Satire April Issue 2023

STAFF

“Editors-in-Chief”: Chicken

Zehnders, Karseat Headrest

Janitor: Chicken Zehnders again, Avacado

Copy Machine: KayleeBailey

Cityplanner.io: Ice Spice, Reese’s Pu s (eat ‘em up x3)

NFT: Kangroo Karol, David Bryskham

Future History Department: Cornea

Necklace (Editor), Mr. Bleach, Lil

Tapioca, Jules

Thought Police: Abby Cadabby (Editor), Demanda Rose

Harry Styles Department: The other Sarah (Editor), Kaylee Ortegami, Oh Oh Oh Oh Riley, Ice Spice

Music and Arts Department: Joe (Editor), Mama, Swoldier Kim

Post Cast Department: (Editor)

Precious Prakash, Moe Money Moe Problems, Shrinky Dinks

Graphics Department: Ice Spice (Editor), Oh Crackers, Elmo, Edward Camerahands

Catfish Department: Photo editor #1 (Editor), Photo editor #2 (Editor), Anna Mili-rock-on-deez-toes, Edward Camerahands, Olive Garden

Cap Detector: Jules

THE Entrepeneur: The other Sarah

Grand Warden: EIC 1999-2OOO

Hey Winter Parkers, TPS gossip girl here, I’ve been getting tired from dishing out all the juicy secrets of the quad all on my own. So after a little engineering, I’ve created a robot to do it for me. Introducing GossipGPT!

Read all the incredible issues in TPS gossip girl’s first ever in-print issue!

Karseat Headrest, Jules, and GossipGPT Graphic by Edward Camerahands

This Month’s Gossip: By the

4

Kanye West claims now for the 4th time that he is running for president, but has never actually ran.

11O°F

Weather in Central Florida reaches an unsurprisingly cool temperature in the middle of March.

The Headlines

House from the movie “UP” mistakenly shot down as a Chinese spy balloon.

After decades of confusion, Leonarado da Vinci comes back to life to reveal the Mona Lisa is actually staring at you at all times.

Numbers 1OO,OOO

Both the amount of sparkles and the cost of Taylor Swift’s hooded jumpsuit at the iHeartRadio Music Awards.

Cows begin to lose their jobs after milk prices continue to drop in grocery stores

Quote of the Month

I really wish I was good at something cool

Albert Einstein reveals dark secret decades after his death

Lebron James spoke to Paul Revere on that night, claims he was the one who told him the British were coming

PGA

mistaken for Zac Efron at fan event, thought to be character from High School Musical

Golfer Rickie Fowler

GARNETT ROCKS ON

Article by Amanda Rose DeStefano Photo by Livlaughlove

Students sitting in Honors 9 English crowded around the desk, trying to catch a glimpse at the phone. With the volume at its max, the room filled with beautiful music that couldn’t be ignored by passers listening through the open door.

“ is song is incredible. Who’s it by?” questioned ninth grader Nikhil Daniel.

“He’s super popular right now,” answered Sophia Scheinberg. “His name is Stevie Writes.”

Little did the students know that the music they were obsessing over has been written, recorded, and produced by Trinity Prep’s beloved English teacher, Steven Garnett. Between teaching English and touring the country, he lives a busy double life.

“It definitely gets stressful, but this life is worth it. I’m filling up venues, playing the songs I love… What more could a guy ask for?” said Garnett.

Students were shocked to find out that the man who used to dresscode them in 3rd period was topping charts on the side. Just last week, his new hit “Beowulf on my Mind” hit Number 1 on Billboard’s Hot 100. He entered class on Monday in a haze.

“I was doing my geometry homework in his class, but he didn’t even notice. He just kept humming this song and drumming on his desk,” reported ninth grader Jillian Hennebery.

While concerns about his focus have risen, Garnett has been clear where his focus lies, putting rest to worries from administration.

“Teaching will always come second to my fame. It’s just a fact of life. e students are great; it’s nothing personal,” Garnett said. is newfound “celebrity” attitude has

is rock star hasn’t avoided the archetype so far.

Just last week, students gaped at the sight of their favorite English teacher cutting the fry line in the grille while humming another one of his top charting songs, “You’re My Midsummer Night’s Dream.” After he was met with controversy from the other fry-lovers, he just muttered how famous people should always get priority.

“He’s becoming a guitar-loving monster,” said fellow English teacher Steve Krueger.

Even with swaths of the Trinity family noticing his attitude change, Garnett hasn’t abandoned his new persona. He has only taken it steps further.

“Mr. Garnett is making us attend his concert to get credit for an assignment. e tickets are outrageous. is is worse than the great Taylor Swift-Ticketmaster Scandal of 2022,” Daniel said.

Ninth graders are coughing up any lunch money they can find just to afford an A in the class. It’s causing chaos, with parents disappointed in the extra expense.

“I just gotta sell this one out,” Garnett said. “I have to spend every night grading. e least they could do is spend one night having the time of their lives.”

Trinity students and faculty have given up all hope for Garnett to turn back to normalcy.

become a stereotype echoed by the press for numerous celebrities who can’t handle the switch from normal guy to superstar.

“I think we finally lost him to the fans,” Scheinberg said. “It’s a shame, but at least the course load has gotten better with every TMZ article about him.”

Garnett playing lead vocals and guitar at Rockefeller Stadium.

CABAL ISN’T CABALD - SHOCKING TRUTH REVEALED!

Article by Kangaroo Karol Graphic by Anna Mili-rock-on-deez-toes

Last ursday, renowned AP World teacher Isiah Cabal’s secret was revealed to the public. Sophomore Daniel Chacko was walking by Cabal’s classroom after practice when he turned to see what he was doing through the windows. Cabal’s back was facing him when he saw a peak of golden, stunning locks coming out of Cabal’s head. Chacko screamed and ran away when Cabal realized his secret had been discovered. He is not bald.

Chacko attempted to tell his fellow peers about Cabal’s secret, but no one believed him.

e public became aware of this distressing secret when junior Mia DiClemente saw Cabal’s secret for herself.

DiClemente was pulling out of the Planet Fitness parking lot when she caught a glimpse of the most luscious, silky, voluminous, shining, golden, sparkling hair.

“I was just backing out and I saw something shining and when I turned I saw the most beautiful hair in my entire life,” DiClemente said. “I got so distracted by the beauty of his hair that I crashed my car.”

DiClemente was left in shock for a solid 30 minutes just by seeing his hair, however, then fainted when she realized it was Cabal’s.

“I had never expected that my own teacher would have the most stunning hair, especially since he has always been bald,” DiClemente said. “I was just overloaded with shock and hit with beauty, I could not control myself.”

After DiClemente came forward to the press about her teacher’s secret, this news spread throughout the whole country. It is all news sources are talking about.

Cabal has not shown his face in school in a week. His home is surrounded by photographers trying to catch any picture of his luscious locks. After several calls and fan mail, Cabal has nally stepped up and answered questions the whole nation is wondering.

“Look, this is the exact reason why I wear a bald cap,” Cabal said. “For as long as I can remember my parents have made me wear a bald cap to keep my locks protected and hidden.”

