The Edge Magazine March 2017

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EDGE

the

‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

ISSUE NO: 245

MARCH 2017

NEW STORE NOW OPEN N O. 1 BOND STREET CHELMSFORD

01245 267576

www.theedgemag.co.uk

|

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Telephone 01245 348256

Mobile: 077 646 797 44

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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LARGE STUDIO HALL TO RENT in Witham SUITABLE FOR PERSONAL TRAINERS, FITNESS CLASSES, LOCAL CLUBS, BALLET etc.

Available Monday-Friay 6am-10pm Saturday 4pm-10pm Sunday 6am-10pm Discounts for regular bookings.

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I’ve had to give Ben Churchett the month off this edition, readers, on account of his wife having a baby.

Yes, I know, that’s what I thought....such a damned inconvenience.

However, if does offer one the opportunity to show a picture of your typical Edge readers, relaxing in their lean-to in Galleywood.

Benjamin will be back in April with yet another of his amazing caricatures, folks.

The Edge 077 646 797 44

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THE BRIDGE I must say, I absolutely adore those ‘old style’ lights in the very centre of Chelmsford’s new bridge, linking the Army & Navy with Chelmer Village and beyond.

There are four lampposts with two ‘fishbowl’ lights atop, so eight in total.

Just wanted to give a well deserved pat on the back to whoever sourced them as they are true works of art.

FLEECE Have you ever heard anyone say, “Oh, that’s a wonderful fleece you’re wearing?�

No, me neither.

The Edge Editor’s Column BLUE LIGHTS I was travelling on the M25 the other Saturday morning when I, and no doubt many other drivers, encountered one of those truly annoying prickish idiots behind a wheel.

First I knew about him was when he undertook me by cutting in on my left flank. Like a bloody Messerschmitt, he was. One minute he was in the inside lane, then the middle, then the outside lane, before reversing the process seemingly at whim, just so long as he could get past the very next car that was in front of him.

Now we’ve all seen drivers like this and they are so fecking annoying because I’m sure he wouldn’t have the balls to cut in front of any of us in a supermarket queue. But safely cocooned inside his own tin can on a motorway. Only that’s just it, isn’t it? It’s anything but a safe way to drive.

So imagine my sheer and utter delight when, a couple of cars back, I suddenly spotted two blue flashing lights, not on the roof, but built into the grille, of some dark coloured souped-up Skoda.

GYM Went to the gym the other morning, which is not something I do very often these days. Got on the rowing machine to warm-up. Was rowing for all of two minutes and 30 seconds before thinking: ‘Feck this’.

And that was that.

I just grabbed my bag and left.

There’s will-power for you.

LOVE IT (NOT) Don’t you just love it when you’re the car behind another car that’s giving way to traffic coming around a roundabout and you see a sufficient enough gap approaching that will let both of you out. Only the custard in front hesitates, before pulling away, so that only they get out.

Total ankers.

*

CITY AIRPORT I seem to be doing a fair few airport runs of late (none of them for my own holidays, I hasten to add) and my latest was to City Airport, London, which was a first for me. By god, they certainly know how to charge for parking down there.

BIG BUTCH MEN Had to go for a blood test to Bradford Street early the other morning and I must admit that I didn’t have the best night’s sleep the night before.

I confessed this to the nurse as she was sticking a needle into my arm and she tutted and said, “Men are definitely the worst scaredy cats of all. Particularly big, butch men with tattoos.�

HUMAN Human seems to be playing everywhere.

It’s as massively popular as Adele’s Hello and Sam Smith’s Like I Can. Thankfully it’s a hell of a lot earthier too.

Praise be to the Rag’n’Bone Man.

TIME TICKING BY The nearest thing to a frothy coffee that I can make at home involves 3 heaped teaspoons of skimmed milk powder in a large mug, stirred vigorously whilst adding water, then place in a microwave oven for 3 mins 10 seconds before adding coffee and honey.

But it’s those three minutes and ten seconds that really get to me these days. Because I stand there, doing nowt (although to be fair I’m usually washing something up that the wife has left in the sink, as she simply doesn’t do washing up, or drying for that matter), waiting for the microwave to ping. And I get to contemplating on how I’ve just wasted those three minutes and ten seconds and how I’ll never get ’em back.

I think it’s an age-thing that makes you think this way, as I never used to pay much attention to making a brew, albeit a posh one (that’s what I think of a homemade frothy coffee as, at any rate). But I certainly do now.

THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 7 97 44 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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The Edge 01245 348256

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This is! just as! cute cute ! as ! ! can!!be, !!isn’t!!it, ! !! readers. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !Edge !

Doggy ! Deliveries, ! !The ! !!reckons !!it must ! ! be. !Get! a present delivered to a loved one like !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! this and Bob will most! !certainly be! your uncle. ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !in !the Say there’s ! ! !a Cartier ! !! bracelet ! box, or ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !a fresh cream ! ! strawberry even just tart.! The ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !be simply ! receiving ! end ! ! !would !! lady on the ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! punch, ! ! ! wouldn’t ! ! she just?! ! pleased as ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !him, ! ! how!! about ! ! ! !a spare ! ! TV! remote? ! ! !

And for ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !on!!a much ! !! !note, !

Although think ! ! !darker ! of! ! the ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! movie and the head of a Jack Russell? ! !Se7en ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !!! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !!!! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!!!! ! !!!! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! !!!! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! !! !!! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! !!! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !!! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! !! !! !!! ! ! !! !!! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! !!!! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! !!! ! !! ! !

Doggy Deliveries ! ! ! ! ! !

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It’s got pouting ! !Kelly ! !! Brook, !and ! ! to !be !! !! ! !slinking ! ! ! ! ! and sashaying !! ! ! her ! ! those fragrant ! ! !! way ! ! !through Baylis! & Harding !! ! what ! ! ! !soap ! and ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ads! !for! liquid !! ! ! have ! !you. !!! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!god ! ! ! ! !

Oh! my !! !lord.... ! ! !

Check out! !the! picture! above. ! ! !! !! !

From!! a! guy’s !! !of !view, !bit ! ! as ! ! !! ! !point ! ! it’s!!every ! intoxicating !! ! ! ! ! !stopped ! ! ! !when ! ! !! !! as ! !Eva !Herzigova ! ! !her!! !‘Hello ! ! Boys’ ! !! ! traffic ! !!! !! ! ! ! !for ! with ! !! billboards Wonderbra. ! !! ! ! !!! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! !! ! !

And ! ! ! ! ! because ! I!!guess ! ! ! that’s !! ! ! are ! ! !stupid. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!men !!! must ! !!! ! !women ! ! ! ! Well, ! !! we !!! !!mustn’t !! ! !! be, ! !!! !! !!we? !! !! !Because ! ! certainly ! !! !!!! !! ! love !! !!tell ! ! !!us !!guys ! ! !!that !! ! ! !daft. !! ! !! ! to ! !! !we’re ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! !!

Don’t ! ! ! !you, ! ! !girls? ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! do! !you ! ! ! many ! ever hear say stuff ! But!! how !! ! ! guys ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! !! !! ! !! kick ! ! out ! ! ! of ! ! “She ! bed?”

Or, ! like,! “I! wouldn’t ! ! !her ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !she !could...if ! !! ! !!! have could me, she ! ! played ! ! her ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! !! ! ! !!! ! !!! ! ! cards ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !!! ! !!! !! ! ! ! right.” ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !because ! ! ! say ! !! that. !! ! !! !! ! !men We ! ! don’t, !! ! ! don’t !!! ! stuff !!!! like ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! go !! that. !!! ! !!! ! !! ! !!and !! !! !! it! at !We !! leave ! !just !!! !!“Phworrrr” ! ! !! ! !out ! ! there. !!! !about !! !!!women ! !But !!some ! !! ! !! !!of !!you !! ! ! ! !!Talk !!! ! ! !stations. ! ! !! !!!ideas ! having !! ! ! !! above ! ! ! your ! ! ! !! ! ! !

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The Edge 245_The Edge 172.qxd 18/02/2017 10:41 Page 6

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Maximum one blow-dry per day A month is calculated from the 1st day of the month to the last day of the month (i.e. 1st - 31st) Has to be with your chosen stylist, either Lily or Betsy Any other hair services are charged at normal rates, blow-dry package not included This offer is not to be used in conjunction with any other Stephen Alexander offer

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“So this is what Trump wants to build, is it?”

“An impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful, beautiful, southern border wall” between the US and Mexico, The Edge believes is how he’s described it, which, lest we forget, the Mexicans will definitely pay for.

The US-Mexico border is approximately 1,900 miles long and apparently traverses all sorts of terrain, from empty, dusty desert to the lush and rugged surroundings of the Rio Grande.

Some 650 miles of the border is currently already covered by a confused and non-continuous series of fences, concrete slabs and other miscellaneous structures (old lorry tyres?).

DJ Trump is on record as saying that the wall will cover 1,000 miles and that bags of sand and ballast from Chandlers Builders Merchants will pretty much take care of the rest.

Hmmm, I wonder?

Throughout his campaign to become President he did nothing but bang on about the prospect of his damn wall. “It will definitely be a wall,” he said. “Not a fence.” Which clearly rules out tall iron posts and wire mesh. Therefore concrete is the obvious choice.

However, in the US monthly magazine imaginatively called Concrete Monthly, a New York based structural engineer has estimated that a 1,900 mile wall would require about 339,000,000 cubic feet of concrete (which is 12.5 million cubic yards) - three times more than the Hoover Dam. He went on to say that such was based on a wall that stood five feet below ground and twenty feet above it, whilst the hair lacquered Republican favours one ranging between 30ft up to even 55ft tall - but we all know how he likes to elaborate.

Taking this a stage further, it would appear that the concrete would need to be manufactured in slabs nearby - the likelihood being in dedicated plants - before being transported to building sites in lorries where big cylindrical drums constantly revolve throughout the journey to stop the slop from setting.

Christ only knows where he gets his figures from, but DJT guesstimates the total cost to build the wall will be $10 (£7.5) billion to $12 billion, even though estimates from fact checkers (who?) and engineers seem to be universally much higher.

The 650 miles of fencing already in place has cost the US government more than $7 billion, whilst none of it could apparently be described, even charitably, as impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful, or beautiful.

And who ultimately pays for it?

More recently Trump has suggested the US will foot the bill and Mexico will reimburse, whilst Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto has scoffed at such an idea and labeled it “fanciful bullshit”.

We’re all entitled to our opinion and for what it’s worth, The Edge simply cannot see it happening.

Maybe it’s just the fact that Trump dislikes the Chinese even more than he dislikes the Mexicans and ‘his (imaginary) wall’ would merely be a show of one upmanship? Not that he could ever create anything as beautiful as The Great Wall of China.

x

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rock n roll productions presents

Based on the life and music of the small faces written by carol harrison

See Jeremy Hardy live as he celebrates his 4th decade as a stand-up.

The Coolest Musical Ever

“FUNNY FIERY AND BRAVE...

YOU’LL HAVE A ROCKING NIGHT OUT” DAILY STAR SUNDAY

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“A SMILE-INDUCING NIGHT OF MOD NOSTALGIA”

THE MAIL ON SUNDAY

THE SUNDAY EXPRESS

MonCivic 1stTheatre, - Wed 3rdChelmsford May Wednesday 29 March - Saturday 1 April Tickets: £25.00 Conc: £23.00 Groups: £22.50 Box office: 01245 606 505 chelmsford.gov.uk/theatres

The Edge 245_The Edge 172.qxd 21/02/2017 09:20 Page 8

The real cost of wine A question that I am often asked is, “If I spend more on a bottle of wine, will it be of a ! ! ! ! ! better quality?” !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !

To really understand what is involved !! ! ! ! ! !we ! ! !! ! ! !! !costs ! !! of a need to look at a breakdown of!! the bottle of wine at various price! points. ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! 83p. ! !!! ! !!is For a £5 bottle of wine, V.A.T. at! ! 20% ! !around ! !!

There will be a retail mark up! of !! ! ! ! !£1.30 ! !! that ! ! ! once and duty is £2.08. So we can see ! ! !! ! !! !their !! ! ! ! the taxman and retailer have! taken ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!!79p. share, the winemaker is left !with !! !! around ! ! ! ! ! just ! ! ! not With that he has to cover the !cost, ! ! ! ! of ! !! ! ! !packthe wine, bottle, the! ! label, !! ! !but! also ! the ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !transport, !!! !!plus ! ! aging, any wholesaler costs. ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! " ! ! means ! ! ! the! value ! ! ! ! of! !the !! wine ! ! in!! the That ! ! ! that !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! bottle You will not ! !! ! !!is ! only ! ! !! ! 5p !to !!10p. ! !! around ! ! ! ! a bad !! ! !wine, ! !! !it!! will necessarily but ! !! ! !!!! ! ! !be!! drinking ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! be from an industrial ! !a! mass-produced ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! wine ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! that ! sized ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! needs ! ! !!! !winery ! !! ! !!! to !! !meet !! !! !! tight ! !!! ! !!budgets. !I make no! judgement ! ! ! ! here. !! ! There !! ! is !a! !! ! ! ! ! for ! !! ! !at !this! price ! ! point !! large demand ! ! ! ! ! !wines !! ! ! ! ! ! ! and ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !of! these ! ! ! are ! ! soft, ! fruity the majority and ! ! ! ! wines ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! !! !! !! !! ! ! ! !It! is just ! ! that ! ! !they lack very drinkable. ! ! !!a! cer! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! are! ! !! ! ! !that ! ! !some ! ! wine ! ! ! drinkers tain ! !!character ! ! ! ! !! !! !! !! ! !! ! !! ! for. ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! looking ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !at! !a ! ! ! ! ! bottle ! ! !

Let’s wine. ! ! ! !! The ! !! ! look ! !! £10 ! ! !! ! !of ! ! !!V.A.T. ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! equate ! ! ! ! ! ! ! would to £1.67, retail mark-up is ! ! !! !! ! !! ! !! ! !!! ! ! !!! !!!! duty !!!! !! ! still ! ! !!£2.59 !!! !£2.08. !That ! ! around ! ! !! ! ! and ! !! ! !! is ! ! ! ! ! ! £3.66. ! ! ! The ! bottle, ! ! cost ! of !! ! the ! !! ! !! label, !! ! leaves ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! !! packaging and transport will not change ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! between ! ! !! ! a! !£5! and !! ! bottle. ! ! So ! ! ! !! much !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !£10 ! ! !! !if !we ! ! ! take ! ! ! ! the! wholesalers ! ! ! ! ! ! !margin ! ! ! ! ! and then ! ! !! out !! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! profit, ! ! the ! !value ! of ! !the! actual ! ! ! !!! winemakers ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! wine! ! is! ! in!!! the !! !!! ! !!! of! !£2.10. ! ! !region ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! value ! !! !!a! big !! difference. ! ! ! ! The ! of That!! is ! ! ! !!quite ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! the! wine in the £10 bottle is more than 40 !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !that ! !! !! in! ! !a! £5 ! !bottle. ! !! ! ! times than ! ! higher ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!to! be of! !a ! better But!! is!! ! the !wine ! ! ! guaranteed !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! quality? ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !

The ! ! ! ! the ! ! winemaker !! ! ! ! ! !! fact !! !is! that !! you !! ! ! are ! ! paying ! ! ! ! the !! !! ! less ! ! !! will ! ! !of to produce ! !! ! wine. ! ! ! He ! !! ! limit ! ! ! !yield ! ! ! ! ! is! of ! ! ! ! ! so!!!that ! ! ! ! !!the ! ! fruit!! produced the! vines ! ! ! ! ! ! a ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! He ! ! can ! select ! the !! best ! ! grapes ! ! ! !quality. ! ! ! ! better ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! not! quite ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !that ! ! !! ! those and! !!! reject ! ! ! are ! !!! ! ripe ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! enough.

The vineyard will be sited on plots ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! that really ! ! suit ! the ! !variety ! of! grapes ! ! being ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! where ! ! weather, ! ! !! ! the !! ! aspect ! ! ! !!!and grown ! !and ! ! ! !help ! !! ! micro-climates ! ! ! ! ! ! !will ! produce !! better any to ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! will ! ! !!grapes. quality The winemaker ! ! !also! be !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! as ! ! ! ! ! ! such able to! invest in!! the! best ! !! ! equipment, ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! controlled ! temperature tanks to create the ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! for ! !! ! conditions perfect fermentation, ! ! ! !! ! ! ! as! ! well !! !! as ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !barrels !! !! ! ! supply !! ! ! !!in !which ! ! a constant of!! new ! ! !oak ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !! to mature ! ! the ! wine. ! All ! of this ! adds ! ! to the ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! finished ! ! !! !! !but! ! also ! the cost, to the!!quality ! ! of ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! product. ! !!! !! ! !!! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! after ! !! ! there ! is! !still no However, all! of! this ! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! absolute you enjoy the ! ! !! !! ! !!guarantee ! ! !! ! !! ! that ! !will !! than !!! the !! !£5 bot£10 bottle of!! wine any more ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! thing, taste ! ! is subjective, !! ! ! tle. one plus ! For ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !are there such things as good and ! ! !! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! bad ! !! !! vin-!! tages. more, there !!!! !What’s ! ! honest ! ! ! ! !produc! ! !are !!! ! ! !! ! !!! !! ers!! and those who are less so. ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!!! ! !! ! ! !! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Then ! !! we ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !the ! ! ! supermarket !! have ! !! ! !! !! !!conundrum.

Is! the !! ! ! bottle !! ! !! ! !and !! !! ! £10 !! ! ! ! half! !! !! that ! ! was ! !! !!is now price ! ! !! at !£5 ! ! ! £10? !! ! It ! !! ! ! !! !! really ! !! !! worth ! ! is ! ! a! !difficult ! ! !!! ! !to!! answer, question !! ! !! !but ! ! ! ! I !always ! !! !the ! ! ! on ! ! ! ! !! err ! !!of ! caution. side !! !! ! !! !!many ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !Supermarkets ! ! ! ! ! ! offer ! ! !! so ! !! ! ! and offers, ! !deals !! con!!! ! !BOGOF’s ! ! ! !! !! ! that ! ! ! !! it!!! can ! ! !be ! ! ! ! ! and ! ! !can ! !! !undermine !! ! !! ! !!! the ! ! fusing shoppers !! !! ! ! ! ! trust

in what they are buying.

So what about bottles of wine that sell for ! !! of pounds? !! ! Is ! the !wine really that thousands much!! better say, a ! ! ! ! ! !that !! !! !! than, ! ! !!costs ! ! ! ! ! ! bottle ! !! ! £50? ! ! !At ! !!! point ! ! of! the ! ! a! certain !!! ! price ! ! the ! ! !!!quality ! ! ! ! !! and !! ! wine ! overshadowed ! !! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! !by!! the ! !!is !! demand ! ! !! !!situation !! !! ! ! ! ! !marketing). !!! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! (or !! just supply !! ! ! !brilliant ! ! of ! ! ! !of !! ! ! ! !!! example, ! ! !! !! !a ! ! eight For ! set ! ! ! ! !bottles ! ! ! ! !! over !! ! ! ! fetched ! ! !£150,000 !!

Romanee-Conti !! ! ! !! ! !! !!!!! ! 1990 ! !! back ! !! ! in ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!! !! ! ! !!!! !!! ! ! !! ! way ! 1996. ! ! ! !I am ! !! ! the !!! !a! great !!!! ! !was !!! ! ! vintage !

1990 ! ! ! ! and ! ! sure ! ! ! was !! reason ! ! !! ! ! for !! !! delicious, ! ! ! ! ! ! but! the !! such wine a ! ! !was ! ! ! !! ! ! ! the ! ! ! extremely ! !!! ! ! ! small ! ! ! !quantity high!!! price ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! !! !! !! ! ! !! ! !!over !! !! 50 ! ! produced by the vines, which are ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! !!!! ! ! !! ! !! !!!! !! !! !! ! !!! ! !! ! ! years old, on such a small plot.

Plus, the ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! for !this ! ! ! of! wine ! !! !! ! !very ! ! ! at demand ! ! ! ! ! ! style ! ! ! ! !! was ! ! ! ! high ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !hence the! ! time, !! !! ! !! the ! ! ! !mind !! !! blowing ! ! ! ! ! price. ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !! !! !! ! !! !! !! ! !! !! !! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !

Here some ! are ! !choices ! ! of ! the ! !my ! !! !! !for ! ! ! best ! ! ! ! ! ! on ! ! ! !the ! ! ! !! ! ! value ! ! !!wines ! ! ! !! sale ! ! ! !! moment... ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!at ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

White sauvignon blanc ! ! ! !!– Peter ! ! Yealands ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!

Co-op ! ! !!£6.99 ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !Marlborough ! ! ! sauvignon ! ! blanc. !Full ! of Typical ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !peach ! apricot ! ! and ! flavours lovely and aromas ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! notes ! ! ! of !tropical ! ! ! ! such ! !as! !! with fruit ! ! tell-tale ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! passion fruit and mango. #! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! –!! Domaine ! ! de !!Sainte Rosè ! !! ! Rose, ! ! !! Coquille ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! It! is worth ! ! stocking ! ! ! ! ! ! up ! !Waitrose d’Oc, ! ! !! ! ! £7.49. ! !! ! !! !! ! !! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! on this for the! summer.

It is! full of strawberry ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! and and raspberry flavours !and is ! ! ! aromas !! ! ! !!!! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! made! by winemaking ! English ! ! ! ! ! maestros ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! Ruth ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !

Charles ! ! ! !! !Simpson. ! ! ! !! ! !! !!! ! and ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! Series ! ! ! !! ! ! !de ! Nîmes Red -! Venturer !! Costières ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! Rhone ! ! ! Lots !! !! ! !!of !! !! ! ! - Aldi ! ! !! !£4.99.

2015, ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !!Southern ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! a baked blackberry and blackcurrant fruit with ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!of ! tannin. ! !Amazing ! ! !value! ! strong ! ! ! ! ! backbone ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Sparkling Prosecco ! ! ! !! ! – ! ! ! La! Gioisao ! ! ! ! ! !! DOCG, ! !! ! !! !! !!(mix !! !! ! ! !six) ! ! ! –!! We ! !!

Majestic cannot !! ! !!£9.99 !! ! ! ! ! ! seem ! ! ! ! ! ! ! to !! ! ! ! ! of !! !Prosecco, ! ! ! !! ! !! which ! ! has ! to! get enough led ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! !versions ! ! ! seriously !!! some ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! !sub-standard ! ! ! !! out ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !This! ! one, !however, ! there. ! !! ! ! !is something ! !a bit !! ! ! !The ! ! !! ! !character ! !! fresh, ! !! ! ! ! !! ! is ! really special. ! ! ! !fruit ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! the confected/artificial ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! we rather than !! !! flavours ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! are! presented with elsewhere ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !!!! ! !!! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! !!! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!!! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !!! !! !! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!!! !!! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! !!!! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !!! !! !! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !!! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !!! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! !!! ! !! ! ! Bull ! ! ! ! !! Educator ! !! Neil ! ! ! DipWSET, ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! Certified !! ! !! !! Wine !!! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !!! !! !! !! Essex ! ! ! ! School ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !!! !! www.essexwineschool.com ! ! !! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

!

