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here are a few political implications that apply to women when they have sex. Some of these things may include, but are not limited to, relinquishing control, sacrificing self-esteem, or damaging a reputation, all of which I can ignore, providing I’m having sex for the right reasons (and there are, not surprisingly, a lot of reasons). The case is much simpler for men.

We know why they want to have sex—the orgasm. And you’d think women would want the same, but a new study by researchers at Stanford and Indiana University shows that college women have orgasms half as often as men on repeated hookups, a third of the time during first-time hookups, and 80% of the time while in a relationship. What’s really interesting is the reason why. The study showed that the reason women orgasm less than men is not because they’re “more complicated” or because they lack sufficient emotional attachment—it’s because most men don’t consider the female orgasm a priority during sex. And I don’t think I’m jumping to conclusions when I assume that, because men don’t consider the female orgasm a priority, neither will women. It makes sense—the male orgasm is a given, and yet the woman is expending all the effort to make sure it happens. Studies show that women will give oral sex whether it’s a one night stand or a long term relationship. During

casual hookups, men receive oral 80% of the time, whereas women receive it less than half of the time. Michael Kimmel, author of Guyland, compares men’s thoughts on the orgasm to housework, “Men don’t pull their weight on either front because no one makes them.” And when it comes to the bedroom, that’s no one’s fault but the woman’s. Each time we forgo an orgasm we do our gender a great disservice. I understand that the last thing you want to do when things are hot-and-heavy is stop to give a lesson or feel self-conscious about the way our business looks. But the truth is women are much more likely to orgasm with clitoral stimulation. Natalie Angier, a science columnist at The New York Times says, “The woman really has to be the boss of the sexual experience, because it’s harder for women to have an orgasm through a straight forward sexual position.” But it’s ignorance that influences the masses. We see women on television that orgasm with very little effort. Even Freud had said that the clitoral orgasm was “adolescent” and the vaginal, a more “mature” orgasm. It’s up to women to decide to make their pleasure a priority, because if we don’t, we have no one to blame but ourselves. And if he doesn’t want to return the favor? As a good girlfriend of mine told me, “Boys don’t give oral—men do.” trated LSD, wearing a Beatles wig, boots, three piece striped suit and full beard in and out of the bedroom, take multiple rides on a yellow submarine and playing Beatles movies in his house on full volume while he sleeps until he fully appreciates the merits of their music. Hopefully, this foolproof plan will direct him towards the path of enlightenment. If it fails this will only conclusively prove that he has a soul made of rubber and that he’s a fool (on a hill).

Fact: Anyone who hates The Beatles either has a nasty case of neural syphilis or hasn’t heard their music. I choose to believe that it is the latter in most cases. In my mind, somebody who claims to have good taste in music and also claims to hate The Beatles is like walking into a special education classroom where the popular cheerleader is hiding behind The Three Little Pigs in an attempt to appear literate. It’s just retarded. With so much passion wrapped up in the Fab Four it is hard to believe that I, myself, am dating someone with a serious case of the Hating Beatles Blues. I’ve tried in vain to understand why he hasn’t seen the light, but our conversations go nowhere. “What’s wrong with ‘Hey Jude’?” “I don’t know, I just don’t find it interesting.” “Listen to that piano! Listen to the words! How could you not love this?” The conversation typically spirals into a whoknows-more-about-music debate, which ends in everything going all helter skelter while both of us curse one another under our breath. “That fucking piece-of-shit likes Third Eye Blind.” “God! She only likes them because they have boy-

ish good looks, saucy attitudes, and impish youth.” “I just wish he would understand, so that our sex life would improve.” “If only she wasn’t thinking of John Lennon during sex.” The fundamental problem with dating a known Beatle-hater is that they are shallow, they don’t understand the nuances and subtleties of complex music. They can’t appreciate anything more intricate than a primal drumbeat and a scream borrowed from Iggy Pop. It is widely agreed that The Beatles opened up possibilities as far as songwriting and use of the studio as an instrument (Ask Brian Wilson, well, before the breakdown). They changed culture across the globe and started a phenomena that hasn’t been seen since and continues its influence to this day (i.e. Oasis). I have put in place a clandestine fivepart conversion plan that includes deleting his entire iTunes library and replacing it with the Beatles collection, introducing him to appropriate amounts of concen-




17 FEBRUARY 2009




ith the store bought holiday that just passed, those of us that don’t find ourselves in something resembling a relationship are left to ponder what we’re doing right or wrong. What we find is that someone has helped to place us in a quaint little box of monotony. Meaning that you or someone else has knowingly allowed for the repetition of the most played out moments in this comedy of errors that we call existence. This abstract thing we call a love life is chockfull of formulaic truisms. What makes clichés problematic though is that there is a reason that they become hackneyed ideas. The whole business speaks as some universal truth relating to the lack of actual arbitrariness in the deceptively vast pantheon of human experience. We all want the ones we can’t have and it’s driving us mad. We all let the wrong ones in. We all make mixes and hope that our intendeds realize that Depeche Mode’s “Somebody” is how we feel inside about them. We all blog other people’s song lyrics and post music videos of the latter in a vain attempt to drive our unrequited feelings home, but then wonder about whether or not they’ve even been noticed. We all make the same mistakes that millions before us have. Those who have a soul of some kind can’t help but feel gypped at the end of Pretty in Pink when Duckie doesn’t get the girl. Meanwhile, a chorus of realists scream that that is just how life is and that our idealism is so passé if not a downright effrontery to fatalism. How do we escape the trappings of melancholy? There are multiple MacGyver-like escape routes, but this is an opinion piece and not a self-help column. The truth

is that personally I revel in the lachrymose pangs of never getting what everyone thinks I might deserve or don’t in some cases. If you go for awhile without something solid, like a one-night stand here or a couple dead-end dates there, then it isn’t enough to stave off anything direly clinical in the depression department. Managing to nab these moments of futility are possibly the only facets of the whole fucked up game that will keep you going. So there is that glimmering piece of advice for those of you out there that need some encouraging. Simply put, have a good time while you can. Another truth is that there aren’t other fish in the sea. Due to over-fishing, there is an acute dearth of fresh fish. Think about another metaphor that involves fishing that is really a moment of instinctual panic, which can be understood as a near death experience. The “one that got away” gets to live for a short while longer until someone else hooks them, guts them, filets them and devours them. To quote the late, great Mitch Hedberg, “Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going ‘Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!’” Truly, there are those that would like to just camouflage themselves into the maelstrom of a conventional social life that sees them in a “normal, healthy relationship.” You know, one of those things that your folks are always going on about? So pining for your average person isn’t fulfilling; but I liken this urge to any form of artistry in that any artist worth their brush, quill or bow is aiming for the impossible and if they aren’t then they’re doing it incorrectly. UNION WEEKLY

