The Edge Magazine December

18/11/2011

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EDGE

the ISSUE NO: 182

www.theedgemag.co.uk

PUB & Dining Nestled between Writtle and Roxwell

‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

The Edge Chelmsford CM2 6XD

Telephone 01245 348256

01245 421894

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DECEMBER 2011

Mobile: 077 646 797 44

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Y! HURR r you k o o B or outdo s a Christm n o functi NOW!

‘DRIN AS MU K CH YOU L AS BARS IKE’ FOR A SET PRICE

“THE BUBBLY IS ON US!”

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Check this out! This right cheeky monkey apparently hijacked a photographer’s camera and began clicking away with the self-portraits. Talk about being in love with yourself. Not bad gnashers either, for a simian - they all normally resemble Austin Powers on the enamel front. You do feel like you could engage monkeys in a bit of conversation though, don’t you - rather than the inane drivel you might offer to a cat or a dog. Stuff like, “Fancy a cigar, monkey?” Or, “Fancy a quick pint down the pub?”

ESSEX BOYS GENTLEMAN’S BARBERS SHOP NOW OPEN

FOR THE SMOOTHEST SHAVE IN TOWN! 20 New London Road, Chelmsford, CM2 0SW TELEPHONE 01245 258306

See also Chelmsford Barber Shop opp. Chelmsford Market High Chelmer Shopping Centre

The Edge 077 646 797 44

ESSEX BOYS is situated directly opposite Wetherspoons

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The Edge Editor’s Column WHY COMPROMISE?

‘Arbitration. A settlement of differences by concession on each side. Partial waiving of theories or principles. To settle a difference of opinion by taking the middle course.’

We compromise in order to ‘get along’, for ‘a quiet life’, to ‘reach some sort of agreement’. Of course we do. And it’s only right that we should.

After all, we are a civilised society.

But genuinely how happy are we to do so; that would appear to be the question?

Let’s take a very simple scenario, because no matter the complexity of any situation, the outcome’s generally the same if you compromise.

Here we go.... Roughly 20 years ago, I once farted rather loudly at the dinner table round at a couple’s house. At that precise moment, the female half of the equation happened to be taking her carefully crafted dessert out of the oven, when she immediately rotated her head 90 degrees and gave me absolute daggers, which I probably deserved.

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Looking back on it, I like to think I had said, just before my arsehole unleashed a hot rush of molten air into my undercrackers (there were 4 of us dining at the time, the other person being a female friend of theirs whom I’d only just met, which I guess makes my lack of manners even worse), “Would anyone mind if I farted?”

The reply immediately came from my mate and it was an adamant, “Yes, we certainly would.”

Somewhat unreasonably, I remember asking, “Why’s that then?” (ooooh, the temerity of me in those younger days).

“Because she doesn’t like it,” he said (although he did use his partner’s name, but I’d best not state it here for fear of revealing their identities).

But the point is this: I went ahead and farted anyway (hey, I must have figured the asking was the polite part).

So did that make it one-nil to The Edge (in my pre-Edge days)? Naaa, for such would have been a hollow victory at best, whilst the outcome turned out to be a definite black mark (or should that be a brown stain) on my copybook.

The upshot was that there was no compromise whatsoever and there followed an uncomfortable few minutes before she got over it and he, for her sake, managed to suppress a bout of the giggles at the awkwardness of the situation.

So the question begs, what would have been an ideal compromise?

For me not to have farted? I don’t think so. I was a guest, after all, and to have restrained such a humdinger (think of the brass section of the London Philharmonic starting off) would surely have caused me acute tummy-ache.

How about this then: for me to have let out but half-a-fart (and possibly risked soiling myself in the process)? Oh, I don’t really think so.

At this juncture, some of you might well be huffing and puffing and thinking that this is all quite preposterous, on the grounds that such a situa-

The Star Inn at Ingatestone

tion should never have arisen in the first place.

After all, who accepts an invitation to dinner and then boughs at the table, albeit in between courses?

Quite clearly, I did, although I’m somewhat of a reformed character these days.

Similar situations arise in domestic households the length and breadth of the country over the likes of the TV remote-control device, with many couples deciding to buy a second TV, placing it in another room entirely, and ultimately choosing to see not so much of each another in future.

Then there’s the tricky situation of where to book your next holiday if, for example, she’s a sun-worshipper and he’s (perhaps) a twitcher.

So I guess it stands to reason that if the people living within a domestic household sometimes cannot come to a compromise, what chance entire countries and nations?

THE ‘JOY’ OF CHRISTMAS

Don’t expect anything gushingly Christmassy in this particular edition, readers, cos The Edge simply ain’t into the W.F.C. (whole festive con).

And the weather’s generally crap too.

Do you know that the Tesco’s stores in our town erected their Christmas trees on 1st Nov.?

There ought to be a law against that sort of thing. In fact, there ought to be a law against promoting Christmas at all, at least until 1st December, in this publication’s humble opinion.

CLOCKS BACK

The Edge has a dyslexic friend who covered his penis with black shoe polish at the end of October, the daft twat.

Merry Christmas, readers. Bah, humbug!

THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 01245 348256 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The White Hart Inn

“The home of real ale and good food.”

Just Voted ‘BEST REAL ALE PUB OF THE YEAR’ at the Essex Life Food & Drinks awards “A traditional country pub with a warm welcome and a great atmosphere always serving at least 6 real ales in superb condition straight from the cask!”

BOOK NOW FOR CHRISTMAS! Christmas Parties catered for - please see our website for further details!

This Christmas, why not come and enjoy a joyously warm & relaxed atmosphere in which fabulous food, fine wines and champagnes & traditional real ales are all served for your pleasure.

The White Hart, Swan Lane, Margaretting Tye, CM4 9JX. Tel: 01277 840478 www.thewhitehart.uk.com

Christmas menu now available! Open Christmas Day for drinks and Boxing Day for food & drinks.

Regular ‘live’ music and themed ‘Food & Wine’ evenings - see our website for details!

The Star Inn, 45 The High Street, Ingatestone, CM4 9DU. Tel: 01277 356441 enquiries@thestar.uk.com Page 4

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Surely this can’t be true?

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but only with her bare hands (and not a set of golf clubs).

POOR SOD

This picture appeared on the Jokes Page last month and The Edge loves it so much it reckons it’s worth a second airing.

You can tell it’s a fake though, so there’s really no point in any of you getting all over-emotional about this fellows poorly cobblers.

In fact, the people in beds on that Holby City rubbish ought to have ‘proper fake injuries’ like this too, if they honestly want to boost their ratings (The Edge has never actually seen a single episode, but reckons they’ve got to be struggling for viewers, surely?).

But you’ve got to feel sorry for anyone who’s laid up like this at Christmas, haven’t you?

Because it’s such a wonderful, magical time of the year, isn’t it?

Pagh! The Edge’s arse it is.

When your editor was a whippersnapper, he once had tonsillitis & measles right the way over the festive period and the only things he can really remember about it were (a) I didn’t want the lights on on the Christmas tree as my ‘condition’ meant their glow hurt my eyes, and (b) how the bloody hell did Santa get that three-wheelered bike down the chimney?

www.theedgemag.co.uk

There are men in Guam whose full-time job it is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the very first time. Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden to marry if you are a virgin.

Ain’t that a job-and-a-half?

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, but only in tropical fish stores. Oh come on???

In Cali (Columbia), a woman may only have sex with her husband for the very first time whilst her mother is present in the same room to witness the act. OMG. In Santa Cruz (Bolivia), it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (The mind boggles over the fact that it was seemingly a big enough problem for a law to need passing in the first place.)

Ali’s Taxis 46-46-46

inc. 8 seater mini-buses Airport Trips Corporate Accounts Welcome

An ant can lift 50 times its own weight and pull 30 times its own weight, the flash bastard.

An ostrich’s eyes are bigger than its brain.

Turtles can breathe through their arse.

But is any of this stuff true? I mean, it was sent to The Edge by a regular Edge reader, so presumably it must be true....or is it all bollocks?

Maybe The Edge has liars for readers?

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How wise you are NEVER to go abroad?

Genuinely supplied by Thomas Cook Holidays listing some of their customer’s complaints.... ''I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits such as custard-creams and ginger-nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during their 'siesta' time, which should be banned.”

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.

I don't like spicy food."

"We booked an excursion to a water park, but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a water hole who spotted a visibly aroused elephant complained that the sight of the rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call the police after claiming she'd been locked in by hotel staff when, in fact, she had mistaken the ‘do not disturb’ sign on the back of her bedroom door as a warning to remain where she was.

"The beach was far too sandy for our particular liking."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as being yellow, but it was almost white."

Freshly made sandwiches, jacket potatoes, salad boxes, homemade soups, cakes & much much more!

Duke Street. Tel: 01245 499114

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. As it turned out, he was inadvertently spooning gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. My holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) each from a street trader, only to later discover they were fakes."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"There was no egg slicer in our apartment..."

"We went on holiday to Spain and had an immediate problem with the taxi drivers who only seemed to speak the native language."

"The roads were incredibly uneven."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica, but it only took the Americans three hours to get back."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and theirs was significantly larger."

"The brochure states: 'No hairdressers at accommodation'. As we are trainee hairdressers, would it be OK if we wanted to stay there?"

"There were too many Italian people for our liking. The receptionist spoke mainly Italian. The food was mainly Italian. In our humble opinion, far too many foreigners now live abroad."

"We were forced to queue outside with no air conditioning whatsoever."

"It is your duty, as a tour operator, to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one told us they could bite."

DOORS - DOORS - DOORS ‘Cheerful Bob’ & Bros. inc. ‘Serious Chris’ & ‘Forgetful Dave’ - ‘all Alive & Fitting!”

Family Business Est. 1979 Internal/External, Hardwood/Softwood, Stairs & Spindles a speciality.

Visit our door stall on Saturday’s at Chelmsford Market

01245 361201 0777 893 8920 Page 6

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room, only to be placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that since returning home, I now find myself pregnant. This would never have happened if you had put us in a room like we requested."

They walk amongst us.

And, pray God, they actually VOTE too.

Be afraid!

Be very afraid!

The Edge particularly loves the first one about the holidaymakers who were most put out because they couldn’t stock up on their favourite English biscuits whilst they were abroad.

Classic! Yet you see such people every time you travel.

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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charge reasonable costs to remove it themselves; • Section 148, it is an offence to deposit anything to the interruption to any user of the highway; • Section 149, the Highways Authority may make a complaint to a Magistrates Court to remove dangerous structures and claim costs from the person involved; • Section 115 enables the Council to licence advertising material on the highway with the approval of adjacent premises.

• Section 225 of the Town and Country Planning Act 1990 permits the local authority to deal with contraventions of advertisement consent.

• The Clean Neighbourhoods and environment Act 2005 amended section 225 above to the extent that authorities can charge reasonable costs to serve notice on a person/company being advertised irrespective of who placed the advert.

Mick McDonagh A Pain in the A-board

Clutter, such as A-boards and other obstructions, have proliferated throughout Chelmsford town centre to such an extent that one is these days hard pressed to walk no more than a very few paces in a straight line in any direction before encountering one.

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Things have gone from bad to worse in recent years as businesses copied their neighbours by placing ‘free’ advertising on the public highway with seeming impunity.

A-boards make things extremely difficult, particularly for blind and partially sighted people, to negotiate in the townscape. They can be a nuisance at best, but worse can result in collision injuries that could potentially be life threatening if somebody happens to walk into the road whilst attempting to avoid an obstruction. Rotating or ‘swinging’ A-boards are even more hazardous.

