The Strand Joke Issue | Volume 59, Issue 12

Late Edition

Today, the weather continues to stress us out. Tonight, probably mild but horrible. Tomorrow, expect rain or sun or snow, but definitely sweating until exams are done. Weather map, Page 17.

“All the Fake News That We Can Fill Sixteen Pages With”

VOL LIX . . . No. 12

© The Student Federal Funds Company

NEW YORK LITE, MONDAY, APRIL 3, 2017

ST. MICHAEL’S COLLEGE OPENS BORDER WALL, ALLOWING STUDENTS TO TRAVEL FREELY TO VICTORIA

BY KODY MCCANN | WALL JUMPER St. Michael’s College, APRIL 1, 2017 – Catholic St. Mike’s College today opened its borders to Victoria, including the Burwash Gate, announcing that its citizens could travel or emigrate freely, in the most stunning step since World War II toward ending the St. Mike’sVictoria division of Campus.

Confronted by a mounting political crisis that a top St. Mike’s official said has placed the ruling St. Mike’s Student Union’s very existence at stake, the government said authorities had been instructed to grant permission without delay for people to journey abroad or leave the country. "Today, the decision was taken that makes it possible for all students to leave the SMC campus through Victoria College border crossing points," media chief of The Mike told a news conference shortly before 7 p.m. (1 p.m. EST).

As word spread, hundreds of jubilant St. Mike’s Students poured into Victoria College Quad on their first visits ever to the Victoria half of the U of T campus, divided for 28 years by the 13-foot-high concrete wall that is the best-known land-

mark along the Iron Curtain. On the Victoria side, large crowds gathered at the wall, passing champagne bottles around to joyful fellow U of T Students, whose side of campus has been the site of tense confrontations between St. Mike’s and Victorian troops and life-and-death scenes of desperate St. Mike’s students trying to flee across the heavily fortified wall.

In an extraordinary sight near the Burwash Gate along the city's dividing line, scores of young St. Mike’s and Victoria Students climbed to the top of the wall to greet each other and celebrate. Some used small hammers and chisels to chip away at the wall. Fireworks exploded over Charles Street West, Victoria’s main avenue, in an impromptu street festival that lasted into the early hours of the morning.

"We woke up the children when we heard the radio, and brought them over for this historic day," St. Mike’s Student said as he strolled with his wife and two sons by rows of cars continuously honking their horns.

Visiting UC, Victoria Col-

lege Student Union Presidents Stuart Norton and Rahul Christoffersen said they might have to break off their visit to University College because "developments {in St. Mike’s} are now unforeseeable." {Story, Page A41.} The St. Mike’s action was hailed in the Victoria as a historic victory for freedom. President Robins called the decision a "dramatic happening for St. Mike’s and, of course, for freedom." {Story, Page A37.} In the Goldring Student Centre this evening, a VUSAC meeting broke into spontaneous singing of the national anthem when it heard the news. "The long-awaited day has arrived."

Victoria Chancellor Wendy M. Cecil said. As news of the dramatic new decision reached New College, St. Mike’s Athletes taking refuge in that college began pouring across the campus into Victoria College’s southern Quad at the rate of 4,000 per hour, according to the New College news agency. That was 10 times the number that had been crossing just a few hours earlier. ~This story is still developing and stay tuned for more updates.

Student removes shoes in the library Peers hate him

BY ERIN CALHOUN | LEFT WING MEDIA Reportedly, on March 29th, 2017, a student removed his pair of Blundstones in the EJ Pratt Library. Those around him served dirty looks.

The student, who will remain unnamed, is double majoring in Economics and Political Science and believes he “deserves a break.” The student claims “nobody said anything to me so I’m sure they don’t mind.”

In fact, several students claimed that the stench of feet was not the only distracting thing about this one student: “His music was also super loud.

I tried to get his attention by coughing, but he was playing a Father John Misty song so loud from his headphones that you could hear it across the library probably. It just seemed hopeless,” one student in the library claims.

Other students contested on behalf of the shoeless student. “The library says no food

AARON SORKIN ‘INCONSOLABLE’ UPON DISCOVERY OF TERM ‘RACISM’ More on page 18

or drink; I don’t get why anyone would care if someone took their shoes off.” The consulted student was also caught with his shoes off in Robarts Library in the previous month.

Librarians and student employees feel that the existing rules have been suitable, but new ideologies have challenged their basic understandings of library etiquette. A librarian at EJ Pratt claims “I did not ever think I would have to tell a student to put his shoes back on in a public space.”

The well-used, brown, faded Blundstones lay several feet underneath and away from the student’s cubicle, perpetrating the space of another student studying. The student’s shoe choice portrays him as a cool, carefree guy: so relaxed, he doesn’t have to deal with laces.

“They’re so easy to slip on and off. Definitely my go-to shoe,” the shoeless student claims.

RIVERDALE UPDATES ARCHIE’S MUSIC CAREER AMONG TOP THINGS EVERYONE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT

One victim of the shoeless crime claims to be in the same political science class as the shoeless student. “He sits at the front and answers every single one of the prof’s questions with a thought of his own, never really answering the question. I guess it kind of makes sense why he took his shoes off.”

The shoeless student reportedly kept rolling his ankles and flexing his feet. The student was wearing mismatched red and black socks. He also reportedly would bounce his knee when intensely reading his Noam Chomsky text.

The Strand will be following this story as it unfolds. Specific focus will be given to library rules and the enforcement of etiquette, the Political Science and Economics departments, Blundstones Co., as well as student groups on campus that promote freedom of rights.

STUDENT COVERS WORLD NEWS FOR A NEWSPAPER THAT SHOULD REALLY JUST “STICK TO WHAT ITS GOOD AT” More on page 25

You pay, like, $6.00 into this levy

FAREWELL, FILM & MUSIC

FAKE NEWS

EVENTS ON CAMPUS THIS WEEK https://www.facebook. com/events/19105744925 21154 https://www.facebook. com/events/124151312930 2998/ https://www.facebook. com/events/184551609903 8486/

INVESTIGATIVE REPORT: THIS YEAR’S TOP YELLOW-WASHED FILMS: 1.

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THE 2017 GUIDE TO: CRYING AT ROBARTS You never know where it’s going to happen, so I broke it down by floor!

BY YASMIN MCDOWELL | RIGHT WING MEDIA Disclaimer: I’m not a loser, so I haven’t actually tested crying in all of these spots, just most of them.

FIRST: You’re screwed… sorry.

There’s nowhere to cry that can shelters you from the gaze of poutine-eaters and procrastinating students. The only solution is to make use of the exits, leave rRobarts, and go home, you fool.

SECOND: The trick here is to enter through the Faculty of Information entrance on the north side (north side). Go down the stairs on your left.

You’ll see big saggy couches where you can lie down and cry in comfort.

Maybe treat yourself to the conveniently-located vending machines nearby?

THIRD: The bathroom floor! It’s got all the benefits of a big bathroom minus the heavy traffic that you’ll experience in those on the the 1st first floor ones. Ladies, look down as you walk past the thousand mirrors that reflect how dishevelled you look. Boys, I’m not invested enough as a reporter to investigate for you. Figure it out yourselves. And most importantly, we should all be carving out spaces to cry about how cis-normative our campus is and how little work is being done to make trans and non-binary people feel safe. Let’s be better and I’m so sorry.

FOURTH: This is a pretty busy floor so you’ll have trouble keeping tears out of hidden from the public eye. Your best bet is the Centre for Teaching Support and Innovation.

This space was designed for group work and social interaction, but to Hell with the System. Claim an entire study room for yourself! Alternatively, when you walk in, turn left and then right. There’s a private ledge where you can sit and peer longingly out of the window (life’s is a music video!).

FIFTH: Make a hard left as you come out of the elevators, then make another hard left (sorry, Zoolander).

Walk past the cabinets of microfilm until you reach to the floor-to-ceiling windows. There’s an area here with

no tables or chairs (so you can sprawl on the floor). Architects would call it a poor use of space. Poor use of space my ass, I call it a haven for sad students.

SIXTH: Staff floor. This guide is not for staff. Au revoir.

SEVENTH: Who are you and why are you here? Seriously. Are you conducting experiments on humans? Comment below or email us stranded@ thestrand.ca.

EIGHTH: Wow, a great floor for crying. Honestly, one of my favourites.

Go to the East Asian Library. Find one of the private spots near the “windows” where you’re sheltered by both the cubicle-like tables and the labyrinth of bookshelves. You might also want to check out the Hong Kong Library. There are nice couches where you can lie down but please sob quietly ‘cause this is where I usually study.

NINTH: Go straight to the stacks and sit between your bookshelves of choice. You’ll have to remain absolutely still while you cry- you don’t want the light to activate and illuminate what’s left of your vitamin-deprived body.

TENTH: Same as 9.

ELEVENTH: Same as 9.

TWELFTH: Same as 9.

THIRTEENTH: Same as 9, for God sakes!

FOURTEENTH: Finally, somewhere you can be alone. Follow the signs that lead to the Dictionary of Canadian Biography, then totally ignore it because it’s boring. Continue down the hall. To your left, is seminar room 14353 (are there really this many seminar rooms?) It is often empty, so you can sob solo. If it’s occupied, sit on the ledge in front of the window.

Life. Is. A. Music. Video. This concrete alcove offers a calming view of Sussex and Huron. Let this elevated viewpoint remind you that you are majestic and the people-ants below mean nothing.

