thesnore.blogspot.com February 2012
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Volume 3 Issue 7
V-DAY ‘12 “Who needs a fanbase when you have a new building?” - F*or-Ala Staff Writer “Good God, they’re back!” -F*or-Ala Puppetmaster
The views and opinions expressed in this satirical publication of The Snore are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the University of North Alabama, its administration, faculty, staff, students or any other organizations; we do not wish to be associated with such riff-raff anyway, besides the PoliticianZ, of course.
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V-Day Special
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Late for a date? 4 sensual hot spots in the Shoals Bro. Ztephen Colbert Let’s face it, it’s almost Valentine’s Day, and you still have no clue where to take your special lady. Between worrying about how to cure bad breath and stop your hands from sweating when you get nervous, you haven’t had time to worry about the actual date. We understand. That’s why we have taken precious time out of our oh-so-busy schedule to suggest a few locations. Who knows, if you’re lucky, you may just get laid at the end of the night.
Coon Dog Cemetery: A hallowed grounds for
locals, Coon Dog Cemetery has provided a resting place for hounds only. If your date’s not eating out of your hand after a picnic next to Willaford’s grave, you may want to consider shortening your leash.
UNA Women’s Center: Guys, for an equally
enjoyable experience, show your woman how much you care, and give her the UNA Women’s Center. Explore the struggle women faced fighting for equal pay, the right to vote, and Roe v Wade. Don’t forget to give her a Valentine’s basket of chocolates, contraceptives, and morning after pills.
Courtview Towers: Courtview Towers, Pine Street’s summit, offers a heavenly view of
downtown Florence and the food mart on the other side. You and your date can enjoy a rooftop candlelit dinner, that is, if you can get passed One-Tooth Winona, or frightened away by the two cop cars always out front.
Commemorate Helen Keller: Pick up your date, blindfold and place noise cancelling headphones on their head, and give them the tour of Tuscumbia. For the full effect, have them read poetry in brail. Make it a game between the two of you who can find what rhymes first.
5 brilliant ways to call off of your V-Day date
1
Bro. Ztephen Colbert
Tell the truth. “My mother stalked your Facebook profile and she doesn’t approve of you, your dumb statuses, or that you’re a Democrat.” The truth hurts, but it’s better to go ahead and rip the band-aid than to pull it slowly.
2
Hit ‘em with the “Too Much Too Soon” Rule. You could say, “I Love You!” Or start off with a flawed reason, then deliver the punch. “So you looked great in class today. I think you’re the one.” But don’t say it in person. Post it on their wall, or tweet it. You want everyone to see it so his or her friends can influence their decision to RUN.
3
Tell your date you’re doing research to write a top 5 on “How to Get Out of Your Valentine’s Date,” and hang up. When he/she calls back, don’t answer. They’re sure to get the picture. If they don’t, repeat steps until you determine a restraining order is necessary. THIS METHOD HAS
4
Just be weird. Text, call, and send pictures of your cat throughout the day. Talk a lot. Barely allow them to speak. If you’ve never seen their room or home, tell them how much you love it. When they ask how you know what it looks like, don’t respond.
5
Anyone can use the regular old excuse, “Hey uhhh, something came up,” but this time draw it out for entertainment. Tell them, “I was eating heart candy leftovers, and the first one said, ‘Get real,’ and the second one said, ‘Love a boy & a girl?’ It must have been a typo, but it really got me thinking, ‘Am I gay?’ I think it may be best that we call off our Valentine’s date and possibly pick it back up next Valentine’s Day… That is, if I’m not gay.”
