70 : e m Volu ue: 13 Iss
Newest Corre spondent Speaks for th e First Time
Jessica Williams Page 8
CHEL ME ABOUT IT LETTER FROM THE EDITOR CHELSEA STEVENS CHELSEA STEVENS Editor-in-Chief
Managing Editor Managing Editor
JOHN VILLANUEVA Music Editor
VINCENT CHAVEZ Culture Editor
Art Director, Cover Design
CONNOR O’BRIEN Photo Editor
FOLASHADE ALFORD email@example.com PR Specialist
Associate Editors MELISSA CASAS NATHAN CRUZ TORIE RIVERA
TANYA PAZ ROSE FEDUK
INGRID ROSALES WES VERNER
Contributors MARIHA LOWE DANIEL HO RACHEL RUFRANO JAMES G. MORALES SALLY KEYS LAUREN HANNIGAN CHRISTY BONHAM ERICA ABITO
NATE MUSSER NICHOLE DANIELS SIMON BATY BEN NOVOTNY MAXIMILIAN MARES ERICA MEDRANO JOSH STEINBERG BEN ROBERTS
his week marks the 35th birthday of the Long Beach Union Weekly. The first issue was printed on April 22, 1977, the very year my own mother started school here. She didn’t even know the paper existed back then, as most of you still don’t today. But we’re still here damn it, and we’ll always be here, no matter how many times you tell your mother we’re no good for her. I began my tenure as editor-inchief last summer in my typical nerdy fashion, holed up in the university library with a gallon of Starbucks as I poured over the archives of the first ten years of the Union’s existence. I felt in need of guidance from my ancestral Union-ites, and figured the original founders would be sure to point me in the right direction. It turned out to be just the kind of inspiration I needed. As seen in the photo above, the first issue was released throughout campus with the bold phrase, “Finally, a bonafide student newspaper, dammit!” I soon learned that the Union began with a fairly basic goal: to provide students with a professional, studentvoiced, and worthwhile alternative to the Daily 49er. After Watergate broke in ’72, the hard-hitting journalism wave flowed strong for quite a few years, and it was clear that the founders had some Woodward-and-Bernstein-sized
ambitions when they jump-started the Union. However, founding editors-inchief Jack Shinar and Debbie Arrington were initially denied office space in the USU, and were forced to run the entire paper out of a single mailbox for years. Today, our spacious, air conditioned office holds eight computers, three couches, and every gaming console invented between now and 1982. Our obstinate survival and successes are really something to be applauded, considering how much the paper has been through in its 35 years of life. Last year’s shenanigans were nothing in the grand scope of Union drama, and the balls of past editors-in-chief: one year they blew through ASI’s entire budget to print a full-color, 88-page final issue, without permission. Another year, an EIC almost got the boot for pushing a girl to the ground and hocking a loogie on her after she was caught throwing piles of new Unions in the trashcan. I’ve really toed the line this year, mostly to ease the swelling of my predecessors’ ruthless ass-ramming of the student body, as people would surely figure out how to finally bring the Union down if I didn’t cut the volume on our pompous frat boy party. But the working relationship between the Union and our outspoken peers is necessary, no matter how frustrating and annoying it can be,
and compromise is necessary to keep that relationship going. Without it, the Union might not make it another 35 years in the future. The feature this week is about another Union alum, someone who has actually been able to make something of themselves after their time at the paper. As you may have heard, CSULB alum Jessica Williams has recently been added as the newest correspondent with the Daily Show’s Best Fucking News Team Ever. As an admittedly overzealous fan of Jon Stewart and his program, I was close to peeing my pants with excitement when I discovered that Jessica had once worked for the Union, and was holding off on other interviews to give us the exclusive scoop. Not only did she hand over a great conversation, which you can read on page 8, but she also happens to be the coolest, most down-to-earth famous person I’ve ever met. She’s also the only famous person I’ve ever met, but don’t let that alter your view of my statement. If you’d like to celebrate the birth of the Union with us, come to our celebratory meeting this Thursday at 8pm in our big comfy office. We also accept gifts in the form of stylish furniture, baked goods, and margarita mix. Have a bonafide Union week everyone, and thank you for your 35 years of reading.
Disclaimer and Publication Information
The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
Questions? Comments? MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : firstname.lastname@example.org WEB : lbunion.com UNION WEEKLY
23 APRIL 2012
HEY! DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE
PULLING THROUGH THESE LAST WEEKS WITHOUT MURDERING EVERYONE FOR YOUR OWN FAULTS TANYA PAZ
o, I reckon you’ve probably noticed, but in little over a month the spring semester will be officially over. If you’re anything like me, the reality of this statement is greeted with both a sigh of relief and a mild panic attack. Although we’re all excited and ready for the semester to be over with, the slew of assignments and exams that await us in the upcoming weeks are less than appealing. In the couple of semesters I’ve been a student at CSULB, I’ve noticed this is about the point in time in which people’s attitudes start to change. Many people are so stressed out by the thought of
ROSE FEDUK ASSOCIATE EDITOR
upcoming finals and major projects that they direct all of their anger out on other people. Look, I understand that you have a ton of stuff to worry about, but being stressed out does not justify the fact that you’re acting like a complete jerk. If you’re reading this, you are most likely a student. It is not uncommon for students to be stressed out and frantic the last weeks of school. But really, will being mean or rude to someone make all of your problems automatically go away? No. Being all pissed off because the line at Starbucks is seemingly endless will not make the line go any faster, nor change the
fact that you have a boat load of work to do. Getting angry at your professor because they decided to throw a last minute essay assignment at you will not change their decision to assign it. Answering a simple question for a fellow classmate will not make you any less prepared to get your shit done. I know school is stressful and whatnot, but being rude will not make you feel any better, or achieve anything at all for that matter. Just keep in mind, ten years from now, no one’s really going to care that you got a B or a C in a class, so stop beating yourself up so hard over it. It’s good to
push yourself, but there’s a limit. Everyone is just as stressed out and nervous as you are, so stop acting like you’re the only one that’s dealing with shit, because honestly, you’re not. Believe it or not, not everyone lashes out on others while under immense pressure. Instead of being an asshole, take a walk, exercise, make a to-do list and just take time to relax throughout the day. Just remember: nothing is ever as bad as it seems. You have tests and exams— deal with them in a way that doesn’t make everyone you know want to kill you. Not being shitty to people is an overall simple and non-stressful way to live your life.
