UP YOURS
Merry Christmas, readers.
Up Yours this Yuletide in particular.
SKID MARK
I’ll be honest with you, I have a skid mark in a pair (only the one?) of my undies that simply refuses to budge no matter how often said pair of shreddies get washed.
“Why don’t you throw them away?” Mrs Edge remonstrated with me, when the stubborn stain gained her attention after my complaining she must be using the wrong washing powder. “What? Throw them away? A perfectly decent pair of clarts, all because of a mere skid that’s these days more grey than brown?”
What on earth is she thinking, readers? Which begs the question, do ladies throw their knickers away if there’s the merest sign of a slither in them that refuses to wash out? Give it time, ladies, give it time. Or simply use them as your gardening kets.
FOXEY’S WINDOW CLEANERS
I think the boys/chaps at Foxey Window Cleaning Services deserve a mention (they do the windows up at The Lion Inn amongst many other city centre establishments) as come rain or shine, they’re always smiling. Plus Rob’s slipped me a fiver on a couple of occasions towards the ‘Save The Edge’ campaign (yes, it’s still going, readers - see page 18). So contact them on 07877 468 017 if you want your windows cleaned by a pair of proper professionals.
PLASTIC
We are all aware of the ills of plastic and what it’s doing to the environment and here at ‘Edge Towers’ it’s something I’ve become pretty anal about as, like Santa, I regularly leave out a full (ironically plastic) sack, and quite often two, containing all of our disused plastic for the ‘bin men’ to collect on a fortnightly basis. However, the other day I chose to take one full bag up to the Springfield tip/dump myself and was alarmed to be told to chuck it into the ‘Household Waste’ skip, which contained a whole assortment of rubbish, the majority of which wasn’t plastic. Yet near the entrance there was a specified bin for used plastic bottles/containers only, but not plastic in general. So could someone from our council please contact The Edge, or better still send an email, detailing exactly what happens to all of the plastic waste our ‘bin men’ collect from our homes every two weeks, as if it’s not going to be recycled, then what exactly is the point of us householders bagging it all up in the first place?
BEING HAPPY
I’m trying to be happy this Christmas. You know, talking myself into a ‘happy state’, as it were. But despite what I’ve said in this edition, it’s not easy when things are so shit, is it?
Our landline rang at 10.30am the other Saturday morning. WTF? Sometimes I wonder why we (still) even have one as it rarely ever chimes. I know it was 10.30am as I was just getting up after ‘a late one’ drinking wine and watching a brilliant documentary about Crystal Palace Football Club called ‘When Eagles Dare’. Which is the great thing about not supporting any one club in particular, because you’re free to show an interest in any club you choose.
Anyway, it was someone for the missus. On the ’phone.
If you were wondering.
RAVNIR SINGH
Isn’t Ravnir Singh absolutely lovely, bless her?
JOY SHORTAGE
Tesco have well and truly hit the nail on the head with their Joy Shortage TV advertisements this Crimbly.
FOOD OF GODS
The other evening we had gammon, which we hadn’t had in absolutely ages (no pineapple), homemade skin-on chips, fried eggs and peas with lashings of Dijon mustard and HP Sauce and it tasted absolutely delicious. I also had one-and-a-half slices of Sainsbury’s multi-seed bread and made three ickle chip butties with it that hit-the-spot like a topless lunch date with Kelly Brook probably would (for me at any rate). It’s winter, after all, readers. This is the sort of tucker we need in our bellies.
Hearty. Warming. Filling. Stuff that makes you glow.
THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 797 44
shaun@theedgemag.co.uk
December really feels like it has snuck up on us this year. I’m not sure if it’s because we very luckily had a Mediterranean mini-break at the end of October, which was like having a very extended summer, or whether time has actually sped up. But either way, it feels as though we have been manically running around a hamster wheel, trying to feel somewhere near organised for the pending festivities.
