Issue No 32
Thursday 27th January 2011
The Independent Trinity Newspaper since 2007
Farewell From Your editor 2
Alice Goodman on Marriage 7
EXCLUSIVE: William & Kate: The Wedding Royal Commemorative Edition
The most high profile marriage since Preston and Chantelle has finally arrived: yesterday, His Royal Highness Prince William of Wales and the titleless Kate Middleton were wed in their cosy local church, Westminster Abbey. The intimate ceremony was
Itâ€™s reigning men! Amen.
attended by the royal family, several of the more upmarket paparazzi and incontinent corgis aplenty, though notable in their absence were Miss Middletonâ€™s parents: mother Carole was busy serving peanuts on the 13:40 to Malaga while father Michael was presumably
Continued Overleaf... Kindly sponsored by
2 IN BRief
Thursday 27th January 2011 travisty.co.uk
working on a farm or down a mine. The royals appeared to be in high spirits, seemingly having come to terms with Wills’ choice of Katie from the block. HRH Elizabeth II ‘described the ceremony as “really quite alright” before enquiring if I had come far,’ an inside source revealed. ‘And apparently Camilla had just gotten back from Kate’s hen night, still plastered,’ he went on. ‘I asked her to dish the dirt, but she was too busy picking straw out of her teeth. Charles kept topping up her nosebag with Duchy oats, which didn’t help matters.’ Before he could divulge more, our Most Reverend and Right Honourable source had to dash off for a nearby christening.
William’s stepbrother Prince Harry arrived in clothing other than fascist regalia, to the general relief of the wedding party and disappointment of Prince Philip, who went on to describe the bride as “sehr gut”. All that remains is to wish the happy couple a lifetime of happiness together and to present Kate with a morsel of advice: as mothers on both sides of the family would remind you, “please keep your seatbelt fastened at all times”.
Overheard in Trinity... >> Which SCENEster appears to have a love/hate relationship with a welfaring young chap? >> Two freshers have taken a lead from George Michael. No, they haven’t been crashing into Snappy Snaps, but they have been spending a little too long in the toilet... >> We are sad to report, in wake of the Royal Engagement, that several Trinitarian freshers no longer abide by the conventional laws of monogamy. Great Scot!
One Final Letter from the Editor Readers & Friends, And so, my wonderful fellow Trinitarians, this letter marks my final edition of Travisty before I step aside for a younger, better looking model. I do hope you have enjoyed my tenure as Editor; I sure as hell have enjoyed steering the Travisty ship into somewhat more shallow waters. I have had continual wonderful feedback from my peers since I took Editorship with Travisty’s ‘irreverent humor-with-a-heart’ theme and I believe this edition is more of the same. This ‘Royal Wedding Commemorative Edition’ features our wonderful cut-out-and-keep Royal Photo, and I do hope you enjoy trying to identify the various members of the ‘fam’. I will be leaving Travisty in very capable hands with incoming Editor, the wonderful Freya Berry, with Ben Weisz as the returning Deputy-Editor. We also welcome Nick Morrison as Features Editor who, I am quite sure, will continue to amuse with his boundary pushing humour.
So that’s it from me, farewell all. LONG LIVE TRAVISTY.
