May Ball Substitutes

Now that our editorial team is three-quarters STEM, we can offer you truly practical advice.

How can You Spend your £186.50?

A sweat broke on my brow. My heart palpitated, and my breath, too, …palpitated. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach. And then, once I had sent off that absolute Chernobyl of an essay, I leaned back and settled down for a nice Travisty writing session. Then an email arrived, informing me that the May Ball had been cancelled.

Well. We can't just let that money go to waste now, can we?

1. Fourteen bottles of Trinity Ruby Port. Not all for one night, of course.

Unless…? Haha, just kidding. Or am I – ! No, really. Or… 2. Try Living in Great Court Q for just a single week. Seriously, the rent on those rooms. 3. Commission a tailor-made box of Valentines chocolates for Stephen

Toope from a master chocolatier in Belgium. 4. Finally buy that Cambridge Union membership you meant to get two and a half years ago. 5. Actually, don’t do that. 6. Buy 161 paper copies of this edition of Travisty – our printing company charges £186.50 for this, with free delivery! 7. Buy shares in Melvin Capital (and refuse to sell). 8. Acquire 18650 penny sweets and use them to change the flavour of the

Great Court fountain. 9. Pay one and a half days’ wages to a porter and have your own personal bodyguard to rival those at Cindies. 10. Bribe the editors of Travisty to stop sneaking in list articles under the radar. 11. Go to 15.5 formals and pretend you're a junior scholar and got them for free.