The Edge Magazine June 2015

The Edge 224_The Edge 172.qxd 23/05/2015 11:16 Page 1

EDGE

the ISSUE NO: 224

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You know where you get it best!

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The Edge 224_The Edge 172.qxd 23/05/2015 11:22 Page 2

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The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 224_The Edge 172.qxd 23/05/2015 11:22 Page 3

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Fingers crossed that all those of you who regularly buy your meat from A.G. Smith’s butchers in Boreham will recognise Andy from t’other side of t’counter, as caricatured by Ben Churchett, The Edge’s new magician with a pen. For all caricature enquiries/bookings, please contact Ben at benchurchett@aol.com Facecock: Monkey Circus Caricatures by Ben Churchett Instagram: MonkeyCircusCaricatures Twitter: @Benlofc

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The Edge 224_The Edge 172.qxd 23/05/2015 11:32 Page 4

EVEN HEAT DISTRIBUTION

The Edge Editor’s Column LADIES Basically, I do Boot Camp classes with a load of ladies. I honestly didn’t plan it that way, but at the time of day I choose to do my exercise (I can’t be arsed with evening stints any more, which is probably an age/comfort thing), the majority of blokes are generally at work.

So anyhow, the class I’ve just attended finished 10 minutes early today as it was bitterly cold, and then it started raining. But the funny thing was, the girls just upped sticks and fecked off, because they didn’t want to get their hair wet.

Priceless.

BITTERLY COLD That’s the thing about this country, isn’t it? One day it’ll be like summer, whilst the next there’s an arctic bloody wind, rain, hailstones even, and you never quite know where you stand.

What’s more, I’ve almost given up listening to weather forecasts because they never, ever seem to get it right, which is damned infuriating.

Page 4

We all get stuff pushed through our letterboxes and half the time we don’t know where it’s come from or what it’s come with, as little brochures and pamphlets seem to spill out of larger brochures, papers and pamphlets, somewhat like a sow giving birth to a multitude of piglets.

One I started absentmindedly flicking through was from Coopers of Stortford, and did you know, all those of you with gas hobs, that for just £9.99 we could buy ourselves the very latest aluminium heat diffuser (pack of 2) in order to ‘harness the full cooking power of our gas hobs’?

It’s like a thin metal (clutch?) plate that goes between the heat source and the base of our pans offering us an even heat distribution (haven’t we been getting that already then?). “Great for simmering sauces and custard,” they say.

See, it’s just something else that we didn’t honestly realise we needed and, quite frankly, I’m surprised we’ve all managed to poke up with our lives without one for so very long already.

QUACK Apparently Salcombe (Devon) is one of the ‘top 10’ places to own a holiday home in the UK - for those who can afford such luxuries, naturally.

But nah. I’ve been and it was OK, but (a) it’s far too steep, (b) it’s too far away, and (c) it definitely lacks a certain je ne sais quack.

DUKE STREET GRILL I received a fair few high-five style emails after naming and shaming a couple of local companies who chose not to settle their bills with The Edge recently, as published in last months editions.

The phrase chose not to is undoubtedly true of the Duke Street Grill, because they’re still trading, yet they seemingly feel no compulsion whatsoever to settle the outstanding amount that they owe The Edge for services rendered.

Like spitting in an opponents face in sport, not paying your bills in business (particularly where small, local businesses are concerned) is simply something you should never entertain.

Think about it: what would happen if everyone operated in such a way?

That’s why The Edge thinks that every single customer that sets foot into the Duke Street Grill should accept their order, then walk out the door without paying for it.

After all, it’s not as though they can take the moral high ground with you if you do, is it?

If they don’t pay what they owe, why should you?

CONFIRMED Princess Kate of Cambridge has confirmed that baby Charlotte Elizabeth Diana is definitely 100% William’s.

SLAVE TO FASHION Whilst sitting on Writtle Green in the Saturday sunshine, putting the world to rights over a few Adnams Broadsides from the Co-Op, with our bitches yakking about ‘ladies stuff’, Johnny-Boy and I turned our attentions to fashion.

“The trick,” he mumbled, whilst slurping on a can of Woodpecker cider, “is not to be in fashion, but to be slightly just ahead of fashion.”

With that thought in mind, I had a discreet shifties of what he was wearing and thought to myself, ‘Aye, no-one’s wearing that just yet.’

Love you, John.

Please God ‘LIKE’ The Edge. Go on... facebook.com/theedgemagazine twitter.com/TheEdgeMag DO IT NOW! For Christ’s sake, LIKE The Edge, cos no bugger else does.

facecock THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 7 97 44 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 224_The Edge 172.qxd 23/05/2015 11:32 Page 5

What on earth is all this Judge nonesense about?

First of all, let The Edge just say that Judge Ringstinger seems to be a very nice bloke. He does. But in all honesty, what is the purpose of an afternoon TV programme such as this, which once again quite wrongly appears to be aimed at the lowest common denominator (i.e. those with a fractionally just above the The Jeremy Kyle Show intellectual barometer capacity)?

I tuned in as I was making a late sandwich for my lunch, as there was nothing else on, and just to see what all the fuss was about. But there’s literally nothing to it. It’s simply a sheer waste of time watching it and I couldn‘t work out whether it was staged, real or what - although I kind of suspected, sadly, that it’s somehow ‘for real’. If it is real though, why haven’t we got a Judge like him in Chelmsford whom The Edge can haul low-down advertisers who fail to settle their invoices?

OK, so it seems that it’s based on some crappy American TV show, and there’s very few of those that The Edge likes (apart from Starsky & Hutch, of course) involving small-claims cases (which is what The Edge’s would be termed) adjudicated in a studio courtroom, presided over by criminal law barrister Rob Rinder, who has actually been trained to deal with international fraud, money laundering, and numerous other forms of financial crime.

So the question begs, what’s such an obviously bright boy doing on such a tawdry show?

It’s that bloody word reality show yet again, isn’t it, where the great unwashed British public get to play their part, and it predictably sucks.

Meanwhile, the golden boy himself apparently landed the role as he was “doing a bit of scriptwriting on the side” (on the side of his serious daytime job, that is). What’s more, he was best man at Benedict Cumberbatch’s wedding to Sophie Hunter (Robby & Benny went to Uni together) and he’s also a bit of a fitness fanatic who has run both the London and New York marathons.

And finally, Benedict Cumberbatch married ‘The Judge’ to his long-term partner in Ibiza last year.

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Page 5

The Edge 224_The Edge 172.qxd 23/05/2015 11:34 Page 6

FATHER’S DAY

WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE...

Sunday 21st June NEVER FORGET YOUR DAD! Treat him to a relaxing shampoo & conditioning head massage, gent’s cut & blow dry plus finishing product all for just

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This offer is available with selected stylists only and cannot be used in conjumction with any other Stephen Alexander offer.

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”There are legends....and then there’s Steve McQueen.”

The King of Cool....that was his moniker, and The Edge thinks he’s still the coolest guy ever to have walked the planet.

Brando was immensely hip as well, of course, but his appeal was so much less than McQueen’s, presumably due to the fact that he was undoubtedly a bit of an acquired taste. Yet where McQueen was concerned, literally every woman alive fancied the pants off him, and probably a fair few chaps besides.

All this doesn’t necessarily make him the nicest, most decent, guy there ever was, because it clearly doesn’t sound as though he was an angel. But aesthetically, simply as someone to look at, surely McQueen tops everyone’s bill.

He first came to The Edge’s attention in The Magnificent Seven, and I’ve read, in his biography, that it was important for McQueen to get one-upmanship of the movies leading light, the man dressed in black, Yul Brynner, as often as he possibly could. It’s a theme that remained constant throughout his acting career and while some might put it down to McQueen’s competitive nature, deep down, it was basically due to a lack of self worth and gross insecurity.

But all that stuff, it truly doesn’t matter, because McQueen is the ultimate idol and a true legend.

It really is as simple as that.

His father was a stunt pilot for a barnstorming flying circus and abandoned McQueen’s mother six months after meeting her, while she was ‘up the stick’. That’s probably where the insecurity and the recklessness came from. His mother was (allegedly) an alcoholic and sometime prostitute.

Despite such an inauspicious start in life, McQueen went on to become the world’s highest-paid actor in 1974, then didn’t take another role for four long years.

Not many people seem to know this, but he landed his first Hollywood bit-part in a B-movie called Somebody Up There Likes Me starring Paul Newman, whilst his very first leading role was in something called The Blob which has since gone on to receive cult status.

Years down the line, McQueen would count the number of words his rival Paul Newman had in Towering Inferno, making sure it wasn’t more than him, as well as making certain that the name of Newman was placed slightly lower than McQueen’s name in the film’s credits.

But he wasn’t bitter. Oh no. Not much.

And here’s some of the movie roles McQueen turned down: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (his then wife Neile Adams commented at the time, “You single-handedly made Robert Redford famous”), Apocalypse Now, Dirty Harry, A Bridge Too Far, The French Connection and Close Encounters of the Third Kind (due to the fact that he said he couldn’t cry on cue).

The blue-tinted Persol sunglasses McQueen wore in The Thomas Crown Affair in which he starred with the incredibly lush Faye Dunaway sold at auction in Los Angeles for $70,000 in 2006.

Meanwhile, Steve McQueen was a bit dyslexic and was also left-handed.

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Collect vouchers 1, 2 & 3 from this magazine in May, June and July editions and redeem them at Lance James The Jewellers in Chelmsford on Wednesday 29th July 2015. We have 100 bracelets (size 40 only) in white, rose, lavender and mint to give away on a first come, first served basis. Offer limited to one per household. Full Terms & Conditions are available in store.

The Edge 224_The Edge 172.qxd 23/05/2015 11:55 Page 8

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CITIZEN • This hobby has selfdestructed in just a year.

Citizen fears that it has lost a voluntary service it has enthusiastically undertaken around the world for the last 40 +8C >9A8= +8. -3>3/= years. /</-> =>+>?/= :<973 There must be38literally 8/8> :6+-/= 90 >2/3< to hundreds of photographs taken by Citizen of strangers 79=> 0+79?= +8. A9<>2C -3>3D/8= >2/3< /3>2/<"Would 2+@381 whom it has either responded to their request: ,//8mind ,9<8taking >2/</a9<picture 2+@381of,/-97/ you us?" or, 38./63,6C seeing a+==9-3+>/. couple of A3>2 >2/ :6+-/in a quandary with a camera, has readily fellow tourists 2/67=09<.

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38 $97/ 38 +<-983 A366 09</@/< ,/ the +==9-3+>/.

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Ground New York>/6/1<+7 - before the <C @/<=398 90 + >/B> 7/==+1/ 09< >2/ ?8383>3+>/.

0<97 the site commenced - and Auschwitz.

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06//381 >9 and +8+.+ wholly inappropriate, Citizen hopes that you agree. +<-983 >2/digital 79=>cameras 0+79?= :/<=98 The dawn3=of:/<2+:= affordable some 15+==9-3+> years or /. ago A3>2instantly 2/67=09<. =9 A2/</ >2/ 2/66 3= 23= =>+>?/ so reduced the appeal of traditional film !9A2/</for 8/+< >2/holiday !/A %><//> +:+<>7/8>= ,?> 38=>/+. cameras most makers and enthusiastic ama>?-5/. +A+C + 63>>6/ on A+Cthe +6981 >2/ <9+.

