Travisty 7 (#72)

TRINITY’S NEW INTERVIEW PROCESS ANNOUNCED

The Undergraduate Admissions Office has announced that, as an emergency cost-cutting measure, it will be testing out a radical new system this year which is hoped will one day replace interviews. Candidates who make it through the preliminary selection process will be asked to rate their academic ability on a scale of one to ten; the highest scorers will be allocated places to begin study in October.

“I’m really not sure why we haven’t thought of this

before. It’s so simple, it has to work,” said a Fellow who wished to remain nameless. “About fucking time, not talking to any more of these fucking kids unless I have to,” slurred a Fellow in the bar whose name he had difficulty recalling.

If successful, the system will subsequently be trialed on the auditions for next year’s May Ball entertainment, the plan being to refer acts with the lowest self-regard to John’s instead.

TRINITY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF TRANSFER WINDOW

In a press conference earlier this week, Trinity Admissions Officer Sylvia Schuyler has confirmed that Trinity is looking to make several “big signings” as the transfer window nears its close. This news follows reports of increasing pressure on students, arising from CamCORS reports and January mocks.

Sylvia Schuyler, who has been managing Trinity’s Admissions process since the early 19th century, has announced her intentions to use the mid-season window to her advantage.

“Yes, it’s true that we’ve been top of the Tompkins Table since 2011, but we can’t allow for another embarrassing slip up like 2010: that was a dark year.

“Emmanuel may have fallen off the radar a little recently, but they’re in the quarter finals of University Challenge now. While I have no doubt we’ll be able to deal with anything they can throw at us, we need to remain prepared.

“The best way of doing this is to make those big signings. We can’t be afraid to splash out—it’s what Manchester City have done and it’s clearly worked for them.

“We have the money; it’s time we invest it in our students, not tax-evading fossil fuel corporations.”

Trinity are expected to place their bid for former University Challenge finalist Eric Monkman by the end of Week 1.

ron & toby henley SmIth

from the edItorS

Megan Crane and Kerem Ergene introduces you to the wonder that is Travisty

Have you ever had that nightmare where you’ve arrived to a supervision, five minutes late, only to find your supervision partner isn't there? You then sit down, take out your phone to tell them they’re obscenely late, and see that message saying I can’t make it to today’s supervision. You feel that figurative tear rolling down your cheek, and let out a not-so-subtle whimper. The supervisor glares at you. You apologise. You put your phone away. You look down at your work. You shudder at the sight of your supervisors comments: there’s more red pen than black ink. You spend the next fifty-five minutes unsuccessfully pretending to know what you’re doing.

Thankfully, you wake up. You realise you were dreaming; it was just a nightmare. You go about your day as normal.

Have you ever had that pleasant dream where you’re editor of Travisty? Except, this dream isn’t quite like your normal dream. Something’s wrong. Something’s missing. There’s no other editor. They’re at the Green Formal. That’s right, they prioritised fancy vegetarian food over spending an evening you. Who’d do such a thing? You pinch yourself. You aren’t dreaming. You feel that literal tear rolling down your cheek, and let out a not-so-subtle expletive. It dawns on you that this is the longest issue yet, and you’re going to have to edit it by yourself. It’s now midnight: you’re still editing. It’s 3 AM: still editing. It’s 6 AM: you realise people haven’t submitted enough cover stories. You feel that literal tear rolling down your cheek. You hack up a cover page. You turn people’s hyphens into m-dashes. You wish people knew the difference. You feel that literal tear rolling down your cheek. It’s 7 AM: you realise you haven’t written a Letter from the Editors. You hack up a letter. You feel like you overuse the same literary technique throughout. You feel that literal tear rolling down your cheek. But you’re done. You’ve finished.

Enjoy x

Megan Crane and Kerem Ergene

contentS

Kerem Ergene Joe Court

Kerem Ergene Megan Crane

Muhammad Manji

Muhammad Manji Martha O'Neil

Joe Court

Toby Henley Smith

Harry Metrebian

Kerem Ergene

Alexander Chamberlain

Fedor Misyura

Megan Crane

Columella Mina Frost

Kevin Wang

Arjun Banwait

Petr Dolezal

Megan Crane

Fedor Misyura

Muhammad Manji

Mina Frost

Mina Frost

Jovan Powar

Travisty Writers

thIS week’S contrIbutorS

Cover Stories

Letter from the Editors

This Week’s Contributors

Positive Life Changes

Detective Portero

Travisty Investigates

Presidential Thoughts

RON for TCSU President

How To: Survive Burrell’s

How To: Look Cool in Lectures

Infographic

Cocktail of the Week

Advertisement

The Homecoming

The Economist Potatoes of Trinity

New Year’s Fireworks

Get Fit Quick

Keep Off The Grass

What ’s on in Cambridge?

Weather Forecast

Horoscopes

One-Liners

Alexander

Joe Court

Jovan Powar

Kevin Wang

Toby Henley Smith

Kerem Ergene

Mina Frost Megan Crane

you can make In cambrIdge

Travisty gives you some inspiration for your New Year's Resolutions

Stop going to Gardies every night

However choose you spend your evenings—whether you’re on a night out, at formal hall, spending the night in the library or having a quiet night in—you will always end up in Gardies at 3am. Like clockwork. It’s really not worth all the effort for greasy microwaved cheesy chips, you’d be much better off getting a bit more sleep.

Cry less in supervisions

A good cry is often helpful and necessary. But it’s probably not the best idea to break down in front of your supervisor about the excessive workload and stress and your disastrous night out which has left you near-paralysed during the supervision. There’s a time and a place.

Daily shops at Tiger

I honestly can’t think of anything better to do with your time than roam through Tiger. Haters will say that you don’t need a giant pencil or inflatable ostrich but you don’t need to worry about them. You do you.

