Puhon - Reflections Literary & Art Folio 2021

Reflections is the annual folio of Publication. All published articles of the individual authors do not necessarily reflect the position of the Editorial Board. All articles are edited for reasons of space, clarity, and ethics.

THE COVER

Message from the Editor

bluesoul

@ryan_ga-as

Life has never been easy, we know it. But we constantly remind ourselves to keep going even if we get dumped and lost on the track of making things better that’s already at its worst. Well, living in this era seems to be awful. We live with no assurance as if by tomorrow we can still have a healthy life — no worries, sickness, or pain. However, life is so uncertain. We smile at the moment yet left crying at the peak of the night, asking why is this happening?

Sometimes, we can’t point out the reason — the main cause of why we experience a certain feeling out of the blue. It leaves us like we’re in the darkest corner of this world where there’s no more to see, no more to call, and no more to hope for. At some point it drags us, making us surrender all we have reached in life — the dreams and goals that we cling unto pursue what we have started and what we want to accomplish. This is life, so constant at giving us overwhelming events that we often can’t contain. Yet, we should embrace the idea that things have its own place, that everything has a purpose in our lives. It might be the worst or the best. It might occur now or sooner.

In the journey of a lifetime, remember that there will be different seasons. One might be ours and some might be for others. True to say that everything happens for a reason, that something will go and will come along our way; showing us different views in life. Life is a proof that every after the storm comes a dazzling rainbow — hopes that everything will be better, someday, in God’s time. After all, this bitterness will not stay as it is, for the best is yet to come and warm victories will soon light up our way and will drive us back at our track, guiding us all throughout our greatest journey towards happiness and success.

Extending my deepest gratitude to the people who contributed and shared their stories and artworks to make this folio an exceptional masterpiece, it’s an honor to present to you all the Reflections for 2021. Let us accept our fears, our worries, and spend our lives with hope, because in time, all that is meant for us will come

— Puhon

Message from the Chairpersons

blossom @rissa_trazo

While stuck in this pandemic, we tend to think about giving up in life as we can never see any hope for tomorrow. We seem to get blinded by the current situation and oftentimes let ourselves be swallowed by the sorrow that we feel.

Our ‘someday’ may not come within a week but it will surely come in God’s time. Yes, it is true that during this crisis, a lot of stories that we, ourselves wanted to realize, are now slowly fading as we are bound to stay at home — prohibited to travel to places and socialize physically with others — to save our very own lives, to keep others’ lives, and to value the efforts of those frontliners who are working so hard for the greater good of everyone. Travelling around the town, the places that we like to go, meeting people that we long to talk with, and doing trips that we used to enjoy, are just some of the things that we love to experience again. However, we are now in this ‘new normal,’ where everyone is adjusting and trying their best to live while being challenged by the changes brought by this pandemic.

Nevertheless, this is not the end. We must keep on going and continue to hope that someday, our aches and longings will no longer bind us with transient worries. And instead of allowing ourselves to get cornered by these worries, let’s turn it to unending hopes that will drive us to look for another day where our dreams will no longer mock us — someday where we are contented. Someday where we can freely move towards our desires; that despite the uncertainties of life and uneven roads that we are currently taking, we’ll have a light that will guide us through our journey. But for now, while staying in our homes, let us cherish the little things that we have and are about to have. Let us anticipate and be grateful while we are still alive. Because someday, these little things will grow. Someday, all will definitely be better than yesterday.

gsalvacion

@gerson_salvacion

Along the way of being in a constant pursuit of chasing our dreams; we seek serenity, pleasure, or perhaps a new scenery. A pause, should I say; from the same old cycle of waking up and winding down. It’s these little hiccups of daydreams that make us feel hopeful. It’s the same hiccups that encourage us to dive into the loop countless times because we know that somehow, at some point, we’ll get there. We’ll get to live in whatever image we picture out in our head−may it be images of the vast oceans, starry night skies, or anything, really.

Whatever they may be, they’re our “puhon”. As we continue to ride along the untrodden road of our lives, let us be reminded that there is always a checkpoint — a chance to rest and a chance to pause. We may not see it coming, but it certainly will. We just have to keep looking forward. Until then, keep on hoping.

YONDER

sophie the vampire cat

As I stare in longing for dreams untrue, the mirror casts images of my soul. Thoughts do begin to ripple against the foul, rotten walls. Breathe in the empty dig by the dent of pain and regret. Hurdle to hinder shades in my head, one day I will step out the closet.

As I stare in longing for a world of peace. I lay still in true defeat as the flesh disappoints. There comes a time I take eternal break from deep cries of greed.

Ego of dread you dare forget; the death you cause to millions of breath. As you chase dreams of mortal hope do recall the end of all.

TOGA Shandy Balagulan

I walked into a road without a map, Facing circles, different shapes. Holding tightly, my hands are getting rough.

A pen on the right hand, strength on the left, So nervous like I’m going into a mansion full of dead. Smell of new faces and books to be kept “I’m so delighted to be here” I said.

I’m not a fan of blue but I wear it everyday. Struggles are like stains that I can’t get rid of right away. All I know is this whole journey made me realize one thing, “I’m smarter before I entered college”, darling!

Sleepless nights filled with coffee and sighs. I’m going to make my dreams come true, no buts and no why’s. Watch me turn my doubts into determination mixed with prayer “Puhon”, I’m going take a walk wearing the best gown, one could ever wear.

I LOST MY SANITY

Kim Ruzzel Amper

There are bubbles inside my head A thick fog of thoughts And a transparent white mantle Entrapping my self-consciousness

There are these barricades A wall of doubts And a miriad opened-doors of confusions Hindering me to think straight

I can see this seemingly feint and dying light

Trying to reach me out But, it feels like my soul is more attuned to this encompassing darkness Luring me away from the escape of illusions

From rubbles, I tried to build a stair But as I began to climb it, it eventually crumbled

As the heavens start pouring sharpened words Causing me to bleed a thousand tears of pain and regret

I can see footprints of old friends A fabric of the past left by time. I am surrounded by this growing circumference of footprints and memories Loosening the thread of bonds I made

I can’t help but hope For a tomorrow of my salvation, That a willing hand would try to reach out And pull me out of this veil of insanity

GROWTH Stellar

It’s okay to wake up, eat, sob and call it a day not all of us can always keep up with life’s way. I am combing my hair and fixing my bed, and it takes so much might even just to lift my head. Some nights I relentlessly stare at the ceiling ‘til dawn is the next thing I see I can’t give a name to what I’m feeling, not a single thing makes sense to me.

