Issue 15, Volume 122 by The Xaverian

ISSUE 15

XAVERIAN THE WEEKLY SPOOF

Thursday Mar 29 2012

Volume 120 Issue 20

EDITORIAL STAFF

Thursday, April March3,21, 2014 2012 EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Volume 121 Issue Issue15 15 Sean McEvoy122 xw.eic@stfx.ca | (902) 870-9431

OUR OURSTAFF STAFF

PRODUCT ION MANAGER Emma MacPherson EDITORS-IN-CHIEF xw.product@stfx.ca

Sean Ron Jeremy McEvoy

MANAGING EDITOR Lewis Peter North Forward Joe T hibault xw.managing@stfx.ca | (902) 867-3732

news STRIKE set for fall 2014

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CRITICS OF admin STRIKE cAlled “DUST” by kent macdonald, hired picketers hit lines may 15

COPY EDITOR Alexandra Adams ART PRODUCT IST IC COORDINATOR ION MANAGER xw.copy@stfx.ca

BILL ALDERGROVE | Writer Guy

Clayton Jesus ART IST ICBlagdon COORDINATOR Marie-Eve Pomerleau xw.photo@stfx.ca xw.product@stfx.ca xw.photo@stfx.ca NEWS EDITOR BUSINESS ART IST IC COORDINATOR MANAGER Lewis Forward xw.news@stfx.ca Graham Fanny McToaster Haynes

xw.managing@stfx.ca xw.photo@stfx.ca CULTURE EDITOR Kennedy Murphy xw.culture@stfx.ca COPY MARKET EDITOR ING MANAGER

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SENIOR REPORT ER xw.opinions@stfx.ca xw.copy@stfx.ca Seth Rutner xw.report@stfx.ca SENIOR REPORT ER FEATURES NEWS EDITOR EDITOR Ellen Crosby xw.feature@stfx.ca Larry King xw.report@stfx.ca

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The Xaverian Julia Oprah O’Hanley WinfreyWeekly is the official student newspaper of St Francis Xavier xw.report@stfx.ca xw.distract@stfx.ca University. The Xaverian Weekly is published on Thursdays by the Xaverian Weekly Publications Board and is COLUMNISTS SPORTS & HEALT H EDITOR editorially autonomous. Maria Jared “Subway” Rizzetto Fogel Matt xw.sports@stfx.ca MacDonald The Xaverian Weekly is a proud member of the Canadian University Press, North America’s largest cooperative of student STAFF SENIOR WRITERS REPORT ERS newspapers. Campus Plus is the Xaverian Angela Peter Parker MacKenzie Weekly’s national advertising agency.

School won’t be starting in September. After a resounding 85% of StFX administrators voted ‘yes’ Wednesday, StFX’s second strike in as many years will begin May 1. After the vote was passed, incoming president Kent MacDonald addressed the stunned MacKay room crowd. “We just needed to hit the reset button,” said MacDonald. “StFX needs a fresh start, and I need some time to ease into this job. There are some major issues at StFX that we all need to take time to address. We had little alternative but to call a strike. This way, we can all have some time to relax, take it easy, and figure out the best plan of action moving forward. Also, the financial burden will be reduced for students since they will have a few more months to work before classes resume.” Citing current administrative vacancies, MacDonald and StFX’s executives all decided that next semester’s workload was too much. “It seems exhausting,” said VP Recruitment Tim Lang. “I mean, we haven’t hired a VP Finance and Operations yet, so it just makes real fiscal sense to cease operations until we do so. Also, the roster for our rec league team [the Golden Domez] is top-notch this season. Since we acquired Kent from Algonquin, we’ve got a real shot this year. He’s a bruiser. All of us got together

and decided that was something we wanted to focus on this fall.” Campus will be closed and barricaded during the strike. A portion of the 2014-2015 budget has been allocated to hire picketers, who will begin demonstrating May 15. “We’re looking forward to it,” said demonstrator and Sodexo employee Maevis MacGillivray. “They’re offering to pay us time-and-a-half to stand in the sun and drink iced caps.” Students enrolled in spring and summer courses will still have the opportunity to complete courses. All online resources will be closed for the duration of the strike. Online courses will be entirely mailbased. “Personally, I’m looking forward to it,” said third-year Honours Math student Dan MacKinnon. “Mailing in any questions I have will give me real time to think about the problems.” Faculty representatives published a statement Thursday in which they expressed their anger and shock. “Striking when you make more than $140000 per year makes no sense. Strikes should only happen if you make between $70000 and 120000 per year, because then you have real consequences for the people involved. “I’m miffed,” StFX History professor Chris Frazer told the

Xaverian. “They pay the bills, so for them to go on strike really just makes no sense. Who are they picketing against? There’s just no conflict here.” The Xaverian approached MacDonald during hockey practice for his response. “If there was no conflict here, there would be no strike,” said MacDonaldfresh off his third goal of the scrimmage. “Obviously there’s a conflict. Come on bud. You’re dust.” With no discussions scheduled, StFX administration has no plans to return to the table. “There’s no point,” said MacDonald. “We’ve sent various emails, and several texts. We even got Ramsay [former VP Finance] to send some Snapchats around. No one is willing to talk to us. Until we hear back from somebodyanybody reallywe’re standing in solidarity with ourselves.”

“We’re gonna wait this one out” SU to remain COmpletely indifferent Following the vote, the Students’ Union held an emergency meeting, unanimously passing a motion to pretend like nothing is happening. “What strike?” said president Ben Gunn-Doerge. “Who are you, and where am I?” Council Chair Mariah MacKeigan told the Xav that she’s “just focusing on exams. “I heard something about a strike, but as far as The U is concerned, I’m just doing me, thanks.” All SU services will remain operational for the duration of the strike.

JBB DECLARES INDEPENDENCE “We’re just sick and tired of all the squabbling,” said Biology Department Chair Moira Galway. “Everybody’s striking one way or another around here. We’re just here for the science.” J. Bruce Brown Hall held an emergency referendum following the administration’s decision, and after a 95% vote, has declared independence from StFX. Following the move, StFX has revoked travel permits and issued economic sanctions against several top JBB officials.

Veronica Clark Kent Farley

Rachel xw.report@stfx.ca Revoy opinions

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FOrd Loses stfx PResidency BID a Crack in this candidate’s Platforms Cost him the race SHAWNA BUT TERSCOTCH | Local T V Watcher

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The editor-in-chief thethose section Antigonish, Opinions expressed NS B2G areand 2X1 solely of their aueditors reserve the right to refuse to thors and do not necessarily reflect the views of print submitted material and to edit Opinions The Xaverian expressed Weekly solely or The those Xaverian of their Weekly authors submissions for are length and/or style. The Xaverian Weekly not print mateand Publications do not necessarily Board. will reflect the views of The Xaverial that is racist, misogynistic, sexist, rian All materials or The Xaverian appearing in TheBoard. Xaverian Weekly homophobic, or Publications libellous. All arematerials copyrightappearing those of their in Thecreator(s) Xaverian and are copyright may not

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JAMES Editors ted material reserve MALLOV, and thetoright edittosubmitted refuse MAYS to print material(s) CHAMI, submitted for LAURA material length/style. and O’BRIEN, toThe edit Xaverian submittedWeekly LIAM material(s) will PROST, for not length/ print BREANNA style. material Thethat Xaverian is racist, MITCHELL will misogynistic, not print material sexist, thathomois racist, phobic, misogynistic, or libellous. sexist, homophobic, or libellous.