were physically attracted to people of the same gender, so when I found out I was confused and thought it was weird and just plain wrong. But then when my mother told me one night that Jimmy was gay, it totally changed my opinion. Here was a guy I knew and liked very much, and this news totally shocked me. Knowing Jimmy was gay didn’t make me dislike him; he was no different than other wonderful people I had met, but it did make me feel somewhat sorry for him because he would never be able to have children on his own. A few months later, my mom invited Jimmy and his boyfriend to our house for dinner. My parents were divorced at the
time, so it was just me, my mom, my brother, Jimmy, and his boyfriend gathering around the dinner table for a meal. Having a dinner with a gay couple totally changed my views on same sex issues, and since then I have been a strong advocate for gay marriage and gay rights in general. I was against Prop 8 from the very beginning, and I hope it is overturned by the Supreme Court. I strongly believe that being gay is not a choice and am very critical of people who believe otherwise. To them gay people are evil and immoral human beings. But if only they got to know a cool and nice guy like Jimmy, maybe they’ll change their minds like I did.
DINNER WITH JIMMY GAYS ARE OKAYS
BEN NOVOTNY UNION STAFFER
When I was growing up, my mom had a friend named Jimmy. They were partners in a screenwriting class at UCLA and collaborated on several screenplays, one of them being a spec script for Fraiser that was never produced. Before long my brother and I got to know Jimmy to. He was cool, he was young, and he drove an Isuzu Trooper, which was a big plus for me because I was a huge SUV fan as a kid. Not to mention he worked in the entertainment industry, which was also a huge plus for me, because as a kid I was obsessed with anything having to do with movies (and still am to this day). During
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the summer when I was nine-years-old, I went to Universal Studios with Jimmy, my mom, and my brother. I don’t remember that much of the day, other than that it was probably the first time I went on the oh-so scary Jurassic Park ride and played in the sprinklers at CityWalk. But when I was 11, I found out something that at the time was very shocking for me. Jimmy, my mom’s friend, was gay. At the time there was a campaign for Prop 22, a California State ballot initiative whose purpose was to restrict marriages within the state to only heterosexual couples. I had no idea until then that there were people who
NOT SINGLE, BUT STILL READY TO MINGLE JAMES LONGSTREET CONTRIBUTOR
Why does speed dating have to be exclusively for single people? I mean, I understand that its point is to meet people, but I think if you’re in a relationship you should still be able to participate without being met by a lot of confusion and rancor when you mention your boy/girlfriend. As you can probably guess, I recently attended the speed dating event held on campus in the Ballrooms. I was dragged, practically kicking and screaming, to it by a friend of mine. Regardless of this, I actually had a pretty enjoyable time. I genuinely
like meeting new people, and it gave me a chance to touch up my conversation skills. The only problem, as I mentioned earlier, is that I have a girlfriend. I tried not to bring her up, telling myself that, if asked, I would be honest and not lead anyone on. But at the same time I was not about to just blurt out “I’m spoken for! Don’t get your hopes up!” every three minutes when a new girl sat down in front of me. But sometimes it would just slip out! Someone asks if I’ve ever been to Hawaii. Oh yeah! I went with my girlfriend
two years ago! Someone else asks if I like shopping. Yeah, kinda. My girlfriend makes me go with her pretty often. Have you ever had sex before? That’s a little private, don’t you think? Alright, not the last one. But still. I was shocked by the animosity that generated. I tried carrying the conversation on with this one girl but she gave one word answers until about a minute later when she said, “I’m sorry, but did you say you had a girlfriend?” It was like I wasn’t welcome. I was an outsider amongst these outsiders.
This really upset me. I liked meeting the ladies, and all of them were very pretty. It just would have been nice to be able to be completely honest with them and not feel like a bad person. The whole environment made me feel like I was stepping on their feelings! I hope I’m not coming off as selfabsorbed, and I apologize to anybody at speed dating who felt put-out about this. They should have a separate category next to the names, something that indicates that they are there to meet new friends. That would be really cool.
DO YOU HAVE SPRING FEVER? IT’S TIME TO GET IT ON!
HAVE A LONG BEACH SEXPERT ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS ABOUT DOIN’ THE NASTY. TOPICS MAY INCLUDE, BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO:
t SAFE SEX/BIRTH CONTROL t ANAL SEX/LUBE t DILDOS/STRAP-ONS
t PREMATURE EJACULATION t G-SPOT AND P-SPOT STIMULATION t ETC. BE CREATIVE!
EMAIL RACHEL.UNION@GMAIL.COM FOR ANSWERS TO YOUR KINKY (OR MILD) QUESTIONS. QUESTIONS CAN BE PUBLISHED ANONYMOUSLY!