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THE STRAND, MONDAY, APRIL 3, 2017

FAKEST NEWS POSSIBLE CONFIRMED: Sleeping With Wet Hair Causes Lifelong Migraines The latest findings from the International Mothers Conference will shock you

Another white guy decides to study Classics Is anyone really that surprised?

BY WILLEM CRISPIN-FREI | LITERALLY ARISTOTLE

BY REBECCA GAO & WILFRED MOESCHTER | MOM-HAVERS

How hard do you think he is actually studying? Humanities, schumanities.

Sleeping on wet hair will ruin you and your pillows | Quinn Dombrowski

Mother’s Day isn’t for another couple of months, but moms worldwide were busy this past weekend as they congregated in Toronto for the annual International Mothers Conference (ICM). The weekend was packed full of presentations and keynote speakers, with one notable finding confirming that that wet hair does cause lifelong migraines.

“After living in the dark for generations, we can finally rest easy knowing that your inexplicable headache is a result of sleeping with wet hair, Bradley,” Susan Wong, a local mother, said while simultaneously addressing a panel of scientist mommies and scolding her idiot son.

This announcement comes after years of agonizing research by mothers worldwide, including the measurement of hairto-moisture ratios, much to the chagrin of the children of the world.

Other new findings announced at the ICM include the discovery of cold water’s adverse effects on your health. The report doesn’t specify what health-harming effects cold water has, but the mothers have assured us that it’s very much true and that we should just be drinking warm water to settle our stomachs, goddamnit.

This revolutionary discovery came as a shock to many, and caused ripples of dissent to arise within the scientific community. Dr. Thomas Smith, a local neurologist, immediately told the mothers that their form of science was “patchy” at best and “devastatingly irresponsible” at worst. We here at The Strand disagree and are inclined to believe the scientist mommies, as it is well documented that mother knows best.

Another keynote speaker was Stephanie Lang, who has spent years proving that cancerous cell phone rays are only emitted if you’re using your right ear.

Lang has already planned to attend next year’s ICM, as this year’s was a “truly enlightening place to learn more ways to boss my kids around. I mean, it’s all for the sake of their health. This is what real science is all about.”

The ICM was a site for discussion as well as for teaching, as demonstrated in two organized debates. Saturday’s debate focused on the question of what time fruit is best eaten. Riya Patel argued that “the way fruit is digested means you shouldn’t eat it with a full stomach. It really messes with your body chemistry. There’s been lots of research.”

This was met with strong opposition from conference co-chair Kathy Chu, who maintained that, based on research, fruit should not be eaten on an empty stomach, as “the health effects all go away.”

Neither mom specified where their research was from, but both gave very convincing arguments.

Sunday’s debate addressed the length of time that chewing gum stays in your digestive system. At the end of the debate, it was decided that this length of time would be changed from 12 years to five; a change that was met with applause. When approached for comment, Patel said: “misguided people may call this conference arbitrary, but our children always ask us where we come up with our health advice. It’s good that I have an answer now that’s reinforced by something proper and proven.”

The ICM encourages mothers to attend from early on in motherhood so that they can improve their parenting skills before their children learn to question them erroneously. Other events included a seminar on the most appropriate places to store sewing equipment (cookie tins were the resounding favourite) and an annual workshop on managing children’s use of technology.

“Even when I know that my Bradley’s doing his homework, it’s important that I still scold him for playing on his stupid phone,” said Wong. “At last year’s ICM, it was proven to be the #1 best way to encourage productivity.” Bradley Wong could not be reached for comment. We here at The Strand are tickled pink to know about these mom-approved health hacks and we look forward to next year’s discoveries!

TORONTO - Local white guy, Robert John Anderson, has decided to pursue a Master of Arts degree in the field of Classics, a discipline devoted to reading the writings and ramblings of bigoted, imperialist white guys who have been dead for two thousand years, at the University of Toronto.

In a move that surprised absolutely no one, the outgoing President of the same school’s undergraduate Classics Students’ Union announced his academic intentions for Fall 2017 in a speech that really highlighted how he didn’t surprise himself by choosing to go into a field he had been actively interested for nearly eight years in a city which he has inhabited his whole life.

“Some might call it inertia to stay in Toronto and still study Classics, but I call it dedication and a commitment to the city and university I have known and loved, which will hopefully, and literally, pay off one day,” Anderson announced when he informed his friends and family of his decision to turn down other offers from Oxford, Cambridge, and McMaster University.

This announcement is a cul-

mination of a journey with very few major hurdles, and one that most acquaintances and colleagues agree is a pretty good choice and an obvious match, given the strengths of the University of Toronto and the decent funding opportunity presented.

Friends and acquaintances were slightly confused, given that he had, as recently as last summer, planned on doing an MSc in Urban Planning.

“I mean, yes, the city is growing and seemingly has unending transit woes that will keep planners busy and employed for decades, but, come on, how cool were those Roman aqueducts!”

Anderson replied when asked why he decided to forego a degree in a practical, growing, and employable field.

At press time, Anderson was reassuring himself that his degree provided vague “critical analytical-skills” and that the world still needed humanities graduates, while crossing his fingers that he wouldn’t have to use his books of Homer and Vergil as fuel for a fire when confronted with an ever-increasing hydro bill he can’t afford due to underemployment.

REPORT: VUSAC attempts to use UofT observatory as surveillance device

BY ERIK PRESTON | WAKEBOARDING COACH TORONTO—A report released this week capped off a Dean’s office investigation of allegations against the student union surrounding the wire-tapping of Victoria College students. The report addresses allegations against the student government, specifically their consideration of using the UofT Astronomy department’s observatory as a surveillance device. This would allow them to tap into student’s phones in order to insert subliminal messages promoting VUSACsanctioned events.

A source on VUSAC, who spoke to The Strand under the condition of anonymity, told us that they became alarmed after discussions during a non-publicized February VUSAC meeting. “Certain members of council were becoming increasingly concerned with hostility towards the Council on behalf of constituents, and were willing to explore what some of us considered to be extreme measures,” the

source told us. “These extra-judicial actions are a direct violation of our constitution, and as a result cannot go un-noticed by the VCU.” The Dean’s office report confirmed the allegations, revealing emails between a VUSAC member, whose name was redacted, and the Astronomy department. An undisclosed amount of VCU funds were offered to the department for unrestricted access to the observatory.

In one of the emails, a staffer of the Astronomy department, whose name was also redacted, asks pointedly what VUSAC intended to do with the observatory, to which the un-disclosed VUSAC member responded, “just don’t worry about it.”

The report goes on to explain that despite the student government’s efforts, it would be impossible to use the observatory as a surveillance device, as there is no possible way the device could be configured for such use.

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THE STRAND, MONDAY, APRIL 3, 2017

NOT HUMANITIES The signs as people I know This is NOT a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are neither the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictional manner—this is Real Life. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is absolutely intentional.

BY RESIDENT CLAIRVOYANT WITH A LOT OF UNRESOLVED PERSONAL ISSUES Aries Has a good sense of style but it’s mostly because they keep borrowing my clothes and never giving them back.

Taurus Hot take? Not that good in bed and not nearly as experienced as they’d like to make it seem.

Gemini Most likely to ask you to retweet them and then begin nonstop talking about how Twitter famous they are now.

Cancer Enjoys watching Riverdale, but that show actually fucking sucks, so.

Libra On Friday, your ruler, quicksilver Mercury, blazes into Taurus and your ninth house of travel and global escapades until April 25!

Scorpio Every time you don’t answer my texts for like, an hour, I convince myself that you hate me.

Sagittarius Introduces you to their family, and as it turns out, their ENTIRE fucking family watches Riverdale. Together. As a family. Even when the teacher is full-on boning their student.

Capricorn Gets ghosted once and will NOT stop talking about it, because like, even though we never actually went out, I really felt like we just had a connection? I mean, it’s fine but like, what the fuck—you know?

Leo Takes their job way too seriously. You sell air conditioners—you don’t need 3 olive suits. Also, it’s weird to have your picture on your resume.

Aquarius Slept with one of my best friends a couple weeks ago—I don’t care though. I’m Very Much over it.

Virgo There is absolutely nothing wrong with this sign that I can think of, personally.

Pisces Listen, Steve, here’s the thing: you’re not that deep.

Thanks, Lynn, for always coming through with the Illustrated Content.

GMO Foods Will Kill Your Unborn Children

BY TANUJ KUMAR | STUDENT ATHLETE The current realities of international food development and worldwide food inequality have led to the persistent use of the genetic modification of foods in order to supplement our everyday cereals and fruits with so-called nutrients. But in doing so, however, it becomes extremely important to ensure that the evil realities of genetically-modified organisms (GMOs) are realized and understood, so that we may enjoy Nature’s bounty unchanged and natural—as it should be.

And it’s clear that science supports this. A recent paper this week by Professor A. Wakefield of Simon Hopkins University, titled “The effects of consumption of common genetically-modified foods on in-vitro zygote synthesis” shows how far humans have challenged Nature with their unbridled hubris and dark technology. In a startling experiment involving double-blind clinical tests and statistical analyses of experimental results, the facts are horrifically clear: the continued consumption of GMO foods will kill your unborn children.

