Toerag 2019

Toerag Saturday, June 18th, 2019

Est. 2019

The Contemptible, Worthless, Parasites of the University of Tasmania WORLD PREMIRE

NO SPORT

FAKE NEWS

Page 99

NEWS IS FAKE

OLD RIVALRY

Page 13

TOGATUS STUBS TOE ON CACTUS

02 | REAL NEWS

IDITOS

REAL NEWS DELIVERED DIFFERENTLY | KNOW THE STORY, KNOW THE PURGATORY

REAL NEWS

Saturday, June 18th, 2019

RSPC A DE C R I E S

“INHUMANE” CONDITIONS

OF

U TA S

MIDCITY

AC C O M M O DAT I O N

A firestorm has erupted on social media after shocking images of a cat living happily in student accommodation prompted accusations of animal abuse online. The animal, which belonged to a student, was living in the UTAS MidCity apartments which the RSPCA found to be an unfit habitat for living creatures.

“I can’t imagine forcing a living creature into such appalling conditions,” one commenter on Facebook decried. “Those apartments aren’t designed to be lived in long-term, it’s totally unacceptable.”

Another quipped, “Why someone thought it was OK to let a cat live in a shoddily-converted hotel room, at the rates they charge no less, is beyond me.”

John Blackwell, spokesperson for RSPCA South, condemned the university for not doing more to protect creatures living in their student accommodation.

“I think the university has a lot of questions to answer about why they thought it was appropriate to let a cat live in such horrendous conditions,” he told press on Sunday. “We hope UTAS will take steps to ensure no living thing has to ever endure tenancy in those apartments ever again.”

REPORT LINKS TASSIE CRIME STATS TO CONVICT HERITAGE

CLASSIFIEDS

BUSTY BLONDE NEED $$$ Kinky student with a huge HECS debt with your name on it. Come by the Midcity Hotel rooftop. Fun times non-negotiable.

ATTENTION UNI STUDENTS Tired of living on two-minute noodles and pringles? Tough.

LOST & FOUND: VIBRATOR Vibrator found in Lazenbys Café. Appears used. Will sell to the highest bidder.

ACCIDENTALLY SHIPPED IN

NEW MODULAR HOUSING

Last week a pair of new residents of the university’s hotly anticipated new accommodation provision, The Annexe, woke up one morning to find themselves somewhere entirely different to Sandy Bay. Logan Hellier, 19 and Nelson Goodwood, 21, soon discovered that their humble abode had been mistaken for a shipping container and that they were currently in transit to Hong Kong.

“We’d been on a massive bender,” Hellier commented, “so the two of us weren’t exactly firing on all cylinders. It took me a solid week before I could stand straight without chucking everywhere.”

After an investigation carried out by police and the University Student Living team, it was discovered that this mix-up was the result of a practical joke. The person or persons responsible, who have not come forward, stuck a shipping label on the side of the boys’ unit and placed an order to have it shipped.

The new modular housing, bearing a striking resemblance to real shipping containers, was virtually indistinguishable (much to the utter dismay of university staff).

Goodwood, the older of the two, wasn’t as enthusiastic about the situation. In his final year of an Arts

degree at the university, this mishap is likely to cause a setback in his studies. While speaking to Toerag, he said “I’ve always wanted to study abroad, but this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.”

The university’s accommodation services declined to comment on the issue, though it has been reported that the two victims have been charged a premium for their rent this month in lieu of the high rates of the Hong Kong housing market.

If you or somebody you know has any information regarding this investigation, we here at Toerag strongly urge you to keep it to yourself. No one likes a snitch.

REAL NEWS | 03

Saturday, June 18th, 2019

FINE ARTS CAMPUS CLOSES:

MAKE AMERICA GREAT

AGAIN… AGAIN.

HEAD OF SCHOOL TRAMPLED IN RIOT

Page 50

CITY COUNCIL TAKES HEAT OVER

DARK MOFO

TRAFFIC LIGHTS root out the causes of the “traffic jam from hell” and find culpability.