But it is not only the blind who are inconvenienced; think of the elderly; people who use wheel chairs or who have mobility impairments; parents with child buggies; basically a large cross-section of the customer profile of the very businesses that are responsible for the obstacle course in the first place. Last week alone, I counted 132 A-boards in the town centre core, which did not include 15 items in the new part of Moulsham Street that the local authority have just spent over £500,000 on pavement widening for pedestrians.

The pavement is for pedestrians, not for free advertising space for selfish, irresponsible traders. If there business is entirely dependent on an A-board, then they had better revisit their business plan and go back to the basics of right product, right place, right price, right people, right time.

Legislation

There is a plethora of Highways legislation relating to structures such as A-boards and whilst some of it requires legal clarification, the following could apply:

It does say ‘WALK’, doesn’t it?

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• Section 28 of the Town and Police Clauses Act 1847 makes it almost certainly an offence to place A-boards on the footway; • Section 132 of the Highways Act 1980, it is an offence to affix a sign on a highway; • Section 137, it is an offence to obstruct free passage along the highway; • Section 143, the Highway Authority can serve notice on a person to remove a structure or

So why are A-boards still on our streets?

The Highway Act 1980 clearly demonstrates that the Highways Authority has a duty to maintain and repair the highway so that it is free of danger to all users. Therefore, said authority has a duty to clear unauthorised obstructions and seemingly the legal powers to do so, for not to do so could constitute a breach of duty, a failure to protect vulnerable members of the public.

So I say again: WHY ARE A-BOARDS STILL ON OUR STREETS?

Celtic Wisdom

I have been complaining about the ever increasing numbers of A-boards for some considerable time, but in the summer of 2010, a personal encounter in Ireland motivated me sufficiently to want to take matters to the next level.

I regularly visit my ‘tribe’ on the west coast of Ireland and during August 2010, I stopped off in Galway en route to the ‘old house’ in Carraroe (an cheathru rua loosely meaning red rocky place in the old tongue). Galway is known as the city of the tribes and gateway to the scenic coastal areas of Connemara. It has recently (by some obscure survey) been voted one of the eight ‘sexiest cities in the world’! The city streets are relatively narrow, comprising many small independent shops and cafes similar to the thoroughfares of Colchester. Naturally there is an extremely vibrant music/arts scene. On this particular day, I walked into the main pedestrianised area to be confronted by mayhem. It transpired that the city council had declared war on flyposting, buskers and A-boards; in fact, anything on the streets that was not supposed to be there. The ‘craic was mighty’ as two Garda police officers kept the peace whilst community personnel were following a flat-bed truck up the street loading it with large café menu boards, promotional paraphernalia, tables, chairs etc.

Unauthorised buskers and street sellers were briskly moved on. Shop, bar and café owners were remonstrating with the officials, but to no avail, much to the hilarity of shoppers, tourists and visitors, such as myself. I had a conversation with a philosophical-sounding shop owner who, having lost two bay trees in pots to the ‘purge’, admitted that it had been a long time coming and everybody had been warned and given formal notice to remove unauthorised items from the public highways. “But you know how it is,” he said, “the council always talk about it, but usually never get around to doing anything!”

Bugger, we’ve run out of space! This article will have to continue next month, readers. E.E.

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ChristmasLunchMenu December 2011 £20 per head

! Starters !

Soup - Homemade tomato & red pepper with basil yoghurt topping with a fresh crusty roll Love at First Bite - Cup mushrooms filled with smooth brussels paté then deep fried in golden breadcrumbs with a garlic dip Little Rib Off - Baby back ribs baked slowly in our famous smoked bar-b-q sauce Salmon Terrine - Smoked salmon paté with salt & pepper crostini Baked Camembert - With spicy cranberry compote and ciabatta toast

! MainCourses !

Fresh Roast Turkey - Accompanied by bacon wrapped chipolatas, homemade festive stuffing, cranberry sauce and gravy Prime Sirloin Steak - 8oz of top quality steak chargrilled as you like it!

Served with either homemade peppercorn or roquefort sauce.

Mushroom Rockefeller - Giant field mushrooms filled with cream cheese, spinach, tarragon, onion, lemon juice and Worcestershire sauce, topped with parmesan and olive oil baked breadcrumbs Crab Cakes - Mild cajun spiced crab cakes with exotic fruit salsa All served with roast potatoes, honey roast parsnips, cauliflower cheese, carrots & brussels sprouts.

! Desserts !

Christmas Pudding - Served with homemade brandy sauce Hot Chocolate Fudge Cake - Served with vanilla ice cream Black Cherry Mess - Meringue combined with fresh cream and black cherries Mixed Ices - Fruit sorbet and vanilla ice cream Baileys Brûlée - Traditional crème brûlée flavoured with a heavy handed shot of Baileys!

FilterCoffeeandSweetTreats

Back-Inn Time Victoria Road, Chelmsford, Essex CM1 1NY. Tel: (01245) 269983 www.backinntime.co.uk

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David Sherman’s

BEVERAGE REPORT New Street, Chelmsford, CM1 1PP.

01245 283929

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the corner lounge exchange way, chelmsford.

Christmas Evening Buffet 1st - 24th December CHRISTMAS PARTY MENU perLUNCH person inc. crispy duck CHRISTMAS PARTY EVENING MENU

Book k yourr Christmass Party y NOW! 2-courses £16.50 inc. coffee

3-courses £19.50 inc. coffee

£24.50 inc. coffee & disco entertainment in Basement Club Bar

(licensed favourite ’til 3:00am) & many more dishes + ice-cream Our Christmas Party Lunch & Evening Menus are available from Monday 28th November - Friday 23rd December!

NEW YEAR’S EVE 70’s & 80’s DISCO FEVER PARTY

(children under 8 just £5.00)

9pm - 4am Strictly Over 25’s TICKET PRICE £10 - ON SALE NOW - NO REFUNDS

NEW EVE DINNER 1st Floor, 11YEARS - 15 Baddow Road, £55pp Chelmsford.

4-courses inc. glass of bubbly on arrival + diners have FREE ENTRY to 70’s & 80’s DISCO!

Tel: 01245 250759 / 600022

For all enquiries please telephone 01245 505880.

Only cash payments accepted. www.thecornerlounge.co.uk Page 10

Nanny State reaches new heights Australia has recently passed legislation banning branded packaging for tobacco products.

Under the new law, all such products will be sold in packets with a plain background bearing prominent images of (possibly) tobacco-related diseases, on which the name of the brand and the manufacturer will appear only in small type of a standard font.

The purpose of this new law is, obviously, to highlight the health risks associated with smoking. But just who is it aimed at?

How many Australians over the age of five have no idea that smoking isn’t actually too good for you? How many smokers only smoke because they don’t know about these diseases? How many will suddenly give up just because the brand has been replaced by an unpleasant photograph, particularly when they’ve carried on smoking through years of other health messages and tax increases? None?

The usual mantra trotted out by the anti-smoking lobby is that smoking is a manifestation of an addiction. It doesn’t, however, take a medical genius to work out that addiction cannot be treated simply by changing the packet from which the drug is taken.

There’s absolutely no evidence to suggest that this approach will be successful.

Another argument constantly trotted out is that smokers cost the health service (in any country) a huge amount of money.

True. They also pay a huge amount of tax towards the cost of their treatment, and generally die younger than average, which saves a huge amount of expenditure on pensions and long-term social care for the elderly. If the government actually believed the arguments pertaining to cost to the public purse, they would make smoking illegal. But then, of course, they’d lose too much money.

We already have gruesome pictures and large health warnings on tobacco packaging in this

country, although the branding remains in place. I was wondering, however, if we might like to try applying the Australian approach to some other products Pop music fans have, of course, already been exposed to this, for they are repeatedly bombarded with images of the repulsive ‘Lady’ (sic) Gaga, as a demonstration of what they will become if they have a complete lack of taste and decency.

So how about adopting the same approach with alcohol packaging? Away with pictures of lush French countryside or Californian vineyards on wine bottles. Let’s show a close-up of the carmine cracquelure on the face of a seasoned drinker. Bottle of whisky, sir? Just look at that carefully crafted label, with its depiction of a drunkard collapsed in a Glaswegian gutter. Brandy?

A nicely hobnailed liver will get them queuing out the door for sure.

Other products would also be included. The backs of cars (and indeed any other places about them on which logos are displayed) will instead be festooned with images of motorway pile-ups, road-crash victims and the like.

McDonald’s golden arches will be consigned to the dustbin of history, the fronts of their shops instead being decorated with images of slaughterhouses, obesity and clogged arteries. Their packaging, obviously, will be of the scratch-and-sniff variety, the aroma being the ‘dead rat up a chimney’ stench that their outlets deposit on every town centre in the western world.

But Austarlia can still trump us all, of course. There’s talk, particularly amongst the republican element, of them needing a new flag. As European settlement in the Antipodes has led to a huge incidence of skin cancer, perhaps they can take a leap into the future with the world first photographic flag to demonstrate this. Any camera loving oncologists should contact the Australian embassy...

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BEVERAGE REPORT

The White Hart Inn Tean : John Eary, Jenni Morrell, Arthur Gilchrist, Ting Sayer, Liz Haines and Lucy Sullivan (Janet Simpson & Jean Ballard were at the bar!)

Richly deserved gong for White Hart at Margaretting Tye

Essex Life Magazine Fine Food & Drink Awards 2011/12. This is what Essex Life had to say…

“It was a hard task for our judges to select the finalists from the hundreds of nominations received, but after many hours of deliberation, the shortlist is...

There were 12 categories in all.

The White Hart Inn was nominated for ‘Essex Real Ale Pub of the Year’ along with two other nominees: The Hoop at Stock and The Thatchers Arms at Hatfield Heath.

Eventual gong winner Liz Haines said, “I am so pleased for all my staff. They love The White Hart almost as much as I do and their

support and loyalty continues to absolutely astound me. The fact that this has now been recognised is a tribute to them all. It’s lovely to feel that our customers think so very highly of us and, more importantly, that they actually took the trouble to vote. That really is a special feeling.”

The Finals Evening was a black tie affair at Downe Hall, Hatfield Heath, with a champagne reception, three course meal and an Oscar style awards ceremony.

And DON’T FORGET, readers, The White Hart Inn WON their category! After which they danced the night away....even Arthur!

Hold H old ol ld yyour ou urr Christmas Ch C hrriissstttm maass parties ma paarrt pa rtiees at at L Loch och ch Fy FFyne yyn ne in ne in C Chelmsford hel he elm lm mssfo for orrd d FFabulous aabbuullloous three-course thrreee-courrsse menu men nuu with wiittth h coffeecofffeee- £22.95 £222..95

Bookings B ookings n now ow bbeing ein ing taken. taken. View View the the menu menu on-line on-line at at www.lochfyne-restaurants.com www. w.lochfyne-re restau aurants.ccom om or or pick pick oone ne u up p ffrom rroom tthe he rrestauarant. estau auarant.

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Christmas C hrist stmaas Day Day ay 4-course 4-cou our urrsse m me menu een n nu u-£ £54.95 54.95 JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ JJJJ J JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ JJJJJJ JJJJJJ JJJJJ

New N eew w Ye Y Years ears Eve Eve Ev ve menu meen n nu u £54.95 £54.95 wi w iitth live live entertainment en nttertai ainment with

Bespoke B esp poke Loch Loch Fyne Fy yne Christmas Hampers Chrristm i as H amperrs available avail a lable from frrom our our in-house in-h in house fishmongers fishmongerrs

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Party P arty nights nights ts - December Decemb mber 7t 7 7th tth h aand nd 1 14 14th 4th 4t th w wi ith live it live entertainment ent ntertai ainment with LLoch och Fyne Fyne Restaurant Restaurant - 1 109-111 09-111 B Bond ond SStreet, treet, C Chelmsford. helmsford. T Tel: el: 01245 01245 293620.

