The Strand | Volume 60, Issue 12—Joke Issue

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oundless journalism.

VICTORIA UNIVERSITY’S STUDENT NEWSPAPER VOLUME 60, ISSUE 12 | 10 APRIL 2018

All product and company names are trademarks™ or registered® trademarks of their respective holders. Use of them does not imply any affiliation with or endorsement by them.

But go off I guess

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Club Feature Antisocial Social Club

ILLUSTRATION | WREN TURNER

LIN$$$$$$$$$EY GONG CONTRIBUTOR

We all know that U of T is known, amongst other things, for its bustling student life and the abundance of clubs that it offers. During your time here, you might have seen a particular group of people walking around on campus that are just not like the rest. You may have even wondered: how would one go about joining this group? Well fear not, this will be an introduction to perhaps the largest student organization on campus—the antisocial social club (are they CCR recognized yet?).

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “What’s the point of a club if everyone’s just going to not talk to each other?” But alas, you are missing the point. I’m not an

incredibly attentive person, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never even seen them speak in general. The club has no meetings, no Facebook group that you can join, no monthly newsletter than you can subscribe to. These people communicate solely through Instagram posts.

You’ve probably seen them; the faded, blue-grey tinged photographs of just the backs of their heads on some concrete building. These photos are mainly taken at night, against the backdrop of the city.

You can identify these members by one characteristic—the text on their sweaters that states the name of this club in bold white text, as if it’s making some desperate, ironic cry into the chaotic world, just trying to make sense of it all.

Now onto the part you’re waiting for: how to join. Well, this is

no easy feat. For starters, obtaining a club hoodie is incredibly difficult; you’ll most likely have to sacrifice one of your organs to obtain the necessary funds, and they are pretty much always sold out because of the sheer amount of people trying to join. This will probably be even more competitive than med school. Secondly, you will have to learn the secret greeting gesture.

This is the anti-social, but social part. When you encounter one of these bad-boys or gals on the street, you must, by the law of this good nation, drop down immediately to one knee, arrange your fingers so that your thumb and index fingers are touching and the rest of them straight, in one line, almost like you’re saying OK, but way cooler.

Then, cross your arms, and protrude your mouth as far as it will

go without it being a duck face.

There you have it. I encourage you to do this, in as public a space as possible, in order to to announce to as many people as you can that you are cool—the coolest. Prepare for a lot of impressed stares though, and learn first aid, because people will be so taken by your undeniable charm that they may faint and collapse at once. With great power comes great responsibility. After one month in the club, you’ll be a qualified doctor.

I, for one, am incredibly proud of the immense presence of this club, it is actually the only reason why I applied to U of T. Good luck, and I hope to see some of you on the streets doing the secret greeting sign soon.

Forecasting the Most Aesthetic Cryptocurrency ANTHONY BURTON BUSINESS JOURNALIST

When The Strand asked me to lend my expertise to the Hypebeast issue, I was floored. My alma mater, finally shedding the pretensions of social justice and focusing on what really matters, like Supreme hoodies and synthetic gothninja-style? I’ve never felt more connected.

If you could see me right now, you’d notice that my incredibly street outfit is crowned by $1000 Balenciaga Triple S colorways in matte polyester with neon green accents. You may be wondering how you can get as hype as me. And as a business journalist, I’m here to tell you: it’s all crypto, my brother.

Melding bleeding edge tech with capitalism? Sounds like freedom to me. The freedom

to be hype. Without further ado, here’s my most aesthetic cryptocurrency advice for my fellow beastmode Victorians.

It’s called Ethereum.

For starters, this is the logo:

Incredibly goth and aesthetic. If you need me to say more, it was created by a man named

Vitalik Buterin, which is not a skate brand, despite what you may think. If you Google Image search Vitalik (he’s mononymous, for a plus), you’ll realize he is what peak performance looks like: a man so aesthetic that he can eschew any focused style in favour of his own radiant aura, bursting forth from the seams of his novelty tshirt. The man is pure hype.

You may have heard that cryptocurrencies are a ponzi scheme; an unregulated cash grab by those with the means and the modes to understand how these things work. And sure, they’re speculative. In fact, I’m in pretty deep. And that’s why I’m here: to help you out and get you to help me out. You want to be aesthetic, right?

