The Edge Magazine June 2019

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EDGE

the ISSUE NO: 272

www.theedgemag.co.uk

‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

Telephone 01245 348256

Mobile: 077 646 797 44

JUNE 2019

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Summer Specials

Le Bouchon Afternoon Tea

We are open for Afternoon Tea, Lunch and Dinner at both Le Bouchon and Le Benaix.

Why not Dine Alfresco at Le Benaix or add a Boat Trip at Le Bouchon.

Afternoon Tea with Bottomless Prosecco Tuesday to Sunday from £24.95 pp

Le Bouchon River Boat Trips

Also Available: Classic Afternoon Tea £17.95 Afternoon tea includes a fine selection of Teas and Coffees, accompanied by a selection of Finger Sandwiches, Chef’s homemade cakes, pastries and freshly baked scones with Jam, plus 50% off Cocktails. Must be booked at least 24 hours in advance.

Please ask for further details or visit our website.

Served Midday to 4pm Tuesday to Sunday

Boat Trip

Le Bouchon Restaurant

Why not add a 1 hour River trip to your Afternoon Tea, Lunch or Early Dining at Le Bouchon.

Leaves hourly from the ‘Hotel’s private moorings’.

Boat Trip details available online from £6 pp.

Dine FREE when you stay!

Sunday Night Specials from only £95 per room Stay in one of our Fine Boutique Roomes and Dine for Free from our Sunday Lunch Menu, price includes a 2 course Meal and Breakfast. Offer ends 30th September 2019.

Le Benaix Gardens

Gift Voucher Why not treat a Friend or Loved one to a special occasion with one of our Gift Vouchers available all year long enquiries@lebouchon.co.uk enquiries@brasseriebenaix.com

LE BOUCHON

@ THE HEYBRIDGE HOTEL • BRASSERIE & HOTEL

The Square, Holloway Road, Heybridge, Maldon CM9 4LT Tel: 01621 856 511 • enquiries@lebouchon.co.uk • www.lebouchon.co.uk

Le Benaix Orangery entrance

LE BENAIX BRASSERIE & BAR

ALL MENUS ARE AVAILABLE ONLINE

CM

Main Road, Rettendon, Chelmsford, Essex CM3 8DY Tel: 01245 987888 • enquiries@brasseriebenaix.com • www.brasseriebenaix.com

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The Edge Editor’s Column SOAKED On the one day my car was in at the garage, having a new hose of some description fitted, I had to cycle into Chelmsford in order to ‘see a man about a dog’ at 1.25pm sharp in the afternoon and do you know what, readers?

I got absolutely soaked.

Sure, the clouds in the sky had looked a bit threatening when I left ‘Edge Towers’ and by the time I was ‘taking off’ over the stone bridge by the Marina One development I could hear the very first rumblings of thunder.

And then it came.

Only to immediately stop the moment I returned to HQ about half-an-hour later, as though it had been waiting just for me.

Literally soaked through to the skin, I was.

Everything had to come off, including my undercrackers and pop-socks.

And I thought to myself, ‘Surely this shouldn’t be happening to a man who’s almost 58?’

I could have caught pneumonia.

SPRAY TAN

FOGEY’S CORNER

After the winter, it’s always good to get the garden looking in tip-top condition just as soon as possible, I always think, so that you can sit back and enjoy it. Which means jet washing your patio/s (a proper messy job) to get rid of all the green algae, give the garden shed a lick of paint, plus one other job that I absolutely hate: retreating the fence panels.

Or at least I did.

Because now that I’ve bought myself one of those spray guns (Ronseal or Cuprinol do them for £25 at B&Q), honestly, it’s a breeze.

(Well, it’s a breeze if you’re spraying on the clear wood treatment, like I’ve done, as it doesn’t stain the concrete posts at all, whereas I’m assuming that if you’re spraying on Autumn Gold, you might still have a problem.)

Honestly, I was doing it with a smile on my face - and that doesn’t happen very often when I’m undertaking ‘jobs around the house’ - because it’s like....well, it’s like cheating, really.

It used to take me bloody ages to do it by brush and the panels used to goad me as I was sitting their looking at them in my sunchair. ‘Treat us, Daddy. Treat us,’ they seemed to be whispering.

Yet all the time I was thinking right back at them, ‘Can I put you lot off for another year?’

These days, I honestly think the way forward is now probably those PVC fence panels (or whatever the correct terminology) that basically never wear out and never need treating.

Sure, real wood (f’narr) always looks nice, as does real grass, only don’t get me started on my lawn. I always want it to be as flat as the centrecourt and weed/clover free, but it’s neither. Only I’m sorry, but that fake lawn stuff is never going to top grass. What, going to a carpet shop and buying it ‘off the roll’? Do me a favour.

But it has to be said, ‘Edge Towers’ is looking pretty pristine at the moment.

Those Fogey’s Corner sections The Edge introduced last month were only half in jest, readers.

Absolutely no disrespect was intended. After all, I’ll be 65 in but seven years time (how the hell has that happened?).

Seriously though, I’d love the right retired person (or perhaps semi-retired) to get in touch to write a column each and every month, pretty much describing what you get up to in your life.

You must be of pensionable age (although 65 is fine, even though it’s officially 67 for us blokes these days) and...

Well, I’m just fascinated about what being an OAP holds in store for us. So if any of you mature peeps are interested, please email me at the address below, because that way I can see what you’re like at stringing sentences together.

PILCHARDS I’m a man of simple tastes.

For instance, for my breakfast this morning, I’ve just had a slice of granary toast with one of those dinky 155g cans of Glenryck Pilchards in tomato sauce plonked on top.

How decidedly decedent is that? After all, it cost but 50p for the tin. High in Omega 3 fatty acids they are too, and that’s got to be good for you, hasn’t it (I honestly haven’t a clue)?

Made me think of the seaside, it did, standing in me kitchen, looking out at me patchy lawn and the fence panels I’d just sprayed the day before.

Thing is, we’ve got to enjoy this time of year, haven’t we? If only for the reason that it’s not bloody winter.

Having said that, expats who live permanently in warmer climes do tend to say that they miss the seasons...apart from Edge columnist Wardo.

THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 0 77 646 797 44 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

L I G H T I N G

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One day, ONE DAY, The Edge is going to treat itself to a bottle of Verve Cliquot for £80 at the Halo Fizz Bar inside Stansted Airport afore take-off.

We got there bright and early at 05:30am one recent Saturday morning and that’s when I first heard the very distinctive sound of ‘CLB’ (cork leaving bottle) and you know, it sounded delicious.

Wonderful. So very decedent, particularly at that hour of the day.

A group of Yummy Mummy’s had congregated around the bar and seemed to be drinking champers by the glass. Only bugger that, it’s got to be a bottle, hasn’t it? To share between myself and Mrs Edge, because I’ve already explained to her that the Dom Perignon at £160 a pop is completely out of the question, particularly when one is flying Ryanair.

So there we sat, awaiting our £64pp return flights to Spain, sipping on a couple of Pret a Manger lattes, noshing on some homemade Coronation Chicken sandwiches that I had masterfully put together the night before, and I do have to say, they were really quite delicious.

Something else of thriftiness that may interest some of The Edge’s likewise thrifty readers next time you jet off for a mini-break is the Bubble and I Love Park & Ride car-park, ideally situated right beside the Holiday Inn (look out for the McDonalds sign) at Stansted Airport.

We got from 05:00am to midnight (4-and-a-half days later) for the princely sum of just £45.15 and they’re the closest non-official car-park at Stansted that we’ve ever come across. What’s more, their mini-buses are clean, swift and drop you off (and pick you up) right outside the main doors.

The Line Up

SATURDAY 22nd 12pm - 11pm Posh BBQ & Outdoor Bar Dancing On The Lawn Bouncy Castle Live Music Jake Oakshott, Squire & Smith and more “Fun Hour ” 4-5pm Space hopper races, games etc.

DJ & Dancing

SUNDAY 23rd 12pm - 8pm Live Music All Day Posh BBQ & Outdoor Bar Jazzy Boys

22ND

JUNE

23RD

Adults: £3 entry on the door . Weekend pass £5 . Kids FREE

Emma Cummins Open Mic 4:30-5:50pm

Public welcome to sign up, if you’re interested in taking part please email: brasserie@channelsestate.co.uk

Megan Rose

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Channels Pratts Farm Lane Little Waltham Chelmsford, Essex CM3 3PT

FOR MORE INFO CALL

01245 400 005 www.channelsestate.co.uk

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WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE...

STEPHEN ALEXANDER HAIRDRESSING 203 Moulsham Street, Chelmsford, CM2 0LG TEL: 01245 494194 www.stephenalexander.co.uk EMAIL: sayhair@sayhair.co.uk

“Polzeath beckons!”

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I just love Polzeath, in Cornwall, and by the time you are reading this, we’ll have just returned from a weeks camping there, during which we’ll have given a debut to our brand new ‘air tent’ at Southwinds campsite (pitch number 41 - as always).

Polzeath is on the north coast and just a swift poodle on the beach along the Camel Estuary to Rock where you can catch a little tub of a ferry over to Padstow (or Padstein as the locals call it these days, due to the influence of celebrity chef Rick Stein).

We go there pretty much every year without fail as it’s such a chilled, relaxed place that attracts surfers who can’t really surf (I’d say), as well as a whole host of belly-boarders.

But it’s got, I dunno, such a lovely, lovely vibe.

You can go down there the last week of May, as we tend to do, and already plenty of the local blonde tousle-haired kids who work in the surf shops will have all-over tans as though they’re natives of Bondi Beach.

I’d also say that Polzeath attracts the right sort of tourists too, but we’re all different, so I won’t elaborate any further on that particular point (you know who you are).

The picture (below-left) is somewhat blurry, but the turquoise square you can see, that’s Cone Zone, where as well as great ice-cream they also happen to serve the best bacon & egg baps for breakfast on the entire planet. Then, on the right, that little speck of red is the sign outside the L.O.S. (local overpriced Spar), although it does stay open late and is often a lifesaver.

