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THE MASSACHUSETTS
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Tuesday, April 1, 2014
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Chancellor dissolves SGA, replaces gov’t with Spice Girls Fewer scandals, promises pop group By Ron BuRgunDy? Morning Wood Guest Contributor The Student Government Association will be dissolved at the end of the academic year and replaced with the popular British pop girl group Spice Girls, Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy announced at a press conference on Monday. Subbaswamy said that the decision was not very difficult because he has always been “the biggest fangirl” of the Spice Girls and he is “sick and tired of the shenanigans” that have plagued the SGA for the past month. The Spice Girls were first formed in 1994 and consisted of five nicknamed members: Melanie Brown, Scary Spice; Melanie Chisholm, Sporty
Spice; Emma Bunton, Baby Spice; Geri Halliwell, Ginger Spice; and Victoria Beckham, née Adams, Posh Spice. They were active until they went on hiatus in 2000. Since then, they have gone on one reunion tour and are rumored to be preparing for a second. At the press conference on Monday, the Spice Girls said they were happy to become part of the University of Massachusetts. “In the 90s we conquered the world with our music,” Brown said. “Now it’s time to take on the minds of the students that grew up with our music.” Zachary Broughton, the current SGA president, said that he had talked to Subbaswamy about the decision a number of times and did not think it was the right thing to do. “The SGA is meant to be a voice of the students,” he said. “To simply dis-
solve the government and replace it with pop idols is wrong.” In an email sent out to the campus about the decision, Broughton’s name was among the signatures implying that he agreed with the decision, but the president said that implication was untrue. Another SGA member said that a rally would be organized for later in the week because, “they’ve always worked for us in the past. Anytime the administration makes a decision, standing outside of the Student Union yelling helps to make our complaints sound legitimate.” The Spice Girls promised that there would be less controversy and better fashion choices across campus. They also resolved to perform two concerts a month at the Mullins Center, increase friendship across campus and in general spice up the life of the
CHAMPION “CHAMP” KIND/MORNING WOOD
#SpiceGirlsReunion campus community. “In all honesty, I really really really wanna zigazig ha,” said Bunton. When
asked to clarify, Bunton get with her friends. only responded that if the campus wanted to be her Ron Burgundy is a man. He is an lover, they would have to anchorman.
UMass protestors Impromptu elderly birthday protest protesting party leads to 82 arrested
Goal of initial gathering unclear
By BRian Fantana Morning Wood Sex Panther The University of Massachusetts Amherst campus has seen a growing number of protests over previous years, but none as large as the gathering last Friday. Over 4,000 students and community members gathered at the steps of the Student Union in protest of protesting. “I was just glad to get out and have my voice heard on these important issues,” said one protester. “Whether it be police brutality, the arrival of a distinguished and well-spoken orator at the university sent to speak on behalf of differing political viewpoints, or a demand to see the Chancellor’s tail, there’s always a reason to make a sign and scream things into a megaphone in front of these steps to block student’s access to the classes that they pay for.” Put on by the Students for Fascist America, the protest was originally created to protest protesting, but soon protestors protested a protest against protestors. The club’s president spoke briefly at the rally, though he wasn’t understood because of the constant chanting from the crowds. “People need to hear what we have to say,” said one young man holding an unintelligible sign, “even if they don’t want to hear it. Like, if they have headphones in? I’ll rip those out of their ears. And if they disagree? I’ll just keep yelling until they give up. That’s what free speech is all about.” Signs in the protestors’ hands covered a multitude of social causes, ranging from fossil fuel divestment, fossil fuel investment, fos-
sil fuel re-vestment and the necessary introduction of social security for pets, seemingly unaware that the protest was in fact against protesting as a whole. Students from Our Socialist University were there as well, apparently unaware of the group putting on the event. They spoke of a universal economic sharing program, and began enacting their ideas by taking down some large signs and breaking them into pieces small enough that each protestor could hold a 1-by-1 inch square. At the rally, a thin young woman holding a “Fack Fracking” sign was seen in full spirit, and was asked by Morning Wood reporters how she felt about the issues. “Fracking is awful and UMass needs to do something about it. I’m fully confidential [sic] that if we get enough people to make signs and chant here in front of the Student Union, we will make all the difference. Sunshine and rainbows are the fuel of the future, long live the queen.” When asked to explain the implications of fracking, the same protestor responded only with, “It should always been done with protection.” After the interview, a non-protestor asked her what her sign had to do with the protest at hand, a rally against free speech in America hosted by the Students for Fascist America. After a moment of blank stare, she returned to chanting: “What do we want? Free lunch. When do we want it? Lunchtime!” Brian Fantana would like to remind you if you’d like to attend a future protest, please don’t. He can be reached by following the stench of a used diaper filled with Indian food.