Phone-free time

Every now and then there comes a point in your life where you feel like throwing your phone at a wall and just escaping the constant cycle of procrastination. Next time it might be worth actually doing it! I can guarantee you’ll have the most productive night of your life.

Disclaimer: Travisty holds no liability over broken mobile devices and urges readers to consider the benefits and costs carefully before throwing their phones at a wall.

Boycott the NSS

Do it. You’ll make Amatey proud.

Don’t go to John’s

This one feels self-explanatory. It’s really not worth it, trust me.

We last saw our hero apprehending the sinister Dr Salazar whom he then led to the confession chamber behind the Porters’ Lodge.

The Winter sun awoke from its slumber, and Detective Portero strolled out of the Porters’ Lodge emerging into a cacophony of wailing sirens. Two tall policemen carried the diminutive figure of Dr Salazar away, her feet barely touching the floor, as she screamed “You’re going to pay for this, Winstanley!” He smiled and turned back to the Head Porter who nodded approvingly.

“Good work Winstanley. Sir Isaac knows how long she’s been hosting those illegal port sales but you’ve put a stop to it. Shame we couldn’t find any links to the coyote case.”

Still smug after all the praise from the Head Porter, Detective Portero reached for his pipe, thoughtfully filling it with his finest Cuban tobacco and lighting it under the porch of Great Gate. He watched the smoke swirl and rise through the cold air, and disappeared into his mind palace. How curious, he thought, that there was no connection between the missing coyotes and the strange cult of youths in Wordsworth masks. He puffed impatiently, before turning decisively and hailing the Head Porter once more.

“We need to check the tunnels again. I’m sure I missed something,” he muttered gruffly.

“I can’t understand anything you’re saying with that darned pipe in your mouth Winstanley: try piping up a bit,” she replied, visibly pleased with her crafty wordplay.

He rolled his eyes and pulled his pipe out of his mouth. “Follow me.”

He led her around the Scholars’ Lawn and into the secret crypt, opting to direct her to the left with a Victorian miners’ oil lamp he had found in lost property. The passage twisted and narrowed and widened, before ending at a locked wooden door.

“What now?” asked the Head Porter.

The Detective cracked his knuckles, took a step back and thrust his extended hand towards the lock, like a karate chop. The locking mechanism gave way and the door splintered open, revealing a very large room full of crates and barrels.

They had found the legendary wine cellar under Great Court. A quick patrol told them they had no company.

“Let’s spring another trap,” the Head Porter suggested excitedly and Winstanley nodded, strolling over to the nearest crate and pulling out two bottles of 1985 Sandeman. They drank to their health and a half hour later he found himself fetching two more bottles.

“Ophelia” he said at last, breaking the silence which had descended upon them—a palpable, knowing silence that wrapped itself around their shoulders and pulled them closer together. They had so much to say and yet, even after all these years, they had not dared to shatter the delicate equilibrium of their companionship. To speak or die?

“Yes, Winstanley?” She smiled, almost painfully.

detectIve portero

Part III of Muhammad Manji and Martha O’Neil’s detective thriller

“Do you remember that time we were called to Neville’s court to rescue a student from a swan on the roof?”

She smiled more genuinely at him and chuckled reminiscently. “That was a strange night,” she said while stifling laughter. “I’m not sure how or why he was on the roof naked on the first place”. Silence one more. “And that time we stopped that student stealing 35 plates from Christmas formal.”

He laughed, a deep and hoarse laugh, and added “Of course I do, not entirely sure how none of the waiters spotted that one. Still not as good as the time we had to pursue those disobedient tourists on our bicycles.”

He looked up towards her and suddenly time froze as memories rose and surrounded them. “It’s been two months you know”. He gazed into her electric blue eyes which were staring straight back into his own.

“I know,” she whispered softly. He moved his hand closer to hers and she took a deep breath, ready to reveal a truth not-so universally acknowledged...

CRASH. Footsteps echoed around the cellar. “Someone’s been here,” a voice boomed. “Search the chamber!”

Portero and the Head Porter got up with a start and took cover. He peered around the stack of crates and saw a group of what appeared to be students armed with baseball bats, who were patrolling the cellar, some walking in his direction. They were unmasked and he could swear he recognised one of them, a short and thin boy with very distinctive salmon pink chinos.

Colin? No. Cameron? No. Caesar! Yes! It was that kid Caesar from John’s whom he had bumped into just the day before. “Bloody John’s, of course,” he thought to himself.

He waited for them to move nearer before coordinating with the Head Porter on the other side of the block of crates; he sprung out from his hiding place and confronted the students.

“Only Trinity members are allowed in college outside of visiting hours” he bellowed, punctuating each syllable with a blow as he weaved in between the wild swings of the students’ baseball bats.

Within 30 seconds they were all on the floor, baseball bats kicked aside, and he checked across the aisle to see the Head Porter had managed to do the same a few seconds quicker.“Right, you lot have a lot of explaining to do.”

“Not so fast,” a voice behind him said defiantly. He heard a gun cock behind him and turned around slowly to see a masked figure in pink chinos pointing a gun at his head. The other students took the opportunity to fetch some rope that happened to be lying around and tied up the two Porters on interrogation chairs. Both chairs were placed in front of a large steel vault door. Odd, Portero thought, that they had never seen this giant door before.

“Do you know what this is, Mr Porter?” Caesar addressed to the incapacitated detective, boasting a sickeningly smug look that only a John’s student could pull off.

“Umm, it’s Portero actually,” the Detective said.

Caesar ignored him. “This is a vault,” the boy continued.

“Yes, I can see that.” Portero replied curtly. He was not in a good mood.

“Ah, but do you realise what lies behind the door? This is the key to everything. This chamber leads directly beneath the portrait of Henry VIII in your dining hall. Do you know how valuable that is?” All eyes were on the Head Porter who had fallen asleep at some point in the past five minutes, so Detective Portero stepped in. “Yes, but you’ll never be able to tunnel underneath hall or carry it out without being noticed. Seems like you haven’t thought this through.”

