life The Wrong Type of Resolution By Gilbert Enenajor
I feel the need to talk about a growing problem in our society. It is a harmful trend that is going unnoticed because of the way society forces it down our throats and acts like it is ‘not a big deal.’ It affects young and old people alike, men and women. It is called ‘being healthy.’ Whether it’s going for an early morning jog, being conscious of the food you eat, or cutting down on alcohol and cigarettes, being healthy is a pernicious trend that has untold consequences for those who fall victim to its allure. This problem is especially harmful at this time of year due to pressure by the media to adopt new year’s resolutions. Our society tells us that we are not good enough as nacho-eating, potsmoking, League of Legendsplaying university students. Oh no, society tells us we should be healthy. Most people who understand that this ‘healthy’ behaviour is wrong for them, stop going to the gym and return to a life of watching television all day and eating greasy, fattening food within two weeks of the new
year. But some enter into the vicious cycle of eating healthy, regular exercise, and long, restful sleep. These people can no longer enjoy the artery-clogging goodness of a Krispy Kreme doughnut or Cinnabon, or even the smooth taste of a Virginia Slim as it coats your lungs with the ash of over 4,000 different chemicals. Further still, these people can’t even be bothered to go out on the weekend and get completely hammered, simply because they care too much about the negative effects of alcohol on the body. The worst of these are known as the ‘health nuts.’ You see these people in the gym everyday trying to make their bodies as shredded as possible, exercising their will in a tribute to the god Zyzz (if you do see them at the gym, then you go to the gym, which means you are probably affected too and don’t know it). For these people there is no hope; they are condemned to chiseled bodies, high energy levels, and a zest for life until the day they die. Being healthy often has other unexpected side effects. Healthy behaviour can seep into other aspects of life and
cause the symptoms of hard work and determination. Rather than leaving essays to the last minute, a health nut will feel the drive to finish them well in advance and make them the best they can be. This is an obvious case of transference where the desire to do the best one can at the gym is so strong it affects every other part of their life. Soon, they find that they cannot function unless they have had a solid workout. Despite all this, the government and our community leaders do little to prevent the parasitic behaviour from happening. Rather than telling people that they are good enough just as they are, we are constantly bombarded with information about how we can improve ourselves. It is a sick, disgusting cycle that is going to continue unless we stop it. If we don’t, one day we will wake up in a world filled with sexy, healthy, intelligent, driven individuals with the will, desire, and ability to accomplish whatever they want in life. So this year, rather than trying to be a better person by being healthy, I say make a resolution to do whatever the fuck you want.
Arthur’s 20 Predictions for 2013 By Anthony P. Gulston With Files and Comic Sans font brought to you by S & J
1. Binders full of women will begin to empty out as more women abandon their careers in order to fulfill their positions as full-time housewives. 2. Emperor Harper declares a Canadian monarchy. 3. The Peterborough Zoo will buy a giraffe. 4. The price of cheese will rise. 5. Little Lake will need to be drained to find Mayor Bennett’s wedding ring. 6. The Pete’s will win the Memorial Cup. 7. Washboard Hank will run for mayor and win. 8. Lake Ontario will run out of fish. 9. Whales and primates will become legal persons. 10. Trent University will host world’s first Quidditch game. 11. Google will buy the entire internet. 12. Bonnie Patterson will be declared Trent’s new Chancellor. 13. The Ontario Liberals will declare everything an essential service; all union activity will be illegal. 14. Trent Liberty will ask students for a levy. 15. GMO will become the new organic. 16. Justin Bieber will be knighted for his historical contribution to music. 17. The tar sands will run out of oil and dinosaur bones. 18. Tom Johnson will play a good-bye concert at Dionysus. 19. The TCSA will buy the Ceilie and will turn it into a Dunkin’ Donuts franchise. 20. Snow to continue to fall until spring arrives. Flowers to bloom. Rain to fall. Followed by warm weather in the summer. Winds and a slight decrease in temperature in the fall. Followed by snow as winter approaches once again.
Volume 47 | Issue 13 • Satire Edition | January 7, 2013
11