through the entertainment we consume.
TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
important conversation to have. Before we
Since we live in a culture surrounded
how we’re just teaching and defining sex to
Yes,” coined by writer Jessica Valenti in
by victim-blaming, survivors of sexual
men and women from a young age. Because
2008, this brought a whole new realization
assault need to be able to take the steps
the reality is, a man’s sexual awakening is
of sexual assault. This shift in language
in taking care of themselves. We spoke
far different from a woman’s, and this is
and attitudes is what woke up a genera-
to CSU’s care manager Emily Grady and
tion into realizing that the grey areas of
Dr. Paula Mickens-English from the
sexual abuse aren’t grey at all — they’ve
Counseling Center about some reminders
The dialogue surrounding consent has been ever-evolving. Especially during the switch from “No Means No” to “Yes Means
always been harmful, but never completely
for self-care and treating trauma.
realized.
start to really try to enforce the ideals of consent, we need to take into consideration
where the problems begin. Because of this, most women don’t have a sexual awakening at all, because sex has always been taught to them in the context of what the man’s role is in sexual
The reality is, the factor of women’s
activity. And for a lot of young women,
pleasure was never something prioritized
due to lack of comprehensive education or
in the act of sex. This is where warped
media misrepresentations, they are taught
perceptions of consent came into play.
a certain version of sex that is supposed to
Through the media, TV shows, movies and porn, the idea of how a woman is viewed in the act of sex was never as something that was for her, it was always for the man. In an article published in The Week, Lili Loofbourow writes, “The Aziz Ansari case hit a nerve because, as I've long feared, we're only comfortable with movements like #MeToo so long as the men in question are absolute monsters we can easily separate from the pack.” This is a crucial point she
Your reaction is normal. Sexual assault, harassment or domestic abuse is not normal and should not be treated as such — but the reaction most survivors had needs to be validated. “Remember in these moments that you are reacting in a very normal way for dealing with a set of circumstances that aren't normal,” says Grady.
be like. This is where the timelines come in. Women are coming forward with assault allegations five or ten years later, and people are wondering why they didn’t do it earlier. This is one of the main reasons: young women are literally taught what a sexual experience is supposed to be like through the media and through popular culture. And often, it is only when women have a comfortable, happy and good sexual
makes and absolutely ties in with mental
relationship with a partner do they realize,
health. When a woman has a bad sexual
that thing that happened five years ago —
experience, it’s assumed that the guy was
that wasn’t right, and that wasn’t sex.
a jerk, and leave it at that. However, the
This is an awakening that many wom-
best way to know that what happened was wrong, was to start pay attention to women’s emotional reactions to the event. Loofbourow goes on to talk about the very un-sexy but necessary conversation that is vaginal pain during sex, and how that ties in with sexual assault allegations. We are living in a society where women are taught to internalize certain myths and ideas about sex — such as it “has” to hurt at first or you “will bleed” the first time.
en had. When #MeToo flooded social media
Everyone heals differently. There are many resources to consider when dealing with post-traumatic struggles, no one way is the correct way. “There is no "right" way to heal, and there is no "one size fits all" approach to coping with trauma,” Grady emphasizes. It’s important to find the right way to care for yourself.
feeds, women started to reflect. On past experiences, with men they thought they loved and partners they thought they knew. They took a minute to really reflect on what they felt during the sexual act. Now, some of them are speaking out, and not always believed, because it is still a shock to some of us when we realize how oppressive our culture is towards women. Even though the only thing speaking out does for them
Many of these are based on false assump-
is reliving their trauma. The only thing it
tions, and not only cause anxiety for wom-
does is forcing them to go back to that mo-
en having their first sexual experiences,
ment of pain again, and re-experiencing it.
it makes them think that when sex hurts, it’s normal. Loofbourow also cites research from Professor Sara McClelland who is studying the dynamics of pain during sex, who found that, “While women imagined the low end to include the potential for extremely negative feelings and the potential for pain, men imagined the low end to represent the potential for less satisfying sexual outcomes, but they never imagined harmful or damaging outcomes for themselves.” This all is very telling, and is an
29 VINDICATOR | MARCH 2018
You're not alone. It can be helpful to find a community of support. Speaking out online, through creative means or asking for advice from people with similar experiences can create solidarity. “For those who are feeling re-traumatized, they should certainly seek out help and support to deal with their feelings,” says Mickens-English.
Now I’m 22. I still carry a fear within me because of what happened. I don’t think some people can fully comprehend or understand the absolute fear and paranoia that women carry with themselves whenever they step out of their front door. I might not feel sheer panic every time a guy on the street yells at me, but there’s another feeling I now have: constantly be-