The Parents Get Real Guide to Getting Your Kids Back

by Theresa Leggins, Ramona Randall, and Gregory Cox with Kathy Goetz Wolf

the parents'

GET REAL guide

to getting yoUr kids back Be Strong Families

Be Strong Families serves parents and those who want to work in partnership with parents to build the Protective Factors. Be Strong Families grew out of the Strengthening Families Illinois (SFI) network of parent leaders who mobilized thousands of parents working to strengthen families in their communities. We know you’re doing great work to strengthen families, and we want to recruit you! www.bestrongfamilies.com

Strengthening Families Illinois Strengthening Families Illinois is a statewide movement to embed six Protective Factors that keep families strong in systems that serve children and families, including early childhood education and child welfare. SFI provides resources, training, and networks to build families’ Protective Factors. At SFI programs, staff, and families are partnering to keep children safe and families strong. www.strengtheningfamiliesillinois.org

Introduction: Your Decision . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6 The Importance of Your Attitude . . . . . . . . . . . . 8 Some of Us Messed Up and Some of Us Didn’t . . . . . 12 Be Your Own Case Manager . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14 Do Everything They Ask You to Do . . . . . . . . . . .16 Keep Your Anger Out of It . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .19 Have a Team Attitude . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .20 Power and Authority . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .20 Support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 Visitation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .28 Relationships with Foster Parents . . . . . . . . . . .32 Child and Family Team Meeting . . . . . . . . . . . . 35 Court . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 When There Are Serious Problems . . . . . . . . . . .43 Take Heart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44 Worksheets . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .45 About the Authors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 60

CONTENTS

Foreword: Who Is This Book For? . . . . . . . . . . . 5

Foreword: Who Is This Book For? This book is written by parents who have had their children taken away by the child welfare system … and gotten them back. It is for parents who are in that same situation. The book is meant to support parents who are in one of the toughest battles of their lives–giving them the three things we wish we’d had when we were going through it: 1) a strategy / plan of attack, 2) clear information to support that strategy, and 3) emotional and spiritual support. We have designed this book so you will take it with you wherever you go! It has worksheets at the end where you can write appointments and important contact information. It has inspiring and thought-provoking messages throughout, a section of Bible verses, and space for you to write your own inspiring words that you can refer to when you’re down.

Based on our experience, we know that your victory is assured if you proceed with faith and spiritual certainty and if you do the work you need to do!

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INTRODUCTION: Your Decision Warning: The language in this guide is very direct. We’re not sugar-coating anything. We’re telling it to you straight–the way we experienced it. You and your kids are in a very serious situation. You can’t take baby steps. We are going to tell you what you need to know to make the best of it and to get your kids home. We know how you feel; we’ve been in this situation too. You’ve got to take care of yourself in this process–that’s really important. But more important is: If you want to get your kids back, it’s not all about you anymore. It’s about you, your kids, and your family. In order to get your kids back, you need to do what you need to do to get them back!

We start from the assumption that you love your children and you want them to be in a good place. You want them to be safe and you want them to be cared for. And right now, you have an important decision to make: Do you want your kids back with you? Do you want to be a parent? Are you ready to work hard to get them back? Your answer to these questions will determine what happens next in this process–and if you need to read the rest of this book!

If you love your kids but you are not ready to be a parent and take care of them, then work with the Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) to get them to a better place. There are options: they can be adopted or they can go to live permanently with a relative. Ask your caseworker what your options are. This can be the most loving thing you can do if you’re honest with yourself and you know you can’t take care of your kids.

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It is worse for your children to say you want them back when you are not ready to take care of them. It is bad for your children to say you want them with you when you really just don’t want the guilt and shame of having your kids taken away. If you are not prepared to be their mom or dad and focus on them, put their needs first; take care of them and make protecting them a priority ... then let someone else do it. This is a very difficult decision to make.

If you are thinking of making the decision to give up your parental rights, make sure it’s your decision. Don’t do it because you’re feeling coerced.

If that’s not what you want, and you’re feeling that you don’t have what you need to do the work, help is available.

This is where you need to be asking for the help you need from your caseworker, from your friends and relatives, from agencies in your community, from your lawyer. If you do want to work to get your kids back, you can do it!

You are your child’s first teacher. Your journey is part of their journey.

Be a hero. Start yesterday.

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The Importance of Your Attitude There are lots of emotions involved with this situation: you may be hurt and angry and disappointed and overwhelmed and confused and maybe even scared. You may want to scream and holler. These feelings are valid and real, and you need to express them in a safe place and deal with them.

Many people may not think these feelings are valid and important. They are. And part of taking care of yourself is finding a safe place to express and deal with these emotions.

But now, with regard to getting your kids back, you should put all the emotion aside and clear your head. You need to decide to intentionally adopt a positive attitude, because your attitude can make or break this whole situation. No matter where you’ve been or what’s happened, you need to start right now and have a can-do attitude. You need to think and say to yourself: “I can do this. I am doing this. I will do this.

My kids are coming home.”

They’ve got your kids. It’s a very real situation.

And you want them back. So, you need to do three things: 1. Focus on the kids.

