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Biased journalism whenever you need it


Monday, April 3, 2017

Printing way too many papers since 2009

UMass announces frosted tips ambassador Guy Fieri as 2017 Commencement speaker Sunday UMass Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy invites all Minutemen to “seek their own Flavortown Casinos” By James “Sad Dog” Mattis Morning Wood Staff

The University of Massachusetts announced Sunday that restaurateur, Food Network star and internationally recognized frosted tips ambassador Guy Fieri will be the featured speaker during undergraduate commencement on May 12. According to a UMass press release, Fieri—most famous for hosting the Food Network show, “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives”—will address a crowd of over 5,000 graduating students, in addition to their family and friends, at McGuirk Stadium. “Guy Fieri is the personification of the American Dream,” Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy said in the press release. “What’s more American, or appropriate for college graduation, than inviting a speaker who inevitably appears on your television late at night—gorging himself on food you scoff and laugh at but secretly somewhat desire yourself— while you sit silently on the couch, trying to avoid anxiety-provoking reflections on your future, goals and ambitions?” “He will invite UMass students to shoot for the moon and do the other things,” Subbaswamy continued, “Not because they are easy, but because they will allow them to seek their own Flavortown Casinos.” Fieri began as a California restaurateur

in the 90s, before rising to fame as the host of a number of series on the Food Network. First came “Guy’s Big Bite,” then, a year later came the premiere of his most enduring contribution to American television to date, “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.” Serving as a beloved, charming and family-friendly look at local variations of American cuisine and the ultimate trigger of munchies for the stoners unable to remove themselves from the couch they’ve been attached to for the last few hours or so, who unwittingly make up a significant percentage of the show’s regular audience, “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives” has come to occupy a unique space in American pop culture. Fieri is also recognized worldwide as an icon and ambassador for frosted tips. Fieri has stubbornly adhered over the years to the hairdo, which had its moment in the early days of the George W. Bush administration. He has often been joined in this brave, rebellious fashion statement by his friend and fellow portrait of laid-back, Southern California not-quite hippie, not-quite surfer but notquite bro culture, Steve Harwell from the pop-rock band Smash Mouth. UMass students, for their part, seemed fairly enthused by the choice of Fieri. “I feel like he really represents us,” said Dex Tillerson, a senior sports management major. “He’s a total bro, all


Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy and frosted tips ambassador Guy Fieri celebrate the announcement at the UPub with cheap beer and subpar mozzarella sticks. he wants is to just like listen to some Chili Peppers with the top down and have some barbecue, he’s not like a politician or something.” Death Sessions, a senior Isenberg manager, also spoke positively of the choice. “I’ve always liked his show,” he said, before turning to his friend and saying “S*** bro now that I’m thinking about Guy

Fieri, do we want wings?” Sessions and his friend deliberated over the decision for five whole minutes, using “bro” in every exchange, while somehow managing to incorporate their shared admiration for Patriots coach Bill Belichick into the conversation before deciding in favor of ordering wings. “It’s what Guy would

want us to do,” Sessions explained. Commencement will occur rain or shine at McGuirk Stadium on May 12. Whether Fieri will actually speak, or will have “a change of heart” 35 minutes before the beginning of the ceremony, remains to be seen.

reached by shouting “If Corinne

James “Sad Dog” Mattis can be

the recent SGA elections.

can’t win ‘The Bachelor,’ she should be representing us in Washington!” repeatedly at the Minuteman statue, ordering off of “The Secret Menu” at the new Hatch Cafe and accusing the construction workers on campus of colluding with Russian President Vladimir Putin in order to influence

Apple announces new Stolen jersey returned to star UMass quarterback collaboration with UMass Jersey found months later By Will Toliv Morning Wood Staff U n ive r s i t y of Massachusetts quarterback Russ Collins’ stolen jersey from this year’s season finale at Hawaii was finally recovered on Friday, following an investigation by Residential Security’s International Crimes Unit. In recently-acquired locker room camera footage, an international media member is seen pushing straight through UMass’ line to take the jersey from the quarterback with ease. The journalist, Gordie Clark from Canada, disappeared into the Hawaiian streets quickly afterward, managing to escape with the jersey valued at $26.40 on Ebay. “How could anyone expect me not to take a UMass jersey?” Clark cried out as he was removed from his Manitoba home in handcuffs. “They’re the nonconference powerhouse of NCAA football!” Clark, who was in Hawaii

reporting on the game for the Canadian Sports Network, has since been fired by the company. In a press release on Saturday, the media giant cited his lack of judgment and “inability to steal something that’s actually cool” as the reasoning for Clark’s dismissal. “If he was going to steal something, why couldn’t he steal something awesome like a Tom Brady jersey or something?” said Jeff Hooley, vice president of operations for CSN. “That one Mexican journalist did that and that thing was worth like a billion Canadian dollars!” Becca Hawkins, the director of Residential Security’s International Crime Unit, said her team was able to find the jersey by scouring Canadian Craigslist. “Countless hours were dedicated to returning the jersey back to UMass,” she said. “We might’ve lost that game, and nine other ones I guess, but we weren’t about to lose that jersey.” The special investigative unit watched over thousands of hours of security footage before finding evidence to spark the deployment of their retrieval team.

The team apprehended Mr. Clark at his home and found the jersey inside sitting at the bottom of his hamper, conveniently the first place investigators chose to look. On Sunday, Collins posted a statement on Facebook thanking the law enforcement officers for their hard work. “I honestly forgot that I lost the jersey a few months ago, but it’s pretty cool Residential Security went all the way up to Canada to get it back for me,” he wrote. Clark now awaits a court date in Hawaii for two charges of petty theft and fleeing the scene of a crime. Upon hearing that his trial would be held in Honolulu, Clark’s dismay seemed to lessen from his cell at Residential Security’s detention center. “Sure I got caught and lost the jersey, but a trip to Hawaii is a trip to Hawaii,” he shared in an exclusive interview. “I was afraid the punishment would be to cover more UMass football games.” Will Toliv can be reached in a hot air balloon.

Maroon iphone starting at $759 B y Jeve Stobs Morning Wood Staff During Thursday’s press event, Apple announced a brand new collaboration with colleges and universities across the United States—one of them being the University of Massachusetts. The first round of special edition products will include new iPhone colors, phone cases and watch bands corresponding to each of the school’s colors. These products will be available online and in the UMass campus store on April 14; pre-order will start April 7. Apple CEO Tim Cook explained how the prices of the products are going to be a bit more expensive than usual. “We understand there will be some frustration caused by the higher prices, but they are the result of making so many custom colors. The

ultimate goal is to bring more school spirit to campuses while providing the best devices on the market,” Cook said. The maroon iPhone 7’s starting price is at $759 and the 7 Plus’s starting price is $869. The sports band for the Apple watch will be priced at $69 and the silicon iPhone case at $59. Liz Knobody, a sophomore food science major, shared her excitement. “I’ve recently upgraded to an iPhone 7 Plus, but I’m super excited to get the new maroon one. I’m not sure how I’m going to afford it, but I’ll find a way,” said Knobody. When asked about buying the new products at a significantly higher price, Denise McDenna was quick to answer. The senior linguistics major claimed she “already gives UMass enough money,” but will either take out a loan or charge her parents’ credit card for the new phone. “I’ve had the best four years here and want to

show it with my phone,” she said. McDenna’s friend, Brat Sullivan, a psychology senior, felt differently. “I honestly don’t understand the hype. Why spend hundreds of dollars when you could buy a maroon or even a UMass phone case?” said Sullivan. UMass Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy commented on the news during a recent University press release to express his enthusiasm. “We are excited to work with Apple during this time. I can’t wait to make Maroon Monday every day,” he said. At this time it is unknown how much UMass will profit from the collaboration. Jeve Stobs can be reached at



y init virg ay y m d lost n this o

n very opinioch writers u m

Wednesday, April 3, 2017

SGA, lol

what is your dream?

Women have had enough

Recently, there’s been a nality: 1) plaster scantily rising trend so vile, so dis- clad women in advertisements, making women conLottie Bull stantly aware that their body is a commodity. 2) Rate turbing, it can hardly be women based on looks; let believed: women being val- them know that their selfued on their competencies. worth should only be based In the street, women walk on their boobs. 3) Ban birth without being accosted. control; if women are conAt work, women are given tinuously pregnant from paid maternity leave (at an equal wage as men, no less!). At the bars, women don’t face repercussions for rejecting a sexual puberty until menopause, advance. Even at UMass, think about how few tamwomen are active partici- pon boxes you’ll see in the pants in class discussions. supermarket. 4) Remove And it’s not just in our women from school; if they daily lives: our government do not go to school, then is rampant with women, you can feel much less women whose ideas get guilty about your Lolita more press than their out- fetish. Although these ideas fits. I personally take great may seem a bit ambitious, issue with this. As a woman, don’t fear, there are some I am constantly being seen simple little daily actions beyond my body; my ideas that make a big difference. are always taken seriously. One way is to talk over Do you know how hard it women. If you are at an is for me to live my life academic conference and without being objectified? I the woman you are talking have to deal with men who to is an expert in medieval consider me to be assertive, literature, interrupt her to not bossy. Men who listen give an hour-long recap on to “no.” I’m always compli- the “Game of Thrones” epimented on my intelligence sode from last week. If a and sense of humor. The woman is sharing her feellast straw was when a man ings with you, cut her off validated my feelings and midway to share how tough emotions. We, women, need you have it. No matter to be recognized for what where, when, or with who, we really are: hysterical it is your duty to ignore vaginas. I want a man to what she says and make grab my ass on a crowded it all about you; your ego train. I want to be whooped comes first. and hollered at like an ani- Which leads me to my mal. I want my doctor to next point. Be a nice guy. tell me that I am making Though this technique is it up when I complain of both subtle and time-intensive, it provides some of pain. There are some steps we the most effective results. can take to return to ratio- First, befriend a woman.

Laugh at her jokes; coincidentally be into everything she is. Eventually, she will come to trust you more. Be empathetic when listening to her feelings. However, the key here is to only pretend to; in actuality, do not care at all. The whole point is to try to sleep with her, and then accuse her of being c r a z y when she would prefer to stay friends. Do not ever let her feel confident or safe in her relationships or decisionmaking skills; the only daddy she should not have issues with is you. Did anyone ask women if they wanted to be treated with respect and dignity? Yes. And that is the problem. If we are to solve this unbelievable problem, it is imperative to devalue and degrade women into nothing but pieces of meat. Let’s marinate them in low self-esteem and let them slow-cook in the fiery hell of whoredom. Even if you start to see women as individuals, resist the urge. Think of those generations of men who fought hard to keep women in the kitchens and out of the voting booths; those many men who resisted their desire to dine with women other than their wives, all to protect her maleimposed honor. Remember, it is not about them; it is about you.

“If we are to solve this unbelievable problem, it is imperative to devalue and degrade women into nothing but pieces of meat.”

Lottie Bull is the Collegian’s resident token female meninist who enjoys degrading herself and can’t be reached because she needs her husband’s permission.

UMass discriminates against the left-handed

I’m part of a marginalized group in society. We

Delia Gauche make up about 10 percent of the American population. We used to be seen as unnatural, and forced to conform to what the majority of society deems acceptable, but that attitude has changed over time. However, we still face many disadvantages, and we are often prevented from living our lives to their fullest potential by those who are seen as “normal.”I am left-handed. Left-handed people are ostracized from society in many ways, and this alienation is upheld by institutions like the University of Massachusetts. The majority of desks in UMass classrooms are made for right-handed people. We are lucky if we can find one lefty desk in a classroom, and there are rarely any lefty desks in lecture halls with auditoriumstyle seating. There are never enough of these desks for the amount of left-handed students in the class. Every day, I walk into a classroom and I

am reminded that it was not designed for me, but for the majority. This discrimination against lefties is also rampant in every computer lab on campus. If you look at a computer mouse, you will see that it is always on the right side of a computer. It is designed to be held by a right hand, and feels wrong when held by a left hand. Even door handles are often placed on the right side of a door, where they are meant to be easily accessible for right-handed people, and refrigerator and microwave handles nearly always are. We live in a world that is made for right-handed people, and most of the time we don’t even realize what we’re missing because we’re so used to things being on the side that is inconvenient for us. An unwelcoming physical environment is only one barrier to being fully accepted in society. Microaggressions in everyday language are another facet of the discrimination that lefties face. People constantly use the word “right” to mean “correct,” subtly emphasizing

Mar Tom Br y i n g rady

that they view right-handedness as moral, and any deviation from it as wrong. This attitude is also prevalent in the professional world. Have you ever given someone a handshake? Which hand did you use? Your right hand, of course. We don’t have the option of doing this action with our left hand. UMass advisors always tell us to shake hands when we go to a career fair or a networking opportunity, but by doing this, they uphold the social norm that these actions can only be done with the right hand. We have to break down these social constructs telling us that using that shaking someone’s hand using your left hand is unprofessional. This change must start here at UMass. We can be the first generation to reject the monopoly of right-handedness and fully embrace the possibilities of lefthandedness and ambidextrousness. Remember, the opposite of right is not always wrong. Delia Gauche can be reached by writing a letter (but only with your left hand).