You want to be hype, like me? Think Etherium.

Buy Etherium. I’m in a lot of trouble here.

Insights

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Coming Soon to Vic Merch: Northrop FryeShaped Vape DEVON WILTON CONTRIBUTOR

VUSAC’s new Vic merchandise line will expand this summer to include Vic snapbacks, Vic joggers, too-small Vic beanies, and a goldplated VicVape in the shape and likeness of our blessed Northrop Frye’s head.

The Vic merch line debuted in December of last year. It featured crewneck sweaters, tees, pennants, a toque, and other collegiate apparel. Improvements and expansions to the line were featured in both presidential candidates’ platforms in the recent VUSAC elections.

What was NOT foretold in the platforms, however, is the spontaneous addition of “Vicspreme” items to the line, fam! Starting in September these sweet pieces will be available for purchase in the VUSAC office during office hours, as long as printing is working, jheez. While student reception to the new items has been mixed, the much-anticipated VicVape is clearly the star of the show.

Plated in 24K gold, the VicVape is the only vape for a true

ILLUSTRATION | YILIN ZHU

Vic vaper. It’s life-sized and shaped exactly like Northrop Frye’s head, molded from the statue on campus.

It’s easy to use: you just squeeze Northrop’s little nose and suck the vapour right out of his mouth, in a passionate vape-y kiss between just you and him. For added flair, Northrop’s eyes glow a deep scarlet during use. The best part? Try tweaking Northrop’s ear to hear one of seven pre-recorded Frye phrases, including: “The world of literature is a

world where there is no reality except that of the human imagination.”

“The most technologically efficient machine that man has ever invented is the book.”

“If you say, I believe in God, you have already suggested the possibility of not believing in him.”

I asked my boy James Hannay, a second-year Vic student studying Vapology, what he thought of the new items: “If you want my honest opinion, I think Vic lacks “clout”

in the modern sense, my guy.

Northrop Frye and his ideas have aged well, but they need a modern spin. I think to any modern Vic student looking to ‘fueg’ out their rigs, the gold-plated VicVape™ is essential. Keeping the face of the big NF vaping, means that Vic is always vaping, and that means clout is always increasing, family.”

THRIFTY HYPEBEA$T How to upgrade your look without breaking the bank KLAIRE LAUZON BALLER ON A BUDGET

So we have ALL had the experience of surfing through Instagram, gawking at all the perfect fits… just thinking about how if only we could rock the right brands, we would find love, success, and Social Influencer Status… but there’s one small problem…

It turns out that all those Kylie Jenner brands are REALLY expensive! Fortunately for you, I have curated some of my best tips and tricks for how to fake it ‘til u make it.

TIP #1: Use our handy template! Cut the image below directly out of our newspaper, and safety-pin it to a white beanie from the dollar store! Trust me—I’ve tried this trick myself, and it works! Once, I was posing in front of a Kensington mural while wearing the hat pictured below, and a boy wearing a Thrasher™ sweatshirt and checkered vans invited me to a Yung Lean concert! Talk about HAWT!

TIP #2: If you want to hop on the camo bandwagon… join the army! I see a lot of folks these days wearing big, baggy, camouflage pants, but I’m heartbroken by the price tag. Then it hit me! All you have to do is follow the link below to enlist in the Canadian Armed Forces: www. jointhecanadianarmy.com If you do at least one tour of duty, they let you keep the outfit totally free of charge!

TIP #3: If you want the Real Deal, just Steal! All these corporations are rich, so there will be literally no consequences if you burgle the brands. You think Jeff Bezos is going to notice one Supreme™ Sweatshirt missing from his warehouse? No way! I guarantee that there is absolutely nothing amoral about stealing from the rich to supplement your middle class wardrobe.

Editorial?

