Arthurian Onion Volume 47 | Issue 13 • Satire Edition | January 7, 2013
BREAKING NEWS: Trent Radio Goes Commercial
L L SE By Caileigh Morrison
In an unexpected move, Trent Radio began its 2013 broadcast season by airing an hour of commercials instead of the usual 8:00 AM Pow Wow Radio stream. The community broadcast facility has been converted to a commercial station, and will now play an hour of advertisements for every ten minutes of programming. All of the old shows will be replaced by the song “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen on repeat, to meet Canadian Content requirements. The transformation was set in motion by John K. Muir, Trent Radio’s General Manager. After four decades of involvement in community radio, Muir
decided it was time for a change. “I’m tired of community radio,” Muir admitted. “I’d much rather listen to furniture store commercials than the schlock Trent Radio programmers produce. Audio art? World music? Community events? Blech. Give me top forty or give me death!” How will Muir spend the new revenue generated by the advertising? “I’ve been thinking about installing a gold toilet in my office.” James Kerr, Programme Director, has big plans for the new format. “Honestly, my job was so boring before. I had to nurture new programmers, guide them in their radio journeys, and thank them for doing such a good job. Now I can finally realize a dream of mine: to turn Trent Radio into a hit
trent students to go on strike
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factory!” Kerr plans to use the principles of scientific management to keep the station running like clockwork. “All programmers will now be replaced with cyborgs. Half of them will be programmed to sound like me, and the other half will have the voice of Joan Rivers. I’ve also imported some migrant workers from South America to work in the basement and keep the machines running. They’re so well-behaved!” Former programmer Greg Wilson has been incorporated into the station’s new machinery. Literally. “I play a lot of electronic music on my show, so I guess the guys who came in to set everything up thought I was some sort of broadcasting device.” Wilson is now being used as a
coming out of the closet
Quebec separates from canada
transmitter as well as a back-up auxiliary cable. “It’s not so bad, though I do get a bit seasick from all the radio waves.” Trent Radio President Caileigh Morrison could not be reached for comment. Her assistant told Arthur she was busy flying to Dubai in her private jet. Just kidding! Trent Radio is a not-forprofit charitable organization, and is funded by the students of Trent University, sponsorships from local businesses and the occasional government grant. We won’t sell out; we’re too busy producing radio dramas and talking about reggae and stuff. Also, we won’t play “Call Me Maybe,” unless it’s an acoustic ukulele/death metal version.
street style: Skin Edition
Volume 47 | Issue 13 • Satire Edition
Masthead by Jackson Creek Press
751 George Street • Suite 104 Peterborough, ON • K9H 7P5 tel: 705-745-3535 firstname.lastname@example.org • www.trentarthur.ca
Co-Editors Business Manager Jasmine June Cabanaw Sara Ostrowska
Production Assistant Megan Quinton
Copy Editor Catherine Phillips
News Reporters Pat Reddick Matt Rappolt Carmen Meyette Jesse McRae Anthony P. Gulston Stephanie Denny
A Co-exposé of Your New Co-editors
Board of Directors Chair • Not yet named Secretary • Anthony P. Gulston
Treasurer • Not yet named
Members at Large • Andy Cragg, Pat Reddick, Tyson Shennett, Megan Quinton, Jesse Louro
Contributors Paul Cleavland • Rob Hailman • Caileigh Morrison Wesley Grist • Gilbert Enenajor Jennifer Lawrence • Sheldon Turcotte Conributors are encouraged to attend the weekly story meeting on Tuesday at 7:30pm in our office in Sadlier House, or to contact the editors if considering submitting to an upcoming issue.
Submission guidelines Articles Articles should be submitted via email to editors@ trentarthur.ca, in the body of the message, or as an *.rtf, *.doc, or *.txt attachment. The body should be approximately 800 words. Listings, announcements, or briefs should not exceed 100 words. Feature pieces can be up to 1500, but must be arranged in advance with the editors.
Images Hard copies (photographs, original artwork, etc.) should be brought into the office (751 George Street, Suite 104) to be scanned. If submitting files electronically, please save as *.tif, with a dpi of no less than 300 pixels.
Letters Limit letters to the editors to 250 words. Letters longer than 250 words may be published but Arthur reserves the right to edit for length and clarity (but not content).
Opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect those of Arthur staff, volunteers or its Board of Directors. Contributors are encouraged to attend the story meetings Tuesday at 7pm or contact the Editors to discuss story ideas. All article submissions are due Monday at noon. Letters, Listings, Classifieds, and Events are due Thursday at 9am and should be sent to listings@trentarthur. ca. Advertisers are encouraged to contact advertising@ trentarthur.ca for ad rates and contracts.
Photos by Tori Silvera By S & J
Sara: Ohmahgawd. You are the Jasmine Cabanaw! I am so excited to interview you! I’m your biggest fan! Jasmine: No way! I’m your biggest fan! I mean, you’re like, the Sara Ostrowska! Sara: Well. This is embarassing. We’re like, so into each other. How should we start this? Jasmine: I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours. Sara: .... Jasmine: Well, that was fun. Sara: Indeed. Jasmine: Yes. Sara: So, Jasmine. I heard you’re into belly dancing. That’s neat. How you do that? Jasmine: Well, it helps if you’re made of... rubber... but if not, years of training. Sara: Why do you do that? Jasmine: Because I love pretty sparkly things! I mean, have you seen our costumes? Sara: I love pretty sparkly things too! *winks * awkwardness ensues* Jasmine: So, I hear you edit n’ stuff. Sara: Yeah, I also love cats. Jasmine: I know. Everyone knows. I see random cats in the newspaper sometimes. Very relevant, Sara. Very newsy. Sara: So, I hear you live places? Like, cool places? Like, hip places? Jasmine: Yeah, I’m a hopper. I like to go from California to Costa Rica to Canada. Repeat. Sara: Yeah, me too. I like to go from Hamilton to Toronto to Peterborough.
Repeat. Jasmine: So, I hear you’re living it up as a student. Whatcha studyin’, girl? Sara: I take so many philosophy and politics courses that I sometimes yearn to be an older white male with a beard. It gets to me... Jasmine: I think you’d look great as an older white male with a beard! Sara: I know, me too... *makes wistful sigh* Jasmine: I’m a history major. Makes me want to be a time traveller. Sara: You’d look good as a time traveller! To when would you travel? Jasmine: The 90s. So I can party like it’s 1999. Sara: Yikes. Wait. S CLUB PARTY?! Jasmine: THERE AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE AN S CLUB PARTY! Sara: I like to dance too, Jasmine. I dance. Jasmine: What kind of dancing do you do? Sara: Oh, you know, like the kind where you’re alone in your apartment in your underwear in front of the mirror with Lady Gaga blasting. Hips shaking. Jasmine: Oh, so like, masturbation, but in dance form? Sara: ... yes. Jasmine: What other music do you like besides Lady Gaga? Sara: To be totally honest, I don’t like any other music besides Lady Gaga. But actually. Jasmine: That’s funny. I seem to have this memory of us dancing at a The Creepshow concert. Maybe it was all a dream... *makes wistful sigh* Sara: No... That was real. Way to out me,
Jasmine. You know, we women aren’t supposed to let people know that we have broad tastes in music and diverse personalities n’ such. Jasmine: Oops. Cat’s outta the bag! Sara: CATS! Jasmine: Rats! Sara: ? Jasmine: I have a pet rat. His name is Toad. * pulls rat out of pocket * Sara: Cats. Always choose cats. Jasmine, why are you my new co-editor? Jasmine: I contemplated stalking you, but this seemed much easier! It’s almost part of the job description. Sara: I don’t mind. I get lonely. Jasmine: Should people expect big things from us this semester? Sara: Well, I don’t know. I don’t want to disappoint anyone. No, people should not expect big things from us this semester. They should expect shitty writing by careless writers, compiled by sloppy editors who just want to get paid. Dolla bills, y’all. Jasmine: But wait, I thought this was Arthur? Sara: ... Jasmine: It’s a good thing students have their own paper that represents the Peterborough community and not the ideas of scary, right-wing cyborgs. Right? Sara: Jasmine, this was supposed to be satire. Jasmine: Oops. Sara: This is what being an editor is all about. Jasmine: No way, Sara. Dolla bills, y’all. Dolla bills.
