The Edge Magazine August 2015

The Edge 226_The Edge 172.qxd 22/07/2015 16:10 Page 1

EDGE

the ISSUE NO: 226

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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The Edge 226_The Edge 172.qxd 22/07/2015 16:20 Page 4

SHIRLEY BASSEY Spotted Shirley Bassey in the centre court crowd once over and she still looked lovely.

Now there is a true living legend.

Mariah Carey?

Pagh.

She’s not fit to turn down Our Shirl’s wellington boots, which she once gamely wore on the Morcombe & Wise Show, I seem to recall.

WISSINGTON

The Edge Editor’s Column WIMBLEDON I watched more of the tennis at Wimbledon this year than I have for many a year and the semifinal between Murray and Federer was that good, I even started watching it all over again later that same evening, as I’d recorded it.

The latter would honestly have made for a truly great (and I do mean great) champion yet again.

But alas, it wasn’t to be.

Surely the most graceful player ever.

TRULY GREAT BEER There seems as though there was a lot on last month locally, and plenty of it beer related, what with numerous festivals and what have you.

But here’s a question: how come The White Hart at Margaretting Tye, who in my humble opinion serve the best pint of Broadside anywhere, bar none, haven’t been included in CAMRA for the past two years?

After all, so far as I’m aware, it’s all about the quality of the beer, right?

Page 4

Wissington is a little place in Suffolk, don’t you know, and I stumbled upon it when I Googled ‘Campsites in Suffolk’, because we’re forever travelling 3-5 hours in the car to get to the campsites we particularly like.

So, the other Sunday lunchtime saw me & Mrs Edge and The Fuckwits all saddle up on our scooters/motorbikes and off we jolly well went, covering some 120 miles in the process, as we were happy to take a few detours.

When we finally arrived though, bloody hell, it’s almost idyllic, set right on the River Stour and they even hire out kayaks and rowing boats so that you can row/paddle to a lovely pub a bit further along the river in a certain amount of style.

Hey, and what better cure for the inevitable Sunday morning hangover than a dip in the chilly river itself?

I honestly can’t wait.

NEW FOOTBALL SEASON Another thing I can’t wait for is the start of the brand new football season.

To some of you it’ll no doubt feel as though last season has just ended, but I honestly believe this one’s going to be a cracker, with Chelski once again the firm favourites to take the crown.

Then, of course, there’s the European Championships in France in the summer of 2016.

Wonderful.

GIRL POWER I’ve always liked Myleene Klass and I haven’t got a problem admitting it. After all, anyone who calls one of their daughters Hero has got to have a sense of humour. Plus, I like the way she’s picked herself back up as ‘a working mum’ after her thieving ‘ex’ stole a shed-load of her hard earned.

That’s proper ‘girl power’, is that.

HAPPY PILLS At least 1-in-11 British adults are apparently taking antidepressants - the fourth highest figure in the EU (only the residents of Portugal, Lithuania and Malta take more).

It somewhat sadly appears that the British middleaged (bloody hell, that’s me, is that) are the loneliest people in the country, driven as they are to pill-popping by the pressures of work, family life and a whole load of repeats shown on the tele.

The bleak picture of overwork, isolation and prescription drug dependency is seemingly linked to one-in-seven people aged 45-54 admitting to feeling ‘really rather lonely’.

You’d have honestly thought it would be a higher percentage of folk aged over 75 who were the loneliest, wouldn’t you? But apparently not.

Thank Christ I am at the upper end of the 45-54 age group these days and have hopefully got many more far fulfilling years ahead of me.

But if true, it’s a worrying statistic, isn’t it?

Particularly as the highest suicide rates are recorded among people in their 40s and 50s.

Please God ‘LIKE’ The Edge. Go on... facebook.com/theedgemagazine twitter.com/TheEdgeMag DO IT NOW! For Christ’s sake, LIKE The Edge, cos no bugger else does.

facecock THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 7 97 44 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 226_The Edge 172.qxd 22/07/2015 16:30 Page 5

Was Ernest Bishop aka Reginald Molehusband?

Only readers of a certain age will remember a character driving an Austin 1100 attempting to correctly reverse park in between two other stationary vehicles as a public safety information TV advertisement back in the sixties.

Reginald Molehusband was his name (married with two kids), only you try Googling for a picture of him and you’ll come up empty handed, same as I just did.

Though if memory serves me correctly, he used to look a bit like Ernest Bishop, Emily Bishop’s deceased husband in Corrie - and that’s what he used to act like as well - as though he were dead.

So anyway, Our Reginald would be repeatedly trying to reverse into the space outlined, and the script would be narrated like so: “People would come from miles around just to watch, while bus drivers and cabbies would change their routes to avoid him. Until the day finally arrived when Reginald Molehusband got it right!”

Surely someone reading The Edge remembers this classic TV advert?

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Great big globules of poop!

The Edge wrote about bird poop on both the roof and the bonnet of its car back in the June editions, but it’s getting way beyond a frickin’ joke now.

Every morning when I get up and go downstairs to put the kettle on, I look out me bi-folds into me back garden beyond, to check on the weather and pretty much what’s what, and invariably there’ll be a pile of pigeon poop (at least that’s the variety of nuisance that I’m assuming has egged it) on our patio table.

Now when I say ‘pile’ we are talking about a mini Walnut Whip here. You know, an ugly small mountain of the ruddy stuff. And it’ll invariably land within the grooves of the table, so that every time you want lunch or dinner al fresco, you’re forced to steam-clean the bloody thing.

I hate pigeons. They’re just disgusting. The vagrants of the sky. What’s more, they look so bloody stupid as well (if there’s a dumber looking bird, The Edge would seriously like to know about it).

So what to do about bird poop, eh?

Bird poop, dog poop and cat poop.

Life’s just one big pile of the stuff.

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Page 5

The Edge 226_The Edge 172.qxd 23/07/2015 17:00 Page 6

Stephen Alexander

WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE...

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Lily would like to offer a £10 DISCOUNT* on any colour throughout August (must include a cut & blow-dry) to all her customers upon presentation of this advertisement. *Offer available until Sat. 29th August STEPHEN ALEXANDER HAIR SALON 203 Moulsham Street, Chelmsford, CM2 9PF. TEL: 01245 494194 www.stephenalexander.co.uk EMAIL: sayhair@sayhair.co.uk

”The Bridge Over the River Kwai - Take 2” Work has been going on for some considerable time concerning the replacement of the original Chelmer Viaduct, erected in 1932, along the route The Edge takes into town/city pretty much every single day of the week. Although the new bridge over the River Chelmer (pictured above, by kind courtesy of Getty Images) is only temporary - at least The Edge assumes it’s only temporary - it does share a striking resemblance with the famous River Kwai Bridge, don’t you think, readers , which dates back to 1942 and was completed within a year (only The Edge very much doubts we’ll be so lucky).

Rather than being a two-lane bridge like the existing one, the all new viaduct will host three lanes two running from Chelmer Village to the Army & Navy and one for traffic flowing in the direction of Chelmer Village.

What’s more, the new bridge will also provide both foot and cycle connections, which is ’andy, ’Arry.

Incidentally, The Edge clearly knows what it is talking about in this particular instance as it has both walked and travelled (via train) across the famous River Kwai Bridge, arf-arf.

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Living in a leafy environ, such as Chelmsford, can help us feel up to seven years younger, researchers say.

A study has found inhabitants of tree-lined streets have considerably fewer heart problems.

It’s apparently got something to do with nature having a ‘healing effect’ and seeing trees having a restorative effect upon our psyche.

Another theory is the way trees seem to sway about and mop up pollution and relieve stress when we look at them.

Some chump from the Royal Horticultural Society says, “There are moves towards putting trees back into towns and cities as they have multiple benefits. They cool by shading, are home to a diverse range of wildlife and help filter pollution.”

So remember that next time a bird shits on you from a tree you’re sat beneath, readers.

What is it with that airhead Karen Danczuk?

She’s the MP’s wife in bloody Rochdale, yet she’s been all over the frickin’ newspapers (since when is she news?) because apparently she likes to take a selfie or two.

So her marriage is reportedly collapsing too.

Oh, and she might be having it off with her personal trainer.

But honestly, who bloody cares?

You see this type of crap in the ’papers and it takes a while - a few days - before you, as a reader, finally come to your senses and think, ‘This is a story for The Edge - not a national paid for newspaper’ as the two are completely different vehicles.

So let The Edge ask its readers point blank: “Are any of you having an affair that you wouldn’t mind this publication featuring in its forthcoming September issues?” shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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CITIZEN Liverpool - Bars, Balls, Beatles and Blackstuff Citizen columns tend to feature a combination of popular culture (principally films and popular music from the 60’s to the 80’s), city reviews and occasional ventures into the world of sport and even politics. But probably never all together...until this

month!