17 FEBRUARY 2009





Certain lessons from the first year I spent at Carmichael Elementary stick out more than others. There’s the day I learned that using a urinal in public requires a more tactful disrobing than the pants-to-ankles method I had been practicing privately. The thrill of freeze tag; the agony of dirt clods. But the most important lesson still stings fresh in my mind: you have to check your water fountain for bees. It was early in the school year, one sweaty august afternoon stuck waiting for my mom to get off work at 3pm and pick me up. Most of my time was spent pushing the merry-go-round and riding the weak high of dizziness over and over again like a vertigo junkie. This particular day I was feelin parched and rather than wait for that coveted juicebox at home in the fridge, I sauntered up to the old schoolhouse and over to the old pipe drinking faucets. Like most old drinking faucets, these had a twist valve that required the full strength and torque of a large child to operate. I grabbed firmly and dropped my weight to the ground to drag the handle around, the faucet still thrillingly unchecked for bees. The bee sipping water from deep down inside the faucet was not enthused with my decision. He (we’re just going to assume it was a boy bee for expedience sake) flew to the first piece of flesh he could find (the fingertip of my left middle finger) and grabbed on as I began to yell and grunt wildly; partly out of fear but mostly in astonishment that the machine tasked with serving water had instead dispensed bees (and angry bees at that). “BEES!” I screamed and ran toward the office building, middle finger outstretched and leading me up the long driveway. My shoulder charged the office door and I wheeled around to the front desk and set my wrist down, fist up, middle finger still standing proudly toward the sky. The secretary looked shocked, and I mistook this as her rapt attention. “BEEEEES!!!” I screamed again. She still looked shocked, but without understanding. I summoned a few more words to the cause. “A BEE STUNG ME. IT HUUUURTS!!!” The school nurse, sensing her cue, retrieved me to her office. “Relax.” She said, in an obvious attempt to get me to stop flipping the bird, but I remained clenched and defiant. She pulled out her magnifying glass and tweezers and began to study the offending area. Suddenly, her expression slackened. “Are you sure you were stung?” No, there was no stinger. “But, it landed on me… I think it was a black bee.” I chose to omit that I had been squinting in anguish at the time of contact. I also chose to omit that I had no idea what a black bee was, but I was convinced it was more menacing than normal, yellow bees. The nurse mercifully gave me a band-aid. “Just in case.” I shuffled out the door and back to the playground where my mom was waiting in her car. “I got stung by a bee today.” I told her. “What?!” she replied. “Yeah, well it’s healed now. I got a band-aid.”


ISSUE 64.04

“They said this place was a free country, now it turns out that the guy that said that was full of shit.” –Billy Price, Billy the Kid



ello again, folks. We’ve been getting tons of mail lately and it’s much appreciated. I don’t have much room ‘cause some girl wanted the horoscopes back, so onto the mail: Hi there! I just wanted to write the Union to thank Andy Kneis for his thoughtful and timely article about saving money during the financial crisis. His advice was loads of help. I tried pinching a penny. It worked great!! I pinched that sucker for 55 minutes until I could feel my fingers anymore and they turned all purple. Super fun! And that rapping into bugs idea?! Dude. As soon as I finished the article I drove up to my uncle’s honey farm in Temecula with my cousin Larb and a crate full of zip lock bags. I filled up bag with Apis mellifera cranked up some 2 Live Crew on my minidisk player, and dropped the beat!! My voice sounded great with all that buzzing. Larb got some videos on his cell phone so as soon as I’m out of the intensive care unit I’ll get them posted on youtube (username: cakebaker143)! In the end I would have to say that Andy’s advice didn’t really save me that much money what with ice packs and Ibuprofen for my fingers, and the $470 copay for my emergency room visit, but I

AQUARIUS Jan 20-Feb 18 Your epidermis is showing, and by that I mean your horrendous looking face. God is crying on California because he can’t stop thinking about his biggest mistake: you. PISCES Feb 19-March 20 2008 was a bad year for you. And 2009 will also be a bad year for you. Practice tying nooses, it will come in handy later. ARIES March 21-April 19 You don’t know this yet, but the candy you received on Valentine’s Day was actually stolen from a bum on 7th. That explains why it was so chewy. TAURUS April 20-May 20

would do it all again in a heart beat. Thanks Andy! faithfully, Raybob Bobstien Dear Raybob, On behalf of Andy Kneis, you’re welcome. Dear Union/Grunion, Kudos on making me laugh yet again. I looked at the Grunion page of this week’s edition of the Union Weekly and laughed out loud at the Picture of Fozzy Bear as a possibly communist military governmental leader. I laughed loud enough that one person near me asked what I was laughing at and I had to explain the joke to them and they STILL did not get it. Bravo on a fantastically funny joke/punchline combination. Material like this is the reason i pick up the Union every week every semester. I start on the back page before flipping it the other way to read the rest of it. I do have one request. Can I get the picture of Fozzy fronting the APC’s sent to me? Please? I would greatly appreciate it and it would only be used my personal desktop and nothing else. Keep up the good work, Greg Santucci Long Beach, CA Education Major Dear Greg, On behalf of Sophisticated Bear, enjoy your new wallpaper. Ask Away! Need advice from a man named Beef? Any questions/comments? Well send all questions to!

going to find you and cut your ankles with a knife if you don’t stop talking. LEO July 23-Aug 22

I am the Future so you should really listen to me: you are going to have uncontrollable diarrhea in your poli-sci class later this week. You won’t be able to prevent this. Please bring some extra towels or something.

VIRGO Aug 23-Sept 22

I was just on the other line with God. It looks like the world is going to end on your birthday.


GEMINI May 21-June 21

LIBRA Sept 23-Oct 22 Man, I’m going to be honest with you, you’re a blowhard. Try and work on that, or else your future is just going to be all blowhardy. You know what I mean? SCORPIO Oct 23-Nov 21 I know you’re stalking that one chick so first off, stop. Second, it’s not normal to have your guinea pig eat hay off your dick—so yeah, that too, you should stop. SAGITTARIUS Nov 22-Dec 21

CANCER June 22-July 22 So, like, yeah, you’re, like, super stoked on going to Coachella, and like, it’s going to be so raaaad—I am

CAPRICORN Dec 22-January 19 Hey, your drinking problem is becoming, well, a problem. Really, I think your eyes are turning yellow, man—get it together! Come on!

You won’t have to go to class tomorrow morning because a giant rabbit will eat you in your sleep. Your story will contribute to many future children’s biggest fears for years to come. I know you really wanted to sleep with that guy last night but he was only a few months away from coming out of the closet. Consider it the first of many close calls to come in 2009.


17 FEBRUARY 2009

You will enter the Jack Bauer Contest and win! So write 24 words of what torture means to you and send it in! Claim that which is your destiny!