2. Cooperate with everyone.

3. Advocate for yourself and be strong in a non-angry way.

If your teenager got arrested–what would you tell them to do with the police? What attitude would you have them adopt?

You might say, if the police stop you and take you in, don’t have a macho attitude. They ask you your name–tell them.

They ask you where you live–tell them. Don’t disrespect the police officers. Have a positive, humble attitude and you will be less likely to have the police be rough with you.

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This is the same kind of situation you are in with the Department of Children and Family Services. You need to have a positive attitude. If you have a positive attitude, they may be more gentle with you and even help you and be your ally. If you are angry and negative, they may be nasty with you and make you feel very bad. They may say things like, “Look, these are your kids, I don’t care one way or the other if you get them back.”

Know who you are. You are part of the source of all power and all love.

Tap in.

The more you can manage your anger and not let it get in the way, the more calm you can be. The more cooperative you can be in doing what you need to do, the more focused on your kids’ well-being you can be, the sooner you will be able to get your kids home. The good news is that you and the child welfare system have the same goal– they are under pressure to get children to what they call “permanency”–which basically means getting them back with their families or getting them adopted. If your goal is getting your kids back–in their words, “reunifying your family”–then they will work with you to do it as quickly as possible.

For them, there is a clock that’s ticking. They are supposed to get a child to permanency, to get the case closed and the situation resolved, within 18 months.

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Love is not enough.

And love is all you need.

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You can get your kids back. Many people have–all of us writing this book have. However, if they think you are “unfit” to be your child’s parent, they will work hard to get your child adopted or placed with another family member. The state has the power to terminate your rights as a parent if you are unfit. Being unfit as a parent is not the same as being uncooperative with your caseworker.

But if you are uncooperative, your caseworker may think, act like, or say that you are unfit. This will not help you get your kids back.

You can do it.

One moment at a time.

Choose this moment to be and do good.

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Some of Us Messed Up and Some of Us Didn't If you feel: But it's not my fault. They're wrong. I have been unjustly accused.

Here’s the truth of where you are now: If they took your kids, you’ve basically been convicted of the crime and you’re in jail. You need to move from here–you and your kids can’t afford for you to keep fighting that fight. You need to let it go. At this point, trying to prove that it didn’t happen is a waste of energy and isn’t going to get you your kids back.

It actually will only make the whole process of getting them back take longer. You can’t change what happened. You can change the future. Your focus needs to be on getting your kids back. Now you’ve got to shift to being the model parent in the system, with your caseworker, and with the court.

If you haven’t done anything wrong and you are a good parent, you’re in way better shape than many other parents who actually have a lot of work to do on themselves before they can get their kids back. All you have to do is focus on not letting this terrible situation wreck your children’s lives.

You’ve got to focus on showing them that you are still their mom or dad and that you’re still there for them and that you’re going to get them out of this situation as quickly as you possibly can.

If you feel: It is my fault and I feel so bad.

You may feel bad, but now it is your responsibility to deal with your feelings and make your family whole. Guilt isn’t going to help you get your kids back. Wallowing in your negative feelings isn’t going to help you get your kids back.

If you feel bad, then put all that bad feeling energy into making it right and cleaning up your situation. Use all that 12

negative energy you feel about yourself to start getting it together, for you and for your kids. You can’t do it only for your kids, you can’t do it for anyone else, you have to do it for you. Tap into the fact that your being a parent is not a mistake: you were made to be your child’s parent. They were made to be your children. Together you are a family.

You can do it!

Assuming you have decided to get your kids back. . . .

It isn’t easy. It is possible.

You are stronger after every battle you win with yourself.

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Be Your Own Case Manager Don’t expect your caseworker to always be there, always be honest with you, or always have your back. Their responsibility is to make sure your child is safe, and one of their biggest concerns is that something bad will happen to your child and then they will get into trouble. They are predisposed to suspect you of being a danger to your child.

You need to prove to them–and the court–that your home is the best place for your child to be.

Whether you have a caseworker you like and get along with or you don’t, that person is probably not going to be there for as long as your child is in the system. There’s lots of turnover.

Most parents’ experience is that the primary person you’re supposed be dealing with–your caseworker–will change every six months. It may be more time. It may be less. But from the beginning, expect that the person you’re dealing with is going to change.

This means that you need to be the continuous person on your own case and be on top of what’s happening, what’s happened, and what the decisions have been. You need to be organized.

Get a notebook–keep every piece of paper that they give you. Make sure you understand everything that’s in there and everything you’re supposed to do. When you don’t understand something, ask your caseworker. It’s mainly up to you to keep it in your head and to keep it on paper. Write down everything that they say to you.

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As your own case manager, you also need to be aware of what you or your children need at every point in the process and ask for it!

It may feel like you’re jumping through hoops. Some of us would rather think of it as running a race or pole-vaulting over the high bar or sailing over hurdles, whatever works for you! But you’re going have to do many things that may not seem reasonable or comfortable for you.

Find the opportunity in what’s happening right now.

Be accessible to your caseworker.