Since he was born his hair has been beautiful. He was born with hair down to his feet that almost blinded the doctors with how shiny it was.

“I don’t mind wearing the bald cap,” Cabal said. “It has become a part of my personality and identity, and it helps me protect my hair and keep it hidden.”

Cabal has a 151 step hair routine, using 57 di erent types of shampoo and 94 special oils and conditioners. Along with that, he wears two bald caps, one with a silk lining and a rubber one on top.

“It takes me about 6 hours to wash my hair and do my after shower routine,” Cabal said. “A lot of students always ask me why I haven’t

graded their assignments but they don’t understand all of the tedious work I am spending on washing my hair.”

Cabal shared that he only told his good friend William Milsten about his secret.

“Honestly I needed someone to con de in,” Cabal said. “It is a very heavy thing that I need to keep to myself, like literally, my hair weighs

As soon as Milsten learned about Cabal’s hair he recommended that Cabal pitched his story to a lm director. He inspired the story

“Honestly, I really don’t know how people did not put two and two together after his secret came out,” Milsten said. “He is literally Rapunzel. Someone with long, blonde, golden hair, whose parents forced him to hide it from the world and well… the teaching part kinda ruins it but whatever.”

Many in the public actually believe Cabal’s hair has magical powers like Rapunzel’s. is has caused a mass of citizens and helicopters to camp outside of his house, some of whom have been here for over a week, trying to get a picture or piece of his hair.

“I have been standing outside of his house for four days now, no sleep,” junior Lauren Beers said. “I have not eaten, showered, and have gotten into a few ghts but I am not leaving. I mean a picture of his hair is worth at least $500,000 and a piece of it, I would become a millionaire.”

Cabal is feeling unsafe and has already made plans on quitting teaching and moving to Bora Bora.

“Look, taking care of my hair is already exhausting, I don’t need to have this famous life stress,” Cabal said.

“Honestly this is my excuse to move to Bora Bora and enjoy the paradise life. But maybe not because the ocean water might ruin my hair.”

6 pounds.” of Rapunzel.

SCHNEIDER AS AN INSIDER

Is Mr. Schneider the fake Eminem?

Article by Lil Tapioca

Photo by Anna-Milli-rock-on-deez-toes

Due to the recent accusations of Bocce Ball Champion and math teacher Eric Schneider running an illegal lap ring, another allegation has come to the surface.

“I saw a picture of Eminem and I thought, wow, so little hair,” senior Jeffrey Wang said. “I just instantly made a connection to Schneider. I look up to see Schneider start rapping the quadratic formula - the rapping is spot on.”

Is Schneider the fake Eminem? Students tell us the verdict.

“For sure, a hundred percent… is that what you wanted me to say…can I get my $5 now?” junior Joaquin Carvajal said.

“Inside of that shaved head of his he holds secrets,” junior Senming Hsia said.

“I’m just doing my job here teaching these wonderful students,” Schneider said. “I say what I want to say and do what I want to do.

ere’s no in-between. at’s a little bit of Eminem rap for you, he has some surgical lyrics.”

Students like Wang were curious to see their own math teacher have such similarities to the rap star, Eminem. Features include face and rap talent. But why would Eminem want a cover up? Maybe he’s secretly insecure about his talent. Or maybe he’s caught in a copyright scandal with the actual M&M candy and putting the blame on Schneider. Or he’s possibly ashamed of his hair. After all, there are many conspiracy theories about Eminem baldingand maybe Schneider too.

“Unfortunately Schneider’s DNA and birth records were not available for sale,” Wang said.

“I even tried bribing the sellers with a little something but they didn’t want it.” Carvajal reports an incident between

e next day, Schneider wore a beanie to school. Eminem almost always wore beanies. Coincidence? I think not.

“I didn’t want to show off my beautiful head,” Schneider said. “It’s quite distracting to the students to show off my head, it’s just like showing off my shoulders…way too distracting.”

Schneider held a petition to change the dress code to all baggy clothes and hoodies with the hood on.

Many students seemed to enjoy the shift in Schneider’s fashion. It’s much better than the regular collared shirts

Schneider became the new buzz of being the fake Eminem. A coverup. But he was sick of these lies. So he released a public statement.

“I saw Cabal and Schneider fight it out,” Carvajal said. “ ey had a whole argument about who had the longest hair and of course Cabal won - his Rapunzel hair is unstoppable.”

“ at fight was epic because at the end Schneider was caught rapping the famous ‘Lose Yourself’ song by Eminem,” Hsia said. “It caught everyone’s attention because of the allegations going on right now.”

Later on that day, Schneider’s third period class caught something interesting. ere was an incoming phone call from Cabal with the ringtone of the iconic song “Monster” by Eminem and pop star Rihanna. Students were suspicious to see such similarities.

“Fellow students, it saddens me to admit that I am not the real Slim Shady, but a coverup for something else. I soon hope you find out who I actually am,” Schneider said. “Schneider out.”

e media released Schneider’s birth records and DNA, and students found it fascinating.

Schneider’s DNA traces back to a facility in Hackettstown, New Jersey. His birth records show his mother is green and his father is red with abnormally high blood pressure, and being overly sweet.

“Wait, Mr. Schneider…are you an actual M&M?” Carvajal said.

“Mind your business, son,” Schneider said.

Schneider and the bodybuilder Isiah Cabal.

and layers he wore.

SCHNEIDER SCANDAL TAKES STUDENTS BY SURPRISE

Article by Joe

Photo by Anna Mili-rock-on-deez-toes

Earlier this month, math teacher Eric Schneider was caught as the ringleader behind an illegal lap running ring involving students racing around Stuart. What started out as an innocent way to discipline students and a staple in Schneider’s classes, has grown into something much bigger. e lap system was originally put in place to “allow students to reect on their actions while taking in fresh air.” Laps are given to students who swear, are disrespectful or address the 2022 Faculty Bocce Ball Champion improperly.

Although this system served as useful, Schneider secretly wanted to take it to the next level. e rst race between two students was held as a joke, but Schneider, standing with his stopwatch, instantly knew this could be a pro table business. After that day, instead of assessing laps on the spot, Schneider told students to return after school. When the students arrived at Schneider’s room during study period, there were multiple teachers, including chemistry teacher Carrie Lopez, “coincidentally” at the crime scene.

e two students who led their respective classes in laps, sophomores Wilder Judelson and Kevin Wang, were confused, but continued on with the process. Schneider then explained that the students must race each other around the building if they wanted to keep their current grades in the class. Judelson thought it was all a joke at rst, but was suspicious of the interaction.

“I get a lot of laps in class for petty things like talking about my rizz, so I thought Mr. Schneider just wanted to talk to me about my behavior,” Judelson said. “I was surprised when he threatened Kevin and I,

but didn’t think too much of it. We continued on with the race and of course I won. Oh, and why am I so fast? It’s because I was a part of the STATE CHAMPION SOCCER TEAM.

at’s right, state champs, no sugar coating that.”

Wang was also suspicious when he rst entered the room. His belief was validated as soon as he saw Lopez secretly sneak a $100 bill to Schneider.

“I knew something was o because Mrs. Lopez never leaves the science building,” Wang said. “Every time I’m in the vicinity of Witmer, I can see her watching me like a hawk. It’s almost like she sleeps in the lab.”

