16 January 2023

Food robots: a capitalist ploy? p. 4 Women’s basketball a force to be reckoned with, p. 2 Classified documents creating headache for Biden, p. 3 “1776” production proceeds despite threats, p. 5 TU releases annual budget, p. 6

Sports

The Collegian: 2

January 16, 2023

TU women’s basketball starts season strong

Sports editor Callie Hummel gives an update on the season so far.

Tulsa women’s basketball has grown exponentially in just two seasons after a head coach change in April of 2021 to Angie Nelp, and they continue to show their improvement with every game.

Prior to Nelp’s arrival at Tulsa, the team had not seen a winning season since 20142015. They ended their 2020-2021 season on an eight-game losing streak with a 4-13 conference record. With the help of Nelp,

now sit with a 14-3 record and are undefeated in the American Athletic Conference (AAC) with a 4-0 record. To get this position in their conference, they recorded wins against East Carolina, Wichita State, UCF and Houston.

Their matchup against Houston was the most recent of their games, played at home on Jan. 14. Although the teams remained extremely close throughout the entirety of

“...the program has quickly become one of the most successful teams at The University of Tulsa.” her newly appointed coaches, and the new group of recruits the team acquired, the program has quickly become one of the most successful teams at The University of Tulsa.

Last season, the team amassed a 17-11 record and is continuing to improve from this number in their current season. They

the game, Tulsa stayed ahead and eventually won the game 70-68.

Winning this game was a major success for Tulsa. Houston was a team they struggled to beat last season, always coming up a few points shy. In their final game against Houston last season, the final score was

64-65. Pulling through and taking the win against Houston shows how the team has improved between seasons, possibly foreshadowing the coming wins against other teams they had previously been unable to beat.

This win also allowed them to tie the school record for most consecutive home games won, with 10 straight so far. Tulsa has won every single game played at home this season. Their next home game, and their opportunity to beat the record, will come on Jan. 25 against South Florida. Similar to Houston, Tulsa came up just shy of winning against South Florida last season with a final score of 63-66.

Tying the school record for home games won isn’t the only notable achievement by the women’s basketball team this season.

During their Jan. 7 game against UCF, fifthyear guard Maya Mayberry shot a threepointer that allowed her to surpass 1,500 career points. Mayberry has been an integral part of the team’s success with her prolific

scoring every season. She was able to return for a fifth year because of the NCAA’s extra year of eligibility due to the COVID-19 pandemic.

In an interview after their UCF game, Coach Nelp stated “The teamwork we have is unbreakable.” In college sports, it can be hard to get into a rhythm with a team as there are always players leaving and new ones arriving. Tulsa has standout upperclassmen, but the team is younger than most others. Out of the five starters, Bittle, Crawford, Mayberry, Poindexter and Young, only Mayberry and Bittle are seniors while the other three women are freshmen or sophomores.

Having a generally younger team that already has so much success and a head coach that seems to have had a momentous impact on the program suggests longevity to their achievements.

Photos by Callie Hummel

Jan. 16 - Jan. 22 Monday

Tuesday 16

Wednesday 17

Thursday

18

Friday

Saturday 20

19

21

Sunday 22

Track & Field

Track & Field

Larry Wieczorek Inv.

All day

W Tennis vs. OK State 12:00 p.m.

Larry Wieczorek Inv.

M Tennis Allen Morris Inv. All day

W Basketball @ Temple 6:00 p.m.

M Basketball vs. SMU 7:00 p.m.

none

M Tennis vs. Bryant 10:00 a.m.

M Tennis vs. Montana State 6:00 p.m.

All day

W Tennis vs Wyoming TBA

W Basketball W Tennis @Tulane vs Louisiana Tech 2:00 p.m.

TBA M Basketball vs. Tulane 7:00 p.m.

News

January 16, 2023

The Collegian: 3

New speaker of the house elected after 14 failed votes House rebels finally gave in and elected Kevin McCarthy.