In the study, Wakefield tested the effect of GMO consumption on the in-vitro fertilizations of donated sex cells from various experimental subjects. All were treated to a GMO-heavy diet that primarily consisted of gene-edited tomatoes, carrots, “lab-grown” chicken, and “nutrient-packed” golden rice, for three straight weeks in opposition to a control group that stuck to wholesome, natural, beautiful, and good, unedited, and organic non-GMO foods. From the paper’s results, Wakefield and his team found a significant “decrease in the natural vitality of the sex cells and resulting slower zygote growth” from two of the 30 experimental subjects who consumed GMOs. This is a clear and obvious result. Even just two people here having these effects asks the question: what stops you, your mom, or your kids from having the same effects? The study did not follow up with growing the zygotes into test-tube

children because of the ethical consequences of going against Nature, but it is easy to extrapolate the results of “weakened cells”; your unborn children are dying.

Two people out of 30 people is 7%. There are currently 7.125 billion people on the planet. 7% of 7.125 billion is 500 million. And if each person pairs up and gives birth to two children, that means 500 million potential unborn children. But if all of these people eat the GMOs in this so-called “quest to end hunger,” it will just mean 500 children will die. GMOs are mass murder, as this study has revealed.

This is obvious to many who already understand the dangers of GMO foods, from slowly withering away your bones to causing your third eye to calcify in the same way as the government’s use of New Order Fluoride. Never mind the fact that GMO apologists say that genetic modification of foods has been a part of human history for centuries, or that the so-called scientists (in the pocket of Big Government) claim that the “major issues regarding GMOs are unchecked horizontal gene transfers and the dehumanizing exploitation of farmers by multinational food conglomerates.” Already, the GMOs in our diet that have persisted since the creation of environmental and food regulations has led to the uptick in violence and rioting we see around the world today, with millions of people now subconsciously angered at the deaths of potential unborn children. Millenials have become entitled narcissists because of it, and people are now getting rowdy for no reason!

What do we do in this situation? The obvious result is to get rid of GMO foods wherever we see them.

I’m not talking about lobbying corrupt politicians or whatever, but actually going to your local marketplaces and throwing all the GMO foods on the floor forever.

“Food waste” is a lie when these genetically-modified foods will be killing your unborn children. Replace any grocery stores that may carry these GMOs with wholesome and natural places, like Whole Foods and Trader

Live shot of GMO contamination happening—tragic.

Joe’s, and you’ll know you will be driving out the GMO apologists when they label your righteous crusade for Nature as “gentrification.” Stop eating genetically modified foods. Replace all your corn with Nature’s original teosinte, and enjoy your new type of popcorn; tiny and barely existent, hardly edible, and totally healthy. (Your unborn children will also be thankful).

Some scientists and commentators claim that GMOs are “fine by themselves but problematic in the hands of profit-driven corporations.” But they are wrong and misguided. If we head down the path of continued GMO consumption, the only reality ahead of us is the extinction of the human race. As more and more unborn children are destroyed, the economy will collapse in the future and, thus, civilization will fall.

GMOs will cause the downfall of humanity.

The only way forward is to disregard all of these GMOs and all of these hubris-based technological advances and return to a life of anarcho-primitivism. Only then can we achieve collective spiritual consciousness through synchronizing our pineal glands and crystals to live a life as one.

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THE STRAND, MONDAY, APRIL 3, 2017

ARTS & CULTURE Real “I Know How To Use InDesign Now” Hours No One Is Safe and I Am Not Scared

BY MOLLY KAY | “CAN I BUNZ THE OFFICE COUCHES NOW THAT I’M IN CHARGE?”

Welcome to the dawn of a new era, folks! I learned how to use Adobe InDesign this year in between my six courses and French theatre involvement, which has lead me to discover that Graphic Design Is My Passion! As incoming Editor-in-Chief, I hope you know The Strand is in highly skilled hands (because Elena actually has relevant journo experience). Join me on this journey as I do everything in my power to turn The Strand into a tabloid!

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THE STRAND, MONDAY, APRIL 3, 2017

FILM & MUSIC Persons From Our Parents’ Generation Create Cringey Memes To Express Their Dissatisfaction With Today’s State of Music, But Moreso to Fill The Gaping Void In Their Soul As They Feel Left Behind From a Rapidly Progressing Younger Generation.

Hypercritical Review of Drake’s More Life From the Perspective of a Dude Who Interrupted Me and My Friends At a Bar

BY ALEXANDRA SCANDOLO | DRAKE THINKPIECE JOHNNY WINNER

BY JOSHUA KIM

You should be glad to know Drake loves the cheap beer you drink and all of your opinions | Lynn Hong

You know, I just don’t get excited about music anymore. It seems like More Life is the only album that will really matter for the next two to three weeks, right? Everyone’s talking about it day and night but, you know what, it didn’t really do it for me. Anyways, what did you say your name was again?

I mean, it’s interesting how it’s a playlist. Not an album or a mixtape, but a playlist. Like what makes it so different, Aubrey? Remember when we didn’t take him this seriously—man, I miss the Take Care days. I mean, Kendrick and Drake toured together then! Everything Drake does has a shelf-life of two years now—like, remember “Pop Style?” Took 12 hours to even make a dent in my complex consciousness. Before that Grammy, he was raw—I think he knows he’s corny and plays it up! It’s definitely a reflection of our post-postmodern society and how sentimentality is becoming ironic; I doubt if my general disposition and constant talking over you indicated this, but I study philosophy. Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to knock that $8 vodka cran out of your hand with my uncomfortable gesticulation!

And what’s with all those accents! Maybe I shouldn’t be the one to speak on this, but hey, let’s be devil’s advocate here—I just think it’s all a bit convoluted. Why keep switching accents when you’re from Forest Hill and grew up on Degrassi? Have you seen the memes about this?

So, it’s multiple Spidermen… Wait, you’re right, there is nothing more boring than someone explaining an Internet joke over the din of a loud bar. Anyways, do you want some of this halfdrank beer?

“Passionfruit” is really good though—really gets you in the, uh, mood. Oh, you don’t want me to say that? That’s fair, would you prefer to hear me defend the last third of the album’s dry and fading tracks when the first twelve are definitely the freshest material he’s produced in a while?

I’m going to assume you staring deeply into your drink with glazed over look is a big “yes!”

Maybe “Star67” is the best Drake song ever, but no song will ever compare to the sound of my own voice droning on about my lukewarm, yet aggressive, takes. In my humble opinion, I would have definitely done the track listing way different. Views was ten tracks too long but still wasn’t enough to appease my need to take down any and all art I can’t create myself. Wow, you’re a really fast walker—let me hold that cab door open for you and your two other friends that are also clearly ignoring me.

I’ll definitely be sure to text the completely fake number you gave me with photos of my “Awaken My Love!” vinyl and any further extremely unnecessary opinions about music I can shout into the void!

AN ANONYMOUS NOTE TO THE EDITOR SAM, THE FIRST NIGHT AT BED WHEN YOU LEFT, RON MADE OUT WITH 2 GIRLS AND PUT HIS HEAD INBETWEEN A COCKTAIL WAITRESSES BREASTS. ALSO WAS GRINDING WITH MULTIPLE WOMEN. WHEN YOU LEFT CRYING AT KLUTCH, RON WAS HOLDING HANDS AND DANCING WITH A FEMALE AND TOOK DOWN HER NUMBER. MULTIPLE PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE KNOW, THEREFORE YOU SHOULD KNOW THE TRUTH

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THE STRAND, MONDAY, APRIL 3, 2017

the strand v o l u m e

OPINIONS

5 9

editors-in-chief

erik preston

editor@thestrand.ca

alexandra scandolo

news

erin calhoun

news@thestrand.ca

How to Exist Online Now That Your White, Cishet Opinions Have Been Declared Worthless

shailee koranne

opinions

opinions@thestrand.ca tanuj ashwin kumar

science

science@thestrand.ca features

tamilore oshodi

features@thestrand.ca arts

&

molly kay

culture

artsandculture@thestrand.ca film

&

elena senechal-becker joshua kim

music

Some tips from a marginalized person to help you navigate social media while facing misandry, reverse racism, cisphobia, and everything else this backwards generation is hurling at you

filmandmusic@thestrand.ca celeste yim

stranded

stranded@thestrand.ca tristan mcgrath-waugh

copy editing

BY SHAILEE KORANNE | HOT TAKE COORDINATOR

copy@thestrand.ca genevieve wakutz

design

design@thestrand.ca photo

rosa kumar

photo@thestrand.ca art

lynn seolim hong

art@thestrand.ca web

justine chen

web@thestrand.ca

arjun sawhney

editorial assistants

tyler biswurm ainsley doell amanda gosio grace king sabrina papas carol eugene park

contributors ainsley doell, ayesha adamjee, charlène hanania,

kody mccann, rebecca gao, thomas trimble, vivian li, wilfred moeschter, willem crispen-frei, yasmin mcdowell copy editors ainsley doell, grace king, CAROL EUGENE PARK, erik preston, alexandra scandolo design team

annika hocieniec, sonya roma illustrations lynn hong photos rosa kumar back cover design photo courtesy of second city

The Strand has been the newspaper of record for Victoria University since 1953. It is published 12 times a year with a circulation of 1200 and is distributed in Victoria University buildings and across the University of Toronto’s St. George campus.

The Strand flagrantly enjoys its editorial autonomy and is committed to acting as an agent of constructive social change. As such, we will not publish material deemed to exhibit racism, sexism, homo/transphobia, ableism, or other oppressive language.