“Oh but, old fool, do you not understand? Do you really think such an expensive painting would be kept in public to slowly fade away? That’s a replica painting, and you have three guesses where the real one is kept.”

Detective Portero wasn’t particularly fond of being called old or a fool, so opted to take none of his guesses, which resulted in a rather awkward silence, interrupted midway by the Head Porter’s snoring. He was still confused about the coyotes and the cultlike chanting but he figured Caesar would behave like a predictable wannabe super villain and explain his plan whilst Portero had time to escape from his ties.

“So what does this all have to do with coyotes you may ask? Well since you aren’t going anywhere I might as well explain the brilliance of our plan.”

Portero rolled his eyes and started working at the rope binding his hands with the sharp edge of one of his cufflinks.

“Well, we started off as a lowly drinking society in St John’s, all united by having been pooled from Trinity. We decided that it was time to act and take Trinity off its high horse, paving the way for St John’s to claim the title as Cambridge’s most prestigious college.

“It was by fortune that we met someone within Trinity as fed up with its exceptional reputation as we were. We then hatched a plan to bring the college to its knees. We agreed to communicate via hidden encoded messages hidden in the coyotes—you see, we have a large supply of discarded ones which we’ve been replacing on the Great Court lawn. One of us must have been careless in not replacing them yesterday morning. Said person will, of course, face the consequences in due course...

“We’ve been so close to cracking the code for a few weeks, but have been lacking the final piece of the puzzle. Until now, that is. You may be more important than you realise, Mr Porter.”

“Portero”.

Caesar cackled. In his excitement he completely missed Detective Portero breaking free from his ropes, leaping towards him and cracking his jaw with his torch. In the chaos that followed Portero picked up Caesar’s fallen gun and turned to face down the rest of the students.

“This ends now.” he declared.

To be continued...

travISty InveStIgateS

trInIty’S underground holdIngS

Joe Court goes deep in the name of journalism

Wine cellars

I was under the impression that these extended over to Sidney, but, as the College informed me, the actual endpoint is Sydney. Cutting through the Earth’s inner core keeps the port at room temperature.

Dungeons

A handy tear-operated trapdoor in the Dean’s office ensures that slackers, intermitters, and alcohol consumers alike can be detained and monitored at all times. For their own safety, of course. For the safety of us all.

Tomb

A little-known crypt beneath the chapel houses some of Trinity’s best-known departed alumni, including Isaac Newton, Ludwig Wittgenstein, and Eddie Redmayne (Yep. Sorry you had to hear this way).

Shuttle train

Accessible only to Fellows and Scholars, Trinity actually owns a highly efficient underground train line linking central Cambridge to the isolated West Country commuter town of Burrell’s Fields.

Restricted area

I wasn’t brave enough to go past the cordon here, but the Porter I bribed said his money was on a toxic waste dump or an ancient pagan burial ground.

Storage basement

Don’t be absurd.

Fossil fuel industry

Until recently, these were some of Trinity’s most secretive holdings.

preSIdentIal thoughtS

Our (outgoing) President prepares you for the upcoming fortnight

Nominations close for TCSU Elections

28th January, 23:59

Today's the day to finish off those manifestos, chase around proposers and seconders, and get your nomination forms signed. Get them in my pigeonhole by midnight tonight!

Who Wants to be a TCSU President?

30th January, 18:30–19:30 in the Bar

Travisty will be (playfully) grilling the Presidential hopefuls in a test of Trinity knowledge, as well as getting to know them better through an interview.

TCSU Election Hustings

31st January, 18:30–21:00 in the Bar (exact timings tbc)

You've seen the manifestos. Now's your chance to meet the candidates, hear them speak, and ask them anything. Good questions from the audience will be rewarded with drinks tokens.

TCSU Election

2nd February, 10:00–22:00

It's time. The polls will be open all day, and the official results will be announced in the bar shortly after 10pm.

TCSU Handover

9th February, 12:00

The committee-elect will take over from us one week later, and I'll finally start doing my degree.

TCSU Open Mic Night

28th January, 19:00–22:00

Come along to the college bar on Sunday to witness some great musical and comical performances from the talented bunch we have at Trinity.

TCSU STI Bop

3rd February, times tbc

Free drinks and STI Tests? TCSU's Welfare Team will be in the bar with the help of a local charity to help you with both.

TCSU Marriage Formal

3rd February, times tbc

Ready to tie the (college) knot? This is the perfect time to celebrate. Note: tickets have already sold out for this formal, but that doesn't mean you can't get married!

RON (Re-Open Nominations)

TCSU President

(and Vice-President, Treasurer, Ents, Welfare, etc... but mainly President)

Proposed: Harry Metrebian

Seconded: Kerem Ergene

If you elect me as your president, I will…

• Continue Toby’s good work and complete the abolition of the JCR.

• Install more toilets in New Court E staircase, so that you don’t have to use the floor any more. If this proves impractical, then special bins will be provided instead.

• Introduce restrictions on visitors from shithole colleges.

• Replace the deeply unfair Scholars’ Ballot with a Peterhouse-style points system. People who vote for me will get more points.

• Increase the excitement of the Great Court Run by having Hazel Ashley, the Great Court sniper, fire at the stragglers.

Why me?

• I have won more TCSU committee elections than any other candidate in history.

• I have achieved this despite never writing a manifesto before, so just imagine how much I will win by now that people know what I stand for.

• I’m not doing a degree, so I will be able to put much more time and effort into my role than any other candidate.

• I have promoted gender equality by simultaneously standing for the positions of Male and Female Welfare Officer.

• Admittedly, I haven’t actually achieved anything while on the TCSU committee, but not many people ever have.

• Give the TCSU president (i.e., myself) the power to reshuffle the TCSU committee—everyone will work harder if they know they’re in danger of being demoted.

