PRESS
Don’t you want to get a turkey? Don’t you wa butt-naked, slathered oil, getting turned into Don’t you want to lear is the old-fashioned w you want to get excite time you watch one of Looney Tunes shorts w Bunny crossdresses? D want to feel something you want to be slightly than your peers? Don’ to use someone for yo benefit? Don’t you wa ol’ Tokyo Sandblaster?
Don’t you want to suck down a fat load of pills before having otherwise boring sex? Don’t you want to prolapse? Don’t you want to be a human piñata? Maybe eat some shit too? Do you want to try eating shit?
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Owen Patrick Vitus Taylor III
Raquel Vidal
SCAPEGOAT
The J-Dog: Jimmy Quiznos
MARK
Erin “Fatass” McGregor
THUNDERBIRD PRESS
Our Writers
OWEN TAYLOR
Haha, that old bloke? Well, I knew him before he drank cum.
RAQUEL VIDAL
Spanish in every way, including most of the bad ones.
JIMMY QUIZNOS
He’s not named after the sandwich restaurant, the sandwiches are named after him
ERIN
MCGREGOR
Who?
Can We Kill This Guy Yet?
He makes Fascism look gay
I’m not a Nazi. I don’t want to give any credence to Nazis But come on, they never threw their salute that embarrassingly. If I was a Nazi I’d want to kill myself dude, look at this shit. Look at his fucking lips. He looks special needs. I’m sorry, I know we’re not supposed to say shit like that, but I’m feeling the Dark Woke forces flow through me, and they’re telling me to call him a slur. Now I’m salivating at the lips thinking
about turning this guy into a fucking sandwich. I’m as real as it gets, man.
I Don’t Like It When Good Things Happen
I only want bad things to happen going forward
Today’s news is on the shuttering of USAID, an agency of our government focused on foreign aid, mostly to underdeveloped nations and their civilian population. Did I know what that was before today? Absolutely not. How do I feel about its erasure? Absolutely ecstatic.
It’s not just that it did a good things and it’s over, it’s that it did good things and it’s not being replaced with anything better Its removal just sucks! That’s what I really
crave, y’know? I yearn for shit like that, it makes my dick hard.
It was a feature of our government that was absolutely harmless, entirely beneficial for others, and its funding is gonna go towards buying more tanks for the NYPD. Doesn’t that make you cum a little bit? And the best part is that this is just the news of today, tomorrow will bring something even worse, and sooner or later my seed can be used as an alternative fuel for Teslas.
“Severance” S2 Premiers,
Apple TV Still Not Worth It
I’m not paying for that.
I like Adam Scott. We all like Adam Scott. The show is probably really good! It’s on Apple TV though.
Maybe I’ll pirate it. I pirated The Bear after awhile, I ended up pirating Succession too, so if Severance is really worth my time then it’ll end up on my SoulSeek tracker at some point, but am I getting Apple TV for it? Absolutely not.
My Dog, Pooby, Resurrected
He had died after several excessive car crashes.
Do you believe in magic in a young girl’s heart? Do you believe that a mutt in a pinwheel hat can successfully kill himself with several, sequential car accidents? Do you believe that I’d learn magic to resurrect that dog? Trick question, I would never resurrect him purposefully, and I have no idea how he returned
Crowdwork Isn’t
Funny Anymore
Stop filling my feed with it
I no longer believe that being a comedian is hard. Anyone can do it, it doesn’t require talent, it doesn’t require practice, it barely requires a worldview All you have to do is talk to drunk people. It’s a receptionist job.
Maybe it was an artform a decade ago, when Todd Barry did “The Crowd Work Tour” and it was kind of novel, but now all of my various feeds are filled with clips of comedians working crowds in the exact same way. Where do you work? That’s weeeiiiiirrrdd. That’s like [thing it isn’t like]. Ha ha. Subscribe to my podcast.
Study: Most TBP Readers are Single
Get some bitches, please
This study was conducted via the very intense method of looking through the list of accounts following our instagram and determining, through a thorough examination of their profile, whether they’ve ever been loved in their life
Unsurprisingly, yeah, it’s mostly single Really single Like, dry as hell I found it depressing. All employees of the Thunderbird Press fuck a lot, like, loads. All the time. Can’t keep it in our pants. Yep. That’s because we’re cool.