A Private Letter to Mark Zuckerberg Dear Mark Zuckerberg, I am an avid user of your site, Facebook. Congratulations on creating such a widely popular and valuable product and company. Through your site I have established stronger connections with the people around me. I really value the simple wall posts and few private messages that go between the many friends I rarely see and myself. Along with status updates and photo uploads I’m really able to keep up with the inconsequential details of people’s lives. For example, a friend of mine posts beautifully edited photos of his dinner each night. For particularly complex meals, he even posts quick summaries of how he put it together. Knowing what this person is eating on a daily basis through these brilliant photos really makes me feel connected to him, even though we haven’t lived in the same town for two years. Another example is my relationship with a girl I knew in high school. She posts three or four vague, suggestive statuses a day. Often times, she’ll say something meaningful such as (her most recent) “Dis boy better be bacon’ off. He dunno what dis is all ‘bout.” Things like this help me feel closer to her, especially when we converse in comments and I ask her what’s happening in her life and she tells me “same old shit.” Finally, Facebook connects me to people who either don’t know who I am or who have purposely moved out of my life. I’m able to keep tabs on ex-boyfriends,
for example, and in many cases view the profiles of their new girlfriends, allowing me to confirm that I’m superior and they still miss me. Through these personal examples I hope I’ve demonstrated part of how Facebook enriches my life. Recently though, I’ve noticed the media discussing an incident between your sister, Randi Zuckerberg and some media-type called Callie Schweitzer. Apparently Schweitzer posted a photo on Twitter that Randi posted on Facebook and Randi was appalled that Schweitzer had not asked for her personal opinion first. Many on the internet, and Twitter in particular, made a joke of Randi’s offence. Her opinion was that it is internet etiquette to ask before reposting a photo which is not your own. I wanted to write to you to defend Randi and ask that you view this as a demonstration of an issue that should really be respected on your website: privacy. Everyone knows that the internet is a private place. I’m certain that as the creator of a popular website which invites users to post content under their real name, personalizing their profile, you understand the value of privacy. I’m sure that you realize that the only reason people post to Facebook is for their own sake, and that content posted on Facebook is not for the use or even enjoyment of others. Clearly, Randi posted that photo for her own enjoyment, and not so other people could show it to all their friends and make something public out of it. The concept that somebody could take my content and post it somewhere else,
whether they associate it with me or not, without my knowledge, alarms me greatly. This is unacceptable. I just want to go on Facebook, post things I like and view my friends’ (and their friends’) profiles. My profile is not a window for the world to look in to my life. I am posting this to your profile. I trust that as the post will show “My Name > Your Name,” you will understand that this is a communication between us and not for you or anybody else to run away with and post somewhere else. It’s not supposed to be Twittered or MySpaced or written up in some newspaper. I posted it here and trust you to understand that the act of posting doesn’t make it public. After all, it’s the internet! This isn’t some international,
Photo by Tori Silvera
Gzowski to be Declared the First Underwater College
By Anthony P. Gulston
With a generous grant from the Jacques Cousteau Education Foundation, Enweying will be aqua-fit for its eventual descent into the Otonabee River. With a rate of descent at five inches per year, Enweying, home of Gzowski College and the First Peoples House of Learning, will eventually be completely underwater by 2050. Instead of attempting to rebuild the lower EastBank, Melanie Buddle of
Gzowski College and Emerance Baker of the First Peoples House of Learning applied for the Jacques Cousteau Education Foundation’s ‘Underwater University Opportunities Grant.’ “With its environmental focus and commitments to sustainability as well as commitments to ridiculous building projects,” says President Jean-Michel Cousteau, “Trent is the perfect school to undergo what we are calling an ‘aqua-fit’, a play on the idea of ‘retrofitting’.”
The grant does not provide money to the University to implement these changes, but instead the JCEF provides all of the expertise in redesigning Enweying to be water tight and able to house students, as well as facilitate classroom activities while underwater. The actual building of the new underwater college will be up to local contractors for the most part, but the specialized technology will be done by Jean-Michel Cousteau’s underwater contracting company, Solutions De L’eau, with design consulting done by Trent’s original architect, Ron Thom. “The details are being negotiated right now with the JCEF, but will need to be ratified by the Senate before tangible plans can be made,” says a senior administrator for Trent University. The municipality of Peterborough is also a partner in the project since it will involve expanding the river to fully engulf Enweying in water via the Nassau Mill Dam. Trent University is holding a series of public consultations about the changes to the waterway that are contributing to the Trent Waters Plan, the new vision for what Trent can do underwater. The community, staff and students are invited to comment on the Trent Waters Plan and ask Jean-Michel Cousteau any questions they may have about ‘aqua-fitting.’ The proposal so far would involve pressurizing Enweying to prevent students
from getting mild cases of the Benz when submerging to get into Enweying. According to the grant proposal, “an underwater elevator will be installed for dry land access to Enweying from Otonabee College,” but students who are able to snorkel will be “encouraged to canoe or swim to class or residence from the West Bank.” The proposed underwater entrances and exits to Enweying will actually be decompression chambers to ensure no uncomfortable nitrogen bubbles in students’ blood distract them from the learning process. All access will be from the Otonabee College underwater elevator during the winter months. Opposition to the proposal has come from the Rowing Club, since the expansion of the Nassau Mills Dam will render their boathouse underwater. “We’re a rowing club, not a scuba diving club,” says team captain Sterling Grey. They will be forced to either pay for ‘aqua-fitting,’ or move the boat house. Gzowski Cabinet has also publicly denounced the project, saying “the students of Gzowski College signed up for a dry land Trent experience, not an Octopus’ Garden in the shade.” But Senate was quick to point out that “Enweying is going to sink into the Otonabee one way or another, we may as well treat it as an opportunity to enhance Trent’s global profile.”
Volume 47 | Issue 13 • Satire Edition | January 7, 2013
Trent Students to Vote on Strike Photo by Andrew Tan
By Anthony P. Gulston
A petition circulating around Nassau campus last month gathered the 15% of the student population necessary to have a referendum question on the ballot at the TCSA spring elections. Newly formed OPIRG research group, Student Action Against Tuition, gathered over 20 volunteers to canvass the campus and obtain the necessary signatures on their petition. The specific question that
will appear on the ballot will be: “Are you in favour of striking in order to obtain a decrease in tuition or a tuition freeze?” “Since we chose such an open ended question, it will be up to the TCSA to follow through on a ‘yes’ vote. SAAT is perfectly capable of assisting the TCSA facilitating a student strike, but ultimately, once the students have their say, it’s up to the TCSA to take action,” says SAAT organizer Ginger Baker.
If there is a ‘yes’ vote this spring, Trent will be the first student population in Ontario to strike. U of T student organizer Ashleigh Ingle stated that “the types of actions that have proven themselves to be effective [are] those that exert real pressure.” After the success of the Quebecois student strike, various defederated Ontario student unions, that have voted to defederate from the Canadian Federation of Students, have held strategy talks about how to strike. Trent’s SAAT though, will be the first organization to actually push the issue by bringing it directly to the students. An anonymous source at the TCSA told Arthur: “This will be a real ‘fuck you’ to the CFS [Canadian Federation of Students] and we would be at risk of becoming defederated.” The CFS used to host a popular student day of action against tuition but has elected not to this year. “The CFS is a depraved consolidation of bureaucrats that are scared of what would happen if they organized students around direct action when it comes to lowering tuition,” SAAT organizer Zed Lanterman shouted at a rally held at the Biko podium on the final day of petitioning, Tuesday December 4, 2012. “Through the OPIRG network of other research groups with similar objectives, we [SAAT] know that if Trent strikes, the dominoes will fall and the talks of strat-
egy in other student unions will become talks of implementing strategy,” Baker said in their speech at the rally. They continued, “Potential solidarity strikes will also be held at the grad student level and with many of the faculty unions.” If students choose to strike, the action could potentially bankrupt the university. “A student strike? We can’t afford that kind of revenue loss that enrolment represents. Maybe Concordia or McGill have the revenue to take a hit like that, but we don’t,” a Trent VP told Arthur while he was using the urinal in the Biko Library basement. “We see the administration as allies, they just want money for their school, we just don’t want that money to come from students,” was Baker’s reply. “If PQ has enough to subsidize post-secondary, then surely Ontario does.” Several student groups have openly supported the strike vote, while others have denounced it all together. A Trent Liberty spokesperson said that “if your family cannot afford to send you to school, then you should be free to be indebted to the free market. Freedom, freedom, no coerced social assistance, you’re free to fail–if you’re not privileged that is.” ‘Yes’ or ‘no,’ SAAT is chalking this up as a victory of student lead political discourse surrounding tuition fees.