16 APRIL 2012
YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT THE CSULB SKI AND SNOWBOARD TEAM STUART SCHMIDT CONTRIBUTOR
Photo courtesy of Théo Négri
ould you imagine having a house in Mammoth from the ski season’s opening day to closing day? What if I told you it was possible to stay at one every weekend of the semester for cheap? Well, it’s possible if you join the CSULB Ski and Snowboard Team. Members get full access to the team house near the Mammoth Mountain ski resort as well as the opportunity to meet other skiers and snowboarders from around the country. Recently I got to sit down with Ryan Stenberg, the Vice President of the Ski and Snowboard Team, along with member Taylor Carpenter and learn about all the benefits the team offers. As the three of us talked about the Ski and Snowboard Team, I could tell how much Ryan
and Taylor loved their club. Their memories were vivid and their passion was obvious. It was clear to me that this team was very organized and focused on making sure their members had everything they needed at a price people could afford. Couple that with a strong alumni base and true dedication from the officers and you get a strong Ski and Snowboard Team. In fact, Ryan Stenberg’s cheerful demeanor has gotten him the nickname “Super Stoked” in the world of collegiate snowboarding. Ryan and Taylor reflected on the past year and their experiences in the club. The overall theme was friendliness and inclusion, which are the trademarks of our collegiate team. There is absolutely no exclusivity within the team. Anyone can join and be a
part of the fun. Ryan and Taylor said that because the team is very inclusive, it lends itself a type of camaraderie more similar to fraternities and sororities. The team is eerily similar to a Greek organization in that it has a huge network of captains and alumni team riders from up to 15 years ago that still keep in contact with the club. Some even come by the house to visit with current team members. Our team is also very fortunate that many CSULB alumni live in the town of Mammoth Lakes as well. In short, CSULB has a large presence in the community around the Mammoth Mountain ski resort. While socializing with alumni and other collegiate teams is a large part of the club, it still comes second to skiing and
snowboarding on the mountain. There is a very positive atmosphere when team members all go out to enjoy the mountain. The team is big on encouraging people to push their skiing or snowboarding to ensure further progress. Both men and women constantly push each other on the mountain to improve their skiing and snowboarding. This often manifests itself in members helping one another with tricks and techniques. However, there are far more activities to do than just going to the ski resort. Team members have experienced many different outdoor activities in the surrounding area, such as building ski/snowboard rails in the backyard and snowmobiling.
GET YOUR CLUB RECOGNIZED NOMINATE YOUR CLUB TO RECEIVE AN AWARD BEN NOVOTNY UNION STAFFER
Are you part of a club or organization on campus that you believe deserves special recognition? If so, then you might want to consider applying for your club to be nominated for a Student Life and Development Recognition Award for Student Organizations. The online application is available on BeachSync and must be submitted to the Office of Student Life and Development by this Friday, April 27 at 4:30 pm in order to be considered. Anybody involved in the club can apply for it to be nominated, but in order for the club to be nominated it has to be registered on BeachSync and with the Office of Student
23 APRIL 2012
Life and Development. In order to apply all you have to do is explain in at least 500 words why your club should be given recognition in one of five categories. These categories include Excellence in Organizational Management, Outstanding Campus Involvement, Outstanding Programming, Most Creative Marketing/ Advertising Campaign, and Outstanding New Organization. You can also include video clips, photographs, or anything else that can help with the application. Students and faculty are also free to apply to more than one category, but in order to do so they will need to submit
another application for the other category they want to apply for. The clubs that are recognized will be awarded at the Celebration of Leadership Ceremony, which will be held in the University Student Union Ballroom on Friday, May 11 from 5pm to 7pm. The clubs that will be given the awards will be notified in advance and invited to attend the ceremony. This is the second year that the Office of Student Life and Development has bestowed the awards for student organizations. The main purpose is to bring recognition to those clubs that have not had it before. “We
have so many student clubs on campus that are not recognized”, said Student Life and Development Coordinator Zion Smith. “If a student group does really well at something then we want them to be recognized for that, because a lot of times the work is unknown”. If you have any questions, feel free to contact Ms. Smith at (562) 985-4181 or email her at email@example.com. Even though the clubs awarded will be only be given certificates of recognition, it can have the potential of giving the club a tremendous boost. “It kind of gives the club publicity and bragging rights”, Smith said.
STATE OF THE BEACH YOUR WEEKLY CAMPUS NEWS IN BRIEF
ALISON ERNST NEWS DIRECTOR
State of the Beach is finally back for all of your campus event-planning needs. I know this is your favorite part of the entire newspaper. What did you do in your spare time without this column? Anyways I hope you were able to keep busy. And maybe osmosis finally worked and you got an A on that last Chem midterm. Maybe. If you’re feeling like you want to see some cool student-created stuff, you might want to check out the Department of Design’s Portfolio Exhibition on Monday, April 23 (through Friday, April 28). This event is from 10am to 5pm and is free. Treat yo’ self to some fine art. On Tuesday, April 24, you can help Save the Wakeboard Team at their meeting at 7pm in HHS1, room 205. Anyone who is interested in wakeboarding, even beginners are welcome to come to find out more about the team. If you’re still feeling sort-of artsy, you can hop aboard the Queen Mary to see Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead performed by the California Repertory Company this Wednesday, April 25 For more information or to purchase tickets, you can call (562) 985-7000. The show starts at 8pm. The super cool Union Weekly holds its weekly staff meetings on Thursday nights at 8pm in our office, conveniently located in the USU Courtyard, sandwiched between the University Police substation and Wells Fargo. If you’re still confused, you can call us at the number on the front page of this issue. We’d love to have you come visit us in action! Friday, April 27 is your day to get caught up on studying/Facebookstalking your Facebook stalker. Inception! But you could check out the Long Beach Museum of Art. On Fridays, the museum is open from 11am to 5pm. And admission is free, but only on Fridays from the support of the LA County Arts Commission. Oh, you’re still here? If nothing listed here strikes your fancy, you can go online at http://urd.csulb.edu/publicaffairs/ or http:// www.limelightlb.com/ for a long list of events available for your attendance. Check it out. It could be fun... maybe. If you like it, you should email me an article about your experience at firstname.lastname@example.org.