Victoria Grossman Student Writer After 15 rounds of voting and countless concessions, California Representative Kevin McCarthy (R) was finally elected Speaker of the House. The position (previously held by California Democrat Nancy Pelosi) is typically awarded to the leader of the majority party. McCarthy, having previously served as House Minority Leader, was set to take over as speaker in the new term.

However, a few far-right hold-outs prevented McCarthy from gaining a majority in the first 14 rounds. The rebels included Matt Gaetz and Lauren Boebert, two of the more inflammatory members of the current Congress. However, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Jim Jordan, who frequently align themselves with many of the dissenters, were both staunch McCarthy supporters during voting. Of these original 20 dissenters, 19 were associated with the House Freedom Caucus, a far-right group of representatives.

Many of these “Never Kevins” cite an unsatisfactory rules package as the reason for their refusal to vote for him. However, Oklahoma’s newest Senator and McCarthy supporter Markwayne Mullin theorized on Fox News that these controversial representatives were seeking time in the limelight. Those believing the theory point to a video captured on the House floor during voting. During the 12th round of voting, Matt Rosendale of Montana cast his vote for “Kevin… Hern” before retreating to his seat with a smirk. It is this display, coupled with the fact that the dissenters appeared to not have a legitimate alternative to McCarthy, that points to spectacle over principle.

As voting wore on, several Republicans received votes from the rebels. Votes were cast in favor of McCarthy supporters Jordan, Byron Donalds, Andy Biggs, nonHouse member Donald Trump, and Oklahoma’s Hern. During the 11th round of voting, Hern received seven votes, the fourth most votes received in that round. Hern himself voted for McCarthy in every vote.

day. The House took a vote to recess, which appeared to pass, until some sort of watershed moment occurred between the dissenters and McCarthy advocates.

Many House Republicans changed their votes from “yea” to “nay”, leading until another vote. Finally, McCarthy won the vote, ending with 216 votes to Democrat Hakeem Jeffries’ 212. McCarthy was able

“... a few far-right hold-outs prevented McCarthy from gaining a majority in the first 14 rounds.”

Finally, at the end of the night on Friday, Jan. 6, it appeared that McCarthy might have finally had the votes. The House had been in recess all afternoon, so that Republicans could negotiate the rules package to end the madness. McCarthy appeared very confident that he had the votes heading into the 14th round, but a shocking vote of “present” by Gaetz ended these hopes. Following the 14th round, McCarthy stood up and bee-lined for Gaetz, seemingly distraught over his vote. Soon, a large group gathered around Gaetz, seated next to ally Lauren Boebert. Many Republicans appeared to be expressing anger at Gaetz, including Alabama Representative Mike Rogers, who had to be physically restrained.

Notably, McCarthy did not need to persuade any more House Republicans to vote for him. He could have simply convinced them to vote “present” instead of for a candidate, because this brings down the overall number needed for a majority. For example, if every member of the House were voting for a candidate, McCarthy would have needed 218 votes. However, if anyone voted “present” instead, he would have needed 217.

According to reports from the House floor, Gaetz wanted to recess until Mon-

to win with fewer than 218 votes as a result of six Republican members voting “present”.

Despite the apparent chaos on the Republican side, Democrats remained in staunch support of Jeffries, the new leader of House Democrats. He rewarded this support by giving a rousing speech about the differences between Democrats and Republicans before handing off the gavel to newly elected Speaker McCarthy.

Most of McCarthy’s concessions have to do with the new rules package, including making it easier to oust the Speaker. Despite the shocking display of infighting the nation beheld during the Speaker vote, McCarthy seems optimistic that the House Republicans will be able to accomplish their agenda in the coming term.

courtesy wikimedia commons McCarthy holding the gavel after the fifteenth vote went through for house speaker.

