Thread Magazine Spring/Summer 2021

Thread is an independent student publication funded by SAFC. Thread is the only fashion, lifestyle, and art magazine at Cornell. Published once per semester, Thread showcases the talents of Cornellians from all disciplines, working with other campus groups and external organization. Thread commits overall to being an organization that: Represents a broad diversity of Cornell’s student body in both membership, leadership, and modeling.

Embeds the stories/ narratives/ and perspectives of all Cornell students within our themes and photoshoots.

Commits to broadening the reach of membership and model recruitment.

Fosters a welcoming and inviting community where all members feel empowered to lead and engage in content creation at all levels.

Web https://threadcornell.com/ Email thethreadmagazine@gmail.com Facebook facebook.com/thethreadmagazine Instagram @threadmag

foreword

The theme “The Future Issue” comes out of my own personal obsessions with science fiction and the application of an art-historical lens on contemporary media. When approaching this issue, I wanted to create a thematic structure built for interpretation and with room for exploration as the topics we discuss are multifaceted and unique in their own rights. To break down the verbiage used in our title, the reference to “future” is less of a direct pull from science fiction, technology, or fortune telling, but one of collective visualization. One of questioning futurity in itself and our abilities to imagine and project. The phrase “the history

of futures” is one that I’m completely obsessed with, and is how I would best describe the angle we took this semester. In short, the “history of futures” refers to the ways in which historical visualizations of futurity (i.e. retrofuturism, cyberpunk, postapocalyptic, etc.) can be contextualized in the social and environmental character of the world at the time of their conception. We can see these ideas in movies, television, music, and writing because people have always postulated about the future and all it holds, so I wanted to challenge our team this semester to create our own images of the future based on our experiences right now. I want us to directly reference social, political, and environmental problems and distinctions that are unique to this exact moment in time and visualize futures that combat these ideas and disrupt contemporary narratives. The specific issues we tackle in the following pages range from the roles of technology and social media in our everyday lives, to the representation of women and femininity in art, to the threat of climate change, to our collective re-entrance into society post-covid, and the experiences of marginalized people living in the United States. The images and their accompanying written pieces on the following pages are the products of these five themes.

The idea of time and temporality is hopefully evident in these images, both in their references to contemporary fashion as well as their forethought in artistic composition. The question of how far into the future these visualizations project is purposefully ambiguous because the human experience is in constant flux and at the core of this issue is the connections between future aspirations and the present. Who is to say when or if your dream or idea about the future will come true, but once you’ve thought of it, it makes it that much more real. At its core, this issue wants to draw this connection between creative postulation and present conditions. I want Thread as a whole to collectively work toward dreaming and projecting the futures we want to see because in that process we evaluate our current context. This issue is just as much of a reflection as it is a study in futurity. We can only ask questions about where we’ll go if we know where we are and where we have been.

gianni valenti

creative director

president’s letter

When did I start putting limits on my dreams? When did I allow my perception of what’s “realistic” cloud my ability to fantasize about the future without constraint?

On long car rides when I was younger, I’d stare out the window of our Toyota 4Runner dreaming about the future.

I’d watch the passing trees blur in my peripheral as I’d imagine the future version of myself. I’d dream about all the things she’d accomplish one day. The future version of me was cool and secure in her identity. She was a few inches taller and had more ear piercings. She trusted her creative instincts.

Future me was helping her community while also starting to formulate her legacy. I could picture her so clearly.

A byproduct of growing up is that we lose our sense of pure imagination. Dayto-day responsibilities hit and suddenly the moments spent staring out the window are over. Maybe this is just me, but dreaming without any limitations no longer comes as naturally. When I try and think about the future, I find myself instinctually limiting the scope of my fantasies. The pandemic exacerbated this proclivity. Sadness, guilt, cancellation of future plans, isolation, frustration, pain. At the beginning of quarantine, it felt incredibly frivolous to even think about the future in a situation with no foreseeable end date. Why is it my tendency to think this way? Dreaming does more good than harm, right? Dreaming about the future is an act of vulnerability, but it can also instill hope. It’s a way to inspire meaningful reform.

