Letters from the Trenches:

The Last Request Of A Soldier Dying at Trinity Ball

In the days following the results of the 95th Oscars, Paul Mescal’s degree from Trinity is to be revoked due to the fact that “Trinners is only for winners.” The IT department has been asked to divert all attention away from making exams accessible online in the upcoming week to make sure that Paul Mescal has been removed from all alumni platforms. They have also reported that a Trinity representative has been tasked with breaking into the Mescal’s home and tip-exing his Lir degree and changing the institution to Maynooth because “it seems more fitting.”

In unrelated news, Brendan Frasher has been offered an honorary degree from the Lir academy in light of his outstanding win at the academy awards. He truly stands for everything Trinity values in their alumni: being white, male and valued among other white males.

I Want To Buy Drugs at T-Ball: Any drugs, for me, please.

Hi,

I am definitely not an undercover Garda and I want to buy some drugs at TBall. I love drugs, and I can’t get enough of obtaining them through the transference of legal tender. I am going to be buying some drugs for my friends too, so I’ll need a lot. If they have a market value of over €13,000 that’d be super cool!!!

At T-Ball I will be wearing a t-shirt with a picture of The Snoop Dog on it. He is my favourite rap singer-songwriter because he likes to smoke drugs, just like me. Also, don’t be worried if I look like a 40 year-old man. I am not actually a 40 year-old man, I just have Benjamin Button disease. (It’s chronic)

Once you sell me the drugs, we can ride in the new replica Garda car that I bought. Maybe you can take some of the drugs while we are in the car and then operate the vehicle under the influence of said drugs. That would be Lit AF..

I am also looking to buy illegal firearms and concert tickets being sold at above market value. I would also like to watch somebody illegally stream a copyrighted movie. If anybody is interested in doing any of these activities, I will be waiting in front square right by the security cameras. If you would like to sell me the drugs before T-Ball you can reach me at this number: 999.

1492

Sportalians discover the land of dual BA students

Some point presumably

The Piranha was actually funny

2025

TBall exposed as elaborative plot by UCD to reduce Trinity’s QS rankings.

2032

TBall to be hosted in Qatar in December

2109

On campus construction finishes on whatever the fuck it is they're building

3027

Berkeley library renamed the Fulham library for the meme