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Campus News
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UNA safety officer heroics, halts crime not in progress Bro. Zocrates A routine patrol by a Segwaymounted public safety officer has netted three non-arrests after a crime not taking place was successfully brought to an end. Eye witnesses report that nothing whatsoever was happening, and that the officer on duty employed every bit of their training in swiftly resolving the situation. Ben Founts, student, was among those who witnessed the incredible, unattempted rescue of several non-victims. He reports: “There were me and a few other people kind of standing around the area by the library. That’s when the safety officer rode up on their Segway, looked around, and then slowly drove off. It was amazing. I mean, think about it. There were absolutely no crimes tak-
ing place and that one officer stopped all of them.” Christine Helton, adjunct professor, was also on hand. She adds: “I would say there were probably four, maybe five, non-victims in the area. We were all being held at the total mercy of no one, and then, at the height of our complete lack of fear, she came along and immediately non-arrested every one of the non-criminals. She wasn’t scared in the least; she didn’t even call for non-backup. Sometimes I worry about non-crimes happening right here on campus, maybe even to me. It’s reassuring to know that
somebody’s there to keep us safe from all the non-threats.” When contacted, officer Katie Logan humbly downplayed her heroism in the face of undanger: “It was routine, really. I was only doing what any of us would do. At public safety, we
UNA student “supposes” to his girlfriend, girlfriend says yes Bro. Zocrates Trent Howard, geography major, recently declared that he is: “pretty much in love, I guess. More or less.” After dating fellow student Sandra Williams for two years, four months and 19 days, Howard noted that the time had come to make an official stand on the seriousness of his feelings. Friends close to Howard provided further details on the momentous announcement. Steven Pickering, who has known Howard since childhood, confirmed: “Trent’s kind of in love at this point. I mean, he’s been dating Sandy for like, what, 10 months or something, and it’s safe to say that he’s pretty much in love, overall, with her. Maybe
it’s getting serious. But, you know, it’s up in the air to some degree, also. I think it is, anyway.” Ben Griffith, another longtime friend of Howard’s, further added: “Trent goes over to her house and stuff and sometimes she hangs out with us. I think that she keeps his spare car key in her purse, so I guess he’s probably in love with her, like, in a general way, you know?” Williams was overjoyed at the official confirmation of what she had, apparently, long suspected to be true. In response to the news of Howard’s statement, Williams explained: “Trent and I are soul mates. We do everything together. I was so excited to hear
about him making it official today. I told my mom and we’re going to spend the whole weekend making wedding plans. I’ve dreamed of this moment forever, but when I heard, it was even more amazing than I thought it would be.” The couple indicate that they intend to spend the next few weeks relatively quietly as they allow Howard’s remarks to settle over their friends and family.
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Campus Life
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UNA professors appalled at lack of clandestine sex on campus Bro. Zocrates A recent survey of UNA professors has revealed general consternation and disbelief over the increasing decline of students engaging in secretive sexual activities on campus. The faculty was unified in its frustration at what math professor Dr. Henry Ruse called: “A real mystery.” Donald Brady, art professor, adds: “It’s puzzling to us. Quickie sex in different places throughout the campus is the whole reason you go to college. We’re all concerned that our students are missing the point of the varied experiences that higher education allows.” There appears to be no consensus among instructors on the possible reasons for the inexplicable drop in “red-handed” incidents reported. According to faculty senate data, there has been a steady decrease in noted occurrences over the past 6 years. Professors were united in their calls for action and an ad-hoc committee has been organized with the goal of establishing a plan for the future encouragement of secret trysts on campus. Dr. Ryan Guffman, chemistry professor: “We’ve got to do something. I really think these kids are missing out on something very exciting. When I was in college, we did that stuff all the time. Sure you might get caught, but that was really the fun of it. I remember, in particular, the mass spec. lab was affectionately referred to as ‘The Hummer dealership’. It was open pretty much all the time. All the labs were. I leave my labs unattended on purpose, occasionally walking by every hour or so to add that necessary element of possibly being found out. In
three years, I haven’t come across even one couple. I try to tell myself that my students are just smarter than I was, but, Expert on college clandestine sex I teach ings altogether. He notes: “We these really need to take a long, hard kids and I know that’s frankly not true. They simply aren’t try- look at our policies on the accessibility of the buildings on caming.” A number of suggestions have pus. I don’t believe that students come forward on how to address are any less amorous than they the distressing trend. Dr. David were ten years ago. I think we just need to do a better job of Shubehausen, theatre professor allowing them to pursue the opsubmits: “We can’t sit around and blame the students. We have portunity that locations around campus, like the dark rooms, to look at the policies in place, as well as our own attitudes, and provide: crazy great sex.” Professors in the English detry to find anything that might partment were unanimous in be interfering with what has always been an important aspect agreeing that the Writing center isn’t left unattended often of higher learning.” enough. Says Dr. Janna Gott: Fellow theatre professor “We can do better. We must.” Charles Aimes states: “I have The faculty senate hopes that a been very disappointed to see preliminary plan will be ready Norton auditorium become a place where students are appar- for consideration by the April meeting. ently no longer willing to bang the ol’ drum. When I first started here, it wasn’t uncommon to report an incident several weeks in a row. Oh, we’d slap ‘em on the wrist, but we never truly punished anyone, of course. Now, I would guess it’s been two years since anyone’s had an orgasm in that green room. And that’s sad. It really is.” Dwayne Fides, photography instructor, has suggested keeping the dark rooms open later, or possibly doing away with clos-
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Life
Goober Sez!