During our coverage of the festival, Toerag gauged several people on their reactions to a stand-still Hobart.

Anne Beaumont, who was visiting from Sydney on a P&O cruise ship during Dark MOFO, said she’d never seen anything like it before.

“It was like I hadn’t left,” she told Toerag. “I felt like I was still in Sydney. It was only when I realised the CBD didn’t smell like piss that I remembered I was in Hobart.

It was crazy.”

Michael Sung, a long-time Hobartian, echoed her confusion. “It was like I’d left,” he said, “it was like I was in Sydney. It was only when I

realised that I wasn’t choking on the smell of human faeces that I was in Hobart. It was insane.”

Tourism Planning Council Chairman Tilly Green told press that the traffic lights were to help immerse visitors in the festival experience.

“Dark MOFO is dark, you know?

It’s very pagan, very moody. The gridlock in the city was our way of helping Hobartians feel the blind rage required to carry out the human sacrifices that are part of the festival experience.”

Museum of Old and New Art founder David Walsh reportedly said the traffic lights were “very funny,” and the looming State Government investigation “even funnier.”

NEWS FROM COUNTRIES THAT AREN’T TASMANIA Page 27 CLASSIFIEDS CONTINUED

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A smart woman with nice smile, who cooks chicken legs and appreciates a fucschia garden. Enjoys a talk without getting serious.

Only read lines 1, 3 and 5.

__ YOUR __

ADVERT __ HERE __

The University of Tasmania has been given a week to close its two top secret campuses in Sydney, following an extensive raid by the Australian Federal Police (AFP) on Thursday.

The campuses, in Darlinghurst and Rozelle, have been operating for a number of years, defying the university’s obligation within the Australian Constitution to remain in Tasmania.

Toerag understands the AFP was tipped off by a collection of universities within the greater Sydney area, who were reportedly “fed up” with UTAS “stealing our potential students”. Some records, obtained by Toerag, shows an alarming 42 students currently studying on the campuses.

Paramedic third year student from Darlinghurst, Adelaide Victoria, said she was shocked. “I honestly thought I was in Tasmania the whole time,” she said.

In a statement, UTAS management confirmed they were working through the demands from the AFP. “Student wellbeing is absolutely paramount, so all our Sydney students will now be relocated to our North Korean campus,” according to UTAS. An AFP spokesperson told Toerag that Tasmanians should take this incident as a lesson learnt. “We really don’t like seeing those from the small island in our major cities,” they said.

SHOP IN SYDNEY

UNI TOLD TO

SHUT UP

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW TASMANIAN

The State Government has announced a new investigation into Hobart City Council festival decorations during the Dark MOFO festival earlier this year.

A decision made by the Council’s Tourism Planning Commission to introduce “Dark MOFO themed” traffic lights caused hundreds of hours of delays across the festival period, and gridlocked traffic in the CBD area. The special traffic lights, which never switched from red, caused widespread confusion among motorists in an already busy festival period.

Delays continued even after their removal, as nearly every signalised intersection was stacked with fuming drivers who struggled to differentiate between Dark MOFO themed green lights and genuine red lights.

The investigation, announced this week by the Premier, would seek to

04 | ARTS & CULTURE

Saturday, June 18th, 2019

A MILLION PEOPLE CRY OUT IN DARKNESS: HBO SEES MASS CANCELLATIONS GAME OF THRONES FINALE PLAYS HEARTBROKEN FANS HBO juggernaut Game of Thrones has concluded its reign of the television industry, dividing its passionate fans across the globe.

After close to a decade of ruling cable television and putlocker.com, the series managed to banana-peel its seven-season streak of success by concluding in a way that somehow failed to please every individual fan.

What happened next will shock you…

When you watch the game of thrones, you win or you cry. Then, you tweet. Thousands took to Twitter to eulogize the satisfying ending of the dragon wagon they were robbed of so unfairly, letting the world know of their bitter disappointment. Some fans demonstrated restraint before taking to their touchscreens.

