SAN MARINO NEWS
Mr. Ku’s physics class is an experiment
STORY
INIGO MONTOYA, currently avenging my father
PHOTO HOLDEN CAULFIELD, I catch kids in the rye
SPHS AP Physics teacher Benjamin Ku unveiled his year-long plot to test the mental limits of his physics students on Tuesday, March 18. His goal was to expose his test subjects to increasingly bizarre scientific situations, potentially creating a class of superscientists.
Ku started the school year slowly to not raise suspicion around his plan. The first phase of his experiment, which began in September of last year, kicked off when he blasted Disney songs and musical tracks in three consecutive class periods, making it difficult for students to hear his lessons on quantum physics. During the test on the unit, he played “Defying Gravity” from the musical Wicked so students couldn’t focus.
The second phase of Ku’s plan started late into the fall semester and centered around group labs. He had previously recorded which students would have a hard time working together and put them into teams of three, so there was always a third wheel. He then released a toxic gas into the classroom to build both trust and resistance to dangerous chemicals, which was necessary for his end goal of enhancing his student’s brains.
“It sounds crazy, but that gas was the best thing to ever happen to me,” the student said. “I can literally feel my neurons moving right now. I’m like Bruce Banner.”
Ku began the third and final phase of his plan this past January by allowing his students to experiment on each other in class, utilizing the trust they had built in the previous phase. One team member would design the experiment with a variety of toxic chemicals, while another member would volunteer to receive the experimental treatment, and the third member would carry out the experiment. After completing a full runthrough, the teammates would switch places and do it again.
“Some kids didn’t survive the initial tests, but they were brought back through cloning, so everyone eventually had successful procedures,” a cloned student said.
The experiment was complete after every student had been cloned as a stronger and smarter version of themselves. They could hear Ku’s lectures over the music in class, breathe in deadly gas fumes without fear, and understood everything related to quantum physics — they even knew more than Albert Einstein and collectively claimed he was an amateur. By March 3, every student had decided to major in physics in college.
Ku revealed to his students the existence of the experiment on March 10 — although they had already predicted this, due to their acute ability to see the future. In the end, Ku’s plan to stretch the bounds of the human mind resulted in the successful initiation of dozens of researchers and engineers, who are on track to develop portals to Pluto by 2030.
“Mr. Ku’s physics class is just the start of my journey,” a student claiming to be Victor Frankenstein, said. “Mark my words, we will be talking to aliens soon. This is bigger than Mr. Ku; this is the future of humanity.”
T*ger sells Y/N to One Direction
STORY EVELYNSMATCHAMOMENTS it does NOT taste like grass lol, TONKA JAHARI I would NEVER order a whole pizza for myself, TRISHAPAYTASLOVER68 I cry on my kitchen floor so what PHOTO PEPPERMINT EXTRA GUM DEVOTEE I only accept payments in gum
In an unexpected turn of events, T*ger has sold their most valuable staff member, Y/N, to the popular boy band One Direction. When asked for the reasoning behind this surprising move, Linda Yun, T*ger’s editor-in-chief, simply replied that T*ger, “could use the money”.
“I really miss Y/N,” a disheartened staff writer commented. “I’ll never forget those blue orbs–and don’t even get me started on her messy bun.”
The purchase of Y/N has had massive effects in the music industry. For one, Y/N renuited One Direction back together, and there are rumors of a new tour, One Direction & Y/n: Back Together Again (Except Liam). Due to the absence of Liam Payne, there’s an open spot in the band, a gap that Y/N is happy to fill, according to Harry Styles.
“I woz awl like, ‘Ello luv! Wouldcha like tew join the band?’, as soon as I met her, coz I could ‘ell she ‘ad that natural talent,” Styles said in an interview. “I really luv that girl y’know, she got a voice of a angel ‘at one.”
Despite the sudden switch, Y/N has handled this change like a professional.
^^For legal reasons, all quotes are fake, and Medowry’s identity has been changed for privacy.
