Waiting at the Crosswalk since 1895
VOLUME 139 ISSUE 1 APRIL 2022
@XAVERIANWEEKLY
Town to Officially Recognize Liquor Lane ISABELLE VAUTOUR
It was recently announced that the town of Antigonish would officially be recognizing the trail connecting StFX to Church Street as Liquor Lane. The trail has famously been dubbed “Liquor Lane” as it provides a direct path from campus to the complex that houses NSLC as well as several other shops. The trail is often frequented by students as well as community members for ease of access to said shops and, of course, NSLC. In a recent interview with mayor Laurie Boucher, she said that it was only a matter of time before the town officially recognized Liquor Lane as the legitimate name of the trail and that it was time for community members to get onboard with the idea. The decision comes after the town of Antigonish’s coun-
cil voted 4-3 to officially approve the renaming. The town will be hosting a ceremony on Saturday, March 26th to plant the official signs with Liquor Lane’s new name. Refreshments will be provided, and various local news networks have been invited to attend, as well as the university’s administration. The ceremony will begin at 2 p.m. with the unveiling of the new street signs and will close at 4 p.m. Mayor Boucher is expected to make a statement as well as Dr. Hakin. The ceremony is sure to be interesting and all are encouraged to attend.
pected to pave Liquor Lane and fix the potholes so that it can be more enjoyable to all who walk there. The projects involving Liquor Lane are just a few on a list of improvements approved by the town for the StFX campus, with more expected later on in the year. While the decision will no doubt cause controversy, especially with some of the older residents of Antigonish, it was a long time coming and students around campus will surely appreciate the change.
In the following months, the town is also ex-
StFX Student Becomes Niche Micro-Influencer for New “Anti-Hangover” Cure KRISTINA DANYK
In the wake of St. Patrick’s Day weekend, a StFX student has gained thousands of followers after promoting a new anti-hangover solution. The student claims the drink to be a cure-all and demonstrated its effectiveness by vlogging their experience on their Instagram page Thursday through Sunday. Viewers of this livestream were able to see the miracles this new drink offered. Students watched as their peer had a weekend out on the town and, to the envy of many, woke up fine the next morning. The shock was palpable, most unable to believe the sight before them and expressing their astonishment in the live chat. Soon it became clear that the miracle really was because of the product the student was promoting, and their page gained followers by the hundreds. This shocking phenomenon was soon spread beyond StFX’s campus. The news first reached Acadia before spreading to Dalhousie, Queen’s, and Western University. From there, it was not long until the whole of Canada’s student population had seen clips
from the StFX student’s livestream. This caught the company’s attention, and they quickly reached out to the new micro-influencer. When asked about the deal they were able to cut with the company for the continuing promotion of the product, the student did not disclose the amount, only joking that it was “enough to pay for my next few benders.” Coming in a quantity of only a shot or two, the product’s slogan hits the nail on the head, promoting it as “small but mighty.” After the exponential boom in sales, scientists are looking into what combination of ingredients could produce such effective results. The company, however, is keeping their recipe under wraps. In a recent interview with the Chief Research Officer, the woman stated that, “although we know many have put in offers to buy our formulas, we will continue to maintain our control over the creation of our product.” The ‘many’ the woman referred to include local breweries as well as companies such as the Atlantic Superstore, Nike, and Microsoft.
Although they are keeping the formulation secret, the company is allowing the product to be retailed out through other businesses. After seeing an increase in student productiveness and efficiency throughout the week as students are able to get up earlier and spend less time in recovery, the StFX administrative staff have decided to make the product available for purchase at all food services on campus, including Morrison Hall and The Inn. Additionally, the student-turned-micro-influencer will have a table at Antigonish’s farmer’s market every Saturday morning, now starting bright and early. The success of this student only shows the intuition and determination of students here at StFX. These amazing young people can put their best foot forward and stamp their mark on the world, leaving it a better place than it was before they came into it. This event should inspire others to reach for their goals, showing that it is not always as impossible as one might think
Mystery Pantser Strikes Campus RICHARD N. CIDER
Imagine if you will that you are walking to class one morning. You stop on the corner next to Starbucks and wave to a friend. When you begin your trek up the treacherous Mulroney steps, you suddenly trip. You notice, as you catch yourself, passersby stare and laugh at you, some even pull out their phones and record videos or take pictures of you. Assessing yourself, you realize your pants are around your ankles—you have been pantsed. This exact scenario and similar situations have occurred at StFX in recent weeks. These pantsing events happen without warning or notable calling cards from whatever person (or even group of persons) is behind this. They happen out of the blue at any time and place inside or outdoors, but always in crowded areas. Based on social media posts and word of mouth, it appears no less than one hundred community members of StFX have fallen victim to these pantsings. Students who have been pantsed have claim these
events have made them tardy to classes, turned them into laughing stocks, and induced general paranoia. “I never expected anyone would find out I go commando,” said one student. “I chipped a tooth because my pants made me trip,” said another.