But maybe this isn’t so bad after all, I am falling and will continue to fall. Owning to the things that I can and cannot do, I am fearless and true. And despite accepting how low I feel right now I will meet who I’m meant to be soon for I know fate shall allow my life to unfold completely, beautifully— puhon.

INCOMPLETE Mikee Caballeda

I wanted to be alone all the time Seeking for a peace of mind. Trying to avoid people every time Words and actions intertwined.

A news came out and it said “you cannot go out”

Now, I can finally avoid the crowd! I enjoy my own company Music, movie, and coffee.

But why do I feel incomplete? Why do I miss the street? Why do I bother thinking about my friends?

Am I really enjoying my own company?

Whispered to myself, “I hope this will end”

I am trying to amend. Seeing this room full of dullness, How long will it take to end this illness?

As the time goes by, I realized one thing in my life. If you want to survive, You need somebody by your side.

EPHEMERAL SOUL sophie the vampire cat

On the late eve of Christmas, Flesh stumbles upon silent tears. Alike many cold and awful nights, sharp pain sways with innate fears. Now she waits escorted by dread; for the gleam of warm sunrise, so dear.

In the wake of dire mundane; she holds unto the bittersweet. With the vivid days of fleeting youth, gone too quick, lost for repeat. Wandering through transient faces, stolen innocence has left conceit.

A smear takes home and limelight, light burns away all warm caress. In search of meaning, she dare impress.

Hurt deepens, she must confess. Soon, a monster grows from the Flesh. Distant voids call for heads, now a mess.

Time ceases, Flesh numb and true. Take a swim, one set to be free. Amid transit lines of pastel hues, the Flesh speaks in broken dreams. From monster to soul, she reveals; "I feel, there is nothing left in me"

In the dawn of a new year, she conceals desire with control. Marked with scars, longing to feel anew.

Desolate with newfound roles, she holds spirit of roads ahead. From space, she drifts with a tragic soul.

SOMEDAY

Aestheticurse

I shattered the remaining whole of me saving what’s left, thinking what could be wondering why darkness is here again to cover me to the one who’ll be reading this poetry

I am hoping you’ll never be like me. to everyone, the society, the humanity

I wish light give you warmth and enable you to see like a divergent stone or a hidden work of art that I have drawn, I hope you’ll find your way back from the unknown. someday, I hope you’ll find wherever, whatever it could be The mysteries that lies beyond the eyes can see know that you are still my favourite cup of coffee despite the fact that you turn me into misery.

PEOPLE BLEED || AYA

Like a glass, I turned to pieces Broke and cuts, you can feel the bruises

Silent unlike a cricket in the dam It’s sad, when you build him to be someone else’s man

I know now why people bleed We ask for love, but never give, it’s greed!

I know now why people bleed Uncertainty is a book not worth to read

Love is a tragic game

It is very lethal like a scorpion’s sting But after all it is not love to blame It is destiny who messes the game

WRITING PROMISES

Stellar

When all is well, I’ll bloom on my season A feast with that reason Discover new missions.

When all is well, My laugh will be tender Turn all just to wonder And they will remember.

When all is well, I’ll live my life freely Turn bad things to silly Things will turn out pretty.

When all is well, My tears will go missing From the trails it’s been making Wet eyes will go shining.

In a cage tight and sealed laid a page tired and ripped. Engraved are dreams of better days, magical whims, and moonlight beams. Uncertainties cloud, tomorrows pile up of wishful sound in pursuit of luck. In a cage tightly locked glowed a page that I wrote. Engraved are hopes despite the lows walking on ropes safe with my prose. Uncertainties cloud but stars weren’t away, light will still be found, somehow, someday.

ONE DAY

Gene Floro L. Garay

GRATEFUL

rosylibra

Grateful is the word, I could describe you, Existing in this world, No one can be like you.

I thank you for being patient, For I am fragile to handle, You’re the present, A fallen angel.

Grateful for everything, But until when? We are still learning, I hope we wouldn’t be forbidden. By God’s plan and perfect time.

LIKE A CRANE Blue Soul

Words are not enough to explain, and tears fell down because he can’t contain the pain, even if he refrains, he’s still soaked in the rain, with no shed to stay-in, this is not a complain, nor being insane. He just wants to obtain, some peace in his brain, and don’t remain, in being no-gain, ‘down the drain’, but attain, enough hope from within, to break the chain, to stop the unfortunate strain, reach his dreams and reign, over the roughest terrain, and even on the highest mountain.

THE TAPESTRY OF HOPE

sophie the vampire cat

The silent echoes of a ticking clock, remind one and all of fatal mortality.

When darkness draws near, despair comes undone; tears now spill, flood through my raging agony.

One speaks of mortal goals; I turn the lock; shut doors away from leering society.

Desperate I would ask, "am I enough?", not beside the morbid cries of gravity.

Someday, truth reigns over meaningless gains. Helpless, I dance along with the fallacy. While humans disconnect by eyes of gloom, the future I hope now drowns in apathy.

PUHON

Puhon, Isang simpleng salita, ngunit ang lalim ng kahulugan. Ito ay nagbibigay ng pag- asa sa atin, Ukol sa mga mangyayari sa kinakaharapan natin. Para man ito sa sarili, sa pamilya natin o sa ating minamahal.

Puhon, Bakit ang sarap pakinggan ngunit ang sakit isipin.

At bakit ikaw nalang ang nagbibigay ng pag- asa sa mga taong kumakapit pa.

Puhon, Minsan ito ay nakakamit natin dahil sa ating pang- unawa. Pero minsan, binibitawan nalang natin dahil wala na tayong lakas na tapusin.

Puhon, Sana marami pang taong kumakapit kahit na ganito ang lagay natin ngayon.

At kung sino man ang nagbabasa nito, Sana makamit mo rin ang mga Puhon mo.

SALOOBIN

May mga tanong na hindi ko masagot, Mga bagay na hindi ko maabot. Minsan ay may mga problemang mahirap

At may mga araw na masaklap.