So I ask, what could we create if we let our minds run freely with seemingly impossible ideas? What would the future look like if we stopped caring about how unpragmatic our desires for a better self and society may seem? What systems could we challenge and change with the use of our imagination?

This semester has been spent reckoning with Thread’s approach to our creative direction, culture, and structure.

Originally, when the creative direction for The Future Issue was presented, Kiara Taylor, our newly appointed Community Director, pointed out our need to re-evaluate the intention behind this issue and our production process. This sentiment was

echoed by other people-of-color on staff.

We wanted to discuss pertinent, yet charged topics such as climate change, the role of womxn in society, and the American identity; but, the infrastructure of Thread at that time could not address these topics in an authentic and meaningful way. Thread was not known for using our voice to discuss social problems. But, we wanted this to change.

This feedback prompted us to critically analyze and reflect on the bigger purpose of Thread. We asked ourselves, “what does the future of Thread look like?”

The thought and challenge of reforming our organization forced me to dream about our future. And, at first, I’ll admit that I began to limit myself. Recognition of reality leads to the manifestation of doubt. Reforming Thread felt too big of a challenge to take on. What happens if people don’t feel the change? Are we too late? What happens if we mess up? Who is going to keep us accountable? Better yet, who is going to keep me accountable?

As these thoughts started to creep in, I found myself needing to take a step back. I stopped thinking about the logistics, the reactions, the potential failure. Instead, my headspace was back in my Toyota 4Runner staring out the window dreaming about the future of Thread with no limits. The future of Thread: inclusive, progressive, equitable, provocative, innovative.

Together as an organization, we dreamed of amplifying different perspectives our publication hadn’t highlighted before. We imagined growing our creative ecosystem to reach new communities on campus. We had visions to make Thread feel more tight-knit and approachable.

While I could discuss all the strides I believe we’ve made thus far as an organization, it feels oddly performative to tell you about our progress given that this rebranding experiment is still ongoing.

Instead, I leave you with this: if you’re like me, I challenge you to visualize the future without limiting yourself. Imagine the ways you can use your creativity to disrupt the status quo. Although no one can predict the future, our actions as a collective have the power to build a more just world.

And, with that, welcome to Thread Issue 17, The Future Issue.

caitlyn park

president

table of contents

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e s h i t s n y s Directors Isabel Padilla Maddie Woo

Art Team Ella Knibb Hannah Davis Tina Lee

Beauty Team Jessica Lecorchick Lara Harvey Creative Team Emily Xiao Isha Chirimar Izabelle Kwan Editorial Team Lior Cole

Photography Team Ben Parker Hannah Davis Isha Chirimar

Social Media Team Mabel Orhiekhoe Macy Smith

Styling Team Alexis Theoharidis Nadine Elkasri Sara Wanyana-Tyaba Sebastian Shin Models Danel Donaeva Laura Kim Oyinloluwa Fasehun Veda Balte

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The Algorithmic Marionette Retrofuturism is a movement described by “the use of a style or aesthetic considered futuristic in an earlier era”.

While the influence of past futuristic visions on the present can be identified in some specific aspects of life today, society is largely built upon the harmful and antiquated notions of the past beneath that gilded futuristic allure. For example, facial recognition technology was once an exciting prospect in the past that has since come to fruition, but the enticing appeal of this innovative piece of software is tied to the reality that its algorithm detects white male faces about 22.5% more accurately than darker-skinned women’s faces. The reason for this discrepancy is because an

algorithm such as one intended for facial recognition relies on machine learning, so it needs to first “learn” what a face looks like in order to detect any given face in the future. To learn, a human programmer must expose the algorithm to a data set of visuals including faces and non faces to guide the algorithm in deciphering between which visual is a face, and which is not, until it has been exposed to enough data to be able to detect a face fairly accurately on its own. Data sets specifically used to “train” facial recognition algorithms include a skewed proportion of data showing white male faces, thereby creating an algorithm that has the most exposure to such faces and subsequently the most accuracy in their detection.

