Travisty 8 (#73)

TRAVISTY #8

Valentine’s Edition

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Letter from the Editors

Megan Crane and Kerem Ergene introduce you to the wonder that is Travisty ucky you. You’ve picked up an issue of Travisty, and Megan is back! Hopefully, you’re sitting at brunch, planning your date for Wednesday. Cindies will be full to the brim, sharks will be circling, and couples will be canoodling: what’s not to look forward to?

L I V E

n other news, we warmly welcome the new TCSU Committee. Turn to Pages 4–5 to read your outgoing President’s final words of wisdom, and your incoming President’s State of the (Trinity College Students’) Union Address. Plus, on Page 6 you can find our exclusive profiles of your representatives for the upcoming year. We’re particularly fond of impartial to the new Computing and Publicity Officer. Breathe a sigh of relief— there’s finally someone on the Committee who knows which dash to use. . We didn’t really have anything to say here. We just wanted to spell LIVE along the side. And that’s because Travisty is going live. Join us, and a mixture of the old and new Committees, in the bar at 8:30 PM on Monday 19th February for a game of Pointless: Committees. We might not have the actual Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman, but we will have the next best thing, Jovan Powar free drinks.

This Week’s Contributors

njoy x

Megan Crane and Kerem Ergene

Contents

Kerem Ergene Megan Crane

2

Letter from the Editors

2

This Week’s Contributors

Harry Metrebian Kerem Ergene

3

Cover Stories

Toby Henley Smith Molly O'Brein

4–5

Kerem Ergene

Presidential Thoughts

Kerem Ergene

6

Meet the New Committee

Joe Court

7

Travisty Investigates

Megan Crane

8

Infographic

Megan Crane Kerem Ergene Fedor Misyura

9

Cocktail of the Week

Alexander Chamberlain

10

Travisty Winter-nship

Travisty Writers

11

Valentine’s Day Poetry

Megan Crane Muhammad Manji

12

How To: Have an Amicable College Divorce

Harry Metrebian

13

How To: Get a to First

Arjun Banwait

14

The Economist

Petr Dolezal

15

Restaurant Review

Muhammad Manji

16

Your Love Prospects

Mina Frost Mina Frost

17

What’s on in Cambridge?

Weather Forecast

Jovan Powar Travisty Writers

18

Horoscopes One-Liners

Mina Frost

Megan Crane

Alexander Chamberlain Arjun Banwait Fedor Misyura Harry Metrebian

Advertisements

Joe Court

Jovan Powar

Molly O’Brien Muhammad Manji Petr Doležal

Toby Henley Smith

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HENLEY SMITH REFUSES TO STEP DOWN TCSU President Toby Henley Smith has sparked a constitutional crisis by refusing to hand over power to President-Elect Molly O’Brien. In an exclusive interview with Travisty, Toby stated that he intends to remain in his post until the JCR renovation is complete, however many years that takes.

“I was the one who got the JCR into this mess, so I feel obliged to stay on until everything is sorted out. A change in leadership is the last thing this project needs—my successor might disagree with

me on the most fundamental matters, such as the number of beanbags in each room. If I stood down, the water cooler might not be installed until early next century.”

Asked whether his decision was undemocratic, Toby was typically defiant: “Most presidents get to be in power for much longer than a year—it’s four years in America, five in France and basically forever in North Korea, so why shouldn’t it be the same here?” He even expressed interest in beating the long-standing record held by

Robert Marsden, who was TCSU President from 1733 until his mysterious death at a dinner with the Dean in 1802.

Molly, fresh from her unexpected victory over Re-Open Nominations, has resolved to stage a coup to remove Toby from power if necessary. She has the backing of several incoming TCSU committee members, at least two senior Fellows and, ominously, the Great Court Sniper.

GREAT COURT SNIPER REPLACES

RIFLE WITH BOW AND ARROW Great Court Sniper, Hazel Ashley, announced last week that she will be replacing her bullets with love arrows for Valentine’s Day in an attempt to increase recognition of the holiday within Trinity.

The move, which defies centuries of tradition, has been widely criticised by Fellows, with Professor Nicholas Foster explicitly detailing his fears that the arrows could “unleash some form of unhealthy, carnal desire” within students. Professor Foster pointed out that students can’t work while “engaged

in amorous congress” and argued that it is “entirely inappropriate for such acts to take place within College premises”. However, the College Council determined that there was no need to block Hazel’s move following her confirmation that “love arrows” was a misnomer, and that the arrows would still be fatal.