‘Lonely’ old people began wild party By Dick Butt Morning Wood Vigilante Early Monday night, nearly 3,000 students gathered in the Southwest concourse for an impromptu birthday party before being forced to disperse by UMPD. The gathering was instigated by local seniors Ethel Abrams, 86, Mortimer Calhoun, 88, Charles Devito, 75, Lucille Hawthorne, 90 and Helen Macdonald, 82. The seniors, driven into depression by their empty nests and lack of family in the area to celebrate their birthdays with, kickstarted the gathering by shouting profanities until a crowd began to gather. Mob mentality took over
#OldPeopleParty
from there. Students surrounded the seniors and chanted “USA! USA!” while waving American flags and starting small fires. Damages include the removal of a tree and toilet paper strewn about the concourse. “That tree was like a big birthday candle,” said Hawthorne. “I haven’t had that much fun since V-Day.” A portion of the crowd seemed to be unaware of the origins of the gathering and could be heard asking each other what to chant and murmuring how excited they were for another riot. “It isn’t a riot, man. We’re just having fun,” said junior kinesiology major Sarah McKee before lighting a large blunt. Police clad in riot gear arrived shortly before 11 p.m. brandishing pepper-
JUSTINE INSURGENT/MORNING WOOD
#BirthdayBash2014 ball guns and batons. Devito could be seen attempting to crowd surf even as the police approached on horseback. “F *** the police!” Calhoun screamed as he was put in handcuffs. “Hitler couldn’t stop me and neither can you!”
BRICK TAMLAND/MORNING WOOD
Eighty-two arrests were made including three of the seniors. Devito was charged with aggravated assault for lashing out at a police officer, while Calhoun was booked for indecent exposure. “I’m just lonely,” said Macdonald. “Can you bring me home?” Even as pepperballs flew into the crowd and batons could be heard slapping flesh, some attendants refused to disperse. A chant of “This is for Blarney!” could be heard intermittently as bottles pelted police officers. “No matter the age of the attendants, these kinds of gatherings are unacceptable,” wrote Chancellor Kumble R. Subbaswamy in an email sent out Tuesday morning. A rally has been organized by students to protest police brutality at the event. “I just wish my grandchildren would call me,” said Abrams when asked what her motives were. “Grandma wants to get a little wild sometimes too.” Dick Butt can be reached when Jupiter aligns with Mars.
Farts Shitting THE MASSACHUSETTS MORNING WOOD
“I can’t believe the news today.” - U2
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
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CONCERT PREVIEW
U2 to put on benefit show for ‘Blarney’ victims Bono somehow still self-righteous By Cornelius William Henry BenediCt iV Morning Wood staff
This weekend, the ethereal, emotional and empowering notes of timeless songs like “Where the Streets Have No Name,” “With Or Without You” and “Beautiful Day” will ring out across UMass Amherst. That’s right, legendary Irish rock band U2 is coming to campus. Still devastated after the unfathomable tragedies of March 8, the socalled “Blarney Blowout,” the University of Massachusetts campus is welcoming with open arms the concert that lead singer Bono promises will “help bring the eyes of the world upon this terrible slight on humanity.” Citing the shared Irish heritage of both the revelers of Blarney Blowout and the band themselves, Bono announced the show at an emotional press conference. “Of course,
every single person at the celebration was Irish, so how could the Edge, Larry, Adam and I ignore this?” Bono asked as he motioned towards his three band mates, who were similarly sober. “These are our brothers and sisters, once I heard about this I knew we had to do something.” Fully aware of student uproar surrounding the tragedy, Chancellor Kumble R. Subbaswamy exhibited a neutral façade towards the concert. “I am honored that U2 chose to hold a concert on our campus to raise awareness of the students who were affected by this terrible tragedy.” Subbaswamy then added “of course as long as the band realizes that most of the arrests took place off campus, and that the events in no way shape or form reflect the University in any way.” UMass students were absolutely thrilled for the upcoming concert. “Oh my god it’s going to be amazing!” said biochemistry major Angie Olson. “I can’t wait to get completely shitfaced and sing along to
CRAFT BEER REVIEW
When in doubt grab a Platinum Since all beers aren’t made equal By PilBo Baggins Morning Wood Staff
The first sip offers a divine sweetness that sends the taste buds through an orgasmic rush of satisfaction. With each sip, it only gets better. The hops were so potent that it had me jumping out of my seat. But at the same time, it had a finish so smooth that it put my own charisma to shame. You might be reading this and wondering: What makes Bud Light Platinum so different from Bud Light? Well, if you think Bud Light is a craft brew, Bud Light Platinum is even craftier. When brewing a Platty, the beer-makers at Anheuser-Busch take a secret craft potion labeled “Platinum” and dump an excessive dose into each batch, giving it an unmatched aroma and texture that is as breathtaking as it is crafty. Coupled with pizza, wings or some other greasy, fatty food, Bud Light Platinum is a perfect way to boost your self-confidence with a reducedcalorie – even if it’s just minimal – option. But if you’re looking for a good time, a Platty can suffice on its own. The explosion of flavor that comes with each sip will satisfy every beer-drinker’s need and also make you the most popular person at the party. Whenever I have a Platty in hand, all the ladies come to me, and I doubt it’s for my rockin’ body and boyish charm, either. Men, I promise it can work for you too. So if you really are up for whatever, make it a Platinum.