MIKE PALLOTTA Editor-in-Chief KATHY MIRANDA Managing Editor JOE BRYANT Managing Editor

MATT DUPREE Senior Editor RACHEL RUFRANO Opinions Editor JAMES KISLINGBURY News Director CAITLIN CUTT Literature Editor & PR JOE BRYANT Entertainment Editor SEAN BOULGER Music Editor & PR KATIE REINMAN Creative Arts Editor MICHAEL VEREMANS Creative Writing Editor VICTOR CAMBA Comics Editor KATHY MIRANDA Culture Editor SOPHISTICATED BEAR Grunion Editor CLAY COOPER, STEVEN CAREY Graphic Designers CHRIS LEE Photo Editor JOE BRYANT On-Campus Distribution CLAY COOPER Internet Caregiver ALLAN STEINER Advertising Executive KATRINA SAWHNEY, ERIN HICKEY, ALAN PASSMAN, JASON OPPLIGER, CHRISTINE HODINH, JESSE BLAKE, DOMINIC MCDONALD, HILLARY CANTU, RUSSELL CONROY, ANDREW LEE, KEN CHO, TYLER DINLEY, ANDY KNEIS, MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN, SIMONE HARRISON, TESSA NEVAREZ, JOHN YANG, KEVIN O’BRIEN, TRAVIS OTT-CONN, SHAWN BRANDEN, ALEJANDRO P. MARTINEZ, CHRIS FABELA, MONA KOZLOWSKI, KENT GEROW Contributors Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office. Questions? Comments? MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.5684 E-MAIL : WEB :

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AND THE GHOST OF CAPITALISM MICHAEL VEREMANS On Friday the 13th Congress passed a Massive Economic Stimulus Plan in order to try to cushion the Inevitable Fall of Our Inflated Economy. The only step left is for Obama to sign it into effect, well, that and for the Monies to be Disbursed, Utilized, and Checked On. Clearly, this is a Colossal Proposition for Our New President, who has been Hustling across the Country to explain to the American People (and Our Congressional Representatives) why this was not so much of a Good Idea as an Urgent Imperative for a Country already in a Recession. $787 Billion has been Approved to Aid Ailing Companies in America that have been Heavily Affected by the Credit Crunch and the Slowdown, a third coming in the form of Tax Breaks and Tax Incentives. Obama Hopes this will Create Millions of Jobs as the Unemployment Rate Grows, without saying how many Jobs will Disappear as a result. The President has already had a more Difficult Time than he expected from the outset to Carryout his “Socialist” Stimulus Bill, convincing Senate Republicans to Support the Bill as though there were No Other Options. One of the Problems that We Originally had with the Federal Money being Pumped into the Banks and Wall Street as an Immense Lack of Oversight. Obama has announced in his Weekly Radio Address that the Public Funds will be subject to a sort of Democratic Internet Oversight, where the Tax Payer can log in and See what Our Money is being used for, Claiming that Americans can also Voice Our Concerns to this supposed Electronic Ombudsman. Our Government isn’t a Boys Club anymore and most of Us are No Longer Happy with the Laissez-faire way in which the Previous Administration Wasted Our Tax Money and Our Time. We can only Hope that Corruption Takes a Dive, but with a Salary Cap of $500,000 being placed on the CEOs of Aided Firms, We will probably see more Companies doing more Illegal Things to Push Profits, now with the Aid of the Government. We call this Fascism and it’s happening in China. We must call for a Central Government that doesn’t Kick Back when it comes to Our Livelihoods, Never Stop Pushing for Obama’s Promised Follow-Through, but even if the Stimulus Package is Successful, We will only be Patching a Sinking Ship. Reflecting on the Mode of Living in a Country as close to Our Own Culture as Canada, We can see that a Lifestyle Change Is Necessary if We want to put the breaks on the Demon Rollercoaster of Capitalism. The Ups are great, but like Cocaine, the Downs are not worth it and so We Think it is about Time (as though the Time hasn’t come again and again) to Stop Trifling—introduce a Cannabis Economy instead. For instance, why are Public Trashcans not separated into Recycling Sections, a move that would be Lucrative to the City too: the Collected Waste Material can be sold on the Post-Consumer Market. Just an Idea, but Our Economy is Reflecting not only Our Poor Money Management as a Country (yeah, where is the $787 billion coming from?), but Our equally Deleterious Selfish Mindset too. This week, Newsweek claimed on their Front Cover that We are now Socialist. Let’s Hope so.



ast Wednesday ASI ushered in another season of political competition on campus with the announcement that applications for Student Body Offices will now be accepted. Student Body Offices include traditional political roles such as President, Vice President, Treasurer and Senator At Large. In conjunction with those offices is a variety of Senate Representatives, one for each college respectively, as well as appointments for the Media Board and Student Union Board. The general elections are still a long way off as university bylaws dictate that they are to occur every Spring Semester, but the process of preparing for them has already begun. Kim Hinckson, the Assistant Director of Student Involvement and Leadership outlined the process up to this point. Hinckson stated that “The Board of Elections start meeting early in the fall to get the dates of elections down pat…typically they work on suggestions

STATE OF THE BEACH JOHN YANG Yesterday was President’s Day, or Washington’s Birthday, and like most federal holidays, it’s completely lost its original meaning. Plus, we didn’t get the day off, so who cares? Did you notice last Monday those gratuitous full color, glossy inserts on abortion in the Daily 49er? Whatever side you are on about abortion, no one needs to see mangled fetuses in full color without warning. Great move by the ‘Niner. And if you can’t get enough of the Daily 49er (for whatever reason), try reading the Long Beach Post, and if you can’t get enough of the Union, try reading the District Weekly. The Union Weekly is finally online, complete with current and past issues (including our very first issue). The Grunion is online, as well, complete with a blog by Sophisticated Bear. Twilight is playing today and tomorrow at five and eight o’ clock, and a preemptive condolences to all the boyfriends who get dragged to it. Interested in politics? Make a difference (positive or negative) and apply for senate and executive positions with ASI—Pick up your application at USU 311, and hop to it because filing ends on the 24th. Poets Lounge is on Thursday at the Soroptmist House where you’ll find kids who’ve figured out that poetry is just rapping without the music or money. The Long Beach Art Theater (on Fourth Street, a block from Portfolio’s) plays midnight movies every Friday night. Sid & Nancy played last week and this week will be The Legend of the God’s Gun.

