Massachusetts Daily Collegian: April 1, 2015 - Morning Wood

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Mr. Subbaswamy, Tear down this fence... or don’t

Nickelback to play half-time of all UMass Football games due to popular demand

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THE MASSACHUSETTS

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MORNING WOOD DailyCollegian.com

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Printing way too many papers since 2009

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Subbaswamy unhappy with Super Bowl policy UMass Chancellor reportedly just “wanted to get drunk off of cheap beer” with his friends. By Eddie B and Master Chief Morning Wood Staff Previously classified reports reveal that students weren’t the only people on campus upset with the Super Bowl guest policy decision. According to documents leaked by a University official with knowledge of the situation, University of Massachusetts Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy was livid with the University’s decision to ban all guests to residential halls on Super Bowl Sunday. “This is so f***ing bullshit,” Subbaswamy tweeted from a private Twitter account only hours before kickoff. “I just want to get drunk off of cheap beer with my friends and watch Tom Brady destroy the Seattle Seahawks. I’m not gonna riot. Why does the University have to treat me like an inmate?” the most powerful man on the UMass campus posted on his Facebook page a few minutes later. The report shows that residential life staff wrote up the chancellor after asking that two guests who were hiding under couches leave during cursory room checks.

Eyewitnesses observed Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs and Campus Life Enku Gelaye and UMass Police Chief John Horvath leaving Subbaswamy’s Hillside residence around the same time. “This is complete crap.” Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy allegedly told Gelaye and Horvath. “All my bros came up this weekend to watch the game over here, but now I can’t let a single person inside.” “It’s so unfair that they checked here for guests,” said Subbaswamy in a text message to his wife. “I heard they were only checking rooms in Southwest (Residential Area).” The Morning Wood spoke with Ben Fisher, a sophomore security monitor who works on desk at the Chancellor’s House. “I can’t say I agree with the policy myself, but they told us to keep an eye out for people trying to sneak in and out today.” Fisher told the Morning Wood as he eyed a frustrated, arms-crossed Chancellor who sat two rooms down the hall from Fisher’s desk. Fisher noted an SUV parked outside the Hillside

House with several male individuals lingering around it. “Those are the sort of gatherings we need to take note of to make sure everyone has a UCard and lives in each building when they come through the door.” According to Subbaswamy’s wife, the PhD physicist expressed more frustration over the 24-hour guest ban than he had expressed when he waited in line for an hour to get a clambake meal before realizing that the record setting event at the start of the fall semester had run out. “I don’t know what UMass officials think they’re going to stop, people are going to find ways around this.” said a frantic Subbaswamy. “In fact, I’m totally going to make a committee to investigate this and make sure this never happens again.” His wife also confessed that after Malcolm Butler intercepted Russell Wilson’s pass on the goal line to seal the New England Patriots victory, her husband, now in his early 60s, smashed a precious family heirloom in celebration and charged toward the Southwest concourse. “He muttered something

BENEFACT CUMBLEBOPPER/COLLEGIAN

A disgruntled Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy sits in his home alone during the 24-hour Super Bowl guest ban. about wanting to ‘rage with his brethren’ as he crashed out the door,” his wife said. “I think it was all his pent up anger over Enku and John getting kicked out.” Students interviewed in Southwest confirm that the University’s top administrator was present at the celebration. “Oh man, Kumble was

fired up,” said one student, who acknowledged that face of Massachusetts’ flagship public school was the one behind the reoccurring “F*** the Seahawks” chant. “He even tried to start an anti-Ed Davis chant,” the student continued. “To be honest, we were all kind of freaked out. I don’t know what that man poured in his beverage

but he was fuming.” Multiple students reported seeing UMass’ chief decision-maker attempting to climb one of the trees in the Southwest Concourse. Eddie B can be reached pretty much anytime and anywhere by anyone for anything. Master Chief can be reached at halo3@umass.edu.