Journalist @Nicole_Cliff contained her reaction responsibly, throwing only the slightest of shade at showrunners David Benioff and D. B. Weiss: “This is just corny”.

Fellow tweeter @desusnice shared Cliff’s self-control in chiming in on the drama: “Y’all did this for eight years???”.

Other fans were less rational.

Hearts had been broken and the web is dark and full of terrors. Avid ‘Kacey Musgraves, Brie Larson, and Chris Evans stan’ @_itsadrianas_ expressed her disgust with the show’s conclusion (“The writers nailed it... right through the head”) but Adriana can take comfort in knowing she is not alone in her suffering as a victim of extreme disappointment. Mrs Kaplan (@ AllthingzTV) scorched the finale like a tyrant with a dragon, addressing the indisputable fact that devoted fans had become victims of big budgets and irrational writing: “Imagine waiting two years then we get a shitty season, the worst finale, water bottles and a coffee cup left on scene wow. The fans don’t deserve this type of disrespect”.

Amidst the suffering of thousands, many reactive fans seized the opportunity to reclaim their dreams of a satisfying conclusion by creating

an authentic and convincingly legitimate petition to rewrite the program’s final season. This change. org movement has spread like the plague, and thus far over 1.6 million have rallied behind their keyboards in support of this serious and extremely urgent cause.

Generously titled “Remake Game of Thrones Season 8 with competent writers,” the petition derides the “woeful incompetence” of the show’s writers, created by aspiring U.S. 2020 presidential candidate Dylan D, the fandom’s very own egg boy.

Dylan has recognised the injustice that has been forced upon millions of devoted streamers of the show across the globe.

Dylan has bravely taken a stand against this violation of unanimous satisfaction, defending the dignity of the Tolkienesque characters, setting and crafty opening title sequence he has grown to love so much.

Single handedly, Dylan has united the heartbroken, with the promise of a brighter tomorrow. “This series deserves an ending that makes sense”. Dylan has seen the need for change, and he has taken action.

Good job Dylan.

Under the direction of Dylan’s leadership, a cry for justice has been heard. 1.6 million have voiced their heartfelt anger, testing the patience of the most supportive of Facebook friends. 1.6 million have signed a petition, as legitimate as that rule the snotty-nosed kid told the class that if the teacher didn’t show after 15 minutes, you were free to call it a day and retire to the playground. 1.6 million want to change the ending of the franchise that has held the television monopoly for close to a decade and our hearts go out to them.

Meanwhile, 1.6 billion across the globe won’t quit complaining about their insufficient access to adequate housing. Insensitive as it may seem to those mourning the destruction of their medieval House of Cards, this 20 per cent of our global population should be excused for

causing a fuss, as even short-term Fox trials require reliable web access — which alarmingly seems to be a lesser priority than finding stable living arrangements.

However, many Thrones faithfuls may find it harder to dismiss the deafening pleas for action on climate change from millennial keepcuppers and cacti-collectors alike.

Over recent months, hundreds of thousands of students across the globe have skipped school on numerous occasions to demand political action against the destruction of their planet. As the noise continues to grow and businesses are socially shunned for offering plastic straws, it seems this is all getting a little out of hand.

Whilst we all adored Happy Feet as much as Joffrey’s death, these environmentalists whine as if their pot plants and polar bears are more important than the fate of a fictional family of orphans, friends and incestual foes. It’s frankly insensitive, and Dylan will not stand for it.

He has been commended by his fellow fans for challenging the inadequacy of the show’s conclusion.

He knows that when something is unfair, one should take a stand and do something about it; or change it. In this day and age, we have the power to change many things: be it our diet or appearance, choice of music or Insta bio. We can change our noses if we dislike them and can change the way we talk if we want to infiltrate the in-crowd and confuse the heck out of our friends. We can even change our beliefs at the drop of a hat, and radically decide to change our name or pursue a career in professional sleeping.

Sadly, some things in this life cannot be changed. We can’t change the past, or the fact that we need oxygen to breathe. We have little power over the changing of the seasons, and as sad as it is, we cannot change the fact that without our consent, Disney has single handedly

butchered the film industry, farting out movies like Lego sets.