Past columns have alluded to the fact that Citizen, who is firmly Essex born and bred, is married to a Scouser.

Liverpool, like Essex, seems to generate more than its fair share of twisted stereotypical humour and comment, both in tweets, online postings and from the ‘red top’ press.

Indeed, Citizen's daughter, when at University, found that her genetic heritage of ‘half-Scouse/half-Essex Girl’ was a source for very much merriment.

In fact, Liverpudlian's really are, in Citizens view, truly genuine people when it comes to humour, self-deprecatory wit and an almost unique ability to stand up for their rights and not let the system - whatever that is beat them.

Surely all supporters of football or social justice have nothing but admiration for how the Hillsborough families have steadfastly fought their cause until)6, the+4-):4A pow) that be had to sit up and take notice. ers Citizen worked out a while back that after it had spent more of its life - fast approaching the equivalent of two years - in the Capital of Merseyside and still visits several times a year for 3 or 4 days at a time.

Liverpool is a great city. In Citizen's view, after London and Edinburgh, along with York, it is one of the UK's 4 great ‘must see’ city destinations. But unless you are a football fan, a Beatles buff, or someone catching the Isle of Man ferry, it may well be somewhere that the average Edge reader from Essex has never been to.

Like Hull, it is at one extremity of the M62 and therefore a destination in its own right, or somewhere you miss entirely.

So let’s review its many attractions - cultural, historic and sporting - in the month when the annual world famous International Beatlesweek takes place.

(However, let me assure you, there is a lot more to Liverpool than just the Beatles and its two football teams - Everton and Liverpool, to put them in their order of longevity.)

Liverpool is very much a transformed city from the one Citizen first visited in the late 60’s for a musical event and then visited a couple of times in the early 70’s for football, before getting to know the place quite well from the end of that decade onwards.

Today it is hard to believe that it was the scene of major unrest in the early Thatcher years, culminating in strikes and riots in the Toxteth district that led to Environment Minister Michael Heseltine being tasked to revitalise the city, beginning with the transformation of part of the world famous waterfront into a Garden Festival site that opened in 1984.

The Rialto Ballroom burnt to the ground in the riots, but much of the rest of the cities’ great heritage was at the time also derelict or in disrepair.

There is a scene in the epoch making BBC drama series ‘Boys from the Blackstuff’, about a team of 5 out of work tarmac workers, where the dying former leader of the team George is wheeled round a crumbling, decaying waterfront dock, reminiscing about its great days as a seaport city.

It is hard to believe that this same derelict area has now been transformed into the world famous Albert Dock Centre - a tourist magnet drawing visitors from

around the world to its bars, restaurants, Tate Art gallery and museums. It really is one of the ‘must see’ places for any overseas visitors ‘Doing England’. ‘Boys from the Blackstuff’ incidentally spurned the legendary plea of the unemployed at the time of “Gizza Job�, but no one said it like Yozzer Hughes, portrayed brilliantly by Bernard Hill, who later played the captain of the sinking Titanic - a liner registered with Liverpool as its home port, but which never actually moored at the city.

The Albert Dock area is home to some truly world class museums including the ‘International Slavery Museum’, ‘Merseyside Maritime Museum’ and the fabulous new ‘Museum of Liverpool’ as well, of course, as ‘The Beatles Story’. You can lose yourself in all of them for hours and then visit one of Liverpool’s excellent bars or restaurants.

The area between the traditional city centre and the Albert Dock has been filled in recent years with the Liverpool One centre that combines excellent opportunities to shop ’til you drop, eat in the numerous restaurants, or see a film in what is the best Odeon cinema Citizen has ever visited - including the two in Leicester Square.

The nearby designer store area the Metquarter is an absolute must for fashionistas!

But it is still the combination of the achievements of Bill Shankly and Bob Paisley with Liverpool F.C. from the sixties through to the eighties and the Mersey Sound of the 1960’s exemplified by the Beatles that has probably put Liverpool on the map for a generation both at home and abroad.

Go through Homeland Security in the US and it is not unusual for one of the officials - who are not always known for their easy going nature or humour - to remark about Mrs Citizen’s place of birth shown in her passport as the home of the Beatles. And Citizen has met American Football supporters in the States who have seen every Liverpool match over a season on TV and are encyclopaedic about their team without ever having visited Anfield - where incidentally a superb stadium tour and museum await you.

Strange to think that the song from the sixties that links the Merseybeat era and football ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ is a Rogers & Hammerstein song performed not by the Beatles but by Gerry and the Pacemakers.

August Bank Holiday week sees the annual International Beatleweek centred on the Mathew Street area - home to what remains of The Cavern, the original of which was filled in during construction work on the Merseyrail underground rail loop in 1973 in an amazing act of official urban vandalism equivalent, in Citizen’s book, to bulldozing Stonehenge!

The Cavern was rebuilt on its former site using many of the original bricks and reopened in 1984. It’s a ‘must see’ venue - as are the former childhood homes of Paul McCartney at 20 Forthlin Road and John Lennon, Mendips in Menlove Avenue. Both of these can only be visited on an official pre-booked National Trust minibus tour. This step back to the late 1950’s is well worth the effort of booking, only don’t expect Mendips to be the home of a ‘working class hero’ as it is actually in a very nice middle class tree-lined suburban avenue.

This year’s Beatleweek event is sure to be oversubscribed with appearances by numerous ‘Beatles People’, including fellow traveller in Transcendental Meditation Donovan; George Harrison’s’ first wife Patti Boyd, the world’s premier Beatles authority Mark Lewisohn, John and Yoko’s former personal assistant May Pang and, to top them all, Ringo Starr himself performing live all of his most recent album.

So forget about Hull and go to the opposite end of the M62 and don’t stop until you reach Liverpool - one of the world’s truly great cities!

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 226_The Edge 172.qxd 22/07/2015 17:57 Page 9

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Similar to Indian Zest’s online website, the easy to use format lets you see each item with a clear description of every single dish, which is easier for those that are new to Indian cuisine.

With a large variety of new and classic dishes to try you are certain to love Indian Zest.

Indian Zest have recently introduced some fresh new dishes, including salmon and duck recipes. There truly is something for everyone to savour and enjoy.

Some of their most popular dishes are Paneer Tikka, Salmon Tikka, Malabar Chicken Curry, Duck Tikka Biriyani, Spicy Korma and, of course, the ever popular Chicken Tikka Masala.

With their wealth of experience in the catering business they completely understand the importance of providing their customers with an efficient and reliable service at all times.

Whether that be for a quiet meal in for two, or for larger gatherings at special venues, Indian Zest is always the perfect choice to deliver.

Indian Zest currently have a 15% discount offer running on all orders placed above the minimum delivery price of £12 (for delivery or collection) placed via their online website, or through their app, until further notice.

If you really can't decide what to order, simply contact Indian Zest and speak to one of their knowledgeable staff who will be happy to assist and recommend suitable dishes that may compliment to your palate, making it far easier for you to try and find some new favourite dishes to enjoy.

With the growing use of technology in this day and age, and with everyone seemingly busier than ever before with little spare time to relax, Indian Zest wanted to introduce to Chelmsford a fast, quick and easy system of ordering high quality Indian takeaway food with simply the touch of a button from a customer’s phone, tablet or laptop.

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Each INSANITY session will be pack with cardio and plyometric drills with intervals of strength, power, resistance and core training all this without a single piece of equipment and YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE IN AWESOME SHAPE TO GET STARTED!

Page 10

The Edge recently found itself with a couple of tickets - kind courtesy of Danny Macklin, the Commercial Director of Essex Cricket - for a Friday evening BLAST (sponsored by Nat West, dontcha know) encounter between Essex Eagles v Hampshire.

Now The Edge knows absolutely nowt about cricket, apart from when it used to play ‘French Cricket’ as a lad in the school playground many moons ago.

In fact, The Edge is so old that the first player ever to gain its attention was Geoffrey Boycott, and after that ‘Beefy’ Botham, and of course Freddie.... but that’s about it.

So, T20, a blessedly short form of cricket containing just 20 overs (of 6 balls per over, for all you ladies and not-interested-in-cricket patrons reading this out there, although The Edge very much doubts that you are). Come to think of it, how the hell does one even describe an over?

In short, it’s supposed to be a ‘RE’ (right exciting) type of cricket, only it wasn’t from where your editor was sitting with his next door neighbour, in the Tom Pearce Upper stand.

My God, however much they muck about with cricket, it’s still like watching paint dry, isn’t it?

