story
OLD TRICKS BY KATE MAXWELL
T
hat’s the third time you’ve been out today and haven’t bothered to ask if I’d like to come along. Twice you brought back coffee and plastic bags, but trust me, you don’t need any more coffee. You’re agitated enough; yelling at me when I greet you at the door, waving your arms, wearing your snarly face, just because I separated the recycling from the food waste onto the floor. You say, you’re environmentally aware so, how can you object to my planet saving efforts? And come on, man, locking me inside all day without a toilet break is not cool, so don’t blame me if my bladder can’t hold all day. You needed a new bedspread anyway. A Ferrari doona cover, seriously? No wonder you’re single. A quick bolt down the hallway, three or four couch naps, a gnaw on the grotty rubber chicken, and some hardcore harassment of anyone walking past the window. That’s my day so far. I’m itching for the doorbell to ring, so I can make some real noise. Sometimes it’s the highlight of my day. Oh, go ahead and mock me. But be sure to tell me what floats your boat when some giant incomprehensible creature, feeds you pellets of ground up gunk, dictates your activity schedule and keeps you imprisoned most of the day. Doorbells will sound like the heavens calling, my friend. Alleluia, someone’s here! So, I see you’ve brought home bread and fruit. The fruit you can keep, but the bread we will share. Look at this face. I’ve been practicing begging face since I was weeks old. You’d have to be made of stone to resist. It is amusing though; the way you think you can hold out. Do we have to go through this every time you make a sandwich? Ok, but I’m starting at phase one: staring at you mournfully. Admittedly, phase one hardly works, unless there happens to be a visiting female, but visiting females are rare. Time for phase two: gently pawing your leg while holding eye contact. Seriously, you are going to make me go through each step? Why didn’t that sweet old lady at the shelter adopt
me instead? She seemed keen until I accidentally pushed her over. Geez, I licked her face to say sorry and everything. Ok, phase three: not so gently pawing your leg while holding eye contact. That sandwich looks good. Is that ham? That’s it, man, I’m playing hardball. I launch phase four: drooling over the most expensive surface I can find while maintaining eye contact. Half a ham sandwich and it was all totally worth it. Have fun disinfecting your keyboard. I might even give you a soft burp of gratitude. In the initial weeks of our relationship, I thought I was onto a good thing; warm bed, good food, daily walks, and actual interaction with the world. But you seem to give that computer thing more attention than me these days. I haven’t even had my walk today. Whining is for emergencies, so today I’ll try passive guilt. Takes a little longer but results are almost guaranteed. You’re at the computer again. I make sure I’m in direct line of sight, pacing out a sixty-degree angle from your screen. Then I nose push my mat over to the exact spot I’ve marked out. Position myself on my mat, head in paws, eyes up. Furrow the brow a little more. Tail ready to wag if I get a glance. I’m all set. This is taking forever, and I haven’t even got a first glance. Wait. He’s turned. Steady. Hold the position. Good. First glance. It wasn’t a long look, but at least it’s registered in his brain, I am a bad pet owner. I am a bad pet owner. That’s right. Keep
saying it to yourself, man. I wonder if a tiny whimper is needed. Like I said, I don’t like to use up the whimpers too early. Second glance! The whimper may not be needed after all. I furrow those brows as high as they can go. Keep eye contact. Hold it. Hold it. Yes, that’s it. He’s stopped typing. Here comes the sigh, the shoulder roll. And touchdown! He’s up. Then he’s walking over to the lead. I try to stay contained; I really do but I can never manage it. I’m bounding about like a psychotic yoyo and I don’t care. All dignity gone. Oh my God, Oh my God! Walkies!
Kate Maxwell’s been published and awarded in many Australian and International literary magazines. Her first poetry anthology will be published with Interactive Publications, Brisbane in 2021. She can be found at https:// kateswritingplace.com/publications/
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