While the imbalanced accuracy of facial recognition can be considered relatively harmless on the surface, the incredible susceptibility of algorithms to emulate racist or other problematic notions is an extreme threat to society at large.

When algorithms utilize sets of data collected from the past, imbalances in representation and blatant inequity is expected to characterize it to at least some degree; algorithms dictate the functionality of tech, and with the increasing infusion and reliance between tech and societal functioning, such algorithms are essentially dictating the nature of society at large. In this sense, the data used to create exciting new retro-futuristic tech emulates backward thinking of the past, which essentially promotes antiquated mentalities into the present and stifles social progression.

17 Another example of the dangers that machine learning algorithms hold on society is demonstrated by the results of search engines like Google.

Every aspect of a user’s interaction with tech can ultimately be equated to a certain monetary value: a click on an advertisement creates an opportunity to close on a sale, and pays both the platform owner that the ad is found on and the advertising company behind the ad such as AdSense. So, the content that a search engine chooses to render when a user enters a search is decided based on which relevant pieces of content have the greatest chance of motivating the most profitable user interaction (the most amount of clicks, the greatest amount of engagement time, ect). The algorithm is able to predict which content will manipulate the user’s interaction behaviors based on its understanding of the user’s identity derived from data collected on the user’s historical interactions with their tech.

That data is compared to other users with similar historical interactions which exposes information that is bound to be true about the user’s behavioral tendencies or identity that they have yet to indicate in any direct way via their tech. So when a user searches something with the key words “climate change” for example, the algorithm will present vastly different content to a user it determines as left leaning vs a user it determines as right leaning among a host of other differentiating characteristics. This content personalization extends to recommended searches, ads, rankings of search results, and of course search result content.

Through personalization of content exposure, individuals are often presented with content they would readily agree with which creates dangerous information echo chambers where a user’s pre-existing beliefs are amplified as they are continuously infiltrated with affirming material; algorithms are shaping people’s perspectives in a way that is incredibly polarizing in the context of a society that supports a wide array of diverse opinions. The extent of the effects of such polarization are unknown, but a shift in perspective is ultimately a shift in a person’s perceived reality of the world - and when realities become polarized to a large enough degree, civil war is facilitated.

The way in which people perceive the world is defined by what they see of it, which is becoming increasingly composed of whatever content an individual’s tech is presenting them with, which is subsequently dictated by machine learning algorithms. The goal of a platform when a user engages with it is to manipulate the user’s behavior

18 in a way that is most profitable to the platform; the human psyche is enormously predictable and easy to manipulate once a person’s psychological soft spots are identified. This will inevitably lead to a future where people will become even more attached to their devices and consume even more data fed by their algorithms. The ultimate effects of this rapidly expanding and silently occurring phenomenon is unknown, but stagnation in policy generation and a general lack of public

awareness on the topic are frightening components to consider when speculating about potential effects of machine learning algorithms on society in the future.

Learn more: “The Social Dilemma” on Netflix, “Coded Bias” on Netflix, “Weapons of Math Destruction” by Cathy O’Neil, “Discrimination in online ad delivery” by Sweeney, Latanya, “Algorithms of oppression: How search engines reinforce racism” by Noble, Safiya Umoja, “How social media facilitates political protest: Information, motivation, and social networks.” by Jost, John T., Pablo Barberá, Richard Bonneau, Melanie Langer, Megan Metzger, Jonathan Nagler, Joanna Sterling, and Joshua A. Tucker.

by Lior Cole

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NO Directors Nikki Simonson Samira Reddy

Photography Team Ben Parker Lal Kosematoglu

Beauty Team Lara Harvey Sarina Matson

Social Media Team Chloe Goldman Julie Lee

Creative Team Aidan Collins Allison Park Noorejehan Umar Ramneek Sanghera Risa Sunakawa

Styling Team Aidan Collins Arianna Curci Jacqueline Navas Lismar Tirado Sarina Matson

Editorial Team Isabel Rubin Nicole Chen

Models Richmond Addae Chase Fang Monica Kim

OV

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I Used To Be Y o u I draw my eyeliner black and heavy on my lids. My fingers grow sluggish, but I press harder. Then pink on the cheeks, red on the lips. The colors bleed together and I let glitter drip down my chin. I look in the mirror and it lies to me, so I close my eyes and beg for someone to tell me the truth.