In an interview with Travisty, Hazel Ashley said, “Yes, I know it breaks tradition, but I haven’t used a bow and arrow since 1066 and I’m missing it.

“Sniping people is fun, but when you’ve been doing it for the last three hundred years, you start looking for new options.

“Wait—this is all off the record, right? The Fellows are giving me a hard enough time for this already; I don’t want things getting worse.”

While yet to be confirmed with official sources, it is believed that Hazel’s invitation to the Rice Exchange Dinner has now been rescinded.

THE KING IS DEAD, LONG LIVE THE QUEEN

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Presidential Thoughts

Our (outgoing) President writes an open letter to our (incoming) President

Dear Molly, It must be more frightening to run for election alone. To stand in front of your fellow students and ask them to trust you, with no-one else to take any attention away, takes a lot of courage. Your election is a huge personal achievement, and you fully deserve all the rewards that come with it.

You are very well suited for this. In the past year, I’ve had the pleasure of watching the 2017–18 committee mature as they settle into their roles, and you in particular have consistently demonstrated exceptional leadership skills. I’m envious of your ability to take in a lot of information, stay calm, and just make things happen. I have no concerns about how you’ll do over the next 12 months.

It’s no secret that I’ve found this job hard. But that doesn’t mean you will too. You’ve seen the mistakes I’ve made and I know you won’t make the same ones. I feel like I’ve only just started to get good at being President, but I imagine you’ll seamlessly pick up where I left off.

“Can you talk about something other than TCSU?” This is a sentence you’ll hear a few times from your friends, but they’ll still be there for you when you need them. Trinity is a big college, and as cold as it can feel sometimes, it’s home to some of the warmest people I’ve met. You don’t have to revolutionise anything, you don’t need to make everyone love you, and you probably won’t make everyone love Trinity either—but I have no doubt that you will do great things for Trinity students, and you will be appreciated for it by everyone.

The burdens you now shoulder are great but often exaggerated. The sheer joy of doing what you believe is right is inexpressible.

I wish you the best of luck, Toby

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Presidential Thoughts state of the

(trinity college students’) union address Our (incoming) President speaks out to her people

To all Trinity students, or just the select few who read Travisty…

We have a had a great past year: record breaking amounts of condoms have been distributed; queue jump demand has risen so much the bar regularly has a queue; and we cannot forget the JCR is finally renovated (moving a TV downstairs and a pool table upstairs does take nine months).

I look forward to a new year of improving college life even further. Assuming my new committee stick to their manifesto promises, we shall get lights in Burrell’s, new washing machines, and a huge variety of chocolate pudding in Week 5. Sadly, one thing I can’t promise is coffee being reduced from the extortionate 25p. I guess students will still have to choose between staying awake and having enough money to live off… Most importantly in the coming year, I look forward to no longer having to distribute a ridiculous amount of drinks tokens and to maybe, just maybe, enjoying a Trinity bop.

No doubt I will see you all at a near future TCSU event after bribing you with pizza and/or drinks.

Thank you, Molly O’Brien

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Meet the New Committee Kerem Ergene introduces you to your new committee

President

Environmental and Domestic Officer

Can’t be trusted around trolleys. Doesn’t understand ethical dilemmas.

Likes the environment. Hates everything domestic. Will ignore the latter half of the role.

Molly O’Brien

Cameron Osborne

Vice-President

Junior Steward

Doesn’t believe in proofreading. Wants “anonomous feedback for TCSU officers”.

Will increase the price of coffee just to spite the other candidate.

Becky Shepherdson

Naemi Melvin

Treasurer

Access Officer

Promises lights in Burrell’s Field and new washing machines. Won’t deliver on either.

Instead will misappropriate TCSU funds.

Will improve access for football players.

Emily Song

Lara Jenkin

Overseas Welfare Officer

Entertainments Officer

Areeg Emarah

Plans on banning competitive sport. Only doing this for the queue jumps.

LGBT+ Officer

Amelia Hutchinson

Has lived in more countries than you can name (unless you do geography).

Computing and Publicity Officer

Anna Dimitriadis

Thinks doing it will increase Travisty’s readership.