But just look up the hill, above and beyond, at the type of investment that’s going into the new builds, needless to say not for the locals.

I’ve even bumped into both Nick Knowles (and his ex-wife, who I thought must have been his daughter) in the Spar and David Cameron in the Galleon cafe right on the beach too.

Only now there’s a brand new B.B.C. (big blue container) at the very back of the beach selling coffees and bakery items that’s a great addition to this miniscule resort.

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Visit our door stall on Saturday’s at Chelmsford Market www.bobsdoors.co.uk bob@bobsdoors.co.uk

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Essex’s very first green festival is coming to Cressing Temple Barns this very month. Since Sir David Attenborough and the Blue Planet team showcased the effects single-use plastic is having on our oceans, environmental concerns have been hitting the headlines with increasing frequency, with young people growing ever more passionate about their planet.

For all those readers out there who have been moved by these issues ‘Planet Essex’ aims to help you and your friends and families celebrate your environment, as well as learn more about how to upcycle, buy local and have some fun at the same time. This family friendly one-day festival will feature a huge range of activities, local food and drink producers, stalls, crafts and outdoor cinema, with everything included in the entry price.

Delicious bites will be available from local food vendors, a wide variety of stalls will be selling environmentally friendly products, and a designated kids’ area will be a hive of activity throughout the day.

Visitors are invited to bring broken small appliances along to the Repair Café to be fixed on the day. Plus, The London Junk Orchestra will be helping children transform rubbish into instruments to coordinate a special performance.

Many charities will also be attending, including the British Heart Foundation, with a range of second-hand furniture for sale, Essex Wildlife Trust, Hamilton’s Hens and the RSPCA who will be bringing some of their rescue dogs.

Advance online tickets are priced at: Adult £10, Child £5 and under 3’s free.

To find out more and book: visitparks.co.uk/events.

The Edge 01245 348256

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We have some exciting news to share.

After a decision to set up a food stall around two years ago, around about the time we had first started writing in The Edge, we have finally taken the leap and committed.

A couple of months ago we registered as a food exhibitor at this year’s Essex Food & Drink Festival at Cressing Temple Barns on the weekend of 13th/14th July. Ever since then, there has been a fair amount of work going on in the background with registering as a business, all of the food safety elements, plus the fun bits, such as menu planning and stall design.

We have always said that if we had a stall, we would have a changing menu so that people can try out lots of our seasonal recipes.

Naturally there will always be a calamari dish, a vegan dish, and of course a cocktail to pair with the menu (though of course, that may be subject to the licensing laws of the hosting premises).

You will also hopefully be pleased to hear that we have all of the above planned to be served at the upcoming festival in question. And we honestly can’t wait, so hopefully this will be a stepping stone to our next foodie adventures.

Yes, we are more than ready for all of those early mornings and late nights, not to mention fun filled planning sessions.

theedgemag.co.uk/subscribe receivetheedgedirectto yourtabletorcough mixtureorlaptopor whereverthehellyou wanttoreceiveit withoutleaving yourhomeoryour officeoryour deckchair. it’sverysimple. allyouneedtodo isSUBSCRIBE

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Along with the weekend in July, we were also offered a place at Chelmsford’s market, but we were unfortunately unable to commit to both Friday’s and Saturday’s, so for now, you will only see us at events and festivals - unless you need us to cater for one of your own events and work out a personalised menu just for you?

To kick things off, we have arranged a simple menu for the forthcoming festival, themed around a Creole deep south taste with cocktails to match. Po’boys! Wondering what a po’boy actually is? Think about a hybrid between a soft British summer lobster roll and a pumped-up American sub, filled with toppings!

Meanwhile, our very own artisan vegan buns will be filled with crisp lettuce, spicy Cajun coated panko calamari or panko aubergine, vegan aioli, fresh herbs, chilli and pickles. You will also be able to add a sweetcorn salsa and coleslaw.

We know what it’s like at a food festival; you might not want to fill-up at one place so that you can try as much as possible - so we are also offering the option to have a single portion of our signature crunchy calamari or aubergine.

We honestly don’t want to give too much away just yet, but we will definitely be running a giveaway competition on social media for you to potentially bag yourselves some free cocktails and calamari over the course of the two days of the festival. So stay tuned to our Instagram for more details.

And if you are going to be at the festival, please do pop by and say ‘hi’ and show some support.

It would be genuinely nice to meet some of our regular readers face-to-face and we can’t wait to share our journey with you!

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Over the weekend of 22nd/23rd June, Channels Estate will be taken over by Summerfest - a new food and music festival that's poised to become part of the annual summer season in Essex (see page 5 for further details).

The event will showcase some of the best local music artists including Squire & Smith, Jake Oakshott, Emma Cummins and Megan Rose, along with Head Chef Dan Pitts’ pop-up barbecue experience.

The Summerfest will feature a marquee, cheerful tables and hopefully, some clear blue skies, adding up to a truly family affair - even dogs are welcome on their leads.

The excitement kicks-off at 12-noon on each day, with entertainment including a ‘Fun Hour’ on Saturday with spacehopper races, dancing on the lawn and a variety of live music acts. There will also be an Open Mic hour on Sunday between 4pm-5pm for any brave souls who care to sign up, ably fortified by a mini Prosecco, Pimms & Gin bar, plus an outside bar stacked with local artisan brews.

Channels is renowned for the best in locally produced food, a warm welcome and a terrific sense of fun. The family business has been a feature of Chelmsford life for over four generations and is a much-loved venue at the heart of the community. Proprietor, Katie Squire, works tirelessly to create a haven for locals and visitors from further afield, showcasing local produce as much as possible and turning on a sixpence to accommodate large parties and any special requests.

This year’s Summerfest looks set to break all previous visitor records and if weather forecasts are to be believed, a Channels mini-festival experience without the queuing, camping or terrible loos is the best possible bet!

Channels Saugage Dog Cafe event is the brainchild of Dachshund lover Tammy Velissarides (32) from Chelmsford, and her dog, Wilbur, who together hosted Chelmsford's first ever Sausage Dog Café and have built up a loyal following since.

Tammy, who struggles with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and her favourite companion, a shaded red dachshund who has transformed her life and has become something of a celebrity on social media with 22,000 Instagram followers, have teamed up with Katie Squire, the dog mad owner of Channels Estate, to create a very special canine get together on Saturday 15th June.

Katie is committed to welcoming dogs to Channels, offering a special menu within Channels Bar & Brasserie, along with free treats at the bar, water bowls and blankets. She has even built a doggy agility course in the grounds and allows dogs to stay in her plush boutique hotel on the country estate. In fact, following the success of her Doggy Christmas Parties over the past two years, Katie is now laying on a calendar of doggy events.

Such is the popularity of Tammy’s Sausage Dog Café pop-ups that 90 minute time slots have been organised starting at 9.00am, 10.45am, 12.30pm and 2.15pm. Though the slots are specifically for Dachshunds, as of 4.00pm, all breeds, both large and small, are welcome.

Channels Bar & Brasserie will be serving food and drink all day in the restaurant.

Proctors Sausages, Rashers of Bacon, Cheese & Biscuits, and Snuffle Dog Beer are just a few of the treats available for doggy diners to wolf down and visitors are free to use the agility area and beautiful gardens. A marquee will host a number of stalls selling dog related products, alongside a doggy photo studio.

Katie Squire adds: "It’s a great cause and will be a fantastic event. In fact, the demand for tickets for the Sausage Dog Café has overwhelmed us. It promises to outshine any canine event we have ever laid on!"

Tickets: £4 per adult, £3 per child, and £3 per dog. You can book and ask questions through their dedicated Facebook page.

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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Shop), your average 14 year old nowadays won’t settle for anything less than MAC make-up, applied with brushes made from genuine unicorn hair! How do teachers even tell them apart with a classroom full of clones with matching make-up, eyebrows and hair extensions?

Whilst they’re wanting Mulberry bags to carry their school books around in, we were happy to use a carrier bag, although we did try to make sure it was one of the good ones (River Island or Jane Norman) as opposed to being seen with an embarrassing one (C&A or Jackson’s Warehouse). But quite frankly though, being the mother of two young girls, this whole mindset terrifies me with the pressures they may face to conform.

Back in the day, we got driving lessons for our 17th birthday present (if we were lucky). These days, they’re far more likely to get a ‘boob job’ or their nose ‘fixed’!

The Pursuit of Perfection At what point did this country become so materialistic and narcissistic? It’s all about having the ‘right stuff’ these days, and the ‘right look’. Whether or not you’re a decent, honest or kind human being, or indeed are even slightly less shallow than a puddle, seems completely irrelevant these days.

When I was at school, most kids looked fairly average. You know, dodgy make-up, dodgy clothes, all different shapes and sizes, and that was just their eyebrows. Whilst we were happy with a Rimmel lipstick from Superdrug, some blusher and the cheapest make-up brushes we could find (finished off with a spray of Dewberry from The Body

Which leads me onto a recent encounter I had in a nail salon. I had the misfortune to be placed next to a lady/princess getting her eyelashes tinted, which due to the nature of the procedure meant her eyes were closed for the duration. Unfortunately, her mouth wasn’t and over the next 30 minutes I had the dubious ‘pleasure’ of listening to her drone on and on in her incredibly fake posh accent (which completely failed to disguise the fact that she was a bona fide Mancunian) about herself and her perception of beauty. Within an incredibly short space of time, I learnt that her husband had paid for her to have her boobs done, teeth done, lips done, while she herself had never done a day’s work in her life. Next on her list was to get a tummy tuck “so I can wear a bikini”. Now I’m not against surgery if you have a problem. However, this woman had no kids and must have weighed in at eight stone, so I’m pretty certain she could have done justice to a bikini far better than most. She then proceeded to complain how she was now the heaviest she’d ever been (honestly, I think I was probably 12 years old the last time I was 8 stone) and that this “huge weight gain” (from seven stone) had all happened since she’d been married. She further went on about how “small is beautiful” and she

really needed to lose the extra stone she’d gained blah, blah, blah. Now, bearing in mind I’m probably nearer twice the size of her, it took all of my willpower not to passively aggressively suggest that she may care to open her eyes and have a look around her the next time she decides to spend half-an-hour effectively insulting the majority of women worldwide.