In what many are calling the political upset of the decade, Dr. Kent MacDonald was appointed president of StFX University over embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Mr. Mark Wallace, Chair of the StFX Presidential Selection Committee and the StFX Board of Governors, appointed MacDonald this year but many insiders have mentioned that Ford was a viable contender throughout the process. Ford, according to Ford, “has a proven track record for success,” and has been credited with making Toronto grow in popularity with

the help of many of the largest evening talk shows in North America. Jimmy Kimmel, a supporter of Ford, credits him with raising the bar for all mayors, saying, “Ford is the only candidate with a proven crack record.” Like MacDonald, Ford has a diverse post-secondary education, having attended Carlton and York University. What the selection committee found appealing about Ford was the fact that he never graduated from ether institution. This not only allows him to have more in common with the current attendees of StFX, but also demonstrates

a commitment to lifelong learning. If selected, Ford was committed to bringing new commerce and trade to Antigonish. One of his requirements was the appointment of his friend Alexander “Sandro” Lisi to be the head of procurements at the school. Lisi has been identified by credible sources as an individual who has the contacts and skill to source a full range of products that many see as an intricate part of university life. There is also the cultural diversity that Ford brings to StFX that has placed him high on the candidate list.

Ford’s drive to leverage brings a new era of bilingualism in the East Coast and has been seen by many as a way to integrate cultures. He has been rumoured to challenge New Brunswick as the only bilingual province, mandating that students and faculty learn Jamaican patois slang. He felt that bilingualism would allow students to focus on learning and over marks and said, “Di jubie deh be a lightn up di grades.” Ford was genuinely disappointed when the committee decided to appoint MacDonald over him but he concealed his emotions.

NEWS 3

The Xaverian-Volume 122 Issue 15

new res b to be named after gunn-doerge kent macdonald to also rename O’regan hall: Macdonald hall 2.0 ROBYN DOOLIT TLE | Rob Ford Stalker After only a year in his position as Students' Union President, Ben GunnDoerge is getting a residence named after him. Going the entire year without a proper name, New Res B will be renamed in his honour at a special ceremony this upcoming September. Speculation around campus was rampant that the residence was to be named after outgoing President Dr. Sean Riley, however incoming President Dr. Kent MacDonald was quick to extinguish that idea. "He's old news", said MacDonald. "I mean, he's leaving so he's really not that important anymore around here. I really don't get why people think he's this legend. What's all the hype about? I can go down a jello slide just as well as him, just you wait and see." "Gunn-Doerge just sounds so much better than Riley don't you think?", MacDonald continued. "I'm also thinking of re-naming O'Regan Hall as MacDonald Hall 2.0, or Kent's House. Kent's Palace? Kent's Presidential Pad? I don't know I'll figure something out. Oh and it's getting a few golden domes on top of it. You can never have enough golden domes." Gunn-Doerge himself was not

shocked by the honour. "I'm the best thing to hit this place in a century", he said. "The Ben Gunn-Doerge Den will be the sickest place to live on campus. There's a reason why the mascot for the residence is the Royals. I am practically StFX royalty and I'm glad I'm finally getting the recognition I deserve for all my hard work this year." Gunn-Doerge added that all frosh week shirts for residents of the building next year would have his face on it. "My smiling face will be the best way to welcome new students to campus", he said. It has been rumoured that Gunn-Doerge has won numerous smile modelling competitions throughout Europe. Allegations that he missed Students Nova Scotia and CASA conferences to further his modelling career have so far been unproven, although a photo allegedly exists of him partying with Rob Ford at a Victoria Secret fashion show. When asked about the photo GunnDoerge had this to say; “I cannot comment on a photo that may or may not exist. However I will say that RoFo is a pretty chill guy and one of my homeboys.”

Political Pangea Mackay to combine Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island, July 2014 WENDY TESTEBURGER | Politics Wonk

Big changes are coming to Nova Scotia this summer. Local MP Peter MacKay has plans to join Prince Edward Island and Nova Scotia in a Maritime Union of sorts. On Jul 8, 2014, constitutional changes are slated to occur, thus joining Canada’s smallest province to our very own Nova Scotia, making them legally bound as one province. “I’m really quite excited with how it’s all coming together,” Minister

MacKay told The Xaverian. Not only will the provinces be legally bound by this union, but they will also be physically bound. “The goal of this initiative is to join the two provinces entirely. With such cultural similarities and the Island’s small population we thought joining the two was the perfect solution to the massive expense the Northumberland Ferry causes our federal government every year,” the Minister of Justice ex-

plained. The process will begin Jul 1 when all residents of Prince Edward Island will begin to evacuate to New Brunswick for the duration of the moving process. The federal government has agreed to subsidize most moving expenses associated with the unification process, including up to four days at a hotel in New Brunswick while the province is being moved.

“We can’t afford to entirely subsidize all 140 000 odd Islanders in the move, but we are going to do our best to make it as financially efficient as possible for both the people affected and tax payers across the country,” MacKay explained. The Minister says the cost of moving the Island, including the physical movement as well as compensation to PEI residents, will pay for itself within ten years of not subsidizing the Wood Islands – Caribou Ferry service. As for the loss of jobs on the two boats run by Northumberland Ferries, “taking down signs associated with the ferry service in both provinces will employ them for many years to come,” said MacKay. “I don’t know how Islanders will adapt to it, but I am looking forward to the changes this summer will bring,” Premier of Prince Edward Island Robert Ghiz told us. “However, governing the massive province will be a challenging task. Nova Scotia Premier Stephen MacNeil and I have agreed to a coin toss on who will remain as Premier for the new province, so that should be... interesting.”. The new province has not been named as of yet. MacKay, in coordination with the two provincial Premiers, has opened up the naming process to the public with a poll set up on the government website where residents of PEI and Nova Scotia can help choose the name of their new province.