The Exam Express
By Jennifer Lawrence
When I boarded this bus a moment ago I had been worried about getting home quickly. I silently take back those worries now as the West Bank Express swerves in and out of traffic with the speed and dexterity of J.K. Rowling’s Knight Bus, but with none of the crash-preventing magic. “Does he know he’s driving a bus?” my partner asks. Perhaps I should have paid more attention to the driver when we boarded. The mischievous grin that played across his unshaven jowls, the suspiciously casual air he had while leaning in his captain’s chair were indicators of something sinister. I now imagine a devil cackling with delight at the helm of this ship as it swerves improbably [daringly] between vehicles before clearing them at the last second. The driver speeds on. I turn to see the strained look on my partner’s face—the same mixture of fear and uncertainty I feel in deciding whether or not we should get off this mad man’s bus. Grimacing as we perform a hairpin turn on Parkhill, I openly suggest our driver took the word “express” too serious-
ly. Perhaps he had been waiting his whole career as a master of transit in the sleepy city of Peterborough for a reason to drive faster than 50 kilometres per hour ... to test the potential of a city bus. As my partner and I switch from holding onto each other to gripping onto the bus railings, he optimistically suggests that maybe he just really wants to get us home. As the driver pulls another daring turn and fires down along George Street, we dodge between traffic and parked cars whose owners know little of the danger their vehicles are in. I am fantasizing the driver knows I am concerned about missing the new episode of How I Met Your Mother and does not want me to miss Barney and Robin’s long awaited reunion after a year of soap-opera-like drama. The bus slows almost apologetically as we turn onto Simcoe Street, and pulls in alongside the station. When we disembark I catch a glimpse of the devil’s face, his expression now relaxed and giddy as he comes down from the exhilaration. An unabashed joy rider, I should be angry but am laughing with relief at once again finding solid ground.
In Support of Staying Idle – A Slacker’s Perspective
Photo: Peterborough MP Dean Del Mastro Tries to Explain Logic at Local Idle No More Rally By Paul Cleavland
I’ve sure been seeing a lot about this “Idle No More” movement in my Facebook feed and even in the legitimate news media once or twice so I guess it must be a real issue. Since I’ve recently returned from overseas I thought it would be easier to just go to the local rally to see what was up instead of wasting time reading about it. If I’d found a YouTube video about it I would have watched that instead. I figured if I was lucky I’d also get to hear some inspiring words from our local MP, the erudite and motivational Dean Del Mastro. Not only a member of the governing Conservative party, this man is Parliamentary Secretary to our beloved leader, Stephen Harper. The whole “treaty rights being violated” thing the Idle No More movement brings up is iconically represented by the depressingly negative so-called “Chief ” of the so-called Attawapiskat First “Nation.” This bully is trying to force the PM to do her bidding by coercing him with threats. “Meet with me immediately or I’ll starve myself to death!” she snarls her blackmail. Who does she think she is to demand the most important person in the country meet with her? The PM is an elected leader! Besides, Mr. Harper has important people
to meet with, and important places to be. Sure it appears he was on holidays but who knows? Maybe he’s been making more deals with the Chinese government. It’s not like they announce that sort of thing. Locally, December 19th saw the usual suspects gathered down on Lansdowne and marching to Dean’s office. Spilling off the sidewalk and forcing innocent drivers to slow down and even change lanes they showed utter contempt for the law. I even saw several covering their faces. Sure they were in strollers, but the law is the law. If you stopped to think, it should be abundantly clear that one reason for having your constituency office at the edge of town is to avoid troublemakers showing up. I guess the organizers didn’t think about that. After the forced march we arrived outside the MP’s office. Oops! Seems they were on private property and weren’t allowed to block the driveway. Yet another thing they hadn’t considered! There was some concern that Mr. D wasn’t going to come out but if you knew Dean like I do you wouldn’t worry! His personal assistant was explaining that very thing to the people who, like me, had gone into his office to warm up. When his assistant joked that Dean didn’t like to talk in front of groups of people we all laughed and remembered the election! Of course Dean came out; he
wouldn’t miss an opportunity like this to meet his constituents. But the demonstrators didn’t even give him the courtesy of speaking until after they had vented their spleen. After the usual complaints about the Indian Act they complained about how the new legislation was no good. Then there was a tirade about the government taking action without consulting native groups and how it was “horrible” that The PM was not meeting with Chief Spence.
Dean tried to explain that they were wrong about the legislation and that, as he recalled, natives were always complaining about the Indian Act anyway so they should be happy it was being gutted. As far as treaty violations Dean reminded them that he personally worked very hard
with native Bands and assured them that they had nothing to worry about from the government. The initiatives were about transparency, who would be against that? Some kept demanding that Dean “answer their questions.” How rude! He reminded them that he hadn’t heckled them and offered to leave. Finally fed up with their rudeness, he told everyone the reason the PM was not able to meet with Spence. There is a process and she should really be talking to someone from Indian Affairs. The PM had already had a meeting with Grand Chief Atleo just a few weeks earlier. Pow! Talk about a knockout. If Harper has already met a Grand Chief, who represents her, why meet her? See? Logic! I join Dean in asking all of you, native and especially non-natives, to join me in idleness. These demos and blockades are a real threat to our continued convenience and good feelings about ourselves. We’re Canadians! We don’t like to think the government would violate people’s rights. So if there are bad situations on reserves it must be their own fault. So if you support Dean, the PM and this call for continued idleness, make sure that you just do absolutely nothing (ok you can post on Facebook, but that’s it). We’re counting on your support in this matter!
Volume 47 | Issue 13 • Satire Edition | January 7, 2013
Portal to Hell Opens Beneath Church in Peterborough, Heroes Encouraged to Thwart Evil Presence Within
By Wesley Grist
A portal to another dimension, most likely Hell, is reported to have opened beneath a local place of worship, the exact identity of which, for legal reasons, is currently being withheld from the public until further notice. Local authorities are encouraging any residents—particularly skilled in archery, fencing or sorcery—to plunge into the earth and rid Peterborough of the foul abominations which dwell beneath the fabric of sanity. After reports of ghoulish nightmares and mysterious 3 AM bonfires in the forest hit a record high for Peterborough, local authorities declared an official state of panic, as well as issuing an intensive newsletter campaign to raise awareness of the seductive powers of the nether-realms. Tensions reached a high point when one community search team member was found outside of the church dying in a pool of his own blood, after a failed search for a member of Peterborough’s royal family who had gone missing as the nightmares set in. “Please, listen to me,” he said. “The Archbishop Lazarus, he led us down here to find the lost prince. Led us into a trap! Now everyone is dead ... Killed by a demon he called The Butcher. Avenge us! Find this Butcher and slay him so that our souls may finally rest ...” As of yet there is no word as to the identity of this so-called “Archbishop Lazarus.” “I told you we should have kept the Christ in Christmas,” says one local. “Ave magna ad SATANAM, rector omnium in hoc viridi terra, Asinus cicapitatus adversarius humanitatis, TANTI PRAENUNTIA INTERITUS,” said another, with one more observing
that “this whole thing is pretty metal.” Although many theories have been offered as to the origin of this communal affliction, failures to pay homage to the Old Ones, as well as the sheer hubris of humanity, have been popular speculations. Many others cite video games as the cause. Residents not doing battle with the forces of evil are encouraged to stock up on potentially magical jewellery, remain indoors, and maintain a supply of salt both in their pockets and on their doorsteps. Any possible possessions should be reported immediately. Demon encounters should be handled with extreme caution, as they are considered multi-armed and dangerous. Any information regarding the “Butcher Demon” should posted on the community billboards located in front of Town Hall and throughout the downtown area. Local townsfolk interested in forming an adventuring party are also encouraged to meet in the downtown area, as telephones across town have recently begun converting all speech into a hideous cackling sound. The internet remains unaffected. One community member who has returned from a lengthy vacation has taken up arms against the hope-devouring demons, remarked, “If, and I’m not saying this will be true, but if there’s a chance that the evil beneath the town is stored in some sort of magic crystal, I’m pretty sure I can contain it by jamming it in my forehead.” Both Trent University’s Biology and Demonology departments deem this plan “unwise.” Local drinking establishments have, as a result of the commotion, begun offering health and mana potions at a discounted price.