Mental Health and Disabilities Officer

Kerem Ergene

Female Welfare Officer

Had the best manifesto. Should have also run for Publicity.

Hamish Trowell “The ginger one.”—Becky

Ruth Warner

Genuinely cares about welfare. Why else would you do it twice?

Women’s Officer

Male Welfare Officer

Edgier than thou.

Frankie Postles

Only ran for the role in a bet to say “threesome” in hustings. Now £20 better off.

Anna Cardoso BME Officer

Kiran Singh Jolly

“Ties a better turban than me.”—Arjun

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Travisty Investigates russian involvement in tcsu election Joe Court's full timeline of developments in the vote tampering scandal

October 2015 Toby James Kiryl Anatoly Henley Smith matriculates at Trinity College.

January 30th, 2016 Smith enters RAG Jailbreak alone. To widespread amazement Smith wins after arriving within an hour of the start time in Yakutsk, Siberia. Does not return to Cambridge for two weeks.

April 16th, 2016 Smith seen in conversation with three men wearing dark trench coats, big hats and earpieces. Smith has since maintained that these were Porters.

May 5th, 2016 Smith rumoured to be behind the appearance of unprintable curses found spray-painted onto the Great Court grass in shaky Cyrillic.

December 4th, 2016 Smith checks himself in at Addenbrooke’s, claiming to have walked all the way from Trinity. Smith is found to have had a blood vodka concentration that ‘no mortal should be able to withstand’.

January 24th, 2017 Smith announces plans to runs for POTTCSU.

January 28th, 2017 Smith’s two rival candidates revealed in leaked emails to have spent campaign expenses on queue jumps for Friday Life.

February 3rd, 2017 Smith elected President.

May 12th, 2017 Trinity students raise doubts as to the existence of ‘Ron’, Smith’s chosen Vice President, claiming that no-one has ever actually seen him. Smith insists that this is just because Ron is a mathmo.

November 29th, 2017 Smith fires half of the TCSU committee on grounds of ‘creative differences’, including Ents Officer Molly O’Brien.

January 2018 O’Brien comes forth with substantial evidence for Russian tampering in the 2017 election. No-one is really surprised. O’Brien says that she may as well run for POTTCSU, while she’s on a roll.

February 3rd, 2018 O’Brien elected President.

February 6th, 2018 O’Brien makes classes in Beginner’s Russian compulsory for all members of the College.

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Infographic travisty room guide Picking a room is, without a doubt, the most stressful part of your degree. Megan Crane helps you through these troubled times with a handy guide to picking your room.

Are you a Mathmo?

Yes

No

Burrell's Field (don't worry, there will be room for you all)

Opinions on microwave pasta?

Ideal

Over my dead body

Hygeine or Instagram likes?

How good is your sense of direction?

Instagram likes

Hygeine

Gold D of E

I got lost on the way to brunch

Great Court (who needs showers when you achieve social media glory amirite?)

What would be your perfect evening?

Pearce Hostel (warning—the floor plans are wrong)

What animal would you compare yourself to?

Sesh

Anything other than Cambridge's excuse for a night life

Shark

Dolphin

Whewell's (if your bin isn't out on a Thursday this is not the place for you)

How often do you lock yourself out?

You'll probably end up in Wolfson anyway

Are you on the Scholars' Ballot?

Too many times

I am capable of remembering my key

Who needs fun when you've got physics??

I wish

Blue Boar (as close to the Porter's Lodge as possible)

Bishop's Hostel

Nevile's Court (lucky you—you're right next to the library as well!)

New Court

NB: hygiene deliberately misspelt.

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COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK

Sex on the Backs

serves two

Method 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Look up recipe online.

Mix ingredients.

Wait for sunset.

Do ‘the deed’.

Run from Porters.

Ingredients i shot vodka 25 ml peach schnapps 40 ml orange juice 20 ml cranberry juice

Something on your mind?

Want to get something off your chest?

Metal M an

In need of some witty and slightly humorous advice?

When you're down and troubled and you need a helping hand... Travisty's Aunty M is here!

Send in your submissions to:

agonyaunt.wufoo.co.uk/forms/travisty-agony-aunt/

Write For Travisty Submissions are always welcome! Get in contact with any of the writers, or email an editor at ke297@cam.ac.uk or mec72@cam.ac.uk.

