thesnore.blogspot.com October 2011
@The_Snore
Volume 2 Issue 5
All Hallows Eve 2011 A Snore nightmare
1, 2 ... Goober’s coming for you.
3, 4 ... pick up The Snore.
5, 6 ... they get snatched up quick.
7, 8 ... isn’t this great?!
9, 10 ... never read the F*or-A*a again
(pictured above) Goober, causing nightmares and interrupting wet dreams since UNA was FSTC.
“So open the Snore and see what’s in store. I see you shiver with antici…….. pation.”
@The_Snore
What We Think
Page 2
F*or-A*a intimidated by Snore’s presence on campus
This town ain’t big enough for the two of us? Here’s what we think. A few weeks ago the F*or-A*a penned a rebuttal to The Snore that made our eyes water more than stumbling upon our grandma’s Precious Moments collection. Here are our responses. First, we’d like to say that it’s great getting a shout out from you all. But, having your “Puppetmaster” sketch up a Martin Luther style thesis is a bit, well, unflattering. You would like for us to reveal ourselves, yet you tell us this in a “staff editorial.” For those unfamiliar with the media jargon, that means it comes from the collective staff and no one person is credited with authorship. Sounds very similar to anonymity to us. Or if you’re faculty adviser is pissed off enough, they’ll pen it, in an almost “Ben & Me” style fashion. It seems that your welcome letter was a bit of a compliment entwined with a cut down. It’s more or less like rubbing our noses in s*it and then handing us a towel to wipe it off with. You welcomed
us on campus, but only between clenched teeth as if we are the lice infested kid in your fourth grade class that your mom made you be friends with out of charity. We understand that the “Puppetmaster” was the one that guided or possibly even wrote the entire letter. We also wonder how much of the content at the F*or-A*a is guided by those very hands. Really, though, we know it’s just careful revisions of AP stories. As far as the bit where you critiqued our anonymity and style of writing; first, we are anonymous because we can be. It’s simply bad ass. Secondly, we feel that it might be in the best interest of “The F*or-A*a Editorial Board” to assess their own skills, as the mass opinion on cam-
pus is that the F*or-A*a is sub-par as far as news goes, but the perfect fodder for our publication. We must be doing something right, since you copied our online distribution format (Issuu). Please, let us provide the laughs on campus, we found your own attempt at satire very amusing. We’ll keep students entertained; you all just continue to compliment their chamomile tea and additional sleep aides. Zzzzzzzzzzzz. -Bro. Steven Zeagall P.S- My writing career has been a lie. I am not Steven Zeagall. I am actually Jack Nicholzen. From henceforth, and to appease the F*or-A*a, I will use my real name.
By The Picture: Original, F*or-A*a, and us The F*or-A*a recently tweeted, “While distributing papers, we found this by the GUC while the Greek Block Party was in progress. What do you think?” Well, here’s what we think ...
The original
Looks like a bunch of trash from careless students revolting against the green movement, or really slow janitorial staff.
The F*or-A*a
Greeks caught red-handed while littering our beautiful campus during drunken orgy.
The views and opinions expressed in this satirical publication of The Snore are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the University of North Alabama, its administration, faculty, staff, students or any other organizations; we do not wish to be associated with such riff-raff anyway, besides the PoliticianZ, of course.
The Snore
We see a ton of crumpled up F*or-A*a’s littering the ground via dissatisfied students (aka Snore fans/Politicianz Army).
“That’s a rather tender subject. Another slice, anyone?”
Facebook: The Snore
Campus VIP’z
Page 3
“It’s not easy having a good time! Even smiling makes my face ache!”
Econ professor’s head explodes when he realizes he’s govt employee By Honorary Brother Zengelbert Humptyback Florence, AL (UP) UNA economics professor Phillip Barbay is in stable condition after his head exploded early Thursday morning upon realizing that he is, in fact, a government employee. The incident occurred in Dr. Barbay’s 9:30 a.m. Macroeconomics course when, after a twenty minute rant against “public sector drones who suck the blood of the productive classes,” an English major inquired, “Aren’t you--a professor at a public, tax-supported university--a government employee?” According to eyewitnesses, Barbay froze, before suddenly lurching forward and sputtering something about Ayn Rand. “Before I knew it,” said junior Billybob Bamabangs, “there was gray matter all over the walls.” According to sophomore Brittney Breezewell, “I was like, you know, ‘Omigod. That is so gross.’ ” Reached for comment, fellow economics professor Bob Sacladouche replied, “FDR sucks.” Barbay is the author of a number of groundbreaking studies, including “Jesus Christ, I Hate the Government,” “Dude, Obama It looked similar to this ... Stole My Car,” and the best-selling “Going Galt for Idiots.”
Letter from student body prez: SGA’s importance After the initial rush to student mailboxes to see if refund checks were in, this letter from the student body president was sent out. Most of the copies were like the seeds that fell on rocky ground. For example, we found this one folded into a paper football. I know what you’re thinking, I have a mailbox? Yes, you do. And you should probably check it. Here is the letter so many of you took for granted.
