The Edge Magazine February 2017

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EDGE

the ISSUE NO: 244

FEBRUARY 2017

‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

IT SEALS THE MOST INCREDIBLE BONDS SWISS MADE SINCE 1858

www.lancejames.co.uk 3 Barrack Square, Chelmsford, CM2 0UU 01245 500499

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Telephone 01245 348256

Mobile: 077 646 797 44

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

LE BOUCHON BRASSERIE & HOTEL

AFTERNOON TEA AVAILABLE 7 DAYS A WEEK 12 - 4pm

STAY & DINE IN OUR BOUTIQUE HOTEL & FINE DINING RESTAURANT

A selection of Fine TwiningsTeas and illy Coffee, accompanied by a selection of finger sandwiches, Chefs homemade cakes, Pastries and freshly baked scones with Jam and Cornish cream.

Set Menu £67.50pp* A la Carte Menu £85.50pp and includes Candlelit Dinner, English Breakfast and Cream Tea *Stay and dine offer for a minmum of 2 guests.

Our menus change monthly, please check online for updates and availabilites

GIFT VOUCHERS AVAILABLE FOR BOTH RESTAURANTS

20% EARLY DINING DISCOUNT AT BOTH RESTAURANTS!

On orders taken between 5.30pm - 6.45 pm. Discount limited to a maximum booking of 8 people, and discount is only applicable when orders placed before 6.45pm.

“Wouldn’t be out of place in Mayfair!!!”

“Deserves a Michelin Star” “As good as Dubai’s best restaurant”

Cannot be used in conjunction with any other offer.

Not available on Saturdays.

VALENTINES DAY

AS RECOMMENDED ON:

LE BENAIX BRASSERIE & BAR

Lunch & Dinner in the 2 most romantic restaurants in Essex.

We are pleased to announce that we will be offering Japanese ‘FLORATEA’ with both our Classic and Luxury Afternoon Tea Menus.

Look online for further details.

BAR MENU AVAILABLE EVERYDAY 12 - 5pm Except Saturday evening and Sunday lunchtime.

BAR & COCKTAIL BAR OPEN TO NON DINERS Monday - Saturday Diners only Saturday evening.

A LA CARTE LUNCH & TDH MENUS AVAILABLE FOR BOTH LUNCH & DINNER Lunch: Monday - Saturday Midday to 2.30pm Dinner: Monday - Saturday 5.30pm last orders taken 9.30pm.

“Best restaurant in Essex” “Brilliant fine dining restaurant” “WOW! WOW! and WOW!” AS RECOMMENDED ON:

LE BOUCHON

LE BENAIX

01621 856511 enquiries@lebouchon.co.uk www.lebouchon.co.uk

01245 987888 enquiries@brasseriebenaix.com www.brasseriebenaix.com

The Square, Holloway Road, Heybridge, Maldon, Essex CM9 4LT

PRIVATE FUNCTIONS

Available in The Orangery and Private dining areas in both restaurants.

Function Menus available.

Main Road, Rettendon Common, Chelmsford, Essex CM3 8DY

ALL MENUS ARE AVAILABLE ONLINE

DM

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LARGE STUDIO HALL TO RENT in Witham SUITABLE FOR PERSONAL TRAINERS, FITNESS CLASSES, LOCAL CLUBS, BALLET etc.

Available Monday-Friay 6am-10pm Saturday 4pm-10pm Sunday 6am-10pm Discounts for regular bookings.

TELEPHONE 01376 509064 OPEN 7am-5pm Sandwich Bar

Monday - Friday Finest Quality Food

Bagels . Grilled Baguettes . Salads . Soups Jacket Potatoes . Muffins . Hot Wraps Teacakes . Toast . Coffees . Herbal Teas Fresh food made to order 20 Market Road, Chelmsford, CM1 1XA. TEL: 01245 257 239

BEN’S BACK....and this month he’s drawn turkey plucker Paul Kelly (see also page 23).

For all caricatures, please contact Ben at benchurchett@aol.com Facecock: Monkey Circus Caricatures by Ben Churchett Instagram: MonkeyCircusCaricatures Twitter: @Benlofc

The Edge 077 646 797 44

Kids Kickboxing Classes every Saturday Ages 4-7 years 10:30am - 11:25am Ages 8 years-teens 11:30am - 12:30pm Additional class every Tuesday 5:00pm-6:00pm, ages 6-12 years Great for kid’s confidence, discipline & lots of fun!

Chelmsford City Martial Arts Unit 21&22 Waterhouse Business Centre 2 Cromar Road, Chelmsford, CM1 2QE. www.kineticmartialarts.co.uk Tel: 07956 968860

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RAG’N’BONE MAN I like that ‘(I’m Only) Human’ song by our very own Steptoe & Sons fella.

Quality voice.

But what is such an admission saying about me, aged 55-and-a-half, and my musical preferences?

JOB WELL DONE Congratulations to The Woolpack for the vast improvements they’ve made to their outdoor ‘beer garden’ area which they’ve introduced semi-recently. Never let it be said that this mag doesn’t notice a job well done and come the spring, doubtless all of their extra sunny seating will certainly be put to good use.

The Edge Editor’s Column OLD MAGS Jane Rowland sent me this, which I thought was pretty perky:“I can only sleep on stacks of old Edge magazines. I’ve got back issues.�

PERKING UP Speaking of of all things Perky, whatever happened to those two pigs from my childhood?

On second thoughts, I’ve dedicated a little section to the swine on page 14.

FAKE BONHOMIE This is the first chance I’ve written a column since the C-word happened and on Tuesday 3rd January it was both comforting and reassuring to be out on the streets of Chelmsford, distributing the January editions, and seeing a Traffic Warden slap a fine onto the windscreen of some poor driver who’d parked in the wrong place.

I knew all of that fake bonhomie couldn’t last forever. It’s great to be back to normal.

KINGPIN Check out Kingpin’s column this month and see whether you recognise yourself. Because if you do, it’s definitely time you made some changes.

BAD LUCK Albert King once said, or maybe he even sang it, “If it wasn’t for bad luck I’d have had no luck at all.�

Yep, that’s what they call singin’ the blues alright.

DONALD SUTHERLAND You don’t often see Donald Sutherland filling up his 4+4 in Asda car-park with groceries, so I grabbed the opportunity to ask him whether he managed to have his wicked way with Jenny Agutter during the filming of The Eagle Has Landed back in the early seventies.

He looked at me a bit confused, like.

So I told him it must be depressing to see his son Kiefer turn out to be such an average actor, as opposed to being a chip off the old block.

Imagine my embarrassment when he replied,

“Look, mate, I don’t know who you think you are, or who you think I am, but...�

Twenty minutes later, we were still stood there and I was telling him exactly who I am.

SOUP Winter is surely the time for hot soup (is there any other kind?) and two of my favourites at 50p per tin are Sainsbury’s Spiced Lentil & Tomato and Tomato & Three Bean, both from there Be Good To Yourself range at less than 3% fat.

Incidentally, Sainsbury’s are not paying me for this plug, even though they ought to be.

RACEHORSE I don’t know whether it’s simply due to the recent cold snap or not, but I have honestly been pissing like a racehorse of late.

I made the mistake of mentioning this to the housewives/homemakers at my Boot Camp sessions and they seem keen for me to go and have my prostate checked.

I told them, “I already have. I had a blood test recently and....�

Only they seemed keen that I go and have it checked, what was it they said? Ah yes, “The good old fashioned way.�

I initially thought they were concerned about my wellbeing and was really quite touched, until I realised they rather liked the idea of my acute embarrassment as the synthetic gloves were pulled on and I was instructed to ‘bite down’ on a piece of wood that would doubtless be placed in my mouth, dog’n’bone style.

I am 55-and-a-half now and healthwise I have had a jolly good run for my money. So can any male readers give me the benefit of their own experience regarding this most delicate matter?

THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 7 97 44 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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The Edge 01245 348256

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! kind Thank!!you, ! ! sir.

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Do! you !! !this ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! recognise ! !chap, ! !! ! readers?

He is !Isaac! Mutero, MD ! ! of!!!Mwitts ! ! !Cleaning ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! Limited. ! ! ! !! just look ! !

Services he’s! !! ! !! ! ! ! at ! ! for ! ! But ! him, ! !!! !! ! ! ! more ! ! !to ! on ! floor ! !! than ! ! happy ! !be! out ! ! the! !shop ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! doing days ! a! hard ! graft. ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Isaac ! was !in The !Edge’s ! ! ! ! with ! !! ! ! ! !! last! encounter ! ! ! ! very !! ! early ! ! ! on! the ! morning ! ! !of!

Baddow ! !Road !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Tuesday ! ! January. Yes, ! ! that’s ! right, readers. ! ! !3rd ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Quite the !most day of 2017 !! ! !possibly ! miserable ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !back !! ! ! ! as! it! was ! !!!! very !! !!the !! first day ! !! ! at! work! for most ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! (and a! !particularly ! ! myself of us, ! ! ! ! ! included ! !! ! ! rude ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!!!But ! ! there ! ! ! !!was ! ! ! !! !at that). awakening !!! ! !! at 05:25am ! ! ! beaming ! ! ! ! !! !! away ! ! ! !! !as per ! usual, ! ! ole ! ! ! good !! ! !!Isaac, ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! cleaning !! ! window. ! ! ! !! !And!! I !thought ! ! !! ! a !shopfront !! ! ! ! ! to ! ! ! !!! ! !can’t ! !! !! ! like ! ! !! ! !!Isaac’? ! ! !! !!! ! ! myself: ! ! !!!‘Why ! ! ! ! !! I be !! ! more ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !Isaac’s ! !! !!! ! half-full ! ! ! type Because ! ! !!of a! guy! !! !!! ! ! a! ! proper !! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! if! ever!!! there was ! !! one. ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !types, ! !! it’s !always ! !!!! ! !for!! us !half-empty ! !

And!!!y’know, ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !!be ! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! of ! ! ! ! good !! to ! ! !! !in !the!!presence ! !!! someone ! ! ! !! ! like! him ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!of ! !! ! ! and ! ! ! !! ! !! is! !!!kind ! ! ! really ! infectious as his enthusiasm ! !! !! ! !!! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! lot! better ! !about ! ! ! my!! day ! ! after !

I felt!! a!! whole ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! !! !!into ! ! ! !!him. !! ! ! ! ! bumping ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! !!!! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! !!! ! !!

(01245) 268655 or 07460 115514 ! !

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Happy ! ! Isaac!

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! to! give Someone ! ! !!else The ! ! Edge! would ! ! like !! ! a ! !! ! The ! ! Ship !! !pub ! !mention ! !is !Grant ! ! of ! ! !in warm to ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !

Broomfield Road. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Now tell you that! !I tell them ! ! columnists ! ! will ! ! my !!! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! to mention never ! ! !! !! the! !C-word ! other! than ! in the ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! month is! the first ! of! December, !only! this ! edition ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! chance had to say a hearty thank !! ! ! !I’ve ! !!you! to ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! !

Grant!for treating The Edge (four of us) to a ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! !!! !! !!! !!!!! ! !!! round! of drinks on Christmas Eve 2016. ! !!! ! !!! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! !

To be honest, I don’t go out a lot these days. ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! !!! ! !! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! !

It’s just way I am. What’s more, I probably !!! the ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! hadn’t in The Ship on more than a couple ! !been !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! !!! ! !throughout of occasions the whole of last year. ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! !! !

Yet Grant stood us a festive round, so I would ! !!!! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! personally ! say a big !thank! you to !him ! via ! !! like to ! ! ! ! ! good ! turn ! deserves ! ! !another ! ! is the! mag, as one ! ! ! ! ! ! I!!always !! !! ! ! ! ! reckon. what ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! why!! ! the! !picture But ! ! of !!Poirot? ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! remember Well,! !I couldn’t ! !! ! ! !!Grant’s! name. ! ! ! I knew ! !with !a ‘G’, but my memory is rather it began !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! shocking very ! ! ! ! !!days, ! ! ! ! these ! ! so! I asked ! ! ! Webwax’s ! !! ! !! ! ! subordinate own ! ! !! !(see ! their ! !hairy !!! ! ! ! ! Richard ! !! ! Hindle ! !page ad! on ! ! guys ! quaff in ! !! ! !28)! as! the ! ! Webwax The Ship! on ! a! regular ! basis. ! ! !! !! !

“You!! mean !! ! who ! !!a! little !!bit! ! ! ! ! guy ! !looks ! !! the French?” ! ! ! ! !said. ! “That’ll ! !! ! ! be! !Grant.” !! Trickster !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! !!! !! !!! !! ! !!! !! !!!! !! !! ! !!! !! !! ! ! !! !!!! !! ! ! !! ! !!! !! ! !! !! !! ! ! !! ! !! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! !!! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! !!! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !!! ! ! !!! !! !! !!! !! ! !! ! ! !!! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !!! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !!!! ! ! ! ! !!! !!! !!!!! ! !!! ! !! ! !! !! !! !! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! !! !! !! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! ! !!! ! !HMS !! ! ! ! ! ! Ship !! ! ! ! !! !!!!! ! ! !!Grant ! ! ! of

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Complimentary goodie bag for the brides & grooms on arrival

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Come along to our open day and explore our banqueting suites which will be beautifully dressed for a wedding. Take your time to wonder around our fabulous facilities whilst you enjoy a complimentary glass of bubbly and delicious canapés.

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Stephen Alexander Hairdressing

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T. 01245 361201 Page 6

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“How the hell did rollers ever become sexy?”

I honestly thought women having their hair up in rollers was all a bit of a northern thing, harking back to the swinging sixties.

A bit like those factory lasses (top-left), womenkind used to cover their heads with a scarf and nip out for a battered sausage from the chippy while their hair was setting and hope to hell that nobody they knew saw them.

Only it seems to The Edge that these days some really rather attractive southern gels have taken hair-curlers to a whole new stratosphere and what’s more, they’re downright looking really rather racy to boot.

So the question begs, how the hell did this happen, because let’s face it, it’s seemingly become a bit of a cool/hip/trendy thing to do? Fact is, these days girls don’t hide when they’ve got a head full of curlers. Instead they positively strut, and The Edge has to admit that it somewhat bizarrely finds the whole charade a bit of an ultra weird turn-on.

Fashion never ceases to amaze. For instance, thank god we no longer see yoofs with their jeans hanging halfway down their asses with a good 50% of their undercrackers showing. What on earth was that all about? If anyone had ever predicted that such a site would become de rigueur for the FCT (fashion conscious twat), then I’d have honestly questioned their sanity.

So this whole rollers/curlers thing I have to admit I find totally fascinating.

About a year ago, Mrs Edge drove back from the hairdressers with her hair up in curlers, but it was late afternoon during winter and I chided her, “Thank god nobody will have seen you.”