SCHOLAR YO’ SHIP
THESE ARE SCHOLARSHIPS AVAILABLE TO ALL CSULB STUDENTS ALISON ERNST NEWS DIRECTOR
SIMON BATY CONTRIBUTOR
My tuition for the Fall 2012 semester cost $3,369. I know that tuition has been consistently increasing for the past several semesters, but this semester seemed particularly expensive to me. In response to these increases, I did some research on scholarships available to CSULB students. All of my information I found online, using the Center for Scholarship Information website. Before I go in detail on specific scholarships, I just want to say that we do have an office on campus, which has a purpose to help students find scholarships applicable to them. The Center for Scholarship Information Office is located in the USU Courtyard. And finally, if you plan on just complaining about tuition hikes and you do nothing about it, stop complaining. We have so many resources to help us, students, pay for college. Just think about it, take a second. The Abbott & Fenner Business Consultants Scholarship will award $1,000 to a college student. In order to qualify, you must write an essay on “What was the most difficult time in your life, and why? How did your perspective on life change as a result of this difficulty?” The deadline is not until June 15, 2012, which means you have plenty of time to write an amazing essay. More information about this scholarship can be found at http://www.abbottandfenner.com/ scholarships.htm. I understand that sometimes it is hard to write an essay for a scholarship. Students procrastinate writing an essay for a class, which is graded; but what if the essay was more fun to write? StorageMart is offering a $1,000 scholarship to students, with subjects like, “What link is there between a clutter-free workspace and increased productivity? How has self storage improved your lifestyle?” You have until June 30, 2012 to submit a (minimum) 500 word essay, which is super short. More information on this scholarship can be found online at http://www.storage-mart. com/scholarship. Charter One is also offering several scholarships, ranging from $5,000 to $1,000. There are a total of 40 scholarships available for students in all areas. You only have to write an essay of 250-words or less, or you submit a short video. The deadline for this scholarship is April 30, which means that you better start working now. The application can be found online at http://www.charterone.com/scholarship/. If you decide to visit the Center for Scholarship Information website (http:// w w w. c s u l b. e d u / d i v i s i o n s / s t u d e nt s / scholarships/search/), you will discover the vast amount of scholarships that are available to you. Seriously, check it out and start applying like crazy. You can get free money to help pay for tuition, and who doesn’t want free money? UNION WEEKLY
23 APRIL 2012
YOUR MUSIC IS TERRIBLE RELATIONSHIPS AND A HARROWING TALE OF AN ENCOUNTER WITH A LINKIN PARK FAN
KALIFORNIA TUFFY CONTRIBUTOR
should have broken up with her the first time she ever said the words “Linkin Park” and “good song” in the same sentence. I should have, dear reader, but I didn’t. Hence, this a cautionary tale, a clash of musical tastes can never bode well for an amorous relationship. Love can never flourish where two people don’t see eye to eye, or rather, ear to ear. A Linkin Park lover will never understand a Bob Dylan lover. And someone who doesn’t even know who Bob Dylan is (she once asked me if he was black, she was thinking of Bob Marley, areyoufuckingkiddingme!!!) should be unceremoniously avoided as soon as this fact becomes clear (RUN don’t walk, seriously). There is no accounting bad for taste. But
there is no excuse for total ignorance of musical/American history. The music a person chooses to listen to, what floats their musical boat, and what gets their sonic jollies off, says so very much about who a person is and what they value in life. If musical values do not coincide, it is almost guaranteed that not much else will either. I’m all for being open-minded (in theory), but some things are sacred. Music is one of these things, in my book anyway. Because I hold these things so dear, often the very first test of any new relationship (though in retrospect, this should be done before one commits), is the handpicked mix CD. Whether or not a person responds to the mix in a positive way, will either make or
break the relationship. In what’s-her-name’s case, she never even bothered to listen to it, claiming she had to be “in the mood to listen to new weird music.” Ignorant and indifferent? Obviously, we did not end well. It got ugly. Very ugly. In hindsight, our ugly demise was written in the air the night she uttered the name “Linkin Park.” I tried to look past it, not wanting to be petty. But it ate away at me. I tried to broaden her musical horizons, but to no avail. Finally, I came to accept the fact that I would always find beauty in the poetry of Dylan lyrics, in the broken and tragic voice of Daniel Johnston, and in the sexedup, fuzzed-out guitar licks of the Stooges. And she would always love crap. Bottom
line. She was blind to beauty as I saw/heard it (“Why is Björk so popular anyway? It’s just beats and weird lyrics. She can’t even sing.” ohmygawdifuckinghateyou!!!), thus she was blind to me. The music one loves is such a personal thing. To reject what one holds dear is to reject the part of that person that loves, that feels, that finds meaning in the world. Am I saying two people who aren’t on the same musical page can never have a relationship that thrives and survives? Well, maybe. Am I saying no intelligent person with discriminating taste and a, ya’ know, soul, should ever date someone who listens to Linkin Park? Yes, yes I am. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
REVIEW OF DEATH GRIP’S THE MONEY STORE BEN ROBERTS UNION STAFFER
Death Grips is a three person rap group from Sacramento, CA. They consist of MC Ride on vocals, Zach Hill on drums/ rhythm, and Flatlander on production and keyboards. Together they make some of the best and freshest hip-hop in recent memory. They just got signed to Epic Records and already released their second album, The Money Store. Continuing the tradition left off of their last album, ExMilitary, Death Grips starts of strong with the track “Get Got.” This track displays MC Ride’s incredibly smooth flows and the fact that he can do more than just yell-rap. The entire album consists of bangers, such as “Lost Boys,” which has one of the best beats I’ve heard recently. Another stand out track for me is “I’ve Seen Footage,” which sounds like it was made on a cheap ’80s keyboard, but it sounds so good. The track “Punk Weight” shows Flatlanders’ ability to take a single
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vocal sample and make so much more out of it, really showing off his abilities as a producer. Closing track, “Hacker,” displays Zach Hill’s talent for drumming and sense of rhythm, while showing off Ride’s amazing rap abilities. The entire album just seems so cohesive, and works so well together, it’s easy to see why Epic signed them. Also, MC Ride doesn’t just rap about nonsense, he speaks truths and real world issues and can be very clever and insightful, he just does it all in a very aggressive way. Not only is this album fantastic, I was able to hear half of these tracks live last Thursday and I was completely blown away. These tracks are just as hot recorded as they are live. Any person who was a fan of their last album will definitely love this album, and for those that aren’t aware of the power of Death Grips, let yourself be taken hold of by this album.