from the year prior…then we go into marketing elections.” While Hinckson expressed excitement for the coming elections and the new candidates, he was also concerned if the student body has the gumption to step up to the plate. “Across the nation folks are more politically aware but they’re not necessarily getting involved, were hoping that with the recent federal elections…we’ll see some more [students] getting involved.” Now is the time for that political involvement. The application process is streamlined and devoid of red tape. Anyone from a freshman to super senior can apply by going to the ASI offices located on the top floor of the Student Union and requesting an application packet. The packet is made up of a simple application, a list of open positions, a form to gather campaign workers, as well as a calendar of all upcoming ASI meetings—many of which are mandatory. The nearest date is Tuesday, February 24, which signals the end of first round of applications. Also included is a letter outlining the base requirements for running for office, which include a 2.0 GPA and status as a fulltime student. This is understandable when looking at the college transcripts of successful politicians such as former President Bush and Senator John Kerry, both of whom held C averages throughout their stints at Yale. Hopefully students will realize the opportunity that ASI provides and will take hold of their future, as well as the future of CSULB. Hinckson concluded on a positive note. “It’s a tremendous leadership opportunity and the CSUs are like no other student government, there is a tremendous amount of power and…work you can do for students” adding that “You become a completely different person after that year.” Remember a while back you kids voted a certain African-American to the highest office in the land? Well, turns out he can’t win bi-partisan support. Lucky for him (and us) that Democrats control both houses. Crashing a course? Four weeks late? No problem. Just remember that the final deadline to add courses (with a $10 missed deadline fee) is coming up on the 20th. Don’t uderstand the world? Just head over to the Pointe conference center in CSULB’s Walter Pyramid on February 18th and ask Dr. James Stein to explain it all to you—just make sure to register first at http://www.cnsm. (or crash it). The Tongva people will be hosting the largest annual Pow-Wow in California in March at their Puvunga, known to many as “That empty plot of land next to the Japenese Gardens.” And for all the folks wondering: No, nothing is ever going to be built there, so drop it. I know we all already approved it, but the total cost of that Recreation and Wellness Center (or “Rec-Well,” as I call it) is going to be sixty-one million dollars. CSULB to construction—“Get to work!” Are you looking for someone to thank (or blame, complain to, annoy) about the CSULB ASI website? Talk to David Kleen, IT Manager for ASI in the ASI business office. For some strange mystical reason, bowling at the USU is only one dollar on Thursdays. There are no other such deals for other equipment/sports. Know anything interesting on campus? Drop us a line at! UNION WEEKLY

17 FEBRUARY 2009



eanut Butter Wolf is as legit as you can get. At the ripe age of nine, Chris Manak and friends had already started their amateur careers, crafting mixtapes and causing your ordinary pre-teen ruckus. Before they knew it, the ’80s would bring hip-hop into their lives, foreshadowing the musical promise of break beats, funk, and soul re-issues, and the independent hiphop record label we now know as Stones Throw Records. Manak, better know as PB Wolf, began his DJing career recording with partner MC Charizma in the late ’80s. They signed with Disney affiliate Hollywood Basic until creative differences led them both on another path—that is until the untimely death of Charizma. The tragedy left PB Wolf without an MC, and motivation for that matter. Thankfully, Wolf attempted an instrumental album, Peanut Butter Breaks, which re-sparked the flame of his musical career, leading him on his journey to becoming a producer. In 1996, Wolf founded Stones Throw Records with the posthumous release of “My World Premiere” by Charizma, as a kind of homage to his former partner. The label features an eclectic variety of sounds, all inspired by basic hip-hop and soul fundamentals. PB Wolf collaborates with the likes of Madlib, Quasimoto, Jaylib, and Madvillain. PB Wolf ’s style isn’t so easily defined. It’s not like I can say he’s a hip-hop DJ that throws in a little bit o’

funk. Or a soul DJ that incorporates jazz and rap. It’s better described as a form of musical expression that alters its shape to an artist’s acquired taste. In PB Wolf ’s older records you can hear the classic Bay Area hip-hop set-up: a simple beat with an MC spitting over it, the steady old-skool melodies that make you bob your head back and forth to the bass. His newer compilations experiment more with sound to highlight the featured artists. Wolf uses his knowledge of obscure world music and rare samples to cater to the more modern sounds of hip-hop. As a DJ, the talent and the essence of the music will always come down to the art of crate-diggin’. He is essentially an all-encompassing DJ, from house to dub reggae, to industrial to ’70s afro-latin disco, and ’80s hip-hop to what I love the most, deep funk samples and rare soul—this guy is just a musical encyclopedia. Every cut is crafted to create a different rhythm while paying tribute to artists that came before us. And with that said, PB Wolf is a kind of scientist, combining different sounds together to create something entirely fresh. He’s also not afraid of mixing mediums, from vinyl to digital and most recently video. He’s definitely

Sorry, Guys. Incredibad, the debut album from mock emcees The Lonely Island, released on Tuesday, February 10th nationwide. The gang of misfit, white comedic rappers consists of Andy Samberg, Jorma Taccone, and Akiva Schaffer, all of which currently work on NBC’s Saturday Night Live. The group’s most notable productions have been “Lazy Sunday,” “I’m on a Boat,” “Jizz in my Pants,” and “Dick in a Box” featuring Justin Timberlake. All of these are shorts directed by Schaffer and air as digital shorts on SNL. The album is rife with catchy beats and celebrity contributors, including E-40, T-Pain, Julian Casablancas of Strokes fame, and Norah Jones of Norah Jones fame. The songs featured on the album seem to be littered with inside jokes (either that or the majority of them just weren’t funny), and save for a few diamonds in the rough the CD doesn’t really garner a second listen. The best songs on the album have already been featured on SNL and are currently very popular Internet videos. Notable songs that have not been nationally aired are

contributing to a new movement of DJing. What we will probably see Wolf doing at Coachella is manipulating the sound of his set to the movement of a music video on screen. This motivates a fusion of mediums, and again, is another big up to avant-garde music. There’s nothing more to say except listen to, or even watch, the man spin. His music is the definition of feel-good. It’s nostalgic of our history and a true reflection of our progressive musical tastes. Peanut Butter Wolf is good to eat, so eat him up.

turns out the debut album from the lonely island JUST ISn’t all that great.

“Boombox” featuring Casablancas and “Dreamgirl” featuring Norah Jones. The album comes with a bonus DVD featuring seven videos that have been produced by the group, including a purposely low-budget skit entitled “Just Two Guys” with Taccone and Schaffer. Therefore, at a price of $9.99 it is not a completely terrible buy. Their beats are catchy and their rhymes are legitimate, but all in all the CD just is not as funny as their popular videos would lead you to believe. Despite a few brief flashes of genius, the album as a whole is bit of a dud, but it does show potential. There is no doubt that the group will only get funnier and will continue to produce entertaining digital shorts to fill the void that has been left on the show for so many years. Their songs will only get more ridiculous and I wouldn’t be surprised to see some even bigger names collaborating with them in the future. The one really great thing you can say about the album is that it is pretty fucking original, these guys are doing something that hasn’t really been done before. Sure you have people like Weird


