The Edge Magazine April 2017

The Edge 246_The Edge 172.qxd 10/03/2017 14:55 Page 1

EDGE

the ISSUE NO: 246

‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

APRIL 2017

The Krokus

Simply inspired design...

www.lancejames.co.uk 3 Barrack Square, Chelmsford, CM2 0UU www.theedgemag.co.uk

Telephone 01245 348256

Mobile: 077 646 797 44

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Claremont Home & Garden Centre

INDOOR GARDEN

New Indoor and Tropical Plant House

Free Cream Tea with any purchase over £7

Freshly brewed Tea or Coffee and a fruit Scone served with Jam and Cream.

10am - 4pm daily.

OVER A 1,000 ROSES NOW IN STOCK! Over 50 different varieties from

£5.99

FRUIT AND ORNAMENTAL TREES 80 different varities and over 1,000 in stock.

Average height 9-10ft

From £22.95

2017 Pot Range now in Stock

Now Arrived...

With over 2,000 Terracotta, Fibre Clay, Ceramic and Plastic Pots.

The largest selection in Essex.

Our 2017 Silk Plant Collection

Tel: 01245 222643

Bryants Lane, Maldon Road, Woodham Mortimer, Maldon, Essex CM9 6TB Open Mon-Sat 9am - 6pm. Sun 9am - 5pm

The Edge 246_The Edge 172.qxd 13/03/2017 16:47 Page 3

OPEN 7am-5pm Sandwich Bar

Monday - Friday Finest Quality Food

Bagels . Grilled Baguettes . Salads . Soups Jacket Potatoes . Muffins . Hot Wraps Teacakes . Toast . Coffees . Herbal Teas Fresh food made to order 20 Market Road, Chelmsford, CM1 1XA. TEL: 01245 257 239

Check out Erdal of Timpson the cobblers and key cutters on New London Road, readers.

Come rain or shine, he’s always got a smile on his face.

For all caricatures, please contact Ben at benchurchett@aol.com Facecock: Monkey Circus Caricatures by Ben Churchett Instagram: MonkeyCircusCaricatures Twitter: @Benlofc

The Edge 077 646 797 44

K1 Kickboxing Class every Wednesday 8:00pm-9:30pm at Lions Boxing Gym Reeds Farm Estate, Roxwell Road, Writtle, Chelmsford, CM1 3RZ. Open to all abilities, beginners to advanced.

Great for fitness, self-confidence and self-defence.

07956 968860 Kinetickickboxing@gmail.com Kineticmartialarts.co.uk

Page 3

The Edge 246_The Edge 172.qxd 10/03/2017 14:55 Page 4

DORIS THE STORM

FIFTY YEARS AGO

Remember Storm Doris on Thursday 23rd February? The QEII Bridge was closed and word quickly got around that they couldn’t do any filming of Coronation Street on that particular day. Which made me chortle.

Fifty years ago a court in Brighton was the first in England to decide a case by majority verdict (10 to 2) of the jury.

(See more on page 20...)

STALE AIR I heard a lad comment to his girlfriend that someone had clearly “dropped their guts� on the upper tier of T.K.Maxx the other Saturday.

Trouble is, I’ve now reached the age where I honestly can’t recall whether it was me?

GABBY LOGAN A good 30 years out of date as a TV presenter.

The Edge Editor’s Column TRENDY Apparently it’s trendy not to eat bread these days and many people seem as though they are cutting out the carbs.

So what are you supposed to put either side of a burger then, if you’re not slipping it into a roll/bun, or between two slices of bread?

I heard some fitness guru on the radio recommending replacing bread with leafs of lettuce.

Surely there’s only so much of this bollocks that politeness decrees we stand for?

ARMPITS Try sniffing your armpits the moment you wake up the morning after you’ve had a curry the night before.

It’s uncanny, but they smell exactly like the previous night’s chicken rogan rosh.

I’ve tried it where beans on toast, paella and a shepherd’s pie are all concerned, but neither cuts the mustard quite like a curry.

Make sure you get your nose right in there.

WEASEL Unlike Billy Hinkleberry (see page 21), I made no effort whatsoever to try and get tickets to see the diminutive ginger weasel (now with his tats, because everyone else has got ’em, right?) that is Ed Sheeran. For starters, there’s the hassle and the cost of getting there. Then there’s all the queuing for the overpriced drinks. Not to mention the fact that you’re surrounded by the great unwashed the entire time.

ESSEX HIGHWAYS ÂŁ15m REASSESSMENT PROJECT Surely such money would be far better spent digging a tunnel beneath the Army & Navy roundabout so that Chelmsford’s traffic congestion benefits from a 21st century underpass linking Princes Road and Chelmer Road, or Essex Yeomanry Way with Parkway?

THE OLDIE Do any Edge readers also read The Oldie?

Let’s be hearing from you.

Which one’s best: us or them?

HUA HIN If you pick up a copy of this month’s mag, it means I have safely returned from two weeks in Hua (apparently pronounced Wha) Hin. It also means I will be even more miserable than usual, as Chelmsford hardly compares, John Lewis store or not.

SEAT RESERVATIONS There’s 4 of us going to Thailand and in order to sit together we were quoted £180 (£45 each) on top of our flight tickets - and that’s each way.

Needless to say, we will doubtless be parked up next to the likes of Percy Sprogett, Elma Pons and anyone else Eva Air care to put us next to.

QUOTE ME HAPPY I have a 4 metre square area of cobbles at the bottom of ‘Edge Towers’ garden, in order to remind me of home (you know, the streets of Coronation Street, et al).

Anyway, is it called pointing - where you recement the grooved bits between aid cobbles?

Whatever it’s called, it definitely needs redoing, only I am no good at that sort of malarkey at all.

So I’m wondering, are there any readers and/or would be ‘odd job men’ (or even women, as you’ve got to be politically correct these days, haven’t you?) out there who would be willing to quote me happy for undertaking the task?

I reckon it’ll be a bugger of a job in a ‘bore me rigid’ kind of sense, but like I say, it’s something I need doing. Telephone number below....

THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 7 97 44 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 246_The Edge 172.qxd 13/03/2017 16:55 Page 5

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How ! ! about that? ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !

It’s certainly ! cheap! advertising ! ! !! !for! the !manufac! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! turer concerned, who must be absolutely lap! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ping it !up !! !! there ! ! ! goes ! ! one!”). ! (“Look, ! ! another ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !

It’s! !a fact ! the! older ! ! !you !! ! !that !! get, ! ! the less ! !you ! ! ! to let everyone ! ! ! know where ! feel !the! need else ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! your clobber. ! ! ! ! ! you ! !bought ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! !!!! !! ! ! are seemingly !

Fact!is! though, many people ! ! ! ! ! !! !! well ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! up for!!!letting everyone else know exactly where ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! !!!! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! they theirs from. ! ! bought !! !! !!! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !!! !! ! !!! !

So let’s we. !! ! !! take ! !! ! as ! ! example, ! ! ! ! ! !!shall ! ! ! !Superdry !! an ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!taken ! !!!a! suit ! ! ! dry Supposing ! !!!clean! ! ! ! ! !! !!! you’ve !! ! !! ! ! to! !be !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! cleaners ! ! ! ! ed,! !only ! ! not ! ! ! dry ! ! ! !!!! ! in !question ! ! ! ! ! ! have ! !! !!the !! !! ! ! pressed ! ! ! !! only ! cleaned ! ! ! ! ! ! !it,!! but! of!!the!! !rear!!!right! ! ! ! ! !!and ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! shoulder-blade, on ! ! !!! ! ! ! they’ve ! ! ! and ! ! a ! !!! gone ! ! sewn ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! that ! ! ! ! ! !!! their rectangular !!! ! !! !! ! ! !patch ! ! ! !! ! !! !!advertises ! ! !! ! business !! ! !! ! ! Dry ! !! ! ! or!! whatever, ! ! ! a colour!

(Blogg’s ! ! ! !! ! Cleaners, ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! !! !! !in ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!snazzy ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ful, typeface). ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !painstakingly !! !said So why !! !! !!would !!! ! ! !! you !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !!cut !! then ! ! ! ! !off!!!before ! ! !! !!!! !!wearing label ! !! ! suit !!! ! to ! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! said ! !!work? ! !

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Dry Cleaners Label? ! ! !

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! ! !£250k Zagger!!donate ! ! ! ! !stock ! ! !! ! ! ! worth ! ! of old !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! to!! Cancer UK !! ! ! ! Research ! ! !

! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !of Which !!! !isn’t ! !!it? ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ’em, ! ! ! ! is nice ! independent !! ! ! fashionistas ! ! !

Yes,!!local ! ! !! !!! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !Zagger ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !certainly ! ! ! ! !to !do ! !

Fashion ! ! !! !Group ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !like ! ! ! !their ! ! for !! ! ! bit charity, !! ! ! !making !! !! a! generous ! ! ! ! donation ! !! ! to ! !! such Cancer ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! !!! !!!!UK. ! ! !!! ! !!!! Research Zagger ! ! !! ! !! ! !! Paul ! !!! ! ! !manager ! ! Dafforn ! ! ! !! ! !contacted !! !! ! !! ! !the CRUK !!! ! with ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! !team ! !donations !! !! !the!! offer ! ! of !the retailer’s ! although ! ! I! do !! !!and ! ! ! ! stock, ! ! ! !!! !old ! unwanted rather! wish !! ! Edge ! ! ! as! I’d ! !!! !contacted ! ! !! ! ! ! The ! !! !! first, ! !! !!! he’d have been up for a rummage. ! ! ! !! well ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! !! !

“We ! ! had !!!! !accumulated ! ! !stock ! ! ! over ! ! !! ! a ! !quantity ! ! ! of the years and there comes a point when ! ! ! ! ! it! has ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! run!! its! course and ! !! ! !longer has ! a retail ! value,” ! ! !! no ! ! ! says! !Paul. ! !! !“So ! ! ! CRUK ! ! ! to ensure ! ! that, ! ! !I! contacted ! ! than ! ! !end ! !up ! in landfill, ! ! ! ! !our ! to !! ! stock rather !! ! !we put ! ! !! ! !! a ! ! ! ! ! good! use !and!! give worthy charity the opportu! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! some ! ! !! money ! research ! !into !a disnity to raise ! ! ! for ! ! ! ! !! so !many ! ! people ! ! ! ! every ! !! !single ! ! affects ease !that !! ! three ! ! !! years ! I! !lost ! ! ! my!!!mother ! ! ! ! to!cancer ! ! ago day. !! !!support ! ! saves ! ! ! has ! to be of ! !any ! ! ! that and lives ! ! !business ! ! very ! ! seriously ! our retail ! value. We! !take !! re-distrib! seemed and !!this !! ! ! !!to! be! the ! ! best!!! way to ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!cause.” ! !! ! a !worthwhile ute! our ! oldest !! ! stock ! for ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Paul ! !Dafforn is seen here with Paul Rust from !! ! ! !!Research ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !!! Team. ! !Cancer !! !! ! ! the Donations ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! !!! !! !!! !! ! !!! !! !!!! !! !! ! !!! !! !! ! ! !! !!!! !! ! ! !! ! !!! !! ! !! !! !! ! ! !! ! !! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! !!! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! !!! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !!! ! ! !!! !! !! !!! !! ! !! ! ! !!! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !!! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !!!! ! ! ! ! !!! !!! !!!!! ! !!! ! !! ! !! !! !! !! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! !! !! !! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!!!! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !

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The Edge 246_The Edge 172.qxd 10/03/2017 14:55 Page 6

Stephen Alexander Hairdressing

WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE...

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Not available in conjunction with any other offer.

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“HOLY HAMSTERS, BATMAN!”

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I honestly couldn’t believe my eyes when I got stuck in traffic outside our local Kwik Fit depot in New London Road the other day, readers.

I mean, what if hamsters as big as a Smart car really existed?

Clearly my first question was, “What’s this all about?”

Thing is, they told me, but to be honest, I’m still none the wiser (something about a little girl getting her pet hamster stuck in the engine compartment of her parent’s car - well, it wouldn’t have been her car, would it?).

But what I do know is that what you see is exclusive to Chelmsford and definitely no other Kwik Fit branches anywhere in the UK have rodents as big as ours, which appeals to The Edge.

TBH I would have actually preferred it if there was no reason whatsoever for Kwik Fit having a hamster of this particular size on their premises. If I’d asked ’em: “Why have you got such a large hamster in your window?” and they’d simply replied, “Why not?” I’d have loved that.

Stuff like oversized hamsters is surely good for the soul.

We need more of this kind for thing in Chelmsford.

Specific stuff that makes you go WTF? Having said that, I’ve just uttered those three letters/words once again, and trust me on this, readers, you will too if you type in world’s biggest hamsters into Google.

By Christ, it’s crazy. There’s a woman holding one on a lead that I doubt she could stop if it decided to take off, and another lady with one on her lap the size of a bulldog.

Meanwhile, the size of the hamster droppings in KwikFit are humongous.

25 Duke Street, Chelmsford CM1 1TB

Call us today or visit us in store for details!

Prices inclusive of VAT

subject to terms & conditions

DOORS - DOORS - DOORS ‘Cheerful Bob’ & Bros. inc. ‘Serious Chris’ & ‘Forgetful Dave’ - all ‘Alive & Fitting’!

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We provide reliable and cost effective leaflet, booklet, menu and magazine door drop distribution.

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We cover Chelmsford and the surounding area, plus SS, RM and IG postcodes.

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10% discount on your very first order when you mention The EDGE! Vacancies in your area - apply today on the Distribute4u website www.distribute4u.info Telephone: 0795 723 6299 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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Stainless Steel Lounge

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Visit in store for expert advice, exclusive offers and promotions.

Westminster Outdoor Living, 66-72 Springfield Road, Chelmsford, Essex. CM2 6JY. Tel: 01245 494600 Email: chelms@westminsterfurniture.co.uk.

Open 7 days a week and FREE on site customer parking , follow yellow route from Springfield Road as shown on map below.

WWW.WESTMINSTEROUTDOORLIVING.COM

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Outdoor Living

The Edge 246_The Edge 172.qxd 10/03/2017 14:56 Page 8

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Black Ink Plans/CAD

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Prices inclusive of VAT

subject to terms & conditions

! ! !! !! !! !! !! ! !! !

!! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !!! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! !!! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! " !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !! ! ! ! !!! !! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! !! !! ! I !am! adversely Do I! feel as though ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! affected by! winter? ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! ! !!! ! hate ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Damn right I do.

I absolutely winter. ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! !! ! ! !! !! ! !!! ! !!

But let’s just consider the so called seasons ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! for ! ! ! ! !shall ! ! we? !! ! ! ! !! ! ! a moment, ! ! Spring ! !! !! on! 1st March ! ! !

To say starts is a ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !god ! ! bleedin’ ! ! ! ! ! ! such damn ! !!! !!thing. !! ! ! ! ! joke. ! ! ! It! does ! !! no !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! !!November, Winter ! ! ! ! ! ! December, ! !! ! !! is! DEFINITELY ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! February ! !!

January, is ! and ! ! ! !March. ! ! ! ! ! !! Spring ! April ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !summer ! ! July ! ! ! !! ! !While ! !!! ! is! ! June, ! !!! ! and ! ! ! May. (barely) ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! August ! ! ! ! lucky). !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! (if! we’re !! !! ! and Leaving ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! and ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! as ! ! ! ! And ! ! Autumn. !

September ! !! ! ! October !!! !! !! !!! ! ! !! !! ! that ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! is bloody HOW is that....and ! !! !! !well ! !!! ! IT!!IS, ! !! ! ! ! !! that’s ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

The! Edge ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! being !! !! ! !!generous/lenient. !it, summer ! ! is !a period !! !

Because let’s face ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! of ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! fulfillment, ! ! ! ! !! happiness ! and ! !beauty, ! ! ! !! fruition, ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !!! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! winter whereas !! ! !is! !a !time !! characterised ! ! by!! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! the ! !plague, ! coldness, barrenness, ! ! ! !! ! !misery, ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! and ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! !!Death. untold !! !! corpses !! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! Black ! ! ! ! ! APRIL! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

THANK GOD ! ! IT’S ! ! ! NOW ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! single !! ! you ! !! yourself ! ! ! year !! !have !!! to ! !brace ! !!

Every ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! for !January, and March. The! week !! ! February ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! !!! !! ! !! ! !!!! ! ! ! ! ! !Christmas ! ! !!! !! ! ! !Day after is ever so ! ! ! like !!walking ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! miserably ! ! gallows. ! slowly !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !to !the ! ! ! ! ! !and ! ! ! ! ! !a myth. ! ! ! !

S.A.D. is real. ! !! S.A.D ! is! not ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !

Cold trees. !!! !!bones. ! !! !! Barren ! ! ! !The ! colour of grey ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! Wind ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !that every-stinking-where. ! !cuts ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! through ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! you! like a knife through butter.

And it’s black, ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! !! be ! !!! ! black ! !! !can !! ! 4:00pm ! !! ! black, !! ! as ! ! ! !!from !!!! ! ! !! to ! !! ! !!!Sixteen !! ! the !

8:00am. !!! ! ! ! !hours ! ! !! ! ! of ! !stuff. ! ! ! ! basking ! !! ! right !! real. ! ! ! !S.A.D. !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! !

Damn ! ! is !! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! to affect ! women ! more ! ! it !

It also! !seems than ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !men. ! ! ladies ! ! of ! Chelmsford, ! ! ! have does So you ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! !!!! !! ! ! ! !! my! !heartfelt condolences (hey,! maybe I have ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! I ! far !too! many ! ! ! female !! ! ! hormones, !! ! ! !! because ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! hate,! loathe the! winter time). ! ! ! !! and ! despise ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !

What’s interesting is that some believe - and ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !! ! !!! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! !!!! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !!! !! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!!! ! !! ! ! !! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! !! ! !!! ! !! ! ! !!!! ! !!

!! ! !

!

!! !! !! !! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !!!! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! !!!!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!! !! ! ! !!!! !!! ! ! !! ! !!!! ! ! !!! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !!! ! !!! !!! !! !! ! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !!! !! ! !!! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !! !!!! !! !! !! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !!! !!! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! with this ! view! - !that! personally ! !!I’d concur ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !! far ! ! ! !relates S.A.D. more to !the lack of daylight ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ever it! does ! ! the !temperature. ! hours ! ! !!than ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! to ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! that !I can be ! !! !! ! ! ! ! Larry’ ! !

It’s a! !fact !! ! !!as ! ! ! ! ! ! !on ! ! ! !!! ‘as! happy ! ! ! ! !! a sunny ! ! ! !! day !despite ! ! !! the !! temperature ! ! ! ! !! ! !!freezing !! ! ! ! ! So to ! ! ! ! ! reamy Jackson’s ! ! !! ! ! off. ! ! ! ! !! !!me, ! ! it! stands ! ! ! ! to ! ! !! all ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! son !!that ! ! ! it’s ! !!about !! ! !the! ! greyness !! ! ! ! ! !and! dull! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 16 !hours !!! ! frickin’ ! ! ! !!darkness. ness! !and ! !those ! !! !of ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!

A lamp/light ! ! ! ! !my ! !arse. ! ! !! !is!!defi! ! ! !! ! ! therapy, ! ! There ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! can # ! ! !no !!lightbulb ! ! ! ! known ! !! to! man ! ! that !! ! nitely ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !!ye! olde ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ever!! replace ! ! !!! ! currant ! ! !bun. Period. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! can! apparently ! ! ! !! !with !! ! ! ! !

S.A.D. !! ! ! ! be ! treated ! ! ! certain ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! !!! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! ! !!! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!!! !! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!!! ! ! !!!!! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! !!! ! !!! ! !!!! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! medications that increase serotonin levels in ! ! !!!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! the brain. !! !!! ! !want ! Do! !you? !! !! ! !! !But ! !! I !don’t ! ! !! drugs. ! the ! !! ! ! ! during !!! !

I want where sun shines !! ! !to live ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!

January, ! ! March...that’s ! ! ! !!! ! !what ! ! ! ! !!! February ! ! ! ! ! ! ! and !! ! I ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !! !! well !! !!!want. blinkin’ ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !is!! !not ! ! !DEPRES! ! !!known S.A.D. ! ! !! ! as !! WINTER !! ! !! ! ! !!! ! ! nothing. !!! ! let ! !! ! ! !! !! April SION! !for !! ! us !embrace !!! !! ! ! So ! ! ! !following ! !! we have !! ! !! ! ! six !months ! !! ! ! ! before and! !the ! ! ! ! !! ! ! contend ! ! !! !! again. ! it! it! all !! over to ! ! ! ! ! !! with !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!include... ! ! !! ! !!! !! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! of !! S.A.D. Symptoms ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !low mood. !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !

- a! persistent Check. !! ! ! ! !!! ! !!! ! !! ! !! !! ! !!! !! ! ! ! !! !

- a loss of pleasure or interest. Check. !! ! ! ! ! !!!! ! !!! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !

- irritability. ! ! ! ! Check. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !!

- feeling ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! longer. ! ! ! ! Check. ! !! ! lethargic/sleeping ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! in its absence, ! ! ! ! (and !! sunshine - craving carbo!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! check, !check. ! !! ! ! ! ! bloody-hydrates? ! ! ! !! ! ! Check, !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !!! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! !!! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !!! !! !! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!!! !!! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!!! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! !!!! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !!! !! !! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !!! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !!! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! !!! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !!! !! ! ! !! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!

Three months of your life ruined every single year

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"#$!%&'$!()*+,!-+.*,/!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Page!!!8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The!! Edge 01245 348256!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"#$!%&'$!()*+,!-+.*,/!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Edge 246_The Edge 172.qxd 15/03/2017 17:35 Page 9

T

The Nesting Place - A perfect delivery every time

here’s always a certain amount of interest leading up to the opening of any new business in the area. The anticipation of how it will impact on the community is always a source of speculation and gossip.

However, the growing excitement surrounding the birth of Chelmsford’s only fertility, pregnancy and parenting centre, lovingly named ‘The Nesting Place’, is far beyond that of casual curiosity. It’s what can only be described as expectant excitement.

weeks, months and years after,” continues Steph. “With such an important and life changing responsibility, it’s easy to buy into advice from the media, relatives and other parents and start to worry about how they’re ever going to know what’s right for them and their child. The Nesting Place is all about plain talking and creating an atmosphere where prospective mums and dads can learn how to enjoy their journey into parenthood and beyond.”