• Abolish tuition fees. In the unlikely event that this fails, I will abolish room rents instead.

• Replace the lift in the Wolfson Building with a magic carpet to improve reliability.

• Build a tunnel leading from the Wolfson Party Room to the Whewell’s Court toilets. Not only will this give the WPR an extra fire exit, meaning it can actually be used for parties, it will also allow people who party a bit too hard to make a quick escape to the bathroom.

• Campaign for the decolonisation of Gibraltar and the Falkland Islands.

• Bring back James Riseley!

• Hold a salmon-only formal once a term—we don’t get served salmon often enough.

• Allow students to bring their own bottles of wine to formals, but only if they have already drunk more than half of the bottle—this way, there will be no excessive drinking at formals, but everyone can still get as hammered as they like.

SurvIve burrell’S fIeld walk at nIght

Our newest writer presents his findings from his internship Perhaps you have a supervision, a party, or are even unfortunate enough to live in the overseas territory known as Burrell’s. Whatever the reason, in the winter months, it is necessary to take precautions when venturing out of Trinity’s homeland. Follow these simple steps to ensure safe passage:

DO NOT use your phone to light the way

You’ll make yourself an easy prey for any potential attackers hiding in the bushes. Instead, walk in pitch darkness: if the attacker can’t see you, how will they attack?

DO use echolocation

Dolphins can do it, and you’re at the University of Cambridge, so I’d bloody well expect you to be smarter than a dolphin. I don’t see any dolphins at Trinity.

Disclaimer: statement does not hold for those walking through Burrell’s to use what is known as the ‘gym’.

DO wear thick layers

This has two benefits. Firstly, it’ll absorb the shock when you inevitably walk into a tree/fence/other person. Secondly, if you get lost and are forced to camp out for the night, it’ll slow the onset of hypothermia.

DO lay a trail of Trinity cheese sticksTM

These will allow you to retrace your steps. They can double up as emergency rations if things get dire.

DO travel in groups

A penguin huddle will keep you warm, and your friends make good shields. A double win.

If you follow this advice, I have no doubt that you’ll survive your journey. Enjoy your trip and come back soon.

how to

look cool In lectureS

Fedor Misyura advises you on how to climb that social ladder

Having been tasked to write this article, I was prepared to do extensive research on the topic. Thus, I attended lectures at the end of Michaelmas and at the beginning of Lent. From this, I obtained my first observation: to look cool in lectures, you have to go to lectures. Otherwise no matter how gold-rimmed your glasses may be or how much hair gel you use, your chances of looking cool are about as high as your chances of learning anything.

As I was doing my research, I quickly realised that LT0 in the Engineering Department was not the best ‘flora and fauna’ for my chosen subject matter. So, don’t do engineering to look cool in lectures. Anyway, I did my best and here are my top ten tips:

1. Wear a bandana.

2. Wear a long-sleeved shirt and roll it up.

3. Take a protein shake out of your bag as you sit down, place it on the desk, and tell everyone how much you love leg day.

4. Do that really cool spin trick with your pen the whole time.

5. Take notes using an iPad Pro with an Apple Pencil.

6. Only take mental notes.

7. Listen to music during the lecture (Wilkinson’s lectures: listen to music during his music).

8. Sleep, shamelessly.

9. Come in five minutes late, walk half-way down the lecture hall, then proceed to leave.

10. Come in just as everyone begins to leave.

InfographIc new year, new you?

2017 has come to a close and it’s time to welcome in 2018 with open arms. Gone are those sorrowful days of crying into another example sheet, downing caffeine-infused beverages in the small hours of the morning in another desperate attempt to reach an essay conclusion, and apologising to our supervisors for yet another missed deadline.

Travisty is here to help you become that productive, efficient, and enthusiastic student that we all claimed to be in our interviews. Just follow these five simple steps to discover the productive New You. You’re welcome.

Buy some baggy and comfortable clothing (think twentieth-century granny/grandpa), with elasticated waistbands that allows for those Christmas excesses (see our fashion advice column for further inspiration). Not only will such attire be more oomfy to work in, but sheer embarssment will stop you leaving your room as often.

Background noise can be distracting. Music might help. A common misconception is that classical music is the best for helping students to focus. Travisty recommends genres such as hip hop and heavy metal. Metallica’s ‘Death Magnetic’ has been proven to accelerate vocabulary learning.

3. Food and drink

Eating healthy tasty food that you enjoy will boost productivity. Rather than suffer through spinach smoothies and celery pots, why not reward the productive New You, and save money at the same time, by taking advantage of the Sainsbury's deal on pringles and chocolate milk?

4. Sleep more (but still get up for 9 AMs)

Self explanatory: fewer nights out, less Netflix, quit rowing.

Stop wasting your time reading rubbish articles.

1. Clothing

2. Music

5. Procrastination

COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK new year, new mead

needed urgently

Work ethic

Must be cheap (willing to pay in pints or VKs)

Second-hand accepted, as long as it’s functioning

Door-to-door delivery would be appreciated

Detailed instruction manual must be provided

wrIte for travISty

Submissions are always welcome! Get in contact with any of the writers, or email an editor at ke297@cam.ac.uk or mec72@cam.ac.uk

We hold Writers’ Groups to discuss ideas every week at 8 PM on Mondays in the JCR, where we provide port and samples of the current Cocktail of the Week.

Get involved.

Method

Keep rainwater for several years. Mix with honey. For a weaker mead, use nine ounces honey. Expose in sun for forty days, and then leave on a shelf near the fire. Boiled spring water may be used as a subsitute for rainwater. ingredients

Something on your mind?

Want to get something off your chest?

In need of some witty and slightly humorous advice?

When you're down and troubled and you need a helping hand... Travisty's Aunty M is here!