0<97could >2/ 3@3teur photographers, grounds that you &2/+></ see ,/=3./ 8/A +> >2/able </+<to90show >2/ instantly what>2/you had+:+<>7/8>= taken and were ,?= =>+>398 them to friends and family as soon as you got home (and )2+>G= >2+>have +66 +,9?> 3>3D/8wait A9?6. >2+> >2/</ you didn’t to impatiently for 1?/== them while they +</ 2?8.</.= were sent off to90be2/67=09<.3+8= developed). :6?= @3=3>9<= +635/ A29 +</ 89> /@/8 2/G= ,//8 </-9183=/. =>+>?/ Only now the +A+</ Smartphone has taken this a A3>2 step +further. +8CA2/</ Yes, your photo’s can now be sent by text or email )2C 89> to 79@/ 3> -69=/< +:+<>7/8>= 38 world. !/A %><//> instantly someone on >9 the>2/ other side of the >2+> ,/+<absolutely 23= 8+7/no +8.

0?<>2/< 6/1+-C >2+> There’s wait at all /82+8-/ in sharing>2/ such. >2/ ,?36.381 /849C=owns nor wants a selfie stick, is And Citizen, <312>6C who neither +<-983 3= 89> >2/iPhone 986C -6+37 >9 0+7/ >2+> left9A/@/< asking other fellow older owners if they can ==/B 2+= =9of0+<us,+=and <+.39 3= -98-/<8/. take a picture would they like one too? &2/</ ,/ art 7+8C A29 But it’s7?=> a dying and</+./<= all a little sad.635/ 3>3D/8 </7/7 ,/< A3>2 +00/->398 >29=/ ,?--+8//<381 F:3<+>/ <+.39 =>+ +<9=/ >9 -+>/<so09<stupid? >2/ 1<9A381 +::/>3>/ >9 •>398=G Why>2+> elect to appear 7?=363=>/8of>9the >2/more 6+>/=>depressing :9: G= .?<381 One aspects>2/ of :9:?6+< May’s General /Election, /B:69=398in90Citizen’s >2/ G=view, was an almost daily feature in &2/ >A9 ,/=> 589A8 $+.39 +<9638/ %9?>2 +8. FA98 news broadcasts. ./<0?6Gyour $+.39 98.98 ,9>2is ,<9+.-+=> 9?>=3./ >/<<3 What correspondent referring to0<97 is the number of >9<3+6 A+>/<= 900 >2/ in ==/B 9+=> 09< 79=> 90 >2/3< people, when4?=> interviewed vox-pops - usually conduct/B3=>/8-/ =9 +6981=3./ 2/67=09<. = -6+37 >9 took ,/ >2/ ed in marginal constituencies - who apparently such F 3<>2:6+-/ 90 $+.39G >2/ themselves -9?8>C </+66Cas.9/= =>+5/ 3>= pride in disenfranchising though it carries -6+37 09< 3779<>+63>C some sort<+.39 of ‘badge of honour’. #<39<"I>9won't >2/3<be +.@/8> >2/brigade 986C -977/<-3+6 :9:?6+< 7?=3The voting" are a sad reflection both

=7+66 <+8.of ?-2C >2+> C/+< =:?<8/.

9,@39?= on the state politics in 6+=> the public eye and>2/ possibly a -+8.3.+>/ 09< >2/ :</=3./8-C 90 of>2/politicians ?<9:/+8with '8398 lack of engagement on the part so &2/ </-/:>398 >23= >3>+8 90 ,<9+.-+=>381 A+= >9 :?> 3> called ordinary 90 voters - Citizen makes strenuous efforts ,6?8>6C :</>>C the .</+.0?6 ,?> 89> ,+.working /89?12families’ >9 .<9A8 here to avoid hackneyed ‘hard 9?> >2/ =//73816C -98>38?9?= +8. 7989>989?= 9?>:?> adjective.

90 -977/<-3+6= 9<+-/ = F 80<+ <+Aof Why are they so09< proud of their+>-2/69< ignorance and lack />29.G 09< +66/1/.6C A388381 + 09<>?8/ 98 >2/ 099>,+66 participation? :996= By all means don’t vote, but keep your abstinence to 66 >2/ Not900/</. :9: 0+8= >2/ >37/choice, A+= >2/but>A9 yourself. voting might be a+>personal it’s 29?< F#3-5 "0 &2/ %?8.+C +0>/<8998 surely nothing to be#9:=G proud98of.+ To see these likely A3>2 fugi6+8 from <//7+8 +8. >2/Kyle =/73 63@/ ignorantly %+>?<.+C 79<8381 tives the Jeremy Show abdicating F +=Cdemocratic /+>G =29Aright A3>2saddens <3+8 Citizen +>>2/A to 9>2 their say90the>2/=/ least.

A/</ 98won’t >2/ dwell 312> #<91<+77/ >2+>people A+= >9once ,/-97/ Citizen on the fact that really did $+.39themselves 98-/ >2/ under #9=> "003-/ A23-2and +> >2+> >37/ -98 throw racehorses chain them><966/. to ,<9+.-+=>381 038+66C 38 -69=381 .9A8 selves railings for the right=?--//./. to vote - which are actual >2/ :3<+>/= A23-2 +.@/8>not 90 to $+.39 -97:6/>/ facts.

It’s also a fact=+A that>2/ electing vote doesn’t stop A3>2same + 8?7,/< /B :3<+>/about = the 38-6?.381 &98C the people90 moaning outcome with the 6+-5,?<8 /88C all@/</>> +8. 9>2/<= usual: “Oh, they’re the same, aren’t they?” claptrap $+.39 +<9638/ emanating from A+= their >2/ lips.03<=> #3<+>/ $+.39 %>+>398 ,<9+.-+=>381 0<97news + =23: </./<3-+ Well here’s some for9<3138+66C you - they-+66/. might>2/ not be if >2+> A+= </8+7/. +<9638/ 900 >2/ -9+=> 90 you’d bothered to take( part. /63B=>9A/ 38and, 8/312,9?<381 38 +<-2 +8.

Chelmsford indeed, its %?00965 neighbouring constituencies 3> A+=not =998 4938/. ,C $+.39 ,<9+.-+=>381 were marginal, so we were>6+8>+ spared the worst of0<97 this >2/ of(coverage 3 7319and, +8-29</.

38 898 900 sort of course, no >/<<3>9<3+6 one here A+>/<= would be >2/ 1/8>//6 ==/Btheir </=9<> 90 <38>98 %/+ proud of showing ignorance like98that anyway, would +<9638/ +8. >6+8>+ 7/<1/. 38 >9 ,/-97/ $+.39 they? +<9638/ !9<>2 +8. %9?>2 </=:/->3@/6C 38 >2/ 0+-/ 90 + 8/A ?:=>+<> 98 >2/ •1<9A381 Those-97:/>3>398 sad reports0<97 of the death of vinyl may,69-5 have 9< <+>2/<greatly >2/ 2312exaggerated. =/+= been /09</ has A/ 6995 +> >23=in ?:=>+<> 7?=> ,/about 7+./its Citizen reflected the past7/8>398 (in this column) 90 >2/life0+-> >2+>sixties, 38 +8?+<C >2/ (in the 3 7319 past in the browsing happily three69=> inde3>= +8-29<record 38 + =>9<7 +8. <+8 +1<9?8. >2/ pendent shops .<30>/. in Braintree where it grew98up. ,/+-2are +> still <38>98 </A +8.

A/</in?82?<> ,?>in>2/ None there and, indeed,G=there nowhere the 2?66 A+= +8.CD’s </;?3</. </:+3< +> resurrected + =23:C+<. 38 town any .+7+1/. more to buy - or the newly >2/ !/>2/<6+8.= A3>2supermarkets $+.39 +<9638/ >/7:9<+<36C vinyl - apart from the who%9?>2 just seem to sell ,<9+.-+=>381 +89>2/< @/==/6 the Top 50 and0<97 compilations.

Chelmsford is much better &23=as+09</7/8>398/. ,<9+.-+=>381 A+=all power 3>3D/8= off there’s an excellent branch of?:=>+<> HMV and :+<>3-?6+< >2/ >37/of the $+.39 to them as0+@9?<3>/ they are =>+>398 the sole+>survivor large98.98 record A23-2chain 9:/<+>/.

0<97 once <. to/-/7,/< >9 >2 shop that were be found on almost every ?1?=> High Street. +6=9 900 >2/ -9+=> 90 <38>98 >2?= -/7/8> 381 >2/ A3>2 <+.39 23=>9<C Remember, But where==/B are -988/->398 the independents nowadays? +8.James A3./6CDace 589A8 G 9< >9Pop 13@/ 3> we00/->398+>/6C used to have and+=theF 31 excellent 3>= 0?66 79./=>6C +A+<./. >3>6/ F)98./<0?6 31 G >23= Inn? A+= 38.//. :</>>C A98./<0?6 09< record + 69> 90shops, C9?81which 63=>/8/<= Where too are the second-hand +> >2/always >37/ a delight to browse in? were %+.6C was C9?<a-9<</=:98./8> </7/7,/<= >2/ There regular second-hand record=3>>381 fair in8/+< the Shire )+< prior /79<3+6 /8><+6 2/67=09<. ,+-5 38 Hall to its 38 closing for #+<5 renovation, but nowadays ?1?=> is not sure A3>2 where 3>= >2/8to13<60<3/8.

63=>/8381 Citizen go in Essex - apart,>9it3> 19 900 >2/ +3< @3+from ><+8=3=>9< <+.39 A23-2 3= Southend. + 0+< -<C 0<97 believes, one particular shop in >9.+C = would 79,36/guess ./@3-/= Citizen that the demise in popularity of vinyl 89>2/<is:3<+>/ =>+>398 +> >2+> >37/aA+= >2/ 6/==/< 589A8 - which now fortunately making comeback - plus $+.39 3>Crates 89>have >9 ,/squeezed -980?=/.most A3>2 of >2/them -?<</8> business out :9:?6+< of town -977/<-3+6 =>+>398 09< >2/ 3>C 90 3@/<:996 &23= =>+<> centres. /. 630/ are, += $+.39 %?>-2 :<979>/ :9: -+<//< record 90 There however, still>9some good>2/ second-hand %-</+7381 9<. %?>-2 ,<9+.-+=>381 0<97of+ two .3=?=/. shops to be found.

Indeed, Citizen knows or three 9<> 900 6+>/ +@3.town %?>-2 3= in<7C York and at >2/ least /8> one-9+=> in the &2/ lovely walled of Rye ,/>>/< += >2/ 09?8./< 90 >2/ 98=>/< $+@381 in East589A8 Sussex.