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www.theedgemag.co.uk

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How To Sing The Blues 1. Most blues songs begin with: "Woke up this mornin’..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, such as: "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.

Then find something that rhymes, sort of: "Got a good woman, with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like yellow tombstones and she weighs 500 pounds."

4. The blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch.

Ain't no way out. That’s just the way it is.

Trees Trees

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.

Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.

Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.

Travelling on a Northbound train is definitely NOT the blues Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.

Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

All types of trees lopped, topped, shaped or cut back (i.e. from overhead cables), hedge trimming etc.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues cos they ain’t fixin’ to die adults yet.

In the blues, adulthood means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis

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7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens and definitely not in Hawaii or Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. But you cannot have the blues in no place that don't get no rain.

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9. A man with male pattern baldness simply ain't the blues.

But a woman with male pattern baldness is most definitely the blues.

Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing ain’t the blues.

Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on it is.

10. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall because the lighting’s all wrong. Try the underground parking lot.

11. Good places for the blues: (a) highway (b) jailhouse (c) empty bed (d) bottom of a whiskey glass.

12. Bad places for the blues: (a) Nordstrom (b) gallery openings (c) golf courses (d) 5-star hotels 13. No-one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit; unless you happen to be an old black man and you’ve slept in it.

14. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if: (a) you're older than dirt (b) your first name is a southern state, such as Georgia (c) you are blind (d) you once shot a man in Memphis (e) you ain’t never satisfied; No, if: (a) you have all your teeth (b) you were once blind, but now you can see again (c) you're deaf (d) the man in Memphis lived (e) you have faith.

15. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Celine Dion can ever sing the blues.

16. Blues is not a matter of colour. It's a matter of bad luck. So ugly white people are definitely in with a chance.

17. If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.

Other acceptable blues beverages are: (a) cheap wine (b) whiskey or bourbon (c) muddy water (d) black coffee The following are NOT blues beverages: (a) Latte (b) Shiraz (c) Red Bull (d) Perrier.

18. If death occurs in a cheap motel or in a shotgun shack, it's a proper bona fide blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely of a broken heart. But you can't suffer a blues death if you have a heart attack when you’re hang gliding, or whilst gettin’ liposuction.

19. Some blues names for women: (a) Sadie (b) Big Mama (c) Bessie (d) Fat River Dumpling.

20. Some blues names for men: (a) Joe (b) Willie (c) Little Willie (d) Big Willie (e) Lightnin’.

21. Ladies with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie and Heather cannot sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

The Edge 077 646 797 44

More-in-one.

The new Loewe SoundBox system: Available now from Rayleigh Hi-Fi. The new SoundBox from premium German brand Loewe, unites meaningful innovation and individual design – the most compact way to enjoy premium sound. It comes with two full-range speakers, iPhone dock, a CD slot, radio tuner, USB port and much more.

You can even opt for bespoke insets including real wood, metallics and a colour chart of over 200 options for the ultimate degree of choice and customisation.

Bring this advert with you to take advantage of our special £30 iTunes voucher introductory offer for purchases of the new Loewe SoundBox. Instore now at Rayleigh Hi-Fi.

216 Moulsham St, Chelmsford, Tel 01245 265 254 132 – 134 London Rd, Southend, Tel 01702 435 255 33 Sir Isaac‘s Walk, Colchester, Tel 01206 577 682 www.loewe-uk.com www.rayleighhifi.com

LOE_AZ_MZ_MA2_SoundBox_210x297_Rayleigh_uk_v2.indd 1

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I

ntense Records, under the railway arches in Chelmsford, has now been running for over 12 years and, as a result, is today a truly established underground music specialist supplying all the latest vinyl, CDs, urban fashion, headphones, speakers and DJ equipment for vinyl, CD or MP3 DJs. Situated in Viaduct Road, right by Chelmsford bus station, Intense is both a walk-in shop and an online record store and features all the latest new releases and promos covering all styles of music, but specialising in Dubstep and Drum & Bass.

Intense also have a huge selection of second-hand records from the 60s to the present day, so if you’re looking for a far more individual Christmas present this year, you know where to go to find that extra special gift. Simply check out their website to listen and buy from their entire catalogue at a touch of a button. And to receive 10% OFF, simply show this advert in store, or enter the following code: ‘THEEDGE’ into the promo code box online when checking out.

Having a Christmas Party this year? Intense Sound & Light, their sister company, supply all the latest DJ equipment, PA Systems and lighting for sale or hire. They also provide a mobile DJ service for all your party needs, from kids parties

V

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and weddings to your annual staff Xmas doo! Why not check models and prices in their shop or online at www.intensesoundandlight.co.uk The Intense DJs are also now providing DJ lessons to all up and coming DJs, from beginners to advanced. Intense can give you the skills you need to take you to the next level. If you can already DJ, or MC, you can also use their studio to record demos and produce professional flyers and CDs to hand out to help promote yourself.

Contact the shop for more info.

2011 has also seen the beginning of Intense Recordings, a new record label signing Drum & Bass and Dubstep artists from all over the world. Their first release came out in July featuring Dub Zero Selecta / Ego Trippin - Cold Blue Steel. Their biggest claim to fame was being featured in Track It Down’s recommended tunes and reaching no.2 in their chart. You can purchase this on vinyl and MP3 from Intense and all good record and MP3 stores now. And look out for the new website coming soon... www.intenserecordings.co.uk Keep it Intense!

Intense Records 33/34 Viaduct Road Chelmsford Tel: 01245 347372 www.intenserecords.co.uk

All You Can Eat! DECEMBER ONLY served personally to your table!

SPECIAL PRICE Sunday - Thursday:

Adult £13.90 Child £6.90* Friday - Saturday:

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With a choice of 25 starters including soup, crispy duck and spare ribs, plus a selection of 75 main dishes including prawn, beef, chicken and much, much more!

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The Edge 077 646 797 44

Avoid the queues this Christmas with

as worn by “Jessie J” and the cast of “TOWIE”

Avoid the hassle of Christmas queues - purchase over the phone and then pick up at our Chelmsford store

Perfect for pain-free Christmas shopping!

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Shop Assistant replies to The Edge!

Last month, The Edge posed the question why it needed to take a B.P.N. (big plastic number) into clothing shop changing-rooms, sometimes clamped between its teeth, that apparently denotes the number of items it is taking in there, when clearly it already has enough on its plate trying to cart all of the garments into such a small cubbyhole in the first place.

This is what one young Chelmsford lad has to say about the matter:Hi, I have just been reading your latest (November) issue and come across your article entitled ‘How many items...’ so I thought I would shed some light onto the reasoning behind giving customers numbers, as I have previously held a position in retail loss prevention.

One of the most common ways of committing theft in fashion stores is to conceal items in a fitting room, as there are no cameras in that area.

The idea is, by issuing a number and counting both in and out how many items a customer has, together with the presence of that particular member of staff, it all acts as a deterrent for theft (i.e. if the number of items a customer comes out of a changing room with is less than the number they have been given, then items are clearly being concealed).

For the retailer, this also follows good customer service practice.

On your second point, concerning a member of staff asking you if everything is OK when you leave the changing zone, this is simply basic customer service and manners.

As written in your magazine, you are clearly unhappy at being issued with a number. So I won-

der if, now that you are aware of the reasoning behind such a practice, you will understand that retailers simply have your best interests at heart and you will now think differently?

“I’d like to try this whole rail on, please?”

I’m sure if stores were able to trust every member of the public and didn't incur losses then there would be no need for the procedure of giving out and checking numbers of items at all.

I also think you would be equally unhappy if there wasn't a member of staff to assist you in the fitting rooms!

Regards, Adam English.

Many thanks for the explanation, young sir, but you were clearly not understanding the facetious nature of The Edge’s questioning in the first place.

The Edge very much doubts retailers have their customers best interests at heart either rather they have their own interests at heart, because that’s just the way it is.

And B.P.N.’s will not deter real, bona fide shoplifters, which was The Edge’s point. E.E.

PRICE CONSTRUCTION Unit 13, Chamberlains Farm, Spore Sporeham eham Lane, Sandon, Chelmsford, Essex. CM3 4AJ T 01245 478 326 M 07818 422 756 E info@priceconstruction.co.uk www w.priceconstruction.co.uk . www.priceconstruction.co.uk

Pub Refurbishment The White Horse pub, situated behind Chelmsford railway station, is now under new ownership with two local businessmen, Dave Smith and Phil Cunningham, having stepped up to the plate.

The pub will be run by Stuart Gilespie, who has over 25 years experience in the trade.

The concept is to retain the wonderful traditional bar, offering draught real ales, and provide a relaxing lounge area with comfy sofas where those who frequent can sit and enjoy a bottle of wine or champagne.

Due to its location, The White Horse has always been a great place to meet up both ‘pre’ and ‘post’ theatre or restaurant bookings and will now be very much both a safe and comfortable environment for girls to enjoy a night out.

Phil comments, “We are going to have a bit of fun with the place and will have a DJ in every Friday night in the run up to Christmas where we hope groups of friends and work colleagues will come and celebrate together.

“Dave and I both used to drink in the pub many moons ago and when the opportunity to acquire the freehold arose to restore the pub back to it’s former glory, we simply couldn’t resist.

“We love its close proximity to the town centre and have always loved standing having a pint at what has got to be one of the best bars ever. To me, the bar itself is the pubs greatest selling point.”

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The Greatest Song Ever Written Bridge Over Troubled Water has surely got to be the greatest song ever written, hasn’t it?

Yet (a) the writer is short, and (b) just look at his bad taste in polo-necks?

The Edge isn’t necessarily on about the words to B.O.T.W. - it’s on about the total package and punch the song delivers.

Come on, so far as songs go, this song delivers, right? It affects your mood, it hits you right between the eyes and also makes you thankful your ears still work.

The Edge can genuinely not think of another song that tops it.

Can you?

If so, log onto the appropriate place on the all new Edge website and let’s be hearing your views, or simply email: bestsongever@theedgemag.co.uk The diminutive Paul Simon even said about it, “I don’t know where it came from, but I knew it was really something special.”

Jesus H. Christ strumming his banjo, I wish something would ‘just come’ to this mag as fantastic as that.

To go down as the bloke who wrote....no, it’s not the words of the song, cos they’re really only so-so, nothing special. It’s that symphony of it, isn’t it?

Music that would make dear old Pete (Postlethwaite) tap his baton for attention, up on his podium, and say, “I thought music mattered.” Only instead of following it with “but does it bollocks,” he says, “...and it does!”

GALLERY

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Telephone: 01245 699024 info@griffindanbury.co.uk www.griffindanbury.co.uk

STILL TAKING BOOKINGS FOR CHRISTMAS, SO HURRY,

BOOK NOW!

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The Trumpton Park & Ride

Sorry, readers....make that the Trumpington Park & Ride, just south of Cambridge.

The reason The Edge is bringing this to your attention is because the very day after its Freeport visit (see elsewhere in this mag) we that being The Fuckwitt’s, Mrs Edge and I decided to haul our bikes up the M11 to Cambridge for the day, as weatherman ‘Bernard Bernington-Fuckwitt’ said, “It’s supposed to be right nice up there tomorrow”....(it being a Saturday when he said it, like).