The Strand is a proud member of the Canadian University Press (CUP).

Our offices are located at 150 Charles St. W., Toronto, ON, M5S 1K9. Please direct enquiries by email to editor@thestrand.ca. Submissions are welcome and

FOLLOW US @STRANDPAPER /THE STRAND WWW.THESTRAND.CA

Again, Chadley? Did you have to offer your two cents on why you think police should be a part of the Toronto Pride Parade? Really, Meaghan? You think Jordan Peterson might have been on to something about freedom of speech? Come on, Bradd. Why did you publicly declare that you are a victim of feminism? You should know by now that you can’t say anything nowadays without the PC police shoving your words back up your ass. Your feelings are hurt now that people are angry at you, right? Fine. Here is what you can do:

• Write a Tweet thread without getting confused about the new “reply” lay-out.

• Share a National Post article on Facebook that backs up your opinion. Never mind that it’s written by a fifty-something white cishet person who has never experienced systemic prejudice—as long as it backs you up!

• Have your Tweet thread compiled into an article by an intern at Buzzfeed or the Huffington Post. You won’t get paid for that, by the way.

• If you’re feeling especially up to taking on your demographic’s emotional burdens for yourself, write a Facebook post about your opinion. Set it to “public” so strangers from across the world can call you names. Make sure to correct the grammar of people that try to call you out.

• Share an infographic about it. Don’t try to make your own infographic. I promise you, one already exists. Don’t research the facts displayed in the graphic. I mean, if someone took all that time to make that infographic, everything it says has to be correct, right?

Right?

• Anxiously refresh your notifications every five seconds to see if someone new has told you to kill yourself.

• Brace yourself for the confusing hate message/calls for courtship that you receive from some dudes. It’s kinda hot, like, they hate you but they also really wish you would have sex with them.

• Try to read one of the constructive messages or articles that patient people have sent you, unless they’ve sent you a link from Teen Vogue, because there’s no way young girls know what they’re talking about!

• Get a good night’s sleep. It’s not like you’re going to suffer any real violence because of your opinions anyway. Tomorrow will be a new day when you can walk through the streets with no fears, calmed by the realization that all your opinions are backed by this country’s politicians, major media outlets, and some people who look just like you!

7

THE STRAND, MONDAY, APRIL 3, 2017

REALLY JUST MORE OPINIONS It Happened To Me: I’ve become a parody of a student journo and this is My Story

BY ALEXANDRA SCANDOLO | INSTAGRAM MOM-DEL The nostalgia you develop in the midst of finishing your undergraduate degree is very real—let me tell you. I keep running my hands along the sides of railings in Old Vic and pausing in the middle of the stairs at Sid Smith, thinking about how this will be the last of this, or the last of that. This is one of those moments; the last issue of The Strand’s 59th volume. I’m writing this with one hand pressed firmly on the iMac monitor in the office. My apologies to Volume 60 for the teardrops on the wireless keyboard.

My involvement on campus evolved over the last four years, but The Strand has threaded its way through it all. I applied to be an Editorial Assistant in my first year, this somewhat younger, and much keener, version of myself trying to decide which path my undergrad would take. I remember thinking about moulding myself into Rory Gilmore if I got the position—when I didn’t, my melodrama kicked in and I decided that, maybe, student journalism just wasn’t for me.

While my ability to turn very minor rejections into catastrophes still lingers, I managed to lick my firstyear wounds and weasel my way back in here. After contributing photos and joke articles to The Strand in my second year, former EIC Anthony Burton pushed me to write my first (of many) articles about Drake last year. With a bit of encouragement from former EIC and Strand Mom, Holly McKenzie-Sutter, I decided to run for EIC. This year and this position have taught me more than I could have imagined; leading me to learn more about media ethics, a hell of a lot about InDesign, and working on deadlines that make me grey around the eyes. I have also found myself back on

Twitter in order to verbally cope with the aforementioned sleep schedule.

The Strand is one of many storied institutions at UofT that allow for students to take their first steps in media. Student journalism at UofT can be hard to navigate, particularly when the St. George campus doesn’t offer a direct degree in the field. What we lack in a Subject POSt, we make up for in campus life. Campus is saturated with active publications and journals looking for writers, and course offerings at different colleges try to satiate the student journo in need.

While a cut and dry journalism degree can’t be found at UTSG, cobbling together your own through hands-on experiences is definitely just as rewarding.

Being a part of a community of writers and editors on a student publication allows you to watch journalism work. If you want to write, get involved where you

can—there is so much opportunity out there and so many of you with hot takes to be tended to.

Had you told my 18-year old self that I would have had a hand in producing twelve issues of The Strand by the end of undergrad, I definitely would have immediately asked about 30 questions as to what the hell happened in second and third year to even make it back to Room 153. I wouldn’t change my experience here for the world, regardless of the amount of Domino’s I consumed in the last eight months or how many hours I logged staring at typefaces. To Anthony and Holly, thank you for being mentors to me in your own ways—I never would have believed in myself if you hadn’t first. Most importantly, to Erik—thank you for balancing the budget and my over-excitability.

It’s been incredible to learn alongside you with a lot of laughter and very few editorial squabbles. Molly and Elena, I’m excited to see where you and the incoming staff take Volume 60. With your stamina, preparedness, and killer dynamic, I know you’ll fill the Blundstones and Chelsea boots Erik and I have left behind more than perfectly. (Molly, please don’t Bunz the couches in the office. Please.)

Working with this year’s masthead has been undeniably important to my own development as a writer and editor. Being able to see everyone experiment and grow in their positions not only inspired me to push myself harder this year, but made me a very proud Volume 59 Strand Mom. I cannot express how knowing and working with every single one of you has been amazing; your unyielding passion and drive has shown me the importance of student journalism. Continue to get yours—you are the future of journalism,

WE’RE STILL RELEVANT! The yearly review of why student journalism is still important

BY ERIK PRESTON | MANLY BAKER’S BOY Looking back over the past few volumes of The Strand, one may notice a common theme among the final editorials offered by each outgoing EIC. One tends to offer a heartfelt, teary-eyed reflection of the past year, while the other talks about how we, as student journalists, are somehow Still Relevant. As you can see, my colleague Alexandra has covered the former in her above article (thanks for the shout-out, buddy!) As a result, I will be discussing the latter.

One of the most important things I have come to realize about university is an immensely powerful place, one where you have the chance to really make a difference and make your voice heard outside of your day-today studies. Though this may sound cliché, it is true now more than ever.

This is my fifth year here at UofT. Looking back over my time here, the world has changed considerably.

When I started here in 2012, Rob Ford was only halfway through his term as Mayor and shit was juuuuuuust starting to hit the fan. Wind the clock forward to 2017, and in hindsight, that all seems so trivial.

From both a personal and societal perspective, 2017 has been fucking terrifying. With the end of my undergrad fast approaching, I’d be lying if I said that what lies ahead doesn’t terrify me: adulthood, entering the workforce permanently, realizing that I’ll ACTUALLY have to do my own taxes next year (how do you even do that?)

But upon considering the fact that the world had been essentially flipped on its head in the past year, it has become clear that there are much more important things to worry about. For example, the fact that refugees continue to cross borders en masse, seeking protection from various human rights abuses and environmental crises, while those who should be welcoming them continue to seek ways to expel them.

Or as a further example, a large group of citizens who make up Western societies feel their safety at risk in their own countries, mainly as a result of a resurgence far-right ideologies that seek to marginalize folks based on their race, gender or sexual orientation. Many think that Canada has remained relatively safe and separate from the wave of fascism and the “alt-right”, but also seem to forget that the Conservative party is currently selecting its new leader, who will take on Justin Trudeau and his “sunny ways” in 2019. While Michael Chong offer some reassurance that we are different, candidates like Kellie Leitch prove the exact opposite.

If there is a god, right now I’m picturing him as that meme of the kid stirring the pot with that big stupid smile on his face (For reference, see The Strand starter pack on page 6).

Through all of this, what has stood out above all is the immense importance that a fair, free, and responsible media has in today’s society. Fake news has been

a central issue of 2017, a problem that we are forced to grapple with as the ability to differentiate between truth and fiction in the online sphere becomes ever more arduous.

As a result, I declare that We, the Student Journalists, are Still Relevant!

Outside of the intrinsic value of being able to experience the process involved in producing well researched, thorough, and fact-checked content for publication, student journalists provide a very important service to their peers. University campuses have always been bastions of forward-thinking, progressive movements. Progressive politics are often brought to fruition and into public discourse as a result of discussions that first take place on university campuses. Student journalists can, and often do play an integral part in this process.

In this age of debates over free speech, as what was once considered political extremism becomes mainstream, this ability that student journalists have becomes more and more important. It is one that we mustn’t forget, nor neglect. However, we depend on you, our readers, to offer us this opportunity and call us out when we fail to fulfill this responsibility.

We thank you for reading and sticking with us through Volume 59. In return, we promise to continue to do our best through Volume 60, and each volume after that.

FROM THE STRAND

Kody McCann @agentKodybankss

Russian TA after teaching us a 3 hour lesson on Microsoft Excel: *looks at watch and sighs* “it’s too early to get drunk yet.”

Elena @ElenaLNA

i went to two classes today, but the best thing I learned is still that Kim Kardashian gets her body double to try her clothes on for her

erin @erincalhoun_

when all the boys i went on dates with begin to resurface with rlly bad haircuts, i win!