Classified documents found in Biden’s Delaware home Five classified documents have been found in Biden’s residence in Delaware and he now faces an investigation from the DOJ. Erika Brock News Editor There have been multiple instances of classified documents found in President Joe Biden’s Delaware home and Washington, D.C. office. Most recently, five more pages were announced on Saturday to have been found in his place of residence on Jan. 12.

Biden now faces a Department of Justice (DOJ) investigation led by former Justice Department official Robert Hurr, who was appointed to lead this probe by Attorney General Merrick Garland on Jan. 12.

This initial investigation by the DOJ was caused by an announcement from the White House that classified documents had been found at Biden’s personal office a week before the midterm elections in November. So far, reports are that Biden and his lawyers have been cooperative with the DOJ and Hurr.

Originally, documents were found in Biden’s office and they were discovered in a locked closet just before the midterm elections as Biden moved offices. They were promptly turned over to the National Archives, as required by law. Then, on Nov. 4, the DOJ was

informed of the discovery and appointed an attorney to oversee the assessment of the materials. Again, on Dec. 20, more documents were found, reported and submitted. Most recently, on Jan. 11, Biden’s attorney found another document at Biden’s home and turned it over to the government.

While the White House may be cooperating, they are not very open with what is happening currently with the documents to the public. According to Biden’s personal attorneys, they are working to be as transparent as possible, but still maintain the investigation’s integrity by revealing to the public information on a need-to-know basis.

“... these documents predate Biden’s term as president and are from when he was vice president...”

The review was deemed closed after this supposed final document was handed over and everything appeared to have been turned in, but then on Thursday, Jan. 12, five more pages were found in Biden’s home by Richard Sauber, a White House lawyer; officials are working to hand them over and the investigation is reopened.

The White House lawyers are confident that the DOJ investigation and Hurr review will prove that the documents were “inadvertently misplaced, and the president and his lawyers acted promptly upon the discovery of this mistake,” Sauber said in a statement.

Biden is making claims that these documents were misplaced accidentally and is planning to cooperate with officials and the DOJ as the investigations and reviews are underway. The White House says that Biden does not know the contents of the documents found in his home.

Biden will continue to cooperatate with officials as the investigation continues.

courtesy wikimedia commons

Bob Bauer made a statement to CNBC, saying, “adhering to this process means that any disclosure regarding documents cannot be conclusive until the government has conducted its inquiry, including taking possession of any documents and reviewing any surrounding material for further review and context.”

Because they are classified documents, no one knows exactly what they contain, the only information news sources have been provided

with is that these documents predate Biden’s term as president and are from when he was the vice president under former President Barack Obama.

Due to the reason for the investigation, critics have begun calling Biden a hypocrite. The newly elected Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy is claiming that there is a double standard between Biden’s treatment during this investigation and the Mar-a-Lago raid of former President Donald Trump’s residence where nearly 200 classified documents were found.

There are some key differences between this search and Trump’s. Biden has been willingly handing over documents to the National Archives as they are found and is cooperating with authorities to answer their questions, whereas Trump ignored the requests from the National Archives for the documents and resisted investigation.

The investigation will be an ongoing one and information will be released as it is learned.

Commentary

Be cautious of the future

The Collegian: 4

Food robots may seem like a wonderful convenience, but they may hide a more sinister purpose.

Zach Short Editor-in-Chief Anyone who has set foot on The University of Tulsa’s campus in the last months has no doubt encountered the new food robots.

They stand at attention in front of Pat Case and frequently form a phalanx by the Student Union, waiting to receive their orders.

And TU is not alone in this investment: college campi across the nation have added the machines to the list of conveniences they offer. But there wasn’t really a need to keep people from walking across campus to grab a meal. TU has a small and well-organized campus where, for the most part, no one has to walk more than 10 minutes to reach their food destination. And of course, it can provide a new convenience for those of a different level of mobility, but one look at Phillips Hall says this couldn’t have been the priority. The real explanation lies in a bit of business.