Thursday 27th January 2011 travisty.co.uk
Sausage Rolls & Sceptres A Royal Wedding in Austere Times Freya Berry
Fond of a Prawn Ring
Heads up, peasants! Silence your scythes and put down those wenches. For the royal wedding is approaching! Prince William and the one with the nice hair are to be joined in aristocratic matrimony, but in awareness of these hard times a little downsizing may be required. Times are as tight as Fergie’s purse strings. Thus, we at Travisty recommend the following wedding plans for their careful consideration: 1. Let Them Eat Cake (And Sausage Rolls and Party Rings And Pineapple Sticks) In the wake of the shocking revelation of Jordan and the Reidinator’s separation, a commemoration of Ms Price’s own tasteful weddings would be in order to ‘get down with people’. Thus, out with the tweed, and in with the velour sweatpants and pink dresses so large a corgi could get lost in them. Vows must finish with the word ‘innit’. Jason Derulo will provide the entertainment, merely singing his own name repeatedly till
would be much more in keeping with the times. Prince Charles will provide the entertainment and Hamlet-esque catharsis in the haunted house, wailing about organic food and the irony of waiting for one’s mum to die before getting a proper job. The menu will consist of hot dogs and vol-au-vents, providing a timely chance for Prince Phillip to make inappropriate jokes. Chelsy Davy and Kate will ‘jokingly’ bash each other repeatedly at the dodgems, as Kate yells cryptically ‘It’s miiiine biyaaaatch!!’ Afterwards, Chelsy will set up a stall selling vajazzles of all varieties to draw attention away from her defeat. And the remainder of Wills’ hair will blow off on the rollercoaster. 3. That’s why Royals go to Iceland As a classy option, a masquerade ball could be considered. Masks and ball gowns will be worn. Occurrences will include Pippa, Kate’s sister, trying to masquerade as Kate by hiding behind a lacy mask as the vows are said. This would work because the only thing people recognise about Kate is her hair anyway. Later, tequila sunrises and sex on the beaches (sexes on the beach? Sexes on the beaches? What exactly is the plural anyway?) will be served. In a sneaky attempt at appearing to cut costs, the accent from ‘canapé’ is removed from the menu, so the guests now dine on canapes. Those sound well common. The event would be sponsored by Iceland, and feature Kerry Katona in a mask with her own face on it, as she would not want to run the risk of anyone not recognising her. So there we have it, Wills old chap. As soon as you make your selection, do let us know. We expect free tickets, mini sausage rolls and vajazzles all round.
someone bangs him on the head to shut up. The Queen would of course be in the corner, growing merry on sherry and giving raunchy two-piece tips to Princess Beatrice. Kate’s mum would act as dinner lady, reviving her air hostess outfit of old and doling out the mini sausage rolls and those nasty pink wafers; and Fergie will empty the biscuit ‘n’ crisp buffet by shoving all the party rings into her voluminous Mulberry handbag. Phillip will, of course, do very little. 2. Theme, Theme, Theme Alternatively, a themed party reception would be just the thing to keep national spirits up. No Harry, no Nazis this time. Yes, last time it was such giggles, but this year we feel a funfair party
>> Hall Looking a lot smarter, bigger and Hogwarts-er since the servery moved next door. The darkness is also mildly alluring, and breakfast now lasts until lunch. Unofficially. >> Being Human Back on BBC3. If Twilight makes you feel old and True Blood makes you feel sexually inadequate, this is the supernatural fix you’ve been missing. Robson Green joins the cast; Lenora Crichlow is still doubly dead; Aidan Turner is still smokin’.
>> Afterlife at the Fitzwilliam A small gallery at the tail-end of the Dutch room houses an impressive exhibition of prints by some of Britain’s most noted artists, including the Chapman brothers and Marc Quinn. The dead insects are particularly cool. Until 8th May. >> Epiphany Non Resolutions We all know that our New Year’s Resolutions aren’t enforceable until the start of Lent, when unease becomes genuine guilt. This year, Lent starts on the 9th of March. Party on. >> Baby Beckham NameWatch One socially-minded classicist is putting her money on Alexander Mouret McQueen if it’s a boy and Los Angeles Coco Chanel if it’s a girl. The Travisty team anticipates a traditional name followed by a rocker, a fashionista and a saint. The current favourites are Herbert Bono Erdem Wenceslaus and Julia Beyoncé Roksanda Anne.
Thursday 27th January2011 travisty.co.uk
Sassy Gay Friend Telling you how it is...
