LITERATURE
CSULB YOUR OWN ADVENTURE
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YOU’RE THE STAR OF THE STORY! CHOOSE FROM 8 POSSIBLE ENDINGS.
COMIC BOOM!
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BY LEO PORTUGAL & VINCENT CHAVEZ
he year is 1942. World War II rages on, and the United States has joined the Allied powers in order to defeat the evil Axis. Similarly, you have joined your artist cousin Alexie Levinberg in defeating the evil of boredom by creating the next great comic book (POW! WHAM! Take that, ennui!). You’ve got the super power of super imagination. You’ve got a gadget belt full of ideas. Will you use your talents for good or for evil? First question, Hot Shit: Who will be the star of your comic book? If you choose to create Madam Eyebrow, the tale of Eunice Brown, a lady scientist with the power of eyebrow-kinesis, go to page 2. If you choose to create Origami Man, the story of an American army man who was captured and imprisoned by Japanese soldiers, only to escape using the powers of “super origami,” go to page 3. If you choose to create Samson Knight and the Goy Wonder, the tale of a Yiddish policeman who derives superhuman strength from his mane of Hasidic curls, accompanied by his trusty sidekick, the Goy Wonder, who, for what he lacks in Jewishness, he more than makes up for with pep, go to page 5. PAGE 2 Alexie comes up with the story of Madame Eyebrow while shaving his sisters’ backs. “Wouldn’t it be cool if a lady scientist gained the power to grow her eyebrows really fast and also to control other people’s eyebrow?” They all agree. You pen the story and excitedly shop it around to potential publishers but are rejected by all. Strongly rejected, threatened even. Dejectedly, you begin work on a new idea. If you create Origami Man, turn to page 3. If you create Samson Knight and the Goy Wonder, turn to page 5. PAGE 3 Taking on an air of theatricality, you pitch Alexie the idea of Origami Man in dramatic tones: Captain Clark Rogers is captured by Japanese soldiers and taken to a labor camp where he is forced to unceasingly create origami. As his hand crampedness grows, his will to live lessens. He fears he won’t last much longer… That is until he discovers an ancient scroll among the origami papers and releases the ancient genie spirit of Origamius, who grants him NO wishes and instead curses him. He must forever protect the flimsy and helpless. He attains the ability to transform into origami (he yells things like “crane fly!”, “boat float!”, “hat sit on head!”, “flower look pretty!”). Talk about a real P.O.W.! You and Alexie are very excited. However, when you get into it more deeply, Alexie
If you accept the contract, go to page 9. If you decide to deny the contract and instead form a comic club where you can discuss comics and distribute your own comics to club members, go to page 14. PAGE 8 People don’t take kindly to your sewagey smelling, rat-shit covered comic books. Riots ensue. Effigies are burned. You are fined $600 for bubonic plague related damages. The United States’ population is decimated and the Axis powers win the war. PAGE 9 The contract is a big ol’ sack o’ shit. You get screwed out of ownership of Samson Knight and the Goy Wonder and it goes on to make Marble billions of dollars. A film adaptation features clumsy cameos by Stan Lee that could have been clumsy cameos by you. What do you do? If you hang yourself, go to page 4. If you jump off the Empire State Building, go to page 10. PAGE 10 Splat! PAGE 11 Alexie reads the comic and is shattered. He pushes you into New York City traffic.
ILLUSTRATED BY ROSE FEDUK worries that Origami Man relies too heavily on offensive Japanese stereotypes. If you ignore Alexie’s concerns and continue creating Origami Man, go to page 6. If you tell Alexie that you concur with his critique, but then you “spice it up a bit” by making it WAY more racist, go to page 11. PAGE 4 You hear the soft creaking of your swinging corpse. PAGE 5 Fed up with the lack of Jewish superheroes in the comic book universe, you come up with the story of Samson Knight and the Goy Wonder. After discovering a star of David-shaped amulet at the bottom of a box of donuts, rookie cop, Shlomo Schwartz, transforms into Samson Knight. With superhuman strength and a great head of hair, Samson Knight, along with his trusty/powerless sidekick, the Goy Wonder, battles against the forces of anti-Semitism. In their first issue, these Hebrew heroes take on the Bagel Goblin, a monstrous foe that grows stronger by consuming bagels and prejudice. So, how are you going to
distribute this comic that is surely as golden as Samson Knight’s gilded locks? If you decide to take it to the big wigs over at Marble Comics (publishers of Superma’am, The Subhuman Mariner, and Captain Armenia), go to page 8. If you use a viral marketing strategy (attaching copies of the comic to sewer rats and spreading it like the plague), go to page 9. PAGE 6 Alexie doesn’t want to have any part of Origami Man and your friendship ends. As you continue your lonesome work on Origami Man #1, you hear knocking on your front door. You peek out your window and see two broad-shouldered men in black suits. If you answer the knocking, go to page 12. If you fake your mom’s voice and yell, “I’m not home!” go to page 15. PAGE 7 The Marble Comic higher-ups don’t take kindly to your pestering, but they DO take kindly to your Goy Wonder-like pep. They offer you a publishing contract on the spot.
PAGE 12 “Uncle Sam wants you, son,” says one of the men. “More specifically, he wants Origami Man.” The United States government caught wind of your comic book idea and sent these federal agents to your door. One agent describes Origami Man as “a combination of cotton candy fun and perfect propaganda,” and one agent adds, “The big guy upstairs, a.k.a. the President, wants to distribute your comic.” If you agree to their request, go to page 13. If you refuse them, go to page 16. PAGE 13 Origami Man gets spread far and wide and becomes the most read comic by America’s bigoted youth. You live a rich and prejudiced life. PAGE 14 Nobody comes to the club, and you never cum in your life. That’s right, you accomplish your lifelong goal of dying a virgin. PAGE 15 Why did you think that was a good idea, Dum-Dum? The suited fellows break down your door and make you feel really uncomfortable by breaking your neck. PAGE 16 The men quickly cover your with a rag and you pass out. When you come to, you’re in an internment camp. That’s what you get for being a racist son of a gun, bitch. UNION WEEKLY
23 APRIL 2012
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