Al, Adam Sandler, Stephen Lynch, and Tenacious D (Jack Black perfoms a song called “Sax Man” on the TLI album), but what these guys are doing is slightly more interesting. They are using original beats and basically making songs that parody popular music by making popular music. Many of the songs, if you weren’t paying close attention, come off sounding like actual pop/hiphop songs. The interludes between the songs, however, were a little unclear. It’s hard to tell if they are purposely bad or if they just missed their mark. Reviewing a comedy album is difficult because comedy may be even more subjective than music, so to sit here and tell you whether or not it’s funny is a little pointless. If you are interested in the group go out and pick up Incredibad in stores now, but in all honestly the good songs are going to end up on the Internet or SNL eventually. Unless The Lonely Island is your all-time favorite group of white kids with dreams of comic rap success, then you can probably keep on going about your business happily having never heard any of it. UNION WEEKLY

17 FEBRUARY 2009

SPEARHEADING THE REVOLUTION Scott Beibin leads the way in positive activism, living green, and saving the Earth. RACHEL RUFRANO


have a really funny story that relates to The Weather Underground, raw food, and sex toys.” This is how a lot of Scott Beibin’s stories seem to begin. He’s sitting cross-legged on the floor of a garden with me and fellow Union staffer Caitlin Cutt, and it isn’t long before we find out that Beibin is a fan of Devo, an avid Vonnegut reader, and really into ’60s radicalism. Sounds like a lot of people we may know, but Beibin is much more than a great storyteller—he’s an example of the lifestyle of our future. Beibin is staying in a house in a burgeoning green community in Culver City, secluded somewhere up in the hills overlooking the NPR West office and the Los Angeles skyline. The mid-century modern house is filled with Moroccan architecture and every lantern is powered


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by the solar panels that line the roof. It’s so self-sufficient that the electric meter rolls backwards—It generates energy back to the power plant. Chris Paine, writer and director of Who Killed the Electric Car? (and currently working on the sequel), is in the kitchen making carrot-pineapple juice and talking about the architecture of the house. He speaks passionately, spinning his hands around in the air and saying he wants the Moroccan decor to explicate the way America communicates with North Africa. Beibin is on his laptop Twittering about Power Shift, a national student group based in D.C. focused on climate change and global warming. During a time when Americans are just starting to understand the true impact of their carbon footprint, Beibin is truly living green, and it’s a way of life he’s always realized was possible.

I’m sitting with Caitlin and Beibin in a garden that’s growing lettuce, peas, artichoke, and parsley. He pulls a piece of lettuce from the garden and starts eating. Beibin has been vegan for twenty-two years. “I feel it’s the most consistent way to express my concern for the environment,” he says. “If I believe in saving the environment then I believe there’s more to it than recycling and turning off a light.” It’s a brave statement to make considering he lives in Southern California, a sequestered region of the world that rationalizes its right to convenience and instant gratification, but Beibin remembers always having cared about the Earth, the cycle of life, and the negative contributions we can make to it. “I guess as a young kid I always felt that everything came from somewhere. I always tried to think about the patterns of consumption.” Although it seems that Californians are more aware of the need to care for the environment, we haven’t done much to change our way of life, but Beibin doesn’t expect everyone to live in an energy-efficient sanctuary like this one—not yet, at least. I ask him what we can do, considering most of us haven’t grown up with an innate compassion for the environment. “A really good exercise is to think about the patterns of consumption—to basically write down the things that we like. We like going to the movies, we like particular foods, we like going on trips, we like sex, we like all different kinds of things. Then think about these things and what types of physical objects and actions are speakers and performers. “All the projects are somehow involved. Where does everything come from and where involved in social change, environment, and economic does everything go?” he says, sitting with his arms around justice. But the challenge is making these projects fun his knees, “Let’s say someone likes to eat yogurt. Think and cool for everybody.” He founded the agency with about the yogurt and how it’s processed. It’s processed Liz Cole, whom we had a chance to speak with over the in a plant and involves refrigeration, shipping from phone while she was working in Philadelphia. “When one place to the other, then, going back even further, it I met Scott…he was wearing a shirt that said ‘I’m too comes from a cow and sexy for my diaper,’” Cole the cow is producing laughed. They supported “I guess as a young kid I always methane and carbon The Weather Underground felt that everything came from dioxide. The plastic from documentary, keeping the container comes somewhere. I always tried to think in my mind that there from some processing controversy that about the patterns of consumption.” was plant halfway across the surrounded Bill Ayers country or the world and the looming war in [and is] shipped in trucks. The aluminum lid that we got Iraq, and they knew that people would be interested. from strip mining somewhere in the world destroyed an They started doing screening tours with Bill Ayers and entire part of the countryside. When you’re done with director Sam Greene. “That’s kind of how Evil Booking the yogurt, which takes two minutes to eat…you peel off got started. But then we started working with The Yes that aluminum lid and you throw it in the trash.” Men and showing their short films.” Cole gushed over It wasn’t something that I’d ever thought about the phone about the upcoming projects and the book while eating yogurt before, but whether I’m aware of she’s working on. “It’s really exciting!” it or not, the ramifications are real. “All these different It makes sense that at the core of Beibin’s projects systems are interconnected,” he says, and I think of how is the Lost Film Festival. He used to run a record label I could let something so simple go unnoticed because I and got involved with the do-it-yourself punk scene. was concerned with neither the means nor the end. But He met a group of high school students who wanted to Beibin’s compassion doesn’t end with consumerism— screen movies and hold concerts on a baseball field in that’s only the beginning. their neighborhood and, out of that idea, came the Lost He’s a major proponent of positive activism, the Film Festival. Beibin was in Seattle during the World idea that using positive language is a more effective Trade Organization Ministerial Conference of 1999 and way to protest. “A lot of [activists] orient their protests documented the police brutality. He started showing around anger, and it’s okay to be angry about injustice, the footage to an audience, pausing it to narrate and tell but it’s also very important to be conscious of what stories. The word spread and the audiences grew and affects change in using language,” says Beibin. You may since the success of the Lost Film Festival, he’s moved remember a spoof of The New York Times that came on to start even more projects like Scientists are the New out last November with the tagline “All the News We Rock Stars, in which he supports scientists and their Hope to Print.” The headlines read, “Iraq War Ends” efforts to change the world. “There’s this whole new way and “Nation Sets its Sights on Building Sane Economy.” of being open and sharing ideas and looking at the ideas It was a tangible dream of the future, and Beibin was and the bigger picture. Too many ideas are tied up in shocked to find that, not only was he commenting on the financial interest.” way we protest, but the way mainstream media portrays But Beibin and his way of life is more than just an information inaccurately. New York was shocked after idea. He sees the same injustices and issues as we do, 80,000 copies were distributed, but when The Associated but he’s doing something about it. It isn’t easy to ignore Press asked Beibin how many copies were distributed, the apathy that surrounds us, and yet Beibin has done he told them 1.2 million—and that’s exactly what The that on a larger scale than I’ve ever seen. “If we’re really Associated Press reported. serious about saving the planet we need to really get past Beibin also co-founded Evil Twin Booking, an all these aspects of selfishness and start learning how to agency that organizes club, campus, and festival tours for actually use these tools. We have such a privilege [in the

No, this is not an optical illusion. Beibin’s garden is really this green. United States] to be around universities and have access to materials.” From the food he puts in his mouth, to the crowd of people he surrounds himself with, to the activist communities he organizes, he’s an extraordinary example of our future. We may have dug ourselves into an environmental and economic hole, but the light at the end of the tunnel is a vegan Devo-fan wearing a shirt that says, “I’m too sexy for my diaper,” and it’s never looked better. UNION WEEKLY

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he Oscars, like most things, are still run by old white people. This means that sometimes “films” such as Crash are awarded Best Picture of the year. All the same, the Academy holds a presence of such unquestioned superiority that despite their oft blatant missteps, the wind expelled on critiquing the subject proves mostly inconsequential. Instead, here the idea is to discuss for a moment the merits of films this year overall and possibly provide you with a few movies to watch.