998C are #+<>C A29 :<9,+,6C ,/Soho =366C /89?12 There also fiveA366 such shops =>366 in the district of>9 -98>38?/and, 23= ><+.3>398 03/6.381 ./:9=3> -+8.3 London nearer to90Essex, there is the69=381 superbly .+>/= 38Record >23= 798>2G= 1/8/<+6 /6/->398 named Detective Agency in Palmers Green, near &2/ 0367that F&2/is well 9+> worth &2+> $9-5/.G Enfield, a visit. 9=>/8=3,6C +,9?> + :3<+>/there <+.39is =>+>398 </+66C .3.8 > .9 3>= And still no greater pleasure for =?,4/-> a record4?=>3-/ lover &2/=/ A/</ 2/<9/= >9 3>3D/8of= ‘long-playing’ 1/8/<+>398 +8. than to 1?C= browse through a selection >2/ 19@/<87/8> 2+>/. >2/7 A23-2 986C ?=of69@/ albums in their original sleeves, whilst the7+./ advent the >2/7superior +66 >2/ 79</ new quality vinyl albums - including many of the %97/98/ >2/</ >2/ >37/ inA9<5381 98 $+.39 great’s fromA29 theA+= sixties and+>seventies their original +<9638/ +8.

589A=for>2/any =?,4/-> A+=buff $+Clike packaging - isA29 great</+66C to browse nostalgia 6+<5 >2/ ==/B 79<8381 =29A :</=/8>/< 3= Citizen. /B-/66/8> F$+.39 &2/ &<?/ %>9<Cwe90mark >2/ So isn’t it ,995 nice that, in the+<9638/ same column where 9+>replacement &2+> $9-5=Gof3=the + 1/8?38/ +8>29691C 98 >2/ the traditional SLR camera by =?,4/-> the ?8635/ $3-2+<. ?<>3=G= 0367 we >2+>can >+5/= + 63>>6/ >99time 7?-2 brash, upstart Smartphone, at the same .<+7+>3- the 63-/8=/ +8.of =97/29A /==/8-/ welcome return the 12 inch73==/. record>2/ album - aka 90 the >2/ ->37/= A23-2store 3= =?<:<3=381 LP to a record near us. += 3>3D/8 3= + ,31 0+8 90 23= maybe 9>2/< A9<5 F 9?< )/..381= + So things:+<>3-?6+<6C aren’t so sad after all? And+8. hopefully ?8/<+6G +8.

F 9@/my->?+66CG +=about A/66 += -98><3,?>398 you’ll even forgive little rant the23= election. >9 >2/ 6/1/8. >2+> 3= 6+-5 ../<

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V-DUBRIDES

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE? Can you spot the difference, readers? Because The Edge bloody CAN’T and that’s a bloody FACT. It saw Judy Finnigan on a rare (these days) appearance on the TV of late and thought ‘My God’.

Fact is, she honestly looks like her old, knackered, ‘Spitting Image’ puppet....or perhaps an old, battered baseball glove (hey, perhaps Madeley’s to blame?).

Speaking of whom, whenever you see photographs of them together, it looks like Madeley with his mother, doesn’t it?

The Edge also understands there’s been numerous rumours in gossip mags about Finnigan having a bit of a drink problem.

These days a wordsmith, she says, “Writing is a solitary pursuit (hey, tell The Edge about it, Finnigan).

I’ve never ever enjoyed being famous. I’m quite shy and not in any sense an exhibitionist.”

Oh yeah? What about that time when one of her tits popped out as she was on stage receiving an award? You canna get much more

www.theedgemag.co.uk

of an exhibitionist than that, can you?

She sort of looks like a cross between the Queen’s Mum, gawd rest ’er soul, and, well, Les Dawson in drag, don’t you think?

And she always annoyingly tended to treat husband Madeley as though he were a delinquent child, but he’s alright. He was certainly the entertaining one. He’s also pretty daft at heart, and when he dressed up as Ali-G, this mag definitely warmed to him.

Fact is though, he could easily get himself a younger model, couldn’t he, eh?

Now all you ladies out there will probably answer that one by saying: “Oh, don’t be so ’orrible, Edge” whereas blokes will just say it like it is and go, “Yeah, he could that.”

But The Edge wishes Finnigan well (it doesn’t, but you’re expected to say crap like that, aren’t you?) and is relieved she is no longer on our screens as it was always pretty uncomfortable watching her as her hands never stopped shaking.

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The Edge 224_The Edge 172.qxd 23/05/2015 11:56 Page 10

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THE HAIRY MONSTER FUNERAL DIRECTORS SHOW My friend Claire invited me to her ‘works do’ a while back and on the basis that one should never turn down a freebie, I gladly accepted. It was an all-day event, held in Warwickshire, and we duly arrived at Stoneleigh Park exhibition centre around 11am. At this point I should mention that Claire is a funeral director and one of the funniest ladies I have ever known, and the outing was to the Funeral Directors Show. Quite frankly, it was one of the best days out I've had in ages. The funeral industry may conjure up images of sombre, ashen-faced men in black coats and top hats, but the reality is quite different.

For a start, half the funeral directors are women, the industry really embraces new ideas, and the funeralesque humour is fantastic, if a tad somewhat dark at times. There were horse-drawn hearses and traditional Rolls-Royce hearses, as well as others based on sports-cars and motor cycles, pet coffins (including one for a giraffe and another for a crocodile), environmentally friendly coffins and many funeral accessories. More importantly for me, there was free food and drink (they call it hospitality - but in my case it’s called gluttony). The day literally sped by, although there was one eye-watering incident when one of our group, Don, opted to try the hot chilli dip named 'Death'.

Despite warnings from the stall-holder, Don insisted ‘the hotter, the better’ and dipped his Dorito deep into the bowl. Seconds later he went bright red, started to choke and was, for once in his life, totally unable to speak. Realising his plight, Claire rushed over with a fruit smoothie, then another, and yet another (I would've helped but I was too busy pissing myself laughing). We eventually took him to a quiet room to recover but, unknown to us, it was actually a bereavement counselling area where a very nice lady, assuming his silence was due to extreme grief, spent 20 minutes consoling him. When he eventually regained the power of speech, Don's first words were, “I can't feel my eyebrows.” I can truthfully say I loved every minute of the day and despite the long journey, I had a thoroughly enjoyable time, although poor Don has somewhat less positive memories. The best thing for me was definitely the Funeral Humour stand where they were selling undertaker's aprons which read: 'All men are cremated equal'.

INTERESTING CONVERSATION I had an interesting conversation with a supervisor at my local supermarket early one morning. Wheeling my trolley to the checkout, I was told that they were short of staff so I'd have to use a self-service checkout. I explained that I had no intention of being an unpaid checkout operator for his store, any more than I would expect my passengers to take the wheel of the bus I was driving.

He smiled and told me I had no choice but to use the self-service till, only then I reminded him that the staff shortage was his problem, not mine, and before he had a chance to respond I pointed out that if I now abandoned my trolley full of shopping it would take him considerably longer to replace every item back on the shelves than to operate the till himself. He spoke not a single word as he checked out my shopping and it occurred to me that I'd really hate to meet a tosser like me during the course of my working day.

LE PLAN Over the past three years I have learnt never to make any plans when I take my motorhome abroad. It was my first foreign adventure, back in 2012, which dictated that future forays would have to be random acts of travel. Having taken the night ferry from Dover, and intending to head to Barcelona, I decided to park up at a service area twenty miles from Calais which is when I realised that I had forgotten two crucial items - maps and pillows. After a few hours sleep, I followed the signs for Paris and arrived at the Peripherique ring road just in time for the rush hour. Driving a 25 foot long motorhome with a motorcycle trailer attached through the crowded streets of central Paris is no fun when everyone else is wide awake and you are starting to feel the effects of sleep deprivation. After an hour or so I was hopelessly lost and starting to worry that I would fall asleep at the wheel, when I saw the exit sign for 'Porte d'Italie'. I remembered this junction from years before when I used to drive coaches to the Costa Brava, so I exited and the relief at heading away from Paris seemed to wake me up and I was able to follow an all but empty road for around three hours. I'm not sure how far I'd travelled before I noticed that the motorhome's shadow was on the right when, surely, it should have been on the left. So I pulled into the next service station and checked the information board outside. Yes, I'd somehow managed to drive in a 180 degree loop and was now heading back towards Calais. I had spent eight hours at the wheel and was just 45 miles from where I'd entered the country. So I never made it to Barcelona. But over the course of the next six weeks I drove through France, Spain, Portugal and Gibraltar, over to North Africa, and all without any maps, simply because it was so much more fun to just get up and drive without any idea of where I'd be at the end of each day. Upon my return to England, I decided that all future trips would have no set timetable or route.

After all, your plan can't go wrong if you don't have a plan, can it?

Page 10

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The evening, organised by Amanda Lucia and Trudie Hawkins, consisted of live singing from Hairitage staff member Hannah Paris and Georgia Allen, raffle prizes, tombola, canapés, champagne, and donations on the door.

Jo Swanson, who is a therapist at Hairitage, said, “The event was a huge success. It was also a joint effort as we were also celebrating our fourth birthday as an established salon in Chelmsford.”

Amanda and Trudie would like to thank the local businesses and community for their kind donations with prizes received from Fish Bros. Jewellers, The National Theatre Company, Another Level Medispa, Tiptree Jam, Recess Cafe, a canteen store, Bbs coffee & muffins , Olio’s and many, many more to support such a fantastic evening for a fantastic cause that is very much close to all of the minds and hearts at Hairitage.

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The Edge 224_The Edge 172.qxd 23/05/2015 12:45 Page 13

Next time you’re in Brighton Next time you’re in Brighton - because we all love the seaside, don’t we, and you can’t really call the South East coast the ‘proper seaside’, can you? - make sure you visit Bucket & Spade on the seafront promenade, readers.

This beachside cafe is ideally situated and forms part of the old Victorian Arches underneath the Kings Road, right next to a children’s play area and paddling pool. It’s open for breakfast, lunch and dinner and me and Mrs Edge absolutely love it!

Considering it’s superb location, their prices are remarkably reasonable. For instance, you can enjoy a full English breakfast for just £7.50 (or a light cooked breakfast for just £4.95) plus a 9oz latte to wash it all down with (£2.20).

For lunch, what about a nice light freshly prepared chicken caesar salad for just £5.50 inc. smoked bacon, parmesan and homemade croutons. Whilst for dinner, oh boy, why not ‘splash out’ on a Bucket Burger (in a lightly toasted bun, plus fries, homemade relish and salad) all for just £7.95. Oh, and not forgetting a wine list that will hardly scare the pants off you.

Check out the Bucket & Spade on Trip Advisor if you won’t take The Edge’s word for it - “A great little cafe my husband and I stumbled upon. It’s a proper little gem...” says someone who completely agrees with The Edge!

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The Edge 224_The Edge 172.qxd 23/05/2015 12:59 Page 14

PAUL HOLLYWOOD Look how svelte Paul Hollywood used to be (left), readers, before he got stuck into far too many pies.

Mind you, heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s certainly earnt himself some decent dough from all that bread heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s been baking over the years, as when Mrs Edge saw him up at the Cressing Temple Barns Food Festival a couple of years ago, he was driving a lovely Aston Martin.

P13 MAN (Pie Man) I think she said the registration plate was.

Or was it F4 TTY (Fatty)?

Ladies love him though, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t you, ladies? Although you went off him a bit when he had that fling with that strumpet whilst he was doing a bit of filming over in the USA a while back, didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t you just?

Yes, you didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t like him so much then. But fortunately heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s managed to twinkle his baby blues at Mrs Hollywood and theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re back in tandem together once again.

Speaking of the Temple Barns Food Festival, advance tickets are reportedly selling like hot cakes for this years weekend extravaganza in July, so youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d better not delay if you want to give it a whirl.