But fast forward a couple of months and I reckon the first time I became conscious that some sort of a fashion statement was being made was when we flew out to Malaga around about April of last year and a really rather attractive looking girl had her head full of curlers on the flight out from Stansted, yet she wasn’t even batting a fake eyelash. I thought to myself, ‘Aye, aye, Shaun lad....what’s going on ’ere then?’

I think the difference is that when girls do it today, they have their faces fully made-up, whereas when women who worked on production lines used to do it back in the sixties, well, let’s just say that they probably didn’t put as much effort into it ‘the look’.

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The Edge 244_The Edge 172.qxd 24/01/2017 14:12 Page 7

What a Piggin’ awful name I never make a particular point of watching Harry Hill’s You’ve Been Framed, but I don’t mind it if it happens to be on, as I know he personally writes all of the stuff that he says on the show, and some of his observations are really quite imaginative and astute.

However, it was at the end of one particular show that I happened to notice the unfortunate name of one of the YBF researchers as the credits rolled up (surely I’m the only person in Chelmsford to have done so).

Summer Piggin, she was called.

Summer, which is such a beautifully fragrant name, conjuring up long, joyous days filled with sunshine, buttercups, butterflies and stems of barley gently swaying in a warm summer breeze.

Followed by Piggin.

Were her parents trying to soften the blow is what I got to thinking?

Only you can’t polish a turd, can you? And Piggin sure is one hell of a turdish surname. (Fancy being a Turdish citizen of a country?)

So really, wouldn’t it have been fairer to simply name their daughter plain old Jane, or perhaps Norma, or even Polly?

Just picture the scene. A right proper Prince Charming of a fella (are there any left, ladies?) gets chatting to our trusty YBF researcher at a bar and it seems to be going ever so well, so he says, “By the way, I’m James.”

“Hi,” our lass replies. “I’m Summer.”

And James is positively in dreamland because he was already fairly attracted to this girl, but with a name like Summer, well, it pretty much seals the deal.

Only she follows it up with “Summer Piggin”, as though desperately wanting to get the monkey off her back. And in that split-second, all of the longings and stirrings and interest of our James immediately dissipate, and he says, “See you around then, Summer,” before wandering back over to his mates, like shallow chaps do.

The Edge 01245 348256

Scrap Offside Law? FIFA Technical Director Marco van Basten has floated a radical blueprint for the future of football which, amongst other things, would see the fabled offside law abolished, not to mention the introduction of sin-bins instead of yellow cards.

Thing is, on the one hand he argues that abolishing the offside rule would see an end to games which “resemble handball where nine players, plus the goalkeeper, pack an opponents penalty area and (the defense) is like a wall.”

Eh? How is the abolishment of the offside rule ever going to counteract that?

While on the other, he is also advocating sin-bins instead of yellow cards. But Marco, if a team is down to ten, or even nine, men for a period of the game, what are they going to do?

Exactly, pack their defense.

Edge foreign correspondent Steve Ward watches a lot of 90-minute Premier League games from the comfort of his armchair in his San Diego penthouse and often bemoans to me the fact that many teams turn up at his beloved White Hart Lane and simply ‘park the (proverbial) bus’, which doesn’t make for much of a sporting contest in the true spirit of the game.

So The Edge’s suggestion is simply this (and we’re sorry to steal your thunder, Marco): introduce two points for teams who play out a score draw.

It’s a simple idea, but the more you think about it, the more it makes sense.

Makes you wonder why FIFA never approached The Edge, doesn’t it?

Because for heaven’s sake, scrapping the offside law would be to completely disarm the age old argument about women failing (or not even caring) to understand such a ruling, and we can’t have that, can we?

Feck knows what Van Basten gets paid for his thoughts, but it’s a damn site too much.

Be part of something that counts!

Join MS-UK for the fantastic Colchester Half Marathon on Sunday 12th March right here in our home town in Essex!

A rewarding run where you have fun and support local people affected by multiple sclerosis at the same time.

MAKE THE MILES MATTER! Call Berenice today on 01206 226500 Or email Berenice@ms-uk.org

Page 7

The Edge 244_The Edge 172.qxd 24/01/2017 14:12 Page 8

CITIZEN !"#"$%& At Home with Trump and Gump....in Ultra HD

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!"#$%%&'()"*+,-).-",+"/0.-"1(&2$%3"&-"4$%3"5&%0-)6 ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! !

s you read this, President Trump !! ! ! !will !be !385.7&9.43*+47*9-* !! ! ! ensconced in the White House all may not !! and ..9.?*3*(41:23*(&3 ! ! ! ! ! !! be as well with the world as we! might ! !! !! have (42**.3*2&3>*<&>8 ! hoped. ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! &3)*>4:*3**)*94*+.3)*.9 The inauguration ceremony will have been beamed ! <-*7*;*7*>4:*(&38"4 ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! with across the world on every news 9-.8**3):*..9.?*3*-&8*94 channel ! ! the ! ! ! ! at The ! bonus, for viewers able to receive it, to!! marvel (43+*88*9-&9*9-.8 ! ! !! ! !! !Ultra !

2439-D8*5.*(**4<*8*.98 ! ! overblown !

Donald’s hair in glorious and probably ! ! ! ! ! !!

HD on a 4k Smart TV - a device47.,.3*94*&*;.8.9*94*9-* probably ! ! !far !! ! ‘smarter’ ! ! ! :7.3&18*.3*9-**$*89 ! !! than the President himself. ! ! !9&3)*&9*!58<.(-*"4<3 ! ! a! tide ! ! of Let’s hope all live to tell the tale as, !on !! ! we ! !! !!! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ?449'&11*.1:'A** ! ! populism, he goes about trying to change the face of !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !! ! ! ! !!

B4<*'*+47**7*&)*78*)7&<*9-*.7*4<3*(43(1:8.438:*9-48* politics over the pond and ‘Make America Great Again’. ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! <-4*&99*3)*&3>*854798*;*3:**<.11*034<*9-&9*9-**,*398 ! ! !! probably !

Or, if! you happen to!! be Mexican, that should ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

144D8*&9*+449'&11*(1:'8:*(4:39>*(7.(0*9*,74:3)8*&3)*9-* ! ! America ! !Hate ! !! ! ! ! ! ! read ‘Make Again’. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

1.0*:*&7**+*79.1**9*77.947>*+47*&);*79.8*78*<.9-*9&7,*9*)*574D ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !BREXIT Following for the!uninitiated, of course, ! !(which 249.438*94*&*(&59.;**&:).*3(*:*84*94*85*&0:*<-4*(&3349 ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! in means of! our !! the words ! ! somewhat ! ! !! !! evasive ! ! !BREXIT, +&.1*94*8***9-**8:'91**D*&3)*349*84*8:'91**@*2*88&,*8 ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !tide of populism ! !! ! !! ! voting !! ! ! ! and ! anti-government PM) the ).851&>*)*&9**>**1*;*1*<-.1**9-*>*,4*&'4:9*9-*.7*':8.D ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !again in!! France, !! ! ! well! appear ! ! ! once ! ! ! the Netherlands may 3*888 !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Don’t ! ! !haven’t ! ! say ! been and Germany .425:9*7*,&2*8:*(&7*14&38*&3)*':),*9*+1.,-98*8**2 ! ! ! ! ! !during! 2017. ! ! ! you ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!

545:1&7*&9*+449'&11*2&9(-*8:*<-.1**(7.(0*9:*<.9-*.98*81.,-9D warned. !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!

1>*41)*7*)*24,7&5-.(:*4+9*3*+*&9:7*8*57.;&9**-*&19-*(&7* ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! !! ! ! !! &3)*)*8(7.59.;**8>259428*4+*:7.3&7>*574'1*28*&8*&*<&> AT BOX SET ! HOME ! ! WITH ! ! ! A! NETFLIX ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !

4+*(-**7.3,*:5*+&38*.3*9-*.7*242*39*4+*3**)8 IN ULTRA HD ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! !

F:9*9-**574249.43*7*(*391>*85499*)*'>*..9.?*3:*-&;.3, ! !what ! !the! !hell? ! Why ! not ! relieve ! the!tension ! ! !!and! pay !!

So, ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ):1>*6:*:*)*+47*.98*9:73*&9*-&1+D9.2*:*<&8*(4251*9*1>* ! ! ! ! ! ! a visit !to !Chelmsford’s excellent new John Lewis store ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ).++*7*398*!9*<&8*+47*&*9&=.*&55*)4<314&)&'1**D*':9*5*7D ! ! !! in! a! new ! wide ! ! ! ! TV!if! you! and invest -&58*349*&9*9-&9**=&(9*242*39*.3*9.2**D*.3*'49-*&3 ! ! ! ! screen ! ! !! 4k ! Smart ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! as!! Citizen haven’t already got one, taking advantage, ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! .":3*8*&3)*I3)74.)*?472&98*I3)*349*/:89*&3>*9&=.*&55 ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! warranty ! ! on ! ! ! ! ! has, ':9*&*'1&(0*(&'*9&=.*&55*9-&9*.22*).&9*1>*897:(0*..9.?*3 ! !of! their ! 5-year ! !! ! ! all! televisions? ! ! ! !! ! !also! recently !! ! ! ! ! its! Wi-Fi ! !! ! ! ! !! and Citizen &8*9-**+.789*97:1>*548.9.;**+.,-9*'&(0*.9*-&)*8**3*'>*9-* ! ! ! ! upgraded ! ! ! ! ! ! satellite TV ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! with a ‘bundled’ package from 97&).9.43&1*K&(03*>*.&77.&,**'7.,&)**&,&.389*9-**,74<D ! ! Sky, ! as ! !well! !as ! upgrad! ! ! subscription ! ! ! ! ! to !to the!Ultra ! ! HD ! !4k, !offering ing its! !!Netflix .3,*57*8*3(**4+*#'*78 ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!full ! ! ! !!! !! ! of ! !! ! ! TV! ! !

B4<*.+*..9.?*3*D*<-4*-&8*&*57.39*2*).&*&3)*&);*79.8.3, realise ! ! the !! ! !potential ! ! !! its! Panasonic ! ! ! !! ! ‘SMART’ ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! '&(0,74:3)*D*-&8*&3>*7*8*7;&9.438*&'4:9*,*398*1&;&947> when the permits. !! programming ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! &)8*M&3)*5488.'1>*1&).*8*43*8*944:*&19-4:,-*+47*4';.4:8 Is it !worth From!first doubt the ! it? ! ! !viewing, ! ! ! ! YES, ! ! and! no ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!

7*&8438*.9D8*349*'**3*.3*&*548.9.43*94*7*8*&7(-*9-*8*N: number ! ! ! ! !! ! !!will !! increase. !! !! ! of Ultra ! ! ! HD ! !!programmes ! ! ! Some !! ! ! ! .9D8*9-&9*9-*>*)4*9*3)*94*(7&2*+&7*944*2:(-*(45>*.394*9-* novelties ! ! are !! ! also !! ! ! including ! ! ! ! a pleasant ! ! !! ! ! surprise, ! !!the ! ! !

9*=9*&3)*9-**(425&3>*3&2*8:*5-43**3:2'*78*&3) ! ! ! !featuring ! !! roughly !! !8 minstunning ! ! !BBC !! ! HD ! ! demo, ! ! ! ! !Ultra <*'8.9**)*9&.18*&7**4';.4:81>*349**&8.1>*2*247&'1*8* ! ! ! winning utes! of! excerpts ! ! !!from!its! award ! ! ! ! wild !! life !! !pro-! !3*49-*7*14(&9.438*.9*.8:*4+*(4:78*:*5488.'1**94*:8**43*8 !!! !! ! plus ! !! the ! !demos!! on ! ! of!slowly ! burning ! ! Netflix grammes, ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !2&795-43**94*9&0**&*5-494*4+*9-**&)*94*7*+*7*94*1&9*7: ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! wood ! !!! fires. !! ! ! ! ! crackling ! ! !! ! ':9*.3*9-.8*5&79.(:1&7**3;.7432*39:*9&0.3,*4:9*43*D8 ! ! !10 episodes !! the !! ! !the ! ! first Netflix ! also !! !! !offers ! ! ! !! !!! of ! ! superb !!

24'.1**5-43**.3*(&2*7&*24)**<4:1)*'**3*.9-*7*&);.8D ! ! ‘The ! ! ! !reign ! !! ! series ! !! !Crown’ ! !! ! ! tracing ! ! ! !! ! our !! ! !Queen’s 60-part &'1**347*)*8.7&'1*8*?47*9-.8*7*&843:*..9.?*3*(&3349 ! its! !place !! in history. and ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !

7*(&11*9-**3&2**4+*9-**9&=.*&55*&3)*9-*7**:3+479:3&9*1> ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !

-&83D9*'**3*&*-42**2&9(-*8.3(*8*F:9*.9*(*79&.31>*<&8 ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! AT ! !! HOME ! *=(1:8.;*1>*+47*97&).9.43&1*1.(*38*)*9&=.8:*<-.(-*#'*7 GUMP ! ! ! ! ! IN! REMASTERED ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ULTRA ! ! HD! ! ! ! .83D98 ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !!a movie! in Ultra !! ! HD! !seemed ! ! ! a!! good !idea ?47*9-**:3.3.9.&9*):*#'*7*.8*&*7*;41:9.43&7>*&55*9-&9 To view like ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

47.,.3&9*)*.3*!&3*?7&3(.8(4*+47*14(&9.3,*9-**3*&7*89 and from choice of these with the newly !! !the! limited ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Sky !

2.3.(&'*&3)**1*(9743.(&11>*-&.1.3,*.9*-&;.3,*&,7**)*9-* renamed ! ! !Cinema, ! !we chose a! very! old favourite ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! +&7*8* ‘Forrest Gump’, the 1994 Best Picture Oscar Winner. ! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !

B49*8:757.8.3,1>:*97&).9.43&1*9&=.*)7.;*78*-&9**.9*&8*.9*.8 This!! is,!! of !course, in remastered HD, but nonetheless !! ! ! !

(1*&71>*&*(-&11*3,*:*.+*349*&*9-7*&9:*94*9-**<&>*9-*>*)4 ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! is excellent ! ! ! and! a !good ! foretaste the quality of things to 9-*.7*':8.3*88:*'49-*43*9-**9&=.*7&308*47*'>*'*.3,*-&.1*) ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! new,! are! come as more programmes, both old and ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! .3*9-**897**9:*'49-*4+*<-.(-*&7**9-***=(1:8.;**57*8*7;* ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! screened !! !! in !4k. !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

4+*<-&9*&7**034<3*.3*9-**#O*&8*K&(03*>*.&77.&,*8*47 ! ! film itself - which !

And what of the longstanding readers 842*9.2*8*P43)43*"&=.88* !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! of may well recall did NOT make Citizen’s !this! column ! ! ! ! ! !