But she still wasn’t finished, because she then started talking about her husband and all of a sudden it became clear that what had been coming across as vanity and superficiality was actually someone who was very insecure indeed. Funnily enough, it emerged that he was the one who’d stated she needed to lose a stone from her already tiny frame, while the boob job was also his idea, and it was him who didn’t want her to work.

Phew! Forgive me if I’m wrong, but surely if you’re married to someone, you love them unconditionally? But who am I to judge? She seemed happy enough, on the surface. But what I do know is that if I had a husband like that, he’d be the excess weight I got rid of very quickly (as I celebrated with an Indian take-away and lashings of ice-cream).

Just where has all this pressure to fit a certain mould come from? What happened to individuality, or even satisfaction with our lives? Is it the likes of TOWIE and/or other reality shows that’s started it? Or maybe social media or something else entirely? We are constantly bombarded with images of so-called ‘perfect lives’, but how much of it is real? People would rather the world see them through a Snapchat dog filter than show the person they actually are, or go to a pool party on holiday with absolutely no intention of ever getting wet, for fear of ruining their damned hair and make-up.

Don’t get me wrong, everyone likes nice things and of course I’d love to look like a Victoria’s Secret model. But with several years behind me, I’ve accepted I am who I am and that the person underneath and the people around me are, and always will be, worth far more than looks and possessions alone.

Me and my wife didn’t even sit together on our recent flight out to Malaga. Nope, we were cutting back and failing to pander to Ryanair charging us to fly and then charging us extra to book specific seats (what’s that all about, the money-grabbing-shysters?).

I got sat next to a young lady who pretty much slept for two hours - but fortunately didn’t snore or dribble - and because I was bored, I kept on wondering what I could pop into her permanently open bouche.

Oh, give over with all the tittering at the back of the classroom.

I was thinking about maybe, you know, popping a couple of Maltesers in there, only I didn’t have any to hand, and nor did I fancy forking out £4 for a box from a Ryanair trolley-dolly.

Then I got to considering some glass marbles (I always used to have a few of those in my blazer pocket when I was at school), but that was almost 50 years ago, so I didn’t have any of those handy either.

So in the end, I decided a small orange might best do the trick, before I liberally basted her and stuck her in the oven at gas mark 5 for 2 hours.

Well, you’ve got to keep your mind active while you’re flying, haven’t you. And hey, what’s wrong with using a little imagination to pass the time and keeping the creative juices flowing. N.B. A little embarrassing when she opened her eyes and caught me cogitating though.

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stuff. Whilst Arsenal and Chelsea also managed to get through to the Europa League Cup Final, giving us yet another ‘Full English’ affair.

What with all of the excitement of the Premiership over the past few weeks and Man. City pipping Liverpool to the post on the final day, plus all the great games in the Play-Offs, it's nice to say that football is the winner, for a change….unlike me in The Edge Footie Prediction Stakes competition (more of which next month)!

THE CHIEFTAINS

THE VORLD OF YAN THE UNDERDOG As Brits we love an underdog and over the last couple of months there have been plenty of underdog moments to cheer on, or at least raise a small smile towards certain football teams that not only performed well above expectations, but won against all the odds.

Take the Champions League, for example.

In the semi-finals, Liverpool were written off after a 0-3 loss at Camp Nou in the first leg and when the second leg came around a week later, we were pretty much being told by the ‘so called experts’ in the media that if they managed to nick a draw at home, it would salvage some pride, even though it wouldn't be enough to see them through to the final. Well, Mr Klopp clearly had other ideas and between him, the players, and the fans in the stadium, they generated enough belief to prove that you should ‘never say never’, even though no one, and I do mean no one, could have predicted them smashing Messi & Co. by an amazing 4-0 scoreline.It was a truly unbelievable night that had me, and I’m sure many of you, cheering, fist-pumping and smiling as brightly as Jurgen and his pearly whites himself. But that surely couldn't be topped, right? WRONG. A mere 24hrs later, Spurs, also the underdog after losing their first leg 0-1 at home to a very youthful and fast emerging Ajax side, had to go to Amsterdam to try to salvage something. However, after the first 45 minutes, they looked like they had been ‘on the smoke and pancakes’ and found themselves 0-2 down (0-3 on aggregate) and looked, in all honesty, dead and buried. I’m not sure what happened at half time? Maybe Poch or Harry Kane had promised to take the boys to the Red Light District after the game for a bit of window shopping if they turned it around in the second-half, but my god, did they turn it around. They managed to get themselves back to 2-2 with ten minutes to go, but needed one more goal to see them through on the away goal ruling. And in the very dying seconds, they only went and scored it, Luca Mora getting his third of the night, meaning Spurs were also through to the Champions League Final against Liverpool in Madrid.

I found myself clapping at the TV screen for the second night in succession, though being a West Ham fan, somewhat through gritted teeth.

So two English clubs in the final. Amazing www.theedgemag.co.uk

For anyone who read my first article three issues back, you'll remember how I spoke about my family's new found love for our local ice-hockey team, the Chelmsford Chieftains. Well, I can't really talk about underdogs without talking about this team (‘our’ team).

After the huge disappointment of losing the play-off final last year, we, the fans, then heard the bad news that the Riverside was shutting the rink for 9 months (from October 2018), meaning no home games for us throughout that period. This news followed quite quickly with the announcement of team coach Clements leaving his post and the Chieftains, quite possibly, folding.

Which was heartbreaking. Just as we had found a new ‘extended family’ to be a part of, it looked to already be over. But with news in late July/early August’18 that our magnificent owners, Del & Karen Bartlett, had managed to come to an agreement with Lee Valley ice-rink for our ‘home’ games to be played there, and signing a new young coach in Joe Wilson, we were fortunately back in action. But Joe had his work cut out attracting players to be part of something that had no home for 6 months, which also made training nights difficult. But he managed to put a team together and with this team we sat top of our league for pretty much most of the campaign. But with injuries and suspensions kicking in over the winter period, the small squad he had assembled was getting even smaller and points were naturally squandered.

However, we kept in the title race long enough to eventually finishing fourth and qualified once again for the play-offs, giving ourselves the underdog tag going into the Easter weekend period. First up in the semi’s we found ourselves 0-3 down after ten minutes against the team that finished top. Game over, surely? But somehow, no.

Our boys amazingly found it in themselves to pull it back to 2-3 by the end of first period and after that, the opposition didn't get a sniff as we took full control and eventually went on to win 9-3. We then found ourselves back in the final, playing the team who had finished second and had beaten us in the previous year's final, so we were the underdogs once again.

Our fans were nervous about a repeat performance, but thankfully the players and coaching team all kept their heads and with but a few scary moments, the Chieftains were never a doubt for picking up the trophy, fully deserved after what could of been a horrendous season.

What’s more, we will now be back at the Riverside for the brand new season and things are looking up. So why not get yourselves down there from September? I promise you, you seriously won't regret it.

The Polak x Page 11

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5pm-8pm

FRIDAY 14th JUNE

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Because Premier Inn didn’t have to make an effort to ‘pretty their exterior up’, did they? They could have just left it both drab and bland, like most other premises and businesses do.

So yes, The Edge was rather taken aback by what it sees, as it very much appreciates it when people (because it was probably someone, or possibly some ‘team of people’ at HQ, wasn’t it? Or their architects, maybe?) try to make things look better.

Speaking of which, what could Chelmsford, as a whole, do to make things look better?

Loads of stuff, naturally.

But as a statement, do you know what The Edge would like to see?

On every entry point to Chelmsford, such as the Army Navy roundabout and the one outside the VW place up at Widford, plus a roundabout (or two) along Regiment Way, and at the Springfield/Boreham interchange, get some big, higglety-pigglety letters and spell out CHELMSFORD exactly like they do HOLLYWOOD on Mount Lee in Los Angeles.

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ELIZABETH HOUSE CHELMSFORD

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SUPERBOY SAYS...

“SEE YOU ALL AT ESSEX PRIDE!”

The Stores Coffee, brunch & lunch

Essex Pride returns once again for its 16th year as a celebration of equality and diversity. What’s more, it’s an event for the whole community and is more than just a huge party. Pride inspires everyone to embrace diversity and fully demonstrates that people from all walks of life throughout Essex can join together to celebrate. Without doubt it is the biggest LGBT+ community celebration in Essex and this years event takes place on Saturday 15th June in Central Park, Chelmsford, from midday until late and has something for everyone including: Big Top Marquee with Live acts and DJ's Army & Navy Dance Stage Showcase Community Arena with Local Businesses & Charities Circus Workshop, Entertaining Sideshows & Stalls Great Food & Licensed Bars Essex Pride Dog Show Silent Disco The big top pride marquee will have an amazing line-up of live acts performing, all supporting the LGBT+ community including: SAMANTHA MUMBA - SAM BAILEY - LEE MEAD RuPaul Drag Race Queen Cynthia Lee Fontaine Sheyla Bonnick's BONEY M 90's Dance Act N-TRANCE Plus live tribute acts to Pink & Dolly Parton Watch out for outrageous drag queens plus emerging and unsigned local talent!

Also returning is the popular Essex Pride Dog Show, where visitors can bring their pampered pooches and enter them into the judging categories which include: Most Handsome Hound, Cutest Puppy, Best Veteran, Cleverest Trickster and Best Dressed (including fancy dress).

Registration will take place between midday and 2.30pm with the dog show starting at 2:45pm.

This year the Official After Party will be held at Popworld in Chelmsford.