And if the Essex Chronicle should feel kindly disposed to send The Edge a couple of complimentaries for this right riveting plug, then please go right ahead and do so, as this mag honestly thinks itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a blinding weekend event.

The Darkness at BROWNSTOCK Remember The Darkness, readers? From Lowestoft?

Justin Hawkins and all of that â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;I Believe In A Thing Called Loveâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; malarkey?

The Edge thought they were ace, but then heard that theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d packed it all in as a bad job because Hawkins thought he might kill himself, due to not being able to resist all of the considerable excesses that a life spent in show business has to offer.

But no, they apparently havenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t kicked the fast lane into touch - or if they had then theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve certainly got their act back together again as The Darkness are the â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;headline artistsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; performing at the Brownstock Festival on Sunday 12th July.

Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s that all about?

But itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s certainly jolly good news in The Edgeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s humble opinion.

7KH :H ULQJ \RX EDFN 3DUWQHUVKLS :K\ XVH 7KH +RPH 3DUWQHUVKLS" 6LPSOH ROG IDVKLRQHG VHUYLFH ZKHQ \RX QHHG LW WKH PRVW St.Thomas Gate, St. Thomas Road BRENTWOOD Essex CM14 4DB Tel: 01277 218821 brentwood@thehomepartnership.co.uk

11 Duke Street CHELMSFORD Essex CM1 1HL Tel: 01245 250222 chelmsford@thehomepartnership.co.uk

Residential Sales, Lettings & Property Management Page 14

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S H A R K I’d been looking forward to watching the BBC’s ‘Shark’ series (only the first of three viewed at the time of writing) and my god, it didn’t disappoint.

This is what we pay our TV license fees for and what a privilege it was to see creatures that I don’t ever want to see anywhere near me while I’m having a paddle and a 99 down on Brighton seafront.

Above is the Tasselled Wobbegong which The Edge didn’t even know existed, let alone the fact that it’s a member of the shark family - and it’s a sneaky bugger at that, as it lies in wait, camouflaged in underwater (obviously) cave entrances, wiggling its tail to give the impression that fish are swimming deeper inside the cave, then BANG - it gobbles an approaching fish whole in the blink of an eye. Seriously, the Tasselled Wobbegong is flower power gone mad and this fish wouldn’t look out of plaice (bum-bum) flouncing down Carnaby Street back in the swinging sixties.

And what about those right crafty sharks (I forget which ones in particular) working together as a team to ‘round up’ cowboy style a whole shoal of (herring? anchovies? tuna? what were they?) ickler fish and bringing them up to the surface before they all tucked in for a right fishy dinner? Amazing stuff.

Sharks are the oceans greatest hunters and such is their superior design that they have hardly changed over the past 400 million years.

If you truly want to put that into some sort of perspective, just remember the Morris Marina and how very quickly that was abandoned as a bad job.

Furthermore, none of the divers filming ‘Shark’ were attacked. Not even nibbled. Not once. So maybe they really are a bit misunderstood?

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The Edge 224_The Edge 172.qxd 23/05/2015 13:14 Page 18

WHAT A TO DO!

OK, so you’re probably aware of the story by now, readers.

Family friendly Epping Ongar Railway Station, famous (locally at least) for its steam trains, allows American company Brazzers to shoot a 28-minute ‘hardcore schoolgirl porn flick’ (well, the strumpet was dressed like a schoolgirl at any rate) in one of its old wooden carriages and predictably, once word got out, mums and dads are ‘outraged’. At least, that’s what they claim to be.

Meanwhile, the top brass at the station have equally predictably apologised, because that’s what you’ve got to be seen to be doing, isn’t it?

But why did they have to apologise?

It’s not as though there were mums, dads and ickle kiddiwinkles on the train at the time the video was shot, is it? So really, why such a big hoo-haa?

Incidentally readers, the flick in question has already been watched around 250,000 times on-line, so clearly it is not offending everyone.

But let’s get down to the crux of the matter, shall we, which is money.

For starters, The Edge very much doubts that the Epping Ongar Railway approached Brazzers, so it’s clearly safe to surmise that it was the other way around and that a sum of money was offered, in a brown paper package tied up with string, across a table in the buffet. Which the Epping Ongar Railway decided to accept, as they were pretty much looking a gift-horse in the mouth and are totally self-funding.

And no doubt the station was closed for a day while the shooting occurred, or perhaps it was just closed for half-a-day? But really, who cares.

Because this is all very much by-the-by when the bottom-line is that they managed to create some (presumably much needed) wealth in order to help keep the station afloat so that mums and dads and their ickle kiddiwinkles can continue to enjoy it in the future.

So a job well done, or at least that’s what all right-minded folk must have thought. Only what gets The Edge is all the others. Yep, all those with mock

Page 18

horror written all over their frigid, frustrated faces, wombling about, claiming to be outraged. Yes, outraged.

No they bloody well weren’t. They were excited, that’s what they were.

Excited because The Edge’ll bet that bugger-all much happens in Ongar and this gave them all an ideal opportunity to start yakking about, well, just how positively outraged, shocked and outraged some more they all were.

Here’s a typical bit of bullshit: “Mum-of-two, Breda Tightbottom, of Rainham (what’s someone living in Rainham got to do with it?), said it did not seem right that the railway should present itself as a family attraction and then allow the filming of ‘an orgy train’.

She went on to say that she would ‘think twice’ before taking her children to the railway station (oh, so clearly she’s never even been then, nor has she ever had any intention of taking her kids there) after what had gone on, as she found the whole thing to be ‘completely disgusting’.

What an insightful and gloriously predictable attitude to take. Only clearly it wasn’t ‘disgusting’ when Mrs Tightbottom conceived her children, was it?

Nor, The Edge suspects, was it hypocritical of her to show off her new king-sized divan to the local vicar, when just the other night she’d had the Robinson’s down from Wolverhampton for a spot of dinner, followed by a bit of arduous wife-swapping on the old posturised-sprung mattress in question that lasted well into the early hours of the following morning (perhaps?).

The Edge’s point is this: if you truly want to be outraged about something, then by all means be outraged, but for God’s sake hit a decent target and make it a worthy crusade, instead of all this spurious wallowing in mock outrageousness simply to brighten up your dreary, tedious lives.

As a more liberal-headed local commented, “I actually feel a bit sorry for them (the Epping Ongar Railway). After all, they were probably only told that some steamy scenes would take place with lots of shunting. Hey, it’s an easy mistake to have made.”

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Charity Football

Last month I was asked to play in a ‘celebrity’ football match at Colchester United's Weston Homes Community Stadium to help raise funds for the charity MIND (http://www.mind.org.uk/). The event has become an annual fixture for a group of friends, colleagues and ex teammates to relive former glories and to raise money for very worthy causes.

I'm not much of a footballer myself, which is mainly due to having the same turn of pace as an oil tanker, but the prospect of playing a game at an actual, real-life football league ground proved too much to resist. The event itself is extremely well organised and is growing in popularity every year, which has resulted in bigger crowds and, in turn, more support for the charities.

To be brutally honest, the actual standard on the day wasn’t quite up to football league standards, but it was probably better than what is normally served up by Colchester United. Regardless of the individual skills of the players involved, the two teams, FC Beercalona and Real-Ale Madrid, always come up with just enough quality to produce a well-contested and most watchable tussle.

Former TOWIE regular Dan Osbourne and X-Factor’s Steve Ritchie came along for the day to boost the event’s ‘celebrity’ status. Admittedly we could have had a better turn out in that regard, but to their credit, both Dan and Steve ‘done their bit to keep the crowd ’appy’. In particular, Steve was a true entertainer and, despite not being the best singer in the world, you

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could certainly see that he possessed that much sought after ‘X’ factor. Dan, on the other hand, was a little bit more reserved and left it down to his football to do the talking for him. As it turns out, he’s actually a decent player, albeit one who seemingly has superglue on his boots, given his reluctance to pass.

The ground started to fill up fairly quickly just after we arrived as hundred's of tickets had been sold. I was honestly so excited to get on with the game that I felt like a kid at Christmas, but unfortunately

and, in all honestly, I didn’t think anyone or anything could dampen my spirits.

Unfortunately, that feeling was only short lived as my excitement was soon replaced by sheer embarrassment as the kit man explained that he had ordered medium sized kits for everyone as he wasn’t sure of individual sizes. Standing at 6’ 2” and weighing a somewhat portly 16 stones, I was never going to be a pretty sight in a far too small kit.

I literally had to squeeze into it and, after a short period on the bench, took to the

me

for me, our gaffer decided that I would best be served as a sub, so my eagerness and excitement had to be curtailed.

Naturally I was disappointed to be dropped, but I consoled myself with the thought that the manager was inexperienced and just too blinkered to notice my cultured footballing ability amongst a team of ‘hoofballers’. However, the sad likelihood is that his decision to drop me was probably based on the fact that I turn even slower than a pint of milk.

Despite this small set back I was determined to make the most of my day out

Billy Hinken

field looking like one of those models in the tabloids with a painted on affair. I have to be honest and tell you it was not a particularly flattering look and nor was it in any way beneficial to my limited playing ability. The problem I had, you see, is that every time I went to kick the ball, I nearly lost a testicle as a result of my shorts restrictively digging into my nether regions. What's worse is that once I had actually managed to have a few kicks I had to spend the next few minutes readjusting my ‘boys into their barracks’, whilst my bottom had seemingly developed a hungry appetite for my shorts.

Despite my excuses and my almost nonexistent contribution to the game, RealAle Madrid ran out 4-1 winners on the day. To be fair it was a fairly decent game of football and actually a lot closer than the final score suggests. One thing I can vouch for is that feeling of winning any sporting event. Regardless of the standard, the circumstances, or your opponents, it still leaves you with a very satisfying glow. And that’s why, for as long as I am still able to trot my considerable frame around and kick a bag of air, I will continue with my attempts to play the beautiful game.

If anyone has any suggestions as to how we can improve next year’s event, and in turn help raise even more money for charity, please let me know @billyhinken.

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MOTCO

Man on the Clapham Omnibus

Las Vegas : The lady is a tramp After flying over barren desert mountain ranges for a very long time, it all happens so quickly. Nothing to see except wilderness, so I turn and say to my wife: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s absolutely nothing down there.â&#x20AC;? Only when I turn back, out of seemingly nowhere thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s an entire city below; it really is that quick.

There is no reason, other than entertainment and hedonism, for this place to exist where it does. It probably is the greatest example of â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;build it and they will comeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; ever. The airport is at the end of the main strip, right next to one of the major hotels. I have honestly walked further to a gate at Heathrow.

The end of the runway is literally where Vegas starts.

So letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s cut to the quick. It is trash, and trashy, and thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s exactly why you go there. What you see is very much what you get. Vegas is as subtle as Bruce Forsythâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s wig. Think casinos. Think â&#x20AC;&#x153;Bond, James Bondâ&#x20AC;?, in a tuxedo, casually and stylishly lighting a Turkish cigarette with a silver Dunhill lighter. But no, build lovely and outrageous hotels and let people gamble in wife-beater vests and swimming shorts. The Americans are so obsessed with the whole â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;informality thingâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; that it is over compensated for and people go way too far.