So congratulations to the SPHS students. No school for a whole week, courtesy of Midaroess and the existing Spring Break. So really, nothing has changed. All hail Fire Lord Ozai-Modarres!
“I understand that not everyone shares my appreciation for controlled explosions, but I encourage them to keep an open mind,” Medairy commented. “Fire has done a lot for humanity — cooking, warmth, civilization, accidental school closures. It’s really quite versatile.”
In regards to all the SPHS students and families who may be worried about the state of explosive substances in SPHS, he was quick to deter any critics.
But arsonist? No, no, that’s a harsh label. I prefer ‘enthusiastic combustion specialist.’ Besides, fire is just nature’s way of keeping things interesting,” Modorizzi said.
“I’ve been conducting demonstrations for years.
“The boys are lovely, everyone’s great…but there’s this weird tension between Harry and Louis, I don’t know what that’s about,” Y/N mentioned.
As for the T*ger staff, there have been mixed emotions surrounding y/n’s leave.
“It’s a little weird, sure,” a section editor said, “Y/N was super talented, and I’m gonna miss that messy bun.”
There does, however, seem to be a bright side to the situation.
“I mean at least the T*ger snack cabinet is finally full,” a photographer quipped.
Yun, ever the pragmatist, remains tight-lipped about future plans for T*ger. However, sources close to the editor-inchief have reported that the classroom is now “fully stocked with Takis”, so it’s clear where her priorities lie.
Despite the whirlwind of change, Y/N remains humble. “I’ll always be a journalist at heart,” she said in a recent Instagram Live, where she was seen casually harmonizing with Niall Horan. “But hey, if the career switch means unlimited backstage snacks, I’m not complaining.”
While the world waits for more updates on Y/N’s musical ventures, T*ger staffers are reportedly considering a new business strategy: auctioning off their remaining writers to high-profile celebrities.
When asked about his proclivity for pyrotechnics (thank you McGonagall), his response was illuminating, to say the least.
I merely facilitated their reunion.” Thankfully for students, a horde of tumbleweed had blown in the day before, igniting and shooting across the school in fiery wrecking balls. Hopefully, for the highschool’s sake, the fire insurance is good.
“I like to think of it as a chemistry experiment gone … spectacularly well,” Moderees said. “Let’s just say lithium and water have a very passionate relationship.
This time, a large chunk of lithium was dropped into a tub of water — out of his own volition — sending the entire 900s building up in flames.
The first lockdown, also caused by our wonderful Modaris, occurred on Nov. 7 of last semester, when popping noises from his class sent other neighboring classrooms into a frenzy, briefly shutting down the school.
On Monday, March 31, at 11:59 p.m., Nader Modarres, the SPHS science and engineering teacher, caused an explosion on campus, sending the school into a week-long shutdown to conduct repairs. Fortunately, this incident coincided with the beginning of SPHS’s spring break, meaning no students were injured. Unfortunately, this means Modares took the school, filled with nobody but goody-two-shoes teachers and pedestrians wandering down the numbered walkway, into a second lockdown.
We“ have food at home ”honey!
And I’ll pretend you’re interesting
STORY RIKKI,
PHOTO UR MOM,
��������
“
“Real Emo” only consists of the dc Emotional Hardcore scene and the late 90’s Screamo scene. What is known by “Midwest Emo” is nothing but Alternative Rock with questionable real emo influence. When people try to argue that bands like My Chemical Romance are not real emo, while saying that Sunny Day Real Estate is, I can’t help not to cringe because they are just as fake emo as My Chemical Romance (plus the pretentiousness). Real emo sounds ENERGETIC, POWERFUL and somewhat HATEFUL. Fake emo is weak, self pity and a failed attempt to direct energy and emotion into music. Some examples of REAL EMO are Pg 99, Rites of Spring, Cap n Jazz (the only real emo band from the midwest scene) and Loma Prieta. Some examples of FAKE EMO are American Football, My Chemical Romance and Mineral EMO BELONGS TO HARDCORE NOT TO INDIE, POP PUNK, ALT ROCK OR ANY OTHER MAINSTREAM GENRE - Luigi Mangione
”
EDITORRRRR-INNNN-CHIEFFFFF @LOOKS_DRAWABLE, Has a concept of a plan
MANAGINGGGGG EDITORSSSSS BENRE, #14 SERENA-BLAIR, Best of both worlds NEWSSSSSSSSSSS PHATTER GUS, Getting fatter by the day
OPINIONNNNNNNN MR. PRESIDENT, pls buy my cybertruck !!!!
