The Edge Magazine August 2012

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EDGE

the

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‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

ISSUE NO: 190

AUGUST 2012

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The Edge Editor’s Column INAPPROPRIATE USE OF SPEED If there’s one thing that really gets my goat that’s tethered up in ‘Edge Towers’ back garden eating grass all day long, the bearded Bovidae, then it’s the total inappropriate use of speed.

Case in point: there was this skinny bloke in this little supermarket in a pair of shorts and flipflops buying a bottle of water in the resort we recently stayed in, in Kefalonia. He then proceeded to straddle this bloody great big 1100cc motorbike, without a helmet, reved it up, and I was thinking: ‘cool f ker’....only then he pro** ceeded to properly blast through Lassi at a speed of somewhere between 70mph and (I kid you not) 90mph at dusk.

No doubt it was a huge buzz for him and he did look ‘comfortable’ on the machine, but it was just plain stupid because anything could have happened, and by that I mean that someone stepping off the sidewalk could easily have been killed had he collided with them.

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Then there’s a neighbour of mine who’s always the first one to mention her ‘child’ in any disagreement we ever have, as though I’m not responsible because I don’t know what it’s like to be a parent. But get this, readers. She will reverse out of her driveway and while her car is still travelling backwards, she will shoot off like Jensen bloody Button as though she’s on a racetrack, yet we live in a damn cul de sac.

Do you see what I mean here?

Two examples of a total inappropriate use of speed (and if you’re not following, love, then noone should ever drive in excess of 20mph on an estate because it’s asking for trouble).

Final point: idiots who drive inappropriately fast in supermarket car-parks. An oldish woman nearly took the front of my car off in Tesco’s (Princes Road) car-park the other day. The bitch didn’t even give way, wasn’t even looking for traffic coming from her right, so as she stopped (thankfully) to let shoppers by across the zebra, I pulled alongside her and gave her a bit of a ‘verbal volley’ about the crime she’s just committed, which she was seemingly oblivious to.

And do you know what happened?

Shoppers started giving me pelters because I’d pulled alongside this woman (in effect: into the lane of traffic for vehicles approaching from the opposite direction, even though there wasn’t a car in sight), as they’d come to the conclusion that I was the one who was in the wrong.

Bloody typical!

This bloody useless summer is getting right on my tits.

Apparently it’s all the cause of the Jet Stream, a powerful high-altitude wind whose mysterious meanderings can have an overbearing effect on our weather, as we’ve recently been seeing.

Normally, the west-to-east flow of air shifts to the north of our shores during our so called ‘summertime’, directing areas of low pressure and bad weather further northwards, leaving us Essex-based Brits nestled in a comforting oasis of warm air. Only this year the dratted Jet Stream has strayed to the south and we have found ourselves on its colder, less amenable side and at the mercy of prolonged rain and winds.

The precise reason for this has proved something of a puzzle to scientists and meteoroligists alike, although some have claimed that melting polar ice, driven by global warming, could have reduced the temperature of the Atlantic and altered the route of the winds.

Meanwhile, some other boffin stood in the queue down at the local chippy reported to The Edge, “As the position of the Jet Stream is influenced by the Rocky Mountains in America, it could be something that’s happened over the Pacific.”

All this publication would like to say is this: “FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, SORT IT OUT!”

IN THE WRONG

THE PIRATES OF MARYLAND POINT

Speaking of being ‘in the wrong’, anyone who’s got a problem with me ought to seriously take a damn good look at themselves.

If I don’t see eye-to-eye with anyone, then generally speaking, 99% of the time, it is they who are in the wrong and that is a bloody well fact!

DAMNED JET STREAM

Local author Dot Gumbi has written a comedy caper about pirates fighting cockneys.... www.olympicpirates.co.uk THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 01245 348256 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 01245 348256

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METRO

Not the full shilling Sometimes you just look at old people and know almost instinctively that they’re not the full ticket....do you know what I mean, readers?

There was one such bloke in the Men’s toilets (I’d have hardly have been in the Ladies, would I?) at Sainsbury’s this very day.

He didn’t look like the bloke above (i.e. he wasn’t a dead giveaway in his appearance).

No, it was more a case of what he had with him in the lavatory.

I’ll tell you, shall I? AN EMPTY SUPERMARKET TROLLEY. Granted it was the smaller version of the two, but this bloke had obviously collected a trolley, figured he wanted to turn his bike around and considered to himself, ‘I’m not leaving my trolley outside in the corridor as it mightn’t be there after I’ve strained me greens.’

Gawd love ’em, eh, readers?

It’s not like it was the only trolley at Sainsbury’s, is it?

PRICELESS.

I do have to say that I like that Metro ’paper that’s only available at railway stations.

Bloody good idea, it is, and aimed at a right proper quality audience too.

Anyway, there was this little snippet I read in there a while back about Team GB snowboard coach Nelson Pratt (33) who was found hanged at his home quite recently. I’d never even heard of him, but apparently he also trained the Army snowboard team as well.

Which got me to thinking about the time when former youthful Wales manager Gary Speed topped himself. I was spending the weekend in Bristol at the time I heard the news and I just couldn’t believe it.

So, two young men from the world of sport and the question begs, why ever would they?

I have my dark days and my dark moods. I guess it’s just something to do with how you’re wired.

But Nelson Pratt and Gary Speed decided to put an end to their lives and to me, that’s almost as though they’ve come to the conclusion that things definitely aren’t going to get any better.

How can you decide a thing like that at such a relatively young age?

Sometimes people have the best years of their lives later on in life, yet these two fit and talented guys clearly didn’t even consider giving themselves such an option.

What goes on in a person’s mind that makes them so adamant as to the fact that they feel as though they’ve simply had enough?

Life is precious enough, so to just abruptly end your own....

That is plain sad.

It makes me sad just thinking about it.

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“LOOK AT THIS GORGEOUS ORANGE BEAST!” No, not your editor! The scooter I’m talking about....check out the bloody scooter!

I’d been to the Greek Isle of Kefalonia once before, about 17 years ago, and you know when you’re not all that bothered about going back? Lovely as it had been, I genuinely wasn’t. Only waddayaknow, it turned out to be one of the best weeks away I’ve ever had. Partly, I reckon, due to my holiday romance with the ‘Big Dutch’.

That’s what I christened this lovely 300cc Korean scooter that I hired for 5 days for the princely sum of 125 Euros. Honest readers, it was love at first sight.

I christened it the ‘Big Dutch’ as it had 50cc more than my X-Max back home and it’s colour strongly suggested The Netherlands to me, and by Christ did it offer an excellent ride.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can well appreciate that all of you big, butch motorbike riding types out there are looking at this photo and calling me a prissy little sissy. But you know what, I honestly don’t care. Gears on two-wheels are far too complicated for me and a scooter suits me just fine for getting around sightseeing, so live with it.

Kefalonia is an ideally sized island for saddling up each and every morning, after a hearty breakfast, and bombing off to somewhere new, with the likes of Assos, Sami, Fiskardo and Scala all being a delight to discover (even the second time around!) from our base at the excellent 4-star Hotel Mediterranee in Lassi, just a short 20 Euro taxi ride from the airport.

One of the particular highlights of this and every holiday I ever go on is getting on the lash and we kicked-off this particular holiday in grand style at the poolside bar where we had lashings and lashings of Ouzo and carbonated lemon (which is actually a whole lot different to lemonade) on day one, after which we never seemed to have an empty glass for the remainder of our time there.

Different people seem to have very different ideas about what constitutes a damn good holiday.

For instance, Edge columnist Steve Ward always hires a big Harley Davidson and tours different routes in America, whilst I know some of you “only ever do 5-star”. But honestly, I’m not being jealous when I address those of you who choose the latter by saying: “You can ‘do 5-star’ anywhere in the world, but unless you actually drag yourself away from all of that cosseted splendour and get your sweet ass out there and do a bit of roaming about, what are you really learning about the place you’re supposedly visiting, eh? Other than the fact that they offer exceptionally nice tasting Margaritas at the bar?”

I also don’t buy into any of that, “I’m knackered - all I want to do is lie on a sunbed” lark What, all bloody week???

I took a book with me and only managed 3 chapters...and that included a 6 hour round flight!

Honestly, readers, scooters are definitely the way to go, particularly on quiet roads on your holidays.