It would be nice to be in a different age when one would dress for dinner and add some glamour. I am not advocating that, but some minimum dress code in the evenings in the nicer casinos would raise the game a bit, and certainly add a sense of occasion.

Then thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the young American adult. We have a win double with the American hang-up about â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;liquorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; and not being able to drink beer until you are 21. American society treats them as children until they are 21. The result is, of course, that they hit Vegas with a fake ID at 19 or 20 and go stupid; they act like a UK 15 year old, drunk with just a few pints of Woodpecker under their belt. Not a great boast for the UK, I agree, but the youngsters behaving like somebody who has just had their very first pint of sweet cider at a family wedding is not edifying. Why do they let them drive cars at 15, join the army and kill people at 18, but 'protect' them from alcohol until they are 21? The scenario. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Here you are, soldier. That was a tough mission.

You killed 50 of the enemy. Well done. Have a cold, errrr, erm, Pepsi to calm your nerves, sonny.â&#x20AC;?

Despite being 5,266 miles from our fair city, Vegas is somewhat oddly treated as a short break destination. That means cramming in as much in as is humanly possible in the shortest amount of time. But hereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the rub.

Moving about in LV is very hard work. The four mile strip has pavements as crowded as Oxford Street on 24th December, but itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s hotter. Much, much hotter!

The road is six lanes wide and crossing it on foot in the time allocated is a challenge on a set of sore plates.

Then there are the set pieces to see in the hotels. Trouble is, these all have their party piece out front, such as erupting volcanoes, water fountains etc., which means theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re a quarter-mile walk from the main drag. Once inside, in order to see the next spectacle, you have to pass through the casino, but that is why you are there in their eyes, and that is yet another quarter-mile hike. Because in Vegas, all things are accessed via the casino, so by the time you leave the pavement and return there, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s yet another mile on the clock. I have honestly walked less on a week long walking holiday in the Lake District than a four day break in LV, albeit being on much flatter ground.

Motty was there celebrating a special anniversary with Mrs Mott (how long?

Well, I would be a free man by now if Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d committed murder) and stumped up for dinner in the replica Eiffel Tower. Interestingly, in 2014 we had the good fortune to be at the top of both Paris and Las Vegas Eiffel Towers within three months of each other. Conclusion: both were full of Japanese tourists.

Las Vegas is a one trick pony, but like a well rehearsed mule, it does its trick very well. Go there to enjoy and most will. If LV was a woman, it would be the type a father wishes his teenage son would have a fling with, but never bring home to meet mum. It would be a â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;man secretâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;, because a mother would see it as the type of woman a son should stay away from, at all times, and never bring home!

Yours aye, Motty.

Lance James the Jewellers Offer

New Member of Team Edge

Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be surprised if you struggle to get past the queue of people outside Lance James the Jewellers on Wednesday 29th July, folks. This incredibly popular local jewellery store, which has traded in Chelmsford since 2004, is running its Bracelet Giveaway once again this summer.

This is the third giveaway that Lance James has promoted in The Edge, the first being way back in 2009. â&#x20AC;&#x153;These events are a really great way to introduce new exciting brands to our customers,â&#x20AC;? says Antony Rogers, MD of Lance James the Jewellers (Chelmsford), â&#x20AC;&#x153;and by advertising them in The Edge we know we are sure to spread the word. Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s more, if past events are anything to go by, we expect people to start queuing very early in the morning, so hereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s hoping for some favourable weather!â&#x20AC;?

Lance James are giving away 100 Endless Double Leather Bracelets in rose, mint, lavender or white - colours which are, The Edge is reliably informed, exceptionally on trend this summer. The bracelets normally retail at ÂŁ45 each and can be worn as they are, or charms can be added from a range on sale in store. So if you want to get your mitts on a freebie, simply collect all three vouchers (voucher 1 is reprinted below because weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re nice like that (originally printed last month) and voucher 2 is on page 7 this edition). But donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t forget to pick up a July Edge hot off the press for the third and final voucher next month, folks!

Then all you have to do then is set your alarm clocks for very early on Wednesday 29th July - and donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t forget to bring along your vouchers.

Full terms & conditions are available in store. Lance James will offer a ÂŁ30 discount on the promotion bracelet to customers with only two differently numbered vouchers. Offer limited to one per household.

Local chap Ben Churchett (see his excellent caricature on page 3 this month) is a Chelmsford lad whoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s been drawing all his life.

He creates his caricatures freehand on an iPad programme called ArtStudio, which he says, â&#x20AC;&#x153;...is pretty basic, but it works OK for me.â&#x20AC;?

Ben used to draw the traditional way, on paper, until he discovered the app about two-and-a-half years ago. Ben says, â&#x20AC;&#x153;ArtStudio makes it far easier to erase and add solid colour. Of course there are programmes that are far more sophisticated out there, and way more advanced, but I like to draw on the go, so it suits me just fine.â&#x20AC;?

Ben can create any celebrity caricature, if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d like one doing to put in a frame and hang on your wall at home, readers? But it was his far more personal caricatures that The Edge took a shine to, hence the all new â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Local Caricaturesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; theme that will be appearing on page 3 over the coming months/editions. â&#x20AC;&#x153;People like having a caricature drawn of themselves,â&#x20AC;? says Ben, â&#x20AC;&#x153;and I do them for special occasions, such as birthdays, anniversaries, posters, wedding invites, you name it really.â&#x20AC;?

And Benâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s favourite? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Oh, I just love drawing people with really strong features as I can proper get stuck in then. At the end of the day, it generally makes for a far better caricature as well.â&#x20AC;?

Ben says he has always preferred drawing caricatures rather than doing serious portraits, â&#x20AC;&#x153;as you are far less bound by the rules of proportion, which means you can have much more funâ&#x20AC;?.

Ben has always wanted to be a full-time artist, but modestly says itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s an incredibly competitive market with much better talent than him out there doing some incredible stuff.

He also does â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;character based artâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;, such as album work.

Meanwhile, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s The Edgeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s job to pick and choose the local subjects, so whoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll be next? â&#x20AC;&#x153;No, Tony (Appleton), pipe down, bloke. You get enough publicity as it is, fella!â&#x20AC;?

See page 3 next month, folks.

Caricaturist Ben Churchett

VOUCHER 1 VOUCHER Chelmsfor Chelmsf ord are giving away away 100 free Endless leather awa Lance James The Jewellers Jewellers Chelmsford bracelets worth (charms included). luded). brace lets w orth ÂŁ45 (c harms not inc ouchers 1, 2 & 3 fr om this magazine in May, May, June May June and Collect vvouchers from JJuly uly editions and rredeem edeem them at Lance James The Jewellers Jewellers Chelmsford in C helmsford on on Wednesday Wednesday 29th 29th July July 2015.

2015. We We have have 100 100 only) lavender givee lav vender and mint to giv bracelets (size 40 onl y) in white, white, rrose, ose, la DZD\ RQ D Ă&#x20AC;UVW FRPH Ă&#x20AC;UVW VHUYHG EDVLV 2IIHU OLPLWHG WR RQH DZD\ RQ D Ă&#x20AC;UVW FRPH Ă&#x20AC;UVW VHUYHG EDVLV 2IIHU OLPLWHG WR RQH per person. Full T Terms aree available erms & Conditions ar available in store. store.

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Good Season?

WORLD RECORD TIME - MARATHON

A supersized Katy Perry The Edge brought you a touch of David Lopera’s supersizing in last months issues and just couldn’t resist sharing this one with you too, readers.

But the question begs, just what was it like being married to Russell Brand for all of 14 months?

The Edge appreciates he’s an Essex lad and all, but honestly, it’ll bet it was a complete and utter nightmare.

Brand strikes one as needing to be the centre of attention permanently with no if's or but’s about it.

Apparently, he broke Katy Perry’s heart, although surely she feels well shut of him now.

But 14 months? How can any sane couple only be married for 14 months? Just goes to show.

I’ve just read that the fastest time that anyone has ever completed a marathon is in just two hours, two minutes and 57 seconds....and it wasn’t, strangely enough, Eddie Izzard....although he did put on a bloody good show and continues to do so every time he sets foot on stage in those heels of his.

So let’s get this right; a marathon is 26 miles + pretty much a ‘victory lap’ around a running track, right (42.195 kilometres)? So say we round that down to 26 miles exactly, you are looking at a time of 4.73 minute miles EVERY FECKING MILE. My God, that puts this mornings 55 minute HSS (hot shoe shuffle) into solemn perspective, so it does (as the Irish might say). By Christ, I’d do well to do a marathon in six hours....and no doubt I’d pick up an injury, as I’m as brittle as a stale white dog turd these days, so let’s call it 8 hours from start to finish.

Bloody hell, I just don’t know how it’s possible, even for a Kenyan (of course the record was set by a fecking Kenyan; Dennis Kimetto in Berlin in September of 2014 to be precise).

Trouble is, they’re now talking about when (rather than if) the two hour barrier will be broken.

It’s ludicrous.

I could cycle it though, couldn’t I? Surely?

Maybe.

BIRD SHIT I don’t know about you, readers, but bird shit is seriously starting to piss me off.

The white stuff is bad enough, but when it’s got all that purply-black shite inside it and it lands on the roof or the bonnet of your car,it drives me round the twist.

From my own personal point of view, I think I’ve narrowed it down to either doves or pigeons (I don’t know why, but I hate them the most) as the both of ’em are merely dumb flying faeces-carriers to my mind.

Leave it on your paintwork too long and the bugger even leaves a mark like some sort of ‘shit tattoo’ (what’s all that about)?

Birds actually poop and piss at exactly the same time/rate, so it arrives on our paintwork in one weird, ’orrible mess.

What’s more, birds have a cloac instead of a penis or a vagina.

I try not to talk about footie in The Edge as I’m aware that for as many of you out there who like it, there’s an equal amount who don’t.

By all accounts it was a so-so Premiership campaign this time around, with the eventual winners rightly being forecast not long into the new year, which is never any good when it’s so predictable.

But who were the real winners, other than Chelski?

Certainly Arsenal, whether or not they win the F.A. Cup final (result not yet known at the time of going to print) as a third place finish certainly trumps finishing fourth.

Southampton, most people’s tip for the drop at the start of the campaign, have been marvellous and they are a tribute to their academy.

Swansea, without a shadow of a doubt and their best Premiership finish to date with a manager who’s still wet behind his lug ’oles.

Ditto Stoke (Mark Hughes was incredibly harshly treated to lose his job at City), Palace (Pardew’s clearly an even better manager now that he’s vacated the Barcodes), WBA (definite relegation candidates before ‘Pulis the Saviour’ arrived) and Leicester (OMG Leicester!).

But surely Sunderland and Villa cannot view ‘avoiding relegation’ as the hallmark of their ambitions?

So it’s all on the last day as to whether Hull City or Newcastle survive. It’s ‘advantage geordies’ going into the game, but stranger things have happened at sea.

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The Edge 224_The Edge 172.qxd 23/05/2015 13:15 Page 22

ONLY JOKING! NEIGHBOUR

I saw my dwarf neighbour sat at the bus stop.

"Jump in," I said, "and I'll drop you off at home.

"Piss off," he replied.

"Suit yourself," I said, as I straightened my back-pack and carried on walking.

