O ituaries
page 12 issue 12 volume 60 the strand
10 // 04 // 2018 @strandpaper
We need to talk about the coffee in the VUSAC office The inside scoop on coffee scoops and poops
illustration
| mia carnevale
SUMEETA FURRUKH VICTIM
What began as a passing comment about the free coffee that sits in the VUSAC meeting room turned quickly into a gut-wrenching revelation: that coffee is very expired. After I casually mentioned the coffee in conversation, an anonymous VUSAC member disclosed: “I’m the VPSO, of VUSAC, (20172018), and that coffee is expired. But nobody drinks it anyway.” - (name redacted for privacy)
This poses a grave concern to me as I have been drinking that coffee, like, every day. Sometimes multiple cups. Sometimes to make it more potent I mix the Nescafé with the Folgers 100% Colombian. It has a distinct taste, which at first I could not place, but I now recognize as a strong top note of December 2016 with a slight tangy undertone of August 2014. Following my consumption of the expired instant coffee granules are frequent trips to the Goldring single user washroom. I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty, but have you ever seen seven
melted Kinder eggs put through a blender and squeezed through a tube of toothpaste? I’ve just been through some stuff. When asked for comment, an anonymous VUSAC president stated: “You also just poop a lot so let’s not confuse correlation with causation.” VUSAC hates its students: confirmed. Is this really the standard of living that our student government believes we deserve? My poops are loose and only a solid helping of justice will firm me up again.
What Once Spun, Now Spins No More A Fidget Spinner In Memoriam MAXWELL NISBETH AND ANGUS MACPHERSON STAFF WRITERS
Usually in the Trendz section of The Strand we talk about the phattest, greasiest, anti-normie trendz sweeping the nashe. But in this issue, we want to take a moment to pay tribute to the fallen heroes of Trendz past; for we would not have the current fresh and spicy, Redditfilled bowl of Honey Nut Trendio’s that we have today without the path of sacrifices blazed by fadz before it. While there is nothing preventing the cold contact between our middle fingers and our thumbs, the metaphorical space between them has never felt so vast. What started off as some random spinny thingy to “help your attentiveness” ended as a random spinny thingy that was scientifically proven to NOT help your attentiveness. It marked the first time since Bakugan and Pokémon Cards that elementary school teachers were disbanding black market trade negotiations amongst
12-year-olds. The word “dank,” as well as the act of vaping, had never been used so popularly and with such shameless conviction. We are now in a dank vacuum, awaiting the next random and useless thing that will stick to our media-obsessed minds, sweep us off of our hover boarding feet, and steal our vine-viewing gaze just to give us a voluptuous, sweaty, twitter-bending trend that will surely die in a week. But hey, won’t that week be good? Fidget Spinners will now join the legendary trend company of Heelys, Skip-its, and Ripstiks, which have all rolled themselves out of our lives as fast as they had wheeled themselves into them. It’s in moments like these where it is easy to crawl into a pit of despair: drowned by the weight of Kidz Bop CDs, Silly Putty eggs, and Easy-Bake Ovens—but there is hope. These Trendz, like that of our most recent meme angel, will never die. They will continue to spin on in our minds and in our hearts.
illustration
| melissa avalos