For starters, what are the awful, tasteless outfits all about that the players wear? And why do they have numbers on their backs? Honestly, both teams looked like a bunch of slovenly dads mooching about in the town centre with their wives on a Saturday afternoon. The wives, customary, looking toggedup to the nines, whilst their husbands, OMG (because it’s honestly the last place they want to be) still have their tracky bottoms on, which they either wore to wash the car in or cut the grass in earlier on in the morning. And that’s exactly what the players look like. Terrible.

Due to the restrictive amounts of overs, it would appear that the T20 idea is for the players to ‘go for it’ a bit more than they usually might, agreed? You know, try to take the skin off every single ball that comes their way, and often with a modicum of success. So why not be a lot more reckless in normal cricket if you want to boost the number of people who follow the game?

Only what’s all this with the giant TV screen and all of the recorded singing and stuff whenever a player scores a 4 or a 6? It’s like 10cc once inferred “That’s not cricket!” - isn’t that.

And The Edge doesn’t honestly know what else to say about it.

But it was most pleasant having a beer in The Cricketers up Moulsham Street afore the encounter, followed by a pint in The Orange Tree after the show, which gave me old mate ‘Silent Mike’ the ideal opportunity to inform me just how much beer he’s selling these days, as well as in all of the previous years of his life as a landlord.

Thinking back, I don’t think it went down particularly well when I cheered rather loudly after a Hampshire caught out an Eagles player, but it was a bloody good catch in my eyes. And I seem to recall one oldish bloke tutting and shaking his head after he heard me referring to Essex as Chelmsford.

But apart from those two hiccups, I think The Edge just about got away with being a ‘novice supporter’ at a game it doesn’t particularly care for.

Spotted these two heads in the crowd and to be honest, The Edge isn’t sure what either of ’em are all about.

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 226_The Edge 172.qxd 22/07/2015 18:07 Page 11

A relationship breakdown doesn't have to mean a broken home James is 10. He is playing with his friends in the playground, waiting for his father to pick him up at the end of the school day. He is kicking a football with his best friend Henry (not Thierry). They are both going to play for Arsenal when they grow up.

Everything seems fine; certainly no onlooker would know that James comes from a broken home. His parents separated when he was just seven. James says, "Mum and Dad were fighting most nights when they thought I was asleep in bed. It used to wake me up and I would sit up in bed with my hands over my ears, wishing they would just stop. When they told me that they were not going to live together anymore, I was frightened. Very frightened. Where would I go?

Would I ever see my Dad again?"

James grins, "It's much better now. Mum and Dad don't live together anymore, but my Dad doesn't live that far away. I get to see him every weekend and he now spends proper time with me. Mum and Dad don't fight anymore. We all just have fun. They both come to Parents Evenings at school and we’re all off to Legoland next weekend. I know that I am important to them. I know that they both love me and that they are both always there for me."

A relationship breakdown doesn't have to mean a broken home. Many families facing conflict choose to use mediation.

In family mediation, separating couples work with a professionally qualified third party to agree post-separation practical arrangements on property, finance and parenting. Mediation does not try to keep couples together, but rather helps them agree settlements that are in the best interests of all concerned, especially children.

“Many couples think they have to head off to a high-street solicitor to prepare for a very expensive court room confrontation in which they can achieve a ‘victory’ over their ex,” explains Louise Hornagold, Managing Director of Essex Mediation. “But there is a better way. Families who try mediation usually find it quicker, less acrimonious and often considerably cheaper than traditional litigation. Crucially they keep more control over their own destinies, instead of handing it over to the courts.”

Professional mediators are highly skilled third party negotiators with experience in helping families create long-term solutions that work well for their particular circumstances.

“Rather than leaving it to a court to decide who will live where, what happens to the money, debts and pensions, not to mention arrangements for the children, mediation empowers families so that they can decide these things for themselves. After all, it’s their future.”

Anyone wanting to know more about family mediation, or to discuss the options, can contact Essex Mediation on 492200 or visit www.esssexmediation.co.uk

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Divorcing or separating, arguing over contact with your children, trouble at work or perhaps a dispute with a contractor!

What ever the dispute we are experts in conflict resolution and are here to help

www.essexmediation.co.uk Offices in Chelmsford, Colchester and Harlow

01245 492200 Alternative locations available across Essex, Hertfordshire and Suffolk

The Edge is telling you, readers, you have got to give Stone’s Ginger Joe a bash, as it is absolutely delicious and is far superior to Crabbie’s.

In fact, try it with a shot of brandy or whiskey and a few chunks of ice and The Edge reckons you’ll be hooked, line & sinkered in no time...like me!

STONE’S GINGER JOE

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The Edge 226_The Edge 172.qxd 23/07/2015 08:47 Page 12

baken’grape

Chelmsford’s newest Bakehouse, Bar & Grill

festive menu 3 course from £25.50 per person 1 st – 24th December 2014

For reservations call 01245 266288 www.thenewlondon.co.uk the new london restaurant and lounge 147 new London road, Chelmsford, Essex, CM2 0AA

Summer is coming, so get out in the garden!

Time for a hot tub perhaps?

Your Local Supplier for Hot Tubs Both great value and affordable

Hot Tubs Swim Spas Gazebos Log Cabins Accessories Parts & Servicing

baken’grape is the newest kid on the block in Chelmsford. The old Strada premises on Baddow Road has been completely refurbished in a four month programme to create a range of zones to suit your needs for both business and pleasure - be it a coffee and cake on comfortable sofas; after work cocktails in a sun-trap court yard; upstairs dining in the smart yet relaxed grill; or a lazy weekend brunch over the ’papers. The décor is stylish, light, bright and modern with use of natural materials to compliment the beautiful building in this conservation area - sympathetically furnished with the focus on comfort, rather than simply aesthetics. It also includes the construction of Chelmsford’s first indoor/outdoor bar to ensure consistency of service to those enjoying bn’g’s generous outdoor space. bn’g are particularly proud of some of the touches they have incorporated to make their customers lives that little bit less stressful. For example: free Wi-Fi uses the latest hardware to ensure reliability and speed, particularly for its business customers; the ladies cubicles have been designed with space to put your handbag and drink so you do not have to leave them unattended, or on the floor; and, following parental consultation, both the cubicles and baby-change facilities have been designed with particular focus on both space and layout, because being a parent is hard enough.

Co-founders Chris Windram and Martin Hobby, friends since childhood, believe bn’g fills a gap in the market in Chelmsford, telling The Edge: “Our vision for baken’grape is to bring together the best of local produce, skillfully prepared and showcased with outstanding service. Our standards will be driven not only by our experienced and highly trained staff, but by our cutting edge technology, such as our bespoke system to allow ordering via a smartphone from the bar, bake house, or courtyard, to be delivered to your table. This is perfect if you’re in the middle of a business discussion in which you don’t wish to break momentum; are alone with small children; or simply do not wish to waste your pleasure time queuing when you could be socialising with friends or family.” bn’g’s executive team has worked to create a range of menus with an appeal to suit whatever you are looking for - be that a leisurely breakfast, coffee and cake from the bakery, light bites or the grill menu, specialising in top quality steaks cooked to perfection. For later in the day, there is a varied drinks menu, incorporating a range of signature cocktails with something for everyone - including grown-up alternatives for those choosing to avoid alcohol, but who are looking for something different to the norm. bn’g stands out from the homogenised chains as a beacon of independence in Chelmsford, so head on down and see for yourself (see page 17).

Baddow Road, Chelmsford. Opens 31 July 2015.

Visit our showroom open 7 days a week Unit 2­3 Rignals Lane, Chelmsford, Essex CM2 8RF

Call us now on 01245 477 400 Email sales@aquawarehouse.co.uk

www.aquawarehouse.co.uk www.aquaspasupplies.co.uk

Page 12

Owners Martin Hobby & Chris Windram The Edge 077 646 797 44

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Jesus of Nazareth & his disciples spotted turning water into beer at Maisons Bar! Perhaps like you, The Edge was both curious and interested to see what ‘the old Smith’s bar’ would turn out like. After an extensive and impressive refurb, in the eyes of The Edge, it does have to say that it really likes its minimalist attributes very much indeed.

Oh sure, your editor clearly feels like a fish out of water on the rare occasions he pops in there, what with mingling amongst all of the ‘young and beautiful people’. But then I do love it out the back there, looking up at the sky (while the weather’s good, obviously). Out there early doors is a joyous place to simply chat amongst friends and chill, just like Jesus and his disciples seemed as though they were doing the last time I visited.

I honestly haven’t a clue what it gets like in there once the clock strikes midnight, but there’s a cushty, dimly lit dance-floor, so I can only imagine and ‘remember the days’ (yeah, my days, as I did have ’em, you know).

What, do you think The Edge doesn’t remember the old Springfield’s nightclub (and what a naff name for a nightclub that truly was) situated where Reds used to be?!?!?!