Dear UNA Students, It is with great humility that I humble myself before you. I am proud to let you know that as your SGA President, I am hard at work for you. As president, I am charged to do those things you neither want nor care to do. I do things like go to meetings, where we talk about things. I also handle stuff. Mostly just very important stuff. I leave the “senators” to do the really dirty work. I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, do we really need SGA? What have they ever done for the students?” I can answer that question pretty easily. Yes, you need us. Heck, we need you just as much as you need us. Without you, who would our constituents be? Leo and Una? Last time I checked, they get to eat more than we do, so you know they don’t need anyone lobbying for them. Sometimes as I ponder late at night and ride that mechanical lion ride outside that extremely large cage of theirs, I wonder, “What is the meaning of life?” Specifically, “What is the meaning of SGA in the lives of students?” As I sway back and forth gently on that little lion ride, my mind transcends above the everyday shenanigans that we face, such as what will the theme of the next party be that we have at the next SGA meeting . I begin to think about how truly fortunate Leo and Una are. How can this 25-cent mechanical lion ride really pay for all of the luxuries those cute little lions have? It truly is a miracle. It’s like that story of the woman in the Holy Bible who never ran out of oil, except Leo and Una never run out of quarters. They have a money machine, which is better than a money tree. Trees die. But back to why I am writing you, SGA has been busy. We
are constantly writing bills and resolutions. Drafting and redrafting. Every Thursday. At that time that we meet. In that one GUC room. You should fill out an application online. Hit us up for real, dawg. I like to think of us as perfectionists in SGA. We are never satisfied with the bill or resolution at hand, so we often redraft legislation 5 or 6 times in a single meeting. Talk about hard work! Our meetings last up to 4 hours sometimes! And lots of times, we have forgotten why we originally drafted the legislation in the first place or what we were even talking about by the end of the discussion. Why do we do that? Because we care about the students, but mostly because we want to feel like we are accomplishing something by staying busy. After all, you remember that one time we did that one thing for you, don’t you? Oh, come on! I know you remember. You have to remember. It was legend. Nobody thought it could be done, but we did it. We really showed the university who the boss was that time. We had the biggest celebration after we did it. Oh well, I will admit, I found out the university administration was working toward that anyway. Naturally, when I heard that, I just put it on our list of goals. No work and all glory. We is so sneaky. Tehe. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that we are here for you. We’ve got your back. I like to think of ourselves as a family of lions. A pride, if you will. We, in SGA, are Proud Lionbackers. See what I did there? So if you take nothing else from this message, remember this. SGA is looking out for you! Mostly just looking, not really doing. Roar Lions, YOUR Student Body President
@The_Snore
Greek Life
Page 4
Delta Chi Wet ‘N Wild: A spiritual renewal Bro. Zeverus Snape “Knick knack paddy whack, give a dog a bone. We don’t need alcohol, we just need FOAM!” Until recently, this chant could be heard escaping the windows of the Delta Chi fraternity house every hour, on the hour. However, the winds of change are blowing. In a stunning move, which could only be logical for the immense shock-value of the act, the Delta Chi fraternity has abandoned its “dry” status. We at the Snore were just as confused as you are now. Delta Chi, the Warcraft playing, awkward dancing, kickball loving fraternity was going...wet?! Fortunately, we at the Snore were able to snag a statement from a brother within the fraternity. Choosing to remain anonymous, the gentleman decided to adopt the pseudo name “Mark Zuckerburg,” the brother’s self-professed man crush. Zuckerburg immediately got to the heart of the matter. “Listen, I don’t have much time. We’re starting ‘Legends of the Hidden Temple’ reruns at 6:30, and the
guys will know something is up if I miss. The decision to go ‘wet’ was a no brainer. Everyone knows we have a terrible time with girls. It’s so frustrating to bake them cookies and see the same cookies uneaten three days later. We used Splenda for Christ’s sakes! What more do they want? Sorry, sir. I get worked up. Anyway, we heard a bunch of the other fraternities
talking about how easily they could get girls wet, so we decided to get wet too! Suck my tots Napoleon! Told you it made sense. The foam always gets their clothes kinda damp, but we plan on dumping Smirnoff Ice all over the girls at our next party. Wait ‘till we tell those dumb ass frat guys how we can get our girls wet too!” After Zuckerburg sprinted away into the still of the night with a roar of “Delta Chi foreverrrrr,” my fellow Snore brothers and I held an emergency meeting. We bought six packs of Smirnoff Ice and left them as a peace offering on the porch of the Delta Chi house. As we drove away, sipping our Jack Daniels and Jim Beam, we heard Zuckerburg himself scream, “Hot damn boys! Get in here quick! The first one in gets wet from the man himself!” Here’s to you Mr. Zuckerburg. Here’s to you.
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Life Goober Sez!
Fb: The Snore
Page 5
A word from UNA’s most famous alumnus, Goober Pyle (you know, the less famous Pyle… Gomer Pyle’s cousin). “Remember that time Opie hid that walkie-talkie underneath that dog’s collar so I would think it spoke English? Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who thought it could really speak English. I heard that dog went to every fraternity house during rush trying to get a bid, thankfully one not only took him but elected him president the same night.” (Veiled TKE joke?)