4 NEWS

Thursday, APRIL 3, 2014-The Xaverian

BitterSweet DEPARTURE Dr. Riley eager for cambodian adventure RONALD DUNAPHEE | News Connoisseur Though many in the academic- as well as the Xaverian world are sad to see such a venerable leader depart, Dr. Sean Riley himself is not so aggrieved. He will finally be able to get “Bangkok dangerous,” the President told the Xaverian in an exclusive one-on-one. South East Asia has been the apple of Riley’s eye for some time now and given that he will no longer have to be at StFX for eight months a year, he is looking forward to an “almost permanent retirement” to the tropical paradise. Among the many things drawing the Rhodes scholar and Oxford fellow to the southern oasis is “first and foremost, the Full Moon parties.” Riley reported that he had heard about the raves from former VP of Finance Ramsay Duff, who was a monthly guest at such events. The first Full Moon party was in 1985 and has since been known to draw crowds upwards of 30 000 people; “The more, the merrier,” said Riley. The party is always on the night of, or the night before or after, each month’s full moon. The party carries on until the sun rises the next day. The bars on the sunrise beach of Haad Rin town stay open and play music such as psychedelic trance, R&B, drum and bass,

house, dance, and reggae. “Some of my favourites!” joked Dr. Riley, “What is most exciting are the event’s main attractions which I have always wanted to take partake in but couldn’t giv-

Dr. Riley spoke enthusiastically, “Fire skipping ropes, alcohol ‘buckets’, and the emerging drug culture are all things I look to get a taste of.” “I just want to explore the

arrive at a state of complete selfunderstanding. Having been to Thailand and the Full Moon party, I told Riley to beware of the unscrupulous locals that prey on intoxicated tourists. His re-

en all the establishment-types that crowd my office for most of the year; they wouldn’t understand.” When asked about what these main attraction entailed,

deep tropical jungles while simultaneously exploring the deep enclaves of my mind,” he explained. I told him that there was no better place for one to

sponse, simple and refreshing, “I’m retired. I’ts time for ‘Daddy Riley’ to get some well deserved R&R.” “I’ll tell you, when you get to

be on the wrong side of 50, you start to wonder what you have been missing out on in this big beautiful world, and what I have missed out on is the type of spiritual connection that can be facilitated only by psychedelic drugs, meeting strangers, and reciting poetry with them on warm tropical days on the Thai islands.” Riley gave no indication that anyone would be accompanying him on his trip to south Asia, though did hint at the possibility of bringing someone back, saying, “I have always loved South Asian culture and the women that ensure its continued existence; I think their should be more of that over here.” Dr. Riley is set to depart Aug 5, and has a big red circle around that date on the calendar in his office with the memo reading “Freedom”. He has not booked a return flight, which he explained to me as “why would I book a return flight when I may find my calling over in the tropical Asian islands; no responsibilities, nothing but an open road ahead of me.” He wishes the student body good luck in their endeavours and that they all have a fantastic future because, as he says, “I know I sure will.”

OPINIONS 5

The Xaverian-Volume 122 Issue 15

COMMENTARY OSCAR: FATHER TO ALL THE KITTENS 100% OF KITTENS BORN IN 2013 WERE OSCAR’S CHILDREN CAT STEVENS | Crazy Cat Lady

Oscar, a black and white male cat owned by a bunch of boys at 20 Highland, might just be Antigonish’s most famous cat. It is believed that despite being an outdoor cat, Oscar has no idea where his home actually is, which is why he can be found at any given place throughout the Antigonish County. Oscar’s owners are often blamed for being negligent to their furry roommate, however the blame should not be put on them: Oscar is a sex addict. Whenever Oscar is spotted throughout town, it is most definitely because he’s got his tail set on getting pussy that evening. Sure, he might look cute, but there’s a horny devil inside his fuzzy little body. Cat owners of Antigonish, you better hide your felines and hide your wife, because when Oscar hits the town, he means business, and there’s no way he’s going to let someone find him and take him home until he’s had his needs satisfied. If he was a human, he might be called a nymphomaniac, but as a cat it just makes him awesome. No one knows where he picked up his obsessive sex habits, but rumour has it that he was trapped in the room when one of his owners was having sex and it changed him forever. Cats are gentle souls, but once exposed to the realities of what humans do best, Oscar realized that he too was missing out. Oscar’s sex pursuits have gotten so out of hand that statistics have estimated that approximately 100% of kittens born in Antigonish this year are the product of Oscar’s sexual appetite. This raises a big issue about the future of Antigonish’s feral cats and the possibility of inbreeding, but even more so it raises the question of “will he ever stop?” There are litters upon litters of kittens that all sport Oscar’s trademark black and white fur, and they have become too numerous to count. Not only does it seem that these new baby cats look like Oscar, but the general public is noticing some similar habits of his seen in them as well. Oscar the cat has many more years of breeding left in him, however his kittens are also displaying an inclination to sleep with other cats well before they reach puberty. Kittens can be seen furiously humping each other without even knowing what they are doing, a simple case of monkeysee, monkey-do. From these sightings it can only be concluded that Oscar is not such a great father as he is a womanizer. So if you are walking around campus or town and see Oscar out and about, the choice is yours to either look at him with scorn and disgust or to give him a feline high-five. With the snow melting and more female cats likely to be out and about, we can only suspect that Oscar will be having a very fortuitous spring this year. Nonetheless, when it comes to cats-about-town in Antigonish, it goes without saying that Oscar is the cat’s pajamas.

T his cat is not oscar. But looks like him.

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6 OPINIONS

Thursday, APRIL 3, 2014-The Xaverian

sex with an x social vs. sloppy sex moves that hit close to home

the real breakdown of what’s okay and what’s not

LAURA O’BRIEN | Definitely Not the Sex Columnist

In today’s society, we love to name things that don’t really need a name. Sex of course is not an exception from this, but so often sex moves have names that make absolutely no sense. So to make life a little easier, here are some awesome sex tips and tricks with names that you’ll be sure to remember and recognize. The Nicholson Tower: I’m sure you’ve heard of the Eiffel tower sex move, where two guys have sex with a girl who bends over in between them. The Nicholson Tower is the same idea, only you have to get a prof involved and do it in a room with no windows. The Riley handjob: Everyone can appreciate soft hands during a tug-andrub, but no one has soft hands like Dr. Riley. To mimic that feel of his pillow-like palms, slather your hands in goops of lotion and get them going with minimal friction. The Rita Wrap: This move can be done in the morning or night, and is most effective if your partner is asleep when you begin. Grab as much of the blankets on the bed as you can and begin to roll yourself and your partner up in it like our beloved Rita Wraps. Snuggle and wiggle together until someone comes. The Sub-Exec: Strapped for cash on campus but have no hirable skills? Head on up to fourth floor SUB and apply for SubExec, where you will be put to good use underneath the desks of the U Exec, fulfilling their every need from between their knees. The Take 3 to go: This is the kind of sex where you don’t worry about your partner’s needs. Encourage them to pleasure you over and over again until you’ve taken 3, or 4, or 5, and then quickly leave before they realize that you’re getting more than your fair share. Time is of the essence here; you need to book it out like you’ve just stolen a loaf of bread from meal hall. Whistle Banquet Blowjob: Best day to get a blow job is whistle banquet night, because all the ladies and gentlemen have been blowing on their whistle all night long already. Keep your eyes out for a fancy person in

sneakers and wheel them as best you can. Those whistle-blowing muscles are the same ones that can blow your mind in bed later that night. Big X Spread Eagle: Having sex on the X is basically a right of passage at this school, but its even better if you can keep your bodies in the same shape as the X the whole time. To do this, lay out flat on top of your partner and try to get everything in the right place while maintaining the position. Your bodies will camouflage much easier against the golden X than the dark turf.