ONE OF THE HORSES As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of Central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses and continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons. All is going swimmingly well until suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendously earth shattering fart ever heard throughout the Empire. What’s more, the smell is so truly atrocious that both of the passengers in the carriage are forced to use handkerchiefs to cover their nose.

The Queen politely turns to President Obama and says, "Mr. President, please accept one’s sincerest regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be ‘Presidential’, responds, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I actually thought it was one of the horses."

WIFE & KIDS I never see my wife and kids anymore because of my gambling. I won shit loads of money and moved to Spain.

IF ONLY WOMEN TRUSTED THEIR HUSBANDS A wife comes home early from a trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. Under the blanket she sees four legs. So she quickly runs to her son's room, grabs his baseball bat, returns and starts yelling and hitting the blanket repeatedly.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes downstairs to the kitchen and pours herself a large glass of wine.

Her husband ambles in from the living-room

reading the newspaper.

“Oh, hello my love,” he says. “Nice trip? Your parents have come to visit, so I put them in our room as they fancied a nap.”

NOT WORKING Returning from the golf course the wife had left a note on the refrigerator, which read: ‘IT'S NOT WORKING. I can't take it anymore.

Gone to stay with my sister.’

So the chap opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was still cold.

What on earth had she been talking about?

GUTS OR BALLS There is a medical distinction between ‘Guts’ and ‘Balls’ and medical colleagues have been overheard referring to people with both.

Do they, however, seriously know the difference between them?

Here’s the official distinction, straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by the wife with a broom in her hands, and having the ‘guts’ to ask: “Are you still cleaning, my love, or are you just flying off somewhere?”

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the lads, reeking of perfume and beer, with lashings of lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on her arse and having the ‘balls’ to say: “Your turn next, fatty.'

I trust this clears up any confusion.

BIG PEOPLE WORDS A group of recent previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that their teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Christopher what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No! You went to visit your GRANDMOTHER, you big girl’s blouse. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Elizabeth what she had done.

"I went for a ride on a choo-choo."

"No! You took a trip on a train. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked Jeremy what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"Oh that's WONDERFUL," the teacher cried.

"And what was it called?"

Young Jeremy thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest and with great pride he blurted, "Winnie the Shit."

MIDDLE-AGED You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.

PADDY PARKING Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking space. Looking up to heaven via the roof-lining of his car, he said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking space I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me loife and give up me Irish Whiskey.”

Miraculously, a parking space appeared. So Paddy immediately looked up again and said, “Never moind, I’ve just found one.”

A CHICKEN & EGG SITUATION A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its

face. The egg, meanwhile, is looking a bit pissed off, grabs the duvet cover, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered that particular question."

BLACK-EYED BOB Bob, an undertaker, recently came home from work with a black eye.

“What happened to you?” asked his wife.

“I had a terrible day,” Bob replied. “I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. Only when I got there, the manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag because he had such a huge erection. So anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy laying on the bed with a massive stalk on.

So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to bend it in half.”

“I see,” said his understanding wife. “That must have been awful. But how did you get the black eye?”

Bob replied, ”Wrong room.”

GOOD LORD! An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and sees an empty wine bottle in the passenger footwell.

So he says, “Have you been drinking, sir?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He's done it again!'“

Q&A Q. What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection?

A. A quarter pounder with cheese.

QUIET ROMANTIC DINNER A man and a woman are having a nice, quiet, romantic dinner together. They are gazing lovingly into each others eyes and are holding hands across the table.

The waitress, taking an order at a few tables away, suddenly notices the woman slowly sliding down her chair and underneath the table, whilst the man stares straight ahead as if in a state of shock.

The waitress, imagining such behaviour to be a bit risque for a high class restaurant and worried that it might offend other diners, goes over to the table and tactfully begins by saying to the man, "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man swallows hard and whispers, "Actually, she’s just walked through the door."

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 224_The Edge 172.qxd 23/05/2015 13:15 Page 23

IMPRESSIVE NEW SORENTO

gearbox version surprisingly accelerates from 0-62mph in just 9 seconds, which is half-a-second quicker than the automatic version. The gearbox is also satisfyingly smooth whilst the engine, offering 441Nm of torque, clearly offers more than enough power.

The all new Kia Sorento is now available at Westdrive in Braintree (see page 2).

This third-generation Sorento enjoys new and innovative technologies and boasts some major strides in engineering, refinement and quality. A seven-seater SUV with an EU6 diesel engine and all-wheel drive as standard, all for just £28,795.

Previous versions have appealed to a diverse range of customers, so this thirdgeneration Sorento is bound to change the way people view the Kia brand as it is better equipped, more refined, more stylish and far more technologically advanced than ever before. Safety and convenience technologies new to the model include Blind Spot Detection, Rear Cross Traffic Alert, Lane Departure Warning, Advanced Cruise Control, Around View Motoring and Speed Limit Information. Powered by an EU6complaint 2.2-litre turbodiesel engine, it is also more fuel-efficient and environmentally friendly.

The all-new Sorento is longer, lower and wider than the previous model, thanks to an all-new platform, whilst an extended wheelbase creates greater room in all three rows of seats. Minutely detailed body and chassis engineering work has resulted in a car which is not only more engaging to drive, but also much more refined to travel in.

John Palfree of Westdrive Kia said, ”I’m thrilled to announce that the all-new Kia Sorento is now available in Braintree. We very much look forward to welcoming both old and new customers alike for a test-drive.”

“Opting for the manual gearbox over the automatic version also helps bring down the running costs as emissions drop from 174g/km to 149g/km. You can expect to achieve around 48mpg with the manual version, as compared to 42mpg in the optional auto equivalent.

But don’t take Westdrive’s views as gospel, readers, because they’re bound to say it’s the bee’s knees, aren’t they. However, it seems that the motoring press are equally enthralled.

Here’s what Auto Express has to say...

“The all new Kia Sorento is now closer to its rivals than it has ever been before. The styling is smart, the interior is better than any previous Kia, and the gearbox/engine combination is very strong indeed. The improved practicality also makes it more appealing to growing families, particularly with its ever-present seven-year warranty cover for added benefit of security.

“Whilst the Sorento might feel big, the light steering helps when moving in tight spots. And speaking of big, the load carrying space has been upped from 515 litres to 605 litres with the third row of seats folded. The second row of seats folds completely flat which is particularly handy when sliding longer objects in for transportation. There’s also an under floor storage compartment in the boot-floor to boot!

“Rear passenger space is very impressive, with enough headroom and legroom for even the tallest of occupants.”

“Whereas in the past the Sorento’s priorities were seemingly more about practicality and value, this new model offers added style, quality and refinement.

And if all that wasn’t enough, the Honest John website pretty much concurs, adding for good measure... “The third-generation Sorento is longer, wider, lower and more aggressive thanks to its new ‘tiger-nose’ grille and muscular wheel-arches - than ever before, and with even more interior space too.”

“From inside the car, the 2.2 litre diesel engine is barely audible, whilst the 6-speed manual

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The Edge 224_The Edge 172.qxd 23/05/2015 13:15 Page 24

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Supervet Noel Fitzpatrick is simply one super human being, as well as being an incredible ‘bionic’ vet, and The Edge doesn’t even like (most) animals.

You have seen him on the box, surely, readers? Fixing poorly pooches, horses with their hand-brakes stuck on, and cats suffering from excessive banjo playing etc.

He’s got this unbelievably kitted-out, state-of-the-art practice in Surrey where he literally fixes some of the hardest-to-cure pets imaginable by making them ‘bionic’ with proper pioneering surgery.

Bachelor Fitzpatrick reportedly fancies the arse off Keira Knightley, after whom he has named his border terrier, Bitch (he even refers to his dog as his “little furry wife” so Christ only knows what goes on after lights out).

Either way, James Herriot can go and feck himself as The Edge knows who it’d rather watch.

Spotted on a tube-train, surely the most embarrassing jacket since Alan Partridge turned up at a funeral in a black bomber jacket with ‘Castrol GTX’ written on the back.

Just what the hell is ‘Raised by Wolves’ all about? And if you have been, isn’t it something you ought to keep to yourself, rather than announcing it to all and sundry?

I know we can’t all like the same clobber, but dear-oh-dear, this fella’s a walking disaster zone....only look at matey (bottom right), raising himself out of his seat in order to get a better look as he’s just got a plain black jacket with a load of space on the back that could have said....

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Most nights these days your editor gets woken up during the middle of the night from a kidney punch thrown by its missus.

“WHA’THE FECK...WHA’THAT FOR?” I invariably groan.

“You were snoring again,” she sighs, utterly hissed off.

You see, it’s the ‘again’ bit that’s the crux of the matter as it’s fast becoming a regular habit of mine, so I am told, although I never hear it myself.

Sometimes when she wakes me (bearing in mind that I’m causing her precious sleepless moments, if not entire sleepless nights), if I’m quick enough, I’ll bark at her, “NO I FECKING WASN’T’, just to wind her up.

I read in the ’paper recently that snoring can also be an early warning sign of dementia and the report went on to say: ‘People with breathing problems whilst asleep are more likely to experience an early decline in memory...’ and I immediately thought, ‘That’s me, is that’, because I can’t remember stuff for toffee these days either.

Hey, getting older is just a barrel of laughs, I tell thee, readers.

The report went on to say: ‘The onset of Alzheimer’s might be accelerated among those with sleeping problems.’

Thing is though, it’s not a problem for me, so maybe it’s my wife who might get Alzheimer’s early, seeing as though she’s the one who’s experiencing difficulties with the/our newfound situation.

I used to snore if I’d had a skinful (once again, apparently), but to snore when you haven’t is just not sexy at all, is it?

She’s even recorded me snoring on her mobile ’phone, then played it back to me over breakfast, which was touching of her, I thought.

Worse still, I don’t just snore while I’m lying on my back, as I can (yet again, apparently) master the art in a variety of positions. #snoring

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The Edge 224_The Edge 172.qxd 23/05/2015 13:50 Page 25

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Bargain European Destinations I was reading in tut â&#x20AC;&#x2122;paper about Sunny Beach in Bulgaria and how, if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re looking for a cheap European holiday resort, you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t go wrong there.

Only then I remembered, â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Bloody hell, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been!â&#x20AC;&#x2122; To be fair, we were stationed a bit further on than Sunny Beach - which is loud, brash and obvious, in The Edgeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s humble opinion - thankfully in a relatively quiet hotel out on a bit of a limb, only that didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t stop some of the blokes â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;dressing for dinnerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; in replica football shirts (OMG).

But tut article in tut â&#x20AC;&#x2122;paper was doing a bit of a price comparison, like they do.

For instance, a cup of coffee will supposedly set you back ÂŁ1.49 in Sorento, Italy (and the rest, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll bet) whereas at Sunny Beach itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll cost you just 78p. A bottle of local beer on the Costa del Sol is roughly ÂŁ1.49, but at Sunny Beach itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s just 59p (therefore, readers, â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;the more you drink, the more you saveâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;).