Hire cars are OK, but you feel as though you’re ‘truly living’ on two wheels and you honestly get to savour your senses a helluva lot more than ever you do on four.

I think it’s also superb going on holiday as a foursome as you definitely have a much better laugh, ‘The Butcher’ and I very much saw ourselves as Ewan although choose your partners McGregor and Charley Farley in ‘The Long Way Round’ carefully, readers!

(Special Kefalonia edition) as all that was required was So Kefalonia: would The Edge two-wheels, some appropriate headgear, a nicely fitting recommend it? Damn right! bra and off we jolly well rode, into the distance....

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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CITIZEN

EDGE

the

Getting caught reading a copy says more about you than Fifty Shades of Grey ever will.

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This month Citizen recalls with affection the Cries - and Criers - of Chelmsford and applauds the activities of local traders groups.

Chelmsford’s elevation to City status, which Citizen commented on in the April editions, will hopefully help to confirm its place as one of the premier shopping centres in Essex.

Like other major towns and cities, to be a ‘major destination shopping centre’ is reliant to a large extend on ‘the usual suspects’ i.e. the major national household names all being represented in the High Street and, of course, in Chelmsford’s case, the major city centre shopping malls (to borrow the far more appropriate and increasingly used American term for what we used to call precincts).

However, there are, in Citizens view, several other criteria required to make a city centre shopping visit a far more unique and memorable one - and one for which the customers will return.

Paramount among these is a clean and friendly environment with a minimum number of empty shops and it is Citizens contention that Chelmsford scores well on both of these - or at least far better than most. Its pleasant riverside location and parks are also greatly in its favour. But what a town also needs is what in marketing terms is called a USP - a Unique Selling Point or even points. In other words, something different that separates it from the rest.

Among the best examples of unique shopping areas nestling alongside thriving city centres are two that Citizen has brought to mind - The Lanes in Brighton and The Shambles in York. There’s hardly a multiple store between them, but Citizen would suggest that overall the respective city centres, including the major national stores found in them, derive as much benefit from their presence as do the businesses themselves in these little unique passages crammed with locally owned specialty shops.

We may not have quite the equivalent of a Lanes or Shambles in Chelmsford, but nonetheless this is why Citizen was delighted to read in January this year that the West End Business Association (formerly, it believes, known as the West End Traders Association) centred upon the area of Broomfield Road where it meets Duke Street has been reformed.

It is to be hoped that this is a successful venture for the shops, pubs, restaurants and businesses concerned that takes its place once more alongside the established Moulsham Traders Association at the other end of our city centre. For many years the MTA has championed the individuality of the predominantly local companies in the part of Moulsham Street that is to be found on the ‘other side’ of Parkway. A proactive committee chaired by Jayne Gayer of CD’s Sandwich Shop is in place that clearly continues the good work of former stalwarts of the MTA in bygone days such as Brian Pawsey and Colin Gibson, and all power to them.

Because, quite simply, it is local shops alongside ‘the big boys’ that makes a town or a city such a unique and thrilling place to visit.

It is perhaps inevitable that the major thoroughfares of most city centres (usually collectively known as the ‘High Street’) have, over the years - due to the disappearance of so many locally owned carpet, furniture, electrical and fashion stores - taken on a fairly homogenised image with the same stores predominantly featuring everywhere. However, there is still very much a place for ‘something different’. And the ‘something different’ will in many cases include a ‘local prod-

uct’ that reflects that community in which it is found.

For example, the fact that you are reading this copy of The Edge may well mean that you have probably picked it up from a ‘local business’ in or around Chelmsford (please note: the editor is of course also grateful to national concerns such as Network Rail and Tesco who make the magazine available to its customers). But it is also people who make a town or city centre special and Citizen recalls with some genuine nostalgia the names and faces of local characters who were in business in our town - some of whom are still active today, albeit perhaps themselves doing ‘something different’.

Preeminent amongst these is probably Tony Appleton who Citizen remembers had 3 or 4 carpet shops in Chelmsford in the 70‘s and early 80’s. Tony was always a character taking part in a number of interesting challenges including participating in the Selsey Birdman contest in around 1975 and trying to sail a bed across the English Channel, of all things! His activities not only made the local papers but Citizen can remember reading about them in such diverse publications as the Daily Mirror and even the Majorca Daily Bulletin in its ‘Ricky - The Lash - Lazzar Show’ entertainment column that continues to this day.

Citizen recalls that Tony had a particularly interesting hobby - being photographed with the rich and famous.

This included at the time Britain’s most popular comedy duo Morecambe & Wise when they came to open his new carpet shop and the neighbouring Coopers 3 Piece Suite Centre in Market Road at the time of the opening of the High Chelmer Shopping Centre.

Indeed, if you look at Tony Appleton’s website today there is a special place for a gallery of the aforementioned pictures of Tony with an assortment of famous stars and politicians.

The carpet shops are no longer there, but Tony has forged a highly successful career for himself that first of all saw him become Chelmsford’s very own Town Crier and subsequently one of the country’s most preeminent Toastmasters. Hence the website which tells us that Tony is now President of the Guild of International Millennium Town Criers and a member of the Guild of International Professional Toastmasters. And it all started in Chelmsford High Street, so all power to him!

Citizen has no doubt that it is characters like this that help make a town or city a little bit special and while we may not see so much of him now because of his wider commitments, both Citizen and The Edge hope and trust that Tony will be there for the big occasion when Chelmsford is officially and ceremonially crowned as a City in this Diamond Jubilee year.

For a time, Tony even had a rival Town Crier in Barry Farleigh - whose family had a number of excellent bakers shops under the brand of ‘Hot & Crusty’ in the 1980’s - took up the bell and donned the hose, jacket, buckled shoes and tricorn hat initially to help promote his wares.

The bakery and main shop was where Gap is now found in our High Street and like other examples, its disappearance illustrates what has happened the length and breadth of the land where local businesses are no longer found to the same extent, having been replaced in their former premises by branches of conglomerates or otherwise Estate Agencies, Charity Shops and Tattoo parlours.

A thriving town needs both the conglomerates and the more bijou local shops. This is why the work being done by such notable organisations as the West End Business Association and the Moulsham Traders Association are so important in offering a local and somewhat unique presence and feel to a city or town.

Just ask the people of Brighton or York and long may these organisations continue!

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Senior Citizens The Edge proper loves it when readers send stuff in like this.

It’s so simple, yet brilliant!

Whilst we’re on the subject of buses tho’, is it just The Edge, or have any other bus travellers noticed that some of our ‘local’ Polish drivers aren’t so friendly to the point of coming across as being plain rude?

Or does something simply get lost in translation?

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01245 422 228 Page 12

At the time of going to press, your editor is approximately three-quarters of the way through this book because I was curious to discover what all the fuss is about - alright, ladies?

And I do have to say that I am not overly impressed.

If Christian Grey’s outlandishly good looks and wealth aren’t enough (he owns and pilots his very own helicopter, chaps) then the frequency with which he tears the foil (tearing foil - now there’s a technical term) off a condom wrapper is totally beyond belief.

Guys, I kid you not, he doesn’t so much as use a couple of sheaths in a night.....the author would have us believe that good old Christian is tearing foil pretty much ten minutes after he last, erm, ‘tore it’.

Oh, do come onnnnnnn! No wonder us blokes get a bad press if women are going to start writing fairy stories about our species.

And what’s even more galling is, as yet, at the point I’m up to they’ve only ever used the bathroom for brushing their bloody teeth in.

GET REAL! It can sometimes proper stink in there.....or don’t you ladies like to read about stuff like that in your romantic novels?

You seem to like a different sort of nitty-gritty to us blokes.

‘Christian let out a rip-roaring fart, which was followed by a huge sploshing sound. “Oh Anastasia,” he cried out in relief, “come and have a look at what I’ve just done!”

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Introductions in Essex is a delightful match making service which is completely committed to creating couples!

Telephone Susan on 01245 361946 for further details.

5 STARS Shafique (yes, he’s still there, folks, all you who haven’t visited him for a while) is pleased as punch to have recently gained five kitchen food and hygiene stars by Chelmsford Borough Council.

“Five is the maximum,” says an exceedingly proud Shafique of The Restaurant on The Green. “So far as I am aware, no other Chinese or Indian restaurant in Chelmsford has attained such a high standard.”