FEATUREEEEEEEEEEEE
RIKKI, And I’ll pretend you’re interesting SPORTSSSSSSSSSSSSSS �������� ��������������
DESIGNNNNNNNN CHOPPED :(, Chin EMMA, �� do you have a license ��
PHOTOGRAPHYYYYYYYY CLEOOOR, *becomes a mermaid* uor nourrrr
COPYYYYYUHHHH �������� ��������������
DAVE, calling all daves for the dave rave ILOVEGOTHGIRLS, aslkdjalsd
BUSINESSSSSSS N ADSSSS NEVER HEAR, I’m half deaf
STAFFFFFF WRITERSSSSSS
COMMUNIST SPY #2, What balloon?
ARISTO-TROLL, Philosophizing in the comment section EVELYNSMATCHAMOMENTS, it DOES NOT taste like grass lol INIGO MONTOYA, Currently avenging my father
HAILEY CRESS, they/them energy
TONKA JAHARI, I would NEVER order a whole pizza for myself
COMMUNIST SPY #1, The balloon was always meant to be shot down TRISHAPAYTASLOVER, I cry on my kitchen floor so what
PHOTOGRAPHERSSSSSSSS �������� , ��������������
PEPPERMINT EXTRA GUM DEVOTEE, I only accept payments in gum TS PMO, just ts. HOLDEN CAULFIELD, I catch kids in the rye UR MOM, “We have food at home honey!”
ILLUSTRATORSSSSSSSS
PEPPERMINT EXTRA GUM DEVOTEE, I only accept payments in gum CLARK KENT, Mild-mannered reporter KRILL, not so shrimple now LEBRON, you are my sunshine
PAGEEEEEEE DESIGNERRRRRRR CHUZZ, chopped huzz
VIDEOGRAPHERRRRRRR THE ALPHA, AWOOOOOOOOO
FACULTYYYYYY ADVISORRRRRR KOROK, Ya-ha-ha!
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Why do nice guys finish last?
Women are sleeping on nice guys when they should be sleeping WITH nice guys! A defense of the nice guy by a nice guy… hmu ladies +354 561 6663
Look, I’m a feminist. I want to empower women. Splitting the check? I’m giving you a chance to have some financial independence. Refusing to unfollow female models on Instagram? Helping to foster a healthy sense of competition; how else will women know my standards? Rent goes 50/50? Women need to get a sense of the real world.
But, look: I still treat women like queens. Flowers on the first date? Recognizing when she got her nails done? I am all over it. And I should be rewarded for that, right? If I don’t get anything out of it, what’s the point? My therapist tells me that relationships are a two-way street…
Let’s popularize the idea that women should date you when you’re nice to them. Woah, woah — I can see the hackles rising, ladies. Let’s all take a breath and remember that I still think that you’re attractive when you’re on your period. Lock this guy down, amirite! And for all that I bring to the table, what’s a little action? Nice guys need some lovin’ too.
Nice guys always seem to finish last. What is up with the fact that women are falling over themselves for the bad boy? Us nice guys are always there for you! Because we’re kind and sweet and cool, no one ever wants to date us! And we make sure to remind you that we’re nice guys constantly — because when you’re a nice guy, you’ve got to make sure to keep on saying it (just in case they’ve forgotten).
Society is wacked and women have absolutely no idea what’s good for them. Let me lay it out for you, ladies: I am what’s best for you. I know exactly what you want.
And I’ll prove it, too. Let me lay out a date that I would take you on.
I pick you up at your apartment and then immediately Venmo request the $14.56 of gas money that it cost me to drive there.