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A word from UNA’s most famous alumnus, Goober Pyle (you know, the less famous Pyle… Gomer Pyle’s cousin). Last Valentine’s Day, I drove around Florence while my date hung her head out the winduh like my ole coon dog. She was hoopin and hollerin all night at people on the street. Come to think of it, she was only hollerin at wimmen wearin furs… Aww shucks, I think it was my coon dog! Here’s a piece for you single girls: If a guy tells you to ‘shake it like a wet dog,’ it’s best you hightail it outta town for a bit.
Darden, Inc. quid pro quo Bro. Zocrates
dissatisfied and complain that we are ‘soulless’ as they retrieve Terrence Otis, CEO of Darden their meager paychecks. We restaurants Inc., parent company of both the Olive Garden and Red Lob- really wanted to show Liberal Arts colleges, departments and ster chains, has recently announced a partnership with several liberal arts students that we appreciate the constant supply of personable, schools and departments throughcultured labor.” out the nation in an attempt to: A number of factors may “Give back to so many institutions contribute to the preponderwho have shown a continued and dedicated focus on providing us with ance of persons with liberal arts great employees, both in school and degrees employed with Darden Inc. Among these factors is the for many years after graduation.”. feeling that Olive Garden and Red The University of North Alabama will be among the first to receive the Lobster provide a nicer environment special scholarships. Otis went on to more suited to individuals with great say: “Having both a Red Lobster and student loan debt, but, whom also feel that they are too erudite to seek an Olive Garden presence here in employment in the fields of rapid Florence really provides us with the comestible disbursement or retail perfect opportunity to get involved goods procurement. in the education of our future servKelly Graham, a server at Olive ers, bartenders and shift managers. Garden insists: “It’s not like I’m It’s a great chance for us to instill loyalty in what we expect will be life- working at Wal-Mart. There is Italian sounding background music time employees for us. UNA’s camhere and we have these really nice pus population is highly comprised pepper grinders. When I put on my of the individuals we most often uniform, I know that I didn’t settle employ: namely, English, History, when I came to work here. It’s not Communications, Art and Theatre a ‘Burger Barn’; we have cursive students.” When it was pointed out that those menus and our menu folders are like students were almost certain to seek real leather. I can come to work and feel that my impressive knowledge of employment through his company post-Victorian feminist literature is regardless of any grants, Otis clarified: “We have seen almost exclusive- genuinely valued. I’m not just servly future, current and past liberal arts ing noodles at some noodle place; students employed at our restaurants I’m serving noodles with freshly ground pepper.” for many years, but they are often
Jacob Holley, shift manager at Red Lobster, adds: “Darden is obviously trying to make a difference for artists with these grants. I can’t tell you how many times over the past seventeen years I’ve told my General Managers that I’m out, once my book gets published or my pottery starts getting looks online. Without exception, they have been immensely supportive. I know that when I leave, it will be on good terms with a great employer.” Darden has pledged to initially offer three scholarships to any UNA liberal arts students with aspirations to: “Change the world, write a novel, perform historical research, make it on Broadway or, you know, really be something.” These scholarships are to begin in fall 2012. Darden Inc. has indicated there are no plans to reduce these offers at any time. For more information, please visit the office of the College of Arts and Sciences or apply through the UNA portal website.
