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Monday, April 3, 2017
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UMass announces frosted tips ambassador Guy Fieri as 2017 Commencement speaker Sunday UMass Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy invites all Minutemen to “seek their own Flavortown Casinos” By James “Sad Dog” Mattis Morning Wood Staff
The University of Massachusetts announced Sunday that restaurateur, Food Network star and internationally recognized frosted tips ambassador Guy Fieri will be the featured speaker during undergraduate commencement on May 12. According to a UMass press release, Fieri—most famous for hosting the Food Network show, “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives”—will address a crowd of over 5,000 graduating students, in addition to their family and friends, at McGuirk Stadium. “Guy Fieri is the personification of the American Dream,” Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy said in the press release. “What’s more American, or appropriate for college graduation, than inviting a speaker who inevitably appears on your television late at night—gorging himself on food you scoff and laugh at but secretly somewhat desire yourself— while you sit silently on the couch, trying to avoid anxiety-provoking reflections on your future, goals and ambitions?” “He will invite UMass students to shoot for the moon and do the other things,” Subbaswamy continued, “Not because they are easy, but because they will allow them to seek their own Flavortown Casinos.” Fieri began as a California restaurateur
in the 90s, before rising to fame as the host of a number of series on the Food Network. First came “Guy’s Big Bite,” then, a year later came the premiere of his most enduring contribution to American television to date, “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.” Serving as a beloved, charming and family-friendly look at local variations of American cuisine and the ultimate trigger of munchies for the stoners unable to remove themselves from the couch they’ve been attached to for the last few hours or so, who unwittingly make up a significant percentage of the show’s regular audience, “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives” has come to occupy a unique space in American pop culture. Fieri is also recognized worldwide as an icon and ambassador for frosted tips. Fieri has stubbornly adhered over the years to the hairdo, which had its moment in the early days of the George W. Bush administration. He has often been joined in this brave, rebellious fashion statement by his friend and fellow portrait of laid-back, Southern California not-quite hippie, not-quite surfer but notquite bro culture, Steve Harwell from the pop-rock band Smash Mouth. UMass students, for their part, seemed fairly enthused by the choice of Fieri. “I feel like he really represents us,” said Dex Tillerson, a senior sports management major. “He’s a total bro, all
SANDY CHEEKS/COLLEGIAN
Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy and frosted tips ambassador Guy Fieri celebrate the announcement at the UPub with cheap beer and subpar mozzarella sticks. he wants is to just like listen to some Chili Peppers with the top down and have some barbecue, he’s not like a politician or something.” Death Sessions, a senior Isenberg manager, also spoke positively of the choice. “I’ve always liked his show,” he said, before turning to his friend and saying “S*** bro now that I’m thinking about Guy
Fieri, do we want wings?” Sessions and his friend deliberated over the decision for five whole minutes, using “bro” in every exchange, while somehow managing to incorporate their shared admiration for Patriots coach Bill Belichick into the conversation before deciding in favor of ordering wings. “It’s what Guy would
want us to do,” Sessions explained. Commencement will occur rain or shine at McGuirk Stadium on May 12. Whether Fieri will actually speak, or will have “a change of heart” 35 minutes before the beginning of the ceremony, remains to be seen.
reached by shouting “If Corinne
James “Sad Dog” Mattis can be
the recent SGA elections.