Study: Being Good at Video Games Labeled “More
Gay”
Than
Being Bad at Video Games
I’m too busy doing cooler shit
Can you blame me? I don’t have time to practice Street Fighter 6, I just load up matches as Lily and get my shit rocked, but that’s totally okay Most of my time is spent sleeping with girls! Fingering girls, eating girls out, having vaginal intercourse, loads of cooler shit.
Product Idea: Edible Fish Gravel
For human consumption
This is a note Raquel left as an idea for the magazine I just wanted to include it to humiliate her No, I don’t know what it means. Don’t ask me.
Stick to your combos, Justin Wong. I’m over here in the real world, where real things matter Video games? Hah, just a silly time-waster for me. The only button I’m mashing is that little red button called the “clitoris,” and yeah, doing so lets me “win the game” about 50% of the time
That’s why I’m less gay than you are My testosterone peaks with each new girl I do sex with. You? Very little sex with girls now, huh.
im tryingto type
thist while drivng
lol; texit whole driivng
is coo;
im nto a pissuy wkije some of you a re,, im notairar dof no fucking car accidnets
my car ghas realty a bad breaks lol he diont wor most of te tme. oops! thatw not q pg deal tho bedauwsd im drvivn fine
Guile hitting Chun-Li with a basketball
Last Time We Did This Bit, Here’s What You Sent
It’s not that bad, don’t worry
Or rather, it was quite bad, though the fact that we have anything safe to publish at all is proof that you guys went soft
Some of you are pussies One of you in particular, who sent these two images on the right. I know who you are, you know who you are, you were given a prompt and you pussied out. I wanted gore, man. I wanted, fucking, body parts and shit. I wanted to see something that’d traumatize me. I wanted to be made into a new man. Could you do that? You couldn’t.
Some of you could, though, and I will neither publish nor allude to what you sent. Just know that Hell is real, and the government keeps lists
Heil Pooby
ADVICE COLUMN
With love in the air, here’s some special Valentine’s Day advice from us, the real lovers.
Unsolicited Advice:
Don’t listen to the people who say you should drink water and eat pineapple. Drink Dr. Pepper and eat strictly steak. Chipotle is better, Funyuns are best Smoke everything. If you haven’t consumed at least one Monster Energy Drink per day starting last week, I’m sending Jimmy Quiznos over to your dorm with a baggie of coke to make up for it
What movie should I put on to get my girl in the mood?
Dear Film Fetishist, We have compiled a list of movies that’ll help you make a move on your huzz or whatever the hell it is you kids say.
Hereditary- A scary movie will get your boo to cuddle with you when the ultra scary scenes come on. Everybody in this movie’s getting head.
Tusk- For the furries.
Lolita- A super relatable movie for the age gap couple. There’s a book too!
Suicide Squad- The very first one with Jared Leto in it, just an amazing and well-made movie overall, turns me on Blade 2- Vampires are sexy, especially Wesley Snipes.
How do I ask someone to be my Valentine?
Dear Wishful Weiner, Here is a foolproof way to get someone’s attention and ask them to be your Valentine! Ask them while they speak to their professor after class.
What do I do if I don’t have a Valentine?
My mom has been sending me a letter with a lipstick mark on it since I was a kid!
Dear Lovesick Incest, Drink. See you at Bourbon!
How do I ask my situationship to be my Valentine?
Dear Situational Sucker,
This question was included because it is very different from the above “How do I ask someone to be my Valentine?” question. Do not, under any circumstances, ask your situationship to be your Valentine. We like to joke here at the Thunderbird Press, but we can’t in good moral standing condone this Seek time with your friends and loved ones instead, perhaps in the form of a Galentine’s Day. Spend time doing your hobbies. Take a long self care bath and watch your favorite show or read your favorite book
Have some guts, ask them the next time you go down on them, right before they finish.