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Feature
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Friday Night Fire: Step Sing Reviews 2012 Kappa Sigma: Wow, we were all shocked by your theme choice of cowboys. I’m sure Garth Brooks and George Strait would be proud. Can’t wait to see your riveting sequel to this year’s show titled, “Broke Back Cowboys.” We commend you; at least you don’t try to impress anyone with your performances.
Honors Program: Element 79...as were those mini-skirts. How about we meet up and you let us catalyze your isotopes? :)
Alpha Gamma Delta:
Glitter and screaming. What more could we ask from a sorority? Oh yeah, a break from the monotony of cliché themes. Try sexing your show up next year; it will make the screaming more bearable. Phi Gamma Delta: FIJI throws Hail Mary to One Guy who can sing! No matter how drunk and sloppy you are on stage, we will always enjoy your performances. You represent That Guy. So congratulations to One Guy, you performed with Those Guys. And by One Guy we mean the guy with the John-Mayer-sounding-voice, not the guy with the high, squeaky voice who joined him for the duet. Gay-Straight Alliance: “ Haus of Ga-gay.” Definitely this year’s Queens of Step Sing. “It doesn’t matter if you love Leo or Una, ‘cause baby you were born this way.” Not only are you gay, but you are into beastiality as well? If you were trying to cause fraternities or sororities to be uneasy when you let them know you would follow them until they loved you, I’m sure it worked (except for FIJI, of course). And for the last time, quit trying to hump Leo and Una!!
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Feature
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Friday Night Fire: Step Sing Reviews 2012 Zeta Tau Alpha: With a stellar rendition of “Ice Ice, Baby,” you made certain your championship hopes remained on “Ice Ice, Baby.” Delta Chi: Amazing vocals, stunning choreography and broadwayesque storytelling. The judges definitely got this one wrong… Phi Mu: We get it; you can dance.
Alpha Tau Omega: The boy toys of Sandusky. Seems appropriate you would want to go to Neverland where there are no girls.
Alpha Delta Pi: Little red riding hoes. We were actually cheering for the wolf this time. Pike and SAE: We enjoyed your performance of The Invisible Men. You always stay so relevant on campus, and we aren’t sure how you do it.
**Disclaimer: These reviews are the opinions of two shmammered PoliticianZ. Please send all negative feedback to florala@una.edu.**
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Sports
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Bowden zips off to Akron, pants follow Bro. Jack Nicholzen In case you were on Twitter after UNA football games, you saw the entire #UNA community in unity; everyone wanted Terry Bowden gone. When he signed a one-year contract extension, we all wondered how many “troubled” young men he would bring to our campus. We are very fortunate to still have the Flor-Ala Soothsayer on our payroll, and we had him read Terry’s mind during the video. Given our insider knowledge, and our own personal expertise, we will share our own thoughts about the video and his tenure at UNA. We want to know your own sentiments on Terry Bowden leaving. Tweet at us with the hashtag #TBdayz and we’ll print them in our next issue. The only thing zipping for Terry are his pants after a string of new Akron infidelities. Whatever mount Bowden used for his GoPro camera for that video, we want it. Is it just us, or is Bowden on the opposite Jonah Hill diet? Bowden is the only person to ever blaspheme the Jane Seymour Open Heart Collection for Kay Jewelers stating, “They look like adjacent asses.” There were warrants out for his arrest, and he was actually featured on the front page of “Hard Times” for failure to pay couch rent.
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Excluzive
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Student RSO seeks to eliminate racial inequality Bro. Jack Nicholzen A new student RSO, LANDO, is hoping to discontinue the trend of racial inequality in American pop culture. The group, founded less than two months ago, has already begun its campaign to blur racial boundaries.The group was formed by Caucasian student Jefferson Walker and Jonathan “Lingering Glance” Rochelle, whose family hails from the indigenous people. Walker got the idea while watching “Star Wars” and virtually every horror movie that was available for instant streaming on his Netflix account. “Have you ever noticed,” he asked. “The African American characters in horror movies are always the first to die? It’s like Hollywood seems to believe that those people have a ‘scared’ gene that causes them to instantaneously lose bowel function with fright.” The Snore had a chance to sit down with Walker and Rochelle recently for a quick Q & A session.