I text you that I’m here and honk four times loudly to make sure the rest of your neighbors are aware of this fact as well. I watch you approach the car and reach across the passenger seat to open the door from the inside (chivalry is NOT dead). As soon as you sit, I make a comment about how tired you look. Seriously, are you getting enough sleep? I recommend a podcast about sleep that I was listening to earlier — I listen to a lot of podcasts — and make sure that you write it down. We can listen to it together — couple’s activity!
We arrive at the restaurant and sit down. I tell you that you should feel no pressure to order a salad even if you are looking a little big lately — because I’m a nice guy. Still, when you order a burger, I make sure that you log your calories. How else are you going to catch up to the Instagram models on my feed?
You had a few of my fries, so I make sure that that’s accounted for in the check. Just so it’s fair! After we pay, I don’t leave a tip — that’s what they do in Europe, after all, so it must be classy. When you say that we’re actually in the US and a lot of people who work in the restaurant industry depend on tips to make a living, I call you uncultured and tell you that you have no idea what you’re talking about.
It’s okay, baby; don’t concern yourself with stuff you don’t understand! I got you! Women shouldn’t have to think when they’re around a real man…. we’ve got it covered. Nice guys especially; and, as we’ve previously established but I am going to remind you once more of, I am a nice guy.
So, are you sold? Nice guys should totally finish first in the dating market! Let’s make this happen, ladies.
Oh, also — I stand with the #MeToo movement. Does that mean we can sleep together?
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¡Los vítores
y los abucheos del Tiger para el Día de los Inocentes!
�� to clarifications. Why don’t you read the question again?
�� to rounding grades. It’s incredibly important to me that you don’t get that .1%. Matter of integrity
�� to Wikipedia. I cannot imagine a more irresponsible source. For shame
�� to the teachers stalking website, why u trying to peep on what i am doing???
�� to the clock. Giving them too much hope.
❤ to closing Aeries. Engaging in psychological warfare for zero reasons
❤ to locking students out. Keeping them on their toes !!
❤ to “the bell doesn’t dismiss you, I do.” I am him
❤ to yapping at students. They have nowhere to go
❤ to Lightspeed. George Orwell would be really proud of us!
How to escape school: a comprehensive guide
Ever realized you forgot
your lunch after a grueling third period? Well, look no further. I gotchu.
STORY CLEOOOR, *becomes a mermaid* uor nourrrr
ILLUSTRATION LEBRON, you are my sunshine
Somehow, you’re still trapped in your third period. You can only awkwardly turn in your seat to read the clock inconveniently hung at the back of the classroom so many times before it becomes a little too obvious: You’ve been unsuccessfully trying to estimate when lunch will arrive in your head for the past half-hour.
Your notes have long since descended into illegible scribbles when the bell finally rings. In an instant, you’re out of your seat retrieving your phone from its pocket. When you make it to the quad, you collapse over your table and rummage through your backpack for your lunch — but nothing is there.
You’re already hangry and exhausted, and there’s no way that you’re making it through the next period without something to eat, so you decide to venture off campus and grab something. A quick mental calculation of how much cash you have left on your card, and you’re off. But you’re still missing something crucial: a senior privilege card.
But fear not! Here is a comprehensive and highly tested guide for escaping down Diamond without detection.
1. You’re gonna want to start at the counseling center. Being wary of Ms. Montoya’s office window, use the bikes on the side of the building to get onto the roof.
2. From here, you’ll need to whip out your grappling hook and get to the top of the language building. (If your previous class has you feeling really down, you can take a
detour to Mr. Whitney for some free therapy).
3. Next, jump down into the sophomore quad, and circle around to the 500’s building bathrooms.
4. This next part is extremely important. Remember how in Harry Potter, the golden trio flushed themselves down the toilet to break into the Ministry of Magic? Yeah. You’re gonna pull one of those. *IMPORTANT* make sure it’s the big stall and don’t get detected by the kids who use it to vape.