Goober (above)-- We imagine that his arms are as long as George Jetson’s.
“I done got me a theater named after my alter ego. I sure do hope it ain’t haunted and it plays all my coloredpicture episodes and they sell snacks during plays and it’s not too dark – ain’t nothin’ worse than a theater that’s too dark. Think they’ll play that Cary Grant picture? Oh, Judy, Judy, Judy, Judy, Judy. If not, I sure am gonna be upset. Looks like we done hit the big time. I can’t wait to tell Gome!”
5 reasons NOT to go Greek
We’ve all heard the phrase at some time on campus, “Hey, dude, you should rush,” or, “Hey, girl, you should go Greek.” Do these “Greeks” have any idea what it means to be Greek (other than worshipping the fertility gods and practicing rousing homosexuality)? Here’s The Snore’s top 5 reasons that you wouldn’t want to be considered a “Greek.”
1
Greek for “tastes like s*it”
3
4
Their yogurt tastes like sour cream.
5
The GDP isn’t looking too hot right now. In- Ladies will expect you to be tall, handsome, and have a sexy accent. vest in gold today! Men don’t meet expectations as it is.
2
The other white meat.
Ever heard of the ancient Titans? Pretty sure they ate their children. We have TKE now! There’s no need to go Greek!
@The_Snore
Halloween Special
Page 6
Mel Gibzen presents:
Sinister Cinema Black Box
Hankin’ for a Double Down Sandwich, Anson McMurtrey, decides to stop by KFC on the way home from class. His quest for a succulent treat, however, transforms into a demonic celebration of pain when a shortcut leads him down Irving Street. As Anson approaches the intersection of Irving and Pine, an extra dimensional gateway opens, releasing four sadomasochistic demons, named the Theanobites. The Theanobites explain to Anson that since he roused them from their sleep by driving down Irving, he must return to their dimension, known as Lemarchand’s Black Box, and provide them sexually perverse favors for all eternity. Before he can even respond, hooked chains seize poor Anson’s skin and jerk him off to the Black Box, where he will endure an eternity of pain and torture.
unA dot Angel learning dot coM
“Good God A’mighty,” muttered Detective Reginald ValJohnston as he stared down at the newest addition of UNA’s recently deceased. ValJohnston had joined the campus police back in ‘85, but never in his 26 years of experience has he taken on a case like this one. Six victims had been found within a three month period, all sharing the same cause of death. The newest victim had been found on the 2nd floor of Collier library, slumped against the door of the Goober exhibit− literally scared to death. After seizing a few things from the crime scene, including the victim’s laptop, ValJohnston returned to his office to continue the arduous task of connecting the murders. While sniffing around for clues, he makes a startling discovery on the “vic’s” computer. According to the web browser’s history, the victim had visited the website una.angellearning.com, minutes before he died. Upon looking at the site himself, ValJohnston is immediately subjected to the extreme torture of browser incompatibility and page deactivations. Unable to bear the stress, his heart fails and he dies in the glow of the monitor.
Gag Me to Hell
Kristen, a young Finance student, literally bites off more than she can chew when she decides to “dine and dash” in the university food court. A devilish grin creeps across her face as she sneaks a Simply to Go Fruit and Granola Yogurt cup past one of the unsuspecting “Blue Hairs” of the GUC checkout lane. “What a bat!” she snickers quietly to herself, “That old bag never saw it coming”. Little does young Kiristen know, the UNA Dining Services is protected by an ancient Choctaw curse that was placed long before the white man came with his diseases and fancy clothes. Before she can comprehend her folly, Sodexo, the dark spirit of tasteless, overpriced food options, is loosed to claim the content of Kristen’s bowels− one hole or the other.
Fb: The Snore
Halloween Special
Page 7 Campus of About 5 Parking Spaces
College freshman, Stacey Keebler, is quite giddy about her first day at the University of North Alabama. That sweet feeling of adulthood and freedom rose to an all-time high as she finishes primping herself for class. Satisfied with the way her “Norts” displayed her ass cheeks, she reaches for her fully stocked The North Face backpack and scurries off to her 11 o’clock class. She realizes, with horror, her fatal miscalculation as her Nissan X-tera pulls into a campus parking lot at 10:45. “Dammit!” she cries as she drives from lot to lot in search of a place to park her car. Suddenly, through a flood of tears, she spies an open parking space. Letting excitement cloud her judgment, she doesn’t even notice the green lines that she is pulling into. “I’m one lucky duck,” she proudly proclaims as she hits her door lock button and heads to class. Her luck, however, quickly runs out as a god-awful sound pierces the air. “SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE,” she spins around, horrified beyond belief. She barely has enough time to scream as the Rider on the Black Segway snatches he hair and casts her into the outer darkness ,where there is only weeping and gnashing of teeth.