Business Manager - Jordan Belfort Advertising Manager - Donald Trump Distribution Manager - Harry Richard Advertising Production - Scruge McDuck


News Editor - Burnt Bagel News Producer - Shaayamuni

Before you head back to CVS and invest in the lat-

Luke Peters est synthetic, pore-exfoliating skin care remedy, let me bring to your attention the latest skin care product. Ferocactus wislizeni, also known as the Barrel Cactus, is a naturally occurring plant that can reduce acne by 100 percent if you simply rub it against affected areas at least six times per day. Professors at the University of Massachusetts recently concluded an expensive 10-year scientific study on the amazing anti-inflammatory and acnereducing properties of the Barrel Cactus, a small cactus native to the Southwestern United States and Mexico. Although the scientists behind the study showed no evidence of analyzing the biological aspects of the plant and how it interacts with the human integumentary system, there is clear proof that vigorously rubbing this spikey plant on the surface of your acne-prone skin will make you more attractive. Believe me, I was skeptical at first too. I mean seriously, how could scraping your back with a cactus possibly reduce acne? I decided to see for myself, so I took a walk up the Durfee Conservatory to feel this prick in my skin. I found ferocactus wislizeni in a small pot, and the plant itself was about the size of a baseball. I carefully poked my finger onto the spikes of the cactus, just to get a sensation of the pain before scraping the entire plant on my upper back. I’ll admit, the Barrel Cactus works a lot differently

than other acne medications that I’ve used, but I think that’s what makes it so efficient. Instead of the soothing, silky sensation you would normally feel from rubbing an anti-bacterial lotion on your skin, the Barrel Cactus hurts when you first apply it. The sharp spears on the cactus dig deep into pimples, which causes you to bleed very significantly. Initially, I was extremely alarmed at the amount of blood dripping down my back, and I thought to myself, “there is no way that causing myself this much agony will get rid of my acne.” Still skeptical, I decid-


Conor McGregor Suite Life of Zack & Cote Danny Phantom Ross Geller



LIBERAL SNOWFLAKES Pasta Primavera Crybaby Bueller Bass Player Jim Halpern

UR 2008 EMO PLAYLIST G Lo Moyshe Crotchedowtiz Roberto Carlos


Sports Editor - Dooby Sports Producer - Pat Kelsey


Tom Brady’s Stolen Jersey Frat Bro Pizza Slice

this particularly spikey plant. I realized that I was ignorant to only have used the remedy once, so I walked up to Durfee daily and applied the medication twice at breakfast, lunch and dinner. Although my skin did not look as clear as I thought it would, my acne was eliminated after just one full week of using the Barrel Cactus. And the best part was that not only did I perceive myself to be a truly handsome man for the first time in my life, but also everyone else seemed to notice my attractiveness. Instead of receiving ridicule for my gross acne, people would ask me why the hell I had scratches over my face, back and chest. Nobody had a clue that I even had acne in the first place. Instead of girls telling me, “don’t worry, if your face cleared tomorrow up you’d still be ugly,” they would skip right to asking me why I was all cut up. I would proceed to tell them I was a CIA agent who just wrestled a grizzly bear to death with my own two hands, and then we would make out. Although I was highly skeptical about using the Barrel Cactus to get rid of my acne, it took my two long and lonely years to realize that this remedy is truly the most effective. Plus, professors at the University of Massachusetts Amherst have used real science to prove it works. Hit up your local conservatory or plant store soon and start rubbing this cactus into your back because, believe me, you will never have to deal with acne again.

“Instead of receiving ridicule for my gross acne, people would ask me why the hell I had scratched all over my face, back and chest.”

ed to do some independent research on the remedy. After typing vague questions into Google and finding almost no information on how a cactus can reduce acne, I stopped using the Barrel Cactus and switched back to my normal acne medications. However, after a full year of persistent use of these prescription medications, my friends were still calling me pizza-face and I was still going to bed alone every night. I spent another full year searching for an acne medication that would reduce my acne enough to get me a girl and some real friends, but still no luck. While drowning my sorrows in ice cream at Frank, I realized that I should reconsider using the Barrel Cactus to get rid of my acne. Once again, I found myself at the Durfee Conservatory, profusely bleeding and deliri- Luke “The Man” Peters is the Collegian ously screaming at the pain resident “cool guy” and can be reached of scratching myself with at Frank, just sitting.

This is my egg chair

Dear students of the UMass Library basement, I see you standing there.

just going to stay warm even though everyone was like “No Kath it’s February.” Honestly though, I made my Kath Ledeyard commitment to shorts and I’m not backing down now. Just If you think I’m going to like I’m not backing down get up from this chair, think from this spot. The hate is again. Do you not see that my motivating. And this chair is shoes are off? Do you not see really warm. So who is the that I am already curled up smart one now? in this beautiful, cozy, sound- I have three papers to proof cornucopia like a little write and two of them are due baby chick? Unless you’re looking to bring out mama hen, you better back off. I will wreck you. This is literally the best tomorrow. One is a research chair I have ever sat in in my paper and I have not even entire life. I didn’t even know started the research. So I’m these chairs existed until this going to be here all day. I’ll semester. Why don’t they tell us stay here all night if I have about these things? It feels like to. I doubt you can outlast I am taking a nap inside a loaf me. You’re just not dedicated of bread. I’ll have you know enough. I wore shorts today because Also, I’m only just starting there was that one time it was “Planet Earth II” on my lap60 degrees outside and I was top. It’s really good. Wow, it’s pretty sure that meant it was seriously so cool. Honestly, I’m

going to have to watch at least four more episodes before I can start my work. Have you ever thought about the fact that even though three-toed sloths move incredibly slow on land they are actually great swimmers? Of course you haven’t. You only think about yourself. So stop peeking around the corner to see if I’m about to leave. I’m not. I would rather cut off one of my limbs, rappel a 60-foot cliff and hike seven miles back to salvation than see you take this egg chair from me. Oh my god, I just realized that sounds a little bit like that movie “127 Hours.” I think I’ll watch that next before I start my work.

“This is literally the best chair I have ever sat in in my entire life.”


Production Manager - Ban-ANNA Bread Special Issues Manager - Maximilien Robespierre


Social Media Coordinators - Serena Williams | Jack Hoff

Op/Ed Editor - Don’t Cross Her Arts Editor - Drunk Boris Yeltsin Op/Ed Producer - TB’s Stolen Jersey Arts Producer - Magenta Placenta

Scratching with a cactus reduces acne

t h e m a s s a c h u s e t t s D a i ly C o l l e g i a n MAKE IT RAIN Y’ALL


MOM’S IPHONE CAMERA Photo Editor - Holden Cocks


A Conch Shell Taboo (From the Black Eyed Peas) Tibi McCyber Bill Gates Butts Up Doc?

Kath Ledeyard is the Collegian’s resident Big Mama and can be reached by shouting loudly from your room to the kitchen. PRODUCTION CREW on staff for this issue





ARTS DESK EDITOR - Drunk Boris Yeltsin

Comics Editor - BRUCE Taboo (Again) Willy B. Hardigan Cup O’ Joe

The Massachusetts Morning Wood is published Monday through Sunday during the Gregorian calendar year. The Morning Wood is independently funded, operating on the souls of people offended by its coveage. Founded in the aftermath of the Ice Age, its original editors ate bad writers to sustain themselves. Printed by impoverished children in south Asia for 2 cents an hour, the Morning Wood prides itself on being an equal opportunity employer for those without standards.

O p /E d DESK EDITOR - Crybaby Bueller SPORTS DESK EDITOR - Tom Brady’s Stolen Jersey COMICS DESK EDITOR - BRUCE

GRAPHICS DESK EDITOR - Maximilien Robespierre SOCIAL MEDIA - Regina Phelange PHOTO EDITOR - Tibi McCyber


A free and responsible press


Monday, April 3, 2017

‘Building Bridges’ event for April 4

All welcome to perform B y Abigail C harpentier Collegian Correspondent

An event called “Building Bridges: open mic, open forum” is set to take place on Tuesday, April 4 at 7 p.m. in the Malcolm X Center in Berkshire Dining Common. The event, co-sponsored by the Racial Justice Coalition, Student Government Association (SGA) and Center for Education Policy and Advocacy (CEPA), is intended to build bridges, rather than walls, between students from different backgrounds through an open mic and open forum style event. During the open mic, students will share their experiences on and off campus through creative

llamas in the park

expression. The open mic portion of the event will be followed by a series of questions to engage students in how they can build solidarity and what resources are available for them on campus. Stephnie Igharosa, the SGA secretary of diversity, said she wants to be able to cultivate what she can for students through the SGA, Black Justice Coalition and other student agencies. “This is something that is necessary. I hear students from all different groups talk about facing what they’re experiencing and how sometimes there isn’t an outlet for them,” said Igharosa. The sophomore biology major on the premedical track said a space is needed to talk about what students



on page 2

Serving the UMass community since 1890


Autism Speaks holds a fundraiser event on Kendrick Lawn in dowtown Amherst with a petting zoo, including Llamas and goats, on April 2, 2017.

Hoops for Syria raises funds Trump says U.S. could act Event raised alone against nuclear threat over $1,000 By Afnan Nehela Collegian Staff

The University of Massachusetts’ Muslim Student Association and Amnesty International partnered up to organize a basketball fundraising event, “Hoops for Syria,” for Syrian refugees on Sunday April 2. The event raised $1,000 for the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees’ Syrian emergency fund. The president of Amnesty International at UMass, Nuha Muntasser, a senior economics major, said she wanted to focus on the athletic youth on campus. “I wanted to organize an event that appealed to many students in the Five College community and mobilize them to partake in a cause that is very important in today’s political context. I am very happy with the turnout and that many people, some who don’t

usually play basketball, came and supported such a cause,” Muntasser said. Sakina Bengali, a junior sociology and psychology major, made it to the second round with his team. “The competitive spirit [was] high but in the end we’re all here to support the plight of Syrian refugees, to let them know that there are people all around the globe who are thinking about them. They will always remain in our hearts,” said Bengali. “I even created new bonds with my team members I didn’t know before, people who I would have never thought would play basketball,” he added. More than 100 people attended the tournament with a total of 29 registered teams. Friends of players came to watch and cheer. Each team played two games in group stages, and the qualifying teams then went on to a 16-team single elimination bracket. At halftime, a threepoint contest was held where participants attempted to make as many shots as possible from five positions behind the three-

point arc in one minute. The winner of that contest received $20. John Gouvalaris, a management major, Davonte Higginbottom, a sport management major and John O’Brien, a sport management major, competed under the team name “D6 Bound” and were the winners of the tournament. Co-president of the MSA and senior environmental science major Tooba Gilani, said that she was very pleased with the turnout of the event. “The best part of this event for me was that we raised money for Syrian refugees. As a Muslim, helping those in need is one of the foundational pillars of the religion, and the fact I could participate in that is beautiful and humbling,” she said. Gilani said it was rejuvenating for her to see people work passionately for a good cause. “It reminds me of the goodness in all of us,” she said. Afnan Nehela can be reached at

McConnell very confident Congress won’t shutdown By Ben Brody Bloomberg News

WASHINGTON —Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said he’s “very confident” that Congress can pass a funding bill to avoid a government shutdown at the end of April. McConnell said on “Fox News Sunday” that the House and Senate appropriations committees were “working on the bills on a bipartisan basis” to fund the

government after April 28. “We’ll be talking to Senate Democrats,” he said. “It will require 60 votes.” McConnell, R-Ky., Republicans and Democrats would “negotiate” over the Trump administration’s priorities: initial funding to build a wall on the U.S. border with Mexico, cuts to domestic programs, and increases in military spending. The resulting bill would

fund the government through Sept. 30, the end of the current fiscal year, McConnell said. McConnell said he is “confident Senate Democrats are not going to want to shut down the government” because Congress, rather than the president, tends to get the blame in public opinion when such events occur.

By Shobhana Chandra and Margaret Talev Bloomberg News

WASHINGTON—President Donald Trump said the U.S. can “totally” address North Korea’s nuclear threat unilaterally if China doesn’t cooperate to put pressure on that nation. “If China is not going to solve North Korea, we will. That is all I am telling you,” Trump said in an interview with the Financial Times published Sunday. When pressed about whether he could do it one-on-one without China’s help, the president said, “I don’t have to say any more. Totally.” Trump and Chinese President Xi Jinping are scheduled to meet Thursday and Friday at the president’s Mar-a-Lago resort in Palm Beach, Fla. Trump said he’ll discuss North Korea.

“China has great influence over North Korea,” Trump said in the interview. “And China will either decide to help us with North Korea, or they won’t.” Cooperation with the U.S. “will be very good for China,” he said. If they don’t cooperate, “it won’t be good for anyone.” North Korea has been developing and testing its ballistic missile technology, and South Korean intelligence has warned that North Korea could conduct its sixth nuclear bomb test this week to “overshadow” the summit. Trump declined to say how he’d pursue the subject, or whether he would begin the talks with the Chinese president by bringing up North Korea and then moving on to trade with China. Trump also indicated that he would postpone a discussion with the Chinese presi-

dent on tariffs until “perhaps the next time we meet.” Still, Trump offered this criticism: “When you talk about currency manipulation, when you talk about devaluations, they are world champions.” Trump said during the presidential campaign to have China labeled a currency manipulator on his first day in office, which didn’t happen. Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin has signaled no urgency to act, saying he wants to use a regular review of foreign-exchange markets to determine whether the U.S.’s largest trading partner is cheating. Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross declined to address Trump’s campaign pledge during an appearance on CNN’s “State of the Union” Sunday, saying the determination lies with the Treasury Department.

Teenager charged for assault By John Keilman Chicago Tribune

CHICAGO— Juvenile charges were against a 14-yearold boy for the sexual assault of a 15-year-old girl that was carried on Facebook Live, and authorities are seeking the arrest of a 15-year-old boy in connection with the crime, police said Sunday. Police are trying to identify others who took part in the assault, officials said, but the investigation has been complicated by the victim’s trauma. “She’s just having such a difficult time even communicating what occurred to her,” Cmdr. Brendan Deenihan said at a news conference. “We obviously have a video of the incident, so we have verifiable objective evidence of what

occurred to this young lady, but she’s just having a very difficult time.” “On top of it, there’s constant social media ... bullying (of the victim), making fun of what occurred,’’ Deenihan said. “This is just a very traumatic incident.” The 14-year-old was charged with aggravated criminal sexual assault, manufacture of child pornography and dissemination of child pornography, all of which are felonies, police said. The girl had stayed over with family the evening of March 18, gone to church with them the next day, and then was dropped off near home before disappearing. She was found March 21. Sometime during the time she was missing, she was sexually assaulted. In the Facebook Live

video - which had as many as 40 viewers at one point - the girl was sexually assaulted by as many as six attackers. Since the assault was reported and police began looking for suspects, the girl’s family has been moved with the help of authorities because of threats and taunts. Police contacted Facebook and the video was taken down. The attack was at least the fourth Chicago crime caught on Facebook Live since the end of October. After one of the previous attacks - when a mentally disabled man was tormented and tortured by a group of people - the company said it does not allow people “to celebrate or glorify crimes” on its network.


THE RU N D OW N ON THIS DAY... In 1933, First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt informed newspaper reporters that beer would be served at the White House. This followed the March 22 legislation that legalized “3.2” beer.