SOCIAL

SLOPPY

Hooking up in Schwartz

Hooking up in Nicholson Hall

Sweet-talking the bouncers into Yelling “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” at the letting you into The Inn #wins bouncers at the Pub while vigourously pointing and panting Waking up with donair sauce in your hair, whoops!

Waking up with what could be donair sauce in your hair...

Vicously making out on the dance floor. Steamy.

Hands in someone’s pants anywhere in the bar. Just...go home.

(Speed) walk of shame at 8am.

Walk of shame at 1pm. There’s snow, you’re in a mini skirt... Who you tryin’ to fool?

Drunk texting your ex at 1am Using paper plates for gatherings of friends

Facebook messaging someone at 3:18am. Using Tupperware as a bowl because everything else is dirty.

The Tall and Small: You gotta hook up with a really tall guy/girl and a really small guy/girl in the same day. And then congratulate yourself with a Turkey Pesto.

Making creative concoctions of Eating random ingredients to something whatever is in your fridge and cup- such as a sandwich, separately and in no parboards; cooked, fried, or whatever ticular order after a night out. after a night out.

Service Learning: For class credit in Marketing or Business, start a high quality sex trade business with a harem of hot girls and guys and flaunt them around town. Even better, send your biddies out on a Saturday night at the Pub, watch them get picked up by unsuspecting drunk folk, and then show up with the bill on Sunday morning. Cha-ching.

Striking out at The Inn and proceeding to try your luck at the Pub... a valid thought process.

Using the last little itsy bitsy piece of toliet paper on the roll.

Using the actual empty roll. Resorting to “The Kenny’s Scramble.”

Slurring the occasional word in a long stenuous sentence.

Not realizing you’re unresponsive to hands being waved in your face.

Thoroughly creeping your latest obsession/crush on any and all types of social media

Accidentally liking a photo of them...from 2008.

Moses Coady Boob Grab: Are you ladies feeling lonely lately? Rumour has it if you jump up for a picture with the statue of Moses Coady he’ll be holding you close right in the bosom area. Sure, the marble man might be a little cold, but stone hands are better than no hands! The Pizza Delight: Its not uncommon for people to bring food into the bedroom during sex, but have you ever thought of pizza? Lay it flat out on the bed and get frisky on top, then pick the pepperoni and cheese off your lover– no hands allowed. If you’re a little more kinky than that, try punishing your partner with a slap of pizza across the bum; if that’s not delightful then I don’t know what is. The Mini-Moe’s: Wait in line for what seems like forever only to be grossly disappointed.

T HE XAVERIAN WEEKLY SPOOF ISSUE.

The Xaverian-Volume 122 Issue 15

8 FEATURE

Thursday, APRIL 3, 2014-The Xaverian

THE HEADLINES YOU D FRANKIE MACDONALD HIRED BY STFX AS WEATHER CONSULTANT

MEAL HALL GOES ALL VEGAN

SEAN RILEY TWERKING VIDEO GOES VIR

Mini Moes starts textbook lending program for students who chose coffe

Campus closes yet another overnight parking l

PIPER’S PUB INSTALLS DANCEFLOOR

WELLNESS CENTRE SHAKE WEIGHTS PROVE POPULAR AMONG FROSH TALL AND S

LIBRARY BOOK BURNING BECOMES PLEASANT BEST BU

J.H. GILLIS STUDENT ATTENDS HIGH SCHOOL DANCE PARTY, IS ASHA

YAN TO RELEASE MEAL HALL TELL-ALL ENTITLED “WHIT ‘RITA WRAPS’ REVEALED TO BE REALLY MADE OF RITA

SPLIT CROW PROBED OVER CROW ABUSE COMPLAINT

MARIT

ANTIGONISH MALL CLOSES, NO ONE NOTICES EXCEPT THIRD YEAR STUDENT WH

STUDENT PRONOUNCES ‘XAVERIAN’ CORRECTLY, WINS AWARD LOCAL

ANTIGONISH TOWN COUNCIL CANCELS SUMMER, CITING LACK OF HOPE LOCAL STUDENT JAIL RAMSAY DUFF & CORINNA FITZGERALD RUN AWAY TO TRAIN FOR RIO 2016 IN SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING

FEATURE

The Xaverian-Volume 122 Issue 15

DIDN’T SEE THIS YEAR WELLSPRING TO HOST SPRING SPEED METAL FESTIVAL

Spotted at StFX: run by the NSA? CHEM DEPARTMENT INTRODUCES NARCOTIC SYNTHESIS CURRICULUM: “YOU ALL DO IT ANYWAYS”

RAL YAN LEAVES SODEXO TO PURSUE OPERA DREAMS

ee over mandatory class materials

lot, suggests Walmart for overflow parking ONLINE COURSES TO BE OFFERED VIA CARRIER PIGEONS

HOT TUB JBB TO MAKE WAY FOR NEW TARGET

SMALL RENAMED ‘SHORT AND FAT’ IN RESPONSE TO OBESITY EPIDEMIC

UDDIES CAMPFIRE: THOUSANDS RAISED FOR CHARITY

AMED AT ALL OF US

SEAN RILEY DENIED ROLE IN BROADWAY’S WICKED: BLAMES STRIKE

TE OR BROWN?” XZIBIT PIMPS DRIVE U VAN

IME BUS ARRIVES ON TIME

HO WORKS IN LAWTONS MEAL HALL’s GARy ADMITS LACTOSE INTOLERANCE NEWSPAPER PASSES OFF HEADLINES AS STORY, HOPES NO ONE NOTICES

LED FOR TAKING FOUR DURING TAKE THREE MEAL HALL HUSTLE SPARKS SODEXO RIOTS

THE WHEEL ROLLS AWAY

10 CULTURE

Thursday, APRIL 3, 2014-The Xaverian

CulturAL THINGS the great pigeon war of 1998 the explanation behind the haunting noises coming from the walls of the library LANA ‘BANANA’ WINTERS | Pigeon Enthusiast & Asylum Survivor

The Xaverian family is a very real and tangible thing. Despite our individual differences we come together to form a school community. The differences that would otherwise divide us give us strength, and shared beliefs and an inquisitive spirit unite us. All members of the present Xaverian community all have one unconditional thing in common, a question that plagues us all: “What the hell is that super annoying screeching noise that goes on and on and on and on that you can hear so exceptionally well when you are walking in between Morrison hall and the Library that you can even hear from inside the library and apparently from miles away and probably even space?” Well, this is a question that this intrepid journalist has been wondering for years. After months of research I was able to unearth some dark secrets that haunt the school’s past. Back in 1998 the StFX campus was completely overrun by pigeons, whose

collective nest was located on the roof of the Angus L. MacDonald library. According to David Kirkpatrick, a representative of Environment Canada, the pigeon population exceeded 150, 000. Kirkpatrick explains that this was actually a record number of pigeons concentrated in such a small area in North America, outside of New York City. “It was like nothing I had ever seen,” said Kirkpatrick, ”it was just a sea of grey feathers everywhere. When they all took off it was deafening, and it looked like it was snowing everyday because of the feathers they shed.” That summer the school administration, in cooperation with the Town of Antigonish, decided to bring in an invasive species of crows to get rid of the pigeon overpopulation. They hoped that this aggressive species of crow would crowd out the area by exceeding the carrying capacity of the local environment, and that the less resilient pigeon species would dwindle. They also assumed that the crows would reduce in numbers

after the pigeon population had decreased, because of a limited food supply and infighting between alpha males. Unfortunately, they were wrong. The evidence of this catastrophe is evident to anyone who walks around the campus in the evening. Although the plan initially worked and the pigeon population declined, the crow population did not.