Happy Valentine’s Day from the Thrusty Thunderbird! Use protection! No one wants to hear a crying baby in the next dorm over.
POP QUIZ
Are You Ready For Your Mandatory Philosophy Course?
The quiz that will help YOU determine whether or not you’re ready to become a scholar and a philosopher.
TestResults:
MostlyA’s Youpassed!Congratsonbeingoneof,likea steadilydwindling17kidstodoethicsright
MostlyB’s Wefullysupportthisdecision,notfinancially ofcourse,butyoucanalwaysgetanunpaid jobhereatTheThunderbirdPress,slopping Pooby.
MostlyC’s Woopwoop!Brownnosealert!Everybody knowsthatethicsprofessorspaythecollegeto letthemhaveanaudience.
MostlyD’s Thankyoufortakingourtest,MayorAdams!
Your ethics professor tells you that there’s a pop quiz next class. It’s on the ethics of second cousin incest. What do you do?
1. Call my body double to take it for me. a
Drop out b. Gather my trusty study group and commune in the library sometime before the test, of course!
c. Cause mild to moderate trauma to my frontal lobe. Now my professor and I are the same
d. Your philosophy professor says that you have to write a paper on a controversial topic. What do you choose?
a.
2. What Is The Proper Age at Which to Stop Breastfeeding Children? He Will Always be Mommy’s Little Boy!
Abortion b The Politics of France and the Deodorant Industry
c. Women’s Sports. Why Aren’t They Wearing Thongs to Play Soccer Like In the Olympics?!?
d. Your professor says “write this down.” What do you do?
3. Take my headphones off because I thought I heard something.
a. Drop out b Write it down!
4.
c. I am sleeping d. You look at your study guide for the final. When you finally figure out what your professor’s writing says, you read “You have to think about your thinking about.” What does this mean?
Nothinga. Drop out b. Unsure, but I email my professor to ask because this final is worth 50% of my grade
d.
c I am illiterate. My girlfriend has been reading this test out loud for me
It’sliketheNewYorkerCaptionContestbutit’sdifferent.Yeah.
1.MuskpredictsTesla’sstockwillshootupthishigh!
2.Elonshowsthecrowdhowtallamanmustbetotophim. Yikes!
3.ElondemonstratesthetraditionalArgentinianretirement homesalute.
4.MuskwasROCKHARDbehindthatpodium,hedistracts theaudiencewithaNazisalutebecausehedidn’thavehis sonaroundtouseasahumanshield.
THEYEARBEGANANDALREADYSUCKS...
JANUARY ALBUMS
I’MGONNADRAKEANDDRIVE
byErinFatass-Musicologist SponsoredbyAnthonyFantano KENDRICKSHMENDRRICKSUPERBOWL
YESTECHNICALLYTHIS HAPPENEDINFEB
If I was called a pedophile on national TV, I’d probably kill myself. I have to give Drake his credit, then,instayingalive.
Kendrick stomped out on a car last Sunday in an event most people are calling “okay.” We at the Thunderbird Press are going to break from our tradition of dickriding Lamar to thoroughly label theeventasbeingfine.
GRAMMYSHRAMMYBEYONCÉ
You know how Martin Scorsese finally won Best Director at the Oscars, and it was for The Departed? That’s what Beyoncé winning for Cowboy Carter felt like. Yeah, it’s Beyoncé, she should’ve won album of the year before, but this is likeherfifthbestalbum.
Still, I’ll take it if it means Billie Eilish doesn’t win. That’s not a knock against Billie, but also Jesus Christshedoesn’thaveto
win every award. Her boring ass Bond theme won an Oscar, I think votingcommitteesjustlike seeingheronstage.
Chappell Roan didn’t win much, not shocking, she’s too interesting for the Grammys. Charli XCX won a bit, that was fun to see. Chris Brown won too, I’m shocked no one has killed that guy yet. We all know the actual best album of the year was by Geordie Greepthough.
But what’s going on in hip-hop rn?
ACPXPI
In promotion of his new record, R&PXPI, we asked acpxpi our burning questions about the music industry We got a lot more than we expected The up-and-coming New Jersey rapper answers questions on everything from what it means to be an artist and American rap to what the bigger picture is in a rap beef
What's a rap album that has absolutely no misses?