Kailan kaya ang pagbabago? ‘Yan ‘lage ang tanong sa isip ko Pero anong pagbabago nga ba ang kailangan?

Ang utak na hindi gumagana O katawan na ayaw sumunod sa utak.

Iilan lang yan sa mga tanong na hindi ko masagot Ba’t hindi naabot ng isang bayan ang sistema na hindi bulok Mga problema na palaging pasan ng mahihirap Araw-araw may mga masasaklap na ganap Kailan kaya ito mababago? Kailan ito matatapos? Kailan mababago ang sistema? Kailan susunod ang katawan sa utak?

Sino ang utak na karapatdapat?

Kung alam mo ang sagot sa mga tanong na iyan. Tumindig ka ng maayos at sabihin mo sa ating mga kababayan Para kanilang maunawan ang mga tanong na hindi ko masagutan Hindi ito para sakin, kundi para din ito sa ating inang bayan.

Rovel Grace L. Rubio

Fernando Omboy

ANG BUWAN NATING DALAWA

Isko D.

Kada pagsikat ng bukang liwayway, tanging ‘kaw ang laman ng gunita. Alapaap na nagkukubli ng gintong liwanag sa aking pag-asa Yari’ng laging tinitingala sa’king pagsamong makapiling ka, sinta.

Gising ang diwa sa bawat umagang may saya’t layang natatamasa, Ang dulot mong ligaya sa puso ko’y walang kahit anomang katumbas. Nagsisiliparan mga paru-paro ‘pag ngiti mo’y napagmamasdan, Dinggin ang tinig mo’y isang kundiman — tila huni ng ibong nakaalpas. Ako’y nagpapasalamat sa nakalipas na buwan — ngayon at kailanman.

Nais isiping isang sining ang kwento natin mula pa no’ng simula, Gustong ipinta ang sariling tanaw ang takipsilim nang kasama ka

Bughaw ang kulay ng kalangitan, kasama ng kahel, rosas, at lila, Ulo sa balikat, kamay sa kamay, at magkalapit ang ating mukha. Waring sa pagsapit ng gabi, sa ilalim ng ningning ng mga bituin At sa malawak na damuhan kung sa’n katabi kitang nakahilata, Nanamnamin ang pagtigil ng oras at saka mayroong hihilingin,

Hahanap ng bulalakaw sa kalawakan at agad magpipikit-mata Iisiping sana, sa pagsapit ng bukas, mga mata’y ibubuklat

Nang masilayan kong hindi lang sa panaginip kita makakasama, Datapwat mahahagkan ka sa bawat araw na sisikat Init ng ‘yong yakap, sa darating na panahon, akin nang madarama.

Buwan muna sa ngayon ang tatanawin at bawat nagkikislapang tala, At ibubulong sa hangin, unang letra ng bawat linya nitong tula.

?

NASA TAMANG PANAHON Caguegs

Kung hindi man ngayon, baka bukas.

Kung hindi man bukas, maghihintay pa rin hanggang wakas.

Ngunit bakit maghihinantay pa? gayung dulot mo sa’kin ay pighati, Puso ay pilit na dinudurug at hinahati, Hinahati na para bang hindi na makahinga, Sa dahilan na ika’y sawa na. Sa una, hindi ko matanggap, Dahil nasanay akong ika’y aking kayakap,

Alaala na hindi ko makakalimutan, Sapagkat ika’y aking minahal at inalagaan.

Hindi na ako maghahabol pa, dahil alam kong wala na talaga,s Kung hindi man ngayon, sana sa tamang panahon.

NAMASIN Mariopok

Namasin ra intawon ko Kung ikaw ba gyud para nako Kay akong pagtuo Ako gyud para kanimo

Akong gisulayan Kung aha gyud ko taman Gusto nako isulti ang tanan Kay aron sa ulahi wala koy mahayan

Namasin ko kay basin karon imo na kung hatagan og higayon Nga ma bati ang ka anyag sa gugma Og sa wala pag damha Imo ako usab giila nga usa ra ka higala Og wala nay lain pa

Wala man lang nagtunol sa ako ug panulak Aron lang unta mahuwasan Ang pait nga akong na tagamtaman Nga mayg unta damlag puhon ra taman

cxckcroach

Subli nagatimpi sa tanang butang Wala ko na nasayran akong kabuang Abi ko kini gawas lamang sa akong imahinasyon Sa wala damha kini diay magsumpa sa iyang kamatayon

Gisugdan kog balik ang tanang nahitabo Didto nabalaka ako og igo Ginadumdum asa nagsugod og gakadaot Ang akong kasing-kasing og dumot

Kung subli ko lang nahibaw-an Nga kini diay ang resulta sa akong gipiling agian Wala nalang unta ko nagpagapos Sa akong pagtuong wala koy pulos

Gisayangan ko ang iyang mga damgo Natampo sa akong kaugalingong kasakit ug kasubo Makita nga ginahinay-hinay Iyang mga pangandoy akong gipatay

Og dinhi na nitulo ang akong luha og sabay Tinuod gyud diay nga ulahi na ang pagmahay Daghang mga unta ang sa akong utok gaaway Kung unta mahibalik ko lang ang panahong nilabay

Maong puhon og ako hatagan og usa pang higayon Paningkamutan ko nga hawiran og padayon Ang mga damgong dapat nga akong nabuhat karon Kung wala ko lang gibuhian ang akong kaugalingon Pagahulatan ko ang sunod nga puhon sa laing kalibutan Ug tumanon ang mga nahabilin kong pangadoy sa lain ng agianan.

AKONG GIPATAY IYANG MGA DAMGO

REACH FOR THE STAR neon abuyo

MGA PANGANDOY

Blue Soul

Daghan ang gapangandoy, Nga makalaag og makasuroy, Sa mga lugar nga gitinguhang maadtuan, Sa mga lugar nga duha katuig nang giplanuhan.

Daghan ang gustong makakab-ot, Sa mga butang nga kanunayng gipaabot, Nga unta ugma dayon muabot, Ang mga pangandoy nga makahimuot.

Daghan ang gustong makabalik, Sa eskwelahan nga daghan kalipay og agik-ik, Sa eskwelahan kung asa si crush gakakit-an, Ug kung asa maniudto nga barkada ang kauban.