I know a good craft beer when I see one. In all my years of drinking, I’ve settled for nothing but the best: Coors, Miller, PBR, you name it. If it’s craft, chances are I’ve consumed it. But on Saturday night, my friends introduced me to a different kind of brew that turned my drinking life upside down: Bud Light Platinum. Brewed at AnheuserBusch Companies in St. Louis, Mo., Bud Light Platinum – also known as a “Platty” – is not your typical Bud product. This brew not only has fewer calories than a Budweiser (137 per bottle as opposed Bud’s 145) but also has a higher alcohol by volume (6 percent to Bud’s 5), making it the perfect combination of healthy and classy. I’m the type of guy who believes that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. So the idea of Anheuser-Busch trying to alter the immortal Bud Light initially seemed blasphemous to me, making me hesitant to try it at first. But when I was handed the clear blue bottle with the word “Platinum” prominently emblazoned down the front of the bottle just below the signature Bud Light label, that’s when I knew that this triple-filtered premium light beer was one of a kind. Bud Light Platinum pours out a dark yellowish tone which resembles that of a dehydrated person’s urine, so I would suggest drinking straight out of the bottle rather than using a glass. But, as many of you may know, looks can be deceiving, and Bud Light Platinum Pilbo Baggins can be reached at is a master in the art of craftbeerconnoisseur@beeradvodeception. cate.com
‘Beautiful Day’! It’s my favorite song!” Sports management major Omar Rodriguez-Lopez said “oh my god I’m gonna pregame so hard…” before he turned to his friend and said “dude we should totally f *cking riot during ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’. It’ll be f*cking wicked.” Soon after Mr. RodriguezLopez was heard assuring his friends that he is “tight with this guy on the 22nd floor of Kennedy,” and that he could secure sufficient libations for the concert. U2’s most recent release was the Golden Globe winning single “Ordinary Love,” written as a tribute to the recently deceased Nelson Mandela. Although the song was originally written for one of the most iconic freedom fighters history has ever seen, Bono said that the song “applies just as much to those who fell at Blarney.” “Mandela bravely fought against an oppressive regime and brutal police. These students also had to face the uncompromising brutality of a regime that wished
ANITA VAJINA/THE KLIT
Surprisingly, U2 still has the nerve to do this kind of crap and just write it off on their taxes. to suppress their spirit at all cost. So ‘Ordinary Love’ will perfectly fit the atmosphere.” In a precautionary e-mail sent to the entire student body, Chancellor Subbaswamy warned students of the conse-
quences of alcohol consumption at the event. He also mentioned exactly which fraternity houses and other residential areas would be pre-gaming and serving alcohol, before adding
finally “whatever you do. Do not go to these areas. Just don’t do it.” Cornelius William Henry Benedict IV can only be reached at his off-the-grid log cabin in a nondescript location.
A C T UA L L Y P O O P
Best places to poop on campus Make your huge dump a good one
were the same. By then it was too late.” Fortunately there are many pools in which any student with a high-fiber diet can By turd BroWning drop the kids off, and a select Morning Wood Staff few that are well-worth going Pooping: Anyone who is out of the way for. Below is a anyone does it. Literally. But list which is by no means allon a campus with 20,000-30,000 inclusive, but a mere starting sphincters and not nearly as off point for those who wish to many bathrooms, deciding defecate in comfort: where to drop a deuce can be Fine Arts Center a tough decision to make for During the day the FAC any student on the run. This lobby is a relatively lowissue tends to be made even traffic area, which makes it more-so critical to students a prime place to pinch one using the women’s rooms off. Furthermore, the bathon campus, as 35 percent of rooms are enclosed rooms, women’s bathroom stalls con- ensuring privacy and comfort tain female urinals rather even when one has to make than toilets. A University of subhuman noises while tryMassachusetts senior, Wande ing to coax out a shy turd. Fecate, complained “One day The FAC has also played host during my freshman year I to many intellectual and was prairie-dogging it after cultural superstars, such as my English 200 class, and I Noam Chomsky and the cast ran into a bathroom stall but of “American Idiot,” which instead of a toilet there was makes pooping in it all the this thing that looked like the more exciting. lovechild of a urinal and bidet The Recreation Center that just ate a toilet. I checked Most people who come the next two stalls and they
here do so with the intent to exercise using state of the art equipment located throughout the Rec Center, but what many don’t realize is that they can get a fabulous core workout right outside the turnstiles in the lower lobby, in the bathrooms tucked away and almost out of sight. The Rec Center is very well-maintained so there is no need to fear an empty toilet-paper container hidden in the conspiratorially opaque TP-containers, and it is not at all uncommon to come into these bathrooms and find that they’ve just been cleaned. Another minor luxury of pooping in these bathrooms is that everything is hands-free, so you can poop, wash your hands, and feel a little less gross for touching the doorhandle.