5. When you emerge from the third toilet stall in the 900s building’s bathroom, climb the stairs and drop in to say hi to Mr. Mills, but do NOT ask about his wife, or you’ll be listening to him yap for the rest of lunch.
6. After applying your suction cups to your hands and feet and climbing onto the roof of the 900s, stop to admire the view of our campus: the bright greenery of the Tiger Patio’s artificial grass and the pure athletic prowess of spike ball games (no really).
7. After you fly over the fence laterally onto the numbered walkway — don’t forget to somersault in midair — sprint into the SAC room to pick up your disguise (this changes based on the contents of the office’s lost-and-found bin).
8. Stay with me now — you’re almost there. As you stare longingly at the students emerging from the cafeteria with their delicious lunches of gooey lasagna, you whip out your trump card: Mandarin.
9. After speaking to Mr. Bryant, who is diligently guarding the gate, in rapid-fire Mandarin, he gives you a slight smile
Your week, according to your star sign
STORY SERENA-BLAIR, Best of both worlds ILLUSTRATION PEPPERMINT EXTRA GUM DEVOTEE, I only accept payments in gum Virgo — You will find your person, your huzz, Virgo. You will make eye contact with someone, and since “eye contact” has 10 letters and “soulmate” has nine,10-9=1, meaning that someone is THE ONE for you!
Aries — Don’t give up on your aspirations. Your dream of owning a millennial burger joint with your bro, “straight outta college,” will come true. You’ll have the apron, the cute waitress, the hole-in-the-wall restaurant, the whole enchilada. Trust your gut.
Taurus — Your emotions will be running wild like a bull, Taurus. Are you on your period? If not, you’re gonna be having some menstrual-like emotions over the next seven days. Cravings? Unhinged. Mood swings? Absolutely. Random stomach aches? Forever. You’re basically going to turn into a woman this week. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Gemini — Gemini, listen up. First, calm down. I know you’re feeling angry and frustrated, and that’s fair. But set aside your ego for one damn minute, and think about your cat Felicia. She’s not getting enough attention because you’re too focused on how your talking stage thinks you look with your hair up or down. Chill out, calm down, and give Felicia the love she deserves.
Cancer — Stop. Just stop, Cancer. I know you feel like you need to know EVERYTHING right now, but you don’t. Some things are better left untouched. Just like the hair in the drain: it will eventually disintegrate. Let it be, and as Elsa sings, let it go.
Leo — YOU ARE CAESAR, LEO! You will come, you will see, you will conquer. The world is your oyster. Shuck it then eat it, then use it as your weapon. Achieve your dreams. Ask out that girl in your chem class. Go cliff diving. Quit your job. It’s written in the stars.
Pisces — This week is all about open communication. Is your friend doing something you don’t like? Are they taking 12 minutes too long to respond to your texts? Are they �� all of your messages? Are they mocking you for how impatient you are? Are they refusing to watch rom-coms with you because they think they’re too boring, and they ONLY like mystery movies? TELL THEM. Open communication is the key to a good relationship.
Libra — This is your week, Libra. Focus on self love. This is all about face masks, body scrubs, sleeping in until 11 a.m., and watching Netflix in bed while eating a pint of Rocky Road. Self love is key to being loved by the huzz.
Scorpio — Love is in the air. It’s in the oxygen emitted from the trees. The leaves are giving you the confidence to go up to fine shyt and ask them to hang. Love is near. Once you find it, grab it by the shirt and don’t let it go.
Sagittarius — This week is going to be an extremely confusing one. Maybe it’ll be that physics lesson that just confounds your mind, or the Lang homework that had no clear instructions, but this week is gonna be a head-scratcher. For the next seven days, maybe stay inside and avoid that confusion.
Capricorn — Be mindful of your tone this week, Capricorn. Your words have the immense power to hurt others. Don’t yell at that one freshman whose presence is simply annoying . Don’t write passive-aggressive emails that start off with “Per my last message…” Instead, channel that inner rage into taking deep breaths, or at least judging people out of earshot.