Send in your submissions to: agonyaunt.wufoo.co.uk/forms/ travisty-agony-aunt/

cryptic crossWord

Winner: olivia godWin

Congratulations, you've made it back to Trinity for another thrilling term! It has been another fateful weekend before term: The trains were filled with young students who didn’t know each other but all had the same destination. The roads of Cambridge were clogged with disoriented parents who struggled with the one-way streets. If this was your first time making the return journey to Cambridge— don’t worry, this will soon become routine. Here are some of the ways you could have made the trip, plus some inspiration for the future, all in an absolutely biased guide as to what it could say about you:

You arrived in the backseat of a car next to boxes upon boxes of a magically growing pile of personal belongings:

You are a home student. Your choice of effortless travel experience even includes a pair of parents to help you move boxes for free. Since they’re already here, why not let them unpack and set up your room, while you run off to greet your friends? Sounds fantastic, until you are faced with the reality of having to move all of your things back and forth every term without overseas storage. But that’s why practicing your Northern Irish accent will pay off eventually, right?

You met all your best friends in a National Express coach:

“Take the National Express; when your life’s in a mess; it’ll make you smile; all human life is here; from the feeble old dear to the screaming

the homecomIng

Kevin Wang analyses your preferred modes of transport

child…” Please, for the love of yourself, take the train. You’ll thank me later.

You ran into a brick wall at King’s Cross and boarded a train: You were seated next to another returning student you don’t know, but thankfully both of you know the protocol: you plug in your headphones and spend the entire journey checking your phone, careful not to start a conversation and make friends. Welcome back to the UK!

You arrived at London Heathrow Airport:

You likely have a lot of jetlag to fight off. But maybe at least the prospect of spending another two hours on the tube and the train to Cambridge will lift you up? It is a most scenic ride, of which you will spend 30 minutes on the tube without cell signal. It's 2018, how is this still a thing?

You arrived at London Stansted Airport: You likely paid less for your flight than it cost Ryanair to operate it. Congratulations, you have benefitted from large scale social dumping. Be thankful that their planes don’t have the ability to dump fuel as well. Even their charity scratch cards don’t add up: a mathematician from The Other Place recently proved that their 2 for 1 offer does not “double your chances to win.”

You did not have to travel at all: Oh, you poor soul. You never left Cambridge during the holidays, did you? You missed out on navigating the roads with heavy suitcases and stairs that were designed to exhaust you. Instead, you paid extra rent for the privilege of spending Christmas Eve in the library studying for your exams. Your room became vacation storage for all your friends. We feel you.

You arrived in a horse-drawn carriage and became that day’s number one tourist attraction in Cambridge:

Why.

You considered taking a 10-hour train journey with a DB London Saver Fare to dodge the sky-high Eurostar prices. You remembered that Eurostar’s Bob is no longer there to sell you the £4.45 London Eurostar CIV to Cambridge ticket, then got sad and booked a £10 Ryanair flight instead. Upon landing, you decided that you were too smart for the £6.85 train ticket from Stansted Airport to Cambridge when you can buy a ticket from Stansted Mountfitchet via the Airport for £6.75. Upon arrival, you annoyed your friends by scolding them for paying £16.10 for the King’s Cross to Cambridge train, when the same journey can be done on a flexible £5.40 fare from Nottingham to Cambridge via King’s Cross:

Oh, it’s starting to dawn on me that this might just be me...

the economISt

your lent term budget

Arjun Banwait, resident financial adviser, draws up your termly expenses

Having inevitably overspent during Michaelmas with Freshers’ Week, Halloween, and Bridgemas, you may have resolved to maintaining a degree of fiscal responsibility through this term— here’s your recommended budget for Lent term.

Food

Apparently, it’s a necessity. With Hall meals costing approximately £40 each, it seems only reasonable to enjoy the delights of Hall food three times a day, every day—meaning that, for the term, your food bill should come to £7,080.

Snacks

Sitting at your desk reading, writing essays, or solving equations, you might find you also need to work through a pack of digestives or two, or even a few protein bars (though gym membership is a prerequisite for this option). Based on this—and the spread of supervisions throughout the term—it seems only reasonable to allocate £3 per normal day with an additional £20 per supervision bringing the snacking budget to at least £500.

Gym membership

You’ll never go, but at least you can claim you do. £30.

Toiletries and household items

Taking a shower requires leaving your room (unless you’re lucky enough to have an ensuite), meaning for the majority of Mathmos, this may not be a primary concern. However, a certain amount of money needs to be reserved to buy wet wipes—useful for cleaning your room—and tissues—for drying your tears after mock exam results. Realistically, given the absorbance of Sainsbury’s Basic tissues, you’ll need to reserve around £200 for this.

Refreshments

To endure the term, it can be useful to partake in the consumption of cold beverages, such as apple juice, soft drinks and anything else that comes to mind. For this particular aspect of the budget, we recommend at least £250 because there’s nothing better than a cold pint of apple juice to end the day.

Total: £8,060

Petr

Potato wedges

Since the year 1982, all of these have been made in-house from fresh, whole, unpeeled potatoes. The process involves throwing the potatoes up above the frier and slicing them mid-air into thin wedges using a razor-sharp Japanese sword weilded the Head Chef himself. Only a highly experienced swordsman can ensure they fall into the boiling hot oil. Rumour has it, Halfbrick Studios Pty Ltd attempted to sue the catering departement for copyright infringement, pertaining to their game Fruit Ninja. However, following a series of “unfortunate, but notprovably related incidents”, the case was dropped. Some have claimed that every one of Halfbrick’s Intellectual Property lawyers being found with a katana-shaped hole in their hearts cannot be a coincidence, but what do they know?

Besides being tasty, they are very practical. Fixing a wobbly table, propping open a door (although not within Trinity), making sure your truck doesn’t run away while parked at an inclined road, you say it.

Spicy potato wedges

Same as above but spicy. Damn!

Herby diced potatoes

This is a potato dish that has been widely enjoyed since the Roman times, as documented by the full version of the famous quote herba potatoa alea iacta est loosely translated as “herby diced potatoes have been cast [onto the frying pan, apparently]”.