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the

What’s in a hypebeast?

strand V O L U M E

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6 0

editors-in-chief

editor@thestrand.ca

molly kay elena senechal-becker

business manager

mishail adeel

business@thestrand.ca news

ainsley doell

news@thestrand.ca opinions

kathleen chen

opinions@thestrand.ca features

erin calhoun

features@thestrand.ca science

science@thestrand.ca

tanuj ashwin kumar nadine ramadan

arts and culture

sabrina papas

artsandculture@thestrand.ca stranded

rebecca gao

stranded@thestrand.ca copy editing

copy@thestrand.ca design

tristan mcgrath-waugh

MOLLY KAY HYPEBEAST-IN-CHIEF

amy jiao

design@thestrand.ca photo

hana nikcevic

photo@thestrand.ca art

yilin zhu

art@thestrand.ca web

tyler biswurm

web@thestrand.ca video

video@thestrand.ca

annika hocieniec sonya roma

podcast

carol eugene park

strandcast@thestrand.ca editorial assistants

renna keriazes georgia lin anna stabb

contributors hypebeasts copy editors savage queens

The last Strand editorial is usually a space reserved for outgoing Editors-in-Chief to reminisce about the past year. They talk about the ways they’ve grown during their time at The Strand, usually beginning with how they got started (in my case, as an associate editor for the Arts section) and ending by thanking all of the friends they’ve made along the way. More specifically, they thank their predecessors for getting them to this point (Ally, Erik, Anthony, Rhianna, Holly—this one’s for you!), they tell their co-editor how much they mean to them (Elena—I love you with all of my heart, and I couldn’t have done this without you!), and, lastly, they wish their successors all the best (Ainsley, Sabrina—I have the utmost faith in you two!).

While all of those things are both valid and important, I thought I would dedicate my last editorial to hypebeastery (not to be confused with hypebeastiality). I’ve isolated the following Urban Dictionary definition of “hypebeast” for our readers who might be unfamiliar with this term: A Hype Beast is a kid that collect clothing, shoes, and accessories for the sole purpose of impressing others.

Although the individual may not have a dime to their name they like to front like they are making far more then everybody else. Equipped with mommies credit card the Hype Beast will try his hardest to make sure he has every pair of Nike’s he saw Jay-Z wearing on 106 & Park [sic].

Rebecca (our Stranded Editor), Elena, and I happen to have an affinity for this term. As we were assembling this issue, Elena sent us the following Cole M. Sprouse tweet, with the caption “hello this has to go in the Joke issue”:

design team

illustrations

photos rebecca’s iphone cover photo hypexposure

The Strand has been the newspaper of record for Victoria University since 1953. It is published 12 times a year with a circulation of 1200 and is distributed in Victoria University buildings and across the University of Toronto’s St. George campus.

The Strand flagrantly enjoys its editorial autonomy and is committed to acting as an agent of constructive social change. As such, we will not publish material deemed to exhibit racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, or other oppressive language.

The Strand is a proud member of the Canadian University Press (CUP).

Our offices are located at 150 Charles St. W., Toronto, ON, M5S 1K9. Please direct enquiries by email to editor@thestrand.ca. Submissions are welcome and may be edited for taste, brevity, and legality.

FOLLOW US @STRANDPAPER WWW.THESTRAND.CA

In a different conversation completely unrelated to this issue, Rebecca and I were trying to decide whether or not we were Savage Queens or Loyal Queens. Rebecca, most definitely, is a Loyal Queen.

Unsure about my status, we decided to brainstorm all of the ways in which I may qualify as the Savage Queen to her Loyal Queen. The only thing we could think of, however, was that time I produced a frosh issue that almost wasn’t included in the Vic Orientation Kits.

In a lot of ways, I think being a Savage Queen goes hand in hand with hypebeast culture. To illustrate my point, I’ve put together the Venn Diagram above.

In all seriousness, I’ve spent a lot time in the Strand office over my past three years at Vic and I can’t begin to express how meaningful this experience has been to me. It’s easy to feel lost in a campus as large as U of T’s, but no matter where my future takes me, The Strand will always feel like home. I will look back on my memories here very fondly, and student media will always occupy a very special place in my heart.

Anyway, if you’ve gotten this far in this chaotic mess of an editorial, my advice to you is this: if they can’t handle you at your Savage Queen, then they sure as hell don’t deserve you at your Hypebeast.

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Editorial.