So at 8:45am sharp on Sunday 13th November, we strapped two mountain bikes and The Fuckwitt’s tandem to the back of The Fuckwitt’s 1.6 Ford Focus and off we jolly well trotted (with yours truly driving, of course, because yours truly always gets lumbered with the driving).

Hey, but just look at that sky, readers? How blue is that for mid-November? Say what you like about him, he’s rarely wrong, is Bernard, when it comes to stuff like the weather.

Only if you’ll take The Edge’s advice: don’t bother taking your bikes.

Y’see, the centre of Cambridge is no distance from the Trumpington Park & Ride depot (where there’s also a lovely John Lewis, ladies), so in all honesty, you might as well just dump your car there and hop on one of the buses instead, as we were literally in the very heart of Cambridge in minutes via pedal-power and immediately set about looking for a spare bit of railing to chain our steeds to, for there are cycles literally everywhere.

Page 18

The long and short of it (no, not you, Bernard) is the fact that Cambridge is ideally suited to strolling, and oh don’t the folks do it ever so well up there. That’s why I was gutted to find myself dressed for cycling, but then actually, erm, strolling.

The Anchor and watched a whole load of Chinese tourists having punt rides before wan-

Well, I’d have been dressed ‘smart-casual’ if we’d been going up there for a bit of a promenade, easy on a Sunday morning style, if you know what I mean.

But I had a bloody fleece on with an old nylon squash shirt underneath, only it was so hot outside the pub that I was forced to, you know, reveal my white nylon The Anchor pub sits nicely by the river in the heart of Cambridge, squash top to the world (well, the shire of Camb) right by one of the punting docks. and how very embarrassing was that? dering into the centre, where the outdoor market is, and mooched around the stalls and what have ’Course, Bernard Fuckwitt was dressed even you, had a coffee every now and then etc. worse - like a vagabond, if truth be known - but for some strange reason, he doesn’t ever appear All very pleasant, it was, which is why I thought to take any pride whatsoever in his appearance, I’d tell all you good readers about it as it’s only the scuzzer, which is all the more alarming when an hours drive up the road and makes for a right his wife - the big breasted Amazonian left-winger refreshing change to wandering about in who these days is also a little hard of hearing Chelmsford. always seems to make an effort.

Just remember to leave your bikes at home as So really, we pretty much just ‘chilled out’ outside you honestly don’t need ’em!

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GRAB SOME POWDER NOW, READERS! A company manager who found love in the Alps is still living the dream 6 years after he saved the woman who he is now married to from death on a ski lift in the French Alps.

Mike Kew (51), formerly of Halyard Reach, South Woodham Ferrers, was working

as a ski guide when his now wife, Laura Clarke (38), came within a fraction of plunging hundreds of feet to her death.

Six years later, Mike and Laura now run a very successful luxury ski chalet business called

The Edge 077 646 797 44

Snow Crazy and are soon to welcome their first guests to their newest venture, Snow Nation and the Snow Nation Ski Express, a new arm to their continually growing business that offers group ski trips from the South East of England for schools, universities and groups.

Mike comments: “I can’t believe it’s six years since that day!

Luckily for me, this has turned out to be a dream come true, but it could so easily have been a tragic tale. Laura fainted and slipped through the gap under the safety bar. I just managed to grab her by the scruff of her jacket. If she had fallen through, she would have dropped into oblivion.”

Since then, Mike and Laura haven’t been able to stand still, growing their chalet business from 1 to 11 chalets in less than 5 years and now, with the launch of their group ski holiday venture, there really is no stopping them.

Mike comments: “After the success of our chalet business, we saw a gap in the market for high quality, value-for-money, group ski holidays. So when we were offered a small 52 bedroom hotel in La Rosière, we simply couldn’t refuse.”

Whilst Snow Nation offers fully catered ski holidays for schools, universities and groups, with the launch of Ski Express - a luxury coach aimed at smaller groups in the Essex and Kent area - the happy couple really are living the mountain dream!

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Photo by Matt Sadler

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Essex Street Diversions 2011 The Edge hasn’t the foggiest what went on here as it unfortunately couldn’t be present on the day. However, whatever it is that’s occurring, surely more people should kit themselves out like this in our town centre on a Saturday afternoon?

ALL THOSE IN FAVOUR, SAY ‘AYE’?!

food & drink AWARDS 2011 ESSEX

Winner in association with

The Wibble Factor

Wibblers Brewery, based in Mayland and one of the county’s fastest growing micro breweries, has had its success and popularity confirmed in recent weeks by winning two prestigious awards for its beers.

First off, the team, led by Head Brewer and Director, Phil Wilcox, won a Gold Award in the SIBA (Society of Independent Brewers) East Region Competition. This was for their ever popular flagship ale ‘Apprentice’ in the Standard Bitter class. The region covers Bedfordshire to Lincolnshire and surrounding counties. Phil comments, “I am delighted to win this prestigious award and I hope it will be the first of many more to come!”

Nigel Sadler, Brewery Operations & Commercial Manager, was delighted with the gong, and said, “Essex is very fortunate in having many micro breweries producing quality ale, but also a number of vineyards and cider makers too.

There are also numerous nonalcoholic beverage producers, so to win this particular award category is very pleasing indeed.”

So do look out for Wibblers ‘Santa’s Night Off’ this winter, a traditional 4.2% mid-brown ale featuring plenty of hops and offering a smooth, rounded finish.

And remember: Even Santa needs a night off sometime, folks!

This victory means that Wibblers will now go through to the SIBA National Final in March 2012.

Not only that, but Wibblers also took ‘Best Drink Product’ Award at the recent Essex Food & Drink Awards, which clearly shows Wibblers appeal across a broad client base.

Merry Wibble &

A Happy New Year from Wibblers Brewery

Enjoy the fes!vi!es but please drink responsibly!

Joyces Farm, Southminster Road, Mayland, Essex CM3 6EB Tel: 01621 772044 Email: info@wibblers.com Website: www.wibblers.com Page 20

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Erotic Fantasy LICENSED SEX SHOP

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REAL POLITICAL ‘SPIN’

It all depends on how you look at things...

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in Southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree when she discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory.

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is the inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives. Convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research: "Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.

In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Now that's how it's done, folks.

That's real POLITICAL SPIN for you!

Christmas Special Offer £75 9RMUYI ERH 'SRXIQTSVEV] 4SVXVEMX 4LSXSKVETL] 7LSSX ERH % 'ERZEW 4VMRX 4PYW FREE A5 Print for theEDGE readers ERH [MXL ER] EHHMXMSREP TLSXSKVETLW TYVGLEWIH VIGIMZI E FREE CD with all your photographs MR E JSVQEX WYMXEFPI JSV HMWTPE] SR *EGIFSSO

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To make a booking, call 07972 086701, or email info@miawhitmorephotography.co.uk Gift Vouchers also available which make ideal Christmas gifts One hour photo shoot at any location within 20 miles of Chelmsford Offer available on all bookings made before 31.12.11 www.miawhitmorephotography.co.uk www.Facebook.com/MiaWhitmorePhotography Page 22

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The Wonder of FREEPORT! What? As in, you ‘wonder’ why you bothered going there in the first place?

Steady on, for Freeport (at Braintree) surely has it’s place, as does Braintree itself - probably although it’ll take The Edge a little while longer to come up with an in-depth answer to that particular conundrum. So, instead, let’s just concentrate on Freeport for now, shall we.

Mrs. Edge and I decided to go to Freeport for the first time in about - ooooh - 12 months, simply because I fancied buying a couple of cut-glass whisky tumblers. You know, the ones with the right chunky glass bottoms, even though I rarely drink the stuff, unless I’m feeling stinkingly ill.

Now, you might think that’s kind of strange, but I assure you, it isn’t. Least not in our house.

The ‘magic’ of Freeport at Christmas. It really is a ‘winter wonderland’, isn’t it?

The Edge 01245 348256

The fact is, past experience has taught us that Freeport can be pretty darn good for glassware and kitchen stuff in particular. Suitcases too. Plus I once bought a pair of Caterpillar boots up there that still have some tread on them to this day.

Mind you, it was ever so quiet when we arrived, on a Saturday lunchtime, in mid-November.

I knew it had to be Freeport immediately because everyone was branded up to the hilt, whilst Bonnie Tyler and Elton John were fairly belting it out of the crumby sound system that you hear whilst you’re ‘out in the lanes’.

Claustrophobic as it can sometimes get, I still managed to get separated from ’er indoors a time or two.

Freeport reminds me of Chelmer Village Square (that bit just outside Asda) or ‘the shopping centre’ of South Woodham Ferrers (ha!), only on a slightly larger scale, whilst still retaining a fervent naffness, if you know where The Edge is coming from?

What I mean is, you don’t brag (or even tell anyone) that you’re going, or have been, to Freeport, do you? Least not if you’ve any sense, you don’t.

But we did actually buy those whisky tumblers, so it wasn’t a wasted trip by any stretch of the imagination. And - get this, readers - I also purchased a lovely, soft leather passport holder for twenty five quid, down to just £12, less an further 10% ‘on the day’ - so you can’t say fairer than that, can you? A genuine hyde passport holder (who doesn’t need one of those?) for but £10.80.

That’s got to be the bargain of the century, has that! Oh yeah, and the wife got some P.H.D. (proper heavy discount) in the Karen Millen shop too, which saved us enough to blow at Pizza Express on the way out!

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BOOK NOW FOR

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EDGE

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8-10 Broomfield Road, Chelmsford, CM1 1SN. (Near The Ship) TEL: 01245 493929 MOBILE: 0791 4811 756 www.everestgurkharestaurantchelmsford.co.uk

Right, readers. Well, we’ve now done ‘Edge Podcast version II’ and as we chickened out of releasing ‘version I’, I guess we’d better just bite the bullet and see what you think of our second attempt. So if you log onto www.theedgemag.co.uk - which is the all new Edge website - you can download it and have a listen to us babbling on about not very much in particular down the pub of a Thursday evening.

I can’t say we really know what we’re about yet, or what we’re really doing, but when these things are suggested to you, it’d be rude to at least not have a crack at it, wouldn’t it?

Those present were Lengthy Boy, Kingpin, The Goose (who was completely overbearing throughout) and our ‘Token Female’ for the evening, Hanna, who didn’t really say much on the grounds that she probably ‘knows her place’, which was a plus.

Fact is, we honestly thought we could do better than ‘Podcast I’, which is why we’ve had a stab at ‘Podcast II’. But now that we’ve done ‘Podcast II’, we’re fairly confident ‘Podcast III’ will be better still, on the grounds that ‘Podcast I’ and ‘Podcast II’ are both reasonably shite.

Let us know your views, please, either via the all new singing and dancing Edge website, or direct to: podcast@theedgemag.co.uk.

Probably the best unsigned band in the world...

The Edge has never really tackled much on the local music scene, but then it heard about a band called Dead Dux and was immediately smitten.

Bowled over.

Hook, line and sinker.

and musicians who's work all too frequently goes unappreciated or even unheard of.

Let me tell you, readers, I would never normally drive even to Asda car park to listen to a live band - and it wouldn’t matter who they were because it’s just something that’s never really floated my boat. So to take a train to The Colchester Arts Centre (and what a cracking pub The Hospital Arms is in that neck of the woods) to see Dead Dux perform 4 sets (Your Eyes, Forever Watching, Suzanne and Rain) in the final of Undiscovered is an endorsement i itself.

www.facebook.com/deaddux

So remember the name - Dead Dux - who are going places.