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Page 13

Exceptional Steaks & Burgers Grays Brewery Yard // Chelmsford BOOKING

• 01245 860 070 • info@chopbloc.com

Open 7 Days 12-10.30

LUNCH DEALS Mon - Fri

2 Courses £15 3 Courses £19.50 Chop Bloc Burger & Fries £10 Chimichurri Picanha Sandwich & Fries £10.50 10 Wings £6 add Fries for £2.00 Milkshakes from £4

chopbloc.com

MAGAZINE ADVERT EDGE 16_07 FINAL.indd 1

16/07/2015 14:33:38

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OPTION 1 - WHITE

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If you want to make some new friends try walking a dog It’s a fact that walking a dog (and it doesn’t have to be your own) makes you appear far more loveable. At least, that’s what researchers are saying (and what a ridiculous job it must be, being an actual researcher. What’s the bloody point?).

Apparently 52% of Britons believe that people with dogs are ‘friendlier than the average person’, whilst 46% find that walking a dog is one of the ‘easiest ways to meet new friends’.

(What the research really means is that 46% of dog owners find it easier to meet people who similarly own smelly bad-breathed mongrels.)

Forty-six per cent of Britons also agree that loving animals makes a person more attractive (i.e. needy of unconditional love, they mean), rising to 57% of Londoners (that’s no place to own a dog, isn’t that).

TV presenter and all round good ‘dog egg’ Ben Fogle met his dog, sorry, wife, while he was out walking his mutt in Hyde Park. He says, “I cannot stress enough the physical, psychological and social benefits of picking up ‘dog eggs’ in little blue plastic bags and then walking for miles with them dangling in your hand. Dogs get you out in all weathers and who knows where I’d be without my dog, erm, I mean my wife.” N.B. Twenty-nine per cent of dog owners have met lifelong friends whilst out dogging.

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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The Grange

Boreham, Chelmsford, Essex, CM3 3HJ Tel: 01245 398495

The Grangge, Boreham, has reopened after an extensive refurbishment, with more comfortable seating as w well ell as a lighter and brighter feel. The upgraded pub restaurant is the perfect venue to while away a few hours with friends ov over great food and a drink or tw wo. o.

The Grange is a beautiful stone-built pub located in the attractivve Essex countr yside in the small villagge of Boreham. The pub is a short drivve from Chelmsford which is home to the stunning ancient woodland, ponds and formal ggar ardens of Hylands Park. Surrounded by by ffamil amily attractions such as the Chelmsford Museum, the T Trropical Wings Zoo and Chelmsford Cathedral, the Grange is the perfect starting point to explore the beautiful English countr yside.

As the w war arm weather settles, the enclosed secret garden is an ideal spot to enjooyy one of the speciality local cask ales. The large, outside seating area is perfect for long summer evenings after a walk from the Grade II listed Boreham House. With the aim of keeping all the charm of an old English pub, the refurbishment has retained its w war arm and inviting nature, while giving a much fresher feel with new floor ing and furnishings.

August is the perfect time to visit the Grange, our special 1940’s inspired menu marks the 70th annivversar y of VJ daay. This set menu offers a choice of starters, mains and puddings that include the Churchill’s Pork Chop and the Keep Keep Calm and Corn Beef.

The pub is also renoowned for ser ving tasty Sundaay lunches, including its succulent Roast T Topside opside of Beef, Roast T Tur urkey Breast and Roast British Pork Leg. The Grange also offers its famous T Trrio of Roasts, a combination of the three aforementioned dishes ser ved with all the trimmings.

General Managger er, Chris Beard, is looking for ward to w welcoming elcoming elc guests back to The Grange: “We’re delighted with the quality of our latest renoovation, atio and can’t w wait ait to shoow w off our ur neew w look. W Wee’re proud to plaayy a pivotal role in our local community munityy,, and are pleased that the refurbishment alloow ws us to continue the tradition of of being being aades destination Essex can be proud of. of.”

You can noow doownload our latest Chef and Brewer app from the App Store or Google Pla laay, with which you can reser ve a table and browse the latest menus and offers. The Grange is open Monday to Fridaay 6am – 11pm and Saturdaay – Sunday 8am - 11pm.

Page 16

The Edge 077 646 797 44

...food to die for... ...service to kill for... ...drinks to live for... baken’grape bakehouse, bar & grill

Open 31 July · Baddow Road, Chelmsford · http://bng.uk

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LAUGHING out LOUD is BACK! AT LAST Chelmsford has a premium venue that can offer delicious food and high quality entertainment in an extremely plush setting, all under one roof. The Edge is, of course, referring to The Comedy Club now being in residence on selected Thursday nights at the superb new function suite that is ‘The Lion House’ at The Lion Inn, Boreham.

Your editor was amongst the audience at the grand opening evening back in May and it really was a top night out and one The Edge would highly recommended for all those wanting good food and a lorra lorra laughs in a really classy establishment.

Most of us will doubtless remember, back in the day, when The Comedy Club shows were held at the then ‘place to be seen’ Waterfront Place. Every single show was a sell-out and some of the most famous comics graced the stage show after show.

Well, the all new set-up honestly blows even the old Waterfront out of the water, such are the quality surroundings (complete with a total glass wall) of this brand new function suite, designed and built by the very man himself, Spin (ex-owner of Waterfront Place, when it used to be ‘the bollocks’).

So MD of the Comedy Club Ian Franklin and Spin have teamed up once again to present what is undoubtedly one of the best nights out in Essex.

What’s on offer, apart from the obvious? Well, warm and friendly staff for starters, waitress service to your reserved candlelit table throughout the show, top TV comedians, plus The Comedy Club’s famous ‘Audience Joke Competition’ where claps mean (great) prizes and not a trip to the doctors.

ROAR WITH LAUGHTER For over 19 years The Comedy Club has had virtually every comedian that has graced your TV screen perform on its stage and that’s definitely not going to stop now.....whether it’s Jack Whitehall popping down to try out material for his new TV Show, or Steve Merchant who did his first ever open spot in Chelmsford, or the likes of Lee Mack, Michael McIntyre, Al Murray plus hundreds more truly top comedians. The Comedy Club’s mission is to simply keep them coming so that you can all enjoy watching comedy’s finest performers ‘live’ and in your home town/city.

Thursdays in Chelmsford will never be boring again, ever. So are you ready to ROAR with LAUGHTER? Well are you?

Forget karaoke tribute acts - we are talking original comedians dishing up the proper, authentic ‘laughter factor’ here!

What’s more, on sale right now are their extremely popular Christmas Comedy Show tickets, where you will be able to enjoy a meal in style, laugh out loud at three top comedians, plus music to round your evening off with a boogie.

Tickets are strictly limited and sell out fast with only 4 show dates available this December, so book now to avoid disappointment.

Full information, line-ups and to book tickets: www.thecomedyclub.co.uk Also don’t forget fortnightly Thursdays are the regular famous comedy slots.

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The Edge 077 646 797 44

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Stumbling About Town It seems that my idea of carrying out reviews of the pubs, bars and restaurants in Chelmsford has gone down well with our illustrious editor as this month he insisted on joining me on my latest crawl around the town/city centre. I must admit that I was apprehensive about the prospect, not because of Mr Edge’s imposing presence, but because of the fact that he is somewhat of a marmite figure with our readers. The feedback I receive is completely divided with half the population loving the glorious content The Edge dishes up each month and the other half severely lacking any semblance of a sense of humour.

Undeterred, I ventured out determined to make the most of my night out, and hopefully the bars we visited would not disappoint.

Our first port of call was the newly refurbished Riverside Inn on Victoria Road, which has recently been acquired by the Blue Group. I had relatively high expectations given the fantastic experiences I have had at their other venues in the past, but must admit that I was left a little disappointed. The restaurant area itself is nice enough and the new kitchen/serving area is a decent touch, as I always feel it reassures customers to be able to see through to the chefs preparing food. But unfortunately it doesn’t look as though they have spent a great deal of time renovating the outside area, which looks dilapidated and in urgent need of a coat of paint and some general TLC. It’s a shame because the garden is what attracts most people to a pub in the summer and frankly it looks tired and run down,

www.theedgemag.co.uk

not to mention an old, unpainted shed strewn with empty champagne bottles. I am not sure whether the latter is to try and make the place look sophisticated, but in truth, it just looks like someone has forgotten to tidy up.

The beer they serve is of a decent quality, but sadly over-priced at north of £4.50 a pint. Most disappointingly, having already enjoyed a couple of drinks, I was told by the bar staff that they would not serve any more alcohol to customers in the bar until they had served all of the customers in the restaurant. Then when a rather irate customer asked the bar manager why this was, he abruptly replied: “This is a restaurant, not a pub. We don’t want drinkers here.” I thought this was exceedingly rude and I hope that some training is offered to staff before they alienate their main clientele.