"-*7**-&;**'**3*-:,**5749*898*D*.3(1:).3,*9-**/&22.3, ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! list 4+*(.9>*(*397**897**98*D*.3*2&3>*2&/47*(.9.*8:*.3(1:).3, !!of its ! August ! ! ! year,! despite ! !two ! !Top !! 10! !films !! !from ! last P43)43:* &7.8*&3)*"474394*&8*)7.;*78*4+*9-48**97&).9.43D other Tom Hanks movies creeping in.

In retrospect, a ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! &1*1&3)2&70*(&'8:*'**9-*>*'1&(0:*>*114<*47*<-&9*;*7*1.;D !! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! major !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! omission. *7>*&*(.9.*8*+&9-*78*).(9&9*:*&99*259*94*89*2*9-**+14<*4+ ! !! recalls Citizen !!! ! ! at! ! the! time ! !! the ! !award !! ! for ! ! !!that !of! Oscars ! ! #'*7*&3)*C5*78:&)*D*(.9>*(4:3(.18*&3)*49-*7*14(&1*1.(*38D ! !! Actor ! were ! ! not! greeted !! !with unaBest Picture !!! ! !! ! ! and!! Best .3,*&:9-47.9.*8*94*C4:91&<D*9-**#'*7*&558*"7&385479*+47 !! by ! all ! !!!goers, ! ! having ! ! !picture ! ! ! !but!!in Citizen’s ! !! ! ! view, ! nimity P43)43*-&8*7.,-91>*7*8.89*)*9-.88 ! ! at ! ! again ! ! ! !in !2017, ! only ! ! has ! ! it!!all !over ! ! ! not ! ! !it withlooked !3*9-**#O*9-*7**-&;**'**3*5749*898*51:8*9-**&99*3)&39 ! !of time, ! ! as!! fresh ! !! and !! !entertain! ! ! !! ! it !seems stood!the! test (.9>*(*397**'14(0&,*8*.3*S&3(-*89*7:*T1&8,4<*&3) !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !ever. ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ing! as 49-*7*2&/47*(.9.*88*#38:757.8.3,1>:*5*7-&58:*9-**#3.9* ! !Hanks, ! !! the! Best ! ! !Actor ! ! gong ! ! ! ! for ! !! a second ! ! !! !who! won !

Tom #3.43*.8*&184*.3;41;*)8 !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! year ! (having consecutive previously won for his portrayI9*9-**8&2**9.2*:*9-**97&).9.43&1*CO34<1*),*D*9*89: !! ! ! ! ! !! !! !sufferer ! ! ! ! ! ‘Philadelphia’), ! ! !! ! ! !! al of! aids is <-*7*'>*57485*(9.;**P43)43*(&''.*8*,4*9-4:,-*&3 ! ! !!Andrew ! ! ! !Beckett ! ! ! in ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! superb slow-witted Gump, who is ! *=-&:89.;**97.&1*'>*245*)*M<.9-*-&3)1**'&7*24:39*) ! ! !as! the!!apparently ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !

present! and involved - usually unwittingly! -!in a series (1.5'4&7)N*94*2*247.8**UVW*4+9*3*4'8(:7**74:9*8 ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! of major events in! US history, including! being ! ! ! ! !real life !

9-74:,-4:9*4:7*(&5.9&1:*.8*9-7*&9*3*)*'>*9-**:3.;*78&1 !! ! ! ! ! ! !! an early influence of Elvis’s performing! !style, suggest&);*39*4+*9-**8&93&;8* ! !! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ing words of ‘Imagine’! to John Lennon on the Dick ! the !4*>4:D)*.2&,.3**.9D8*349*&*,7*&9*9.2**94*'**&*9&=.*)7.;*7: !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! !! !

Cavett the Watergate break-in ! seeing ! !!! Show,!! as! !!well! as <-&9*<.9-*>4:7*':8.3*88*24)*1*9-7*&9*3*)*'>*9*(-3414D ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !! ! and ! from ! ! !bedroom ! ! alerting ! ! the ! police. ! ,>*349*431>*43*43**+7439:*':9*43*9<4*+74398:*&3)*..9.?*3 ! !his!! hotel ! ! alike! relatives ! ! ! in past ! ! ! ! !history ! !

He -&8**;*7>*8>25&9->*&8*4:7*(&''.*8*&7**9-**8&19*4+*9-* !even ! ! had ! ! look ! ! ! ! ! US ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! and ! first ! ! ! *&79-*D**=(*11*391>*034<1*),*&'1**)7.;*78*&3)*:8:&11> !!!! !!! a confederate ! ! !! ! ! ! Civil ! ! War including ! officer ! ! Grand ! ! Klux ! ! Klan,! General !! ! ! !Nathan ! ! ! !! Bedford !! ,7*&9*7&(439*:78*9448* Wizard of!! the !Ku !! Gump ! ! ! -! !and ! folks, !! the !yes ! ancestors ! ! !

K4<*;*7:*9-**,7*&9*#'*7*89&3)D4++*7*2.3)8*..9.?*3*4+ ! ! ! ! !

Forrest surname ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !was!! Gump, !! ! ! ! ! !

9-**8.9:&9.43*.3*9-***&71>**.,-9.*8*<-*3*9-**57.39*:3.438 !! not! Trump! here ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !! !!! ! ! the 97.*)*94*57*;*39*9-**.3974):(9.43*&3)*:8**4+*3*<*9*(-341D The driving sixties rock music throughout ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !movie !!

4,>*94*7*51&(**9-**41)*97&).9.43&1*C-49*2*9&1D*574):(9.43 ! !! ! !for! an ! ! ! soundtrack. !! ! ! ! !! also makes above average ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

2*9-4)88 ! ! ! played !! ! ! ! his ! ! !part!! ! superbly ! ! ! well Hanks and the special ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! .42548.9478*&3)*49-*7*97&).9.43&1*<470*78*.3*9-&9*.3):8D ! !placing ! ! ! ! ! ! !real! news ! footage ! !! ! and effects ! ! !!! ! Forrest ! !! ! !alongside ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! !

97>*<*7**80.11*)*,:>8*8*7;.3,*:5*94*&*X*>*&7*.3)*39:7*) ! including ! and ! Richard ! ! Nixon ! ! are ! way! people ! ! ! ! ! JFK, ! ! LBJ &557*39.(*8-.5*<.9-*9-**&'.1.9>*94*7*&)*:58.)**)4<3*&3) ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !of !their time. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ahead ! ! ! '&(0*94*+7439:*&3)*24;**1.3*8*4+*2*9&1*9>5**M-*3(**C1.34D ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !impressive ! ! ! ! !! effect ! of ! ! all! -! and !special ! an! early ! !

The most 9>5*DN*&74:3)*94*574):(**&*5*7+*(91>*1&.)*4:9*5&,*8*!3 ! ! ! of the genius ! ! ! of George ! ! Lucas’s ! ! Industrial ! ! ! ! example +&(9:*+47*)*).(&9.43*94*9-*.7*(7&+9:*.9*<&8*2:(-*1.0**9-* ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Magic ! and ! ! ! !the! scenes ! ! ! ! former !! !! ! ! of! Forrest’s ! ! !

Light (&''>D8*034<1*),**9*898 ! ! - are ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! War ! ! ! !Capt. ! ! played ! ! ! !commander ! ! brilliantly 7.39*:3.438*8:(-*&8*9-**BTI*1&.)*8.*,**94*9-**3*< Vietnam Dan, ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! in ! ! Sinese, ! he! ! has lost ! his! legs ! in! !action ".2*8*51&39*&9*$&55.3,*):7.3,*<-.(-*9.2**9-**3*<85&D by Gary after ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !!! ! ! ! ! ! !

5*7*<&8*349*5:'1.8-*)*+47*&74:3)*YY*2439-8*.3*YZ[\8** the war and meets up with Forrest in hospital, on a ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! !! !! ! !9*4((:77*)*94*..9.?*3*&9*9-**9.2**4+*9-**5749*89*D*&3) shrimp boat, various other locations.

These ! ! and ! ! in ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !

43(**&,&.3*<.9-*94)&>]8*)*243897&9.438*&,&.389*#'*7*D scenes later. ! could ! !be!!! bettered ! ! ! even !now, 23! !years ! ! not ! !! is just ! the ! four ! ! ! co-stars ! ! !

9-&9*O.3,*.&3:9**-.28*1+*43*&*9-743**43*9-**'&308*4+ Sinese ! ! ! one !of ! ! ! marvellous ! ! ! ! in the ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

9-**"-&2*8*&9*^4(01&3)8:*)*2&3).3,*9-&9*9-**7.;*7 film, along ! ! with! Sally !Field! ! as Forrest’s ! ! mum ! and !!! ! ! +14<8*.3*9-**45548.9**).7*(9.43:*<4:1)*:19.2&9*1>*-&;**&8 !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !

Mykelti Williamson, who played Forrest’s Army! Chum ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

2:(-**++*(98 ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! a long! line! of family ! shrimpers ! !who plans to Bubba from _;*39:&11>:*&3)*.3*;.9&'1>:*9-**3*<*57*88*8*7411*)*&3) ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! shrimp ! ! business !! with! Forrest ! after go into!!!the fishing !

3*<*9*(-3414,>*<&8*&)459*)*9-74:,-4:9*9-**.3):897>: ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!sadly ! war, ! Forrest, ! ! how! !!doesn’t the make it!! !home. &8*.8*&1<&>8*9-**(&8*:*'*(&:8**>4:*8.251>*(&3349*:3.3D !! but ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !Dan, ! ! ! ! ! the ever, keeps promise and! forms, with Capt. ;*39*842*9-.3,*43(**.9D8*9-*7*8* ! ! ! his ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! since ! ! ! ! !has Bubba Gump! Shrimp 1996 ?47*9-**57.39*.3):897>*9-74:,-4:9*9-**1&9**[WD8*&3)*9-* ! Company, !! ! ! ! ! !which ! !!! ! ! ! !! !! themed !life! existed !! !! ! with ! in restaurants around the!!!world *&71>*ZWD8*.9*85:73*)*'.,,*7*&3)*'*99*7*3*<85&5*78*&3) ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! of course, ! ! ! Square. ! ! ! *;*3*8&<*9-**1&:3(-*4+*3*<*3&9.43&1*9.91*8*D*"4)&> including, ! ! ! ! ! !!one ! in! Leicester !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !

M8&)1>*34*143,*7*<.9-*:8N*&3)*"-**!3)*5*3)*39:*9-&9 Perhaps the main co-star in ‘Forrest Gump’ is Robin ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! *;*3*247**8&)1>*(148*8*&8*&*57.39**).9.43*43*V\9Wright as Forrest’s troubled friend’ and lat! ! ! ! !lifelong ! ! ! ! ! !‘best ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! !

S&7(-:*5&791>*&8*&*7*8:19*4+*+:79-*7*9*(-3414,.(&1 terly wife, ! ! !Curran, !! !! ! ! whose ! ! ! !! wayward ! ! ! 60’s ! ! hippy ! ! !Jenny !! ! ! ! ! ! &);&3(*88*_;*3*3*<*7*9*(-3414,>:*.3*9-**+472*4+*9-* lifestyle strongly with Forrest's simplicity. !! ! !contrasts ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! She ! ! ! ! ! ! ! .39*73*9:*-&8*.25&(9*)*43*7*;*3:*8*M<.9-*&*2.,7&9.43*4+ turns ! ! again, ! ! !meeting ! !Gump ! !!events ! ! ! !up! time !! ! !and !!! at !major ! ! !

(1&88.+.*):*&3)*.3*5&79.(:1&7*7*(7:.92*39*&3)*5745*79> !! ! !! life, ! ! such ! ! ! ! ! ! ! in the as the anti-war demonstrations !! nation’s ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! &);*79.8.3,N*94*<*'8.9*8*&3)*43*7*&)*78-.5*<.9-*431.3* !! Lincoln ! ! ! ! ! !Memorial ! ! ! ! !! ! at the -!an !! ! !! ! in !Washington !! evocative 2*&38*4+*3*<8*)*1.;*7>8 ! !! as ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! location, Citizen can attest to, having visited ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! the site _31.,-9*3*)*5:'1.8-*78*D*+47**=&251**9-**".2*8*&3) ! ! years !a few but ! ! ! ago. ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ^&.1>*S&.1*&3)*9-**4<3*78*4+*14(&1*9.91*8:*.3(1:).3,*'49! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!

9-**_88*=*.-743.(1**&3)*.-*128+47)*$**01>*B*<8*D*&11 ! ! ! !HOME !! !! ! !! IN ! ! ! ! ! ! AT ! ! THE ! ! ! !! ! !GUMP ! !! ! ! ALSO MRS 8&<*<-&9*<&8*-&55*3.3,*&3)*&)&59*)*94*8:7;.;**574D ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ):(.3,**=(*11*39*431.3***).9.438*&143,8.)**9-*.7*57.39 HOUSE !IN! NETFLIX ! ! ! WHITE ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !

4++*7.3,88*I3)*9-.8*.8*9-**0*>*D*&)&59*94*8:7;.;*8 BOX SET ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

"-.8*<&8*<->*..9.?*38*;.8.9*94*9-**:7.3&1*&9*!58<.(Jenny could !is! a! role !that ! ! ! well ! ! have ! defined ! Robin ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

"4<3*<&8*43**4+*7*1.*+:*.3*247**<&>8*9-&3*43*:*&8*.9 Wright’s !! (in! much ! same ! !! !career ! !! the ! !! ! ! way ! !! as ! Margot ! !! ! ! ! ! ).8(4;*7*)*9-&9*97&).9.43&1*9&=.*)7.;*78*&184*-&)*9-* ! Lois Kidder ! will!!forever !! ! ! be ! Lane). !! ! It! is! to her ! ! enormous ! !! ! ! ! ! !

455479:3.9>*94*&)&59*&3)*34<*-&)*9-*.7*4<3*&558*94 ! ! ! ! ! ! that !!! !talents !! !actress, credit, on her ! !!and a !reflection ! as !an (425*9**<.9-*9-**S.3.D.&'*)7.;*3*#'*78 ! ! ! ! !! ! ! totally !reinvented ! ! ! herself !for! a whole ! !new she has gen! ! ! ! ! ! ! !:'8*6:*39*T44,1**7*8*&7(-*-&8*8-4<3*9-&9*9-*7**&7* ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! eration of quality drama Underwood, ! ! fans ! as Clare ! ! ! the &9*1*&89*9<4*(425*9.3,*K&(03*>*.&77.&,**C-&.1.3,D*&558 ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! President Lady Macbethlike ! ! ! Spacey’s ! ! ! ! !

D*CT*99D*(4;*7.3,*(.9.*8*8:(-*&8*P43)43:*T1&8,4<: ! ! !!Macbeth ! ! !!to! Kevin ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !box set ‘House Frank in! the! superb Netflix !

P**)8:*F.72.3,-&2*&3)*B*<*%470*&3)*CK&.14D*9-&9 !!Underwood ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! of Cards’ (series 5) due this month, which! will fully justi).9(-*)*.98*57.;&9**-.7**&85*(9*&3)*7*9:73*)*94*9-**C5:7.D ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! fy the !upgrade 9>D*MaN*4+*'1&(0*(&'8*1&89*b(94'*78 !!of the !! ! Netflix ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! subscription.