Make sure your phone works and you are able to be contacted. If you don’t have a working phone for them to call you on, you can make an arrangement when you need to call them. You can also designate a reliable person who can take calls for you. But ideally, you need to make sure you have a phone and that it’s on and that you are available to answer it. They will make lots of last-minute requests–that you get a drug test, go to a meeting they’ve set up for you in their office, do something with your child and the foster parent. If you aren’t accessible to them, they may count it against you and decide that you’re not cooperating with them.

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Do Everything They Ask You To Do Show up for everything! Never be late. Always show up.

Don’t ever say you can’t make it. Do everything you agree to do. Stay in contact with your caseworker. When they ask you to get a drug test, do it. Don’t say you can’t do it. Don’t cancel your visitation. You get the idea.

They’re going to ask you to go to lots of different meetings: it’s going to feel like a full-time job. At times it may be exhausting, degrading, humiliating, but you are going to have to deal with it. Here are some of the things you’re going to have to do. There are whole chapters on some of these things later in the book, so make sure to keep reading.

1. Services in your service plan These may include parenting classes, individual counseling, family counseling, drug or alcohol treatment, parenting assessment, and anger management classes.

2. Drops: random drug tests When they ask you to do this, you have to go to the place they tell you to go. They don’t always send you to the same place. If you don’t go, it counts against you–it counts as a “dirty drop,” like they found drugs in your system.

3. Administrative case review (ACR) meetings These happen every six months to review your service plan and decide how well you’re doing, whether you’re following the plan, and if the plan is working for you.

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4. Court Although it seems like your caseworker is the one in charge, it was actually a judge who decided to take your kids away and a judge will decide if you get them back. You will need to go to court every two to three months in this process.

Court is very important!

5. Visitation with your child You have the right to visit with your child as long as the judge decides you’re not a danger to your child. It is probably the most important thing for getting your child through the process and continuing to build your relationship with your child (even a very young child–especially a baby). Going to visitation allows you to show them that you love them, that it’s going to be okay, that they will be home. This is also the time to build a good relationship with your foster parent. Visitation is very important.

Your breath will get you through any challenge.

Breathe slowly and deeply.

6. Child and Family Team Meeting This is the meeting where you are invited to bring everyone who’s important to you and your child together to develop the service plan. This is supposed to be where the contract is made and the rules regarding how you’re going to get your kids back are agreed upon. This is a very important meeting.

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Energy flows where attention goes.

Go toward the light.

Be positive.

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Keep Your Anger Out of It It is a frustrating situation and it’s going to make you angry and drive you crazy. You need to keep a positive attitude– every time you are negative or lose your temper, it will be documented and can result in more work for you to do and a longer time getting your kids back. Don’t use bad language. Be kind and cooperative. You need to find your own motivation–figure out why you’re doing this, what is most important, what this is about for you. Some people find it helpful to repeat one of the following phrases: n

“It’s not about me, it’s about my kids.”

n

“I’ve got to get me right–I’m going to step up and be who I want to be for my family.”

n

“This is about me, it’s not about my caseworker. I’ve got to keep myself together here.”

n

“This is about family–it’s bigger than me or this situation.”

n

“I am doing this for me and my family.”

Whatever your motivation is, keep focused on it. Keep your eyes on the goal. Don’t let your anger get the best of you.

Focusing on what you want and what is going to happen at the end of this journey can keep you from doing bad things to take away the pain like drinking too much or getting high.

Figure out things you can do to make yourself feel better, to take care of yourself, to get the support you need. For more about getting support, see page 21.

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Have a Team Attitude There are a lot of people in your business right now: the judge, the lawyers, the guardian ad litem (GAL), the caseworker, the foster parent, the public defender, the state’s attorney. It feels like they are all on one side and you are on the other. You may feel like they are all judging you and looking down on you. You’ve got to keep your heart and your mind right and not allow them to take you to a place that’s negative for you. You could choose to look at these people as the team that’s going to assist you in getting your kids back.

They’re on your team whether they like it or not. You need to play your role and do your part. Each of them has to do their part. Look at each of the team members as resources. Ask them for information. Ask for what you feel you need that may not be in your service plan for you and your family.

Be love with what is.

Power and Authority It sometimes feels like the system has all the power and all the authority in this situation. And while it is true that they have the authority to tell you what to do–it is also important to remember that you have power as a parent. Nobody in the system can get your family back together without you. Part of having power as a parent is recognizing that even if you find yourself with less than ideal “teammates” in this process, you can still exercise your choice and do all you need to do to get what you want and need for you and your family.

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Support You may be thinking: “I need help with this! Who can help me get my kids back?”

Your Caseworker If you have a positive relationship with your caseworker, he or she can be very helpful to you. The best way to build a positive relationship is to be positive and work hard, do what you agree to do in your service plan, and never ever lose your temper, curse at them, or disrespect them.

You might be thinking: “I don’t like her attitude.” We know that it can be very challenging to build a positive relationship with your caseworker. Your attitude and how you deal with the situation are the only things you can control.

Sometimes it may seem like a caseworker is turning her nose down on you or believes bad things about you, like you don’t care about your kids. This can be very hurtful or make you angry. It’s also difficult to have your caseworker change and have to bring another person with another set of assumptions up to speed on your case. It is important not to take anyone else’s attitude personally–even if he or she seems to want to make it about you, you don’t have to make it about you.