Left with somewhat of a sour taste in my mouth from the poor service we’d just experienced, we decided to finish our drinks and move on to the Bay Horse in Moulsham Street. The welcome we received was refreshing and was in stark contrast to the treatment we’d just received at The Riverside. The staff were friendly and attentive and we were served within 3 minutes of arriving. The chap serving me took the time to speak to me and generally promoted a hospitable atmosphere. They have a decent outdoor area and we enjoyed a rather nice pint in a convivial, buzzy atmosphere. This is clearly a pub that appeals to a wide variety of people from regular drinkers to groups wanting to enjoy a meal out. What’s more, you can clearly see why it is highly thought of by the residents of Chelmsford (and more importantly, it

is located very near to the fantastic Robinson’s Fish & Chip shop for your supper on the way home!).

Next on the itinerary was the all new Maisons bar just opposite, which has replaced Smith’s. According to reports, the owner of the venue is one Harry Eden who once starred in a Hollywood Peter Pan movie. To be fair, I felt as though I needed some ‘magic dust’ from Tinkerbell to help make me feel young enough to fit in with the ‘gorgeous trendy crowd’ in attendance. In fact, I would go so far as to say that, at 32, I would need a touch of the old Benjamin Button’s to knock a good 10 years off of my age to help me fit in. The bar has been completely renovated and it has a really nice decked area to the rear.

Inside is trendy and spacious and has a Marbella feel about it, although I don’t know whether that was the intended décor, or whether B&Q had a sale on white matt emulsion!

However, despite my initial reservations, I must say that everyone involved in creating this bar has done a terrific job. It certainly offers a completely different atmosphere to other venues in Chelmsford and looks as though it is trying to attract a cool, TOWIEesque crowd. I can definitely see it being a big hit. The service is good and the atmosphere is friendly and if they can continue to draw the crowds in, then I imagine it may well be a venue that is here to stay.

By 10:30pm I was already feeling a bit wobbly, but decided I’d have ‘one for the road’ in Escedra as I knew some friends of mine would be in there, so I popped in to be sociable.

This was a bad idea because instead of getting home early and nicely

Billy Hinken

tucked up in bed, I ended up stumbling through the door at gone 2:00am (and it’s fair to say that my Saturday was a complete and utter write off). Escedra has always been a strange bar for me, but one that has certainly established itself as a popular nightspot in Chelmsford. I think I have a slightly distorted view of it as I have never forgiven them for once throwing me out for wearing trainers, despite having been drinking in there all day long. It is certainly a cool bar with excellent service that attracts a young and trendy crowd, but it’s a bit pricey too, yet makes up for that shortcoming by providing a vibrant atmosphere. One particular bonus that Escedra now enjoys is that Taco Bell has opened up right next door and I certainly appreciated a delectable burrito at 2:00am....although I probably didn’t require the San Miguel they served with it!

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Lazy Buggers Somewhat astonishingly, a colossal 1-in-7 adults go an entire month, on a regular basis, without taking a walk that lasts at least 10 minutes, which is proper wrong, is that.

What’s more, that figure rises to 1-in-4 in certain parts of the country.

Urban dwellers are more likely to walk for over 10 minutes at a time, presumably because it makes far more sense to, while people in more rural parts only tend to walk for pleasure.

Perhaps not surprisingly the 16-24 age bracket are the most frequent walkers, once again, presumably out of necessity.

Personally speaking, it’s only a halfmile walk to my Boot Camp classes three mornings every week, so I really ought to walk those, but I don’t.

However, whenever I’m going into town for a few beers of a Friday evening, come rain or shine, I do tend to make it a 25 minute hike... and back home again too, after chucking-out time.

Ahhhhhhh!

Short Cut to an early grave It can certainly disrupt your sleep pattern, but noise caused from living too close to a busy road can also shorten your life, apparently.

A study has shown that having to endure rumbling lorries, honking car horns and screeching tyres has been linked with shorter life expectancy and a higher risk of a stroke (a stroke of what?).

People surrounded by traffic noise louder than 60 decibels (the sound of the average wife yelling at you with a frying pan in her hand) are 4% more likely to DIE than those exposed to sound levels of 55 decibels (the sound of the average wife shouting ‘yoohoo’ to someone she’s just spotted in the cinema half way through a movie).

The extra DEATHS were mostly from heart or artery disease, which could in turn be linked to raised blood pressure, stress and lack of sleep, scientists from the LSN (London School of Noise) say.

People residing in the loudest areas are also 5% more likely to suffer a stroke (f’narr) than people dwelling in quieter spots, with the extra risk rising to 9% amongst the elderly and those with far less bladder control.

Around 8.6million people living within the M25 provided data for the study, which tracked noise, hospital admission rates and DEATHS between 2003 and 2010.

MAD MAX - FURY ROAD Edge wife never fails to impress these days, what with her new-found techno abilities, and it would appear that we’ve belatedly got into this ‘streaming’ lark via her Hudl (whatever sort of a name is that, and whatever will they think of next?).

Now you’d think that because I like both Thomas Hardy (as lot) and Charlize Theron that I’d have liked this flick, wouldn’t you?

Wrong.

What a clown’s film it really is, and it has to be said, one containing an awful lot of sand.

Verdict: If they handed out Oscars for grunting, Hardy would win outright.

Hackney’s Young have highest chlamydia rates Now The Edge is fully aware that Hackney has nowt to do with Chelmsford, but it is just off the rail link into London and is meant to be proper up-and-coming these days, certainly according to Emma at a canteen at any rate, so The Edge thought it would send out a word of caution by chance this strange type of ‘flower pollen’ is spreadable.

Yep, that’s right, readers, young people in Hackney have the highest rate of chlamydia in the entire country.

Among Hackney’s 15-24 age group the disease is positively rife, having been detected in 4,270 residents per 100,000 population, fuelling concerns about the ways in which young people are putting themselves about (at risk) through unsafe sex.

Now Chlamydia might well be the most common STI in the country, but

by Christ, we don’t want it in Chelmsford, do we, folks?

So lock up your daughters, folks. That’s right, lock ’em down!

Della & Andrew are celebrating 11 years in business at our salon in Springfield Road.

Eleven’s a bit of an odd number, we grant you, but we were actually going to celebrate last year, but our 10th anniversary coincided with the 100th anniversary of World War I, so we thought it would be a bit disrespectful to put up the balloons and the bunting in light of that fact.

The way we were in The Edge back in 2004

So throughout August we are offering our 2004 prices to all our customers, which is the equivalent of a huge 20% DISCOUNT! Coincidentally, Andrew is taking a two week sabbatical during August, so please book early if you’d like an appointment with him. We will also be collecting for ‘Help For Heroes’, so please give generously.

D&A

HAIRDRESSING

Page 20

“Out of town, but not out of touch!”

199 Springfield Road Chelmsford CM1 4AE

Come and enjoy our newly refurbished salon ...now fully air conditioned!

Tel: 01245 257925 Mob: 07789 185 096 The Edge 077 646 797 44

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MOTCO

Man on the Clapham Omnibus

The Daily Swim - an observation The thorny issue of exercise is a constant discussion in the Motty household. That’s probably because it’s a traditional married man’s conversation, mainly one way, with me doing the majority of the listening.

These days, on Saturday mornings, I can regularly be found being put through my paces with a rather excellent personal trainer (the highly recommendable Ed Blaber down at Fitness 364) as I find that this is the best way for me to exercise properly. The rest of the week, I swim at a pool near my office because for some bizarre reason I am far more disciplined at swimming when unsupervised than being left to my own devices in a gym setting.

Now swimming is not the genteel situation it once was. There was a time when a gentleman would meet his manservant at the end of each length, were upon a silver tray carrying a small snifter of whisky would be presented, along with a lighted pipe to have a quick chuff on. On a recent visit, as I was wading up and down the pool, I began to think I was in the English Channel, ploughing through waves being created by a rather selfish individual, so decided to get out and take refuge in the steam room. Watching the chaos through the steamy door window I began to assess some of the different types of swimmers with whom I share my daily ritual.

The Haughty Swan She emerges from the changing room with the towel wrapped around her in the way only a woman can do, seemingly confident that it will always stay where it should. She enters the pool down the walk-in side steps, gently eases down into the water and commences the only stroke she will ever do: traditional breaststroke. It is the haughty swan pose (for younger readers, the word ‘haughty’ is this month’s look up task) that is assumed, with head gracefully above the water at all times, neck extended, head tilted upward, and eyes that will never be closed. There is absolutely no indication of whatever is happening underneath the water, as all you see is the head with pinned up hair gliding serenely along. Ten to fifteen minutes later she will exit the pool, via the same few steps that she entered, and there will be no evidence above the neck that she has been in the water at all, as her hair and make-up all remain resplendent and supremely intact.