!

!

A1£15

Posters Full Colour (on 165gsm Matt Poster)

£2.30

Black Ink Plans/CAD

01245 26 25 27 25 Duke Street, Chelmsford CM1 1TB

Call us today or visit us in store for details!

Prices inclusive of VAT subject to terms & conditions

What men always suspected...

Page !!!8 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"#$!%&'$!()*+,!-+.*,/!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The!!Edge 01245 348256!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Edge 245_The Edge 172.qxd 18/02/2017 10:42 Page 9

GALVIN GREEN MAN There’s 25% OFF your food bill when dining from the a la carte menu at The Galvin Green Man in Howe Street throughout March, readers, available both lunchtimes and dinner, Mondays to Wednesdays only. Please note: This offer is only available to book through the Galvin website (widget) or over the phone, or via email, and is not valid on the Set Menu option, or in conjunction with any other Galvin Green Man offers.

Monday 6th - Sunday 12th March is British Pie Week, so Monday to Friday lunchtimes a Pie and a Pint is available for £12.

Sunday 12th - Friday17th March is the Cheltenham Festival - on screen in the pub.

Wonder what the story is ’ere then?

This guy probably woke up, or got out of the shower, only to find his flat was on fire.

Clearly he didn’t have a lot of time at his disposal and was forced to make a fairly sharp exit.

Lucky for him the fire service were swiftly on hand with an EML (extendable metal ladder) or it could have been a lot more than merely his possessions that went up in balls of flames.

However, there’s something about this photo that makes The Edge want there to be far more to it than that. It’s just crying out for a story.

Such as this bloke had actually been having an illicit afternoon of passion round at Mrs Brown’s flat and she’d unfortunately set the frying pan alight whilst making him a post-coital bacon sandwich to help keep his strength up. Although where poor Mrs Brown is right at this precise moment, the mind can only boggle.

Perhaps the fire service rescued her first? Or perhaps she’s still wafting the flames with a tea towel, as you know what women and mess are like.

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Monday 13th March is Movie Night (in the pub) screening Julie & Julia. Beef Bourguignon is available at just £5.00 Free entrance and homemade popcorn.

Friday 17th March is St. Patrick's Day, so why not join in the festivities over a few pints of Guinness and some traditional Irish stew.

Book now for Sunday 26th March which is, of course, Mother’s Day. Sunday lunch menu plus a little gift for all the lovely mums!

Warren, Kerry & Max

Ana Botin What an exceedingly attractive lady Ana Botin is.

So The Edge was naturally chuffed to bits to discover that she’s ever such a high powered player in the banking world and also executive chairman of the Santander group, which look after all of The Edge’s finances.

Naturally this mag is geared up to internet banking these days, so it’s never ‘popped in store’ to see Ana in action on the tills. But she’s only very slightly your editor’s senior, so perhaps there’s ever such a slim chance that I could become her, you know, toyboy, as it were, as I’m sure she’d hate to lose The Edge’s account (which would be merely gentle persuasion and leverage, rather than out and out blackmail, you understand).

Knowing Ana is personally looking after my finances I must admit to finding it all rather comforting, because deep down I guess I’d simply suspected the top dog would be a bloke (Jeez, I really hope that doesn’t sound sexist of me, because it’s truly not meant to be).

It’s the same whenever I see a woman driving a bus. I’m pretty much always speechless and involuntarily start to dribble.

I blame it all on being a product of the sixties, because way back then, all bank managers were Captain Mainwaring types, whilst every single bus was driven by Stan Butler.

Page 9

The Edge 245_The Edge 172.qxd 18/02/2017 10:42 Page 10

LAUREN’S

LOGIC

Spring Fever HELLO SPRING! The clocks are going forward this month and we will no longer be in complete and utter darkness at 4.30pm.

Halle-bloody-lujah to that.

This could momentarily be the real life ‘light at the end of the tunnel’.

Yep, we’ve finally made it back to the good ol’ days.

The last three winter months may as well have been spent in the Antarctic, and like we British do, we will have no doubt expressed our displeasure about the freezing cold temperatures every single day to whoever will listen.

Such as: “GUESS WHAT? It’s only -2 degrees this morning AGAIN, Pete! Can you believe it? I need a holiday.”

Until November, I will now point blank refuse to wear my winter coat, scarf and gloves and opt for a lighter, summery jacket, paired with some sunnies balanced precariously on the top of my head. Because if we are no longer within the winter season, our optimistic approach to summer should begin RIGHT NOW, in Spring, on 1st March 2017.

Are we all in agreement???

Behind the Bar

MUMMY TUMMY TO

YUMMY MUMMY DNA Group Fit a fun fuelled fitness solution 7 Day FREE Trial Visit: www.bootcampit.com Page 10

There are two key positives to having a part-time job in a restaurant.

One, clearly, the food. The kitchen can only be described as a ‘happy place’ in which both my co-workers and myself would happily spend 4 hours out of 5 roaming around for any signs of scraps.

I have grown to believe that food is ALWAYS the answer, never mind the question.

Begin a shift feeling miserable? Then challenge yourself to eat a dozen roast potatoes in under three minutes and things soon perk up.

Remember that it’s your birthday in 6 months time? So celebrate it early by eating a whole cheesecake.

Wonder how many calories are in a basket of bread rolls? Who cares.

Eat the whole lot, then gently pat your new food baby.

To all of you foodie’s out there, the world of hospitality is a great one, even on Mondays.

Two, my ability to believe I am Roxwell’s answer to Paddy McGuiness.

Working in a restaurant situated within the county of Essex brings in a variety of single, well groomed, potential candidates for my very own restaurant Tinder. From Harry Styles lookalikes to Ronaldo himself, I firmly believe that working front-of-house behind the bar offers a great opportunity to play cupid with me, myself and I. The girl who is always on the ‘singles’ table at weddings. Plus, any free dinner is still a dinner, right?

So there you go.

Food and (potential) dinner dates. The job description that sold me.

I’m actually quite surprised I haven’t been fired yet.

A Street Cat Named Bob Just as I sat down to endure my Thursday evening episode of Eastenders with a nice hot cuppa, I was outraged that my parents had attempted to ‘mix up’ our weekly TV schedule for a ginger tom.

A Street Cat Named Bob was released in 2012. So as an involuntary choice, 5 years later and as an apparent self-confessed feline lover, I have only just given Bob my time and attention. I’m even pretty mortified myself, truth be told.

Anyway, blue-eyed Bob has us all crying into our low fat biscuits. The (true) storyline is about a blossoming friendship between a drug addict and Bob, a stray ginger cat.

It’s honestly far more uplifting than it sounds.

So there I sat, with my cat, Fat Frank, showing him how much of a luxurious life he’s obtained, as opposed to just how bad Bob has had it.

Fat Frank holds his name with good reason. I’m yet to deny him any of his favourite foods (Quavers, Muller Corners, Pot Noodles), especially when the poor thing is distressed watching Bob’s life on the big screen.

Thank you, James Bowen, for enlightening my furry child’s life. The boy is now more than aware he has it good. Very good, in fact.

So it’s definitely five stars from me.

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 245_The Edge 172.qxd 18/02/2017 10:42 Page 11

And the winner is...

The Best of Chelmsford is delighted to announce that they have a national winner in their category of the Business of the Year 2017 Awards.

With 34 reviews, kitchen design and fitting company Regal Kitchens (see back cover of The Edge) on Navigation Road are the winners, beating off competition from businesses across the country. The number and quality of the reviews they received are a real testament to their ongoing commitment to deliver excellent service and a positive customer experience.

During the campaign local people were asked to show their support for their favourite businesses by submitting a review of the service they had received. At a national level, over 37,000 verified reviews were received for those businesses who had qualified to take part in the awards.

The awards operate at a national and local level with a UK Business of the Year, Category Business of the Year and Town Business of the Year.

Those businesses who won in their category nationally can be very proud of their achievements. With Regal Kitchens winning, this has certainly placed Chelmsford on the map for all the right reasons.

On a local level, Indian restaurant Live Dosa received 61 reviews, winning Best Business in Town, whilst recruitment company Ascension Global Recruitment received 18 reviews and came third nationally.

Tom Bosher from The Best of Chelmsford said, “We are incredibly proud of all our local businesses who qualified for the Chelmsford Business of the Year Awards. They received some fantastic reviews from local people using their services. On behalf of those businesses, I would like to thank every single person who took the time to leave a review. By doing so they publicly acknowledged the contribution these businesses make to our local economy.”

For more information about the Best of Chelmsford’s Business of the Year Awards, please call 01245 701020 or email Chelmsford@thebestof.co.uk

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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The Edge 245_The Edge 172.qxd 21/02/2017 10:46 Page 12

Broomfield and the Walthams Boreham and the Leighs

Chelmsford Rural West

Writtle

Chelmsford Urban Areas

Little Baddow Danbury and Sandon

Galleywood Bicknacre and East and West Hanningford

jÉÉwÄxçËá c|éétá

South Hanningfield Stock and Margaretting

South Woodham Elmwood and Woodham

Rettendon and Runwell

South Woodham Chetwood and Collingwood

The ‘wards’ of Chelmsford

5pm-8pm

FRIDAY 3rd 17th 31st March

Village Hall car-park, South Street, Great Waltham.

The Edge honestly thought wards were different wings of hospitals.

But no, for the above are the various wards of Chelmsford and your editor finds himself living in the urban area, which doesn’t sound very posh, does it?

I was curious to discover what exactly are the wards of London, and surprisingly Candlewick (Green?), Cripplegate, Farringdon Within, Farringdon Without and Queenhithe are but five of a total of twenty five.

Apparently a ward always has a wooden noticeboard displaying the name of the Alderman (the what?), the Common Councilmen (one of whom is the Alderman’s deputy) and the clerks of the ward.

Jeez, and where are the stocks and the noose located?

This is all far too Oliver Cromwell for The Edge.

FRIDAY 17TH MARCH 7-11PM

£40 UNLIMITED FOOD & BOTTOMLESS DRINKS (BEER-WINE-PROSECCO-VODKA) CALL 01245 283 646 TO SECURE YOUR TABLE

Page 12

The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 245_The Edge 172.qxd 18/02/2017 10:43 Page 13

Spidermen with Drums This is what Chelmsford needs in its city centre on a Saturday. Professional middle-aged musicians dressed up in Spiderman suits.

Not some guy constantly, monotonously, banging a drum outside Lloyds Bank that surely cannot appeal to anyone, least of all those poor sods working a Saturday shift inside the bank.

Such a racket certainly spoilt your editor’s cup of coffee in the sunshine sat outside Pret a Manger the other weekend.

We also need the chaps on the market outside Debenhams to shout out about their fruit and vegetables in the Queen’s English. After all, Chelmsford isn’t ’Ackney or Peckham, lads.

Oh, and while we’re at it, Edge missus reckons The Meadows ought to pull out all the stops to encourage Zara into their shopping centre, as there certainly seems to be sufficient space.

www.theedgemag.co.uk

She was only 45 Very sad news so far as this mag is concerned that Tara Palmer Tonkatoy bit the dust last month.

She was only 45 for gawd’s sake; what sort of an age is that to croak?

Yes, I know, she was treated for cocaine addiction back in 1999 and had to have cosmetic surgery after her septum collapsed due to excessive snorting, but give the girl a break.