You can maintain a positive attitude. And in this case, that’s the best and most productive thing you can do. It’s better to focus on staying positive, do what you need to do, and represent yourself strongly, confidently, and positively in court. If you feel that your caseworker doesn’t like you or respect you, don’t invest too much energy in changing that, just do what you need to do and be respectful of him or her.

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And often, just doing this can bring a negative caseworker around.

At the first meeting, when you go in, your caseworker may start with “you know why this case came into our care.” This can make you can feel ashamed if you know they’re right, or it can make you angry if you think they’ve got it wrong.

Don’t do anything that’s going to cause them to take the wrong view of you. Screaming, crying, hollering, cursing, and especially getting physically violent–all these things will

What do you want your story to be? Speak it.

Live it. Be that story now. result in you getting a psych evaluation, anger management support, and more things to do in your service plan. They’re going to think you’re unfit. If you act like that with them, what will they think you’re acting like with your kids? You’ve got to stay humble. Don’t act crazy or have an outburst. You have to be strong and calm and keep it together and rise above the situation. You can ask them, “What do I need to do to get my kids home?” That’s the most important thing. You can do it and get your kids home.

If your caseworker does things that are just plain wrong–for example lying or disappearing from the situation–you can call their supervisor. If that person isn’t reachable, you can go up to his or her supervisor–and all the way up to the director’s office. You need to get these numbers at the very 22

beginning. There is also an 800 number in Springfield to call if you’re having this kind of trouble–it is: 800-232-3798.

Support Groups If you are recovering from any type of substance abuse, you may want to attend a support group like a 12-step program– Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA).

In these groups, you can get support from people who are also trying to stay sober, clean, or drug-free and need to balance other issues in their lives (like having a job).

There are also men-only and women-only spiritual support groups that you may be able to find out about through a local church or house of worship. There are domestic violence support groups as well.

Your caseworker should also have information about support groups in your area–both 12-step and other types.

Birth Parents Councils are made up of people who have been in your situation with DCFS and will talk to you and give you support. You can participate in their groups or you can get referred to someone who will talk to you individually. Your caseworker can help you get in touch with them.

Strengthening Families Illinois SFI is a project designed to assist parents with keeping their families strong and their children safe. It’s not judgmental and it has activities that get to the heart of being a parent that provide a safe way to sort things out. In Chicago, Strengthening Families Illinois offers activities especially for birth parents designed by birth parents. They sponsor Parent Cafés, which are relaxing, empowering, thought-provoking 23

events where you have meaningful conversations that get you in touch with yourself. They also offer a six-week workshop called Awaken to Your Potential: As a Person, As a Parent, As a Leader that will assist you with staying in positive energy and moving beyond this current situation and into your future. Voluntarily participating in activities of this type usually impresses caseworkers and judges because they see you doing things to better yourself without them telling you to.

Family Advocacy Centers In some communities, there are centers where you can go where someone will help you understand and fulfill the goals of your service plan. If you need extra support, this is an option. Ask your caseworker to refer you to a family support or family advocacy center in your area.

Treatment If substance abuse treatment is part of your service plan, take full advantage of it. There’s no cost for you. Often within substance abuse treatment there are a lot of resources you can take advantage of, including: individual counseling, parenting support, case management referrals, help with housing and clothing, help with medical resources, and maybe even transportation to and from these resources.

Change your thoughts, change your life.

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Therapy DCFS will often pay for counseling and therapy. Consider this option! It will give you someone to talk to who has supported people through this process before. Counselors can give you tips and can sometimes even be an ally. Try it out!

Your Attorney This is the person who represents and speaks for you in court. If you don’t have a private attorney, the court will assign one to you. Your attorney is one of the best supports you have. Attorneys present the picture of who you are to the court. This is the person who will take up your cause and fight for you. Your lawyer will help address issues that you have during the course of your case. Keep your lawyer informed and make his or her job easier by documenting everything.

You One thing that’s really difficult about being in this situation is that you’re basically on your own. A lot of times your friends and family will make you feel worse, judging you and not supporting you. It is embarrassing. Sometimes it even feels worse to talk about it. The good part is that at the end of the process, you are going to be stronger and you are really going to know how to take care of yourself.

You know you’re supposed to eat well, sleep, and exercise.

You may try to do these things, but it’s very hard to do them when you feel under a lot of stress. Getting enough sleep is very important, because if you don’t, you won’t have a good mental state, and you’ll be more likely to snap or go off on someone.

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So you need to find things that reduce the stress. You need to find the things that make you feel better and stronger. For some of us, it’s prayer, having a relationship with God, and going to church. For some people, going for a walk or taking a bath or listening to soft music or jazz can help. For others, it’s going out to a show or going bowling. Getting physical and working up a sweat can really help. You need to find your stress relievers and then do those things!

Don’t feed into or listen to negativity. When you get negative, all kinds of stuff starts coming out. Just refuse to go negative. When negative people ask you things and they want to get into it with you and you know they’re just going to rub it in your face, you can say things like: “It’s in God’s hands” or “It is what it is; I am doing everything I’m supposed to be doing” or “I don’t want to talk about it” or “I’m not going there.” It sounds cold, but you may need to be like that. You may need to leave.