Student businesses UMass unveils new nightclub to accept Bitcoin toBlueteenWallclubtoatconvert night Goal is to educate about the ‘real world’ By Jenna Talia

Morning Wood Staff

Students and administrators across campus are also ecstatic for what incorporating the shady currency of the Deep Web means for student learning. “We are especially excited to explore the ways in which students can learn from using this highly ambiguous monetary device that has been denounced by some banks and has been the target of fraud accusations,” said the release. “Once our students get into the real world as politicians, bankers, lawyers or other careers, they may not be dealing in simple in-person cash transactions. They’re going to need to know how to work in monetary transactions that most human beings simply cannot understand. Otherwise, their careers are probably going to flounder. As a top public university, it’s our responsibility to provide this education.” Plus, according to Barrett, student businesses really want to use the unregulated cryptocurrency because it’s “hip.” “Let’s face it,” Barrett said. “Bitcoins are used for some pretty badass black market purchases: fake IDs, drugs, weapons, assassins. Who wouldn’t want to put subs from Greeno on that list?” According to a recent Morning Wood poll, 78 percent of students agreed that it was cool that student business were beginning to use such a “badass” currency.

Amidst calls for University of Massachusetts student businesses to be allowed to accept Dining Dollars, the University has announced that studentrun enterprises will now be able to take Bitcoin. “The University is proud to announce that our studentled vendors, such as Sylvan Snack Bar, Greeno Sub Shop, Earthfoods Café and Sweets N’ More, will be able to accept the popular decentralized digital currency Bitcoin,” a UMass news release said. “We applaud the administration’s new policy,” said Student Government Association president-elect Sïonan Barrett. “We felt that in the past student-run businesses were not able to fairly compete with UMass Dining. With the new policy change, places like Greeno can benefit from the low transaction costs, buyer privacy features and worldwide market that the largely mysterious currency has to offer.” “In terms of responding to calls of unfair competition, I think that this new arrangement will work quite well,” Executive Director of Auxiliary Enterprises Ken Toong said. “No one can say we have a monopoly on campus dining services when Sweets N’ More can sell a cupcake to an anonymous person halfway across the globe. If anything, Jenna Talia can be reached, touched, UMass Dining is fighting an grabbed or groped at the reader’s uphill battle now.” convenience.

By Saylor Twift Morning Wood Staff

Many patrons of the newly renovated Blue Wall have commented that its décor leads customers to imagine they are in a dimly lit nightclub rather than a fine eating establishment. “Every time I go to Blue Wall, I think I walked into the Red Light District,” said Pajama Sam, a sophomore sleep major. “Like what’s up? Are the cockroaches partying behind the walls?” On Tuesday, the University of Massachusetts confirmed that was always its intention. “Blue Wall began as a dive bar, and its time to bring it back to its roots,” Van Sullivan, manager of Campus Center food services, said.

“We had to update the interior, expand it, and make it a prime destination for teenagers and college students. But we’re proud of it.” Sullivan added that in order to prepare for the nightclub, which UMass will hold a contest to name, the eatery has to close at 9 instead of 11 p.m., two hours earlier than it had before the renovation, in order to get the campus and Blue Wall employees accustomed to the impending change. At the press conference announcing the nightclub, Sam the Minuteman wore a neon mesh top and ripped jean shorts instead of his usual UMass attire. Sam will be on the dance floor every night, according to Sullivan, making sure students and community members are enjoying themselves. “Everyone knows Sam, everyone loves him. He’s at

all the sports games,” said Sullivan. “We wanted to make sure he continues to be integrated into the UMass Dining system, and we decided he would help people feel more comfortable with the transition.” Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy also is a key piece to the nightclub. During the opening week, which is scheduled for the first week of the fall semester, Subbaswamy will be the disk jockey, spinning “mad beats” and “hip tunes.” “I want to make sure UMass has a great time with this new adventure,” the chancellor said, wearing a backwards UMass snapback. “Let’s get ready to Kumble.” When asked what music he would be playing, Subbaswamy said the playlist would be finalized later this summer. He added, though, that, “in the club, I won’t be

the chancellor – I’ll be the party master. DJ Kumble in the house.” The UMass police chief John Horvath addressed safety concerns, assuring people that the new Blue Wall nightclub wouldn’t endanger the community. “Mr. Sullivan has assured me that the club won’t open until 10:30 and that no alcohol will be served within the club,” Horvath said. “UMPD also has already begun preparing officers to do pat downs, make students empty their pockets, do two Breathalyzer tests and provide a stool sample before they enter the club. Same thing we would do for any other event on campus.” Saylor Twift does not want any comments on this article because someday she’ll be living in a big old city, and all you’re ever gonna be is mean.


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