Kody McCann @agentKodybankss

#DescribeYourselfInThreeCharacters

Shailee @ssshailee

When someone sits right next to u regardless of your lecture hall being almost entirely empty, u have no choice but to start a life together

underpaid sjw @celestrogen

I met Emma Stone once and she was really nice but that doesn’t mean she deserves an Oscar

hana @hananikc

the last 2 times I used twitter it was 1) re: Nancy drew computer games & 2) to win an art history textbook so get hyped I’m good at this

Grace King @gracellenking

You know those days when you open a new liquid eyeliner and you’re like yeah...yeah...I could save the world today

Ally Scandolo @allyfrancesca

Adam Levine covering Waterfalls is the equivalent of getting your sleeves wet while washing your face

molly @mollyakay Arjun @SawhneyArjun

#RIPAeropostale

Just deleted Snapchat ...so nice to just unplug ... enjoy nature ... Millennials are the Always On Generation but not me

Turns out Twitter is a perfect way to convey legitimate, presidential opinions, and we at The Strand love a good digital hot take in traditional print media. Here’s what we (Ally) think, in our (Ally’s) humblest opinion, are our best Tweets—maybe the best, most tremendous tweets on the entire political platform.

Plus, one of our masthead members (#CelesteYim #AllySoon) is verified—your move, everyone else!

underpaid sjw @celestrogen

RIP Club Penguin, where I first learned about the alltime combo of getting flirted with AND death threats from online men!

Shailee @ssshailee

The gender binary is FAKE and this is coming from a Gemini so trust me I know a thing or two about fakes

carol.eugene @carolparkk

Subway rides are great cause I just admire and appreciate how FIRE girls’ makeup looks are

Arjun @SawhneyArjun

I’m going to start uber in Venice. Let’s work on this together @elonmusk

carol.eugene @carolparkk

when i edit other people’s work, instead of positive criticism, i want to write: “WTF IS THIS? just quit while you’re at it.”

heather @heathereme

pacing while emma edits my paper makes me feel like an 18th century gentleman waiting to find out if his wife and new child survived labour

Ally Scandolo @allyfrancesca

Him: send nudes Him, but an intellectual: send news

molly @mollyakay

I will not be burned at the stake for enjoying Closer by The Chainsmokers

Erik Preston @erikpaulpres Elena @ElenaLNA

i think a post-work surf is in order #surfsup #6oclockcomequicker

just finished watching La La Land, not sure what all the fuss is about, heather @Heathereme

I literally almost took off my bra under my shirt during my exam before I remembered where I was, think I’m gettin 2 comfy at school

erin @erincalhoun_

Why is Justin Trudeau always dressed like a frat boy

11

FEATURES

EDITOR | TAMILORE OSHODI @STRANDPAPER

WORDS BY AYESHA ADAMJEE PHOTO BY ROSA KUMAR

FEATURES@THESTRAND.CA

FEATURES

THE STRAND | 3 APRIL 2017

I

am sure most of us are aware of how privileged we are to live in a city as tolerant and progressive as Toronto. Coming into contact with people from countless different backgrounds and cultures on a daily basis makes it abundantly clear that our beloved city has the extraordinary ability to look beyond appearances, where people base their judgments on far more important criteria (e.g. how long one is willing to hold a door open). This is part of what places Toronto at the helm of the world’s progression, a responsibility that entails a lot more than simple open-mindedness. Nevertheless, to push past our current hateful climate, we need to shed light on our weaknesses as well as our strengths, persisting in our pursuit of empathy by searching out the points of view outside of what we may be accustomed to. To help illustrate this, I had a lunch conversation with my friend Dane Ko, a fourth year transgender classical pianist, to discuss his experiences with gender and transitioning.

How would you define your gender?

A textbook answer would be that I identify as a transgender male because I identify with primarily masculine traits. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t things in between that I don’t feel that dysphoric about, things that don’t necessarily fit into the two boxes. But I’m more masculine than anything else, so if I were to tell someone in a one-word answer, I would say I’m a male.

What kinds of things would you say you’re not dysphoric about?

Well, less dysphoric. I guess it has to do with the fact that I wasn’t very big-chested or feminine to begin with so I’ve never really had that urgency to get top surgery that so many people have. I’m probably getting a hysterectomy before top surgery.

I’m also very comfortable not doing a lot of stereotypically masculine things, like sports or a lot of typically “masculine” behaviours. This used to be an insecurity of mine because a now ex-psychologist at CAMH was supposed to diagnose people before they got OHIP coverage for transitioning. He wanted to make sure everyone thought in a traditional way and he would hear about my lack of top-dysphoria and my non-binary gender views and put a note in my file making it more difficult to get funding. And I think most people don’t feel in binaries. Until I was on testosterone, I totally bought into his genderbinary thinking. I hated this female side of me and I wanted to be 100% male. I used to romanticize everything to do with being male, but now I’m a lot more comfortable having some parts still intact.

I mostly just want to have enough masculinity to interact socially as my gender. But now that I have enough comfort in my identity and my expression, I feel comfortable not conforming to everything associated with masculinity.

How long did you know that you felt that way?

When did you realize you had masculine tendencies?

In my earliest memories, seriously. I’ve known since I was like 4 or 5, but I didn’t have the vocabulary to clarify for myself how I felt, I didn’t have the right people to guide me, I didn’t have the resources to find out—I was alone in it. I spent my childhood in Hong Kong in a predominately female private school. I knew I was different but I didn’t even know this option was available. I did have one or two childhood friends who were tomboyish and we would hang around each other but I think I’m the only one that took that one step further and actually transitioned.

Would you say your gender is static? Do you think it’s changed at all over time?

No, I’ve never considered myself to be anything feminine. And when I did, it was never more than entertaining the thought hypothetically. But I have other trans guy friends who got off testosterone, because it was borderline too much. Because they realized that it was more than what they were comfortable with. Some stop and start again. I think it has to do with craving what you can’t have and then not being satisfied when you have it. Some cases are more complicated because gender and sexuality don’t necessarily correspond but I’ve only ever been attracted to females, so my case may be more black and white.

If I pass in most peoples’ eyes then [my girlfriend] Vivian and I would look like a straight, CIS Asian couple.

Do you ever feel discriminated against because of your gender?

Well, sometimes not intentionally. When I first came out to people, some of whom I didn’t even know, especially before I was on T, they would refer to me as he/she/whatever, and things like that hurt.

And when I heard that I was like, “How about no.”

And I don’t even think they were trying to be malicious, they just don’t know any better. I’m quite lucky that no one is really malicious to my face.

WHEN MY FIRST SOCIOLOGY PROFESSOR EXPLAINED THE SOCIALLY CONSTRUCTED NATURE OF GENDER TO ME, I FELT LIKE A LIMITLESS WORLD HAD BEEN REVEALED TO ME

Have you ever experienced any mental health issues related to your gender identity? How did you deal with them?

Well, I came into university pre-transition and no one knew during first year. Around January or February of that year, my now ex-girlfriend just cut me off. From that relationship, I developed a lot of self-hate. She always blamed our relationship not working on my not being CIS, and her parents weren’t supportive. She was sort of like my only asylum, the only one feeding my fantasy. She wasn’t necessarily supportive, but she understood, and she liked me for who I was, as a masculine figure in her life. And she identifies as straight so it was difficult for her to understand why she was attracted to me.

We literally had a plan that I would tell my parents after I graduated and had a job so if they disowned me I would still have a job and I would still have her.

After she left, I had a period of two to three months where I was just the most depressed I had ever been.

I lost a ton of weight, couldn’t sleep—that’s when I started seeing a therapist and seriously considered transitioning. I realized that if she couldn’t help me, I’d have to help myself. Relying on someone else to feed your fantasy is no way to live. And that’s how it all started. The worst part mentally was when I was alone with just the fantasy in the months before I

actualized it and told people. I saw my therapist up until about a year ago.

What advice would you give to anyone questioning their gender identity?

I would tell them to envision the future and talk to them about what they truly want. Because a lot of the time you don’t realize how much you want it and you don’t actualize it. I thought that it was in the distant future, but then I was there. “The future is now,” I guess. I would also tell them how to find help if they need it. When I called CAPs, they were giving me numbers to call just in case my parents kicked me out. If you’re financially dependent, they have stuff to help you out. Especially if you live here—Toronto will keep you safe.

Do you think there’s ever a good time to come out?

It’s like the analogy of conductors. A lot of people ask the conductor when the best time to come in is. European conductors conduct half a beat ahead so they seem out of sync. The conductor will tell you to come in when you can’t bear not coming in anymore.

It’s kind of like coming out too. When do you know?

I’d say it’s when you literally can’t wait anymore. If you can wait, and you have good reason to, there’s nothing wrong with that. If you know what you want before puberty, you can go on hormone blockers and avoid going through puberty in the other sex.

But if you’ve already gone through puberty, it makes little difference whether you’re 17, 24, or older. All that matters is that you’re internally independent and that you feel you’re ready. Just know that if you know where you want to be, there’s always a way to get there.

I can remember asking my mother to buy me clothes and toys from the little boys’ section as a child because I felt out of place surrounded by delicate dolls and pink frills. I remember being made fun of in middle school because I would rather play football or rugby with the boys than play house with the girls.