Perhaps will soon tell who as ..9.?*3*.8*(43+.)*39*9-&9*'1&(0*(&'8*&3)*9-*.7*(-**7> ! ! ! ! !! ! time ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! we!! prefer ! ! ! President )7.;*78*<.11*<*&9-*7*9-**#'*7*89472*&3)*7*.3;*39*9-*.7 the ! ! !!!Underwood, ! ! !! thing ! ! ! ! !or !!the !real !!! in! the! form ! ! of !fictional 24):8*45*7&3).*&8*49-*7*.3):897.*8*-&;**-&)*94*)4*.3 ! !!! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !

‘The !! Donald’?

9-**,74<.3,*+&(**4+*9*(-3414,>8* ! ! ! HD !TV, !!

Whether to! a! 4k Ultra ! ! or! !!not! ! you ! ! ! have ! ! access K4<*;*7:*.9*.8*349*&8*(43+.)*39*9-&9*C"-**O34<1*),*D*<.11 ! !! ! of! ! Cards’, !! ! ! ! recommend ! ! ! ! !!both! !‘House ! !! !!‘The ! would Citizen 8:7;.;*:*&8*9-**".2*8*(41:23.89* !! ! !! of!!‘Forrest ! ! ! !-! maybe ! ! ! ! and ! ! ! ! -.1.5*.411.38*<749* ! ! !!a !revisiting !! !even Crown’ Gump’ M7*+*77.3,*94*.9*.3*-.8*(41:23*43*YY9-*?*'7:&7>Nc*A8889-* ! !!the ! !first ! time, ! ! ! of ! ! ! mil! ! ! ! ! ! it for ! ! ! !as! many ! !today’s discovering 80.11*.8*7*):3)&398*"-**O34<1*),**9&0*8*9-7***>*&78 !! generation !! ! ! should ! ! ! do !if they ! haven’t ! ! ! seen ! it ! lennial &3)*&*8&93&;*<.9-*&3*&334>.3,*;4.(**(&3*)4*.9*.3*8*(D ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! already.

43)88*"-**9&=.*)7.;*78*&7**-&;.3,*&*1&:,-8B ! of! these ! !may ! ! well ! ! prove !! ! !! ! to !be light ! ! relief ! !! !compared Any ?.3&11>:*9-**3*=9*9.2**!58<.(-*&7**&9*-42*:*..9.?*3*<.11 ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! to watching real life events unfold in this BREXIT and -&;**94*(-*(0*4:9*9-**3&2**4+*9-&9*&55*94*(43+.72*9-&9 ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Trump dominated year on the BBC, Sky News or CNN. .9*944*<&83D9*-&;.3,*&*1&:,-88847**;*3*9&0.3,*9-**5.88A ! ! ! ! !!

!"#$%&%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%'($%)*#$%+,-./%0.&-/1%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Page !!8 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The!! Edge 01245 348256!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Edge 244_The Edge 172.qxd 24/01/2017 14:22 Page 9

OUR LOCAL BUTCHER

Kids reading The Edge

Airport Hugs I was at Heathrow quite early the other Sunday morning and it costs twelve quid just to pick someone up, once you’ve entered the short-stay car-park and nipped inside, purchased a couple of coffees, and then located your friends or relatives.

But as I was sat there, slurping on my brew, I got to thinking how very lovely it was to see people greeting friends and loved ones off their flights. Such a public show of affection, both genuine, honest and with feeling, warmth and meaning.

And that’s when I started wondering whether there’s a potential gap in the market for a hired dishonest hugger?

Because it seemed a bit sad watching all those other folk scuttling through Arrivals with no-one to greet them, so why not pay for a professional meeter’n’greeter so you can give off the impression to the world that you are actually loved, as opposed to, you know, being a lonely old scrote.

All types of meeter’n’greeter should obviously be available, depending upon what image the arrivee wishes to convey. For instance, do they wish to be met by a Mother Teresa type figure, or someone who looks like a Bunny Girl from Hugh Hefner’s mansion?

IN D E L N O YO IVE W UR RIN AR G EA

Afternoon Dip This took some doing, I must say.

On New Year’s Day, I disbelievingly watched this lady strip down to what she is wearing (above) before unhesitatingly walking out into the sea at Swanage, Dorset, before completely submerging herself in the water and swimming about a bit for a total of two or three minutes (long enough, I assure you, readers) before wandering back to the shore and the comfort of a fluffy beach towel, together with a round of applause from people like me and those out walking their dogs and suchlike.

“Is she bloody mad?” I’d asked her husband, whilst she was still out there, frolicking about.

He smiled and told me, “She just has this urge to do it whenever we visit the seaside, whatever the weather.”

It’s good to still have ‘the urge’ at her age.

Based in Stockbrook Farm Shop & Nursery, ourlocalbutcher.com has brought the traditional butchers shop into the 21st century.

For one thing, they only use suppliers they know and trust, whilst the vast majority of their meat is sourced locally in Chelmsford. However, unlike traditional butchers, all of the meat is freshly prepared and ready for your oven, grill or BBQ. When it comes to feeding you and your family you can be sure that you are eating ready to cook meals that are healthier, lower in salt, sugar and saturated fats than processed ready meals.

Ourlocalbutcher.com have a full online shop and for a minimum £25 spend, free deliveries are available six days a week in the CM1 and CM2 areas, right to your door. The website is easy to navigate and online payments are accepted securely. Or, if you prefer, there is also a click and collect option and your order will be ready for you when you arrive at Stockbrook Farm Shop & Nursery. Because the farm shop sells seasonal fruit and vegetable as well, it is the perfect place for you to pick up everything from one stop. There is free on-site customer parking too.

Our Local Butcher can now be your local butcher too

We only use Locally sourced & British high welfare meat Ready for the oven prepared meat & traditional cuts all available

Quick & easy to cook making meal times exciting for you & the whole family

Our Local Butcher has brought the traditional butchers shop into the 21st Century and right to your door. We provide a selection of ready for the oven meats which are quick and easy to cook and our ‘just add’ hints help make it even easier!

He’s only 18 months old, but already young Logan Grimes is clearly an incredibly switched on kid.

Logan Grimes?

Hmmmmm. How many of you have seen a movie called ‘Lawless’ starring Thomas Hardy?

If you have, can’t you just imagine that Logan Grimes was an unscrupulous character making his very own moonshine liquor somewhere out in the back of beyond.

Pray, just what sort of a name is Logan Grimes to bestow upon one so very young?

Sounds as though he’ll be carving off horses heads and placing them in people’s beds before he’s even six.

Logan Grimes www.theedgemag.co.uk

Check out Ourlocalbutcher.com for details and use promo code MYLOCALBUTCHER for 10% off your first order.

Ourlocalbutcher.com is now delivering to this area.

Register online today for 10% off your first order.

Click & Collect also available from Stockbrook Farm Shop & Nursery, Stock Rd, CM4 9PQ.

Page 9

The Edge 244_The Edge 172.qxd 24/01/2017 14:22 Page 10

LAUREN’S

LOGIC

Valentine’s? Still Single? Pagh!

14th February. 24 hours in which us single outcasts allow ourselves a block of cheese as a substitute for each of our recommended three daily meals.

The trouble with Valentine’s Day is that it’s an opportunity to recognise that, ultimately, we are ugly, fat and still very much single. Perhaps forever.

So for my first column for The Edge magazine, I welcome February, the month I dedicate to you, Bridget Jones. A woman who, like the majority of us, attempts to find love within a city jam-packed full of boring bastards.

Yet also one who understands the need to drink no more (and no less) than 14 units of alcohol a week. So thank you, Bridg’. Misery surely loves company.

Winter Sun in Lanzarote As a sluggish young adult born into a family of newly pledged fitness enthusiasts, one of whom is attempting the London Marathon this April, our winter holiday to Lanzarote was merely another country for me to ‘fast walk’ behind my app-assisted parents. My step-dad, Ken, a new member to the fitness world, aspires to be 2017s answer to Mo Farah, although one with a slight beer belly and a passion for croissants. Meanwhile mum, Karen, is a dedicated liquid luncher and avid follower of Joe Wicks, although suitably unable to sweat too much herself in case her EasiLock hair extensions start to matt.

Mum is a woman hell bent on firming her figure with the potential target of a bum like Kim K, albeit slightly smaller.

So picture this: a born and bred Essex girl who religiously has her eyelashes in-filled with elongated extensions and a lover of curly blow-dries, climbing a volcano. Yep, that was me.

So there I was, somehow at the very top, struggling to breathe and looking very much like a beginner who’s far too keen to impress.

I’ll remember to stay at home next year.

Fifty Shades More

MUMMY TUMMY TO

YUMMY MUMMY DNA Group Fit a fun fuelled fitness solution 7 Day FREE Trial Visit: www.bootcampit.com Page 10

It’s been two years since we first gawped (or felt a little red-faced) over the erotic screenplay of Fifty Shades of Grey. So whilst we await another fully fledged British breakdown over Jamie Dornan, the sequel, Fifty Shades Darker, is finally just around the corner. The months, days, minutes and seconds have all manifested to this very moment in which Ann Summers can spread their wings and fly straight to the top of product sales.

Take that how you wish!

Despite being categorised as a romance, the Fifty Shades trilogy relates to those adverts you often see on TV of an evening, regarding physical abuse and a helpline to follow....minus the helpline.

Christian Grey, a mentally deranged man who uses bondage as a form of punishment to control a young woman, Anastasia Steel. Put this into a real life scenario and The Daily Mail wouldn’t be able to print the story fast enough. But let’s not jump to conclusions. I, like most, will again walk out of the cinema completely smitten with a rich, good-looking man. Because my glass is always half full. Especially for you, Jamie.

An iMessage I received earlier today, read: “What date can we book to see Fifty Shades? I need my share of Jamie ASAP”.

E.L James, you have concurred, again.

Roxanne I have always been stereotyped as ‘one of those cat ladies’ and hold my trophy name without any shame. Owning two overweight moggies and a wellgroomed Russian Blue, you are now probably aware that our household understands that it’s good to have balance.

A few weeks back, our Russian Blue, Roxanne, fell from a tree which led to a rupture in her back leg.

Bless her.

I think you’ll agree with me when I say that seeing your furry, four-legged children in an agonising amount of pain is probably worse than it happening to your nearest and dearest.

Nevertheless, fast-forward to today and Roxanne is now three-quarters feline and one-quarter robot.

Which is pretty cool for a pedigree, right?

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 244_The Edge 172.qxd 24/01/2017 16:38 Page 11

DOG or WIFE?

1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never, ever visit.

5. Dogs accept that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24/7.

7. Dogs find it amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up during the night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the â&#x20AC;&#x2122;paper and sell them, or even give them away.

11. A dog will let you wear its studded-collar without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They simply find it interesting.

13. Dogs like to stick their heads out of the car window.

And last, but not least: 14. If a dog decides to leave, it won't take half of your stuff when it goes.

To test this theory, lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.

Then open it up and see who's happiest to see you.

www.theedgemag.co.uk

!"#$%&'('&)%*'++,++"&)#%-'".!*/*'0++,++1/'"!*"%-2&"!232&"#

4567+52&"!23+8&"#

CALL: 07977 132 111 VISIT: www.omni-martialarts.co.uk

Get Into Martial Arts is a trademark of NEST Management Ltd, Unit 3.2 Wilford Business Park, Ruddington Lane, Nottingham, NG11 7EP. Registered in England 03928678.

Page 11

The Edge 244_The Edge 172.qxd 24/01/2017 17:10 Page 12

Did any of you catch that Piers Morgan prick interviewing Raquel Welch on TV recently?

My god, The Edge doesn’t care how much ‘work’ she’s had done, because at 76 she still looks absolutely amazing.

How to Party!

Welcome to CTZN, says Ronnie Banks!

CTZN opened its doors early in 2014 and has played host to the likes of Olly Murs, TOWIE and reality TV stars alike. Nearly 3 years on and CTZN has gone from strength to strength, bringing together local people and an upmarket experience, whilst Olly is still a regular visitor! CTZN is one of the longest standing and undoubtedly the most successful venue of its kind in the area.

Currently open Sundays to Thursdays for lunch and bites and for dinner on Fridays and Saturdays, courtesy of its Turkish Grill offering an extensive menu with some great variety that’s pretty much guaranteed to suit everyone.

CTZN prides itself on its tasty cocktails and also offers cocktail master classes, which are a fun-filled experience which are becoming ever more popular.

Along with all this, the Club Nights are second-to-none with music from live acts and some of the best DJ’s Essex has to offer. Oh yes, CTZN sure knows how to party! Wednesday nights are Student Nights offering some truly great deals, whilst Fridays and Saturdays are the main club nights.

Throughout it all, quality is never compromised.

But if you think CTZN is a nightclub, then you’d be wrong! CTZN is a versatile venue offering quality food at great value prices and a memorable club experience.

jÉÉwÄxçËá c|éétá Ooooooh yeah!

5pm-8pm

FRIDAY

3rd & 17th FEB.

Village Hall car-park, South Street, Great Waltham.

Page 12

Your editor isn’t overkeen on dogs, but it’s reassuring to know that they can obviously give their owner ‘the look’ whenever they’ve spotted something they think might interest them and make them raise their eyebrows.

Yours truly will doubtless be giving it some of the old Roger Moore’s in the eyebrow department to ‘Bernard the Feckwitt’ in Thailand next month, unbeknown to our wives, naturally. When strolling along the beach, every bloke knows to keep one step to the rear of his wife/partner, because you don’t want to get caught with your mouth open, gawping, do you?

Mirrored sunglasses and keeping one’s head facing 100% forwards are other deceptive tactics, whilst unbeknown to all and sundry, one’s eyeballs are working tirelessly, darting about left, right and centre behind said shades.

The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 244_The Edge 172.qxd 24/01/2017 14:52 Page 13

Instead of Valentine’s Day, how about Carradine’s Day? I used to love watching David Carradine in Kung Fu when I was a nipper.

Some of The Edge’s younger readers may not have even heard of it, but it used to be a weekly western martial arts drama series back in the early seventies and a programme that was definitely not to be missed for its fight scenes alone, which pretty much always occurred during the final 10 minutes of each episode.

The series followed the adventures of Kwai Chang Caine, portrayed by David Carradine as an adult, Keith Carradine (David’s younger brother in reallife) as a teenager, and Radames Pera as the whippersnapper Grasshopper.

Caine was a Shaolin Monk who travelled through the American Old West armed only with his spiritual training and his skills in martial arts, trying to find Danny Caine, his half-brother.

Blind Master Po was also a member of the regular cast, who christened young Kwai as a green, ground-dwelling, Orthoptera.