In a year of shrug-worthy features, particularly following the Anderson/Coen oeuvres of 2007, there doesn’t seem to be a film honestly worthy of hoisting the Golden Statue. Frost/Nixon is the strongest of the nominated films here and even that felt perfunctorily clean and pedestrian. Instead of troubling yourself with watching the Best Picture nominations this year, go right the wrongs of Academy past and watch Taxi Driver.


BEST DIRECTOR Charlie Kaufman’s directorial debut stretched the canvas of celluloid narrative in such a way that it will be years before his brilliant and troubling Synecdoche, New York finds a real audience. With just this film Kaufman expands the lexicon of feature film language and advances the medium as an art form. Most directors never even approach this level of filmmaking throughout their entire lives. The problem now is that he just completed his Moby Dick on the first time out. Maybe he can take up painting or something. UNION WEEKLY

17 FEBRUARY 2009

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY From its visually operatic opening sequence and vibrantly rendered landscapes to the perfectly employed Svankmajer-like stop motion sequence, The Fall was a cinematic treasure throughout. Moreover, it’s actually a pretty solid film. Director Tarsem Singh and freshman Cinematographer Colin Watkinson craft a dazzling visual wonderland that weaves reality and fantasy into almost one fabric. Plus, this has one of the single coolest jump cuts I have ever seen. Honorable Mentions: Paranoid Park – Gus Van Sant may have almost nothing to say here, but because everything Christopher Doyle films is gorgeous, the way he shoots nothing is (to say the least) very pretty. Wendy and Lucy – Kelly Reichardt is among the freshest voices in current American cinema and her sophomore feature retains the lush and pristine hue of the Pacific Northwest in which her films take place. WALL-E – Even though it is in no way “technically” eligible for a cinematography award, the feel and presence of the images, the lighting, the tone, are all absolutely mesmerizing.

BEST ACTOR Philip Seymour Hoffman. For: everything he does.

BEST ACTRESS Default to the Oscars on this one. Anne Hathaway.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR The hype train proceeding Heath Ledger’s final performance was such a touted element of The Dark Knight, it was almost difficult not to hang on every word his twisted portrayal of The Joker delivered. This is deserved. Not for dying before the film premiered, but for creating a substantial evil villain, for crafting a broken and insane lunatic with the eyes of a human being. Ledger’s performance raised the bar of this film immeasurably and almost every second he is on screen is remarkable.


Amy Sedaris was pretty great in Snow Angels. Katherine Keener is terrific in Synecdoche.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY Kaufman’s script is even better than his movie. The fact that this is not even nominated, while not surprising, is bluntly unreasonable. Watch this movie. Honorable Mention: Pineapple Express – Comedies can be written well too. This is an example of that.


Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Shame. Shame. Shame. Spielberg and Lucas should literally be tried for treason. At the very least tarred and feathered. Honorable Mentions: Australia – A sprawling disaster. The Spirit – When Samuel L. Jackson dressed as a Nazi is not interesting even on a deconstructionist, meta level, you’re in for trouble.

ENTERTAINMENT CONFESSIONS OF SOMEONE WHO DRINKS TO A DRUNK REVIEW OF CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPOH RACHEL RUFRANO [Editor’s Note: This movie was viewed while inebriated and subsequently reviewed inebriated. What follows is the review as it was originally written; no copy-editing was done to correct grammar, spelling, or punctuation.]

ehr. i THINK it’s hugh dancy. well whoever it is he soooo cute. u didnt recognize any songs from the movie they were all songs like if you walk into charlotte rouse that is excatly what kind of music youd heare.


he movie was about a girl who spent too much money. but she could have bought all those clothes at forever21 and saved a whole two hours of my life and, no, i ocould be in bet cuz of forever21. that placce actually good stuff if you look. but this movie had THE WORST SOUNDTRACK EVEEEEERRR... this review is bad already. do over. okay. girl in the green scarf. she bought this green scarf and then she got famous becuase she wrote a columb about a green scarf.i mean she wrote about how she spent money but the green scarf does not define her just like the RV doesnt define john goodman. there are so many good actors in this movie. like the girl with the voice from lost in america and the guy from third rock from the sun. john lithgow. and john goodman and joan cuack. everyone in the theater was laughing ath stuff that wast funny. like the automatic pencil sharpener in the middle of meeting! WACKY! then there was this gay guy receptionist but ou could tell he wasnt gay. i cant believe isla fisher is married to sasha baron cohen cuz he is hot and she isnt even funny. i could marry borat. i could. more than caitlin could. dont listen to her. i dont remember the movie. i probably shouldnt revie w it. okay. do over. real review now. girl in the green scarf. hugh dancy falls in love with

Drunk girls and bad cinema, the pref erred hunting ground of our Music Editor.

there was a trailer for this planet earth movie and a part when a baby duckling jumps in slow motion . that was the best part of the whole night. and this guy at el torito in suspenders. this is dumb. do over. okay a real review now. for realz now.. kristen ritter in it and i always thought she dressed cool but he isnt a good actress AT ALL. theres this part where shopaholic and her friend yell at each other and its really funny. oh, and kristen ritter’s boyfriend in the movie is a guy named turkey. and the hugh dancy guy is FLUKE~~~~@!!



WHAT? WHAT! OKAY but the moral of the story is that stuff doesnt define you. your are difeind by oh my god i totally forgot this is the scariest movie ever .the whole movie there are these scary moving mannequins and they talk to you and they clap. they do the slow clap and they smile scary. they’re like buy this scarf because it will make your eyes look bigger and it realyl works she really buys the scarf. A GREEN SCARF. and she’s in debt and this guy is looking for her and he looks like the guy from the incredibles. the guy the that fires the dad. and he goes on tv and is like YOU OWE ME MONEY. and lesley bibb is in it. the girl from popular. i think she had a lot of botox. which is why hugh dancy doesnt fall in love wither. OBVIOUSLY. in the end they kiss in front of the mannequins . im talking about shopaholic (RECOVERED) and hugh dancy (FLUCK) im going to say that form now on, but they kiss, and the mannequins clap. all the clothes she wears are so ugly. its like 80s barbie. do not see this movie. if you want to meet stupd eople go to this movie because they are all there. this is th3 dumbest review. i could prboaly write a good one but i dont feel like it. i have to write a feature tomorrow morning. Goodnight you guys. I should have seen he’s just not that into you.