Work is also well on the way to completing his brand new bar and tapas area which will overlook the magnificent setting of Writtle Green in future, with his newly laid out restaurant and subdued lighting nestling at the rear of this long established restaurant.

Watch this space for further details...

The Edge 077 646 797 44

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Present this voucher to receive a

WASH, CUT & BLOWDRY all for

ÂŁ22.00*

A Likely Story...

Dear Edge, Following your recent article in issue:189 (page 18) about the large croc that was eating African villiagers along the River Niger, we too have been noticing similar problems with missing folks right here in Chelmsford.

Fortunately for local people and paddlers alike, the members of Green Watch recently dragged a similar beast out from the depths of the River Chelmer which weighed in at a colossal 2,550 pounds (50 lbs heaver than the Niger croc, you will note, Mr Edge) and measuring 22.5ft in length (amazingly 6 inches longer than the Niger croc too).

All Hail Green Watch Chelmsford Is this a bit of the old TRICK PHOTOGRAPHY, lads!

Last time The Edge saw you lot you nearly knocked me off my pushbike in that noisy, shiny, big red crate of yours.

And all for what?

To rescue some puddy-tat stuck up a tree. Pagh!

You lads want to get your priorities right!

Come on thoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;.....where did you really wrestle this croc from, eh?

CALL (01245) 346348 Walk in appointments also available. * Offer available Monday - Friday 10am - 4pm * Offer valid until 29th September 2012 * One voucher per customer only * This voucher not to be used in conjunction with any other promotional offer * Subject to availability / selected stylists 6 Rainsford Road, Chelmsford, CM1 2QD. Tel: 01245 346348 We are just 50 metres from the County Hotel. LATE NIGHTS: Wednesdays & Fridays

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ALL AMERICAN RESTAURANT

50%

OFF

This voucher entitles you to 50% off your total food bill Valid Sundays to Thursdays during August 2012.

Enter your details, bring along this voucher and present when you ask for the bill.

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www.backinntime.co.uk www.theedgemag.co.uk

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Are you a Rightmove addict?

Jo Williams - Director

Your INFORMATIVE Estate Agent

Do you qualify as a ‘Rightmove’ addict?

Do you log onto the Rightmove property portal more than once-a-week, even if you’re not looking to move?

Got the app on your smart phone?

Are you registered to receive updates whenever a new property comes on the market?

Well, you could be addicted to a modern phenomenon like many others. Back in the day, before the power of the internet, you used to have to trawl up and down the local Estate Agents which was a pretty painful and repetitive process.

Then when you wanted to communicate with your traditional Estate Agent, generally they were closed with poor customer service when you wanted access to them.

So along came Rightmove, Zoopla, Find a Property and countless other property portals. You are now able to access all Estate Agents and properties at the touch of a button.

You can search any area of the UK without having to visit the location itself.

You can view the inside of a house without actually going to see it.

You can view the entire floor plan of your perspective new home.

Over a period of time, the actual face-to-face contact with your local Estate Agent has diminished.

When we talk to our clients, sometimes they decline to be registered with us as they declare that they registered with a property portal and therefore there is no need.

There is no disputing the power of the internet and of Rightmove and other property portals. But hey, don’t move too far away from the professionals who are experts in your particular area.

We know your local area and have years of experience in matching buyers and sellers. There is SO MUCH MORE to the house buying and selling process than meets the eye. It would be naïve to think that the only skill of being an Estate Agent is to visit houses wearing a cheap suit.

We have many retained clients that we speak to regularly that we match to properties on one-off viewings without a house even going on the open market.

We view many houses that are not even on the open market, but with careful skill and negotiations, we are able to liaise to enable both parties to reach a mutual, beneficial outcome.

And that’s not forgetting the part we play once the price has been agreed, which is a process that takes (national average figure) three months, of which we only ever take a fee when you actually move.

We want you to come in and see us (we don’t wear cheap suits), have a cup of tea with us and chew the fat on the ups and downs of the stressful process that is moving house.

We’ve made our ‘home’ a nice place to come and visit, so we hope you’ll pop in and see us, tell us what you need and we’ll aim to help you with or without RIGHTMOVE (or any other property portal)!

www.thehomepartnership.co.uk 11 Duke Street, Chelmsford CM1 1HL Telephone: 01245 250222 Contact The Edge at: 01245 348256 or 077 646 797 44

Every Friday and Saturday night from 5pm at The Beehive Pub, Beehive Lane, Chelmsford.

Eat-in or take away For full menu please visit chelmsfordcatering.co.uk For phone orders please call: 01245 409 145 Chelmsford Catering - Large event specialists 168 Moulsham Street, Chelmsford CM2 0LD Tel: 01245 409 145 Page 14

chelmsford catering.co.uk The Edge 077 646 797 44

25/07/2012

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A Splendid Little Pub The Compasses, tucked away rather refreshingly at Littley Green, has won the Jack Hillier award for CAMRA Essex Pub of the Year 2012.

The former Ridley's Brewery Tap, now owned and run by Joss Ridley, saw off some fierce competition from the other Essex branch winners.

The pub, also fondly called ‘The Huffer Pub’, has had a busy couple of years, having built 5 guest accommodation rooms to a very high standard, been instrumental in the formation of the Bishop Nick Brewery (owned and run by Joss's brother Nelion), and heavily promoting Mild (15 different milds were enjoyed at the pub throughout May), as well as raising almost £7,500 for Farleigh Hospice through their summer beer festivals (now known as Hopstock).

Despite these side projects, this thriving rural pub remains the focal point for the community and draws many loyal customers from the surrounding villages. Joss says, "We're really proud to have won this award for a couple of reasons. Obviously it's great to be recognised for serving a very decent pint on a regular basis, but that's almost expected of me, given my family brewing background! But what I'm really proud of is the fact that we've managed to preserve the pub by developing it into a 'destination local'. Many people seem to travel some considerable distance to use our pub as their ‘local’, which is really great. As a result, we get a hugely varied and friendly clientele which makes the pub a really vibrant and exciting place to be. In other words, if you turn up and you don't know anyone, chances are you soon will!"

The Compasses now goes through to the East Anglia regional CAMRA competition with the winner being announced in the middle of August.

C MUSIIC BEER & L VA FESTIIV

THE THEHUFFERPUB THEH TH E

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FEATURIN FEATURING NG OVER O VER 60 REAL REAL ALES, ALES, FROM F ROM EVERY EV VERY COUNTY COUNTTY IIN N ENGLAND ENGLA AND ALSO A LSO VINTAGE VIN NTAGE TTRACTOR RACTTOR PLOUGHING, HUFFER P LOUG GHING, H UFFER BBQ, BBQ, SSTALLS, TA ALLLS, LLIVE IVE M USIC MUSIC ESSEX CA CAMRA AMRA A PUB OF TH THE HE Y EAR 2012 2 YEAR

SUPPORTING S UPP P ORTING

TTHE HE CCOMPASSES OMPASSES AT AT LITTLEY LIT TLEY GREEN, GREEN, N G GREAT RE AT W WALTHAM, ALTHAM, CCM3 M3 11BU BU O O1245 1245 362 362 3O8 3O8 WWW WWW.COMPASSESLITTLEYGREEN.CO.UK .COMPASSESLIT TLEYGREEN.CO.UK

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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Rehab Hair Studio dream team is the best of the best!

Rehab Hair Studio is now 6 months old and has already made a BIG IMPACT in Chelmsford - so much so that we have even managed to attract visitors from other local hair salons to see what we’re up to!

Over the years we have come across most of the usual stories within the industry, such as bad service and hit and miss haircuts, but in Chelmsford we believe the main bugbear is overpriced work.

Salon owner Zak Menderin has over 18 years in the hair industry. Trained in the flagship Vidal Sassoon Salon in London’s West End, Zak later became a Senior Art Director for Toni&Guy (Sweden) and Lee Stafford Salons. He then went on to travel the world to look after the hair of many A-List celebs.

Winner of awards for his previous salons, including the Schwarzkopf Art Team of the year, finalist for the Toni&Guy International Photographic Awards representing Sweden + his short stint on the hit T.V. show 'The Salon'.

Zak is a true master of his craft and his outstanding work reflects in the eclectic look of his new salon Rehab Hair Studio.

