Horoscopes

Vanessa Tang Dunlevie’d a new telescope

Virgo

Treat yourself this Valentines Day! Oh, you do that every day? Fair enough.

Leo

Check in with your friends. Yes, horoscopes can be wholesome too!

Cancer

You don’t usually believe in horoscopes but horoscopes believe in you more than you believe in yourself. If this won’t change your mind nothing will.

Gemini

Have a shower.

Taurus

It is the year of the Ox, this is fruitful for the Taurus.

Aries

Riddle hour: what can be touched but can't be seen?

Pisces

Mercury is in retrograde! Jupiter is rising! Run!

Aquarius

You are only compatible with Leos. Barack Obama hasn’t been president for a while, he’d probably have time for you.

Capricorn

You are only compatible with Scorpios. Cut out all other signs to live your optimum life. Bill Gates and Kris Jenner are scorpios, so you better get networking!

Sagittarius

The stars have nothing to say to you, you must have upset them?

Scorpio

Invest in bitcoin.

Libra

Download Tiktok. You have an android; the Chinese Government won’t even be able to make out the images on your camera roll.