Greetings loved ones, And a very happy new year to you. My conversations are always made significantly easier by New Year, as most people can find at least one thing interesting thing that happened to talk about, so I don’t have to bore myself senseless asking people how they are, or as I prefer, ‘How’s it going’. I really couldn’t give a damn that you got dumped or that their cat died at the age of 23. It is so difficult being popular. On the subject of New Year, I thought I would use my column to talk a bit about my resolutions, as the homophobes that run this magazine won’t let me be listed as a regular contributor. They are as follows: Singlehandedly campaign for the legalization of homosexuality in Tonga. Find a non-surgical solution to my oversized-nostril problem. Become a world class expert in the ancient martial art of Shuai-Jiao Be Kate Middleton’s Maid of Honour. Speaking of royal weddings, Sassy has some friends inside the royal household (natch) who have given some juice about the big day. So, apparently Kate is kitting the bridesmaids out in dresses based on Bjork’s 2001 ‘Swan’ Oscars gown with orange fascinators to match the colour of the beaks. That is so fetch. Miss Middleton’s family will be providing the champagne. If by providing you mean serving to guests as waiters. Finally, Eugenie is said to be lending Kate her makeup in order to keep the budget down, and Travisty can exclusively reveal that the lipgloss colour will be ‘Bubblegum Babe’, a very exclusive shade that was only on sale for one month, in September 2002. As the free gift in Mizz magazine. Meanwhile in Trinity... Christmas Holidays clearly suit some people, as Sassy has been very impressed with the talent displayed in the first week back. A particular highlight is the rapid growing up of a certain someone who used to serve us potatoes. It all feels very The Talented Mr Ripley. Whilst we’re talking about potatoes, the new servery has opened (Joy Unbounded!) and Sunday timetables are now officially (ish) devised around the necessity of Brunch from 11 till 2 and Carvery from 6 till 8. With wine. At both. Before I go gallivanting once more I have this left to say: TCSU elections and changeover Burrell’s are coming up very very shortly, so start preparing outfits, because I sense mayhem in my waters. Peace. SGF x
Thursday 27th January 2011 travisty.co.uk
The Witches of Sidgwick rosie lintott
home counties correspondant
I have an uneasy relationship with Topshop, not because of Sir Philip Green’s tax allergy, or even because of the nasty fabrics they use in their bras, but because of the startling conformity of their ‘alternative’ clothes. Perhaps fourteenyear-olds in leggings, lumberjack shirts and faux-fur batwing cape/coats don’t get the sartorial credit they deserve, but one has to wonder: alternative to what? Lace bodysuits, carrot-leg stonewashed jeans and a cloche? Che-face slashedarm tank tops and floral bodycon skirts? Although... No. I generally have a problem with people using their clothes as an expression of how interesting they are, unless they’re Anna Piaggi, in which case – fair enough. In the 2008 film The Class, a teacher in a tough Paris comprehensive has his students stand up and talk about identity. He is brusque with the Goth who tells him that he wears black to show he is sad, suggesting that by dressing as he does the boy is manufacturing a mood that has more to do with his friends than a desire for expression. My experience of emo dress politics is limited. However, I will admit that I have launched a Sidgwick T**twatch, now in its fourth term and going strong. Anyone wearing velvet knickerbockers with matching stockings, an evening dress with a leather jacket, and so on, makes the list – and merits a text to Sassy Gay Friend. You may think that this enterprise exists only because I am grumpy and boringly dressed. You are probably right. I also don’t have the figure for jodhpurs and a crop top. Nonetheless, I am not opposed on principle to ‘alternative’ dressing.
The Travisty Committee
Editor.....................Jason Ehrhart Deputy Editor.............Ben Weisz Webmaster.......................Bo Tian Secretary..................Rosie Lintott Overseas Editor.....Chris Deacon
Tilda Swinton always looks incredible. At this year’s Golden Globes, she wore a Jil Sander white shirt/ cream skirt combo with no makeup and was exquisite. In the past she has worn metallic jackets and seriously asymmetric velvet by Lanvin. In my Oscar dreams (I’m nominated for Best Foreign Film, natch) I eschew Vera Wang fishtail gowns and Valentino goddess dresses, opting instead for something a bit, but just a bit, different by Etro or Shanghai Tang Imperial Tailoring, something in the grey area between Sidgwick T**twatch and Nicole Kidman. Dodgy clothes choices have nothing to do with ‘dressing for one’s shape’ since no one really suits wetlook jumpsuits with mesh panels. They are increasingly a vehicle for letting the world know just how cool and ironic one is, which probably explains the Peter Pan collar count at Sidgwick. It’s also unfortunate, as a genuinely kooky friend of mine noted, that nice things like cardigans and red lipstick have become inextricably linked to being cool. Honestly, I like Fair Isle knit, have done since I was six and will until I’m fifty six and menopausal and have to wear breathable fabrics. I feel rather rueful when it’s paired with purple plusfours, white undercut hair and pony skin brogues. On the plus side, sooner or later kookiness may fall out of fashion (or post-fashion, or whatever it’s called) and girls will go back to dressing like they’re from Spain. Looking alternative is such an effort. While you’re applying your liquid eyeliner, I’d better start learning Danish.