Both Wang and Judelson reported the encounter to administration, who conducted an investigation of the scene. What they found was astonishing. It turns out that Schneider had a 64 student bracket under his desk, which he disguised as an NCAA March Madness Tournament bracket. It was also discovered that many teachers had not only been aware of

the ring, but were gambling on the outcome of the races. When confronted by reporters, Schneider didn’t seem ashamed or defensive, which was a surprise to many.

“Do I think what I did was wrong? No,” Schneider said. “Would I ever do it again? Absolutely. Disciplining students and making bank are my two favorite things in the world. Sure, I tarnished my name as the 2022 Faculty Bocce Ball Champion, but it doesn’t matter because I’ll be changing my name to the 2023 Faculty Bocce Ball Champion.”

After a meeting closed o to the public, the administration nally made a verdict last night. Since Lopez was the only teacher who was con rmed as a gambler, she was sentenced to 4 laps. Schneider, on the other hand, was sentenced to 400 laps a day. Judelson found the sentencing funny, and laughed in the most robotic way possible.

“Ha ha ha ha, how the tables have turned,” Judelson said.

Sophmores Wilder Judelson and Kevin Wang were spotted racing while being yelled at by their math teacher, Eric Schneider.

PARTLY CLOUDY GOES THROUGH STORM

Undefeated bocce ball team is a fraud

Article by MAMA Photo by Olive Garden

We all know about the faculty bocce ball league, but only few know about what goes on behind the scenes. Standing undefeated and crushing their opponents, Partly Cloudy has dominated the faculty bocce ball league this year. e pair of Steven Krueger and Brandon Burmeister have been talking all the smack to other sta members, but recent news uncovers why the two have appeared unbeatable.

Partly Cloudy started o the season 3-0, winning in the same fashion every game. e team seems to always go down big and quickly turn it around, miraculously throwing every ball perfectly. When asked about the game, Krueger’s condence was at an all-time high.

“What do you mean ‘how do I do it?” said Krueger. “If you’ve ever watched me play you would know that I’m him. Ask anyone, when it comes to clutch moments, I’m that guy.”

Allegations of misconduct have silenced the Partly Cloudy duo. Pictures have surfaced of Burmeister handing his bocce balls to Chemistry teacher Nick Eliason. After multiple tests, it appears that the balls were tampered with to assure Partly Cloudy the victory every week. Krueger didn’t appear to regret his decisions,

saying that “ball is life.”

“ is league is my life,” Krueger said. “I have a winner mentality and do what it takes to win. I hate losing and love winning–it’s that simple. So when Nick approached me about a business opportunity, I took it. ”

Eliason placed magnets in the balls and in exchange for Elliason’s work, team Partly Cloudy paid for his Tinder pro le and dates,

e allegations were made by Dean of Upper School Kyle McGimsey. McGimsey is a member of the team, e Runner Ups, and was overheard while worrying about having to play Krueger and Burmeister. After the allegations surfaced, senior omas Kienle confessed to being hired by McGimsey to spy on them.

“I hated turning them in,” Kienle said. “Mr Burm has always been the GOAT. He was my golf coach and teacher, so the decision was very tough, but the pay was too good. McGimsey got that bag for real.”

Despite their obvious athletic abilities, Burmeister and Krueger felt that they needed assurance of their victory. After avoiding multiple scandals during his career, Burmeister felt invincible.

both of which rack up a very expensive bill. When asked about why he conceded, Eliason said that his main focus in life is making dough.

“I try to set the best example I can for my students and hopefully this teaches them an important lesson that I live by,” Eliason said. “Get the bag and get out.”

“I gured we could hide it,” Burmerister said. “I’ve been stealing Diet Coke from the grille for the past 10 years and no one’s noticed.”

As a result of the tampering, team Partly Cloudy will be forced to retire from the league.

Recent allegations have proved that there has been tampering in the Faculty Bocce Ball League. One of these was adding magnets into the bocce balls used in the o cal matches.

WHAT DEAN ARE YOU?

Do you sports?enjoy

Do you love to rock a good bow tie?

Do you love a good TPS Basketball pullover?

Do you con- sider curving tests?

Do you work with middle schoolers?

Do you have a good eye for an untucked shirt?

Do you own every Trinitysingle Prep coffee mug that was manufactured?

Quiz by Abby Cadabby

Mr. Schneider

Coach Dean

Mr. McGimsey

Mr. Garnett

WORD SEARCH

Word Search by Karseat Headrest Graphics also by Karseat Headrest

Words are scrambled backwards, horizontally, diagonally, and vertically!

Note: Here is used twice in the word bank, the word only appears once in the search. Answers On Page 26!

WORD BANK

There Was An Article Here Originally But Plans Changed So Here Is This Word Search Instead

WWALSNXYBCDWOSV

GRUYSENKELARZZA

AMEIHGRFLSGYWJN

WPHHESPECUETSIS

WORDAEVEAIYNMNH ORIGINALLYWSTMO IXIZARQMSAXTKFT FUYJSAWSSFIEVMA

A STICKY SCANDAL Trinity

faces controversy and mystery with an on-campus black market

Article by Jack w/out the brows Graphic by Olive Garden

Gum. Tasty, chewy, calming perfection. Gum symbolizes a sense of freedom; a freedom of avor. is freedom was stripped away from Trinity students late last year when Dean of Upper School Kyle McGimsey declared that gum was banned on campus.

“I really enjoy chewing gum,” freshman Ari Lanxner said. “So when Mr. McGimsey banned gum, I felt that all hope was lost.” is feeling of hopelessness and despair has rung all throughout campus, as chewing gum is a pastime that is enjoyed by millions during times of stress or smelly breath.

However, a black market of sorts on campus recently started secretly selling gum for ve dollars a piece to students, faculty and sta .

e identity behind these criminals responsible for the black market is unknown, but we do know that it is run by a group of students under one mastermind who are fed up with the status quo of only eating mints.

“We had to take matters into our own hands,” said an anonymous member involved in the scheme. “Gum is a basic right of people, so for a fair price they should be able to have it on campus.”

Now, for a reasonable fee, students are able to return to their normal lives and go back to chewing gum at school.

Nevertheless, a debate emerged on campus on whether to crackdown on the black market or not. is division of opinions was not only between students, but teachers as well. Some teachers, such as B. “Bubbles” McKenzie and Steven Garnett believed that the black market should remain.

“I believe that students can be trusted to chew gum and not cause any problems for the school,” McKenzie said. “If students are granted more freedom such as chewing gum in school, then their stress levels will decrease and productivity will go up allowing them to do better in their classes.”

A band of teachers: Michael “ e Menace” Hill, Benjamin “ e Bad-boy” Gaddis and Bill “ e Bocce-Baller” Milsten decided to uncover this secret and bring an end to the black market of gum. All of them have their own reasons as to why they oppose gum at school.

as a math teacher has proven problematic. I am forever team NO GUM.”