Entry is free with your Essex Pride wristband. In fact, there are 3 Popworld parties for the Essex Pride weekend on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

This year's event is supported by sponsors including Aegon & Kames Capital and Chelmsford City Council.

The Chairman of Essex Pride, Garry Ormes, explains: "Thousands of people came to last years event. Not only is it a fun time and a chance to enjoy yourselves with friends, but it is also an opportunity for the whole community to really get together and celebrate diversity across Essex.

Pride is for everyone!"

By supporting and attending Essex Pride, you are helping to achieve a much more accepting community and showing that Essex is an accepting place to live.

Opening Times

Tuesday- Friday 8.30am-5pm Saturday 9am-5pm Main Road, Great Waltham, Chelmsford, Essex, CM3 1DE Tel ǻ 01245 362649 Email- thestorescafe@icloud.com

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This year is the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, a significant event that kick-started the whole Pride movement and the beginning of change in society, attitudes, law and acceptance. Please remember all those who campaigned and championed for the LGBT+ community so that we can enjoy the freedoms we have today.

Advance tickets are discounted at £12.50 for adults and £4 for children aged 13-17. Available online now for a limited period. Free entry for all children under 13 who do not require a ticket, but must be accompanied by a responsible adult who is over 18 at all times.

Full event information and advance tickets at www.essexpride.org

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www.theedgemag.co.uk

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BRILLIANT! How the hell did Katie Miller-Heidke not win the 2019 Eurovision Song Contest by an absolute landslide is completely beyond The Edge.

If you haven’t seen the performance, then make sure you do as it was jaw-droppingly astonishing. Just goes to show how political an event it truly is when you cannot fairly judge a winner on merit.

“What...those women on sticks?” said Lengthy-Boy when I text him about it.“Nah. They didn’t do anything for me.” (Boy’s got no taste!)

IT ’S A LIFE L IF E STYLE… S T YL E …

IT’S V ERANDAS VERANDAS

PPERGOLAS ERGOLAS

C all to to request request a free free brochure brochure 0800 0800 270 270 71 71 73 73 Call Page 16

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The Edge positively hated it. £1,200 it apparently cost him, from supposedly Theresa May’s favourite Italian designer (say n’more), Herno.

30 times he wore the damn thing during the 2018-19 season. There’s just no excuse for that. Not when you’re on the tele every week at any rate.

What a gaff. What an incredible faux pas.

The Edge hopes its readers will unite in their abject condemnation of the ‘bloody bobbly thing’.

When Pep first arrived in the Premiership, The Edge used to think he had such style. Such panache. After all, the guy’s built to hang clothes on. But we even hate his cardy more than some of Arsene Wenger’s collection of blue thigh-length anoraks (remember, the ones with the hoods and the well dodgy zips).

PG even went through a short phase of wearing a natty black bomber jacket while he was doing his aerobics on the touchline and The Edge thought, ‘Yeah. Way to go, man.’

After all, anyone who can make a bomber jacket look good has got to be onto something, right?

But this bloody thing (pictured right). Ugh. It even makes Starsky’s cardy, complete with woolen belt, look good from way back in the seventies, even though we used to think he looked a right tit in it at the time.

But now, fortunately, the grey behemoth is being auctioned for charity on Manchester City’s website in order to raise money for charity.

Seriously though, who’d even want it? Although they’re saying the bidding might reach six figures. What?

Pep’s wife is supposed to own a boutique in Barcelona, only you’d have thought she’d have had a quiet word with her leading man and said to him, “Not that bloody thing again, querido.”

Mrs Edge would certainly have told me in no uncertain terms, even if I was on £15m per annum!

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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Introducing the new Tooth & Nail.

It’s a toothbrush at one end a toenail clipper at the other.

A lady recently complained that the toenail clipper did not work so well on her teeth, while another lady asked if there was a longer version available, as she was always in a hurry and would like to be able to do both jobs at the same time.

Please be aware that this is under consideration for future Rapit designs.

For the sake of hygiene, each end is clearly marked so that you can't get them mixed up.

But we know what you’re thinking.

Who on earth would dream up such a thing?

Well, its all down to those clever folk at Rapit 3D printing and it’s possibly a world’s first.

Naturally there will be skeptics, there always are.

But there is also bound to be huge demand, so Edge readers, make sure you get yours before they sell out.

Imagine your partner’s surprise and delight when, on their birthday or on Christmas morning, they open the present you treated them to.

What’s more, the box is slightly larger than you would expect.

That's because it also has FREE gifts inside.

Some toilet paper. Absolutely free, all ten sheets of the stuff.

And for those of you who like nice things to look at, also included is a FREE display stand so that your Tooth & Nail can take pride of place in your living room and make a great talking point when family and friends are over to visit.

Contact rap3dit@gmail.com for further details. Or look to their website:www.chelmsford3dprinting.co.uk

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If you missed this quirky (The Edge does like all things quirky) sadcom of a series, then (a) why did you? And (b) make sure you get it on ketchup as it is not to be missed.

Toby Jones is such a clever little actor - I’ve never seen him in anything that’s duff.

Okay, so the scene is set in Bognor Regis when our man Pete (Toby), a coach driver for Bassetts Travel, discovers a migrant hiding in one of his wheel arches after he’s just got back from taking a load of old pensioners on a return-trip to Calais in order to stock up on their booze.

The Edge perhaps wasn’t patient enough where Home was concerned, the one about the Syrian refugee called Sami who is kindly taken in by a family in Dorking, but Don’t Forget The Driver it fell in love with pretty much immediately.

Peter Green lives an ordinary, boring life of packed lunches, holding down a job as a coach driver, while also looking after his mentally deteriorating mum and equally bored and frustrated daughter, Kayla, while his twin brother Barry (also played by Toby) is seemingly living the life of Riley out in sunny Australia and now and again keeps in touch via Facetime.

Early one morning, before anyone else has stirred, Pete discovers a body on Bognor beach, but shies away from it in abject fear. As the day progresses, over the coach radio, he gradually discovers that the person must have died at sea, days before being washed up on the shore - the implication, of course, being that they were trying to flee to the UK.

LIFE ASSURANCE

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What’s that? What do you say? It doesn’t sound very funny?

Well, it might not often be laugh-out-load funny, but the humour is subtle and something that is easily appreciated, although it does catch you out by a sucker-punch from time to time.

The seeds of a romantic subplot are also sown early doors by the introduction of Fran, who runs a greasy spoon in a lay-by where Pete often stops by to have a sausage sandwich and a cuppa.

It really is marvelous stuff and nostalgically took me back to summer holidays with my grandma and grandad, more often than not to Blackpool, Scarborough or Bridlington, but once to Cliftonville, which was a helluva long way from Yorkshire, and is not so very far away from Margate.

I remember the four of us (my Auntie Phyllis always used to come too) struggling up Queen Street with all of our suitcases in the early hours of the morning, the sky bathed crimson, then waiting at the top of the road for the coach to turn up with a driver not usually quite as nice as Pete.

We’d also make a loo stop of two on route, although I once remember the embarrassment of having to pee into a plastic bag, and also to buy some of those ‘bendy sandwiches’ wrapped in clingfilm.

Of course, I don’t remember a refugee problem way back then, but this series immediately seemed as familiar as a comfy pair of slippers and I, for one, cannot wait for series two, as there’s surely bound to be one.

Toby Jones co-wrote this with a carefully detailed air of melancholy and it really is drama the likes of which we, in Great Britain, do best.

Also watch out for some splendid wide-angle vistas of Bognor itself.

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www.theedgemag.co.uk

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CENTER PARCS I’ve recently returned from a short break with the family to Center Parcs. Quite honestly, I wasn’t looking forward to the trip because my lasting memory of my previous visit there some years ago was feeling as though I was in some sort of middle class prison, held captive and forced to pay exorbitant prices for everyday essentials such as soap and milk.

However, I am pleased to report that my opinion has now changed after a visit to their Woburn site.

The Woburn Center Parcs has only been open a few years, and it shows. The accommodation was impeccable, the service excellent and the facilities top notch.

They had everything we required for a family getaway and catered brilliantly for my eldest daughter who is just 3.

I’m not sure if it is my perception, but the prices seem to have improved too. Their on-site shops are evidently run by Co-op and seemed quite reasonable. What’s more, the cost to undertake activities was not overly expensive either.

We took the ‘threenager’ on crosscountry cars, boats, a sports day, pony riding and a teddy bears picnic and also got her face painted, all for under £100. Granted the weekend wasn’t cheap to start with, coming in at the best part of £600 for a family of 4 for 4 nights,

www.theedgemag.co.uk

but it really was was well worth it in my view.

Having had a quick look around online, I’ve also noticed there are deals to be had if you book on the day of arrival; one I saw was as little as £299 and, with it only being an hour up the road, if you book a late deal you might grab yourselves a bargain.

COLONIC IRRIGATION I never thought I would be sharing this information with you on these pages, but just the other month I had my first ever colonic irrigation.

The reason why I didn’t think I’d be sharing the news is not because I’m embarrassed by the procedure, but simply because I never thought I would be brave enough to go through with it.

But I have to say that I was incredibly impressed with the experience and I proved definitively what people have been saying about me my whole life; that I am full of shite.

I attended the excellent Primrose Clinic in Baddow Road and was made to feel comfortable and relaxed by the wonderful Esther who took care of proceedings.

A small tube was placed up (well, you know) and a mixture of gentle jets of water and suction began to cleanse my colon. It was a slow start, but things really got going about 10 minutes before the end when I managed to pass items

that resembled house bricks.

Leaving the clinic afterwards I genuinely felt incredible. I felt wide awake, had great concentration, and also felt about 8lbs lighter (which is actually what I lost).

I would genuinely recommend colonic irrigation to anyone.