Set in the trendy West End of Chelmsford, Hair Rehab pride their new studio on its relaxed customer service and ongoing creative work, as well as being one of the only salons in Chelmsford to stock the uber trendy Kevin Murphy Session range. You will find these products mainly in the heart of London’s West End and we feel very privileged to have such a range on board for use in our studio.

“I have spoken to many clients who have been made to feel as though they have been rushed from their seats in numerous local salons,” says Zak. “We also find it hard to believe that they feel they can justify charging over the odds in Chelmsford for truly mediocre work. The standards you set and the service you offer should be reflected in your prices and in my humble opinion, locally trained stylists have not got a touch on London’s West End session workers.

“At Hair Rehab we want to create that perfect look for you, and we also want you to have a fantastic time in our studio whilst we are achieving it!”

REHAB HAIR STUDIO - Offering a full range of Hair, Nail & Beauty Treatments Arch 22, Viaduct Road, Chelmsford,Essex, CM1 1TS. TEL: 01245 348787 www.rehabhairstudio.co.uk Catch us on our late nights ’til 10pm Wednesday, Thursday and Fridays!

Page 16

Rehab Beach Babe Hair!

Beach Babe Hair is back! Our subtle California Frosting is key to poolside days and those warm summer evenings. Top stylist Naomi Menderin shares her ideas and hair saving tips that are guaranteed ti give you beach babe status!

I would recommend that with any pre-holiday highlights it’s best to get an appointment at least 5 days before you fly in order for your hair to replenish itself before its subjected to those sunny rays. It’s also a good idea to take your highlights at least two shades darker than normal as the sun will naturally lift your hair to those extra shades, leaving it beautifully sunkissed throughout.

As I know from experience just how much the sun can play havoc with your hair, here at Rehab we believe that using the right products to maintain condition is paramount and our Kevin Murphy range has definitely got it all covered..

A shampoo and conditioner with U.V guard to protect against fading is a must whilst our Kevin Murphy ‘Beat the Heat’ pack, with its beautiful blend of protection treatments, will keep your hair’s moisture, shine and strength (contains a 250ml Protection Wash and a 250ml Leave In Protection conditioner that will leave your locks looking healthy and glossy, all for just £15.95!

As long as you protect your hair your colour will be fine. Keep hair protected with a leave in protection and a cute hair scarf or hat.

Throughout August we would like to offer our fantastic Rehab clients and Edge readers an amazing 25% OFF our Rehab Hair Studio Colour Services, so we can give you that perfect holiday hair wherever you’re going!

Rehab V-FEST Survival Guide!

Rehab Hair Studio Chelmsford is the place to visit before the V-Festival kicks off this summer! With the V-Fest shuttle bus picking up from right outside our salon and taking you straight to all of the madness and mayhem, our studio, nail area and private treatment room is the place to be before you hop aboard to party the weekend away. So come get your Party Rock on @ Hair Rehab before you hit the festival!

But wait - it gets even better! With the lack of clean showers at V-Fest, Hair Rehab has installed its very own private shower/dressing room and with its exclusive hire you can wash off all of that festival dirt, re-do your make up get a bangin’ blow-dry so that you’re ready to hit the V-Fest looking fresh as a daisy once again!

Over the 19th & 20th August our studio will be offering a limited amount of £18 blowdrys, false eyelashes, face painting, express manicures and pedicures.

Want that Dip Dye look, but without the commitment? Rehab Hair Studio offers the next generation of dip-dying with a wipe on-wipe off colour!

Colour Bug Ombre Looks....for on night only and with 3 intense fluro colours the possibilities are positively endless. But beware as the Ombre hair look is the trend that just wont quit!

The Edge 077 646 797 44

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YOUR letters

&

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Providing assistance for all abilities, classes are run out of Anglia Ruskin University and already signs of progress are being seen.

emails

to theedge!

CHELMSFORD, CM2 6XD. shaun@theedgemag.co.uk SHAMELESS Dear Edge, Just read your article about ‘Sex Lies & Rinsing Guys’ (June Edge) and we wholeheartedly agree with what you said; it honestly made us cringe. Why can’t people do a fair days work for a fair days pay any more?

Which brings me to the part about getting hold of a good plumber (which you also mentioned in your article). My name is Andy Penfold, my company is Moulsham Plumbing & Heating and I always turn up when I say I am going to turn up!

Furthermore, we love Lek’s Thai Food at Chelmsford Market (issue: 185) but now that you’ve mentioned it in the mag, we’re definitely going to try that Pie & Mash Shop in Maldon High Street - and I’m also going to get my barnet cut at Harry Green’s at the same time! moulshamplumbingandheating @yahoo.co.uk That is a shameless bit of selfpromotion, is that, Andy.

E.E.

Pictured is student Mollie, aged 13, who told us, "It's given me so much more confidence. In a recent maths test I scored 90% which had never happened before!"

For further details contact Ian on 01245 461164 or go directly to http://www.firstclasslearning.co.uk Ian Tutak Deep down, The Edge HATES all this FREE ADVERTISING that people are wangling!

E.E.

GINGER Dear Edge, I think your Kingmeister columnist is well out of order for insinuating that it doesn’t get any worse than being ginger (June Edge).

FFRFGFG (Fighting For Respect For Ginger Folks in General) Yeah, that was a bit underhand of Kingpin, was that, so The Edge would like to apologise to any gingas out there who might have had to have a couple of days off school or work as a result of his bitter, barbaric and downright insensitive comments. After all, how would Kingpin like it, I wonder, if one day he woke up and suddenly found himself ginger all over?

E.E.

PROSTATE CANCER Dear Editor, Having just read this month’s edition of The Edge, in particular your little mention of bladder control, so I thought I would tell you that I had a similar problem about 7 years ago (aged 54). I had put up with it for a few years, but eventually went to see my GP. He sent me for a blood test (PSA) The result came back at 48 - which is not good. I was eventually told I had prostate cancer.

Urinary frequency is one of the symptoms, especially at night.

This might not be the case where you are concerned, but all the same, I would suggest you find out.

If they catch it early enough, they can be quite good at sorting it out without too many problems.

However, if it’s something else entirely, then so much the better, but perhaps you should find out for certain? After all, it’s not always just a case of getting older and having to put up with it.

Steve Farmer.

Thanks for that, Steve. Guess I need a willing nurse Edge reader to pull on a pair of rubber gloves and have a bit of a poke about then. Any offers, ladies?

E.E.

BRANCHING OUT Dear Edge, We were in London the other week and thought of you - the picture (below) explains why.

Are you expanding your empire?

All the best, Simon Jury.

STERLING JOB Dear Edge, This bloke deserves a medal!

He’s a familiar face around and about Chelmsford, day in, day out, come rain or shine, keeping our City’s streets clean and tidy.

You will all have all seen him, I’m sure.

On my way into work this morning he was down on his hands and knees scraping the moss out of the block paving in our High Street.

The guy is just brilliant!

So next time you see him in the street, doing a sterling job, please shake his hand or tell him you appreciate what he does because if we didn’t have people like him, grafting so very hard, Chelmsford wouldn’t be such a clean and tidy place to live.

Jo Williams The Home Partnership Ltd. ’Ere, ’ere, Josephine.

E.E.

ROYAL ROGERING Dear Edge, Spotted Liz, Phil and William in Galleywood recently and it looked as though a right Royal rogering was taking place!

Michael Gell

Nowt to do with me, sir. Looks like they sell alcohol, which The Edge strongly disapproves of!

FISHY STORY Dear Edge, Do you think you have to throw the OAPs back in once you’ve caught ’em?

FIRST CLASS LEARNING OPENS Dear Edge, A Maths and English study centre for students aged 4-16 years recently opened in Chelmsford.

First Class Learning programmes are designed to meet and therefore are supplementary to the UK school curriculum.

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Ernie & Joan Chelmsford The Edge 077 646 797 44

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owards the end of last month I visited Darren and Pearl at their clinic, Renew You, at The Beauty Yard in Broomfield Road (nearer KFC as opposed to the town end), writes The Edge Ed.

T

Renew You is a swanky aesthetics clinic which specialises in laser operation, in particular tattoo removal and teeth whitening. Expansion is currently underway into IPL hair removal, red wine vein removal, scar removal, skin rejuvenation, speckle removal, facial vascular lesions therapy, acne therapy, skin tightening and wrinkle removal.... plus the all-important and increasingly popular laser fat removal.