Despite the non-profit label, TU is a business. This isn’t a good or bad thing, but it’s the truth. Hundreds upon hundreds of people arrive on campus each day not as a student but as an employee. This includes the faculty that teach courses, the people that keep the Student Union going and the administrators of whom no student will ever meet the majority. It takes a lot to balance a budget with that many people expecting a paycheck, and the university has struggled with it in the recent past. To his credit, President Brad Carson seems to have the budget less precariously situated, but at the same time, cuts have come for many across campus — including The Collegian. The university is a business, and a business always shoots to increase production and minimize costs.

But something as innocuous as food robots couldn’t possibly play a part in some grander scheme. Or maybe they could. If a person working on campus wanted to take their lunch and didn’t bring anything with them, they could take a break to grab their food. Simple. They might walk across campus to Subway or they might get in their car and drive to a Wendy’s just as easily as they might eat there or take it back to an office, depending on how much time they feel they have. But sometimes work piles up, and people feel busy. Food robots provide a convenient way to grab lunch without hardly ever stepping away from a desk.

Outside of the 90 seconds or so it takes to leave the office, grab the food and return to work, a person could work pretty well nonstop, eating while they continue whatever project. As work continues to accumulate, and maybe as job roles expand to include

more assignments, this becomes easier and easier to do. Or maybe a late night at the office occurs from time to time. Instead of having to make it home for dinner, it seems mighty doable to crank out that last task when one doesn’t even have to leave to eat.

All of a sudden, people find it easier to skip lunch breaks and stay later, which becomes a convenient practice for the university with salaried employees whose clocked hours make no difference.

And sure, this does all seem a bit much — a mountain out of a molehill. Except it has already been happening for years.

Silicon Valley has become notorious for these practices. Places like Google, whose headquarters has fitness classes and juice bars, offer seemingly limitless amenities to make work seem relaxed and fun. It’s such a soothing atmosphere, a 12 hour day flies by. Corporate law offices often do the same

TU partnered with Starship Technologies to bring 15 food robots onto campus on Dec. 5.

January 16, 2023

thing. If you find yourself working with the best of the best, you might also enjoy your breakfast and lunch at the office at a price cheaper than the cost because some firms subsidize their on-site meals. The concept of providing amenities at work to make it seem less and less leavable is not new nor is it exclusive to TU or even universities for that matter.

In any case, one should absolutely enjoy the food robots whenever they like. Staying somewhere to work on homework is a bit different than staying to keep at a job, and maybe after a few drinks with friends a food delivery might seem the best option. These robots hold no inherent evil, but one should still be aware of the circumstances that make them a good investment. Use them when you’d like, but by God, take a break from your job to get lunch.

Photo by Celeste McAtee

Fusion power is a long way off despite breakthrough

Fusion research proves it could become our next main energy source in the future, though not anytime soon.

Dominic Cingoranelli Student Writer Don’t get your hopes up too much. Last December, an important step in making fusion power a reality was achieved — but that doesn’t mean that fusion is right around the corner. Although this was the first time a man-made fusion experiment produced more energy than it consumed, it was done using a complicated, expensive and difficult-to-scale setup. We might see fusion energy within our lifetimes, but it probably isn’t right around the corner.

were able to superheat a capsule containing hydrogen isotopes to achieve fusion ignition — i.e. to produce more energy (3.15 MJ, or 875 Watt-hours) than the lasers consumed (2.05 MJ, or about 570 Watt-hours).

However, before fusion becomes viable for large-scale energy generation, there are myriad challenges to overcome.

Actually harnessing that energy doesn’t seem like it would be too much of a problem — just boil some water to spin a turbine. However, some energy loss would take place. In order to be feasible as a power plant, a fusion reactor would need to be able to operate unimpeded for days at a time. To put that into context, the experiment which produced fusion ignition lasted for a fraction of a second and only occurred under precisely-controlled laboratory conditions, using a gargantuan laser array targeted at a cryogenically cooled chunk of deuterium and tritium about a millimeter in diameter.

