Trini Bonian SERVING TRINITY UNIVERSITY SINCE 1902 s WWW.TRINITONIAN.COM
VOLUME 109, ISSUE 22 s March 30, 2012
SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS
Experiment in CSI goes horribly awry
What’s Inside
n Secret lab project to create new “super teachers” goes wrong, causing destruction, death and mayhem all over campus by Fraida Profs
Reporter
Puppy Love
Jurgens finds the love of her life and can’t keep her paws off him. Page 6
When Aliens attack KRTU is picking up strange signals from extraterrestrials in outer space. Page 9
Recent increases in longevity along with the usual stubbornness that comes with age has saddled the admin with a plethora of tenured older professors who refused to retire and make way for new, hip teachers. As a result, the president of the university gave the green light to utilize the new science center for the secret purpose of creating the perfect super teacher, who would refuse tenure and follow all of the whims of the administration. “It was the perfect opportunity,” the president said. “We could just add the required secret lab complex without raising any eyebrows, as construction is still ongoing at CSI. Unfortunately, this all went horribly wrong. Prior to the recent power outage, one of the professors working on the project became aware of how these new creations were to be used. Thus, he decided to take matters into his own hands in order to save his and
Yes, we do! Despite protests from parents, students desperate to show school spirit. Page 12
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Attempts to create “super teachers” went wrong when 50 of the creations took over the CSI building and killed several of the science professors.
his colleagues’ jobs by causing the power outage. While it failed to stop the program, it corrupted the as yet immature creations, causing them to believe that all professors must be killed rather than their jobs taken. Thus, when awakened, the beings (numbering some 50 strong) proceeded to kill the entire biology department, who were involved with the project. The president, present at the awakening, was the
only survivor. He immediately called in the Trinity University Police Department to stem the tide. However, a secret memo planning to replace TUPD officers with similar super creations due to insufficient revenue from parking tickets had recently been unearthed. As a result, TUPD declined to help, saying that they felt their efforts were needed to “address the chronic amount of
parking in visitor spaces that occurs on our campus.” And, due to an obscure bylaw giving jurisdiction of law enforcement solely to TUPD, San Antonio police officers were unable to come on campus, as they had not received permission from the head of the campus force. With no other options, the
Greeks hold all seats in the Association of Student Representatives. The majority of students who voted for the proposed amendments to the ASR constitution voted “yes” to the amendment proclaiming that all students at Trinity must be a member of an existing Greek organization. Some have argued that they read the amendments before voting and never saw that particular one, but new ASR president Joe Broseph, junior and member of Flip Mi
Flops, claims that it was there. “The amendment was definitely there. It was the first one on the list. ‘Increase sense of community on campus.’ It’s pretty obvious this is what the student body wants, bro,” Broseph said. Now any student who was not in a Greek organization before the elections is mandatorily rushing for the sorority or fraternity of his or her choice, at least the ones whose charters haven’t been suspended. The GDI Movement has been a
relatively invisible student group for nearly a decade on Trinity’s campus, but their recent campaign against the Greeks has created buzz across the nation. Lady Gaga recently told Jimmy Kimmel on “The Late Show” that she thought the GDIs were brave, and Justin Bieber released his song “GDI Just Wanna Dance WitU” in tribute to the movement last week. Me claims that she learned that the Greeks were planning to overtake campus in a conversation she overhead while infiltrating a mixer between the Bang All Dancers and Yay Gabba Gabbas on Feb. 29, something the GDIs do routinely to gather information about the Greeks. “[Broseph] and his lackeys had been planning this for years,” Me said. “I got all the dirty details and met with Dean Shuttle the next morning.” All Greek orientation activities were halted on March 1, but only the Bang All Dancers, Chea Brah Kewls and Yay Gabba Gabbas charters remain suspended, and the SPURNS and Flip Mi Flops are still under investigation. ASR’s requirement that the entire student body be Greek still stands.
n See ZOMBIES Page 2
Run! The Greeks are taking over! n Non-Greeks attempt to fight back as fraternities and sororities slowly take over campus under obscure new amendment
Got School Spirit?
photo by somebody no one cares about
by Theon LaSorce Reporter
A group of underground rebels, who call themselves “The GDI movement,” went public with their plot to reclaim Trinity’s campus from Greek organizations through a viral YouTube video titled “Greeks 2012,” also revealing their responsibility for the recent suspension of the charters of the Bang All Dancers, Chea Brah Kewls and Yay Gabba Gabbas. Rebel leader Imma B. Me claims the movement was inspired by the “Kony 2012” Invisible Children campaign. “Greeks have been committing atrocious crimes against humanity for years, just like Joseph Kony, and we feel that it’s time that their crimes become famous,” Me said.
Since this spring’s election,
photo by someone
New ASR president Joe Broseph looks on in approval as sorority members do their thing at a recent ASR meeting.