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UCCS pledges to help find missing tortoise Butti, a thirteen-year-old Indian star tortoise, was shorton@uccs.edu abducted from the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo late last month. Butti was last seen on Sunday, March 27 around 4:30 p.m. at The Loft, a popular hands-on exhibit where visitors can handle him and his brother, Tutti. Zookeepers think Butti was taken due to his small size and are concerned about Butti’s disappearance because he requires a special diet. In light of Butti’s abduction, UCCS has partnered with the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo to investigate the tortoise’s disappearance. UCCS administration has informed faculty and staff to keep an eye out for any suspicious activity around campus. Safety precautions, including mandatory backpack checks and weekly dorm sweeps, have started this month to ensure students are not keeping Butti hostage. “Our priority is to find Butti and ensure his safe return to the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo,” stated the UCCS Department of Public Safety in a news release. “It is our hope that the culprit will be brought to justice. No one takes a
Sara Horton
The news in brief Student wets bed; loses friends
A bedwetter was identified at UCCS last week. Junior Patrick Hasler has been wetting the bed since he was out of diapers. The bedwetter’s roommate, John Burton, finally came forward after months of keeping the secret. “I wanted to keep his secret, but I just couldn’t live with it anymore,” said Burton. The news quickly spread across campus, and Hasler has since lost all of his friends. “It was hard to hide it. I wet my bed every night, and that makes it really hard to get a girlfriend. Nobody likes to sleep in someone else’s pee,” said Hasler. School administration is discussing whether he will be allowed to stay in the dorms for the remainder of the semester, considering the rising prices of flimsy, narrow mattresses. S
Clyde’s serves five-year-old Clyde’s has been shut down temporarily after they were caught serving alcohol to minors this weekend. Police were alerted after somebody saw a girl who was obviously not 21 drinking a beer. “She had a drivers license that said she was 21. It looked valid,” said Clyde’s employee Brad Idiom. The minor was identified as the five-yearold daughter of history professor Leslie Negligant. The Clyde’s employee has been fired. “Who is really dumb enough to think a five-year-old is 21?” commented Police Chief Tim Rice. S
Fondue forces residents out of Alpine Village
The third floor of the Crestone building in Alpine Village is completely covered in chocolate and cheese after a fondue party debacle on Saturday night. Some residents decided to have a girls’ night that involved making and eating several varieties of fondue and drinking cheap wine. Once they were all hopped up on chocolate and had maybe a few too many glasses of wine, they decided it would be a great idea to share with their floor. Skipping through the halls, they tossed fondue to their neighbors. Unbeknownst to them, fondue is not a tossable treat. Residents of the floor have been temporarily displaced while cleanup efforts are underway. S
Overly sweaty student weirds out classmates Last week a UCCS student, who wishes to remain unnamed, visited the Health Center after expressing concerns about abnormal glandular activity. “She was just sitting there in her tank top and it was literally dripping down her arms onto the floor. One boy in our class slipped in it and hit his head on the desk,” explained Justine Smellstur. The girl’s sweat is said to trail behind her like a cape, said one uncomfortable professor. Rumor has it the nervous wreck is in one of his classes next semester. The latest diagnosis reveals she suffers from “freaked the hell out” syndrome. Some say she’s even afraid of rabbits.
tortoise away from his brother without consequence.” Some students have not responded well to the controversial new measures. UCCS freshman Justin Case explained that he was stopped for questioning by a resident attendant when he tried to bring his lunch back to his room. “I bought a big salad from The Lodge and couldn’t finish it, so I took it back with me. I figured I could eat the rest while I studied,” explained Case. “But the attendant stopped me and she was like, ‘What are you planning on doing with all that lettuce?’” Case’s answer did not satisfy the attendant and his dorm was subsequently checked. “I think she thought I was going to feed the rest of my salad to that tortoise or something. The whole thing was ridiculous,” Case said. Although a student bringing back food to the dorms is a regular occurrence, Case claimed that the attendant was highly suspicious of him because “not many dudes eat salads.” UCCS administration stated that the dorm sweeps would not stop until Butti has been reunited with his brother Tutti, who has refused to make a statement or come out of his shell since the incident. S
TOP TEN
things you don’t remember from spring break
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Making out with your best friend.
Making out with your best friend’s brother.
Dyeing your hair green.
Selling your kidney in Mexico.
Buying a pet midget.
Where you left your dignity.
Getting your mom’s name tatooed on your butt.
Getting arrested for stealing a Mexican baby.
Getting robbed by a transvestite prostitute.
Making out with your mom.
-Scribe Staff
Photo courtesy of cheyennemountainzoo. blogspot.com ‘Do you feel lucky, punk? Well? Do ya?’
Professor found passedout in classroom wearing only a Speedo Marguerite Breedeen
mbreeden@uccs.edu UCCS’ favorite chemistry professor Erik Vandelhouselhorf was found passed out wearing a Speedo in a Centennial Hall classroom the Monday after Spring Break. During the break, Vandelhouselhorf skipped a visit to renowned chemist Michael Faraday’s home in England to do some of his own research regarding college students and alcohol’s affect on the brains. It’s a topic he had expressed much interest in for nearly twenty years. Vandelhouselhorf took off to South Padre Island, Texas, leaving his wife Wendy to take their children to Disney World alone. What started as promising research, quickly backfired, as Vandelhouselhorf became highly intoxicated. He decided to relax with a piña colada during his research. Before he knew it he was downing shots, screwdrivers and strawberry daiquiris with the students he was meant to be studying. He spent the rest of his trip reliving his college days. He drank copiously, attended wet T-shirt contests and joined hundreds of wild, intoxicated col-
lege students in their massive conga line along the beach. When Wendy returned from Disney World with the couple’s two young children, she discovered that Vandelhouselhorf, who was to have returned the day before, was still in Texas, refusing to return home and forcing his wife to go get him. Upon arrival, Wendy found her husband at the pool with a piña colada in one hand and a banana daquiri in the other. In disgust, Wendy dragged her husband away by one foot and flew back to Colorado Springs. He continued drinking for the duration of the plane ride and into the following night. At around 3 a.m., Vandelhouseldorf decided he needed to get some work done and headed to campus. When students arrived at his 8 a.m. biochemistry class Monday morning, they found him passed out on the floor, wearing nothing but his Speedo. When they were finally able to revive him, he looked around and realized that the students in his classroom were all students he had thoughtlessly partied with at the beach. He left in embarrassment and nobody knows when or if he will return. S