Photo’s by Paul Mcclean Photography

Undiscovered is an event which is hosted annually by Essex Venue Network across Southend, Chelmsford, Colchester and Harlow as an attempt to raise the profile of unsigned bands throughout Essex.

Dead Dux’s competition came in the form of Kickstart, Blisted Pearl and eventual winners Do They Collide, but the verdict was simply a bloody nonsense because none of them could hold a candle to The Edge’s favourite local band of all time, and that’s not favouritism, that’s a fact.

Dead Dux comprise Matt Jackson on guitar, backing vocal and bass guitar, Matt Lecount on drums and keyboards, Tom Joyce on keyboards, Tricky on main vocals and Richard Hindle on bass, guitar and backing vocals. Each member brings a strong musical influence with tastes varying over an eclectic range of styles and time periods. The band aim to provide an alternative to the great number of bands struggling hard to fit within commercial constraints and follow the great music and artists that have inspired their lives, from Sibelius to Nero.

Their aim is to provide something evolving and unique, and that’s why, in this publications eyes at least, they weren’t just victorious on the evening of Unsigned....they stole the bloody show.

With ever decreasing amounts of interest in the local music scene, EVN is hugely important in trying to raise the profile of all different sorts of bands Page 24

The Edge 077 646 797 44

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Cleanest TOILETS in TOWN?

People who keep toilets clean don’t often get the recognition they deserve. However, this publication would like to sing the praises of whoever keeps the bogs on Market Road in tip-top condition after the wife and I got ‘caught short’ the other Saturday whilst we were shopping in town. As they were the nearest loos, there’s where we jolly well headed.

When I eventually reappeared, beaming from ear to ear, Mrs Edge said, “I can tell you made full use of the facilities” as compared to her dainty tinkle. Only then we both immediately remarked upon just how spotlessly clean those particular loos actually were.

And spacious too. Enough room to check out your surroundings before taking your coat off and hanging it on a decent sized hook on the back of the door (important that) so that you don’t inadvertently end up wiping your arse with it etc.

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‘Herbie’ style sledge available from Inchcape VW A Chelmsford business is preparing for the impending winter snow by offering thrill seekers an alternative to traditional sledges.

As the cold weather starts to grip the country, Inchcape Volkswagen has fifty sledges in the shape of the iconic Beetle car.

Each sledge comes decorated with livery from the famous Volkswagen Beetle called ‘Herbie’.

Darren Thompson, Inchcape Volkswagen’s brand manager, said: “In recent years the amount of snow has increased and people are quick to take advantage of the white stuff.

“But many people miss out on all the fun as demand for sledges often outstrips availability.

“So we’re hoping to provide yet another outlet for people who want to have fun on the snow by using a completely unique sledge.”

The sledges are now available from Inchcape Volkswagen on Westway and come with a free t-shirt for every sledge sold!

Volkswagen Herbie Sledge only £24.99 with free retro t-shirt.

Suddenly, you can’t wait for winter.

Here’s something to bring you and your family a little shiver of excitement. A disc-shaped sledge with sidebrake and Herbie logo. So when the snow comes, the fun begins. What’s more, for every sledge you purchase, we’ll give you a free retro t-shirt worth £9.95.

Roll on winter.

Inchcape Chelmsford Westway, Chelmsford, CM1 3BH. Telephone: 01245 268826. www.inchcapechelmsford.volkswagen.co.uk

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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YOUR letters

&

emails

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undoubted quality.

Situated in the Stour Valley, we feel that John Constable himself would have truly admired the lovely woods and gardens and particularly the gnome with the 10ft pole stuck up it’s arse in the car-park.

One day, perhaps even you yourself could visit our site and partake in afternoon tea after working your way around Essex’s latest sensational attraction.

Yes, it’s ‘Gnome Magic’ and we have absolutely nothing to do with that cowboy outfit what got done

but if you’ve passed Jewels Garden Centre, just down the road from Sainsbury’s, you surely will have.

What am I talking about? The proprietor specialises in moulded garden statuary (life-size cows, horses, sharks, some 50’s blonde bird or other (Marilyn Monroe), sharks, fierce looking dogs and Betty Boo, to mention but a few).

And if you cast your eyes upwards, you will notice an Indian Chief who appears to be pointing towards a lifesize gorilla and a sheep in very

THIS MONTH’S STAR EMAIL Dear Editor, It’s Steve Crisp here. You'll undoubtedly remember me from our numerous trips to Essex Boot Camp. I'm the one who points at your red Ferrari trainers and laughs on account of how slowly you run.

However, I do not write to ridicule your physical shortcomings, but rather to advise that I have been a faithful disciple of your publication for years and have been spreading the good word of 'The Edge' not only throughout the UK, but all over the world.

On a recent trip to China, I thought: ‘What better reading material to take with me than a copy of Chelmsford's favourite fanzine’.

to theedge!

CHELMSFORD, CM2 6XD. shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Chelmsford Fire Fighters

Dear Chelmsford Fire Brigade, Just to say a big thank you on behalf of the Rosebery Road residents. We had a fantastic Street Party on 14th August, made all the better for having a visit from you local fire fighters.

We also held a charity raffle on the day which raised £246, all of which we chose to donate to the Fire Fighters Charity.

Keep up the great work!

Kind regards, Mark Jones Rosebery Road Street Party Committee

Gnome Magic: Dedham

Dear Edge, I hope you will take just a few moments to read and wonder at our new two-wrist attraction in Dedham (yes, your organ does reach these parts).

My plan, of course, was to read The Edge where I always do; on the lav. Unfortunately, the Chinese do not have time for such luxuries and prefer squat based toilets which spoils the serenity of the moment for me, and I am sorry to say that trying to concentrate on your written ramblings whist holding a crouch-position as well as giving fair consideration to aim (which I can tell you really is a key element to a successful ‘experience’) is clearly a step too far.

So instead, I chose to digest the content of September’s Edge whilst wandering along The Great Wall.

With China being a communist state and freedom of speech somewhat repressed, I thought it prudent to leave my copy of The Edge behind for others to enjoy. It’s a long shot, of course, but much as missionaries bought the Bible to Africa, I personally took The Edge to Beijing.

And who knows, in 20 years time, we may well end up with a new world superpower with new ideals, all speaking with a Yorkshire twang and frequently walking the tightrope of political correctness.

We can but hope.

Steve Crisp Such eloquence, Quentin. I am touched, truly. To think that my organ as ‘been there’, and I haven’t. Amazing.

E.E. last Christmas in the New Forest, so PLEASE DO MAKE THAT CRYSTAL CLEAR TO YOUR READERS! Yours Gnomagically, J. Arthur Rank & Wayne Kerr Directors The thing is, you’re deadly serious, aren’t you? You really want The Edge to cast its eye over your bloody gnomes?!

E.E.

I would like to think that you will appreciate both its finesse and Page 26

Lifesize Gorilla

Dear Edge, I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed,

close proximity. Personally, I reckon they’ve been ‘at it’ for years.

Regards, Derek James. ’Certainly hasn’t escaped The Edge’s notice, Delbert, and my oh my, aren’t they hideous?

Surely there must be a law against buying that sort of thing and plonking, say, a lifesize statue of Elvis slap bang in the middle of your front garden?

Otherwise, how the hell are your neighbours ever supposed to sell their houses, eh?

E.E.

Smiles & Scowls

Dear Shaun, I am writing to defend the shop assistants of Chelmsford. You often mention the ‘lack of service’ in your mag these days. Until recently, every single person coming into our store was smiled at and personally welcomed. With regret, we have had to give up this practice since it provoked such hostility that I often ended my days on the verge of tears. These days, a cheery ‘Hello’ is no longer returned. More often than not, the immediate response is, “I’m just looking!” said in a tone that really suggests: ‘How many more times do I have to tell you?’ Most times, customers do not even bother to even mutter a reply and 90% of our smiles are met with scowls.

Since shopping is primarily a national pastime, people continue to shuffle mindlessly around shops and it isn’t our fault that our customers can no longer afford anything (so why bother to come in?).

Reluctantly, and for the first time, I’ve even taken to ignoring our customers. Yes, that’s right, I completely blank them. If they require my help or services, they’ve got to damn well ask for them, I’m afraid.

But, strangely enough, this seems to be exactly what the vast majority of shoppers actually prefer, yet I’d still like to apologise to all those who think it’s a bad thing. It is, and I for one am sorry about it.

If I may, I would like to point out that if you browse in our store, only then go home to order the goods on-line, shops will die out altogether. So if the goods you require are the same price in a store (ours always are), then please support your local retailers, otherwise they might well not be around when you need them next.

For our part, yes, we are continually under pressure to make sales, so lying to us really doesn’t help anyone! Honestly, we’ve heard it all before. “We have to come back this way later so we’ll buy it then.”

“What time do you close?”

“I’m just going to get my credit card - I must have left it in the car.”

On a small side issue, in response to The Edge’s comments about greasy pavements outside local chip shops, I heartily agree with you. In fact, I’d even go further and suggest that if the outlets concerned would provide some form of outdoor seating, this problem might be alleviated. On Saturday and Sunday mornings, as well as some of the more unsavoury offerings that I will refrain from mentioning, we regularly have to contend with vomit, bits of kebab, cold chips and mayonnaise smeared all over our windows before we can even open for business. Charmed, I’m sure.

I hope you can print some, if not all, of this letter, because I am a local person, just like everyone else in Chelmsford, and I care.

Anonymous And The Edge applauds you for that, my dear.

E.E. The Edge 077 646 797 44

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theEDGE

DVD review

THIS MAG’S FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS MOVIE!

It is, readers....it absolutely is!

The greatest story ever told, eh? Chas Dickens back in 1843 (can you imagine that? This story is 168 years old).

The Edge thinks it even remembers watching an old black and white version of A Christmas Carol, starring Alistair Sim (1951).

So far as musical versions are concerned, I am particularly partial to Scrooge (1970) starring Albert Finney and Sir Alec Guinness.

And I absolutely love Scrooged (1988), with Bill Murray playing the lead role, because he’s such a miserable bastard (just like me).

Can’t be doing with that slaphead Patrick Stewart (1999) though, period.

But The Muppet Christmas Carol is my all time favourite, which is kind of weird as I was never even a Muppets fan.

Michael Caine’s brilliant in it too (“His best role since Zulu!� someone in the cheap seats has just shouted!). He’s played in a movie or two, has Michael, and sometimes for well dodgy reasons (for instance, he’s often accepted a shit script in a beautiful location, but then who can blame him for that?). However, The Edge likes to think he took his role with The Muppets 100% seriously because it’s a story that....well....it’s simply lovely.

One thing you’ve got to get right in A Christmas Carol is you’ve got to look like you’re well and truly angry when you beat on Bob Cratchit’s door on Christmas morning, and in the Muppet version, it’s a really poignant moment. “Ahhh, Edge bloke, I never knew you had it in you?�

Sniff. Yeah, well, it’s a story that’s always got to me and makes me want to believe in ‘The Magic of Christmas’.....only then I walk out of me own front door and go, “Bah. Humbug.�

Maybe this movie is available from Blockbuster on Springfield Road ....and maybe it isn’t?!?!