It is also worth noting that although the energy produced by fusion exceeded the energy consumed by the lasers, this does not include the energy consumed by the environmental controls in the experiment or the electricity consumed by the building as part of normal day-to-day operations. Scaling this experiment up one-to-one so that it produces energy in the megawatt range would create challenges with laser amplification, cooling, etc. which we haven’t even begun

courtesy wikimedia commons Wide-scale implementation of this experiment is still decades away with many obstacles ahead.

Fusion has a reputation for having been “30 years away for the last 70” and although this is an important milestone, it’s far from the first and it won’t be the last before the technology is ready to produce energy. Fu-

we haven’t even discovered yet — and placing our hopes in fusion power, if anything, could detract from more practical and readily-available methods that we could use to wean ourselves off of fossil fuels, like

“Fusion has a reputation for having been ‘30 years away for the last 70’ and although this is an important milestone, it’s far from the first and it won’t be the last ...”

The Lawrence Livermore National Ignition Facility (NIF) in California, the site of the breakthrough, is essentially a giant laser amplifier. By using some of the largest and most powerful lasers ever constructed, they

to address. To replicate this experiment, design and build a demonstration reactor and then begin wide-scale implementation of fusion power would take decades at least, if we are being optimistic.

sion is sometimes seen as a “silver bullet” that would effectively solve global energy problems, but if the history of nuclear fusion research is any indication, then there are barriers to practical fusion power that

The California-based laboratory achieved fusion ignition that expelled more energy than the lasers consumed last December.

light-water reactors (LWRs). Although this is an important development and perhaps one which could attract some more attention (and investment) to the hurdles ahead, fusion could be 30 years away for another 70.

courtesy wikimedia commons

January 16, 2023

Variety

The Collegian: 5

Theatre Tulsa’s production of 1776 triumphs despite opposition The Collegian had the chance to speak with MaKayla Baxter — Edward Rutledge in the production — about the intense backlash the musical has faced and the power of theater.

Maddie Walters Managing Editor Theatre Tulsa’s highly anticipated production of “1776” opened this past weekend despite the numerous threats of violence to the cast and creative minds behind the production. In this reimagined version of the famous musical, Theatre Tulsa’s production stars an all female and non-binary cast. Tulsa Performing Arts Center describes the musical: “It’s the summer of “1776,” and the nation is ready to declare independence... if only the Congress can agree to it! Witness the birth of a nation with our all-female and non-binary cast of founding ‘fathers.’”

A now-viral post on the production from FOX23 News has thousands of comments filled with prejudicial hate from Facebook users, many of whom confess in their comment(s) they have little to no prior knowledge of musical theater or the production itself. The production has even received numerous death threats, causing Theatre Tulsa to implement stricter safety precautions.

The Collegian spoke with MaKayla Baxter who plays Edward Rutledge — the youngest signatory of the Declaration of Independence — in this production running until Jan. 29. She talked to us about her excitement for this production, the backlash and much more.

What excites you most about this production of “1776?”

There are so many aspects of our production that excite me, but one thing I find particularly interesting is the way the ensemble dynamic changes when women and non-binary actors portray these iconic figures. When ‘traditionally’ cast, the majority of “1776” takes place in a single room where the most powerful men from each colony engage in open debate over several issues that will dictate our country’s future. There are very few instances of women being depicted as having that kind of innate, unquestionable power and influence in the theater canon (especially in musical theater), and, of course, we have never had a congress made up entirely of women in real life.

We have seen the journey toward American independence portrayed numerous times with men, since it is historically accurate and, frankly, all we know.

However, switching it up can force us to pay closer attention to the struggles, triumphs, and failures these figures faced.

We were told to bring the souls of these figures to the forefront of our performance and to portray them as if the audience has no prior idea of who they were or what they accomplished. This concept greatly complements the text and creates an exquisitely engaging performance.