This Issue’s Contributors Jenni Heeks Nick Morrison Oli Crawford Ethan Verrall Vicky Spence
Alice Goodman Rosie Lintott Ben Weisz Freya Berry
What’s Not >> Vacation Work Cramp You know when you watch telly in your pyjamas non-stop for four weeks? When you invent a drinks trolley pulley system so you don’t miss a moment of valuable viewing time? When you begin to mistake Lisa Edelstein for your own mother? Yes? That’s why you can’t hold a pen any more. >> The Cold Unpredictable and extremely difficult to gauge out of the window. One day you’re flitting about in flip-flops and a light sweater. The next, you’re in ski jacket and duvet, fighting off hypothermia. How can we make it to the library if to undertake the journey is to risk frostbite?
>> Money Oh, hello VAT. Why yes, I have got plenty of cash lying about. No, of course I don’t need it for anything. What’s that? Up to 20%, you say? What a fantastic idea! >> BBC3 Apart from the aforementioned Being Human and reruns of Matt Smith’s Doctor Who, programming is looking a bit lacklustre this spring. Not that Ready Steady Drink doesn’t sound like an inspired, hard-hitting documentary. It’s the difficulty of choosing between that, Most Annoying People 2010 and Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents. I suppose I could always try and work...
Thursday 27th January 2011 travisty.co.uk
A Complete Balls Up
Ball in a chinashop
THE TAB: SEXI LABRAMS This month Cambridge will be rocked by the predictable scampering of posers and wannabes to get they’re hands on ticket’s for Trinities May Ball. Undoubtedly between then and now, everyone who is anyone (well, anyone who is lame enough to know a Trinity Mathmo) will be scurrilously, salaciously and antidisestablishmentarianally panicking about there dresses speculating about which smorgasboard of bands and entertainment the Trinity College May Ball Mafia have paid over the odds for. We can’t all be Johnian It-Girls, after all. Well I’m fed up of it all by now. I don’t give a f*%@# if Trinity have doubled thair firework budget, or how much champain and oysters the up-themselves playboys will be scoffing. Who needs nine hours of world-class entertainment, anyway, when you’ve got drunk commoners or democratic protesters to laugh at? Everyone knows people only go to the ball to be seen or to look like a socialite/socialist (NOTE TO ED: please delete as aporpirate – correct my spelling properly this time, I’m fed up of all the Pitt Club boys offering to ‘punctuate my semicolon’ on the message boreds.) They’re not fooling me. I’m Sexi Labrams! I can have fun without “the best party in the world!” I know where I’ll be on Monday 20th June, and it won’t be at Trin-shit-y.
Scandal at ‘Elitist’ Trinity May Ball A. Jobsworth reports The revelation that Trinity May Ball will charge a similar amount of money as it did last year was revealed this month, and has caused outcry amongst socially-responsible Cantabrigians. The £250 cost of a double ticket was described as ‘outrageous’ by somebody or other, while one other person might have once gone as far as to label it ‘despicable’. Possibly. CUSU’s Ethical Affairs Busybody, Norma Schtitz of Newnham, also hit out at plans to provide hundreds of guests with the finest entertainment, food and drink the world has to offer. “Quite apart from the fact that all but those who can afford it will be able to afford it, CUSU roundly condemns Trinity’s plans to serve guests with champagne, oysters and provide ballroom dancing. Everyone knows that these are things only
posh people are allowed to enjoy, and to suggest otherwise is grossly elitist.” An aloof and possibly fascist spokesperson for Trinity May Ball could only manage the following in reply: “Trinity May Ball is the best party in the world, and that needs to be paid for somehow. All may balls in Cambridge charge their guests similar amounts, and really, £250 can easily be saved by having 2 drinks fewer each week. It’s not unreasonable. Besides, this year some of the ticket price is going to charity.” Many, however, refuse to be convinced.