NØIR by Smino Me and my lady studied that from top to bottom That album has no skips
Everybody has an artist that they drop everything for when they release a new album. Is he yours?
Actually I’d have to say mine is the Weeknd What he does with music is always beautiful to me He does the one and type thing You try it one time and it sounds really good, then you move on to the next
Is he your biggest inspiration, then?
Among his early inspirations, acpxpi lists Donell Jones, Justin Timberland, Michael Jackson, and Bruno Mars, for the way that he’s able to always reinvent himself
The most important one, however, is family
I’d say my inspirations outside the Weeknd would be my family. They’re very music-oriented and my cousins actually put me on to the Weeknd first That cultivated that love for that idea to let me really listen to R&B because R&B music at that time was never that dark. It was that Timbaland, that Neptunes type shit that had that bounce to it. And then you had the Weeknd, which was very melancholic, very somber It’s almost the same realm when you talk about lyrics, but then it was also completely incomparable, so when you say this is also R&B, it’s like “holyyyyy… yeah I gotta listen to that.”
So going off that, in R&B, the beat is really important. Do you think it’s possible for an artist to sound good on a shitty beat?
Let’s talk about IceJJFish, real quick Because the concept is perfect, like the “something about you, girl.” That concept is right and the beat was nice, but the execution is terrible, so it’s kind of on the vice versa There’s things you can get away with in a sense, and there’s things that we collectively, society will say “alright, look. Listen, in order for us to continue listening to this, you have to put in some effort ”
Finally, Kendrick or Drake?
J Cole Indeed
So the guy who faceplanted and then fucked off?
artwork by Kesarin Capleton (@kesxrin)
ALBUMSTHATCAMEOUTRECENTLYTHATWEWANTED TOTALKABOUTVERYQUICKLY,ALMOSTRUDELY
FKATWIGS’ EUSEXUA
You get a bunch of interesting Bjork-isms and then North West comes in and makes the whole vibe bad. Kanye’s children have the capacity to be as annoyingasWillSmith’s.
MACMILLER’S BALLOONERISM
I appreciated how this recordremindedmethat not all white rappers are soulless clout chasers, following the money in hip-hop and bleeding the genre dry. Some of them arejustdead.
THEWEEKND’S FINALTHING
It’s the end of the Weeknd, “Hurry Up Tomorrow” doesn’t really hurry up at all with its long ass tracklisting. 80 minute fucking record. Give me a break. It’sfinethough.
DRAKE&PND FUCKYOUREARS
It doesn’t feel good anymore. I’d listen to Take Care and it’d feel good, and this just feels bad. Do these guys want to do this? Who the fuck is PartyNextDoor? Why arewestillhere?
HORSEGIRL’S NURSERYRHYMES
“Phonetics On and On” aimstoteachyouhowto sound out words I guess. The lyrics have certainly taken a backseat. “2468” is a guide to counting. I used tolikethisband.
SQUID’S COWARDS
Well that certainly sounds like Squid. Of all the Windmill bands, Squid seem the least interested in constantly evolving. Consistency leads to longevity though,sofuckit.
PINKSIIFU’S BLACK’!ANTIQUE
More like Stink Siifu ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha.
In all honesty I thought it was pretty good. I’m sorry. I’m sorry Pink Siifu.
MIKE’S SHOWBIZ!
I don’t know what a guy as unfamous as Mike could tell me about showbiz,butifhecando it over a jazz rap beat I just might hear him out. Blissfully short songs too.TheWeeknd,learn.
BADBUNNY’S PHOTOBOOK
Here is Raquel’s review: “No vayas a Puerto Rico.” Yeah whatever she says. I don’t know muchaboutthisConejito Malo so just take the Spaniard’s word for it or whatever.
OKLOU’S CHOKEENOUGH
As a tried and true Sky Ferreira fan I know what it feels like to take a kind of mid pop record with enough quirks to make it feel profound and start worshipping it as a masterpiece.