seconds of each other. However, investigators have dismissed any possibilities of supernatural involvement. It is more likely that an underground group of pantser has formed among the StFX community and seeks to wreak havoc throughout the remainder of this semester, and possibly for years to come.
These pantsings have not been limited to students. One professor (who will go unnamed) lectured for a full hour before realizing he too had been pantsed. “I was wondering why everyone seemed so chatty today,” he said. “They kept snickering and pulling out their phones. I didn’t pay any attention until an hour in, which is when I noticed the breeze around my legs.”
Campus safety recommends students penguin shuffle back-to-back when traversing campus. Walmart has also offered a discount on all suspenders for pants in order to help quell the rash of pantsings. Some innovative students have fastened razorblades to the waistbands of their pants to prevent their own pantsings.
As stated prior, it is unknown if these pantsings are to blame on a singular perpetrator or organized gangs of pantsers. One leading theory is that this mystery pantser has superhuman speed or the ability of teleportation, thus allowing them to pants more than one person within
Until next time, keep your eyes peeled, remain vigilant, and don’t get caught with your pants down.
NEWS
Editor: Halle Cordingley Contact: xw.eic@stfx.ca
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A New Strain Detected ETHAN SABATELLA
Just when Nova Scotia’s provincial restrictions on COVID-19 loosened, it seems a new strain has been detected worldwide. Medical experts are dubbing this new strain as “Coulromalaise”, but it has gained the popular moniker of “Clown-rona” among millennials and gen-z. Symptoms of this strain include extreme paleness in the skin, swelling and redness in the nose, a vibrant change of hair color ranging from all colors of the rainbow, dulling of pain receptors, and sudden, painful swelling in the feet. People infected with this new strain also experience deep psychological effects; many find everything amusing or attempt to make others laugh through comedic antics or jokes. It appears that those who do laugh at these displays are ten times more susceptible to being infected
with Coulromalaise. This psychosis has led to many infected by this strain to resist quarantine attempts. Small pockets of infected now rove cities and neighborhoods in groups of what many are calling “Literally Insane Clown Posses.” These groups will purposefully infect lone victims and add to their numbers. Police attempts to quell these Posses has been met with heavy resistance; one riot squad was infected by a salvo of seltzer water mixed with contagious fluids, a patrol car managed to detain a staggering fifty infected people in one vehicle, and police batons prove to be ineffective as the infected simple twist them into objects resembling balloon animals.
No reports of the Coulromalaise strain have been filed among the StFX campus or community of Antigonish. However, it is important as always to be vigilant when it comes to COVID-19. If you or someone you know has been acting rather goofy, it is important to get tested immediately and contain yourself at all costs. This is no laughing matter.
5 More Starbuck’s to Open on Campus AIDAN AHERN
In light high volumes of student and local traffic at the Starbucks by the library, an extraordinary total of five more Starbucks is planned to be on campus by 2024-2025 graduating class. This development, now past the initial rumour stage, is what some are calling a “green spread”. It is expected to take effect beginning in the upcoming months. Having a Starbucks on campus is an invaluable asset. And, the first new confirmed location – on the 4th floor of the library itself – is further sensible. One staffer at the library, whose name is preferred not to be disclosed, comments, “grease stains from the variety of egg sandwiches is a hazard to-be-expected, but we can tolerate the matcha lattes.” English students who frequent the 4th floor’s catalogues on Woolf and Blake are pleased to hear of the addition, but the question of ashtrays remains contentious.