We hold Writers’ Groups to discuss ideas every week at 8 PM on Mondays in the JCR, where we provide port and samples of the current Cocktail of the Week.

Get involved.

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looking for love

From: A hard Metal Man often found on the Backs of Trinity. They call me a Fellow because I am permitted to stand on the grass. I like the sound of nature. My conversation skills are a bit rusty at the moment—largely due to the bad weather.

Looking for: A soft Metal Woman. Smaller than me and more aesthetically pleasing.

Someone to keep me company during the May Ball fireworks. Fancy a Sex on the Backs?

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Travisty Winter-nship life behind the typewriters

Travisty’s intern gives his thoughts on Trinity’s satirical newspaper

November 2017 marked the start of my internship with Trinity’s favourite only comedic newspaper. I had heard good things about its editor, Kerem Ergene. In fact, I had personally experienced his playful manner when he 100% jokingly crashed an VIII into a bank, claiming to have gotten bow and stroke confused. From that point on, I knew he was a funny guy.

I got to meet so many mediocrely popular famous writers: the brilliant minds behind Detective Portero, the hottest new crime thriller since Sherlock Holmes contracted arthritis and swapped solving mysteries for solving cryptic crosswords; and the esteemed Auntie M herself, the single largest source of wisdom since fortune cookies hit western culture.

Immediately, it became clear that the finished product handed out at Sunday brunch does not reflect the true nature of writing groups at Travisty. A few common phrases are: “Yes, I get that it’s true, but it also comes across as racist.”

“We’re not supposed to swear, and yes, CENSORED does count as one.”

“Stop bringing up that incident again, Mr President.”

Far from the well-oiled machine that it seems, the longer I spent with Travisty the more I realised how much their system is in disarray. One might even say it’s a travesty, if you excuse the pun.

On the bright side, it’s not all bad at Travisty headquarters. For a start, there’s port, and then, if people are particularly thirsty, more port. See, it’s not all bad.

Would I recommend Travisty to others? Definitely. I mean sure, they don’t write good references, they don’t hire you into a paid position after your internship ends, and they don’t do anything that you’d expect a normal internship to do, for that matter. But they do give you free alcohol and, with enough of it, you’ll forget the need for everything else.

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Valentine’s Day Poems an anthology

The Travisty writers add that pinch of love to your lives

Valentine’s Day Sonnet

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day Fedor Misyura

A Trinmo Christmas: Continued

Mistletoe last Christmastime didn’t let loose Cupid’s dart.

Maybe for this Valentine’s I'll string up some human hearts.

Joe Court

Valentine’s Day Haiku I love cheesy chips Cheesy chips with extra cheese And sweet chilli sauce Fedor Misyura

Love Story

We were both drunk when I first saw you I close my eyes and the flashback starts I’m standing there At Friday Life in sweaty air.

See the lights, see the VKs, the chunder See you make your way through the crowd And scream “Hello!”

Little did I know...

That you were a rower, you were banned from drinking, And your daddy said, “Stay away from nerdy guys!”

And I was crying on the pavement Begging you, “Please don't go!”

And I said, Rower girl, take me somewhere we can be alone Skip your outing – we need time to have some fun!

I’ll be the Black Prince, you’ll be the princess It’s a love story, baby, just say “Yes”.

Harry Metrebian

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Write For Travisty!

If you feel particularly inspired (in the love department) by any of this week’s poems or stories, please contact our helpline.

If you see Toby looking lost and wandering between courts, make sure you maintain at least twenty feet of separation and don’t feed him. Instead, remind him to take off his red President jumper.

How To have an amicable college divorce Megan Crane (left) and Muhammad Manji (right) give you their top tips on college divorces DO NOT do it over text

DO NOT do it over text

Do not message your college husband from the car five minutes after leaving Cambridge in Michaelmas term. This can come as a devastating and unexpected blow to a Fresher’s confidence.

Breaking someone’s heart should always be done in person.

Picture the scene: it’s the end of term and you’re looking forward to a relaxing holiday to recover from a particularly brutal Michaelmas. Reclining on a broken plastic chair in Hall, you sip free but tasteless coffee. Out of the blue, you receive a text saying your college marriage “isn’t working” and your wife “needs space”. You spit out your coffee.