“Everyone knows that my o ce is a stressfree zone,” Gaddis said. “But I get especially irritable when students loudly chew gum around me; that’s why I’ve had to add zen music and a fountain to my room.”

e reason why Milsten in particular has a strong distaste for gum is unclear, but many believe he has chiclephobia: a fear of chewing gum. is rumor began to spread when his seniors witnessed him collapse to the oor after he spotted one of his students blowing a bubble.

After days of interrogating and deep-diving on Twitter, the trio uncovered the culprit behind that black market. e boss of the illegal gum business was none other than K. McGimsey.

“ e truth is… I am power-hungry,” McGimsey said once the truth was revealed to the entire school. “ e power I feel when hoarding this gum lls me with a rush of adrenaline. I enjoy taking gum from students and watching the smiles on their faces dissipate into subservient frowns.”

When Hill, Gaddis and Milsten uncover the truth, they receive a warrant to search McGimsey’s o ce and discover 1600 ounces of gum in the drawers where les and papers used to be.

“I used to think gum was great, it helped me forget how long it had been since my breakfast burrito during my morning classes,” Hill said.

“ at all changed the day I lost two ngers in a gum removal incident involving a razor blade and gum-b-gone solution that was not mixed properly. Now I can only count to eight, which

Now that the black market kingpin has been identi ed, Trinity nishes out the year with gum once again nowhere to be seen on Trinity’s campus.

“It’s annoying we have to go back to only mints now,” Lanxner said. “And now, my Grille account is $30 dollars in debt because I spent all of my money on gum.”

McGimsey in his o ce sitting on mountains of gum while smiling from the sadness of his gum deprived-students

CULT OF THE CROWS

Article by Yogurt Parfay Photo by Edwards Camerahands

e blackbirds of Trinity Prep have been increasing ever since the founding of the school; however, the mass of crows and grackles this year has raised many eyebrows. e normal nuisance of annoying birds has taken a turn for worse to something very concerning.

“ ey are everywhere, on tables, in bushes, in trees, in lawn chairs, and in the corner of everybody’s eyes,” Forensics teacher Benjamin Gaddis said, who had made it a personal mission to save the school from crow domination. “I can not seem to get rid of them; something is going on.”

eir unusual behaviors have left many people pondering the crows’ true intentions. Many students and teachers feel the eeriness of the campus with the presence of blackbirds.

“I feel watched constantly,” freshman Charlotte Lightman said. “ ere is always something lurking in the shadows, and when I turn around, I notice the malicious glint in the bird’s beady eye and it gives me shivers down my spine.”

Recently the birds have taken a more aggressive approach to take over the campus. Under the extensive observations and research of Gaddis, he has concluded that they are ready to continue onto stage two of their plan to total control: stealing food and worst of all, marking their territory.

“I get pooped on at least twice a day, I can not even eat outside anymore,” Lightman said while being interviewed on a table littered with bird feces. “whenever I look up, there is a bird above me. I cower in fear every time hoping that a white splotch does not land on me or my food, but at this point the white splotches have become a splash of color for my

clothing.”

While some worry about the blackbirds ruining their food, others worry more about if they even have food for lunch due to the birds’ habit of stealing food from innocent students.

“I broke my leg trying to save my school lunch from the crows,” 7th grader Alex Butz said. “I had not had lunch for the past week as this one crow kept on snatching my food. is time I fought instead of fleeing and I finally was able to protect my pasta and meatballs at

curricular activities.

“I only attend student council meetings solely to avoid confrontation of the birds as I value my limbs and food greatly,” Freshman Misha Choudry said.

Many teachers like Gaddis firmly believe that these odd occurrences are more than wildlife living on campus. In attempts to solve the mystery, Gaddis has dedicated his time to create a suspect board to uncover the ring leader behind the intricate plan of crow domination.

“ rough my research, I discovered that there several ring leaders throughout the years,” Gaddis said. “I have headshots of every blackbird on campus here and a short bio of their attack patterns from my daily bird spying time with my special binoculars.”

the expense of the broccoli… and my leg.”

However, the students found some success with avoiding these birds. Some tactics include the duck and run, drop and roll, and the all time favorite look and hide.

“I am constantly on the lookout for the blackbirds and if I see them, I run as fast as I can to a tree or bench and try to blend in and be one with nature,” Lightman said. “I am so trained at this point I would be ready for any sports involving running. Now that I think about it, maybe that’s why Trinity is so good at soccer, we have extra practice sprinting away from enemies.”

While some students are willing to combat the crows, others have taken refuge in the classroom under the disguise of clubs or extra-

According to Gaddis’s information, the pigeon seemed to be the only known leader this year. He overthrew the past leader and started doing quick work on the defenseless students and faculty. Everyday he taunted the students avoiding capture while also pushing the blackbirds for more attacks and extra shrieking sessions. However after a near capture experience with English teacher and bird aficionado Steve Krueger’s class, the pigeon decided to go into hiding and it is rumored that he is now ruling the ranks from afar.

Even with these crazy events, there are still teachers that advocate for the blackbirds.

“I refuse to believe that they are hateful animals of vengeance,” Krueger said. “So what if they steal some food or attack kids, I mean they need to eat too and who are we to intrude on their business.”

With all being said, whether students and teachers agree with the conspiracy or not, it is necessary to proceed with caw-tion.

BUDGET CUTS LEAVE HURDLE RACES TO BE RUN WITH NO HURDLES

Article by Lammy Sou

Photo by Anna Mili-rock-on-deez-toes

Trinity Prep is in a budget crisis. Administrators were shocked to find that the budget for the 2023-2024 school year is down to zero. As a result, Trinity has decided to cut funding for classrooms and athletics to zero and even is asking staff to help raise funds. These cuts have thrown the staff into a frenzy as they try to figure out how to get through next year.

The decrease in school funds stems from a recent scam in which administration wired thousands of the school’s money to a “helpless” prince from Nigeria. When the prince did not pay them back, the school’s administration panicked and tried everything in their power to recover the money, but to no avail.

“We thought that once we saved that young man from his emergency, he would give us double what we gave him,” said Head of Upper School Tracy Bonday. “Now we can’t get our money back, so we have to make up for it somehow. We believe the best way we can fix this problem is through major budget cuts. We’ll be back to normal in no time.”

For sports coaches like Track and Field Head Coach Mike Rogers, the cuts are so severe that he has been forced to sell the hurdles used for the hurdle races in order to afford entry fees for track meets. Despite this setback, the coach still plans to hold the races.

“Usually when we host track meets here at Trinity, we have the 100-meter hurdles race and the 400-meter hurdles race,” Rogers said. “Unfortunately, we have to sell those hurdles so that we have enough funds to participate in meets at other schools. This means that we will have to ask

the athletes running our hurdles races to use their imagination and picture the hurdles on the track.”

Trinity’s athletes who run the hurdles are extremely disappointed about this twisted turn of events. However, freshman Justin Stockstill, who currently holds the school record for the 400-meter hurdles race at 41.93 seconds, plans to hurdle this obstacle with a positive attitude.

“Nothing will stop me from running the hurdle race, and the hurdles being removed is hardly an issue,” Stockstill said. “My love and passion for hurdling go way back to when my grandparents had to jump over supply carts during the war in order to get to school. It would be a disgrace if I stopped hurdling.”