I remember her most fondly from the time she came second to Tony Blackbum on I’m A Celebrity... back in 2002, particularly the occasion when she decided to do a rabbit impersonation and started hopping about a bit for no good reason that I could see. I immediately thought, ‘Yep, TPT will do for me.’

People die all the time, but you never know how you’re going to feel about it until they do, do you, and the news genuinely made me feel sad.

I don’t think Tara ever found love, did she, and that’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

In her time she wrote columns in the Sunday Times, the Spectator and Tatler, so why I never approached her to write one every month in The Edge is a massive misjudgment on my part.

Bless you, TPT.

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Page 13

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Who’s been sleeping in my bed?

Every now and again, your editor doesn’t mind an away-day purple-nighter.

You know, a cheapo overnight stay in a Premier Inn for no other reason than (a) it’s inexpensive, and (b) it gets you out of Chelmsford for 24hrs.

In early January, I had a look on LPW (Lenny’s purple website) and managed to bag me and the missus a £35.50 overnight stay at their Newmarket branch, which is slap bang in the middle of the town centre (not that there’s very much to it). What’s more, the parking is 100% free just over t’road, which is something you definitely won’t find in the likes of Bristol, although granted there’s far more to do there.

We were also lucky enough to be able to dump our bags in our room as early as 12-noon, whilst it was also the very last one along the corridor on the first floor, which was good because noone would be walking past in their size eleven hobnail boots, and we also benefitted from having two large windows, one with a balcony, due to it’s corner-plot location. (And as I said, all for just £35.50 on a Saturday night.)

The weather was rainy, grey and murky all the drive up, yet miraculously brightened to clear blue skies the moment we set about familiarising ourselves with our surroundings, which was right proper ’andy, ’Arry.

Page 14

A Newmarket Purple-Nighter

It didn’t take us long to have a mosey down the main High Street, which unlike Chelmsford’s has cars driving up and down it, and we found a delightful little deli tucked away on a side-street where I purchased a smoked salmon and cream cheese roll, whilst my lovely wife opted for goat’s cheese and salad (as she’s a bit kinky like that). Oh, and they had a great selection of Pipers Crisps, and if you’ve never sampled a packet, then you should, as they’re the best and it’s always a good sign when a place stocks ’em as you instantly know you are dealing with discerning peeps, on account of their choice in potato crisps, you understand.

Sandwiches scoffed, there was nothing for it than to trek back up the High Street and have a couple of rounds of drinks sat in the sunshine outside The Wagon & Horses Inn. Fact is, you can actually afford a round or two as it was just £7.70 for a large (repeat, large) glass of sauvignon blanc, plus a pint of Ye Olde Speckled Hen, when quite honestly you can pay that price for just a large glass of wine in Chelmsford.

However, two things that you don’t often see (fortunately) back home. Firstly, a couple of old timers stood in the doorway smoking their rollups before returning to their beer, but not, I hasten to add, before one of them gobbed onto the pavement. Secondly, a guy in his early forties, I would guesstimate, wearing fake-leather trousers with no top on (yes, that’s right, his torso was bare, apart from his tats and his braces) on a mountain bike.

I wondered whether that was simply ANT (a Newmarket thing) or whether he was perhaps a little odd? After spending a little more time there, I figured it was the latter.

That evening it started raining again, so we decided to take advantage of Lenny’s ridicu-

lously cheap ‘meal deal’, whereby you pay just £23.99 per person for 2-courses for dinner, plus as much as you can eat the following morning for breakfast (I said it was cheap, didn’t I just?).

TBH, I couldn’t fault my whole rack of ribs (which I paid extra for as I wanted the true Fred Flintstone experience, as opposed to a Barney Rubble sized half-rack) plus a chunk of BBQ chicken breast and new potatoes, while the missus also paid extra (well, she didn’t, but I did, as I’m a gent like that) for her rib-eye steak.

Oh yes, and I also had three G&T’s for just under a tenner. Crazy, eh?

Got talking to the Purple manager who was still there at 9.30pm after starting his shift just after 5.00am that morning. Said he’d been a Purple employee for almost 23 years and they gave him a badge (yes, a badge) to commemorate his 20 years of dedicated service. (He had B.O.) Purple beds are great, you can’t really fault ’em.

Next morning, bacon was undercooked and my omelette was like no omelette I’ve ever been served before. Weather was also crap, so we gave Palace House a swerve (I wasn’t forking out £16.50 each for that), drove back home and were sat in front of the tele watching a movie by 1.30pm, which was rather nice.

Palace House The National Heritage Centre

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French Connection arrives in Chelmsford Le Bouchon Brasserie & Hotel in Maldon opened its doors in September 2012 and has since become a popular fine dining destination with people from all over the South East.

The 300-year-old Georgian building restoration programme took approximately two years to complete and now comprises of 14 French boutique style bedrooms, some of which include luxurious four poster beds, three separate dining areas, including a Georgian Dining Room seating approximately 20 people, a light and airy Orangery seating a further 40 people, and the main restaurant seating 75 people.

period building which has been extended significantly to include; an Orangery which holds approximately 60 people, a Tudor Room which holds 16 people for an intimate family dinner or corporate dining affair, with the main restaurant holding a further 75 diners. Their welcoming oak beamed Bar & Brasserie area holds a further 40 people, which during the winter months boasts two glorious log burning fires. Throughout summer, you may dine Al Fresco in the beautifully landscaped and screened gardens with secluded intimate tables and a wider open lawn open area.

The car park, which is extensive, holds up to 80 cars.

Trip Advisor Private Mooring Guests are received into a welcoming cocktail bar to enjoy Le Bouchon’s extensive cocktail list and G&T menu. In season, boat trips take place from Le Bouchon’s private mooring along the Chelmer & Blackwater canal. The motor launch holds 12 people and is perfect for a post-afternoon tea or lunch excursion.

The Hotel offers Stay & Dine Packages which comprise of an overnight stay in a luxury boutique style bedroom, along with Cream Tea upon arrival, followed by a 2-course evening meal and a choice of cooked or continental breakfast the following morning. A standard room package starts from an unbelievable £67.50 per night. Room upgrades are available on request.

Both venues cater for Private Functions and Special Occasions, such as birthdays and wedding anniversary dinners. Both venues offer a blend of French and English cuisine which has attracted comments on Trip Advisor such as: “Wouldn’t be out of place in Mayfair”, “Deserves a Michelin Star” and “As good as Dubai’s finest restaurants”. These, and hundreds more similar comments, are due to the extremely hard work of all of the staff and particularly the efforts put in by the six Michelin Star trained chefs.

Rettendon Common

Following in the success of Le Bouchon, the owners decided to open a sister venue on Rettendon Common on the outskirts of Chelmsford. Once again, a major restoration took place of the 16th Century heavily timbered

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This is somewhere in Cornwall, right?

Wrong.

It’s actually a place called Staithes on the North Yorkshire coast, up past Scarborough and very near to Middlesborough, only check out how very beautiful it looks, readers. Yet The Edge had never even heard of it.

The shot below in particular strongly reminds me of Port Isaac, where Martin Clunes as Doc Martin is filmed. Only Cornwall’s in the south, but Staithes is blinkin’ oop north, and there lies the dilemma.

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SNEAKY PETE Still winter and was desperate for another series to watch, after concluding Billy Bob Thornton in Goliath, so The Edge has turned its attention to Giovanni Ribisi (and doesn’t his name just trip off the tongue?) and Brian Cranson in Sneaky Pete.

Breaking Bad star Cranson is one of the creators of Sneaky Pete, about a released convict (Ribisi) who adopts the identity of his former cell mate in order to avoid his previous life catching up with him.

Verdict: 6.5/10

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The Edge 245_The Edge 172.qxd 18/02/2017 10:53 Page 17

Classic Theme Tunes!

T

homas Shelby, leader of a charismatic Romani gang, The Peaky Blinders, set in Birmingham after the first World War. Anyone who hasn’t watched this formidable series from its inception is truly missing a trick.

Its theme tune fits it perfectly, because it’s proper bad ass, although ‘Red Right Hand’ by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds wasn’t written to order; it originated some 20 years previously.

Peaky Blinders has been a slow burn in the UK (although The Edge was there from day one), but it’s developed a cult following in the USA.

The vast majority of you will probably be saying, “Man in a Suitcase who?” But if you were played the theme tune to TFI Friday, you’d recognise that instantly, right?

The Edge used to watch Man in a Suitcase way back in 1967-68, which effectively replaced Danger Man, when Patrick McGoohan decided to create his own series called The Prisoner.

The lead role went to method actor Richard Bradford as McGill, who was spotted after appearing opposite Marlon Brando in the 1966 movie The Chase.

McGill was a former US intelligence agent, forced to resign from the service after being practically accused of treason. He makes ends meet by working as a travelling private detective and bounty hunter who pretty much lives out of his suitcase, hence the title.

There was only one single series consisting of some 30 episodes, but its theme tune surely surpasses it.

Other themes considered were Big Country, shot in California’s Red Rock Canyon, which has a truly awesome beginning. Goldfinger, which is powerful beyond belief with its famous two-note phrase (at least The Edge thinks that’s what it’s called, down in the horn section), whilst Bassey nearly passed out on the final note. The Magnificent Seven is right up there too, as is the theme from The Persuaders, starring Roger Moore and Tony Curtis.

But the one that has always given me goosebumps in John Barry’s theme from Zulu, starring Stanley Baker and Michael Caine.

This image is every bit as powerful as Al Pacino’s Diego ‘Scarface’ Luna, don’t you think? While the Get Carter theme tune, by jazz pianist and composer Roy Budd (the opening bars, if indeed they’re called bars, are truly spine-tingling, played on a Wurlitzer electronic piano) must surely be one of the all time greats in cinematography history.

Shot in Newcastle-upon-Tyne, Gateshead and County Durham, Get Carter was slagheap gritty and is destined to go down as one of the best British movies of all time.

Quote of the film: “You’re a big man, but you’re out of condition. With me it’s a full time job. Now behave yourself.”

One of Michael Caine’s best ever roles, apart from his portrayal of Ray (effing) Say.

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Local Writer Has Second Novel Published An interview with local Little Waltham novelist Fiona Collins by The Blossom twins.

Local girl Fiona Collins has her first novel out now, entitled ‘A Year of Being Single’.

Without a word of a lie, we absolutely fell in love with it, but aren't going to give too much away as we’d really hate to spoil it for you :) We can certainly see Fiona quickly becoming one of our favourite authors.

BT: How does it feel to have your first book published?

FC: It feels absolutely fantastic, thrilling and also a little nerve-racking to tell the truth. I really can’t think about much else at the moment. My children are lucky I’m remembering to pick them up from school.

BT: ‘A Year of Being Single’ is about three women who swear off men for an entire year. You are clearly married with children, but what would you say is the best thing about life on the other side?

FC: I haven’t been single for many years, but I do remember enjoying my own space and that feeling of freedom, to come and go just as I pleased.

When you’re not emotionally attached to anyone your happiness is your own responsibility and not in the hands of someone else. You don’t have to worry about game playing. That’s another really great thing about being single. Plus having control of the remote, going to bed when you like, and eating nothing but Pringles and shortbread all day long without anyone even caring (yes, I have done all of that).

BT: We recently did a post about taking a moment to appreciate what our husbands do, rather than focusing on the things they sometimes don't do.

What would you say is sometimes the most difficult/frustrating/funny thing about living with a man?