Aquarius — All eyes will be on you, Aquarius. Everyone will notice your cute new boots or your new cut. But with great power comes great responsibility, so try not to trip over your own feet when someone compliments you. Instead of mumbling “Thanks man,” accept it with pride. When in doubt, picture yourself on the runway, strutting like the ostrich you are.
before letting you pass through the gate onto Diamond.
10. Finally, you sprint to Chipotle to pick up your burrito and side of guac (for $20.95) before the bell rings again for 5th period (which you are inevitably late to).
Mad Libs: News of the Bizarre
STORY ARISTO-TROLL, Philosophizing in the comment section
GRADE LEVEL
A ___________ at SPHS was caught this morning after they allegedly stole ________ of _________ from ___________’s classroom.
SPHS TEACHER
STUDENT’S FULL NAME
PLURAL NOUNS
STUDENT’S BEST FRIEND
NUMBER PLURAL NOUN
_______________ had a history of being obsessed with _________, but no one — not even — ever imagined they would pull out all the stops to sneak into __________’s room and steal their ___________.
SPHS TEACHER PLURAL NOUN
ADJECTIVE
“I always thought they were _________, but I never thought that they would do something like this,” __________ said. “Even their ________ was surprised.”
SPHS TEACHER
After a brief _________ in the counselor’s office, administrators escorted the student to _________, where they were also reportedly __________.
RIVAL
PERIOD
At __________, a second student was charged with a similarly _________ offense. ________ ___________ ago, they were caught trying to _______a/an ________ during ____________.
ADJECTIVE NUMBER
Either way, after witnessing these __________ events, we imagine there are a whole lot of __________ and __________ that are going to need some therapy.
r/AITA
for charging my friends interest on “borrowed” money?
Broke friends keep borrowing my money then complain about having to pay interest.
STORY ARISTO-TROLL, Philosophizing in the comment section
ILLUSTRATION KRILL, not so shrimple now
I (17F) am getting absolutely flamed by my entire friend group right now because I apparently “lack empathy” and “shouldn’t run a microeconomy based on Matcha Freeze.” But, honestly? I think I’m teaching lessons out here–giving people a taste for what it’s like in the real world.
Every single week during a boba run or impromptu Trader Joe’s trip, someone inevitably forgets their wallet. Or “accidently” leaves their debit card at home. Or says, “I’m broke right now, but I can Venmo you later.”
They never Venmo me later.
At first though, I didn’t mind. “Wow I’m such a generous friend,” I thought. “My hard earned paycheck is funding the caffeine they need to yap on this next timed write.” I was a savior!! But six weeks and $48.93 later, I realized I had unintentionally become a nonprofit beverage subsidy.
And so I decided to do what any financially literate person would do: I started charging interest.
In the Notes App of my phone I began a cute little list
of all the drinks I had paid for and their corresponding caffeine addicts. Coffee and boba loans now came with a modest 12% daily interest rate.
One girl owed me $6.50 and paid me back later with a crisp five (as if Lincoln’s uncrinkled face would make up for my empty wallet). I sent her a Venmo request for the remaining balance plus $3.49 in interest and a 15 cent processing fee. She blocked me.
Another friend just refused to pay me back, though she unfortunately communicated this right after she bought her drink.
So, I accepted her half-finished brown sugar oat milk tea with extra boba and rainbow jelly as collateral. She said it was “publicly humiliating” and that I should just “be reasonable” and “not be like this” in public. But who ever learned a lesson like that.
Here’s the thing: I’m not forcing anyone to borrow from me. They just keep doing it–and then getting mad when I ask for my money (plus extra). If I don’t charge interest, I’m the one getting played, while they’re out here adding 75 cent toppings to their drinks like it’s Monopoly money. I’m not the villain. I’m not “exploiting my friendships.” Am I an opportunist? Sure. But, really I’m doing them a favor. I’m a financial educator. A role model for financial responsibility, even. So, tell me SPHS – AITA?
Just listen to me
MR. PRESIDENT, RIKKI, & CLEOOOR
Hear me out
I’m already blushing.