FRIDAY THE 13TH IS STUPID, BUT FUN MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN The Jason series has been going on for decades and has gained a strong following along the way. Though this reboot to the series is full of the classic kills and laughs that the Friday the 13th faithful have come to expect, it falls short of being considered one of the legends of the slasher genre. After a brief intro summarizing the original Friday the 13th, a group of teens pull into Crystal Lake looking for a massive marijuana crop, and a good time. This 20 minute warm up is pure horror movie fun, overloaded with the series patented brutal kills and gratuitous sex. After the title screen, the excitement wears off and a new group of teenage hoodlums are visiting Crystal Lake for summer vacation. All the bases are covered, nerdy Asian stoner, quasi-token black stoner, whiney rich white guy, quiet girl, and of course, the slutty chicks. The summer festivities are interrupted by Clay, a mysterious 20-something biker looking for his sister (one of Jason’s victims from the intro). From here all of the momentum of the first 20 minutes of the film evaporates as we instead are treated to 30 minutes of beer pong and

Clay asking local after local if they have seen his sister. This section of the film is as painful as the first section was awesome. Thankfully Jason finally has enough and begins his second rampage of the film, which does not disappoint. This film is an excellent example of the difference between a bad film and a bad theatre experience. Of course the film is plagued by a lot serious flaws, but Friday the 13th is a series that doesn’t take itself too seriously. It is a film that demands a very vocal, passionate audience to turn the stilted dialogue and cliché characters from a handicap to a spectacle. The film knows its audience and delivers an assload of “what the fuck” moments. Aside from the constant flow of overly explanatory dialogue, there are some lines that transcend the genre, like when whiney pretty boy Trent tells a girl that her “tits are stupendous” in the throws of passion. Jason is at the top of his game in this film and the kills are a mix of greatest hits from the franchise and innovative new deaths that are sure to delight any fan of the genre. Friday the 13th definitely has its share of serious problems, but the full effect of this bloody film more than outweighs any downside the weak script creates.

Jason is a man who knows what he likes—stalking, headwounds, and boobs. So many boobs. While the lack of tension prevents this movie from being scary, it manages to stay true to the roller coaster formula that has made Jason an icon.


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Still-Life of Fruit Suppurating in a wood bowl, overflowing the lip; I bought this fruit to eat. In separate plastic bags, I am reminded of buying goldfish, lowering them into cooler tanks like so many grapes pulled under the tap, purple and bubbling, translucent skin knocking translucent plastic (I used to marvel at their translucence) their variegated guts, marbles rolling across a palm, clicks of glass hitting glass. that sounded like strawberry Pop-Rocks rolling my tongue. Something strange is happening here. Air is entering these, juice coughed out with a mist of youth. Dry and drier still. And me too, eating a pear thinking Goya could have painted me this way: sucking down fruit, or even naked. He could have painted me naked, palms hungry as black pits, venerable in my nakedness, mad in my eating, like Saturn devouring his children, not wanting to be taken over just wanting to take over, cherries supplanting the eyes with gashes of red paint; or the bowl of fruit stuck as it was a week ago. No one would ever know things becoming sweeter as they died.


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COMICS Drunken Penguin Presents... by James Kislingbury

Crossword puzzles provided by Used with permission.


Caramel > You by Ken C.

Goonis 3000 by alex P.M.

1- Tibetan monk 5- Chamber 10- Take it easy 14- Pizazz 15- Cruise stops 16- Ages 17- Make 18- Baron 19- Zhivago’s love 20- Repeated 22- Emirate on the Persian Gulf 23- Wreath of flowers 24- Young dog 25- Emptiness 29- Monetary unit of Egypt 33- Cancel 34- Highlands tongue 36- Della’s creator 37- KLM rival 38- Sully 39- Seine contents 40- This, in Tijuana 42- Narrate 43- Tiffs 45- Make sharper 47- Plant-eating aquatic mammal 49- Intimidate

50- Director Jean-___ Godard 51- For all to hear 54- Devout 60- Pop 61- Blender setting 62- Payment for travel 63- Nae sayer? 64- Continental identity of a Chinese person 65- ___ boy! 66- It may become bald 67- Nobles 68- Small thrush


1- Lustful look 2- Winglike parts 3- Painter Chagall 4- Ring-shaped 5- Resembling glass 6- 1975 Wimbledon winner 7- ___ Bator, Mongolia 8- Pre-Easter season 9- Lao-___ 10- Backslide 11- Quod ___ demonstrandum 12- Franklin D.’s mother 13- Nicholas II, for one

21- Hire 22- As being 24- Pillar 25- Urns 26- Disconcert 27- ___ Rica 28- Red Sea land 29- Sacred song 30- Rare delight 31- Overjoy 32- Employ again 35- Seminary subj. 38- Simmer 41- Curved like a bow 43- Cozy 44- Peaceable 46- Seed vessel 48- Foreigners 51- Kind of prof. 52- Centers of activity 53- Smell or fragrance 54- Trick 55- Part of HOMES 56- Goneril’s father 57- Swear words 58- ___ Minor 59- Show to a table 61- Soft food for infants

What’s up, tiger lily?

e-mail editor Victor Camba: Or drop off comments at the Union office Student Union Office 239

ANSWERS Chestnut by Shawn Branden


17 FEBRUARY 2009


define: culture jamming

cul•ture jam•ming |kuhl-cher jam’ing| philosophy

by kathy miranda

1. an individualistic turning away from all forms of herd mentality–including that of social movements–and by that definition, culture jamming is generally not treated as a movement. 2. an intriguing form of political communication that has emerged in response to the commercial isolation of public life. Here are a few images you might recognize from major culture-jamming organizations: (counter-clockwise from the left) A spoof of the New York Times created by liberal pranksters, a graffiti piece by UK artist Banksy, a few tokens from popular Culture-Jammer magazine Adbusters, including a spoof ad of Calvin Klein, an illustrated image of consumerism and the 2007 cover on capitalism, a poster for 2003 movie The Yes Men, about a group of activists who participate in “identity correction” and an image in support of Critical Mass, a worldwide bicycling event held on the last Friday of every month.