Instead they formed some sort of semi-intelligent social cohesion over time due to emergence and a mutual need for sustenance, explains Kirkpatrick. This is still visible today; roaming bands of crows still ravage the local ecosystem looking for food, and coalesce around the Mount, their traditional home. The pigeon population lives on too, although in

another incarnation, and an altogether different medium. The sound that passersby hear emanating from the walls of the Angus L. MacDonald library are the collective screams, cries, and squawks of pigeons long since deceased. The sound is in fact the protests of those pigeon’s spirits, deploring the injustice of Great Pigeon War of 1998, as it is locally known.

schwartz golden dome made of melted x-rings Unemployed graduates discarded x-rings put to good use WILLIAM MILLER | Trying to be famous

The golden dome that tops the roof of the Gerald Schwartz School of Business has recently drawn attention after the source of gold has been released. The solid gold structure was created out of thousands of melted x-rings of StFX graduates who never gained employment. Unwanted X-Rings were donated over the years before the construction of Schwartz, and now serve as a beautiful reminder to all students that their X-Rings will be able to serve a purpose, even if that purpose is not to themselves. “Now those X-Rings are involved in a cycle. The golden dome above Schwartz looks great and attracts future students because of the beautiful infrastructure. The more students that are enrolled often equals more unemployed

graduates, thus allowing for more discarded X-Rings and more golden encrusted buildings. Not only that but this process promoted recycling, so its very eco-friendly. Overall, it’s a win win situation.” explains building consultant, Tracy Crow. The unemployed graduates have discarded their X-Rings out of frustration after not being able to find adequate jobs the years following their graduation. Once the left behind X-Rings began piling up, it was decided that there should be safe discard bins across campus for people to appropriately dispose of their X-Rings. This way, the disposed of X-Rings can be reused in a practical way. “After years of searching for employment, and begging that

my x-ring held magical powers that would help me find a job, I realized that it was useless. Now, I can discard my X-Ring safely and is can be used to make campus look more attractive. I feel as though I’ve done the right thing, now the gold from my X-Ring can be enjoyed,” says StFX graduate Mayla Pigeon. In the future, the number of discarded X-Rings is expected to increase. New safe drop off locations for unwanted X-Rings are being created to stretch across the country. This is good news for Nicholson Tower, with its impending renovations occurring in 2015. The renovation planners are hopeful that over the next few months, enough X-Rings will be collected to cover Nicholson tower completely in gold.

EAT PIZZA FOR SUSTINENCE

CULTURE

The Xaverian-Volume 122 Issue 15

Humans of antigonish: Spirit new ideas for the inn, brough to you by an inn-sider RON BURGANDY | Kind of a Big Deal

Just like that classic rock song says, at university “everybody’s working for the weekend”. At StFX , everybody knows that the weekend is all about the party, and if you live on campus, the closest place to enjoy the party is at the Golden X Inn. This establishment does great business during the weekend, but in order to keep business going, they offfer several special programs throughout the week. Currently, there’s Wing Night Wednesdays and Mug Club Thursdays. Recently, however, I met up with someone who had exciting news to share about the future of The Inn. Due to an outstanding non-disclosure agreement, he didn’t want me to reveal his name and playfully suggested that I could refer to him as The Spirit of StFX instead. ? The Xav: So how are you involved with the Golden X Inn? Spirit: I’ve been hired to plan special events and offers throughout the week in the upcoming years in order to increase business. Ideally, we’d like to see the Inn open seven days a week. But for that, we need events to draw people in.

I’ve proposed three new programs so far — Sabbath Sundays, Mac Mondays, and Top-up Tuesdays. ? The Xav: Can you tell me a little bit about these programs? Spirit: Absolutely! Sabbath Sundays — this is my personal favourite — works by same principle as St. Patrick’s Day. If it seems like everybody’s Irish on St. Patty’s day, then everybody and their neighbour is a Catholic on Sundays. I think that this will really help to bring about a more social, family-oriented atmosphere to this establishment. Nothing brings the family together like enjoying a nice cold pint after mass. Mac Mondays seemed like a no-brainer to me. Half of the people in Antigonish have a last name that starts with Mac, and three of the biggest party residences begin with Mac. We’re really hoping that this will draw in the MacIsaac crowd in particular, since they are always looking for a party. Finally, we made an effort to listen to the student’s demands for Top-up Tuesdays. In addition to becoming fully integrated with the DCB system that students use at other venues across

campus, we’re offering a rewards program that will offer students discounts on their drinks. For every drink that students buy using their DCB at The Inn, they will be given rewards points. Once students accumulate enough points, they are eligible to redeem them at the end of every Tuesday night. This could mean a deduction from their bill, or if they have enough points accumulated, even a free bill by the end of the night. The more you use your DCB, the more you save! The Xav: Aren’t you worried that these programs might encourage unhealthy attitudes towards drinking? Spirit: No, I’m not worried. You see, I’m a moral relativist. People shy away from that term, but all it means is that I think everyone needs to decide for himself what right and wrong is. Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with trying to support a local business and provide an enjoyable atmosphere for students. If people decide to abuse that, that’s their decision, not mine. I can’t be held responsible for other people’s decisions. There are always going to be the ones

who decide to drink every night, but there are also people who work all weekend and want to relax on a Monday night. Student’s schedules are incredibly diverse and as an establishment, we need to be versatile enough to meet their demands.

shnominations stfx student tries to steer the nomination bandwagon in a better direction VERONICA CORNINGSTONE | Also kind of a big deal