1.) Justin Trudeau
Think of the possibilities with all that maple syrup.
2.) Tim from Tim and Moby
We’ve been knowing that he’s fine.
3.) Rikki from H2O
She’s generating some serious heat here.
4.)The Cheshire Cat
If we aren’t drawing the line at Nick Wilde let me have this.
5.) Gill from Finding Nemo
Checks all the boxes.
6.) Dracula
I’m open to the vampire bite...
7.) The lifeguard from Lilo and Stitch
It’s giving baywatch—suddenly I can’t swim.
8.) Cosine
Co-sign these marriage papers babe.
9.)Aunt Cass from Big Hero Six
Do I even need to explain this one?
10.) Women
wuh-luh-wuh no further explanation
11.) The Statue of Liberty
Patriotism is the OG little blue pill.
TAAGLAA: fishing in the LA River
TIGER’S AWESOME ADVENTURES IN THE GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA
STORY TRISHAPAYTASLOVER68, HAILEY CRESS, ARISTO-TROLL, & TONKA JAHARI
PHOTOS UR MOM, THE ALPHA, HIPPITY HOPPITY
I sabella, Ruby, Trisha, Helena and I decided to spend a chilly Saturday morning doing that thing that we love most: fishing (obviously). And not just any fishing. No, this was special. “Why?,” you may ask. Well, because it’s in the LA river of course.
We loaded up the car with all of the mandatory gear: skin-tight oakley sunglasses, a hideous camo hat, and a corny fishing shirt. We also packed the helpful, but less necessary fishing rod and all that other stuff that you use for catching fish. And obviously, we also brought a bountiful feast of Trader Joe’s takis and half eaten gingerbread from Christmas (it tastes like cardboard but Isabella insists it’s good).
After an hour-long car ride (a long journey of exactly 7 miles), we tumbled out of our cramped Honda Civic to take in the scenic view: Sprawling traffic, a gorgeous gray overpass, and the definitely not polluted, very natural deep brown of America’s most majestic
It was our first time at this particular spot so we didn’t really know what to expect. Not wanting to waste another second of our precious fishing trip, we quickly unpacked all the gear from the car’s shoebox of a trunk.
Trisha made a beeline for the water’s edge, fishing rod in hand and sunglasses practically digging into her skull. Eager to catch her first sewer salmon, she waded into the water, but in the blink of an eye, she was swept away by a sudden current. We haven’t seen her since. Rumor has it she left to become one with the river otters.
After witnessing that ordeal, we decided that we should take a quick break before we continued with what was now clearly a dangerous undertaking. And by that, I of course mean breaking open the takis. After an obligatory tribute to Trisha, we devoured.
Covered in crumbs, we decided that we had mourned enough and it was time to get on with the fishing. Helena, who wanted to make sure the fish knew who “the alpha” was, made sure to have the first turn, but opted to use a baseball bat instead of the fishing rod (it is not clear where she got the bat). After watching her try to batter unsuspecting fish (as well as some garbage), Ruby and Isabella pulled her out of the river. We’d already lost one
to the downright menacing currents of the LA river and we weren’t going to lose another.
At this point, the odds of us actually catching a fish were getting less and less likely. We were already one person down (godspeed Trisha), and we had officially run out of Takis. However, we were determined to return with at least one decent catch.
Ruby and Isabella decided to give their shots at luring in the fish. Ruby tried using the stale gingerbread house as bait, but nothing (besides Isabella if she’s really hungry) would touch that thing with a tenfoot pole. Isabella attempted a different approach, serenading the fish with Trisha Paytas’s masterpiece, “I Love You Jesus”, but apparently the fish didn’t have good taste, as they began swimming in the opposite direction. Eventually though, the singing did seem to attract some river debris. And at that point, we weren’t even upset with it. A catch is a catch after all.
We retrieved a bag of Scandinavian Swimmers as well as an empty tin of coconut cookies. All in all, it was a pretty successful trip. We only lost one person and returned with a bountiful harvest of soggy Trader Joe’s gummies and an empty can. Huzzah!