When you awaken to your potential, the world changes.

If you have an auntie or a best friend who is a good listener, has your back, and loves you– someone you feel safe with and know you can trust–then talk with that person. That can help.

Older people are sometimes really good–they’ll tell it the way it is. But don’t put your business on the street, it will only make it harder. And everything that makes it harder for you makes it take longer to get your kids back.

You need all your positive energy to do the work and deal with the situation.

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The past is history. The future is a mystery. Now is a gift: that’s why we call it the present.

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Visitation It is your right to visit your child. Visitation is the time that DCFS allows you to be together with your kids. It is the time that you can be together as a family–where you are with your kids as their parent. It can be a time to bond with your child or to reassure your children that you’re working hard to get them home. The minimum time is one hour a week, supervised. During the course of your case, the time should increase and go from supervised to unsupervised, from unsupervised to overnight, and from overnight to home.

Visitation is also designed to monitor your commitment to your family. DCFS will keep track of your participation in visitation. They count whether you are on time, whether you are there or not, how long you stay, and what you say and how you interact with your child (when they are supervising your visitation).

Visitation may be a difficult time for your child. Sometimes visitation doesn’t go well. Your child may be sad or angry with you. They may be upset at the whole situation. They may cry when you leave. When the child is experiencing negative emotions during a visit, it can be very painful for you. The best thing to do in this situation is to reassure the child and express your love. You need to let them know that it is okay for them to be sad or angry. Your child may be upset after visitation. They might act up when they get back to their foster parent. This could just be because they miss you and want to be with you instead of where they are, but this will make it difficult for the foster parent. If this happens, you should talk to your caseworker about the possibility of all parties getting together to figure out how to make the visits 28

and after-visits go as well as possible for the child. Different strategies are appropriate for children of different ages, and every situation is unique. Not visiting is not the solution!

Always make it to your visitation–unless you’re in the hospital or someone’s dying. If there’s an emergency, you need to document it. Not making it to visitation will make DCFS think you are not committed to getting your kids back.

Not telling them if you can’t make it to visitation shows that you are not responsible.

If you have to miss a visit, ask to make it up. That will show your dedication and concern.

Find peace in this moment.

You can do it.

It is difficult to feel like a family during visitation, because it’s not a normal situation. You have someone watching you.

There are limitations on what you can do. The caseworker will tell you not to talk to your children about the case. That is very difficult, both for you and for your children. There may be other things that you want to do with your children and feel that you should be able to do that you will not be allowed to do. You need to make the best of it though–focus on your children. Ask them questions about how they are. Show that you are interested in what’s happening with them. You can tell them that you are working very hard to get them back and that you love them. They need to feel that everything is going to be okay. The stuff that’s going on with you as a parent is too heavy for them to deal with anyway–don’t put that weight on them. Get out of your world and into theirs.

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What if there are no problems or challenges, only opportunities?

You need to prepare yourself ahead of time for visitation.

Plan what you’re going to do with them or say to them. For example, you may plan to read a book, play games, and ask about school. Bring things that they can take with them when they leave.

Visitation can be in a variety of places. When it’s supervised, you don’t get to choose where it is. It could be at your house.

You may need to go to an agency. Visitation may be at the foster parent’s or at a relative caregiver’s house. DCFS policy is to try to place kids with substitute caregivers (foster parents or relatives) in your neighborhood, but this doesn’t always happen. It is the caseworker’s responsibility to assist with making sure visits happen. If your child is far away from where you live, DCFS may be able to provide transportation.

If your relative is caring for your children, that person may be able to supervise the visits as well.

When there are problems with getting visits with your children, you need to speak with your caseworker and go up the chain of command. It is also a very good idea to talk to your lawyer about this and document, document, document.

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The journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step, but you don’t get there unless you keep walking.

One foot after the other.

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Relationships with Foster Parents Some people have good relationships with foster parents, and some people have a more difficult time. In any event, it can be very difficult to have someone doing for your child what you feel you should be doing. And your agenda and the foster parent’s agenda might not be in synch. Your child’s age and the kind of relationship they have with the foster parent can make a difference.

It is important to try to get along with the foster parent–to communicate positively with him or her about your children.

If you have a supportive relationship with your child’s foster parent, if you feel like he or she is on your side and assisting you with getting your kids back, that’s great! You will have more access to your children if you have a good relationship with their foster parent. It can also be easier for your child if you are on the same team. If you can come together as one, that is great. One mother who ultimately got her kids back was a resource for her children’s foster parent. The foster parent would call her to strategize on how to deal with difficult situations with the kids and to assist with maintaining discipline. They are still friends.

However, if it doesn’t work for you to have a relationship with the foster parent, that’s okay, as long as you are doing what you need to do to get your kids back. If you feel uncomfortable or judged, if you don’t like each other, if you suspect the foster parent wants to adopt your child, or if you just feel like you don’t need another person in your life watching what you’re doing and reporting on it–you need to be polite and respectful, but you do not have to have a close relationship with your child’s foster parent. One mother who 32

got her kids back had a very difficult relationship with her children’s foster parent. The foster parent seemed to only see her faults and wanted to control her during visitation.