Canada: The Next Target By Renzo Costa
Wikileaks has recently unveiled a confidential file detailing plans to annex Canada to the United States. Controversy started last week when the site published files divulging details on the forthcoming territorial incorporation, sparking an explosive response on the web. The file includes not only possible military warfare plans but also a set of stages that have already been placed. It specifies that there are covert agents located around Canada monitoring how likely Canadians would be to accept or resist a possible invasion. To date, monitoring has been active for a decade and encompasses a variety of statistics and valuable data. For example, the file identifies different geographical sectors as to having different degrees of resistance. Overall, 65% of Canadians would resist a military intervention. Provincially, Alberta is the province most likely to join the states, while the Maritimes and BC would be the most likely to resist. Canadian officials have declared the invalidity of such files, arguing that the United States have been a long lasting ally, and regard the annexation as a conspiracy theory. The American counterpart has supported Canadian officials and denies the validity of such files. However, many other files are seen to supplement plans for a possible invasion. American expansion plans have strategically ranked territories by their likeliness to be annexed. Canada has been seen as an easy target. The file details natural resources, language, and cultural similarities as the main reasons why the US would like to annex Canada. It also specifies that annexing Canadians to the States would spread their general positive attitude towards life to the rest of American citizens. Another
positive result would be that Americans could enjoy real Canadian hot chocolate and would, for once, be freed of fearing the Canadian hockey team. The main drawback identified is that new words such as “sorry,” “excuse me,” and “please” would have to be added to the American dictionary, which would amount to billions in cost. The existence of undercover agents across Canada may generate some thoughts in terms of Canadian national security. There could be a psychological effect upon people. The feeling of being watched may provoke people to question and act in a more defensive way. Undercover agents may also cause debate around the ethics of the deployment of intelligence. In the transnational era, intelligence may not necessarily be identified with a nation, making it more difficult to recognize and attack possible threats. This could cause problems of accountability since there are actors that do not fall under any structured system. A possible annex would have a less significant impact in economic and military terms than in socio-cultural. Most Canadians would not annex their country to their southern neighbours, and it could be argued that culturally, Canadians attempt to differentiate themselves from Americans as much as possible. However, it is worth noting the alternative case of Alberta. Alberta has traditionally been seen as the most Americanized province in terms of culture and politics. 85% of residents would welcome the change. All the ingredients are available for a possible conflict. Regardless of the validity of the files, they provide some food for thought.
Earthquake Literally Separates Quebec from Canada By Pat Reddick
It took one earthquake only three minutes to do what separatist groups have been trying to pull off for years: Quebec is no longer a part of Canada. The earthquake happened late in December and caused a large break in the land mass that once connected Quebec to Ontario. The break conforms nearly perfectly to the border that once distinguished the two provinces. Water from the St. Lawrence Seaway and Hudson Bay has rushed in to fill the newly deepened Ottawa River and to fill the new river created to the west. Some have dubbed this new waterway Rivière Liberté and see it as a step towards political separatism. Separatist groups have been quick to identify the natural disaster as such. Maxime Hébété of the group “Les Assassins des Fauteuils Rollents” (AFR) called the event “God’s gift to the Quebecois.” “This is what we have been waiting for since the glorious rein of [René] Lévesque,” Hébété tells Arthur. Others have been quick to point out that this natural disaster is exactly that—a disaster. Most Quebeckers live close to the areas where the earthquake struck hardest. Montreal and Quebec City are both positioned along the St. Lawrence River and have been greatly impacted by the event. Though no buildings have fallen, many are damaged. Martin LaFleur tells Arthur that glass lines the streets of Montreal. “We are used to snow in January in Montreal, but today there are banks of glass, not snow. The children cannot play in this.” Flooding has also rocked the region, with the South Shore suburbs being hit
the hardest. Due to the low temperatures of the area many basements that have flooded have also refrozen, leaving many basements entirely encased in ice. Rescue crews estimate that some people will have to go without a basement for as many as three months. “This is a travesty,” Montreal resident Mya Watson tells Arthur. “My Christmas tree is still up in the basement! How tacky
Marijuana Party of Canada called the comments “extremely out of touch.” Even far-right separatists from Alberta have condemned the comments, while still supporting Quebec’s separatist efforts. Chuck Down of the group White Men For A Free Alberta tells Arthur, “while every province has the right to be free from centralizing governments, and Quebeckers ought to celebrate this gift from God,
will it be to take down the Christmas decorations in March or April? Who takes down Christmas decorations after Easter?” But Hébété of the AFR urges Quebeckers to look for some positive in the flooding and freezing. “We have already applied to have an all-Quebecois hockey team compete nationally at the 2014 Olympics. The ice will give every person the chance to train every day to bolster the quality of the teams.” Federal parties have quickly condemned these comments. Anne Pufferton of the
the comments of AFR leaders expose the problems that leftist thinking lead to. “This guy is thinking about socialist sports and is totally ignoring the economic opportunities that this earthquake has handed him.” Truthfully, the earthquake has lead to an economic boost for some sectors. The disaster recovery sector, which has been struggling in recent years thanks to a period relatively free from disaster, has boomed in the recent weeks. Workers from companies all over Canada have been
deployed to help clean up. Owner of Monroe Recovery, Angela Monroe, tells Arthur “this is the best year for [my business] since we began in 1996.” Monroe has sent workers to remove debris from Montreal and Quebec City, and plans to dispatch some to the multitude of rural locations that have been affected by the quake. The AFR and other separatist groups have resisted the help of what they call “foreign recovery capitalists” and have resorted to terrorism to limit their involvement. There have been reports that some groups have set up large mirrors on highways that recovery crews are travelling to make it seem as though a vehicle is driving towards them, leading these crews to veer off the highway and into ditches. Hébété denies any involvement in these acts, though he encourages Quebeckers to stick with recovery companies from Quebec. However, Quebeckers have found that the services are simply not there from Quebec agencies and many have expressed resentment towards Hébété’s above statement and to his ends of separatism as a whole. While Quebec remains divided over the issue of separatism, it is still literally divided from itself via the St. Lawrence River. Only the main land mass of the province has split from Canada, while the regions to the east of the river remain connected to Ontario and the United States. In a phone interview Hébété denied to comment further than yelling, “we will free them. They will be freed.” The AFR have not commented on how this freeing will take place or what it will look like.