Nessebar Sunny Beach has just been named as Europeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s cheapest holiday destination, but The Edge wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t give you tuppence for it. Having said that, we visited it a fair few years ago and if we hadnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t (because we certainly wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be going back) weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d never have discovered Nessebar, which is an absolute gem (or â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;The Pearl of the Black Seaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; as the locals describe it). Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s kind of a quaint little island, although connected to the mainland by a narrow-ish road, if memory serves me correctly, which I have to admit Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m struggling with these days a bit. They also call it â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Bulgariaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Dubrovnikâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;, so maybe thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll give you an idea of how special it is, although once again, I wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t give you tuppence for Dubrovnik either, or Clovelly in Devon, as theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re nothing more than tourist traps (â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;trapâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; being the operative word), whereas Nessebar is full of natural charm. I remember we had a freshly cooked seafood lunch on the deck of a small rickety boat with as much local beer and wine as our stomachs could muster, only it ended up costing us practically nothing....so yeah, you do get a lot for your shilling in Bulgaria.

But back to Sunny (bloody) Beach and one of its plus points is that it boasts 300 days of sunshine per year, which is more than Miami Beach in Florida.

And if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not overly keen on Bulgaria in the summer, you can always take advantage of its attractive rates in the winter months and have a skiing holiday in Borovets instead (which is better than Pomparov, so says an Edge reader).

Surprisingly enough, the Algarve currently occupies second position when it comes to value-for-money holiday destinations in Europe. It must be all of 25 years since The Edge visited The Algarve and it absolutely loved it. It was remarkably good value for money way back then, so itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s good to know that itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s equally good value today as itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s quaint sandy coves are not to be missed.

Costa del Sol The Costa del Sol is, fortunately for The Edge, in third position in the value stakes, as thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s me only break that Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got to look forward to for the remainder of this year, and just 5 nights at that too (sob/blubber). We have friends who own a town house in a quaint little â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;villageâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; called Torrox, which is about a 45 minute drive east of Malaga, and the view from their sun terrace is pretty spectacular to say the least, I hope youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll agree, readers.

Indeed, when we went for a long weekend recently, we stayed up on their terrace until 4:00am on all three nights and were back up there again for breakfast at 9:00am sharp-ish the following mornings.

Torrox has also got a delightful village square where you can get a lovely (small) cup of coffee for but 1 Euro and a glass of wine The view from the house we rent in Torrox for 2 Euros, with streets so twee and delightful.

You think of the Costa del Sol and you think of all of the wrong things/places, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t you? Such as Torremolinos and Puerto Banus (which I bloody well hate). But you only need to mooch about a bit to discover all of its better bits and I cannot wait to actually spend a full day in Malaga, as itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s meant to be a â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Little Barcelonaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; these days.

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The Edge 224_The Edge 172.qxd 23/05/2015 13:50 Page 26

’ORRIBLE BOSSES ’Orrible Boss No 1: The Lost Lamb This is the poor soul who has risen through the ranks far too quickly and is now completely out of their depth. They literally have no idea what they are doing and are certainly not ready to manage other people. Their shortcomings should quickly be found out and they will hopefully tumble back down the corporate ladder as quickly as they came up it. In the meantime, be careful not to pick up their slack, therefore keeping them in denial of their own ineffectiveness and in the lofty managerial position that just isn’t right for them.

Favourite Quote: “I don’t know, what do you think?” ’Orrible Boss No 2: Miserable McMisery No-one expects people to be buoyant all the time, but how on earth do leaders expect to motivate staff when they are continually grumpy, stressed or angry? A Miserable McMisery can also be extremely unapproachable, meaning staff are unlikely to share any problems they have with projects, which can have a massive detrimental effect on productivity.

Don’t sink to their levels of despondency and try to keep the relationship as professional as possible.

Favourite Quote: “You decide, but it’s your fault if the shit hits the fan.” ’Orrible Boss No 3: The BFF Better known as everyone’s ‘best friend forever’, who hasn’t quite managed to strike the right balance between professionalism and camaraderie. They can’t fathom why befriending you on Facebook doesn’t really send the right message to the rest of the team. A bit like David Brent, they don’t really command the respect they crave and can’t understand why nobody takes them seriously in the workplace.

Favourite Quote: “Some people are intimidated when talking to large numbers of people in an entertaining way. Not me.”

Horrible Boss No 4: The Energiser Bunny This horrible boss makes you feel as if even your greatest efforts are barely 10% of what they achieve on a regular daily basis. Nicknamed the Energiser Bunny because they keep going and going and going; working late, getting in early and even working weekends.

They will think nothing of sending emails from their BlackBerry at 4:00am

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marked ‘URGENT’ and will always set the right example by getting into work even if their appendix has just been removed, or the office has been hit by a meteorite. Don’t try to compete. If they want to work themselves into an early grave, let them get on with it.

Favourite Quote: “Weekends are for wimps!”

Horrible Boss No 5: Terry Teflon Terry Teflons will take the credit when their team delivers the goods, but will be quick to point the finger when the same team messes up. They hide their lack of abilities by changing direction so frequently that people stop paying them any real attention. Remember that top-priority project launched last month? Well guess what, it’s been superseded by another lame-brain scheme Terry Teflon is sure will make all the difference this time around. Don’t be afraid to question the thought processes behind any Terry project, but remember, you are judged on execution as well as results, so sometimes you will have to go along with their bizarre requests.

Favourite Quote: “I told you so.”

Horrible Boss No 6: The Big Baby This is the boss who acts like a toddler, constantly whinging and complaining about their own boss to you. The way to manage a big baby is to ensure you don’t stoop to their level. Stay professional, positive and neutral. Eventually they will get the message that you are not a sympathetic ear and they will move on to another poor soul who will feel the brunt of their misery.

Favourite Quote: “Just be thankful you haven’t got a boss like mine.”

Horrible Boss No 7: The Climber The climber always has promotion at the forefront of their thoughts and is desperate to get to the top of the corporate ladder, no matter what it takes. Ultimately they will see you as just a piece of their jigsaw to achieve success and will trample over you if you ever get in their way.

The best way to manage the climber’s peacock-like ego is to tell them that you understand that your job is to make them look good and then try to step into their shoes as soon as they get that swift promotion.

Favourite Quote: “Let’s run that up the flagpole and see who salutes.”

Horrible Boss No 8: The Micro-Manager Possibly the one boss you would like to hit over the head with your keyboard more than any other, the micro-manager wants to manage everything. They obviously don’t trust your abilities and will constantly ask for updates on projects, therefore slowing down your productivity. The only way to deal with a micro-manager is to make them busy, but even that isn’t a guarantee. If they start timing your lunches, coffee breaks and toilet breaks, maybe it’s time to have a word before you embed that keyboard into their skull.

Favourite Quote: “You were a long time in the toilet. Have you had a dodgy curry, or something?”

Horrible Boss No 9: The Politician Also known simply as The Liar or The Weasel, this horrible boss is full of false promises. Never take anything they say at face value and always get documented evidence before they have a chance to backtrack. Ever been promised a £1,000 bonus per deal on a job? So you deliver 12 deals and start to think about a brand new car. But unfortunately, because the bonus scheme wasn’t captured in writing, this boss quickly backtracks and says it was a grand total of a £1,000 bonus, regardless of how many deals you managed to clinch. So make sure everything is detailed and in writing so that when they start to bend the truth, you always have a paper trail at the ready.

Favourite Quote: “No, no, you must have misunderstood me.”

Horrible Boss No 10: The Monster What’s that coming over the hill? The Monster is an even more despicable boss than The Micro-Manager could ever be. The Monster lives to make your life a living hell and boy, are they masters at it. The Monster will scream at you in front of customers and mock you in front of your fellow employees, knowing that you daren’t retort for fear of what they may further dish out. This archaic leadership-by-fear model has no place in the modern office and The Monster is thankfully becoming a dying breed. There really isn’t a way to manage The Monster. You either have to sit it out until they get found out and ejected from their position, or get out and go work some place else.

Favourite Quote: “Did I ask for your opinion?”

In summary, if you don’t get on with your boss it can be a real pain in the ass and your options might be limited. But don’t suffer in silence. Life is too short and if your problems are unresolvable, there are always other jobs out there.

Readers, feel free to get it off your chests and email The Edge if you are suffering under your own hideous boss. And naturally your anonymity is assured if you’d prefer to keep it that way.

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 224_The Edge 172.qxd 26/05/2015 17:40 Page 27

GREY MATTER Aubrey de Grey really isn’t going to cut the masochist mustard if you’re one of the horny ‘Spanks & Spanx’ groupies.

A real-life Cambridge biologist, de Grey’s rarely seen without a beer in his hand, never wears underpants and can’t understand what makes sex so special that you should only do it with one person.

See what I mean?

You’d be better off blindfolding yourself and chancing some whiplash on the Army & Navy roundabout.

He makes you pause more for thought than breath, because he believes the first person to live to 1000 years old has already been born and is probably in their forties.

All his billionaire-sponsored research is geared towards tweaking our engines at the molecular level to ensure we live longer and don’t need Velcro fastening shoes and plastic mattress protectors.

So, if you’re in your forties: “It could be YOU!” And if you’re a man of 50+ and your wife is younger than you, take heart, then a Viagra. Better a ‘Trophy Wife’ than an ‘Atrophied Wife.’

MENOPAUSE The complicated female hormone system is something all women share. It keeps us rocking and rolling through work, play and the bed sheets. Menopause can be as tough

as Iron Man’s crotch when those hormones disappear faster than free champagne at a wedding.

‘Sweating it out’ is generally par for the course without HRT. So for all the scared, bewildered or ignorant men out there, it’s simple. Imagine the state of your car if you didn’t top up the oil, diesel, water, or windscreen wash, before expecting it to motor along to Scotland and back seven days a week. You might think about a trade-up, but be warned. It’ll only happen again - unless Aubrey de Grey gets his butt in gear.

DIVAS & DINGLES What I love about the British is how we embrace multi-cultural, epicurean delights, yet stay loyal to our traditional British tucker. We do the same with fashion, which is probably why we’re the laughing stock of Europe.

Our casual look might be a hybrid of holidaymaker/sport spectator in all its Dingle variations, but give us an event and we dress how we’d sample food at an International food market.

Everything’s up for grabs and British women love to try things out for size.

Whether a wedding or Ascot, it’s like an explosion in an exotic birdcage, with plenty of thighs, breasts and legs scattered everywhere. Gone are the days when a woman’s tits went south and her nose went north. There’s nothing beige about us Brits. We might be more D&D (Divas & Dingles) than D&G (Dolce & Gabana)

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to other Europeans, but we’ll always pull off anything above the knee far better than the Yanks.

A LA MODERATION If you’re a woman, you’re constantly told you can’t have a decent job, family, social and sex life.

Your libido will start freefalling at 41 but your partner needs one orgasm a day to avoid prostate cancer or banging your mate.

And one more thing, those glasses of plonk have to go down the sink, not your throat.

Moderation is good, but should extend to patronising advice.

Saying that, a mate of mine recently had a day off and did the school run, dentist trip, shopping and coffee at the gym. Turns out she had a dirty g-string hanging off the Velcro of her top. First thing I asked her was: “Did you cane the wine, last night?”

Women will know the answer.

AFTER EIGHT Do women really need to be told the exact time to talk to men if we want them to listen to us?

It’s 8.15pm, if you’re interested.

Communication angst between the sexes comes down to timing and detail. Women vomit conversation everywhere, whilst men gob out bits and pieces. Not a pretty analogy, but female chatter is like a novel. It’s packed with background detail, character description and often

KERRY’S BACK! thrown off course by a bit of pointless sub-plot. By the time the real story’s started, the bloke’s lost the plot and tuned out.