Similarly, we cannot change what is not ours to change. Hypothetically: a story ends, and we’re dissatisfied with its long-hyped conclusion. A worldwide audience is left in shock.

As in the tradition of this story, the ending surprises fans; though this time they are left unimpressed. A tidal wave of complaints follows, before a revolution is led by an online activist, striving to bring justice to the victims of this lengthy prank.

These victims will be sad to hear that no matter how loud they weep, one does not simply change a story if they dislike how it ends. To quote professional pessimist, the late Han Solo, ‘That’s not how the Force works’.

Please don’t interpret this as stamping out the flame of this entirely admirable movement. We stand with the countless mourning fans who deserved better and remind them whilst they cannot change their idealistic expectations and subsequent disappointment, they have the power to create change and petitions against many other things. Global warming. Global poverty. Rising levels of global poverty caused by global warming.

However, we appreciate the pain and suffering experienced across the streaming community and recognise the need for time to heal. We’ll get started on these other secondary issues. Of course, the planet can wait, and the refugee crisis isn’t heading anywhere in a hurry either.

Take the space you need to come to terms with your loss of hope and time. And when you’re feeling strong enough to face the world again, we’ll be waiting. In the words of Sia, goddess of diction: “Some people have real problems”. And who knows this better than the 1.6 million?

Rest in peace Game of Thrones seasons one to seven. Thank you for your time.

SOCIETY | 05

Saturday, June 18th, 2019

DISGRUNTLED DEMOLITIONS EMPLOYEE

TELLS ALL IN EXPLOSIVE EXPOSÉ

STUDY REVEALS PEOPLE ARE STUPIDER

THAN YOU THINK: FIND OUT WHY ON MyLO

NOT

HOW TO DIE

WH EN C O M MU T ING BY BI KE Thanks to bad traffic, little to no parking spaces and the looming threat of climate change, driving in Hobart is fucked. And the public transport? It’s about as reliable as the Hobart housing market.

Clearly, the only solution for clean and effective transport whilst commuting is cycling (because walking takes too long and running is for psychopaths).

However, I understand that cycling is also rather dangerous – particularly in Hobart. The only bike path is up towards Queens Domain, there’s cars everywhere and everyone drives like an idiot during peak hour (not to mention regular hours too). What can you do to avoid dying on your way to whatever it is you do? Follow these tips and you are almost guaranteed to decrease your chances of death by some amount.

Dress for the Occasion Picture this: Head to toe fluoro in the most obnoxious colours possible, a helmet that covers your entire head and a lycra body suit that hugs your body in all the wrong places.

This is the ideal biker body – you may not like it, but this is what perfection looks like. The first step to riding safely in this fair city is to be seen. If you’re seen, then you increase your chances of not getting run over by at least 10 per cent (don’t quote me on that). It also helps your next of kin with insurance claims if you do die, because clearly the idiot who ran you down must have been looking away from the road if they didn’t see your perfectly moulded ass.

The second (and perhaps the most important) element of biker attire is to protect that noggin of yours.

Without it, you’d be dead already.

Every bike needs a bell. I’m 99% sure it’s a legal requirement here in Tasmania. This is to alert people of your presence. Ring it regularly to remind everyone you’re still alive. Fact: Only living people can ring bicycle bells.

When it gets dark, you’re gonna need lights. Not for a rave, (though a bike rave could be fun), but again to alert every one of your presence.

Sometimes fluoro bodysuits aren’t enough, so it’s best to be prepared.

Again, this is a legal thing too.

Bikes Don’t Own the Road, They are the Road The moment you kick your leg over the seat of that bike, you become the driver of a vehicle. Just like cars, you must obey traffic laws and give way to pedestrians (I’ve never heard

BLACKMARKET TEXTBOOK SALE

IN LIBRARY GOES WILD

of a hit and run incident involving a cyclist mowing down a pedestrian, but there’s a first time for everything.

I’m sure it’s happened in Florida).