This birth mother remained respectful and kept her eyes on the prize and was successful in getting what she needed, which was to get her kids back.

Energy attracts like energy.

Positive relationships require both parties to be positive.

If you get a negative vibe from your foster parent, it is not necessary to try to win him or her over. It is necessary to be polite and respectful and reliable–to do what you agree to do and keep your appointments.

The most important thing is that your child does not get hurt in foster care. If your child is well taken care of during the time he or she is away from you, you will be grateful to the foster parent. If you suspect that your child is getting treated unfairly in foster care–that the money is not being spent on them or that they are being physically or emotionally mistreated–tell your caseworker and your lawyer.

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The conversation is the relationship. Use your words to build peace and love and joy.

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Child and Family Team Meeting The child and family team meeting is supposed to take place at the beginning of the process. You should be able to bring anyone who is a support to you and your family–a pastor, a relative, your child’s teacher or day care provider, a neighbor or good friend, your lawyer, and / or a therapist–anyone who agrees to come and assist with figuring out what the service plan should be. Your caseworker and supervisor will be there. This is the time to figure out what your agreement will be with DCFS–what you need to do to get your kids back.

You can ask for a child and family team meeting if your caseworker does not offer it to you.

Child and family team meetings can also be held prior to your children’s returning home to plan this transition. In this case, the foster parents will be there as well as the rest of your team.

Know what you need to say. Speak wisely, calmly, well.

In theory, the child and family team meeting is a great opportunity. It is the way the system should work. In reality, some parents don’t remember the child and family team meeting as an important or memorable part of their experience with the child welfare system.

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Court Court is going to be a part of your life for as long as your children are in DCFS custody.

The first hearing is called a temporary custody (TC) hearing or detention hearing. This is a procedure in which a judge decides if there is just cause for your children to have been removed from your home, pending investigation. If they decide yes, they will find someone for your kids to stay with–foster care, relative care, or, in the worst case, a shelter until they can find a foster family or relative who can care for them. This hearing occurs within 48 hours of them taking custody of your child. You, the state’s attorney, the investigator, the guardian ad litem (GAL–your child’s appointed legal advocate), and the judge are at the TC hearing–you don’t have a lawyer or a caseworker yet.

Temporary custody is until you get your children back.

Court can be a difficult and foreign experience. You might not understand all the words or language that they use.

You may be feeling a lot of things: shame, embarrassment, anger, confusion. Don’t be afraid to ask questions–you may feel intimidated by the experience, but don’t let that stop you from asking questions.

If you’re reading this, you probably have gone through the TC hearing and they decided they did have just cause to take away your children. This section is to prepare you for all the other times you are going to need to appear in court.

You need to get an attorney. If you can afford it, you can pay for a private attorney. Otherwise, you will get a public defender assigned to you. Your attorney is an important 36

member of your team. Make sure you have their contact number and talk to them. Be honest. You can assist them by bringing your own documentation. You are not the only case that they have. Bring copies of proof of everything you’re doing that you’re supposed to do. If you have a problem, contact them. They are supposed to be working on your behalf.

Be strong.

Be strong.

And you will be strengthened.

Your caseworker will tell you that you need to go to court. For all subsequent visits to court, your lawyer, your caseworker, and your child’s attorney (guardian ad litem or GAL) will also be there. Your lawyer will tell you that a court date is coming up. You may also get a letter in the mail.

After the TC hearing comes the adjudication hearing– otherwise known as the trial. This happens when the investigation is concluded. The state presents their evidence of child abuse or neglect, and they hear the facts of the case. If you agree with the state’s side of the case, that you did what you’re accused of doing or that what they say happened to your child is true, you can avoid a trial by signing a paper “stipulating to the facts” that your lawyer gives you. However, you always have a right to a trial if you want it, if you disagree with what they say happened. Don’t be intimidated or afraid to stand up for yourself if something is being said about you that isn’t true.

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The next hearing after the trial, if there is one, is called the disposition hearing. In this one, if the judge agrees with the state’s findings, your child will officially become a ward of the state. While your children are in state custody, you still have some rights as a parent. Your parental rights have not been terminated. Your lawyer and your caseworker will tell you what your rights are, if you ask them! If there’s anything that you want to do with or for your children, you can ask your lawyer or caseworker about it.

Let your children inspire you.

Next, there are status hearings every three months and permanency hearings every six months. A status hearing is to see what progress you’ve made on your service plan. A permanency hearing happens every six months to determine if the goal should stay the same. If you are trying to get your kids back, the goal is probably “return home.” If you don’t do what you’re supposed to do, they may want to change the goal to “adoption” or “subsidized guardianship.” They can also terminate your parental rights at a permanency hearing and find you “unfit.” The way to avoid this is to do what you agree to do in your service plan. If it’s not working for you, if there’s some reason you can’t do what you agreed to do, be proactive and let everyone know what you’re dealing with. Come up with possible solutions to whatever problems there are. Stay on track to getting your kids back even if the situation you are in changes. For example, one mother who ultimately got her kids back was required to go to AA meetings a certain 38

number of times a week and also to get employment. She got a job that kept her from going to AA meetings as many times a week as she had committed to go. She asked for an adjustment to her service plan with the caseworker, explaining the new circumstances. It is important to show that you are proactive, are thinking, have the goal in mind, and are making getting your kids back a priority.