Anyone who is connected to social media will have realized that there is an epidemic sweeping the newsfeeds of students everywhere, even here at StFX. Yes, I am talking about those infectious nominations that compel students to go out of their way to do things that they would not otherwise do. They can be social media campaigns to raise awareness for causes from cancer to Steve Buscemi. Students here at StFX are looking to start their own trend. Laura Starkey, a 3rd year Devel-

opment Studies student living in Lane, came up with the idea for another type of nomination. While watching Diamonds are Forever, she realized that she wanted to bring a long forgotten iconic figure back into the public consciousness to promote a worthy cause. Inspired by the movie, she decided on Sean Connery, and wanted to use his fame to raise awareness about inhumane, unsustainable and ecologically unsound diamond mining practices in Africa. To promote this worthy cause,

nominees will have to speak like Sean Connery from sunrise to sunset for a week. Starkey said that the idea was initially kind of a joke between her and her classmates, but soon developed into a real movement as other students started nominating each other. “It gaining popularity, so I needed to come of with a name. One of my friends who had been nominated said ‘nominations’ in conversation in the Sean Connery voice, so we decided to call them ‘Shnominations.’ That’s what it

sounded like when he said it. The name just kind of stuck.” Although she encourages participants to talk like Connery for seven full days after they are nominated, she says that she understands if people would want to settle for the fiveday business week. Participants are also permitted to skip weekends and birthdays. Starkey hopes that people will nominate their friends at home and their family members to spread the word, the word of Sean.

some soft and seemingly arrhythmic clicks, and then two staccato notes in quick succession, followed by silence and disparate percussive sounds. After listening to it for 18 hours, I believe that it can be counted out in 129 over 3. Imagine that it has the polyrhythmic feel of Dawn of Midi, divided in half, raised to the power of 17 and then multiplied by the distance from Earth to the Moon. Have a listen and decide for youself! More segments are anticipated be released in the coming weeks. Whatever these guys put out, I know for

sure that I am going to love it. The Xaverian office is buzzing with anticipation.

“never been heard b4” stfx music students try to make the unheard KENT BROCKMAN | Springfield Reporter

This summer some musically adventurous StFX music students are looking accomplish something completely revolutionary. In a release from the Music Department’s Twitter, Adam ‘AJ’ Dobbelsteyn, a music student at StFX let slip that there was a music project in the works that was a collaboration between students and professors. He asserted that it was going to be something that had “never been heard b4.” When asked for an interview, he denied the request, but hinted that a sampler of the project would be out

shortly. Last week the beginning of a track was released from an website engineered specifically to accommodate for the ultra-high quality, noncompressed track. It was released in Pono format, pioneered by non-other than Neil Young. Upon listening to the preview snippet, your senses will be affronted by loud, deafening, all-encompassing silence. Or so you think. The album preview, rumored to be 1/15th of the full length of the one-track, continuous play album, is 43.26 minutes long. If you listen carefully, you will hear

12 CULTURE

Thursday, APRIL 3, 2014-The Xaverian

POW: PIECE OF THE WEEK THE ENIGMATIC LATEST ENTRY SEAMUS WILSON | Contributor

On the right you can see my you can see my contribution to this week’s edition of the Xaverian. With this piece I wanted to draw upon the legacy of the famous Andy Warhol, the master of pop-art. His pieces of famous icons made him famous but I prefer to look at his techniques. His use of stencils and colour are intriguing. I wanted to replicate this in this image. In this case the image is black and white because the limitations of this medium. I assure you that the letters ‘P O W’ are a vibrant red on a teal blue background. The stripes are the blue of the Xaverian. I did this on purpose. The letters P O W can represent many things. In this piece they are meant to symbolize two very different things at once. P O W can be an acronym for ‘Piece of the Week’ like this segment which appears in the Xaverian now and then. P O W can also mean ‘Prisoner of War.’For this reason I chose to make the letters blood red. the letters are trapped by the

restraining and oppressive darker blue streaks that pierce and cover up parts of red letters. It holds back the letters as they try and move forward and escape to the right of the frame. The teal background is meant to represent the serenity of peacetime. This blue is the blue of United Nations peace keeping missions. It is covered up and obscured by fog of war and conflict. The dark blue streaks are meant to recall camouflage motifs, anf represent war and conflict. They can also represent the limitations and limiting qualities of print media and of the media in general. This is why they are the blue colour of the Xaverian. From left to right the time unfolds. The left shows a past obscured by war and conflict. P in this instace, is for ‘Past.’ The center of the frame is ‘O,’ which represents the globe. The globe is divided by globalization into two colours. They represent the globe divided into a global north and global south. Its is pierced by war and conflict. Still, it charges forward into the future

after the ‘W.’ The ‘W’ is unobscured by war and conflict as it zooms into the future. The frame ends on the right because the future is unforeseeable. Nevertheless, the ‘W’ pursues it eagerly. The ‘W’ stand for World which is no longer mired in conflict.

For these reasons, the peice is titled “Direction: Past to Present.” Overall it is an optimistic peice that remembers a dark past and looks forward to a bright future.

POW and online at www. xaverian.ca

If you would would like to see Seamus’ work keep checking

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? stfx is covering up some undesirable sightS ON WWW.STXF.CA/MAP/ CAPTAIN X | Mascot on steroids

SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT 10 THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE 1. __________________ 2. __________________

3. __________________ 4. __________________

5. __________________ 6. __________________

7. __________________ 8. __________________

9. __________________ 10. __________________

DISTRACTIONS 13

The Xaverian-Volume 122 Issue 15

DiZZZZZZtractions K BENT: Editor/Provocateur/Tall child

FIVE STFX FACTS YOU DIDN’T KNOW 1. Morisson Hall is named after Dr. Riley’s childhood dog, Morisson 2. There is a facilities management staff member that was in the final GREASE dance sequence 3. On average 9 X-rings get accidently swallowed per year 4. The “Smile you’re at X” was painted by Aaron Doucette

SHOCKING

5. Directly underneath the X football field is where they buried the Blue Nun

ANTIGONISH xRATED President or Super Hero? The new president of StFX has been chosen, and rumors are swirling about Kent MacDonald. One such story that has been the topic of much gossip is the inexplicable resemblance of Dr. MacDonald and our new mascot, Captain X. This poses the question, was it fate Dr. Kent MacDonald was chosen? Is he the new super hero of Antigonish? Perhaps the designer of our new mascot is psychic and knew to model Captain X after the future leader of this great school. There are no definitive answers to these swirling speculations, some of which we may never know. But look upward in the next coming months; you may see a caped Dr. MacDonald flying high above Nicholson Tower, protecting us Xaverians from the wrath of Monday 8:15s. By: Kurt Brothers

FAST FOOD DEMOLITION Slow Students Prompt Shutdown Recently a decision has been made to deconstruct the famous James Street fast food stretch. Complaints have been brought forth by Antigonish locals in regards to the high concentration of sweat pant clad university students wondering the streets at unnecessary hours of the night in hot pursuit of the golden arch. One Antigonisher exclaimed “While driving my son to Walmart we were overrun by a pack of these young adults, he pointed out the window to one of the students promptly calling them a walker. It needs to be fixed.” It has been passed that places such as McDonalds, A&W and Tim Horton’s will be torn down and in their stead a permanent farmers market which will provide local produce and other goods all year. Not only will this reverse the exponentially increasing number of overweight Xaverians, but also will benefit the local population by allowing them to sell their goods year round. Hopefully this will end what is slowly turning into an X-weighted apocalypse.

