Bisexuality for questioning people

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Bisexuality for questioning people

First published 2019. Revised and updated by Libby Baxter-Williams 2024. Any quotes used with permission.

Not confused...

.... but maybe overwhelmed.

Understanding who you are is key to living life, but carying a secret or feeling like you're not qualified to label yourself can be a huge emotional burden.

Googling 'am I bisexual' can lead to more questions than answers, so we've produced this guide to bisexual and bi plus identities to guide you through the basics. You'll find primers on bi plus identities, some affirmation that will make you feel less alone and a tiny bit of science, all in one place and ready to help demystify the largest identity group in the LGBTQ initialism.

What's inside

What is bisexuality?

Am I bi?

Why label it?

The Kinsey Scale The bi plus umbrella Similar identities, different labels Skip to th Common myths e main bit I think I'm bi...

Coming out

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What is bisexuality?

Bisexuality is attraction to more than one gender.

That's not what my dictionary says!

Defining the word 'bisexual' this way more closely reflects what bisexual people actually experience: our attraction is not based on two genders that opposed each other, but the whole spectrum of gender identity and presentation.

Nonbinary and gender people make up a large percentage of the bisexual community- and the people we're attracted to!

Am I bi?

We can't tell you that, but you can!

Think about all the people you've felt attraction to in your life up to now. Think about the people you've wanted to have a romantic relationship with someone, or felt lust for. Are they all of the same gender? If not, then you might be bisexual.

The word 'bisexual' is used in two different ways; as a category of sexuality and as an identity label. There are times when it's handy to have an accessible catch-all term to describe a group of people with something in common, but that doesn't mean you have to describe yourself that way.

You might prefer a different term like 'pansexual', or 'omnisexual', or you might prefer to be intentionally unlabeled. That's ok!

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Have a look online at what other people are saying about the ways they talk about their labels and sexualities and choose the one you think works best for you. You don't have to rush you don't have to decide at all, but you might find a label a comfort.

Why label it?

If you're experiencing attraction to more than one gender (and if you're reading this you might be), you might be wondering if it's even worth 'coming out'. You might not plan to ever act on your feelings, or you might find labels too constricting, not like how they sound or feel like you'll be rejected, as well as countless other reasons you might think the hassle is too much. Well, you're not alone. Lots of people who are attracted to more than one gender - including many who act on those attractions - don't even consider themselves bisexual. If you're happy with that; great! Your sexuality is your own too define. It might be too fluid to pin down, it might be so rarely fluid that you simply don't think it's significant. It might simply not be your priority right now. It's always up to you and you alone.

Venn Diagram illustrating differences between definitional bisexuality, behaviour and identity label.

Attraction to more than one gender

Sexual activity and/or relationships with more than one gender

Identifying as bisexual

Identifying as bi plus

If you do feel drawn towards a label, you might decide to join the growing number of people that experience attraction to more than one gender who choose a label other than 'bisexual' to describe themselves. That's great too! The number one thing is YOUR comfort. That said, there are some great advantages to putting a label on your queer sexuality,

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whatever it is.

For many people, being able to categorise themselves alongside so many others brings a confidence boost and a sense of community solidarity, others choose a label because it helps them understand and express themselves clearly and others still might reject all labels for some time until they have a sudden light bulb moment and suddenly find one that fits perfectly. There's no rule book, just how we like it.

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There's another great up side to finding a label too: it helps other people. Not everyone wants to be an all-out role model, but the mere act of proudly claiming your own label can inspire others to do the same, or make them feel like someone understands them if they're not quite ready for that yet. Every single person that comes out strengthens our communities just by saying who they are.

The Kinsey Scale The Kinsey Scale is one way of categorising sexual behavior. It's significant because it's the first scale of its kind. Zero on the indicates exclusively heterosexual behaviour and six exclusively homosexual behaviour.

Anyone falling between two and six inclusive might be considered bisexual.

The Kinsey Scale is flawed because it relies on physical or assumed sex rather than gender, and because it recognises only sexual activity and not desires, however it's the most well method of categorising behaviour.

The Klein Sexual Orientation Grid and the more recent Purple-Red Scale offer alternatives.

You may find it unhelpful or even regressive to categorise your sexuality, and that's perfectly reasonable too.

X - No sexual contact 0 - Exclusively heterosexual 1 - Mainly heterosexual and incidentally homosexual 2 - Mainly heterosexual but more than incidentally homosexual 3 - Equally heterosexual and homosexual 4 - Mainly homosexual but more than incidentally heterosexual 5 - Mainly homosexual and incidentally heterosexual 6 - Exclusively homosexual

The bi plus umbrella

Or, the multisexual spectrum

While categories like "straight' and 'gay' might seem fairly straightforward, 'bisexual' has traditionally meant 'almost everything else', with only asexuality in a separate category of its own.

Today, as more and more people understand gender as a spectrum rather than two discrete categories, and the conversion continues to evolve, so has the language we use to describe our sexualities and how we relate to them. Identity labels that were rare in the 1970s, 80s and 90s are now much more commonplace.