Having three children means you really have to be on top form with your Christmas planning. Firstly, the all important letter to Santa. The hallowed choices which will lay the path for your festive organisation. The careful loaded discussions about what Santa does not bring (expensive tech and livestock) and whether he is likely to bring any of what they have included on their list. Secondly, what are you going to get from their list to go in their Santa sack (wrapped with completely different paper to anything else, obviously, and the remnants of which cannot under any circumstances be found around the house, ever….)! Thirdly, what are you going to buy them from YOU, as parents (still preferably not expensive tech or livestock….). And lastly, what are relatives getting them? Our relatives used to be happy with internet links, but over the past couple of years this has evolved to a point where they now give us cash to shop on their behalf, which is an extremely well played strategy on their part and something I am happy to oblige, of course, but still yet another thing to add into the chaotic planning mix. Along with the never ending Christmas shopping list of what we are buying for everyone else, the ‘present pressure’ can often feel somewhat overwhelming. Social media further enhances this by assailing us with endless posts of picture perfect Christmases featuring insanely big piles of presents that last for days. But is this ‘Carousel of Consumerism’ really what defines a very Merry Christmas in 2022?
When I look back on the Christmases of my childhood, I could probably only name a few particularly memorable gifts I received over the years. I distinctly remember a She-Ra figure and horse which I absolutely loved, and I also will never forget the Christmas I got a Cricket doll that I was absolutely desperate for (essentially a doll version of a Teddy Ruxpin that played cassette tapes and consumed approximately £20 worth of batteries a day). Disclaimer: I realise, of course, that this explanation will mean nothing to
millennials who will probably have to Google cassette tape). But when I really think about it, what actually embodies my warmest childhood Christmas memories is truly the essence of my mum. I had my mum with me for 37 years of my life before she sadly passed away and I spent every single one of those 37 Christmases with her and she made every single one magical. As I got older, I learned that her childhood was far from ideal and she was sadly certainly never blessed with a Merry Christmas during her formative years. But she obviously decided that life would be very different for her own children and I think that must have motivated her to make up for all those Christmases lost and ensure that every Christmas for us was so very, very special.
I remember her getting excited when she started seeing Christmas decorations in the town, how she would take me to see them, and we would always buy a couple of new decorations for our tree every year. We would always put our tree up around 1st December and always with Christmas songs playing. We would reminisce about all the treasured decorations we loved that we only saw once a year as they came out of the boxes one by one. We would always watch our favourite film, ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’, with Christmas nibbles (and as I got older, Christmas tipples). We would sit together and circle all the things we wanted to watch in the Radio Times and she would write little notes next to the things she thought I would like. She would always buy the same classic Christmas treatsMatchmakers, Brazil Nuts, Quality Street, and foil covered chocolate snowmen that hung on the tree. Everything was stashed away and wasn’t brought out until Christmas Eve, otherwise “there would be nothing left for Christmas”, even though in reality everything lasted for weeks. Mum would always insist on getting little ‘table presents’ to be opened just before we ate. She would buy for everyone else and we would buy for her. I remember her table usually had a distinct colour theme and the wrapping on her gift never matched, so it consequently stood out, quite fittingly, like ‘the jewel in the crown’. Even as I got older, our Christmas traditions continued and I couldn’t ever have imagined a Christmas without my mum. She would ring me up the very first time she heard ‘Driving Home For Christmas’ each year (usually when she was in a random card shop) and it was a bit of a standing joke that our chosen Christmas cards every year were so sentimental that we would always make each other cry.
There was nothing on earth like my mum’s Christmas dinner. I would sit and help her put crosses in the Brussels sprouts (to this day I don’t know why she did this). Her turkey was always the most succulent, and her parsnips were just the right amount of crispy. I remember sitting in the lounge on Christmas night, well fed, playing with my toys as soft lights twinkled around us, a Christmas film on the TV, feeling so content and above all, so very loved. When I look back, those are the memories that truly capture the magic and spirit of Christmas in my childhood. Quite simply; it was her.
So if you find yourself amongst the overwhelmed and struggling to keep up on the ‘Carousel of Consumerism’ this Christmas, take some time out to get off and stand still. To absorb the true magic of the season and cherish precious time spent with your loved ones. And remind yourself that in years to come, when they look back, they are far more likely to remember your presence than your presents.
Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas.
Баница и боза
I’ve recently returned from a few days furthering my exploration of the Balkan peninsular which included five days in Bulgaria, visiting Sofia and Plovdiv.