n lieu of this week’s feature on positive activism, I thought it would be appropriate to shed some light on a specific kind of public activism called Culture Jamming. What is Culture Jamming exactly? I’ve provided a definition from Wiki, but the description still seems to be vague by nature. Is it a movement? Is it a collective of forward-thinking individuals looking to save the world from the evil clutch of the corporate industry? Or is it an artist’s attempt to connect to the masses? Perhaps it’s all three. Culture Jamming works in the same way as satire. Though the idea of Culture Jamming isn’t defined by a specific political or cultural message, the philosophy lends itself to poking fun at exactly that: political and social culture. A typical Culture Jammer will use different mediums to promote his or her message; these mediums include guerilla journalism, which encompasses everything from graffiti art to parodies to ad spoofs and simple D.I.Y. manifestos. The philosophy of culture jamming seems simple enough: to inform the masses of the world’s injustices and to encourage people to participate in the exercise of being in the know. Due to a global economy of consumerism, commercialism and consumption, the Culture Jammers believe that our cultural/

moral values, and well-beings for that matter, have been affected immensely, for the worst. As a result, important societal issues have been overshadowed by corporate (Nike, McDonalds) and mainstream political influences, which we all know isn’t always reflective of the truth. In this respect, Culture Jamming attempts to question the significance of these specific emblems or more clearly, the existence of these emblems, by mastering the weapon of the media and using it to its advantage. It’s clear that I’m just skimming through the definition here. Culture Jamming is an immense way of thinking all around the world. And to define it properly would be to decipher an innumerable amount of meanings and symbols— we’d have to be studying this phenomenon for forever. At its best, Culture Jamming is a medium of human discourse, a process of communication and information gathering which tests the moral precedence of our current society and reveals to the world a truth that we may or may not be ready to stomach. Culture Jammers have succeeded at their goals in the past and have been known, as their guerilla communication suggests, to illicit some

controversy. But I suppose that’s the point—after all, the whole essence of culture jamming is to do what the media does already, skew symbols and re-contextualize meanings to publicize a message, and in this case, an unconventional one at that. I’ll end with a somewhat morbid question: is this all really positive activism? Or is it just a dark reminder of our immoral, soon-to-be manufactured, deteriorating human culture? The former, I hope.


17 FEBRUARY 2009


This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Clit whistler. Send rags to

“I’m gonna stretch the dick outta this sweater.”

Volume 64 Issue 04

Tuesday, February 17th, 2009


Area Man Mistakes Loaf of Bread G7 Assembles to Discuss Global Economy, Rank Jonas Brothers for Calzone BY GAELIC FORSKYNE

Voldonski then rotated the sourdough loaf 180 degrees, so as to more readily reach the scrumptious filling that he mistakenly had built Clay Voldonski (above) is about 20 minutes away from finding out that that’s not a calzone up in his mind. (pictured top right). “I bet there’s a really thin layer of marinara—not too much, just right—with some BY SEXUAL RANDY freschetta and provolone sprinkled in,” said LONG BEACH, CA — Yesterday Clay Voldonski. “Some diced onions, black olives, Voldonski, age 34, began to consume what he and that Italian sausage from Trader Joe’s that was certain was a delicious frozen calzone, she knows I love. She probably even sliced it but what in actuality was just a loaf of bread. paper thin, just for me. Muy delicioso!” “Oh my god, this crust is so crunchy Voldonski then took a larger than avand fluffy on the inside,” said Voldonski. erage bite into the sourdough and looked “Is this sourdough? I can’t wait to get to the disappointed. “Maybe it’s still in there,” said filling. With a start this promising, it’s sure Voldonski, losing confidence. “I just gotta to not disappoint.” [sic] go a little bit further.” The loaf of sourdough bread made with After taking a few more bites and actually love just minutes earlier by Voldonski’s wife, swallowing, Voldonski began to show tears Diane, 34, was still piping hot and was sure to in his eyes. He then finished the bread. disappoint the man upon his discovery that “I can’t believe Diane lied to me about [the he had been had. “I love [my wife, Diane] so made with love loaf of sourdough bread] bemuch,” Voldonski said. “She’s just a doll.” ing a calzone,” Voldonski remembered incorAs he made his way to about the half- rectly. “This is really disappointing. I thought way point through the giant loaf, Voldon- she was better than that. I’m so full and my ski started to get frustrated. “I really ap- mouth is so dry, and for what? For what?” preciate how much effort Diane put into Voldonski then grabbed a nearby spatula this crust—and it is quite delicious—but and headed towards the living room, where when do I get to the good shit? I bet it’s all Diane was relaxing with her latest Grisham packed into the back end.” novel. “What a fucking bitch.”

ROME, ITALY — This weekend, the financial ministers from seven industrialized nations met to discuss their economic future, as well as which of the Jonas Brothers were the cutest. “We’re cutting right down to the bone of this economic downturn,” said UK Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling, “But we’ll also be handling social issues like whether [McDreamy] will end up with Meredith or not. Plus, why the hell is there a polar bear on that island? It doesn’t make a lick of sense!” Also on the table was a threeparty discussion on how mean everyone’s dad was. “I mean, he’ll let me calculate inelastic financial risk management in a semi-recession environ, but he won’t let me even take the car out to see my boyfriend Chad,” said French Finance Minister Christine Lagarde as she nervously chewed on a piece of her hair. Russia was not included in the conference despite Canada’s assurance that, “Your invitation is totally in the mail.” From his winter fortress made from the bones of vanquished enemies, the head of the Russian finance ministry (MoneyPol) had this to say, “Who wants to be invited to their stupid slumber party anyways? They’re all just a bunch of stuck up jerkfaces—plus everyone knows that

Dramatization of the awesome slumber party.

Kevin is the cutest. It’s just fact.” The minister responded by hosting his own assembly made up of uninvited nations, which would include Venezuala, Luxenbourg and Cimmeria. The catering is said to include the still beating Siberian tiger heart and the roasted carcass of a queen kraken. The Jonas Brothers gained international legitimacy last year after being included in the Bob Dylan fanzine, Rolling Stone, as well as the radical right-wing primer, TV Guide. We consulted media consultant Dwight Scheisswig on the popularity of the titular trio of tussle topped teens, “They have the perfect combination of non-threatening sexuality with soft-core mental patient rock. If you ask me, it’s only a matter of months before these cats are bigger than Jesus.” After taking another ride on the white horse Dwight said this, “That is if Jesus sucked ass.”


Existence of Female Flatulence Confirmed

Scientists in Geneva recently recorded for the first time in history, the occurance of a female farting. “And she was good looking, too,” said pootologist Kermit White. The experiment was cut short after the woman left when the scientists kept trying to rub her back. PAGE B1

Autoerotic Asphyxiation Gets the Better of Local Asthmatic

A known asthmatic, Paul Greggson, 17, also dabbled in Autoerotic Asphyxiation, a combination that proved deadly after his condition prevented him from breathing through a fucking noose after he came all over his feet last Saturday. PAGE JZ

Dick Biting Monster Steals Nation’s Hamster Returns From Adorable PAGE D0 Space Mission Black Licorice PAGE QT


This Guy Thinks You Can Change the World


This Guy Thinks You Can Change the World