Whilst in their company, Pearl (above) - who somewhat appropriately really is called Pearl, as it happens - whitened my Austin’s (Powers) teeth - damn those copious bottles of red wine to hell - using a mix of carbamide peroxide and sodium perborate whitening gels, together with the blue cold light one hour system technology. Not only was I impressed with the results, but absolutely delighted that I was left with no sensitivity or discomfort whatsoever. I was told to expect the results to last for a good 12 months, red wine permitting!

As for the tattoo laser removal, it's state-of-the-art and one of the latest models in the UK - a right clever piece of kit. Renew boast the most advanced tattoo removal machine in Essex and assure me that they will keep up with the times so that they are always at the forefront of the industry. The machine is a Double Nd:YAG with the laser utilising the latest double-rod technology, thus offering more powerful energy than normal lasers. Originally designed for use in clinics, this innovative laser is equally suitable for large Tattoo Studios with a high demand for laser tattoo removal. The higher energy of the Double YAG Laser can remove birth marks, Nevus of Ota and other pigmentation both better and faster.

Obviously I wasn’t able to trial their laser tattoo removal machine as my bod is strictly a tattoo free zone, but I did see several BEFORE and AFTER photos of a ‘tat’ that Darren’s in the process of having removed from his shoulder and after 3 sessions there’s virtually only the outline that’s still left to be removed. It's all very impressive and apparently the laser can completely remove a tattoo in 3-8 sessions at costs from as little as £30 a pop.

Costs: Laser tattoo removal starts from £30 and there as some meaty discounts available for multiple tattoo removals Teeth whitening is £99 Call Renew You on 0845 519 9361 or 07581 352070 and make an appointment Monday - Friday 8.00am - 8.00pm or Saturdays 9.00am - 4.00pm. www.renewyoulimited.co.uk The Double Nd:YAG tattoo removal machine is a tasty bit of kit!

www.introductionsinessex.co.uk

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ‘THE ONE’?

We are a bespoke match making service actively working for every member, no internet dating – just a confidential, back to basics approach to finding love and friendship!

We take the time to find out about every individual, your interests, values and way of life to fully build up a rapport and get to know you so we can start you on the journey to finding lasting love!

Affordable, one off joining fee, no hidden extras, a reliable, friendly and professional service committed to creating couples.

Please call us today 01245 361946 for an informal chat about membership options or find out more at our website www.introductionsinessex.co.uk using our contacts page.

We would be delighted to hear from you!

Laser Teeth Whitening The Edge 01245 348256

Page 19

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ONLY JOKING! TOURETTES

"What do we want?"

"A cure for tourettes!"

"When do we want it?"

"Bollocks!"

CONGRATULATIONS CONGRATULATIONS! You have won £500 of shopping vouchers, or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

FRIGHTENING STATISTIC THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, MOST PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYING IN RECENT YEARS:25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's scary stuff, because what it really means is that 75% of women are running around with no medication whatsoever.

DUBLIN GOLD CUP A bloke at a horse race in Ireland whispers to Paddy, who is stood next to him, “Psst. Do you want the winner of the next race?”

Paddy says, “No tanks, if it’s all the same to you. I’ve only got a small garden.”

SILVER SURFERS As all Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and sorted the problem immediately.

As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”

He replied, “Oh, it was an ID ten T error.”

15:42

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“A what?” I replied Eric grinned and said, “Write it down.”

So I did: ID10T I used to like Eric.

ARCHIE & JIMMY Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy.

"Ay've got everythin' organised ulriddy. The fluers, the Kirk, the mootor caurs, the recuption, the rungs, the monuster, even ma stag neyt".

Archie nods approvingly.

"Ay've even bought a brand new kilt to be married in," continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic. You'll look pure mustard in that, Jimmy. What's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "ah'd imagine she'll be in all white."

COMPLETELY NAKED Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body, or the fact that I knew where he lived.

NEW BOSS A large steel manufacturing plant, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new manager. This new boss was determined to make an impression and rid the company of all its slackers.

On his first tour of the facilities, he noticed a young man leaning up against a wall. The place was full of workers and the new boss wanted to let them know that he meant business. So he asked the young man, "How much money do you earn a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make £200 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here," before marching off to his office and returning a few minutes later with a cheque for £800. "Here's four weeks' severance pay,” he announced loudly for all to hear. “Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the workshop and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that lazy sod did here?"

From across the workplace a voice rang out, "He was the pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

dressed and very dirty too. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

“So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the sausage toad and mash that I made for you last night - the meal you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.

“The poor thing devoured it in minutes.

“Afterwards, since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested she take a shower. While she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away and gave her that designer outfit that you don't wear because you say it’s too tight.

“I also gave her the underwear that I bought you for an anniversary present, but you don't wear either because you say I don't have any taste.

“I also gave her that sexy blouse that my sister gave you for Christmas that you also never wear, simply to annoy her.

“And I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive boutique in town and don't wear simply because one of your friends has a pair that are exactly the same.”

The husband took a deep breath and continued, “She was so very grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the front door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Do you have anything else your wife isn’t interested in?”

HAND GRENADES Paddy and Mick find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station.

Mick says, “But what if one explodes before we get there?”

Paddy rubs his chin and thinks for a minute, before exclaiming, “No problem! We just lie our arses off and say we only found two.”

RACING SNAIL Paddy’s racing snail is not winning anymore, so Paddy decides to take its shell off to reduce its weight and drag and make it more aerodynamic.

But it doesn’t work. If anything, it made the snail more sluggish.

TWO WIRES Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. So he ’phones the police and says, “B’jasus! I’ve just found a sandwich that looks loike it moight be a bomb!”

The operator asks, “Is it tickin’?”

Paddy says, “No. I tink it might be beef.”

ROLF HARRIS Rolf Harris was in the supermarket when a little old lady asked, "Are you that bloke from the seventies who did Two Little Boys?"

"No," Rolf replied. "That was Gary Glitter."

DISRESPECTFUL PIG She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

“You are the most disrespectful pig!” she cried.

“How dare you do this to me; a faithful wife to you for twenty years, the mother of your three lovely children? I'm leaving you, you ungrateful swine.“ “Now hang on just a minute, love,” replied the husband coolly. “At least let me tell you exactly what’s happened here.”

“Fine! Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me.”

“Well, it was like this,” he began. “I was getting into the car to drive home from work when this young lady asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out that I took pity on her and invited her into the car.

“I noticed that she was very thin, not well

CLOSE YOUR CURTAINS Mick says to Paddy, “For fock’s sake close your curtains next time you’re making love to your Shirley on the living-room settee. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday afternoon.”

Paddy says to Mick, “Well the joke’s on them then, because I wasn’t even home yesterday afternoon.”

READY FOR A HOLIDAY Paddy says to Mick, “I’m really ready for a holiday, only dis year I’m goin’ t’do it a bit different, loike. Y’see, tree years ago I went to Spain and Shirley got pregnant. An’ two years ago I went to Italy and lo and behold, Shirley got pregnant again. Then just this last year I went to Majorca and whaddayaknow, my Shirl was almost immediately with child.”

“So what’re y’goin’ t’do differently this year?”

Mick asks?”

Paddy says, “Well, I’m goin’ to take the damn bitch with me this toime for starters.”

The Edge would like to apologise to all its Oirish readers!

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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)XOO\ Ă&#x20AC;WWHG EDWKURRPV VXSSOLHG DQG Ă&#x20AC;WWHG IURP ÂŁ3495.00 Bathrooms, Ensuites, Cloakrooms, Wetrooms, Shower rooms Building work, Heating, Plumbing, Electrics, Tiles, Flooring, Carpentry, Ideal Standard, NoCode, Aqualisa Hi-Qu, Bette, Kaldewei, 6KRZHUOX[ 0+6 UDGLDWRUV 0RQWURVH Ă&#x20AC;WWHG IXUQLWXUH

Whoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a cutey wutey wutey then?!

Last month The Edge confessed that it had half-considered buying a pug dog and wondered whether there was such a thing as a FPOC (frivolous pug owners club) that offered a PDSS (pug dog sharing scheme)?

Well, as it happens, there isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t.....but that didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t stop regular reader Kelly Taylor getting in touch (bless her for her sins, for she knows not what she does) and offering the mag the opportunity to take her ickle pug dog Minnie out for walkies in Central Park sometime, which is something The Edge is definitely going to take her up on.