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Rebecca’s SupremeTM Hierarchy of Needs

Molly Told Me I Couldn’t Run This What happens next might shock you

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Cursed images

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Games n’ Puzzles

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Games Section Featuring SupremeTM Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

Answer key

Quiz: Can You Tell If These People are Vaping or Just Playing the Kazoo in a Smoky Room?

LEO “MORGY-BOY” MORGENSTERN STRANDED EDITOR

Answers A: Vaping B: Playing a Kazoo C: Kazoo D: Vaping

Hot Takes

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SAFTB, explained Saturdays are for the boys and I’m here to tell ya why ERIK PRESTON PROFESSIONAL BOY

Folks, you shouldn’t believe everything you hear. We all know this to be true. The other day, I saw an Insta post about a guy who told his friend that eating his roaches would help him get 10 percent higher—this friend proceeded to eat his roaches for the following 10 years until his friend told him he was joking. You’ll have to take my word for it—I just spent ten minutes looking through my explore page trying to find it and its seems to have disappeared.

I realize now that that story could have been totally made up too. You gotta be careful out there.

[Saturday] July 14th, 2012: Lost in the sauce with the boys

That being said there is one undoubtable truth in the age of bunk stories and fake news. That truth is that Saturdays are for the BOYS. You might be saying to yourself: “Erik, why are Saturdays for the boys?” Well I’m gonna tell ya.

The history of SAFTB is short.

On June 10th, 2016, John Feitelberg, known to many as Feitelberg or @feitsbarstool, a blogger at Barstool Sports tweeted: “FRIDAYS ARE FOR THE MEN, SATURDAYS ARE FOR THE BOYS.” From there the trend caught on like a largemouth bass on a hot summer’s day. Finally, a day was set aside for the boys.

Many of you may be asking what gives boys the right to claim

Saturdays, arguably the best day of the week. By a simple process of elimination, it becomes very easy to realize the legitimacy of this claim. The days of Monday through Friday are claimed by work, school, and the like, with wine hopping right in the middle and claiming Wednesday. Fridays are for the men, also the Sabbath (which could also be Sunday depending on where your affiliations lie). You may have noticed that not a single day was carved out for the boys. There’s your answer folks.

If you’re more of an empiricist get a load of this. Celebrities, academics, politicians—folks from all walks of life have confirmed time and time again that Saturdays are

Friday June 10th 2016: John Feitelberg claims Saturdays for boys everywhere, thereby making June 11th 2016 the first official Saturday for the Boys.

for the boys. When prompted with the statement, “What are Saturdays for?” people including, but not limited to, Bill Clinton, Adam Sandler, Larry King, Ken Bone, Ric Flair, and Michael Phelps all responded the same way: “THE BOYS” With a day all to themselves, your last question might be: “What in the world will boys do with a whole day to themselves?” The possibilities are endless—we’ll hit the links, we’ll drop into Tilted Towers on a lil game called Fortnite (ever heard of it?!), we’ll hit our Juuls, and we’ll darty until we narty. Basically, we’ll bool outta control, and maybe even get lost in the sauce.

SAFTB 101

The Strand: An Asbestos Alternative?

DEVON WILTON ENGINEER

In response to recent criticisms of Victoria University’s sustainability policies and practices, President Robins announced earlier today that the renovation of Northrop Frye Hall will use crumpled up, unread copies of The Strand instead of asbestos insulation.

The crumbling and derelict Northrop Frye Hall and its asbestos-filled walls are long overdue for a face-lift, or a demolition. Victoria University is already in the early stages of planning these renovations.

Proponents of the Repurposed Insulation Plan (RIP) cite four key benefits, calling it a “four birds, one big stone scenario.” First, it’s something productive to do with those stacks of painstakingly-written but perpetually unread copies of student publications. Second, since printing is covered by the levy, the insulation is practically free for the taking. Third, studentpublication-insulation won’t kill you like asbestos will. And fourth, going from unread newspaper to wall insulation is basically up-cycling, and up-cycling is really “in” right now.

Asbestos insulation is a known carcinogen. The Canadian Cancer Society has called it “Canada’s leading cause of workplace death.”

On the other hand, student publications such as The Strand are not known to cause cancer, and probably never will.