The cuts have hit the classrooms just as hard.

large yard sale in the middle of the quad. This gigantic yard sale will include everything a student can only dream of taking home.

“I have always wanted to take home one of the pencil sharpeners that they use here,” said freshman Karl Loiseau. “They are so fast and efficient and are so much better than the handheld ones. The price is only $12, which is a steal.”

Going along with the yard sale will be a bake sale hosted by the staff, who aim to collect enough money to make up for the budget cuts. All the teachers love the new booth so much that one of them, art teacher Kym Moreland-Garnett, has decided to drop an entire art class to dedicate more time to baking the desserts. The bake sale will feature heavily marked-up prices in order to meet their goal in the quickest way possible.

Teachers have been forced to sell most of their classroom supplies and equipment in order to help raise money for the school.

“I’m willing to do anything for this class,” Biology teacher Bryan Moretz said, who has already donated two of his kidneys to combat the cuts.

Teachers are not the only ones who are feeling the effects of the budget cuts. When freshman Olliver Polsinelli arrived at the campus, he was stunned to find out that the rock was sold and replaced with a big rock-shaped chunk of styrofoam.

“Where did everything go?” asked Polsinelli. Instead of auctioning off the equipment or listing it on eBay, the school plans to hold a

“That was delicious,” said Ishan Choksey, who purchased a brownie for $25.99.

As for the Nigerian Prince, he appreciates Trinity’s assistance but says that his nation is still in need.

“Thank you to everyone at Trinity Prep for their help,” said the prince. “Me and my countrymen are now partly recovered from our emergency. However, I would like to request another few hundred thousand dollars to get everything back on track. You won’t have to worry, as when we are back to normal, we will send you back double what you gave us.”

It is unclear how Trinity will respond to this request.

RAMSAY RAGES AT THE GRILLE

World renowned chef, Gordon Ramsay takes a trip to the Grille and things do not go as planned...

Article by Boaz Kim

Photo by Olive Garden

is week on “Gordan Ramsay goes undercover,” Ramsay has announced that he will be visiting Chris and Jonthan at the all famous Grille. Ramsay will go in disguised as a Trinity student who is doing a project for a class and order many famous items such as the breakfast burrito, quesadillas, and many more. Ramsay said that he has high expectations going into this segment.

“I have heard so much about this restaurant and I am very thrilled to have the opportunity to come and try it for myself,” Ramsay said.

Ramsay’s eagerness to come to the Grille quickly took a turn for the worse, as he described his rst experience coming into the Grille.

“Before I even opened the door, I could smell some rotting odor that even the worst restaurants of the world do not have,” Ramsay said.

When later asked about this smell, the lead chef Chris said that it must have been the smell of his man cave that he has in the back of the kitchen.

“I spend so much time here at the Grille, because I am so dedicated, that a while ago I decided to make myself a little man cave where I do everything,” Chris said. “I eat all my meals in there, and I don’t even have to clean the dishes because it just blends in with the smell of my delicious food.”

Willing to put this rst impression aside, Ramsay decided to try his rst dish, the breakfast burrito which Chris says has the most exquisite ingredients like eggs that have been aged in the back of his car for years on years.

“ e avors of this burrito really hit me hard and gave me some perspective,” Ramsay said. “I did not know it was possible to mess up a burrito this bad. e cheese was cold and I do not think the sausage was sausage.”

Chris later admitted that he did make a mistake when serving Ramsay his rst dish, but he did not think it would be that big of a deal.

“I remember when I was making that burrito, I was dancing and singing like I usually do but I realized I was out of sausage,” Chris

said. “I was going to go get more from the back storage area, but my song wasn’t over yet, so I just used my beef jerky from this morning. It’s like the same thing right??”

Chris said that he had been preparing a dessert that would be one of the best things he has ever made, but when he went to bring it out, there was no one out there. Ramsay had left.

“It was so strange,” Chris said. “Right before I went out to give him the dessert I had asked Jonthan if he thought it would still taste good after I mixed up the salt and sugar measurements because they look so similar.”

Later on, Ramsay took everything into consideration and gave his honest review of Trinity’s Grille.

“I went home later that day, my stomach hurt and I could not shake the smell and avors of that place,” Ramsay said. “I can condently say that I have never been to a place that was quite like the Grille. I think that if I recruit some kids from my show Master Chef Junior and have them mentor Chris, we can turn this place into something special.”

Chef Gordon Ramsay critiques Chris as he appears to be in complete disgust at his experience in the Grille.

THE GRILLE GETS GRILLED

A

completely serious review of Trinity Prep’s flagship restaurant

Article by Reese’s Puffs (eat ‘um up x3) & A Vervey Tired Writer

Photo by Edward Camerahands

Over the past few years, head chef Chris has been running The Grille with reasonable popularity and a modicum of success. However, Chris is new to this game. And, as food critic Anton Ego says in the 2007 movie “Ratatouille,” Chris has been “playing without an opponent. Which is, as you may have guessed, against the rules.” Today, Chris meets his match.

Two world-class food aficionados, renowned for their severe boba tea critiques, Reese “The Cava Cavalier” Taylor and Jack “Packs Lunch From Home” Ververis are here to turn up the heat on one of Trinity’s most celebrated institutions. Today, The Grille will be grilled.

Pulling into the lonely and sad parking lot, we were disappointed to find no valet service but a flock of less-than-welcoming Sandhill cranes. After tossing our keys to a roller-backpack toting sixth-grader, we trudged to our dining location hoping to receive prime service that Friday evening.

The decor of the restaurant was minimalist in the Norwegian style, and the line was already out the door. However, when we went inside to be seated, we were met with the highest insult. We waited for 10 minutes to be seated, without a single server in sight. We chose a seat among a pack of Fortnite-playing youngsters. As frequent diner Ava Savino stated, seeing a group of diners so self-absorbed and unwilling to engage in conversation reminded her of her youth, and family back home. The atmosphere was nostalgic.

After an eternity searching for our waiter we were finally approached by a history teacher wielding a sword who identified themselves as

“Mr. Milsten.” He explained that for an all-encompassing price of $27,000 (just a year of Trinity’s tuition) we could receive a famous three course selection.

Our first course, the appetizer, consisted of a burrito (pronounced, “būr-i-tôe”) of cosmic proportions. While The Grille positions itself as a fine-dining restaurant the burrito seemed to be some kind of circular sandwich consisting of typical American breakfast foods rather than our culinary standards of avant-garde grilled cheese and gourmet charcuterie boards. Still, seeing a simple dish fit the entirety of the universe was quite the surprise, and reminded us of our favorite indie movie that we saw before it was popular, obviously, “Everything Everywhere All At Once” and also “Footloose.”

In the midst of our dining experience we

were rudely interrupted by murderous screams echoing from what seemed to be the kitchen. After a moment of careful contemplation, we realized that it was simply a piece of performance art to add to the restaurant’s ambiance referencing the 2022 acclaimed-by-us film “The Menu.” After a few minutes of polite applause, we resumed dining.

Unfortunately, after a few short minutes we were once again interrupted by a sushing voice. The person, who identified themselves as Mrs. DeGroff, said that we were chewing too loud. Shortly after we received our final dish. As recommended by 7-year food novice to The Grille, The Victorious Wang, the Monday pasta special served as the finale to our fine dining experience.