Colombia landslides kill more than 230 More than 230 people died when severe flooding and landslides hit the city of Mocoa in southwestern Colombia. Two-hundred


eight bodies were recovered and more than 200 people were injured, with the




expected to rise, Carlos Ivan Marquez, head of the country’s disaster agency, said Sunday. Thousands of helpers searched the ruins for survivors. Heavy rainfall caused the Mocoa, Mulato and Sancoyaco rivers to burst their banks. Water and sludge flowed into 17 of Mocoa’s 40 neighborhoods early Saturday, sweeping away houses or burying them under debris. Huge



came rest in the town were evidence




destructive power. President Juan Manuel Santos canceled a trip to Cuba to go to the disaster area and ordered soldiers to the region.

Mocoa, which has a pop-

ulation of 40,000, is near the


Monday, April 3, 2017



about 400 miles southwest of Bogota, the capital. The



Colombia followed similar flooding in northern Peru. Nearly 100 people were reported killed and 20,000 displaced






QUOTE OF T H E D AY “In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very angry, and has been widely regarded as a bad idea.” Douglas Adams

U.S. ambassador to Israel could possibly temper Trump By Katie Glueck

McClatchy Washington Bureau

TEL AVIV, Israel — Before he was president of the United States, Donald Trump was a hard-driving businessman who expected his employees to be always available. But not David Friedman, a bankruptcy lawyer who sometimes broke up meetings with Trump to observe Jewish holidays and Shabbat. “I have been with him at critical times on business deals where I had to leave the room and go home,” Friedman said in an interview during the presidential campaign last May, describing his years-long relationship with Trump. “I’m sure it was very frustrating for him that I just disappeared.” That Trump permitted such a dynamic is evidence of an uncommonly close and respectful partnership that has now propelled Friedman to one of the most high-profile positions in global diplomacy - as Trump’s newly confirmed ambassador to Israel. It’s a relationship that heartens conservatives in the United States and Israel, who hope Friedman will push Trump to the right on foreign policy issues relevant to Israel -from support for new settlements to shredding the nuclear deal with Iran. And it’s a relationship that worries more moderate and liberal voices within the Jewish American community, who see Friedman’s appointment to this crucial role as a threat to the hard-won bipartisan support Israel has secured in Washington for decades, given Friedman’s record of inflammatory remarks about progressive Jews. “One of the things Israel has been so successful in cultivating over the years is a sense of bipartisanship ... with respect to support both from within the political elites and also within the broader American community,” said Daniel Kurtzer, who served as ambassador to Israel under President George W. Bush and is one of five former ambassadors to Israel who signed a letter advising the Senate not to confirm Friedman. “It would be horrendous for friends of Israel, who may not agree with some Israeli policies but still want to support Israel, to have it become a Republican-Democratic issue,” he told McClatchy. Friedman and Trump have worked together on and off for years, with Friedman helping Trump handle bankruptcies of his casinos in Atlantic City, N.J., and getting to know the Trump family in the process. He attended Ivanka Trump’s wedding to Jared Kushner and, according to Friedman’s friends and other longtime associates, is close to the first daughter - he’s even been known to text with her. Friedman is comfortable being direct with the president in a way that might be challenging for newer members of the Trump orbit, who are navigating a White House with constantly shifting power centers. “You have to give it to them straight,” Friedman told the publication Super Lawyers in 2011, of his approach to working with people like Trump. “You can really hurt a client, like a Donald Trump or a Carl Icahn, if you tell them what they want to hear.” Despite a record of making incendiary statements about liberal Jews and President Barack Obama, for which he expressed regret in his confirmation hearings, the ambassador’s friends note that he is an accomplished lawyer who could steady a president seen by critics as erratic. “In the few places in life the president has been vulnerable, David has been by his side,” said one source

who has known Friedman for years and requested anonymity in order to speak freely about the sensitive relationship between Friedman and Trump. “David has had a longstanding, very legitimate relationship with the president. Not a professional ‘you’re my attorney, not my peer,’ but a mutually respectful relationship, which I think is probably pretty rare for the president,” this person said. “I don’t believe it’s anybody’s impression that the president is all that interested in people who push back frequently.” Conservatives, eager for improved relations between Israel and the U.S. after a sometimes-tense period under Obama, are counting on that relationship to facilitate rightward shifts in the message and actions from Washington on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Friedman’s personal views on that struggle have been far more conservative than those expressed by the rest of the Trump administration. In fact, the White House’s policies toward Israel so far look fairly consistent with those of the last several administrations, said Daniel Shapiro, who was Obama’s ambassador to Israel and is now a senior fellow at the Institute for National Security Studies in Tel Aviv. “I have many differences with the Trump administration on many issues, both international and domestic,” said Shapiro, speaking to McClatchy in his new office here in Tel Aviv, less than 4 miles from the U.S. embassy that Friedman and Trump have said they want to move to Jerusalem. Trump has been more equivocal since taking office. “But so far the approach on the question of Israelis and Palestinians, how others in the region can be involved in creating a productive regional atmosphere, has been much more cautious, much more responsible, much closer to historical norms of U.S. policy than on almost any other issue.” Friedman won’t be the only voice on these issues speaking to Trump; the president is certainly getting views from Kushner, his son-in-law, who is a top adviser on the Middle East, and Jason Greenblatt, the chief legal officer at the Trump Organization-turnedspecial representative for international negotiations, was already wading into the Israeli-Palestinian peace process before Friedman was confirmed. “It’s very likely that an ambassador with a close relationship to President Trump would retain that voice,” said Shapiro, who has such a relationship with Obama. “It’s not the same as sitting in the White House and being part of the conversation day in, day out.” Yet in a region where perceptions of strength are paramount, Friedman automatically has credibility because of his very public ties to Trump -and that alone will help cement his influence. Friedman, the son of a rabbi, is a Long Island native who also has an apartment in Jerusalem described as “magnificent” by friend Philip Rosen, who was briefly his law school roommate and has since worked with him on Trump bankruptcies. In the past, Friedman has contributed to Democrats and Republicans, including to former Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada, current Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer of New York and former Vice President Joe Biden. That’s not unusual in his circles, where politically minded Jews give to pro-Israel candidates on both sides of the aisle. But it is his giving in Israel

that bothers his critics, who fear that his strong support for Jewish settlements -including major backing for one deep in the West Bank, where the Friedman name is plastered on multiple buildings -will make it difficult for him to relate to anyone beyond the American and Israeli hard right. Worse, they fear that he will have no interest in doing so. Fueling those anxieties is Friedman’s record of provocative statements about those who struck him as insufficiently pro-Israel, including liberal Jews. Last summer he accused the progressive J Street organization of being worse than Jews who aided the Nazis. He walked back those remarks during his confirmation hearings, but that wasn’t enough to quiet concerns from everyone. “It’s a signal from Donald Trump, like so many other things, that it’s ‘my way or the highway,’ “ said Andrew Weinstein, the finance director of the Florida Democratic Party, who helped Obama with Jewish outreach. “I have concerns, as reflected by a confirmation vote in the Senate, which was closer than for any other ambassador to Israel in history.” Indeed, ambassadors to Israel typically enjoy broad bipartisan support. But Friedman was confirmed by the Senate in late March largely along party lines and over the objections of even strongly pro-Israel Democrats who were bothered by his past rhetoric. Meanwhile, Greenblatt could offer something of a template for Friedman. He was another Orthodox Jewish Trump lawyer with scant relevant policy experience in the Middle East, and he worked with Friedman to help dismantle language in the Republican Party platform calling for a two-state solution between Israelis and Palestinians. Yet Greenblatt has impressed in diplomatic circles by making an effort to meet with constituencies on all sides of the issue, and he just returned from a summit hosted by the Arab League. He and Friedman already have a relationship going back years, and they spearheaded Trump’s Israel Advisory Committee during the campaign. “Mr. Trump very much relies upon people he trusts. He trusts David. David’s very close with Mr. Kushner, with Mrs. Kushner,” Rosen said, referring to Ivanka Trump. “That will also reflect itself in how people deal with him. It’s going to be very much a positive for his job because of his closeness. It will reflect itself in how seriously they take him.” At the same time, Friedman’s friends say he knows his place as ambassador. That means ultimately answering to the president, who, despite the hopes of conservatives in Israel and the United States, has so far not moved the American embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, has not unraveled the multilateral Iran nuclear deal and has advised the Israeli government to cool it on the settlement building. They point to Friedman’s background as an attorney with a major New York law firm to argue that he understands the meaning of going to bat for the client - in this case, for the Trump administration. “I don’t think there will be that many differences between the U.S. policy that Mr. Trump puts forth from what (Friedman) believes,” Rosen said. “But if there are, David is going to be, as he was as a lawyer, a great advocate for his client’s interests.”


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are experiencing on campus, while bringing students from all different groups together. “At first we wanted to do a student mixer, but after talking to different organizations like CEPA, the Racial Justice Coalition under CMASS [Center for Multicultural Advancement and Student Success], Student Bridges and individuals in my life, we started cultivating a bit more to what we have now; an open mic rather than just a student mixer,” she said. Meir Yishai Barth, the SGA undersecretary of diversity, spoke about how it was important to include the forum portion of the event for allowing people to come together and exchange ideas. He said one of the goals of the event is to start breaking down barriers between people through creative expression on top of creating an open, safe space to have a facilitated discussion that will allow for the process of skillbuilding. “On an individual, as opposed to a communal

level, the fostering of diversity is a skill. It’s not just something that happens naturally,” said Barth. Barth said he hopes this event will lay a foundation for other similar events in the future. Similarly, Igharosa said she hopes that she can create follow up events and build initiatives for the next semester and next year. “I deeply want to advocate for communities on campus and increase resources and availability, and just help them in any way I can,” said Igharosa. The open mic is open to everyone of all identities and communities. For those who would like to perform, they can can email sgadiversity@, hmontagu@ or show up to the event ready to perform. Abigail Charpentier can be reached at and followed on Twitter @abigailcharp.

Zuma may face no confidence motion this year B y Arabile G umede Bloomberg News

JOHANNESBURG — South African Parliament Speaker Baleka Mbete said she’s considering a request to recall lawmakers to debate an opposition-sponsored motion of no confidence in President Jacob Zuma, after he made Cabinet changes that top ruling party officials said was done without consulting them. “Given the seriousness inherent in the motions of no confidence and their implication on the nation, I have therefore decided to cut my trip to Bangladesh short to ensure that these requests are given the appropriate consideration,” Mbete said Sunday. Parliament is on its Easter recess. Zuma and his Cabinet would have to resign if a no-confidence motion succeeds, Masibulele Xaso, the National Assembly secretary, said at a briefing. Mbete ruled out a secret ballot in a possible vote, saying it’s not in the rules of Parliament. The announcement followed increased pressure from the African National Congress and opposition parties that’s been building on the president since he fired Finance Minister Pravin Gordhan and made 19 other changes to his administration Friday. The demand for action by Parliament came from the main opposition parties, the Democratic Alliance and the Economic Freedom Front. The decision by Zuma to fire Gordhan, with whom he feuded over control of state finances, and to not consult with his top party officials on the other Cabinet changes brought to the open South Africa’s biggest political crisis in almost a decade. Zuma replaced Gordhan with former Home Affairs Minister Malusi Gigaba, who has no financial or business experience. The ANC has used its 62 percent majority in the 400-seat National Assembly to block four motions of no confidence,

which required a simple majority to pass, and one impeachment attempt filed by the opposition since Zuma took office in May 2009. The outcome this time is less certain after Deputy President Cyril Ramaphosa, ANC Secretary-General Gwede Mantashe and TreasurerGeneral Zweli Mkhize publicly questioned the manner in which the Cabinet changes were handled. The three make up half of the party’s committee of top officials. Jackson Mthembu, the ANC’s chief whip in Parliament, also criticized the decision to fire Gordhan, while the South African Communist Party, which is in an alliance with the ANC, urged Zuma to quit, describing his actions as “recklessness.” Mbete said that it isn’t in the ANC’s “culture” to publicly criticize its leaders and that there’s no rule forcing the president to consult with the party’s top echelons to discuss Cabinet changes. Mkhize said the president’s failure to consult the ANC’s top leadership about the rest of the Cabinet changes “left a distinct impression that the ANC is no longer the center” of decision making in the government. ANC leaders are scheduled to meet on Monday. The Cabinet changes were made less than nine months before Zuma is due to step down as ANC leader, and a year after the nation’s top court found that he violated his oath of office when he refused to repay public money spent on his private home. His second and final term as the nation’s president is due to end in 2019. “I am alive to the extreme challenges and sense of anxiety that our young democracy is going through at this moment,” Mbete said. “Our people are looking to Parliament to play its part and exercise its constitutional responsibilities.”