As reported by The Varsity, Robins included in his response that the “strategic” hiring of Vikas Mehta as Director of Physical Plant will bring a professional with experience in sustainability and “greening” initiatives to the university. In fact, Mehta will personally oversee the collection of tens of dozens of unread copies of The Strand, The Varsity, The Gargoyle, The Mike, and other student news publications from stands around Vic, where they consistently pile up. The papers will then be crumpled and individually stuffed through small cracks in the walls of the new Frye Hall as it is being constructed.

VUSAC Sustainability Commissioner Jared Connoy, whose letter to President Robins provoked this response, weighed in on the issue: “I’m not sure about the insulating capacity of newspaper, but it’s probably the best use for The Strand anyway.”

“I’ve fully used a pile of [copies of ] The Strand to clean up spilt coffee in the Cat’s Eye,” he added.

One of The Strand’s co-Editors-in-Chief, Molly Kay had this to say: “I’ve seen someone use a copy of The Strand to wipe up a spill. I’ve also seen someone use it as an umbrella during a

rainstorm. As far as I’m concerned, using copies of our paper for insultation instead of asbestos is probably the least offensive [use] by far.”

At press time, it remains unclear whether Commissioner Connoy was the person Kay saw cleaning up a spill with copies of The Strand.

СУПРИМ

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The Slavic Squat Phenomenon What is it and WHY does the West love it so much?

NICKOLAS SHYSHKIN SLAVIC SLUT

Once just an ordinary and comfortable position to place oneself in, The Slavic Squat has taken the Western world by storm since the early 2010s. As a Certified Slav imported into North America, I’ve found it interesting how captivated the ordinary Westerners are with The Squat, and how they go absolutely nuts when I, a Certified Slav, do The Squat myself.

First things first: why do we Squat? For simplicity’s sake, we’ll say its origin dates back to the beginnings of Yugoslavia and the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. Back in the day, the socialist nature of these states made it difficult to provide funding for everything. With the breakup of these

states and their economic difficulties, the lack of funding became exacerbated in the 1990s and leading into the 21st century. Particularly, this was demonstrated through the lack of public seating and the dire toilet situation that existed. We needed to find a solution within ourselves, and thus in the 30s or 40s, The Squat was adopted within the Slavic mindset. Couldn’t find a bench in the park in Zagreb? Squat!

No seats left on the metro in Kiev?

Squat! The public toilet is a hole in the ground? Squat! All of Moscow has used that public toilet on the гла́сность? Literally squat on it!!

Honestly, the Squat was never a propaganda campaign by the state to call on solving our problems, but it just became an inherent action and regular occurrence in our

everyday lives.

Second thing: with the socialist years left behind, some benches were placed, some toilets were imported from Germany, but as generations went on, these squats became genetic. This is why you’ll notice that Canadian-born Slavs Squat—it’s all hereditary! The motherland truly never leaves the hamstrings.

Though many Slavs emigrated from the region, they and their children never really left their roots.

This exposure to the West of Squatting offspring and the гла́сность of videos from Slavs squatting in the homeland has created an interest in, if not a fetishization of, the Squat. The popularization of the tracksuit and its comfort in the Slavic world went hand in hand

with the comfort of The Squat, so much that the Westerners couldn’t have one without the other— which only made the public more obsessed with this phenomenon.

It’s extremely important to note that many Westerners simply cannot do the Slavic Squat, and it’s really easy to tell. True Slavs will always have their feet flat on the ground and knees spread apart.

You’ll quickly notice that a squat is Westernized if the person incorporates the balls of their feet into the squat—this is wrong! We don’t exist to be slandered by NATOlovers! Not only is this bad physiologically, but this gives you away.

The KGB didn’t need to breach the CIA to find out who was a foreign spy during the Soviet Union, they just needed common sense.

Clearly not a Slav, look at that ugly stance.

Either a spy, or mocking the Slavic people.

Also, he looks like he’s from Florida.

A bunch of Slavs recognizing that the beach does not have adequate seating and they do not want to get their tracksuits dirty. They’re just enjoying a nice drink.

Here are a few visuals: A Slav in his truest form, definitely a Boris.