Clearly things have gotten out of hand.

DO NOT be unfaithful

DO NOT be unfaithful

Bigamy is bad (note from Kerem: it’s actually illegal, and worse: can get you Deaned).

So, hypothetically, imagine finding out not only that your college ex-wife had moved on quickly but that she had in fact agreed to marry someone else immediately after asking for a divorce. Imagine finding out that she had in fact been plotting this for the past four weeks. This is strictly hypothetical of course, but you’d be outraged, wouldn’t you?

DO accept responsibility

DO accept responsibility

Even though it is (always) his fault, make an effort to be apologetic. Even if he’s an annoying, clingy, boring, exasperating guy, an amicable divorce needs both parties to accept responsibility. Even if only one person is to blame.

Even though it’s her fault, you still need to be gracious and accept that you may not be entirely blameless. You were, after all, the one who proposed in the first place.

DO NOT remarry one of their friends

DO NOT remarry one of their friends

This can come as a blow to their self-confidence.

Also, it can lead to much unwanted contact in the future…

There’s no need to turn one of her closest friends into a reminder of what she walked away from.

Unless, of course, that’s exactly what you want to do.

DO minimise future contact

DO minimise future contact

For example, do not write for the same college newspaper. Writing articles together is unadvised and can result in violence.

Things may get awkward so the last thing you want to do is spend lots of time together.

Imagine writing for the same college newspaper or something…

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How To get a to first

Harry Metrebian helps you get where you want in life

Trinity is known for its high levels of success in exams, but not so much in the romantic department.

For some reason, the editors thought that I was the person best suited to try and change this, despite the fact that I am a Mathmo, and, unsurprisingly, single. So, here’s my list of top tips for finding true love—because a kiss always leads to a long-lasting relationship.

Do turn up to lectures. There are a lot of people there, and the chances are that you will like one of them.

Whether any of them like you is another matter.

Do row. This is a fantastic way to meet new people, and you get used to the early mornings.

Do go clubbing, but turn up sober and just act drunk. You’ll feel much better in the morning—this is very important if you’ve followed my previous tip—and if you manage to pull, you’ll remember it and won’t just have to rely on other people’s candid photos.

Do be eccentric. People will notice you, which can’t be a bad thing, and other eccentric people might even be attracted to you. Spend a couple of days coming up with a character: changes in hairstyle, accent, height and age are highly recommended. Stay in that character 24/7 so that you forget how to be normal (if you ever were). Your friends (if you ever had any) will probably stop talking to you, but that’s just a side effect and it will be outweighed by the long-term benefits.

Do write for Travisty. This probably won’t help you in your attempts to get to first—it’s just something you should do at some point in your life.

Do not do maths, and if you do, don’t admit that you do. When you’ve just met someone in Life, and you’re striking up a good conversation about your shared love for Smash Mouth, “I do maths” is the second worst thing you could possibly say—it’s even worse than “I do Media Studies at ARU”. If you are unfortunate enough to be a Mathmo, make sure to have a subject that you can claim to do whenever you find yourself in this situation.

Do not actually row. “Did I tell you I row?” is the only phrase that’s a bigger turn-off than “I do maths”.

Do not join lots of clubs and societies. You need to leave some free time for your love life.

Do not turn up to a bop wearing a cardboard shark fin on your back. Especially a joint bop with Medwards at Cindies, as has happened in the past.

Do not use dating apps. Two reasons for this: firstly, you can’t kiss anyone online, and secondly, you won’t need dating apps if you’ve followed all my other tips.

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The Economist

valentine’s day for the

financially responsible Arjun Banwait, resident financial adviser, draws up your expenses

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, you may be panicking about how you’re going to cover the costs whilst following the budget from our last issue. Fear not! We’ve put together three guides for your perfect date, no matter if you’re a single pringle or a committed… person.