Comic By Emma Dys-Art

CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT: SEAN RILEY, OBAMA, KENT MACDONALD & YAN

SPORTS AND HEALTH

the back pages The new man in town

BATHROOM HORROR

Mystery shrouds st FX’s new hire

THE FLUSH THAT KEEPS ON FLUSHING

RITA SKEETER | Magical Correspondent

LOIS LANE | Distressed Damsel

On March 21, the new president of StFX was announced. Dr Kent McDonald, a StFX alum, seems like a great choice for the position:He was born and raised in Nova Scotia. He has attended StFX not once, but twice, completing both his undergrad and his Masters of Education here in Antigonish. He has been involved with the administration of Ottawa’s Algonquin College for over sixteen years, serving as Dean of Business, VP Student Services, VP Academic, and President. He shares his name with one of the oldest residences on campus. His website hasn’t been updated since January. Despite this glowing profile, The Xaverian smelt something fishy with the choice of Dr MacDonald for the university’s new president. Why did it take them so long to choose him? Why was he better than the other candidates? Does he care that Algonquin has “mixed feelings” about his departure, a sentiment they shared with the student body in their announcement of his departure from the Capital? The Xaverian sent in an undercover reporter to find out.

After infiltrating the college through the School of Hospitality, our intrepid reporter made an astonishing discovery: There is no Dr Kent McDonald. It appears that this wonderful man, seemingly tailor made for the position of President of StFX, isn’t actually a man at all. “Oh, yeah, he’s definitely a hologram,” said Alfie Robertson, head of Algonquin’s TSG. “He’s not even that great of a hologram, really,” Robertson continued, “I’ve got my guys in at least once a week to fix his flicker.” This startling revelation led to further probing of the situation. By teaming up with Enbridge and faking a gas leak, therefore evacuating the college, our intrepid reporter was able to access the Algonquin personnel files. Dr MacDonald’s file was not helpful. The only information our intrepid reporter could decipher was the hologram’s default software (Windows 8, which explains the flicker. Holograms are not meant to run on a touch-based platform). The interesting information was found in the file attached to Dr MacDonald’s, belonging to a mysteriously named ‘Francis X.’ After some digging, a few pointed questions, an ill-timed pancake breakfast, and a lot of bribes, our intrepid reporter was able to find out the truth about Francis X. “He’s not just one guy,” said a member of X’s inner circle, who wished to remain anonymous, “he’s a whole group of people, bent on improving academic and campus life, one school at a time.” Little is known about Francis X’s actions. The only information our intrepid reported managed to uncover was about Francis X’s Al-

gonquin campaign. Over the past few years, the college has upgraded its residence, facilities, and programming, which took Algonquin from a middle-of-the-road Ontario college to a respected place of learning with a student oriented, modern campus. The organization’s name changes with each new institution it takes on, adopting the moniker “Al Gonquin” during its time at the college. Rumoured plans for StFX include a renovation to all outdated instructional buildings, an upgrade to residence facilities in order to bring all rooms on campus up to New Res standards, and an entirely new SUB, which promises to be more technology friendly, comfortable, and full of natural light. Francis X also plans to make changes to StFX’s course offerings, basing their decisions heavily on the wants and needs of the students. “The main goal of Francis X is to make colleges and universities the best they can be, so they can give students the best education and experience possible. In order to do that, they needed an honest spokesperson who cared more about the student’s education than the school’s profit margins. They couldn’t find that person, so they created Dr MacDonald,” said a source close to the group, “They couldn’t find anyone like that, so they created Dr MacDonald.” Will Francis X be able to restore StFX University to its former glory? It is impossible to tell at this point, but after months of investigating this story, our intrepid reporter only had this to say: “In Francis X we trust.”

Ladies, I think we've all been there. We've all experienced the shock, the terror, the misunderstanding of walking into the dreaded third stall of the Nicholson Hall second floor bathroom. It's an experience no male will understand: the toilet. You know the one. The one that never stops flushing...like ever. Facilities Management has tried time and time again to solve the issue of the neverending flush, but it just keeps coming back. They plunge, tinker, and replace pieces on the toilet, but it never ceases to quit. Students in all years of study often find themselves grasped in its wrath, whether before their 8:15 or after their evening O-Chem. Most of us have only seen the stall empty, with students too afraid to intervene. And this is rightfully so, as the terrors of the terrible toilet are worse than ever before. Unbeknownst to the majority of us here at StFX, a tragedy happened in Nicholson Hall in the spring of 1994. On March 28th, Michelle de Bain, a young mother of four was working with StFX janitorial services. Three hours into her twelve hour night shift in Nicholson, the young custodian was killed after suffering a blunt blow to the rear of her head when she was struck by the MacIsaac whale bone. Two mischievous Acadia students spent the evening of the 28th reeking havoc on their rival school's campus, beginning in MacIsaac Hall. The

fourth year Axe Men entered Mac with intentions of stealing the residence's beloved whale bone. The pair then proceeded into Nicholson Hall to steal a wall clock from the building and bring home to Wolfville. Upon the realization of the building's apparent lack of wall clocks, the pair decided to graffiti the second floor girls' bathroom instead. It happened that Mrs. de Bain was bent over the toilet in the third stall, scrubbing the porcelain throne. The two students, afraid of being caught in the act proceeded to strike Mrs. de Bain with the whale bone, killing her upon impact. The late custodian has haunted the third stall in the second floor bathroom since her tragic death. With this spring marking the twentieth anniversary of the event, the stall is more haunted now than ever. Much like Moaning Myrtle from the Harry Potter series, Michelle de Bain can be heard screaming MacIsaac cheers late at night, terrorizing current Facilities Management employees in their attempt to stop the constant flush. Conspiracy theories have erupted in the twenty years since her death with students and staff speculating on how to deal with the issue. Some say the problem will be solved with the introduction of new StFX President Kent MacDonald this fall, while others believe it will take a MacIsaac BurMac win to fix the issue, but no one knows for sure how to end the second floor scandal.

dict that the two broken ribs he suffered are nothing compared to the emotional trauma that will have a long lasting effect on the first year student. Close friend and eye witness of the incident, Lily Scherbatsky has been at Stinson’s side since arriving at the hospital the day before. “He’s already having trouble dealing with the embarrassment of it all, but he really has nothing to be embarrassed about. I mean, we have all been there, we all know how heavy those doors are. It was only a matter of time before

they seriously injured someone. Luckily it was rush hour and enough people were able to join together to pull the door off of him.” Stinson is now home and recovering from the incident, physically and emotionally. He has high spirits and hopes that the accident will shed some light on the structural problems that plague campus entrance ways. “I just want to thank everyone for their support during this whole ordeal, and hope we can all learn something from this.”