enjoy.” While many might think of artisanal pizzas and sandwiches as that special something, the bathrooms here are also fairly exceptional. As already stated, these bathrooms are located in the only building on campus that is open to all 24/7, yet despite this they manage to stay in an orderly state more often than not, and with new facilities it’s impossible to ignore the comfort afforded by these bathrooms. So while the majority of students attending UMass do not get to enjoy the benefits of Commonwealth College, they can enjoy the shit out of the bathrooms in their café.
If none of these locales are conducive to your lifestyle, just remember, tossing a “landingstrip” of toilet paper down Roots Café pre-poo will eliminate splashOne hallmark of the new back, a true game-changer in Commonwealth Honors the deuce-dropping world, and College Residential Complex no matter what you do, don’t is Roots Café, the only on-cam- forget to flush. pus eatery open 24/7 with the promise, “Roots Café offers Turd Browning can be reached at something for everyone to tbrowning@morningwood.com
EXPERIENTIAL
Moms excited for The Goo Goo Dolls Suburban mothers line up for tickets By Helga Pataki Morning Wood Staff
Last Sunday, hundreds of suburban moms from across the Northeast queued into a line that stretched across campus for a chance to see The Goo Goo Dolls at this year’s Spring Concert. The line of moms stretched from the Mullins Center Box Office, down the entire length of Commonwealth Avenue, across the Massachusetts Avenue intersection and through the Southwest concourse, ending near Lot 22, where hundreds of minivans with UMass Amherst bumper stickers were parked. This year’s high moms turnout was expected, though “the sheer num-
ber of moms who came to buy tickets in person was unprecedented,” according to a UPC spokesperson. The influx of moms purchasing buying tickets from the Box Office is speculated to be the result of a mobile formatting error on the UPC website that made the mothers unable to order tickets for the event via iPad. Though many of the moms said they never met before, groups of chatting mothers dotted the line, where they discussed sending emails to professors who didn’t recognize their childrens’ potential, how quaint the Pioneer Valley is and, of course, the upcoming Spring Concert. “That John Rzeznik is so dreamy,” said Rita Henrick, a 45-year-old PTA member from Newton, Massachusetts. “I’ve been looking forward to this concert since my daughter
told me about it.” Henrick’s daughter Julia, a sophomore communications major, said she will not be attending, opting to do homework instead and save her money for the next time Dayglow comes around. Henrick said she wrote “The Goo Goo Dolls” off as just another rock band until the group’s hit single “Iris” hit supermarket radio stations across the country in 1998. Though the mothers expressed a great deal of excitement for the upcoming concert, the lineup was not without complaints. “‘Goo Goo Dolls’ is great and all,” said Cathy Stein, a 50-year-old mom from Longmeadow, “‘but I wish Dave Matthews would play in the area. Boy, what I’d pay to see him some day.” Janet Green, a 52-year-old mom from South Windsor, Connecticut, said she first
embraced the Goo Goo Dolls in 1998 as an opportunity to bond with her high schoolaged daughter Carla. Green said she could not be more thrilled that her first daughter’s favorite band is playing at her fourth daughter’s Spring Concert. “Now if they could only replace that ‘Whale’ guy with American Idol’s Phillip Phillips, I’d be set,” said Green. At time of publication, the line has dwindled to sixty or seventy moms waiting outside the Box Office, most clutching thermoses filled with Dunkin Donuts coffee. Spring Concert tickets can be purchased online or at the Mullins Center Box Office. Students are advised to buy quickly as tickets are sparse. Helga Pataki can be reached in a back alley.