GUC Lion’s Den
Content and photo art: Bro. Mel Gibzen
Frightened and alone, Andy Whorehol is unable to recall just how he ended up in this horrifying situation. He remembers his biology test and the intense study session in the Student Resource Center, but after that, nothing. He awakens to find himself in a strange room, bound in some hellish contraption. There is a dull, throbbing pain coming from his hind parts as if some foreign object has entered him. “Heeeeelllllppp!!!” he vainly screams, “Heeeeeeeelllllppppp!!” Suddenly, the darkness peels back and the room is flooded with a sick blue glow. “I want to play a game,” a mysterious voice beckons to him. He looks toward the light and sees what appears to be a puppet sitting in front of an LCD T.V. He quickly scans the room, hoping this new light would offer clues to his whereabouts. He couldn’t quite make out where he was, but his surroundings looked somewhat familiar. Before he could reach a conclusion, the puppet broke his train of thought. “You have a pool cue up your ass and it’s rigged to take a shot,” the puppet explained. “In front of you is a wireless controller for a PS3; this is your ticket to freedom. Beat me at NCAA 2012 and you are free to go.” Oh! I almost forgot, I’m Alabama and you’re Memphis,” the puppet snickered. Andy’s cheeks clenched as he picked up the controller and began to play. Suddenly, he realized where he was. “My tuition money at work,” he sobbed.
“And that is how I discovered the secret. That elusive ingredient, that... spark that is the breath of life... yes I have that knowledge! I hold the key to life... ITSELF!”
@The_Snore
Excluzive
Page 8
Campus newspaper hires soothsayer to fortell students’ suggestions
By Bro. Zigmund Freud Throughout the past summer, the Flor-Ala has been hard at work trying to create a paper that truly benefits the students. In order to create a more inspiring newspaper, the Flor-Ala staff has been focusing on reorganizing the entire Publication and Media Students (PMS) staff. When asked about the reform, the Chief Editor, R.J. Reynolds stated, “The paper has gone through a lot of restructuring this year. We really wanted to take more of a ‘holier-than-thou’ approach, and in order to do that, we thought it would be best if we consorted with the higher beings. We want to make it seem like are interested in the student body… but not really. What better way to do that than to pretend you nerland cried, “They not only put more stories and finding the exact 20 articles have employed an oracle to than one story on the front page, but they that fit best in the paper each week, conspeak to the gods?” now use smaller font in order to fit more tinues his stance of supporting the camThe editors agreed not only to take AP stories in each edition! Quite simply, pus rag’s decision. a pay cut in order to add an oracle, or Morris further prolonged the interview soothsayer, to the staff but also to convert it’s an outrage!” Tinnerland went on to say, “However, by uttering, “Shoot, I know we are supan office into a bedroom for the sooththanks to The Snore, we now have funny. posed to be talking about the Flor-Ala sayer in the building where PMS is located. After searching long and hard, the I got so sick of the same old ‘jokes’ every becoming more of what the students week in the Flor-Ala. The last straw for need, but I just want to let you know that staff conclusively agreed on hiring one me was when they made that joke about it’s hard to fill that paper with AP stories of the most well-known and reputable the seagull flying over the sea but if it every week. Will you make sure you put soothsayers in the world, Yi Wu. Wu, a flew over the bay, it’d be called a bagel. I that quote in there?” [Editor’s Note: I Chinese street fortune-teller, who rose just couldn’t take it anymore.” did.] to stardom in the mid-1990s exclaimed, Despite the new layout and writing The advisor to PMS summed up the “Oh, yes! I ruv Fror-Rara staff. They entire organization’s viewpoint in a “staff geev me prace to sreep, frood and a rittle style, there have been alarming rates of cancellations of subscriptions this semes- editorial” which sassily stated, “I don’t bit of monies. I terr dem whatever dey ter. Some even prefer their subscriptions think it’s an issue of what the students rike.” *** to Coffee News over the Flor-Ala now. want, but what they need. We have conOthers staffers were mystified by the “Unless something changes quickly, sorted with the mediums and spoken to move. Some writers thought the legendI am just gonna keep reading my Cofthe spirits, so the decision is final. We ary Ms. Cleo would be selected as the fee News every Thursday, instead of the are just plain smarter than the students. “Gateway to the gods,” but it is a widely The gods give us guidance, so students known fact that she is a fraud. One Flor- Flor-Ala,” said the President formerly known as William G. Cale, Jr., who is can either shape up or ship out. And Ala staff member stated, “We wanted now known endearingly to faculty, staff that’s that!” someone of less notoriety. If we chose As of press time, 666 subscriptions to Ms. Cleo as the official mystic of the Flor- and students as PreZ Billy G. In response to the outcry, Phillipe the Flor-Ala had been cancelled, and the Ala, people would know we were going number was quickly rising. Stay tuned to try to dupe them. With Mr. Wu, they Morris, the editor of the news section, had this to say, “I think it’s obvious that for further coverage. don’t know we be lyin’.” we know the students’ needs. Have you In related news… The Flor-Ala asks, After consorting with Mr. Wu, who “If you see a witch on campus, will spoke to the ‘higher beings,’ the staff de- ever consorted with the oracle at Delphi as we have? I didn’t think so.” Morris, you please let us know? We have been cided to go against popular opinion and whose primary responsibility is screening searching for weeks!” make a change to the campus paper. A ZING! junior communications major, Paul Tin- the hundreds of Associated Press (AP) *** Upon reading the quote from Mr. Wu, PreZ Billy G reprimanded The Snore for not only insulting the Chinese but also inciting racism and promoting xenophobia. The Snore has this to say in response, “Listen, broseph. We at The Snore only transcribe quotes as we hear them. Brother Mark Twain wrote using colloquial. Why can’t we?”