)XOO\ ÀWWHG EDWKURRPV VXSSOLHG DQG ÀWWHG IURP £3495.00 Bathrooms, Ensuites, Cloakrooms, Wetrooms, Shower rooms Building work, Heating, Plumbing, Electrics, Tiles, Flooring, Carpentry, Ideal Standard, NoCode, Aqualisa Hi-Qu, Bette, Kaldewei, 6KRZHUOX[ 0+6 UDGLDWRUV 0RQWURVH ÀWWHG IXUQLWXUH )XOO\ ÀWWHG NLWFKHQV VXSSOLHG DQG ÀWWHG IURP £3495.00 Building work, Granite, Lighting, Tiles, Flooring Appliances, Sinks and taps, Electrics, Wood worktops K Kitchens, Made to measure kitchens, Granite, Solid wood worktops, Franke sink and taps, Abode, Appliances

)XOO\ ÀWWHG DGDSWHG VKRZHU URRP IURP £3995.00 )XOO\ ÀWWHG ZDON LQ EDWKURRP IURP £5995.00 3OHDVH SKRQH IRU \RXU IUHH QR REOLJDWLRQ VXUYH\ DQG TXRWDWLRQ )ULHQGO\ SURIHVVLRQDO VHUYLFH /DUJH HQRXJK WR FRSH VPDOO HQRXJK WR FDUH Family run business

&KHOPVIRUG 6KRZURRP 122 Byron road &KHOPVIRUG Essex CM2 6HJ Tel : 01245 269778

Bathtub

0DOGRQ 6KRZURRP 1A Edward Bright Close Maldon Bathrooms and Kitchens Essex CM9 5RU Tel : 01621 859966 ZZZ EDWKWXERQOLQH FR XN

Party in ‘The Street’

The Edge 01245 348256

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ONLY JOKING! Stalker

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Instant Spark

I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.

As we lay there, making love, I thought : ‘These Tasers are well worth their money.’

Cow

I was explaining to the wife the other night that when you die you get reincarnated, only you must come back as a different creature.

She said she’d definitely like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're not listening to me, love."

Missing Wife

The wife’s been missing a week now. The police said to prepare myself for the worst, so I shot back down to the thrift shop to buy all of her clothes back.

Twins

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said, "But how can you tell them apart?"

He said, "Easy. Marcus has got a moustache."

Getting Married

Jack, aged 92, and Jill, aged 89, are all excited about their decision to get married, so they go for a stroll to discuss their impending wedding.

After a while they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they pop in.

He addresses the man behind the counter.

"Are you the owner?" Jack asks.

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“That I am,” the pharmacist answers.

"We're about to be married,” says Jack. “Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All different kinds."

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Most definitely."

Jack: "What about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You betcha!"

Jack: "Stuff for memory loss, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "We’ve got the works, sir."

Jack: "Vitamins pills, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?"

Pharmacist: "Sure thing."

Jack: "Heartburn? Indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "No problem."

Jack: "Incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "All different sizes."

"Excellent!” says Jack. “Then we'd like to use you as our sole wedding present list supplier."

Sunday Morning Drive

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandpa’s and Grandma’s is?

Well here it is: A Grandfather, who worked away from home all week, always kept his Sunday mornings available to take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality bonding time - just him and her.

However, one particular Sunday, he woke up with a really bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed. So his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out for a drive in their car instead.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandpa was feeling.

“Did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?” he asked her.

“It was great, thank you, Grandpa,” she replied.

“Only we didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dickhead or wanker anywhere.”

The Telephone Conversation

“Mick. Whatcha, mate. I’m just ringing you to let you know that you won’t be hearing from me for a while.”

“Oh. Why’s that then, mate?”

“I’m being investigated for theft.”

“Wow. Whatcha pinch?”

“A load of swimming pool inflatables.”

“That’s a bit odd.”

“Yeah. But they were there, so I just helped myself. I couldn’t resist it.”

“Oh well. Catch you later then, I suppose.”

“Yeah, mate. For sure. It’s just I’ve definitely gotta lilo for a while.”

Q&A

Q. How do we know for sure Jesus wasn’t born in Liverpool?

A. Try finding three wise men and a virgin up there.

Fat Lass

Went up to a fat lass in the pub the other night and said, “’Ere, you’re a bit on the plump side, aren’t you?”

She said, “Thanks! Make my day, why don’t you. Hey, and while you’re at it, why don’t you tell me something I don’t already know.”

So I said to her, “Salad tastes groovy.”

Little Old Lady

A little old lady goes to see her doctor and says, "Doctor, doctor (they always say it twice), I have this problem with gas but it really doesn't bother me too much. In fact, it never smells and it’s

always silent. As a matter of fact, I've already farted at least 10 times since I've been in your office, only you didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and it’s silent."

The doctor says, "I see. OK, take these pills and come back and see me in a week’s time."

Well, when the little old lady returns the following week, she storms into her doctor’s office and says, "Doctor, doctor (they do though, don’t they?), I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although remaining silent, smell absolutely disgusting."

"Good!" says the doctor. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses up, let's get to work on your hearing."

Poignant Moment

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse, and behind that walked a solitary man with a dog on a leash. Following him but a short distance behind were about 200 men, all walking in single file with their heads solemnly bowed.

The guy with the coffee could stand the curiosity no longer, so he respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I’m so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time, but I've never seen a funeral quite like this one. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's," replied the man. ''Oh. Sorry. What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked her and killed her."

“Wow!” said the man holding his brew. “So who is in the second hearse?"

The man replied, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her too."

There then followed an extremely poignant moment of both brotherhood and silence between the two men, before the man with the coffee could contain himself no longer and blurted out, "Can I borrow your dog?"

The bereaved man replied, "Get in line."

Mailbox

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox informing me that I can have sex at 73.

I'm just sooo happy, because I live at number 51 and it's not too far to walk home afterwards.

Full Swing

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just make several stops along the way and stay on a soft, level surface, preferably grass."

Then she addressed the men in the room: "Gentlemen, remember, you're in this together. It really wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly went very quiet as the men absorbed the information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes," said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carried a golf bag while we walked?"

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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INDUSTRIAL SIZED BAG OF SELF RAISING FLOUR

PODCAST LOUDEST ‘BOOM’ EVER!

The Edge attended the Chelmer Valley High School Firework Extravaganza on Friday 4th November, most notable for a smashing double cheeseburger with onions that I had, plus the loudest ‘BOOM’ I have ever heard at a fireworks display....ever!

Yes, readers, even young children were seen to mouth the word ‘F !” when it happened.

So The Edge got in touch with one of its organisers to see what the full S.P. was, and this is what they had to say:“Glad you enjoyed the display, Edgeman. The explosion is what happens if you let a film special effects pro loose on your firework display! Basically, it’s a number of gunpowder charges mixed with

***

petrol pots and flour. The flour is blown into the air and ignited by the petrol to create a fireball. In the attached pic (above) you will see a bag of flour and a petrol pot. There were actually TEN of these used on the night.

To be honest, the actual cost of the whole event wasn’t that bad, but knowing someone who could pull it all off safely was.

We had an overall firework budget of four and a half grand and were fortunate to make around £6,000 on top of that for the school, which was handy.

I have already started to plan next year’s extravaganza!”

Self raising flour, eh?

The Edge cannot even bake a cake, let alone make a BOMB!

AMAZING RESPONSE to Back Inn Time’s 1986 prices throughout November!

To celebrate their 25th anniversary, local restaurant Back Inn Time decided to offer their menu from 25 years ago throughout the month of November....as well as their 1986 prices. Hey, so no wonder they were banged out!

“It was manic!” confessed owner Joe Bhangal. “We thought it would be busy, but not as crazily busy as it was. We were doing around 1,300 covers a week throughout November, and now we’re straight into the Christmas Party season.”

In these so called troubled times, isn’t it good to see both an owner and his customers happy?

Joe Bhangal, owner of Chelmsford’s Back Inn Time

How To Sing The Blues cont.

22. No way can Kevin, Archibald or Trevor can ever sing the Blues, any more than Eufracio, Sven, Heinrich or Guglielmo can.

23. Blues Name Starter Kit: (a) name of physical infirmity i.e. Blind, Mute, Lame etc. (b) first name + name of a fruit i.e. Lemon, Lime, Watermelon etc. (c) last name of a US President i.e. Jefferson, Johnson, Clinton etc. So you got : Blind Watermelon Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Lame Lime Clinton etc. You dig?

24. Ain't no mind how tragic your life is, if you own a computer, you cannot sing The Blues. Period. Sorry.

The Edge absolutely loved these. Not very Christmassy, but hell, so what!

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10 Things we can do without in 2012

The Grumpy Goose!

Christmas Lights

Some councils are not paying for town centre Christmas lights this year; they say it's inappropriate for them to spend money on them when they are having to cut jobs and reduce the power we use.

However, Chelmsford Borough Council are paying for Christmas lights, despite cut-backs.

May I suggest that, next year, they use some of this ‘Pensioner Power’ we've all been hearing about of late.

We should get pensioners to pedal bicycle-style generators to power the Christmas lights; we get the lights for free and the pensioners keep warm. It's a win-win situation.

We could also try Girl Power.

A New Year's resolution for the Dale Farm Travellers:

Try travelling for a change.

• Those tan coloured trousers with a baggy crotch and elasticated bottoms. • The girls with the waxy orange faces on the Debenhams beauty counters (except Natasha) • Other people's cats in our garden. • Dead British soldiers • The Olympics • Drunken down-and-outs in Duke Street (living/drinking on benefits) • Those Go Compare TV ads • Reginald D. Hunter • Rupert & James Murdoch • Richard Hammond and his contrived ‘jeopardy’ in Top Gear.

Oh no. Arrgghh. How could I.

On a serious note:

The recent terrible crash on the M5 was probably caused by smoke from a nearby firework display. It was, like most accidents, the fault of poor weather/smoke/ rain/fog/snow etc.

Except it wasn't. There are no ‘accidents’, only crashes caused by poor driving. We all do it.

We don't concentrate when we ought to. We do it, or see it, every single day of our lives.

Just today, I saw a middle aged woman (with a loose dog running around in her car) texting whilst driving. When she causes an ‘accident’ - and she will - she will make all the usual excuses: it was the

other person’s fault, it was poor weather, the brakes failed etc.

Everything but the truth.

The truth is, she's a poor driver.

We've all seen it. Some of us even do it. You see a car up ahead in a queue of traffic, weaving and driving erratically. You pull alongside to see the driver texting. Do as I do and carry a brick in your car. When you see one of these ‘accidents waiting to happen’. lob the brick in the direction of their head to, hopefully, knock some sense into them if they’re driving a convertible.

There are no ‘accidents’, only crashes caused by poor drivers, i.e. us. You and me. We are the cause of death and destruction on our roads, not the weather.

Admit it.

Music?

I was walking into town last Sunday and as I passed HSBC, I wondered when the scaffolding would be removed from this fine building.

Suddenly, I heard a terrible noise; the scaffolding was collapsing.

There was no mistaking the sound of steel poles tumbling to the ground. I leapt for my life; the dreadful metallic cacophony filling my ears. I fell to my knees and covered my head in a vain attempt to protect myself. The terrible clanking and clattering continued, on and on it went. I waited for death, or injury at the very least.

But no, I was still alive. The racket

continued; how could that be?

I tentatively stood up and opened my eyes. The scaffolding was still in place and I was unscathed.

God be praised; it was only the bell ringers at the Cathedral.

Christmas Competition

We've all seen the signs at petrol stations telling us not to use mobile 'phones on the forecourt as they can cause a fire; they can, apparently, ignite the petrol fumes.

So there's a year's free subscription to The Edge plus a romantic dinner date with the editor (male or female, he's not fussy) if you can achieve the following: ! Attempt to set fire to a petrol soaked rag using a mobile 'phone. ! Photographic evidence to the editor, please.

