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TRAVISTY
floreat pica
TRINITY’S NEW INTERVIEW PROCESS ANNOUNCED The Undergraduate Admissions Office has announced that, as an emergency cost-cutting measure, it will be testing out a radical new system this year which is hoped will one day replace interviews. Candidates who make it through the preliminary selection process will be asked to rate their academic ability on a scale of one to ten; the highest scorers will be allocated places to begin study in October.
before. It’s so simple, it has to work,” said a Fellow who wished to remain nameless. “About fucking time, not talking to any more of these fucking kids unless I have to,” slurred a Fellow in the bar whose name he had difficulty recalling.
If successful, the system will subsequently be trialed on the auditions for next year’s May Ball entertainment, the plan being to refer acts with the “I’m really not sure why we haven’t thought of this lowest self-regard to John’s instead.
TRINITY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF TRANSFER WINDOW
In a press conference earlier this week, Trinity Admissions Officer Sylvia Schuyler has confirmed that Trinity is looking to make several “big signings” as the transfer window nears its close. This news follows reports of increasing pressure on students, arising from CamCORS reports and January mocks.
“Emmanuel may have fallen off the radar a little recently, but they’re in the quarter finals of University Challenge now. While I have no doubt we’ll be able to deal with anything they can throw at us, we need to remain prepared.
“The best way of doing this is to make those big Sylvia Schuyler, who has been managing Trinity’s signings. We can’t be afraid to splash out—it’s what Admissions process since the early 19th century, Manchester City have done and it’s clearly worked has announced her intentions to use the mid-season for them. window to her advantage. “We have the money; it’s time we invest it in our “Yes, it’s true that we’ve been top of the Tompkins students, not tax-evading fossil fuel corporations.” Table since 2011, but we can’t allow for another em- Trinity are expected to place their bid for former barrassing slip up like 2010: that was a dark year. University Challenge finalist Eric Monkman by the end of Week 1.
Interview Special featuring ron & toby henley smith
RON EDGES LEAD IN POLLS