Option one (if you can find a date):

New outfit £1000–3000 Horse and carriage £1500 Room for two in the Hilton £200 Bottle of Bollinger £95 Private firework display £10,000 Michelin star chef (lobster not included) £26,000

Total: £38,825–40,825

Option two (if you can find a friend):

2x Large Big Mac meal £10.18 2x Cindies queue jump £8 Drinks in the College Bar £30 2x Gardies £15 Pain killers £0.60

Total: £63.78

Option three (if you are alone):

Kleenex Original Tissues £2.50 Sainsbury’s Meal Deal £3 Hot chocolate powder £3.50 Marshmallows £2 Hot water bottle £7 Netflix subscription £5.99

Total: £23.99

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Restaurant Review of cambridge for one

Petr Doležal, Travisty’s leading food critic, enlightens you with an insight into Cambridge’s cuisine

Our renowned food specialist, Petr Doležal, brings you suggestions on where to have a dinner on Valentine's Day, if you want to avoid the loving-couplefilled restaurants of Cambridge. All this, based on why you’re actually alone on Valentine's Day. You’re not fit enough to attract a partner If you identify this as your main problem, the perfect menu for you is served at La Pergola Restaurant, Harlton. After only a seven-mile-long run from central Cambridge, you can admire the splendid selection of locally grown vegetables, herbs, and salads. If you also make a reservation, congratulations: your run just became a time trial.

You’re too fit to attract a partner Maybe you have the opposite problem, people won’t date you because they think they could never deserve your perfect body. If you suspect this might be the case I have the perfect Valentine’s Day meal recommendation for you. Try the luxurious Rose Crescent McDonald’s Restaurant, specifically: The Burger Barrage (the collection of all twenty-five burgers on the menu) which pairs well with The Large Milkshake Quartet (from chocolate to banana). Repeat twice a week and believe me, for next year’s Valentine’s Day, your perfect body won’t be a problem anymore.

You’re a rower and can’t find a partner Are you sure you are actually alone on Valentine’s Day? That can’t be true.

Isn’t rowing suppose to be a great way to exercise, as well as a rich supply of incredible social life? Just to be sure, can you quickly check your corridor, your shower and your gyp in case a large quantity of dating partners

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secretly awaits you there? No? What about the inside of your wardrobe?

No fanboy/fangirl hidden in there to spend your Valentine’s Day with you?

Really? I find that hard to believe.

Maybe you need to be more vocal about the fact that you’re a boatie.

Well, whatever the rare reason for your loneliness is, you can fix it by spending the evening with the one true love of yours: the river.

I recommend ordering the wonderful protein-loaded Spit-Roasted Chicken with Kale & Cauliflower Couscous Salad at The Plough, Fen Ditton and spending the evening buried in nostalgic memories of all the great Bumps races you’ve rowed in and wondering how the next Bumps will go.

Nobody is good enough to date you Of course, we all feel for you; this is a hard problem to overcome. For your Valentine’s Day meal, I recommend the Butter-on-a-slice-of-toast in the wonderful setting of Alone-in-yourroom. This way you can enjoy a literally perfect meal prepared with love by the best chef in the world in the company of the best person you know.

You don’t want to be part of the mainstream If you love the feeling of going against the crowd, I actually recommend you go into one of the standard Cambridge restaurants. Nothing will thrill hipster you more than being the only single person in the sea of couples. To enhance that feeling, I particularly recommend ordering the Mixed Leaf Salad with House Dressing at The Cambridge Chop House. If you order it loudly enough, the attention you will get from the waiters and the meat munching people around you

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will bring you enough satisfaction to last you for a month (that is likely an overestimate: probably just a few days).

Just make sure you ask for it to be well done.

You have a deadline due the next day That doesn’t mean you still can’t enjoy a fancy dinner on Valentine’s Day. For you, I’d recommend trying some thing Italian. My personal favourite is Panini Al Tonno with Biscotti Al Cioccolato paired with Doppio Caffè Macchiato in the great environment of the glorious Trinity College Bar. You’re in a long distance relationship Whether your partner is at another uni, on a year abroad, or in Girton, you can still enjoy this special day in style. First, buy a nice bottle of wine from Cambridge Wine Merchants, and second, either get a takeaway at The Hot Sausage Company or buy lots of different fruits and vegetables in Sainsbury’s. The first is there to make you relaxed and in the mood, the second to provide inspiration for the subsequent phone sex.

Other reasons No matter whether you’re alone on Valentine’s Day due to an aforementioned reason or something else completely, there is one place where you’ll always find happiness: the Trinity College Hall will give refuge to any lonely soul. Under the eyes of the greatest virgin of all times, Sir Isaac Newton, you can happily feast on Trinity’s amazing Potato Dish.