Daghan ang gustong makaadto, Sa balay sa ilang mga amiga’g amigo, Mag-movie marathon dala sleep over pay imo,

Pero chika-chika dala panglibak man diay kato.

Daghan ang gustong makahuman, Aning online class nga lisud sabayan, Samot na’g way selpon nga malodan, Para maka-attend sa virtual class ni sir og ni ma’am.

Daghan ang gustong manarbaho, Kanang makasweldo og libo-libo, Aron ihatag ni mama’g papa nga wa nay trabaho, Para makapalit, makakaon og insakto.

Mao ni ang atong mga pangandoy, Nga gusto makab-ot bahalag pusoy, Kay kabalo ta nga maskin lisod og wala na gyud, Puhon, masuklian ra ang atong mga pagkayud.

P.B.A.S.

~Oh mi Kyung~

PUHON, unta malimtan nato ang kagahapong Wala nato gidahum na mukalit lang og abot

Na unta puhon mahimo na nato atong mga gusto Nga walay nag pugong na kaguol ug kabalaka sa atong mga dughan

BALANG ARAW, makakagala rin tayo ng walang face mask

Walang face shield na pumipigil sa ating hininga Na makakasama na natin ulit sa tawanan at biruan Ang mga kaibigan at pamilya natin sa panahong gusto natin

SOMEDAY, we will roam the world free again

Be free as birds are in the sky with its wings open wide No bars, no limits, no worries and pain nothing but A normal life while acting normal and being normal

Barriers off and gates wide open PUHON mabuhat na nato atong mga gusto

BALANG ARAW di na natin kailangan ng face shield at face mask

SOMEDAY we will be free from this chains we call COVID-19

USA KA GABII NGA GUGMA ej pontillas

Usa ka gabiing di katulog Sa usa nga wa na-ila, nahulog Gabiing nag hatag kalipay kadali Gabiing pugos gina-sakto ang ginadili.

Layo man pero mura’g duol Sa kadali wa na bati, ginabating kaguol.

Usa ka gabiing panag-ila Sa usa nga ambot ug si kinsa Wala’y makita nga nawong Apan nadungog tingog niya nga lawom. Tingog nya nga ganahan madungog Niining dunggan nga di pa ganahan matulog.

Usa ka gabiing naabot ug duha Nahimong tulo, upat, lima Nahuman sa ika-unom Ning gugma nga di pwede itanom.

Pareho ming duha nga masulub-on Nga nangita’g gugmang makita ra’s kagabin-on Nangita’g lugar nga pwede mataguan kadali

Lugar nga layo ra’s na andan nga kinabuhi.

Gugma nga nakita sa kangit-ngit Gugmang naghatag init sa ni bugnaw na nga panit

Gugmang di pwede isaba sa uban Gugmang wa nailhan ang pangalan.

Gugmang dili ma tawag nga gugma Gugmang susama sa damgo nga Kalimtan lang dayon inig mata.

Pero bitaw, Sige ko’g pangita ug gugma nga Susama sa kahayag sa adlaw

Ginapangita tunga sa kadlawon Ginapangayo sa mga di maihap nga bitoon Niining gugmang unta puhon, ma angkon

Apan, ako diay naa nay nalimtan Gugmang gipangita nako sa uban Sa akoa raman diay nako makit-an Maong akoang puhon nga unta, Mo abot ang usa ka gabii Matulog nga wala nay kasakit nga ginabati Matulog nga naa’y kalipay kanunay Matulog nga wala nay pagmahay.

Og unta puhon, puhon Makat-unan ra nako nga unahon Og matagaa’g panahon nga higugmaon Niining akoang nalimtan nga kaugalingon.

PUHON John Mario Con-ogan

DUNGAW SA PANGANOD

Wala ko nangandoy ug tin-aw nga gabon Sa kada adlaw imong dagway ang hunahunaon Sa tanang butang ikaw ang palabihon Lisod man ab’ton pero wa nay lain higugmaon

Wala ko nangandoy ug hapsay nga balud Kining dagat sa mga pulong nga makalunod Luwason tika ug magkita ta sa lapyahan Gukdon nato ang pagginhawa, sa kanunay mag-uban

Sama sa usa ka uga nga dahon Nisalig sa saad nga dali tiltigon Naghulat sa katawa ug kalipay Nagdagan ug walay pahulay

Dili na mausab ang mga niagi Magpabilin ang gugma ug imong ngisi Dungan tang niabot sa sinugdanan Apan ni bulag ka ug imo kong gibiyaan

Wa ko nagdahom sa hayag nga panganod Dili ra magdugay, magkita ta sa sunod Ikaw ang akong puhon Wala’y lain nga paabuton

||unsent letter to my sister in heaven

PUHON Mayang

Puhon wala nay muhilak tungod kay gibiyaan, Kay nangita man gud og laing kauban. Puhon wala nay gigutom nga gadaguok ang tiyan, Mangitaay pa ug unsay isud-an.

Puhon makauyab ra tong nag-inusara, Nga di na sila sige’g “sana all” sa mga naay uyab.

Puhon makalaag ra ta sama sauna, Walay mask nga gidala-dala.

Puhon makauban ra nato atong mga barkada, Estoryahan tanan kalipay ug problema.

Puhon di na maghuna-huna og asa sila, Kay namalik naman ta og eskwela. Puhon mangahuman ra ta og eskwela, Nanaglinya kay mupaso na. Puhon manarbaho na kita, Manginabuhi kay naa nay isig iya nga pamilya.

Puhon di na ni damgo ra, Makab-ot ni nato og magmalig-on ta. Dili lang gyud sa kaguol magpadala, Huna-hunaa sa kanunay naa’y kalipay nga umaabot sa atoa.

DI MAN KARON, PERO PUHON

Justine Joy Yee Acle

Mga pangandoy nga dugay na natung gidahom Makab-ot ra maskin unsa pa ka lalom Kay mas gipili nato nga di sa magkita ug para maka pokus sa atong pagskwela

Ay lang sa gyud pagdali sa gugma Nakita na naman pud nako ang atong kaugmaon Nga nag uban tang duha nga malipayon Naa may mga problema, pero nakaya man sulbaron

Busa hulat lang sa gyud dira Tiwas sa ta sa atong pag-eskwela Kay dili pa man ta pwede karon Pero puhon kita man gyapun ang mag dayon

To the Boy

Who Never Came

P’Smile

Fate must have never been on my side. Well, all my life I have loved only a couple of times, but felt the true pain of it only once. I’ve always wondered what it’s like to have a companion in life, a better half that ultimately makes one complete. Then time has passed as if it was just yesterday that I wondered of it. Now, all I have is a series of thoughts that make me realize why the boy that was meant for me never came. To youthe one who kept me waiting, a message is on the way.