THE MASSACHUSETTS MORNING WOOD
THE BARTLETT STALL LOVE
day a was orrible h
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
n very opinioch writers mu
Facebook to buy the known universe
In a stunning move, the Morning Wood received an exclusive tip from an anonymous insider at Facebook Nat A. Shillman that the company would announce its intention to purchase all of the known universe. This purchase will purportedly expand Facebook’s holdings outside of this galaxy and bring the popular social networking service to the rest of this dimension, although the insider was hesitant to make any promises about connectivity in neighboring realities. The biggest changes will go into effect next week, as Facebook unveils its long-rumored Faster-Than-Like technology, allowing likes, comments and shares to travel faster than the natural limitations of this plane. However, the universe is a big place and it will take a couple of weeks before the newest craze in social media catches up to and exceeds the expanding boundaries of reality. Supreme Eternal Emperor of Mankind Mark Zuckerberg was of course unsurprised about the leak and as such was excited to share the direct details with me when I enquired directly with Facebook for further comments. “Its a really exciting time for us and for the entire universe as well,” Emperor Zuckerberg said via a direct stream-of-consciousness transmission into my mind. “At Facebook, we’ve always been about pushing the envelope, right since our humble startup beginnings. We ask, what can we do for the user? Once Facebook achieves enough momentum through this newest update, it will literally surpass the edges of the known universe. Of course, we’re work-shopping new product trajectories and design strategies that we can’t quite talk about yet, but we can cross that bridge when we come to it.” When asked about the unexpected and altogether surprising purchase, Emperor Zuckerberg chuckled. “When you really think about it,” he said, “it’s not really as complex as it seems. If we’re buying the entire universe, we’re going to own the money anyway, barring the extra-dimensional holdings of some of our competitors. And we acquired the rights to a bunch of the fundamental forces and laws of nature awhile ago, so we were able to throw them to our engineers and allow them to expand on that existing technology, incorporating it with our own design language and company philosophy to create something uniquely Facebook. So in a certain sense, it all kind of just works itself out.” What Emperor Zuckerberg seemed most excited about, however, was not the reality altering reach of his pan-galactic media empire; rather, it was the prospect of bringing the unique and unavoidable connectivity of Facebook to an even larger audience. “We humans have long enjoyed the unique social offerings of Facebook and I firmly believe that the ability to connect and share in such an intimate way has had a meaningful impact on human civilization,” Emperor Zuckerberg said. “But what about the Reptilians? The rock people of Glomulus IV? The sentient fungus clouds of Ajax Prime? We believe that every sentient being, carbonbased or not, has the right to share the details of their day-to-day existence through pictures and status updates. After all, we at Facebook make money when people use our service. It’s only natural that we want everybody in existence to use it.” He continued, “We started with Facebook Home, then followed up with Facebook Town, Facebook Country and Facebook Planet. The expansion from one to the next was logical and tremendously successful. Facebook Universe is merely our attempt to get ahead of the curve, to take that innovation we are known for and push it forward into ‘the next big thing.’ Following that philosophy, we want Facebook to be the future. Not just the future of computing, the future of social networking, the future of advertising, the future of everything.” Nat A. Shillman can be reached at spooky@conspiracy. com.
lol
writing op/ed for
what is your dream?
Chancellor@UMass.edu
Obama considers restraining order against progressives
In a rare glimpse into his Benny Debs that I really loved them, deep private life, President Obama down, even though it was a revealed on Tuesday that he birthday present for the insuris considering legal action to request a ance companies I was dating at the restraining order against the progres- time,” said the President. sive community. Later, the man who did nothing to “They think we’re still together,” reform the financial system after the said a visibly exasperated Obama, greatest economic crisis of our genera“in spite of all that’s happened.” The tion had to resort to even more blatant President stated that, from his per- signals that he wasn’t interested in the spective, there was no serious commit- progressives’ advances. ted relationship in the first place and “I’ve tried everything. Drone strikes, described the extent of his relationship reading their emails, making deals with progressives as “just a fling.” with Republicans to continue the Bush “Look, I know I’m guilty of leading tax cuts one year and cut food stamps them on back in ’08,” he confessed. another year. Nothing worked.” “I was younger then and they were In spite of the President’s best efforts frankly pretty desperate – you know, at pushing them away, progressives they had been looking for someone spe- continued to cling to their imaginary cial for years at that point. So we went relationship, even posting sappy videos out and I got a little flirtatious, talking and love songs online for the 2012 elecabout hope and change and all that tion season. romantic stuff they love.” “God, that was so embarrassing,” But the commander-in-chief of the said the President. “Just about the only world’s largest military explained that good thing that came out of it was that I he never thought of the affair continu- beat Romney on that reality show – you ing beyond November of that year. know, America’s Next Top Executive. “It was supposed to be a one-night He and I still laugh about it something. We went to the ballot box togeth- times.” er, we had a wonderful time – I’ll never Most recently, President Obama tried forget that magical night, November 4, to make his feelings clear by openly 2008 – but in the morning, I expected us embracing the war record of the former to go our separate ways.” popular power couple who bullied proThat was not how progressives saw gressives back in high school, George it, however. According to President Bush and Dick Cheney. But most proObama, they began to act as if he was gressives didn’t even pay attention. part of their family and kept sending “At this point, I think they already him gifts with astronomical approval realize on some level that I’m just not ratings for the better part of a year. into them,” concluded the man who “At first, I tried dropping hints, to continues to preside over historically let them down gently,” he recalled. low tax rates for the wealthy. “But “Appointing Larry Summers as my I think they just cry themselves to economic advisor, bailing out the sleep and tell themselves they’ve got to banks, letting foreclosures go unchal- stick with this fantasy they’ve built up, lenged, taking the public option off because there’s no one else for them the table before the health care debate out there. I guess they think they’re even began – I thought that last one was stuck with me and the Democrats, forpretty obvious, actually.” ever.” But progressives would not give up “It’s pathetic,” he sighed. their obsessive fantasies. “This health care thing, they latched onto it as proof Benny Debs can be reached at bdebz@blackhole.net.