Plus on the evening of February 14th, you could finally discover whether the Chips are the thin ones or the thick ones. And if that isn’t something worth not having a date (or ditching you partner last minute) for, then I don’t know what is.

What Your Favourite SALTO lock says about your love prospects Muhammad Manji predicts your future

Whewell’s Court Trinity Street Possibly the most frequented SALTO locked gate in Trinity. You’re definitely not short of admirers but you find yourself turning most of them down. Just like when the Porters escort out over-excited tourists who walked past the “No Entry” sign thinking that they would get away with it.

Angel Court Gate Many a student has lost a limb after being too slow to pass through this gate. Dating you is like playing with fire, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you were responsible for a similar number of lost limbs. Try taking things down a notch in the bedroom next time.

Whewell’s Court Sidney Street You don’t like to be rushed and, just like anyone using this gate, potential suitors will definitely need a lot of patience. Perhaps it’s worth the wait, but then again most of the time I go through that gate I end up regretting buying another five packs of Sainsbury’s cookies.

Bishop’s Hostel Gate The most unpopular SALTO locked gate in Trinity, mostly due to the fact that it doesn’t work most of the time and is far more complicated than any reasonable door should be. Need I say any more?

New Court Backs Gate I’m not really sure why they have this gate when there are much bigger metal gates on the other side of the backs. Similarly, you always find yourself in someone else’s shadow when it comes to the person you love. Maybe you should tell them how you truly feel instead of carrying on as if you have your shit together.

Punthouse Side Gate I don’t think I’ve ever used this door myself. No offence, I’m sure there’s someone out there for you somewhere. I guess. Don’t hold me to that.

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What’s on in Cambridge?

Mina Frost gives her worldly avice on how to procrastinate

Here are some suggestions of what to do to counter the winter bleakness (except if you’re ill, stay inside).

In Trinity: Trinity French Society are screening “L’Auberge Espagnole” on Saturday 17th at 7pm, in the Junior Parlour! A good opportunity to brush up on your French, procrastinate in a vaguely useful way, or just stare at Romain Duris. He is pretty dreamy.

Trinity College Science Society are hosting a talk by Professor Murray Shanahan, a senior research scientist at Google DeepMind! This will take place at the Winstanley Lecture Hall on 15th February, at 6pm.

Outside of College: No plans for Valentine’s Day? How about a cute date with Wes Anderson? The Cambridge Arts Picturehouse (that thing next to Spoons) is screening Rushmore on Wednesday 14th, at 9pm.

The fifth annual Italian-language production by the Cambridge Italian Society is running 15th–17th February at the Brickhouse Theatre Company (Robinson), at 7.30pm. This year they are putting on Accidental Death of An Anarchist by Dario Fo, a dark but comic masterpiece.

Fancy an exotic trip to forget about deadlines? The Cambridge University Botanic Gardens are hosting an informative Orchid Display until 4.30pm today (11th February). Who doesn’t fancy learning about orchid morphology after brunch?! Also, it’s warm inside greenhouses.

Weather Forecast

Cambridge City Centre Cheer up folks it’s brightening up! And by that, I mean we are slowly gaining extra minutes of sunlight every day. Make that daylight. Light? Fine, we are gaining a few minutes of not-quite-darkness every day. If you haven’t already caught a cold or the flu, I would recommend quarantining yourself in your room—nowhere else is safe. If you have, the same advice also applies. You don’t want to be one of those annoying people who incessantly coughs in lectures, making everyone else ill. Don’t let the slightly longer days and occasional sunshine fool you into believing winter is over—I know sunglasses worn with a ski jacket isn’t the best look but you don’t want to risk hypothermia to look cool, right?

Also, beware of ice when walking and cycling. That wasn’t funny, I’m just being nice and thoughtful (sorry Kerem).

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Horoscopes One-Liners

A ries You may be feeling the lack of the full moon this month, Aries, and that’s to be expected. Your cosmic energy will be at an ebb, so don’t push yourself into social situations. Relaxed gatherings with friends and good sleep will bring you out of this month rested, energised, and self-possessed once more. Plus, no turning into a wolf-monster and maiming a fellow this month, which is a win in my book.

Taurus This week’s reading is very difficult for you, Taurus.