Volume 47 | Issue 13 • Satire Edition | January 7, 2013
New Study: Cat Parasite Harmful to Humans By Sheldon Turcotte
Cat people beware—your furry friend may not be as innocent as you think. A study conducted by the Journal for Neuropsychology is leading experts to believe that a newly -discovered parasite found in felines could be detrimental to human health. Feline Toxoplasmosis, as it’s being called, has the ability to transfer to humans, enter the bloodstream, and cross the brain’s strong blood-brain barrier. Once inside, the parasite moves to the pre-frontal cortex, the area of the brain used for reasoning and logical thinking. Common symptoms include headaches, chronic posting of cat pictures, dizziness, tendency to spend hours watching cute cat videos on YouTube, and suicidal thoughts. “These kinds of symptoms are common in the mental health field but their origins don’t typically come from a parasite,” says Dr. James Houston of Guelph University’s Neurobiology Division. “The hardest part is prevention. Most viruses can’t affect the brain because of its protective barrier, however with the parasite able to gain access to the brain, it has the ability to affect one’s cognitive processes.” Ex-
perts in other fields are seeing this as an even more sinister problem and are linking it to events as far back as 2656 BC. “We believe this parasite has been dormant for some time. The occurrences of reported cases have only been appearing in the last two years and nothing has been seen to show similar symptoms. This may sound outlandish at first, but we believe that the reason humans in Ancient Egypt worshiped cats was because of this rare parasite.” says Dr. Flint Waldon. Over the past decade, the majority of Waldon’s work has focused on the sociocultural relationship between felines and humans. “The emergence of this parasite is exciting scientifically, but poses serious problems for public health. With over 120 million domestic cat owners in North America alone, we could be seeing widespread cases of cat-obsessed mania.” Experts are hopeful at this time, stating that the mere 52 confirmed cases of Feline Toxoplasmosis in the United States over the past two years are not a cause for concern. However, the possibility of a future outbreak will undeniably lead many cat lovers to uneasy thoughts.
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Photo by Tori Silvera
“Oil Sands, Not Tar Sands. Hello.” By Laura Coles
Prime Minister Stephen Harper has appointed a one-year-old African Grey Parrot named Bobby as his new Chief Environmental Science Advisor. Party insiders believe that Bobby will help the PM’s reputation when it comes to environmental science, as Harper has come under considerable fire over the past few years for muzzling government scientists. It is also hoped that Bobby’s presence in the media will quell the talk of Harper’s “war on science.” Insiders believe that Harper’s plan will finally secure him a win in the Conservative Party Hallowe’en costume contest, as his pirate will now have a real parrot. The PM believes that Bobby will be an affordable way to pick up the slack after many scientists in several government agencies were terminated as part of the 2012 Federal Budget. Unlike most government scientists, Bobby has full media access and will readily take questions from the media. Bobby also only works for crackers, fruit, and seeds, a considerable cost saving that will effectively bring the country’s environmental science budget within the 75 dollar target. At their first joint press conference in Ottawa this weekend, Prime Minister Harper and Bobby fielded questions about the appointment. Harper was asked where he recruited Bobby and the PM replied that he had “watched several of Bobby’s YouTube videos” and that “Bobby’s brilliance was apparent” to him. “Plus,” he added, “he’s named after Bobby Orr, one of our greatest Canadians.” When asked about his scientific credentials, Bobby made several whistling sounds and then answered, “Crackers crackers. Kiss kiss.” Bobby will be advising the PMO on several high-profile environmental projects, including the oil sands, pipelines, species-atrisk, and mining. Many of the federal scien-
tists working on these projects or performing related environmental assessments have been laid-off or given specific instructions not to share their findings with the public. It is unclear where Bobby will be getting his information from, but it is assumed that he will be doing his own research in order to advise the PMO. Bobby’s first real test will be to attend an upcoming closed door meeting regarding pollution down river from the Alberta oil sands. When asked about his position on the oil sands, Bobby replied, “Oil sands, not tar sands. Hello.” One reporter asked Bobby how he was going to prepare for the upcoming meeting, but Harper fielded the question, answering that Bobby was going to meet with the oil company’s managers beforehand to “gain the knowledge he needs” to better understand the concerns surrounding the oil sands, to which Bobby parroted, “Knowledge he needs.” “With Bobby’s help, we will usher in a new era for Canadians,” Harper explained, stating, “We will all benefit from this new inexpensive, friendly, convenient science.” Following the press conference, NDP Environment Critic Megan Leslie was quick to point out that although Bobby may be inexpensive, friendly, and convenient, he is also personally responsible for paper waste, something unbecoming of an environmental science advisor. A new layer of newspaper is laid on the floor of Bobby’s office every day, to catch the droppings—paper that is later discarded with the trash and not recycled. “If he’s going to be cleaning up our country, I hope he’s able to efficiently clean up his own messes.” The fate of much of Canada’s environment now rests on the claws of one bird—a job he himself seems confident to take on, as he is (in his own words), a “pretty boy.”
Food Dude Reviews... A Restaurant
Photo by Pat Reddick
By Jesse McRae
The New Year is often seen as a time for the voluntary bringing about of change in one’s life, usually to an end of betterment. This review and the experience behind it are perfectly in line with this tradition, and it is because of this that despite the somewhat atypical nature of both, I have chosen to begin my submission for Arthur in 2013 with my review of the first food I consumed this calendar year. New Year’s Eve is a time for celebration, and the celebration of such a grand event often entails the consumption of hearty spirits. As a person of legal drinking age, I partook in such activities, possibly to an ever-so-slightly excessive degree. As a result, I cannot remember the name or exact location of the restaurant where my desperate search for nourishment came to an end. The spot was on Lansdowne, somewhere between Monaghan and Brealey... probably. The fact that I’d departed from a house I had never previously visited and arrived less than sober doesn’t help. I recall being drawn by the most inviting of neon signs, “OPEN,” and the windows
revealing that the lights were actually on and people were inside. I gracefully stumbled into what I assumed had to be an eatery (because what else would be open at such a time?), and surveyed the interior. A bar leading to a kitchen. Decades-old interior design. The musk of some kind of odour absorbed into the walls. Tables and chairs in the centre, and booths lining the far wall. I desired as much privacy as a public place can provide and plopped down at the corner booth. Menus were tucked behind unfamiliar condiment containers, and just as I had pulled one out a large, gruff man in a wife beater slapped a plastic cup of water on the table, spilling more than a few drops. He asked what I wanted in a thick accent that I could not identify and I told him I needed a minute to decide. He walked away muttering something under his breath, and I slammed back the water and buried my face in the menu. I wondered how much ethanol was coursing through my veins as I scanned the pages, because not only did the menu appear to not be written in English, there seemed to be a multitude of scripts.
Chinese characters. The Cyrillic alphabet. Right-to-left Arabic. The vexing stacks of accents on a single letter of Vietnamese. And prices in just as many different currencies. Some single items were not even region-specific, employing various languages in their description. Finally I discovered something written in English; “Burger Donut Pizza.” My mind was barely capable of processing what I had just read, but after trying in vain to find anything else written in a language I could decipher, I made my decision. I was fortunate to have spent probably ten minutes reading, as my server had yet to return. After what felt like an eternity, he yelled out to me from the bar, “Eat?” I responded with the dish name that made about as much sense as I was capable of making, and he disappeared just as quickly as he had materialized. I spent another eternity staving off encroaching slumber (unaided by any more water) before the big guy came back holding a plate too high for me to see its contents until he dropped it onto the table in front of me. An unholy union laid before me; the illegitimate child of one of those mega-sized heart attack burgers
Editor’s note: We loved this review so much that we felt the need to contact the owner of the restaurant for the recipe of their Burger Doughnut Pizza.
Photo by Jasmine Cabanaw
from American food shows and a Dairy Queen dessert pizza. The “pizza” element was solely in the presentation. A dough crust and jelly sauce base had been topped with ground beef, tomato chunks, lettuce leaves, onion rings, and pickles, all of which had been covered in a generous layer of icing sugar. A gruff “enjoy” was served alongside the concoction before the speaker yet again took off, leaving a dumbstruck me staring at the main course. My head was reeling. I had not eaten in hours. Every bodily signal was telling me to devour what was before me. My mind was conflicted. “Eat it.” Was it food? “Just eat it.” I had already ordered it and it had been served… “You will be glad to have eaten this later.” I guess I didn’t have much of a choice. I pulled a slice of this outlandish creation away from the rest and stuffed half of it into my face. And… It’s pretty much what you would guess all of those things smashed together would taste like. This should never have been invented, but that didn’t matter because it was edible and it was in my hand. I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. 2. Mash the doughnuts. 3. Add 1 cup of water to doughnuts. Mix How to make a Burger Doughnut well. Pizza 4. Roll dough out into a circle to form the crust. Ingredients: 5. Cover crust in jelly. 6. Sprinkle ground beef, lettuce, and 1 cup water tomato on top. 12 plain doughnuts 7. Add layer of onion rings and pickles. 1 lb cooked ground beef 8. Sprinkle icing sugar to coat. 1 cup tomato chunks 9. Bake in oven for 5-25 minutes. 1 cup chopped lettuce 10. Get drunk and eat. 5 onion rings 6 pickles Take a picture of yourself eating your own 1 jar of jelly Burger Doughnut Pizza and send it to us! 1/2 cup icing sugar Winner will receive a grand prize of $5. Email to email@example.com.