This is the way it is supposed to happen–but you have now entered a very strange universe where virtually nothing happens the way it’s supposed to happen or on the timeframe it’s supposed to. For example, your trial may occur a year after they first take your kids. You may have had three status hearings and one permanency hearing before your trial, which was the experience of one parent who did get her kids back.

If it is decided that you have fulfilled all the goals of your service plan and are ready to have your children returned, this decision will be made at a permanency hearing.

Say: “I am always and in all ways greater than I think ... I AM.”

Always look your best when you go in front of a judge–your appearance means a lot. Never wear gym shoes or jeans.

Put on your Sunday best. If you don’t have dress-up clothes, 39

ask your caseworker for a referral to a place where you can get some courtappropriate clothing. Thrift shops are fabulous.

People Who Will Be In Court

They may have you go for a drop when you show up at court.

Guardian ad litem or GAL (your child’s attorney)

Judge Court reporter

State’s attorney

DCFS lawyers You really need to prepare before you go to court–it is Your attorney a stressful experience. Get Your caseworker a good night’s sleep. Rest.

Lay your clothes out the night You before. You want to look your Possibly your children’s best and act your best. Be foster parents calm. Be confident. Make sure you have documentation of any progress you’ve made. Make several copies–one for you, one for your lawyer, one for your caseworker, and one for the state’s attorney.

Sometimes you might do a lot of preparation for a very short experience. Your case might not be called, because of a backlog. You could be there all day and not get called. You have to be patient and wait it out. It counts that you were there.

Keep track of your court dates yourself. The next court date will be determined at the court hearing. Write it down and show up. Don’t rely on any new information about court dates from your caseworker–always check this with your lawyer. One mother who got her kids back says that her 40

caseworker told her four times that she didn’t have court when she did. You are your own advocate. You are your own case manager.

Court can produce a lot of anger and anxiety. Be prepared to feel like it’s never going to be over. Find ways to talk yourself out of being in a negative place. You can’t afford to put your energy into being angry about anything that happens in court. It is difficult.

The judge may ask you a question, but often they will only talk to your caseworker and your attorney. Your attorney is there to speak for you. Make sure you let your attorney know ahead of time if you want something decided. You may hear things in court that are not true. In this case, you can whisper to your attorney. No matter how angry you get, it is best not to have an outburst.

Court is a place where you may experience bias.

Remember, the judge is the person who makes the final decision. You must convey your story about what you are doing to comply with your service plan through your attorney.

If there is a serious problem with what people are saying about you, ask your attorney how to best address this.

If I am not for myself, who will be for me?

If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, when? ~Hillel 41

Fear makes you ugly. If you are acting ugly, you are probably afraid. Go where your courage comes from.

Be faithful.

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When There Are Serious Problems At any time during this process, if serious problems or issues arise regarding your service plan that you can’t resolve with your lawyer, your caseworker, or supervisors, you can request a mediation. For example, if the foster parents are keeping you from the visits you are supposed to have or if you and your caseworker seriously disagree about what needs to happen and you can’t get this resolved with his or her supervisor or your lawyer, you can request a mediation. A mediation meeting involves someone who will listen to each side and help you and the people you are having problems with come to an agreement that is workable for both of you.

Your being a parent is not a mistake: you are meant to be a family.

Another option is to call the advocacy office in Springfield. This will allow you to lodge a complaint. One mother who eventually got her kids back had an issue with what an investigator said to her children while visiting the foster home because of an incident that occurred there.

She talked to her caseworker and didn’t get results. She talked to the caseworker’s supervisor and didn’t get results.

She called Springfield and told them all the facts and the investigator was suspended for two weeks–so the process can work.

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Take Heart We’ve been through the process of having our kids taken away by the state and getting them back. We know that it’s possible, we know that it’s hard, we know that if you are committed you can do it. This book comes from our hearts to yours. We are all connected and you can draw on our strength and our experience in the form of this book to assist in getting you through. When you emerge from this journey, you and your family will be stronger. Have faith, take heart, do the work.

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Worksheets

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Protective Factors The six Protective Factors are the things children need to stay safe and families need to stay strong.

For more information on each Protective Factor, visit www.keepyourfamilystrong.org.

Be Strong & Flexible

Parents Need Friends

Being a Great Parent Is Part Natural & Part Learned

We All Need Help Sometimes

Parents Need to Help Their Children Communicate

Give Your Children the Love & Respect They Need

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Important Contact Information Case Workers / Supervisors Name: Phone:

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Important Contact Information Name: Phone:

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Bible Verses & Other Inspiring Quotes For those of us who wrote this book, a lot of inspiration came from the Bible. Here are some of our favorite verses that got us through tough times. We’ve also left space for you to write your own inspiring quotes.

Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord and He shall lift you up!

James 4:10 I who diligently seek good seek God's favor, but he who searches after evil, it shall come upon him. Proverbs 11:27 Make a plain commitment to the Lord and whatever you do, Proverbs 16:3 your plans will succeed.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us.