Whereas men generally communicate in a myriad of sound bites. Unless it’s to do with their work, ailments, anything that goes fast and/or gives them a ‘Tim Henman’ (an unexpected semi). Then they can bore the ass off a Kardashian.

TABLETS With an array of mobile devices giving us access to the online world wherever we go, ‘bog shopping’ is now on the rise. You can empty your bowels, bank account and Amazon basket in just one sitting.

Well if that’s the case, the next time the man in your life shouts about his dodgy ‘arris’ from the bathroom, all you’ve got to do is hand him an iPad. “Take this tablet, darling. You’ll feel better in no time.”

Then at 8.15pm ask him what he’s bought you.

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Max Headroom’s

BIZARRE NEWS Japan

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YOU CAN’T BEAT A SCARY BRIDGE Incredible slopes and with a gradient of 6.1%, plus twists and turns for over a mile long, that’s the Eshima Ohashi Bridge in Japan, which looks more like a tarmac rollercoaster ride and forces drivers to navigate down a steep decent so that ships can pass beneath.

This bridge, the third largest of its kind in the world, is a concrete span across Lake Nakaumi and links the cities of Matsue and Sakaiminato.

But it’s still not the most terrifying bridge in the world. Oh no. That distinction probably goes to the Sidhue River Bridge in China which, at an incredible 1509ft, is the tallest bridge in the world and connects the cities of Shanghai and Chendo.

Of course, then there’s the majestic Millau Viaduct in France. When it opened in 2004, it was the world’s tallest vehicular bridge and it is still loftier than the Eiffel Tower (and just think about that if you were driving across it, readers) at its highest point.

And last, but by no means least, are the Monkey Bridges in Vietnam.

Made from a single bamboo log for your feet and another used as an unsteady handrail, they get their name from the monkey-like posture of people trying to cross them.

Personally speaking, your editor doubts he’ll ever venture to China or Japan, and I must have missed the monkey bridges when I was in Vietnam. But one day I do hope to cross the Millau Viaduct.

France

Vietnam

SNORTING A LINE OF COKE CHANGES YOUR BRAIN PERMANENTLY This won’t come as welcome news to anyone who has ever experimented, but snorting just one line of cocaine could change your brain permanently.

A single dose was found to change a molecular mechanism in the brain’s reward centre in a University of East Anglia study. (Did you even know that your brain apparently has such a thing, readers?)

The change could mean that people are more likely to relapse into drug addiction after stressful events.

(At this point The Edge needs to stress that the study involved mice dosed up to the eyeballs on coke; however, mouse brains apparently have the same receptors as human brains, so it might not all be tosh.)

Dr Patrick McCokehead from the Radical School of Pharmacy said: “Relapse among cocaine addicts is a major problem. We wanted to find out what causes it and we discovered that cocaine disrupts the interaction between receptors and these changes could increase the risk of relapse under stressful conditions. Most importantly, we identified a potential mechanism for protection against any such relapse. Although our study was on rodents, the same receptors have been shown to impact human stress and drug addiction levels.”

In short, they haven’t got a clue, other than the fact that they discovered mice (need to) spend an awful lot less on coke than humans have/need to.

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For reasons too boring to be worth recording, this month’s Californian missive is being penned a week or so before the General Election in the UK, so by the time you get to read this, and I’m having to guess here, a coalition of completely disparate people will be running the UK under the leadership of a posh but seemingly competent Old Etonian, or a posh but pretending not to be odd bloke of unknown competence.

CALIFORNIA DREAMIN’

Those special days are when the local baseball team - the Padres - declare a particular game to be ‘Military Appreciation Day’. Servicemen in uniform are given all sorts of concessions, from free tickets, beer and food to standing ovations from the regular punters.

Whoever wins, it is extremely unlikely that Nigel Farage’s xenophobes will have any say whatsoever in what happens next.

Any say that is, except to have pushed the other two parties into an unholy race to appease Nige’s followers before polling day.

Leaving aside any argument about the rights and wrongs of immigration statistics and the benefits of being in Europe, the feeling prevails that given the chance, Nige’s lot would like the UK to have stood still since 1955. Britain ruled the waves, Arthur Askey was on the wireless, rock ‘n’ roll hadn’t yet corrupted the young and teenagers didn’t exist. The sun always shone, a week at Butlins was heavenly, there were jumpers for goalposts and beer was warm. Poor but happy. A golden age.

But it didn’t exist in reality. Ask you parents or grandparents about life in the 1950s and they’ll tell you a story of shortages, poverty and a struggle just to get by. If it had a colour at all, that colour was grey, not gold.

What the UKIP people will say is that first and foremost they are patriotic. Ah, patriotism. Look a bit closer and what most people mean when they declare themselves to be a patriot is that inherently their country must be superior to all others because they themselves happened to

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

and the other branches of the forces also have camps and training facilities here.

This will probably conjure up images in your head of drunk squaddies trashing Colchester of a weekend, but it’s not like that at all. In town you very rarely see military personnel except for the few days a year when they are given special attention by the citizenry.

by Steve Ward

GOD SAVE THE KING

have been born in it. That’s it. There’s no more compelling argument than that. The UK is no better or worse than dozens of other countries, and insisting otherwise is myopic at best and vaguely sinister at worst.

So what’s all that got to do with life in San Diego? Well, let’s take a look at what patriotism means here.

It’s a fact that Americans generally are more patriotic than Brits. For example, the national anthem is sung at every sporting event, not just cup finals. It is observed with reverence and a hand on heart gesture. Would we Brits condone such behavior at home? Heck no, even if our dirge of an anthem were capable of inducing a stirring of the blood instead of drowsiness.

Apart from the boozed up swivel-eyed St George’s cross brigade, we’re far too worldly wise and cynical for all that, and I’d say rightly so. We’d be too embar-

rassed to show all that emotion in public.

At school, US kids are expected to pledge allegiance to the flag at regular intervals and everyone agrees this is a good thing.

In the UK such actions would be considered brainwashing and an affront to cultural differences.

When it comes to manufacturing, the US has not been immune from the globalisation of production that has happened everywhere in the last few decades. Just as many ‘Made in China’ stickers abound here as they do in the UK, but there is still a sizable proportion of the population - the patriotic - that want their goods to carry a ‘Made in USA’ label. Adverts often have a ‘Proudly made in the USA’ tag line that must work, or they wouldn’t keep using it at every opportunity.

San Diego, you may or may not know, is a military town. There’s a huge naval base,

Even for a cynical old Brit, it warms the cockles to see that appreciation given and taken in good grace. It is the best end of patriotism. Mind you, when you watch the women present, quite how much of that appreciation is down to patriotism, and how much is due to slightly more base instincts at the sight of all those men in uniform, is open to question.

So there it is. A not very patriotic Brit living in the USA can look on at Americans being extremely patriotic with a mixture of admiration and detachment. But not, surprisingly, with embarrassment, because these people truly do believe in truth, justice and the American way.

When Chuck the Looney ascends to the British throne, are you honestly going to feel patriotic, standing there singing about a God you don’t believe in saving a King that all evidence suggests is certainly not gracious?

Just asking.

You can contact Wardo at steveward2000@hotmail.com

Page 29

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ters of men admitted they hated being disturbed in the bathroom, so if you dare ask a favour of them when they are in the loo, you’re bound to get an all out “no”.

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So there you go, ladies. Putting laxatives in his tea at breakfast and giving him ‘the silent treatment’ over dinner was just plain idiocy. We needed to adjust our tactics a bit, although I still say the hammer works best!

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TOTALLY TRACIE MEN

A Japanese firm have invented the first talking bra, designed to give the wearer an ‘uplifting experience’. Tut, one has to wonder about all these Japanese gadgets. Do mad men in white coats sit brainstorming all day long coming up with them?

This month’s column is dedicated to all of those long suffering women out there in Chelmsford and hopefully (although don’t count on it) it will offer them a bit of light relief as regards that pesky old problem, better % known as ‘men’.

For any woman who has ever tried to have a serious and meaningful chat with her man, you have my deepest sympathy, due to that age old problem: ‘how do you get them to listen?’

Personally, I usually find that standing in the bedroom just as he is about to go to sleep wielding a hammer usually does the trick. However, for those of you who’re far more civilised out there, apparently the answer is very simple, and it’s this: just wait until they’ve sat down to dinner.

A survey of 1,000 sober men (surely such a survey could not possibly have taken place in Essex?) found that they mainly enjoyed talking at 8.15pm. So ladies, this is the time they are most likely to give us their full and undivided attention and listen to what we’ve got to say to them, once they have wound down for the day.

Apparently, nearly 90% of men said they were also happy to engage in a serious conversation over dinner.

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However, 95% of women say they are most likely to try and engage with their partner over breakfast, only then discovered they spent the rest of the day angry.

See, it’s all about the timing, girls. 5,, ' + )2'/39 :.': );::/4.

But all is not lost, for most men suggest they would also be happier to discuss problems in the car whilst driving - no doubt as long as they’re the ones doing the driving. Once again, personally, I have been to hit !;6+83'4 the brakes a .8/9:56.+8 bit sharpish ,+=known ?+'89 (')1 when I am in the driving seat and the conversation gets heated, or as I like to call it: ‘getting my point across’.

And ladies, always remember that the best time to get a favour done by your other half is when the in-laws are visiting. Men (apparently) can’t say ‘no’ when the rest of the family are present. In fact, a whopping 80% said they would immediately give in to any chore requested and say “yes”.

However, a word of warning; three quar-

Apparently its makers claim it contains thousands of sensors and can pick up nervousness in a women’s voice, or even a raised pulse rate. Tiny speakers stitched into the straps then send out calming messages, such as: “give it your best” and “go for it, it won’t be that bad”.

I can think of a few occasions when that bra " would have come in proper handy as it goes. And if you should ask the bra: “Do I look beautiful today?” it is programmed to reply: “Yes, you look totally radiant”. But of course, this is the Japanese version. % Triumph, who launched the bra, are also looking to roll the product out globally, and the Essex version will no doubt say: “Well Gel Babe” in reply to any such question about our looks.

But that’s not all. ‘The Wearable Womanliness-Boosting-Bra’ can also be paired with your Smartphone and tell you how many steps you have taken, how many calories you have burned, as well as any upcoming birthdays and anniversaries.

(As if we women need to be reminded of anniversaries!)

Perhaps there would be much more of a market in doing the same thing to men’s underpants?

IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE? I have to confess to being a bit of a Phone Junkie. I probably check my phone a trillion times a day and figured I was just a bit crazy, but it seems I am in good company.

Half of the UK population are so addicted to their phones that they check them every 20 minutes. It also seems women are worse than men. On average woman check their phone 50 times a day. That works out at approximately over 2 hours a day, roughly 832 hours a year, or 35 days a year out of our lives.

A huge percentage of us are so afraid of being parted from our phone that we even take it to the toilet with us. What’s even more shocking is that a quarter of us would give up sex long before we would even consider giving up our phone.

The first thing we do upon waking up is not kiss our other halves, but roll over and check our phone for emails and messages.

I have to confess this is most certainly me.

Have a great month!

Tracie123@aol.com

The Edge 224_The Edge 172.qxd 26/05/2015 09:53 Page 31

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