THE O’s Another fantastic football season has come to an end and whilst the spotlight may have been on Manchester City and Liverpool, personally I was delighted to see Leyton Orient return to the football league. They are a relatively local club with a long history and great traditions. They had enjoyed a 112-year stay in the football league until relegation to the National League under the disastrous ownership of Francesco Becchetti. But thankfully, under new ownership and with the excellent Justin Edinburgh in charge, the O’s will be making a return to League Two next season.

JEREMY KYLE I wonder if there’s more than meets the eye with the recent suspension of The Jeremy Kyle Show? Some ’papers are reporting that the hugely popular programme will now be axed indefinitely after the apparent suicide of one of its guests following a failed love lie detector test.

To be honest, I’m not a big fan of

the abrasive style of the show, nor the approach taken by Kyle himself, although I understand that lots of people in this country are.

As far as I am aware, guests attend of their own free will and I am almost certain that they all know exactly what to expect (especially if they have been accused of being a love cheat).

But it’s genuinely sad that there has now been an apparent suicide, although is that really any different to the tragic loss of life that we have seen as a result of Love Island? That’s why I wonder if there is more to this story?

Editor’s note: I asked Billy why he had undertaken colonic irrigation and he told me it was so he could write about it in his Edge column. Hmmmmm???

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ONLY JOKING! ANY QUESTIONS?

Me: “Are you circumcised?”

Interviewer: “I meant about the job you’ve just applied for.”

CONFUSUS SAYS...

Little children are like farts.

You can only tolerate your own.

JEEPERS Three old ladies sitting on a bench together in the grounds of an old people’s home.

Just then, a little old man walks by.

One of the old girls yells, “Hey, we know exactly how old you are.”

The little old man replies, “There’s no way you three old bats can know that.”

“Wanna bet?” they chorused.

“Okay,” says the little old man. “Go for it.”

“Well, you’ll have to drop your trousers,” they say, “because there’s an art to it, you know.”

So the little old man checks all around, sees nobody is about, so drops his breechers.

“Hmmmm,” say the girls. “Difficult. Very tricky.

Mind if we check the, erm, weight?”

The old man nods his agreement.

Well, ten minutes go by and he gets to thinking they’re taking liberties with him by now, so he says, “Well? How old am I then, because my privates are getting a bit chilly now?”

The girls immediately go into a huddle and come up with, “Eighty-seven!”

“Jeez,” says the little old man. “Spot on! But just how in the jeepers did you come up with that?”

They snigger, “We were all invited to your birthday party yesterday.”

DIDDUMS Hubby nearly choked after he bit into a grape and a little bit of juice squirted down his throat.

“Ah, diddums,” said I. “Not as easy as it looks, huh?”

SUPER MARIO People say that video games affect how children behave. But Super Mario has been popular for years and I truly haven’t seen a significant increase in the number of plumbers. Have you?

DATING v MARRIED

FAMILY TRADITION

Dating: “Hold me tightly in your arms all night long and never let me go.”

Married: “Imagine if you stayed on your f cking * side of the bed and stopped mouth breathing on my face every five minutes!”

A blonde bloke says to his blonde girlfriend of two years, “Look, I love you. You know I do. But we can never marry.”

With that, his blonde girlfriend burst into tears.

“I’m sorry,” he says, “I’m sorry. But it’s a family tradition. You see, we always marry within the family and I simply don’t want to break with tradition.”

“You’re sure?” she sobs.

“Yup,” says our hero. “Dad married Mum. Grandad married Grandma. And heck, even Uncle Bob married Auntie Pauline. It’s just the way we roll.”

BUZZING A young man and his girlfriend are getting down to it when a bumble bee flies in through the bedroom window and straight up her purse.

She immediately freaks out and entreats her beau to do something about it PDQ, only he’s at a complete and utter loss what to suggest. So he rushes her to A&E while she is still buzzing.

When she is eventually loaded into an examination chair, a young, good looking doc says to her, “Look, this is going to be a bit of an experimental procedure because I’ve never done anything quite like this before. But, with your boy-friend’s permission, I’m going to smear some honey all over the end of my penis, insert it into your exceedingly tidy lady-garden and, hopefully, when I feel as though the bee is getting close, I shall withdraw and, fingerscrossed, tempt it out.”

The boyfriend agrees and the girlfriend, still panicking, says to just get on with it.

So the doctor dips his bell-end into a jar of honey that he strangely happens to have at his immediate disposal before inserting his member into the young lady’s pocket.

After a few gentle strokes in the examination chair she adjusts her position and starts to follow his rhythm. Only the doctor quickly explains to her boyfriend that it doesn’t appear to be working, so insists he is going to have to go deeper in search of the pesky bee.

With the agreement of both duly granted, the doctor plunges deep inside the lass, again and again and again.

Only the boyfriend is pretty concerned when the doctor grabs hold of his girlfriend’s breasts, so shouts, “Hey! What the hell’s going on?”

“Stand back,” gasps the young doc. “Mission aborted. Slight change of plan. I’m going to drown the bastard instead.”

PERSONAL TRAINER Personal Trainer: “Hi Lucy (smarm preen).

How’s your day been so far?”

Lucy: “Great. I just punched myself in the face trying to get my sports bra on. How about you?”

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH My girlfriend can be so cruel.

Like, the other night, she was in one of her moods whilst watching a David Attenborough programme and all of a sudden she said, “Billions of years from now an alien archeological dig will probably unearth your fossilised penis and even then they’ll probably all look at each other just that little bit disappointed.”

CHEFS Nurse: “What happened to your fingers?”

Man: “You know those chefs who can cut up vegetables really, really quickly?”

Nurse: “Yes.” Man: “Turns out I’m not very good at it.”

HILARIOUS So I asked my other half why she stuck with me and she was like, “Because you're so funny.”

And I was like, “Whoa, hang on, babes. I thought it was because I was hung and always performed good in bed for you?”

And she was like, “You see, Martin. You're just so f* cking hilarious!”

COME ON EILEEN I was at a disco the other night.

The DJ played ‘Do the Twist’. So I did the twist.

Then he played ‘Jump’. So I jumped.

And then he played ‘Come on Eileen’.

Only I didn’t know anyone there called Eileen, but I did spot Jackie and...

Well, I got kicked out for that, even though it was a total misunderstanding on my part.

GUT INSTINCT I've tried following my gut, but there must be something wrong with mine as it just keeps leading me to bakeries and chip shops etc.

TONIGHT My dwarf boyfriend has been finding it a bit tough lately, what with everyone taking the p ss * out of his size and all.

So tonight, in order to cheer him up, I’ve bought him the latest Avengers movie, a 6-pack of his favourite beer, a large bag of popcorn, and I’m going run him a nice hot sink to get into the moment he returns home from work.

NATURE Consider this:I want one to have claws.

One that can swim, but can't fly.

A huge one that runs funny.

And one that bangs its head against trees.

God making birds.

WELL HAPPY My missus likes her steak rare.

And when I say rare, if it was chewing on the salad when it was served, honestly, she’d be more than happy.

THE INTERVIEW I went for a job interview today.

Eventually my prospective employer asked me point blank what my biggest fault was.

So I told him it was undoubtedly my honesty.

“Oh, I wouldn’t describe that as a fault,” he said.

So I said, “I couldn’t give a f ck what you’d * describe it as, you big fat ****.

Needless to say, I didn’t get the job.

CELEBRITY If you take a ‘bit’ out of ‘celebrity’, you’re left with a tasteless, pointless, vegetable.

THE DIET Day 1: It said to remove all of the bad food from the cupboards.

So I did.

It was delicious.

TABLETS I phoned my doc to ask him why these new tablets he’d put me on were making me walk like a crab.

He said, “It’s probably the side-effects.”

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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It was a grey and drizzly Friday evening in May, the glorious week long sunshine unfortunately having only disappeared the very day before.

I arrived at 6.00pm prompt and Franco apologised for being five minutes late as he’d apparently been cutting down some trees in Oxfordshire with a chainsaw (don’t ask). Do any of you remember Franco, formerly of the Cosmopolitan restaurant (and bakery) in Broomfield Road, where the Nepalese restaurant now sits?

Franco is actually Sugar Palm’s landlord, but let’s just say he’s been helping out a little of late. What’s more, as a keen herbalist himself, he told me he’d surprisingly learnt one or two things from the Sugar Palm chefs - and yes, they are authentically Thai, don’t you know.

As things stand, although I am reliably informed that such matters are in hand, Sugar Palm looks all a bit garish on the outside. But hey, you’re not eating their sign, are you?

We sat in a couple of tub chairs beside the bar, chatting over old times, while I actually sipped a cold bottle of Marston’s Pedigree, which was a nice surprise. Man of many talents Franco had also brought along a bottle of his very own home-made red wine that he said was between 16%-17% and was as smooth as a baby’s bottom and accompanied that which we were about to receive perfectly (although I cannot promise you readers the same courtesy, should you choose to visit).

By 7.00pm we were seated at our cosy corner table for two, around about the same time that 8 ladies walked in to dine.

For our starters we had two (Thai) soups, and I had to chortle to myself as the very mention made me think of Mrs Overall. However, instead of ending up on the floor, there was only one place these were heading as they were exquisite, made with scallops, the chunkiest of prawns and mussels, all fresh from Billingsgate. Honestly, the spicy flavour of what I would call ‘the broth’ took me back to my five previous visits to Thailand.

We also (greedy pigs) had an intermediary dish containing possibly the best spring roll I have ever tasted (packed with delicious duck) which was so far removed from the picture that has probably popped into your mind just now. Oh and not forgetting a couple of incredible mini fishcakes too.

With Franco’s delicious wine going down a treat, 12 more ladies walking in and I was beginning to wonder what the hell was going on? Our mains of Massaman Curry with slow cooked lamb and a Thai Green Curry with chicken arrived to share and were without a shadow of a doubt the best Thai food I have tasted in Chelmsford (it’s just a shame we don’t often get the Thai weather to go with it). Three words that readily sprang straight to mind were: ‘Fresh! Fresh! Fresh!’