Monday, April 3, 2017


Over half of voters say Trump Residents to flee Mosul has weakened the country By Molly Hennessy-Fiske Los Angeles Times

By Anita Kumar McClatchy Washington Bureau

WASHINGTON — He hasn’t even been in office three months but half of the nation’s voters already say President Donald Trump has weakened the United States’ role in the world, according to a new McClatchy-Marist poll. ` Since he was inaugurated in January, Trump has been criticized for a series of what some call foreign policy missteps: authorizing a raid in Yemen in which a Navy SEAL died, criticizing a deal that calls for the U.S. to accept 1,250 refugees from Australia, and insulting German Chancellor Angela Merkel by refusing to shake her hand when they met at the White House. `And in January, Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto canceled a meeting with Trump after the U.S. president insisted that Mexico pay for a wall along the U.S. southern border. Fifty-five percent of voters polled said Trump has weakened the U.S.’s role in the world, up from 52 percent in February. That includes 83 percent of Democrats but also includes 59 percent of independents, 17 percent of Republicans and 12 percent of those who called themselves Trump supporters. Thirty-six percent said he has made the U.S. stronger. Nine percent were unsure. Trump has invited several world leaders to the White House, including Prime Ministers Theresa May of Britain, Justin Trudeau of Canada, Shinzo Abe of Japan, Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel and Lars Lokke Rasmussen of Denmark. He will meet with Egyptian President AbdelFattah el Sissi Monday and

Jordanian King Abdullah II Wednesday. He will Chinese President Xi Jinping later this week at his Florida resort, Mar-a-Lago. Trump is expected to take his first trip abroad as president in May when he attends the Group of Seven and NATO summits in Belgium and Italy. He is also expected to visit Canada and Britain this year. “Even in the past month, his numbers for the image of the United States on the world stage and in his meeting with foreign leaders have declined, including among his GOP base,” said Lee Miringoff, director of the Marist College Institute for Public Opinion in New York, which conducted the survey. “There is a fine line between showing strength and being confrontational in international matters and President Trump is still trying to find that line.” Trump and his aides have long been criticized for his friendly relations with Russian President Vladimir Putin. Recently, FBI Director James Comey confirmed that his agency is investigating possible collusion between Trump campaign advisers and Russia. Trump has said he would consider lifting the sanctions imposed against Russia for its annexation of Crimea, and suggested that he is open to recognizing Crimea as Russian territory. The White House already has loosened financial sanctions against Russia’s security agency that the Obama administration imposed as punishment for Russia’s meddling in November’s presidential election and for Russia’s 2014 annexation of Crimea. By 48-39 percent, voters

said Trump’s relationship with Putin is mostly a bad thing for the United States. That includes 80 percent of Democrats, 47 percent of independents, 11 percent of Republicans and 8 percent of those who called themselves Trump supporters. That’s essentially uncharged from February, when the tally was 47-39 percent. Cheryl Lewis, an independent voter from Coral Springs, Fla., who did not vote for either Trump nor Hillary Clinton last year,, said Trump has good ideas but is surrounding himself with bad people. “The way he speaks out is bad,” Lewis said. “I still feel he has a lot of contribute if he can learn. He’s not a politician.” Thirty-three percent of voters polled said the country is less safe from terrorist attacks since Trump became president. Nineteen percent said the county is safer, safe, while 46 percent said it’s about the same. Two percent said they were unsure. Those who feel less safe include 56 percent of Democrats, 30 percent of independents, 5 percent of Republicans and 4 percent of those who called themselves Trump supporters. More than half of voters polled said they oppose Trump’s temporary halt on immigration from six Muslim-majority countries: Iran, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, Syria and Yemen. A federal judge in Hawaii last month temporarily blocked Trump’s travel ban hours before it was to go into effect. It was the second time a Trump order seeking to temporarily limit U.S. entry from Muslim-majority countries has been blocked by a federal judge.

A tax at the border could be the next Republican debate By Alex Daugherty McClatchy Washington Bureau WA S H I N G T O N — President Donald Trump wants to tackle the tax code after the failure of the Republican health care bill, a huge undertaking considering that the code hasn’t changed substantially since the Ronald Reagan administration. Trump has a fellow business man in Congress eager to tackle taxes. Rep. Roger Williams, R-Texas, a car dealer, proposed a tax plan last year in anticipation of a friendly face in the White House. Now, he wants to work with Trump to get something done. But there’s a potential hang-up. A tax bill could not increase the federal deficit after 10 years without 60 60 votes in the Senate. Republicans have only 52 seats. So the House Republican leadership must propose to raise taxes or cut spending to pay for a lower tax rate. The current proposal, supported by House Speaker Paul Ryan, R-Wis., and Ways and Means Committee Chairman Kevin Brady, R-Texas, would impose a border adjustment tax on imported goods. The tax would supposedly raise $1.2 trillion over 10 years to offset decreased federal revenue caused by lower corporate and personal taxes. Its proponents argue that the tax would benefit U.S.-based manufacturing. But the border adjustment tax is a non-starter for Williams and some Senate Republicans. “In my business, if I want to cut my car prices to try and

sell more cars, I don’t raise prices, I lower prices and cut expenses,” Williams said. “That’s what you do in your family, that’s what we all do. This is no different. And a 5 percent border tax increases the cost of goods, it flows to the consumer and it’s just a tax increase.” Instead of a border adjustment tax, Williams said conservatives need to get serious about cutting expenses to make a tax proposal deficitneutral. Williams wants to cut the Education Department, but doing so would not come near what would be required to lower tax rates. Harry Stein, director of fiscal policy at the liberal Center for American Progress, said Republicans don’t have a plan to make tax cuts revenue-neutral in the long term, even if a boarder adjustment tax passes. “On the House side, Ryan and Brady have been very clear they want to do something permanent, but the Better Way tax plan isn’t revenue neutral,” Stein said. “I think there’s a rhetoric versus reality disconnect there that’s important. Even if you take most dynamic score it loses $1.9 trillion in the second decade.” Williams said he’s been in contact with Gary Cohn, Trump’s chief economic adviser and former chief operating officer of Goldman Sachs, about his tax proposal, but it’s unclear where Trump stands on the border adjustment tax. Proponents of the measure hoped that Trump would embrace the idea after railing against free-trade agreements in his campaign, and that a tax on foreignmade goods would appeal

to Trump’s populist streak. However, Trump has been largely silent on the proposal since taking office. Big importers like Wal-Mart and Target are pushing the White House to reconsider the House plan. “We have a great relationship with Chairman Brady, but on this one we just flat out disagree with the approach,” said Texas Retailers Association president and chief executive George Kelemen. “Specific to Texas, it’s our grocery sector ... we import avocados, bananas and coffee. Those are products we don’t produce or grow enough of and if you put a 20 percent tax on all that imagine what that does to the household grocery bill.” A number of Senate Republicans oppose a border adjustment tax. Arguably the biggest opponent is Sen. Tom Cotton, R-Ark., as Wal-Mart is based in his state. Sen. John Cornyn, R-Texas, wrote in a Twitter post in January that “there’s many unanswered questions about proposed border adjustment tax. Sen. David Perdue, R-Ga., sent a letter to his colleagues in February criticizing the proposal. If three senators voted against a tax bill, plan, it would fail. Williams said the White House can learn a lot to prepare for a tax fight after the Affordable Care Act replacement bill failed in spectacular fashion. He said speeding the bill through Congress would result in a half-baked proposal that satisfies no one. “We have to have this conversation so we don’t have another health care debacle,” Williams said. “But tax reform in my mind is pretty easy.”

HAMAM ALIL, Iraq — They camp on muddy corners, beside an abandoned mosque and in the rainsoaked ruins of a soccer stadium - families displaced by ongoing fighting in Mosul are filling emergency camps in this smaller city about 20 miles south. Disabled boys arrived in wheelchairs, and elderly men limped in on metal braces and canes. Ashraf Mohammed Nouri came clutching his wideeyed, 11-month-old daughter, Manara. Most of their family, including Manara’s mother, had been killed when their house was struck during fighting in west Mosul a week earlier, Nouri said. His mother had been hospitalized on the city’s east side. “We don’t know what happened to her,” Nouri said of his mother as he awaited security screening at the camp entrance. “I just want to go and see my family.” An estimated 400,000 Iraqi civilians remain trapped in Mosul’s western Old City as fighting intensifies and people continue to flee, United Nations officials warned. “The worst is yet to come,” said Bruno Geddo, the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees’ Iraq representative. Meeting with civilians at the UNHCR camp at Hamam Alil, Geddo said the number of people moving through has “surged” in recent days with up to 12,000 arriving daily. More than 350,000 people have been displaced since the fighting in Mosul started last October, and up to 500,000 could flee by the time it’s over, according to Iraqi and United Nations officials. During a visit to a displaced persons camp east of Mosul on Friday, U.N. Secretary-General Antonio Guterres urged the world to do more to help those who have “suffered enormously and go on suffering.” “This is a moment in which the Iraqi people, the people of Mosul, need the solidarity of the international community,” Guterres said. Aid agencies warned at the start of the Mosul offensive that hundreds of thousands could flee the fighting. Instead, many families on the east side initially sheltered in place, and those who did flee found shelter at hastily erected emergency camps. Now, however, with fighting intensifying as troops move deeper into the more densely populated west side, shortages abound and the exodus has accelerated, with some arriving barefoot and bereft, straining Hamam Alil. After more than 200 civilians were killed in what witnesses described as an airstrike, the U.S.-led coalition

opened an investigation into whether it was responsible, and U.N. officials expressed concern for the welfare of civilians trapped in the city. “Nothing in this conflict is more important than protecting civilians,” said Lise Grande, the U.N.’s humanitarian coordinator for Iraq. “Parties to the conflict - all parties - are obliged to do everything possible to protect civilians. This means that combatants cannot use people as human shields and cannot imperil lives through indiscriminate use of firepower.” The camp in Hamam Alil, like many surrounding Mosul, was quickly erected to provide the bare essentials: a fence for security, shelter under hundreds of white family tents, larger group tents designed to hold 150 people temporarily, and latrines, all lined up along dirt roads that quickly turn to mud when it rains. Two weeks ago, 45,000 west Mosul residents were displaced, a 22 percent increase from the previous week, according to the United Nations. In late March, 215,306 displaced people were housed at 22 camps and emergency sites in the Mosul area, with an additional eight sites under construction, according to figures from the U.N., Institute of Migration and camp managers. Eight of those camps were full, including Hamam Alil, which housed 30,000. And those figures don’t include thousands of others who have passed through Hamam Alil to other locations or stayed at informal settlements outside the camps, like the ruins of a mosque and soccer stadium. “There are tents waiting,” said Heidi Diedrich, Iraq country director for the Norwegian Refugee Council, which runs the camp in Hamam Alil and has increased aid in recent weeks along with other nonprofits. “Although many people are choosing to stay elsewhere, we are also trying to meet the needs of these people.” Melany Markham, a spokeswoman for the Norwegian Refugee Council, was at the camp recently and spoke with some of those settled just outside its gates. “It’s complicated because all of the people who are displaced make their own decisions,” she said later. “For example, I met a 12-year-old boy and they have a lot of livestock, which they can’t have in the camp. So they’re staying by the mosque.” There are other reasons why displaced families may wait to be housed at the same camp, she said: “There are ethnic and religious groups, or neighbors, who just want to say together.” After Abdul Hadi Mohammed, 52, hobbled

out of west Mosul with his Sunni family, his right leg injured by shrapnel from a mortar round, he was treated at a clinic in Hamam Alil but then chose to leave in an attempt to rejoin relatives at a camp in east Mosul. He arrived to find Kurdish soldiers steering him to a different camp. Mohammed balked. His family ended up stuck at a military checkpoint. “We don’t know if there is space or not,” Mohammed said as he waited on crutches by the side of the road. The Iraqi government revised its estimate of those expected to be displaced from western Mosul from 250,000 to 400,000, and expects the daily rate of displacement to exceed 10,000. Prime Minister Haider Abadi announced initiatives to address the crisis, including increases in personnel, transportation and funding for the Iraqi Red Crescent. An extension of the Hamam Alil camp under construction nearby is expected to double its capacity, Markham said. New camp construction around Mosul is expected to create shelter for nearly 276,000 additional displaced people. Outside one of scores of tents at the Hamam Alil camp housing 150 people each, Ghanim Mohammed said he barely managed to flee west Mosul last month with his two children. “We were in the crossfire between Islamic State and the (Iraqi) army. It was a miracle that we escaped,” he said. Mohammed, 26, a laborer, wasn’t sure where they would go next, since their home was destroyed by mortar rounds. He was grateful for his spot in the tent, near a World Health Organization mobile clinic, portable bathrooms and food distribution. He knows other families squatting in the ruins of nearby buildings, which have not been fully cleared of bombs planted by militants. Mohammed and camp staff pointed to a building where a family had been staying. They accidentally triggered a bomb and died. Just up the street, 38 displaced people - including more than a dozen children - camped under the concrete ruins of the soccer stadium stands. They arrived the day before, cordoned off an area the size of two rooms with rope, bedsheets and comforters, then covered the ground with cardboard boxes. “We feel secure in the area because police are around and they are protecting us,” said Samir Taha Tahsin, 42, although police had not told him about the dangers of hidden explosives.


“Humor is just another defense against the universe.”- Mel Brooks

Monday, April 3, 2017

Lack of diversity in UMass basketball

Letters to the edItor

To the Editor:

There seems to have been confusion over who was get-

sons at Indiana University South Bend. Before coming to UMass, Elishavea Azarael Matt McCall was Chattanooga’s head coach for two seasons and ting phone calls for the position had been an assistant coach at of University of Massachusetts Florida Atlantic and University Amherst head basketball coach of Florida. Before that, he after Derek Kellogg’s termi- had only served as a manager nation. The Athletic Director, and a director of basketball Ryan Bamford, claims that it operations, both at University was just “a timing thing,” as of Florida. Additionally, he they were scattering around to never played basketball at figure out who they were going the college level. His experito hire as a replacement. ence altogether adds up to 15 In the supposed rush, Pat years. Shrewsberry’s adds up Kelsey, the current coach for to 22. And four of them are the Winthrop Eagles, was hired, with the National Basketball then backed out of the job 35 Association. minutes before his introduc- You do the math. Does it tory press conference. During this haphazard process, Boston Celtics assistant coach Micah Shrewsber ry was called in for two interviews. But instead, Matt McCall was sound outrageous? It should. hired as the new head coach. It’s alarming for multiple rea I was a little quick to judge sons. The most important reain the beginning, but I guess sons are success—and diverit gives us hope for the future, sity. Shrewsberry happens to considering the program’s be one of an increasingly small recent dry spell. His success percentage of Black coaches in rate is surprising for such a the business. young coach. Shrewsberry was inter In his first season with viewed for the position twice Chattanooga, McCall racked last month. It’s possible he up 29 wins, the most a first- could have been asking for year coach attained that year a lot of money, but Kellogg nationally. He was coined the was Massachusetts’ highest Southern Conference Coach of paid state employee, earning the Year in 2016 and even took a approximately $1 million a pay cut to coach for UMass. year. That sum was promised But I still think that the hiring to increase had he performed of McCall over Shrewsberry is well. a little too suspicious to ignore. Officials might not have McCall may have a great wanted to chance paying big record, but Shrewsberry has money before seeing quality more experience. He played col- work. But the NBA is to ball lege basketball for four years at players what Broadway is to Hanover College, has served as stage actors. Shrewsberry’s the assistant coach for Purdue professional coaching experiUniversity, Butler University, ence makes him more than Wabash College and DePauw qualified to coach for college University. He had a stint in ball. Not hiring him was itself a basketball operations at both gamble with our team’s future Butler and Marshall. He was success. I’d rather pay top dolalso head coach for two sea- lar for a shot at professional-