trays his friends. Only two cases in American history have black men been painted in worse light, the OJ Simpson trial and Disney’s “Song of the South.” The Snore: So, you mean to tell me that seeing Lando Calrissian in a classic piece of American cinema put you on this path? Walker: Absolutely, we felt that it was a pattern that has been established in American culture, not just in cinema. Rochelle: Right. We watched scary movies on Netflix the week of Halloween. We watched many classics and we kept noticing a pattern. Those of African American descent ALWAYS died first. Always. The Snore: What spurred the The Snore: Interesting. LANDO idea of forming LANDO? has only been an RSO for a few Walker: We were both hanging short weeks, but you guys have out at my apartment watching accomplished many things over “Star Wars: Return of the Jedi” that time. Tell us a little bit about when … that. We heard something about Rochelle: Please, let someone a court case? other than the white guy talk Walker: Yeah, there is a student (chuckles). We were watching at Kilby School that is currently the flick when we realized … under investigation. Lando is the only black man that The Snore: I’m a bit confused? we saw in the entire saga. Rochelle: What he means is Walker: What about Ackbar? that there is a current case open Rochell: Don’t be an ass, Jefferagainst a student at Kilby. son. Anyway, Lando is the only The Snore: I’m still confused. black man, and he’s portrayed in Rochelle: The student is a third the worst-case scenario. He’s a grader at Kilby School. On the cheating, lying, sneak that beplayground, he thought he could
get a few laughs by telling a joke. Unfortunately, the kid told the wrong joke. He said, “Me Chinese. Me pull joke. Me pour pee pee in your Coke.” We understand it may seem extreme, but if we don’t strike the fear of LANDO in the hearts of our children, they’ll grow up to be just like Charles Manson. Walker: All of them. The Snore: Let me get this straight. A little kid at Kilby School made a joke that was racist and is being sued? Walker: You’ve got it exactly right. If no one else will stand up, we will stand up proudly to fight racism. The Snore: So that must mean you’re also lobbying for more Caucasian people in Tyler Perry movies? Rochelle: No, I think we’re lobbying to simply put an end to Tyler Perry movies. Walker: Agreed.
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The Brotherhood
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“ Want to be a badass like me, flying kites in t-storms and all that jazz? There’s only one way, rush PoliticianZ.” Submit either a satirical article or a high-quality artistic illustration with satirical and humorous significance to thepoliticianz@gmail.com Submit the following along with your work: Name Classification Cumulative GPA
Rush SNORE by Feb 19, 2012, 3:33p.m. “If you snooze, you loze!”
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Life
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UNA and the half-budgeted building Bro. Zeverus Snape December 14, 2011. 11:23pm. The house of President Willy Billy Cale. A dark winter night blankets the warm, two-story home with crisp bites of wind and frost. Leo and Una snooze the night away on their imaginary African plains. They do not notice, nor do any of the sleeping students, the stark outline of a hobbled man making his way toward the President’s home. He finds the doorstep, and he is ushered in before he can knock. The meeting has begun. (The following is to be read in a British accent, for it makes it a much more interesting read.) Willy: For God’s sake Davey, I didn’t truly mean you to come “by way of candlelight.” That’s rather barbaric, to say the least. Davey: My apologies, sir. I bring news. The news. Willy: Very well. Let us consecrate the meeting with the ritual of the Lions. After looking around and ensuring there were no on-lookers, and that his wife had drank her daily allotment from the Sorcerer’s Stone, the two men removed the tailored cloaks they were wearing and brandished two thin pieces of wood: wands. The men then de-robed until they were bare-chested and stood facing each other in the lush foyer of the President’s home. With a flourish, Willy pointed his wand at the heart of Davey and spoke “cardius felinus.” Immediately, Davey mirrored the move and incantation. Upon Davey finishing, two streams of light emerged from the wands, connecting at the middle. Maintaining eye contact, the two wizards began an exotic dance, which contained large amounts of crawling on the floor, roaring with the valor of lions, and pouncing with all fours upon imaginary prey. After a swift mutter of “cardius felinus reducio” the ritual was ended. Willy: (Wiping sweat from his brow) You’ve still got it old boy. Now tell me of the building. Davey: It’s genius sir. The Florencegamot literally came up with it today. Do you remember when we first told the Muggle children of the soon-tobe-built commons building? Willy: Of course. Nearly two years ago. We told them it would be a