Ephesians 3:20 But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow Isaiah 40:31 weary, they will walk and not be faint.

(7) Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains.

(8) You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near.

James 5:7–8 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11 54

When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

Proverbs 3:24 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds.

James 1:2 The LORD sustains the humble but casts the wicked to the ground.

Psalms 147:6 He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy Micah 6:8 and to walk humbly with your God. (1) If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, (2) then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. (3) Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. (4) Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

(5) Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: (6) Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, (7) but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. (8) And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death even death on a cross! (9) Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, (10) that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, (11) and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory Phillipians 2:1–11 of God the Father.

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But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

Matthew 5:44–45 (19) This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live (20) and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life,

Deuteronomy 30:19–20 Call those things that be not as though they were.

Romans 4:17

Whar Inspires you? (Write down quotes, thoughts, or Bible verses, etc.)

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Exercise Write your intention for this process (what you want to happen) as if it already has. Write it in the present tense.

Then, say this every day.

Example: My children and I are home together living peacefully in our new house. I am completely stable and healthy.

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About the Authors Ramona Randall Ramona Randall writes: “In my late twenties I was introduced to using cocaine and became addicted, which led me into a downward spiral that lasted 12 years. As a result, my mother took custody of my first five children and later I had three more children who ended up in foster care.

The experience was difficult and in the beginning I was not ready to stop using and do the work to get my children back.

I wanted them but the addiction had a strong hold on me. I finally hit “bottom” in 2005. By this time, I had given up a child for adoption to her foster mother and had twins in the system. One of my twins died before I was ready to give up drugs. Her death was one event that increased my desire to change. Many times I questioned my sincerity … I wanted to change but was I willing?

Finally, I became tired of my destructive lifestyle and was ready to make the changes needed to get my children back. It has been almost 7 years since I walked into recovery and after a challenging period of going back and forth to court, I regained custody of my other twin. We are now a family along with my mother and my first five children.

For five years I have worked in the substance abuse field and as a member of the Cook County Birth Parent Advisory Council. I’ve spoken to juvenile court officials, law students, and child welfare staff about how to better serve birth parents, and also edit the council’s newsletter.

I also work with Strengthening Families Illinois to conduct parent cafés for parents facing the challenges I faced. A student of National Louis University, I am seeking a degree in Human Services and desire to help birth parents build strong families. I give a special thanks to my mother who has been a strong support through it all and to my heavenly father who saved my life.”

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Gregory Cox Gregory Cox writes: “Thank God for recovery programs; I was coming off a 15-year run of drug and alcohol use, which I was using to cope with my mother’s death. As a 13-year-old boy, I just couldn’t face that pain. My turning point didn’t come until my 6-year-old son asked me for some change on his way to school one morning. I simply didn’t have it! The more I thought about it, the worse I felt. My self-esteem was low or non-existent. But despite everything I had going on, I was determined to win this fight–the fight of my life.

DCFS had temporary custody of my eight children, and I had to get them home. It seemed everything was against me, not just the challenges of recovery, but the culture at DCFS at that time, which was that fathers were lazy and would not help and support their families and communities. It kept me going to think about my children, the life I wanted for them, and becoming the father I wanted to be. Regardless of everything I needed to overcome, I knew I would do it.

I’ve been in recovery for 20 years, and I currently work for A Safe Haven Foundation Center for workforce development as a program case manager.

I’ve been the Chairman of the Birth Parent Council and played a significant role in the DCFS Partnering With Parents Initiative. Prior to me stepping up to fight for my children, not many men had done so, perhaps because they felt unwanted, as I did. But I learned I was making a lot of assumptions about DCFS. They had little experience with working fathers. They embraced me, and as a result of our work together, they have continued to make fathers feel more welcome.”

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Theresa Leggins Theresa Leggins writes: “I am a mother of four and grandmother of five. In 2007, a call was made to the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services stating that my two 5-year-old granddaughters said that they had been sexually assaulted in my house by a male friend of the family. This was not true. Out of seven doctors, no one found any sexual abuse of the children.

Nevertheless, DCFS removed all seven children–two sons, four grandchildren, and one great niece–from my home. It took me two and a half years to get my kids home–including going to court, going to parenting classes, counseling, drug drops, family therapy, visiting my children. It was a humiliating process–especially since it was all based on a lie. At the end of the process, I am thankful that my kids are at home. Things happen, and once they happen, you need to pull your life back together. It’s not easy, and kids get messed up in the system, but you need to have faith and humble yourself and do the best that you can.”

Kathy Goetz Wolf Kathy Goetz Wolf is executive director of Be Strong Families and Strengthening Families Illinois. Kathy has been in the family support field at the state and national level for more than 20 years and authored numerous articles and books, including most recently, Living the Protective Factors: How Parents Keep Their Children Safe and Families Strong. She was trained as a cultural anthropologist at Princeton University and University of Chicago and enjoys nothing more than assisting others with telling their stories.

Special thanks to Angela Barber for her assistance with pulling us together for the conversations that were the foundation for this guide’s development, for asking key questions to firm up the content, and for editing author bios. And thanks to Jacqueline Lalley and Yodelpop for their delicious, distinctive graphic design.

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