The second of the five new locations (of whose specs only three remain confirmed) is what has been dubbed the ‘Starbucks bypass’, connecting Mulroney-East to the not-yet-constructed building where Lane Hall used to be. Undoubtedly, it will be the most ambitious architectural feat – figuratively and spatially, next to Mulroney – that StFX can expect to see in the current epoch. Construction is tentatively expected to finish in the spring of 2025, and is going to affect traffic on Notre Dame Avenue, and parking for some time. The location of the third (Mulroney West) is shorter in scale, taking the place of the store at the bottom floor. It will make for a more dynamic atmosphere in Mulroney, between students and customers stopping through. The strategy for having four Starbucks in such close proximity is currently unclear. But, at the surface, anyway, it appears to be an effort to wade out the high traffic
at the one already up by the library. The remaining two locations have yet to be disclosed. In peripheral news, the psychology department comments that the upcoming developments could be negative in terms of student health, but (potentially) fruitful in terms of student-conducted research concerning the effects of caffeine and concentrated brand exposure. In other news, the athletic team names X-men and X-women are to be updated to the X Mermaids and X Mermen next year. And, talk on The Wheel’s plan to close permanently is developing rapidly beyond the annual rumours. Although there is no connection, the outdoor sign at The Inn is looking more turquoise than ever. Stay tuned for more updates.
Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively to Attend a Photograph and Signing Event Hosted at the Coady Institute KRISTINA DANYK
As the 15th anniversary of the Indigenous Women’s Leadership Program at StFX grows near, word has been leaked of the upcoming event taking place on April 14-15 that will host both Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively as guest speakers, along with an autograph session after the event. The occasion will take place in the Coady International Institute. Tickets will go on sale a week before the conference is to take place, with upgrade tickets to attend the signing and autograph session being made available the next day. Students can purchase these either online or through the Keating Center box office. Both Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are actors, entrepreneurs, and activists. On the 10th annual ceremony for the Coady Institute’s Indigenous Women in Community Leadership program, the two actors donated $200 000 to celebrate and support the program. In a recent interview with Time Magazine, Reynolds broke the news that he
would be travelling to Antigonish to celebrate the 5th anniversary of their generous donation. In the following days, the specific details for the occasion were laid out. The event will start with a speech from Ryan Reynolds, followed by another by Blake Lively. To end off the day, StFX president Andy Hankin will give the pair a tour of campus. The second and last day of their visit will be made up of an all-day signing event. Both Reynolds and Lively will set up in the McKay room, and those who have purchased a ticket through the school can line up and get both a photograph and autograph from the pair. Lines are estimated to be extremely long, and school administration warns of hours long waits, giving suggestions to bring a snack and water. There had been talk among students to take this event and make it StFX style—this would include making the event into a day-long party and ingesting more substances
than just snacks and water.
NEWS
Editor: Halle Cordingley Contact: xw.eic@stfx.ca
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Tims to Open on Campus ISABELLE VAUTOUR
Despite already having three Tim Hortons’ in the town of Antigonish, a fourth is set to open on the StFX campus in the coming months. The decision comes after a series of improvements for the campus was approved by the town. The vote by the town council was 4-3 in favour of the improvements. The administration has yet to explain why a Tim Hortons’ was chosen over other fast-food restaurants given the proximity of the Time Hortons’ on James Street and the Starbucks on campus. The possible loss of business for both establishments has yet to be determined as well. The decision will surely be well accepted by students, who will benefit the most from having multiple coffee spots on campus. Students will now have their pick of midterm caffeine fuelling location. The new Tim Hortons’ location is set to open by the beginning of the 2022-2023 academic year, with a hopeful date of August 31st. The new res-
taurant will be located where Lane Hall once stood. Construction is set to begin in the following weeks with minimal disruption of traffic, both vehicular and pedestrian. Students should expect an email from the administration soon with regards to the decoration and setting within the establishment. A quiz will be attached to the email where students are encouraged to add their input as to how they would like the new Tim Hortons’ to look. Students will have a say in layout and general theme. More details are sure to follow in the coming months with regards to specifics, including an inaugural ceremony before the official opening. It is the administration’s hope that this new establishment will bring in more funds to the school to pursue further improvement projects in the future, notably within the Annex and Nicholson Tower. The project is sure to bring in some of these funds, but just how much remains to be seen.