Declaring a war on words
Chief Operating Officer of Ren Marx beginning. We cannot stop there. Facebook Sheryl Sandberg’s camThere are countless words that paign to ban the word bossy has ought to be targeted in this war. got me thinking a lot about war. With the For example, referring to our male “War On Terror,” “War on Drugs” and athletes as “jocks” places limitations “War On Poverty” in full force, I propose on their overall abilities. The word jock we take this campaign one step further invokes an image of an athlete, usually and launch another metaphorical war: a very capable in his physical abilities, but War on Words. lacking academic intelligence – hence the Sandberg argues, “We know that by stereotypical “dumb jock.” middle school, more boys than girls want A University of North Carolina-Chapel to lead. And if you ask girls why they Hill athlete who received an A-minus on don’t want to lead … they don’t want to a terrible 146-word essay on Rosa Parks is be called bossy, and they don’t want to be just one example of a victim of this word. disliked.” See, world? Even “jocks” can get As. I am in full agreement with Sandberg, Another word that belongs on the War but I think ban is too light of a word. We on Words “Most Wanted” list is “loser.” need to eradicate – to exterminate – the Labeling those involved in any sort of word bossy and others like it from human competition in two very distinct groups consciousness. One step we can take to of “winners” and “losers” severely hurts ensure the complete elimination of the the psyche of those who fall into the word is by banning children’s books that “loser” category. The derogatory term use the word bossy. discourages rather than motivates. We can start with Barbara Park’s Instead, we should replace that word “Junie B. Jones” series. When Junie B., with “possibilities.” That way, at the conthe protagonist of the series, hits first clusion of any competition, we have our grade, she meets the character May, “winners” and our “possibilities,” where whom Junie B. calls “bossy May.” those who didn’t fare so well still have How can we allow the children of our countless chances to become a winner. society to read books where young charThese are just three words in the myracters antagonize other characters just iad of negative words in the English lanfor being overly assertive, especially guage that we need to ban. Once we have when the character is a girl antagonizing this issue under control, maybe next we another girl? After all, we need our girls can move on to banning the game “tag” to stand up for each other. Not to men- because it encourages kids to ostracize tion, readers have characterized Junie B. each other. herself as bossy. This book simply cannot exist in Ren Marx can be reached at bossylady@politicalour libraries. However, bossy is just the lycorrect.org
SGA elections need reform!
This year’s SGA election results were controversial: To the confusion and surprise of many, the ticket that won by a clear majority was invalidated by the Elections Commission due to several alleged violations of the SGA bylaws. Although Minerva Sneezeman these violations were as trivial as the use of a 10 percent discount coupon, victory was granted to the second-place ticket. Many students questioned the soundness of the Elections Commission’s decision. Others criticized the SGA bylaws that enabled this undemocratic decision to even occur. Not only do these regulations grant the Elections Commission an inordinate amount of power, but they also fail to address other factors that continue to influence election results year after year. To avoid similar mishaps in the future, it’s about time the outdated bylaws are replaced with relevant, pragmatic guidelines that address the core issues preventing a fair and equitable election process for UMass students. 1. A candidate’s photogenic ability. Candidate photographs play a central role in the campaign advertising process and so their quality should be monitored. The bylaws should explicitly state that pictures may only be taken using iPhones and must be taken strictly selfie-style. In respect for the selfie tradition, unflattering, silly facial expressions are imperative. Snapchats of these photos, while generally discouraged, shall be allowed but limited to a onesecond viewing time. These photos shall hence be known as Campaign Snapchats, or “CampSnaps.” Any student who manages to take a screenshot of a CampSnap will be rewarded for their extraordinary reaction time with a $5 gift from the Student Activities Trust Fund. 2. A candidate’s social media reach. Current bylaws regulating advertising practices come from a time before “like” was a noun and “friend” was a verb. To acknowledge the growing role of social media in the campaigning process, I propose a clause establishing a maximum number of Facebook friends a candidate can have so that no one holds an unfair advantage in their outreach. Any so-called “friending” beyond the permissible number of 56 will lead to a candidate’s immediate suspension. 