FC: Ah, I have a lovely husband, but he is a man and they do have their moments/quirks. In his case, I would say it’s not ‘seeing’ mess, although this can be to my advantage, because if I ever neglect to do the housework, he often doesn’t notice. What else? Football. The strange things men want to watch on telly (Aircraft Investigation, On Death Row, Inside World War II Prison Camps, whilst also being curious about How Drill Bits

Are Made, anyone?). Pot Noodles. Random black socks living at the bottom of the bed. That kind of thing.

BT: And the best bits about being married/with a partner?

FC: Socks aside, climbing into bed with the person you love at the end of each and every day - that’s really nice. Having someone to talk to, even if they don’t always listen, because sometimes pretending to is often enough. Feeling you are not on your own, that you’re in it together. My husband also makes a mean smoothie and does all the gardening, which is fantastic as I absolutely hate it, although I do enjoy following him around with a basket and handing him things.

BT: What is your favourite book and who are some of your favourite authors?

“A laugh-out-loud hilarious book with a deft turn of phrase and a very real grasp of what it’s like to be a woman.”

FC: A book I keep coming back to time and time again is ‘Playing Away’

by Adele Parks. I love the writing, the story, the roller coaster of emotions.

To me, it’s a perfect read. I also adore Marian Keyes, Jane Fallon and Helen Fielding, plus Kate Atkinson’s ‘Jackson Brodie’ series.

BT: What do you like to do when you’re not busy writing?

FC: Reading. Watching telly with the kids. Sleeping. Eating chocolate (oh hang on, I do that while I’m writing)!

BT: What do you love most about being an author?

FC: Writing. Freedom. And being close to the fridge.

BT: What part of the writing process do you like most? Those first creative ideas, the actual writing itself, the editing, or receiving the final copy?

FC: I think it’s the editing. Everything’s down on paper, the story has its shape, the word count has been reached, so then I can start to write my book ‘properly’. I absolutely adore that stage. It’s pure happiness.

BT: If you were to go on a girlie holiday, with no men allowed, what would be your ideal destination?

FC: Every now and then I meet my old university friends in London for shopping, dinner and cocktails, so I guess I’d like an extended version of that and I’d choose Hong Kong. I lived there for a while, in the 90s, and it has everything; fabulous shopping, amazing nightlife and a million restaurants to choose from. We’d spend a week there, then hop over to Thailand for another week of just lying on a beach. Money no object, obviously!

FC: Say you’re having a night in with some girlfriends; what movie do you watch?

FC: Oh it’s got to be ‘Sex and the City’ - the first movie, although the second one would do, I guess. Or absolutely any episode whatsoever from the TV series. And we would accompany this feature-length fabulousness with wine and chocolate and ban our husbands from coming into the room and making lurid comments about Samantha.

You can follow Fiona on twitter @FionaJaneBooks You can and must discover ‘A Year of Being Single’.

Lucy and Kelly xx Page 18

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I used to live in Brentwood The Edge absolutely loves this!

This pic should have actually appeared on this months Totally Tracie column (see page 30), only (a) I couldn’t fit it in, and (b) it deserves the same amount of space as it’s getting above.

Just where does one acquire gold lame bin liners, eh? Because The Edge definitely wants some, just for a laugh.

They’re pure pretentiousness personified, but we all have a bit of that in our DNA, don’t we?

I remember I once went shopping to Asda, but bagged everything up in some orange Sainsbury’s carriers and my immediate neighbours were none the wiser.

But gold bin bags really takes the biscuit. They’re fantastic.

So come on, where do you get ’em from?

Surely The Edge’s Beaulieu Park audience will be able to answer that particular question for the rest of us?

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DIVORCE tying up loose ends If you are getting divorced, most people believe that you just need to issue a Petition. The common mistake is forgetting to sort your finances.

Many people believe that going through the divorce process also deals with all of the financial claims. This couldn’t be further from the truth. If financial claims are not dealt with, you run the risk of your ex-spouse making a claim against you in the future. Often people say they trust their spouse to uphold their end of the agreement, or that there is nothing to divide, but this does not consider that you may inherit, obtain a substantial pay rise, or win the lottery! This is when the problems can arise.

Family Law at

THB Solicitors 73 Springfield Road, Chelmsford, Essex, CM2 6JG Offices also at Freeport Office Village, Braintree and Ipswich

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A Consent Order can help you to formalise financial agreements, such as who will get the house, what happens to savings, pensions and debts, before the divorce is finalised. It is still important to have an agreement even if you have nothing at the moment.

The order will be approved by a Judge, who will consider whether it is a reasonable division of the assets. You do not need to go to Court if the Consent Order is prepared properly, and we can help you with this. There are many people, years after divorcing, who are facing financial claims, legal costs and the stress of potential court proceedings. Don’t let that be you.

If you have reached an agreement about your finances and wish to keep things amicable, we offer competitive fixed fees for preparing Consent Orders.

For more information contact Alexandra Dancey-Tucker on 01245 349696 Email: adancey-tucker@thblegal.com Or visit www.thblegal.com.

T

T H B

S O L I C I T O R S

How does core strength benefit your body?

Think of your core as a muscular corset that stabilises your entire body, helping to give you a centre of gravity whether you’re at rest or moving your limbs. Just as a ballerina uses her centre of gravity to keep her balance as she spins across the floor, you draw upon your core strength whenever you walk, sit, exercise or perform pretty much any activity whatsoever. So many of our body’s movements originate from our core, so by working towards improving its strength will enhance our posture, spinal alignment, stability and more. Researchers continue to study the various ways core strength improves health and wellbeing. Here are a few of the proven benefits of having a strong centre.

Alleviates Back Pain: Research shows that people with weak core muscles have an increased risk of back ache and injury, since they lack adequate spinal support. Corestrengthening exercises and core-engaging workouts, like yoga and pilates, can help reduce discomfort, whilst improving mobility and support for the spine in people with both acute and chronic pain.

Improves Posture: Core-strengthening exercises work all of the muscles of the torso, from top-to-bottom and front-to-back, helping us to stand tall with our limbs in alignment.

By improving posture we decrease our risk of disc herniation and vertebrae degeneration. Another benefit to better posture? Better breathing. That same balance that helps us stand up straight also opens our airways, making inhalations and exhalations easier.

Improved Balance: Poor balance is a complicated condition, but lower body weakness, vestibular dysfunction and neurological deficits are often contributing factors. Studies have shown that dynamic balance improves as core strength increases.

Safer Everyday Movement: Daily tasks such as maintaining balance on an icy sidewalk, hoisting children and walking up a steep flight of stairs are easier and less likely to result in an injury when you core is strong. Not only do you have better control of your muscles, but you can more easily find your centre if you’re caught off-balance. In addition, being able to rely on a strong core will make it less likely that you’ll overtax other muscles.

How Can You Build Core Strength?

Yoga and Pilates are great for working our core because the postures target those muscle groups. If you’re new to these activities, don’t be surprised if you wake up the day after a workout with aches in your lower belly, as well as your lower and upper back.

Those are your core muscles waving hello and thanking you for spending some time strengthening them.

There are countless other activities to strengthen your core, from swimming to cycling to kick boxing. You can also try some specific exercises, whether that’s classic sit-ups or plyometric moves….the list goes on. Talk to your trainer or exercise physiologist about a routine that’s right for you. It may be helpful to have an expert show you how to do some moves with proper form, so you can do them safely and effectively on your own. info@totalsportstherapy.co.uk

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YOU’VE BEEN TRUMPED I was disappointed by the scenes of protest in response to Donald Trump's executive order which temporarily bans people from seven majority-Muslim countries from entering the United States. What we saw was not a #MuslimBan, as there are over 40 different countries worldwide that are majority-Muslim and are not affected by the executive order. The steps Trump has taken are similar to what Obama did in 2011 (when he banned visas for refugees from Iraq for six months). The seven countries named in the Executive Order are the same countries previously identified

by Obama as sources of terrorism.

This is not forever, and America will be issuing visas to all countries again, once they have reviewed and implemented the most secure policies to ensure that they are safe from terrorist attacks.

And what business is it of ours if America elects a leader on the back of a promise to look at ways of protecting their nation from overseas terrorism? More importantly, how do you think the majority of UK citizens would vote if a similar temporary ban was proposed by Teresa May in an effort to protect our borders? You don't ban leaders from state visits just because you decide you don't like their policies. Our relationship with the United States is a ‘special one’ and vitally important in terms of the future success of Britain post-Brexit.

LIGHT SHOWERS (OF SHITE) The famous song goes: "I don't care what the weatherman says, if the weatherman says it's raining, you'll never hear me complaining. I'm cer-

tain the sun will shine."

Some might think that the opening lines of Louis Armstrong’s ‘Jeepers Creepers’ are a positive reflection of his positive outlook on life. However, my view is that he probably just learnt not to trust anything a weatherman says as they are really quite hopeless at forecasting the weather.

Honestly, is there any other industry or profession that is so bad at getting their predictions wrong? This is particularly frustrating when you don’t take a coat to work, as no showers are forecast, only to find yourself drenched to the skin before you even get to Chelmsford railway station.

Billy Hinken just another gimmick that was destined to be consigned to a box in the loft in but a few weeks time. Now I know it's only early days, but ‘Alexa’ looks as though she is going to break the mould and win a permanent place on the TV unit, alongside our Sky TV box.

For those of you who are not in the know, this little tube of magic enables you to speak to the web and control a variety of tasks that allows you to play music, request news updates, order a take-away, book a taxi etc.

I am shocked by the level of technology and couldn’t recommend it highly enough. Can you imagine your excitement as a child if this kind of gadget had been featured on ‘Tomorrow’s World’? I literally cannot believe that we now live in world where this type of thing is even possible.

I do wonder if John Kettley et al even know the difference between summer and winter.

AMAZON ECHO Despite making subtle hints, and by subtle I mean telling my wife outright, no Amazon Echo turned up in my Christmas or birthday presents (although I did get a thermal vest).

I also got some money off my Nan though, which I used towards buying myself the latest gadget from Amazon.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am a sucker for a gadget and so when I asked my wife why she hadn't got me one, she said it was

LI

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THE ANCHOR RIVERSIDE

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Yes, Trump’s order goes much further than Obama’s did, but I don't understand why people are so shocked and surprised. There have been protests on the streets of London calling for President Trump to be banned from a state visit to the UK, purely because a small minority of left-wing extremists do not agree with his policies.

Protests are normally reserved for demonstrations against politicians breaking promises, or changing and bending the rules - not for when a democratically elected leader follows through on his promises.

Did you know that in 2016 alone, the Obama administration dropped over 26,000 bombs. This means that every day last year, US forces bombed enemies (or civilians) overseas with an average of three bombs per hour.

When Obama left office, he had been at war longer than any other president in US history. He is also the only president to serve two complete terms with the nation at war, so where were the protestors then? Moreover, I don’t recall seeing such mass hysteria when Robert Mugabe visited, or Xi Jinping, or Nerendra Modi.

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The Edge 245_The Edge 172.qxd 18/02/2017 10:55 Page 22

ONLY JOKING! TRUE SCOTSMAN

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant in town.

"Ooooh, did ye smell tha’ food?" she asked.

"Incredible!" he agreed.

Then, being a kind-hearted Scotsman, he thought, ‘What the heck....I'll treat her.’

So they walked past it again.

CHEAP FLIGHTS I was on the computer last night, when my wife asked what I was doing.

"Looking for cheap flights," I replied.

"I love you lots," she said, getting all excited.

So she quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex.

Her reaction whilst I was looking for flights was completely odd, because she's never shown any interest in darts before.

Q&A Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

DEESE! Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London when Paddy looked in a shop window and saw a sign that read: ‘Suits £5.00 each Shirts £2.00 each Trousers £2.50 per pair’.