I had a grand old time at very modest expense. The cost of my flights, five nights hotel accommodation and the return travel between Sofia and Plovdiv totalled less than £190. Food and drink were typically half of UK prices and all journeys on Sofia’s metro are a flat Лв1.60 (about 73p).
Some good friends, claiming to be frequent
One morning, walking into the city centre, I stopped to buy banitsa (баница) for breakfast. Handing over my cash I was mildly offended by
insights over the two hour trip, all in perfect English. The highlight was probably the 7,000 seat Roman Theatre of Philippopolis, dating from 1st Century AD and still in use today.
Remarkably I was the only English person present on the walking tour and from memory the others, mainly youngsters, were from a diverse collection of countries including Honduras, Spain, Israel, Columbia, Mexico, Canada, China, Germany, Switzerland and Russia. They all listened intently, digesting Pavel’s explanations of complex historical and cultural matters, while asking their pertinent questions in English. I was in awe of their command of my native tongue and not for the first time I felt a little ashamed of my own linguistic ineptitude. Spanish is the only language I’ve ever made any real effort to master and still I only manage little more than an exchange of basic greetings, explain where I’m from and ordering food in a restaurant. Oh and I’m fairly practiced at ordering drinks in a bar too.
I did my best to absorb Bulgaria’s culture; not just those used to ferment the local boza, yoghurt and white cheese. Boza is an interesting beverage. It’s made by fermenting wheat or millet and apparently has proven qualities for augmenting women’s breasts.
visitors to Bulgaria, warned me to pack warm clothes. “It can be bitterly cold at this time of year,” they said. Right - that didn’t work out too well at all. How I regretted taking my big coat and having to wear it or cart it about for five sunny days with temperatures in the mid-twenties.
To my shame I didn’t fully get to grips with the Cyrillic alphabet. This caused me a fair bit of angst when trying to read the departures board at the station and menus in local restaurants.
I bloody well should have learnt it in advance - it can’t be that difficult - and I’ve previously visited Russia and Ukraine, so there’s absolutely no excuse. Sitting in a bar watching the recent Everton v Leicester City match I couldn’t even work out how Brendan Rogers (Брендън Роджърс) was lining up The Foxes for their victory at Goodison.
the vendor’s forlorn countenance and manner (perhaps this lady simply disliked Brits; sadly not unheard of these days) so I smiled and encouraged her to do the same. In very limited English she conveyed to me that she didn’t feel like smiling while the nation’s politicians were robbing her of her money. I didn’t know how to respond and only later, reading about Bulgaria’s economy and politics, was I to appreciate the reality of this malady because apparently the nation is infamous for the extent of corruption among those in high office.
This brief exchange was a stark demonstration of the frustration of the populace. Bulgarians receive the lowest average salary in the EU whilst their politicians are shamelessly on the take, stuffing their pockets, evading democratic governance, restricting media independence and abusing their authority, all at the public’s expense. Should we not be rejoicing that we, by contrast, blissfully live in the UK where politicians are justly celebrated for their integrity, competence, impeccable morals and selfless dedication to duty?
In Plovdiv - European City of Culture 2019 and reputedly Europe’s oldest continuously inhabited settlement with a history spanning 8,000 yearsI joined one of those walking tours with a multinational group of fellow visitors. The local guide, Pavel, provided informed and fascinating
I learnt about Bulgaria’s rich history spanning the Thracian, Roman, Byzantine, Ottoman empires, the alliance with the Nazis in WW2 and the communist era. I drank the local beers and red wines made from the indigenous Mavrud grape. I ate as many of the national street foods as possible, including banitsa, gevrek and the ubiquitous kebabs. I also made the effort to chat with as many locals as I could.
From one such conversation, with a barman working in his mate’s craft beer shop, I learned about the scale of Bulgaria’s growing service industry/business support sector. He had studied Scandinavian languages for his degree and had been employed by travel companies and some crypto currencies providing support to their Danish client base.
You’ll know by now that I like to indulge a few of my anorakisms, so I was delighted to observe some 18th Century Bulgarian Revival architecture in Plovdiv’s old town where I scaled the highest of the city’s seven hills, Dzhendem Tepe, and rode on Sofia’s clean, shiny new and efficient metro system.