I remember feeling isolated in high school because make up made me sneeze and high heels made me stumble. When I finally found a neutral ground in which to express myself, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could finally live my life outside of society’s narrow expectations. When my first sociology professor explained the socially constructed nature of gender to me, I felt like a limitless world had been revealed to me. I look back to the first time I told a friend that I didn’t want to ascribe to just one gender and she smiled and assured me of her undying support. I realized in that moment that there was more to humanity than conflict and animosity and hate.

As I walked home from lunch, I was filled with a newfound understanding of what it means to be growing up in a world expanding at a pace too fast for us to control. I was reminded of the complexities of the human experience and the issues that arise when we try to categorize how we feel. I found myself looking forward to building a world where we don’t have to define ourselves to coexist; in which we don’t judge each other based on what we see because we know that what is outside doesn’t define us.

I look forward to living in a world in which we all understand that there are galaxies swimming under the surface of every individual we meet, just waiting to be explored. As I walked home, I strengthened my resolve to support a world free of prejudice, bigotry and hate. I can see this world of empathy and acceptance in the eyes of my friends and loved ones, and I can’t wait to see it become a reality for us all.

10

12

ARTS & CULTURE

EDITORS | MOLLY KAY & ELENA SENECHAL-BECKER @STRANDPAPER

6 questions with Ann Pornel, the “glamazon” taking over Toronto’s comedy scene The comedian talks tells The Strand about her favourite performances, industry tips, and her time at Vic elena senechal-becker incoming editor-in-chief

Ann Pornel is part of Second City’s Mainstage company.

She is a graduate of the Second City Conservatory Programme, Musical Conservatory, Bob Curry Fellowship, and the University of Toronto! The Strand sat down with Ann to learn more about her.

The Strand: What was your first entry into comedy? When did you realize you wanted to be a comedian?

Ann Pornel: My first experience of doing live sketch comedy actually came at Vic. In my first year, a bunch of people living on my floor (5th floor MargAd, WHAT UP) were auditioning to be in The Bob, and invited me along. I wasn’t doing anything else, so I went with them, got in, and went on to do The Bob every year in my undergrad and directed it the last two years of my university career. Victoria College is singlehandedly responsible for getting me into comedy— so thanks, Vic! TS: What are your thoughts on the comedy “scene” in Toronto? Is it difficult to “make it” as a comedian?

AP: Compared to other cities like Chicago, the Toronto scene isn’t very big, especially in sketch and improv, but it’s certainly saturated with incredibly talented and funny people. Whether or not it’s hard to “make it” depends on your definition of “making it.” Going out, doing shows, hanging with cool people? Yeah, it’s definitely easy to make it. Getting paid and making money off it? Less easy to make it. But if you work long and hard enough, and you’re not a total dick to people, chances are you’ll find a couple of jobs here and there. If you have a fall back plan, you’ll probably quit after a few years because jobs don’t really make

themselves available to you. You have to create your own content, keep doing shows, get good at everything: writing, acting, improvising, producing, because you’re your own boss and no one’s gonna push you to do anything except for yourself. It’s a grind, but there’s more and more places to get stage time: Second City, Comedy Bar, Bad Dog, Social Capital. Also, the Toronto sketch and improv scene have some of the nicest, coolest, and supportive people around.

TS: What has been your favourite performance to date?

Can you tell us a bit about it?

AP: I have two favourite performances. The first one happened a few months ago at Second City when I found out Kevin Pillar, of the Toronto Blue Jays, was in the audience.

I was told five minutes before the show started and I immediately started crying and was hysterical until curtain. Did I have the show of my life because it was in front of one of the best centre fielders in the game? I don’t know, but we got to take a photo with him after the show and he was even hotter in real life than you’d think.

My second favourite was at Comedy Bar with The Sketchersons in our show, Sunday Night Live. Kevin McDonald, of Kids In the Hall, was the host, and, while I was with the troupe, I had a re-occurring sketch called “Wash Ya Ass,” and it was a talk show where the hosts tell people to “wash they ass” if they smelled bad and I got Canadian comedy legend Kevin McDonald to say the words “Wash ya ass”— huge highlight.

TS: Your website describes you as “Glam Pornel”: what is the significance of glamour to you?

AP: To me, being glamorous is just being super confident and owning who you are, because there’s nothing more glamorous than self-love. To be a comedian, you have to have a certain amount of ego because going on stage every single night and revealing yourself to your audience can be a very humbling experience. There will be some nights where they love you and everything you do and say is hilarious, but there are some nights where the audience just isn’t feeling your vibe or they straight up think you suck, for whatever reason. A healthy amount of confidence can pick you up on those types of nights, but also take you a peg down on those super hot nights too. I also think it’s important to be dressed better than your audience. I could weave a blanket that would cover the world with all the plaid shirts and dirty jeans I’ve seen in improv and sketch shows—do better, everyone.

Also, I have a huge problem with spending my money on clothes, makeup, nail polish, hair, and anything with glitter or jewels. Please send help.

TS: When can we catch your next show?

AP: You can catch me eight shows a week, every day except Monday, performing in “Everything Is Great Again” at the Second City!

TS: Do you have any sage advice for young artists/comedians/actors?

AP: Work twice as hard as you think you need to work and don’t be an asshole. Seriously, no one will want to work with you if you’re a selfish, lazy, dick.

The Strand reviews the Trinty Art Show charlène hanania staff writer

This year’s Trinity Art Show was organised by Elisa Natarelli and Eleanor Laffling, showcasing the ever-popular theme of minimalism. The co-curators displayed art through different media: photography, sculpture, even cards. The exhibition took place at Trinity, in Seely Hall. The Strand had the opportunity to interview one of the curators, Elisa Natarelli, who provided insight on the goals and challenges of the show.

Natarelli described her experience as positive and almost challenge-free: “We are lucky that there are so many incredibly talented artists on campus who are willing to work with us, so finding the artists never posed a challenge. The community has responded so well to us since day one, and we have always had support in the creation of this show. However, the campus art scene is still growing, and our biggest challenge is giving a voice as well as bringing justice to student artists and showing our U of T community the incredible work that their peers create.”

The curators also mentioned that their partnership stemmed from their previous experience at last year’s show: “Prior to the 2016 Trinity Art Show, neither of us had curated an art show before. Eleanor brought me on as her Assistant Curator last year, and we worked so well together that we teamed up again this year as Co-Curators to make the show even bigger and better.”

Appealing to the wide public that is the University of Toronto presents some difficulties, but the Trinity students saw this as an opportunity to reach out to different communities: “It’s a really wonderful experience to get to meet people I never would have met if I hadn’t been a part of the show.

We send the call for artists out to all three of the University of Toronto’s campuses, which really widens the network of people we get to work and engage with. It’s not an easy task, as we are still students, and the people we are working with

are still students.”

Elisa also expressed her thoughts on the importance of art at UofT: “I think art at UofT is important because it is an expression of free thought, one which may be overlooked.

We are constantly surrounded by art; our awareness of it depends on whether or not one chooses to see it. Our days at school are consumed with reading, writing, and lectures, and we often can’t find time for anything else. Art on campus is a reminder of the importance of self-expression at times when you could lose yourself in your studies. It is a reminder to do something for yourself.”

Lastly, we asked about the incentives for students to display their art at the show: “There are two great advantages to being a part of Trinity art show. The first being that many people attend the show, and when the artists are present, it allows for a dialogue between community and artist. The second being the sense of community, and getting to be a part of the art community not only at U of T, but in Toronto.

There is something magical about having a number of artists and their works in a room, all displaying very different art with different meaning.”

I attended the show on the Saturday, and unfortunately did not have the chance to experience the opening night the curators had carefully prepared. When entering the silent room on a gloomy Saturday, I was sorely disappointed. The show was missing music and life; the only thing I could really observe were white wooden placards. While the art displayed showed character and originality, the monotony of the placards did not bring forward their best angles. However, the continuing theme of minimalism was professionally displayed and promoted. Their social media strategy had a strong aesthetic vision and appropriate set up. But while the show was technically well done, it lacked in engaging content and originality. Their enthusiasm, unfortunately, did not

translate into the art. It seemed as though they had selected works based on what was in line with their vision, and not necessarily on the quality of submission. After having spoken with the curators and heard about their plans, I was surprised to find that my personal experience was so underwhelming.

Overall, this year’s art show was genuinely well constructed in theory, but could have been more deeply explored in practice.

photo

|

charlène hanania

EDITOR | JOSHUA KIM

FILM & MUSIC

THE STRAND |3 APRIL 2017

A beginner’s guide to Kawaii Metal

The definite playlist to blast as you walk out of your final exam

An introduction to what may be your next cardio workout music

joshua kim

elisa barbier the concordian

film

&

music editor

I don’t know about you, but it is always around this time of the year that I become quite tired of university. What’s keeping me going though is the thought of walking out of my last exam later this April, triumphantly leaving another year of school behind and entering a summer of well-deserved rest. I’m sure you’ve imagined this as well. Listed below is a playlist of songs to soundtrack that anticipated moment of cathartic release. Enjoy.

1.

2.

That’s What I Like (Remix) Bruno Mars x PARTYNEXTDOOR

Crew (feat. Brent Faiyaz, Shy Glizzy) Goldlink

3. Slide (feat. Frank Ocean, Migos) Calvin Harris

American Teen 4. Khalid

5.