Death Grips “The Money Store”
CSULB YOUR OWN ADVENTURE
YOU’RE THE STAR OF THE STORY! CHOOSE FROM 8 POSSIBLE ENDINGS.
BY LEO PORTUGAL & VINCENT CHAVEZ
he year is 1942. World War II rages on, and the United States has joined the Allied powers in order to defeat the evil Axis. Similarly, you have joined your artist cousin Alexie Levinberg in defeating the evil of boredom by creating the next great comic book (POW! WHAM! Take that, ennui!). You’ve got the super power of super imagination. You’ve got a gadget belt full of ideas. Will you use your talents for good or for evil? First question, Hot Shit: Who will be the star of your comic book? If you choose to create Madam Eyebrow, the tale of Eunice Brown, a lady scientist with the power of eyebrow-kinesis, go to page 2. If you choose to create Origami Man, the story of an American army man who was captured and imprisoned by Japanese soldiers, only to escape using the powers of “super origami,” go to page 3. If you choose to create Samson Knight and the Goy Wonder, the tale of a Yiddish policeman who derives superhuman strength from his mane of Hasidic curls, accompanied by his trusty sidekick, the Goy Wonder, who, for what he lacks in Jewishness, he more than makes up for with pep, go to page 5. PAGE 2 Alexie comes up with the story of Madame Eyebrow while shaving his sisters’ backs. “Wouldn’t it be cool if a lady scientist gained the power to grow her eyebrows really fast and also to control other people’s eyebrow?” They all agree. You pen the story and excitedly shop it around to potential publishers but are rejected by all. Strongly rejected, threatened even. Dejectedly, you begin work on a new idea. If you create Origami Man, turn to page 3. If you create Samson Knight and the Goy Wonder, turn to page 5. PAGE 3 Taking on an air of theatricality, you pitch Alexie the idea of Origami Man in dramatic tones: Captain Clark Rogers is captured by Japanese soldiers and taken to a labor camp where he is forced to unceasingly create origami. As his hand crampedness grows, his will to live lessens. He fears he won’t last much longer… That is until he discovers an ancient scroll among the origami papers and releases the ancient genie spirit of Origamius, who grants him NO wishes and instead curses him. He must forever protect the flimsy and helpless. He attains the ability to transform into origami (he yells things like “crane fly!”, “boat float!”, “hat sit on head!”, “flower look pretty!”). Talk about a real P.O.W.! You and Alexie are very excited. However, when you get into it more deeply, Alexie
If you accept the contract, go to page 9. If you decide to deny the contract and instead form a comic club where you can discuss comics and distribute your own comics to club members, go to page 14. PAGE 8 People don’t take kindly to your sewagey smelling, rat-shit covered comic books. Riots ensue. Effigies are burned. You are fined $600 for bubonic plague related damages. The United States’ population is decimated and the Axis powers win the war. PAGE 9 The contract is a big ol’ sack o’ shit. You get screwed out of ownership of Samson Knight and the Goy Wonder and it goes on to make Marble billions of dollars. A film adaptation features clumsy cameos by Stan Lee that could have been clumsy cameos by you. What do you do? If you hang yourself, go to page 4. If you jump off the Empire State Building, go to page 10. PAGE 10 Splat! PAGE 11 Alexie reads the comic and is shattered. He pushes you into New York City traffic.