Caine was the orphaned son of an American man and a Chinese woman. After his maternal grandfather croaked, he was accepted for training at a Shaolin Monastery where he eventually grew up to become a Shaolin Priest and martial arts expert.

In the pilot episode, Caine’s beloved mentor, Master Po, is murdered by the Emperor’s nephew.

Outraged, Caine retaliates by killing the nephew and with a price on his head flees China to the western United States, where he sought to discover his family roots and, ultimately, his long-lost half-bro’.

Although it was his intention to avoid notice, Caine’s training and sense of social responsibility repeatedly forced him out of the shadows in order to fight for injustice and ever protect the underdog.

But after each such encounter he moved on, both

www.theedgemag.co.uk

to avoid capture and prevent harm from coming to those he had helped.

During his search, Caine meets a preacher (played by his real-life father, John Carradine) and his mute sidekick, Sonny Jim (played by his real-life brother, Robert Carradine) and then his grandfather (played by someone other than a real-life family member).

Flashbacks were often used to recall specific lessons learnt from Caine’s upbringing at the monastery, while part of King Fu’s special fried rice appeal was undoubtedly his memories of both the mental and spiritual powers he had gained from his rigorous training.

Master Po: “Close your eyes. What do you hear?”

Young Caine: “I hear the water. I hear the birds.”

Po: “Do you hear your own heartbeat?”

Caine: “No.” Po: “Do you hear the grasshopper which is at your feet?”

Caine: “Old man, how is it that you hear these things?”

Po: “Young man, how is it that you do not?”

Incidentally, the Shaolin Monastery which appears in Caine’s many flashbacks was originally a set used in the 1967 film Camelot. It was inexpensively converted for the setting in China.

The series used slow-motion effects for the action sequences, which Warner Bros. had previously utilised in The Wild Bunch (1969) and also in The Six Million Dollar Man, played by Lee Majors.

In her memoirs, Bruce Lee’s widow, Linda Lee Cadwell, asserts that her husband created the concept for the Kung Fu series, which was then stolen

by Warner Bros. There is circumstantial evidence for this in a 8th December 1971 television interview that Bruce Lee gave on something called The Pierre Berton Show. In the interview, Lee stated that he had developed a concept for a television

series called The Warrior, which was meant to star himself, about a martial artist in the American Old West (the same concept as Kung Fu which aired the following year), but that he was having trouble pitching it to both Warner Bros. and Paramount.

There definitely appears to have been some discussion as to whether or not an Asian actor should play the part of Caine and Bruce Lee was certainly considered for the role, although at that time, The Big Boss, Fist of Fury, Way of the Dragon and Enter the Dragon had not yet been released. At that particular point, Bruce Lee was best known for his role as Kato on TV’s Green Hornet in the midsixties, a role which Lee privately hated due to his character being so subservient.

Whatever the ins and outs of the behind the scenes fracas, your editor adored Kung Fu and I seem to recall getting home from my weekly evening trip to the swimming baths and watching it with a couple of beefburger sandwiches with ketchup.

Page 13

The Edge 244_The Edge 172.qxd 24/01/2017 14:23 Page 14

Pinky & Perky Your editor would like to think he’s not alone in remembering Pinky & Perky and that both Citizen (page 8) and Wardo (page 25) will both admit to having watched the two swine in their prime as well.

They were actually going to be called Pinky & Porky, but there was a bit of a ‘to do’ so far as the name registering rights were concerned in the case of the latter (good grief, why did anyone care?), so Pinky & Perky they jolly well became.

Now clearly The Edge has some very young and astute readers, otherwise the every-now-and-then ‘Kids Reading The Edge’ (see page 9) section wouldn’t exist. But would this month’s participant, Logan Grimes, honestly poke up with Pinky & Perky today?

Doubtful. He’d probably say, “What’s this old load of tosh, Uncle Victor?

What are the BBC trying to fob me off with ’ere? I’m not stupid, do they know. They aren’t even two different characters/actors/luvies. Why, they’re the very same pig, only one’s wearing a decidedly dodgy French beret.”

And young Logan would be right.

Fact is though, this is what the likes of Citizen, Wardo and I had to poke up with back in our day. In fact, Pinky & Perky first hit out screens as long ago as 1957, which remarkably is even before your editor was born,

Page 14

although doubtless both Citizen and Wardo had long since been in short pants for a couple of years by then.

P&P were created by a couple of Czechoslovakian immigrants called Jan & Viasta Dalibor, primarily due, or so it would seem, because the pig was seen as a symbol of good luck in their former country.

Best thing by far about these two dodgy piglets was the fact that they sang in extremely high-pitched voices. Forget Aled Jones, kids. We are talking far more like after a mouthful of helium gas here. In fact, I even remember having a Pinky & Perky single as a kid, which if they rereleased it today would go straight to the top of the charts (if indeed they still have a hit parade in the 21st century?). However, to achieve their ultra high velocity, definitely no pigs were gassed during the recording. What happened was, someone with a normal voice (Jimmy Somerville?) was recorded at twice the original speed (you may or may not remember that Ken Dodd’s well-dodgy Diddymen sounded not dissimilar too). Meanwhile, P&P’s theme tune was called ‘We Belong Together’ (say n’more).

The mud wallowers also had their very own fictional TV station called PPC TV, on which they performed comedy sketches the likes of Little & Large, usually with a human foil (like Basil Brush always had). Other puppets on the show included a female pig, Ambrose the Cat, Basil Bloodhound, Bertie Bonkers (the baby elephant), Conchita the Cow, Horace Hare and Vera Vixen.

The piglets amazingly also ‘made it’ Stateside too, appearing on a number of programmes/channels, as well as on the famous Ed Sullivan Show when both the Beatles and Morcombe & Wise were on the same bill.

P&P were on the Beeb for 11 years until 1968, when they defected trough and all - to ITV until 1971. However, most of the time they would pretty much just lip-sync to songs by the likes of Petula Clark, such as ‘Downtown’, and isn’t it strange that in these somewhat sad days, there are even whole TV programmes devoted to the like (of lip-syncing), which clearly Pinky & Perky were the piggy pioneers of way back then.

The characters enjoyed ever such a brief revival in the 1990s on the short-lived children’s series The Pig Attraction.

P&P even transferred to an all-new CGI-animated television series in 2008 consisting of 52 episodes, each 13 minutes long. Some of the old characters remained, whilst some new ones were also introduced, such as Dr. Roo (oh dear) and Harry Trotter (FFS).

A DVD of the new look Pinky & Perky, featuring 8 episodes from their final series, entitled License To Swill (love it) was also released in 2009.

So it seems that what your editor thought was dead and buried in the past has actually been regurgitated a fair old time or two for the kids of today.

Well, the kids of not-so-very-long-ago at least.

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Help to buy, or no help to buy, that is the question?

Buying your own home with only a 5% deposit The government introduced a scheme (only please don’t stop reading, just because I’ve mentioned the ‘G’ word) back in 2013 to assist those trying to buy their first or next home.

Meanwhile, right here in Chelmsford, prices to buy a home have gone up and up beyond belief (some say due to a certain large department store coming to town last year who are never knowingly undersold).

The scheme was introduced when mortgage lenders imposed buyers to put down a minimum deposit of 10%-15% which in Chelmsford would equate to an amount of £37,500 on an average purchase price of £250,000 - not a measly sum in anyone’s book. But with the Help to Buy scheme, this figure dropped to 5% (£12,500), which although still a significant amount is a figure that is far more attainable to achieve.

However, there are some strange misconceptions about the scheme.

It’s only available to first time buyers – WRONG It’s only available to those buying a new build – WRONG No one really uses it – WRONG It’s worth mentioning that you can only qualify for the scheme if you are intending to purchase your only home, as opposed to a second (or even third) property, which makes sense.

As a mortgage broker (for longer than I care to admit to for fear of giving my age away), I can safely say that recently we have seen a higher uptake on the Help to Buy scheme in both the new and second-hand market.

But if you’re still baffled, do get in touch with either myself or anyone in our mortgage department as we will happily talk you through the process, minus the jargon, and help you discover if the scheme is something that could possibly work for you.

The Help to Buy scheme has certainly achieved what it was set up to do, as in December 2016 it was withdrawn so far as the second-hand market is concerned, as lenders are now offering legitimate 95% mortgages with competitive rates without the government’s backing.

However, the government backed scheme for new build properties remains in place for the foreseeable future, although if you don’t understand the pros and cons of an equity loan, then once again, do come in and see us and we’ll talk you through it all from start to finish.

Home Partnership Mortgages are based at The Home Partnership Estate Agents at 11 Duke Street, Chelmsford.

Simply make an appointment by calling 01245 250222 Joanne Williams/Director/The Home Partnership

Through tut Keyhole I wanted this page to maintain its property theme, but Through tut Keyhole really doesn’t interest The Edge much, so let’s instead consider whether Keith Lemon’s looks (and hair) are going down the pan (how shallow), because he certainly doesn’t look like he looks (above) any more, does he, readers?

What’s with the scraped back PGH (proper ginger hairdo) he seems to be sporting these days? It definitely looks to The Edge as though he’s losing his locks.

However, follicles aside, The Edge has to say that his impersonation of Celebrity Nobody Mark Wright is absolutely first class.

Keith has completely nailed the sucker.

When Mike Yarwood used to ‘take off’ Harold Wilson and Frank Spencer, we used to think that was as good as it gets, right?

So if you haven’t yet seen Lemon/Merrion (Leigh Francis) as Mark Wright, then this mag implores you to check it out on YouTube, as it even makes Michelle Keegan wet her pants. Keith as Mark Wright

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Brentwood St. Thomas Road, CM14 4DB 01277 218 821 Chelmsford 11 Duke Street, CM1 1HL 01245 250 222 thehomepartnership.co.uk Follow us on Twitter @TheHomePartners

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WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MC HAMMER? Stanley Kurt Burrell (54), better known as MC Hammer; just where the hell did he disappear to?

One minute we couldn’t switch our TV sets on without seeing his legs going ten-to-the-dozen like he’d just discovered a cockroach inside his yellow Ali-Ba-Ba pants, but now, it’s as though he’s vanished into thin air.

He seemed to have such a rapid rise to fame and surely everyone and their dog remembers ‘U Can’t Touch This’ (although The Edge’s favourite was always, “Oh yes we Pray, prayyyyy, Pray, prayyyy, We got to pray just to make it today”), his eponymous Hammer pants and all of his wickedly choreographed dance sequences? He was Mr Entertainment and a hip hop icon, right? Not to mention one with 50 million record sales worldwide.

However, on the plus side, Whitney Houston’s father apparently wanted Stan to marry his daughter, so that might have done her a favour if matters had progressed favourably.

Such stories sure are weird though, aren’t they?

Take someone like MC, who was born into poverty the likes of many of us will never know, only then he goes and gains riches, once again the likes of which most of us will never know, before he goes and blows it all, the daft bugger.

Has anyone seen this man?

Hammer was also the very first hip hop artist to achieve diamond status for an album, which must be pretty, you know, important, like.

So was it overexposure what done for ’im, eh?

Burrell changed tact and became a preacher during the late 1990s and if there’s one thing that could have got your editor out of bed on a Sunday morning in order to Praise the Lord, then it would surely have been MC and some big black mamma gospel singers, as The Edge reckons they would have surely blown the roof off any church you care to mention in Chelmsford.

But at the end of the day, anyone who can generate graffiti on traffic STOP signs throughout the world with ‘Hammer Time’ scrawled underneath has surely left his mark.

The Edge also understands he’s been happily married to his wife for 25 years, they have five kids together and they live in sunny California, so at the end of the day, it sounds as though things could have been a whole lot worse for dear old MC. Perhaps The Edge’s San Diego correspondent Steve Ward should look The Hammer up...

Forbes magazine reckoned Stan once had an estimated net worth of $33 million before he ended up going $13 million into debt (how the ’eck does anyone let that happen to themselves?). He filed for bankruptcy in 1996 and his mansion was sold for a fraction of its true worth.

“My priorities were completely out of order,” he is acknowledged to have admitted at the time.

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Okay, so this is The Edge’s homage/collage to the icy cold of winter and I have to say that here at ‘Edge Towers’ it is not a time of year that I particularly like at all. Fact is, your editor simply cannot function properly in winter. I go off G&Ts (what’s that all about?) and I really don’t like it when my extremities feel chilly. I don’t like getting out of bed, out of a nice hot shower, I don’t like waiting for my car to defrost and I don’t like the colour of the sky and the fact that the sun barely shines. But apart from all that, hell yes ..........WINTER’S ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIC!

IT’S SO DAMN COLD I ACCIDENTALLY KEYED A CAR WITH MY NIPPLES

OOOPS!

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WARNING: You can fall out big-time whilst playing this! unscrupulous, surly swines The Feckwitt’s truly are, for Scattergories has a habit of revealing people’s true colours.

Have you heard of this game, readers?

It’s a belter, I’ll give it that. Only do make sure you have internet access whenever you’re playing it, because otherwise you just might fall out with your opponents.

Particularly if you’re up against former friends (yes, you read that right, you lousy, cheating, Feckwitt’s).

In a nutshell, what happens is this. You each have a sheet of paper containing 12 blank spaces in which to write your answers. Then an A-Z dice with 26 sides (called a rhombicuboctahedron off the top of my head, or something like that at any rate) is rolled, which obviously lands on a particular letter. So let’s say it lands on ‘R’, for argument’s sake (and arguments are what you will damn well have). The timer is then set and you all have to answer questions beginning with the letter ‘R’, such as a bird, or a sports team, or a famous person.

So if you opt for Robin Redbreast, Glasgow Rangers and Johnny Rotten, you may well get two points for the bird, one point for the football team and nil pwa for the former Sex Pistols legend, depending upon your argumentative prowess, as his real name is clearly Lydon.

Or you might not get any points at all, because if any two (or more) players record the same answer, that cancels each other out.

As I’ve said, things can get a little heated, particularly when you’re up against not only each other, but the buzzer as well, which shrills to say time up after approximately three minutes.

And when you mix all of that with copious amounts of alcohol, fireworks pretty soon start to fly, particularly when you’re playing against people who blatantly bend the rules.

On New Year’s Eve, everything turned to shite, as far as I was concerned, when The Feckwitt’s wouldn’t let me have nightstand as an item of bedroom furniture, starting with the letter ‘N’.

Unfortunately we didn’t have internet access, but when you Google nightstand it comes straight up with ‘Nightstand & Bedside Tables’.

OK, so perhaps it’s an American word, but then Scattergories is an American-made game. Only none of that mattered so far as The Feckwitt’s were ever so unsportingly concerned, because if they’d never heard of the word nightstand, how could it possibly exist? And yes, readers, I totally agree with you when you hiss what low-down

Only it gets worse. One question that demanded an answer with the letter ‘H’ was Things found inside a suitcase?

I very cleverly, or so I thought, answered hinges. Only to be met by a chorus of jeers from both Feckwitt’s, who stated the bleedin’ obvious in tandem, “They’re on the outside.” But surely certain suitcases come with the hinges on the inside, don’t they? Think Sansomite, for instance.