“The Nesting Place has been my dream. It’s a physical hub for expectant parents to discover all they need to know about pregnancy and

Steph is an experienced fertility and birth consultant and accredited Wise Hippo hypnobirthing practitioner and hypnotherapist and has been supporting new mums and dads across Essex since 2010 with countless testimonials from satisfied clients to her credit.

So what makes the Nesting Place so very special?

“It’s a haven, built on a solid foundation of understanding and support, held together by unconditional love and a daily dose of happiness and joy,” is how owner and founder Steph Grainger describes the premises that has been her ambition for the past 4 years.

“These days, couples are bombarded with mixed messages about how to parent the right way, from conception to birth and the days,

The Nesting Place opened its doors for the very first time on Saturday 4th March 2017 and offers a regular programme of activity including: Fertility and Pregnancy Reflexology, Hypno-birthing classes, Baby Massage, Feeding support - both breast and bottle, supporting early parenthood, Pregnancy Relaxation during maternity leave for first time mothers, and also 2nd, 3rd & 4th time mums offering space to breath prior to the arrival of baby number ‘x’ and will also offer professional, friendly and supportive fertility treatment assistance.

Steph also has plans to include courses on: First Aid for infants and how to stay positive throughout fertility treatment, with many more ideas in the pipeline.

A mother of three boys herself, Steph adds,

parenthood in a safe, comfortable, non-judgmental, supportive environment. I know from my own experiences of talking to and coaching families over the past few years, just how much The Nesting Place is needed. As well as myself, I have a team of associates and expert consultants running classes on different elements ensuring that everyone who attends gets the proper advice and attention they deserve.”

The Nesting Place is located at Unit 2, The Old Coal Yard, Little Waltham Road, Chelmsford, CM1 7TG. www.thenestingplace.co.uk Facebook: @thenestingplaceessex Twitter: @Thenestplace The Nesting place is the place to go in Essex for all things Fertility, Pregnancy, Birth and early parenting related.

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Page 9

The Edge 246_The Edge 172.qxd 10/03/2017 14:56 Page 10

LAUREN’S

LOGIC

New Year. New Month. New Career.

Without wanting to sound too dramatic, I’ve been on the search for a new career path within the media industry for what seems longer than my whole three years of studying at university put together.

Nevertheless, every cloud has a silver lining.

After landing myself a job within the marketing sector of the industry, I am now a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

Major cringe, but everyone needs a daily dose of inspo, right?

Don’t get me wrong, starting a new job in a different town left me, naturally, with certain vital questions. For instance, how much is too much for lunch? Not wanting to look like the office Hoover, yet also not wanting to attempt to de-regulate continuous stomach grumbling.

Hmmmm.

I’ve now been a part of the team for just over a month and with my regular lunchtime trips to Tesco, I now know the exact location and price of the chocolate digestives.

Too much is never enough.

Britain Loves a Bargain Bargain. Definition: A product or service of which is a lower price than primarily advertised. Better described as a red/blue label that has the potential to turn the British public into a pack of wild animals.

Because who doesn’t like saving a tenner?

I am a self-confessed bargain hunter and boy, am I good at it.

Weekend retail therapy normally begins by treasuring a sale item of clothing and swanning around the shop with it for around 20 minutes, mentally listing reasons as to why I deserve another very similar, yet very different, pair of skinny jeans. Because if we’re honest, who needs additional reasons when the main one screams: “I’m in the sale! You need me! You know you do!”

The second form of a bargain is the unexpected one. The one in which we proceed to pay for a product, only to be informed at the till, “These jeans actually have 40% off the marked price, so they’re £48 instead of £80.”

Result! And suddenly, the world is a beautiful place again. No severely dented bank account and no fear of not being able to eat for a week.

Ker ching!

MUMMY TUMMY TO

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Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels? (HA!) I am very aware that the majority of my columns speak regularly about and around food, yet I am also aware that this month it is Easter.

Therefore, this section is no different.

Apologies.

Since I was in my teens I have always been an avid fashion consumer, especially in the form of fashion magazines. I could quite literally live off a diet of Cosmo mags purely because ‘I find it feeds me more’ than an Easter Egg ever could.

Thank you, Carrie Bradshaw, for the inspo, but who the hell am I kidding? Go on, pass me the chocolate.

Fashion Week and Easter are two very diverse yearly events which are placed so very close to each other. Not ideal for the self-esteem, I must admit.

Last month’s Fashion Week left us wanna-be-stylish-but-may-as-wellbe-bankrupt individuals feeling nothing but glum, glum, glum.

And, quite frankly, plump.

But what is the point of becoming a member of a local gym?

Because let’s face it, there is nothing more uplifting than walking down the ‘seasonal goods’ isle in our local supermarket and being surrounded by golden eggs.

Diet?

What’s one of those?

So, Fashion Week. You were great, but as I sit here eating my second Easter Egg of the day before 10.30am, who’s the real winner?

April Fools Oh, one last thing. To all you budding comedians out there, Happy April Fools Day! The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 246_The Edge 172.qxd 10/03/2017 15:16 Page 11

there’s a new coffee guru in town (city)...

The newest addition to Chelmsford Market is Kiosk Coffee, a distinctive unit within (on the far wall, near the bottom end) selling homemade cakes, sandwiches, paninis and, of course, “one of the best cups of coffee you can buy in Chelmsford,” says Eddie who runs the joint.

The house coffee blend consists of beans from Columbia and Brazil, but they’re roasted just a few miles away from town (city), ensuring customers always get a fresh, full flavoured cup.

Eddie takes great pride in his coffee and has received some terrific reviews from those who have visited Kiosk Coffee to date.

Just check out what these satisfied customers have to say....

“Wow! Amazing coffee. I do like good coffee, but this is not good. It’s great coffee.” '“Best coffee in Chelmsford, bar none.”

“Excellent. Makes such a change to insipid chains.”

“At long last Chelmsford has an independent coffee shop that can hold its own alongside the great Antipodean coffee reputation.”

So be sure to call in for a brew and a bite next time you're near the market and experience the taste of how a properly made coffee should taste.

Kiosk Coffee also sells bags of beans and ground coffee to take away and drink at home, as well as a selection of award winning speciality teas.

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Page 11

The Edge 246_The Edge 172.qxd 10/03/2017 15:49 Page 12

Roxanne

jÉÉwÄxçËá c|éétá

5pm-8pm

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olf Coaching

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Each programme, all delivered by PGA professionals, includes different coaching options and activities such as: • Free taster sessions available • One-to-one coaching • Bespoke coaching packages • Junior Golf multi-sports days • And much more!

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o far as The Edge is concerned, the greatest debut single of all time has to be Roxanne by The Police.

Sure, I’m biased, because I was 17 at the time, I’d passed my driving test at the first time of asking (just three months after my seventeenth birthday) and the world was most definitely my lobster. And then this song came out by some new three-piece band called The Police and I’d never heard anything quite like it before. But what I do remember is a bar in Spalding, Lincolnshire (it might have been Barbackers?) and a sea of heads bobbing up and down as some geezer by the name of Sting with an incredible voice started wailing a prostitute’s name over and over again. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Can you believe that it only ever reached number 12 in the charts? Yet it went on to become Police’s signature tune and personally, I think it sounds as raw, gritty and fresh today as it did almost 40 years ago (my god, that’s almost a frickin’ lifetime).

Sting (Gordon Sumner) wrote the song, inspired by the prostitutes he saw when he walked through the red light district of the French capital near the band’s seedy hotel in Paris whilst they were playing at The Nashville Club.

Remember the laughter at the very beginning? That must go down as one of the great ‘happy accidents’ in rock history. Sting sat down on a piano, thinking the lid was closed. The tape was rolling for his vocals and the sound the keys made as his ass hit the ivorys and his subsequent laughter was preserved on the track for posterity.

Roxanne was Police’s first major label release. Not to put too fine a point on it, up until then, they were going nowhere fast. A year earlier they had released a track called Fall Out on an independent label which was a total flop. Their aim, at the time, was simply not to be on the dole.

Despite penning the lyrics, Sting didn’t think it would be a hit, as it was far more brooding than the rest of their material. It was Miles Copeland, the brother of Police’s drummer Stuart, who convinced them it had potential, and it was he who got the band their first major deal with A&M Records, which was to be the beginning of a relationship that would span their entire career.

Guitarist Andy Summers says, “Roxanne is immediately identifiable by the guitar chords at the beginning.” He’s not wrong there. You hear it for but a couple of seconds and it is without doubt Roxanne. It is, without question, the unmistakable sound of The Police.

Roxanne was followed by Message In A Bottle and Walking On The Moon.

I loved them all (well, most of them), particularly Synchronicity II. Sting’s voice was so unorthodox and the resonance of the bass guitar. To me it was such a heady combination. As was a girl called Alison Butters, who I fell for at that time. The only problem was, she was married and the family she married into were rich. Her husband was called Kevin. Oh yeah, and he had a strange little moustache.

“People always tell me that Roxanne is a reggae song,” says Sting. “It’s not a f cking reggae song. It’s a tango.” * Whatever it is, I will love Roxanne forever.

www.stokebynayland.com/golf

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Page 12

THE POLICE The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 246_The Edge 172.qxd 13/03/2017 11:39 Page 13

Charlie & Steph I must confess, it took me a good old while to accept Charlie Stayt - yes, readers, he has got an unusual surname, hasn’t he? - as a deliverer of my Breakfast News first thing of a morning, Monday to Friday. But it has to be said, Charlie-Boy’s grown on me, mainly because of his attention to detail in the whistle dept. If you look very closely at some of his suits, off-the-peg they most certainly ain’t, and some of them contain some very understated, yet classic detailing.

However, his sometime sidekick, Steph McGovern, I really cannot take to.

Appreciate my very own northern twang is not to everyone’s tastes, and if truth be told, I’d rather be without it. But Ms McGovern’s thick geordie accent grates on me, as does her fringe and her oddly shaped head.

It matters not a jot to me that she’s an award winning broadcaster (apparently she is) with over 13 years financial journalism to her credit. The bottom-line is that she’s a Middlesborough lass made good and she’s not how I want the woes of the world presented to me at 07:30am. I mean, just look at her top (above)? It’s bloody hideous, is what it is.

Strange as it may seem, Steph is a former champion Irish dancer who still keeps her foot in, often attending international competitions where she has been known to help coach the participants.

So why doesn’t she deliver her news bulletins whilst clog-dancing then?

That’d make me (luke) warm to her a bit more, I’m (almost) certain.

EASTER WEEKENDER MAUNDY THURSDAY 1am 13th April “NO WORK FRIDAY”

to

BANK HOLIDAY EASTER SUNDAY 1am 16th April

www.baristachelmsford.com www.theedgemag.co.uk

Page 13

The Edge 246_The Edge 172.qxd 10/03/2017 15:50 Page 14

Chelmsford Borough Council’s low-cost dwellings...

I’m sure we’re all aware of our council introducA slight spanner in the works appears to be the Hang on....so the Council owns the land, only it ing some low-cost, eco-modular.... Well, they’re fact that planning permission needs to be has to approach itself before planning permistermed as homes, only they’re pretty much like obtained before any of these ‘pods’ can be sion can be approved? crates, or even shipping containers, with erected on council-owned land.