3. A candidate’s popularity. Real friends are arguably just as important as Facebook friends and should therefore be regulated with rigor. Recent sociological studies suggest that one’s number of real friends is inversely related to the length of one’s fingernails. Since correlation implies causation, candidates shall be prohibited from clipping their fingernails throughout their campaign to ensure no inequitable advantage in popularity. Toenails, however, are fair game. 4. A candidate’s access to basic needs such as food and sleep. Campaigns are characteristically grueling events, and to be successful, it is critical that a candidate maintain a healthy diet and sleep routine. Not all candidates are necessarily on a campus meal plan, so some may have access to extensive food options to which others do not, which is obviously unjust. Therefore, all candidates shall be banned from eating in the Dining Commons for the duration of the campaign. Their diet for breakfast, lunch and dinner shall be restricted to celery, bananas and frozen yogurt. No exceptions. And no snacks. In addition, candidates shall have a strict bedtime of 3 a.m. and wake-up time of 6 a.m. to ensure that their sleep schedules are all equally deficient throughout the campaign. 5. A candidate’s general awesomeness. The bylaws shall define “general awesomeness” to encompass any of the following qualities: determination, creativity, intelligence, resourcefulness, reliability, integrity and positive energy. Any perceived advantage held by a candidate in regard to one or more of these qualities will invalidate their ticket immediately. Assuming the Senate approves these changes to the bylaws (which I trust will happen with no trouble), from this day forward, the Elections Commission will no longer have the power to invalidate a ticket due to such trivial matters as a 10 percent discount coupon. Instead, candidates will face the risk of being invalidated due to matters of actual substance, such as clipping their fingernails or having 57 Facebook friends. These, and the other proposed violations, are all actions that are likely to falsely sway the election results and it is only fair that they be regulated and strictly enforced. Minerva Sneezeman can be reached at sneezingpony200@aol.com.
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THE MASSACHUSETTS MORNING WOOD
Sticks n’ Balls Tuesday, April 1, 2014
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MEN’S BASKETBALL
BLEED BLUE
UMass fans at Rafters mourn UConn triumph
Viewers to return for Final Four, resume hate-watching festivities By Gas Masterson Morning Wood Staff
MCT
Shabazz Napier is the best point guard in New England with the letter “Z” in his first name.
Why I’m the best point guard in NE
S
ure my back hurts. But that’s what I get for putting Connecticut on my back and carrying the team – and the entire school – to another Final Four. But let’s not act like this Shabazz is someNapier thing new. After all, I already have a National Championship ring from back in 2010-11 when we went all the way, knocking off Butler in the championship game. And as you might remember, there was a pretty good player on that team named Kemba Walker, who did very similar things that I’m currently doing now. Let’s just say that I had some
good teaching after seeing his performance that year, not only in the NCAA Tournament, but also in the Big East Tournament. But what Walker did, I’m out to obliterate it. When crunch time hits, I step up for my team, as was the case when I dropped 25 points against Michigan State in the Elite Eight. “He’s a special player,” Walker said via text message. “Sure, I had my moment in the spotlight, but, man, I can only wish my performance was half as good as what Shabazz is doing right now. Dude is straight ballin’!” Of course, with this type of performance comes a lot of expectations. We entered as a disrespected No. 7 seed in the Tournament and weren’t even expected to win a game. But because of my heroics, now people are
thinking we can go all the way. Not to mention, we’re once again carrying the torch for New England basketball. I mean, look at it. Boston College was HORRIBLE, Massachusetts was a nice story, but was it really a six-seed? And Harvard, well that was cute while it lasted, everyone thinking that it was going to go on another little run. But here we are, two games away from another title and the only school from New England not having to deal with the miserable weather because we’re in Texas. Obviously, Florida isn’t going to be some pushover game like the Spartans were. The Gators earned the No. 1 seed for a reason. Scottie Wilbekin, Patric Young and Michael Frazier II can play some ball, but
can they play as well as me? I’ll let Saturday’s game answer that for you. I think a lot of my drive and motivation to carry us this year came from our coach Kevin Ollie. He’s a scary man and when you don’t play well, he lets you know it. “I told Shabazz that if he doesn’t lead us to the national title, then he’s getting a five-finger slap across the face,” Ollie said. “Just ask Terrance Samuel how my palm tastes. Shabazz doesn’t want to feel that pain.” No I don’t and I won’t let it happen because in one week, when I’m the biggest name in Stoors, Conn., it’s going to be because I led this program to its fourth National Championship. #StayHungryStayHumble. Shabazz Napier can’t be reached because he’s in Texas getting ready to win the National Championship.