Anyway, once we were back in the land of internet access, it didn’t take me long to find a picture of such a suitcase, although by then it was too late, obviously. But did I get an apology from The Feckwitt’s? Chance would be a fine thing.

However, their sheer and utter piece de resistance centred on Mrs Feckwitt’s Things found on a picnic, beginning with the letter ‘S’. Now strawberries I could have stomached, for strawberries and cream go hand-in-hand with a nice summer afternoons picnic. Spoons even, to eat the strawberries and cream with. Hell, even if she’d answered sandals, I could have accepted that, as all ladies present would hardly likely to be wearing hobnail boots on their feet during summertime, now would they?

But satsumas???

That is simply not within the spirit of the game and it doesn’t even matter that Mrs Feckwitt once (allegedly) took some on a picnic of her own. It’s merely another word for cheating!

Lookalikes

Rita Fairclough and Paul McCartney are the spitting image of one another.

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EDGE REACHES PORTSMOUTH

Received this email from a reader exactly one week after the January 2017 issues had started going out:Firstly, thanks for a great read every month. The Edge is picked up by a colleague of mine who works in Chelmsford and he religiously brings it down to Portsmouth every month for us Safety Engineers to share it around between us. Hand on heart, you never fail to entertain us.

Right, that’s the glowing praise over and done with.

Like you, my wife also saves the spanking new fivers (see page 27, January Edge) and I have to hand over any I get in my change, along with all my £2 coins (shiny or otherwise). So you are not alone!

As regards the ‘Hole in my Shoe’ lyrics (see page 19, January Edge), I was 14 when it was first released and reached No. 2 in the hit parade. I was always convinced it was meant to represent a drugs trip high and I still have it on my playlist on my iPod to this day. The lyrics may indeed be a load of old bull....but I still love it whenever I hear it.

BIG in ITALY

Regular Edge reader Andy Gardener states:Just reading the January Edge and I can 100% confirm that Subbuteo is still going strong.

I went to its relaunch party a few years ago and former Liverpool and England striker John Barnes was in attendance, playing against all comers (wish I’d taken a picture).

The problem is that toy shops are now incredibly few and far between, so you don’t often see Subbuteo for sale anywhere.

However, it’s still clearly big in Italy where I was recently delighted to discover an outlet stocking hundreds of teams.

And it seems regular Edge columnist Steve Ward is also a fan: A school chum and I used to play it on his dining room table. His dad put some brass eyelets around the edge of the pitch and we tied them with string underneath the table to keep it nice and tight.

I agree with you that teams would often be bought for their kit alone, rather than who they were. I once bought Plymouth Argyle purely for that reason, and also a team from the old Scottish second division, although I can’t remember which one.

Hey, I once bought Blackpool for exactly that reason, Wardo, and I still love both Blackpool and the Netherlands national kit to this very day. Both are so very bright and sunny.

Regards Gerry Richards Professional Old Git

What other publication in Chelmsford gets sent all around the country/world, eh? Absolutely none that The Edge can think of, that’s for damn sure.

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Addictive Novels

The Edge household only took advantage of Amazon a few weeks before Crimbo. Well, it’s winter, isn’t it....what the hell else is there to do?

However, it wasn’t long before I stumbled across an absolute corker of a US drama series (and I’m not usually a fan of US drama) called Goliath starring Billy-Bob Thornton as a disgraced, anti-hero, former big-shot lawyer.

Five minutes into episode one and it already had me hook, sine and sinker.

I like BBT, so I’m always willing to give whatever he’s in a go, but Goliath completely rocked my boat and then some.

Thornton plays the part of down-at-heel Billy McBride, formerly of the giant Cooperman McBride empire that he helped create, along with Donald Cooperman - and what a performance William Hurt gives as Cooperman.

Billy is going through a rough patch. He’s been fired by Cooperman McBride, his wife (also a lawyer at Cooperman McBride, even though she

doesn’t much look like one) has left him, and he lives in a dingy LA motel room right next door to his favourite bar where he drinks far too much.

Out of the blue, a client approaches him to represent her in a wrongful (death by) injury case.

After somewhat reluctantly accepting, a series of strange occurances soon befall Billy, such as harassment, death threats and even trumped up arrest charges. Nevertheless, he fights to obtain justice against none other than a huge client of the great Cooperman McBride.

Some of the characters pretty wicked, such as superbitch Callie Senate, played by Molly Parker, Wendell Corey, played by country singer Dwight Yoakham, and the ravishing Brittany Gold, hooker and bizarre part-time paralegal (yes, you read that right) to Billy-Bob, played by Tania Raymonde.

I’ve read that if I liked Goliath, I might also like Bosch, Quarry, Start Up and Chance, which clearly remains to be seen.

When I read my first ever Jack Reacher novel, I had no idea that I’d shortly end up having read about half-a-dozen of the damn things, although somewhat strangely, that is the case.

The trouble is, they’re all pretty much the same and I’m not even certain which six I’ve read, which tends to pose a bit of a problem whenever I see one for sale in a charity shop, which is the only reason I ever go into charity shops, I’ll have you know.

I’ve just finished Killing Floor, and before that The Hard Way, which (snigger ye not) I’ve actually handed over for my wife to read.

Right now, I have seven books beside my bed, including two further Jack Reacher novels; Gone Tomorrow and The Visitor, which I only hope I haven’t previously read.

I even picked up A Spot of Bother by Mark Haddon for about 50p, because I loved his The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime, only I just know I’ll end up reading those next two Jack Reacher novels first, before I ever make a start on it.

Can you improve my bedtime reading habits, readers, by recommending me any novels you’ve read? shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The benefits of Boxing

C o m e j o i n u s b e a t C a n c e r o n S a t u rd a y 1 1t h March 2017 12:30 – 3:30p m

All that punching, kicking and jumping requires a surprising amount of strength. Think about it - most professional heavy bags weigh at least 100 pounds.

During a boxing workout, you may punch or kick a bag hundreds of times, requiring your upper body, lower body, and core to engage as you make contact with the bag. Plus most boxing gyms incorporate other strength training moves into a boxing workout. For instance, when I took a class at a local 9-Round, I did squats, push-ups, planks and weighted medicine ball exercises, all within the context of my fast-paced 30-minute circuit workout.

Boxing is a great outlet for stress for two reasons: first, during a boxing workout you typically transition between high intensity bouts of exercise and moderate intensity recovery periods. When you’re pushing yourself through a couple of minutes of high-intensity punching or kicking, you don’t have much mental power left to worry about how awful your job is, or how dirty your house is. And even during rest periods, you’ll be focused on sucking in wind and mentally preparing for the next round, not stressing over your packed schedule.

Second, there’s an incredibly cathartic release when you get to take some of your stress out on a punchbag. It’s an empowering feeling to knock your stress to smithereens.

Boxing is an incredible mechanism for improved body composition because it perfectly combines muscle-building strength training moves and calorie-torching bouts of cardio.

By regularly participating in a boxing programme and following a nutritious eating plan, there’s no reason why you won’t see changes in your shape and improvements to your fat mass percentage. And if you’re hoping for a pat on the back from your bathroom scales, you’re likely to see changes in your weight as well. info@totalsportstherapy.co.uk

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My faith in the service was then completely destroyed when my wife explained to me how she had accidentally pressed the stop button on a

ROOOOOONEY

Reports last year suggest that cinemas are going through an almighty resurgence with record profits following a string of blockbuster movies. There were fears in recent years that ‘a night at the pictures’ was a thing of the past, following the introduction of streaming sites such as Netflix. Films such as Star Wars are being credited in part for the upturn in fortunes, but personally I think it's all down to the popcorn and pick'n’mix they sell.

With his goal against Reading in the F.A. Cup, Wayne Rooney became Manchester United's joint leading goalscorer of all time, along with Sir Bobby Charlton, on 249 goals for the club. Love him or hate him, you have to applaud Rooney’s achievements, given that he reached the milestone in 543 appearances, whereas it took Bobby 758 games. Not only that, but despite the criticism levelled at him (sometimes justified), Rooney has done it for his country too. Only this time he has surpassed Sir Bob and is also England's all time leading goalscorer with 53 goals.

On a recent trip to the flicks I decided to buy some drinks and snacks as I thought they would be the perfect accompaniment to my evening’s entertainment. However, what I didn’t realise is that I would need to take out a second mortgage to pay for them. Now I agree that ticket sales are important to the sustainability of a business, but when one box of popcorn alone is sure-

I fully appreciate that some of you reading this will always associate Rooney with being a fat, over-paid, over-rated granny shagger (following unsubstantiated claims from Helen Wood that he paid her £1,000 for a threesome with him and Jennifer Thompson), whilst others will correctly point out that his achievements on the pitch, including 5 Premier League titles, one F.A. Cup

PICK’N’MIX

Billy Hinken winners medal, 3 League Cup winners medals and a Champions League gong, quite rightly, in my opinion, mark him out as one of the all time greats. And at just 31, Rooney probably still has quite a lot left to offer the game, although for me he is nearing the end of his career and, if recent trends are anything to go by, it wouldn't surprise me if he made the switch over to the Chinese Super League on three-hundred-gazillion-quid per week.

But before that day comes, I am sure Rooney will get a few more games in Manchester United colours and it is almost inevitable that he will surpass the milestone by the end of this season (if he hasn’t already).

You must be a ‘closet red’, Billy-Boy? Don’t let any Whammer fans know that!

E.E.

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F O

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THE ANCHOR RIVERSIDE

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MICHELIN BIB GOURMAND

EX

2017

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This happened to me recently, so I collared the driver of the next bus that arrived and asked him why he thought the previous bus had failed to stop for me. Astonishingly, I was told, "He probably didn't see you." Now correct me if I am wrong, but surely good eyesight is a prerequisite for the job of actually being a bus driver? It wasn’t as if I was hiding behind the shelter, I was standing on the pavement, waving my hands above my head like a lunatic.

From now on, I will be taking the car as I do not want to use an unreliable service that is operated by psychopaths.

ly enough for the Odeon to break even on in a week, then no wonder they are thriving. If any customer had enough money to buy a Haagen-Dazs ice cream, I am certain the shockwave would be so great that it could move the FTSE 100 by a couple of points. That is why I will be sticking with Netflix in the future. Granted their movies aren’t as good as you get on the big screen, but I am prepared to sit through an evening of Bingo: The Superhero Dog Part III if it means I can afford to put food on the table for my family.

I

C

In my own experience, there is clearly an unwritten rule amongst the bus driving community that allows them to choose what time they arrive and what bus stops they decide to stop at. What I have found is that those scheduled bus timetables are merely a lure to entice you out of your nice warm house, to make you stand in the freezing cold and pissing rain, to wait for a bus that is 45 minutes late in arriving. Even then, when you think you have achieved salvation, don’t be surprised if the bus drives straight past you.

recent bus journey as, being new to the area, she had failed to appreciate that there was an earlier bus stop than the one she intended to get off at. Realising her mistake, she apologised profusely to the driver ,only for him to turn around and bark at her, “Don’t press the button if you’re not getting off. It’s not a toy, you know.” Clearly this man has some kind of anger issues and the way he spoke to my wife, a paying customer let’s not forget, was totally unacceptable.

H

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ONLY JOKING! VASECTOMY

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.

When he wakes up he is surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and nurses and nervously asks, “Is there a problem?”

The head surgeon gently says, “I’m afraid so.

We got your notes mixed up and we’ve given you a sex change op instead.”

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies, “Does that mean I’ll never experience another erection?”

The surgeon pauses for a moment to consider the question, before answering, “Will if you do, it won’t be your own.”

KINDA CUTE I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this fat, ugly woman came up behind me, squeezed my bum and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta ’phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen."

I said, "Great. Then you’d better get back in it before the farmer sees you’re out."

Cost me a couple stitches, but hell, it was worth it just to see the look on her face.

HALF DECENT I was talking to a lady in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd probably look half decent."

I said, "If I did all that, I'd be over there talking to your friends instead of you."

THREE-MAN TEAM Two Western Isle Brits were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill it right in again.

They worked up one side of the street, then

down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day long without a rest, one man digging a hole, the other man filling it back in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm very impressed by the effort you are putting into your work, but I simply don't get it. Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow up behind you and fill it back in again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks a bit odd because we're normally a three-man team.

Only today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

GOOD LEGS I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

"Good legs," I said to her.

She giggled and said, "Really? Do you think so?"

I said, "Hell, yes. Most tables would have collapsed by now."

SCHOOL DRIVE A little five year old girl was usually driven to school in the mornings by her grandaddy, but one day he was feeling a bit crook, so her granny took her instead.

That night the little girl told her parents that the drive to school with granny was totally different to the one she usually encountered when her grandaddy was behind the wheel.

“How so, Precious?” asked her parents.

“Well,” she replied, “granny and I didn’t see one single tosser or blind bastard the entire trip.”

LITTLE SALLY Little Sally was digging a hole in her back garden when her neighbour peered over the fence and asked her what she was doing.

“I’m burying my pet budgie,” she said.

Her neighbour said, “It must have been a big budgie as you’re digging a fairly big hole?”

Little Sally replied, “It’s inside your cat.”

PRIZE EWE A Welsh farmer was busy having his way with his prize ewe when one of his sheepdogs came up behind him and started licking his ass.

Although it felt really, really good, the Welsh farmer got to thinking that sheepdogs are very dirty animals indeed.

TAKE TWO ESSEX GIRLS Two Essex girls were walking along on a hot sunny day. One of them said to the other, “Is that the sun up there in the sky, or is it still the moon?”

The other replied, “I don’t honestly know, Shazza. I don’t live around ’ere, remember?”

LEAD ACTOR The lead actor in a local pantomime production of Aladdin was sexually abused by the genie from the lamp on stage last night.

To be fair, the audience did try to warn him.

FEMINIST RESEARCHER A feminist researcher stopped a man in the street in Basildon to ask him how he viewed lesbian relationships.

“In HD if at all possible,” he replied.

TAKE TWO CHECKOUT GIRLS Two girls are on the tills in Asda. One says to the other, "Look at all these sad blokes shopping in here, ’Chelle. I can always tell if they're married or single. you know."

Michelle says, "How comes, Trace?"

"Watch this," says Michelle, as a young fella approaches her till with two tomatoes, four mushrooms and a tin of Baked Beans.

Tracey says, "’Ere mate, you're single, ain't cha?"

The fella blushes and replies, "Yes, I am, as a matter of fact. How did you know?"

Trace says, "Cos you're ugly as pigshit."

WETTER & WETTER As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter and wetter.

So I took it back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

‘Tut, I'm going to need a new boat,’ I absentmindedly thought to myself.

TAKE TWO ESSEX BLOKES Two blokes are walking along a jungle track in Africa and see a huge crocodile ahead of them.