Given the trials and tribulations we endured at our time at The Trinity Grille we have made the decision to never return. Especially not after May 26th.

TOP 1O EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING YOUR HOMEWORK

Article by Heartazzach Graphics by Kung Fu Liu

Are you tired of staying up late and stressing about unfinished homework? Fear not, fellow procrastinators! This ultimate list of excuses for not doing your homework will make your teacher think twice before giving you a zero. What’s gaslighting again?

“The Police Took It In As Evidence”:

After deriving nuclear launch codes from your Multivariable Calculus homework, don’t be surprised when the Secret Service comes knocking. Because, let’s face it, nothing screams national security threat quite like a high school student with a calculator.

The Starbucks Order:

Picture this: you’re stuck in a long Starbucks line and someone orders a Venti Caramel Crunch Frappuccino with extra pumps of dark caramel sauce, bananas, whipped cream, extra ice, honey blend, and caramel drizzle. As your teacher froths at the mouth listening intently to your story, they completely forget about the homework you didn’t do.

“I Got Kicked Out Of The Library”:

When you’re kicked out of the library for discussing the ethical implications of eating Tide Pods, you should've known that not everyone can handle your intellectual debate skills. At least now you have a legitimate excuse for not finishing your work.

“TV Is Too Tempting”:

With the release of a new season of The Bachelor, it’s not your fault you spent the whole night binge-watching all of the episodes. Who needs to know Shakespeare when you can learn about the complexities of modern relationships.

“Why Give Away My Intellectual Property?”:

In Trinity’s cutthroat academic environment, giving away your intellectual property is like shooting yourself in the foot. After all, why give away something you worked so hard on to a teacher who probably doesn’t even remember your name?

The Jedi Mind Trick:

Fear not, young Padawan. Wave your hand in front of your teacher’s face and say, “This is not the homework you are looking for.” Works every time, unless your teacher is a Sith Lord.

The Granny Gambit:

Nobody wants to question the validity of a supposed family tragedy. It’s like walking on a thin ice of morality, however desperate times call for desperate measures. Make sure to use it sparingly though, because if you’re caught in a lie, the only thing six feet under will be your grade.

The Religion Card:

The only thing better than pocket aces is the religion card. If anyone speaks up, tell them you need to call your spiritual leader for clearance.

“I Didn’t Want To Add To My Teacher’s Workload”:

We all know teachers have enough on their plate, so why not be a good Samaritan and spare them one more assignment to grade? Considering the sheer number of Red Bull cans littering every classroom, it’s clear they already have enough to deal with.

“I Didn’t Do It”:

Sometimes you just need to be honest – let's be real here, who in their right mind would accept that excuse for not doing your homework? That’s where the nine above come in, each with a 100% success rate. Don't believe me? Well, why not give them a try yourself?

PARKING UNDER PRESSURE

Article by Loosey Goosey Photo by Livlaughlove

3 am. at is now the appropriate time to arrive for Trinity drivers hoping to snag a parking spot on campus. Due to construction in the main parking lot, the only viable source of parking for students and faculty has become the 40 spots o ered at Chapel Point, which are not nearly enough to support Trinity’s 500 drivers. As a result, it has become a survival of the ttest.

“On Monday I arrived at 3:05am to look for parking, and just as I had begun pulling into the last spot, I was rear-ended by Mr. Milsten, not once but six times,” sophomore Amanda Rose Destefano said. “He didn’t stop until my car broke down, and I was no longer able to park. Milsten then maneuvered around me and pulled into the spot himself.”

While to most this may seem like a targeted act of aggression, Trinity has become accustomed to this sort of behavior. Even going so far as to promote it among the students.

“It’s not anything personal towards Amanda Rose, I love the kid,” history teacher William Milsten said. “However, I do what I have to do. Trinity parking is not a battle I can a ord to lose. Sure, Amanda was supposedly ‘already pulling in’ but she hadn’t actually parked yet. As far as I’m concerned that spot was still fair game. If this parking asco should teach our kids anything it’s that you should always go after what you want. I haven’t done anything but be a role model for our youth.”

In the last week alone there have been over 30 incidents similar to the one between Destafano and Milsten. However, not all in the

parking game have chosen violence.

A select group of students and faculty have begun living out of their cars in Chapel Point, instead of ghting over parking in the wee hours of the morning. Over the past few weeks they have formed somewhat of a rural living community.

“We are really like a family out there, all taking care of each other. I’ve grown to love our little circle,” junior Mohil Kapadia said.

Math teacher Shannon Bergman has taken on the role of caretaker in the Chapel Point Commun.

“I don’t do much really,” Bergman said. “I just make sure everyone gets fed and has a warm blanket for the night, it can sometimes get chilly during those cold fronts and heating all the cars can get pretty pricey.”

For the most part this strategy seems far preferable to endangering your life in the morning ght for parking, but the bathroom situation does give it some drawbacks.

“When we all moved into Chapel Point no one really considered where we’d built a

restroom or if we’d have one at all. We were all so sleep deprived those rst weeks that no one ever bothered to build a proper potty, and by the time we’d adjusted to our new home everyone had become used to using nature’s water closet. So by that point no one really felt the need to build a proper bathroom,” senior Sreekar Nagulapalli said.

Despite the many drivers arriving before dawn or never leaving campus, some of Trinity’s drivers have converted to more convenient modes of transportation, opting to swim or y to school.

“I recently completed my ying certi cation and have been using it to y a small plane to and from school each day. e quad makes for the ideal landing strip,” junior Olivia Kortman said. “Plus it’s so nice to y to school because I can wake up late as there is no tra c.”

e swim team has also been able to utilize their unique skill set in this time of crisis.

“I live a few lakes down from the one at Trinity and have taken to swimming through the canals and lakes to get to school in the morning. Although it’s exhausting I’ve found my morning exercise to be quite rewarding. Although it is awkward when I leave wet footprints in my rst couple periods,” sophomore and swimmer Cara Mortimer said.

Although students and teachers have learned to cope with their new normal, it is becoming clear that the situation is not sustainable. For at this rate, we’ll be lucky if half the student population makes it to summer.

Amanda and Milsten get into a parking asco in Chapel Hill over limited spots.

NEW MISSION STATEMENT CREATES WORLD PEACE

Article by Taylor Swift Photo by Olive Garden

It was an ordinary assembly at Trinity Prep. Students were fast asleep in their chairs–teachers, also fast asleep but slightly more subtly. No one was anticipating that assembly to change their lives forever.

Head of School Byron Lawson stood in front of the student body, promising an announcement that would transform Trinity, fundamentally altering our education system. Students woke up, their minds racing with possibility, wondering if he was going to cancel exams or start summer early. But something even more monumental was announced: the school’s new mission statement.

e old mission statement, which we can all clearly agree is trash, reads “ e mission of TPS is to develop individuals who will excel in college and in life, contribute to their communities, lead in a changing society, and grow spiritually.”

statement to heart.

“I used to want to become an individual who would lead in a changing society, but now I want to be an ethical and resilient leader!”

Junior Senming Hsia said.