A fresh wave of metal, known as Kawaii metal, began its musical journey seven years ago in Japan. This new subgenre of metal had no difficulty finding its own spot in the music world. Its style has brought something unseen to the metal scene—a uniqueness that gathers fans of varied metal genres and subgenres to mosh.

Kawaii metal is defined as a combination of Japanese pop, power metal and thrash metal. The power metal aesthetic in Kawaii metal brings an upbeat melody with clean, soft and usually highpitched vocals. The trash metal element, on the other hand, adds complex instrumentals and aggressiveness with deep vocals and screams. Both sub-genres fuse double-bass drumming and complex guitar riffs to form Kawaii metal. The final sound component of Kawaii metal is an energetic and unique melody which combines soft and deep vocals. This sub-genre differs from the male-dominated metal scene as it uniquely introduces feminine voices to the world of heavy rock.

Kawaii metal lyrics tend to differ from the typical, overly-covered topics in metal. The bands prefer to convey empowering and positive lyrics focusing on love rather than death, on life’s pleasure rather than pain, and on social problems rather than murder.

One aspect specific to this sub-genre is its mandatory Japanese aesthetic. Kawaii metal singers wear cute, girly school or maid uniforms during their performances. The band’s choice of attire helps the band members develop their stage characters, which makes Kawaii metal performances unique to each band.

One of the most well-known Kawaii metal groups is BABYMETAL. This band is composed of three singers and four musicians who are the centre of attention when it comes to Kawaii metal. When the group was formed in 2010, the lead singer— nicknamed Su-metal—was just 13 years old, and the two other singers, Moametal and Yuimetal, were only 11, according to news website Inverse.

The group developed a goth Lolita look with a concept centered on the uniqueness of their music.

This concept is based on the “entity” invented by the band, the Fox God. The Fox God is a spirit—nor human, nor animal. According to the band, the Fox God selected the girls of BABYMETAL to be part of the group because they had no prior knowledge of metal, making them perfect in the eyes of the Fox

God. As a rule held by the Fox God, BABYMETAL is never to reveal their future plans to the media or answer any questions regarding new projects—instead, in interviews, they simply say: “only the Fox God knows.” During the summer of 2014, BABYMETAL embarked on a world tour. This has helped Kawaii metal pierce through to the international music scene. Since 2014, the band has won 23 music awards.

Not all listeners accept this style of metal as innovative. In fact, some metal fans don’t consider the genre to be representative of the spirit of metal as it appears as a musical act or pop show. Some Kawaii metal groups, including BABYMETAL, have made it their goal to truly differentiate themselves from the pop music industry and instead represent the metal community as best as they can. Recently, BABYMETAL has had the honour of opening for Lady Gaga, Metallica, Guns ‘n’ Roses and, currently, Korn and the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ on both of their U.S. tours. BABYMETAL also wrote and played the song “Road of Resistance” with DragonForce, according to BABYMETAL’s website.

SOME METAL FANS DON’T CONSIDER THE GENRE TO BE REPRESENTATIVE OF THE SPIRIT OF METAL AS IT APPEARS AS A MUSICAL ACT OR POP SHOW BABYMETAL’s Japanese tones and exciting guitar riffs attract many curious listeners and Japanese bands to follow suit. Notable Kawaii metal groups at the moment are Doll Boxx, BAND-MAID and LadyBaby. To stay true to the Japanese-pop aspect of Kawaii metal, all of the abovementioned bands have a specific concept and theme to attract and develop a specific target audience. Kawaii metal is a great go-to genre to get your body moving if you’re looking for motivation to study, exercise or do chores. For those who wish to explore Kawaii metal further, Twitter is a good place to start, as you’ll find an active community sharing new groups and songs.

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Adore You (feat. Abhi Dijon) NAO

Pop Thieves 6. Childish Gambino Scared Money 7. NxWorries (Anderson .Paak, Knxwledge)

hart house jazz ensemble playing two nights FRIDAY, APRIL 7 9PM

and SUNDAY, APRIL 9 9PM

The Rex Hotel Jazz & Blues Bar 194 Queen St W

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EDITORS | ERIN CALHOUN & TANUJ ASHWIN KUMAR

NEWS & SCIENCE

A brief review of 2016’s major scientific leaps tanuj kumar science editor

As this volume of The Strand comes to an end, let’s recap some of the biggest scientific events in the tumultuous year of 2016.

GRAVITATIONAL WAVES Perhaps the biggest news out of physics in 2016, the Laser Interferometer Gravitational-Wave Observatory’s (LIGO for short) discovery of gravitational waves put to rest a 100-year old hypothesis from Einstein’s time and confirmed particular theories about the structure of space-time, and supplemented Einstein’s existing theory of general relativity. There were in fact two recorded measurements within close time spans of each other, but the initial LIGO measurement from the merging of two black holes is the most well known.

@STRANDPAPER

VUSAC 2017-2018 election results erin calhoun news editor

On March 26th, Chief Returning Officer, Taylor Cenac released the results of the VUSAC Spring 2017-2018 elections. Each position ran unopposed, and each candidate was elected to their preferred position on the council. The CRO counted all spoiled votes as “no votes” for all uncontested positions, but not on contested positions.

405 students voted in the election, representing 12% of the Victoria College population. For any election or referendum results to be considered valid, there must be a quorum of 15%. The current VUSAC council will have to vote on the suggested referendums by VicPride!, Victoria College Athletic Association, and VicXposure, and ratify the

THE ELECTED POSITIONS IN NUMBERS VUSAC PRESIDENT: ZAHAVAH KAY 73% for and 27% spoiled/against

PROXIMA CENTAURI’S POTENTIALLY HABITABLE PLANET

VICE-PRESIDENT EXTERNAL: KATIE COHEN 83% for and 17% spoiled/against

A startling next-door neighbour, and a welcomed source of jokes to act as a potential respite from the political mess that was late 2016, the discovery of Proxima Centauri B as lying within the habitable zone of the closest star to our Sun marked debates and discussion of what the planet might look like, how habitable it could be, and whether or not we could actually visit—or at least send robotic probes there—within our lifetimes. Above all, it showed that, ultimately, the amount of habitable worlds in our galaxy alone appears to be so numerous as to have one right next door to us.

VICE-PRESIDENT INTERNAL: ARTIMES GHAHREMANI 77% for and 23% spoiled/against

CARBON DIOXIDE STORED AS STONE The unique geological and geothermic conditions of Iceland allow it to be a hotbed of experimental energy-based efforts, the latest of which involve converting the carbon dioxide emitted as greenhouse gases from energy production into rock. Owed to the numerous geothermal electric plants dotting the country, the carbon dioxide is essentially pumped back into the earth after undergoing chemical conversions to carbonic acid, where the acidity leaches minerals from underground basalt, producing more rock, like limestone.

Iceland is great for this because 90% of its underground formations are basalt. However, there is more work to be done to further its potential and universality as a method to fight greenhouse gas emissions.

LONG-LIVED GLASS DISC STORAGE More of a slow process towards near-perfection rather than a discovery, scientists at the University of Southampton were successfully able to store up to 360 terabytes of data (much, much more than most commercial high-end laptops right now) on the nanostructures inscribed on small, quartz-glass discs that could resist high heat levels and stay unscathed for billions of years. These discs work by taking how conventional CD’s work, but to the next level, with bumpings that allow for “five dimensions” of light reflectivity instead of the CD’s two dimensions. Light reflectivity is important when lasers read the information encoded on discs, and so this is how these small little glass coins are able to store so much.

THE AMBER-ENCASED DINOSAUR TAIL Unexpected and revolutionary, scientists from the China University of Geosciences uncovered part of an entire baby dinosaur tail exquisitely preserved in amber—including bones, tissue, and feathers. The discovery came to the delight of many paleontologists who considered this definitive confirmation of many Cretaceous-era creatures bearing such feathers, particularly the sort of dinosaur from which this tail comes from (the coelurosaur, a general name that consists of everything from the Tyrannosaurus rex to modern birds).

Hopefully future iterations of Jurassic Park may move away from the chunky lizard depictions of the past.

VUSAC, Board of Regents, Victoria College Council, and Victoria University Senate election results.

The results were posted on VUSAC’s website and within the Facebook group, VUSAC Elections Forum 2016-2017, where candidates answered questions asked by students on their positions and courses of action. There are 436 members within the group.

For the upcoming year, VUSAC is hiring Staff Member positions: Chair, Chief Returning Officer, Communications Coordinator, Secretary, and Finance Chair. A resume and cover letter is requested to be submitted to vpi@vusac.ca by Friday April 14th.