But we were in no mood to rush and by the time we had eventually finished, the ladies had disappeared, all 20 of them. “Perhaps they didn’t like the look of a couple of old timers like us, Franco?” I mused. But it turns out they tend to have a few nibbles at Sugar Palm (nowhere near as much as we’d just had though) and then slink off next door - and I do mean right next door - to Sam’s for a bit of the old private karaoke (I didn’t even know people still did that, but apparently, they do).

By the time my cab turned up at 9.45pm (the time just flew by), I was done for, whilst Franco was busy tucking into a dessert. Well, being a lumberjack by day is hard physical labour, bless him!

Nub, our waitress (who’s 30, yet looks 20) and Chef M (who’s now gone to Stoke-on-Trent to teach Thai cooking and is 36, but looks 26 - what is it about Thai food that apparently knocks a decade off the way you look?) catered after both Franco and I superbly well throughout our evening and hey, I also got a doggy bag to take home with me too. Result!

So was I surprised about what an evening at Sugar Palm held in store for me? You’re damn right I was, and most pleasantly so too.

MEIN HOST! Franco Rusciani at Sugar Palm www.theedgemag.co.uk

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too? Nobody is above the law? Pah, you watch me, and what are you gonna do about it, snowflake? And underlying it all is a nod and a wink to supporters that violence would be okay if necessary.

June already. Bloody hell, where do the months go? It seems like just yesterday Britain was basking in the long hot days of February.

Which brings us to the money shot. These people can only get away with it because there is a significant portion of the populace in whatever country we’re talking about that is attracted to this ugly side of human nature. Why?

The title of this month’s missive from the Californian sunshine will bring back memories for those of a certain age - old, that is - that were there for the disco era of the 70s.

Shame Shame Shame was a nightclub hit back then and the lyrics went on to bestow shame shame shame; shame on you; if you can’t dance too. Yeah, crap, but come on, meaningful verse wasn’t the point of disco.

As you saunter into the metropolis of Chelmsford and pick up this copy of The Edge from a handily placed dispenser in the emporium of your choice, you will be aware that the revolting man that somehow got elected as leader of the free world is about to visit the UK. So, lucky you. A three day festival of lies, ignorance, self promotion and contempt for civilised behaviour are about to come your way. As well as a probable groping for Queenie.

Sadly, it’s not just a three day event for us out here on the west coast. We have to live with it day in and day out.

Sometimes you have to give yourself a mental enema and turn the news off for a week or two. The poison can get so deep in your bones you end up hating the person you’ve become.

So why is that? Why does the election of someone you disagree with cause not just a hope that he’ll get beaten at the polls next time, but something much more visceral? It’s because this has now gone way beyond a difference in political philosophies. The division isn’t between leftish and rightish politicians. It’s become a good guys vs bad guys battle. And all over most of the civilised world, the bad guys are winning.

Now let’s get this clear. These are not ‘bad guys’ because they have a different outlook on how countries should be organised to the one favoured by your columnist. No, they are bad guys because they have left all sense of what we used to call decency behind. And gone with the decency is any sense of shame. Trump and his disciples are utterly shameless, and that makes it extremely hard for decent folk to come to terms with. How do you counter someone who ignores all the rules if you are reluctant to go down that path yourself because of the shame you’d feel? And anyway, breaking the rules means you become a bad guy. It’s a conundrum wrapped in an enigma surrounded by a vicious circle.

Most politicians of all stripes can be economical with the truth at times, but there is a critical difference between those people and what is happening now. Trump and his ilk lie deliberately and constantly. But, and it’s a very big but, they have no shame when caught in that lie. A shrug of the shoulders or, more likely, a total denial they told the lie in the first place. Another lie, but who cares?

So once they’ve crossed that line, there are no limits. If you can lie your arse off and get away with it, how about a little sideline in corruption to make some personal cash

Let’s get back to the brazen lying, because this is still the crux of it all. The biggest lie Trump tells, and it’s the same one that Farage spouts, is that he’s doing all this for them - the little people. Utter bollocks. Trump and Farage have no affiliation or affection for little people at all. What they do have is bloody great egos that need feeding.

Which, of course. means the little people have been conned. But admitting you’ve been taken for a sucker is difficult, so they double down on the support.

Back to where we started and the Orange Monster’s visit to the UK. It’s clear that Lying Man has a few supporters in the UK who are in favour of the bullying, lying and aggressiveness and will see his visit as a wonderful way to stick it up the snowflakes who are stupid enough to still believe in decency, truth, rules and all that pansy, loser, stuff.

Well, despite any differences we might have over Brexit, it is to be hoped that the vast majority of Britons are decent people at heart and will let Trump know in no uncertain terms that his shameless indecency is not welcome.

Bring out the crybaby blimps.

Anon.

EDGE

the

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The Bank Holiday weekend at the beginning of May was the complete opposite to the glorious weather we’d enjoyed over the Easter period.

In short, it was grey and decidedly chilly, so we thought we’d drive to the Kent coast to do a recce on a campsite we’d been told about.

Only bugger me if our plans weren’t immediately disrupted where the A12 meets the M25.

Like an idiot, I queued with a whole load of other vehicles and drivers, in the left-hand lane, as we wanted to turn left, to the Dartford Bridge and Kent, as opposed to going straight on, to Romford, or right, to the M11 and Potters Bar/St.Albans/Watford.

I noticed many cars were speeding past us and eventually the penny dropped. They were speeding past us and then jamming their anchors on and cutting into the slightest gaps in the tailback in order to blatantly queue-jump.

But you wouldn’t act in such a way in a Post Office of supermarket queue, would you?

However, you’re in your own little metal box and it somehow makes it acceptable, does it?

What’s worse was we had an elderly (female) biddy in a Nissan Micra in front of us who kept on letting this behaviour happen.

But you try to stay calm, don’t you? You try. Yet you cannot help yourself getting tenser and tenser and angrier and angrier at the total unjustness of all of these tossers streaming past, because they simply don’t want to wait.

Only as the slip-road eventually came into sight, I felt such a plonker for sitting in the traffic for the past 40 minutes, as two-lanes suddenly transformed into four as you approach and I guessed that all those so called ‘tossers’ who use the route on a regular basis know that and obviously act accordingly.

But something’s clearly not right there, is it?

Because it appears to encourage a free-for-all with not a police car (ever) in sight.

What about if they were put down the middle of the two lanes of the A12, say about a mile from the M25 turn-off, with signs clearly stating that the left-hand lane was for M25 traffic, while those going straight on to Romford need to be in the right-hand lane.

That’d surely sort it out, wouldn’t it?

That’d stop people queue-jumping and pushing in and causing so much grief, anger and dread.

Something like that surely needs to happen because we’d already abandoned all of our intentions of going to Kent, although first we had to battle our way around the M25 roundabout in order to get back up the other side of the A12, and I do mean battle, as it was proper carnage around there.

We ended up eating our packed lunch in Hylands Park after all of that malarkey.

So, what can be done?

Well, you remember those ridiculous orange and white Mickey Mouse bollards that used to direct traffic into Baddow Road from Parkway?

So what do Edge readers who use the M25 on a regular basis think about my suggestion?

Reply to suggestions@theedgemag.co.uk

At Driink Coffee Club, coffee is their passion - starting with the beans, to the brew, to the perfect presentation.

Driink endeavour to bring you the very best coffee experience possible.

As an independent artisan coffee house, they only serve coffee supplied by the city’s own local roasters, Mac & Me, whilst also supporting one of the last dairy farms in Essex, Bradfields.

Make no bones about it, Driink are heavily coffee focused, having built everything by hand around the Barista, thus creating the space they need to prepare the most beautiful coffees.

Driink’s Barista artists treat each cup like a fine chef does a meal, taking both pride and time to ensure each coffee is flawless. Shots are pulled on a state of the art La Marzocco Leva machine, whose extraction profile differs from most conventional pump driven machines, where pressure is typically constant over the entire extraction period. Tasting a coffee from the Leva and comparing it to a traditional ‘constant pressure’ machine, one really can detect just how much smoother the coffee really is.

What’s more, Driink continuously adjust their grind to allow for changes in the atmosphere, which is just one of the many steps regularly undertaken to make sure your espresso is served just so.

Driink’s ethos is coffee perfection, because the coffee is freshly ground for every order, so you know that your coffee will be fresh every single time.

In a city full of chains, Drink really are bringing something unique to Chelmsford. Adopting an Australian approach to coffee perfection, they offer beautifully crafted beverages for an indulgent taste experience.

Driink love what they do, and they want Chelmsford to discover the beauty of truly great tasting coffee.

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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I

’m sure you’re all aware of the 10 days of protests and civil disobedience undertaken by the Extinction Rebellion (ER) group back in April and I’m equally sure you have your own view on whether their protests were effective, educational, or possibly whether they should have been protesting at all.

I say that after seeing a significant number of vox-pops from Londoners and commuters all having a moan about how the protests were too disruptive, with one genius even going so far as to say: “I get what they’re protesting about, but why should it make me late for work?” (I actually think said genius should be commended for perfectly illustrating their point by letting it fly so very far over his head.)

KiNGPiN The Kingmeister reports

EXTINCTION REBELLION

100 years down the line?

When all’s said and done, for all of us alive today, climate change is somebody else’s problem, and if we’re completely honest about it, I don’t think there’s a leader of a first world nation or CEO of any corporation (as well as many of us) that aren’t thinking: “It’s only really going to affect all of those funny little brown people who live in mud huts anyway. We’ll be alright.”

Be honest, would you really want to change your life to a significant degree? Go vegan? Give up your car? Give up your flat-screen TV and your stylish-but-often-massproduced-in-appalling-conditions wardrobe, just so people 100 years from now have a chance to enjoy their lives on a planet that isn’t a giant landfill? Maybe some of you actually would, or even have, but we all know you’re just a tiny minority.