When I chant your name and peer through my telescope at the stars, I see only darkness. This could mean any number of things... I recommend you be cautious in matters of love this week, avoid crossing paths with dogs, and leave an envelope containing a microfibre cloth and some lens cleaner at the Porters’ Lodge, addressed to Travisty.

Gemini Valentine’s day isn’t just about romantic love. This week, reach out to the people around you, and strengthen your bonds—a journey travelled together reaches farther and higher. Remember, there’s no Gemini in Geminteam.I believe you can fly.

Cancer The best way to predict the future is to create it. So get creative, Cancer! To get my own divination juices flowing I actually went to the Fine Art Society’s life drawing session last Monday. Boy, did I predict all over that canvas! The model didn’t seem too thrilled, for some reason. “I thought you were going to paint me in my David pose!” he whispered, through tears.

“Why are those dogs tearing my limbs off my body?”

Remember, Cancer, to be an artist is to be subject to harsh criticism.

Travisty’s very own Professor Trelawney reads your stars Leo There’s a special someone out there, Leo! You’ve seen them: a furtive glance in hall; a blush and a smile in a lecture; an accidental like on an Instagram post from July 2016, not withdrawn quickly enough to stop the notification from popping up on your phone. This week is the week it happens, Leo. Throw caution to the wind! Eyes closed, heart first, can’t lose.

Virgo You will receive a surprise from a lover this week.

The surprise will be underwhelming and— to be honest—a little gross, but the lover put a lot of effort into it, so be sure to show them your appreciation for that.

It’s the thought that counts.

Also, you’ll need some air freshener.

Libra Work with your destiny, stop trying to outrun it.

Sure, running is pretty good cardio, but you know what’s even better? Why not join First and Third!

You get used to the early mornings, and it’s a great way to meet new people! If you’re curious stop by the Captain’s room, Q1 Great Court, for a casual chat and ritual offering, no commitment required. #FaT Scorpio Little disappointments litter your life, Scorpio.

I know, it’s hard, but you can’t let them get you down.

We’ve all been there, you have something fantastic to offer but no-one else can see the brilliance. “I don’t think you’ve understood the assignment,” or “I’m afraid you’re not quite what we’re looking for,” or “you can’t have a whole page of Travisty to talk about how hyped you are for Black Panther” are phrases you’ll have to get used to hearing throughout your life, Scorpio. I have no solutions to offer, only that validation can only truly come from within.

Cover Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Sagittarius Wow, Sagittarius! The universe sure loves you.

I haven’t seen this many stars complimenting someone since Tom Jones’ 40th birthday party. Honestly, it looks like you’re going to get everything you want this week. Be ambitious!

You might change the world.

Capricorn Capricorn, have you considered live streaming? You have the face for it. It’s a really nice face. I talked to the gods and they would totally subscribe to your Twitch.

Aquarius Close your eyes. Imagine your true love. The person who’s always there for you, who picks you up when you’re down, who celebrates with you when you’re up.

Whose every word you await with bated breath. Do something nice—a meal, or maybe some chocolates— for your true love this week, Aquarius. I love you too.

Pisces Every week we have a happy hour here at Travisty’s divination department. And by happy hour I mean I sink a couple of pints and ignore the Editors’ furious texting about deadlines. Pisces, it’s important to take a bit of time for yourself in this hectic term. You’ll want to tell yourself “I don’t have time”, but when you when you make time for yourself, the cosmos will make time for you. So take an evening this week, draw a bubble bath, and tell Kerem to go fuck himself.

Write For Travisty Think you can do better?

Email ke297@cam.ac.uk mec72@cam.ac.uk

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Our Best Chat-Up Lines

Weekly hot takes from Travisty’s writers

A lexander Chamberlain If you were an oar, then I’d pull you.

A rjun Banwait You don’t look like you did through the binoculars...

Fedor Misyura Which College are you at?

H arry Metrebian Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend unreciprocated crush.

Joe Court Baby, I can be your Angel Court or your Devilled Hall Potatoes.

Jovan Powar I know LaTeX, which is what the TCSU Constitution is written in.

K erem Ergene Did you know I edit Travisty?

Megan Crane You make my heart race faster than a 2k.

Mina Frost Hey, do you want to make a fragile human connection in the vast and unfeeling infinite of the universe?

Muhammad M anji Howdy.

Petr Doležal Please? Please?

Toby Henley Smith Did you know I used to be TCSU President?

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