If you fail to achieve this task, please write to: ‘It’s just not possible to ignite petrol with a mobile 'phone, you twat’ and send it to your local petrol station.

Christmas Pictures

If you make a complete arse of yourself during your family Christmas festivities i.e. you come home drunk, mistake the turkey for the wife and give it a damn good seeing to etc., then please let us know here at the mag. N.B. Only photographic evidence will do.

Happy ‘pagan festival hijacked by the church’ to you all.

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The Edge 182:The Edge 172.qxd

21/11/2011

15:12

Page 32

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in CHELMSFORD

Chelmsford Taxi Association Limited say they are “stunned and dismayed” by the lack of thought and consideration shown by Essex County Council (Highways) in implementing their ridiculous road alterations on the Odeon/Baddow Road roundabout just before Christmas. These ‘experimental’ changes feature road restrictive posts and changes to lane usage.

Additionally, the C.T.A.L. are extremely annoyed and disappointed that the Council have failed to consult the trade, or the public, about these ill thought through alterations. They say, “These changes make providing a taxi service almost impossible at times, and members of our trade have already witnessed the Emergency Services having difficulty accessing Baddow Road to assist members of the general public.”

The taxi trade is currently in financial meltdown, with clear evidence of the over-supply of taxis within Chelmsford being ignored by the authorities rime and time again.

Meanwhile, taxi drivers have now got the added burden of increased costs and the wasted time of having to unnecessarily drive up and down Parkway just to join the taxi rank queue in Baddow Road.

It has been reported by numerous taxi drivers that, even after driving from the Odeon roundabout to the Central Park roundabout and looping back, they found they were still unable to enter Baddow Road to join the official taxi rank because there was no space to join the queues due to the bollard restrictions.

www.blissfulsoul.co.uk info@blissfulsoul.co.uk

After an initial weekend’s nightmare of trying to provide an adequate service to its customers, trade spokesman Ian Vernon, Chairman of Chelmsford Taxi Association, said, “On Saturday, one of our drivers had

to drive up and down Parkway five times in an attempt to reach the Baddow Road rank, only to fail every single time. He eventually abandoned his quest and drove home fuming.”

Mr Vernon went on to further criticise the authorities by saying, “Yet again the authorities, be it Essex County Council or the Borough Council of Chelmsford, refuse to consult and listen to the needs of the trade, or the general public.”

He went on to say, “There are many issues that are dangerous and unworkable with this new road layout. We would welcome the council talking to us, to discuss this as a matter of urgency, so that the paying public receive a decent transport service whilst ensuring their safety remains a priority.”

So far as Baddow Road retailers are concerned, Chris Geer, owner of Zagger’s six outlets says, “If you’re going to experiment, why not experiment in the spring or the summer, instead of risking people’s livleihoods at such an important time of year? I just don’t understand the reasoning behind it. So far as I’m aware, not one retail outlet received any warning from the council about this matter when, in my opinion, we definitely should have been consulted. It’s just not democratic.”

Meanwhile, The Meadows Shopping Centre say, “These works give the impression that both our car park and Baddow Road are closed and have a detrimental effect on the traffic flow into our car park. It is alarming to see the number of vehicles that have tried to access our car park via the car park exit lane, due to a severe lack of clear signage, misleading lane configuration and position of the temporary bollards.”

The Edge 01245 348256

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16:41

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New Ways with Old Food

W

eekly food waste collections are to begin in less than two weeks across the whole of the Borough to allow improved treatment of the 12,500 tonnes of food waste created in Chelmsford every year.

A grey kitchen caddy and a small green food waste bin are currently being delivered to each and every household ready for when collections begin on 1st December 2011.

The Council are also providing free cornstarch liners every six months - enough for two per week to help make collections clean and easy. Please do not use plastic carrier bags as these will not be able to be processed and, therefore, will not be collected. Additional cornstarch liners can be purchased from supermarkets - or, alternatively, newspaper can be used to wrap your food.

All out-of-date and leftover food can be recycled - raw or cooked - including small bones.

The new food waste service was launched in South Woodham Ferrers in June of this year and is proving popular with residents as they are now able to recycle even more and throw away less.

By recycling more and wasting less, the Council will be able to improve it’s services to residents.

This leads to a greener environment and saves money for everybody in Chelmsford.

The landfill tax that has to be paid when food waste from Chelmsford is disposed into landfill sites amounts to almost £700,000 per year, the majority of which could be avoided. Diverting food waste from landfill would also greatly reduce the harmful gases which are created from burying waste, such as methane, which contributes towards global warming.

Your food waste will eventually be taken to a special treatment facility and converted to biogas, which can be used as a vehicle fuel or used to generate electricity. Additionally, fertiliser is made which can be used as a soil conditioner in farming.

A new food waste recycling film introducing the Council’s new food waste collections is now available on our website. To view this film, or for further information on the new service, please visit www.chelmsford.gov.uk/foodwaste

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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Body Talk

For the last few months I’ve been studying a fascinating book on body language written by a world renowned FBI interrogator called Joe Navarro. I’ve always been fascinated by this field, mainly to see if it actually works, or if the only part of the body that should be associated with it are the bollocks.

16:42

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ME & MY adamantium skeleton

One particular physics teacher sticks in my memory after insisting I’d be “wasting my life” and that he “couldn’t say he was surprised that I was gravitating towards menial tasks”.

Now I look back on it, I can see that he was probably stuck in a job he hated, teaching children he despised and that he was a bitter, hateful old man who should probably be pitied.

As part of the ‘training’ within the book, it teaches you how to consciously observe your surroundings, which is a lot more difficult than it sounds at first, but slowly becomes a habit. To quote Sherlock Holmes: “You see, but you do not observe”.

The difference is actually a lot bigger than you’d think and actually keeping a conscious tally of who is sitting where and wearing what and saying whatever is pretty mentally taxing at first.

I’ve been practising a lot on busy Saturday afternoons in town, sitting outside Costa Coffee or Starbucks and simply people-watching for an hour or so, which has actually been a lot of fun. After a while, I found I could pick up on some of the visual clues and get a general idea of how some people might be feeling at that given moment, particularly when it’s two people in conversation and you can see that what is being said by one, or both, doesn’t quite match up to what their bodies seem to be saying.

No, not t that sort of ‘people watching’. Well, not all the time.

Any expert in this field worth their salt will tell you that body language is never an exact science, but it can provide useful clues as to someone’s mood and it’s quite amazing the first time you pick up on one of these ‘tells’ and find out that you are actually right.

As a result of all this, I’ve been looking into a number of other fascinating things you can tell about someone just by looking at them, starting with the female orgasm (yes, apparently the female orgasm is real). As I’m sure most of you know, women can have two types of orgasm; the internal and external. The internal is from the G-spot while the external comes from clitoral stimulation (which is also apparently a real thing as well.)

A sexologist on his daily commute

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my mind is how every teacher or adult I spoke to couldn’t stop trying to talk me out of it, sometimes shooting down any comments I made about how I wanted to live my life with sneering disdain.

That being said, he died a while ago and an old schoolmate and I went out for a few beers to toast the fact that the old bastard had croaked.

The Kingmeister reports

Some women can only experience external orgasms, while the luckier ones can enjoy both types, the mucky bints. Sexologists (now there’s a job and a half) have proven that you can tell women who can enjoy both internal and external orgasms purely by the way they walk, with over 80% accuracy.

Apparently, women who enjoyed vaginal orgasms had a longer, more confident stride, a larger pelvic rotation and showed ‘no evidence of either locked or flaccid muscles’, which in layman’s terms I think means they shook their arse a little more when they walked.

We’ll move away from the pelvic region now though and focus on the eyes. The eyes have always been a much touted area in the field of body language and indeed, going back to old wives tales and folklore, stating that you can tell if someone is untrustworthy, a liar or that they’ve possibly sold their immortal soul to Satan with but a quick look into the eyes.

scoffing at this (at least those of you with dark eyes anyway) but this also holds true in trials for medicines as well, with the light eyed groups being consistently able to handle higher doses of medication. They’re still not entirely sure exactly why this is, but test after test has come back with the same results, so don’t blame me when you’re throwing up trying to keep up with me drinking and my light-eyed drinking pals. Blame science.

Flipping Burgers I was talking to an American friend of mine the other week about the rather deplorable economic state of our two countries and, naturally, the subject of unemployment and the welfare state came up. I’ll hold my hands up and say that I sadly fell into the ‘Daily Mail mindset’ for a few seconds and had a little rant about how feckless and lazy a lot of the ‘youth of today’ are, and talked out of my arse about how there were plenty of jobs out there, if only they wanted to do them.

Halley’s Comet will be passing by the next time I admit to being wrong, so make the most of it!

Sometimes, it’s all of the above You’ll probably be surprised to learn that you can also tell how much booze a person can handle by looking into their eyes. More specifically, their alcohol tolerance can be judged by their eye colour. The biggest drinkers are actually those of us with baby-blue eyes, closely followed by other lighter colours.

All of you people with dark eyes have now been scientifically proven to be lightweights, so you can expect me and my blue-eyed brethren to steal your wallet when you’re passed out drunk. I’m sure some of you are

Whilst there is an element of truth in that, the hard facts are that there are more applicants than jobs out there right now, but my friend had a really interesting take on the theme when he said: “Of course they don’t want to do them, and that’s pretty much our fault.” It took me a few seconds to digest this, until I realised that he was actually right.

When I look back on my old school days, there are a few things I can clearly remember. One of them was that I was adamant about wanting to go into a manual job as the thought of office work was, even at 14, a horrifying prospect. What also sticks in

And a good night out we had too “You need to do you’re A-Levels, then you need to go to university and then you need to get a professional job,” was his (endless) mantra and, unfortunately, it stuck with me enough to ensure that I did end up in a (relatively) professional capacity in my career. Now, without false modesty, I’m good at my job, but I can’t put my hand on heart and say that I particularly love it.

Luckily, my particular profession entails much more manual labour than most other office bound careers, and so I do get a fix of manly mantype work every now and again, and that’s when I’m at my happiest, which really ought to tell me something.

The point is that over the past few decades, we’ve done nothing but teach kids that manual labour is demeaning, and that if you’re cleaning toilets or flipping burgers for a living, then you’re a dismal failure of a human being. Yet now we’ve got the temerity to call them lazy for not wanting to do the jobs we specifically told them were for ‘losers’.

I’m not saying there aren’t some truly lazy, worskhy buggers out there, because Christ knows, there are. But maybe we should look at what we’re filling their heads with and take just a little bit of responsibility for the ‘youth of today’ after all?

Many thanks for yet another rootin’ tootin’ colon from the one & only ‘Kingmeister’.

If you want to read more of his stuff, then check out his BLOGS on the all NEW Edge website, which now really does exist, readers. Honest!

www.theedgemag.co.uk www.theedgemag.co.uk

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TV GOLD - TOP BOY ‘GOLD! Always believe in your soul, you’ve got the power to know, you’re indestructible....

The Edge was struggling to think of any TV Gold from its past this month. Only then it thought, ‘Hang on a minute, why does it always have to be a TV programme from the past that’s featured?’

Top Boy, shown recently over 4 consecutive nights (early November) on C4, was a crackingly raw drama about young lives in an East London tower block, ironically named Summerhouse, depicting the inner-city drug and gang culture that is seemingly prevalent today.