While I do think ER’s actions are both laudable and necessary, I also have to admit that I think they’re tilting at windmills. I hope I’m wrong, but I genuinely can’t see anyone “Trying to save the world, are we, madam? ’Course you are.” (and this includes governments, The sad fact is, the rest of us just Capitalism literally changes our entire existence, industry, as well as you and I) taking the radical don’t care enough. It’s not nice, but it’s the truth. and a change of that magnitude is going to be steps required to really make an impact on the But let’s say enough of us do start making extremely painful. Honestly, which of us are going issue, at least before it’s too late. changes. What about the people in power (and by to willingly sign up to that, particularly when we that I don’t mean governments, but the people can just kick the can down the road for another We can point the finger at corporations and politiwith all the money)? Will they really give up what generation or two.

Which brings me onto my next cal corruption all we like, and while they certainly they’ve got to combat climate change, particularly point... share a large portion of the blame-cake it would when helping to cause climate change has made be dishonest not to admit to ourselves that we’re them all that money in the first place?

The Future Doesn’t Exist If Your Head’s just as culpable. I think what a lot of people don’t In The Sand understand, or don’t want to admit, is that the ecoMaybe if just one or two do it, the others will follow Even the most dire predictions suggest that it’ll be logical catastrophe currently in progress isn’t due suit? Possible, but unlikely, due to what’s known decades before our ecological chickens really to any particular malfeasance; it’s being caused by as the ‘Prisoner’s Dilemma’, a psychological test come home to roost, and this is perhaps the us simply living our lives. designed to measure rationality and cooperation biggest roadblock to any meaningful change. against self-interest. No prizes for guessing which Human beings have a psychological blind spot Think about that for a moment. Us simply living usually wins. Essentially, the prisoner’s dilemma when it comes to looking to the future, both short day-to-day has been, and still is, contributing to states a version of the following: Prisoners A and term and long term. Who we are isn’t the same as the poisoning of our air, our food supplies, the B are both facing 5 years. If neither betray the who we were, nor who we are going to be. amount of potable water and the biggest sustained other then their sentences are commuted to 3 Humans are a constantly evolving work in extinction event since the last T-Rex waved goodyears, but if A betrays B, his sentence is commutbye with its gimpy little arms. Yes, it’s ed to 1 year, and vice versa if B betrays true that there are 10 corporations A. responsible for most of the ecological damage being inflicted, but can we really While not betraying each other means blame them? After all, the reason these they both get a beneficial result, which companies are causing such damage is is the more rational approach, both prisbecause we want more of the stuff oners will choose to betray the other as they’re selling us, we want it as cheap it’s in their own self-interest. as possible and we want it delivered the very next day.

So, in layman’s terms, we have corporation A making changes that benefit The scale of the changes required are the environment, but harming its profits. absolutely huge and would require a funSo if corporation B doesn’t make the damental shift in the way we think and same changes, they’re at an advantage. live, the way the world works and how Both A and B know this is what will hapwe live in it. Capitalism? That has to go, pen, thus neither of them make the at least in its current incarnation. You change. can’t have a socio-economic system predicated on consumption and endless All of the above is why, though I growth on a planet with finite resources; applaud their efforts, I think that it’s really that simple.

Extinction Rebellion are doomed to fail.

Not to be confused with the other prisioner’s dilema Because let’s face it, they’re not just progress, so it’s perhaps understandable that we But how do you even start to dismantle a structure fighting corruption and greed, which would probaeven see our future selves as someone else. It’s that’s dominant across most of the world? A strucbly be more than enough on their own, they’re why we do stupid things, like getting knee-walking ture that’s jealously, even religiously defended by fighting the status-quo, convenience and apathy. drunk on a Wednesday night, even though we both those at the top of the pile and (bizarrely) know we’ve got to be up at 6am to go to work the those at the bottom who get a regular shafting They’re not only asking business and industry to following day. from those at the top. change the way we live and work, but asking us to sign up to it, and sign up to uncertainty and Wednesday Kingpin is having a high old time.

What do we replace it with? Socialism? Fat upheaval on a massive scale, all so we can have He’s loving life now he’s on pint number 6, so chance of that ever happening in the US, where less of the things we’ve spent so long working what does he care about tomorrow? That’s most of them couldn’t tell the difference between hard for and been hoodwinked into thinking are Thursday Kingpins’ problem, and let’s face it, he’s socialism and communism if you held a hammer actually important. a bit of a dick anyway, so screw Thursday Kingpin and sickle to their heads. As John Steinbeck said: and his monumental hangover. This is a well“Socialism never took root in America because the Just be honest with yourselves. Are you really known psychological quirk of human beings, so if poor see themselves not as an exploited proletarigoing to do all that for people who don’t even exist we can’t be expected to reliably do the sensible at, but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires.” yet? thing to ensure our own wellbeing over a 24-hour period, what hope have we got looking 50 or even Just (and I say that tongue-in-cheek) ripping up I know I won’t be.

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S N

Brakehorse Power 2019 @ Chelmsford City Racecourse Sat. 27th & Sun. 28th July

V

CHINESE CUISINE

A two-day charitable car show for all the family.

In November 2016, Steve Dunster’s wife, Sharon, died of a very rare cancer called Mucosal Melanoma. It is a cancer that grows inside the body, with no apparent signs until the tumours show themselves, by which time the prognosis is not good as the cancer is so far advanced.

This research is now underway with some successful results already being achieved.

Sharon & Steve were dedicated ‘petrol heads’ and keen car enthusiasts, so it seemed inevitable to Steve that money could be raised through the car community. So after a successful meeting with Chelmsford City Racecourse, it was agreed to stage Brakehorse Power 2019.

The show is being supported by many car clubs, groups and car companies/businesses from the local area, but this is not just a car show. There will be many, many other things going on over the course of the weekend for all the family to enjoy.

Essex Police Drone Flying Display Birds of Prey Flying Display Rocket cars for children to build and run The real ’Herbie’ VW Beetle from the movie (Saturday only!)

Sporting Bears Dream Rides Passenger rides in cars you have always dreamt about.

Moto Gymkhana: motorcycle skill riding against the clock.

Trade and dealer stands such as jewellery, cakes, specialist wood carvings, face-painting and many more.

Saturday night: Dinner Dance (dress casual) with a very special Guest Speaker in Mr Richard Noble OBE World Land Speed Record Holder & Director of Land Speed Record Teams Public entrance tickets available from www.chelmsfordcityracecource.com If you would like to show your car, please contact: sharondunsterfoundation@gmail.com For evening Dinner Dance tickets, please contact: Steve Dunster on sdtooling@tiscali.co.uk Information on charity: www.sharondunsterfoundation.com Facebook: BrakeHorse Power 2019

THE OLD MAN?

These include, but are not limited to: Demon Drome Wall of Death www.demondrome.com Rolls Royce display of cars Supercars: Lamborghini, Bentley, Porsche etc.

Car Clubs: Essex Mustangs, Essex Scooby Crew, TVR, Mini and many, many more.

Car and Motorcycle dealers: Subaru, MG, Ford, Cannon BMW, Nissan, Arbarth, Jeep, Alfa Romeo, Honda etc.

Book now for FATHER’S DAY Sunday 16th June served personally to your table for just £18.50pp!

WHY NOT TREAT

After his wife’s death, Steve found out that no-one was researching a cure for this particular form of cancer, so he got together with Sharon’s consultant, Tim Crook, and set out to raise the £88,000 to pay for a 3 year PHD research project at the Imperial College of London.

Choose from a choice of 25 starters including soup, crispy duck, spare ribs, plus a selection of 95 main dishes including prawn, beef, chicken and much, much more!

136 MOULSHAM STREET, CHELMSFORD. TEL: 01245 290099 The Edge 077 646 797 44

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Max Headroom’s

BIZARRE NEWS OH MY WORD!

The Edge’s Bizarre News team were completely flummoxed when they spotted this, this, this contraption in the car-park of The White Hart at Margaretting Tye! ‘What the hell’s that?’ we all thought.

Jeez, it’s a lump of something rather complex looking, whatever it is. We also knew immediately that it was something we didn’t understand.

LET’S BE HAVING SOME MORE KIDS READING THE EDGE PHOTO’S

Simply send to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk Page 28

But then the beauty of tut interweb is that information is just the press of a few keys away. So in we typed ‘Schwing SB 3’ and immediately ‘SPB 30’ popped up (as you can tell there’s a numeral obscured) and apparently it’s a Separate Placing Boom.

Which was exactly what we thought it might be, if we’d had to take a stab in the dark at it. Only they’re apparently something to do with high rise construction. So just what on earth would one be doing parked outside a country pub?

The mind positively boggles.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT’S CLEVER TRICK TO SILENCE CRYING BABY LEAVES PARENTS IN AWE Taking a child on their very first holiday is all very exciting, whist memories of the baby pool and building sand castles can last forever.

But before anyone gets to dip their toes in the sea, there’s something far more stressful to get through - the flight.

While some kids don’t seem at all fussed about getting on a plane, it can be a real bugger for others and parents can sometimes spend the majority of their flight time trying to settle down little ones while doing their best to ignore the annoyed looks from other passengers.

Seemingly there are numerous tips and tricks out there, but one particular flight attendant seems to have it nailed.

During a flight from Orlando to Pittsburgh, a mum was trying in vain to get her one-year-old daughter to stop crying.

A passenger said, “Your heart went out to the mom as she looked just so, so stressed at the disruption her child was causing to other passengers.

“Only then a flight attendant asked her to step to the back of the plane with her child, and you could tell she thought she was going to get ticked off.

“But most unexpectedly, she started blowing bubbles for the little girl, until she finally stopped crying.”

There. Why didn’t we think Make sure you pack some bubbles of that? After all, they’ve with you next time you catch been a comfort to West a flight with little ones!

Ham fans for decades.

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MOTCO

Man on the Clapham Omnibus

THERE’S NOTHING WORSE THAN...

A well used phrase from history will tell you that there is nothing worse than a convert. These come in all shapes and sizes and are amongst us at all times in all walks of life.