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2 I remember sitting on the curb with you, years ago. The sidewalk was dusty and dead and we wore gray clothes that clung to our skinny frames. You hummed a song, a sweet tune like a lonely bird’s lullaby. It carried across the empty alleyway, expanding against the stone pavement and brick walls and filling our cramped space so completely. I think you wanted to pretend that we were taller than the trees, richer than the kings. We’re okay, I promised you.

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3 I sit alone at my vanity. I kept our dreams small because I was afraid you’d outgrow me. But I found doors that you could not follow me through and now I sit pretty in front of a mirror. I wish I could share my riches with you, I do. But a part of me thinks you wouldn’t like it here anyway.

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4 I dream of you again.

You are my virtue, my humility, my innocence. The smell of fancy soap drifts by, along with all the colors I have never seen you wear. I am falling, falling, but I wake before I hit the ground.

By Nicole Chen

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Royally F*cked There is an indisputable glamour and allure of the royal family. They represent wealth, power, and glory, positing themselves as the pinnacle of culture and class. Yet, the monarchy is a relic of an imperial system of oppression that has refused to acknowledge its instrumental role in institutionalized racism. The British Empire orchestrated the slave trade, profitting immensely from its brutalities and creating an enduring racial hierarchy, the effects of which linger globally. The monarchy directly enabled and perpetrated slavery and colonization, and yet Queen Elizabeth, in all 70 years of her reign, has denied to publicly comment on the British monarchy’s facilitation of the slave trade. Over the past year especially, these issues have resurfaced. The royal family’s silence over the Black Lives Matter movement was palpable. Though both Megan Markle and Prince Harry have spoken openly about the death of George Floyd and participate in many anti-racism organizations, they are the only members representing the royal family that have done so. And they’re newly estranged, so they don’t even speak for the monarchy anymore.

Megan and Harry recently confirmed that their departure from the royal family had “a large part” to do with racism in their highlyanticipated interview with Oprah Winfrey.

Not only did the family do nothing to defend Megain against racist treatment in British tabloids, she admitted that the royal family’s team went so far as to prevent her from

trying to defend herself in the media. The Winfrey interview exposed the fact that the family even banned Megan from receiving professional help for her declining mental health, even though she admitted herself that she was suicidal during her pregnancy.

One of the most explicitly racist occurrences the interview revealed was an expression of concern over how dark Megan and Harry’s children’s skin would be by an undisclosed member of the family.

“Megxit,” as some colloquially call Megan and Harry’s withdrawal from the duties of the British royal family, forces a reconsideration of the facade of the royal family. Harry and Megan’s wedding seemed to symbolize the modernization of the British monarchy, and yet all the projected racial progress unravels with Megan’s revelations. The royal family as an entity is nothing more than symbolic, but at this point, what does it symbolize? White supremacy. Rulership is dependent on descendancy in an all-white family, and this is racism institutionalized at its finest. Megan Markle was the first member of the family that is confirmed to be mixed race. Her and Harry’s failed attempt to integrate Blackness into the royal family, and by extension the nation, demonstrates that the system of the monarchy is inherently racist. If the royal family is at all dedicated to racial progress, the only solution is abolition of the monarchy as a whole. Clearly, they are not.