Volume 47 | Issue 13 • Satire Edition | January 7, 2013
Coming Out of the Closet: A Story By Flavius S. Mercurius
I am a heterosexual, cis-gendered male, and I am the minority of the modern, liberalized 21st century North America. Having grown up in the province’s capitol, I remember being exposed to the litany of public informational as a young boy. You know, the ones which dutifully declared that anyone you knew from your brother to your baker to your boss to your best friend could be gay. It was a fixture of the background of life, never directly addressed but ever-present. I was so aware of the reality that I began to await the day that I too could count myself among the ranks of the non-straight. I waited. And I waited. Close friends began to experiment with their orientation, or came out of the closet outright. I responded to their courage with love and support, but secretly I wondered, “Why not me?” High school came and went, and still nothing. I took a year for myself in the hopes that the time would give me an opportunity to reflect on my life and figure out the best course of action for bringing out my inner gay man, which I was convinced was lying dormant until the proper catalyst was introduced. Then I found Trent University. Having heard rumours that it was “the gayest
school in Canada”, I burned with a newfound resolve – the conviction that this was the time and place where I would finally grow to be more than a straight young white guy. Finally I would go beyond the existence of a one-dimensional character in a pre-1960’s middle class novel about the racial majority. Introductory Seminar Week: my body is ready. This is it. This is when everyone lets loose. I can’t let this opportunity slip away… but everything went wrong. Women threw themselves at me, sometimes more than one a night. Sometimes more than one at a time. And it didn’t feel weird at all. I even found myself in a serious longterm relationship with one after a while, and while this is no longer the case, its end was not due to any homoerotic impulses whatsoever. Never was there even a blip of bi-curiosity. It’s taken years, but I am finally coming to terms with my identity as a straight man. The optimistic part of me keeps me vigilantly open to any potential character development opportunities, but for now I have learned to be comfortable with what seems to be more and more like the new sexual orientation minority.
life The Wrong Type of Resolution By Gilbert Enenajor
I feel the need to talk about a growing problem in our society. It is a harmful trend that is going unnoticed because of the way society forces it down our throats and acts like it is ‘not a big deal.’ It affects young and old people alike, men and women. It is called ‘being healthy.’ Whether it’s going for an early morning jog, being conscious of the food you eat, or cutting down on alcohol and cigarettes, being healthy is a pernicious trend that has untold consequences for those who fall victim to its allure. This problem is especially harmful at this time of year due to pressure by the media to adopt new year’s resolutions. Our society tells us that we are not good enough as nacho-eating, potsmoking, League of Legendsplaying university students. Oh no, society tells us we should be healthy. Most people who understand that this ‘healthy’ behaviour is wrong for them, stop going to the gym and return to a life of watching television all day and eating greasy, fattening food within two weeks of the new
year. But some enter into the vicious cycle of eating healthy, regular exercise, and long, restful sleep. These people can no longer enjoy the artery-clogging goodness of a Krispy Kreme doughnut or Cinnabon, or even the smooth taste of a Virginia Slim as it coats your lungs with the ash of over 4,000 different chemicals. Further still, these people can’t even be bothered to go out on the weekend and get completely hammered, simply because they care too much about the negative effects of alcohol on the body. The worst of these are known as the ‘health nuts.’ You see these people in the gym everyday trying to make their bodies as shredded as possible, exercising their will in a tribute to the god Zyzz (if you do see them at the gym, then you go to the gym, which means you are probably affected too and don’t know it). For these people there is no hope; they are condemned to chiseled bodies, high energy levels, and a zest for life until the day they die. Being healthy often has other unexpected side effects. Healthy behaviour can seep into other aspects of life and
cause the symptoms of hard work and determination. Rather than leaving essays to the last minute, a health nut will feel the drive to finish them well in advance and make them the best they can be. This is an obvious case of transference where the desire to do the best one can at the gym is so strong it affects every other part of their life. Soon, they find that they cannot function unless they have had a solid workout. Despite all this, the government and our community leaders do little to prevent the parasitic behaviour from happening. Rather than telling people that they are good enough just as they are, we are constantly bombarded with information about how we can improve ourselves. It is a sick, disgusting cycle that is going to continue unless we stop it. If we don’t, one day we will wake up in a world filled with sexy, healthy, intelligent, driven individuals with the will, desire, and ability to accomplish whatever they want in life. So this year, rather than trying to be a better person by being healthy, I say make a resolution to do whatever the fuck you want.
Arthur’s 20 Predictions for 2013 By Anthony P. Gulston With Files and Comic Sans font brought to you by S & J
1. Binders full of women will begin to empty out as more women abandon their careers in order to fulfill their positions as full-time housewives. 2. Emperor Harper declares a Canadian monarchy. 3. The Peterborough Zoo will buy a giraffe. 4. The price of cheese will rise. 5. Little Lake will need to be drained to find Mayor Bennett’s wedding ring. 6. The Pete’s will win the Memorial Cup. 7. Washboard Hank will run for mayor and win. 8. Lake Ontario will run out of fish. 9. Whales and primates will become legal persons. 10. Trent University will host world’s first Quidditch game. 11. Google will buy the entire internet. 12. Bonnie Patterson will be declared Trent’s new Chancellor. 13. The Ontario Liberals will declare everything an essential service; all union activity will be illegal. 14. Trent Liberty will ask students for a levy. 15. GMO will become the new organic. 16. Justin Bieber will be knighted for his historical contribution to music. 17. The tar sands will run out of oil and dinosaur bones. 18. Tom Johnson will play a good-bye concert at Dionysus. 19. The TCSA will buy the Ceilie and will turn it into a Dunkin’ Donuts franchise. 20. Snow to continue to fall until spring arrives. Flowers to bloom. Rain to fall. Followed by warm weather in the summer. Winds and a slight decrease in temperature in the fall. Followed by snow as winter approaches once again.
Volume 47 | Issue 13 • Satire Edition | January 7, 2013
“He’s Too Human for Me” By Jennifer Boon
As we say our final goodbyes to the dazzling vampires associated with the worldwide hit known as the Twilight franchise, social psychologists are beginning to notice an interesting new trend occurring among young heterosexual men. Researchers at the Institute of Societal Relations in Toronto have reported that for the first time since Stephanie Meyer’s gripping teen romance novel hit the bookshelves, human males are once again finding it easier to attract female partners. “The dating scene was really crappy for a while,” Bradley Knottz, a second year Trent University student, explained. “I mean, Edward Cullen had it all. He was handsome, dangerous, charming, and rich. Girls weren’t interested in dating average guys. They wanted more.” In an experiment conducted by British analyst David McCloskey, it has been statistically proven that 3 in 5 women prefer reading about a bloodsucking, glittery, stalker-esque vampire in contrast to the life of an ordinary human male counterpart. This phenomenon, McCloskey states, was responsible for setting in motion a five year dating drought for young men seeking to find female partners. The problem, he illustrated, was that young girls and women became spellbound and inspired by a fantasy where the female protagonist (Bella Swan)
was depicted as being wholly infatuated with Edward Cullen, who in his literary description was superior to human beings, almost godlike. Edward Cullen’s physical perfection was of particular interest to researchers. As one
social psychologist noted, “The character of Edward is one we have seen a thousand times. He is the forbidden, the secret and the dangerous embodied. But much more than that, Edward is without flaw. His body is muscular, smooth, and he is well dressed,
Photo by Tori Silvera
without being overtly masculine. He drives a fancy car, lives in a big house. His sexual allure is further amplified within the film adaptations. Many women in contemporary Western society re-evaluated their standards, raising the bar in their expectations of what a suitable male partner should exemplify, in terms of being an ideal provider.” As a result, during the five year Twilight reign, the number of single men in Canada rose by approximately 24%. Many men complained that they had a hard time attracting girls, claiming that women were being too critical, and unrealistic. “Real guys aren’t perfect!” Knottz exclaimed. “Our socks stink after hitting the gym, we tend to eat too much meat, and occasionally we forget to call. But we are only human. Real men don’t sparkle. They don’t crawl in through your window at night, and nope, we can’t read your mind. I hope with the end of the Twilight series, girls will stop being obsessed with a fake vampire and give decent human dudes a chance again.” Zoey Finnigan disagreed, claiming that, “Real guys were just mad and jealous of Edward. They were irritated because suddenly, women expected to be treated better, like how Bella was loved.” Researchers have yet to predict how the return of a more human-focused dating trend will affect the newest generation of True Blood and Vampire Diaries fans.