As the Croc opens it's mouth, they incredibly see a man's head sticking out of it.

One of the men says, "Look at that flash bastard. He's only got a Lacoste sleeping bag."

RUSSIAN DOLLS Question: What’s social about Social Media?

I hate Russian Dolls.

They’re so damn full of themselves.

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 244_The Edge 172.qxd 24/01/2017 14:52 Page 23

Having a brew with

P

PAUL KELLY

aul Kelly is famous for not only appearing on this month’s Edge page three in caricature format, but also for producing perhaps the finest turkeys in the world - the inimitable Kelly Bronze.

“He’s a tasty turkey plucker and a turkey plucker’s son, who’s in the Guinness Book of Records for being the fastest plucking one!”

He’s also in the Guinness Book of Records for being both the quickest turkey plucker and the fastest turkey carver, while kitchen sexbomb Nigella Lawson reckons, “The Kelly Bronze is simply the best bird money

can buy as they’re reared well and that makes all the difference.”

Not bad for a Chelmsford lad, hey?

Meanwhile, The Guardian says, “The Kelly Bronze is the Rolls Royce amongst turkeys.”

Only you’d think all of the adulation and recognition would go to his head, wouldn’t you? But not a bit of it. Paul Kelly has always struck The Edge as a down to earth bloke with a right tasty bird of his own (“Alreet, Marissa!”) who can recite a borderline joke or two.

“Our turkeys taste so good because they are the product of the slowest farming methods in the world,” he tells me. “We don’t do all year round intensive commercial production with the consumer grabbing a frozen one from their local supermarket. Our turkeys cost more because they’re a labour of love that costs much more to produce. As far as I’m aware, there is no other turkey farmer in the world who farms from start to finish like we do. Literally from egg to oven. Just us.“ Jamie Oliver says that the Kelly Bronze is “the best of the best”, so who are we mere mortals to disagree, eh, readers?

For more gobble information, simply go to Kelly’s impressive website. But if you want to know just a little bit more about the main man himself, then The Edge can exclusively reveal that he’ll be celebrating 25 years of marriage later this year and that he likes nothing better than cooking a meal at home for both family and friends, all washed down with a bottle of Malbec or two. Hang on, better make that a couple of cases.

Only stray too far from turkey talk and he cannot help himself but return to his chosen subject. For instance, did you know that Kelly’s send 150,00 turkey chicks all over the world every week and that the local Christmas business they do once-a-year in Bicknacre, although Paul’s personal favourite, constitutes less than 1% of their overall business.

By Christ, Kelly’s even have a plant in Charlottesville, at the bottom of those blue ridge mountains of Virginia, in the good old US of A. Make no mistake, this boy’s definitely done good.

This picture always makes your editor smile and during the cold winter months, by god, do we need to smile every now and then... shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

paul kelly

edge editor

Page 23

The Edge 244_The Edge 172.qxd 24/01/2017 14:53 Page 24

The Edge’s Man in Thailand With a short respite looming from the daily grind, I recently decided on a trip to Hua Hin, a beach front town about 3 hours from Bangkok and where our very own editor is visiting on his next trip to Thailand. I’d been a couple of times in the past and always enjoyed its laid-back atmosphere. The first time I made the mistake of booking a hotel on the outskirts of town. This, as it turned out, was a big mistake. Hua Hin is a classic ‘strip town’, but I don’t mean of the naked variety. It barely stretches a kilometre inland from the sea, but it’s incredibly long, snaking its way along the coastline. The town centre itself is rather compact, so unless you want long, unpredictable journeys each day, both to and from its centre, it’s worth paying a few extra baht to be situated downtown.

To keep its rather upmarket appearance, you rarely see a traditional brightly coloured taxi.

Instead, locals rely on the ‘songtaews’, which are medium sized, flat-bed trucks with bench seating for customers out the back, and tuk-tuks.

The late King has a palace in Hua Hin, so the local government tries to keep the town befitting of His patronage. Some of you may know of the reputation of Pattaya, or perhaps may even have experienced its hedonistic charm. So to escape Bangkok, head either east (to Pattaya), or west (to Hua Hin), and the two places could not be more diametrically opposed. Hua Hin is far less intrusive and in-your-face, has far fewer hawkers and peddlers on its street corners who are forever trying to lure the tourist dollar. In this respect, Hua Hin is far more sedate and pretty much ideal for a relaxing on a quiet(ish) break. It is also very popular with retirees of European nationality. A recent survey listed it as one of the top 10 places in the world to retire, particularly for the standard of living tempered against the cost of living. However, each time I’ve been I have never ventured to sunbathe on the beach, or take a dip in its waters, simply because the sea has always been far too rough, whilst a stiff, somewhat fierce breeze often blowing straight inland.

This could be to do with the town’s location on the coast, facing Pattaya, across the Gulf of Thailand. The fact that there are several established kite-surfing schools along the beachfront I would guess suggests it is pretty much like this all year around.

Nevertheless, there are plenty of places to visit, although most are some distance out of town in the surrounding province. Tuk-Tuks have nice colourful displays of all the local ‘must-see’ attractions which cater for every taste, from Temples and Buddha, shopping malls and night markets, to boat trips and water theme parks. Options for travel include bartering a tuk-tuk for an entire day, or hiring a scooter or a car and discovering things for yourself. Having arrived in the late afternoon, my first evening was spent recharging the batteries and reacquainting myself with the night market. I was surprised by the lack of tourists and just how empty the place seemed, compared to previous visits. This time of year, considered the ‘high season’ of Thai tourism (due to the cooler temperatures of the ‘dry season’) and despite recent events over here, the Tourism Authority of Thailand (TAT) has gone to great lengths to reassure all those who rely on the trade for their livelihood that things couldn’t be better. According to TAT’s data, not only are annual numbers up,

but also the quality of tourist is improving, seeing fewer dreadlocked backpackers sharing a 50 Baht beer outside a 7-11. Instead, these days it’s all high-rollers from the Middle East and the Indian subcontinent, spending baht hand over fist. Unfortunately, the reality wasn’t matching the propaganda so far as I could see. Bars and restaurants were half empty whilst many tuk-tuks spent their evenings idling in the ranks, which is always a good indicator that there are very few customers to ferry around. Maybe I just turned up on an off week, although the forums and comments on social media seem to agree with my assessment.

Fully refreshed and ready for a day jam packed with activities, I awoke to find the weather akin to a winters weekend in Aberystwyth. Okay, I’m exaggerating, slightly, as it was still warm (a lowly 25*C, almost jumper weather over here), but very grey and overcast, with an almost British ‘mizzle’ in the air. Undeterred to find the rainy season on its last legs, I opted for a temple day. Wat Huay Mongkol is about a 30 minute tuk-tuk ride out of town.

En route the driver tried the old ‘let’s stop off here’ routine as we saw signs for a local elephant sanctuary. But as my break was in part to celebrate my birthday, and I was wearing brand new, box fresh white trainers, I certainly didn’t want to get them covered in pachyderm dung, thank you very much. The reason for the intended detour is simple; Temples don’t pay tuk-tuk driver’s to bring visitors, whereas most other ‘places of interest’, such as an elephant farm, probably do offer financial incentives to get ‘bums on seats’, so a firm “Mai Ao” (not want) was enough to keep us on the straight and narrow. The Wat (temple) is dominated by a very impressive statue of Luang Por Tuad (a highly-revered Buddhist monk). His image is everywhere in Thailand, such as on temples and even on people’s homes, as well as on the popular Thai Amulets which many Thai’s wear for good luck.

Unfortunately I didn’t explore the complex as much as I would have liked, mainly due to the weather, as it's often compulsory to walk in bare/socked feet.

Chopsticks Hill was my next stop, otherwise known as Wat Khao Takiap. At the southern periphery of Hua Hin, built on a large hilltop, it's only accessible by vehicle, unless you fancy an extended, sweat-drenched, uphill trek. The temple complex is also home to an awful lot of monkeys - they are literally everywhere. I was quite glad of the cooler weather by this stage, due to the ‘Kill Bill’ style ultra steep staircase climb. Although a major sightseeing attraction for the area, there were only two other family groups present at the time I was there, when you usually need to queue behind selfie-taking Chinese tour parties, to get a decent look at anything.

Hua Hin is also famous for its many seafood restaurants. With a fleet of fishing boats moored on the approach to Chopsticks Hill, I decided on checking out the night market in the town centre. Oversized Tiger Prawns and monster lobsters are cooked fresh on BBQs before your very eyes, which is just what the doctor ordered washed down with an ice cold beer or two.

EROTIC Fantasy

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The Edge 244_The Edge 172.qxd 24/01/2017 15:02 Page 25

MAKING A POINT

must turn east or west.

Here we go again. This month’s column is going to upset a lot of people, but hey-ho, that’s been the standard Modus Operandi since last year’s Brexit disaster, so why change a losing formula? However, this one is going to be more of a grumpy-old-git moan than the usual angry-man rant against stupid people.

Heading up one path are those of us that lead such boring lives we consider using three exclamation marks a year a bit excessive. Taking the other fork are those with a much more exciting existence. These are the people that deem a sentence - any sentence - without an exclamation mark bereft of meaning and it completely undersells whatever it is they are trying to communicate.

It’s not political opinion that is the subject of this month’s ire, it’s something altogether more anodyne. It was, though, a politician that brought this particular issue to the fore - the Orange Panda known as Trump.

Setting the USA’s future policy on something so complex and dangerous as nuclear weapons via 140 characters in a Tweet is probably not the way most people would do it. Nor would any previous POTUS decide that instigating a Twitter war with a beauty queen at 3:00am in the morning is a good use of such a powerful man’s time. But this is Trump, so all rules of normal diplomacy and simple common decency have been flushed down the tubes. Anyway, it’s not the fact that he’s addicted to Twitter that’s the subject for this month. Nor even is it the contents of his Tweets.

No, it’s the fact that no matter what the subject of each of his brain farts happens to be, every single one of them is ended with an exclamation mark.

OK, so that’s all very grumpy old git territory and there’s no denying there is a touch of fogeyism about people that are sticklers for correct grammar being used. Yes, guilty as charged, Your Honour.

Trump is only following what has become standard practice since the emergence of sites like Facebook.

The accepted norm seems to be that no message can be seen as a simple, boring, communication. No, the author must be seen to be existing on the cliff-edge of excitement. Every minute of every day is a wonder filled magical time because, well, aren’t they living just the most enviable and action packed life that anyone ever did? And it’s certainly a whole lot better than yours.

Accordingly ‘Let’s meet at 5:00pm’ has to become ‘Let’s meet at 5:00pm!’ To some people, even that last one looks a bit weak, so it becomes ‘Let’s meet at 5:00pm!!!’

Now, the exclamation mark is a perfectly fine piece of punctuation and when deployed in the manner intended it does its job extremely well. If you want to show the reader that something has caused you wide-eyed wonderment, then hell yeah, finish the sentence with an exclamation mark.

So we’re now into exclamation mark inflation. When something happens that would have warranted a perfectly valid exclamation mark in normal times, we get six or seven of the buggers just to make sure the point is made. ‘Guess who I bumped into today - Beyonce!!!!!!!!’

But at the end of a Tweet about nuclear weapons?

Some people might come to the conclusion that the author is a bit of a dick.

This appears to be one of those issues that takes us, inevitably, to a fork in the road. There is no middle path or third way. Every individual comes to this junction and

And obviously trying to hold back the tide of exclamation marks, King Canute like, is a hopeless task. A whinge in an insubstantial local magazine from an even more inconsequential old man is not going to change anything. But let’s just go back to the Trump example again. That compunction to insert an exclamation mark after every utterance, no matter how serious, does actually mark him out as uneducated. We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt this time and acknowledge he is probably doing it deliberately because it’s the way his brand of voters communicate. But are you using them with malice aforethought?

Or maybe you have slipped into using them more than is strictly necessary without really thinking about it, just because that’s what everyone else does? Remember the phrase from earlier - it makes the author look a bit of a dick.

Is your life really, honestly, so wonder filled and action packed that ‘let’s meet at 5:00pm!!!’ is valid?

Just asking.

You can contact Wardo at steveward2000@hotmail.com

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Page 25

The Edge 244_The Edge 172.qxd 24/01/2017 14:58 Page 26

UNSOCIAL MEDIA?

My girlfriend and I got the kids their own iPads for Christmas which, unsurprisingly, proved a big hit.

While we’re as guilty as anyone of sometimes using the iPad as a surrogate childminder, we don’t do it a lot and we’re pretty strict with them on when and how long they can use them.

In all honesty, I feel like a huge hypocrite after telling them they can’t use their iPads before bed and then, as soon as the coast is clear, sitting on the Playstation until 2.00am. Fortunately, this sense of guilt only lasts as long as it takes me to load up a game and shoot somebody though.

We all like playing computer games in our house and as much as I like my solitary night-owl sessions on the PS4, we do like to get games we can all play together and it really is a lot of fun when the four of us are going at it hammer and tongues, although if I play Lego Marvel or Harry Potter one more time, I think I’ll start bleeding out of my eyes.

It was fun for the first 10,000 hours While the youngest isn’t interested in his iPad past playing games, the eldest has just discovered the joys of instant messaging and Facetime with her friends. We’ve locked the iPads down so we know exactly what the kids can and can’t do and can check on what they’re up to whenever we like, so we’re not worried about anything, but as both kids are rapidly approaching that age when they’ll start getting interested in social media, it has caused us to think about when and how we want them to approach it.

Obviously the main culprit is Facebook, of which I’m not a huge fan. I probably check it once or twice a week (to see if I’ve missed anyone’s birthday) and that’s about it. When I checked it just before Christmas I saw Facebook had prepared one of those ‘year in review’ things for me, but as I never really posted anything, it was only about three seconds long and simoly said “Kingmeister who?”

I know this says more about me than it does about Facebook, or the more prolific users, but the more I see people sharing what seems to be every random thought or interaction they have had in a day, the less inclined I am to want to share anything. Maybe it’s a bit of information overload, or maybe it’s because I’m a miserable old git, but I’m just not interested in it anymore. Then again, it could be down to the fact that 95% of what’s posted is total banal nonsense.

Page 26

ME & MY adamantium skeleton

The Kingmeister reports I used to think it was a generational thing and that it was only the young ‘uns that constantly posted, Twittered and Instagram’d every five minutes, but I no longer think that’s the case. At work, the young ‘uns of our first line support team sit directly behind me and while they’re all good kids and hard workers, they are physically incapable of shutting up for more than a single minute. I thought it was this endless stream of consciousness dialogue of the young that bled into the digital world, but it appears there are plenty of older people who seem unable to go for an entire day without posting several random titbits of information totally about themselves.

There are now a wealth of psychological studies on the effect of using social media and the results are a real mixed bag. After reading a cross section of these studies, I think the general consensus is that social media, in terms of emotional and psychological effects, can be good or bad, depending on how you use it. If your little face lights up when you see a ‘like’ appear on the latest bit of useless twaddle you posted, then you’re in danger of using social media as a tool to gain social approval and believing that it actually matters.