thesnore.blogspot.com
Sports
Page 9
Bone Crusher to headline basketball teams’ fundraiser -Bro. Jack Nicholzen (the writer formerly known as Steven Zeagall)
Move over Matisyahu, your time at UNA is over faster than Tony Romo’s chances of winning in the 4th quarter. Looks like there will be a second big name artist coming to UNA this semester. With UNA basketball steadily approaching, and both men’s and women’s basketball teams already practicing, the teams have decided to host a fundraiser. It’s no secret that both coaches are, for lack of a better word, more excited than a paraplegic doing jazz hands for the first time. The Snore is proud to announce that Bone Crusher will be making a motivational speech for the student body. “We couldn’t be more pumped up,” said assistant men’s basketball coach Todd Reminiski. “He had a direct correlation of success with our own basketball coaches.” Both head coaches were unable to comment; they were both hard at work “liking” Seriously, this was his headshot. the current regime, with no national championevery positive post on UNA’s D1 facebook page. ships. When we dug up stats for the women’s After a brief pause, our Snore pledge reporter, team, under the same scenario, all we could Ztephen Colbert, was a bit baffled. After scourfind was a record of how many people showed ing through hours of records, we did discover up and stayed for an entire game, 37, and no the similarity in the coaches’ records and Bone national championships, either. Crusher’s own records. Bone Crusher’s “Never Scared” was the AtlanThe men’s basketball team is 130-106, under ta Braves theme song in 2003 and was featured
in Madden 2004. His single soared up the US Billboard Hot 100 to position number 11. Since, he has fell into obscurity with the likes of David Banner and Young Joc. We took the data to Jeff Cornelious in the marketing and research department., who looked a hell of a lot like Rick Moranis. “The only correlation we could make was that neither coach should be scared of what D-1 might bring,” he said. “We were a bit confused by the findings. Is it exciting to know you’ve had nominal success in Division II, and now it gives you chills to think you’ll be a big D-1 school’s prison rape victim?” Fortunately, Bone Crusher was available for comment. “We realized what UNA needed,” he said. “They can’t be scared of getting pounded like Rhianna the next time she sees Chris Brown. We wanted the coaches to have hope. My music is to the hope of your school what Metta World Peace is to basketball.” “You guys haven’t had much success in a division that isn’t top tier. I haven’t had much success in the mainstream music world. UNA basketball is Bone Crusher. Bone Crusher is UNA basketball. We. Ain’t. Never. Scared.” Bone Crusher will be performing and speaking at the end of the month, fittingly, October 31 at Flower’s Hall.
UNA footballers accused of “face taint” at trunk or treat -Bro. Jack Nicholzen (the writer formerly known as Steven Zeagall) The behavior of the UNA football team reached an all-time low this past week, as three UNA football players were arrested on allegations of a “face taint” booth at a local Methodist Church’s trunk or treat. The church usually hosts the event to offer fun and games for the children of parents that usually ban other Halloween activities and popular black magic book series, “Harry Potter.” The members of the church fill their trunks with candy and the kids go HAM from there. However, this year, the church felt that three volunteer UNA athletes took the rear end part of the car thing literally. “Colton was having a great time,” said Janice Smith, mother of an eight-year-old face taint victim. “All of the sudden, he came to me, balling his eyes out. Then, I found out what happened.” Face taint, as the players called it, is usually referred to as a Chinese sit up, but these athletes renamed it to fit in a bit more with the Halloween theme. “We honestly thought it was going to get us a quick laugh,” said Jammorris Ells, UNA strong safety and vibrant face tainter. “It happened to me when I was a kid. These sheltered little pricks needed to feel hazed for once in their life. It’ll only get worse when they join PIKE in college.” The three athletes had a booth set up just outside of the trunk ‘r treat. When children asked what the game was, the players dared them to do a sit up blindfolded. The events that came next are graphic in nature, so we’ll let you Google it. The Lions starting quarterback, and
They were lucky they didn’t attend the drunken sharpie afterparty. avid Andy Milonakis fan, came up with the idea. “Andy Milonakis used to say, ‘I’ve got Bruce Lees on my head, but don’t call me a Leehead,” Curtis James said, the leader of the Lions offense. “So I got the idea to turn these kids into ass heads. (ha!) Yeah, their parents didn’t laugh either.” Smith and other concerned parents quickly called campus police. Shortly thereafter, the entire coaching staff showed up with several eyewitnesses on-hand denying the entire event. The police had a good chuckle, and zipped off texting away on their Segways (since there are no
laws against texting while Segwaying). The parents were outraged over, what they believed to be, a possible cover up. UNA Campus Police Officer Jeff Mize said, “Look, the coaches had at least six eye witnesses. Those parents are obviously fanatics. We saw the brown noses, but we knew their kids all made A’s on their math tests earlier that day. The evidence outweighed the hasty claims.” Although no player denied the face taint allegations, the police allowed the athletes to leave the scene, and offered no explanation to the parents or anyone else.