Paddy said to his pal, "Look at the prices of deese! We could buy a whole load of dem and when we get back to Oirland we could make a mint. So let’s go in, you keep schtum and I'll put on me best English accent so dey don’t try to rip us off.”

"Roight y'are, Paddy. I'll keep me mouth shut," says Mick.

So they go in and Paddy says in a posh voice, "Hello, my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each."

The owner of the shop sighs and says quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"

"Doh," says Paddy. "What gave us away?"

The owner replies, "We're a dry cleaners, sir."

Q&A Q. What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The firmness of the grip.

FOR SHORT "Hi, I'm Jane," she said.

"I'm Christopher," he replied, "although everyone calls me Dick for short."

"Dick?” she said. “How on earth do you get Dick from Christopher?"

"Just ask," he said.

What a gentleman.

WHY? If flying is so safe, why do they refer to the airport as the terminal?

THREE LIFELINES LEFT Paddy is going really well on ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire’. He's got to £500,000 with all of his lifelines still intact.

Chris: “OK Paddy, for £1,000,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers.

Was it: Ronnie Biggs, Ronnie O'Sullivan, Ronnie Corbett or Ronnie Wood? Take your time.”

Paddy: “I'll take the money, Chris.”

Chris: “Are you sure? You've still got three lifelines left.”

Paddy: “I'm sure, Chris. I'll take the money.”

Chris: “OK, Paddy. Audience, give him a big hand. But before you go, Paddy, I'm sure you'd like to know the correct answer?”

Paddy: “Oh I know the answer, Chris.”

Chris: “You know the answer? You've just turned down a million quid, Paddy. Are you mad?”

Paddy: “I may be mad, Chris. But I'm no feckin’ grass.”

AER LINGUS Shortly after taking off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, an air hostess nervously announced that the catering department had made a terrible mistake.

Although 226 passengers were on board, they had received only 126 dinners. She apologised profusely and said that anybody who was kind enough to give up their meal to somebody who was hungry would receive free unlimited drinks throughout the flight.

The next announcement came one hour later when the air hostess said, “If any of you are hungry, we still have 116 dinners available.”

DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? A professor at the Cardiff University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asked, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raised their hands.

“Well, that's a good start,” he said. “And out of those ninety students who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raised their hands.

“That's really good,” he said. “I'm really glad you are taking this so seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

About 10 students raised their hands.

“Wow! That's fantastic,” he said. “Now let me ask you one further question. Have any of you ever had sex with a ghost?”

Way at the back, Gwyn raised his hand.

The professor took off his glasses and said, “Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, not one single person has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. So come down here

and tell us all about your experience.”

When the Welsh student eventually reached the podium, applauded all the way, the professor said, “So tell us what it was like having sex with a ghost?”

“Ghost?” exclaimed Gwyn. "Ghost? Shit. From way back there, I could have sworn you said goat."

WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE A farmer stopped by his local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed, but they couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far away and he would walk home.

On his way he stopped off at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped off at the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem. Just how was he to carry his purchases home with him?

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane?”

The farmer said, “As a matter of fact, my farm is very close to Mockingbird Lane and I would walk you there, but I can't carry all this lot.”

The old lady suggested, “Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket and carry the bucket in one hand. Then put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Thank you very much,” said the farmer and proceeded to walk the old girl to Mockingbird Lane.

On the way he said, “Let's take my short cut down this track and we'll be there in no time.”

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and said, “I am a lonely old widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get down this track you won't pull up my dress and have your wicked way with me?”

The farmer said, “Holy smokes, lady. I'm carrying a gallon of paint in a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly have my way with you?”

The old lady replied, “Set the goose down and cover him with the bucket. Then put the tin of paint on top of the bucket while I hold your chickens.”

SCOOBY DOO Every Scooby Doo episode would only be two minutes long if only the gang would go directly to the mask store first to find out who’d bought one recently.

PREGNANT One of my friends is pregnant and I’m really, really, really, really, really excited.

Because she is just soooo skinny, she’s going to look weird.

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 245_The Edge 172.qxd 18/02/2017 10:56 Page 23

NAKED EXERCISE CLASSES A personal trainer has launched the UK's first ever nude workout classes.

A total of 10 participants apparently bared all to take part in the first ever nudercise class, and just how many of those would have been family or friends, eh, readers?

Former recruitment consultant Helen Smith (35) - who is well trim, it has to be said - led the circuit-style workout, which included jumpingjacks (OMG), sit-ups, push-ups and partner work (Jeez).

The hour-long class, which costs £8 per session, is described as ‘gentle boot-camp style exercise with partner games and teamwork’ that is suitable for all fitness levels.

People aged between 33 and 70-years-old took part in the first ever class in Southampton, Hampshire, but Helen welcomes adults of all ages to try the activity (aye, aye, so she’s a bit of a cougar on the quiet then, is she?).

Helen, who is a member of naturist organisation British Naturism, said: "The main benefit of

exercising naked is that you can really see what the instructor is doing when she demonstrates the exercises. (Oh aye, the participants will doubtless cop for a right eyeful of that.)

"For example, if we are doing the plank, but wearing baggy exercise clothes, it is quite hard to tell if you have the correct form or not.

"And you also don't have to worry about washing sweaty gym clothes after the class (you’re clutching at straws now, Helen). Plus it's a great way to celebrate the body."

Tut, why doesn’t she just put her cards on the table and say: “I like to get my kit off and I like to look at other people who are naked as well”?

While her class is a nude activity, women can wear sports bras for comfort and participants can wear trainers if they wish.

(Oh, and what about SEB (super endowed blokes)? What do they get to wear? Although to be honest, they’re probably proud as punch to have an opportunity to show it off.)

Helen was inspired to become a naturist two years ago after visiting the South of France and came up with the idea of nudercise after someone on a forum asked her whether she offered nude fitness training.

She said: "I decided to look into it, but I couldn't find anything about it at all, so I genuinely think I'm offering the very first classes of this kind.

"The focus is to allow people to take part in a normal activity, but naked, so that they don't feel as though they are doing anything unusual."

(Not doing anything unusual? Hell’s bells, Helen. Pull the other one, love. On second thoughts, you’d better not.)

She adds: "Participants are required to pre-register by emailing me, and to show ID at the beginning of every class, just for everyone's peace of mind.

"Nothing untoward happens during the classes, and if there was even a hint of that, then the person responsible would be asked to leave."

(I reckon your editor wouldn’t last five minutes before I was given my marching orders.)

Helen left her job in recruitment two years ago to become a full-time fitness instructor and she runs various classes and boot-camp workouts.

She quit her job in recruitment because she says it involved far too much clothing.

"I think people are slowly starting to embrace naturism,” says Helen. "It's interesting, because in this day and age, you have on the one hand popstars wearing scantily-clad clothing, and that being seen as quite sexual behaviour. But on the other hand, you have things like naked bike rides....(which brings us to page 24, readers).

"The idea behind naturism is that it is your body as nature intended it, and therefore there is nothing sexual about it."

A participant commented after one of Helen’s classes, “That was fun. Far too many people are body conscious and it’s so liberating being naked and free.”

It is thought that nudercise classes will soon begin to take place in London and across the south east, readers, which if I’m not mistaken is where Chelmsford is situated.

Wonder what the housewives, homemakers and Boot Camp mums will think about all of this malarkey at the classes I attend?

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The Edge’s Man in Thailand Every true Englishman loves a good market. Markets are sewn into the very fabric of our lives and cultural heritage. Many of us have even lived in ‘Market Towns’ up and down the country. Long before we had the world’s shops at our fingertips online, regular trips to local markets kept our thirst for consumption satiated. As someone schooled at Brick Lane as a child, before it became a hipster’s wet dream, clothes were ‘second hand’ and cheap as chips, as opposed to ‘vintage’ or ‘retro’ and ten times the cost.

Thailand is a marketer’s dream. Nearly every neighbourhood has one, brimming with all kinds of fresh foods and other miscellaneous treats. I try and avoid anything that has ‘floating’ in the name, as in my experience, these are for the tourist dollar only. You are far better off finding a local night market (open late to avoid the burning sun) where you can shop ’til you drop, and enjoy a few beers as you browse. Now, after 18 months have rapidly passed, you might assume I am fluent in the lingo? But the reality is, I am barely able to say more than a few key sentences. For a while I have been ruing my lack of progress, but now I have reached a near state of nirvana: what’s the point? Let me explain; the things I can say inc. greetings, goodbyes, please, thank you. I can order food and more importantly drink. I can ask where something is. I know how to count and monetary amounts.

I can say yes, no, don’t know, don’t understand. I can say like, dislike, and love. I know how to say rain and hot, the two prevailing weather conditions. What else is there to know? In an ideal world, I would spend hours pouring over my study books and language apps each and every day. I would engage locals in all kinds of witty, erudite banter. But then here’s the rub, and it took me a while to realise; despite being fluent in English, I didn’t actually use it to talk to people. I was never one for idle chit-chat, whether it be at a bus stop or down the Dog & Ferret. If someone spoke to me, I was rarely rude, and almost always polite, but I have a habit of ‘yes/ no/maybe/please stop talking to me’ type of responses that make unsolicited verbal exchanges short and sweet. I’m just not a talker. Or to be more specific, I have no interest in talking to people I don’t know or like. Am I a typical Englishman in a foreign climate, pointing, shouting, and expecting Jonny Foreigner to just bally well learn the Queen’s, whilst at the same time bemoaning the fact that on many streets in London, English is not always the first language?

Before shouts of “Irony. Irony!” from the apoplectic Guardian readers amongst you, dropping your Fair Trade mango yoghurt down your hand-knitted organic jeans, it’s a non-sequitur. Thai is not a global language. In fact, standard Thai is not even used much outside of Bangkok. There are a myriad of ethnic and hill tribe dialects, in the north, east, and south. Issan, the large area of the North-East, is far closer to the Laotian language than Thai, although these are linguistically similar, so if

you don’t know one, how will you know the other? More important is the pay-off.

Foreign nationals in the UK learn English as it opens some pretty big doors. Work and job opportunities, housing, education, social security, healthcare. English isn’t essential, but it certainly helps when accessing the wealth of free or heavily subsidised services Blighty offers all-comers. Meanwhile, I am, in effect, a persona non grata. I cannot partake in public life or public services. If I do so, I will be heavily charged for the privilege. Despite ‘living’ here legally, I have very few rights and certainly wouldn’t look to raise my head above the parapet when it comes to public life. Being fluent in Thai does not even qualify a ‘Farang’ for working here, if that’s their only marketable skill. Couple this with the fact that Thailand is languishing near the bottom of the education league tables for English. Like it, loathe it, or blame it for things that happened a few hundred years ago, English is the World’s language, certainly until such time as we make way for the Chinese overlords.

Business, the internet, and all other manner of opportunities are open to someone who can speak a smattering of English as a second language. So by proxy, if I speak in pidgin Thai with plenty of English words thrown in, I’m helping out in my own small way? For those of you who remember the ill-fated Champions League interview of Steve McClaren, who at the time was managing a Dutch football team, how we all laughed at his badly put-on Dutch accent? Although I have the greatest sympathy for him now. Because you can’t help yourself. People understand you better if you speak English, like a Thai. Words are spoken with a heavy accent, or clipped pronunciation. Sound like a twat? Mai Bpen Rai - it gets the job done. My final observation is this. Like a person who wakes up to discover he can hear people’s thoughts, do I really want to know what every street corner taxi driver is saying as I walk by? Prior to coming off social media, due to its toxic effect, I was surprised to read accounts of fluent expats, many of whom said they wished they had never learned the language to such a degree, as they spend all day, out in public, listening to the general views and sniping comments about foreigners, much of which is derogatory.