Curly fries

Everybody loves the curly fries. Literally everybody. This anthropological mystery has been haunting the

potatoeS of trInIty

academical grounds for decades now, attracting a lot of spurious theories (like the one attributing this fact to the helical shape of our DNA). Only recently, real progress has been made by the Harvard University [1], which discovered a statistically significant connection between curly fries and everybody's favourite Teletubby, LaaLaa.

So next time you're feeling down, we'd just like to let you know, it's OK to stick one of these up on the top of your head and play with a yellow ball, spill some custard or refuse to go to the bed just yet.

[1] Kleinman, A. et al 2017. Twisted Connection: Social and anthropological analysis of the prevalence of curly shape in the modern north-Atlantic region. Current Anthropology 22:727–732. Fries/chips

So fries are the thin ones and chips are the thick ones... No wait! Sorry, it's the other way: chips are the thick ones and fries are the thin ones. That's it. Oh no, did I say the same, just in reverse order? I meant... Ehm.

No one actually knows which ones are which; there is no way how to find out and we will all live and die haunted by the fact we don't know the answer to this question.

Duchess potatoes

The only potato dish famous enough to have its own emoji. (You might object that there is also the fries emoji, but that is not the fries emoji, that is the chips emoji, but there is no such thing as chips, because… AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Also, did you know how this dish was invented? The Duchess was too fed up with the Duke but couldn’t hold it in anymore. Haha, do you get it? Did you get it?? Hold it in. Ha ha. Classic!

Noisette potatoes

Just as soybeans offer an alternative to dairy products for those lactose intolerant, noisette potatoes bring the joy of eating hazelnuts to those with a nut allergy. They might not be as crunchy as the real thing, but they sure are delicious.

Croquette potatoes/croquettes

HA! Catering department busted! These two are actually the same dish with just the name changed slightly. So there are not 27 types of the potato dish, there is only 26! (To be honest, that’s still a shit-tonne.)

They both describe a deep-fried potato mash, moulded in a way originally described by an overly complicated mathematical formula that the editorial team couldn't work out how to recreate using their publication software at 5 AM earlier today.

It's a cylinder. If you didn’t find this description too rounded it’s only because you’re looking at it from a wrong angle.

Sauté potatoes

Not everybody can be a millionaire but you can sure feel like one with a full plate or—if they manage to run out of plates and start using more extraordinary serving dishes—a full pot of these gold coins. This potato choice was introduced to commemorate the tragedy of the 1840s Irish potato famine, so next time you eat these, please spend a moment before the meal to reflect on the tragic consequences of religious oppression and monocultural, single potato variety, agricultural production.

Lyonnaise potatoes

Same as the above, with the addition of Trinity’s favourite vegetable: onion. Best enjoyed alongside onion filo pastry and roasted red onions, topped with a generous ladleful of onion gravy.

Doležal, Travisty’s leading food critic, enlightens you with an insight into Trinity’s potatoes

Dauphinoise potatoes

If you’re a Bourgeois, Havin a boiled Tortoise, Please add some Dauphinoise And drink some red Beaujolais To achieve Equipoise. (No two of the above lines actually rhyme.)

To those of you complaining about how useless this guide actually is: you are first reminded that no two of the above lines actually rhyme. These are those potato slices boiled in cream that they sometimes serve.

Gratin Dauphinoise

It’s the meal above but gone crème brûlée (or Trinity burnt cream if you may). I.e., “We burn it a bit on the top and name it differently."

Roast potatoes

Yes, these potatoes are prepared in an oven. But the name of the dish actually comes from the numerous insults these potatoes are subjected to because the kitchen staff hate working on a Sunday.

Papas arrugadas

No wonder they use this very fancy Spanish name in the menu when the literal direct English translation is “wrinkly potatoes”. Euw! Despite the not so great name, the dish—prepared in a highly salted water following the traditional recipe of Spanish great-grandmothers (true experts on wrinkliness)—is actually quite nice.

Mashed potatoes

When you were young a part of you wanted to be a dancer, a singer, a painter, simply an artist. Going wherever you're imagination led you. But then you started doubting yourself, and others: friends, teachers, parents, only fed that doubt. “Of course you won't be an artist; that's a foolish career and besides you aren't talented enough,” they would say. And so you applied to university, to become that lawyer, scientist, or engineer.

But don't forget, that small piece of artist is still in there. Never suppress it. Cultivate it. You might not be Picasso or Dali but nobody can tell you that that mashed potato whale with a pea instead of an eye, or that mashed potato castle, or that gravy volcano isn’t good enough. Trust yourself. They are beautiful. Because they've been made with creativity and love and that's what matters. Mashed potato always has your back.

Chive mash

Somebody once accidentally dropped a chunk of mashed potatoes on grass. That somebody also scraped the remnants of it and put them back on the plate. That’s the whole origin story of chive mash. No fancy chefs working in a food lab, just a simple cock-up.

Potatoes

Yes, that’s actually on the menu and if you’re a true hardcore potato dish fan you must love this one. 100% plain, boiled potatoes. That’s it. Nothing weird. Nothing special. Just plain ol’ taters.

Parsley potatoes

Boiled potatoes enhanced in colour thanks to this magical herb. Sage, rosemary and thyme not found. Evolves from potatoes at Level 16.

Parsley and butter potatoes

Yet another ingredient in the mix. Evolves from parsley potatoes at Level 36 but only using a Moon Stone.

Sweet potato fries

Okay, I agree, technically it's not a potato dish and it doesn't necessarily have the right to be treated like one. But sometimes, when we reach out, when we try to see what we have in common rather than what divedes us, and when we give someone a chance, they will not fail us: we might instead discover they can become more than any other potato dish ever could. And we will forever remember the day when we've made the choice that wasn't the

easy one, but was the right one. New potatoes/new potatoes with parsley/roasted

new potatoes

You might think that cooking these dishes already mentioned above, just with new potatoes instead of the standard “old” ones, is a very obvious choice and shouldn’t need to be pointed out separately. I can’t agree more. In our age it is. But it wasn’t always like this...