Ooooh, but those scones do look good too!

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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Walk this way to Chelmsford’s Girls Night Out 2012 Ladies: gather your friends and family, dress in pink, tie up your laces and join with hundreds of ladies taking part in the highly enjoyable 6km Girls Night Out sponsored walk on Saturday 15th September in Chelmsford.

The route, setting off at 7:30pm from Backnang Square after a special warm up session, follows a circular route through nearby parks and will be supported by volunteer marshals to provide for your safety. This year’s theme is Bright Pink & Stars and The J’s Hospice will have a prize for the best fancily dressed lady of the night!

Last year, the event as attended by a very special guest; TV Coronation Street’s Michelle Collins, who set everyone off and walked the route with all of the participants. And Michelle will also be joining the 2012 event, subject to her work commitments. Details at www.GirlsNightOutWalk.com

VOLUNTEER COMPLIMENTARY THERAPISTS REQUIRED at FARLEIGH HOSPICE Our well-being service is seeking qualified Complimentary Therapists who can donate some of their time (at least 4 hours per fortnight).

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Call: 01245 397 570 www.dbsdata.co.uk Page 22

THE THREE ELMS Chignal St. James Chelmsford CM1 4TZ Please come along to our BEER & CIDER FESTIVAL 10th - 12th AUGUST Over 20 real ales Over 20 real ciders MUSIC, FOOD & FUN! TEL: 01245 443151 www.the-three-elms.com www.theedgemag.co.uk

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IMPERIAL PACKS ’EM IN In these days of so called austerity, it’s good to see local restaurants packing the punters in, so hats off to the Imperial in Baddow Road (opposite Zagger).

This first floor restaurant has recently undergone a refurb and these photographs were taken in July, before the OFFER (below) for AUGUST ONLY was introduced, so you can tell just how popular this restaurant really is.

There’s a ‘help yourself’ buffet that’s always being restocked and once you’ve finished your meal you’re right in the very heart of Chelmsford to continue your day/evening.

During August only, the Imperial are also offering a FREE soft drink or half-a-lager to every visitor who produces the advertisement below (photocopies also accepted and only one advertisement per party is required to take advantage of this one-off offer).

LUNCH SERVED 12 - 2.30pm

BRIGHT PINK PANTS - (say what you see) as snapped at this years washout of a CAMRA Beer Festival in Admiral’s Park, Chelmsford.

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ragically Mick Rolfe went into a coma on May 27th of this year whilst on holiday in Menorca.

He was a fun guy and as most of his vast number of friends well know, he had a real zest for living and expressed it through his friendships and his many sporting achievements.

Football was his first passion, with squash taking a very close second.

Mick played in the Essex Leagues for many, many years.

More latterly he enjoyed playing golf and in 2011 he was made Captain of Maldon Golf Club.

Mick met wife Patricia 50 years ago and they were married for 44 years.

They have two loving children in Sam and Scott and many happy memories formed both together and with family and friends.

Menorca was their first second home where the pair forged numerous good friendships on the Island, with everyone being totally devastated by Mick’s sudden demise.

Mick also enjoyed spending time in Swanage, where he and Pat had their second second home, enabling them to enjoy so many of Dorset’s numerous activities, such as walking in the winter months and visiting Studland beach in the summer, as well as cycling into Bournemouth from Sandbanks.

Mick was a very talented man who could turn his hand to anything, whilst always being ready to help almost anyone.

Fortunately he retired aged 56, offering him more opportunities to travel both at home and abroad. Although he had visited New York and The Caribbean - including the Panama Canal, Bermuda and Cuba, all places he wanted to see - he still had many more plans, such as another two month European camping stint as well as return visits to both Thailand and South Africa, as he especially enjoyed being on safari.

So please all raise your glasses to Mick and celebrate all the good times he helped create for everyone.

Editor’s Note

T

Mick Rolfe 19.3.44 - 4.7.12

Page 24

I knew Mick Rolfe a bit.

I used to play squash against him.

Fact is, aged 64 - 67, he used to run me ragged in our league encounters, which is pretty damn incredible for a bloody pensioner!

Thing is, Mick wasn’t just ‘fit for his age’, he was fit, period. And at 68 years young, he looked every bit like he looks in the photograph (left), which is a good 10 years younger than what his birth certificate would have us all believe.

Apparently the staff at the hospital in Menorca where he was rushed thought there must have been some mistake when they read through his records; when they read that the year of his birth was 1944.

I used to tell him he was ‘a freak of nature’, only I won’t be telling him that any more, will I? And that’s precisely why life completely sucks at times.

Correction: death is what sucks, because this is yet another one that

simply shouldn’t have happened.

If anyone was ever going to live until a ripe old age - if you knew him - then you’d definitely have imagined it was going to be Mick Rolfe.

As a man, he possessed two things that I simply don’t.

1. He always had a smile on his face. I never, ever, not even once, saw Mick looking glum, moody or miserable.

2. He always seemed to have time for people.

What is a tragedy?

Define a tragedy?

I am telling you straight; the fact that this man is no longer with us is....it is, quite simply, unjust.

Liked, respected and loved by all who knew him.

An incredibly fine fellow who’ll be sorely and sadly missed.

The Edge 01245 348256

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CAMP IN STYLE WITH ‘V’ STYLE LUXURY CAMPING You’ll have to be quick, but The Edge has it on good authority that there’s still some UPC (ultra posh camping) options left for the V-Fest!

‘V’ Style makes its welcomed return to the V-Fest following the huge success of these luxury living quarters at last years festival. ‘V’ Style offers festivalgoers at Hylands Park, Chelmsford, the opportunity to dance the days away and enjoy the nights in the comfort of high-end festival living.

To book a ‘V’ Style experience visit http://www.vfestival.com/tickets/v-styleluxury-camping.

‘V’ Style guests will enjoy the ultimate festival experience with access to exclusive hospitality areas, an on-site baggage valet service upon arrival, a free festival programme and, of course, warm showers. Guests can also relax in the lounge café & bar or spruce up in a complimentary pampering room, filled with mirrors, hairdryers and straighteners. Who said you had to ‘rough it’ at a pop festival?!

The luxury ‘V’ Style experience offers a range of stylish alternatives to normal, common ‘camping with the masses’ with a variety of decadent pads including Pod Pads, Yurtels, Lux Pads, Pennard Tipis, Squrts, Hotel Bell Tents and even a Gypsy Caravan all available to check-in to.

Festival Director Simon Moran comments: “‘V’ Style went down a storm last year, so this year it’s back, giving music fans the chance to enjoy the ultimate festival experience. Not all music fans like the idea of negotiating hundreds of tents to find their bed for the night and with ‘V’ Style you don’t have to....although you do need to book fast!”

Just so’s you’re aware, readers, the Suite Huts can accomodate 2 people for £2,650 or 4 people for £4,000 with each person receiving a weekend camping ticket and entrance to V-Fest, access to the hospitality bar in the main arena plus one ‘V’ Style car-park hanger per package.

To keep up-to-date with all the news form V-Fest visit www.vfestival.com, ‘like’ V Festival on Facebook (facebook.com/vfestival) or follow @vfestival on Twitter.

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shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Page 25

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DUMB & DUMBER It’s no secret that I’m almost convinced that much of the world is turning into an idiocracy and that most people are too stupid to be able to find their own arses without both hands and a map tattooed onto their stomachs. While some people may see this a disgustingly elitist viewpoint, I stand firmly by it, backed up as I am by pretty much the entire weight of human history and the dozens of moronic things I see and read every single day.

No caption required As much as I’m tempted to let my natural cynicism and disdain for humanity in general put the rise of the idiot down to people just being stupid, I realised this wasn’t perhaps the most scientific approach.

So instead, I started to do a bit of research and discovered some rather surprising facts. If you are one of the people that I would consider to be stupid (and you probably are) then fear not! Maybe, just maybe, it’s not entirely your fault.

You’re probably unaware that research has found that simply living in a city actually makes you more stupid, although no-one bothered to mention that when Chelmsford was bidding for city status, did they? Experiments were carried out where one group of people walked through a city while the other walked through a park. At the end of their excursions both teams were given a battery of tests involving memory, attention and basic cognitive skills.