These containers cost around £40,000 and they windows, measuring 4m x 8m (13ft x are to become exclusively available 26ft) and they’re to be made available only for those people who have been to local folk who are on the housing declared homeless. waiting list who might otherwise be The problem, up until now, is that many homeless. homeless people have been spending CCC plans to erect as many as 40 of nights in our city’s B&B’s, which is far these modern day, fully-insulated preless than ideal. In short, it’s an expenfabs, inc. double-glazing, at two locasive short-term solution so far as us tions in our city and insists that the rents local taxpayers are concerned, The will be kept to a minimum.

Edge would suggest.

These homes/crates take just eight The containers are to be supplied by weeks to assemble inside a factory and North Weald based firm MAC Container only half-a-day to erect on site.

Company Ltd. and they can even be You could call it a radical solution to the stacked on top of each other. housing crisis.

Rob Saggs of our city’s homeless chariApparently, homelessness is in part an ty Chess, which helped find permanent Exterior: Bet there’s not as much room around them as this unfortunate byproduct of our city’s sucaccommodation for 45 of Chelmsford’s once they’re erected on site. cess, according to a Conservative counrough sleepers last year, has backed cillor. We are an affluent commuter our council’s new plans. “Homelessness satellite city of our capital, but with is a massive problem,” he says. “It is wealth has come high house prices and also something that continues to rents. For instance, a new-build twoincrease expotentially. So these new, bedroom home costs £325,000 whereas cost-effective plans have certainly got the average local salary is just my backing. £26,000pa.

“There will always be families and vulThe councillor says, “Chelmsford is a nerable adults who struggle. Some peoprosperous city for many, but for many ple can only fend for themselves for so others it is not. We have both a legal long and they inevitably need someand a moral duty to help those people where to turn when things go wrong. who are homeless.”

“Support is the key. It is a big deal.

Here, here.

That’s why these units, in my opinion, However, fulfilling that duty is deemed need to have manned staff who can as being far more difficult to achieve. help and support the occupants who It is hoped that 20 of these ‘homes’ will use them.”

Interior: Okay, so it’s basic, but it’s got a heluva lot more mod Rob’s right, it is a big deal. That’s why be in situ in Chelmsford by the autumn. cons than sleeping in a shop doorway.

Trouble is, twenty is a spit in the ocean.

The Edge wishes this project success.

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The Edge 077 646 797 44

MEDIGEST Colour key: CMYK = 69, 20, 0, 100 RGB = 0, 172, 255 HEX = #00ACFF

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Uniting the fundamental elements of the Private Health Sector in the United Kingdom Medigest is the unique and fresh consumer-focused information portal that covers all aspects of the Private Healthcare & Insurance industry.

DIRECTORY

REFERENCE

FORUMS

CAREERS

HELPING YOU FIND THE RIGHT SOLUTION

Tel: 0843 289 3181 www.medigest.uk Email: mail@medigest.uk | Kemp House, 152 City Road, London, EC1V 2NX

The Edge advert – 280mm x 192mm.indd 1

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Westminster Outdoor Living Spring 2017 With over 25 years experience, Westminster Outdoor Living has consistently provided ‘outdoor living products’ of undeniable quality and value.

They can provide all types of al fresco dining and lounge furniture to suit all tastes, from traditional teak hardwood to modern resin weave and Sunbrella fabric products.

New for 2017 are a number of fantastic ranges including the ‘jLondon’, which is a dining and deep seating resin weave product which offers excellent value for money, plus an outstanding new range of outdoor sofas and armchairs, including ‘Desert’, which is upholstered entirely using the incredible Sunbrella all weather fabric which can be left outside all year round. Yes, really!

Products from all W.O.L. collections are on display at the Springfield Road, Chelmsford showroom (opposite Tesco), plus Weber BBQ’s and accessories, as well as ultra attractive Kadai fire pits.

Popular product trends for 2017 Madison Stacking Armchairs & Madison Table.

This Aluminium garden table and chair set is fit to grace any patio. Made from powder coated aluminium and Textilene sling, it can be used in conjunction with an LED cantilever parasol. This garden

furniture set is one of the best selling items in the W.O.L. range. Garden furniture covers are also available for almost all Westminster products.

Valencia Deep Seating Rattan garden furniture is one of the mainstays of Westminster’s collection. The Valencia deep seating is one of the most popular items in their rattan outdoor collection. Made from a synthetic weave on an aluminium frame, it is supplied with quick drying foam and Sunbrella fabric cushions. Resembling classic cane furniture in appearance, the Valencia patio furniture can last outside for many years.

Seattle Stacking Armchairs & Table Metal garden furniture is increasingly popular and the stainless steel Seattle range adds a certain style and sophistication to any outdoor furniture collection. These garden chairs are made from box section stainless steel and Textilene sling and the Space outdoor furniture set can be used in conjunction with one of W.O.L.’s LED cantilever parasols and a choice of parasol bases.

Virtual Brochure Why not visit www.westminsteroutdoorliving.com and click on the link to access W.O.L.’s 2017 virtual brochure. There you will find images and information on their complete range of outdoor furniture and products. There’s everything you will ever need to make your outdoor space a true relaxation retreat.

Clearance Garden Furniture Trends in outdoor furniture change all the time.

W.O.L. are always looking to the future and introducing products that reflect changing ideas. This means that many items are superseded in design and those are available from their clearance site.

This is not cheap garden furniture - simply a garden furniture sale with great savings to be made on clearance items, whilst you are assured of exactly the same quality of product.

The Westminster Outdoor Living Showroom is open 7 days a week. 10am-6pm Monday - Saturday and 10am-4pm Sundays. Free parking is available to the rear of the store (off Wharf Road).

LUVIN’ VINYL

Intense Records in Chelmsford will be taking part once again in the massively popular National Record Store Day, celebrating its 10th birthday on Saturday 22nd April 2017. This is the one day that all of the independent record stores celebrate vinyl and invites music lovers to come and get their hands on special releases on offer exclusively for the day.

Jon from Intense says, “This is the busiest day of the year for us, so if you want to make sure you grab your favourite release, I would strongly advise you to get here early.” (See pic below of last year’s queue before Intense opened...it was crazy!)

This year’s list of hundreds of exclusive releases has been revealed and there really is something for everyone across many genres, from Hip Hop, Rock, Pop to Country, Dance and everything in between. Releases from Sia and Miley Cyrus will be enticing a younger generation of music fans, whilst The Kinks and Pink Floyd will help to rekindle the love of many long-time vinyl fans. Hip Hop fans will also be pleased to hear of releases from Busta Rhyme and Eminem, whilst Snoop Dogg features on Hollywood movie star Corey Feldman’s release.

Indie and Rock artists include Super Furry Animals, Hawkwind, Pearl Jam, Jimmy Page, Bruce Springsteen and Motorhead amongst many, many more.

Dance music fans can look forward to special releases from Soulwax & The Future Sound of London. Special novelty releases we have picked out this year include Dolly Parton’s ‘Puppy Love’ on 7” vinyl, ‘Run The Jewels’ Tote Bag, Thomas the Tank Engine LTD Blue 10” vinyl and the ‘Fawlty Towers‘ soundtrack on Picture Disc.

You can check out all these releases now at www.recordstoreday.co.uk and to make sure Intense are stocking your favourites, check out the new website www.intenserecords.com where you can register your interest and add releases to your very own wish list. Alternatively e-mail your list to enquiries@intenserecords.com Open from 9am-6pm Intense Records will be holding a special instore event with live DJs, local bands and special guest appearances, plus competitions, free giveaways, the intense gourmet BBQ, hot and cold refreshments and much, much more.

For those that can’t make it on the day, Intense will be opening up especially on Sunday 23rd April as well (from 10am-4pm). The exclusive releases will be available in store only for the following week, but any remaining stock will be made available online a week later, as of 29th April at www.intenserecords.com For more info pop into Intense Records, 33/34 Viaduct Road, Chelmsford CM1 1TS (under the arches by Chelmsford Bus Station). Alternatively call them on 01245 347372 or check out their website www.intenserecords.com

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Local company JLMedia were recently commission by Claudette Joseph, a clothes designer whom they have worked with on several previous occasions, to shoot her new collection. Claudette creates bespoke tailoring and specialises in classic pieces with a contemporary look for the cosmopolitan woman. This shoot was to showcase her brand new range of outfits that she has spent many months designing and making.

“Once we saw some of her designs, we knew straight away we had to find somewhere edgy (no pun intended) to shoot them in as they deserved an amazing backdrop,” says Jason Little. “Having been in the Bottle Bureau on the corner of New Street and Waterloo Lane on several occasions, sampling their incredible range of gins, I felt this could be the perfect venue. Fortunately, Juste of the Bottle Bureau was already an avid fan of my work on Instagram and was incredibly excited by the idea. So we agreed a date, I gathered my team together, and hey presto, here’s just one of the resulting snaps (left).

“Having been a professional photographer for around 10 years, specialising in fashion, hair and modeling portfolios, I have many creative people to contact dependent upon the project. This one was clearly set to be something special, so I had to call on some amazing individuals.

“Where the models were concerned, I wanted to strike a balance between youth and classical looks, as Claudette's style can suit a wide range of age groups. So I contacted Amber Tutton and Amelia Orvis, who has a fantastic androgynous look and was unbeknown to me due to fly off to model at Paris Fashion Week the following day, so I was lucky to bag them both.

“Next up I needed to choose the perfect make-up artist and hair stylists, so I approached the formidable Shonagh Scott of ShowMe Make-Up, who is somewhat of a You Tube sensation with over 375,000 subscribers. Shonagh is finding herself a little star struck these days as she often gets stopped for autographs whilst walking around town from people who watch her popular on-line tutorials, yet to say this girl is humble and down to earth is an understatement.

“Clare Clark of Silhouette du Barry specialises in wedding and session styling and was a perfect choice to create something with a classical twist, whilst she arranged to bring along Zoe Atterton to assist. Shonagh also brought along Justine Warwick.

“Not to be outdone, I asked Ryan Fisher, a good friend of mine, if he might be able to do some multiple Facebook live videos on our individual accounts.

“The reaction we are already receiving on social media sites such as Facebook and Instagram would indicate that we did a pretty good job, but I'll leave that for you readers to be the judge.”

More of the work can be seen on facebook.com/JLMedia along with Instagram @jlmediaphotography. You can also find out more of any of these creative individuals by simply googling their names.

Bartellas is located moments from the A12 between Chelmsford and Brentwood and majors on good food, professionally served in smart, intimate surroundings.

The restaurant is suitable for all the family and any occasion, Bartellas has something to tempt everyone; a range of sophisticated starters, mains and desserts as well as a selection of traditional favourites and regularly changing specials.

Opening hours Monday to Saturday Lunch 12 – 2.00pm Dinner 6 – 9.30pm Sunday Lunch 12 – 4pm

Get 20% off food at

Present this completed voucher on arrival to Terms and Conditions. Not valid on the get 20% off food only when you order two or Steak & fish or Prix Fixe Menu • Valid more courses from the Individually Priced menu Monday – Saturday lunch and dinner • Name -

with this voucher www.theedgemag.co.uk

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Not to be used in conjunction with any other discount or promotion • Valid in April / May / June 2017 • Maximum table size of 8 • Completed voucher must be presented on arrival

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It’s EASTER this month, KIDS!

A brief encounter with Hoxton

BUNNY’S GONNA GET YER!

Lengthy-Boy told me I’d fit in at Hoxton a treat as I have a bit of facial-growth and a man-bag. Fact is though, I don’t like going anywhere when it’s cold, and bloody cold it most certainly was on our Saturday morning trip up there with the Sadler-Frost’s young baby Alfie, who was as good as gold all day long.