The bisexual umbrella, or multisexual spectrum, is a term we use to group these labels together. Some are slang terms, some politically motivated and some emphasise particular aspects of attraction, but they all fall into the broad category of "attraction to more than one gender". It is very common to use several terms interchangeably or depending on your audience.

Intentionally unlabeled Bisexual Pomosexual Bi-curious Abrosexual Multisexual

Down low Homoflexible Fluid Switch-hitter Omnisexual

Pansexual Ambisextrous Bi-furious Queer Byke Heteroflexible Polysexual Trysexual AC/DC

Ambisexual

Homoromantic Plurisexual

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Similar identities, different labels

Although there are countless words bi plus people use to describe ourselves, the most common according to the 2021 UK census are bisexual (624,000 people in England and Wales), pansexual (48,000 people) and queer (15,000 people). In the same census 75,000 chose 'other' or wrote their preferred term in.

That's probably not the whole picture though.

Bisexual

Both an umbrella term and an identity in itself, bisexuality is defined as attraction to more than one gender.

Pansexual

Pansexual people are attracted to people of all genders, and do not generally consider gender to be a significant part of their attraction.

Queer

Also an umbrella term, it is used by gay and lesbian people, asexual people and trans and nonbinary people too.

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Because some people use two or more labels equally, or use different labels in different contexts (like saying you're simply queer when you don't fancy explaining yourself, but pansexual and fluid among your clued up friends) this data potentially undercounts instances of usage These are some of the more terms you'll find in use in bi plus and queer community spaces that might resonate with you.

Omnisexual

Like 'pansexual', omnisexual describes attraction to all genders, but omnis usually consider gender significant.

Abrosexual

Abrosexuals experience fluctuating attraction, identifuing more with one sexuality term at one time and another at another.

Fluid

Fluidity is a less formal term for abrosexuality and may also be used to indicate openness to new situations.

Many designs for queer and fluid flags have been proposed, but none widely adopted.

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Common myths About bisexual identities

There are lots of myths around bisexuality and bisexual people that can muddy the waters when you're trying to work yourself out. Perhaps you've heard that bi people are exactly 50% attracted to men and 50% attracted to women, or that bisexual people have to be in multiple relationships to be content, and that just doesn't feel relatable to you. if you're worried that you can't be bi because you're NOT something, we want you to know that there is no 'right' way to be bisexual. Here are some of the most common myths we've encountered.

Bisexuality doesn't exist

We can wholeheartedly confirm that it does, and there's both scientific research and a whole community of people to back us up.

Everyone is a bit bisexual

Everyone has the ability to do bisexual things, but not everybody has the desire to; just ask them!

Bisexuals have a perfect ratio of attraction to different genders

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You'll definitely find some people who have had roughly equal experiences with different genders, but they're not the norm!

Bisexuality is transphobic

Not only is bisexuality inclusive of transgender and nonbinary identities, but a significant number of trans and nonbinary people identify as biseuxal themselves.

Bis all come out as gay eventually

Some do. Some reclaim a heterosexual identity and some fo the other way -from gay to bi. We're are as likely to change labels as anyone else.

I'm probably just going through a phase

Yeah, maybe you are. Our question is 'so what?' How you feel now is totally valid, and so is changing your mind.

I'm probably just faking it for attention

We call that "bi Impostor syndrome " and it's extremely common. Take a look at our "Bi Impostor Syndromee" booklet for more.

I'm probably just curious, it's not really real attraction

Curiosity is just one manifestation of desire, and desire is central to sexuality for most people.

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I think I might be bi...

What do I do?

You're in luck! You don't have to do anything. The great thing about sexuality - any sexuality- is that it exists no matter what you do. If you do decide to come out, find your community or maybe even make one for yourself, you'll find a lot of people willing to help you. You'll find lots of people just like you just by scrolling your favourite social media, with active communities on Facebook, X, TikTok, Discord and Threads where you can dip your toe in or immerse yourself in the community without having to cone out IRL.

Coming out Coming out is a huge step to take, congratulations! Turn to the back of this booklet for a list of resources you might find helpful, or pick up our Coming Out leaflet for tips from us. when you're considering your next step please remember to put your own safety first. You don't need to tell anyone if you think they might hurt or dismiss you.

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if you're ready to take the leap, try speaking to a trusted friend first. They can help you process your worries and organise your thoughts, and give you loads of validation at the same time. Whatever you decide to do, your choice is ok. You have your community behind you.

Your feedback is invaluable. If you've got any thoughts you'd like to share about this booklet or anything Biscuit does, please email sayhello@thisisbiscuit.com.

Visit our etsy store at thisisbiscuitstudio.etsy.com

Where to look next

thisisbiscuit.org.uk

biprideuk.org

bisexualcommunitynews.co.uk

0800 0119 100 hello@switchboard.lgbt

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