@The_Snore
The Brotherhood
Page 10
Giving the pledges a shout out (and a break from getting hazed)
PLEDGE COLBERT: Publicly redefining “FML”
My experiences as a pledge here at The Snore have been more than pleasant. The first thing they told me was that when the hazing process was all over, Ztephen Colbert would be a household name and trending topic of conversation. Oh boy, was I excited. Sitting in anticipation night after night, and thinking of possible twitter names, I awaited the brother’s instruction with the patience of a full grown Lorena Bobbit. Knock Knock, I heard. Frantically, I ran to the front door of my 900 square foot apartment. Usually I skip, but this time the Lorena Bobbit in me was equipped, knife in hand, and with lumber jack vigor, metaphorically speaking. I opened the door and saw a knife stuck into the door’s exterior with a cylindrical object dangling from it. Upon removing my spectacles and squinting, I immediately realized it was a rolled-up piece of paper. Slamming the door and oh so giggly excited, I ran straight to my ottoman, unrolled the paper, and began to read. It read, “Ztephen, be at the Romeo and Juliet site on campus at 6am tomorrow and bring this list of trendy comforts: a Znuggie, a Zhake weight, and a ZhamWow.” Since I already owned all of these, I didn’t have much to prepare. I mean, who can turn down a boxed set of these three items on QVC? Not this guy’s mom. Or was it me? Well that’s besides the point. Is your Snuggie purple and gold? Is your ShakeWeight bedazzled? Does your ShamWow look like a lion’s mane when you put it around
your neck? I know, that’s what i said too. No one in their right mind would turn such a grand opportunity down. It was 6 a.m. I had arrived on time looking as if Leo went as Gandolf for halloween. With the shakeweight in my sword hand, and the shamwow in my wand hand(shoutout to Zeverus Snape, whoop whoop!!), I saw what appeared to be another dangling object hanging from Ro-
meo’s proffessingly-stanced pelvis. I kneeled to the ground to get a closer look and upon squinting, again, it was another note. I unfolded the note and read it, enthused of what was to come. It read, “Ztephen, you must publicly display your loyalty to the brothers. Kneel and be knighted, and stare into Romeo’s eyes, and you, Ztephen Colbert, Zhakeweight until it either loses its wobble, or Romeo’s head starts to bobble. If there’s a mess, clean it, then profess from ya chest.” Immediately an excitement came over me that i had never felt before. Rising from my kneel, I froze a Jersey Shore-esque fist pump in the air. In that moment I realized a new day had dawned for me. I was closing my chapter of running the unofficial Harry Potter fansite averaging 184 views per month, and opening a new chapter with the The Snore. In that moment of clarity, I knew exactly what I had to do. I turned to Romeo and paused, knowing i was about to embark into uncharted manto-erected-fictional-character-monument territory. With light radiating from under my feet, I then looked back with a temptress’s glare to taunt Juliet, and said “Romeo, Romeo, here comes the next writer for the The Snore Romeo.” And now here I am: hopeful brother to The Snore, American patriot, and no ‘statue’ of limitations. -PLEDGE ZTEPHEN COLBERT
PLEDGE ZOCRATES: From Russia With Love In 17 hours, I will be Sergi Rusmanov’s new bride. When I arrived for initiation into The Snore, I was gruffly met by a tall man in a purple velvet suit and told to put on a faded wedding dress and shave my face like I meant it. This I did with grave solemnity, in keeping with the general mood of the proceedings. Well, it turns out I wasn’t getting hazed at all. Mel Gibzen, I soon discovered, needed some money for video games and cheddar cheese fries several months ago and decided his only option was to post online that he was in possession of: “A fine woman who will cleaning much for you and is too great for the making of the sexy time! $500 US Dollars.” on an internet advertisement which was seen by the very Rusmanov I have mentioned. The money was wired immediately, and, I am told, many used video games were purchased and the cheese fries flowed freely for many days thereafter. Some months later, Sergi (I think I can call my husband by his first name) informed Herr Gibzen that he was tired of waiting for his bride and that he would take the matter into his own hands very soon. So, Mel Gibzen formed another plan. When I mentioned that I would be interested in writing for The Snore, I was surprised to be so eagerly accepted without even having to submit any work. I see why, now. I was told that I wasn’t al-
lowed to inform my parents or girlfriend of my disappearance. I was told that this was all: “part of the initiation” and that I was: “Totally doing us a solid.” A part of me really wants to call this off and leave the whole thing in Gibzen’s lap. I mean, how am I ever going to be: “Too great for the making of the sexy time?” He’s going to be disappointed when he finds out that I’m not exactly womanly, I bet. But, I really want to write for this paper and I sure did feel guilty when everyone pointed out what a nonteam player I was being by not marrying this Russian guy. Am I a serious staff member or am I just after the enormous glory and fortune that writing for The Snore will no doubt bring me? No; I am dedicated to my writing. That’s why I’m on this bi-plane preparing to be the best wife that I can be. I’ve started to grow my hair out. I want the