Since the University was founded in the 13th century, for more than six centuries only “old” potato dishes had been served. Only after that, in 1869, did some colleges start to serve dishes made from new potatoes. Trinity itself introduced new potatoes to its menu as late as 1976 and it took another year for the new potatoes to be served at the high table, in 1977.

In the present day, new potato dishes are as frequent across the university as “old” ones. But it is necessary to say that this statistic is not universal across all colleges and it is highly influenced by some colleges that decided to serve new potatoes only. Trinity itself, for example, is quite behind, with only about third of the potato dishes in Hall being made using new potatoes and even less, 17%, of the High Table meals.

Minted new potatoes

Would you rather have a Mojito or a potato dish? If you’re ever asked this question, this is the answer.

Pan-fried new potatoes

To someone who is just a boring grown-up living a grown-up life and doing grown-up things all the time, these will look like roast potatoes. But if you still have the adventurous mind of a child, you can see the difference, the speck of fairy dust, the magic of Neverland, only visible to a pair of curious young eyes.

new year’S fIreworkS

from around the world

Megan Crane reports on some of the world’s most notorious fireworks displays

London

Length: 12 minutes.

Cost: £1.8 million.

Positives: The soundtrack was dominated by female artists, to celebrate the centenary of women being granted the right to vote. Hearts filled with joy to hear the return of the legends that are Big Ben’s bongs.

Negatives: It cost £10 to stand on the street. Does anyone actually know the words to Auld Lang Syne?

Sydney

Length: 12 minutes.

Cost: £4 million.

Positives: The display featured a rainbow tribute to the nation’s historic same-sex marriage vote. One minute of the display was designed by Hugh Jackman.

Negatives: Eleven minutes of the display weren’t designed by Hugh Jackman.

New York

Length: The famous crystal ball takes 60 seconds to descend to the ground, followed by a 12-minute firework display.

Cost: £3 million.

Positives: Confetti!!! Free scarves!! Free handwarmers!!

Negatives: Very, very cold (-12°C). Crowded (over one million people were watching from the streets).

Rio

Length: 17 minutes (remember it’s quality not quantity, President Temer).

Cost: Undisclosed (probably quite a lot).

Positives: People were able to watch from the beach. Free samba instruction was on offer throughout the night.

Negatives: Hundreds of drones filmed the display. Oh, how 2018.

Dubai LED Light Display

Length: 7 minutes.

Cost: Who knows.

Positives: No loud noises. Broke a world record (for the largest laser light show on a single building—niche).

Negatives: No fireworks. Wannabe edgy. Let down.

get fIt QuIck

Hello fitness enthusiasts, FaT members, and other kinds! I am sure like me you all can’t wait to share your great New Year’s fitness regime that you upheld almost religiously over the winter vacation. To kick you off, here is mine:

Morning:

1. Run to shower because it's too cold to walk.

2. Exercise in the shower to warm up the water.

3. Perform quick shuffles with the towel to warm down.

Afternoon:

1. Clench your biceps to carry your laptop from your bed to your desk.

2. Wrist exercise: open your notepad, close your notepad. Three sets, eight reps.

3. When reading don’t move your head. This trains your eye muscles.

Evening:

1. Clench your biceps in order to carry your laptop from your desk to your bed.

2. Humanities student:

- Exercise essay writing (50 words is good for the evening if you don’t eat after 6 pm)

STEM student:

- Exercise computing (email writing will suffice if tired).

3. Perform 10 turnarounds in your bed to build up the core. Try not to use hands.

Additionally, speak freely to exercise your right to free speech.

That’s it! A nice and simple routine that gives you the balance between work and fitness you need to be happy and have a high self-esteem! Don’t forget: a healthy diet for a healthy mind!

Fedor Misyura presents his highly informative guide to working off those Christmas pounds

Outside Great Gate

• Bit of an outsider

• Always the focus of a lot of unwanted attention

• Needs some love and affection

whIch trInIty

“keep off the graSS” SIgn are you?

Muhammad Manji helps you find your sign

Great Court: Porters’ Lodge

• Close to authority, will call the porters on you

• Never breaks the rules, even if nobody’s watching

• Deep down, wants to see the world burn

Great Court: Hall side

• Always hungry, never says no to curly fries

• Likes to be the centre of everything

• Always needs to be carried out of formal hall

Angel Court

• Not as tall as they would like to be

• Very fond of Freshers

• Always found at a bar with a pint in hand

Scholars’ Lawn

• Thinks they have a rugged aesthetic

• Always does better than you in exams and makes sure you know

• Low-key lives in the library

New Court

• Keeps up with the latest fashion trends

• Never replies to messages and blames bad WiFi

• Thinks nobody notices their fake tan

what’S on In cambrIdge?

Mina Frost gives her worldly avice on how to procrastinate

Your not-quite-biweekly digest of the hundreds of things that occur in our beloved bubble, all chosen to suit your New Year’s resolutions!

in trinity:

Trinity Pink Week Formal – 1st February: book your tickets now through UPay Chilli to enjoy a meal based around the colour pink, with proceeds going to breast cancer charities! Your New Year's Resolutions says to eat less Maccies, right?

outside of college:

Rudie—1st February, 10pm, Fez: Get your tickets for an alternative club night featuring Ganjalar Fever, Liam James and Fat Frog—with all proceeds going to Jimmy's Cambridge! Have fun in a charitable way, what's not to love?

French Society CinéClub—L'Argent de Poche by François Truffaut—3rd of February, 7pm, Grad Union: Come along to a free screening of a French classic (there will be English subtitles)! How long have you been telling yourself to practise your French??