A couple of days ago, Bradley Polumbo wrote an Op/Ed to “liberal snowflake” activists, specifically stating several organizations that he believes are engaging in activism that doesn’t actually matter. UMass Students for Reproductive Justice (USRJ) was one of the organizations named for our involvement in the International Women’s Day event, which was actually not a protest, but a rally aimed at raising awareness around a variety of women’s issues. We think it’s necessary to respond to these claims and hopefully clarify the truth surrounding Planned Parenthood’s work and our own. The author, along with 31 percent of voters, presumably believes an entire organization (that millions of people rely on for a wide range of medical services), should be defunded because abortion is one of the many medical services they provide. While they are proud and unashamed to provide abortions, Planned Parenthood has also created accessibility to other important services such as STI testing/treatment, information and consulting around sexual and reproductive health, contraception, physical exams, cancer screenings, pregnancy testing, breast/chest exams, prenatal services, pap smears, and much more. It is important to note that abortion is a legal medical procedure. The 1973 ruling of Roe v. Wade made abortion legal in this country, but we know that the legal status of it is often not enough to ensure access. The fight for this access continues to be an ongoing battle. Although federal funding through Medicaid has been prohibited from being used for abortion since the Hyde Amendment was introduced in 1976, anti-abortion legislators have continued to try to cut federal funding for the entirety of services provided by Planned Parenthood. It’s apparently not enough to make abortions financially inaccessible, as they insist on passing as many restrictions as possible.

quality performance on and off the court than throw chump change at the greater possibility for getting less than stellar. According to the most recent College Sport Racial and Gender Report Card, only 22.3 percent of all Division I basketball coaches were Black in 2015. That same report says that in the 2005-2006 season, 25.2 were Black, meaning diversity has only decreased in the last decade. Other organizations are calling for an NCAA version of the National Football League’s Rooney Rule, which requires all professional football teams to interview at least one minority when searching for new head coaches. Though not quite perfect, because of the rule, the number of Black head coaches in the league nearly tripled from 2003 to 2011. According to The Washington Post, the lack of diversity in college football head coaching is due to a lack of diversity in high offices. There has never been a minority NCAA president, nor has there ever been a minority commissioner for any of the Power Five conferences. The firms universities pay for coach-searching are mostly white, and influential news reporting is made up of mostly white people. The Post’s article says that “studies on hiring practices and unconscious biases... suggest we tend to favor those who are similar to us.” This means that there’s an underlying, trickle-down buddy system going on within college sports that UMass may be participating in, whether the school’s administration is aware of it or not.

“There has never been a minority NCAA president, nor has there ever been a minority commissioner for any of the Power Five conferences.”

One category of these restrictions is the “Targeted Regulation of Abortion Provider” laws, or TRAP laws for short. They include restrictions that make it harder to perform and receive abortions by creating unnecessary regulations beyond what is necessary to ensure patient safety. They force clinics to comply with requirements that are costly or sometimes not feasible for their facility, making them very vulnerable to being shut down. They require abortion providers to have admitting privileges at a local nearby hospital, yet many hospitals will not give admitting privileges to doctors that perform abortions. These are just a few examples of the laws in place prior to a patient actually attempting to access an abortion, where they often face their own barriers. Some examples of this can be the cost of the service and lack of insurance coverage, the distance to the nearest facility and a lack of transportation to it, along with mandated waiting periods between consultation and the procedure. The author also cited a false claim that Planned Parenthood sells “body parts” of aborted fetuses for profit. In fact, the anti-abortion activists responsible for the filming just received 15 felony charges for invading the privacy of medical providers. They used fake identities, created a fake bioresearch company and edited footage all to advance their own agenda of trying to target and take down Planned Parenthood by whatever means necessary. When we show up for Planned Parenthood, we’re showing up for the rights of students on our campus. We’re actively working with University Health Services and the Women’s Health Clinic to increase access to reproductive health services. We want to make sure that trans and queer people are able to be in these spaces knowing there is ease of access, compassion and respect. We want to address some of the barriers that pregnant students may be facing in accessing abortions. We want to ensure that confidentiality and transparency are top priorities. We want to ensure that the services are comprehensive and that financial and scheduling constraints don’t deter anyone. It is evident that movements have formulated and transcended on college campuses. Activists have been the leading organizers, participants, minds and ultimately bodies creating these movements, and therefore, change. Activists are those that push for progress to be made, and we don’t find comfort in systems that have continued to stay the same. Part of the reason there are rallies, protests and other educational spaces is to foster awareness around silence-inducing, short-sighted and under-researched voices. There is a lot of work to be done right here, and right now. If you want to join in on the “good fight”, get in touch. Connect with UMass Students for Reproductive Justice through Facebook, or stop by our meetings on Wednesdays at 7 p.m. in the Student Union Room 413. Josie Pinto , President of UMass Students for Reproductive Justice

Elisheva Azarael is a Collegian columnist and be reached at

Driverless cars challenge to innovation

Driverless cars may revolutionize our transportation system.

James Mazarakis They may also be the greatest disappointment in transportation technology. Either way, they are probably the future. When employed properly, self-driving cars are safer, more alert, and able to communicate with other cars through sensors and analytical software. Since electric car technology is becoming more affordable and better for the environment, they could also help reduce our reliance on fossil fuels. But the self-driving car, like the Internet, is a technology that will change the way we operate our daily lives. These changes are not inherently harmful, but ignoring them could have immeasurable consequences. Driverless cars seem great for the consumer who gets the benefits of a car without work, especially if they are marketed on an affordable subscription

or rental service akin to Uber or Lyft. But could this backfire if too many people use them? The impact of driverless cars on traffic is a hotly debated topic. “Vehicles [today] spend most of their time being parked, not being used,” says Regina Ruby Lee Clewlow, a postdoctoral scholar at Stanford. If driverless cars drop people off and leave to pick someone else instead of parking, traffic will ease. This belief also predicts the system will encourage carpooling and transport more people efficiently. But another study paints this view as optimistic. Computer scientist Tim Roughgarden writes that driverless cars will only ease traffic by 33 percent, alleging that it will be difficult for routers to “shuffle packets of data across the Internet,” much like other Internet systems today. In other words, we may watch cars slow down and stop on North Pleasant Street someday and blame it on Eduroam. Writer Brian Christian

and cognitive scientist Tom Griffiths also claim that congestion—the number of cars on the road—trumps orderly movement. This is important because driverless cars’ business model is accessibility: Since the car will be more of a service than a skill, more people will be able to ride a driverless car even if they are underage, intoxicated or blind. If the demand for rides exceeds the congestion saved by the technology—which is debatable—traffic might be just as bad as it is today. There is an argument in sustainability, too, which warns that driverless car dependency is still car dependency. Smarter

spent, and studies have shown that areas that are better for pedestrians have communities with better physical health. This will probably not concern the driverless car industry, but the case against car dependency entirely is an important perspective in the conversation. Their impact on the job market is also concerning. Almost three percent of working Americans today drive trucks, cabs or buses as part of their job, so the proliferation of this technology will have consequences. Thesejobswon’tbedestroyed overnight—projections have the end of manual cars slated for 2070—but businesses transporting goods will certainly make t h e sw i t c h as soon as it is profitable. This problem is part of a greater question of what to do as technology continues to eliminate so many forms of

“I fear the expectation that driverless cars are the new status quo more than I fear their existence…” land-use policy in cities with a greater emphasis on mixeduse areas and more density can solve transportation issues without extra traffic or energy

employment. Do we start forcing companies to keep these jobs? Or will we move toward a system like universal basic income? Both are hard to couple with American economic philosophy, but to sit by and watch income stop flowing to the middle and working class entirely could bring us to a worse era of income inequality. My last concern here regards cybersecurity. Many talk about cybersecurity as a problem to solve, but for which breakthroughs and tweaks will push it to the wayside in a few years. That’s not the case: cybersecurity is a fundamental problem with technology that will follow it with each step into the future. For every patch there will be adaption, and every new important server creates a new market for hackers. Cybersecurity will take more and more expertise to maintain, and the more we depend on technology the more we will depend on services that protect us. Self-driving cars will proba-

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The Massachusetts Daily Collegian is published Monday through Thursday during the University of Massachusetts calendar semester. The Collegian is independently funded, operating on advertising revenue. Founded in 1890, the paper began as Aggie Life, became the College Signal in 1901, the Weekly Collegian in 1914 and the Tri–Weekly Collegian in 1956. Published daily from 1967 to 2014, The Collegian has been broadsheet since January 1994. For advertising rates and information, call 413-545-3500.

bly use the Internet to communicate with other cars, so it will be up to the security of these cars to keep millions of lives safe from targeted hacks. The importance of this cannot be understated: cyberterrorism will reach a new level if any vulnerability in a car system is exploited, through shutting down communication between cars or even manufacturing accidents. Do these points make selfdriving cars a farce? Not necessarily. What matters now is how the market and government react to these developments. I fear the expectation that driverless cars are the new status quo more than I fear their existence, since diversity in transportation is better than any single sort of dependence. Thankfully, we have a decade or more to debate this issue before we get to this stage, giving our country time for national debate. James Mazarakis is a Collegian columnist and can be reached at

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Monday, April 3, 2017

“Everybody that knows me knows my tagline is ‘Miss Juicy Babbyyy’” - Miss Juicy


Sorority Noise’s latest is a testament to resilience Loss and mental illness are explored By Ryan Cotreau Collegian Correspondent Sorority Noise’s brand of melodic indie-rock— a blend of emo and poppunk—isn’t exactly new territory, with plenty of other popular bands being able to claim a similar sound. Modern Baseball and Tigers Jaw, among others, immediately spring to mind. Yet Sorority Noise is increasingly creating its own lane with each release, further making a name for itself as the group explores different sounds and builds upon the foundations set forth by its early work. That being said, the thing that impresses me the most about “You’re Not as _______ as You Think,” released March 17, isn’t the fact that Sorority Noise seems more polished than ever before. Rather, what’s most impressive is its confessional and honest vocal performances, which blend effortlessly with its instrumental performances, to craft a powerful statement about the nature of depression, loss and addiction. “You’re Not as _______ As You Think” uses instrumentals as a backdrop to ensure that vocalist Cam Boucher’s vocal performances are constantly in the spotlight. I’m not complaining, either; Boucher’s lyrics and vocal delivery are undeniably the album’s biggest draw. The band switches up its sound constantly through-


Sorority Noise’s ‘You’re Not as ______ as You Think’ is a brave, powerful exploration of resilience in the face of mental illness and loss. out the record, giving most of its cuts a distinct feel. The album starts out strongly, with the two first tracks—“No Halo” and “A Portrait Of ”—being instant standouts. Beginning with a plainspoken discussion of suicidal urges and ending with a powerful spoken word outro from Boucher, “A Portrait Of ” is the perfect insight into Sorority Noise’s identity as a band. Delivered with an increasing sense of urgency, the outro features Boucher making a dramatic plea

to preserve the legacy of his friends that took their lives. To get the most out of this record, it’s important to have a good understanding of mental illness in the first place. It’s vital to understand that depression isn’t something that can be controlled. If you have had limited exposure to mental illness, then take the time to consider what a person with mental illness deals with on a daily basis. Listen to the track “A Better Sun,” which

captivatingly illustrates these daily struggles by highlighting the monotony of chronic depression in a clever way. The track starts off each line with the words “this is the part where I…,” showing an accustomed response to all the invasive thoughts that pass through Boucher, who still feels helpless toward them despite his familiarity with them. It’s Boucher’s struggles that make Sorority Noise, a group that never glamorizes mental illness, so

the themes of loss, depression, and anxiety are present throughout most of the album, that doesn’t mean there aren’t glimmers of hope. Another standout track, “Where Are You?” finds Boucher toying with the idea of verses structured as conversations between himself and a supportive friend, who wants to see him get better and move on. The track takes on a positive tone, complete with sprawling, energetic guitar riffs and the reassurance that as long as he keeps his fallen friends close to him, he’ll be alright. The upbeat moments on this album are seldom throughout, but are vital to the broader theme of the record. When the record takes on this tone, it seems as if you could fill in that blank space in the title with any number of words so as to say, “things aren’t all bad.” The opposite is true as well, as the more grim moments on the album make resolution seemingly impossible. The reality of it is that it’s easy when you’re upset to only focus on the bad in your life, but even though you may be unhappy at the moment, you won’t feel that way forever. In that way, the title is fitting, cause no matter how you feel at any given moment, “You Aren’t as _______ as You Think.”

relatable and appealing. Depending on the listener though, this could either be Sorority Noise’s biggest draw or the group’s fatal flaw. If you don’t seek any emotional fulfillment in music, then you might not be drawn into the intimacy of this record. Take away the lyrical themes of the record, and you’re still left with a solid piece of indierock, but I’d be lying if I said that it wouldn’t change the way I view this record by a significant margin. Ryan Cotreau can be reached at That being said, while


From Feist to Kendrick Lamar: March’s five best singles By Jackson Maxwell Collegian Staff

is currently operating. The other, it seems, is “The Heart Part 4.” Though his cadence is as rapid as ever, Lamar sounds almost restrained in the first verse, easing his way back into things over a mournful beat by reflecting on the nature of his success. He barely lets himself finish the first chorus though, before absolutely going off. Syk Sense, AxlFolie, Alchemist and DJ Dahi lay out an austere, ever-shifting landscape on which Lamar utterly obliterates everyone and everything in his crosshairs. “Donald Trump is a chump,” he sneers at one point, “Know how we feel punk? Tell ‘em that God comin’.” After a jaw-dropping three minutes though, Lamar ends with a tease. “Y’all got ‘til April the 7th to get y’all s*** together.” If this is just a warm-up, then April 7 promises something truly remarkable.