There’s something called The Breakfast Club in Hoxton, but queuing to get in (and having to stand outside for the privilege?). Nope, I don’t think so.

Instead, we opted for a nice, spacious, round table inside Bill’s (yes, like we’ve now got in Chelmsford) at number 1 Hoxton Square, N1, instead.

If we’d researched things a bit more, we’d have discovered that Brick Lane is in the Hoxton/Shoreditch area and we could have had a Brick Lane Bagel, which is, apparently/undoubtedly, ‘the best salt beef bagel served in London’.

Or we could have visited the Queen of Hoxton on Curtain Road. (Or possibly we did and perhaps it was shut, due to the piss poor conditions?)

Another place we missed out on was Rough Trade, which is just a stone’s throw away from the Truman Brewery car-park, which is for music lovers and coffee lovers alike. But hey, would Alfie have appreciated it?

Or what about Columbia Road Flower Market? Nope, I don’t remember seeing that either, but it was ever so chilly (did I mention it was cold?).

Whereas Boxpark, on the other hand - supposedly a smaller, cooler Westfield - er, nope. I guess we must have overlooked that too. However, the famous Street Art of Shoreditch, yes, we saw a bit of that (not to mention the famous street litter - is that art too?). And we also visited Old Spitalfields Market, but that’s pretty much (bordering on) Liverpool Street station, in my eyes.

In fact, the highlight of my most freezing cold day out was probably bumping into a chap surprisingly called Steve Edge who describes himself as “a prophet, madman and wanderer”. He had the most wonderful, white ‘Twisted’ LandRover that he’d just had rigged out with sumptuous leather Recaro bucket seats from some place even colder than London oop North. He gave me a copy of a little pink (aye, aye) book that he’d published called ‘30 Things You Need To Know For Running A Successful Business’. Point No. 28 stresses: ‘Never be without a business card as you never know who you might bump into on the tube or at a dinner party.’ And guess what, readers?

Damn right. I didn’t have one on me.

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E

ver thought about taking up Martial Arts? Ever thought knowing a bit about self-defense might come in handy, but you’ve never known how to go about it? Omni Martial Arts run WingTjun Kung Fu classes in Chelmsford for everyone, regardless of age, ability, experience, fitness levels or previous martial arts experience. WingTjun Kung Fu will help improve your health, help you lose weight, help you develop self-confidence and teach you how to protect yourself.

Omni Martial Arts caters for men, women and children. It combines flexibility and mobility, fitness and fat burning, plus a portion of self-defense on the side as you punch, kick and practice some very handy Kung Fu moves in order to protect yourself. Classes are friendly, welcoming and fun.

Under the banner of the IWKA (Internal Wisdom Knowledge Association), Omni Martial Arts concentrates on preparing the student for today’s needs of realistic self-defense in the streets, with an emphasis on developing the student’s body, mind and energy to higher levels. The internal side of WingTjun has Tai Chi principles, which are beneficial for health, stress and well-being.

Separate Tai Chi classes will be introduced locally at a future date.

Omni Martial Arts is the first official school under the IWKA, led by Sifu Sergio. To find out more about WingTjun, go to SiFu Sergio’s YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/SifuSergioChannel Omni say: “Hey, we’re not the cheapest, but nor are we the most expensive.

Our fees break down to less than £8 per session, so give us a try!”

Venue: Chelmsford City Martial Arts, Unit 21-22 Waterhouse Business Centre, 2 Cromar Way, Chelmsford, CM1 2QE. http://www.omni-martialarts.co.uk/ Telephone: 07977 132 111 Classes: Mondays and Wednesdays

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CALL: 07977 132 111 VISIT: www.omni-martialarts.co.uk

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DAVID LEWIS MORTGAGE SERVICES Authorised and regulated by the Financial Conduct Authority. Reg No:300229

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50 YEARS AGO V.I.POO

Milton Keynes was formally designated as a ‘new town’.

The far-right National Front political party was founded

by South African born A.K. Chesterton

Rock legend Jimi Hendrix set his guitar on fire on stage for the very first time at the London Astoria.

Photofusion/REX

Strange as it may seem to many, Glasgow Celtic became the very first British football club to win the European Cup (now the Champions League) in 1967, beating Inter Milan in Lisbon, Portugal, in the final.

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The Abortion Act was passed in Parliament, legalising abortion.

Have you seen that amazing TV commercial for V.I.Poo, readers?

The Edge honestly thought it was obviously a pee-take when it first saw it. But no, V.I.Poo is 100% for real.

In short, it’s a proactive odour protection product. A pre-poo toilet spray, if you will, that traps bottom odours beneath the water before they have a chance to escape and make you die.

That’s right, readers, it keeps those horrible toilet pongs right down there beneath the U-bend so that if you do get caught short round at a friend’s house, well then, they’ll still be your friends when you leave, just so long as you have your V.I.Poo spray handy.

If you haven’t seen the commercial, then most definitely keep your eyes peeled. Some Hollywood D-lister says that even women - yes, women ‘punish the porcelain’ from time to time (gee, how about that?) so one needs to give the toilet bowl the V.I.Poo treatment pre curling one out.

Only on our TV screens it then most brazenly shows what can only be described as three chocolate doughnuts being dropped into a toilet bowl, to quite unnaturally replicate the bleedin’ obvious, which the narration describes as ‘icky smelling devil’s doughnuts’, not to put too fine a point on matters.

Oh yes, readers. In short, it’s a totally unbelievable commercial - one that needs to be seen to be believed.

Then, of course, there’s the V.I.Poo website and their FAQ’s. Such as: How should I use V.I.Poo? Answer: Shake well. Spray 3-5 times directly into the toilet bowl onto the water BEFORE USE. For adult use only.

Can product be sprayed in toilet afterwards? No. V.I.Poo is designed to be sprayed on the water BEFORE going.

How long does one bottle last? Up to 300 sprays. 100 uses. 3-5 sprays per turd....I mean uses.

What The Edge can’t quite understand is the fact that you supposedly spray V.I.Poo onto the water in the toilet bowl to form some sort of a protective layer, right? Only you do that before releasing your doughnuts, which one would assume would completely destroy the protective layer, a bit like the design of the bouncing bomb, if you catch my drift.

But seemingly not.

On a serious level, you have to give credit to whoever the agency is who created this commercial, and to the client (V.I.Poo) for having the balls to run with it.

Only isn’t it weird that although it’s an everyday bodily function for the vast majority of us, it’s something that can still cause acute embarrassment and is a topic that is rarely brought up in polite conversation.

Bottom-line, it’s all so terribly taboo.

Which is why personally, I tend to go the other way if I know I am in the company of strangers.

For instance, on a recent trip to London, I ‘needed to go’ at Liverpool Street. So I went down the stairs and the cleanest cubicle I could find (unfortunately some are left in a disgraceful state) was situated slap bang in between two ‘traps’ with the engaged sign on their doors.

So anyway, after I’d finished with the rudimentary cleaning of the plastic seat, I let out the sound of something vacating my body not akin to galloping horses approaching the first fence at the Aintree Grand National.

But rather than sitting there, timidly, I said loud enough for each of the two trapees either side of me to hear, “Whoa! Jesus Christ!”

Which didn’t bother me in the slightest, as I figured they were sat in their traps for exactly the same reason that I was sat in mine, and as they were doubtless complete and utter strangers to me, why should I care?

We save our embarrassment for the people we know, don’t we?

Having a poo will never be anyone’s finest moment.

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FARCE OF THE CENTURY After months of intense negotiations and ‘calling each other out’ on Twitter, it finally looks like the much anticipated fight between Floyd Mayweather and Connor McGregor is going to happen. The press and social media have gone into overdrive, dubbing the bout between the undefeated boxing champ and the reigning UFC lightweight champion the ‘fight of the century’. Sadly, I don't buy into all of this nonsense and can honestly say that I was actually more excited when Mr T joined the WWF to ‘fight’ Rowdy Roddy Piper (Wrestlemania II). After all, that scripted event is likely to be far less staged than the bout in question.

Putting Mayweather in to fight McGregor is like putting a dog in a ring to fight a cat. Their respective sports, boxing and UFC, are completely different, so I cannot see what rules they could come up with to make it an equal contest? On one side you have the graceful art of boxing and on the other you have the regulated street thuggery that is MMA. It seems to me that McGregor has the greater appetite for this fight to take place (probably because of the reported £100m payday) and so it is probably he that will need to make concessions in terms of the format of the fight.

Billy Hinken My feeling is that Queensbury Rules will apply and that McGregor will not stand a chance.

The latter has been quoted as saying, “I’ve got the reach. I've got youth on my side. I've got the confidence. I've got an unpredictable style. You can't prepare for a style like mine.

Why conquer one world when you can conquer two?"

Which is all well and good. But what he seems to be forgetting is that Mayweather is the 49-fight undefeated, best pound for pound boxer in the world, and he has beaten some of the all time greats to get there.

Whereas McGregor very recently got beaten in his own sport by someone who had the same BFP (body fat percentage) as a packet of pork scratchings.

Of course it will be worth watching, in the same way it was worth watching Gillian McKeith on ‘I'm a Celebrity’. But it will be a non-contest, although satisfying to see McGregor get put in his place.

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THE ANCHOR RIVERSIDE

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MICHELIN BIB GOURMAND

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2017

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CHAMBERS OF FLAVOUR Recently I was invited to attended a secret dining event at a place called Chambers of Flavour. Not knowing anything about the venue or, indeed, even the food that would be served, I naturally asked my hosts to provide some more details. They responded to say that it was a ‘secret’ and that even the venue would not be revealed until the day of our planned visit. They assured me that, whilst they did not have specific details, it would be an evening to remember and that I would enjoy myself once I was there.

Now I'm not the biggest fan of surprises, but I was intrigued and, although it was with a certain degree of trepidation, I accepted their kind (but weird) offer and agreed to attend.

On the day of the event I was given an address of where the ‘experience’ would be hosted (for which I subsequently swore an oath that I would not reveal) and so me and some friends made our way over there.

The entrance to the venue was pointed out to us upon our arrival and my initial feeling was that it was all going to be a bit underwhelming. I thought it was going to be one of those arty pop-up restaurants, where a member of Joe Public knocks up some home cooked food, the table talk is all about tofu and the environment, and only then do you decide how much you want to pay. But thankfully, how wrong I was. Once inside the restaurant I was transported into an inter-dimensional dining experience that not only satisfied my appetite, but my mind as well. I will not go into specific details in this column, as I do not want to ruin the experience for others who

might be planning to attend. But what I will say is that I highly recommend the experience. If you are interested in taking part then you will need to register for tickets (email address below) as they sell out fast: http://www.chambersofflavour.co.uk/ P.S. A quick word of warning for anyone who is intending to visit; watch out for the ‘flux’. I think I ingested a bit too much on my recent visit and it left me feeling somewhat groggy for days.

I

C

buck. I know this has been picked up by the mainstream media in recent years, but something seriously needs to be done about this ludicrous scam.

H

LUDICROUS SCAM Last month I spent a good two days on the internet and telephone trying to get tickets for me and the missus to go watch Ed Sheeran on his upcoming tour. Both being customers of O2 we thought we stood a good chance of securing our seats through their priority hotline, but unfortunately that wasn't to be.