She powers out of the changing room in her absolutely sensible swimsuit that is left over from her school days.

On goes the swimming cap in plain white, followed by the nose clip, once again school days surplus. The only new purchase is seemingly her Speedo crash style goggles that barely cover her ‘100% natural’ eyebrows.

She climbs in down the metal steps and, as expected, it is school swimming lesson style front crawl executed text book perfect. You know that Becky was every teacher’s pet and that all the stuff on her desk back at the office has her name on it. At weekends she probably plays netball and chooses to live her life wearing a proper track suit with a netball skirt over the top of the bottoms.

The Water Bulldozer The incredible bulk emerges clad in Speedo budgie smugglers, although peanut smugglers would be more apt. He justifies the inappropriate wear because it says Speedo and somehow that makes it OK. No, actually, it doesn’t. The correct wear would be a pair of bespoke tweed swimming shorts from that fine gentleman’s outdoor clothing tailors Crotch & Crack, in Saville Row. Then this guy, who like Motty no longer needs shampoo such as Wash’n’Go but just Go, actually puts on a swimming cap. Whaaaaat?!?! There is more hair on a sticky sweet than is on his head, so he must simply like ‘the look’, not to mention a pair of the very latest gold reflection Speedo goggles. He dives in to just 1.2 metres of water, despite numerous signs to the contrary, and powers off thrashing about doing a version of the front crawl and bugger everybody else. Waves are now lapping over the edge of the pool sides and he is doing Olympic turns and push-offs in a pool 10 metres long meaning he does about three strokes before getting to the end. Pillock.

Life was so much more agreeable when lunchtimes did not involve exercise. The only swimming would be in one’s head as a result of too much ale and claret, whilst popping to your club meant something entirely different. So now I think it is time for a new steam room based exercise: Welcome to Mottocise. The obligatory water bottle can be filled with a nicely disguised G&T and a menthol cigarette in the steam room would obviously go unnoticed. Now that is a broad appeal gym plan if ever I heard of one!

Rebecca/Becky/Bex Every office has a Becky. In days past she would have been called Bev or Sandra.

Yours Aye, Motty.

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The Edge 226_The Edge 172.qxd 22/07/2015 18:13 Page 22

ONLY JOKING! MAKE YOUR MIND UP

A man was riding on a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman sat next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

Only the baby wasn’t having any of it, so she said, "Come on now, sweetie, drink it all up or I'll have to give it to the nice man sitting next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey, please drink Mummy’s milk or I'll give it to the nice man sitting next to us."

Then, a few minutes later, the anxious man, red in the face, blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make your bloody mind up. I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”

TOUR DE FRANCE Paddy shook his head and asked, "Why do they do dat?"

"Do what?" asked Mick.

"Go on dem boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends, day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin’, snowin’, hailin’? Why would they torture themselves loike dat?"

"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick. "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros?

"Yeah, I understand dat," says Paddy. "But why do all t’e others bother t’do it?"

CONCEALED GUN PERMIT My husband received his Concealed Gun Permit the other day, so went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection. When he was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, he did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, he found out she was referring to how he should place his credit card in the card reader and in future, he's been asked to shop elsewhere.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer, don’t you think?

And he still doesn't think he looked that bad, as a matter of fact.

IT’S A DOG’S LIFE If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of some sort of a weird religious cult.

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and simply get used to the idea.

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation like a dog does.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

NINE POINTS TO PONDER Do you have the mental capacity to comprehend the meaning of these statements? It requires a real deep thinker to grasp these most important facts of life.

9 - Death is the number one killer in the world.

8 - Life is sexually transmitted.

7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person how to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe even years.

4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather, which pays absolutely no attention to criticism.

2 - In the 60's, people took drugs to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people are taking anti-depressants to make it seem normal again.

1 - Life is like a jar of chilli chutney. What you enjoy today might come back and burn your ass tomorrow.

DERBY & JOAN CLUB It was an entertainment night at the Chelmsford Derby & Joan Club. After the community singalong led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist, to take to the stage.

Claude explained that he was going to put everyone into a trance at the same time.

"Yes, each and every one of you," beamed Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to a silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat a beautiful antique gold pocket watch on a chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude, holding it high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," he said.

Then he began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch. Watch the watch. Watch the watch...."

I may not be a ‘tweeter’ or know a great deal about bird identification, but what I do know is that in this picture there are obviously four females and only one male.

The audience soon became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth with over two hundred pairs of eyes following its movement until they were all in a trance.

Then, suddenly, the chain broke and the beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst into pieces upon impact.

"SHIT!" exclaimed Claude.

It took three days to clean the Derby & Joan Club and Claude was never invited there again.

TOM’S TABLETS Tom had a problem of oversleeping in the morning, so was always late for work. His boss was mad as hell at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to see his doctor who gave him some tablets and told him to take one each night before he went to bed.

Tom slept incredibly well the first night he took one of the tablets and in fact even beat the alarm in the morning.

So he enjoyed a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully in to work.

"Boss," he said, "the tablets I’m on actually seem to have worked!"

"Great," said his boss. "But where the hell were you yesterday?"

VIAGRA PRANK There was a family gathering with all generations gathered around the table.

Mischievous teenagers thought it would be a highly amusing prank to put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, so they did. After a while, Grandpa excused himself because he needed to go to the bathroom. When he returned, however, his trousers were soaked wet through.

“What happened in there?” his wife asked him.

“Well,” he stammered, “I don't rightly know to tell the truth. I knew I needed to go to the bathroom, only when I took it out and started to pee, I didn’t recognise what was in my hands, so I put it away again as I thought I’d made a mistake.”

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MONICA LEWINSKY After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at her naked self in a mirror, remembering her time with Bill Clinton.

Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call upon God for help.

"God,” she called, “if you take away my love handles, I will steadfastly devote my life to you, and only you," she prayed.

And, just like that....her ears fell off.

Touching story, isn't it?

More next month, folks.

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 226_The Edge 172.qxd 23/07/2015 09:59 Page 23

theEDGE turns matchmaker

Your editor attended a wedding at Crabbs Barn, Kelvedon, recently and what an excellent venue that is, yet previously I’d never even heard of it, let alone been there.

But anyway, I got chatting to a really lovely lady called Donna (50) who’s 100% single after a divorce (not recent), her kids are grown up and off her hands, and she confessed to me that finding love once again would be wonderful, but she’s simply given up the search after trying numerous dating agencies and other bits and bobs.

Donna clearly looks after herself and is fit - she likes both walking and cycling - attractive, active and incredibly practical and handy (i.e. she really can fix stuff, guys!).

But for all of her grace and talents,

she just can’t find a suitable guy.

OK, so this is where The Edge comes in, because surely there’s a guy out there reading this who would just jump at the chance of meeting Donna - or perhaps you’re reading this and are thinking of someone you know would like to meet her?

If so, get in touch! Simply email shaun@theedgemag.co.uk and state your case including a recent (I said recent) photograph and tell me why I should pass on your details to someone who could become the love of your life.

But you’ve got to convince me you’re both honest and trustworthy first, OK, as The Edge’s reputation is at stake here, so only genuine people please get in touch?

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The Edge 226_The Edge 172.qxd 23/07/2015 10:38 Page 24

The Fling Festival 2015

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Liam Rich, Events Manager for Chelmsford City Council, says: “Early feedback indicates that this years Fling festival was the best Fling festival ever! On Saturday 4th July we had over 4,300 festival-goers join us at Hylands Park to enjoy over 400 performers and artistes. Highlights of the day included The Dub Pistols headlining the Field Stage, BBC 6 DJ Shaun Keaveny playing a very popular set in the silent disco tent, whilst crowds flocked to both the comedy, burlesque and cabaret areas. And it was truly wonderful seeing people trying something new in both the dance and craft tents, whilst there was definitely something for everyone with the forum hosting a number of rather heated debates.”

Liam adds: “We’ve had some really nice comments from people saying that The Fling festival had a really lovely relaxed and friendly feel to it this year, and that they were amazing to find this type of event in Chelmsford.”

Sadly The Edge wasn’t present as its crew were camping in St.David’s, Pembrokeshire...otherwise the numbers would have been swelled to 4,304 ....but hey, there’s always next year!

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I don’t know about you, readers, but I’ve never been too good where heights are concerned and photographs like this one simply make me go a bit ‘funny’ inside.

It’s the sheer distance the chap’s got to fall to a mangled death, or possibly, worse still, spending the remainder of his days in a wheelchair sucking his meals through a straw.