Without fail, everyone who had walked through the city performed much worse than their meadow rambling counterparts. One of the really strange things is that they’ve found that just by looking at pictures of a busy city has the same effect on your brain. While this does sound somewhat of a surprising result, when you come to think about it, it’s actually pretty obvious.

Even if you’re not consciously aware of it, whenever you walk through a crowded city your brain has to process dozens of sights and sounds all at once. You have to navigate busy pavements full of alcoholics and charity workers trying to guilt money out of your pockets. There are dozens of half heard

Charity worker at 50 yards, initiate avoidance manouvers!

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ME & MY adamantium skeleton

The Kingmeister reports conversations floating past, fighting with the aural shite some people insist on playing too loudly from their cars. The hypothesis is that after a while, all this simply tires your brain out and it basically starts to run at half speed.

Another strange fact is that walking through a park isn’t just more relaxing for your brain, it actively improves your cognitive skills, with the varied sights and sounds of the natural world engaging your brain in a beneficial way.

My advice? If you can cut through a park on your daily walk to/from work, then try putting that into your route every day, even if it takes you slightly out of your way.

Group situations, whether these are meetings or social events, also drain your brain. Meetings are a particular culprit as your brain has to deal with both the task at hand and also your behaviour and the stress of your percieved standing within the group.

I work in the public sector and we love a good meeting, we do. And it’s frankly surprising that I’m not a drooling mess and defecating into my own pants by now.

Another interesting fact about group situations is that if you think you’re not performing as well as other people, then you will actually start to perform worse than them.

Some people are simply wired to perform better on their own, a fact that I will add to my arsenal of reasons why it’s OK for me to be a misanthrope.

A completely unsurprising development of these tests was that men, across the board, perform worse when there are women present. So ladies, if you’re in a work or social situation with us men, then I can tell you now we’re doing one of three things: (1) trying to look at your tits without getting caught (2) actually looking at your tits without getting caught (3) imaging what it’s like to have sex with you.

In my head, all my meetings look like this Personally, I don’t think you ladies give us enough credit for all this extra work our brains are doing, but this argument always seems to recieve short shrift. Science has a perfectly rational explanation for this behaviour. They call it: ‘The Penis’.

The internet - something that should be a treasure trove of information, a proper bastion of knowledge - is also making us stupid, whilst Facebook is an ideal culprit to start with. We’ve already covered what an absolute load of twaddle I think Facebook is in previous editions, so I won’t harp on about it again. However, I may well have to start up my very own unsocial network site to balance things out a bit.

Perhapswww.kingpinsaysgof**kyou rselves.com would do it?

Facebook is helping everyone who uses it all get a little bit dumber, not just by publishing the narcissitic drivel that people spew up every five seconds, but by its filtering software. It remembers what links, posts and updates you clicked ‘like’ to and then beings to filter the information it sends you accordingly. What this means is that you’re more likely to get shown posts from people who you have agreed with in the past as opposed to being shown what everyone on your list posts.

Sure, you can set it to show everything, but the default is for Facebook to filter things out for you, which basically puts you in a little internet bubble of ‘yes-men’ who agree with pretty much everything you say. And if you can’t see why this is bad, then you should know that the best thing for your brain and you as a person - is diverse information and opinions. Your brain gets much more of a workout debating and arguing than it does just agreeing with everything and being smug.

You should also know that your brain is pretty much like any other muscle in your body and needs a regular workout to stop it turning into the cranial equivalent of Rab C. Nesbitt. Unfortunately, like your other muscles, the brain tends to get better at doing whatever exercise you give it most, and this is where we get back to that diverse stimulation I mentioned.

Things like Facebook and Tumblr indeed the internet in general - is all about quick bite-sized headlines. You rarely read in the traditional sense when you’re online... you skim instead. What this means is that we’re basically training our brains to have a crappy attention span. We’re great at getting a brief overview of the facts, but we’re no good at digging into those facts anymore, which also means that we’re much worse at figuring out if such so called ‘facts’ are actually true or not.

Your brain is an amazing piece of hardware and if you’re lucky enough to be born with a working one, then you owe it to yourselves, and to others, to use it. The world is getting short on a lot of things these days, but unfortunately dumb arses aren’t one of them.

So why not give your brain a workout every now and again, push it a little bit, and I can promise you you’ll be surprised at just what it can do.

Jesus Christ - everyone’s at it these days

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LO C A L M U S I C R E V I E W

July, as we all know, was quite a hectic month, what with the Queens Jubilee and the Olympic Torch procession, writes Andy of James Dace Music in Moulsham Street.

There was a great vibe in our streets to witness the Olympic flame, thanks to all you local Chelmsfordians who turned out in style, which is more than I can say for the new acclaimed Chelmsford City Council who did sod all to promote the celebrations. “Typical, huh? Bloody bureaucrats. What did they ever do for us?” Anyway, moving along and speaking of vibes, there is a new wave of energy when it comes to live music in Chelmsford which is just what the doctor ordered....

A new flame has been lit courtesy of ‘EVOKE’ Night Club, formally Chancellor Hall, which many of you will know from the 60’s through to the 80’s hosted some great names in rock history, such as The Clash, The Undertones, Thin Lizzy, The Buzzcocks, The Specials, Wilson Picket, Fleetwood Mac,

‘10CC, Ultravox, Madness, Adam and the Ants, Alison Moyet & Yazoo and Bad Manners to name but a few.

With it’s new lease of life at Chancellor Hall, ‘EVOKE’ are bringing back the good times when it comes to live music and Thursday July 19th got off to a great start with a positive spark. MISSING ANDY - famous for their runners-up accolade on SKY TV’s reality music competition ‘Must Be Music’ topped the bill with a great display of songs from their new album ‘Generation Silenced’ whilst also throwing in a ‘Madness’ classic crowd pleaser ‘Baggy Trousers’ for their loyal supporters. And we mustn’t forget the support band Mad Mod’s are Englishmen who are no stranger to the big stage themselves, having a pedigree of supporting top bands such as the Kings of Leon, Ocean Colour Scene and The Specials. They too warmed up the crowd with a hot set of covers from The Who and the Rolling Stones to the Beatles and even a bit of Northern Soul thrown in for good measure. But both these great bands created a bit of history by being the first bands to grace the stage since the closure of Chancellor Hall many years ago and at the same time set a new benchmark for our very own live music scene which can only be great news for many of you music lovers and local bands out there.

So what’s next?

Well, the live music keeps on coming to ‘EVOKE’ every second Thursday of the month and the first official night will kickstart on Thursday August 30th featuring 80’s Ska/Reggae Punk Band Bad Manners fronted by the man himself ‘Buster Blood Vessel’.

Yes, finally, at long, long last, a great named band is coming back to the centre of Chelmsford, courtesy of promoter yours truly, me! So let’s reminisce back to our youth and have a bloody great night, because let’s be honest, I think we could all do with a blast, couldn’t we?

And for all you Blues enthusiasts out there, ‘Blues in the City’ will emerge on our scene from 27th September at various venues including Acoustic Blues artists performing at the Hooga Bar while the final stage of the festival will be held at ‘EVOKE’ on Sunday 30th September featuring the Blues Corporation, The Mustangs, Rosco Levee and Earl Green & the Right Time promoted

by Nick Garner.

But it doesn’t stop there as more bands are soon to be announced in the schedule mix and there may even be a few surprises on the way, so keep your ears to the ground, keep tuned-in, keep on supporting LIVE MUSIC IN CHELMSFORD and let’s back to the good times!

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FIFTY...NOT OUT

by Steve Ward GOOD TUNE, INNIT?

YOUR CAR YOUR CHOICE!

Make the right choice!

It’s time to service your car. Where do you turn? You take it to the main dealer, right?

Well it’s your car, so it’s your choice…

You may think that when you purchase a new car you should only go back to the main dealer and that going to another service centre will void your warranty but this is not the case.

Your independent garage offers experienced and fully qualified technicians as well as diagnostics and other servicing equipment. They will also guarantee to fit parts that are of an approved quality standard.

Choosing an independent garage over a main dealer will save you time and money and provide a fast, efficient, ‘hassle free’ and friendly service.

So shop smart, make the right choice. Choose your local independent garage.

It’s your Right to Choose Ask your local independent garage for more information or visit www.right2choose.org.uk

Page 28

By the time you get to read this, the Olympics will be in full swing.