The moment you step off the bike, you’re a pedestrian again – much like if you step out of a car. Sure, your bike may not weigh a tonne or have the force to crush the bones of full grown adults into the asphalt below, but that’s just the way it is.

If you see a stop sign, stop. If you come to a roundabout, give way to the right. Don’t text and ride and don’t ride under the influence.

If some punk on a trike pulls up next to you at a red light and starts making revving noises with their mouth, do not engage in a drag race with them. That’s illegal.

This is just a start. Hopefully it’s enough to keep you from dying on the road, and if it’s not then don’t come crying to me. I tried to warn you. Ride safe.

CAPITALISM BAD

Zac Efron’s portrayal of Ted Bundy left a deeper imprint than a man taking a bite out of a sorority girl’s ass. Bundy’s legacy simply cannot be only that of a murderer or psychopath — instead the man should be immortalised by an actor known only as a sex symbol.

The Ted Bundy Tapes documentary featured never-before-seen interviews with America’s favourite charming necrophiliac and because the 30 women Bundy confessed to killing couldn’t make an appearance — the newest film focuses on scenes of a naked Efron to fuel the latent obsession with this complicated man.

Much like how Bundy continued to violate his victims’ lifeless bodies long after they died, the depictions of Bundy’s life continue to be beaten with glee — but according to Netflix, the real serial killer story was the man’s physical appearance.

The film’s director said it was time to put Bundy’s crimes that have been done to death “on the back burner” and instead focus on his “fascinating sex life” with the only two women who consented to intercourse with him.

More important than Bundy’s kinky fetish for raping decapitated heads and rotting corpses, is the alleged passionate sex scene where Bundy fathered a child while incarcerated with no conjugal visitation privileges. Because no woman has ever lied about paternity.

Bundy told Detective Keppel he would “never talk about” certain victims, such as the eight year old girl who mysteriously vanished from a neighbourhood on his paper route. Truth be told, the two gripping tales of Bundy escaping from prison make for far sexier scenes in a film.

The film director said, “It was important to highlight Bundy’s humanity among the violence and that was found in Efron’s blue eyes.” Why allow one man’s propensity for great violence cause paralysing fear when Efron’s bare butt and chiseled abs can violate women instead?

According to the film’s writing team, romanticising a criminal on screen is forgivable when enough time has passed since the crimes were committed.

After all, the women are long gone — their remains lay peacefully in the Colorado mountains alongside their murderer’s.

It is an unavoidable cost of telling the story of crime — Jordan Belfort is synonymous with the sex appeal of Leonardo DiCaprio rather than the 110 million dollars he stole from innocent Americans.

Just remember kids — you might pay the price for your sins by the electric chair, but if you’re really lucky, someone will capitalise on the bodies of all the women you tortured to satisfy the cult of serial killer fangirls, ensuring the humanity of the situation is salvaged.

AND HOT

NECROPHILIAC

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AN EXTREMELY WICKED,

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HANDSOME _________ _________

MILLENNIALS ARE GROWING HORNS TO SMASH HIPSTER FRUIT Page 2000

All the Bells and Lights

06 | URANUS TASMANIA T H E TA L K O F

Saturday, June 18th, 2019

THE TALK OF

TASMANIA

URANUS

UTAS WHOLE STATE

LOD G E S BID TO BUY

UTAS has lodged a bid of an undisclosed amount to purchase the entire state of Tasmania. The revelation comes after the university took over the state’s three main population centres, turning all of Launnie, Burnie and Hobart into their so-called ‘univer-cities’.

Toerag has come into possession of development applications that show the west coast wilderness

area has been earmarked for brand new business facilities.

The application clarifies “It is an essential part of the state that needs corruption cooperation.”

It has also been revealed that students from outside Tasmania will be segregated from local students, however it is unclear which side of the state will house which group.

UNI PLANNED ‘TOWN-CENTRIC’ MODEL In discussions around moving the Sandy Bay campus, UTAS considered a ‘town-centric’ model, in addition to the ‘city-centric’ idea. In recordings leaked to Toerag, upper management can be heard considering moving courses and facilities to the town of Huonville, just south of Hobart.