Undeterred we decided we would try our luck via general sale for gigs at both the O2 and The Royal Albert Hall. When I logged onto the booking system it asked me to enter my credit card details and then advised me that I would be sent to a virtual waiting room whilst they allocated everyone their tickets. Four hours later the page was still loading, only then I got a message informing me that I had missed out.

Of course I was disappointed, but I understand he is a popular artist and so tickets were always going to be in high demand.

Then someone in my office pointed out to me that tickets were available through ‘reseller sites’ such as StubHub and Viagogo. When I checked I noticed they still had tickets for sale, albeit for twice the price. This puzzled me as I thought the whole intention of reseller sites was for people who erroneously bought tickets for shows they could no longer attend? Yet what they have clearly become is a trading market for people to sell tickets they have purchased purely on the basis that they want to exploit people and make a quick profit. Personally, I think that’s a disgrace and if you are someone who engages in this type of activity, you should feel ashamed of yourself.

Just to be clear, this isn't about me not getting tickets. It’s more the fact that there are fans (quite a few of them kids) up and down the country missing the opportunity to go and see their idols simply because some unscrupulous tosser wants to make a quick

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ONLY JOKING! JUST THE ONE

It only takes one drink to get me drunk.

The trouble is, I can't remember whether it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

EATING FOR FREE An Englishman says to his friend, a Scotsman, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants. "I go in at well past 9 o’clock in the evening, eat several courses very slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Then come 12.30am, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep on sitting there until eventually a waiter ambles up and asks me to settle up.

Then I say, “But I've already paid your colleague who just left."

The Scotsman is impressed and says, "Let's give it a try together this evening."

So the Scotsman books them into a nice restaurant and come 12.30am they are both still quietly sitting there after a very good meal. And, sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to settle their bill.

The Englishman says, "But we've already paid your colleague who just left."

And the Scotsman adds, "And we’re still waiting for the change.”

Q&A Q. What is the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'?

A. It’s a district in Rome.

SILVER ARROW A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a local field trip up to Chelmsford City Racetrack at Great Leighs to learn about the excitement of racing thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could

reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants and began hoisting them up, one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' in order to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she had noticed, the teacher said, “You must be in the 5th grade?”

“No, ma'am,” came the replied. “I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2:40, but I sure do appreciate your help.”

Q&A Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor (Julius Seizure).

HOT & COLD SEX After his medical examination the doctor asked the elderly man, "You appear to be in incredibly rude health for your age. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old fella. "After I have sex with my wife, I am usually really chilly. But then after I’ve had sex with her for a second time, I am usually all hot and sweaty.”

Some time later, after examining the man's elderly wife, the doctor told her, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, "Your husband has an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually left cold after having sex with you the first time, but then he warms up the second time around.

Do you know what he means?”

"Silly old fart," says his wife. “That's because the first time is usually in the winter and the second time is generally in the summer."

Q&A Q. What is a terminal illness?

A. When you are sick in the airport.

GOBBING OFF A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle was gobbing off about how lazy the British are, how he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium, all the way up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in just two days.

Some wizened old Geordie mutters, "Aye. Well, way back, I used to pick up me load in N’castle, drop it off in Hamburg, and be back in N’castle the very same day."

The German trucker snorted and said, "Oh yeah? So what rig were you driving?"

The old fella replied, "A Lancaster Bomber."

Q&A Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

fine specimen indeed, but this morning he noticed Old Butch's bell hadn't rung once.

So Fred went to investigate and saw all the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bellsa-ringing, only the pullets, hearing the commotion, would run for cover from the roosters.

But to Fred's amazement, Old Butch had his bell in his beak, so that it couldn't ring. Then he'd sneak up on a pullet, do the business, then sneak up on the next one and so on.

Fred was so proud of Old Butch that he entered him into the local Farm Show and he became an overnight sensation amongst the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded Old Butch the ‘No Bell Piece Prize’, but they also awarded him the ‘Pulletsurprise’ as well.

Clearly Old Butch was a politician in the making.

After all, who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

HOLDING HANDS They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage it is a sign of affection, whilst when he does so after marriage, it is in self-defence.

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY Brian woke up after the office Christmas Party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs where his wife put a mug of strong black coffee down in front of him.

“Samantha," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete and utter tit of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the chairman of the company right to his face."

"Oh he's an asshole," Brian said. "I could p ss * on him."

"You did," came the reply. “And he fired you."

"Well, screw him then," said Brian.

“I did," said Samantha. "So you're back at work first thing Monday morning sharp. I'm not having the likes of you hanging around the house all day long, you idle tosser.”

OLD BUTCH Fred was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilise the eggs.

He kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.

So now he could sit back on his porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favourite rooster, Old Butch, was a very

AVOID DRINKING TEA I discovered this last night.

I had 14 beers ’til about 1.00am in town while my wife was sat at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got back.

Whereas I was peaceful, silent and headed straight up to bed, she was deranged, began shouted at me, all night long, in fact, and even into the next morning over breakfast.

Conclusion?

Ladies, please, if you can't handle your tea, then don't drink the stuff.

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 246_The Edge 172.qxd 16/03/2017 14:32 Page 23

On the busses - Bellway Homes residents get FREE 12 month bus passes to aid city centre congestion Lucky residents at Bellway’s contemporary new development on the outskirts of Chelmsford are being offered two unlimited 12 month bus passes per household in order to help ease road congestion and make commuting much easier and cheaper.

Residential Travel Plan was agreed with Chelmsford City Council and Essex County Council. It includes an entitlement for each new household purchasing a new home at Aqua Verde or Eagle Rise to apply for up to two free annual bus season tickets.

The brand new route - the 51 service - is being operated by First Essex Buses and will run

Speaking of the new bus route, Gemma Bannister, Divisional Sales Manager at Bellway Essex, comments: “We are dedicated to making our homes and developments as environmentally friendly as possible and this scheme will help to keep cars off the road during rush hour, which in turn will ease emissions on the streets of Chelmsford and reduce congestion. For our home owners, the benefits mean reduced fuel costs to access the city centre or station, and of course, no parking fees either.”

every 30 minutes between Channels and the city centre, also calling at stops along Broomfield Road.

Home owners on the Bellway development, which is just on the periphery of Chelmsford (off Essex Regiment Way) will be able to ride the busses between 06:00 and 23:20 (Monday to Friday) and 07:10 to 23:20 Saturdays. A typical journey time between Channels and Chelmsford railway station takes just 13 minutes, which is good news for commuters who can then take a fast train to London Liverpool Street in around 35 minutes.

As part of the Channels development, this

For a FREE no obligation site survey ey and quotation

01245 357498 0771 07711006485 1006485 chris.farrington@aquacleaner chris.farrington@aquacleaner.co.uk eaner.co.uk www www.aquacleaner.co.uk .aquacleaner.co.uk Telephone T elephone Chris

Chelmsford, Essex

The brand new selection of two, three, four and five bedroom homes are situated amongst attractive lakes and open spaces, as part of the ongoing development being created over the next few years. The development will also offer a central plaza with amenities and a village green.

Prices start from £414,995 for a three bedroom link detached house and homes across the two distinct schemes are available with Part Exchange and Help to Buy options.

For further information about these new homes and incentives, please call 01245 443060 or visit www.bellway.co.uk.

For more details on the bus service contact First Customer Services on 03456 020 121

Sent in by sharp-eyed Edge reader Katherine Rayner

ADD A SPRING TO YOUR STEP Spring’s all about new beginnings and there’s nothing like the feeling of moving into a new home.

Register with us and we’ll do the hard work for you. You’ll get exclusive alerts before they formally hit the market. shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Selling, Letting and Managing Homes thehomepartnership.co.uk Follow us on Twitter @TheHomePartners

Brentwood St. Thomas Road, CM14 4DB 01277 218 821 Chelmsford 11 Duke Street, CM1 1HL 01245 250 222

Page 23

The Edge 246_The Edge 172.qxd 10/03/2017 15:52 Page 24

THOUGH TLESS

BAD PARK ER

Inconsiderate Parking I

Dear Edge, I have attached a photo taken on Monday 6th March, on Main Road, Broomfield. There are a number of mobility scooter users who regularly use this pathway to travel to and from the Co-Op. In addition, mums/dads with youngsters in prams/pushchairs also use this pavement frequently.

This selfish parker has now forced all those folk to move into the busy road to get by their obstruction. All of our actions can be viewed as throwing pebbles (some large, some small) into a pond - the ripples are the consequences felt by others around us. Maybe we should bring back the village ducking stool for these most selfish people and it may impress upon them the model of the ‘pebbles’.

Keep well, Tim (Broomfield resident).

Inconsiderate Parking II What a coincidence....unless these two Edge readers are in cahoots?

Nothing on the subject of inconsiderate parking for months, then two emails received within but a couple of days right out of the blue.

In the instance above, Mouse & Maverick (that is, presumably, their code names) say, “We came across this display of sheer selfishness right on the bend near the top of Wood Street this morning. Great place to step out into the oncoming traffic. What’s worse, it was still there upon our return, well over an hour later.”

A regular instance which infuriates The Edge is when bone idle people cannot be arsed to park in the car-park behind the Co-Op at Writtle, so they let their partner out of the car to nip in and do a bit of shopping, then park on the narrow road leading back onto Bridge Street.

Can’t your passenger walk 20 yards, you inconsiderate feckers?

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The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 246_The Edge 172.qxd 13/03/2017 12:07 Page 25

OK, enough of this - let’s take a break from Trump for a while. Sooner or later your brain needs a rest from the stress of it all and anyway, I even bore myself at times.

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE Yet again this month’s missive from California cannot completely ignore the non-stop barrage of news generated by the Orange Man. It’s not all Trump though.

Resistance is futile. That phrase has been used in various TV programmes and films over the years. It’s always uttered by the baddie as our hero or heroine is in a particularly tight spot. Then, as the end credits roll, it turns out that resistance was anything but futile and the good guys have won after all.

Whenever there has been a need for a resistance movement in world history to see off an authoritarian regime, in the end it’s always just like the movies and the good guys prevail. The issue is not who will win, but how long it takes and how high the body count before that happens. And, make no mistake, whenever authoritarians gain power, people die. Either political opponents and journalists at home, or in a foreign war manufactured to allow the dictator to show that he has an enormous willy.

So the word ‘resistance’ used as a noun carries a heavy burden. In normal times you don’t hear political parties of either the left or the right calling themselves ‘The Resistance’. They might resist what the opposition is trying to do, but that’s not at all the same thing either linguistically or in action.

Given all that, it is both worrying and heartening that Trump is now facing a resistance movement out here.

And it is actually calling itself that. The Resistance. It’s a loose affiliation of many different groups that don’t have a lot in common except one overarching consideration. They do not want to live under Trump’s jackboot.

The largest of these groups is opposed to Trump’s

So to other things.

By the time the April edition of this magazine hits the stands your Californian correspondent will be somewhere over the Atlantic heading for Heathrow and a brief sojourn in the UK. It’s my first visit in a year, which is the longest I’ve ever been away. As such, the suspicion is that a lot will have changed.

insistence that healthcare for poor people is a bad thing. Then there are women that don’t want a fat old man telling them what they can and can’t do with their reproductive organs. There are others that live side by side in complete peace with Mexicans and Muslims and don’t see why their neighbours should be demonised and scared witless by inadequate and insecure white men. .