Maybe it was that you never knew.

I was thinking of reasons on why you never came. Maybe it was because I never exerted effort to make you feel my longing. Maybe I was too busy exploring my fate that I forgot how to look for you, when all along, it was you I was looking for. If that’s the case, then it was my fault from the beginning. I wouldn’t have had the urge to demand you from the heavens, but surely, I would still hope for you to come.

Maybe we got lost.

Life is an expedition where an endless map awaits to be explored. The adventure can be fun, emotional, and fulfilling. Maybe it was then that we lost track of each other trying to figure out ways to make our paths cross. Going through such wonderful events, we learn things and realize that the rewards of it are everlasting, but that must be the boundary that we both drew to our maps, thus, never crossing the line to our destiny. Still, I would hope for you to come.

Maybe you stopped.

At some point, we come to situations where pressure is at its highest. Going through those moments, we make decisions in haste and overflowing emotions. It could be tiring sometimes, and so I can imagine you picking more steady ground. Maybe our love never met because you were already tied to someone else. Maybe you didn’t realize that you deserve more. If so, that would bring me great sorrow, but still I’d hope you’ll come.

Maybe it was never for us.

I was thinking, what if none of my “maybes” were right? Then maybe you were not for me, and I am not for you. Maybe this destiny is just an illusion in my head and the real fate still awaits me. If there is one lesson that I have learned in this lifetime, that is we can never get what our heart doesn’t want. We only get what our heart truly desires, and if my desire for you is just an imagination, then maybe I have to wake from this dream. This time, I would not hope for an “us” anymore, instead, I would hope that God leads me to the one waiting for me.

In another lifetime, I hope you would come.

Maybe we can exist in a parallel universe, or maybe this is not the end yet. Nobody knows what lies ahead, all we can do is have faith in the future. Love will endure the changes through time, and so I hope we’ll do the same. It’s not too late in our lifetime, but the odds have become astronomical at this point. I think this is goodbye. I hope that wherever fate takes us in the next life, you will finally come to me.

in

Brian Jay Vallejo

S tuckReverse

Often, we thought of giving up. The idea of getting confined to things that keeps us from moving deprived us in so many ways. As if we are crossing the river with no end, full of vagueness, and its shallow water signifies uncertainty. As hard as it is, we are nothing but a cloud of dust blown by the wind, left unsure of the unchosen track. Without regret, we wished to be the star of our constellation, unlost, not caught up in dreams and fantasies. But what stops you from taking a pace? Did you ever wonder why your life is going nowhere?

We all feel lost, tired, and unwanted. The cosmos is way too big for us to shoulder the pain, yet the world is too small to encounter it. The depth of this trail will never be rhythmic as we open ourselves to boundless possibilities. Poorly, no one is ready for adversity and unforeseen challenges, yet one has to look at life not just from a single perspective. Sadly, we are focused on ensuring that there is no sign of the past and even strived to erase it, to the point that we have lost the essential part of our task, which then leads to forgetting our purpose, our value. We make mistakes and get stuck on fixing them, and then, in the process of healing, we end up losing ourselves. Moving out of a past that you are trap in can be crazily challenging. The old you hindered you from going forward. Episodes of past mistakes have become an experience that you try so hard to find a reason to stop watching, but somehow find it hard to pull yourself away from watching.

The realization of not going back comes after the acceptance. The turmoil forced us to engrave itself while the scarce filled with negativity surrounds us, as if telling us to escape but no route to follow. Slowly, the phantasm will eat us alive while the aftermath haunts us. We are becoming senseless,

dumb, and disable; unable to detect gargantuan difficulties. Wrong turns and unprecedented detours prevented us from reaching forward. Unaware, it paralyzed us from living life to the fullest. Feeling stuck is something that we never want to experience. Without a pause, it stops us from growing, makes us forget that our horizon is wider than the mistakes we have committed. We are locked in a reverse position, going backward, and that there is nothing that you can do about this. We have got a tight grip on reality, but we are content with loneliness because none of it was ever worth the risk.

How do we bury our neglected memories? Sometimes through a strong magnetic pull, forgetting is not feasible as our thoughts transcend back to the time we first felt safe, happy, and contented. Back to the time where we did not consider looking through the broken glass of emptiness, void, and the only thing that separates you from the cry of apathy is nothing but recession. At this point, the least you worry about is where the end is. We have to ride that emotion, exhume it, not letting the black hole of all unburied emotion sucks you right in. Staying stagnant is over-identifying, ruminating, and will make us a slave of our own mistakes. When the problem comes in is when we want to break free from destructive patterns that trapped us. We often make predictions about our current situation and expect something good will happen. But the result is the opposite one. We should not incorporate those tragedies into our stored beliefs about the perception we have of ourselves. Harboring resentment or bitterness keeps us in space while it continuously drowns us in pity, regret, and shame. Above all, why can’t we take stock of what we currently have? The answer is still vague, with no clues as to when will be the right time. But one thing is for sure, it will manifest happiness, and the future will seem a lot less scary.

Indeed, we are victims of these circumstances. Nothing ever went the way we wanted it to be and concluded that life just had it out for us. There is almost no situation where we can say we are free from blame. Forget the past but always keep the lesson. Our life is changing, exactly the way it is for some reason. We are meant to lose those events in our lives, to gain that experience, and to feel those emotions. When you are stuck in reverse, take a breath and let go. Stop condemning, and learn to be free from burdens. Do not be a victim once again! You are not your past and do not settle for less because you deserve something better. Know that you can, and everything else will follow.

Life is a never-ending battle in between the uncontrollable force that creates pain. It’s never easy to wake up and face the same demons that we left the night before; it’s like living every day with the same heavy baggage on the back.

We walk in this life with pain, doubts, and worries. Some are hopeless about their situations, some are dying, some are lonely and scared, some are in the middle of nowhere and some are just like us. Every individual has battle in their own heads, a bout we will never understand unless we take their shoes on. And these things brought to the realization that when people fall down, not everyone can stand up— some were left on the ground to decay on their own.