Alien Abduction at X ETHAN SABATELLA
It seems as though Leprechauns were not the only little green men seen among the St. Patrick’s Day celebrations. Reports flooded into the Antigonish police station which made their way to the keen ears of the Xaverian writers from a source who wished to be known only as Neil A. Furthermore, partygoers claimed to have seen mysterious creatures lingering around the festivities happening around town over the weekend, ranging from small green men with large eyes and heads observing from a distance, people in heavy trench coats seated at Piper’s Pub with insectile hands curled around frothy pints of beer, and reptilian eyes peering out of sewer grates. No less than twenty StFX students are said to have been abducted from the period of March 17th to the early morning hours of March 20th. All students who were abducted were found alive in their residence halls or apartment rooms, appear-
ing sporadically throughout the following week. One abductee, Ellen Ripley, says she blacked out around midnight between the 18th and 19th but has hazy memories of a slimy film coating her skin and something clinging to her face. Another by the name of Fox Mulder claims to have been probed with tools “out of a Cronenberg movie.” One of the most horrifying accounts comes from a student who wishes to remain anonymous; they said they were conscious for their entire abduction where they were vivisected all while being serenaded by Elvis Presley himself.
met with the same result: these mysterious men in black will flee the scene before reporters come within several yards of them. We may never know the truth of these abductions, but what is certain is that the StFX campus must remain vigilant to any extraterrestrial visitations. You too can do your part by following these three words: Trust no one.
President Hakin has yet to comment on the stories of these abductions, but lately the community has taken note of men in black suits around campus and the town of Antigonish. They have not spoken to anyone and are never far from their vehicles with dark-tinted windows; any attempts made by the Xaverian to interview them has been
ARTS& COMMUNITY
Editor: Sarah Laffin Contact: xw.eic@stfx.ca
Anti-Garlic-Finger Society comes to StFX HALLE CORDINGLEY
Lately there have been rumors that there will be a garlic-finger ban on campus. A new organization named the anti-garlic-finger society says they will do everything they can to get rid of garlic fingers at StFX and in the Antigonish community. Members of the society expressed their desires and ridiculed garlic fingers. One saying, “by 2026 we hope to never see a garlic finger again,” According to another anonymous member “There is a health crisis on campus!” The source stated. “Garlic fingers on average are 350 calories per serving, how many do you think one person eats, ALOT!” Allegedly, StFX students might be the biggest consumers of garlic fingers everywhere. “We care about our students’ health, and we think that this is in their best interest,” noted one member of the anti-garlic-finger society.
Of course, this has caused an uproar on campus. Students are already planning protests the society’s plans, one student saying “Garlic fingers are my favorite food. I have them for breakfast, lunch and sometimes dinner too, I will starve without them!” Many students expressed deep emotions on this topic. One student says they are in the process of creating a pro-garlic-finger society. Adding that if you attend their meetings garlic fingers will be provided. Many students also wonder what this will do to Antigonish’s economy. Garlic fingers are one of the most purchased food items by StFX students in Antigonish. The Wheel stated, “We do not support this ban, garlic fingers are a way of life, they are a part of the StFX identity,” a spokesperson from Kenny’s also released a statement saying “We will do whatever we can to counter this ban,
no one should be deprived of garlic fingers.” Ultimately, it can be assumed that banning garlic fingers could be disastrous to the community’s economy. As a garlic-finger lover myself I can only hope the anti-garlic-finger society has a change of heart. The Xaverian Weekly will continue to follow this story so keep reading for updates!