Add in those concerned about climate change (Trump isn’t) and anyone that accepts Darwin’s evolution (many Trump supporters are fundamental Christian creationists) and an LGBT community that expects to be forced back into a closet and you can see there’s a lot of scope for opposition.

All these disparate interest groups have been drawn together because they don’t like the backward looking ugliness that Trump and his supporters are unleashing.

Anyway, it’s heartening to know there is A Resistance, capital letters intended, which is slowly but surely gelling into a proper movement against this dangerous man.

And what are the expectations for what I’ll find in London and Essex? Well, I already know that the bloody trains aren’t running at weekends - that hasn’t changed. Incidentally, is there a more miserable phrase in the English language than ‘bus replacement service’?

The weather will be variable, but that’s as it should be in the UK. Will Chelmsford feel like a proper city?

Has the demolition of one corner of White Hart Lane changed the atmosphere? Do people in the UK really think cake baking is a competitive sport? Why are all my friends looking older, yet I don’t? Is it still OK to drive all the way round a roundabout in the outside lane? Has the return of millions of east Europeans to their home countries meant that most Starbucks shops in London are now closed? If I talk to someone in a lift, will they think I’m weird?

There’s also the enticing prospect of being able to ask a proper London cabbie what he thinks about Uber.

That’ll be entertaining in a train smash kind of way.

Anyway, on the assumption that WW3 is not in progress, answers to those questions in due course.

You can contact Wardo at steveward2000@hotmail.com

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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A MAMMOTH TASK

Good grief, I cannot believe I just wrote that by-line. I’ll end up working for one of the red-tops if I keep that up.

The other day I was listening to Radio 4 on my commute home (because I’m fully embracing middle-age and Radio 4 is now a perfectly legitimate station to have on in the motor) when I heard an interview with a Harvard professor working on what was called a ‘De-Extinction’ project.

De-Extinction, sometimes known by the more evocative title of ‘Resurrection Biology’, is the science of attempting to bring extinct creatures back to life, and they’ve currently got their bespectacled eyes focused on the woolly mammoth.

What surprised me is that this isn’t one of those pie-in-the-sky crackpot projects, but a genuine attempt being made by some seriously clever people. What’s more, they’re far enough along that bringing back huge, hairy elephants is a real possibility.

They won’t be full-blooded, 100% mammoths though, as the idea is to use gene splicing technology to start with an elephant zygote and add mammoth traits, such as long hair and subcutaneous fat, so that it will really be an elephant with the main characteristics of a mammoth.

For those of you not boned-up on your resurrection biology terms, a zygote is what you get once an ovum is fertilised (basically when you’re just a little blob, before you turn into a proper embryo, with ickle feet and a tiny ickle willy).

The scientist being interviewed took great pains to distance this project from Jurassic Park, which is understandable seeing as most of the people in that film got eaten alive. But while they’re not extracting DNA from a mosquito trapped in amber, they are splicing in gene sequences from both extinct and contemporary animals, which is all a little bit Jurassic Park. In fact, that’s the bit in Jurassic Park that made it all go pear shaped. Well, that and the big fat bloke turning all the power off and letting a T-Rex out.

Yep, that’s the look of a man who just let a T-Rex loose

It’s not just mammoths in the genetic crosshairs either. There’s a list of candidate species that, if this project is eventually successful, might one day live and breathe again. The line-up ranges from birds, such as the Passenger Pigeon and the Carolina Parakeet (boring), to the Woolly Rhinoceros and the giant New Zealand Moa (less boring). What all of the candidate species have in common is that none of them are capable of going on a rampage and eating people, which I’m sure you’ll agree is a missed opportunity.

Even if they’re focusing their efforts on the less red in tooth and claw members of the animal kingdom, the fact they’re even considering it, let alone actually being relatively close to doing it, is amazing and the sort of scientific shenanigans that are sure to get me all excited. Naturally there are Page 26

ME & MY adamantium skeleton

The Kingmeister reports many critics of the project and they have some perfectly valid and well-reasoned concerns, none of which I care about.

To stick with the Jurassic Park analogy (which is really the only analogy I can use), I’ll quote Jeff Goldblum’s character, Ian Malcolm, who said: “Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.” Let me clear this one up straight away. When questioning whether scientists should go ahead with an interesting or particularly left-field scientific project, the answer should always be: “Yes, yes, yes.”

You’re only allowed to dress like this after surviving a T-Rex attack Joking aside, this project appears to have picked up enough momentum that the only way it won’t go ahead is if it becomes unviable in the later stages, and considering that to even get to the later stages they have to figure out how to grow a hybrid elephant/mammoth embryo in a manufactured womb, it’s now a distinct possibility.

One of the things I love about science is that it’s usually the failed projects that are the interesting ones. Science is all about constantly learning and you never learn more than when you get something wrong.

I’m keeping my fat little fingers crossed that they actually manage to pull this one off, because I’d love to think that in a decade or two we might see mighty herds of mammoth striding across the tundra for the first time in over 4,000 years.

There’s also the fact that if it does work, they might say ‘to hell with it’ and go full Jurassic Park - and I might finally get to eat a Brontosaurus Burger and ribs, just like Fred Flintstone does.

A TRIP TO THE PARK You may remember a few months back I wrote about the outrageous cost of going away during the school holidays, and with

my usual rapier like wit, showed how Center Parks was the most ludicrously overpriced holiday in the world.

So guess where I went the other week during half term? That’s right, Center Parks, the very same Center Parks at Elveden Forest that I gleefully tore into in the aforementioned article, and I’m sure some of you are feeling a bit of schadenfreude after reading that admission.

While I stand by my assertion that it’s astronomically expensive - indeed, I feel vindicated in my hyperbolic claims that Nasa would have to calculate your final bill - I have to be honest and say that I really like the place. And If I liked it, it’s also safe to say that the kids absolutely loved it.

My girlfriend and I have been stupidly busy over the past few months and we were both starting to feel a bit fatigued, so a long, relaxing weekend away seemed like just the ticket. Despite not getting much time to relax, we had a brilliant time and even though we probably got back feeling even more tired than before we went, we had so much fun it was well worth it.

It was hands down the most active holiday I’ve ever had and I’m seriously considering doing more active holidays now, although a week in the sunshine lounging by the sea with the most strenuous activity being deciding which restaurant to eat at that night is always going to be a contender.

As well as walking everywhere (for those of you who don’t know, you can’t drive round the place, apart from when you unload the car, so you have to walk or bike it everywhere) we were constantly in the pool with the kids, or running upstairs to go on the slides, the rapids, or the cyclone, and that was before we even got to the activities.

I have to say it was really nice to spend a few days actually having to walk everywhere, through a forest, and hardly seeing a car was a lovely change. Despite the fact that we were basically walking from activity to activity, I did start to feel myself relax a little, no doubt due to the peace and quiet of my surroundings.

Without doubt the activities cost you a few quid, but the ones I did were worth every penny. I decided to try the aerial adventure course, which took me 40ft up into the trees across a series of rope bridges, final-

ly culminating in a 270m long zip-wire descent across a lake. One thing I did learn was that my head for heights and sense of bravery certainly isn’t what it was 10 years ago. I’ve also realised that 40ft doesn’t look that high up from the ground, but it certainly feels a whole lot more precarious when you’re balancing on a tiny platform in a tree, waiting to cross the next creaking, swaying contrivance to get you to the next tiny platform.

The final obstacle was to climb up a rope netting which took me to the zip-wire platform (slightly less tiny) some 50ft above the lake. They then strap you in and you basically hurl yourself off before travelling an exhilarating 270m across the pond.

That bit was absolutely fantastic and almost made me want to do the whole course again. Almost. However, at this juncture, honesty compels me to admit that my partner on this exercise was a 9 year old girl who didn’t bat an eyelid at any of it and kept asking me what was taking me so long. Bloody kids.

My final activity was a field archery course where I walked along a trail in the forest and shot arrows at animal targets. This is known as bare-bow shooting, which means you don’t have all the modern gimmicks that come with contemporary bows; it’s just you, a curvy bit of wood with string on it and some pointy sticks. Apparently bare-bow target shooting like this is the most difficult archery you can attempt, so I fully expected to be cock-awful at it as I hadn’t fired a bow since I was about 6 years old, and that was made of plastic with arrows that had pink rubber suckers on the end.

I still look more like Gimli tho’!

As it turned out, the instructor said I had “a natural eye” for it as I proceeded to hit every single target, 3 of them in the kill zones, and came in first place. I knew all those years of role playing a Ranger when I played Dungeons & Dragons as a kid would eventually pay off. I really enjoyed the archery, so I’ve just signed up with the local archery club who cover all styles, including the original English longbow. As much as I’d like a go at that, I think a longbow is probably taller than I am, so that might be out of the window before I start.

Although I still stand by my assertion that Center Parks is expensive, with the accommodation for 3 nights and the activities coming to just under £700, I have to say I do think it’s worth it, particularly if you’re going there with kids. The accommodation is nice enough and it’s really lovely to wake up and have your breakfast looking out at deer in the forest surrounding your lodge, before wandering off to the pool for a few hours. The staff were all great and there’s just so much stuff to do you could never get bored.

In hindsight, I guess I might have to eat some crow and admit that I was wrong about Center Parks. Ah well, even I had to finally get something wrong... thekingpin@hotmail.co.uk The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 246_The Edge 172.qxd 13/03/2017 12:55 Page 27

Fiona Collins wasn’t satisfied with last month’s edition, readers.

She wanted even more...

Three friends. One year. Absolutely no men…and set in Chelmsford to boot!

Imogen is supposed to be on the most romantic weekend of her life, but instead she’s quickly realised that her current boyfriend definitely isn’t ‘The One’.

Instead, he’s actually ‘The One Big Mistake’.

ford has always been pretty good at bars.

Paper Mill Lock, Little Baddow “I set a daytime date here; the male love interest is a toned, can-do type who manly helps someone untie a barge. There may even be a lot of snogging in the adjacent car park…

‘Luigi’s’, Moulsham Street “A made-up restaurant in a real street, because I wanted to make the food awful enough that my character, Grace, wouldn’t meet anyone she knew in there. She does not want to be seen with this particular date, hence she chose Luigi’s...

Central Park “Here I feature some Couch-to-5K parkrun action and a man with longish hair who refers to himself in the third person and looks like something out of a Jane Austen novel.

Fictitious pub, Danbury “I based my pub, The Ram, loosely on the fantastic Danbury pub, The Griffin, which I have fond memories of frequenting as a teenager…including once staggering home from it just in time for Christmas dinner. Oh, and sledging down Griffin Hill when it used to snow properly, in the eighties.

Good times. Two of my characters meet in this pub - in a flashback scene to their younger years - on their way to the loo.

“And the Starbucks near the bottom of the High Street also gets a mention. Go, Chelmsford, go!”

‘A Year of Being Single’ is available in Asda, and at Amazon.co.uk. Fiona’s second book, ‘Cloudy with a Chance of Love’, is also out on Amazon.

‘Four Bridesmaids and a White Wedding’ will be out on 28th of April...

Satisfied now?!?!?! E.E.

IN DEL NO YO IVE W UR RIN AR G EA

Frankie is fed up. Fed up of her good-for-nothing husband and her four, unappreciative kids. Well, they hardly notice her anyway, so maybe it’s time to shake things up a little?

Grace thought she had the perfect life. A gorgeous little boy and a perfect, hard-working husband. Or rather, she did, until she realised her husband was shagging his ‘work’.