mini moe’s woes First year student suffers serious injury after being crushed by doors ZOE BARNES | Victim of Frank Underwood It’s no secret that doors at the Mini Moe’s are far too heavy to be necessary. Like, ridiculously heavy. First year student Ted Stinson knows all too well the dangers that come with such a poorly designed entrance. Earlier this week, after waiting way too long to pay way too much for a subpar bagel and “coffee”, Stinson made the mistake of trying to sneak through the cafe doors that had been left open by the person in front of him. “I really thought I could make it in time. I don’t know what I was thinking,”

Stinson commented. The problem stemmed from the awkwardly timed automatic door. Pushing the automatic button will cause the door to stay open for far more time needed for a single person to pass through the doorway, but only enough time for two people to get through if the second person puts on a serious hustle. “I saw that the door was starting to close, but with a bagel in one hand and a cup of brown sludge in the other, I knew if I hurried, I could avoid the awkward hit bump manoeuvre to hit

the automatic door button.” But Stinson had misjudged his timing and was caught in the door with no free hand to brace himself. We caught up with Stinson at St. Martha’s Hospital the next day to ask him about the incident. “The doors close so slowly, but somehow it all happened so fast, The weight of the door was unbelievable and overpowered me immediately. It felt like I was a car being crushed by one of those things that turns cars into cubes.” The road to recovery will be a long one. Stinson’s doctors pre-

SPORTS & HEALTH 15

The Xaverian-Volume 122 Issue 15

dropping the gloves in midst of another strike, administration set to face faculty on ice PIERRE MACGUIRE | Bald Man, Hockey Analyst

The StFX campus has been in shambles of late. A winter that seemingly has no end in sight has driven many students to hermit levels of seclusion. The collapse of the roof at the Wheel Pizza Shop has led to a number of riots at rival business, Kenny’s Pizza, who have not been able to meet the overwhelming demand of drunken students emerging in waves from the bars. Nothing, however, has caused as much disruption as the school’s faculty going on strke for the second time in as many years. While they have been under fire for a lack of flexibility during negotiations, from a sports perspective, the closing of doors could not have come at a better time for the StFX Administration Recreation League Hockey team, the Golden Domez. The team, somehow allowed to participate in a students recreation league, got off to a slow start this season, but have managed to claw their way into a playoff spot, finishing fifth in the league. They eked out a win through the first round of the playoffs, but have now to face their largest test, and one that comes with large motivation factor. In the team’s next round, they face the Faculty side, and will be taking their negotiation table frustration to the ice.

Another anomalous entry into the league, the Faculty team has dominated the league, going a perfect 10-0-0 in the regular season to claim the top seed entering the playoffs. “We know what we’re up against,” said VP Advancement Tim Lang, captain of the Domez. “These guys are a bunch of bastards, they’ve got us over a barrel right now in negotiations, so we’re looking to come out hard and fast, and let them know this is going to be different. Plus we got Kent now, and he’s a bruiser.” The intensity of the administration team, admittedly, cannot be overstated. They’re looking forward to the upcoming strike, scheduling six weekly practices during the now empty fall semester, and have being pulling rank in order to clear out the Wellness Center in order to get their swell on. Some observers have even come to question whether the difficulty in negotiations that led to the strike is related to the administration’s desire to place more focus on their playoff run. Whether or not there is any truth to this, the Domez are taking full advantage of the students to better their chances at the coveted Rec league cup.

Health tip of the week

in this feature, we ask one random person on the street for a health or nutrition tip that will help you reach some sort of change in your body. not necessarily a good one... Name: nick beerd Sport: I play Madden 14 every day position: omniscent controller Academic program: not enrolled. “contrary to popular belief, the best thing you can do for your body is stay stagnant. the amount of intellectual working out students do in a day is more than enough exercise, and your body needs to rest.”

ABOUT TO HEAD INTO THE PUB AND FEELING SMALL? LEAVING THE PUB ALONE BECAUSE YOU’RE OUT OF SHAPE? YOU’RE IN LUCK!! GOODLIFE IS NOW OFFERING DRUNK WORKOUTS ON FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS BETWEEN 10 PM AND 3 AM!! Our experienced staff will help you handle our newly padded weights as you make a last ditch effort to make yourself feel good before heading into the madness that is Piper’s Pub! Just across the street, we can also hold you through any length of emotional breakdown while you second guess your life choices! Feeling blue leaving the Pub? Skip the trip to Kenny’s and get stronger to avoid the same thing happening next weekend! Cost: Whatever amount of money you drunkenly thrust at us!! No appointment needed, stumble-ins accepted..

Big Changes scheduled for wellness center those looking to bulk up, or slim down, excited about announced alterations RICK “IRON” McGOO | I lift a lot

For its size, the Wellness Centre, StFX’s on-campus gym, attracts a large and extremely diverse crowd on a daily basis. Its convenience, not to mention the fact that it is free for students, attracts people in all shapes and sizes. However, changes have been announced to the layout and equipment stock that might turn away some regulars. The staff at the Wellness Centre conducted a survey every hour on the hour for a period of a month, recording which pieces of equipment and machinery are in use. Their hope was to determine which items in the gym are lesser used, with the intention of replacing these with the more popular ones. A staggering amount of data was collected by the employees, most of whom are enrolled in the Human Kinetics program here at StFX, which they kindly asked a business student

to “put into an excel thing” so it could be analyzed easier. The results of this painstaking progress were quite unsurprising for anyone who has visited the gym recently, although they will be leading to sizable changes at the Wellness Center. All of the random machines in the middle area, so coveted by the new girl at the gym, as well as the friendly elderly gentlemen who frequent in the early hours of the morning, are being replaced by more dumbbell racks and cardio machines. Staff quickly realized that 97% of people who visited the Wellness Center were not using any of the machines available, except as an inanimate object to stretch with, or to balance their iPods on while they fixed their shorts. When asked about the change, Head of the Wellness Center, that guy in that office, was adamant that this

was the best thing for the gym. “Those machines are really just there for people to feel like they are doing something. I don’t even know what half of them are supposed to do. Most people just sit on them usually.” He was confident that “two or three” extra dumbbell racks would be put to good use, as it would allow those who feel the need to have three different sets of weights with them to not be bothered when people ask if they are using all of those weights, something they usually have to take their headphones out for. “I think it is just gonna make going to the gym easier for everyone,” said one young man, who clearly frequented the place quite often. “I’m glad they’re bringing in more treadmills and stepmasters, because those are really the only reason why girls come in here anymore.” Some have been less enthusiastic

about the alterations, but Wellness Center staff are committed to making a change that benefits the vast majority of its users. “I’m sure we will lose a couple people to Goodlife, but that is a risk we are willing to take,” said the head of the gym. “We’re still only gonna have one bench press, of course, cause there is nothing more entertaining than watching some hulking guy waiting for some kid to finish his twenty reps of the bar alone.” There has been discussion regarding the fate of the open area where people often use mats to perform core exercises and stretching, as many believe that those will be the next to go. For now, however, the staff are remaining with the aforementioned changes, and they hope to see fewer people coming to the gym and lying down on the leg extension machine to watch Sportscenter.

Thursday, APRIL 3, 2014-The Xaverian