By Isabel Rubin

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Directors Gianni Valenti Juliana daRoza Art Team Tina Lee Beauty Team Jacklyn Duchen Kimberly Garcia Creative Team Emma Shen Kimberly Garcia Nadine Elkasri Tiffany Chan Editorial Team Sophie Grippo

Photography Team Aleena Li Ben Parker Helen Li Social Media Team Joelle Ramson Sophie Grippo Styling Team Ashlyn Lee Clarke Hicks Jennifer Herrera Herrera MJ Ajiduah Models Bruce Monger Kayla Bouazouni Massimo Carbone Sabine Stock

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Thoughts on the Future: Bruce Monger

When abruptly forced to quarantine at home in March of 2020, we all lost a sense of routine. This lack of a schedule led many to venture out on long walks. I took many long walks myself, and as I spent more time outside, I began to appreciate the surrounding nature on a deeper level, while simultaneously realizing that many of my favorite greenery was gone, which many other people can relate to. Others, however, were faced with natural disasters eroding the beauty of their homes. Either way, we were all confronted with the implications of climate change.

Climate change is defined by Oxford Languages as “a change in global or regional climate patterns, in particular a change apparent from the mid to late 20th century onwards and attributed largely to the increased levels of atmospheric carbon dioxide produced by the use of fossil fuels.”

Members of the Thread team began discussing the pressing issue of climate change and how we can help spread awareness, leading us to the Prime photoshoot.

We wanted to represent some of the most crucial impacts of climate change, including greenhouse gas emissions and the erosion of coastlines. We had the pleasure of featuring Bruce Monger, senior lecturer of Earth and Atmospheric Sciences here at Cornell, in our shoot. Monger is one of many professors here at Cornell who teaches about climate change causes and effects. I was lucky

enough to take his course, Intro to Oceanography, where I learned about these issues. I also had the opportunity to interview Monger about climate change and he gave wonderful insight on what climate change is and what students can do to help mitigate its effects.

What does climate change mean to you?

It means an existential threat to the stability of human societies. And because CO2 in the atmosphere has a long tail with lingering impacts lasting 10,000 years, it is not just a threat for this generation or even one more generation, but for basically the rest of

cave. And then, literally millions of people die each year from the smoke. Clean renewable energy is just way better, and we should be running toward this better deal.

And we can create lots of green jobs while getting there.

How has the pandemic affected climate change?

I think it has taught the whole world a lesson that humanity is not the center of the universe and that we are not special and when we mess up, nature will bite back without mercy. It has taught us a respect for nature and a need to work more intelligently with nature. In the past when, human population size was small and technology was limited, we could bumble through nature without much thought. And when we messed things up at smaller scales, we could just move to a new location and begin again.

But humanity is now bumping up against planetary-scale limitations and we now must do things with care and extreme thoughtfulness to the consequences of our actions.

What are the key facts regarding climate change?

What areas/ organisms are being most greatly affected?

humanity.

It also means an opportunity. Even without climate change, we should be running toward a clean renewable energy future. Just think about what we do right now. We get our energy by digging stuff out of the ground and lighting it on fire. We are just one step above burning logs in a

In broad terms: The threats of climate change to the stability of human societies are large, imminent and long lasting. Here is an abbreviated list with an emphasis on the ocean.

Sea Level Rise: A 1-meter rise is expected by 2100 (some models show 1 meter by 2030). And a 1-meter rise puts at risk tens

of millions of people end tens of trillions of dollars in assets associated with mega cities around the world.

Coral Reefs.

Warming and acidification will slow or half growth within decades.

Limiting warming to 1,5C will lead to 80% loss of all coral on earth.

Allowing warming to reach 2.0C will lead to the loss of virtually all coral reefs on earth.

Polar Seas will become corrosive to exposed calcium carbonate shell of marine organisms within decades. Many of these organisms are at the base of the marine food web. Whole food web disruptions are expected.

The Arctic Ocean is likely to be largely ice-free by 2035. Some models put the date at 2050.

Species Extinctions from a combination of effects that include climate change is now at a mass extinction level. 1 million species are threatened with extinction within decades.