And here’s the thing...say the poor chap did fall...what would go through his mind upon his descent?

They say everything goes in slow motion, don’t they, which means the fall potentially lasts longer (bugger that). So what sort of thing might he be thinking, hmmmm?

Presumably: ‘I knew I was taking a bit of a risk with those damn ladders.’

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Poor goldfish - talk about getting your priorities right!

Thing is , you can’t beat an ice-cold beer in the summertime and that’s a fact - although I’d have to be pretty desperate to ever sink a Budweiser.

I’m already dreading the winter and all of the short, grey daylight hours, as it’s just been so wonderfully glorious of late.

The other Saturday we had friends round for drinks and a bite. It was a shame they had to leave at 11:30pm, but I ended up staying up until 5:00am, drinking throughout the night (oooer) and listening to music through my head-phones, watching the dawn break and a little hedgehog wandering around ‘Edge Towers’ back garden.

You don’t get to do that in February, do you?

Have to say that I vigorously object to The Kingmeister’s accusations (see next page) of your editor having “fifteen holidays a year� though. Twelve would be plenty (one week away per month), whereas in truth, I’ve had just two weeks away in India this year, way back in January, with just a couple of three and four day long-weekend UK camping trips since, so nothing extravagant, which is something I don’t really do or care for (I’m much more of an earthy sort of bloke at heart).

I am busy planning Sri Lanka, at the end of January 2016, though. shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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The Edge 226_The Edge 172.qxd 22/07/2015 18:14 Page 26

HAPPY HOLIDAYS Since my last article you may be surprised to learn that someone has actually employed me and I’m back to working full-time, rather than spending my days doing stuff like actually enjoying myself. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’ve been very lucky to find a good job in such a short space of time, so I’m not complaining. Well, not much.

My new job is both interesting and challenging and my new colleagues are a really good laugh, so I’m actually very happy to be there.

With all that being said though, by God, I need a holiday.

Some of you might wonder why I’d need a break after essentially being on holiday since February, but trust me, the Great Big Adventure was most definitely not a relaxing sojourn and sometimes you just need to spend a week in the sun doing nothing but eating and drinking far too much.

My girlfriend and I have been looking at holidays recently and, as she’s a lecturer and has children, it means that I now get to experience the delights of booking a holiday during peak season. I’ve never had to worry about that before and had only heard the tales of woe from my friends who have kids as they waited for NASA to calculate the astronomical price of them.

“Haha! How much?!”

I can’t remember for sure, but I’m relatively certain that I used to be insufferably smug about being able to go away whenever I liked, so all of my friends with children can now rest easy, knowing that their misery has some new and suitably chastened company. While weighing up our options and working out just how many body parts we’d have to sell on the black market to pay for it, we even looked into going to Center Parcs, but all I can say is: “Feck me!”

I thought the website had screwed up and was showing me the interest owed on the national debt, not the price of just three nights in a log cabin in bloody Suffolk. I’m sorry, Center Parcs, but calling it ‘Elveden Forest’, like it’s some magical, enchanted heartland, doesn’t cut the mustard either. If I went for a weekend break in Rivendell and Elrond tried to charge me that much, I’d tell him exactly where to stick his pointy ears.

ME & MY adamantium skeleton

Pink Floyd agree with me too!

The Kingmeister reports

Yes, Elrond.

Right up your arse.

If I thought the initial price was a bit steep, it got even worse as I scrolled down the page and saw all the extra charges they were about to gleefully slap round my slack-jawed face. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Center Parcs, they’re basically the RyanAir of holidays and charge you for pretty much anything they can get away with.

Would you like some oxygen in your cabin? That’ll be an extra £50. Oh, you’re bringing a dog?

We’ll collect the soul of your firstborn on your way out.

They even levy additional charges depending on how far your cabin is from the weird dome thingy that looks like a set from ‘Logan’s Run’.

If they did include a mad robot that wanted to freeze everyone alive whilst laughing maniacally, or naked Jenny Agguter circa 1976, then that would be a different matter altogether. I’d even take the room where you can float about for a bit and then explode, which would be much less painful than looking at your bank statement after your holiday.

Totally worth it Page 26

much more of value visiting a foreign country and meeting new people than they would dozing through 5 more days of the standard curriculum. I’m sure it will come as no surprise that I’m a huge advocate for travel being an immensely enriching experience and I genuinely believe that there are many different types of education that are just as valid, if not more so, than simply school alone.

Obviously the closer you are to the dome, the more it costs, and I think the cheapest option works out that you’re so far away you’re actually staying at your own house and paying Center Parcs for the privilege. There’s also an option to stay in the ‘exclusive’ area which looks suspiciously like it might be surrounded by armed guards and only let in white, heterosexual Christians - the WACO of holiday accommodation. Don’t get me wrong, I get it. It’s basic economics, supply and demand, and all the other shit we say to convince ourselves that a socio-economic system predicated on greed is actually OK. But when you’re raising your prices almost 200% literally overnight, then you’re simply taking the piss.

When I can manage to get an allinclusive week abroad for the same price, or even slightly less, than a weekend at the cult compound, sorry, Center Parcs, then something is seriously wrong somewhere. Even more amazing is that most of the dates we looked at were already booked, so there are obviously plenty of people happily shelling out their life savings for this ludicrously overpriced Hi-De-Hi tomfoolery.

We spend so much of our lives (far too much, in my opinion) working that taking that yearly break is almost a necessity rather than a luxury (just ask our esteemed editor how precious his 15 holidays a year are!) and it’s bloody criminal that the holiday companies and airlines are allowed to gleefully sodomise us between July and September without even the courtesy of a reach-around. And let’s not even talk about that most heinous crime of taking your kids out of school during term time.

Actually, we will talk about that.

What’s the big deal? How is missing a few days or, God forbid, even a week of schooling going to irrevocably damage their education? I’d argue that kids would even learn

If it’s that much of an issue then why not build a holiday into the curriculum as an option? And let the kids write a report, or give a talk or something, when they get back? Let them share what they’ve seen and done and learned with their friends and classmates and hopefully fire their imaginations and enrich their lives a little too.

I’m sure most parents would be quite happy to spend half an hour or so every day they’re away to work on a little school project with their kids, particularly if it allowed them a bit more flexibility as regards when they can take their holidays, not to mention saving them a few hundred quid a year.

Just because ‘this is the way we’ve always done things’ doesn’t mean they’re necessarily the best way of doing said things, although, strangely, we always seem to err on the side of caution in that respect when it might end up biting into a big companies profit margins. Good grief, they might not be able to afford as much in bribes, sorry, political donations if we started making them play fair, now would they?

You, me, all of us deserve a holiday. More than that, we all deserve to pay a fair price and not be rooked by every Shylock with a plane or a hotel and think it’s acceptable, because it bloody well isn’t. Getting sunburned, losing our luggage and shitting through the eye of a needle for a few days are our inalienable rights and it’s high time we stopped being held to ransom by the modern-day Dick Turpins’ of the travel industry.

In less than a week, I’ll be sitting in the sun outside a restaurant I’m reliably informed sells a metre of Tapas (is Tapas actually measured by the metre?) and drinking an ice cold beer and I’ll be loving every second of it, no matter how much it costs.

What? I’ve been back at work a whole three weeks now, andf already I’m having a holiday?

You’re damn right I am - and I’m looking forward to it!

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The Edge 226_The Edge 172.qxd 23/07/2015 10:22 Page 27

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The Edge 226_The Edge 172.qxd 23/07/2015 09:59 Page 28

Max Headroom’s

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ARE LONDONERS RUDE? Hidden cameras, as part of a social experiment, have revealed how people in the capital really treat each other when it comes to the crunch and a total stranger is in need of help. The results were frankly pretty amazing, if not to say surprising, as it appears that cockernees do have a heart. Indeed, one Londoner can be seen racing down a set of stairs to help an elderly woman struggling with a heavy suitcase, whilst a mechanic loans a chap a monkey wrench to break into his car after he’d inadvertently locked the keys inside....and least he said it was his car.

And after a good deed had been witnessed, a brass band would appear, as if from nowhere, to serenade the worthy cock(ernee).

SEAGULL ATTACK ON PIANIST

One of Britain’s leading pianists has been forced to pull out of a concert after being dive-bombed by an angry seagull.

Paul Lewis (43) was walking to rehearsals when the nesting gull swooped down on him like something out of a Alfred Hitchcock movie, causing him to fall arse-over-tit and sprain his precious finger.

The acclaimed virtuoso was then forced to cancel his performances with the Royal Scouse Philharmonic Orchestra.

“The seagull just swooped down on me from behind without any warning whatsoever,” said the pianist. “I suspect it was nesting and there were ickle seagulls that it was trying to protect, as I certainly wasn’t holding an ice-cream at that particular time of the day.”