SPORTS& HEALTH
Editor: Jack Milbank Contact: xw.eic@stfx.ca
StFX New Mascot JACK MILBANK
You can tell when the seasons are changing, you start to see more and more students walking to class. As the weather gets warmer, the conditions outside get a little interesting. Big puddles become the death of sidewalks while the interesting objects that have been lost in the snow slowly reveal themselves. The town gets that familiar smell of cow manure which is blown over from the nearby farms and the river that runs through the town could be called a lake at times. But there is one thing that all students will not deny...The crows. If its walking to your bright and early 8:15 or coming home from your night class you are almost guaranteed to hear or see the massive murder of crows (a collective noun for a group of crows). It is almost like they are watching all the students and it seems like they don’t stray far from campus either. This
strange sight triggered attention in the bird world. Some ornithologists have traveled to Antigonish to see this phenomenon first hand. Crows are to be found extremely intelligent as they watch the behavior of humans and try to mimic them. There was a study conducted in 2019 that compared the intelligence of a seven year old child to a crow. The results were almost identical. The ornithologists have determined that these crows exhibit some rather unusual characteristics when students are not around, the birds almost seem as if they are chanting. It consisted of three different sounding words chanted over and over again. A recording of this chant was shown to a StFX staff member and there was an extraordinary discovery. If you listen closely, the crows are chanting Go X GO! As it is hard to hear because they only do this in the absence of students. This news traveled fast and was shown to the StFX executives. What
came from this was remarkable. As of next year, the 2022-2023 academic school term. Saint Francis Xavier’s University’s new mascot will be a giant crow! The school is very excited to start designing new jerseys and memorabilia for the upcoming season. The notorious X will be removed from all buildings on campus this summer, when students return they will be greeted by a 15 foot statue of a crow in front of the keating center. May take some time to get used to but get ready to start chanting Go Crows GO! If you would like more information please contact the lead ornithologists Dr. April Fools!
New Intramural League Fall 2022 HALLE CORDINGLEY
Intramurals have always been a huge part of student life at StFX, according to XREC’s website “there really is something for everyone when it comes to Intramurals,” well starting in Fall 2022 this is more than true. Many students can say they have participated in intramurals during their time at StFX. Whether that is basketball, volleyball, hockey or even water-polo, there is truly something for everyone. Now, according to an unnamed staff member competitive eating, more specifically hot-dog speed-eating will be added to the Fall 2022 intramurals schedule. Students will be able to join solo or on a team league, this will take place bi-weekly, leading up to the championships that will happen in late November. This idea came from Nathan’s Famous Hotdog Eating Contest, which is held in Coney Island, New York on July 4th each year. Participants must eat as many hotdogs as possible in 10 minutes, this includes the bun, while ketchup and mustard are optional. According to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, Americans eat 7 billion hot dogs during peak season, which is from Memorial Day to Labor Day. That’s 818 hot dogs per second. Nearly 6,000 were consumed in the time it’s taken you
OPINIONS
to read this far! Joey Chestnut currently holds the record by eating 76 hotdogs and buns in 10 minutes. At StFX the rules will be similar, students will have 18 minutes to eat as many hotdogs as they can, the games will be held in the Coach K Court, allowing for fans in the bleachers. The cost will be 30 dollars per participant in hopes to cover the costs of all the hotdogs eaten and if you win the competition, you will get an XREC hat and t-shirt! One staff member explained their excitement, “I think this is going to be really great, I think I might even join this league!” Another staff member expressed ideas for the future, “if this goes well who knows what else we can do! We can have pie eating competitions and even try out hamburgers!” Ultimately, I am super excited for this new league for StFX intramurals, I cannot wait to see how students at StFX do, maybe one of us can even beat the world record!
Editor: Sarah Laffin Contact: xw.eic@stfx.ca
2 Hours of Sleep - Underrated? AIDAN AHERN
Better does not get much studying than when you are awake all night and you get to have bed by your books in breakfast. Your understanding of test material gets very advanced because having bed in your breakfast boosts creative thinking and the taste of coffee. Coffee, popular to contrary belief, is only what Aquinas would call “a part” of complete breakfast. This is because – without nutritional content (see works-cited on back of Red-bull can) – you lack energy necessary for your take-home. For in-person tests, you carry the added insight of what it feels like to be three-times your present age. This (invaluable) asset boosts not only your exam and in-class abilities – but moreover – your skills to think things unrelated to your courses all-together. Things like: how tired you are, where is the best couch to have a nap, and the philosophical classic ‘why not drop out?’. Furthermore, by interrupting the first REM cycle halfway through, you can wake up and (very-quickly) paint a Dali before moving on to the books. The Greeks knew it, the Carthaginians knew it, the surrealists knew it! now you know it. Many professors receive many essays, but, and I ask this rhetorically, how many professors have ever received a bonified five-minute
Dali from their student instead? Surely few and far between. As Breton states in the first Surrealist Manifesto, only twenty individuals (including himself) have ever committed acts of “absolute surrealism”. Join the company of academic – and surrealist – honours by doing away with two crucial REM cycle hours; this is the kind of thing statues are put up for. The last of the practical benefits worth suggesting with regard to two-hours of sleep is the fact that it invigorates one’s critical senses. Why buy one magic green tea face cleanser when you can buy five? The only problem with latenight social media shopping is that the stock markets are closed. Crypto, however, is open twenty-four-hours.