There is the religious convert, quite often a ‘wrong un’ who finds god and redemption. If that is possible I am all for it as it benefits us all, although a cynic may well say it is an angle for a lighter sentence or an easier time in prison. Then there are those who find god and you can look at them and see an inner peace and settlement with a higher authority. Good for them, you think, and you might possibly be envious. But it is when you see a flat-nosed, hardened career felon called Crusher espousing his conversion that you go, ‘Hmmmm, that doesn’t quite seem to work’.

Of course, conversion is not always about religion. Choose a subject and there will be a convert. There was the whole Apple electrical products a few years back. One would often get trapped by Apple bores at functions. On and on they went, telling you that the world was now Apple and how they had dumped all of their vinyl records as they were now all on their iPlayer that could play on their Apple TV, pay their bills, store all their photos etc. (zzzzzzz). In fact, their whole life was now in their pocket. Naturally this carries on for another five hours. In the meantime, some non-converted git has stolen their iPhone and is currently downloading all of their personal information in readiness for a spree of felony and wrongdoing.

We all have the bicycle of good intentions in the shed, sitting alongside the treadmill of destiny and the rowing machine of aspiration. The bike is there for the odd bursts of use and an amble about whenever the mood takes us. But not anymore. The whole bike thing has been hijacked by converts. Yes, it would be great for our health and the environment if we all cycled more, that is undeniable. Thing is, I was already quite happily doing that in my jeans, or occasionally I’d maybe even slip on a track-suit. But enter the convert and the whole enthusiasm explosion that grips these sentient beings takes hold, although hardly gripping as tightly around the sentients as their new lycra shorts are. Out goes the Halfords hundred quid special bike and in comes the carbon fibre super lite frame on wheels, made of sodding moulded space dust. Then, of course, whilst the convert is espousing the benefits of cycling to work and sweating all over your bacon sandwich, they are dressed as a multicoloured chipolata with unfortunate bulges. ‘Yes mate, I’ve just enjoyed forty min-

utes snoozing on Abbot & Costello not Greater Anglia, instead of gulping down a load of unleaded and avoided being steamrollered by a white van.

Of course, the worst convert of all is the diet convert. Yes, the slimmer, the successful slimmer, or the work in progress slimmer. Little to choose in the irritation stakes between them, but well done anyway. Most look great and so much better for it.

And yes, I know this is a case of pot/kettle/black, but I am doing the writing here. Meanwhile, the slimmer convert will provide a running commentary of everything you touch. ‘Oooh, do you know there are 5000 calories in that bar of lard? A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

And there’s 200 calories in just that square of chocolate, blah, blah.’ And so it goes on. The convert expends about as many calories evangelising as they actually save by not eating whilst their low calorie cakehole is spouting forth.

Since my son abandoned me to a house full of women, I am never more than 48 hours away from a whole new diet regime. The problem is that whatever is now bad to eat, as opposed to it being good for you yesterday, is left for me to feast on and help clear the backlog. Sometimes I feel like the guy in the Fast Show - “This week I shall mainly be eating spangled radishes”. That’s mainly because there are two dozen bunches in the fridge and the girls have moved onto sliced parmesan rind, or something equally as mad.

Speaking in the spirit of public service, I can tell you the following. Watching TV for 30 minutes will burn 28 calories for an eleven stone person. Sitting reading a book, for the same person, burns 50 calories every 30 minutes. How many calories do you burn during sitting-writing? Answer: 46 calories per hour. Thus, I can report, as the writer of this piece, that both you as the reader, and I, have both benefited from this mutual assignment!

Yours aye,

Gravity Defying ‘Tower of Strawberries’

:,1* ,172 680 00 0 with p y pi p y Conductor Roger Lawrence On Su unday 9th June at 7pm Holy Cross Church, Felsted, CM6 3DG Tickets £15 per person Includes a programme, a glass of wine, a light buffet suppe and our gravity- GHI\LQJ ³7RZHU RI 6WUDZEHUULHV´ Tickets available from members of the FCS at the door For further information please conttact Libby Hill 01245 360655 or Tony Baker 01371 871658 / 07799 077 413191 felstedchoralsociety@gmail.com www.faceboook.com//felstedchoralsociety Charity no. 297351

Yes, the Felsted Choral Society’s ‘Swing into Summer’ rampage at 7.00pm on Sunday 9th June should appeal to an Edge reading fogey or two, wouldn’t you think? Well, young ’uns can’t stay off their phones for long enough to participate or appreciate songs sung by voices the likes of which sound like angels in heaven, can they? And hey, are they really going to snapchat their mates from a church?

Hmmmmm, so what else is happening for those of a pensionable age this month?

Honestly, The Edge hasn’t a clue. Which is precisely why it is seeking a bona fide pensioner to take the mantle of this section on and move it forward into the 21st Century. So let’s be hearing from a few of you gung ho Silver Surfers out there, if you please.

Oh and make sure you take advantage of your FREE BUS PASSES in June in order to visit the Essex seaside resorts for a paddle.

Meanwhile, there’s always the weekly coffee morning and chit-chat session at your local independent hearing aid testing centre.

And do keep off the roads during rush hour too, will you, as your driving abilities honestly aren’t as sharp as they used to be.

Anyhow, please apply to compile this section to enquiries@theedgemag.co.uk

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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SILVER SURFERS

I also pack thermal underwear in case the temperature should drop from 90 degrees to that of the Antarctic overnight. I tell myself that you never know, what with all the talk of the ice-caps melting. I pack walking shoes and then more walking shoes in case the first pair wear out. And I also pack two pairs of straighteners in case one breaks. The list goes on...

TOTALLY TRACIE TYPE 1 HOARDER How I wish I could be one of those ‘organised women’ who seem to glide through life with a glowing complexion and a tiny little handbag, whereas I fly by the seat of my pants, literally! I always have my pockets full of tissues and mints and a lip balm and change rattling around as I walk.

The Edge is genuinely looking for the right person to pen its ‘Fogey’s Corner’ section each and every month - must be retired!

EDGE

the

On the outside, my house looks all clean and sparkling and gives the impression of me being ‘in control’. But step inside, open a few cupboard doors and you’ll notice they’re all crammed full of everything for every disaster. It truly resembles the home of a lunatic.

You see, I am one of life’s worriers and with worry comes hoarding. I hoard everything in case the ‘worst case scenario’ should happen. My son is a Type-1 diabetic and he nipped in the other day to see if I had any spare glucose tablets handy as he was off to the gym. So I rooted around in my drawers and found a packet of Lucozade ones. He took one look at them and said, “How old are these”? He then proceeded to find the sell by date, which was 2012, before binning them in disgust, saying that if the Diabetes didn’t kill him, his mother would with her out of date supplies.

My wardrobes are also crammed to the hilt. I have to press up against the doors like Hercules in order to close them. I know the old adage: ‘If you haven’t worn it in the past year, ditch it’ - but I just cannot bring myself to do that. I just know that some of my clothes will come back into fashion again at some point. And I have over 300 pairs of shoes hidden away in every cupboard possible, which probably tells a story, but I cannot bare to part with any of them.

So going away on holiday for me is obviously a bit of a nightmare. I always buy the maximum luggage allowance possible and proceed to fill my case to the limit.

Then I have a carry on case plus a bag, while everyone else’s suitcase in my family is also crammed with all my stuff too.

Not to mention the stuff I have crammed in my pockets! I plan for every eventuality.

I always pack a black dress and a pair of black shoes in case I have to attend a funeral - not that I have ever needed to yet. Mind you, ‘Him Indoors’ is knocking on a bit these days, so you never know, do you? And I always pack a ball gown in case we should get invited to some swanky event, by the President of the country we’re visiting, or whoever. Not that we ever have yet.

Page 30

And don’t even get me started on the First Aid Kit. I swear I could perform open heart surgery on the plane that would rival any hospital. I long for them to shout, “Is there a doctor or a nurse on board?” just so I can jump up and say, “No, but I have a bag full of medicine and tablets for every conceivable eventuality, and you never know when you might need a spinal collar, do you?” Blimey, I even take a full dental kit in case I lose a filling. ‘Him Indoors’ tells me we’re only going to Spain, but I always say, “Shut up, you irresponsible fool.” You can never be too careful, can you? Having seen the film ‘The Mountain Between Us’, when neither one of them had anything useful handy to fight a Grizzly Bear with after their plane had crashed, I always feel that it’s better to err on the side of caution. And let’s not even go there as regards those who got stranded in the Andes and had to eat each other. I always pack enough snacks to last until next Spring.

Over the years, ‘Him Indoors’ has slowly come to accept my quirks and no longer goes mad, like he used to, at the amount of cases and bags I pack. These days he just takes a deep breath and hauls them all into the car, knowing that the journey will be long and arduous, having to cart my stash to its final destination. I even take family photographs with me in frames to put up in our hotel room.

I argue that I need it all. But the truth is, I hardly wear any of it. How I wish I could be one of those women who swan off effortlessly on holiday, smiling around the airport with a tiny wheelie suitcase containing a micro-capsule wardrobe. If I had to pack like that, the only capsule I’d need would be a valium to calm my state of mind. We are always that couple struggling to get from the car to the check-in desk, shouting at each other and pulling things out of one suitcase and cramming it in another. ‘Him Indoors’ will go to get some change out of his pocket to buy a coffee and finds himself pulling out my lipsticks and travel sweets which I managed to slip in before he put his trousers on.

I so admire those women who seem to have it ‘all together’ in their lives, whereas mine’s just pure chaos. Even the boot of my car is like another wardrobe. There are coats and shoes and scarves and hats and spare handbags for every eventuality that could ever go wrong on route to Sainsburys.

I am also one of those women who feels the need to clean the house from top to bottom, change the sheets and do all the washing before I go away on holiday, just in case I don't make it back. Ugh! To think of all my relatives rooting through my home and it not being spick and span.

Perish the thought.

Tracie123@aol.com

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