Having run the show multiple times and knowing how the story ends, I still find myself wondering, mid-show, how Adams, Franklin, and Jefferson will ever possibly achieve a unanimous vote on American independence.

disappointed by the fact that we have received death threats and other threats of targeted violence over this show. No expression of art deserves those kinds of threats, but I am especially surprised that this show, out of all musicals, is receiving this kind of attention. Although this is the first production of its kind in Oklahoma, people have been producing “1776” with nontraditional casting choices, including all-female casts, for decades. Nothing in the script has been changed or altered whatsoever, and we have worked tirelessly to research these figures in a distinct effort not to make a mockery of them or turn them into caricatures, just as we would while portraying any other historical figure.

Many stagings of classic musicals share this idea. Just as we’ve done with

“The production has even received numerous death threats, causing Theatre Tulsa to implement stricter safety precautions.”

It is also just exciting to be able to play a truly powerful character. As a female performing artist, I have played multiple roles in my career, but not once have I ever been able to play a role that is not under the authority of another character in some way, shape, or form. It’s such a freeing, empowering feeling, and I know many in the cast feel the same way. One line the conservative delegates sing in the show always stands out to me: “Come ye cool, cool conservative men, our like may never ever be seen again.

We have land, cash in hand, self-command, future planned. Fortune thrives, society survives in neatly ordered lives, with well-endowered wives.”

Although that song is filled with irony, it fascinates me how, in this production, I am the one onstage singing these lines, but if I do this show again playing Martha Jefferson or Abigail Adams, the only two canonically-female roles in the show, the male cast will be onstage singing this line, while I will be sitting backstage for 90% of the show.

Shakespeare, operas, and Greek tragedies, human beings are always drawn toward finding new, engaging ways of presenting beloved works. That doesn’t mean traditional stagings cannot or should not exist, just that we are doing what we have always done and always will do: finding new ways of expressing ourselves through art.

It has been incredibly inspiring to see the outpouring of love and support from our community throughout all of this.

People from all across the country, and even the world, have sent us words of encouragement and shared our story. I am so thankful for them and each and every person in the audience every night.

What are you most proud of about this production?

I am incredibly proud of our cast, crew, orchestra, and creative team. We have faced so much hatred and many trials throughout this process that were out of our control, but we have still managed not only to create one of the absolute best shows I have ever seen in this city but also to build a magnificently strong bond, unlike any other production I have ever been a part of. Although we all come from different backgrounds and walks of life, we continually lift each other up and genuinely take care of one another. The best part for our audiences is that the electrifying synergy we have created offstage has followed us onstage, creating something truly beautiful, exquisite, and simply delightful.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Tickets are available at the box office and online.

What has the backlash to this production been like?

Art is divisive and inherently subjective. People will always disagree with the art being created around them, and that is perfectly fine.

I am not speaking on behalf of the theatre company and this is all just my opinion, but I am not shocked, but very

MaKayla Baxter (left) plays Edward Rutledge in the production.

courtesy @TheatreTulsa on Instagram

Van Full of Nuns bring Pop Punk Nite to Cain’s Ballroom The historic Cain’s Ballroom played host to a night full of punk and emo music from As the City Sleeps, House Parties and Van Full of Nuns.

Maddie Walters Managing Editor Van Full of Nuns wowed the venue with their powerful covers from bands such as My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, Blink-182, Taking Back Sunday and more.

The highlight of the performance came when a member from one of the bands climbed atop an inflatable raft and surfed the crowd. With enough variety to please everyone in the audience, the band offered a fun night filled with punk and emo classics.

Photos by Maddie Walters

The State-Run Media

January 16, 2023

the

State-Run media Support local businesses, but mainly the Collegian

New Year, New TYou!

Aquarius: Eat your vegetables this week. Don’t answer the phone. Embrace questionable fashion trends like denim on denim, socks with sandals and tights under shorts. The universe is testing you, Aquarius, don’t crack under the pressure.