In the recordings, UTAS Director of Ideas, Ryan Day said it could be a good public relations exercise for the university.

“You know how Four Corners exposed our ‘cash cows’? Well… why don’t we literally buy cows and put them around the Huonville campus and say “look at these free range cows (that may or may not be making us some cash),” Day suggested to other members of UTAS management in the recording. It is understood that the concept was voted down four to three by the University Council.

SUPER-DEGREE ____ ____ TO BE OFFERED

Have you always wanted to study something different? Not sure if you can get a job after you graduate? It looks like UTAS may have the course for you! Each of the university’s colleges, faculties and degrees will be merged together to create one ‘super degree’, lasting for a minimum of 25 years.

Prospective student Sam Sung said he thought there could be various benefits to the extended course.

“How good are super degrees! I couldn’t think of anything better than studying for 25 years straight! I would gain so much knowledge and I’d never even have to pay back my HECS debt,” he said.

MISSING TEACHER FOUND _ YOU WON’T BELIEVE _

WHERE FORECAST

TOGATUS GIVES

MEDIA PLAGIARISES

W R I T E R

WITHOUT REALISING

PRO-PAEDO

A RAISE

SATIRICAL PAPER “It’s not our fault, we thought it was real,” says publisher.

HOBART: Morning heavy rain, becoming windy, then clear skies… acid hail.

AVOCA-NO Togatus is under fire for publishing more avocados than one can stomach.

The magazine has been continuously operating in this manner throughout its fairly dull recent history.

Hundreds of very angry students gathered outside the TUU building in Sandy Bay to vehemently protest against their SSAF fees paying for “absolute shit”, according to one placard.

“I have better things to spend my money on, like REAL avocados, which can actually be useful,” engineering student Wayne Lane said. “Yeah, that’s why we are throwing them at the Tog-shit office,” said arts student Jess Peach.

Bigger Chief Editor of Togatus, Joenald Brump, said he will continue in his role, despite calls from outside for him to resign.

“Shit happens,” he just shouted from the Togatus office window.

At least five protestors were arrested by UTAS private security.

Contact URANUS: Fax Machine: +0 118-999-8819 Pigeon: Preferably Yellow Verbal Communication: 195dB

WE EXIST

TOO!

Some students at UTAS campuses in Launceston and Burnie say they feel left behind, in an in-depth interview with Toerag.

“We don’t appreciate the focus that is always placed on Hobart! We want to see more—,” said student, Claire Williams before our interview cut out.

If you know more about this story, please email us at idgaf@toerag.com.au

T H E TA L K O F

Saturday, June 18th, 2019

TASMANIA

URANUS | 07

UNFOLDING NOW! HOBART STUDENT HOUSING

COMPLEXES EVACUATED

NEW ASS RUB Today, UTAS administration released their new Global Assessment Rubric to Toerag.

It included the following statement to their investors clarifying further details.

A major evacuation is underway in the centre of Hobart, with hundreds of UTAS students streaming out onto the city’s streets as simultaneous fire alarms have been activated.

It is understood the Hobart Apartments, Midcity, Theatre Royal and Fountainside complexes have all been evacuated, with various reports of ignitions at each location.

Fire brigades in Hobart are “stretched to the limit”, according to the state’s Fire Chief, with reinforcements from Launceston called in to deal with the influx of alarms at UTAS buildings, intensified by the fact more UTAS facilities are now in the city.

At the Hobart Apartments, hundreds of students had to be evacuated just after 8:00pm.

Student fire warden Robert Lewis said he had heard the issue started in a room on level 4.

“Currently, we have hundreds of old, archaic rubrics that are simply outdated in today’s ecosystem. Following October (just before exams) rubrics will be simplified globally across all subjects and disciplines. This system unification allows consumers to easily remember their rubric’s contents and allows our marking algorithms to operate at peak efficiently.

Additionally, all comments will be discontinued.”