Both New Year’s have well and truly passed. The former Western one was totally uneventful, which is fine by me, as I never liked it. False bonhomie in a bar, where 364 days of the year you can enter for free, but on one night you have to shell out fifteen sheets for the privilege, only to stand cheek by jowl with what appears to be the audience from a Jeremy Kyle show, whilst drinking yourself into oblivion, and to be greeted at midnight with fake salutations from all those around you?

No thanks. I’ll pass. However, the latter Chinese New Year has just been, and so the year of the Rooster begins...

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Lock up your children and grandparents for the World Naked Bike Ride event is returning to Chelmsford once again this year, readers.

This will be the third year that this daring event has taken place in our city and the organisers are confident that more people will shed their clothes this year (why....didn’t they on the previous two outings?).

The ride will take place from 2.00pm on Saturday 24th June and will both start and finish from Market Square.

The World Naked Bike Ride takes place in hundreds of towns and cities all over the world and despite what many of you may be thinking, they were designed to raise awareness and focus attention on (wait for it) the overuse of cars and pollution. (Eh? Where’s the connection?)

Unlike what it says on the wrapper, it is a COE (clothes optional event), so you either get your giblets out, or you don’t.

“More people took part last year than the year before,” says one of the organisers, “so we’re hoping the numbers will swell once again in June.

Naturally we get both a positive and a negative reaction, but the fact is we get far more of a positive reception than ever we do a negative one.

“The negative stuff is always pretty much the same, with certain parents not wanting their children to see nakedity. But since when did the naked form ever harm children?”

Last year it poured down with rain half way through the ride, so participants are hoping for better weather this time around.

There is also a Colchester event on Saturday 8th July and a Clacton ride on Saturday 15th July.

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SORRY, BUT WE JUST HAVE TO...

the opposite are regurgitated.

Journalists are in the shoes of a Leicester City supporter forced to engage with someone that insists, against all the evidence, that Spurs did win the league last year.

How do you begin to have a sensible discussion with someone like that? Particularly when that person is a bully with a microphone that won’t let you get a word in edgeways. Frustrating is not a strong enough word.

Yes, yes, yes! The regular reader, and hopefully there is one, will be surprised to see an exclamation mark there.

In this case the overused punctuation symbol is entirely justified though.

So why the excitement? Well, last May Spurs won the Premier League. It’s the first time since 1961 that’s happened and therefore those of us that support the team have a right to be excited, you must agree. What’s that you say - it was Leicester City? No, that’s just your version of the truth. In our world, Spurs won it fair and square. Tottingham came out on top and our alternate fact is every bit as valid as your fact. So suck on it, loser.

You may laugh, but if our glorious leaders can make up their own facts, why can’t everyone else?

Although I promised to steer clear of politics for a while, things are so bad out here it’s impossible, given the current climate of fear amongst 70% of the population. And yes, fear is the right word and in no way an exaggeration. US politics is working a 24/7 shift. So a letter from America, even to a light-hearted publication like The Edge, cannot ignore the bombardment of lies, inconsistencies and deliberate attempts to create an unsettled and very dangerous world.

How can the press operate if those in power do not accept facts as facts? Where do journalists, or indeed the rest of us, go? they haven’t got that many nuclear weapons.

The dwindling proportion of the US population that still regard him as a good thing will say he’s just what’s required - a strong leader shoving it up the nambypamby politically correct liberals. Strong leader? More like a spoilt and stroppy teenager (is there any other kind?) who has never had anyone say “No, Donald” to him before.

The non-stop Trump action is currently delivering about two astonishments a day. From Muslim bans to shouting at Australian premiers through threatening to send US troops to Mexico and most dangerous of all to the world, pissing off the Chinese, this is a one man wrecking crew. Any one of these topics could fill up the magazine, but this month we’ll focus just on the threat he poses locally, here in the States, to the freedom of the press.

The common wisdom is that Brexit and Trump are two versions of the same thing. That may or may not be true, but whereas Brexit can only screw up one country, Trump can literally end the world if the mood so takes him. It’s a good job he’s not thin skinned, vengeful and erratic, isn’t it?

So to end this month, I’ll relay something that made me laugh and feel just a little better about the situation for a few minutes. Unfortunately the source of this great line has been lost in the fog, but someone said this about the presidential swearing in ceremony in late January.

“If Trump looked a bit uncomfortable at his inauguration, it was probably because he had Farage and May wedged up his arse.”

Indeed.

Every morning you wake up and turn with dread to your phone to check what he’s done now that could potenAnd just a little bit pathetic that the UK is forced to suck tially lead to a war. And it doesn’t seem to matter who up to this awful wannabe dictator, just to make sure it he goes to war with, he just wants to show how tough The US press is struggling to work out how to deal with has at least one friend in the world. he can be against someone. Mexico? Yeah, they’ll do. a president and his staff that is openly calling all journalAustralia? Yup, those bastards have only fought beside ists dishonest and ‘the enemy’ whilst at the same time Assuming we’re still in one piece - to be continued next us in every war, including Vietnam, so why not? Iran? insisting, seemingly without shame or embarrassment, month.

Oh yes, and there’s an added bonus it’s a Muslim counthat black is white. Even as his Tweets saying exactly try. China? Pah, there are only a few billion of them and You can contact Wardo at steveward2000@hotmail.com

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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LIFE AS WE KNOW IT If I were to ask for a show of hands from my readers to see who thinks they work too much, then I’m pretty sure all three of them would put their hands up. Be honest, how many of us really enjoy our jobs, and by enjoy I mean actually enjoy, not ‘doesn’t actively make you want to break down and cry and/or go on a killing spree’?

I feel on pretty solid ground making the assumption that most of us view work as a necessary evil, rather than something we’d do for fun if we had a choice in the matter.

I actually like working, but only up to a point, and I certainly believe that most of us are slaves to an archaic, disruptive and potentially destructive work ethos.

I leave home between 6.30am and 7.00am each morning and get home between 5.30pm and 7.00pm, depending on what happened at work and the vagaries of the A127. On a good day I’m out of the house for 11 hours and when I get home I’ll spend some time playing with the kids, or doing their homework with them, and then putting them to bed before my girlfriend and I do ourselves some dinner. By the time we’ve eaten and done all of those little and never ending jobs around the house, we get to sit down and relax at around 8pm. As I’m up at 6am, I try to be in bed by 11pm, which gives me roughly 3 hours of free time a day during the week.

My lifestyle is in no way unique.

Indeed, I know plenty of other people who work longer hours and/or have a more hellish commute than I do. But that’s okay, we’ve got the weekend, right? Well, sort of. If you’re anything like me, a significant part of your weekend is taken up doing all those jobs you can’t do during the week because you’re at work, so your two days of rest often becomes two days of yet more work. I’m sure I’m not the only person who thinks that all the talk of work/life balance is just that: talk.

Only don’t misunderstand me, for in the main, I’m very happy. I enjoy my life and I know I’m very lucky to have the job that I have, but I don’t think that asking for improvements should be mistaken for being ungrateful, particularly when there’s a lot of evidence showing that the currently accepted way of working isn’t doing most of us much good at all.

Before we get to that though, it’s worth looking at why 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, is the standard, and we can trace this back to the advent of the industrial revolution when, admittedly, things used to be a lot worse. Back then, the norm was a 10 to 16 hour day, 6 days a week. Funnily enough, it was one of Ian McKellans’ ancestors that was responsible for getting us a whole day off on a Saturday, so we can all thank Gandalf’s great-greatgrandad for getting the ball rolling on what we now recognise as the ‘weekend’.

Page 26

ME & MY adamantium skeleton

said: “Right, lads. See all this land?

This is mine, but I’m going to let you live and work on it. You just have to give me a portion of everything you earn.” And the onlookers decided to immediately bludgeon them insensible for their sheer nerve, rather than just simply along with it?

Apart from the fashion, things haven’t really changed all that much, have they?

The Kingmeister reports

“You shall not work seven days a week!”

Perhaps even stranger is that the 16 hour day was eventually cut in half by Henry Ford, and I say it’s strange because the man was something of a lunatic anti-Semite, but there’s nothing to say that even deranged proto-Nazis can’t have a good idea every now and again.

Ford not only cut the 16 hour day down to 8 but also doubled his workers’ wages at the same time.

Even though they were working for half the time, his workers productivity increased along with Ford’s profit margins, which doubled within 2 years. Once the 8 hour day was a proven success everyone else fell into line and so we basically owe our current working day to someone figuring out the best way to make a factory more efficient in 1914.

As I’m sure you’ve realised by now, most of us no longer work in a factory in 1914, so why are we still following the same patterns? Most of us don’t work on anything even vaguely resembling a production line anymore and most of our jobs require much more multi-tasking and problem solving than working on a production line, so if our work is different, does it make any sense to keep working in the same way?

Personally I don’t think it does and there’s a growing body of evidence to support this view.

A number of companies, although an admittedly small number of them, have begun to experiment with different ways of working.

Some offer no set hours, allowing staff to pretty much come and go as they please, as long as their

work gets done, while others offer relaxed flexi-time packages, or have reduced the standard working day to 6 hours. Some have even gone so far as to reduce the working week to 4 days.

I’ve been unable to find even one of these ‘experiments’ that wasn’t a success. In every case the workers were both healthier and happier as they had more time to spend with their families, or just getting all those little never-ending jobs done at their own pace, rather than squeezing them in at the weekend or even using up a day’s holiday to get them done.

So what’s the downside? Well, a number of these companies (but not all, by any means) while not seeing a fall in productivity per-se, did report a negative effect on their profit margins, and let’s be honest, that’s really the bottom line, isn’t it?

God forbid that we give people a better quality of life at the expense of profit. That way madness lies.

We all know that the way we work is set up to benefit the few at the expense of the many. In fact, it’s not a stretch to say that the world is set up like that. The vast majority of us work for someone else on land that someone else owns, while we shuttle back and forth to the house we’re working so hard to pay off in a car we’re also probably still paying for as well. If you read about the rise of lassez-faire capitalism and globalism, it becomes obvious that it’s designed to favour the few while showing the many just enough of a carrot to keep on endlessly turning the millstone.

I’m sure some of you reading this are already dismissing it as armchair anarchist claptrap and that’s fine. But I think that deep down, most of know the ‘system’ as it stands is a destructive mess that celebrates inequality and champions greed and acquisitiveness, which are certainly two of our species less attractive qualities.

I wonder how different things might have been if, all those thousands of years ago, when the first person

The ‘system’ is not only ripe for fundamental change, but I think that change is both necessary and, eventually, inevitable. When all is said and done, we’re all labouring under a system that benefits the few at the expense of the many and even with all the creature comforts it affords us, I think we should all ask ourselves: Is it worth it?

We’re all working for the wealthy few doing jobs most of us rather wouldn’t be, to buy the things they tell us we should have. We’re still labouring under a system that’s groaning under a rapidly growing weight of evidence that it’s bad for our physical and mental health and leaves us with little time to really live our lives, a system designed around making factories productive way back in 1914.

Is it really beyond the pale to ask ourselves if things couldn’t be different? Is it really too much for all of us to try and push for things to be a little better, a little fairer?

I don’t think so. But what worries me is that too many of us only see that carrot they dangle in our faces.

Would the average Joe really want to see the system changed so much, or would they really prefer to be joining the wealthy few at the top of the totem pole?

Do we really all want to be this bloke?