We have an estimated 8.6 million species – so 1 in 9 species you see around you faces extinction in a matter of decades.

There is also the concern with Global Food Security and crop yields decline when they exceed their thermal tolerances and human population continues to grow.

And, of course, there are Threats to National Security because of all of the above.

Finally, to avert the worst we need to Decarbonize the Global Energy

System in 30 years. The Paris COP21 climate conference in 2015 ended with a consensus statement signed by essentially every leader of every nation on planet earth that stated t h e following: To maintain stable human societies, we must limit warming to 2 ºC. To do this we must reduce global carbon emissions to net zero by 2050 For the survival of a many island nations, we aspire to limit warming to 1.5 ºC. To do this we must reduce global emissions by almost half in 10 years and net zero by 2050 4. What actions can students take in their daily lives to help combat these effects of climate change?

Individual Actions: Consume less and be happier forgo the next shiny thing dangled in front of you — and aim for living a richer life instead.

Buy bulk groceries when possible Join a Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) Coop.

Eat less industrial meat Take less airline flights However, decarbonizing the global energy system will require coordinated government action on a scale as grand as our past WWII Mobilization. So, individual actions alone will not solve the problem. And to get

coordinated government action we need bottom-up social demand for

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leaders to lead on climate. Nothing socially just comes about from the top-down.

It comes from the bottom up. From citizens demanding what is just and fair.

Past example of bottom-up action are a woman’s right to vote in the US and equal civil right for African Americans in the US. In both cases people raised their voices and demanded justice.

So here some more students can take:

actions

Vote for Leaders Who Can Lead!

Run for political office.

Create a social movement.

Raise Your Voice To Pressure Leaders to Lead Note: We are all different so each of us should raise our voice in a way that is best suited to the individual • Join a peaceful protest • Write government leaders • Write editorials in the local paper • Talk to friends and family • Find ways to inspire others to raise their voices 5.

Pursue a career that has a climate change or sustainability element

By Sophie

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Directors Aarushi Machavarapu Gabriella Estrada

Photography Team Ben Parker Leah Cohen

Art Team Ella Knibb Hannah Davis

Social Media Emma Farkash

Beauty Team Lara Harvey Michelle Lee Creative Team Elizaveta Zabelina Isabella Picillo Kiara Taylor Lior Cole Editorial Team Melissa Belmont

Styling Amanda Kim Claire Liu Kendra Cooper-Smith Rachel Reich Models Amelia Chikota Anthony Agba Emma Silva Haani Jetha

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Amelia Chikota Age: 20 Major: Psychology “I have always loved doing my nails every now and then, but covid-19 and shifts to stay at home has given me the extra time to go back to my passions and dedicate more time to tap into my creativity. This time has also given me the opportunity to launch my own small business using TikTok, which grew exponentially during the pandemic. I love to match my nails with my moods, my outfits, and pop cultural trends, and I continue to explore the ways in which I can express myself through wearable art. Through my small business, I am also grateful to be able to share my art with other people, to have them also wear my nail designs and express themselves through that art.”

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the new.. reverb

..

Throughout the pandemic, the term "the new normal" has been thrown around way too much in my opinion.

It's true, things will never go back to the way they were before 2020. Yet even before 2020, nothing was ever exactly the same— everyday there's a new normal.

Truth, authenticity, and connection.

These are three themes that emerged in my mind throughout the past year and will shape how I interact with society moving forward.

Truth: Storytelling is also truth telling.

To me, books are the most direct way to connect to truth. Over the past year, there have been a lot of opportunities for me to absorb new perspectives, narratives, and ideas. Not everything that you read will be reliable or even something that you agree with.

Nevertheless, it has the potential to bring you closer to your own truth.

Authenticity: Throughout the pandemic, we have spent an unfathomable amount of time with the same small group of people. As the future is so uncertain, there has been more authenticity in relationships. There is less pressure to

see people for the sake of being social.

The relationships that will last are ones that are rooted in truth and connection.