maximum of one year before we had the structure available for operation. Davey: Right, and we haven’t broken ground for the project to this day, agreeing not to deviate from our standard of grossly under-estimating completion dates. Well, the time for exaggerated delays is past. We now have a purpose for the building. Willy: Alas, Davey. The news I’ve waited two years to hear. You wouldn’t believe the number of Imperius charms I had to use to ensure a budget approval for a multi-million dollar, purposeless building. Convincing Dumbledore he didn’t want to see Potter’s basilisk may have been an easier task. Davey: It would appear, sir, but listen to the cleverness of the Florencegamot. Councilman Linderius, ever the clever one, came up with this plot. We conjoin the International Affairs and Criminal Justice Departments, adding a bookstore and student eateries. You see, it is designed to be the “long-term care center” for our Criminal Justice majors. The international students and bookstore will go there simply because I would enjoy hearing them say, “ Herro! Would you rike to have “Biorogy” or “Herth and Werrness book today?” Ahhh, think of it, sir. “Would you like pack of Skrittels with you’ll Brue Book?” Oh, the possibilities. Willy: Enough, Davey. I grow impatient with my old age. Davey: Right. Do you have any idea what our graduating student-to-job success rate was for the CJ department? I’ll tell you: -9.7 percent. How the hell do you go negative, you might ask? Twenty three of them re-enrolled in the department because it was easier than job hunting. It’s almost like they are the Muggle counterpart to wizarding Squibs. Hence, the eateries. Realistically, we train our Criminal Justice majors to do one thing: Listen mindlessly to orders. Thus, we shall very conveniently arrange employment opportunities for them at the impending Chick-Fil-A and Starbucks. Upon graduation, they shall simply be given positions at these businesses and then given a very lucrative offer, which they cannot
refuse. We are going to train them in the art of Occlumency. After proper training, we shall overcome the mind of He-Who-is-Feared-Most and bring him here, to work for us, crystal balls and all. Willy: But Davey, I have seen him shred the defenses of the most skilled opponents, and his own defenses are powerful beyond belief. The Angry Hat man was no match for him, either. It would be suicide for us to send such feeble-minded students after him! Davey: Agreed, sir. But criminal justice majors are about as useful as a wand in Filch’s hand. Willy: ...Very well. I must say, you have ambition, Davey. He-Who-isFeared-Most would indeed bring national acclaim to our school. He may be the only one to do it, unless we focus on academics, like those foolish Muggles wish us to. (Willy sighs and glances longingly at the staircase leading to his chambers.) Willy: Be gone with you. You have tarried too long as it is. After ending the meeting with a final roar and pounce, the men dressed and parted ways. The short, hobbled figure briskly walked from the President’s home to the beginning of Shelby Way. He paused by one of the concrete pillars and pulled high the collar of his cloak. He found his breath was hard to catch. The sheer audacity of his idea was causing his heart to hammer ever faster. The excitement was causing his fingers to tremble. Slowly, he pulled out his wand and whispered “Lumos.” With his other hand, he steadied his trembling fingers and fumbled for the picture of He-Who-is-Feared-Most. The man’s frown on his face was apparent; the leather skin weathered from a few too many days under the Miami sun. Oh, how he would look when we replaced that Alabama script “A” on his hat with the “U-N-A” he would come to love. He-Who-isFeared-Most would soon be theirs. The Criminal Justice majors finally had work to do.
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Fun!
Page 12
Which One’s Different?: Nicholas Sparks Edition Spot the difference in the pictures below.
A
B
C
D
Freshly deputized by his ol’ pal Andy, Goober joins the manhunt for former UNA coach, Terry Bowden. A reliable source told Goober that he spotted Terry hiding in a Occupy Akron protest. Help Goob spot Bowden before he gets away!