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“I’m gonna stretch the dick outta this sweater.”
Volume 64 Issue 04
Tuesday, February 17th, 2009
LBUNION.COM
Area Man Mistakes Loaf of Bread G7 Assembles to Discuss Global Economy, Rank Jonas Brothers for Calzone BY GAELIC FORSKYNE
Voldonski then rotated the sourdough loaf 180 degrees, so as to more readily reach the scrumptious filling that he mistakenly had built Clay Voldonski (above) is about 20 minutes away from finding out that that’s not a calzone up in his mind. (pictured top right). “I bet there’s a really thin layer of marinara—not too much, just right—with some BY SEXUAL RANDY freschetta and provolone sprinkled in,” said LONG BEACH, CA — Yesterday Clay Voldonski. “Some diced onions, black olives, Voldonski, age 34, began to consume what he and that Italian sausage from Trader Joe’s that was certain was a delicious frozen calzone, she knows I love. She probably even sliced it but what in actuality was just a loaf of bread. paper thin, just for me. Muy delicioso!” “Oh my god, this crust is so crunchy Voldonski then took a larger than avand fluffy on the inside,” said Voldonski. erage bite into the sourdough and looked “Is this sourdough? I can’t wait to get to the disappointed. “Maybe it’s still in there,” said filling. With a start this promising, it’s sure Voldonski, losing confidence. “I just gotta to not disappoint.” [sic] go a little bit further.” The loaf of sourdough bread made with After taking a few more bites and actually love just minutes earlier by Voldonski’s wife, swallowing, Voldonski began to show tears Diane, 34, was still piping hot and was sure to in his eyes. He then finished the bread. disappoint the man upon his discovery that “I can’t believe Diane lied to me about [the he had been had. “I love [my wife, Diane] so made with love loaf of sourdough bread] bemuch,” Voldonski said. “She’s just a doll.” ing a calzone,” Voldonski remembered incorAs he made his way to about the half- rectly. “This is really disappointing. I thought way point through the giant loaf, Voldon- she was better than that. I’m so full and my ski started to get frustrated. “I really ap- mouth is so dry, and for what? For what?” preciate how much effort Diane put into Voldonski then grabbed a nearby spatula this crust—and it is quite delicious—but and headed towards the living room, where when do I get to the good shit? I bet it’s all Diane was relaxing with her latest Grisham packed into the back end.” novel. “What a fucking bitch.”
ROME, ITALY — This weekend, the financial ministers from seven industrialized nations met to discuss their economic future, as well as which of the Jonas Brothers were the cutest. “We’re cutting right down to the bone of this economic downturn,” said UK Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling, “But we’ll also be handling social issues like whether [McDreamy] will end up with Meredith or not. Plus, why the hell is there a polar bear on that island? It doesn’t make a lick of sense!” Also on the table was a threeparty discussion on how mean everyone’s dad was. “I mean, he’ll let me calculate inelastic financial risk management in a semi-recession environ, but he won’t let me even take the car out to see my boyfriend Chad,” said French Finance Minister Christine Lagarde as she nervously chewed on a piece of her hair. Russia was not included in the conference despite Canada’s assurance that, “Your invitation is totally in the mail.” From his winter fortress made from the bones of vanquished enemies, the head of the Russian finance ministry (MoneyPol) had this to say, “Who wants to be invited to their stupid slumber party anyways? They’re all just a bunch of stuck up jerkfaces—plus everyone knows that
Dramatization of the awesome slumber party.
Kevin is the cutest. It’s just fact.” The minister responded by hosting his own assembly made up of uninvited nations, which would include Venezuala, Luxenbourg and Cimmeria. The catering is said to include the still beating Siberian tiger heart and the roasted carcass of a queen kraken. The Jonas Brothers gained international legitimacy last year after being included in the Bob Dylan fanzine, Rolling Stone, as well as the radical right-wing primer, TV Guide. We consulted media consultant Dwight Scheisswig on the popularity of the titular trio of tussle topped teens, “They have the perfect combination of non-threatening sexuality with soft-core mental patient rock. If you ask me, it’s only a matter of months before these cats are bigger than Jesus.” After taking another ride on the white horse Dwight said this, “That is if Jesus sucked ass.”
INSIDE
Existence of Female Flatulence Confirmed
Scientists in Geneva recently recorded for the first time in history, the occurance of a female farting. “And she was good looking, too,” said pootologist Kermit White. The experiment was cut short after the woman left when the scientists kept trying to rub her back. PAGE B1
Autoerotic Asphyxiation Gets the Better of Local Asthmatic
A known asthmatic, Paul Greggson, 17, also dabbled in Autoerotic Asphyxiation, a combination that proved deadly after his condition prevented him from breathing through a fucking noose after he came all over his feet last Saturday. PAGE JZ
Dick Biting Monster Steals Nation’s Hamster Returns From Adorable PAGE D0 Space Mission Black Licorice PAGE QT