ULTRA-POSH Magdelene College have decided conventional music is too passé, and will be laying on a MEGA-SWANKY Ukulele Orchestra for their guests... ...meanwhile, REALLY-UP-THEMSELVES St John’s were left with egg on their faces, after it was leaked to the press that their headline act will be Kerry Katona...in the Frozen Food Tent... ...SUPER-COOL Jesus, ...known for their scenester appeal, have taken cliquey cool to the next level, and have... booked an artist so ...far... from mainstream that... not even ...the Ents Officer ...knows who they are... ...finally, SLIGHTLY-SHIT Newnham June Event will be laying on MASSIVELY-OVERPRICED free cocktails... plus-ones beware, they’ll be laced with a secret ingredient... EXCESSIVELY-RAPEY rohypnol...it’ll be just like one of their HEAVINGLY-HORMONAL swaps...
OPINION: Janet Coronation-Street So the toffs and boffs up in Cambridge are throwing yet another bender? (Saves throwing him in the river, I suppose!) What a surprise! Students today don’t know how lucky they are. They doss around on YOUR taxpayers’ money, before spending billions of it EVERY YEAR on babes, booze and balls! David Cameron’s plan to lock them all up and make them work for nothing for a year before studying would do them the world of good! Finest young minds in the country?!?!? You’ve gotta be kidding me! I didn’t get to where I am today by wasting my life at a “reputable university” studying a “worthwhile subject” and getting a “degree” – the sooner we stop funding such luxuries for these SLACKERS the better. If Winston Churchill could see the decadence and sheer quantity of unauthorised fun these so-called students are having at their “May Balls,” he’d be turning in his grave. And quite rightly!
Disclaimer: The above satirical comments in no way represent the views of any real person or media outlet. Well, not really.
Thursday 27th January 2011 travisty.co.uk
Travisty’s New Year’s Resolutions Jason Ehrhart: To find myself a job that pays at least 30k, using any means necessesary. And I mean any. Rosie Lintott: This year is the centenary of the birth of Władysław Szpilman. I intend to learn Chopsticks without swearing, crying or breaking a nail.
Rob Young: My New Year’s Resolution is to gain weight. I have bought Mary Byrne’s ‘Eat Yourself Fat (With Potatoes)’ and am constantly re-watching Big Momma’s House 2 for hilarious tips from Martin Lawrence. Jenni Heeks: To get myself some straight male friends.
Ben Weisz: To start smoking. That way, I’ll have something worth quitting in 2012.
Vicky Spence: To one day make it the whole way up the stairs to my room without needing to sit down and recover...
Freya Berry: To pretend to have better taste in music.
Bo Tian: My new year’s resolution is to learn to play the guitar.
Nick Morrison: To get round to binning that grey ski sock...
Our Chaplain, Alice Goodman’s take on Holy Matrimony Alice Goodman Legend
When the bullet-headed Bishop of Willesden announced on his Facebook Wall that he gave the marriage of Prince William and Kate Middleton ‘seven years’, even his 1,069 admiring Facebook Friends were taken aback. As the news spread, Fairtrade coffee hit the computer screens throughout the Church of England. You just do not say that kind of thing. You do not even think it. ‘I give it seven years’ belongs with ‘Cot-death—I see it coming!’ at a christening or ‘Heaven? You must be joking!’ at a funeral. And so the Bishop of London (a Trinity man) gave the Bishop of Willesden a fortnight on the naughty step while the Archbishop of Canterbury devoted a section of his Christmas sermon to this: “It is certainly cause for celebration that any couple, let alone this particular couple, should want to embark on the adventure of Christian marriage, because any and every Christian marriage is a sign of hope, since it is a sign and sacrament of God’s own committed love. “And it would be good to think that in this coming year, we, as a society, might want to think through, carefully and imaginatively, why lifelong faithfulness and the mutual surrender of selfishness are such great gifts.” Over the years I’ve officiated at, I suppose, around fifty weddings. All of them different. There was a circus wedding at my old parish where the best man entertained himself by turning backflips during the rehearsal. There was the wedding
where the photographer tried to climb on the altar for a better shot of the blessing. There was the wedding on Guy Fawkes Day where the happy couple walked down the aisle at the end of the service to ‘Always Look On the Bright Side of Life,’ complete with whistles. There was the wedding, here at Trinity, where bride and groom exited the chapel through an arch of ice-axes held by their mountain-climbing friends. What do they all have in common? First of all, a couple marry each other. Two people (at the moment they are required to be of different sexes in this country: this isn’t necessary for the theological meaning of marriage to be manifest—see the Archbishop’s statement above) promise that they will love and be faithful to one another for the rest of their lives. ‘All that I am I give to you, and all that I have I share with you,’ they say. The priest and the congregation bless and witness, but the actual business of marrying is done by the couple themselves. This, of course, greatly reduces the importance of the priest. I know I tend to feel like a combination of Friar Laurence and the Nurse. What are they thinking of, this Romeo and this Juliet? They are imagining themselves, not as they are now, beautiful and young, but as a very old couple, one of the retired Fellows, say, and his wife; still walking hand in hand, with fifty years of shared jokes to enjoy. That is the real romantic vision. What can one say to that? Amen. God bless them. Good luck to them.