ACADEMIC & PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT COMMISSIONER: ZOE RITCHIE 76% for and 24% spoiled/against ARTS AND CULTURE COMMISSIONER: BLÁNAID MCNALLY 77% for and 23% spoiled/against COMMUTER COMMISSIONER: GABRIEL CALDERON 80% for and 20% spoiled/against EQUITY COMMISSIONER: SHAILEE KORANNE 77% for and 23% spoiled/against SCARLET & GOLD COMMISSIONER: STEPHANIE SPAGNUOLO 81% for and 19% spoiled/against

BOARD OF REGENTS ISAAC KHOUZAM 21% ALEXA BREININGER 20% HANNAH BRENNEN 21% SHAILEE KORANNE 17% SPOILED 3%

VICTORIA COLLEGE COUNCIL HANNAH BRENNEN 44% GEORGE WILSON 40% SPOILED 16%

VICTORIA UNIVERSITY SENATE ZOE RITCHIE 38% KATIE COHEN 51% SPOILED 11%

REFERENDA VICPRIDE! PASSED 76% YES, 20% NO, 4% SPOILED VCAA NOT PASSED 55% NO, 38% YES, 7% SPOILED VICXPOSURE PASSED 54% YES, 39% NO, 7% SPOILED

NMC-CESI Food Festival: A Family Gathering vivian li contributor

On March 25th, 2017, the Near and Middle Eastern Civilizations—Cultural Exchange and Support Initiative, otherwise known as NMC-CESI, hosted the Syrian Food Festival in the Cat’s Eye. In the first half of the workshop, Rasha Elendari, NMCCESI’s Co-Founder, paired UofT volunteers with Syrian newcomers, where the former and the latter practised English and Arabic. Later on in the event, people ate, sang, and danced together as a Syrian band played for the participants.

“There’s a lot of support in the room, and the program helps promote cultural exchange,” Felipe Fajardo, Victoria College Representative for NMC-CESI, stated. “It’s important for people to get to know others who are commonly thought of as ‘in the opposite spectrum,’ we’re more similar to newcomers than we think.”

Fajardo is a fourth year undergraduate student at Vic. He has felt impacted by the Syrian crisis due to his Colombian roots. In attempts to raise awareness for the crisis, Fajardo wanted to start a program that addressed these issues, applied for scholarships, and found the NMC-CESI initiative.

The NMC-CESI was created by a group of graduate students at the Department of Near and Middle Eastern Civilizations at U of T as an educational and humanitarian

initiative.

In support of the organization’s weekend workshops with newcomers to Canada, the Student Projects Fund granted $5000 to NMC-CESI, and $1000 specifically to the Syrian Food Festival. Student Projects funds Victoria College students’ events directed towards UofT and Vic students. NMC-CESI has hosted fundraising events such as Singing for Syria in the Cat’s Eye during the Victoria College Syria Awareness Week, which took place between March 13th and March 18th.

When asked about the effects of the workshops for volunteers, Fajardo commented, “I think it’s especially powerful for students, because you meet people who have so much strength and resilience and are so grateful to be here. To be working with them is amazing.”

Fajardo also stated that the community gatherings are great opportunities for students to see how they can make a difference closer to home.

“Syrian newcomers have to endure completely a different language, climate, and culture,” Fajardo said. “It is important to focus our efforts and support on those who have already arrived.”

EDITOR | SHAILEE KORANNE

OPINIONS

THE STRAND | 3 APRIL 2017

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Is it wrong to have hope in Trump’s America?

His presidency is reigniting our interest in politics and democracy thomas trimble contributor

Woah, woah, did you read that headline and think I was a Trump supporter? Before this kicks off, I would like to admit that I am incredibly biased, certainly against Trump, but also against the American political establishment, of which there are no higher arbiters than the Clintons. In fact, the only American politician I feel deserves to be in Washington is our lord and savior, Bernard Sanders. Trump is, and will continue to be, a disaster for not only people in his own country, but disadvantaged people around the world. His election was essentially a culmination of all the problems in the American political system: 24-hour news, oblivious and uncaring politicians (looking at you, Hillary “What Rust Belt States?” Clinton), and a disengaged populace bombarded by constant political news. The hope I’m talking about is not coming from there, it’s coming from the backlash to it, the movement that Trump managed to ignite not on the right, but on the left.

The election of a fascist, elderly man-child is horrific, and I don’t wish to claim otherwise from my ivory tower of being a tall, white, Canadian man. The one single benefit of having Trump as President is that Republicans, this time, have gone too far. Instead of the slow creep to the right that has changed their political system to the point that Hillary Clinton is seen as liberal, the Republican Party

got too greedy and grabbed the most disgusting and disturbing President in the history of the country. This woke the people up. For the first time ever, the American people are deeply, honestly, and viscerally disgusted by their President, and it’s left them asking “how the FUCK has this happened?” That is the state at which they must be in in order to change a system as broken as the one seen in America.

The backlash against Democrats and Republicans in town halls recently is the best example of this resistance.

Thousands of people who did not care about politics this time a year ago are coming out to hold their representatives accountable, to the point where Marco Rubio cancelled a town hall with the excuse that he would be out of the country, when, in fact, he was seen in Miami at that same time. For the first time in decades, the career politicians on both sides of the aisle are scared of their constituents.

How is that not a fantastic thing? They are afraid of how involved the people are, and I would claim this would have never happened under Hillary, just as it didn’t happen under Obama as he repealed Habeas Corpus, made Bush’s tax cuts permanent, and killed civilians attending weddings on the other side of the world. It would not have happened under her because the “good guys” would have won, it would be another victory against bigots and the radi-

cal right. Imagine this: what would you do if tomorrow Trump declared it was now legal to hold anyone in prison indefinitely without charging them with a crime? Obama did exactly that by repealing Habeas Corpus, a cornerstone of liberal democracy. I’ll be willing to bet you didn’t even know he did it. That is my hypothesis in action.

Another example: who was Obama’s Secretary of Education? Housing and Urban Development? Energy? Now, who are Trump’s? Betsy De Vos, Ben Carson, and Rick Perry almost skip off the tongue because, people care. These Secretaries keep making the news because people want to see what they are doing. People across the world know more about the Executive Branch of the US government than they ever have. This one element of this administration does not outweigh the pain, death, and misery that accompanies the Trump presidency, nor is it my attempt to feverishly grasp at any silver lining I can find, but it is actually a measure of self-reflection on the part of the American people that should have happened 25 years ago, and has been a long time coming. In a system such as the US’s, the people are coming back in from the cold, and demanding all the seats at the table. It’s a return to grassroots, honest democracy, ironically enough spurred on by the election of a fascist. What could be more American than a contradiction like that?

I spoiled my ballot for the VUSAC Spring Election Resisting apathy in the face of an uncontested election ainsley doell editorial assistant

photo

During the VUSAC Town Hall on March 17th, a question was submitted to candidates through the VUSAC elections forum Facebook page by Victoria College student, William Cuddy that received a strong reaction from the small audience that had assembled there: “Given all of you (the candidates) are acclaimed, why should anyone in the VCU actually vote? Given the Vic bubble, spoil ballot/no won’t win, and if the vote doesn’t reach the threshold, it only requires the ratification of current council.”

The VUSAC 2017 spring election was the target of much scepticism, even after the conclusion of the voting period. There were less candidates running than there are positions to fill. “Why vote?” was a sentiment that I heard with alarming frequency over the course of the campaign, and one that I was guilty of sharing. It wasn’t until I began covering the election for The Strand that I realized just how wrong I was. I had to vote; it was my responsibility.

I could count the number of audience members at the Town Hall whose attendance was not mandatory on one hand. It was a room full of VUSAC members, their significant others, and levy heads. As a community, we are being accused of not caring, of not engaging with the student government. Not voting continues to reinforce

this idea, and allows VUSAC members to continue patting each other on the back for being the only people in the Vic community to rise to the challenge. Are we really so apathetic? To all those who did not participate in this election, I ask: what does not voting accomplish?

I spoiled my ballot in every category, with the exception of the Board of Regents. It was nothing personal, except that it was. It is simply unacceptable that so many positions were uncontested, or are left unfilled. I am not here to criticize any of the candidates; I commend them for stepping up to take on such large roles, for continuing to run campaigns even though they arguably don’t really have to, and for wanting to support our community— that is more than most of us are doing. But I am very unhappy about the state of our student government, and I mean to let them know.

If you, like me, are disenchanted with the entire process and want to hold our student government accountable, I hope that you joined me this election season in spoiling our ballots. Or, you know, maybe you supported the candidates. Many of them have great platforms, and will continue to be fantastic assets to our community.

Whether or not it directly affected the results of the elec-

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rosa kumar

tion is, frankly, irrelevant. We have reached a point where our student body and government are experiencing a severe disconnect, where neither side feels appreciated. We need to engage with our student government, and that starts with us letting them know that we care, one way or another.

If you chose not to vote, you chose to support the failing system. You allowed it to continue as-is, not holding the current body of government accountable for the undeniable ostracization of the students within the very community that they are supposedly representing. I’m not hear to argue whether or not the “Vic Bubble” is real, I am not saying that any resulting alienation is intentional in any way; all I am saying is that clearly it is happening, and clearly it is not working in anyone’s favour. We are all pointing fingers and not doing anything about it.

At the town hall, Zahavah Kay, the sole presidential candidate, concluded her response to Cuddy’s question by saying, “obviously being uncontested is not a great situation, but being apathetic isn’t a great situation either.” I completely agree with her, and I look forward to seeing what she has planned for the coming year.

AN INTERVIEW WITH ANN PORNEL

VICTORIA UNIVERSITY’S STUDENT NEWSPAPER VOLUME 59, ISSUE 12 | APRIL 3, 2017

The Vic alum and comedian sits down with The Strand

news VUSAC Election results

features Liberating gender 15

news NMC-CESI: Festival 15

science Science news in review for 2016

arts & culture Review: Trinity Art Show 10

opinions Why I spoiled my VUSAC election ballot

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opinions Having hope in the Trump era 15

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film & Music The perfect playlist for finishing exams

film & music Beginner's guide to kawaii metal

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