Wear the socks and the sandals with the utmost pride.

Pisces: You’ve been a little unsure of what to do with yourself this week, Pisces. The options in front of you seem to extend beyond your reach, and you’re not sure where to start. How about with a list of do’s and don’ts? Do: jazz music, freshly squeezed fruit juice and driving in the fast lane. Don’t: cold calls, second dates and following the smell.

Aries: Aries! You’ve been telling yourself that you’re going to get the courage for something for a long time now. This week is the week. Do all of it. Don’t hesitate. It’s not over until you say it’s over. Take risks, make messes, and make mistakes.

Live, laugh and love. Don’t listen to the haters, Aries, they are your motivators.

Finally, a pie chart as readable as Max Weber

TU releases their much anticipated yearly budget breakdown.

Margaret Laprarie Local morally sound accounting major Finally! The yearly budget breakdown has been released from the cold, dead hands of whicheveroverpaid-highranking-university-employee-whohas-nothing-to-do-with-education sent it into the ether for TU students to eagerly pour over. Nothing says reign ‘cane like knowing exactly how many quirky campus activities the $2,000 raise in tuition is paying for.

Total budget: Unknown – We may never know!

New head football coach’s salary: $3,000,000,000 – Rumor has it he gets a bonus for every game we win! So they made the starting salary extra high to compensate.

Recruitment of, and tuition for, student athletes: $2,000,000,000 – They are the most important students on campus. Spending thousands on academics? Silly. Let’s spend them on sports instead.

TU students love sports so much that the stadium is sometimes a whole quarter full at every game!!

Recruitment of, and tuition for, student athletes majoring specifically in Sports Management: $1,999,999,999 – A student athlete studying something unrelated to the sport that they play?!

Unheard of. TU does not support this.

Launching the quarterback of the football team from a cannon at the end of every game (even if, and especially when, we lose): $72,000,000 – This hasn’t been implemented yet, but like many things at TU, large amounts of money will be spent on it for the next several years while we all wonder if it will ever actually happen.

Landscaping: $70,000,000 – Nothing says collegiate education like a perfectly trimmed hedge.

Fireworks: $70,000,000 – Nothing says “At least we tried!” like fireworks that go off after a losing game.

Fireworks to launch specifically during the day: $50,000,000 – Can’t see them? Doesn’t matter.

Just one of the many things that TU claims to offer which are nowhere in sight.

Advertising for STEM programs: $50,000,000 Did you guys know that TU is one of the top schools in engineering?? How about CS??? These are actually the only programs they offer. Everyone in the A&S and Business colleges are NPCs. Tissues to dry the tears of every STEM student suffering in the major that they themselves, and no one else, chose: $600,000 – Those poor babies.

Keeping the liberal arts students quiet: $500,000 – Even if they aren’t actually NPCs,

graphic by Kyle Garrison

it’s very important that they appear as such. Their script is limited to “Spring will be here soon,” “Doesn’t the grass look lovely?” and “I should have majored in biology.”

Hiring B-list bands to perform on campus: $500,000 – I don’t know about the rest of you but I have always thought to myself “God, I would love to see the Plain White T’s perform on the New U during a random Friday evening! That would really be worth a $2,000 raise in tuition.”

Shuffling around restaurants in ACSU: $400,000 – It’s time to move the Subway. The feng shui in here is all wrong.

President Carson’s three piece suit fund: $60,000 – Ever seen him wear the same suit twice? Didn’t think so.

Bribing students with food to attend sporting events: $55,000 – You mean to tell me the students of TU are not naturally interested in University sporting events??

Bribing students with TU merch to attend sporting events: $55,000 – They’re not, huh? Maybe this TU branded beanie will convince them otherwise…

Hiring the Human Slinky to perform at basketball games: $50,000 – Go big or go home.

Advertising for the food robots: $50,000 – Have you heard that they can save you time?!

The food robots themselves: $45,000 – Slightly less important than letting everyone know that they exist, and that they can save you time!