That’s why every day, we should need to give ourselves a pat on the back, not only for achieving something but because we made it until twelve, it is already a substantial procurement. And that goes through the unending cycle of life with not just clouds and rainbows, but along with storms and dark skies.

When feeling low, we should practice not to look for somebody’s hands, but rather lift ourselves up and be our own number one supporter because at the end of the day, we’re just simply our own hero. And that’s very okay, it’s okay to feel everything at the same time, it’s okay to commit mistakes and mess up on something as long as we take the chance to make the things right.

Life is all about riding a plane while rising up in spite of the ache. It’s about picking ourselves after a crashing a defeat. No matter what we feel, we have to get up because what remains in our life is still always worth fighting for. It is our responsibility not to give up because it is only us who decide for our life. Stay on course. Stay brave and be a warrior, there is always hope for every one of us. The time may not favor us now, but it will surely lend us a path when the time is right.

Rise up, just like the sun we once looked up on the window while on the plane. Rise up unafraid. Rise up and let’s do it a thousand times again. We fought through the demons that are beating us down to our knees, we deserve the praise— a praise for a better tomorrow.

And so, after a year when the plane left, I have then decided to carry and embrace my own baggage.

WABI-SABI

blossom

Grown-ups always say that self-growth and becoming a good person has no process, just time. A time to mold ourselves, a time to play with our best teacher – experience . The world is wide open, many paths to follow, choices to make, and people to meet. But what if you are surrounded by chaos and toxic people? Are you still growing or just merely trapped?

Twenty-one years of existence yet I am still confused about life. As they always say, I have to take my time because someday when I’m older, I’ll understand. Yet, waking up every morning for me was just for the sake of surviving. Surviving from the chaos that’s been an unsolved problem for a long time. Suffocating community standards and judgmental society! Be yourself? The world will judge you. Fail on school? The world will take you as a failure. Dumb and broke? The world will laugh at you. Getting married at a young or older age? The world will look at you as if you’re a criminal. Not married yet? The world will pressure you as if they’ll give a penny for the wedding. Broken family and relationship? The world will gossip about you as if they have a perfect life. Poor? The world will treat you poorly as if they own the universe. Ain’t fair skin? The world will comment negative about your looks as if they’re white as milk. You tried to defend yourself from unreasonable argument? The world will see you as disrespectful. You are depressed? The world will joke about you over acting. You fight for your right? The world will play the victim. You didn’t go to church to praise? The world will see you as immoral as if they are being moral.

Life has been a two-sided story, one is real, the other is hypocrisy. At some point in our lives, we choose to change ourselves because the society dictates us, never realize that we do not grow by doing it, but instead we are locked-up. We do sometime live in hypocrisy, but given the time to realize that living for real is much better. The world hasn’t change, so choose to grow despite the thought that you would be fighting against all odds. So that someday, the world will see in finding the beauty within imperfections of life. I hope that ‘someday’ will come, but for now, I’ll choose to grow. How about you?

“I survived but not lived...’’

Puhon ay

puhonan r

Jillian Padua

‘Puhon’ assures you nothing- it holds no certainty. You can never be too sure of the future, and no future is guaranteed. But for someone who wants to dream, ‘puhon’ can hold so much hope and anticipation. ‘Puhon’ can fill you with motivations, and it feeds on your will and ambition. I believe every one of us has a dream in mind. It can be something that we are proud of or can be the dreams that we secretly hide. A dream is simply a thought, a vision, or an aim that is inside our heads. But like every successful person, a simple dream is a good way to start.

Achieving your dreams is like meeting it halfway, half effort and half mental stimulation. The only time dreams can become our reality is when we are brave enough to take that first step. Talk about first steps, they say merely bear with what you can handle. 'Baby steps' your way until you reach your goal. Then I realized, these 'baby steps' are not so baby at all. For instance, a baby taking his first steps as hard as it is, the baby constantly falls. But in the end, he will manage to learn and successfully stand, then eventually walks. The first step is the hardest. However, nothing will happen if you don't make that first move. Easier said than done, right? But remember this, we are never too ready when we don’t understand what it takes to risk because when we take a risk, it uses up our time, effort, and it also leaves traces in our history- but the riskiest of all, no future ever reveals itself.

To conclude this essay, ‘puhon’ and ‘risk’ are two different words but not nearly apart. You’ll never know what tomorrow brings. You can only hope that one day it’ll happen, “di man karun, pero PUHON.”

The towering trees cut the night sky open. I am looking at the stars. He is looking at me.

“You know it’s a big, vast world out there, right? And we’ve only get to experience life here in this small town. I need you to go out there and see how beautiful and magical the rest of the world is. I need you to actually start living,” Niklaus said carefully.

His voice is full of concern and sincerity, each weight of his words crushingly painful.

“B-but.. I can’t. It’s never gonna be the same again. I’ll never be the same again.”

I wiped the tear that escaped my eye. It’s been three days of non-stop crying for me, I can’t let him see me breakdown again for the millionth time.

I feel him smile, a sad smile. I closed my eyes and wished for a sudden meteorite to just crash and sweep me off; take me out of this world and the miseries it has to offer.

“But you promised me, Thalia. You promised me you’ll pursue your dreams. You’ll write books and have the readers weep over it. You’ll live in a peaceful neighborhood and

Stellar

grow your own garden, learn yet the things you’ve always wanted to do. You promised me you’d live the life that you wanted.”

“No, Nik! We promised each other. You and I, remember? It wasn’t just me, it was the two of us. We both made those promises!” I exhaustingly said with my shoulders shaking. I couldn’t stop now the endless flow of tears. So much for pretending to be strong and sane when all I could feel is the crumbling and breaking of my heart with each passing minute we talked about the future we hoped we would have.

I stared right ahead to the wide universe above me, took a deep breath and let myself feel the pain all over again.

“I can’t, Nik. I can’t do it without you, I’ll never be able to unmeet and unlove you. I can never know life without you in it.”

Nik wrapped his arms around me and I felt a shiver down my spine. The cold wind of the night engulfed me, and I find myself drowning in his scent— the most familiar and comforting thing in the world.