When asked what the di erence between

posting a black square on his Instagram story.

“I don’t see color anymore,” Selsky said. “Or wait– I do see color! But maybe I don’t? I don’t know, just use whichever one sounds better.”

Additionally, students can be seen frolicking in the quad, holding hands and skipping in circles around the rock while singing “You Will Be Found” from Dear Evan Hansen.

When asked how the school orchestrated this revolutionary change, Mission Statement Enthusiast Byron Lawson admits that Trinity spent over three million dollars hiring a team of scholars, philosophers, and Nobel Prize Winners to write it.

“Yes, it did leave us severely in debt, but the money is well worth it,” Lawson said.

Students dance around the rock after experiencing the power of the new mission statement.

the two was, Hsia punched me in the face and told me that I wasn’t exhibiting the values of a Saint.

e money is well worth it indeed. Trinity Prep is evolving into a better, brighter place, and it’s all thanks to the new mission statement.

e new one is completely di erent and obviously superior. It reads, “Develop ethical, resilient leaders who thrive in the pursuit of excellence, embrace diversity, grow in thought in perspective, and grow spiritually.”

Students have already begun to thrive in the pursuit of excellence by taking this excellent

Other students have also felt the new mission statement’s e ects.

“I can already feel myself becoming more ethical,” Junior Auva Farahani said. “I used to cheat on all my tests, but now I only cheat in my hard classes!”

Another student, Junior Avi Selsky, said he has grown to embrace diversity, going as far as

I reached out to a few members of the committee that wrote it, asking how they accomplished this monumental task. One member shrugged and said the following.

“I dunno, I just put the old one into Chat GPT and the new one came out.”

LOVE IS IN THE AIR!

And so is Mono- watch out...

Article by the Love Guru Graphic by The Female Graphic Artist

Hey lovers- As we all know by now, high school relationships are notoriously composed of meaningful lasting connections that you will remember for the rest of your life. But they’re also really hard to navigate. Having relationship troubles? Need to talk to your crush? I have answers. Here’s my list of tips and tricks to help you nd love right here at school. Never fear, the love guru is here.

FIRST DATE:

First dates are notoriously scary. First impressions count, so you don’t want to waste it. Under NO circumstances should you reveal your true personality on the rst date, you don’t want to scare them o too soon. Save your deep-rooted psychological issues for the second date, you will be much more comfortable with each other by then.

On your rst date, make sure to “accidentally” leave your wallet at home. Feel no shame and don’t even bother doing the classic “looking for your wallet” bit when the check comes; you don’t want to date someone who is poorknow your worth!

Worried about what to talk about? Don’t stress, I have compiled a list of neutral, stimulating topics to explore with your date:

1. Politics

2. Religion

3. Your Ex

4. Family dynamics

5. How much money they have

6. Marriage

7. Whether or not they want kids

Here is a saying I live by: “If the conversation’s dry, just lie!” Do you feel like you are coming o as boring? Are you stuck on small talk? Just to spice it up a bit, you can lie. I love telling people I am the lost princess of Genovia (IYKYK). After all, we all know the strongest relationships are based on lies. A lot of people have issues with lying, but if it is so wrong, why is it so easy?

If they confront you later about the dozens of lies you told, just gaslight them into thinking it’s their fault (don’t worry, this always works). See! I just lied.

PDA:

In terms of my thoughts on PDA: I say go for it! I nd it completely appropriate to be BOLD with your actions! Nothing better than making everyone around you uncomfortable and sad. at’s the price they pay for being single, am I right?

“It makes me really happy to see couples displaying their love in the hallway for everyone to

see,” said sophomore Sarah Currie. “It is so sel ess of them to share their love like that.”

CRUSHES:

Whether it be a little hallway crush or someone you have been obsessed with for years, I believe you should approach them all the same way: Stalk them. Insert yourself into situations so you are always on their mind. Learn everything about them so you can change your interests for them… you know, get to know them! at’s my favorite trick. And when they nally start talking to you, ignore them! It’s good to keep them guessing about what you want, you can never be too unpredictable!

“You can never be too mysterious, that’s what keeps them interested in you,” said sophomore Daniel Chacko.

COMMUNICATION:

Everyone says communication is the key to a strong relationship, but I think it is the lock. Why should you express your feelings for your partner? at is what your therapist is for.

“I haven’t talked to my boyfriend in weeks, I feel great,” junior Taylor Pitone said. “Our relationship has never been stronger.”

Oversharing is a big red ag. Your partner should never know anything too personal about you, like your middle name, or your address. It is important to keep these things to yourself.You are building the foundation for a strong relationship.

BREAKUPS-

Breakups are rough. ere are so many ways to approach them.

My best tip is to air all your dirty laundry on social media. It comes o as really classy and mature. You can also do things like dye your hair neon green (you won’t regret it), create a new identity, and move to a foreign countryyou know, healthy, realistic coping mechanisms.

“I followed all of these tips and I am doing incredible,” said sophomore Cassidy Cruzada, before breaking down crying in the middle of the grille for reasons that have nothing to do with her recent breakup and new electric-blue hair.

ere you have it folks. is guide is all you need to navigate any high school relationship. Also, don’t be afraid to apply some of these tips to other relationships in your life. ese tips have a 100% success rate (statistics to come at later date). Until next time, Bye lovers- e Love Guru

SENIOR SWITCH DAY SENIOR SW ITCH DAY

Article by KayleeBailey

Photo by Anna Mili-rock-on-deez-toes

At approximately 10:19 AM on April 1, upper school dean Kyle McGimsey was seen running through the quad towards the upper school o ce, having issued an emergency meeting with faculty in charge of discipline. e matter was serious, and it wasn’t long before the students caught on to what was happening on campus.

All morning and afternoon, the Trinty Vice’s inbox had been over owing with reports regarding odd behavior on campus. ese reports detailed behavior primarily concerned with the senior and sixth grade classes, a connection which had yet to be discovered.

Reports highlighted members of the senior class foolishly running around the quad, even jumping o the rock.

is behavior was suspicious and rumors had quickly spread, some reporting that the seniors’ sleep deprivation had nally caught up to them.

When later interviewed, McGimsey revealed that it was due to the oddest of behaviors that led to him calling the meeting between faculty.

“I was relaxing in the quad with my cup of co ee while engaged in one of my favorite pastimes, hunting down troublemakers,” said McGimsey. “ at’s when I saw Charlie Arney humming a tune and skipping around. I was so traumatized by the image that I decided to trust my gut and get to the bottom of things.”

When interviewed, science teacher Anthony Palumbo also reported strange behavior with the seniors he taught. “I had seniors literally running out the door as the bell rang, pushing one another to be the rst out,” said Palumbo. “Not to mention, the hallway looked like a stampede. One kid nearly trampled me with his rolling backpack!”

Many reports stated that the sixth graders weren’t acting any less normal. When interviewed, math teacher Lynn Wilbur stat-

ed that in her classes, students wouldn’t stop talking about their upcoming plans for lunch the next period.

“Originally, I thought they were talking about the grille,” said Wilbur. “But when I

something shy was going on.”