And if you’re spending an hour cropping the perfect Instagram photo, or crafting brilliantly executed ‘humblebrags’ on Facebook, then you’re using social media as a method of image promotion and

To be fair I’d rather be sitting on my backside drinking beer anyway

impression management and contributing to one of my biggest gripes with social media; namely that most of it is either fake or so highly edited as to be as good as fake.

Studies show that using social media as a social comparison tool engenders feelings of inadequacy, loneliness and ‘depressive symptoms’ in both children and adults.

Too many people are trying to compare their life away from social media, as in their real lives in the real world, to the highly edited and positively slanted lives that are displayed on Facebook and the like.

It’s important to remember that everything we’re seeing on social media, barring the usually embarrassing pictures of you taken by someone else when you were drunk, is a carefully cropped and positively edited version of real life events. Give me an hour with Photoshop and I could fill my Facebook feed with fairly convincing pictures of me riding on the back of a T-Rex while playing a flying-V guitar and kicking Hitler in his bollocks, or bollock if the songs are to be believed. Of course that would look brilliant, but it doesn’t make it real.

I think it’s an awful shame that not only are people getting so worked up about these spin-doctored slices of life on social media, but the fact that people feel they need to spend so much time manipulating their own self-image. Most of us have a regrettable streak of vanity and I think that social media is far too often used to promote what’s one of our less admirable traits. It’s bad enough that both men and women have unrealistic images foisted on them by the media, but now we’re even doing it to each other as well.

It’s not all bad though, as several studies also reported positive enforcement from social media and the trick with that appears to be to spend more time looking at your own profile rather than other peo-

ples. Many regular users reported feelings of self-affirmation after reviewing their profiles and seeing all the things they’d both done and achieved. These users also drew a clear distinction between the fact that it was ‘nice’ to receive a few likes every now and then, but it really wasn’t important.

That may seem like an obvious and simple distinction, but I think it’s a crucial one.

Maybe I’m genuinely turning into a curmudgeon these days, but to my mind social media and the internet in general are becoming increasingly boring. I never bother looking at the news via the internet now as it’s become far more important to be first with the news than be correct with the news, and this need to be the first one to break a story fact checking be damned - is even infecting the larger and supposedly more reputable news sources.

I can’t help feeling that if I don’t read the news, then I’m uninformed, butif I do read the news, then I’m misinformed.

Not all fake news is bad, mind you.

I think what really bothers me is the way that you’re expected both to have social media accounts and regularly check them to keep abreast of what’s going on.

Yes, it’s nice and easy to arrange social events via Facebook and the like, but surely we can still email or text people directly, can’t we?

Those two forms of contact haven’t become obsolete yet! And in extreme situations, it’s always possible to actually call people and talk to them. I know, it sounds crazy, but it works!

Being the contrary old misery-arse I am, the moment something is expected of me, I immediately don’t want to do it. So at the moment, everything about social media is pushing me away from it, and this might make me sound really old and boring, but I’m going to keep the kids away from it for as long as I can, without them becoming excluded.

That’s the real rub, I guess. It’s okay for me to decide to distance myself from the digital world, but do I have the right to decide that for someone else? This time two years ago I was about to board a ferry to Spain with just an old truck, a bag full of clothes and not a care in the world, yet here I am, in 2017, worrying about the effects of social media on the kids and realising my whole outlook on life is having to change.

Ah well, I’m sure there are a few Facebook groups I can join to get some advice… thekingpin@hotmail.co.uk The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 244_The Edge 172.qxd 24/01/2017 14:58 Page 27

Ko Tao, Thailand You readers have never let me down in the past, so please don’t start now.

Let’s just see whether any of you can help out The Edge Crew on our forthcoming trip to Thailand in March.

This is Ko Tao (above) and it’s probably a small enough island for us to figure it all out for ourselves over 3 or 4 days. Having said that, any tips and recommendations would be greatly appreciated. Oh, and can you take a (hired) scooter over there from the mainland on the ferry, or is it best to hire another one once you dock on Ko Tao? What I’d most appreciate your help with is our time spent in Hua Hin, which is approx. a couple of hours drive south of Bangkok. We’re going to be based there for the best part of a week and I’m wondering what places are worth visiting around Hua Hin, such as Cha-am, Phetchaburi, Hat Sam Phraya (you’ve just got to love their resort names) and Thap Sakae.

In fact, pretty much anywhere any of you could recommend down that entire coastline from Samut Songkhram to Chumphon. Anywhere south of Chumphon I think we’ll struggle to reach, being based in Hua Hin, but if there is somewhere that’s exceptional, please let me know as we could always venture there before or after our time on Ko Tao. I hate getting trips abroad wrong and I don’t even know if I’ve done the right thing by focusing on Hua Hin, so the more info you can supply me with, readers, the better. shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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The Edge 244_The Edge 172.qxd 24/01/2017 14:59 Page 28

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Forget about John Lennon.

There’s a slogan written across a bridge over the M25 as you’re returning to Chelmsford in a clockwise direction from Heathrow that simply says (although it’s getting a bit faded these days) ‘Give Peas a Chance’ and Bizarre News absolutely loves it.

Because let’s face it, the humble pod filled with little green balls is surely one of the most underestimated vegetable packages there has ever been, knocking both runner beans and broad beans into a cocked hat (although it’s an awful long time since I’ve tasted any broad beans, it has to be said).

Peas are the business when served with steak and chips and when you’re sawing through an extra tough piece of meat and you finally get through it and send a whole load of peas scattering for 12ft in all directions, that is the mark of a quality vegetable, is that. In so far as they can then be easily squashed into the carpet.

CHICKENS ARE SEX FIENDS You may not have ever suspected this as you are tucking into your Sunday roast, but chickens are far more intelligent than perhaps we’ve ever thought and use their grey matter to make complete and utter cocks of themselves.

For instance, cockrels have been found to pretend to have found food, before putting out a call to other chickens to say that dinner’s up. Only when the unsuspecting hens turn up expecting a candlelit dinner, they soon discover that there’s a whole different sort of laying on the agenda to that which they’ve habitually become accustomed to.

An animal behaviour expert and staunch animals rights activist has commented to The Edge that, “Deception is an example of possible Machiavellian intelligence in chickens,” she says. “Once the food call has been made and the chicks lured, engagement may then be sought. Sex trickery, in other words.”

Cluckington cluckery, fancy a rooster being a love rat?

Sex trickery indeed.

Page 28

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 244_The Edge 172.qxd 24/01/2017 15:00 Page 29

MOTCO

Man on the Clapham Omnibus

TALENTLESS

SHOWS

You often hear the remark delivered in sarcastic or narky tones after some kind of a non-event: “Oh that’s five minutes of my life I won’t be getting back.” This, of course, you NEVER hear when you see somebody reading a copy of THE EDGE....but back to the rant. If people are aggravated by losing five minutes of their life, then how do they feel about four-and-halfhours (or 270 minutes) worth every weekend? Yup, that’s how long you could have donated to old father time every Saturday and Sunday evening simply by watching ‘talent’ shows alone.

There are two variants in play here; the Joe Public and the ‘celebrity’ versions. Whereas the Joe Public type is true to its word, the celebrity version should be had-up on the Trade Descriptions Act. The first will doubtless be some pasty faced adolescent who simply cannot face up to a lifetime of drudgery in the workplace, a bit like the rest of us, and whose mum has said “Yerz should get on the tele, luv.” So at some stage, against the backdrop of some musak that is even more sugary than a bottle of Ironbrew or Lucozade, they will say through trembling lips into camera, “I really want this. I have dreamed about this all my life.” Only that is not a qualification in itself, is it?. But then, of course, there is the deceit of the back-story. Do the producers understand that we already know they’ll be going through to the next round because we are seeing some weepy film about Gerald, their arthritic hamster, and how the rodent was promised a new power-assisted wheel if ever they made it to the big-time.

Then, of course, we have the ‘celebrity’ talent shows where the so called celeb is taken out of their supposed comfort zone in order to do something else in an alleged competition. I persist in using inverted commas for ‘celebrity’ as the furthest reaches of the talent agency price bracket has surely been explored in attracting some of these people. A typical example being a cretin from TOWIE, who is now an affordable ’celebrity’ because of their ability to parade up and down Brentwood High Street, gobbing off about being outraged over something or other that’s totally inconsequential, yet never mentioning their own failings on other reality shows.

Dance, Dance, and a bit more Dance is a prime example recently. Who the hell are these people? Even though they all somehow ‘smashed it’ when

asked to perform for their £500 plus sandwich lunch. And as for The Voice with Tom Jones gurning into camera and his sidekick Will.i.Heck...

As well as Joe Public getting a real chance to make it big, there are also shows that allow the richest members of showbiz to get even richer still at license payers’ expense. Gary Barlow being the latest example; far too tight to pay for auditions for his latest money spinning musical, so we viewers get the privilege on Saturday nights instead. The premise of Gal’s latest ‘original’ idea is about a boy band on tour. Okay, so eye-candy for teenagers who can possibly sing. But here’s the rub. I am forced to watch this nonsense and a week or so back he had a great guy who was obviously not a teenager, but had a great voice. End of clip and Gary says, “Yup, you can sing, but you are not what we are looking for in the context of the show.”

No shit, Gazza. He was no young shaver whose face stang something rotten when he put his Kuros on, but a hairy-arsed bricklayer from Sheerness with a fair few beer miles on the clock. So why was he there in the first place? The next guy, a young dude, had a voice that was commercial and really rather good. All the panel rave. Then Mr Contestant announces he is the lead in Thriller, the Michael Jackson musical in the West End, and he is already performing in twelve shows a week. Once again, why was he there, apart from the fact (as always) that his whole life had been leading up to this one moment and it means ‘absolutely everything’ to him.

Those that know Motty will know he is balding, carries the effects of a good living around with him in tight jeans and bad shirts, has an opinion and writes the odd article along the way. So this won’t count for much unless there are any auditions to be the next Jeremy Clarkson in ‘Britain Needs a New Gobshite Cock Factor’ where a man in a hat can be seen weeping into camera saying, “My whole life has been building up to blowing up a caravan.”

Yours aye, Rant over.

5km Fun Run Maldon Promenade Park Sunday 9th April 2017 Register today at www.farleighhospice.org/bubble It is because y you ou car care e tha thatt we we can www .farleighhospice.org www.farleighhospice.org Registered charity no 284670 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Page 29

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changing and then they’ll be in for a huff and a puff like Harry Enfield’s ‘Kevin the Teenager’.

Surely it’s exhausting dating an infant, not to mention all the subterfuge of hiding your passport and never daring to mention a time before the Internet, NetFlix, Pokemon and all you can eat popcorn.

Sure, the older man may seem boring, but give me boring over grateful every single day of the week.

METRO BANK

TOTALLY TRACIE GET A TOYBOY?

Age catches up with us all and since time began, women have been trying to cheat the aging process in all manner of ways. The latest trend to (try to) stay young is to ‘Get a Toyboy’. Everyone’s at it. Madonna, who never does anything by halves, has one who is 32 years her junior. Wendi Deng has one, and he’s 26 years younger than she is.

And what about Mariah Carey who chose one a mere 16 years younger.

And let’s not even go there where Cheryl Tweedy/ Cole/Fernandez is concerned, as she is currently dating a mere toddler in One Direction’s Liam.

Good Lord, even Michelle Fowler (EastEnders) has reappeared as a teacher after her liaison with the much older Dirty Den, only to reveal she is caught up in a relationship with one of her pupils. Talk about full circle, Michelle.

Literally everyone is at it!

The best bit of advice I was ever given was by my Nan, who told me that anything over a 10 year age gap would never work, no matter how well preserved you are and how much Oil of Ulay you slap on each day.

Is it empowering and an ego boost that a much younger man might find us attractive? It shouldn’t be, because we’d be in for a right old rollercoaster ride, bumping over a minefield of acne (his) and liver spots (ours).

Whilst we totter around in our Prada shoes and our outfits from Zara, the younger chap will doubtless trail behind us in his giant toddler outfit of outsize tracksuit bottoms, baseball cap and trainers.

But that's not all. Where a younger man is concerned, we would constantly be having to give him detailed instructions with the important bits underlined, not to mention diagrams, simply to get him to undertake any practical task. Because the much younger man has not only never changed a duvet cover, they are unaware that such things actually exist.

And imagine the jokes. “Come on, old lady,” he would jest. “Be careful you don't break your hip.” Such jokes, like the skin beneath our eyes, quickly wears thin.

You see, dear old (refurbished) Madonna and Heidi Klum (she recently ditched Seal for a man 13 years her junior) are simply banking on the excitement factor, until they need a plug Page 30

I’m a bit stuck in my ways, it has to be said. I hate change. But this week I honestly shocked myself. Having been with the same bank for 30 years, I found myself in the all new Metro Bank in Chelmsford by accident. I’d been saving my pennies for my holiday money for over a year and needed to change it into notes, only to find that commercial machines take 10%-15% and my building society would only change me a small amount. Then someone tipped me off that Metro Bank have a free machine. You simply tip all your coins in, it counts them, then gives you the cash, and what’s more, non-Metro customers can use it too.

So I tiptoed in and was met by the lovely Olivia. “I’m not one of your customers,” I timidly apologised, expecting to be shown the door. “No problem. Let me help you,” she replied. Fifteen minutes later I was happily walking out the door with my holiday money.

So impressed was I with Olivia's help and how professional she was that the very next day I decided to return and open up a new account. I was immediately greeted by the equally charming Jasmine, who was kindness itself and an avid Edge reader of many years standing. She opened me an account on the spot and what's more gave me a bank card right there and then that I could use for free abroad. None of this ‘your card is in the post’ business. They print your bank card and cheque book out immediately in the branch. Furthermore, they even give you a cup of tea or coffee and are an animal friendly bank that provides doggie treats too, as well as lollipops for the kids.

Their security is also second to none and they have the most amazing digital picture of Chelmsford High Street from yesteryear in store (see facing page).

Even though they have the most up to date technology, their bedrock is traditional old fashioned customer service.

Just as I was leaving, the Deputy Manager came over to shake my hand and thank me for opening an account.

Wow! I felt like a rock star.

So I’d sincerely like to thank Sue O'Brien and her team for introducing me to 21st Century Banking and back to a time when a bank really cares about its customers. So welcome to Chelmsford, Metro Bank, and all I can say to anyone reading this is why not pop in there for a chat as I’m sure you’ll be as shocked as I was at just how fantastic they are.

Open 7 days a week Monday to Friday 8am ’til 8pm, Saturday 8am ’til 6pm and Sunday (yes Sunday) 11am ’til 5pm. It’s definitely the way forward and as February is the month of love, I have to admit that I am totally in love with Metro Bank!

Tracie123@aol.com

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