I Got Stood Up By Three Days Grace
Photo by Tori Silvera
By Jasmine Cabanaw
If you’ve ever been on a first date, you know the feeling. You agreed on a time and place, you spent an hour getting ready, you preemptively added them on Facebook just to see what they’re into, and you’re pretty excited. But there’s a thought in the back of your mind, what if they don’t show up? That’s how I was feeling when I got to the Arthur office, ten minutes early for my phone date with Brad Walst, the bassist from Three Days Grace. The band was coming to Peterborough to play three charity shows at The Venue on December 11, 12, and 13, and we wanted to spread the word about a good cause. In keeping with typical dating dynamics, Brad hadn’t given me his phone number, so I was waiting on him to call me. The time for the interview came and went, and after fifteen minutes of waiting I started to get worried. What if he didn’t show? Was I being stood up? I quickly told myself I was being paranoid. He’s probably just playing hard to get. Sheesh. Get over yourself. After thirty minutes, I wondered, do I call his manager? Does that make me seem desperate? Too eager? I put on my professional face and emailed. The minutes ticked on. Insecurity started to set in. I mean, we had made plans! Had he just been stringing me along? I knew the Arthur wasn’t some big name paper, but it was a paper from his hometown! Did he think we weren’t good enough for him or something? Or had I done something wrong? Maybe it was all a big joke, letting
me think that a big band like Three Days Grace would have a phone date with a small paper like Arthur. Maybe he just didn’t like how I looked. Did I need to change my hair? The colour of my eyes? My deodorant brand? After over an hour, I finally heard back from the person who handles the band’s press relations. No, it wasn’t my personality or the colour of my hair or anything like that. Brad had simply
forgot. Sigh. Three Days Grace? More like Three Days Late. I briefly debated rescheduling, but then I thought, why settle for a band that obviously didn’t care about me? There were plenty of fish in the sea. I resolved to find something better. While I was waiting for “Mr. Right Band” to come along, I thought I’d have a little fun. Since Brad didn’t show up to answer my questions, I thought I’d just have to answer them for him. I wrote
out a mock interview and it was hilarious. And kind of mean. I ditched the mock interview. I didn’t want to turn into some crazy vindictive bitch. Or worse, become a stalker. To be fair, Three Days Grace later offered to reschedule. But I’m a student! Final essays were due! I had no time! Not even for a make-up date with Three Days Grace. Instead, I’ll have to settle for dreaming about what might have been.
Outrageous Satirical Headline! By Carmen Meyette
Photo by Jasmine Cabanaw
As of Boxing Day across much of Ontario, the weather has taken a turn for the typical. In much the same fashion as most years, snow has gently floated down from the heavens to blanket the ground in a sparkling layer of fluffiness. In years gone by, the snow has surprised us with its varying arrival time. Snow used to regularly arrive earlier in the season. Towards the end of November or beginning of December, children looked foreword to such classic activities as bruising their tailbone on slippery ice hidden beneath thin layers of snow, bruising every other part of their body when tossed off “flying saucer” sleds on steep hills and determining whether or not they still had feeling in their face when it was whacked with a snow ball. Lately however, if these activities are to ever reach full swing, it’s not until late December or early January. Nobody has definitively explained why winter weather is arriving later and later each year. The popular theory among scientists is known as global warming, but that’s just a conspiracy theory. However, now that snow is here, some gentle reminders for our community are in order. “Skating on thin ice” is, until spring, effectively an actuality and not just a figure of speech. As such, perhaps it should be clarified that it’s
more dangerous to skate on thin ice in a legitimate way than in a figurative one. If you are looking for a top hat this season you may find them in short supply as small children try to make snowmen named Frosty come to life with the fashionable headwear. As such, magicians should also keep close watch on their hat stashes. Discrimination against the red-nosed is never acceptable, but even having gotten past Christmas, a life lesson will inevitably arise from such foolery, and can be avoided with tolerance and manners to begin with. It is now appropriate to change everything in your life over to “winter version.” It is time to put on your winter boots, winter hats, winter mitts, scarves and jackets. Time to have winter tires installed on the car, drink winter tea and ice wines, wear winter colours, and prioritize your errands according to winter temperatures (for example, how cold can it get outside or how much snow can be on the ground before you decide groceries aren’t worth it?). According to The Peterborough Examiner, “…more snow is on the way to Peterborough and the Kawarthas…” This has been your out-the-window weather update, which you could have achieved yourselves. Stay tuned for next week when we stick our hands outside to see if it’s still cold.
Volume 47 | Issue 13 • Satire Edition | January 7, 2013
Trent Becomes First University to Build Quidditch Stadium By S & J
Due to persistent demands from Harry Potter fans, Trent hired a team of the best witches and wizards to complete the construction of the world’s first Quidditch stadium over the holidays. This move officially puts Trent on the map as the only university to address the needs of this minority group. The stadium is situated in the forest surrounding the Symons campus, a few tree trunks away from Narnia. There are concerns from patrons of Narnia that their
secret pot-smoking location has become exposed and there have been reports of cannabis smoke wafting into the stadium. However, fans say they don’t mind the trip outs from the contact high. The East and West banks have already formed Quidditch teams, combining the names of the colleges so that the team names are Gzowskobee and Champon, respectively. There are rumours that the Traill college will soon be forming a team of their own with the risen-fromthe-dead Peter Robinson college. They are debating whether to name their team
Traill Robinson or Petaill. While Trent students have been mostly excited about the upcoming Quidditch games, parents of students have their concerns. “I don’t want my child participating in that pagan bullshit,” said one parent. “I’d much rather them get sloshed at the Head of Trent than fall prey to a contact high at a Quidditch game.” There has also been a problem with malfunctioning broomsticks. Several players are recovering from concussions they received from their broomsticks suddenly veering off and slamming into
brick walls. As well, a window in Bata Library is in need of repair due to a wayward bludger. There are also rumours floating around campus about a runaway snitch, of which even the best seeker has yet to find. There have been reports of students transferring to Trent, and people across the nation are flocking to Trent to witness the Quidditch action. An anonymous source from Trent administration has told Arthur that there will be a scholarship offered to students in the 2013/2014 academic year based on their Quidditch-playing abilities.
Fellow Workers: Unite! By Rob Hailman
Fellow workers, these are hard times indeed. Despite the pretty-sounding figures coming out of the Prime Minister’s Office, fewer and fewer of us are able to find work, and those of us who are find ourselves forced to put up with wages, hours, or conditions that seem intentionally designed to prevent a working person from earning a decent living or a meaningful existence. Indeed, the time is right for us working people to take our power into our own hands and make a decisive organized push towards improving our conditions once and for all. We can do this by using the two most powerful weapons we have at our ready: complaining loudly to no one in particular, and asking our bosses very nicely. Fellow workers, I understand how it can be challenging to see how you have any power to effect change yourselves, but let me assure you that this is the case. Why,
just last month I found myself faced with the difficult choice of either making my rent payments or heating my apartment. I was carefully reviewing eviction laws and taking inventory of my sweaters and long underwear when it struck me: my boss has tons of money. Yes, that esteemed member of the international capitalist class who owns the means of my production. Early one morning, I meekly shuffled into the boss’s office. “Boss,” I started, “I don’t mean to disturb you; if you’re busy securing the rights to bulldoze hundreds of thousands of acres of rainforest I’ll come back in a couple of years.” Luckily, he showed no signs of calling security. “See, boss, it’s like this,” I continued. “I’m so very grateful for the meagre wage you pay me that almost lets me keep a roof over my head.” You see, by showing the appropriate deference to my social and economic superior, I guaranteed the result I wanted. “I’d be much obliged if you could find it in your heart to consider one day giving me a modest raise in pay.”