HOROSCOPES
Blanche Pagobo
What the signs would do on April Fool’s Day: Gemini: brought all their favourite movies Aries: Tries to avoid the pranks as much as possible Cancer: cried at the end of the movie and tried to hide it from everyone Taurus: Wants to prank people but is too lazy Leo: hides and tries to play pranks on everyone Gemini: The King/Queen Prankster Cancer: Falls for all the tricks Leo: Probably uses the snake in a can prank Virgo: Will murder anyone who tries to prank them
Virgo: sucks at Cards Against Humanity but refuses to team up with anyone Libra: secretly draws everyone without anyone noticing Scorpio: sits in a corner and laughs at how weird everyone is while realizing that they’re probably the weirdest of all of them
Libra: Tries to prank one or two people but it doesn’t work very well Scorpio: Manages to trick a couple of people with a fake spider/snake Sagittarius: Tries to convince their partner that they’re pregnant
Sagittarius: somehow wins Cards Against Humanity even though they seem like a sweet ball of fluff (hint: they’re not) Capricorn: was working on a school assignment and had to be dragged out, was grumpy for a while but eventually cheered up
Capricorn: Can’t be tricked Aquarius: Hates being tricked with a burning passion but loves pranking others
Aquarius: refuses to play Cards Against Humanity but eventually gives in and plays
Pisces: Puts fish up everywhere
Pisces: gets really giggly as the night goes on and passes out around 1am
What the signs would be like in a zombie apocalypse:
The signs are all in the hospital, why are they there?
Aries: becomes the leader but is really strict and gets overthrown by the group
Aries: insulted someone (they believe it was constructive criticism) and got punched in the face
Taurus: complains about the food all the time Taurus: food poisoning Gemini: gets kidnapped by someone (see Aquarius) Cancer: they started the zombie apocalypse Leo: likes to brag and prove to everyone that they can kill the most zombies until they get bitten by one
Gemini: tripped and twisted their ankle for eating, being on the phone, and walking down the stairs at the same time Cancer: they work in the children’s ward Leo: got into a fight because someone insulted them (most likely Aries)
Virgo: is on their own, they don’t like joining anyone and their fate is unknown Virgo: came with a friend (see Capricorn) Libra: they become warriors ready to fight at all times Libra: went biking, hit a root, and went flying Scorpio: opens a shop to sell goods to survivors while living in an inn with a person they completely trust Sagittarius: finds a group of people to live with; they’re the ones who kill off those who are bitten Capricorn: finds someplace to live with lots of food and survives because they believe that everyone else is incompetent Aquarius: gets bitten after trying to save Gemini (see Gemini) Pisces: misses their phones/computers the most out of everything
What happens when you anger the signs: Aries: argues about everything Taurus: acts normal but they’re still mad Gemini: gets really quiet Cancer: crying or yelling Leo: fights everything Virgo: sit by themselves in the corner Libra: glares at everything Scorpio: if anyone gets near them, they glare at them until they go away Sagittarius: talks about it with the person nearest them, and the person farthest away from them, and the person in the corner, basically everyone Capricorn: tries to calm themselves down (only works sometimes) Aquarius: takes it out on everyone Pisces: smiles
What happens when the signs decide to have a sleepover: Aries: tried to get everyone to play a game Taurus: brought snacks and Cards Against Humanity
Scorpio: someone insulted their friend so they tried to punch the person and ended up punching a brick wall instead Sagittarius: tried to climb a tree and ended up spraining their ankle Capricorn: got really sick from overworking and Virgo realized they were sick and dragged them to the hospital Aquarius: took one of the sick kids they were babysitting to the hospital Pisces: wasn’t looking where they going and walked into a wall, getting a concussion
FEATURES
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Kim Kardashian Rumored to Enroll at StFX HALLE CORDINGLEY
Everyone knows that students at StFX like to have fun and apparently so does Kim Kardashian. It is said that the X-Ring is one of the most recognized rings in the world, even Kim wants her hands on one! Recently, Kim Kardashian was rumored to have asked a StFX graduate where they got their X-Ring, noting she loved the style. When the graduate explained where they had gotten the ring, Kim knew she had to have one. Mrs. Kardashian allegedly offered the graduate 600,000 U.S dollars for their ring, the grad denied the offer making it clear you could only have the ring if you earned it. Kim doesn’t take no for an answer, she likes to get what she wants and so she did what she had to do to get herself an X-Ring, she applied for the 2022-2023 school
year!
carpet dresses, so she’s prepared for Catalina.