These single ladies don’t need to put a ring on it…right?

“I decided to set ‘A Year of Being Single’ - a romcom bestseller which last summer managed to sell over 120,000 copies and is now out in paperback - in Chelmsford. I grew up in Danbury, went to Sandon School, and now I live in Little Waltham,” says local author Fiona Collins. “I’ve never read a book set in Chelmsford, or at least, I can’t think of any. And books like mine are usually set in London, or the Cotswolds, or Cornwall.

So I thought it was about time Chelmsford got a

look in, because I also wanted a setting with bars and restaurants and parks that wasn’t a ridiculous train journey from London (which is why most people decide to live here in the first place, presumably?). Without giving too much of the plot away, here are some of the settings I used: Admirals Park “I love this park and decided to build an outdoor roller-skating rink here, where two of my characters go on a date on a summer’s afternoon. It would be really nice to have something like this in Chelmsford, don’t you think, as ice-skating’s far too cold for me and I keep on falling over. Whilst roller-skating, one character realises that the other may not be trusted and that she might not be the only one…

Chelmsford Station “I have indulged in quite a bit of kissing at the taxi rank outside the station in my book. Well, why not? Train stations are romantic, in my opinion.

Especially if the romance is on the unrequited side. Journeys in the book start from here to London (the West End, Soho, posh hotels) and Ascot. All the best journeys start from Chelmsford, we all know that.

Hylands Park “I have a lot of great memories of going to Hylands Park with my children, and both the park and the house feature in a scene where a character realises her marriage may be over. There’s also a sausage dog and some cheese and pickle sandwiches, which I find always livens things up.

‘Valentine’s Night Bar’ “My characters celebrate being single on Valentine’s Night in an unnamed, fictitious bar and although in my mind this is somewhere like Baroosh, this scene could be anywhere where there’s loud music and lots of people. Chelms-

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The Edge 246_The Edge 172.qxd 13/03/2017 12:56 Page 28

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Just recently an irate avian forced the total evacuation of a supermarket in Cornwall with shoppers looking on in horror as it went on a F&DR (flying and defecating rampage).

The angry seagull nonchalantly glided into the Tesco store in Truro at around 8:30pm and began harassing both staff and customers alike.

One employee exclusively told Max Headroom: “I was unaware of its presence until it flew but an inch away from my nose.”

Another customer was reportedly hit in the face by the seagull as it swooped down the cereals isle and shat on a box of Weetabix.

The store was eventually forced to close for 75 minutes as staff attempted to apprehend the rabid cannibal, leaving hundreds of people unable to purchase their groceries.

The gull was eventually captured and safely released outside after taunting workers from atop a pack of IAMS cat food.

GIANT COCK A Scottish pensioner’s home has become an even bigger tourist attraction than Edinburgh Castle is north of the border.

Seventy-three year old Jim McSproggan has religiously been pruning a 14ft high ivy covered tree in his front garden into the shape of a male chicken outside his home in East Wemyss. Only recently Jim added a red hoop around it’s neck “te make it look moor cock like the noo” he insists.

“Originally it was an old cherry blossom,” says Jim, “but it got that big I was worried it might get blown over and land on a car. So I cut it back and decided to shape it into the shape of a giant cock.”

Jim is adamant the idea just popped into his head out of nowhere and refutes any suggestions that he might have been a bit of an exhibitionist in his time.

“I call it Big Jock the cock,” says Jim, “and it stands in pride of place right ootside the front of ma hoose, crowing away for independence.”

“I’ll give him big cock,” insists Mrs McSproggan.

Page 28

The Edge 01245 348256

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MOTCO

Man on the Clapham Omnibus

COUNCILLORS, CARS & ALTERNATIVES Apologies to our national and international Motconistas (they do exist) because in this edition we must focus on local issues, but with a global resonance, especially if you live in a city. This month was all set to be about lift etiquette and behaviour - oh yes, it’s out there - only then I spotted a copy of the Essex Chronicle on our coffee table.

Screaming headlines about ‘City Gridlock’ and the results of yet another survey from that esteemed scientific institution, The University of The Bleedin’ Obvious, run by Professor Shifty Golightly. The key points are that Chelmsford’s roads can’t cope. Total gridlock by 2021. Capacity at 96% already. Essex Highways to spend £15MILLION to merely assess the transport network. And finally, the bit that really changed my mind about what to write about this month: it’s always a local public official of the sort who tells you not to travel because it’s too windy who is capable of saying, “Car users are asked to go to work in an alternative way twice-a-week to help cut jams”.

Which got me thinking, were Pete and Dud ahead of their time in the 1960’s with the ‘Leaping Nuns of Norwich’ (this month’s look up for younger readers)?

This was not some kind of parody, but an early adoption of a new traffic policy and a Christian act to help the good folks of Norwich to get to work on time.

Perhaps we should give this serious thought amongst ourselves then, as not only could we help with the traffic, but also ease the burden of the legalised extortion carried out by the city council re: car parking charges. We could all decide to get on board with a traditional old public school sport of the cross country hop, popular in the lesser known and somewhat cheaper public schools. My own school, St. Theivers (motto: Non boltus terra dead certi removalus) produced many adolescents who could out hop a police car any day of the week. Meanwhile, The Goons, who claimed to be walking backwards to Christmas, were in fact another early traffic assistance team and found themselves walking backwards to Danbury from Chelmsford as its mainly uphill (yes, non Essex readers, we do have them, despite what you may have read to the contrary), only the BBC said it wasn’t a snappy enough title.

to the long hill involved, whilst the journey into town lends itself to the leap or triple jump techniques (i.e. downhill for several miles, no problem). From the flatter landscapes of Great Leighs, the hop springs to mind, as a long stretch along the A120 has fewer speed cameras for the more enthusiastic hopper.

The inner districts, such as the Broomfield badlands where Mottlands (the family pile) is located, could be the freestyle and multi discipline specialist development area. My journey to the station is flat, hill, flat and slight down to the station. One could open the journey with a straight forward hop towards the park, a triple jump section down Patching Hall Lane to the main road, then speed hop for the big flat into town. The approach to the station will require a more specialist ‘alternative’ approach. There are numerous hazards on all approaches to the station by foot, all from the previous night, such as slippery underfoot fried chicken, kebabs, the salad (that nobody wants with any takeaway). And, of course, the odd drunk left over from the club run. A full blown pythonesque ‘Ministry of Silly Walks’ would be both practical and safe as one could adjust each silly step to avoid the debris in one’s path, whilst those sitting stationary in their warm dry cars will only wonder why the hell they are not out in the rain with you, getting polluted by one of the clapped out buses that deem to run occasionally.

We have county and city councils so money grabbing that it charges school children and volunteers to promote sport in the town square (more about that on the Mott Files blog soon). They are also going to sell tons of land to developers for X-thousands of additional new homes, so can spend £15million to ‘assess’ what every human and snail in the city already knows, and has known for years, but will read this article and think possibly it may be a bit stupid. Try treating your citizens with some intellect and we may respond accordingly.

Anyway, I must hop as I have a train to catch.

Yours aye,

Obviously the choice of ‘alternative’ transport could be dictated by where in the outlying districts you hail from and the geography involved. As mentioned, Danbury lends itself to the backward walk on the way home from the city, due

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I booked a holiday for myself. When I told the family, they looked at me as if I had gone nuts. “Who will cook our dinner?” they asked. “Who will iron our clothes?”

“You'll be taken away and sold into slavery,” even my mum warned me.

But I had already booked it, so had to brazen it out to everyone at home.

However, I was terrified by the time it came around to exactly what I had done and what potential horrors awaited me.

But off I went anyway, to Fuerteventura.

Yes, I appreciate I was hardly trekking in the Antarctic, but it was still a huge adventure for me all alone.

TOTALLY TRACIE SWEET LIFE OF MINE Oh what a month of life changing events it has been for me. Firstly, after years of being a chocolate and sweet addict, I just woke up one morning and decided to kick the habit. I kid you not, I would even eat a bag of Maltesers rather than breakfast or lunch, and I’ve even sought out hypnotists over the years, which never helped. I just cannot believe that me of all people has finally given up on the sugar. The first couple of days were hell, but I just kept drinking lots of water and eating extra strong mints to take the edge off, and telling myself I could do it.

In my world, it really is the equivalent of the Pope giving up religion! Everyone kept their distance and kept out of my way, but after 48 hours, fortunately the worst of my cravings were over.

I feel so much better and I look absolutely brilliant, even if it’s vain to admit it! You hear all this hype about sugar being so very bad, and if you listen to the news it’s all doom and gloom. Even the air we breathe is killing us. My dentist even told me a few weeks ago to stop drinking coffee as it’s bad for the teeth. But then so is a punch in the mouth to anyone who upsets me before my first cuppa of the day. Hand on heart, I can honestly say giving up sugar feels truly amazing. I feel as though I have really accomplished something and am waiting for an OBE to drop through the letterbox at any moment. I have so much more energy and feel miles more alert. I find myself looking at chocolate bars in shops as if they’re evil. I've also stopped snacking between meals. So all I have to do now is stop myself turning into a bore and acting so smug, like ex-smokers do who suddenly find fresh air.

I’M OFF TO SUNNY SPAIN My second bit of life changing news is that I’ve also discovered courage.

Every year I say to ‘Him Indoors’, “Are we going on holiday this year?” and he always looks at me and makes an excuse? Eight long years have passed with no holidays. I hear about all of my friend's trips and adventures and see all of their pictures on Facebook and wish it were me. Well, finally this year, it was!

Page 30

Yet from the moment I got there, I was put right at my ease. I was checked in to my beautiful room, which overlooked the sea, and given a card for half-board.

Yep, no cooking breakfasts or dinner for a whole seven days. I immediately unpacked and decided to take the plunge by walking straight down to the pool with my book and my sunglasses, hoping to avoid anyone giving me any of those evil ‘single woman on her own’ stares. But nothing could have been further from the truth. People came up and spoke to me and we chatted and laughed. And before the day was out, I had invites to sit at people’s tables for dinner, and to go off on trips around the Island.

There had been me thinking I would just skulk in a corner and bury my head in the pages of my book all week long, but I found myself going to Pilates and Aerobics classes on the beach, and Yoga in the evenings with some lovely ladies both young and old. Not to mention a little dancing in the bar. I kept thinking, ‘If only they could see me back home, knocking the cocktails back!’

When my week was up, I even decided to stay on another 5 days. I rang home and all hell broke loose. They thought I had lost my mind. I am sure my mother was even looking up the British Consulate’s number and lunatic asylums all at the same time. Meanwhile, ‘Him Indoors’ just started shouting, so I cut him off abruptly and went straight down to reception and asked if I could extend my stay. Fortunately they said “yes”. Next thing, I rang Ryanair to change my ticket, full of trepidation, but they were ever so helpful (I know) and within 10 minutes flat I’d booked another 5 days. I then rang work, who went into meltdown. But I saved the worst ’til last and emailed ‘Edge Towers’ to say I needed an extension on my column deadline date. And he was bloody marvelous. “Stay and have a great time,” he told me. In fact, he was the only one who was positive and encouraging.

So I did, and I had the best time ever!

I’ve made some amazing new friends and learnt that northerners really are the most friendly and welcoming people on the planet. And I’m already planning my next adventure, because everything feels so much better in the sunshine.

I feel like I have come alive after oh so many years. What a month!

Tracie123@aol.com

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