Connection: The outdoors have provided connection in several “new” ways since last March. To begin with, it's simply safer to be outside with other people. Who doesn't love a physically-distanced picnic!? Nature is also a counter-balance to the technology that has taken over our lives. When we have less of a reason to leave the house, it is a conscious choice to spend time outside, and for me, a necessary escape.

I'd like to think that through this horrible experience, something has been gained. A sense that we know more about ourselves, and by extension we will be more truthful, authentic, and connected beings.

*Important: everyone has had their own experience and struggle with COVID-19, and I do not mean to minimize or assume others’ experiences. I acknowledge that my perspective comes from a place of privilege.*

By Melissa Belmont

Haani Jetha Age: 21 Major: Fine Arts

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Walking is my way of learning about the world. Sneakers have taken me to places I could never have dreamed and to places where I keep returning. The notion of re-visualising spaces through wearable art that draws on object histories is particularly appealing in a time when the world is becoming more complicated to navigate.

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Directors Amanda He Ona Carranza

Social Media Team Julie Lee Manon Astier

Beauty Team Macy Smith

Styling Team Jeri Kim Lal Kosematoglu Michelle Cheung Zheng

Creative Team Kiara Taylor Risa Sunakawa Editorial Team Erika Yip Photography Team Leah Cohen Natasha Aysseh Syd Kang

Models Elaine Wang Jelani William Kevin Park Noorejehan Umar

COONTINN

NNUUM

HOOW TTO LLEAAVE

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The theme continuum represents a narrative that consistently grows, adapts, and changes as time passes. The concept of The American Dream that emerged during the nineteenth century are often Western-dominated narratives that reflected the fantasies of white people at the time. As we look back on history, we must attempt to rewrite these narratives to incorporate people of color.

The stories of marginalized groups are often overshadowed and we must use art, fashion, and writing to disassemble the whiteness embedded within the American Dream. The vignettes will be focused on bits and pieces of my own experiences immigrating to the country, captured through the emotions evoked by different locations of the Continuum shoot. I hope these vignettes will reflect a bigger and more diverse picture of this experience.

I

I stand in a parking lot at sunset, watching sun rays spill through concrete holes, watching my shadow as she dances along the movement of light. As the sky swells to a poisonous, dark blue, my shadow dissolves into the hard ground, my identity wiped clean by night. I remember the traditions we used to celebrate as children — glowing lanterns in hand, mooncakes in the other — evaporating memories like Chang’e when she disappeared into the full moon. Now, as I stand in this parking lot, industrialized by layers and layers of American history, I fail to remember the Chinese proverbs mother used to hum, simple rituals lost in body and memory. I am a foreigner, belonging and disbelonging to everywhere and nowhere. This is the body of America. Its blue, white, and red carcass cracked open right before me.

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II III

The empty, white bleachers of the football stadium remind me of the bleached pews of our church. When we arrived in the country, the first thing grandmother did was take us to our neighborhood church.

This is where you will find your new home. But instead, I sat there each Sunday, body spliced between pews, absorbing hollow messages about purity, surrounded by a sea of white faces. I did not find a new home there. Hymns were useless exhalations of sounds that I fought to understand; the playful chatter of kids were meaningless whispers, swallowing my ears whole. My small body was an afternoon playground for children to stomp on, my dragon eyes were windows that soaked in the mockery. I never belonged.

At night, I walk down an empty outdoor stairwell alone. The cool steel bites my arms as they graze along the handles, and I search for a moment of warmth within this dead, red stairwell. In Chinese culture, red is a symbol of prosperity, of firecrackers that ignite your soul, of dragons that carry luck within the folds of their bodies. Yet here in America, red is the blood spilled by slaves, gunfire that takes the lives of millions each year. Within this dead, red stairwell, I cannot help but think about these overlapping narratives, and how they weave their way onto the surface of my skin. I stare at the red siren as it flashes in the corner of the concrete wall. I cannot wait to go home.

BY ERRIKA YIPP

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