“Things have to change, love. You can’t stay this way forever. You can’t wait and hope for me to be with you. We both know that’s never gonna happen. Face it, Thalia. Live your life and let me go.”

I guess this is the part where I scream, and kick, and exhaust myself by indulging to every hurt that his words bring. I guess this is the part where I beg and beg to uselessness because no matter what I do, my cries are nothing but indecipherable whispers to the wind.

Instead, I froze, stared, and silently cried. I remember this scene from yesterday, and then from the day before yesterday. I have been talking to nothing but the ghost of my love three nights in a row. Except this time, I was well aware that he’d be gone again after telling me to let him go.

I just laid there, stared at the stars still. Realized that I have been coming to this place every night just to meet him, or at least of what’s left of him in this world.

“Live your life and let me go.”

His last words remained and kept echoing in my mind. I smiled bitterly, “Isn’t that so hypocritical of you, Nik? You had so much ahead of you. I don’t understand why you did it. You could’ve told me. I would’ve helped you live your tomorrows. Our tomorrows.”

I sat up and started screaming on the top of my lungs. People are so good at giving pieces of advice to others. Pieces of advice they never really applied even to themselves, just lessons they wish they learned sooner.

I thought of Nik and his genuine smiles whenever we talked about the future. I thought of him and how he was able to help me have faith and hope. It pains me to live with the fact that I was never able to help him during the times he needed help.

I sighed and acknowledged the grief that I am feeling. A fresh tear started its way to my cheek.

“I really, really miss you so much, Nik. But you’re gone now and I’ll never see you again.”

“You will, my love. You will see me again, genuinely happy whenever you fulfill each of our promises. You’ll see me and how proud I am of you for being a brave fighter.”

I kept staring at the one star I see.

“B-but you... you were so much braver than me.”

“I’m no braver than you, Thalia. I let it consume me. I submitted to the darkest pit of my mind. I’m sorry, my love. I know I promised the great life we will live, but I’m sorry.”

Dusk starts to settle. Somehow, I knew what all of this meant. What Niklaus leaving meant.

“Maybe in another lifetime, Thalia.”

I nodded with tears streaming down my face.

“Maybe in another lifetime, Klaus.”

“This is the last time you’ll see me, please don’t come back here tonight. Go live, Thalia. It’s what I want for you the most.”

I nodded once more. “Not tonight. I won’t see you tonight, but someday my love. I’ll see you someday. At least promise me that and fulfill it.”

“The dawn bears witness to my vow, Thalia. We’ll see each other again someday.”

I closed my eyes for some time, and opened them upon the first ray of sunlight that touched my face. I am now left alone.

I fished from my pocket two plane tickets I got three days before all of these hap pened. Three days before Nik took his own life.

I left one ticket on the exact spot where Nik had been. He was supposed to meet me in another part of the country, not in another life.

I stood up and wiped my tears, with a sinking heart I started to walk away.

“Good bye, Nik. I’m gonna do what’s left to do. I’m gonna live for you, I promise.”

“Sa muling pagpatak ng ulan, nawa’y iyo na siyang makalimutan.”

Alas dos ng hapon nang nagising ako mula sa kwartong ‘di ko tiyak kung saan. Tanging ang malaking bintana, puting kurtinang dinampian ng sikat ng araw at ang malawak na silid na pinapalamig ng hangin ang siyang aking naaninag.

Kumusta ka? Sambit ng isang taong sakin ay nakangiti ngunit kahit anong titig ko’ y hindi ko makilala.

Nasaan ako? Tanging mga katagang lumabas sa bibig ko. Nandito po kayo sa St. Michael’s Hospital po dahil sinugod po kayo kagabi.

Oo nga pala, sino ba naman ako para hindi makaalala. Ako lang naman si Bela, ang babaeng nagtangkang wakasan ang buhay niya. Ang dating masayahing si Bela, ngayo’y binihag na ng kanyang matinding emosyon.

Bakit pa ba ako nandito? Tanong ko sa nurse na kaharap ko.

Ma’am eche-check pa po ng doktor kung magaling na po ba talaga kayo, sagot niya.

blossom

Tok! Tok! Tok! Tatlong katok mula sa pintong kahoy.

Nang mabuksan ito ay dali-daling bumungad sa akin ang isang batang pamilyar sa akin ang mukha.

Ate Bela, kumusta? Bakit ka nandito? Akala ko ba masamang gawin ‘yon?

Naalala ko kaagad, ito pala si Ben, ang batang muntik ng tumalon sa gusali ng kanilang paaralan.

Salamat ate Bela (sabay yakap nang mahigpit).

Ang sarap pala sa pakiramdam na may nagpapasalamat sa’yo. Pinilit kong ngumiti upang ipakitang okay ako. Ngunit biglang nagdilim ang paningin ko at sumakit ang aking dibdib.

Dok! Dok! Ang pasyente!

Hindi ko makita ang paligid at ako’y nabibingi ng hindi ko malaman ang dahilan, ngunit isa lang ang gusto ko, mabuhay muli upang gawin ang mga bagay na hinadlangan ng sobrang kalungkutan at pagkamuhi sa sarili. Nagpatalo ako sa labang dapat sana ay ako ang wagi.

Ngunit huli na! Huli na nang mapagtanto ito ni Bela.

Time of death, 3:45 P. M.

Kung mababasa mo ang aking liham, nawa’y nasa mabuti kang kalagayan. Pinilit ko mang ilaban at subukang magwagi, ako’y natalo dahil nagpabihag ako sa pagkamuhi’t emosyong di tuwid. Sana balang araw, ikaw ay magwagi, na kahit madapa’t mapagod ay huwag magpagapi. Ilugmok ka man ng kapaitan ng buhay, nawa’y bumangon ka at magpakatatag. Ang buhay ay may lungkot at saya, piliin mong maging masaya. Kaibigan, nawa’y dumating ang panahon na makaalpas ka.

Ito ang liham ni Bela para sa kanyang kaibigang nagbabasa.

Bela? Bela? Huy Bela! Ano ba tanghali na gumising kana at mahuhuli ka na sa trabaho mo!

Hay, panaginip lang pala!

Arnel James Y. Suprito

After working on some errands for a few hours, I decided to take a break and retreated to my room to take a nap. The moment I entered my room, I noticed the message someone had left me last night. He and I fought and we gave up on the argument, breaking the relationship we’ve invested so much in the process.