ILLUSTRATED BY ROSE FEDUK worries that Origami Man relies too heavily on offensive Japanese stereotypes. If you ignore Alexie’s concerns and continue creating Origami Man, go to page 6. If you tell Alexie that you concur with his critique, but then you “spice it up a bit” by making it WAY more racist, go to page 11. PAGE 4 You hear the soft creaking of your swinging corpse. PAGE 5 Fed up with the lack of Jewish superheroes in the comic book universe, you come up with the story of Samson Knight and the Goy Wonder. After discovering a star of David-shaped amulet at the bottom of a box of donuts, rookie cop, Shlomo Schwartz, transforms into Samson Knight. With superhuman strength and a great head of hair, Samson Knight, along with his trusty/powerless sidekick, the Goy Wonder, battles against the forces of anti-Semitism. In their first issue, these Hebrew heroes take on the Bagel Goblin, a monstrous foe that grows stronger by consuming bagels and prejudice. So, how are you going to
distribute this comic that is surely as golden as Samson Knight’s gilded locks? If you decide to take it to the big wigs over at Marble Comics (publishers of Superma’am, The Subhuman Mariner, and Captain Armenia), go to page 8. If you use a viral marketing strategy (attaching copies of the comic to sewer rats and spreading it like the plague), go to page 9. PAGE 6 Alexie doesn’t want to have any part of Origami Man and your friendship ends. As you continue your lonesome work on Origami Man #1, you hear knocking on your front door. You peek out your window and see two broad-shouldered men in black suits. If you answer the knocking, go to page 12. If you fake your mom’s voice and yell, “I’m not home!” go to page 15. PAGE 7 The Marble Comic higher-ups don’t take kindly to your pestering, but they DO take kindly to your Goy Wonder-like pep. They offer you a publishing contract on the spot.
PAGE 12 “Uncle Sam wants you, son,” says one of the men. “More specifically, he wants Origami Man.” The United States government caught wind of your comic book idea and sent these federal agents to your door. One agent describes Origami Man as “a combination of cotton candy fun and perfect propaganda,” and one agent adds, “The big guy upstairs, a.k.a. the President, wants to distribute your comic.” If you agree to their request, go to page 13. If you refuse them, go to page 16. PAGE 13 Origami Man gets spread far and wide and becomes the most read comic by America’s bigoted youth. You live a rich and prejudiced life. PAGE 14 Nobody comes to the club, and you never cum in your life. That’s right, you accomplish your lifelong goal of dying a virgin. PAGE 15 Why did you think that was a good idea, Dum-Dum? The suited fellows break down your door and make you feel really uncomfortable by breaking your neck. PAGE 16 The men quickly cover your with a rag and you pass out. When you come to, you’re in an internment camp. That’s what you get for being a racist son of a gun, bitch. UNION WEEKLY
23 APRIL 2012
CABIN IN THE WOODS
A SPOILER-LESS REVIEW OF GODDARD’S MOST RECENT THRILLER MAXIMILIAN MARES CONTRIBUTOR
ive friends go into a cabin in the woods, bad stuff happens. I swear at one point in time that was the plot description for the new horror movie The Cabin in the Woods. Now having seen it, there’s honestly no better way to put it. At least without spoiling something. You see, here’s the deal with The Cabin in the Woods. This is about three years old and marks the directional debut of Drew Goddard. Some of you may recognize the name as that guy who wrote episodes for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Alias, Lost, and the 2008 shaky cam horror movie, Cloverfield. Goddard is also known for working with Joss Whedon, of Buffy fame, amongst a long list of other nerdom favorites. You might want to remember Whedon, as he’s the director for the upcoming Avengers movie. But why three years? The delay is certainly confusing considering that it was set to release only a year after Goddard’s
23 APRIL 2012
rather successful Cloverfield. Logically, there should be no reason to shelf the movie. Unless the studio wishes to convert it to 3D and then goes bankrupt. Following the whole 3D trend, MGM initially delayed Cabin to convert it, much to the protest of Goddard and Whedon. Luckily for us, that whole money-sucking attempt failed and Cabin is being only shown in 2D. Still, the movie was set back as MGM dealt with its bankruptcy. At one point in time the movie was “delayed indefinitely.” But thankfully Lionsgate acquired the film and Cabin saw its world premiere at this year’s SXSW. Now how the hell is this at all relevant to my review of the movie? It isn’t. It really isn’t. I can’t think of any possible way to review with movie without telling you something that would ruin a moment, no matter how minor it is. Hell, I can’t even tell you what the opening sequence is because it sure as hell was not what I was expecting.
At the most, I can tell you it’s about five (presumed) college students going into a cabin in the woods for a break. Two of them are female, Kristen Connolly and Anna Hutchison (a former Power Rangers Jungle Fury addit\ion), and three are male— one being Chris Hemsworth of Thor. The other two, Fran Kranz (who plays my, and probably many others’, favorite character) and Jesse Williams are relatively unknown names, much like the girls. There are other big names in this movie, but well, again, that would reveal a bit too much. Whedon and Goddard made this movie in an effort to restore the horror genre, an effort that I believe Goddard was attempting to do with his 2008 movie Cloverfield. The two described Cabin as “a loving hate letter” to the horror genre. If you’ve seen any horror movie in the past decade, you’ll understand why. So these five friends get an RV and head
off to a cabin that none of them have been to and that’s completely off the grid. A typical, cliché and expected horror movie set up. You think you already know what’s going to happen. The Cabin in the Woods knows you’re thinking that and plays off of it with fantastic results. It’s everything you expected and so much more. Have you realized yet that you basically learned nothing out of this review other than some random production notes and a very general plot summary? I didn’t tell you if it’s a great horror movie that deprived me of sleep, nor if it’s a campy tongue-in-cheek movie. Nor will I. But I will tell you that Whedon and Goddard did not disappoint, playing directly off of the audience’s expectation, with some nice twists, and it is a great movie that I won’t be shutting up about. Also, don’t watch the trailer for this movie. Just know this: five people go into a cabin in the woods. Bad stuff happens.