I don’t know what any of this means Please help SABRINA PAPAS GRANDMA

Maybe someone can help me. I have read countless articles outlining what it means to be a hypebeast, including “9 Signs You’re Definitely a Hypebeast.” I’m definitely not a hypebeast, if anyone was wondering. But to be honest, I’m still not quite sure what it means. I’m really trying here. I know that it’s different than being a

fuckboy type of person, but where do you draw the line? How does vaporwave even fit into this?

What about buckethats? None of this makes sense to me. I think I need a diagram, possibly some photos.

I am genuinely confused here. Help me, please. Both hypebeasts and fuckboys wear Supreme, right? That’s something. There’s a particularly insightful piece online entitled “A

Field Guide to the Modern Day Fuccboi.” It’s from 2015; am I the only person still wondering about all of this? Everyone else on The Strand seems to understand. I may be the problem here. Anyway, apparently there are many different types of fuckboys, so maybe the hypebeast is just a subdivision. I think I can comprehend that!* *I’m still pretty confused

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Shawty I don’t...

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Was Brendan Fraser Famous?

MAX NISBETH STAFF WRITER

The early 2000s were defined by many things: Juicy Drop Pop commercials, Bratz, Survivor, and, of course, Brendan Fraser. A question that has long perturbed scientists since the Brendanator’s sudden and abrupt disappearance from the screen is: was he ever really famous? If you have ever asked this question, shame on you. And here’s why!

Brendan Fraser was a sex icon.

Yeah, I said it! Who else was supposed to play George of the Jungle?

Christopher Plummer? Who else could have pulled off the loose, cloth, v-neck tees he was wearing in The Mummy? Nobody! This is the man who in Journey to the Centre of the Earth starred alongside a post Bridge to Terabithia Josh Hutcherson (when people still thought he was small because he was young).

He was interviewed by Carlos from The Zone about this film!! Carlos!!!!

They showed a clip of him dodging ground explosions!! He was a Branadian-American GOD! The greatest piece of evidence I can offer in proving Brendan

Fraser’s fame was Looney Tunes: Back in Action. He single-handedly brought pseudo-animated movies back into the realm of mediocrity. At one point during the film his character references being the stunt double for Brendan Fraser, at which point Daffy Duck says, “I can’t see the resemblance.” WOW! He was so famous that they wrote a joke into the movie about his own fame and popularity. He would’ve had to have been famous because otherwise people would have been like, “who the f@*# is Brendan Fraser?” Which nobody did! Ob-

viously! He even ends up meeting himself at the end of the movie!

This is a continued bit! They had a feature-length bit about how famous he was! All of this is in a movie starring Steve Martin! Brendan Fraser was more famous than Steve Martin!

People are hungry for Brendan Fraser! We all want a Brend-burger with a side of French Frase! So, Brendan, if you’re listening to The Strand audio issue, come home. We miss you.

(As voiced by Helen Mirren)

BIRDEMIC

Attracting Avian-Aficionado Admirers MEG ZHANG CONTRIBUTOR

I don’t have a lot of experience dating. I’ve only ever been in one long-term relationship. Since then, I’ve gone on a few dates and had a few intense but impermanent flings here and there. I am currently traipsing through the first stages of seeing someone more seriously.

I was studying for my lit theory finals when it dawned on me: I ATTRACT BIRD PEOPLE. And no, I don’t mean that I arouse (a-grouse?) the curiosities of cockatoos and chickadees. Nor do I stir up the interests of anthropomorphic creatures like Big Bird (FYI: Do NOT Google “Anthropomorphic Birds” unless you are prepared to subject yourself to upsetting amounts of information about WikiFur and the Anthrocon Furry Convention).

I present my evidence in the form of paraphrased things that

were said to me: My ex: I hope you’re ready for daily updates about the birds at Waterloo.

A friend that I got to know a little too well after six gin and tonics: Let me correctly identify every single bird we come across as we walk down the streets of New Orleans.

My current beau: I will send you a goose [snap] for every dog [snap] you send me.