I’ll do my best to report on a final trip of 2022 in the January 2023 issues. In the meantime, I’ll wish you all warm homes, plentiful hearty victuals and joy in the company of your loved ones over the festive season.
10.11.22 - A semi-final finish at the last World Cup and a mighty runners-up spot at Euro’20 will count for little if Gareth and his boys don’t at least progress beyond the group stages, but The Edge is not very hopeful this time around. It hasn’t been a good build-up, we have injuries, and our star striker sounds like he’s knackered already.
Squad Announced - As expected. Disappointed Ivan Toney hasn’t made it, but knowing Gareth like we’ve come to know him, he’d have probably seen the Brentford man as a gamble too far. However, what The Edge likes about Toney is that if anything ’appens to ’Arry, he’d prove to be a completely different proposition (to handle) and he’s also a player I believe would offer more assists than Callum Wilson. I doubt the World Cup would phase him (he’s that type, you can tell) and he’s one of the best penalty takers I’ve ever seen, so there was definitely an argument for taking him ahead of either Wilson or Raheem Sterling. But in a straight toss-up, man-for-man, Southgate obviously plumped for the Newcastle striker. Clearly Kyle Walker and Kalvin Phillips are both risks due to them recently being crocked for long periods, while taking Harry Maguire is simply a risk in itself. Absolutely gutted for Reece James as he is an incomparable shoe-in had he been fit. One thing’s for sure, Jack Grealish needs to start like he’s on fire and continue in that vein. I also want to see him trying to score, rather than simply being happy assisting.
15.11.22 - I’ve just watched ‘Against The Odds’, the story of Wales 64 years wait to appear in a World Cup tournament again for the first time since 1958 and there seems to be a real strong bond and togetherness about them, and there’s no doubt about it, they’re going to be very dangerous opponents. And how much do we really know about Iran? Jeez, I am not very confident about England’s chances at all at the moment and there’s less than 6 days to go.
18.11.22 - Are we going to surprise our opponents? No, I don’t think we are. Especially not tactically with Gareth in charge. Maybe we did four years ago, and two years ago. But now? I very much doubt it.
21.11.22 - What did I tell you? WHAT DID I TELL YOU? ‘Football’s Coming Home’ is what I’ve been trying to tell you!
What a relief to notch up such a settling opening group game performance and isn’t Jude Bellingham an absolutely magnificent prospect? Appreciate football can be a patient, possession-based game at the highest level these days, but I like the way Bellingham continually tries to go forward and get us going, rather than any nonsense, noncing about, side-to-side passes on the half-way line. What a goal the Dortmund player scored, and what a belter by Bukayo Saka too, who’s yet another young England prospect who’s always anxious to see some proper end product.
Yes, there were some strange decisions in the game, such as why weren’t England awarded a penalty when Harry Maguire was manhandled to the deck, yet the Brazillian referee instead chose to give Iran a ‘soft one’ right at the death.
But our boys are up and running and that’s the best you can ask for at the start of any tournament, with our next two games quickly coming in the right order (best to save Wales ’til last).
The Edge is off to the printers now, full of all the optimism that it hasn’t been filled with right up until this very moment.
These words are the final piece of the December Edge jigsaw and speaking of finals, wouldn’t it be wonderful if England could end this disastrous year by actually winning the damn thing?
I’M A CELEBRITY
I’m a bit of a closet ‘I’m a Celebrity’ fan. It’s easy watching and entertaining to see the ‘slebs’ being put through their paces on the various challenges they are set, especially when they have to eat disgusting foods as part of the eating escapades. This year the line up includes ‘stars’ such as Boy George, Mike Tindall and, quite surprisingly, Matt Hancock - who is a current serving MP.
There are obviously a few other contestants on the show, but I don’t really know who they are, although they are not short of an opinion or two. At the time of writing, we are only a few days into it, but so far we have seen a very frosty reception and an awful lot of moaning about Matt Hancock being in there at all, plenty of whinging, and quite a few tears (already). Granted he was the Health Secretary during the pandemic, but in reality, he was only doing his job and taking advice from so-called experts. Okay, so embarking upon an affair during lockdown with his aide Gina Coladangelo probably wasn’t his smartest move, but he did resign and by that stage there weren’t many people following the guidelines anyway.