PICTURE IN PICTURE
TWO MOVIES, TWO ERAS, TWO SCHOOLS OF THOUGHT, SAME DEAL STEVE BESSETTE ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR
Christopher Nolan’s Inception and Luis Buñuel’s The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie aren’t shot-for-shot twinsies, but after watching about 45 minutes of Discreet Charm I thought to myself, “Great Scott Fitzgerald, this is Inception.” Discreet Charm (1972) is another one of Buñuel’s stick-it-to-the-French-rich-folk movies for which he was lauded. Inception (2010) is Christopher Nolan’s magnum opus of mind-bending narratives that he is known for (Memento, The Prestige). Buñuel was a
surrealist, so anything of his didn’t have to be overtly advertised as inordinately trippy. His stuff was flint in the burgeoning of art cinema in the age of Dali and a nominal auteur force post-Nouvelle Vague. In Midnight in Paris, he’s the guy Owen Wilson tells to make a film about a group of rich people who can’t leave a dinner party and turn into animals (The Exterminating Angel, 1962). Discreet Charm, similar to Angel, is about a group of wealthy couples who keep attempting to have a dinner party, but every time they get close to sitting
at the table together, something goes wrong and prevents it, prompting them to try again the next night. Eventually it becomes clear that this is a series of dreams, and when the dreams start or end is just the beginning of where the two films unite. The big difference is that the dream spelunking in Inception is presented as technology and navigated psychologically. Discreet Charm’s dreams are the bread and butter of surrealism, hyper-unrealistic vehicles for the journeys of the characters
Dining at cafes, French architecture schools, traveling in private jets or helicopters, and look at all those suits.
RICH PEOPLE DOING RICH THINGS
One rich guy wants another rich guy to break up his father’s business empire so he can be the richest rich guy in town.
and the statements behind them. Although Inception could be taken as a blockbuster that’s for the bang-bang-explosion moviegoer and also the high-concept thinker moviegoer, let’s face it, it has the exoskeleton of an action flick. Discreet Charm is more of an experiential artwork, though still pretty entertaining, and because it allows us to explore more freely, we don’t find people on the internet drawing up Discreet Charm dream road maps. Here’s a few of the similarities:
THE DISCREET CHARM OF THE BOURGEOISIE Come on, Bourgeoisie is in the title. They only want to have dinner to brag about rich people things and have affairs with each other.
There seems to be a bit of hubbub early on about an some international cocaine exchanges. Also exchanged, condescending laughter and cigarettes. That nutty bourgeoisie.
The only way to get escape the depths of a dream without going into limbo is a for someone to do something stupid to you, like dunk you in a bath tub or tie you up in an elevator and explode some stuff. I guess that’s supposed to make sense.
The only way to get out of a deep dream is for the current situation to reach preposterous surreal heights and climax into the next dream, and then have someone in the next scene wake up in a hot sweat.
The final shot is cut before the now iconic top stops spinning, Nolan’s way of throwing us dogs a bone to fight over.
The final shot is the group of couples walking down the road toward the house of one of the couples, ready for another dinner. And another. And another.
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WORDS AND PHRASES FOR THE INTERNET AGE
VINCENT CHAVEZ CULTURE EDITOR
the common act of googling a potential boo (Ex: You havenâ€™t boogled him yet? He could be a sex offender with bad credit and a limp. Know your boo, gurl.)
1. the burning shame that accompanies the realization that Mark Zuckerburg ZDV PRUH VXFFHVVIXO DW WKDQ \RXÂˇOO ever be in your life 2. to screw your best and only friend out of billions of dollars just because he got SXQFKHGE\WKH3KRHQL[DQG\RXGLGQÂˇW to behave in a petty fashion
an individual so out of touch with WHFKQRORJ\ WKH\ GR QRW XQGHUVWDQG WKH concept of a podcast ([0H*UDQGPD,ÂˇPVWDUWLQJDSRGFDVW *PD7KDWVRXQGVQLFH:KDWÂˇVDSRGFDVW" 0H :HOO LWÂˇV OLNH D UDGLR VKRZ \RX record and then put on the Internet for other people to stream or download. *PD 2K KRQH\ SOHDVH VWRS WDONLQJ \RXÂˇUHKXUWLQJJUDQGPD,IHHOVRFROGÂŤ so cold.)
INCELLATION: WKHSKHQRPHQDLQZKLFKXSRQOHDYLQJ FODVV HYHU\ KXPDQ FKHFNV WKHLU FHOlular phone and begins texting and/or sexting others
the sick feeling one experiences after scrolling through 50+ Tumblr pages (Ex: I just consumed 17 interviews, 73 gifs, and 206 pictures of Michael Fassbender. I must push through this tumblrglut or else Iâ€™ll never know whatâ€™s on the next page/be truly happy.)
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DQRFFXUHQFHWKDWLVVRULGLFXORXVDJLI demands to be made of it (Ex: Anything Britney did in 2007 or Gary Busey has ever done.)
TERRORENT: the heart-stopping fear that the police are at your door for torrenting (using a torrent to illegally download media) ([ (YHU\ WLPH , WRUUHQW , NHHS P\ samurai sword next to my desk just LQ FDVH WKH FRSV FRPH DQG , KDYH WR immediately commit hari-kari.)
REACHING THE STATUSPHERE:
the sadness induced by the lack of time or energy necessary to complete a full season of a television series ([ , ZDV RQ 1HWĂ L[ Ă€QDOO\ UHDG\ WR dive into Breaking Bad when I got a call from my mom telling me Nana had fallen in the shower and was in a coma. 7KDW MXVW EXPPHG PH RXW VR PXFK , decided to watch three episodes and call it a night.)