Bear in mind (“Bird” in mind?)—I am not the one who instigates any talk about birds. I don’t even like birds. They are way too confident about themselves. They dominate the skies. They are harbingers of disease. Not to mention, I’ve been shat on an embarrassing number of times.

I texted my friend about my fowl situation. She eloquently explained my predicament to me: My friend: u have weird people magnetism

illustration

My friend: maybe u should try not giving off bird-friend vibes My friend: i bet they can Sense it My friend: i mean evidently My friend: how else do u attract so many bird folks What is the universe trying to tell me? Is it a pheromone I give

...MIND!

| emily fu

off? (Eau de Bird Seed, perhaps?)

Is this something I need to worry about? What is it that attracts them to this chick?

Do my love interests have BIRD FLU? And yes, I stand behind every single pun I made in this piece.

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Inaccessible Humour

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Rare Lost Film Discovered The biggest news in cinema since Murnau’s skull was stolen

photo

HARRISON WADE FILM CRITIC

Cinema history has forever changed with the recent rediscovery of Soft Soviets, directed by the great silent director Sergei Eisenstein. Long thought to have been destroyed in a fit of jealous passion, Soft Soviets (or Supreme Devotion as it’s subtitled) stars a young Charlie Chaplin and Timothée Chalamet as lovers and revolutionaries, torn between their duty to the proletariat and each other.

Scholars stumbled upon the film while browsing the Chicago Facebook Free and For Sale group. Lukas Wheeler posted an image of

the film reels, asking for “whatever, someone to take it off my hands.” Wheeler, 19, found Soft Soviets in his grandfather’s garage while looking for “shit to sell” for the upcoming OVO popup shop. “I had no idea what those tiny pictures were,” he said while shuffling his recently copped Yeezys, “but those movie guys thought it was straight fire, I guess.”

Straight fire, indeed, because Soft Soviets may be the single best movie ever made. In fact, it may be the best artwork ever created. After a brief restoration, Soft Soviets was screened in a limited run before being locked up in permanent preservation, guaranteeing its soon to be elitist and mythic status. At the screening I at-

| soft soviets

tended, Chalamet was conspicuously absent.

Regardless, Soft Soviets is surely the pinnacle of all art, the grail of all grails. It draws on an endless number of high-brow references, as the best art does. The compositions suggest Manet’s Impressionist portraits; the editing captures Basho’s intangible haikus; Chaplin and Chalamet are clearly influenced by the poetry of Sappho. Two viewers passed out in ecstasy; another apparently died as the film came to a close, having seen all there is to see.

The Strand reached out to Chalamet’s agent, but they declined to comment.

Did Someone Say Studying Abroad?

I studied abroad in France ALLY SCANDOLO SHE STUDIED ABROAD IN FRANCE

It can be so hard to find yourself if you have never been to Europe. Even harder if you have based your personality around loving Art House films you vaguely understand while feigning a love for mid-tier independent fashion designers you found on Instagram. Since the 19th century, privileged and ignorant explorers have done the classic Grand Tour—using Europe as a vehicle to make themselves inherently more interesting.

I actually did learn that dans mon cours d’histoire!

Anyway, Europe is honestly the only place worth visiting, if you ask me… And God, I thought you never would! I did do a semester abroad—just last year. Yeah, I know, I still have that “Fresh From Europe Glow.” Funnily enough, what it is actually is the 15 pounds I gained from eating things made mostly with butter after forfeiting my flexiveganism. Plus, it very much is my new wardrobe—even though I told you it was vintage, it’s actually all from the

Zara group.

It’s totally different from how we do things here, you know? Going out is a way of life there.

Yeah, no, totally—trust me! I used to just stand around at DIY spaces before I spent a semester in Europe. Now? If we don’t stay out until 6 AM, I don’t even want to go! Staying out in Europe was so cool, just standing in queues—I say “queue” now. Then, we would be denied at the door, because me and seven of my closest English-speaking acquaintances made too much noise while waiting.