One moment the sky was calm and then suddenly dark clouds loomed over it and thunders began hammering the heavens. The rain has returned, and the air is heavy with the scent of it. It almost feels that the world is holding its breath just like me holding back my tears as I lifted the phone to read the message that I neglected from my dearest John last night.

“My love, Remember how we used to imagine ourselves enjoying the free world outside our homes? I can still recall our first month together when we’ve talked about so many things because we cannot do much then. We’ve talked about spending the night on a beach in front of a bonfire, strolling at night as we go home after a long and tiring day at school. We imagined ourselves travelling together wherever our feet would take us.

We were so happy thinking that we have forever to hold on to. Thinking about those plans distracted us from what our relationship stood for in the first place. We got caught up in the moment and lost track of what really mattered. And for that, I am sorry, my love.

I love you, I always do. I miss you every day, and I am lost in a void without you in my life day after day. And I want to be the person you’ll be sharing life with the moment the world turns back to normal. The future may be uncertain, but I am certain with the way I feel towards you. I love you and I hope we can still patch things up together.

Love, John

Again, my heart got broken into pieces. My eyes moved from my phone to the bed and felt a wave of nostalgia at the thought of all the years we’ve spent curled up there together. He was my shelter against all kinds of tempest, my home regardless of my ever-changing position. Through his message, I felt the warmth I’ve always had for him gushing inside me once more. He reminded me of the future I’ll have with him. And it entices both my heart and mind knowing that I am in a safe place.

I suddenly felt the urge to type him a message back. I’ve let him know that I, too, am excited for the forthcoming adventure we will embark on. And so, the earlier broken bond was tied once more. To more adventures with you, love. To a life filled with happiness, someday, in time.

This morning brought us into a whole new gaze where he is about to wear a black cape as the symbol and fruit of his sacrifices. It was the proudest day of his life, as well as mine. While I began to take my grip for the ride of my future, it is also the very same day where he is about to face the real world.

As I went to the aisle, wearing a black cape and is about to commence my academic journey, I cannot even begin to imagine how I have gotten to this moment. My tears started to fall as I reminisce about my fondest moments of being a student.

The next day came and it was a gloomy morning that welcomed us as a couple living under one roof. The labor of love comes with things we dreamed of. We’ve built our own house and we have our own car. He drives me to work and even fetches me as the day ends. I work in a television network as an engineer while he is part of the executive writers in a prominent news media.

We have everything we’ve always wanted and we raised our own family and it was then, that I managed to say that we are reaping the sweetest fruit that we deserve. I am beyond blessed for the things that I and my partner are having right now.

It was a perfect moment when suddenly, as we looked up to the sky, we saw a bunch of dazzling stars circling us up above. I held his hands and stared at him saying, “Everything will be made possible if we continue to grow and be bonded by love.” He smiled, and then blissfully replied saying, “Puhon.”

JD

It was in February when I started to chase a doubt. The sky was dark and the air was in riot; manifesting a smoky mountain out of the whole city. It was after I had my dinner with my friends, in an all-you-can-eat restaurant.

That very moment I was wondering why I didn't feel any positive current in my body. My mind was busy like a rumbling truck. My eyes were all over, scanning all the people in the vicinity. My skin was drenched in cold white sweat. I started to draw attention on my phone, expecting to receive a call from you. Yet, in my very dismay, I forgot that you were with him.

Now, I have come to realize why I am not my usual self because you are not with me. I've had to finish my food just to get next to you. I'm starting to feel hunger because your smell is no longer with me. My hands are sizzling because yours emptied its space. I got to chew no more. Eventually, I bid goodbye to them, just to start chasing a doubt.

I called 911 as your presence was not around. Why am I chasing a question when you are not even around to answer? I ran. I jumped. I was nothing but shifting an approach towards bumping cars and wheels. My head was near to death when I called you saying,

"Don't worry, Mom agreed that we'll go home safe."

John Angelo D. Gundran

"Don't worry man, we're just having fun."

Those words began to strike my motor. My neurons moved furiously from end-to-end.

"I needed you, I feel so lost," my mind said.

When I got there, I skipped the armed ones just to sneak around you. Even my roaming eyes were helpless from noticing your halo. I lost ticks of clock drying my sweat just to see a mirror of you.

There you are, with a reflection of a glared angel over the moon and a man's wings hung right beside you. Then, you immediately see me wearing a frowning crown.

Hurriedly, I easily cover and pretend with an implausible smile. You hugged me. You kissed me. But it saddens me deeply that you skipped asking how I felt when I got to see you.

You never said Hi, but just an easy Goodbye.

Because you have no time to waste, you are hurried to make fun with that guy. But, no, you insisted to leave my space, you ran out of time to save grace. I lost my chances of climbing the peak of our story. It was like, I had to skip you and me.

My heart was pounded by mortar and pestle. I tried to turn my back assuming you would try to get me back. But my eyes seemed to dislike what you did. You leave no eyes at my back, but words of disgrace that had my heart attacked. I simply ran, jumped and bumped into the sound of cars.

My cheeks are no dry because my eyes are crying like the sky. I cannot see anyone, anything, but a prism of colors made my car lights, streetlights, and humble tears of sorrow.

My mind spoke out of no words. But my heart is expecting you would run and chase my back, trying to save a memory of my doubt. But no, you did not. You left me with nothing but a history of loss and scars. I am left helpless, hoping that one day you'll come after your words.

Realizing how much I loved you, even chasing doubts ceased my love for you. Somehow, I will be fine. Someday, under another’s touch.

Who is he? Who is the boy walking in the passageway? He is wearing his school uniform and carrying his big dreams. He’s grinning in front of her classmates and friends, and doing better in his academic. He may look pale and vulnerable. Numerous of people will say that he is just a boy; nevertheless, the truth is, he’s not just a boy—he is the toughest student inside the campus perhaps in the whole wide world.

Who is this boy? He is a boy whom you often shun. He is suffering from depression every time he fails yet he has no one to lean on. Crying throughout the night and smiling by the day. Yes, he is that boy. He is an indestructible and not just an ordinary boy. He is a precious gem that should be kept. Someday you’ll see his worth nor merit.

Brex M. Labajo

BEHIND THE DARKNESS