Seen below is the improved Global Assessment Rubric: HD Successfully identified and greatly appealed to the specific biases of your unadulterated superiors, all the while sacrificing every last drop of your integrity and self-respect in order to produce derivative formulaic and horrible garbage that while you might dislike with a passion, still turned in like the complete hack in denial you truly are.

“Over our fire warden walkie talkies they said they could see smoke coming from someone’s convection oven,” he said.

“It is absolute mayhem here!

This is the third time we’ve been evacuated this week.”

Level 4 resident Red Lucivan said he was concerned about the proximity of the smoke to his room.

“I was microwaving a sausage roll, god I hope it hasn’t burnt,” he said.

Just down the street at Midcity, a similar situation of chaos is unfolding. Dozens of students have gathered at the evacuation point, including Shellie Steel.

“We aren’t technically allowed to cook in our rooms here, but the food we pay for is actual garbage. It doesn’t surprise me the alarm has gone off again,” she said.

“Normally when I cook for myself I love to whip up so delicate two minute noodles. I’ve also got a

toaster, so I am a pretty big fan of toast as well.”

On the opposite side of the city at Fountainside, fire coordinator Luke Raince from the Rocherlea Fire Brigade said a sprinkler on the top level had been activated.

“This is literally a fluid situation and we are asking people to stay away,” he said.

Toerag understands the Prime Minister is on his way to Hobart to meet with affected residents. UTAS counselling services are available for those who have been impacted.

This is Bonnie Movilla, Fire Alarm Correspondent and Arson Fanatic reporting live on the scene for Toerag News Live. Burn baby, burn.

LIVE

DD

CR

PP

NN

Enjoy this rotting black stain on your educational career, you earned it. Now you may torture yourself with the fact that you were, like always, only a singlular wretched mark or two from recieving that eleusive high distinction.

Please, as if. This isn’t even remotely worth mentioning at all. Nobody ever brings up getting a credit. I mean, what do you want, a freaking medal? Get outtta here.

Congratulations, you are an adequate person who is nice and/or pleasant.

Subject partially displays the application of brain thinking in between one and no situations, writes words somewhat and has satisfactorily passed this course with reasonably grey-ish colours, but not too grey-ish.

Demonstrated insightful expertise in your area of study, presented well documented, developed and refined work and quite clearly displays an exceptional level of effort.

Shows organisation skills, delivers engaging content and diverse references.

We hereby recognise and present you our highest commendation, the grand fail. NN spells failure.

Now fail the fuck off.

BURNIE: No weather data available.

Due Date: Current Date minus 24 Hours Project Weighting: 300kg of Bricks

LAUNCESTON: Light drizzle, then floods and wild lions.

Further Details: 22-29

08 | LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Saturday, June 18th, 2019

LETTARS TO THE EDITUR* TAKE MY BREADTH AWAY Dear Editor, Fermented Food and Drink?

Natural Hazards and Disasters?

The Art of Persuasion?

Energy?

That incessant voice in the back of your mind while completing your studies and piggybacks on the whole of your university career.

Not only does it whinge and pester to be completed but most of the time contains such little value, you have to question the money that you fork out for it.

You guessed it, breadth units.

UTAS’ compulsory introduction of these units over four years ago caused a stir then and are still making ripples in the decisions for student study plans.

And while their initial aim was to address “fascinating challenges” as “a signal of our commitment to your future,” what benefit is Energy to my degree? Will I find some mindaltering knowledge that will answer the existential questions of the universe and launch me forward in my career path? Probably not.

Yet, students still need to complete these units like their life depends on it, with similar course workloads to that of your core areas of study in your degree. And with a hefty price tag for each one, what’s not to love?

This competition for valuable time, patience and attention places breadth units as the petulant middle child of university units: not really helpful for your area of study, but you can tick off much-needed points for your degree.

From personal experience with the units, the process of enrolling is choosing the best unit out of a rotten bunch. Should a student’s experience during their study be picking the best of the worst? If you’re paying to study and follow your passion at UTAS in four year-long degree, you should have the option to pick units that you want to study rather than a course on The Art of Persuasion.