Thursday 27th January 2011 travisty.co.uk
What You Might Have Missed Ethan Verrall
Music To My Ears
As my immediate neighbours may know I live and breathe music; it plays all day and it plays as loud as my laptop will let me. In this section which I patronisingly call ‘What You Might Have Missed’ I intend to review what I have been enjoying most this week, of course assuming all of you really care. Don’t let my Brick Lane t-shirts, military style boots, skinny jeans, knitwear and apparently retro necklaces deceive you into thinking I’m one of those vacuous idiots that listen to contemporary alternative music that’s trending at the moment. While I listen to that music, I don’t limit myself to it and I don’t judge people whose taste could be described as more mainstream. Yes this article is pretentious, but we are at Cambridge, people, what did you expect - at least I’m not nouveau riche with delusions of being old money.
concept album ‘69 Love Songs,’ all written by acerbic frontman, Stephin Merritt. The title is in no ways hubristic and each disc has twenty-three tracks with a total running time of approaching three hours. The more promiscuous among you will certainly be more than acquainted with the title’s double entendre, setting the tone for an album that plays like black comedy. The album is not so much comprised of sixty-nine love songs but is sixty-nine songs about love songs. Merrit takes pop clichés and turns them on their heads with lyrics often mocking love’s inanities. The album holds universal appeal, playing dozens of instruments, defying genre and drawing on and directly referencing the music of sources as disparate as Abba, Tom Waits, Fleetwood Mac, The Jesus and Mary Chain, Kraftwerk and the Westcoast sound of groups like The Mammas and the Papas. Every song evokes a disarming The album I have chosen to unearth is possibly one of nostalgia and yet by Merrit’s nuances are radicalised and my favourite albums of all time. In 1999, a New York made entirely fresh. based band called The Magnetic Fields released the triple The listener is disarmed also by the pansexual and gender-bending personas presented. In ‘When My Boy Walks Down the Street’, for example, Merritt sings, “He’s going to be my wife.” His melancholic baritone naturally lends itself the character of the broken-hearted misanthrope and endows his songs with a brutal honesty. Juxtaposition is the theme of this eclectic album: one moment you are listening to a baroque-pop ditty, the next a ragtime honkytonk, a bluesy ballad and finally closing with a more electronic influenced number with electroclash beats. Even within a single song Merritt works in tension. For example, in ‘Abigail, Belle of Kilronan’ an Irish romantic marching off to war delivers his vocal over a wall of reverb-drenched guitar. The Magnetic Fields, borrowing from Smithsian tradition a la Marr/ Morrissey, often place an upbeat melody against more sombre lyrics. Merritt also shares Morrissey’s love of sententious truisms, “The book of love has music in it/ In fact, that’s where music comes from/ Some of it is transcendental/ Some of it’s just really dumb.” If some bizarre urge to listen to this possesses you, then you may want to explore Stephin Merritt’s side and solo projects, though the Magnetic Fields are still active and had an album out in 2010. Overall Rating: 9.5/10