March is always one of the more difficult times of the year. The holiday season is a distant memory, but (if you live in a place like, say, Amherst) the cold is as ruthless as ever, making the freedom of summer an impossibly remote prospect. One of its better features, though, is the place March occupies in the music world, as the epicenter of the spring release season. Typically, the March blues can be offset by any number of brilliant new albums, which seem to be released by the handful, and tantalizing glimpses—in the form of singles—of what’s to come in music over the next couple of months. Thankfully, given the particularly stubborn winter we’ve had in 2017, this March hasn’t disappointed in the latter format, with an array of fascinating tracks Julien Baker – “Funeral seeing the light of day Pyre” this past month. Now that March is over, let’s take a While “Funeral Pyre,” look five of the best singles which Matador Records it gave us. released as a 7” on March 17, may not be new to those Kendrick Lamar – “The who have been following Heart Part 4” Julien Baker since her stirring 2015 debut, “Sprained The fact that “untitled Ankle,” blew up last year, unmastered”—the 2016 it’s incredible enough to collection of outtakes and shoehorn in on a technicaldemos Kendrick Lamar ity. recorded during the ses- Debuted as a part of her sions for his landmark much-viewed NPR Tiny 2015 effort, “To Pimp a Desk Concert last year, Butterfly”—was one of the and released digitally in year’s best records is one January, “Funeral Pyre” is of the two best indicators one Baker’s most devastatof the level at which Lamar ing songs. Over a twinkling,

descending riff, Baker describes the torment of being locked in an emotionally destructive relationship. “Call me a coward, but I’m too scared to leave,” she whispers in the chorus, twisting the knife in the listener. The fire metaphors, instead of sounding cheesy or syrupy as usual, make you feel as if you’re actively listening to something wither and burn away. By the time Baker concludes “And it’s true/it’s nothing that we could do,” you’re left with nothing but a feeling of utter devastation.

Lorde – “Green Light” When she exploded into the limelight with the cold, sparse “Royals,” in 2013, it was immediately clear that Lorde, the then-16-year-old New Zealander, was anything but a typical pop star. “Pure Heroine,” the debut album that monster hit anchored, was even more impressive; a startlingly realized glimpse of pop’s future. Aside from her contributions to the soundtrack of the third film in “The Hunger Games” franchise, and her prominent feature on Disclosure’s surreal Los Angeles daydream, “Magnets,” “Green Light” is the first we’ve heard from the singer in the three and a half years since “Pure Heroine.” A glorious demonstration of how comfortable she’s become as one of pop’s foremost chameleons, “Green Light” is a fearless, triumphant breakup

Girlpool – “123”


This month, Julien Baker (pictured above) unleashed the devastating ‘Funeral Pyre.’ anthem. Though smarting from the heartbreak that powers the song—“She says you love the beach you’re such a damn liar,” she growls at one point—she doesn’t remain stuck on it. “I’m waiting for it, that green light, I want it,” she enthuses in an atypical falsetto, bravely reaching for “the brand new sounds” she hears in her mind. If this is any indication, it sure seems like she found them.

Feist – “Pleasure” Many boundary-pushing artists who have flirted just once with commercial success have, unfairly, had the brutal “one-hit wonder” label thrust upon them. Devo (“Whip It”) and Fountains of Wayne (“Stacy’s Mom”) in particular come to mind. Perhaps no one deserves this label less though, than Leslie Feist, known to most of the general public as the author

of the inescapable, Appleabetted 2008 smash, “1 2 3 4.” The cheekiness and ubiquity of “1 2 3 4,” aside from displaying her virtuosity as a master of pop songwriting, did Feist a disservice in many ways, obscuring her artistic fearlessness. On the other hand, “Pleasure,” the lead single of her forthcoming album of the same name (her first since 2011), has no such qualms with exploring Feist’s quietly confrontational side. The muted riff that lies at the song’s core is classic Feist, creating a subtle melody out of seemingly nothing, and burrowing it in your head. Feist, though, cuts off the song’s legs just as it begins to speed headlong into beautiful baroque-pop territory, twisting it into a bare-bones, PJ Harvey-style confessional. It’s a jarring change she chooses to make not once, but twice, keeping us, as much as ever, thrilled and on our toes.

On their 2015 debut as Girlpool, “Before The World Was Big,” Harmony Tividad and Cleo Tucker cloaked their revelatory ruminations on love, friendships and coming of age in a guise of naivete. Tividad and Tucker’s arrangements were bracingly skeletal, their harmonies deadpan and uncertain at their most confident. This coy outer layer was brilliant on their part, because once Tividad and Tucker inevitably began to sound like wise old friends after a couple of listens, it was all the more rewarding. “123,” the duo’s newest single, drops this coyness entirely, and it’s all the better for it. Where Tividad and Tucker used to merely circle each other’s instrumental movements, they now build off of one another. Drums (a new, welcome addition) thunder behind the duo, as they address the complexities of a relationship. By gleefully taking on some of rock’s more boring elements (its inclination toward hyper-masculinity, professionalism and volume for volume’s sake) on “Before The World Was Big,” Girlpool set themselves up beautifully for “123,” an impressive, gloriously cathartic anthem that can stand up to anything on any rock radio station. Jackson Maxwell can be reached at and followed on Twitter at @JMaxwell82.



Monday, April 3, 2017


WE WANT YOUR COMICS! Put your comics in front of thousands of readers. Questions? Comments? Email us:

The Two-Days-Late April Fool’s Edition

Q uote

of the

D ay

“In honor of April Fools Day there will be no pity for fools today! No pity!” - Mr. T W ondermark

B y D avid M alki

The SUPER Sudoku Special! For Beginners The


People Have EXTRA






black beauty

Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

mister ed

Gee whiz! A talking horse! Golly, I wonder what kind of wacky shenanigans and hijinks you’ll get up to today!



Ride like the wind! Somebody’s poisoned the waterhole! There’s a snake in my boot! Reach for the skies! You’re my favorite deputy!


Mar. 21 - Apr. 19


Jul. 23 - Aug. 22

Horseback ride simulation: Trot trot trot trot canter canter canter gallop gallop gallop gallop gallop gallop canter trot trot trot. Whinny.

Feb. 19 - Mar. 20

Is This


Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Feeling low? Like you don’t have enough energy to make it through the day? Just eat lots and lots of carrots! So many carrots!


Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

You are as fine as a thoroughbred racehorse! You could easily compete in any derby, despite those pesky “no human” rules!

You are legendary. Ancient myths tell of your magnificence, and your wings are awesome, too. Plus, you can fly. That’s pretty gnarly.

a big heart and bigger dreams, but some bluebirds weren’t meant to fly, darling.

sitcom. Some of us have to claw our way to the top by stepping on former friends.

Correction: In previous issues, we may have misspelled “sudoku” on the comics page. Please accept our deepest and most sarcastic apologies. For the record, it is not spelled: Apr. 20 - May. 20 bojack Oct. 23 - Nov. 21 Sodoko, suduku, sadokooa, sedoxo, “that silly number game”, sidokes, zydeco, sukudo, flicka sad-ucko, seppuku, sudokudukodo, psycho, sicko, Jason Sudeikis, shaq fu, or sudoku. I know you’re just a small-town farmgirl with Not all of us can be child stars of a nineties


May. 21 - Jun. 21

You shall not pass your classes if you neglect your self-esteem. Just go out every day thinking you look fly, you fools.


Jun. 22 - Jul. 22

Don’t forget to wear a mask today. You never know when you might be recognized. Plus, you’ll look really cool. Hi-Ho!


Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

li’l sebastian

Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

Today will be your crowning achievement. In fact, it’ll be triple that. A triple crowning achievement. I would bet on it!

Make sure you don’t yell too much, you’ll hurt your throat. Then you’ll be a little hoarse. Nobody wants that.


B y R andall M unroe


Monday, April 3, 2017



UM wins two of three Minutewomen win series over Colonials By Zander Manning Collegian Staff

Massachusetts Athletics announced via Twitter on Wednesday that the UMass softball team’s matchup with Boston University Thursday had been moved to Amherst and that its first Atlantic 10 matchup vs. George Washington was moved to Washington D.C. due to impending weather. Despite not playing at Sortino Field, the Minutewomen (12-15, 2-1 A-10) were designated as the home team as they took two out of three from the Colonials (14-16, 1-5 A-10) over the weekend. “We started the weekend out really slow and as a staff we reminded them of what our end goal was and what we set out to accomplish, that we needed a little more competitiveness and fight if we wanted to come out on top,” UMass coach Kristi Stefanoni said.

UMass wins in walk off 4-3 Sunday Coming into the bottom of the seventh inning, the Minutewomen trailed the Colonials 3-1. After freshman Kate Dennis and sophomore center fielder Erin Stacevicz both reached base on singles with two outs, freshman pitcher Candace Davis stepped in and singled to score both runners on base, tying the game at three. Sophomore shortstop


Minutewomen split Saturday’s games with Colonials

third with Stavinoha at the plate. Stavinoha hit a line drive to left field that sent junior Alana Anderson back far enough to allow Stacevicz (who was on third) to score and Denis (on second) to get to third, making it 3-0. Sophomore Kaycee Carbone stepped up to the plate next and singled to right center, scoring Stacevicz and making it 4-0. Stacevicz opened the home-half of the first with a single to left center, then advanced two bases later on a wild pitch. After Stavinoha popped out to third base, Carbone singled to right, scoring Stacevicz for the first run of the game. The Minutewomen scored again in the second as Stacevicz drove in Dennis to make it 2-0. In the top of the third inning in the first game Saturday with UMass trailing 1-0, Shelepak hit a basesclearing double to right center, putting the Colonials up 4-0. In the bottom of the seventh inning, Stavinoha drove Dennis in to make 4-1. GW opened the scoring in the first inning when freshman Jenna Cone hit a solo home run, making it 1-0. The Minutewomen play their second series at Sortino Field on Wednesday when they take on Fairleigh Dickinson in a doubleheader. First pitch is slated for 2 p.m. And 4 p.m. barring any unforeseen weather in the forecast.

In the bottom of the fifth inning of the second game Zander Manning can be reached Saturday, leading 2-0, UMass at and had runners on second and followed on Twitter @ZMSportsReport.

continued from page 8

and having people come off the bench and contribute. I think our bench did a great job today.” UMass also surpassed its team record of goals in single-game with 24 verse St. Joes. Confidence was prevalent for the Minutewomen as they looked calm, cool and collected almost every time they entered the attacking zone. “I think as the days, and the weeks and the months have gone on we’ve gotten more chemistry together, and I think that just came


Kaitlyn Stavinoha followed with a single to right field, scoring Davis and giving UMass a walk-off win 4-3 over the Colonials, her third run batted of the weekend. “Kate and Erin had huge at bats for us in that last inning which set up Candace and Kaitlyn to secure the win,” Stefanoni said. GW got started in the first inning Sunday when freshman Priscilla Martinez singled, scoring fellow freshman Jessica Linquist, putting them up 1-0. The Colonials went up 2-0 in the fourth inning when freshman pitcher Faith Weber drove in freshman Elena Shelepak who advanced to third on a double by junior utility player Rochelle Draper. After Martinez drove in Linquist again in the fifth inning to go up 3-0, UMass got on the board by virtue of a base hit by senior Ashton Wince, making the score 3-1. Junior Meg Colleran got the start in the circle for the Minutewomen. She went all seven innings and got the win allowing three runs— two earned—on seven hits, with four strikeouts and four walks. She also threw 122 pitches. improving to 6-8 on the season. “Meg really hung on strong for the team the entire game,” Stefanoni said. “It was a total team effort.”

with time,” Burnett said. “I think that our chemistry has taken us off to a new level.” UMass threw 50 total shots to Hawks goalkeeper Amelia Deibler (10 saves) and went four-for-seven in free position shots. “I think it’s because we have so many contributors,” McMahon added about her team’s confidence. “We’ve been working really hard in practice, had really challenging, hard practices, and I think ultimately if we challenge them really hard in

practice they can come out and game days will hopefully be easier for them.” The Minutewomen had 12 different players registering a point in their commanding victory, with 10 of them compiling multi-point efforts. It also marked the second straight game UMass won by at least 10 scores, and its 47th consecutive conference win. Ryan Ames can be reached at or on Twitter @_RyanAmes.

continued from page 8

the game tied UMass’ singlegame points record at 10. “(Hannah’s) connections with her teammates and her ability to read plays and what’s in front of her have been key,” said McMahon. “She’s being aggressive, she’s timing her cuts well, but also her teammates are finding her and she’s putting the ball away. You want to get her the ball as much as you can, because she’s a fantastic finisher, and hope-

fully that keeps going for us.” While the Hawks employed a run-andgun strategy for much of Sunday’s game, the Minutewomen offense was based on patience. McMahon’s team was setting hard screens and making sharp cuts to free up shooters on nearly every offensive possession. UMass’ 13 first-half goals was its second highest scor-

ing output of any half this season, the largest coming in its previous game against Virginia Commonwealth (14 in the first half). The Minutewomen will travel to North Carolina to face the Davidson College Wildcats this Friday in their third A-10 contest of the year. Henry Brechter can be reached at and followed on Twitter @HBrechter.


Minutemen give up 35 runs over three combined games UMass swept by Morehead State By Christopher Marino Collegian Staff

The Massachusetts baseball team dropped three straight to Morehead State and was outscored by a combined 24 runs, to slide to 6-13 on the season this past weekend. Highlighted by Sunday’s 28 hit explosion, dominant hitting keyed two comeback efforts in the first two games of the series and a 22-0 thumping to cap off the weekend series in Kentucky for the Eagles.

Morehead State punctuates three-game series with a 22-run win over UMass. After walking off in each of the first two games of the series, the Eagles concluded the weekend with a dominant 22-0 win over the Minutemen. “Everything we threw up there they hit. They’re a real solid hitting team and have been all year,” UMass coach Mike Stone said. “They have a lot of confidence at the plate and they executed very well.” UMass struggled to execute in all facets of the game. The Minutemen were outhit 28 to five on the afternoon and were hitless for the final four innings while Morehead padded 15 runs to its lead against the UMass bullpen over the last four innings. “Today was no contest unfortunately,” Stone said. “It was a major setback.” Although the team suffered back-to-back deflating losses to start the weekend, Stone doesn’t estimate that it had a

cumulative effect on the team’s readiness to play Sunday afternoon. There aren’t a lot of constructive takeaways from a game like this. While the level of intensity UMass showed in the back-to-back one-run losses are encouraging, the last game wasn’t competitive from the outset, as the Eagles were up 7-0 after four innings. “We just have to bounce back like we have before this season,” Stone said. “We’ve responded from tough losses before and we’re just going to have to do that again.”

UMass relief pitching cannot hold the Eagles once again in walk-off loss

pitching in the first two games but we could not let them continue due to pitch count limits,” Stone said. “We need other people to step forward and do the job, that’s really what it boils down to.”