VENTURING’S GHOSTHOLDING
I feel like, when I see a record labeled “indie rock,” my instinct has become to immediately recognize it as slop. I’d like to thank Venturing for continuing the trend ofkillingthisgenre.
ASIANGLOW’S 11100011
Take what I said about that Venturing record and apply it to “shoegaze.” Fucking hell have we really fallen this far from My Bloody Valentine? Let’s try folks,comeon.
HERE’SABUNCHOFSCORES:7,9,4,2,5,8,1,10,8,5,5,3, EACHONEOFTHOSECORRELATESTOANALBUMINRANDOMORDER
FIGUREITOUT
andnow,aremindertofeelbadtoday...
TBPREMEMBERS
Art,Itself,IsLesserNow
Yeah it feels like Jesus died, or perhaps my dad
JIMMY“J-DOG” QUIZNOS CONTRIBUTOR
In our last “TBP Remembers” feature, I felt comfortable making jokes about the subject we lost This time is different
You know how fucking cool David Lynch was? Like, wow, y’know? This is a photo of him from his weather report Youtube series and he still looks fucking cool He has such great hair
I never believed in that transcendental meditation shit, I knew it was phoney the second the Beach Boys got into it You ever listen to Friends? It’s a great album but it’s like the only time Mike Love ever embraced being a hippy, which means all of its hippyish parts have aged like shit David Lynch was into that too, and while it’s probably still lame, it feels cooler when he does it
I want to relate the first time I ever saw Eraserhead I was 19 and going to college for the first time, having spent my 18th year in a gap between high school and university that left me mostly bored and fat Getting a dorm room felt exciting, like I had a new space that was my space, provably my space, and one without the baggage of my childhood bedroom I always suck at throwing things out, so over the years that room became a sort of weird culmination of my interests between the ages of 8 and 18 The dorm, though, was a fresh start, so I immediately bought two posters: the cover art of The Velvet Underground & Nico, and Eraserhead
Problem was, I never fucking saw Eraserhead before I had listened to the Velvet Underground, so I wasn’t that much of a poser, but I was still at-a-minimum 50% poser That’s not too good I knew I had to fix that error
I still took me awhile to watch it though, just under a month or so, not more, as the poster lingered on my wall, slowly making me look
like more and more of a dipshit It was only on September 12th, 2022, that I finally checked it out Hurrah!
I think, what Eraserhead lacks in objective truth, it makes up for in emotional truth A lot of Lynch’s films work like this for me People say they don’t make sense, but that’s only if you approach them with a literal measure of plot They do make sense, just abstractly so They feel right, if that makes sense
TBP Field-Correspondant Wyn Pitnick and I watched Mulholland Drive over the winter, and as the film ended we turned to each other and nodded We often talk quite a bit after we watch a film, he’s a good Movie Friend, if you’ve ever had one of those Watching Blade II or whatever, there’s a lot of shit to talk about With this, we just kind of acknowledged it The film ended and I went home
So I’m tempted to avoid jest, just for a moment, though I’m tempted to shit on all the bald-headed rubes who don’t care for Fire Walk With Me That’d include Wyn by the way, can you believe that shit? We should hate him
But for an artist whose work so frequently incorporates death, I feel unequipped to handle to death of the artist himself I think, for the sake of us all, we just have to keep his films around That’s all we can do anyways
A BRIEF TRIBUTE
A letter from the editors:
We did this in the last one and we’re doing it again. Begging. Hands on our knees. Knees on the floor. Mouth open, tongue out, ready for anything. Pooby is watching. He’s into it. He’s maintaining some distance but he’s liking what he’s seeing. Did you just turn a camera on? Wow, perv. Well, okay, maybe. Maybe. But I better not see this online.
The Thunderbird Press can be found on Instagram @thunderbirdpress, and can be emailed at thunderbirdpressmag@gmail.com. You can also track down and kill Jimmy Quiznos. We’d love to gain new writers, cartoonists, critics, and field correspondents. If you can think of something that should be here, don’t be lazy, fucking add it.
Apologies for anything in poor taste. - Thunderbird Press
my brother looks like this