Being there also gives you new lifestyle habits. For ages, I used to smoke normal cigarettes (realistically, any cigarette I could find after begging 3-10 strangers loitering outside of a bar and without saying thank you, good bye, or sorry for ripping that out of your hand). Now? Thankfully, I’ve learned the art of hand-rolling your own. In Europe, everyone does it, and not only is it cool, it’s not even marginally better for you! There are so many other cool new things I picked up: for example, I take a siesta every-

day even if it’s “inappropriate” and “very clearly this library desk isn’t for naps.” I also exclusively drink teeny tiny espressos now. I don’t know what “drip coffee” is, sorry!

Yeah, I miss it so much. Now the only places where I can talk about Europe are my fourth year French lecture, most house parties I attend, and at Starbucks, because my barista is actually going to Prague really soon. I loved the fact that it was so different from North America, but not at all in a way that could make me genuinely uncomfortable! Sometimes you just need to see lifestyles so similar to yours to open your eyes to cultural differences—like eating dinner at 9 PM, drinking only espressos, or expressing problematic views more openly than hiding it for the sake of maintaining a faux image of a national wokeness! Now if you do not mind, I need to go prepare several Instagram drafts because you can bet that my 12-week trip is all that defines me now!

O ituaries

page 12 issue 12 volume 60 the strand

10 // 04 // 2018 @strandpaper

We need to talk about the coffee in the VUSAC office The inside scoop on coffee scoops and poops

illustration

| mia carnevale

SUMEETA FURRUKH VICTIM

What began as a passing comment about the free coffee that sits in the VUSAC meeting room turned quickly into a gut-wrenching revelation: that coffee is very expired.

After I casually mentioned the coffee in conversation, an anonymous VUSAC member disclosed: “I’m the VPSO, of VUSAC, (20172018), and that coffee is expired. But nobody drinks it anyway.” - (name redacted for privacy)

This poses a grave concern to me as I have been drinking that coffee, like, every day. Sometimes multiple cups. Sometimes to make it more potent I mix the Nescafé with the Folgers 100% Colombian. It has a distinct taste, which at first I could not place, but I now recognize as a strong top note of December 2016 with a slight tangy undertone of August 2014. Following my consumption of the expired instant coffee granules are frequent trips to the Goldring single user washroom. I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty, but have you ever seen seven

melted Kinder eggs put through a blender and squeezed through a tube of toothpaste? I’ve just been through some stuff.

When asked for comment, an anonymous VUSAC president stated: “You also just poop a lot so let’s not confuse correlation with causation.” VUSAC hates its students: confirmed. Is this really the standard of living that our student government believes we deserve? My poops are loose and only a solid helping of justice will firm me up again.

What Once Spun, Now Spins No More A Fidget Spinner In Memoriam MAXWELL NISBETH AND ANGUS MACPHERSON STAFF WRITERS

Usually in the Trendz section of The Strand we talk about the phattest, greasiest, anti-normie trendz sweeping the nashe. But in this issue, we want to take a moment to pay tribute to the fallen heroes of Trendz past; for we would not have the current fresh and spicy, Redditfilled bowl of Honey Nut Trendio’s that we have today without the path of sacrifices blazed by fadz before it.

While there is nothing preventing the cold contact between our middle fingers and our thumbs, the metaphorical space between them has never felt so vast. What started off as some random spinny thingy to “help your attentiveness” ended as a random spinny thingy that was scientifically proven to NOT help your attentiveness. It marked the first time since Bakugan and Pokémon Cards that elementary school teachers were disbanding black market trade negotiations amongst

12-year-olds. The word “dank,” as well as the act of vaping, had never been used so popularly and with such shameless conviction. We are now in a dank vacuum, awaiting the next random and useless thing that will stick to our media-obsessed minds, sweep us off of our hover boarding feet, and steal our vine-viewing gaze just to give us a voluptuous, sweaty, twitter-bending trend that will surely die in a week. But hey, won’t that week be good?

Fidget Spinners will now join the legendary trend company of Heelys, Skip-its, and Ripstiks, which have all rolled themselves out of our lives as fast as they had wheeled themselves into them. It’s in moments like these where it is easy to crawl into a pit of despair: drowned by the weight of Kidz Bop CDs, Silly Putty eggs, and Easy-Bake Ovens—but there is hope. These Trendz, like that of our most recent meme angel, will never die. They will continue to spin on in our minds and in our hearts.

illustration

| melissa avalos