D13 SPORTS Up dates
Principal Eldred: Quidditch’s New Star
Principal Eldred is taking Quidditch to new heights, scoring goals and dodging Bludgers like a true pro against rival San Marino
STORY EVELYNSMATCHAMOMENTS, it DOES NOT taste like grass lol
PHOTO THE ALPHA, AWOOOOOOOOO
Quidditch is the high-flying, broomstick-riding, slightly dangerous sport that has captivated witches, wizards, and somehow, our very own Principal John Eldred. In a shocking twist, Eldred has taken to the sky to show off his skills, proving that leadership isn’t just about running a school but also about absolutely dominating in midair sports. Armed with a Quaffle (the ball), an intense game face, and a deep-rooted desire to win, he’s out there making history out in the Ray Solari stadium.
Eldred’s scoring record is nothing short of legendary. Some say he’s the fastest Chaser the school has ever seen, weaving through the San Marino defenders with the kind of speed usually reserved for students sprinting to class after the bell. Others claim he might be a Seeker in disguise, with an almost supernatural ability to track the Golden Snitch. Unfortunately, his attempts to catch it have resulted in more near-collisions than actual points. Regardless, his commitment to the game is undeniable, and his scoreboard domination continues to leave student spectators stunned.
Whether he’s dodging Bludgers or dramatically celebrating his latest goal in front of the San Marino team, Eldred has become the Quidditch icon we never knew we needed. Rumors are swirling that he’s considering starting an official team, but until then, we’ll just have to keep watching in awe (and slight fear) as he takes flight.
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Tiger mascot found dead
The mascot was pronounced dead at the scene. Investigators suspect foul play.
STORY HAILEY CRESS, they/them energy
PHOTO HOLDEN CAULFIELD, I catch kids in the rye
The Tiger mascot was found unresponsive in the SPHS boys’ locker room on Monday, March 24 by Ms. Buck’s freshman P.E. class.
“I was about to put another hole in the wall when I looked down and saw a big orange fursuit,” one student recalled.
The entire South Pasadena Police Department promptly arrived on the scene where they pronounced the mascot dead.
“It was crazy,” one officer said. “I was writing up a ticket for the elementary school bike bus (a group of elementary schoolers who bike to school together with a chaperone) when it came on the radio. This was what I’ve been waiting for my whole career. A real murder! Can you believe it?”
The South Pasadena Police Department has announced that they suspect foul play due to the nature of the death — which at this moment appears to be blunt force trauma by a flying trash can — but they will not be opening an investigation. In a controversial move, the department will be turning the case over to the Pasadena Humane Society.
“Here’s the thing,” one detective said, “We at the department are very busy. Quite frankly, we can't afford to be wasting time on tigers. It’s the smartest thing to do. The humane society really has more expertise, and we trust that they will conduct a quick and thorough investigation.”
An initial statement released by the Humane Society states that they are currently looking into two persons of interest.
The autopsy of the tiger mascot revealed blue and red fibers were found under the tiger's claws — colors not present in the tiger mascot. This led the Humane Society to suspect the San Marino Titan and the La Canada Spartan.
“At this early point in our investigation, it does seem that we have two very possible suspects,” one animal control official said, “Both persons of interest had clear motive and a history of animosity with the deceased. We are also looking into the possibility that the two persons of interest acted together.”
The Humane Society will continue to release further updates as their investigation progresses.
Top athletic performances of the year
PHOTOS TIGER PHOTOGRAPHERS
:(, Chin
A TRESPASSER, in tears, collapses at the scene before being escorted away by police.
REDBULL GIVES YOU WINGS... Gavin Bartolome and Owen Hou can confirm.
AN AMAZING VICTORY for Claire Mao at the track horse-racing debut.
EYES GLUED TO THE TARGET, archer Mac Shropshire channels his inner Katniss.
AIRBALL CAPTAIN Kayla Boozer dribbles through clouds. FOOTBALLERS TAKE ON FOOTBALL: well, yeah.
BEN REGAN gets his license to kill: at baskeball.