To be honest, The Edge hasn’t got a clue how accurate it was, or how close to reality. It’s just rare for it ever to look forward to watching anything as much as it did Top Boy. Ashley Walters was superb as Dushane, although this publication would honestly question whether someone such as his character would be as eloquent, caring and, erm, nicely turned out (probably not). Sully (Kane Robinson) looked far more the ‘real deal’, but it was designed for the viewer to ‘fall for’ Dushane, so we did.

One thing The Edge did wonder, however, was, “Where’s the police?”

Top Boy was written by Ronan Bennet after exclusive research into Hackney’s underclasses. The maze of concrete walkways all seemed chilling enough, but many young residents of Hackney reason that “drugs ain’t actually the cause of gang violence, innit” where 38% of the population are on benefits.

A cannabis farm inside a tatty flat got giggles of recognition when Top Boy was screened to a young East London audience before it was broadcast on TV, although they seemed less convinced about the harder drugs.

“They done away wiff stop’n’ search or sumfink?” queried one.

Likewise, Ra’Nell’s mother suffered from mental health issues, which struck a familiar chord, although most in the audience questioned whether she’d receive such help in real life, and presumed not.

Who’s the ‘Top Boy’ then?

“You do see a lot of young boys who look really tired around here though,” said one, “and that’s from running around selling food (drugs) for the older boys. If they lose the drugs, they have to work it off, so you see them working all hours.

Yeah, they definitely got that bit right.”

But hell, you can’t get everything spot-on, can you?

If you missed it, Top Boy is well worth you seeking it out readers. And if you’ve got a R.P.T. (right post telly) from Bang * Olufsen, well then, maybe it’s got some buttons you can press that go back in time a bit?

Failing that, it’s available on DVD soon.

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bang-olufsen.com The Edge 01245 348256

Page 35

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19:04

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FIFTY...NOT OUT

by Steve Ward OLD PEOPLE

Those of a sharper intellect will have noticed that this column is titled ‘Fifty Not Out’. From that realisation it’s but a small leap of logic to surmise that the author is, shall we say, not in the first flush of youth. In fact, it’s fair to say that it’s been FNO for so many years that it’s not long before it becomes ‘Where’s me bus pass’? So, when one of our glorious leaders uttered something directly aimed at us old gits a little while ago, it’s no surprise that it rankled a bit. At least, it did until some more rational thought was applied to the matter in hand.

What Cleggie was reported to have said was that it must be made much easier for companies to get rid of old slackers. Of course, when you dig a little deeper, he didn’t put it quite like that, but the newspapers have to sell themselves and ‘Sack all old people’ is a pretty decent headline that is bound to shift a few more copies.

In fact, when you look at the actual proposals, it’s hard to argue against them. Employment law has shifted so far in the favour of the employee that he or she has a whole armoury of weapons with which to fight in a tribunal, should it come to that, with ageism being just one of them.

What the proposals are really saying is that just because you are old doesn’t mean you should be exempt from the basic tenet of an employment contract, in that you are required to do a fair day’s work for a fair day’s pay.

If you are having to slip off for a doze in the afternoon, you have clearly broken your side of that agreement, and it’s just not right that you should be treated differently to younger people simply because you’ve reached that time at which beige clothing seem attractive. The employer, in such a situation, is perfectly within his or her rights to ask questions about your ability to do the job without fear of being dragged through a court and all the stress and cost that will involve.

In truth, the bit about being able to have a full and frank discussion with older workers about their performance is but a very small (albeit

Page 36

attention grabbing) part of more wide ranging proposals to remove some of the red tape that soaks up so much time for anyone running a business.

All those elf and safety officials will have their powers curtailed, along with thousands of other public servants doing non-jobs that add not one jot to human happiness, but do create a lot of trouble for ordinary people. It was all part of Gordon Brown’s vote buying scheme, funded, as we now know, with money your grandchildren will be paying back. Under the new proposals, all those Equality Officers, Parking Czars and others of that ilk, will have to find something useful to do with their lives.

Let’s get back to the main theme us oldies and our prospects of holding down a job past, oh, about 85.

What about the wisdom and commitment that comes with age, we ask? Well, the enlightened and intelligent employer will know for sure whether someone, anyone, is worth the money they are being paid. He will weigh up the positives and negatives and if your contribution to his bottom line is more than your salary, then he will not sack you, despite a little post lunch doze at the desk every now and then.

So we can take heart from that thought, can’t we. Er… Anyway, there are a number of jobs that are actually better suited to the more mature person, such as an undertaker for example. Or a B&Q Orange Apron Wearer. On the other hand, if the job entails a reasonable amount of physical work, it’s a fair bet your contribution will have steadily declined over the years so steadily, in fact, that you won’t have even noticed it yourself.

Unfortunately, now that hardly anyone in the private sector has a pension worth the pot it sits in (the temptation was to write something else there), many of us will actually need to work longer and longer, simply for financial reasons. After all, who could survive, let alone live, on the £100 a week state pension?

And with youth unemployment at such a high level, it does lead to the conclusion that for every job that an employer advertises, he might have to chose between a bunch of young, eager and energetic 20 year olds, and a gaggle of Steady Eddies of 70. Some choice useless but enthusiastic or knowledgeable but slow.

Knowing that you’ll have to work until 70 or more does have an impact on your self image. When you are 20, you think old age starts at 40. Once you reach 40, you are convinced it’s not until 60. And at 60? Presumably it’s 80. Or, to put it another way, these days, you can’t afford to be old until you’re 81.

Lordy Lordy, what a horrible thought.

To comment on this article email: steveward2000@hotmail.com

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B45 TAD

SELFISH BASKET!

SIMPLY STUNNING!

Dear Edge, Please include this photograph on your next I.S.B. (inconsiderate selfish bastard) page.

It was absolutely hissing it down and the car-park was full when I took this photograph, so you can guess what sort of a mood I was in.

Thanks!

Alan @ Gamma Property Tut. Typical BMW driver, The Edge can almost hear many of you sigh, although it really isn’t fair to generalise.

You know, The Edge absolutely detests this sort of behaviour with a passion. White Van Men (sod it, let’s generalise) are particularly prone to such ignorance, as are pikeys (some say).

In short, people who do this sort of thing get what they deserve, and in the case above, The Edge would honestly ban the bastard and impound his vehicle for three months just to teach him a lesson.

‘Whoa! Bit harsh that, isn’t it, Edge bloke?’

Who said that???

No, it flaming well isn’t. You know when you’re doing this sort of thing that you’re doing wrong, but you do it nonetheless. Therefore, it’s pure laziness and no way should anyone be warned about it.... although if you’re actually caught in the process of irresponsibly parking, The Edge believes you ought to be Tasered too.

‘Whoa! That is definitely...’

You still here? BUTTON IT! You have got to give these people one of those ‘short, sharp shock’ thingies, aka ‘a Willie Whitelaw’.

Mrs Edge drives a Mini Cooper ‘S’ (although she doesn’t really put the ‘S’ part to much use, but someone’s definitely due a bargain if ever she sells it....it’s currently eight-and-a-half years old with genuinely less than 30,000 on the clock from new). So anyway, my point being that Mrs Edge is definitely a Mini fan, but she doesn’t like the all new coupe at all, at all, at all.

I do though, I do, I do.

In fact, I think it’s positively stunning and even better when you’re stood right up close to it, in the metal, like, as opposed to merely looking at a picture on a page like this (out of date already) one.

It was way back in 1959 that the first ever Minis rolled off the production line, whereas somewhat amazingly, the Mini’s of today (the reinvented versions, the likes of which it was most definitely ‘love at first sight’ so far as Mrs Edge was concerned - towards her car and not yours truly, you understand) have already been in production for the past 10 years.

The Edge reckons the all new coupe is most certainly a welcome addition to the range, although it must confess to even liking the ‘pumped up’ version (the Countryman, is it called? The one that looks like it’s been ‘working out’ every day down the gym for the past year?).

You see, the Countryman actually makes it acceptable for a bloke to be seen driving a Mini, whereas the all new ultra-pretty coupe, despite having no bad angle to look at it from, still looks a bit of a, well.....girl’s car?

Mind you, what’s girlie about a 141bhp, 2.0-litre turbodiesel engine?

And the boot’s a really decent size too - you could (somewhat surprisingly) fit a fair few boxes of Edge magazines in the rear end for sure.

Holy Moley.....then there’s the John Cooper Works special edition!!!

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Jam & Jerusalem

TOTALLY TRACIE Nobody does it better ...than a woman!

A recent study by the Scientific Research Centre has revealed that women are getting not only better looking, but cleverer through evolution, whilst men are staying the same. Which got me to thinking about other things we women have not only evolved in, but excelled at:-

1. Faking it: Just visualise the famous scene from When Harry Met Sally. Nuff said!

2. Asking for directions: We have absolutely no problem pulling over and asking a total stranger for help.

3. Looking sexy whilst sipping cocktails: What man do you know who can look ‘hot’ with a pink drink in his hand?

4. Multitasking: We can talk to friends on the ’phone whilst watching EastEnders and baking cupcakes all at the same time. No sweat!

5. Getting out of a speeding ticket: A little smile, a little bit of leg and a most believable “sorry” whilst fluttering the eyelashes to the nice officer is all it takes to get off scott-free.

6. Become a cougar, rather than a dirty old man: Yeah, the idea of an older man can sometimes sound good, but the reality often conjours up more Benny Hill than Mr Big. Cougars, however, are fierce and sexy. Like Demi Moore, for instance.

7. Wearing high-heels: Men just look totally sad with Shoe-Lifts.

8. Excuses: Just say the words ‘Time of the Month’ and men go red instantly and let you have your way. We women can get away with literally murder with that little (regular) gem.

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God does love a trier, and boy, does Kirstie Allsop try. Her recent TV show on thrift - and jam making - dragged in 10 million women every single week.

You cannot help but applaud her efforts, even when she showed us how to ‘blow’ homemade glass to decorate our homes with a withered, pained expression on her face when it refused to inflate. We women sympathised because we’ve all been there at some point in our lives!

Oh, her heart and homemade scones are in the right place even when she rambles on and makes excuses about her longing to get married to her boyfriend of 7 years, who has repeatedly told her he simply “hasn’t got the time”.

But as much as I love Kirstie, I have to disagree with her advice about ‘how to keep a man happy by never discussing any serious issues with him until you’ve fed & watered him’ as total twaddle.

Because, “It’s just not working, is it, love?” Seven years, two kids and still no ring on your pinkie.

Me thinks it’s time for a bit of tough love in your household, Kirstie. Time to show him who’s really the boss! A week of bread and dripping, plus a healthy bit of sulking and throwing of ornaments around usually does the trick for the rest of us. And, done right and with the maximum amount of effort, you ought to even expect a nice, sparkly ring on your finger by Christmas morning, I’d have thought!

The Last Laugh...

It’s that time of year again when we women remember why a man in our lives is so important; to carry the Christmas shopping, of course! Despite us dragging them around the shops, kicking and screaming, as we’re busy pointing out what we do and don‘t like, what are we likely to get on the big day itself? That’s right, ladies, yet another batch of ill-fitting underwear in the most ridiculous colours you’ve ever seen that we then have to return.

Still, could be worse. My friend’s ex-husband (note: I said ‘ex’) used to give her a set of tea towels every year (I honestly kid you not). To pay him back, she always used to let the cat lick his bit of the turkey before she put it on his plate and would laugh inwardly to herself whilst he ate it. One year, he even said to her, “I bet you’re smiling because you can’t wait to do the washing up with those lovely new tea towels I bought you?“ See, she who laughs last laughs longest!

Happy Christmas, everyone.

And I’ll see all you girls in Ann Summers on 27th December to return all that underwear!

Tracie123@aol.com

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