SILENCING THE CYBER-LAMBS: the moment you overcome the fear of meeting an Internet friend/suitor in real OLIHVSHFLĂ€FDOO\WKHIHDUWKDWWKH\PLJKW skin you and turn you into a human body suit or throw pillow set ([$IWHUVN\SLQJZLWK+HQU\,IHHOZD\ more comfortable going to his house to PHHWKLVPRWKHUZKRLVGHĂ€QLWHO\QRWMXVW him in a wig.)
([ +H\ EDEH MXVW JRW RXWWD &KHP :DQQDEORZPH"
([(GXDUGR6DYHULQZDVWKHĂ€UVWSHUVRQ to ever be Zuckerburned.)
The point at which your friends no longer care about your status updates due to their frequency and inanity ([8JKKDYH\RXVHHQ$VKOH\ÂˇVODWHVW Facebook status: â€œI totes just barfed LQ P\ SXUUUVHÂľ" 7KDW ELWFK KDV RIĂ€FLDOO\UHDFKHGWKHVWDWXVSKHUH
a person who uses Twitter to spout UDFLVWVH[LVWKRPRSKRELFRUMXVWSODLQ hateful speech (Ex: All the â€œRue from The Hunger Games VKRXOGQÂˇW KDYH EHHQ EODFNÂľ FURZGWKRVHZHUHVRPHFRORVVDOWZDWV
D FKDUPLQJO\ XQJUDPPDWLFDO PLVVSHOOHG FRPPHQW XVXDOO\ QRQVHQVLFDO in nature (Ex: Here is an excerpt from a YouTube FRPPHQWRQ:KLWQH\+RXVWRQÂˇVÂ´+RZ :LOO , .QRZÂľ PXVLF YLGHR Â´VKH FDPH back after all the jears she sing again but only for god and showing the world how to love others and remember satan GRQÂˇWZDQWXVHWRORYHRWKHUVKHZDQWV XVWRĂ€JKWDQGNLOOWKDWÂˇVZK\WKH\NLOO ZKLWQH\VKHJDYHORYHÂľ
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JUDY GONE WILD
JAMES G. MORALES
DISSECT MY BRAIN
Monday, April 23th, 2012
Volume 70 Issue 13
35 YEARS OF GRUNION WEEKLY REVISITED
Disclaimer: I don’t know what’s wrong with this kid. He’s supposed to be looking at a tarantula inside a tank, but he’s just staring sadistically into the camera. Fuck you, creepy kid! You can’t have my buttginity. Also, we are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Stalk me at email@example.com.
OCTUPUS GIRL #1 THE DUCHESS OF PAIN
BY HUELL HOWSER It all started when two guys, possibly Homo Sapiens or some type of half-monkey/half-human/ half-dolphin, had the best idea of their lives: to open up a pizzeria. Their names were Grubby Wilkinson and Neon Parker and they had every pizza imaginable this side of the solar system. Even the mythical “Uncrusted” pizza, breaking all the conventions as to what was considered “pizza pie.” Nothing was offlimits when it came to the combination of sauce, bread, and toppings, but the two were driven insane and almost bankrupt by their mad desire to perfect the ancient secret of “Cookie Pizza.” “It’s not a fucking pizookie, I’ll tell you that much,” said Grubby, when we asked him to elaborate on the concept of “Cookie Pizza” in more detail, since any records pertaining to the “Cookie Pizza” were lost long ago. “I know that’s what comes to mind, but it’s not. We had to find the perfect marriage of cookie dough—we had to do so much research to find the best cookie dough to make it possible—and pizza. Like the perfect ratio, but after years of toiling away in the kitchen we ended up with nothing to show for it. It was really discouraging.” When “Human Pizza Co.,” failed, they looked to other things to fill the void caused by losing the one thing they loved. That’s when they discovered the magic of printed media. Specifically newspaper. Combining parts of their names, Gru and Neon, they settled with calling it Newspaper Gruneon for the Betterment of Humanity for the
Students of the University of Long Beach, California, later changed to simply The Grunion Weekly. They hit the ground running in the ’70s with hard-hitting stories like “Study finds Milk to be 50% Semen” “Farts Are People Too, Scientists Say” and “Dick Clark’s Predicted Death Date: April 18, 2012,” The Grunion became CSULB’s only source for news, entertainment, and gangbuster reporting. “Newspapers had hit their peak until we came along, and we haven’t looked back since,” said Neon. “I wish kids these days, editing The Grunion nowadays, would read through our old stories to get an idea of what real reporting was like. Blowing into a butt? What the H-E-double hockey sticks is that!” Octopus Girl is the new Editor-in-Chief of The Grunion, so we met up with her so that she could teach us a bit about the process of putting the paper together. Huell Howser: Well how do you put it all together? Octopus Girl: Well we just kind of get news from other news sites and print it as our own, and then we write other articles about whatever we want. That’s about it. HH: And what’s this and that little doohickey right there. Octopus Girl: That’s a piece of paper. And that is a sandwich. I don’t know where it’s from. I choose not to touch it. HH: That’s beautiful. Simply beautiful. 35 years in the business, The Grunion is still pumping out quality work to this day and showing that it truly is part of California’s Gold.
We got some fan art (F-ART) this week from one of our adorable readers. As you can see, it’s the Duchess of Spain doing something painful-looking to an anthropomorphic mouse wearing shorts. I think she’s shoving pennies or licorice into his belly button. Ugh. Just thinking about that just shivers my timbers. Email me any art! I’ll make sure to print it next week.
DISNEY AND MARVEL EXECS ON AVENGERS: “WHEDON GOOF’D”
I COMBINED OBAMA AND ROMNEY TO CREATE ROBAMA (OBAMNEY?)
Published on Apr 22, 2012