Those of you that work in London will be cursing Seb Coe, David Beckham, Tony Blair and anyone else who had anything to do with screwing up your daily journey in such a spectacular fashion. And of course, the whole purpose of spending a gazzilion quid was to make the trains from Chelmsford to Liverpool Street even more of a lottery than they are usually.

OK, we're exaggerating a bit to make a point, but it is definitely going to be a problem for anyone trying to go about their daily business in and around London for the weeks the games and their para version are in play.

Yes, it's a prestigious thing to have been awarded, and the fact that it annoyed the French was an added bonus, but by and large, the games are a bit of a risk to the country's image. The transport infrastructure isn't capable of handling a normal load, so the organisers have had to go to some extraordinary measures to paper over the cracks. We've been told to work from home, which is not very easy for bus drivers, is it? Or sandwich shop owners. Or shelf stackers. Then, should you decide you are going to ignore the warnings and travel in to London anyway, there are special lanes laid out on all the major routes that only the cars of the Games' dignitaries are allowed to use. Fair enough for the athletes and umpires - it would be disastrous PR if Usain Bolt missed the 100 meters final because the tube broke down, which is a completely believable scenario in normal times.

On the other hand, does the Nigerian High Commissioner really deserve a special lane so that he can be whisked from his West End embassy to Stratford in speedy luxury to rub noses with the great and good (and David Cameron) at a cocktail reception?

OK, so that's all a bit killjoy and maybe the games will be a spectacular success and the world will see London as a go-to destination in the same way that Barcelona became a true world city after it hosted the Olympics in 1992.

Maybe the joy felt by people letting their pokey little one bed council flat in Barking for several thousand pounds will outweigh the groans from those trying to get around. Maybe everyone will ignore the anti-aircraft rockets on the top of the old Bryant & May building. Maybe, maybe.

Incidentally, if it were deemed necessary to actually use those antiaircraft rockets, where will their target fall? Slap bang on some poor bugger's house in east London. Which makes it a rob Peter to pay Paul type situation, doesn't it. We stop Jess Ennis from losing her medal, but half of Hackney disappears in a fireball instead. It's not been thought through.

Anyway, all that was by way of an introduction to a few thoughts about something central to the very essence of what constitutes Britishness. It's a subject that comes up from time to time without any resolution or potential change ever actually happening.

It's something that will come to your mind again during the Olympics when a Brit stands atop the rostrum, tears streaming down his or her face, as the Union flag is unfurled in the drizzle, and the dreadful dirge that is our National Anthem creeps out of the speakers apologetically.

You will undoubtedly ask yourself why, when we’re supposed to be celebrating a famous British victory, the tune we do it to has to sound so bloody miserable.

When compared to the jaunty little ditty that is the Italian version, the military style French Marseillaise, or even the stirring US national anthem when it's actually sung by someone with decent lungs, ours is, well, we'll use the word again a dirge. Fortunately, they only ever use one verse of it, because there are actually five, and if they played all that lot, the stadium would be empty, or asleep, before it ended.

Still, at least one verse of ours doesn't go on for six minutes like the Uruguayan one.

If we accept the current ode to Her Madgeness isn’t very good, what should we have instead?

Billy Connolly always used to reckon the theme to The Archers would do it - cheerful, hummable and about twenty seconds top-tobottom. Other people have suggested Monty Python’s ‘Always Look on the Bright Side of Life’, the Beatles ‘All You Need is Love’ and even a two minute loop of ‘Barmy Army’.

But if we really want one that reflects British society and attitudes, there’s but one song that hits the bulls-eye slap bang in the middle. You have to be of a certain age to remember it, but in the 1970s Sham 69 had a big hit with it. Yup, that one called ‘Hurry Up, Harry’, but which everyone knows by it’s chorus, which goes…..

We’re going down the pub.

To comment on this article email: steveward2000@hotmail.com

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TOTALLY TRACIE FIFTY SHADES...

Is there a woman alive today on the planet who has not read the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy? Every Facebook quote and every Twitter tweet I read seems to be to do with FSOG. Every woman wants a Christian Grey in their lives, complete with the ‘Popsicle’ safe words and I have to agree, me too, although I hasten to add not just for the nonstop sex, but for the endless supply of Christian Laboutin shoes.

One poor lady was reportedly so engrossed in the book that she did not notice her chip pan had caught fire and was burning her house down!

Women just can’t get enough of it. It is the most downloaded book of all time, apparently even bigger than the Bible with over 40 million copies sold worldwide. It’s certainly touched a raw nerve in us women. Virgin Airlines have even included it in their in-flight entertainment, as an audio book! However, I doubt after 10 hours holed up in Economy Class anyone would feel the least bit in the mood for sex. But Mr Grey and his private jet, oh yes, I would definitely grit my teeth and succumb to a good thrashing for the chance of giving up screaming kids hurling themselves up and down the aisles.

Bedrooms have suddenly become red hot with us girls wanting more than merely ‘vanilla’ sex. Our inner goddesses are just waiting to leap out with some meringue - salsa moves.

Anne Summers reports a complete sell out of whips, blindfolds and handcuffs whilst B&Q have not got a cable tie left anywhere on their shelves.

And those sneaky estate agents never ones to miss a trick - have been hastily rewriting their sales particulars to include ‘Room for a Playroom’.

Once women wanted a new kitchen and an extra bedroom for guests to stay over, but not anymore. Sod that!

What women want after reading FSOG is an extra room suitable for installing a ‘Flogging Cross’ and a cabinet full of whips. Good luck explaining that one next time the mother-in-law wants to stay over.

The Internet Dating site Sugardaddy.com and meetamilionaire.com have reportedly been inundated with women signing up in the hope of meeting their very own Mr Grey. Suddenly geeky IT men have become very fashionable indeed.

Women are now looking at men and sizing them up to see if they have a

Page 30

BDSM streak capable of making our insides practically contort with potent, needy, liquid, desire...or is it just going to be ‘vanilla’ from here on in?

Asked what women liked most in the book, 79% said they loved the line from Mr Grey where he says, "I'm a very wealthy man, Miss Steele, and I have expensive and absorbing hobbies" whilst 90% said they loved the idea of a dominant man. Blimey, Emily Pankhurst must be spinning in her grave right now!

But it would appear that men are not feeling the same way about the book.

A Mr. Hodgkinson became so enraged about his partner reading it that he threw Brown Sauce all over her and received a charge for common assault. Maybe if he had smothered her in whipped cream, Baby Oil or hot wax instead, he would have been in for the night of his life?

But men have nothing to fear for they are about to get their very own version. Yes, Peter Andre has announced that he is going to write a book for men.

I managed to get a sneak preview of his first chapter and for the benefit of all you chaps out there, here goes: “The Mysterious Girl sauntered into the bathroom, holding a can of Orange Spray Tan, which she then proceeded to cover my entire naked body with.....”

Laters Baby!

EMBARRASSING MOMENTS I had cause to visit the doctors the other day, but before popping in I anticipated the long wait, so I nipped into the local newsagent and bought myself a magazine to read and a bag of Maltesers to scoff whilst I was in the waiting room. Anyway, when I arrived at the surgery, I popped my mobile phone in the glove compartment as I didn’t want to disturb anyone in there should it ring. Sitting down I started to read the magazine and began what I always do - tear bits out that interest me to keep.

I noticed the receptionist tutting at me and when my name was called out, I promptly put the magazine under my arm and noticed the receptionist positively glare at me.

After seeing the doc I then went back out to make a fresh appointment with the angry receptionist who was very short with me. As I was leaving, she said, “Have you quite finished with that magazine?” I snapped back at her, “No, I haven’t!” and promptly stuffed it into my bag and left.

Well, when I got back home and went to retrieve my phone from the glove compartment, I nearly died when I discovered the magazine I had originally bought also in there, along with the bag of Maltesers. How absentminded of me was that? So I had inadvertently stolen from the Doctors Surgery right under the very nose of the receptionist. I could have died of embarrassment right there and then.

So I went back the next day and apologised profusely, only I know she is an Edge reader so I just wanted to apologise properly in print and thank her for her good humour once I’d explained and handed over a few replacement magazines - but not my Maltesers!

Tracie123@aol.com

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The Edge 190:The Edge 172.qxd

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09:43

Page 32

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