UMass blows fourrun lead in the ninth inning to fall to Morehead State The initial contest of this three-game series, UMass got on the Eagles pitching early with five runs on four hits in the second inning then plated another runner in the fourth to extend the lead to 6-2 in favor of the Minutemen. Starting Pitcher Justin Lasko contributed eight solid innings with two earned on 117 pitches and left the game with that margin intact. However, in an inning that seemed to ultimately set the tone for the weekend, Lasko surrendered five runs in relief on three hits in the ninth inning and Morehead’s Hunter Fain homered to right field to best the Minutemen. “We should have won this game, it slipped away from us,” Stone said. “I thought we did a good job competing as a team. We just have to execute late in games, they’re a good hitting team and they did a good job coming back, sometimes the hardest out is that 27th out.” The challenge now is to recuperate without any practice time. UMass will not even return to Amherst before it heads to Albany, New York to face Sienna Tuesday afternoon.

For the second time this series, UMass took the field in the bottom half of the ninth inning with the lead and failed to close out the game. After Morehead tied in the ninth, the game moved into the 10th. Eagle sophomore Jake Hammon advanced to third base on a wild pitch where he would be driven in by a single from Reid Leonard to give Morehead state the 6-5 win. “We competed well on Saturday and we should have one,” Stone said. “Just have to close out those games, we need our relief pitchers to step forward and perform.” Starting pitcher Brooks Knapek went seven innings strong, allowing one earned run on 118 pitches. Kevin Hassett entered in the ninth to close and allowed the final two earned runs that ultimately decided the game 6-5 in the Eagles’ favor. Chistopher Marino can be reached “We got good starting at


Monday, April 3, 2017



Fireworks at Garber

Minutewomen win 47th straight in A-10

UM offense ties program record

By Henry Brechter Collegian Staff

Redshirt junior attacker Hannah Burnett scored a Massachusetts single game record eight goals, seven coming in the first half, as the Minutewomen topped Saint Joseph’s 24-14 at Garber Field Sunday afternoon. The 24 goals scored set the all-time single game record for UMass. The Minutewomen (7-3, 1-0 Atlantic 10) have now won six straight after beginning the season 1-3, and Burnett has 14 goals in her last three games. “We stress as a team that we want at least ten goals per game to be assisted, and I think that with the exception of one, every one of my goals was assisted on,” said Burnett. “I think that was the key. My teammates were able to get me the ball and I was able to finish, they did a great job passing the ball today.” In addition to Burnett, Holly Turner (4), Callie Santos (4), Ashley Faulhaber (3), Hannah Murphy (2) and Kiley Anderson (2) all had multiple goals. UMass outshot the Hawks (5-5, 1-1 A10) 50-25. St. Joe’s Penny Green and Ally Beck each scored early goals off uncontested

Burnett sets UMass record in 24-14 win By Ryan Ames Collegian Staff


Hannah Burnett (19) scored a UMass record eight goals along with two assists for 10 points in win over St. Joe’s. sprints in the game’s first five minutes. Goalie Lauren Hiller looked overmatched early, but UMass’ defense was eventually able to slow down the pace of the Hawk’s offense, forcing 14 first-half turnovers. Hannah Burnett scored the Minutewomen’s first goal 2:45 into the game, and went on to tie the UMass record with six more in the first half alone. Turner added four and Santos had two to give UMass a 13-6 advantage after 30 minutes as the Minutewomen offense scored 13 goals on 29 first-

half shots. “I think it’s just trying to be aggressive, trying to move the ball quickly,” said Head Coach Angela McMahon. “I think it’s just trusting each other, working the connections we have, and then trying to build even more connections. The more people we have involved in the offense, the harder we’re going to be to mark, scout, and defend, so that’s ultimately the goal; get as many people involved, having people come off the bench and contribute. I think it created a lot of positive energy

today.” St. Joe’s Nora McCallion scored her 23rd goal of the season 1:18 into the secondhalf to pull the Hawks within six. However, just ten seconds later, Hannah Murphy blew by defenders and beat goalie Amelia Deibler with her first goal of the game to make it 14-7. Hannah Burnett scored her eighth goal of the game and 30th of the season to set UMass’ single-game record five minutes into the second half. Seven minutes later, her second assist of see

BURNETT on page 7

Another game, another broken record. On Sunday afternoon at Garber Field, Massachusetts women’s lacrosse redshirt junior Hannah Burnett set a new single-game school record with eight goals as well as tying the point’s record with 10 in its 24-14 win against Saint Josephs. Seven of the eight total were scored in the first 30 minutes of the contest, which also marked a career high for the Huntington, New York native. “It’ll definitely be a game I remember,” Burnett said. “Obviously the most important thing is we got the win.” “She’s aggressive, she’s timing her cuts well but also her teammates are finding her and she’s putting the ball away,” Minutewomen coach Angela McMahon said. “We want to get her the ball as much as we can because she’s a fantastic finisher. Hopefully that continues for us.” The previous high was held by Katie Ferris who potted seven against Holy Cross Feb. 15, 2012.

UMass (7-3, 2-0 Atlantic 10) picked up right where they left off Thursday against VCU offensively, scoring 13 goals in the first half, one shy of its season high of 14 against the Rams. The Minutewomen were distributing the ball around effortlessly, finding open seams and capitalizing with scores all game long. UMass put 29 shots to the Hawks (5-5, 1-1 A-10) cage in the opening half alone. “I think it’s just trying to be aggressive, trying to move the ball quickly, and trusting each other,” McMahon said. “[We’re] working the connections that we have and then trying to build more connections.” Not to be overshadowed by the masterful game from Burnett, senior Callie Santos, and junior Holly Turner each had solid performances in the offensive zone. Both attackers were second behind Burnett in goals scored with four each, with Turner adding two assists and Santos with a single helper. “I think the more people that we have involved in our offense, the harder we’re going to be to mark, and scout, and defend,” McMahon added. “That’s ultimately the goal is getting many people involved see

OFFENSE on page 7


UMass tops Delaware UM wins first CAA game in two years

Junior wins 15 of 18 faceoffs Saturday

By Thomas Johnston Collegian Staff

The Massachusetts men’s lacrosse team registered its first Colonial Athletic Association conference win in almost two years on Saturday, defeating Delaware 9-6 at Garber Field. Once again for the Minutemen, it was stellar defensive play that was able to lead them to victory. They held a stout Blue Hen attack to just six goals, and kept the ball away from goalie D.J. Smith, who made nine saves on 31 shots. UMass was also able to dominate possession throughout the game. They secured a staggering 39 ground balls compared to the 16 for Delaware while also wining 15 out of 18 faceoffs. Minutemen coach Greg Cannella said that all the games in the conference are going to be close and competitive, and that the smallest details could be the difference between winning and losing. “We haven’t won a league game in over a year,” Cannella said. “It feels good and you just remind the guys that every game you play within the CAA will be similar. It will be a grind-itout kind of game. I felt we ground it out today. That’s how we came out on top. It’s nip and tuck the whole game.” Through three quarters of the game, the score was tied up at five and it looked like the game may have been heading toward a second consecutive overtime. The

Noah Rak dominates in the faceoff circle for Minutemen By Jamie Cushman Collegian Staff


Grant Conlosetti (10) brings the ball up against Blue Hen defenseman. Blue Hens were able to get the first goal in the fourth, but then it was all UMass from there, as it rattled off four straight goals to close out the game. Jake Marino got things rolling for the Minutemen, tying the game up at six with 10:26 remaining. Freshmen Jeff Trainor broke the tie just two minutes later off of a feed from Grant Consoletti. The UMass attack kept their foot on the gas pedal, and Consoletti scored just 58 seconds later to extend its lead to two. Trainor then put it in an empty net goal to seal the Minutemen victory. For Trainor, conference play was new to him, but his teammates gave him a good idea as to what to expect. It paid off, as he finished with two goals as well as tallying a pair of assists. “Going into the game I had no idea what conference play was like, so I asked the guys in the locker room,” Trainor said. “They told me nobody ever really blows anybody out; it’s a lot of defense. Today I think the

better team on defense prevails. We started out a little sloppy on offense but the defense held it down for us and that’s why we got the win.” One area UMass struggled in was extra-man opportunities. In a physical game, the Minutemen were able to draw seven fouls, but were only able to convert on one man-up opportunity. This marks the final regular season game where Cannella and Delaware coach Bob Shillinglaw will square off. Shillinglaw is retiring at the end of this season after 39 seasons at the programs helm. “They’ve been in the conference a lot longer than us. He’s been a force in the conference, he’s won a lot of games. When I got into coaching, you look up to people like that. He’s a true professional.” UMass will look to continue its strong conference play next Saturday as it travels to Maryland to take on Towson. Thomas Johnston can be reached at and followed on twitter @TJ__Johnston.

The Massachusetts men’s lacrosse team controlled possession throughout the game on Saturday on route to a 9-6 win over Delaware at Garber Field, largely due to the play of faceoff specialist Noah Rak. Rak took every faceoff, winning 15 of 18, which provided important extra possessions that helped UMass (4-5, 1-0 Colonial Athletic Association) secure the victory to open conference play. The junior from Norwich, Conn.ecticut used the strength from his 6-foot, 203-pound frame to overpower the smaller Crosby Matthews who took 11 of the 18 faceoffs for the Blue Hens (7-4, 0-1 CAA). “I was just a lot bigger than him,” Rak said. “I was able to box him out, and outtough him. [My strength] definitely helped me out. The kid was like 5’6” or something, so I was able to get him off the ball pretty easily.” Rak credited the 15-3 advantage in the faceoff X to the support from his teammates on either side of him, securing the all-important loose balls that follow a faceoff. “We were winning the clamp but my wings really helped me out I think. We had great wing play today,

attribute a lot to that,” he said. Rak’s teammates stressed the value of the Minutemen’s dominance in the faceoff advantage and the junior’s play. “Noah was great on the faceoff X all day and I think his wings helped him out on a couple,” senior Tyler Weeks said. “He’s been great for us since he’s been back and hopefully he can continue that over CAA play.” “Once again I’ll shout out Noah, he absolutely murdered it on the faceoff X,” freshman Jeff Trainor said. UMass coach Greg Cannella praised not just Rak’s play, but also the work of his teammates and volunteer coach Kurt Hunziker to get Rak prepared for game day. “Noah’s been great for us over the stretch of games, the last five games where we’re 4-1, so proud of his efforts,” Cannella said. “But don’t forget about Charlie Schatz who gets him ready every week and Tommy Meyers who’s waiting to get an opportunity every week, those guys work their butts off every day with Kurt Huntziker.” The Minutemen’s advantage in ground balls provided another source of extra possessions, tallying 39 to Delaware’s 16. Rak explained how that ground ball advantage benefited both the offense and the defense. “Ground balls are huge,”

Rak said. “If you get them like that, especially that advantage, you’re going to win every game, there’s no doubt. Just extra possessions [on] offense, keeps the pressure off the defense.” Rak led UMass with six ground balls. Junior Jake Marino and sophomore Mike McDonough both secured four. “Very important,” Cannella said of the ground ball advantage. “Delaware is a force on offense, scoring 12 plus goals a game, so any time you can get, particularly in our defensive end, get the ball up and out, great, and then on our offensive end, to have an opportunity to whether it was a save or a rebound or a checked ball or even a bad pass, to extend the possession.” Weeks and Trainor both said the importance of winning the ground ball battle has come from the top of the coaching staff on down to the rest of the team. “All four coaches just preach ground balls, ground balls,” Trainor said. “The tough ground balls are what swings the play, swings momentum, gets the bench involved, and I think it was 39-16, it just speaks for itself.” The Minutemen will look to Rak to continue to dominate the faceoff X and to control the ground ball advantage when they travel to Towson on Saturday. Jamie Cushman can be reached at, and followed on Twitter @Jamie__Cushman.


“Bitch I’m bald and shook.” - J.S. J.S.

Monday, April 3, 2017


The Isabella Stewart Gardner heist: solved at last! Trump and Pence know what art is! By Angela Spring Morning Wood Staff

Friday afternoon, it was announced that the thieves responsible for the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum art heist have finally been apprehended. The culprits are the current president and vice president of the United States, Donald Trump and Mike Pence. This development comes just two weeks after the 27th anniversary of the heist. 13 works of art were stolen from the Gardner Museum on March 18, 1990. They were valued at $500 million, and included paintings by Rembrandt, Vermeer and Manet. The paintings were discovered by White House staff when Trump attempted to move them to his new home. According to a staff member who spoke anonymously, he wanted to display them in the Oval Office, except for one, which he planned to send to his close friend Vladimir Putin as a gift thanking him for his help with the election. Staff members reported their concerns about the stolen artwork to police, who quickly seized the paintings and returned them to the Gardner Museum. The

up as police officers to gain entrance to the museum. However, they obviously were not a good fit for this position of authority, as they abused their power to benefit their own interests. This heist may have brought Trump the satisfaction of owning rare, expensive paintings, but it now brings uncertainty about the future of his presidency. While it is unlikely that this theft could lead to his impeachment, it is possible. His supporters have rallied behind him after this revelation, with many reasoning that since Trump’s crime doesn’t affect them personally, there was nothing wrong with it. Supporters have also launched several Twitter hashtags expressing their opinions, includi ng#MakePaintingsStolenA gain. Trump has stated that GRAPHIC BY JOSEPH MANGANO the paintings should be allowed to stay with him, Though President Trump has repeatedly labeled any negative stories about him as ‘fake,’ he admitted to the heist without hesitation. since they have been there paintings are currently When asked why he the paintings, the accused ance in case his businesses for many years and it is now undergoing intensive work stole the valuable works homophobe responded “I ever went bankrupt. If this their home, and should not to restore them to their of art, Donald Trump said, don’t go to art museums, occurred, he would then be forced to return to the original condition after “They’re just like women. because I’m not gay, and sell the paintings on the museum where they came years of mistreatment, When I see something only gay people do that.” black market, giving Pence from; apparently not seeing just as the United States beautiful, I have to grab Further investigation a share of the money. will have to once Donald it.” However, his accom- revealed that the true Careful examination of any irony in this belief. Trump’s presidency ends. plice, Pence, continued motive behind the theft the security footage from They are expected to be on to deny his involvement was Trump’s desire to own the night of the robbery also Angela Spring can be reached by display in the museum as in the crime. When asked expensive pieces of art, confirmed the identities of writing a message in a bottle and soon as August 2017. if he had helped to steal and to have them as insur- the culprits, who dressed recycling the bottle.