It is not yet known if Mrs. Kardashian will be accepted to the school or what program she applied to, but we can only hope her credentials are up to par!
She also addressed the Wheel and Kenny’s debate saying she will be giving both pizza places a fair shot at winning her approval.
Allegedly Kim has her eyes on staying in MacIssac Hall, but she did note O’Regan and Riley might be more her type of lifestyle. She said, “She is not yet sure how she will adapt to the Antigonish lifestyle,” but she is excited to escape LA traffic. She is excited for the Antigonish nightlife saying, “I am very excited to go to the Golden X Inn, I heard it is one of the best bars around,” she also mentioned being excited to watch House Hockey and said she will bring some of her red-
She is rumored to keep her multi-million-dollar home in Calabasas as she is sure she will need to escape the Canadian winters at least a few times a semester and she did not yet mention what her children, Kanye or Pete would be up to during her time at StFX. I can only hope Kim brings her furriest coat, biggest boots and is ready for everything StFX throws at her.
The Chaos of the Clones of Cage ETHAN SABATELLA
My life changed forever the day I met Nicolas Cage. It all started on my first delivery one warm Californian afternoon. I handed a Hawaiian pizza to an attractive middle-aged woman in the threshold of her house, cash in hand, clad in a bathrobe.
My fingers hovered over the cash as two bare feet plodded on the tile floor. A man wearing a pair of boxers appeared behind Patricia. He stood with a slight slouch. His weighty eyes stared past a curved nose at me and Patricia. His stubbled lips drooped at the corners. He was a few years off from his prime physique but still in decent shape.
“That’ll be fifteen-thirty-seven, ma’am,” I said. She thumbed through the cash and handed me sixteen bucks. “Keep the change,” she said.
The man I knew well—Nicolas Cage—set his hands on Patricia’s shoulders. “Give the kid a full twenty, now,” he said. “I…” My throat went dry. “You’re…”
I forced a smile and reached for the cash, but stopped when a distinct voice sounded from inside: “Patricia? You aren’t shorting the poor delivery boy, are you?”
“Don’t mention it.” Nicolas Cage guided the entire wad of cash into my hand. “I’m a fan of your work,” I blurted. My fingers shook as I withdrew the dough.
The monotone. The slight nasal accent. The ever so rising pitch. All those things drew me back to the movies I watched with my dad whenever mom went out on one of her girls’ nights. Sure, most weren’t pieces most critics declared as “Oscar-worthy” but they kept me bonding with my dad and referencing quotes with my friends for years after.
“That’s good to hear.” Nicolas Cage’s hands slid down Patricia’s arms. “I get a lot of flak for playing so many different roles; people say I’m ‘unfocused’, but I like to keep things…diversified.” I nodded.
HALLIE PIRIE
TO BE CONTINUED ONLINE.
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The latest style of the season is wearing tuxedos for no reason Pixar be like, “What if Canadians had feelings?” Do Nintendo Switches suggest the existence of Nintendo Tops and Nintendo Bottoms?” Two multibillion dollar companies are squabbling over pennies and now I can’t have Doritos I threw frags at night Will IEDs flash-cook a bison? I looked up and there was a massive void of incomprehensible magnitude someone should do something about that. Walk without rhythm, it won’t attract the worm A large boulder the size of a small boulder No escapees I cannot find the bugs. Little bugs, big bugs. No bugs. Top 5 beans. 1. Coffee bean 2. Green bean 3. Orange bean 4. Magic bean What if spider wear trouser. Would you still resist him? Would you still look at him the same way? There are spaghetti noodles in your arms Are you aware of the power of shadows? I think social skills should be part of the MCAT I love screaming into the void on Meta Aren’t them wasn’t? 69,420 years ago Vikings fought dinosaurs in Wichita, Kansas The pointy part of the chip stabs the roof of your mouth for 1 hit point of damage Forget Zodiac signs? How many chuggas before a choo choo?