Maybe we should all ask ourselves what we really want, because if we want change, then we can have it if we all stop thinking in terms of what would make our lives better as individuals and start thinking what we can do to make things better for everyone. thekingpin@hotmail.co.uk The Edge 01245 348256

All or Nothing THE ULTIMATE MOD MUSICAL In 1964, a new phenomenon exploded onto the dingy streets of Britain. It was the essence of all that was cool.

It was the Mods.

Mods stuck two-fingers up at the class-ridden society and its dull, redundant culture. Mods were working class free-spirits who rode sexy streamlined Italian Vespas or Lambrettas.

FACE

Pear Shaped Pear shaped is described as thus: tapering towards the top, a bit like a pear.

We all come in all different shapes and sizes, don’t we? And some of us try to change our shape, or our size.

But isn’t it sometimes nice, particularly during the cold, winter months, to simply say, “Ah feck it”?

So you take your foot off the gas pedal for a bit. Only then the sheer guilt gets to you and stops you even enjoying a four-fingered Kit-Kat biscuit with a nice hot brew.

Life’s a bitch and then you die, fat, thin, or somewhere in between.

The sharpest Mod of all was known as a ‘FACE’.

The Small Faces encapsulated all that is Mod; a unique blend of taste and testosterone, neat, clothes-obsessed and street-wise. But these cult sophisticates shared another passion, which was their dedication to rhythm’n’blues.

All or Nothing is a quintessential British ‘Mod’ musical which celebrates the unique sound of the iconic sixties band, The Small Faces.

“Funny, fiery and brave.” Daily Star “A smile-inducing night of mod nostalgia.” Sunday Express

“Great gags; the music is marvellous.” Daily Mail “Fantastic energy and a wonderful cast.” Mail on Sunday

IN D E L N O YO IVE W UR RIN AR G EA

The Edge 245_The Edge 172.qxd 18/02/2017 10:38 Page 27

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Page 27

The Edge 245_The Edge 172.qxd 18/02/2017 10:38 Page 28

Motors, Vans and Goldfish 1988 NOVA: Turbo Nutter Bastard, Cheat Mode Activated,

Jobs, Jobs, Jobs . . .

NOW HIRING: Join us or die!

Stormtroopers needed asap. Must have Deathstar experience. PO Box: TK421

Pets & Family Camping LES: kids, ered, ned, 99.

Max Headroom’s

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WHEN ONLY THE F-WORD WILL DO Look ever so closely at the picture above and you will just about be able to make out a fair few drops of wee on the floor in between the chap’s legs, as he desperately tries to close the shutter. Thing is, looking at the size of that shutter, I’d say it is probably operated mechanically, so maybe the bear got lucky and ate him?

Sigh, we shall never know.

2nd

01245 905 805

01245 905 805

And what about this one?

At first it looks like a no contest bout, doesn’t it?

But this ickle VW must have seriously rattled the elephant, for just look at the pile of dung at its hind quarters.

Seems as though it’s about to get its own back now though.

So did ratty Mr Elephant crush the car’s occupants to certain death?

Unfortunately, once again, we shall never know, readers.

Finally, this poor chap seems as though he’s only got two kinds of hope left. (a) No hope, and (b) Bob Hope. Neither of which will do him any good.

Page 28

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 245_The Edge 172.qxd 18/02/2017 10:37 Page 29

MOTCO

Man on the Clapham Omnibus

THE WEATHER FANTASYCAST A few weeks back a funny story was going around on t‘internet regarding some predictions from the weather service. Which particular service is unknown, but we all know they are as reliable as a sundial at midnight. The joke goes something like this: ‘The weather report said to make sure you have a torch, extra clothing, blankets, and food and drink for your journey, due to the extreme weather we are expecting. The punch line then delivers: ‘I did feel a mug (or insert favourite word of your choice) sitting on the train with all that lot stacked on my lap.’ Taadaa! Well, it honestly raised a smile during the cold snaps of the last couple of months, but sadly, like a lot of observational humour, it also had a substantial amount of truth to it.

We seem to have lost our way in the UK with overbearing weather forecasters making all sorts of doom laden predictions about what is going to happen to us. This, of course, all started with the hurricane back in 1987 and Michael Fish, sporting a lacquered hurricane-resistant-comb-over, telling us not to be so stupid about expecting a lot of wind. I lived in a village at the time, and lay in my bed listening to tiles rattle off my roof, thinking, ‘Yeah, nice one, Mike.’ Of course, in 2017 we would all be ringing the 0800 number for the weathermenareallknobs-no-win-no-fee-helpline to stake a claim for compensation, simply because we didn’t cover our roofs as we were advised there would be no hurricane. A few similar incidents have occurred since that were not forecast which sadly had huge consequences, such as flooding etc., that completely changed the game, and like so much in modern UK life prompted a massive reverse reaction.

The lovely Carol on BBC1 now waffles on about ‘not travelling unless it is absolutely necessary’ because there has been a slight rise in wind speed which in reality is still less windy than a nun after her very first vindaloo.

There are often dire predictions about damage, flooding and pestilence of all kinds, and it is somewhat surprising they have not advocated bringing back Anderson Shelters for our gardens (this month’s look up for younger readers). I can just imagine, on a frosty morning, having watched the lovely Carol telling me that due to a heavy frost there may be a slip hazard on the pathway and a driving hazard due to ice, that I should actually follow the advice from the RAC et al and stay at home. There is never any irony shown due to the fact that the lovely Carol has probably driven to work in

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

the early hours herself, when conditions were likely to have been at their worst, to tell us all to not drive/travel etc. and stay at home. So do I ring work, minus dodgy sickly voice, to report, “Mott here. I am afraid I won’t be in today as the AA (Arse Association) and the RAC (Royal Arse Association) have advised everyone not to travel.

The milkman has been and the postman also made it, but the BBC and ITV have been very firm on this one.” The reply would be fairly brutal, to the point, and would include travel instructions in a very plain language and advice on something that I am still sure is anatomically impossible, even after checking in the darker, specialist corners of the internet.

The problem is clearer than the forecast. Worthy as all such advice from so called experts is, we have become blind and deaf to it, rather like the noise from emergency vehicles, which is why they constantly change their yelps and whoops, due to the fact we get noise fatigue. I am more likely to focus when Carol (the lovely) announces that because of a difference of opinion with ITV, the weather report will be decided by a nude wrestling match in a bath of baked beans between her and Kirsty Allsop (standing in for some ITV eye-candy type, to make it a fairer match) aided and abetted by a couple of fireman to make sure it is all inclusive. At that point I would be definitely staying in and not travelling, but again, I don’t see my boss buying into the excuse.

British people spend, on average, six months of their lives talking about whether it's going to rain or shine, according to a survey. Speculation about whether it's going to be wet, complaints about the cold and murmurings about the heat, are also the first points of conversation with strangers or colleagues for 58% of us. The study found Britons talk about the weather for about two days every year and the subject comes up more often than work, television, sport and gossip.…but not the aforementioned wrestling match.

Spot the cat?

Yours aye,

Page 29

The Edge 245_The Edge 172.qxd 18/02/2017 10:37 Page 30

TOTALLY TRACIE SILENT NIGHT – DON'T TURN ON THE BLOODY LIGHT! Who would have ever thought it?

Apparently Chelmsford is the ‘Sleep Haven’ of the UK, with Chelmsford folk supposedly being the most chilled out and happy souls anywhere in Britain.

(Hey, if you are reading this squashed up on a train into London with someone else's arse shoved in your face, take the opportunity to smile and count your blessings as to just how lucky you are to be a resident of Chelmsford!). Yes, forget Cornwall and the Cotswolds, because Chelmsford is where it’s at and where you are most likely to enter a ‘Zen Like State’.

Following a survey looking into ‘The Sleep Habits of British People’ a whopping 63% of folk in Chelmsford, the highest percentage of any other place in the country by far, are regularly able to drop off into a peaceful sleep, and if they do wake up in the night, they have no problem dropping back off again.

Now call me cynical, but just maybe it’s because the good folk of Chelmsford are absolutely exhausted and are regularly fueled by enough alcohol to relaunch the Armada from the sheer number of bars in town to help them?

However, the sleep survey remains adamant that Chelmsfordians enjoy a full 8 hours of sleep per night and wake happier and more relaxed than any other of our nationwide counterparts.

So if you’re reading this after your third cup of coffee and are trying to stay awake and feeling in a right old mood, you are obviously in the minority.

‘Sleep Geek’ James of The Sleep Foundation says that light, noise and temperature play a huge part in keeping us in a dream like state. Once our brains see the tiniest bit of light, they go into wake up mode and think it’s time to start powering up again. The trick is, if you wake up to go to the loo, get up quickly and go, then return straight back to bed, avoiding turning the light on if at all possible. Those of us that lay in bed worrying about waking everybody else up (or wetting the bed) have the worst nights sleep of all.

In my house, bedtimes are a nightmare.

Page 30

“Did you lock the front door?”

“No, I thought you did?”

“Did you put the bins out?”

“Is it wheelie or recycling sacks?”

“I don't know. Why is it always me who has to keep tabs on the bin days?”

Fancy spending half-an-hour of your allocated sleep time trying to remember where the refuse calendar was last seen. And so it goes on and on until numerous trips up and down the stairs and umpteen rows later, we end up beating each other into submission, turn our backs to one another and stare at the walls until we nod off. Oh how I’d love the ‘Sleep Geek’ to pay a visit to our bedtime war zone. He'd have his work cut out, I tell you.

So next time you feel grumpy in the morning, remember, it could be worse.

You could be living in the grumpiest town in Britain. Wolverhampton!

CALLING TIME Still drinking Proseco, darling?

OMG, it’s so last year!

Gin is where it’s at right now, and we are not talking about the stuff of days gone by - nicknamed ‘Mother's Ruin’ associated with the lower classes.

Oh no, gin has undergone a complete transformation and it’s now the tipple of choice by connoisseurs who like to enjoy an ‘Artisan Drink’ whilst savouring the experience.

Gin and Slimline Tonic has been replaced by Gin Fizz Cocktails and Berry Infused Gins that take the bitter edge off the stuff and replace it with a more subtle, exciting taste. Think exotic gin based cocktails, infused with lime and candied ginger. Or if that’s not your bag, what about elderflower, basil and grapefruit, or possibly refreshing lemon?

Gin has definitely undergone a huge resurgence.

There’s even a gin bar called Bottle Bureau in Chelmsford that’s relatively newly opened, plus several other establishements in town offering specialised gins. Yep, no-one can say Chelmsford is behind with the times these days.

WHAT A BUMMER A few weeks back I had my first holiday in years in the Canary Islands and returned with a lovely golden tan.

Everyone at work commented on how well I looked. I felt so good amongst the sea of endless pasty white faces. My vanity should have ended there, but oh no, I decided to try and prolong my tan with a trip to a sunbed shop. A member of staff assured me that as I already had a base tan I’d be fine with ten minutes on their super duper high powered bed. So off I stripped and jumped straight on, feeling all warm and snug .

But two hours later my bum was glowing bright red and it looked like my cheeks had been given a right good going over with Mr Grey's Twitchy Palm (I should be so lucky). That night I could not sit down, or lay in bed. I spent the entire night applying cold compresses to by backside and rubbing in copious amounts of Sudocrem. Oh sure, I did have a base tan alright, but I’d completely forgotten my bum had been covered up all week. Three days later, with much embarrassment and blisters, I hobbled down to my doctor’s, who had trouble keeping a straight face whilst writing out a prescription. Then seven days after that I’m still walking like a woman who has been riding a horse for far too long. You could not make this stuff up. Welcome to my world.

Tracie123@aol.com

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