So for me, the hypocrisy is sim-
ply ridiculous. You have Boy George who, not so very long ago was convicted and sent to prison for handcuffing and locking up a male escort in his house, according to press reports. So it certainly is a strange world when he is welcomed with open arms, yet an elected MP is not.
Yes, of course politics is divisive, but it is starting to overshadow a really good show. If only we had proper political journalists in this country, willing to ask challenging questions of our government officials, then we wouldn’t need that particular line of questioning to be left to a lady from Coronation Street in the middle of an Australian jungle.
Regardless of what you think about Matt Hancock or the Conservative Party, you have to respect the way he has faced his trials. Over the years, we have had our fair share of contestants not being able to complete the tasks (think Dean Gaffney/Gillian McKeith), but Matt Hancock has had a go at everything that has been thrown at him. There was one particular task where he was buried underground with 30 snakes and had to retrieve stars by putting his hands into boxes of creepy crawlies in the pitch black. Now I know some readers
would have been happy if they’d have left him there, but let’s be honest, how many of them would have taken on that challenge?
I get it, he’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but it does make the show more interesting than having a Z-list Love Island contestant in there. If you can’t stand watching him, then simply change channels. And if you don’t think he should be in there as a serving MP, then let his constituents decide that at the voting box at the next General Election.
STAY AT HOME
The Qatar World Cup is finally here after what feels like a lifetime since it was announced. To be honest I didn’t think we would ever see the day because I always suspected that someone high up in FIFA would have the backbone to stand up and realise that it’s a terrible idea. A football competition at Christmas is a ridiculous notion and for it to be hosted in a country with such an terrible track record of human rights is appalling.
Every cause seems to be supported these days, but rainbow armbands and taking the knee does not really cut it when actions speak louder than words. Don’t get me wrong, I think we’d all be a little bit gutted not to see
England in a World Cup for eight years, but I think most of us would accept us making a stand and sitting this one out.
What’s even more outrageous is left-wing commentators like Gary Lineker and Gary Neville working during the tournament. They have an opinion on a whole host of Human Rights issues except, it seems, when there is a few quids worth of work in it for them, which is when their principles appear to go out the window. I don’t think any kind of political gestures are going to change the beliefs in Qatar, but maybe it is not for the west to try to do that? But what we could do is make sure we don’t support events that are hosted there.
The Hart Family have been associated with the Alps and skiing for the past 70 years, which is no mean feat and deserves to be applauded.
Skee-tex of Battlesbridge is now firmly established as Essex’s leading skiing and snowboarding related supplier and has been run by Roy Hart and his family since 1952. It is believed to be the longest running independent ski and snowboarding outlet in the UK. All the staff are fully qualified to assist and advise customers on the most up-to-date information about outdoor clothing and all of the latest technical developments in equipment.
They also have fully trained boot fitting staff for all of your ski boot needs. Among the comprehensive range of skiwear, skis, poles, boots, bindings and accessories for children and adults, Skee-tex stock Salomon, Rossignol, Head, Atomic, Dahu, Picture, Armada and Protest, to name but a few
footwear and clothing for all bad weather conditions, offering protection from the elements for everyone, from fishermen to Arctic explorers.
They originally started life in Henrietta Street, Covent Garden, designing and manufacturing the very first ‘stretch’ ski pants in the whole of the UK, supplying customers such as Harrods, the YHA and Lillywhites. Since then, they have grown into one of the leading independent ski & snowboard outlets in the UK.
Half of Skee-tex business is manufacturing and supplying to the fishing industry, such as thermal boots, which are one of their leading products. In fact, one of their best-selling boots, the ‘original Skee-Tex boot’, has been selling for the past 45 years and is still regarded as one of the top thermal boots money can buy.
Over the years they have seen many different fads and fazes in the skiing industry, such as the advent of the package holiday for a cheaper way of reaching snow, to the internet, as well as the Covid19 pandemic. Yet throughout all of this time, Skee-Tex has continued to thrive, largely due to its outstanding service and customer relations.
The shop has one of the UK’s finest equipped workshops where the skis and snowboards are repaired and maintained by qualified experts.
Skee-tex also manufacture and supply their very own brand of
WORLD’S DIRTIEST MAN DIES