While certain areas of study like the sciences and medicine have significantly more options that add substance to their degree, areas like the Arts and Law are left with the open-ended units that make you question… is this even worth the HECS debt?

While these units are marketed as giving the student employable skills

for outside of university, wouldn’t it be more worthwhile implementing units to improve degree-specific employability? Wouldn’t common sense say that law, medicine, earth sciences, business and teaching have different skills and areas to focus on in employment that can’t be catered to in a single unit?

Maybe reality itself no longer provides the critical real-world skills people need, and we’re all living in a strange Black Mirror-style universe where people have tolearn to be human.

The thought is frightening indeed, but not as much as spending fifteen weeks studying a unit titled Music, Mind and Body.

students at a community-run farmer’s market. Or if back pain and the artsy Parisian look isn’t your thing, maybe the opportunity for free gondola rides in a new and transformed Hobart with canals system much like the beautiful cities of Amsterdam and Venice. A new breed of 21st century student transport for the exceedingly backwards Hobart.

And of course, if money is tight, you can always join the caravans of people travelling hail, rain or shine, trying to get from their student accommodation in various locations around Hobart to the other school campuses split up over Hobart. You can even save on a gym membership by walking everywhere! Another win for the students!

What a difference this move will make for the current and future student body! A cramped little campus in Sandy Bay with only poky spaces for each of the schools in the University’s faculty is no longer. Now, the University of Tasmania will consist of a vast spread of buildings, accommodation and student facilities across a whole CBD — transforming Hobart into a university city, when it was once merely the state’s capital.

Of course, this move will also create stronger ties between students, university faculty and the greater Hobart community. UTAS will single handedly change the very DNA of what Hobart is, and because of this, the community will owe a lot to the university. The great strain on public services like transport, housing and public health are sure to be alleviated by the migration of thousands of students into a cosy space like Hobart.

As they say, great minds think alike — which is why the University is so courageously ignoring the National Tertiary Education Union that represents UTAS staff and lecturers, and their clear preference to remain at the current Sandy Bay campus. Nor is the estimated cost of six hundred million dollars and a construction period of 10 to 15 years enough to deter our benevolent University — because, at UTAS, we’re dreamers at heart.

Can’t it be enough to just have a dream? A dream of a new and improved Hobart where everyone co-inhabits in harmony in a citycentric scape? A quintessentially European dream; one so much more exciting than the mundanities and tedium of reality.

I say, let poor Rufus dream!

— A concerned student

CITY-CENTRIC Dear Editor,

4

S C A N DA L O U S _ T RUE HISTORY OF _

TOGATUS Togatus was originally called Superheat, but it was deemed ‘faintly erotic’ and ‘unnecessarily cataclysmic’.

Rival magazine, Platypus became defunct as it lost readership to Togatus.

Togatus was embroiled in a BLOODY fight to the death with wannabe magazine, Cactus, aided by the upstart publication, Anti-Cactus.

Toerag denounces Togatus and its history of being lame.

*Editor supended. All letters henceforth will be disposed.

The confirmation given by ViceChancellor Professor Rufus Black that the Sandy Bay campus will move into the city couldn’t be better news for the university.

Aiming for a more cohesive school with a clear heart in the cosy city of Hobart is a noble goal, and the ten years of development to get students there is bound to give us enough time to move closer together and build stronger bonds as a cohort.

Firstly, the struggle for most students to make it to school on time with the flow of late buses and bumper-to-bumper traffic is sure to result in some carpooling.

Being a burden to the city’s already congested roads and highways isn’t a problem because we’re making a strong move for the environment by saving on toxic fumes in our polluted atmosphere by sharing one car. What better way to get a taste for the real world also and develop skills in paying for your share of bills in the sky-high price for petrol! Hobart traffic woes, you say? No longer!

Maybe this will be an opportunity to adopt a more European way of travel? Students can cycle with artisan baguettes and produce in their baskets to share with fellow

— The same concerned student