brothers to know that I understand how serious this is. They’ve trusted me; they even gave me a granola bar for the one-way trip. Man, what a great buncha guys! I’m lucky to have them as my friends and mentors. I am so glad to have been accepted and given such an important assignment right away! Thanks, Politicianz! I have only one regret: I wish I hadn’t eaten that granola bar right away… getting hungry. -PLEDGE ZOCRATES
Life
Fb: The Snore
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True campus ghost stories: The Haint of Bibb Graves AS TOLD BY: BRO. MEL GIBZEN
HE ONLY GOOD GHOST STORY IS A TRUE ONE,” my grandfather said as he exhaled cigarette smoke into the humid, Alabama air. I felt like a child again as I sat on the porch steps, watching my frail grandfather take a drag off his smoke. “I suppose if I’m to tell ya a ghost story, it oughta be true,” he said. “It was February, 1951. I remember it was colder than two tits in a brass bra outside and we were in the Duke’s ol’ Ford warmin’ our innards with a pint of Whiskey. It was me and Herb Taylor in the backseat while Duke Anderson and Tim Flippo, who we nicknamed Cooter, were up front. Well, we was a drinkin’ and carryin’ on, when outta the blue Duke says, ‘Why don’t we mosey up to ol’ Bibb Graves and see if we can’t catch us a haint.’ Now, we was all juniors at the university, it was called Florence State College back then, so we knew what Duke was talkin’ bout.” “Durin’ the 30’s, some ol’ b*tch died up in the attic of Bibb Graves Hall. Nobody knew for sure who she was; they just found her crumped up in the corner of the attic, dead. Legend has it, that a few frat guys held their initiation ceremony up there one night. Things were goin’ as planned, til the ol’ ghost showed up and gave ‘em quite a scare. Two of ‘em died, if I remembered c’rectly. The ones that managed to make it down the ladder were never the same again. Few of ‘em got put in an asylum, I believe. “Well, none of us really wanted to go, but Duke kept eggin’ us on, callin’ us p*ssies n’ such, til’ we was all steamin’ mad. ‘I ain’t no p*ssy!’ Herb yelled, and gave Duke a good punch on the arm. So then I says to Duke, ‘How we even supposed to get in there anyway? Don’t you know they lock the doors at night.’ ‘I know the night guard,’ Duke says, ‘Hell, if we give em’ a shot of this here whiskey; he’ll let us go wherever we want.’ “Before I knew it, we was drivin’ up to the campus to catch us an ol’ haint. On the way up there, Herb leans over to me and says, ‘When I was lil’, my Grammie told me what to do if I ever encountered a haint. She says all haints, by Christian law, have’ta let ya go if ya ask em’ a riddle they can’t answer.’ Now, I had no clue what ol’ Herb was talkin’ bout; I just figured it was the whiskey talkin’.” “It was sometime ‘round midnight when Duke pulled his Ford into the campus parkin’ lot. ‘Now, you rascals sit tight, I’m gonna work my magic on that ol’ night guard,’ Duke said as he shut the door. We didn’t say much while Duke was talkin’to the guard. It coulda been the alcohol goin’ to our heads, makin’ us tired, but I think it was ‘cause we was all a little bit scared. Duke came back a few minutes later, swingin’ a
key chain round his finger. ‘Ready p*ssies?’ he said through a grin.” “So there we were, four drunk college kids, walkin’ up the steps of Bibb Graves Hall. Duke still had that stupid grin on his face as he unlocked the door. ‘You think this is a good idea duke, ‘member them frat boys?’ Cooter says. Duke just laughed and said, ’Sure I ‘member ‘em, and next time I’ll ‘member to bring a tampon when I know I’m gonna’ be hangin’ with a bunch of p*ssies.’ Well that remark did it for Cooter, his pride simply ate up all his fear. He was gonna’ see this through and show ol’ Duke that he wasn’t one. As for me, I wasn’t that much afraid, part of me didn’t want to go up there, but like Cooter, I wasn’t about to let Duke call me a pussy for the rest of my life. Now, Herb was a different story. He was a shakin’ and a sweatin’ as we climbed them steps to the 3rd floor. I could tell he was scareder than hell.” “Well, when we made it to the top of them stairs and saw that ladder, Herb started panickin’. ‘I ain’t doin this,’ he says and starts down them stairs faster than a mule in a possum chase. “YOU KNOW WHATCHU ARE!” Duke yelled down at him, but that didn’t stop ol’ Herb. He was already out the door by the time Duke’s insult echoed back to us. ‘Anybody else wanna chicken out?’ Duke says to us. Cooter looked up at ol’ Duke, eyes glarin’ at him, and says, ’You know I ain’t no chicken, I’m goin’ right up there with you.’ Then they both turned their eyes on me. “Let’s go up ‘p-words’,” I says to ‘em. Duke shot me one helluva mean glare, then started up the ladder.” “Once we were all up, Duke pulled the little trap door shut and we all felt around for a place to sit. Boy! Was it dark up there; and cold too. I bet five bucks we coulda seen our breath if it weren’t so dark. Well, we sat there for nearly half an hour, not really sayin’ much, when Duke goes to lightin’ him up a smoke. Suddenly, at the strike of a match, the whole room became vis’ble. To this day, I’ll never forget what I saw when Duke struck that match. In between Duke n’ ol’ Coot, there sat a woman. She was ‘bout the ugliest thing I’d ever saw. She looked more like corpse than anything. Cooter sees her and lets out a scream. Duke whips around to see what’s going on; and in doing so puts out the match. That’s when ol’ Duke let out a holler. Well, that did it for me. I started scramblin’ around, lookin’ for that damn trap door. Cooter had ceased his hollerin’, but Duke was till just howlin’ away. ‘She’s got me! Help
me, dammit!’ he cried, but I had already found the door and gave it a good hard tug, but the damned thing wouldn’t budge. So I pulled and pulled, like the strong man at the circus, but the door wouldn’t budge an inch. Suddenly, things grew quiet. All I could hear was my own lungs breathin’. I was too scared to move, the smell of fresh feces radiated from my trousers. That’s when the woman grabbed me around the throat.” “Now, I didn’t know if I was goin’ to heaven or hell, but I had a pretty good feelin’ I was fixin’ to find out. That’s when I remembered what ol’ Herb said to me in the car. So I mustered up all the breath I had left in my lungs and I says to her, ‘A squaw of the Chickasaw tribe gave birth to two babies. Every mornin’ she put ‘em in a papoose and carried ‘em down to the creek to get a drink of water. Now lemme, ask ya. Before she gave birth, how’d she carry ‘em down to the creek?’ The grip on my throat loosened a little. ‘Nice try but she carried them in Spirit,’ the spook whispered. A wave of relief swept over me as she spoke her answer. ‘Wrong!’ I proudly proclaimed. ‘She carried them in her papoosey, you ol’ b*tch!’ Just like that, her hands slipped completely from ‘round my neck and she was gone. My heart wanted to check on Duke and Cooter, but my head didn’t want to wait around for that haint to come back. So, I followed my head and checked the door again− damned thing opened right up. I got back home sometime ‘round five, and fell asleep as soon as I fell on my bed.” “The next ‘mornin, I went down to the police station to report what happened. I know they thought I was crazier than a bee in a cookie jar, but they sent two policemen up to the campus to investigate. You know what they found? Nothin’! Not a damned thing. To this day, Duke and Coot have never been found. Police said that they were a pair of them homosexuals and that they eloped to California to carry out their fornications in peace. As for me and my story, no one believed it. Police thought I got drunk and dreamed the whole thing up. Hell, the whole thing does sound crazy, but I dare you to climb that ladder and shut that trapdoor. I’ll tell you right now, you better have a good riddle if ya do.”
“Well how ‘bout that.” “He carries the Charles Atlas Seal of Approval!”
thesnore.blogspot.com
Fun!
Page 12
“Give yourself over to absolute pleasure. Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh - erotic nightmares beyond any measure, and sensual daydreams to treasure forever. Can’t you just see it? Don’t dream it, be it!”
Ask Love Daddy
The Fl*r-A*a staff claims, “Almost as edgy as our sex related articles last year, but as stiff as our publication this year.” Love Daddy has been highly regarded as the man that convinced the Octo-Mom from having more kids (you’re welcome). Ya uh so my bf has this stuf on his “edited for content” nd he says it’s a scab he got frm shavng his shaft but I nvr saw no scab lik that b4. Wht do I nd to do? -Suspisus in Sacramento . Well, my grammatically challenged friend, you’re in luck because I have perfect advice for you. If you’ve found someone daft enough to put up with you and all of your very obvious flaws, you ride that relationship out into the sunset and you become Mrs. Scabby Weiner. You get married and have 14 kids and collect welfare. That’s how the system works, isn’t it? Also, the only word larger than one syllable you spelled correctly is Sacramento. Nothing smart to reply with, just an observation. -Love Daddy So, uh like my boyfriend, who is a total stud muffin frat star, has this weird obsession. It’s nothing like, kinky but he occasionally “Crush” his meat to Dave Matthews songs. I thought it was weird enough when he ask if he could “Crash Into Me” or when he would scream out “SATELITEEE” when he, uh, finished. But this weekend I was going to surprise him with a Dave Matthews cake for his birthday. So I walked into his room to surprise him and there he was, pants around his waist hand firmly on his “Big Eyed Fish” staring into a picture of Dave Matthews’ eyes whispering the words to “Ants Marching” and crying. What do I need to do? - Dancing with Dave Before I give any advice, I have to ask one question: your boyfriend is a Kappa Sig, isn’t he? The unmanly crying and Dave Matthews obsession gave it away. Anyway you need to “Say Goodbye” and go nail a “Bartender”. - Love Daddy