‘The Boss Baby’ is the greatest artistic work of all time Art is over. Film is over. Just go home. By Moyshe Crotchedowitz Morning Wood Staff

Sliced bread. A name forever held as a benchmark by which we measure the greatness of all that is created. None can dare imagine a world where bread did not come presliced, such a tremendous breakthrough in brilliance that we commemorate its invention to this day. Can the human organism, in all of its fallibility, ever sculpt a work that surpasses such a level of artistry and ingenuity? As a critic, it is my sworn duty to bring you, dear reader, the honest truth, un-distilled and unbesmirched by commercial compromise and Hollywood poseurdom. Nearly a quarter of a dozen of my doting, fawning fans have inquired one single, unshakeable question: “What is your favorite movie?” It is a question that has filled me with intense anxiety and dread whenever uttered. As a connoisseur of all cinematic-related endeavors, I have traversed this universe in search of an answer to that enduring question. It has been inescapable - burying into my swollen frontal lobe like the world’s most determined leech. And so I embarked on a journey of rumination across this vast planet in a self-reflective quest for pictorial affirmation. It was filled with feebles and torment. I shant describe the abominable visions that latched onto my retinae during my expedition of self-discovery. After

years of soul-searching, it is my extreme pleasure to inform my beloved audience that I have found enlightenment. It came to me, like a flickering, heavenly light hidden amongst shadowy chaos. My white whale has been slain. I have discovered the greatest film ever produced. Nay, I have discovered the pinnacle of western civilization; a work of art that cannot ever be eclipsed. That film’s name? “The Boss Baby.” Many philistines will likely question my intense admiration for “The Boss Baby.” How predictable. The greatest works of art, from James Joyce’s “Ulysses” to Ingmar Bergman’s “Persona,” always go unappreciated in their time. However, I trust that the stirring moral tale of Boss Baby Templeton and his friends will be vindicated by history. One need only gaze at the majesty of this piece (Dare I even call it a film?) and immediately find oneself overtaken by cathartic elevation. Told in an anachronistic order so smooth that it should retroactively renders the entire filmography of Jean-Luc Godard irrelevant, “The Boss Baby” flirts between Kafkaesque absurdism, Frank Capra-inspired melodrama and the exquisite magical realism established by Latin American writers like Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Junot Díaz. The title confirms that power lies in simplicity. The film is called “The Boss Baby,” and indeed, it is about a boss-ass baby. He is a baby and he is the boss. A baby boss. A bossy baby. It’s obvious and direct. He


Honestly, people should just stop making movies. Like, put your cameras down. Now. Get them out of my face. is a boss baby. As someone who likely wears a diaper in real life, Alec Baldwin is perfectly casted for the titular role. Numerous films choose to needlessly encumber their plots with tedious distractions, rejecting simplicity for the sake of hackneyed storytelling with little regard for artistic integrity. However, the masterful direction of Tom McGrath and ingenious script of Michael McCullers avoid the pitfalls of many substandard yarns. The sequence where young Tim (Miles Christopher Bakshi) and the Boss Baby break into a dog factory to prevent a scheme to invent the cutest puppy in the world, thereby rendering babies obsolete (an obvious ethical meditation on the distinctions between man and beast) is of such sublimity that I would be stupefied

were I to learn that the idea did not result from divine premonition. Writing this review, I find myself confronting the Romantic Age dilemma wherein the constraints of human speech inhibit my ability to accurately express the beauty that “The Boss Baby” exudes. In spite of the dazzling animation reminiscent that of a Renoir portrait, this film does not merely settle for perfection, it transcends it. I suspect that if any misfortune befalls the wunderkinds at Dreamworks, the source will doubtlessly come from the jealous grifters over at Walt Disney Studios and Pixar Animation, their capitalist mindsets incompatible with such unbridled joyness and resolute, virtuous purity. Its characters carry overwhelming depth and complexity. The halcyon days of youth reverberate

throughout this masterpiece, as exemplified in the wide eyed naiveté of Tim Templeton. Meanwhile, Janice Templeton’s (Lisa Krudrow) eagerness to spread her affection, no doubt a reaction against War on Terror-era suspicion and distrust, reduced this steely-hearted youth to blissful tears. Embodying the phoenixlike cycle of rejuvenation and rebirth, the movie captures the fleeting mature of human consciousness, poignantly signifying how time is all too brief in the face of an anarchic cosmos. In the most riveting performance of his career, Jimmy Kimmel portrays a man who refuses to lose his faith in the Power of Youth despite the mockery of blasphemers, displaying an intensity of warmness and wisdom rarely seen in most studio drivel. These were characters that I pined to know and

befriend in reality, such was the profundity of their depiction. When I viewed the limitedness of my earthly domain, I wept. Ultimately, “The Boss Baby” bears a cultural significance more resonate now than ever. The piece excellently captures the childlike wonder of exploring one’s imagination. Our youthful experiences command us all. In this age of disconnected technology and asocial behavior, our sense of concern for our fellows has begun to waver. Thus, we are slowly surrendering ourselves to the vice of apathy. This film that rises above film-kind reminds us of the necessity of caring and the bonds of fellowship. Truly exceptional on every level, “The Boss Baby” is poetry in motion. “The G o d f at h e r. ” “Native Son.” “Citizen Kane.” “War and Peace.” “Hamlet.” Dante’s “Inferno.” The Sistine Chapel. “The Odyssey.” The wheel. Fire. Sliced bread. “The Boss Baby” doubtlessly ranks atop these high marvels of human achievement. As a result of this magnificent splendor, I shall slumber peacefully and prideful tonight with my cherished milk bottle in my maw agape, content with the knowledge that I belong to a species - for all of our frailties - possesses the capability of crafting such grandeur.

“Cookies are far for closers” goes Boss Baby’s instantly iconic catchphrase, and by god, this film deserves all the macaroons in the world. Moyshe Crotchedowitz can be spared the hate mail. Please.


Sticks n’ Balls Monday, April 3, 2017



THIRD TIME’S THE CHARM After two newly hired men’s basketball coaches backed out of the position, UMass athletic director Ryan Bamford had no choice but to hire Jackie Moon By Tony Chius Morning Wood Staff The day started off so simple for Jackie Moon. After many failed attempts at trying to steal his washing machine back from Freedom Hall, the former home of the nowdefunct Kentucky Colonels, Moon was finally in position to get back what was rightfully his. Moon was almost to the doors of the Louisville-based arena with a waiting Ed Monix in the getaway car when he got the call. The man on the other side of the line was Massachusetts athletic director Ryan Bamford. It had happened again, and the slick-looking Bamford had to scramble. Just days after his introductory press conference, UMass men’s basketball coach Matt McCallum pulled a Pat Kelsey-esque move and left the Minutemen to head back to coach Chattanooga. “Stop calling me on my personal cell phone. How in the hell did you get this number?” Bamford said after repeated calls Saturday night. According to an anonymous source, whom shall not and will not be named, McCallum sent Bamford a carrier pigeon to break the news. “It was just too damn cold up there,” McCallum said. “I’m not going to lie to you, I totally thought UMass was in Boston. Who knew it was in the boonies. I certainly didn’t.” With the second last-minute departure of the month, Bamford turned to his secret weapon. That weapon was Moon. Moon, who had just come off a failed 40-year musical tour where he would play “Love Me Sexy” on repeat for three hours each night,


Jackie Moon has given up his failed music career and will be a player-coach for the Minutemen after both Pat Kelsey and Matt McCall backed out of the coaching position last minute. Moon’s contract is for 20 years with an average annual value of $20 million. had a tough decision on his hands when Bamford called him. “My music is my life, man. To just leave that behind, it had to be an incredible opportunity and that’s what I found here in Amherst,” Moon told the Morning Wood staff Sunday. Moon had a long list of demands to agree to the deal that Bamford proposed. Some demands included: complete control over all UMass basketball operations, ability to host at least one bear wrestling night every semester at Mullins

Center and last but not least, a new washing machine. Moon has also made it clear that the hoop band will exclusively play “Love Me Sexy” and “Africa” by Toto during games. Moon also plans on suiting up for the Minutemen next season, adding to his coaching duties. The Flint, Michigan native made no qualms about his role on the team. “I’m just going to go out and say it. I am the face of UMass basketball,” Moon said. “The offense will run through me. The defense will


uses techniques that revolutionized the game of basketball. It’s that kind of guy we need to lead us to the promised land.” One of Moon’s favorite moves is the alley-oop, a move he created back in the 1970s against the Spurs. UMass’ resident alleyoopers DeJon Jarreau and Brison Gresham are salivating at the opportunity to utilize the play more. “If I could base my whole game around throwing alley-oops to Brison, I totally would,” Jarreau said. “Coach Moon is exactly what we need. The flashier and riskier play is way better in my eyes.” “Yeah,” Gresham said when asked about if he’s excited for Moon to take over the program and then awkwardly refused to add more when a follow-up question was asked. When the Minutemen suit up next November for the start of the 2017-18 season, they might not be the most talented team on the court, but they’ll certainly be making the most headlines. “We’re going to be big and bold. That’s the only way I know how,” Moon said. “When you think entertainment and college basketball, UMass will be the first thing you think of.” To all of the skeptics thinking UMass made the wrong move hiring Moon, he has one simple message. “Screw all the haters. Don’t make me punch them in the jejunum.”

run through me. Everything will run through me.” “When I’m done at the University, everyone is going to be like ‘Dr. J who?’” Moon added. Bamford was more than willing to give Moon whatever he wanted in the 20-year deal that will pay the coach/player $20 million annually. The deal makes him the highest paid state employee in Massachusetts. “Jackie Moon is going to bring Tony Chius can be reached at this University to heights it’s never and followed been before,” Bamford said. “He on Twitter @fakeachiusano.


McGuirk, Mullins set to start UM forced to cancel Garber serving alcohol in Fall 2017 games after gorilla invasion Swamy names Jane Goodall translator

By The Guy who stole Tom Brady’s jersey Morning Wood Staff

Athletic Director Ryan Bamford has announced that starting in the fall of 2017, both McGuirk Stadium and Mullins Center will be licensed to serve alcohol. This would mean that UMass fans attending football, men’s and women’s basketball and hockey games will be able to purchase beer when supporting the Minutemen and Minutewomen. “This is a great way for our program to get our crowds more engaged,” Bamford said. “Our fans and student body alike I’m sure will welcome this new change with open arms.” UMass athletics has also released a short list of labels that fans can expect to see at each game, including Pabst Blue Ribbon, Busch Light and Key Stone Light. Bamford also added that members of the Commonwealth Club will be served special Rubinoffinfused cocktails prior to the game. “We wanted to show that we are attuned to life here on campus, and we think that these products reflect that,” Bamford said. When asked about the

By The Man with the Yellow Hat Morning Wood Staff


PBR, Busch Light and Key Stone Light will be served at Mullins starting in 2017. concern for underage students having further access to alcohol on campus, Bamford wanted to assure the public that they would be taking all necessary precautions. Bars at both Mullins and McGuirk will be equipped with I.D. scanners, and all students who are of age will be required to bring photo identification other than their UCards. “We’ll be in contact with our campus police department throughout this process,” Bamford said. “We won’t be making any sloppy mistakes.” Bamford also went on to explain that the main reason for this change was to hopefully increase the number of fans at the Minutemen

and Minutewomen home games. “With football especially, it would be nice if the crowd size in the second half was similar to that of the first half,” Bamford said. “We hope the tailgaters actually make it into the stadium.” The new policy will go into action starting Aug. 26, when Minutemen football hosts Hawaii to start the season. UMPD has also announced there will be extra officers on hand to ensure a smooth and orderly transition into this new era of UMass sports. The Guy who stole Tom Brady’s jersey can be found at Roger Goodell’s penthouse.

Anyone who is familiar with the Massachusetts men’s lacrosse team knows it refers to itself as the “Garber Gorillas” for the tough, hardnose, never-give-up attitude and style of play. However, the University of Massachusetts now has a much bigger problem on its hands. The Minutemen and Minutewomen, who just started playing their home games at Garber Field last year, were forced to cancel the rest of their home games in 2017 after actual gorillas took residence at Garber over the weekend. With the upcoming “War for the Planet of the Apes” expected later this summer, a group of gorillas have made Garber Field a local military base, using the lacrosse field smack dab in the center of the UMass campus as its headquarters. “We will stay here until the war is over,” said King George through translator Jane Goodall, who was hired by Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy to communicate with primates. “Garber Field gives us a

strategic military advantage,” George said. “Located in the Pioneer Valley, no one will ever think to look for us here.” Goodall told the Massachusetts Morning Wood that King George, formerly the cute, innocent monkey in the “Curious George” cartoons has emerged as one of the most feared military leaders in the Western Hemisphere after he felt no one took him seriously during his youth. According to Goodall, the gorillas plan to use the towers in the Southwest Residential Area, Lederle and the W.E.B. Du Bois Library to practice scaling large infrastructures in the event of an attack on their primate brethren. Subbaswamy advises students not to interfere with any of the gorilla activity going on throughout campus. “Gorillas are very unpredictable animals,” Subbaswamy said. “All they asked for was Garber Field and the leftover bananas from the dining halls. It was a deal we were forced to make for the safety and well-being of our students.” While most people on campus are terrified of the surprisingly advanced gorillas and their ability to perform human tasks, Minutemen coach Greg Cannella plans on using this as a recruiting opportunity for future sea-

sons. “Here at UMass, we try to preach to our athletes to play fearless, like gorillas are,” Cannella said. “Goodall and I plan to visit King George soon to talk about their lacrosse abilities. I’m hoping to open up recruiting pipelines in the rainforests of Angola, Cameroon and the Democratic Republic of the Congo. There is no NCAA rule that says we can’t dress actual gorillas, so we might as well take advantage of this while we can.” Goodall, who has dedicated her entire life to studying chimpanzees, is skeptical of their lacrosse abilities. “There is no doubt in my mind that gorillas have the physical capabilities to succeed at the sport of lacrosse,” Goodall said. “But in terms of using the sticks to catch, pass and shoot, well, I’m afraid it is going to take years for them to master those skills.” Subbaswamy said Goodall will remain on campus until the gorillas leave Garber. Both the UMass men’s and women’s lacrosse teams will look into playing its home games at McGuirk Stadium until the gorilla problem is resolved. The Man with the Yellow Hat was once King George’s primary caretaker. He has since become a primate beat reporter covering all things chimpanzee.

The Massachusetts Daily Collegian: April, 3rd 2017  
The Massachusetts Daily Collegian: April, 3rd 2017