Citing a deep hatred which has spanned generations, local fans of Massachusetts athletics gathered on Sunday at Rafters in Amherst to watch Connecticut face Michigan State in the NCAA Tournament Regional Finals. Locals have unofficially staged UConn hate-watching parties for decades, meeting at Rafters each March to angrily watch the Huskies take part in the NCAA Tournament. This year was especially intriguing for fans, as UMass also appeared in the tournament for the first time in 16 years. Previously, the locals at Rafters had limited rooting interest. “I hate those guys,” Minutemen fan Jim Armstrong said of UConn before angrily hissing at Huskies guard Shabazz Napier, who was shown on one of the Rafters televisions. Over 75 fans showed up at the Amherst based sports bar for the second round of the NCAA Tournament, bypassing a chance to travel to Raleigh, N.C. and watch the Minutemen in person. The opportunity to cheer against a regional opponent was too rich for David Smith of Sunderland. “Yeah, sure I could’ve probably made the trek to North Carolina,” Smith said. “But if I’m not here to cuss CBS out every time the camera cuts to Jim Calhoun, who else is going to do it?” Hate-watching UConn has become a rite of passage for Smith, who learned it from his father. Both UMass and the Huskies are considered rivals, despite neither school facing each other recently. “My father banned us from wearing navy blue and gray clothing,” Smith said. “Now, I have two sons and it’s only fair I pass along the tradition.” Smith was later seen lecturing his 11-year old son about why the name Chaz is allegedly vastly superior to Shabazz. This year’s version of hate-watching has been especially difficult for UMass fans, as the Huskies recently defeated Michigan State to
reach the Final Four. The fans have loyally returned to their respective posts at Rafters as UConn advanced through every round. What was initially a sense of optimism has turned to bitterness and confusion. “It’s ruined my month of March,” Armstrong said. “Every weekend we come back hoping to see an epic Huskies collapse and we’ve been disappointed every week. It’s not even like they deserve to go to the Final Four, they barely graduate any players. ” Armstrong, who pointed out that UConn’s success affects his well-being on a daily basis, was recently asked to sleep on the couch by his wife. UMass’ performance in the NCAA Tournament did little to aid the spirits of the hate-watchers. The Minutemen lost 86-67 to Tennessee in a relatively unexciting affair, ending a promising season on a disappointing note. “We showed up,” Armstrong said. With the early exit, all sights were set on a Huskies team which entered the tournament without much publicity as a seven seed. It didn’t stop fans from watching intently from within Rafters. “That Napier guy, he gets all the calls,” Smith said. “If Chaz (Williams) got as many whistles as he did, he’d be the best point guard in the league. And that Kevin Ollie guy, is he actually the coach? He looks like he just graduated last year.” Neither Smith nor Armstrong have any intentions of stopping the hatewatching despite UConn’s success. Both will be among what’s expected to be at least 100 fans who will gather on Saturday to watch the Huskies face Florida in the Final Four. “There’s no way they’ll win the National Championship,” Armstrong said. Smith said: “If they do, I’ll eat my fist.” Gas Masterson can’t be reached conventionally, but you may find him at the closest Bruce Springsteen concert. He’s rarely late and enjoys a nice pair of slacks.
FOOTBALL
Minutemen find unexpected new home north of the border AAC only wants one NE team
After the American Athletic Conference, Conference USA, Sun Belt and Mountain West were found to be “not the right match” for UMass, it is By Charles Molinari Vi Morning Wood Staff taking its talents north … of There is some great news the border to the Canadian coming out of Amherst for Interuniversity Sport football Massachusetts football fans. conference. “We are very excited about Your Minutemen will no longer be in football limbo as they the move up north so we can give our alumni in Canada have found a new home. But it might not be the a chance to see the team home that you were expecting. more often,” UMass Athletic
Director John McCutcheon said. Another positive about the move for the Minutemen is that in Canada, the field goal posts are on the goal line, meaning that there are 10 less yards to worry about in the kicking game. “We feel like this will allow us to attract more American born kickers to the program,” McCutcheon said. “It’s not like any coach would ever say
that their kicker ‘should’ve made it the second time like he made it the first time’ if the coach were to call a timeout and ice his own kicker, but there would be no excuse with 10 less yards if that did happen.” And while the Minutemen see this move as a good thing, it begs the question why didn’t the AAC want UMass? Well that question was answered by an anonymous
source via direct message on Twitter. “In the end, the AAC only wanted one New England team in its conference and it already felt like it had the premier team in New England in The University of Connecticut,” the source said. “UMass was never seen as an option since UConn is the most elite New England program available to the conference.” The AAC has said that the
Minutemen are welcome to schedule UConn in football whenever they like, though. But the snub from the AAC didn’t bother McCutcheon or coach Mark Whipple. Instead, Whipple appeared ecstatic and said in a loud voice, “Fire the muskets!” It appears that UMass is now all in up north. Charles Molinari VI can be reached via snail mail at The University of Connecticut.