Friend of The Edge ‘Bernard the Butcher’ Tennet was also once divebombed by a seagull, but very recently well and truly got his own back.

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UFO SIGHTINGS DOUBLED LAST MONTH Whether it was a huge black flying saucer hovering over Stonehenge, or a load of tiny dots spotted above the Chelmsford Beer Festival, it definitely seems that aliens were pretty busy last month as the number of UFO sightings doubled to 1,1780 - which was a rise of just over 600 sightings for the same period in the previous year (2014).

So could we be on the verge of ‘disclosure’ whereby world governments finally ‘fess up’ to the fact that they’ve been in cahoots with the little green men from outer space for decades?

Nah, because when it comes to the crunch, we’re only ever told what they want us to hear, and that’s a fact.

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The sun always shines in southern California, it never rains, everyone is built like a Greek God/ess and there is no unhappiness. It’s paradise on earth and everyone feels lucky and thankful to be living here. That’s how it goes, isn’t it?

CALIFORNIA DREAMIN’

Well, yes in many ways, SoCal is pretty much as good as it gets, but it certainly isn’t total Nirvana.

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Let’s bust a few myths. '

Firstly, the climate in San Diego is undoubtedly one of the best in the world. But....we do suffer from what is known in these parts as June Gloom. Every year for a few weeks in late May and/or early June the marine layer that is an ever present bank of cloud in coastal California is particularly heavy. It lingers all day instead of disappearing early morning as the sun burns it off like it does the rest of the year.

It’s amazing that this total lack of sunshine for three, maybe four weeks, can have such a huge effect on your psyche. In the UK the consequences of Seasonal Affective Disorder is a well known and scientifically proven phenomenon. It’s that general feeling of depression a lot of people get in October and November as the autumn sets in and the skies get properly grey and you realise you’re not going to be warm again for at least six months.

Out here you’d think that having been blessed with almost year round sunshine we’d put up with three or four weeks of cloud without complaint, wouldn’t you? But no, June Gloom makes us miserable

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

MYTHBUSTERS and we can’t wait for the sun to return.

Petrol out here is ridiculously cheap, right? It certainly is compared to the UK. Doing all the litres to gallons and pounds to dollars conversions, us Californians pay less than half what you do. The stuff costs about $3.30 a gallon out here. But still we moan. That’s because the disparity across the country is massive. If, for some odd reason, I’d wanted to set up home in South Carolina, I could be paying just $2.20 a gallon. So instead of counting ourselves fortunate not to be paying European prices for gas, we grumble that we’re paying way too much compared to our southern cousins over there in redneck country.

Taxes. The US is a low-tax economy, isn’t it? No, it bloody well isn’t.

by Steve Ward

The Federal income tax rate might be lower than it is in the UK, but on top of that we have to pay a state income tax, sometimes a city one too, and then there are the ubiquitous property taxes. Property Tax is akin to the Council Tax back there, but is, let me tell you, infinitely higher in desirable areas. So here in San Diego, the Property Tax comes in at around 1.5% of your property value. Equate that to what you’re paying. If your place in Chelmsford is worth £250k, then under SoCal rules your Council Tax bill would be £3,750 a year. The current demand from the Borough Council doesn’t look quite so bad now, does it?

Homelessness. Despite the stuff about June Gloom back there a bit, it has to be acknowledged that the climate here is particularly benign and generally rather wonderful. One

of the negative impacts of that fact is that it attracts a huge number of homeless people. I guess if you’re going to live on the streets, doing it where the worst overnight temperature you are going to have to endure is around 10 degrees Celsius makes sense. Beggars are a fact of life in all big cities everywhere - London included - and residents very quickly learn to be immune from the sob stories. But you’d have to be very heartless to see these people and not have a small tinge of shame that you have a comfortable existence and they don’t. Not enough shame to give them cash though. And certainly not enough to withhold the thought that ‘someone’ should do ‘something’ to get rid of them.

Drought. It’s made the news back there so you will be aware that California is in the midst of a drought of biblical proportions. We have ever increasing water use restrictions. For example, you can’t wash your car (result) except at a commercial enterprise. However, the gripe from us normal citizens is that we are being penalised whilst the farmers, who use 90% of the State’s water, are allowed to carry on as normal. So we whinge about it.

So there you go. A few myths busted. Also an acknowledgement that despite the well deserved reputation of Americans being of a generally positive and forward looking disposition, they are not immune from a bit of a whinge every now and then.

And on that very British tone, over and out for another month.

You can contact Wardo at steveward2000@hotmail.com

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ROCKING ALL OVER THE WORLD Can it really be possible that Live Aid !

As the famous saying goes, ‘Hell is Other People’, and that’s never more true than those tiny infuriating little things people do that are really perfectly normal, but they drive you to truly want to sock them one. So here are the top 5 things people find the worst.

1. Overly-dramatic and noisy sneezers. Those that make a whole performance out of a perfectly normal bodily function. It’s kind of a ‘look at me’ sneeze. But remember, sneezing is not, and never will be, an Oscar Winner.

TOTALLY TRACIE DIRTY HABITS

2. The Car Park Drawler. The car park is packed, so you circle around and around. Then you spot someone returning to their car so you hover whilst they unpack all of their shopping from their trolley into their car.

Only then they start to check and recheck their shopping list. And all this time you are waiting patiently for them to get in their car and get going.

Only when they eventually get in there’s a whole lot more phaffing about...and then they proceed to eat a sandwich. Yep, they’re guaranteed to make you want to go over and smash their windscreen in.

3. No Brainers. I am particularly guilty of this one! People who find it impossible to remember what they ordered in a restaurant just fifteen minutes ago, so never put their hand up to claim it!

4. Whistlers. People who whistle, hum, tap their feet or pretend to be finger drummers. Just stop it, will you? You are the most annoying folk on the planet and everyone positively hates you.

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5. Health Freaks (I am beginning to get seriously worried about this list now). Surely the most annoying people on the planet are those who are on faddish carb free diets who bring '295 -'<+ )5=D9 3/21 kippers and ;6 boiled eggs into'4* work 9and stink the whole room out with their foul food fads - whilst telling everyone else how incredibly healthy they are!

was 30 years ago? Where did the years go? Live Aid was the greatest rock event ever staged and probably will never be equalled in our 58 .'<+ :5 9'? :.+8+ /9again 45 ,++2/4lifetime.

I was lucky to be there and C sit at the front of the stage, as my mother made(++4 some-5/4of the5;: costumes. .'<+ '295 358+ I' remember it like it was yesterday.

It was all put together by Bob Geldof on a wing and a prayer. He announced that stars such as Status Quo, Bryan Ferry, Queen and Mick Jagger had all agreed to perform for ! free, even though they hadn’t. This persuaded other stars to jump onto the bandwagon. There was even a premature announcement from BG that The Who were to re-form for the concert, even though at the time Pete Townsend and Roger Daltrey were in the midsts of a huge legal battle and were not even talking to each other.

The Who got their own back on Geldof, who ran a strict 17 minute time slot per act. Once the red light showed on stage it was the cue to get off. Only Townsend smashed it and carried on playing, much to Geldof’s annoyance.

Noel Edmonds flew stars in by helicopter. Phil Collins played at Wembley, then jetted straight out by Concord to play in New York but 4 hours later. He met Cher on the flight, who had not even heard of Live Aid, but 4 hours after that, she too was on stage in New York. $ Harvey Goldsmith, the producer, wanted to launch Mick Jagger into space to duet with David Bowie on earth. So he apparently called NASA to ask if they had a space shuttle launching anytime soon and was there room for Mick on board.

Apparently the NASA scientists said, “Who is this nutcase?”

U2 nearly flounced off because they were not given a soundcheck, while Elton John brought his own fleet of dressing rooms and caterers and was seen flipping burgers for the other stars and himself!

The Beatles declined to take part, even with Julian Lennon standing in for his father. Freddie Mercury brought the house down. Adam Ant sang an obscure song and got booed off stage.

David Bowie, the unsung hero, performed ‘live’ on stage, but gave away his air time so a video could be shown of the starving children.

Robert Plant and Jimmy Paige have blocked the use of their performances ever being shown again, blaming Phil Collins for bashing away and ruining their rendition of ‘Stairway To Heaven’ - a feud that still remains to this '3day.

45: 9;8+ :.': '-8++ (;: /: *Sir Bob was the last to leave Wembley and had to hitch a lift home. Someone driving along gave him a lift as far as the City and kicked him out, unaware of who he even was. He had to walk the rest of the way in the early hours alone after putting on the greatest show on earth and it’s something I will never, ever forget. I just wish I cold rewind the clock and do it all over again.

Tracie123@aol.com

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