6 1 9 8
8 4 2 3
Puzzle by websudoku.com
difficulty: easy 14
“A raise?” the boss bellowed. “You want a raise?” He pulled a handful of pocket change - 87 cents, to be precise - from his pocket, and threw them on the floor in front of me. “There’s your raise, you worthless prole!” With the fruit of my bargaining power, a few loonies I found on the street, and the deposit on a few tallboys of Yankee Jim lager I found in my neighbour’s recycling bin, I was able to scrounge up the change to buy a bottle of Olde English malt liquor. Buzzed from the 40 ounces of liquid courage, I walked into the bank and was able to secure an increase in the limit on my credit card. With a cash advance, I paid my landlord, leaving me the cash to pay the gas company. Now, instead of having overdue rent and a gas bill I can’t pay, I have a credit card maxed out (again) with cash advances at a modest 27% interest rate. Fellow workers, this would not have been possible had I not ingratiated myself to the boss, asked nicely, and accepted his
table scraps with dignity. There are those in this world who will try to tell us, the working class, that the way to improve our conditions is to organize. These class enemies tell us that we will never have our share of this Earth, so long as we accept only what the bosses are willing to give us. This is nothing but lies! If you encounter such a person, smile politely, and then complain about them as soon as they are out of earshot. As Karl Marx wrote, “He who does not complain, neither shall he get a new TV.” Fellow workers, our time is now. Take your power into your own hands. Go to work every morning with a smile on your face. Tell your boss how much you love getting your hours cut, and how grateful you are for the recent cuts to your medical plan. Ask very nicely for a raise in pay, and bow demurely when you are told there’s nothing in the budget for that. Fellow workers, you have nothing to lose but your dignity.
Since when did newsworthy style not include a nip-slip or two?
Devon McDonald Is it just me or is clothing so 2012? Showing off her birthday suit, Devon McDonald ditches the winter wardrobe and gets back to basics. Right now, nothing’s as trendy as the skin you’re in. Take that, Dolce & Gabbana.
Dan Legault If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen! Trent’s own naked chef Dan Legault serves up winning style and gives us every reason to get our hands dirty.
Photos by Tori Silvera and Commentary by Catherine Phillips.
Rob Pazdzior This week skin is in, and Rob Pazdzior must have heard the news. This is a grade A skin suit. Barebacked and buff, Rob couldn’t be more in style.
Lana Missen January may be cold, but Lana Missen sacrifices nothing for style. Find yourself with nothing to wear? Put your finger on the fashion trigger and strip down to the bare essentials.
Check out more street style at streetstyle.trentarthur.ca Volume 47 | Issue 13 • Satire Edition | January 7, 2013
Listings (these are real) Transition Reskilling Institute presents: Wholeness of Health - the Seven Keys with Katherine Vanderzwet. Tues, Jan. 8th 6:30 - 8:30 pm at Sadleir House, 751 George St. N. Indulge a lot this past holiday season? This is the perfect time of year to resolve to give yourself the gift of good health. $5 or pay what you can. Pre-registration requested. Contact Joan 705-743-8032 or joanttp@ cogeco.ca Media Launch and Artists Draw For The Third Annual Runway Challenge. Wed, Jan 9, Noon at the Market Hall. The Runway Challenge 2013 invites six local artist/designers to work with materials from six retailers. The catch: the retailers have nothing to do with fashion or fabric. Join us on Jan. 9 to launch this popular event with the 6 Runway Challenge artists present and conduct a random draw to match the 6 Runway Challenge artists with 6 business partners. Sacred Circle Dance. Friday, Jan 11 & 25, 7 - 9 PM, snacks provided. St John’s Anglican Church, Guild Hall, 99 Brock Street, Peterborough. Come experience a new way of connecting to community, self and spirit – and fun! A practice developed at Findhorn, an eco-spiritual centre in northern Scotland. ALL WELCOME! Dances range from lively to meditative; no experience, no partners needed. Cost: $5 donation. Newcomers free. For more information, email Barbara at firstname.lastname@example.org. Trent Film Society Presents A Free Public Screening of John Hillcoat’s The Road, U.S.A., 2009, 111 min., starring Viggo Mortensen. Tuesday, January 15th @ 8pm, Artspace, 378 Aylmer St. N. (between Hunter St. and Simcoe St.). We survived 2012! To celebrate TFS is presenting one of the finest post-apocalyptic films of recent years. KWIC Annual General Meeting Friday, January 18, 2013 at 6:30pm. Bagnani Lecture Hall, at Catherine Parr Traill College (310 London Street). Featuring special guest, Bob Lovelace, speaking on The Architecture of a Decolonized Society: Reindigenizing the Self, Community and Environment. Doors open at 6pm for refreshments and mingling. This is a free event. We hope you will join us! 13th Annual Literacy Conference hosted by Frontier College at Trent University on Saturday, January 19 at 12pm in the lower level of Gzowski College. Features keynote speaker, local author, Dan Haley as well as other exciting speakers discussing pertinent topics such as environmental literacy, dialogic reading, mathematical literacy and exceptionalities. Professional development
certificates are given to all who want one and lunch is provided! Email Frontier College at FC@TRENTU.CA today to find out more or to pre-register! See you there! KWIC World Issues Cafe. Saturday, January 26, 2013. KWIC World Issues Cafe presents Climate, Ice and Polar Bears, a multimedia presentation with Dr. Martyn Obbard, in conjunction with the Reframe Saturday Night Feature Film, Chasing Ice. Free with a ReFrame International Film Festival pass. Introduction to Buddhism: Join us for a drop-in peer Study Group of dharma teachings based on talks given by Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche and carefully compiled under his direction. Open to everyone, free of charge. Study sourcebooks are $15. Hobbs Memorial Library, 7-8:30 at Sadleir House. The dates for the next sessions this year are January 31; February 7,14, 21; and March 7, 14, 21. For more info, call Charlotte at 705-7550063. Belly Dance Classes! Every Wednesday through January until mid-May. 8:15-9:15pm at Imagine Dance Studios. Contact the studio at (705) 761-1427 for more information. Great way to get in shape and have fun!
Sadleir House Library open Mondays 4-8pm, Wednesdays 6-9pm, Thursdays 1-4pm, Fridays 1-5pm, in Room 107 of Sadleir House. The Sadleir House Library is a general academic library located in Room 107. While general in scope, the Sadleir House Library focuses on collecting works in the following areas: Higher Education philosophy, history, and criticism (with particular focus on the residential college model), community building & engagement, and Victorian & Modern architecture. Browse our catalog online at: http://library.sadleirhouse.ca A.A. Meeting on Campus Do you think you might have a drinking problem and want to learn more? There is an A.A. meeting held every Wednesday night on the East bank of Campus at 8p.m. in Seminar Room OC 124. OPIRG’s Emergency Food Cupboard in the basement of Sadleir House Wednesdays 3-5pm, Friday 1-5pm. Do you need food? This Kawartha Foodshare cupboard is available for students and community members. For more information please contact OPIRG 705-741-1208 or opirg@ trentu.ca OPIRG’s Free Market in the basement of Sadleir House Wednesdays 3-5pm, Thursdays 1-5pm, Friday
1-5pm. Clothing, books, and small household goods. Always FREE! For more information please contact OPIRG 705-741-1208 or email@example.com.
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personals Young handsome writer in search of female muse and companion. Must love playing Mario Party long into the night. Must love pizza. Must have read Infinite Jest. I will make you swoon with my deep, gravelly voice, and my huge brain. I am artistic and a hopeless, romantic fool. Are you the pizza babe of my dreams? Please contact Pat through firstname.lastname@example.org.