can’t win ‘The Bachelor,’ she should be representing us in Washington!” repeatedly at the Minuteman statue, ordering off of “The Secret Menu” at the new Hatch Cafe and accusing the construction workers on campus of colluding with Russian President Vladimir Putin in order to influence
Apple announces new Stolen jersey returned to star UMass quarterback collaboration with UMass Jersey found months later By Will Toliv Morning Wood Staff U n ive r s i t y of Massachusetts quarterback Russ Collins’ stolen jersey from this year’s season finale at Hawaii was finally recovered on Friday, following an investigation by Residential Security’s International Crimes Unit. In recently-acquired locker room camera footage, an international media member is seen pushing straight through UMass’ line to take the jersey from the quarterback with ease. The journalist, Gordie Clark from Canada, disappeared into the Hawaiian streets quickly afterward, managing to escape with the jersey valued at $26.40 on Ebay. “How could anyone expect me not to take a UMass jersey?” Clark cried out as he was removed from his Manitoba home in handcuffs. “They’re the nonconference powerhouse of NCAA football!” Clark, who was in Hawaii
reporting on the game for the Canadian Sports Network, has since been fired by the company. In a press release on Saturday, the media giant cited his lack of judgment and “inability to steal something that’s actually cool” as the reasoning for Clark’s dismissal. “If he was going to steal something, why couldn’t he steal something awesome like a Tom Brady jersey or something?” said Jeff Hooley, vice president of operations for CSN. “That one Mexican journalist did that and that thing was worth like a billion Canadian dollars!” Becca Hawkins, the director of Residential Security’s International Crime Unit, said her team was able to find the jersey by scouring Canadian Craigslist. “Countless hours were dedicated to returning the jersey back to UMass,” she said. “We might’ve lost that game, and nine other ones I guess, but we weren’t about to lose that jersey.” The special investigative unit watched over thousands of hours of security footage before finding evidence to spark the deployment of their retrieval team.
The team apprehended Mr. Clark at his home and found the jersey inside sitting at the bottom of his hamper, conveniently the first place investigators chose to look. On Sunday, Collins posted a statement on Facebook thanking the law enforcement officers for their hard work. “I honestly forgot that I lost the jersey a few months ago, but it’s pretty cool Residential Security went all the way up to Canada to get it back for me,” he wrote. Clark now awaits a court date in Hawaii for two charges of petty theft and fleeing the scene of a crime. Upon hearing that his trial would be held in Honolulu, Clark’s dismay seemed to lessen from his cell at Residential Security’s detention center. “Sure I got caught and lost the jersey, but a trip to Hawaii is a trip to Hawaii,” he shared in an exclusive interview. “I was afraid the punishment would be to cover more UMass football games.” Will Toliv can be reached in a hot air balloon.
Maroon iphone starting at $759 B y Jeve Stobs Morning Wood Staff During Thursday’s press event, Apple announced a brand new collaboration with colleges and universities across the United States—one of them being the University of Massachusetts. The first round of special edition products will include new iPhone colors, phone cases and watch bands corresponding to each of the school’s colors. These products will be available online and in the UMass campus store on April 14; pre-order will start April 7. Apple CEO Tim Cook explained how the prices of the products are going to be a bit more expensive than usual. “We understand there will be some frustration caused by the higher prices, but they are the result of making so many custom colors. The
ultimate goal is to bring more school spirit to campuses while providing the best devices on the market,” Cook said. The maroon iPhone 7’s starting price is at $759 and the 7 Plus’s starting price is $869. The sports band for the Apple watch will be priced at $69 and the silicon iPhone case at $59. Liz Knobody, a sophomore food science major, shared her excitement. “I’ve recently upgraded to an iPhone 7 Plus, but I’m super excited to get the new maroon one. I’m not sure how I’m going to afford it, but I’ll find a way,” said Knobody. When asked about buying the new products at a significantly higher price, Denise McDenna was quick to answer. The senior linguistics major claimed she “already gives UMass enough money,” but will either take out a loan or charge her parents’ credit card for the new phone. “I’ve had the best four years here and want to
show it with my phone,” she said. McDenna’s friend, Brat Sullivan, a psychology senior, felt differently. “I honestly don’t understand the hype. Why spend hundreds of dollars when you could buy a maroon or even a UMass phone case?” said Sullivan. UMass Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy commented on the news during a recent University press release to express his enthusiasm. “We are excited to work with Apple during this time. I can’t wait to make Maroon Monday every day,” he said. At this time it is unknown how much UMass will profit from the collaboration. Jeve Stobs can be reached at appleluver1997@hotmail.com.