What made her even more suspicious, said Wilbur, was the matter of attendance. Attendance in the sixth grade classes she taught, which had been almost perfect the day before, had plummeted, almost all of them being unexcused absences.

ough widely agreed that something strange was happening, the question was, why? After hours of painstaking investigation, Mr. McGimsey was nally able to provide the answer.

e day before, there was an event held in the grille for the seniors and their sixth grade younger siblings.

e organizers had arranged for cookie decoration as a bonding activity, but what they didn’t know was that the seniors’ April fools prank was to switch the sugar for salt in the batter when the grille sta weren’t looking. Somehow in the process, the salt was exchanged for an unknown alternative - an alternative which caused a switch in the demeanor of the seniors with their sixth grade younger siblings.

e very next day, everything seemed to be back to normal. But one thing’s for sure, the seniors and sixth graders understand each other better than ever before and will never complain about the other again… hopefully.

heard them considering whether they were going to get boba or Chick- l-a, I had a feeling

Senior caught running across campus with a rolling backpack.

GOSSIPGPT - BLOGGING’S FUTURE

Article by Karseat Headrest and Jules Graphic by Edward Camerahands

Hello Winter Parkers, and welcome to the latest edition of TPS gossip girl. Today, we’ve got a juicy scoop about a heated feud between two co-editors in chief of the Voice, Marcos and Jack.

Sources close to the school newspaper office have revealed that M and J have been at odds for weeks, with tensions rising between the two co-editors in chief. It appears that the feud started over a disagreement about the direction of the newspaper, with M pushing for more hard-hitting investigative pieces, while J favored a lighter, more entertaining approach.

e tension between the two co-editors reached a boiling point last week when M reportedly accused J of stealing credit for a story that M had worked tirelessly on. According to witnesses, M stormed into the newspaper office and confronted J in front of their fellow staff members.

ings quickly escalated, with J firing back and accusing M of being too rigid and inflexible in his approach to journalism. Witnesses described a heated argument that ended with the two co-editors storming out of the office in a huff.

Since then, the two co-editors have been avoiding each other like the plague, with tensions between them remaining high. ere are rumors that other staff members are taking sides in the feud, with some supporting M and others backing J.

Unfortunately, it appears that the feud has now escalated to a point where it is affecting the quality of the newspaper itself. Some staff members have expressed frustration with the constant bickering and lack of unity, while others have begun to take sides in the feud.

e situation has become so tense that there are rumors that the faculty advisor is considering stepping in to mediate the dis-

pute. It’s unclear what action, if any, will be taken to resolve the conflict, but it’s clear that something needs to be done before the newspaper’s reputation is irreparably damaged.

Despite their long-standing animosity, it seems that the two have had a major change of heart and have now become more than just colleagues.

Sources close to the school newspaper office

things under wraps for the time being.

Despite their past disagreements, it seems that M and J have found common ground in their shared passion for journalism and their mutual respect for each other’s skills. ey’re said to be working together more effectively than ever before, and the newspaper is thriving under their joint leadership.

Sources now report that M and J’s relationship began to unravel due to their fundamental disagreements about the direction of the newspaper. While they had initially been able to find a compromise that worked for both of them, their differing opinions and priorities continued to cause friction.

ings came to a head last week when the two got into a heated argument about an upcoming editorial piece. e argument escalated to the point where they both realized that their differing visions for the newspaper were irreconcilable. ey agreed to end their romantic relationship and return to being just colleagues, but the damage to their working relationship had already been done.

have revealed that M and J have been spending more and more time together outside of work, and their interactions have been anything but hostile. Apparently, the two co-editors have been engaging in long, late-night conversations about everything from their personal lives to the future of the newspaper.

In fact, it seems that these late-night chats have sparked something more between M and J. According to insiders, the two have recently begun dating in secret, and they’re keeping

Since then, the newspaper office has been tense, with other staff members feeling caught in the middle of M and J’s ongoing disagreements. ere are concerns that the constant bickering and lack of unity will once again negatively impact the quality of the newspaper.

It’s unclear what the future holds for M and J’s working relationship, but it seems that they will need to find a way to work together effectively if the newspaper is to continue to thrive. We’ll be keeping a close eye on this situation and will bring you any updates as they come in. at’s all for now, folks! Stay tuned for more gossip from the school newspaper scene.

Disclaimer: e following article was entirely generated by ChatGPT.

WHO IS TPS GOSSIP GIRL?

Article by Karseat Headrest Graphic by Reese’s Pu s (eat ‘em up x3)

TPS gossip girl, it’s hard to go a day without hearing talk of this mysterious churner of the rumor mill, but the question on everyone’s minds is this: Who exactly is behind this persona? Well, through some hard-hitting investigative journalism, it is my pleasure to take you through the process of unmasking TPS gossip girl.

THE SUSPECTS

David Bryskin - Being the head of the Voice social media, David would have all the resources in order to run the TPS gossip girl account. David also is junior class president, so he does have connections throughout the student body. However, David simply can’t be placed at the scene of the crime, or posts in this case. e posts by the account were made at 7:48 PM, no earlier, no later. But anyone who knows David knows that from 7-8 PM David undergoes an hour-long shower in order to maintain his incredibly majestic curls. One may think that he would forgo this ritual in order to post on this account, however as his curls have remained breathtaking, it’s clear that he cannot be behind the account. “Just look at my monthly spending on conditioner, I will never give up on the hair,” Bryskin said.

Alec Diaz - e main supporting evidence that Alec is behind the account is the fact that he has gone on record saying that he is. “Wait, what do you want me to say? Oh ok, uh I’m TPS gossip girl, I guess,” Diaz said in an interview published March 32nd, 2023. However, due to the fact that the interview I just mentioned is not real and was published on a fake date, it is safe to assume that Alec is not behind the account.

Karthik Stead - Karthik is by-and-large the prime suspect for being behind the TPS gossip girl account. Due to the fact that Karthik is a massive loser with no friends,

starting a gossip account inspired by a TV show is exactly the kind of pathetic thing he would do. Not to mention Karthik is notoriously a massive “gossip girl” fan. “You guys have to watch this show. It’s called gossip girl it’s so good,” Stead said to a group of juniors who quickly left after paying for their food in the Grille. However, since Karthik doesn’t know how to read, it is fairly unlikely that he is behind the account.

THE EVIDENCE

If our three main suspects are out, then we must reexamine the evidence we have in order to make our next guess. We know that all the posts are made at exactly 7:48 PM, from a TPS ip address, specifically from the student publications room. Wait, it can’t be… e only person who could possibly be on campus that late, posting using Voice resources, is…

THE CULPRIT

It is with a heavy heart that I announce that the only person who could be behind the account is the Voice’s very own faculty adviser, Mrs. Miller. In an exclusive interview that I am conducting as I write this, Miller had this to say. “Running the account has all been a ploy to increase readership for this month’s issue,” Miller said. “See, if the students think that the issue is gonna talk about their interpersonal issues instead of stuff that actually matters, they might actually read the paper.” It seems that in a roundabout way, the genesis of the TPS gossip girl account was actually the fault of the students, and if they just read the paper, maybe none of this would have happened. “Also it was really fun watching people, including you, freak out trying to figure out who it was,” Miller added.

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