalker’s head and make a run for it.

When finals come around and good hygiene starts taking a backseat to studying and power naps, use selenite to cleanse your aura of all the negative energy and bad vibes you’re getting from your angry peers and sadistic professors. Draw out the stress before it makes your acne worse and cure the depression before you actually drop out of college this time or jump out of that third story window you keep eyeing. It won’t help with the smell you’ll have accrued from not showering for a week, but hopefully you can find some inner peace–until grades are posted.

Feeling unlucky and failing every test?

Fuck studying, who has the motivation for that? Carry jade to your classes and intrinsically know every answer to that quiz you intentionally did not prepare for. It’s not cheating, the universe is throwing you a bone. Imposter syndrome is real and thriving, stop trying so hard for mediocre scores.

Since you’ve probably failed your first quiz by now — yeah that’s right, I’m talk-

ing to you STEM majors — use an amethyst crystal to heal your grief and use it again after your parents finish calling you a failure over the phone. It’s okay to cry, amethyst feeds on tears (and so does Keplinger). Wear this stone around your neck for protection against whatever TU throws at you, because Campo doesn’t care that your bike was stolen and they don’t care about your damned mental health, so stop asking.

If you’re having trouble focusing no matter where you end up studying, keep a fluorite crystal by your side to enhance your mental abilities and get rid of that annoying ADHD paralysis. If you still can’t study with fluorite, there is no hope for you, so get out before a Student Success Coach convinces you that you’re doing great and definitely not wasting $65 thousand a year.

Gemini — You will uncover a nefarious plot of the US government which is going to [redacted].

Cancer — You will have a great month. Lucky bastard.

Leo — Pretty much just anxiety and a budding alcohol dependence.

Virgo — Happy birthday. The inevitable passage of time will be of little concern to you as you will be injured by a rogue Lime scooter in the next few days.

Also, the Caf will give you food poisoning.

Libra — You will have an epiphany which will solve the problem you have spent so much time ruminating over. You will realize that you can simply manifest positive energy and all your problems will go away. Also, it helps that you are wealthy, white, straight and a piece of shit.

Scorpio — The Caf will give you food poisoning. Actually this one applies to all of the signs.

Sagittarius — Joseph Robinette Biden II will show up at your dorm in two weeks time. He heard you talking shit.

Capricorn — Some new catastrophic and depressing news story will make you think “damn, that sucks,” before you go back to your day uninterrupted.

Aquarius — All work and no play will make you a dull boy.

By that I mean you will have too much homework. Also, you will get frozen in a blizzard in the Rocky mountains.

Pisces ­— As an omniscient horoscope, I know every single digit of your social security number.

What are you going to do about it? Are you scared? horoscopes by Kyle Garrison

graphic by Kyle Garrison

graphic by Kyle Garrison