The Oresteia—Runs from 30th January to 3rd February, ADC Theatre, 7.45pm—Greek Tragedy is a must if you want to sound cultivated. Plus, the overview reads: “To war: the husband has been sent. For war: a daughter has been sacrificed. At home: the wife wants revenge.” That's basically Hollyoaks 500 years BC!

weather forecaSt

caMbridge city centre

In yet another magnificent pathetic fallacy, Cambridge weather has brilliantly managed to mirror the collective mood of students returning for a new term—morose, bleak, and dreary. The sky will be pouring empathetic tears when considering the amount of work that you have left to do. The sunshine is decidedly absent—I have emailed Bill Withers’ agents to ask when they expect the woman from the song to get back, will update you all with the answer.

aries

You’re going to find a new favourite piece of clothing! You’ll take it around to all your friends; “Look!” you’ll say! “The stitching!” you’ll exclaim! “The colours!” you’ll cry! “Why is it so beautiful?” you’ll cry! “I’ve never seen anything this beautiful” you’ll cry. “I’ll never be this beautiful” you’ll cry. You’ll cry. You’ll cry.

taurus

You, Mr Jeremy Edwards, of 6 Oak Road, Ely, fuck you. The stars, the literal entire universe, are telling you personally to fuck off.

geMini

This is your year, Virgo. Follow your dreams. If you can see it, then you can be it! If you just believe it, there’s nothing to it. Strap on those homemade wings, take a running leap. I believe you can fly.

cancer

Now folks, we’ve had a lot of fun here at Travisty tonight, but now if you’ll permit me I’d like to say something on a more serious note. Pink Week is coming up and we at Travisty would like to encourage you to get involved and spread awareness of breast cancer. Breast cancer can affect anyone: female, male and non-binary; soothsayers and Muggles; Taurus, Libra, and all signs alike.

leo

The Visitor approaches. He will find you, in the guise of a friend. He will hold out his hand. You must not take it. “Predrinks,” he will rasp, his eyes unfocused and his palm sweaty. Do not go with him. He will lean in close to you, his breath cold on your ear. “I got queue jump for Cindies,” he will whisper. The Visitor is silver-tongued. The Visitor must not be trusted.

Travisty’s very own Professor Trelawney reads your stars

virgo

Virgo, this week brings many opportunities to practice introspection and self-improvement. Embrace your flaws and love yourself for them, for only through that love will you overcome them. Why not pick one aspect of yourself every day to improve? Here, I’ll help you start: You're a bit scruffy. Like not terrible, you're OK, but an extra couple of minutes on your appearance would make a big difference. Maybe do something about your nose hair.

libra

Libra, you’ve made a great start to the New Year! You look fantastic, you’re a pleasure to be around, and your mind is a fountain of wit and intellect. It’s time to give yourself the credit you deserve—2018 isn’t gonna know what hit it.

scorpio

In the culture your beloved mystic grew up in, cold winds are seen as harbingers of difficult change— and this month you’ve felt no shortage of those. You find yourself approaching an end, Scorpio. But remember that goodbye, though heart-wrenching, is a tonic. Ready yourself for the future by settling the past and you’ll be all the more ready to embrace it. Seriously, don’t run for re-election, Toby.

sagittarius

Sagittarius, I’d love to tell you what’s going to happen to you this week, but it seems that over the break the Cambridge University Sagittarius Union (CUSU) voted to disaffiliate from the zodiac! So I’m afraid I’m legally prohibited from telling you your fortune in this issue. Shame, really, yours was a hum-dinger. A truly terrific tour de force of fate. If you really want it I guess you’ll have to disaffiliate from CUSU! Get the word out. #disaffiliate

capricorn

You’re going to have some bad dreams. You will wake up in the night, dripping with sweat, and catch a fleeting glimpse of a figure at the foot of your bed, peering out of your half-open cupboard door, hiding behind the curtain. You’ll try to lie back, to slow your breathing and convince yourself it was only your imagination. That’s a good idea, but would you do me a favour? Just shout “Barry, go home, your mum’s worried sick.” Thanks a bunch, he gets hangry when he’s out too long.

aquarius

Look, Aquarius, you’re a nice fellow and all, but I can’t shake the feeling that you’ve got a problem with me. See, all I do is try and interpret the unknowable will of the cosmos on a semi-regular basis to the best of my ability, for your sake, to help YOU. Go get your fortunes somewhere else if you want, buy a fortune cookie, I don’t care. But FYI, I went to divination school with the guy who makes them, and you should know he doesn’t wash his hands.

pisces

The universe has a secret for you. To unlock it just shout the three digit security code from your debit card.

one-lInerS

I reSolve to...

Weekly hot takes from Travisty’s writers alexander chaMberlain

Actually send the editors my one-liners in future, so they don't have to invent one the night before printing.

arjun banWait

Actually send the editors my one-liners in future, so they don't have to invent one the night before printing.

harry Metrebian

Actually send the editors my one-liners in future, so they don't have to invent one the night before printing.

fedor Misyura

Make friends.

joe court

Ditch this rag for Varsity.

jovan poWar

Take better care of my body. Probably get it embalmed: it’s starting to stink up the basement.

kereM ergene

Make people understand the meaning of “ one -liner”.

kevin Wang

Never pay more for a flight than it costs an airline to fly me..

Megan crane

To be honest, I’m not really a New-Year’s-Resolution kind of person. I’m more a get-really-motivated-tochange-my-whole-life-at-three-in-themorning-on-a-Thursday-in-March kind of person.

Mina frost

Don’t get offended by Travisty writers’ ideas at committee meetings. Make Travisty more ethical.

No more plugging my own events in the What’s On section.

No more strike-through jokes. Be more realistic.

MuhaMMad Manji

Hand articles in on time.

petr doležal Eat more potatoes.

toby henley sMith

Actually send the editors my one-liners in future, so they don't have to invent one the night before printing.