Work-study pay: $3,000 – Rumor also has it they may bump the on campus minimum wage to a competitive $7.50 an hour!

Functioning wifi: $100 – We’re doing everything we can to get one of the three networks up and running! Sorry, you’re getting deja vu? That’s because we’ve been saying the same thing for the last four years!

New supplies for art classes: $50 – No one at TU studies art anyway, nevermind the art building, the on campus gallery, the yearly showcase of student artwork, the several adjacent art programs, some of which are the fastest growing majors on campus…

New on-campus housing appliances: $35 – If your on-campus apartment frustrates you that much, go take a walk through TU’s perfectly landscaped campus. Take a deep breath and admire the daytime fireworks. Go off the grid for a minute, it’s not like your phone can connect to the wifi anyway.

Advertising for liberal arts programs: $20 – Sorry, we’re not just a STEM school? We have two other colleges? One of them is arts and sciences? Oh so there are lab rooms in Chapman too, huh? Got it.

Taurus: You’ve been playing the long game Taurus and it’s all about to not pay off. You’ve gotta learn when to give up, and this is the week. Toss any worries about inflation to the wind and invest in your favorite flavor of Ben and Jerry’s, do a bit of online retail therapy and skip exactly two classes. Don’t email your professors to explain why. They will know.

Gemini: You’re in for a wild ride this week, Gemini. It’s going to get better before it gets worse, so don’t be fooled. You may get the urge to open up and be your authentic self this week, don’t pay attention to it. Dishonesty is the best policy. It is not a coincidence that the room falls silent every time you walk in.

Cancer: You know what they say, Cancer. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. You are the gift horse. Everyone tries to walk on you and you let them. Stand your ground this week.

Look everyone else in the mouth and see how they like it.

“Open wide!” is the new “Hello”. Don’t explain, don’t even let them ask. Become the star of the show, Cancer, by any means necessary.

Leo: Get over yourself, Leo. You think you’re the main character, but the show was canceled several seasons ago. Your name has been popping up in many conversations lately, for exclusively bad reasons. Reel it in and take some time to reflect. You can turn it around but you’ll have to challenge yourself. You got this…probably. Some self-doubt may actually be useful in this instance.

Virgo: Virgo! I’m getting nothing for you this week. Seriously I’ve been laying comatose on the Old U every night for at least 22 minutes, trying to read the stars, asking over and over what they have for Virgo and they’ve got goose egg, nadda, zilch, zero. Whatever you’ve been doing, keep doing it. It’s either working so well that not even the universe has advice to offer…or, well, I’ll leave it up to your imagination. Not the way astrology usually works, I know.

Libra: This isn’t you. You’re tired, you’re stressed, your scales are completely off balance. Try lucid dreaming this week. As you sink into a calm and peaceful sleep, imagine you are a bug in a lounge. What kind of bug are you? What instrument are you playing? Perhaps you’re a beetle playing the bass…or a cricket strumming the banjo. Either way, this is the energy you need to channel this week. Trust me.

Scorpio: Oh, Scorpio. You have been causing more havoc than a bull in a china shop. Lucky for you the stars have aligned in your favor, and the drama you have created will work for you instead of against you. But tread lightly Scorpio, you never know what might be lurking around the corner…a pop quiz, a scorned ex, one of the new food robots or something even worse!

Sagittarius: Are you hiding something, Sagittarius? I think you are. The stars are telling me so. They’re also telling me that you need to keep hiding it. Trust no one. Be extra suspicious this week. Question everything. You know what you’ve been hiding, but do you know what everyone else has been hiding? Take some extra time this week to lay low and try to find it.

Capricorn: Capricorn, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to add fuel to every single fire. You’ve been having trouble asserting yourself lately, and this week is the time to turn all of that around. Be brave, be bold, be you. Not sure who you are? Listen to that inner ram, they will guide you. horoscopes by Margaret Laprarie