April 12 to April 18, 2011 [Volume 35. Issue 25]
editorial Orange-ifying education the scribe
April 12 to April 18, 2011
Editor-in-Chief Avalon Manly Apparently, “Jersey Shore” is actually a thing. I mean, I knew it was a reality show, and I knew it was at least relatively popular, because “South Park” mocked it roundly last season, but apparently our national attention is actually dedicated to this nonsense on a grand scale. I’m not going to wax philosophical about the demise of worthy entertainment, or the active death of everything I once held dear about TV, or how disgusted I become when I learn that people not only watch, but actually enjoy, “Jersey Shore.” I’m also not going to talk about the fact that, while researching for this column, I had to take breaks every three minutes or so to prevent myself from becoming physically ill. I’m all out of Tums, now, and I’m running low on antacids. At one point, I tried to read some of Snooki’s biography and nearly swallowed my tongue. You can only wade through the phrase “fingerless leopard fur gloves” so many times before losing it. No, I shall write instead about the recent happenings at Rutgers University in New Jersey. Rutgers, whose annual tuition ranges from just over $12,000 a year to over $35,000, polled their student body and, based on those recommendations, commissioned Nichole “Snooki” Polizzi to appear at two forums on campus, so students could go hear her speak. Or, more accurately, so students who doled out the necessary cash for tickets to the forums could hear her spew incredibly poor advice about all spheres of life. Her mantra that night was, “Study hard; party harder,” which sort of sounds like the slogan for the PGM program, I think. Those weren’t the only kernels of wisdom the
four-foot-nine debacle had to offer. The forums were structured as a sort of “Behind the Scenes,” hosted by comedian Adam Ace; Snooki fielded questions both from him and members of the audience. These are examples of real things Snooki said to the students at Rutgers, on which I can’t help but to supply commentary: Regarding the absence of something called a “poof,” which is apparently something stupid involving hair that she wasn’t sporting at the time, she said, “The poof is its’ own living form, it’s my trademark but people always expect it. It’s a summer hairstyle, so if I want to Snook the night, I’ll wear the poof.” “Snook” is apparently a verb now? Really? Does it mean, “to contract syphilis?” On the ration of reality to script in “Jersey Shore,” Snooki had this charming line to quip: “You can’t make this [sic] up. Everything that goes down goes down. If it was fake I wouldn’t be a part of it.” Because her horrifyingly orange skin tone is purely the result of eating too many carrots. Oh, wait, no, she talked about that, too, when asked what inspires her most: “I’d honestly say, being tan. When you’re tan, you feel better.” Polizzi’s father was present at one of the two forums, and she was duly queried as to how her parents feel about her “acting.” “They don’t like seeing me hook up on TV, but I’m 23 years old, they have to get over it. I signed up for this, all these cameras following me.” She proceeded to explain that, if the cameras and crews ever annoy her, she will “spray hairspray for five years,” perhaps in an attempt to ensure their slow demise by cancer, so that, sometime in the next four decades or so, she can dance on their graves. Speaking of dancing, Snooki taught some students to groove to “house music,” which I learned is some new hip term for something we used to call “techno.” “This is my tree-branch dance,” she explained, “because it reminds me of a windy day when trees are blowing. I only dance to house music, I don’t do any of the booty shaking in the crotch area.” That last one is my fa-
vorite. Anyway, many students at Rutgers were incensed that their student fees had been frittered away so carelessly and, as reported by the Daily Targum, Rutgers’ student newspaper, surreptitiously – the school didn’t release until recently how much they paid Snooki to visit their campus. The paper has been swamped with letters to the editor espousing every negative sentiment under the sun. Alumni all over the country have declared an end to their annual donations, and New Jersey State Senator Joe Kyrillos is so enraged that he’s in drafting legislation that will allow public school students to opt out of funding such university projects. But why all the hullabaloo? Aren’t universities, considering their population, entitled to do something frivolous every once in a while? The problem is that Snooki, who exemplifies everything we should not be as members of the community of higher education, was paid $32,000 for her engagement at Rutgers – $32,000. Almost as much as a full year’s tuition at that university for an out-of-state student who lives on campus. But that’s not the crux of the issue. Rutgers has commissioned Toni Morrison, a Nobel- and Pultizer Prize-winning author, teacher and lecturer, to speak at this year’s commencement ceremony. Morrison, who has spent more than 40 years producing influential and powerful American literature, including “The Bluest Eye” and “Beloved,” will travel to Rutgers next month to urge its graduating class to seize the day and change the world. Morrison will be paid $30,000 for her appearance at the ceremony, $2,000 less than Snooki. Now, I will say that $30,000, even for a novel laureate, seems painfully exorbitant. That’s more than many people make in an entire year, let alone a few hours’ preparation, travel and work. But I’m no expert on speaking fees. To accept the disparity in price between these two individuals as a mark of their merit and worth to an institute of higher learning, though, seems an omen for the future of education. S
The official student newspaper of the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs
Editor-in-Chief.........................................Avalon Manly Managing Editor........................................Jessica Lynch Business Manager..........................................Matt Baatz Advertising/Sales Manager..........................Luis Hidalgo News Editor..................................................Matt Sidor Athletics Editor......................................Matt Crandall Opinion/Scribble Editor...........................Cherise Fantus Photograhy Editor.................................Ariel Lattimore Copy Editor.............................................Cherise Fantus Web Master.............................................Dorian Rogers Layout Designers..........................................J.D. Osorio ..................................................................Emily Olson Reporters...................................................Alex Cramer ............................................................Ryan Piechowski .................................................................Sara Horton ...................................................................Ryan Adams Photographer.........................................Michelle Wood Junior Reporters...............................Heather Templeton ...............................................................Molly Mrazek ......................................................Marguerite Breeden Junior Photographer...................................Brett Owens Contributors...........................................Steven Farrell Cartoonist............................................................Arno Distributor...........................................Donald Trujillo Advisor.....................................................Laura Eurich Cover Photo Courtesy of hipasiwannabe.com
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April 12 to April 18, 2011
Renovations to UC to be completed by Fall Matt Sidor
email@example.com Starting soon, the University Center will be getting a fresh new look as it undergoes a remodel, scheduled to be completed by the Fall 2011 semester. Megan Bell, associate director of the UC, said they just finished hiring a contractor and the work should begin as soon as the paperwork goes through within the next couple of weeks. In order to minimize any disruption to existing operations, the remodel will be performed such that different areas of the building will be closed off in separate phases; this means the remodel will take longer than usual but will allow most events and activities to be conducted as normal. The broadest changes will include bright new carpeting throughout the building and a new paint scheme to match it. All the main entryways for ROAR (Refuge for Organizations, Activities, and Recreation), Office of Student Activites, The Scribe, Copy Center, MOSAIC (Multicultural Office for Student Access, Inclusiveness, and Community), UCCS Bookstore, and administrative offices will be updated with new signage all sharing a common design scheme.
Also, the common area on the first floor will be upgraded into a game room. The three pool tables will remain, and the whole space will be expanded to include extra space with large flat-screen televisions for console gamers to use. One of the most dramatic changes will be the southwest entrance to the building, located next to the “tunnel” between the University Center and Kraemer Family Library. This entrance is tucked away next to the Bookstore’s loading dock and right now it looks more like an employee-only doorway rather than a primary entrance. To remedy this misconception, the entryway will be built out with a prominent glass tower modeled after the northeast entryway. (See conceptual art.) Another change will be the front Information Desk. Currently, the desk is situated far off to the left as you come into the main entryway, and it’s not very obvious that it’s for general information about the campus. The remodel will move the desk to the right so it’s closer to the entrance and will reshape it into a circular desk stretching around almost a full 360 degrees. Megan said, “We’re hoping the changes will make it more obvious where it is as people come in for the first time.” Additionally, the remodel aims to make the information desk a more efficient operation – the current desk
was built during the last remodel 11 years ago, and the desk has taken on many new and different roles since then, including the printing of new student ID cards. The new desk will have a designated space against the wall specifically for taking ID photos, rather than that awkward space between the main hallway and the administrative offices. Also, there will be a new area specifically for storing the building’s mail instead of having it piled up in a disorganized clutter behind the desk. The administrative offices will see an update too. Their entryway is tucked behind the Information Desk and it doesn’t look like a main entrance even though students and faculty are always welcome to walk back. In the remodel, the entrance will be pivoted 90 degrees to face out into the hallway directly across from the ROAR office and the new signage will make its location more clear to visitors. The cost estimate for the remodel is $450,000. There will be no increase to student fees to pay for the work as all the funds will be coming out of the university’s general reserve. So by the end of this summer, we should have a newand-improved University Center to come back to – one that is more modern, more welcoming to students, and better matched to its current events and activities. S
Theatre ’d Art moves from campus to downtown Molly Mrazek
firstname.lastname@example.org Theatre ‘d Art, a theater company that has been run out of UCCS’ Osborne Studio Theatre since 2003, is relocating as of late, to 128 N. Nevada Ave. According to Jonathan Margheim, co-founder and artistic director of Theatre ‘d Art, “We are a local theatre company specializing in edgier, more experimental theatre.” The group consists of UCCS alumni and students. Margheim and Brian Mann have been doing shows under the company name “Theatre ‘d Art” since they were students at UCCS, and since 2007, they have been an official theatre company with full seasons of shows.
Margheim feels that with a larger and more centrally located venue they will be able to reach a new audience. He also said that “the theatre program at UCCS has exploded over the last few years, making scheduling shows for both our season and the student season in the space tricky.” With this new space, they will be able to do more shows a season and seat more audience members. Even though Theatre ‘d Art is no longer going to be housed in the Osborne Studio Theatre, it will not affect its involvement with UCCS, said Margheim. They will still have UCCS students onstage and offstage in their shows. They’re annual short play festival “Theatregasm” will still take place in the Osborne Studio Theatre and they may produce some shows there in the coming theater season. S
Photo by Ariel Lattimore
Theatre’d Art’s new location on Nevada hopes to cater to a different demographic.
UCCS rises to meet demands of sustainability Matt Sidor
email@example.com In order to meet the new demands of environmental stewardship for the 21st century, UCCS is seeking to minimize our campus’ environmental impact and make our school carbon-neutral. Chancellor Shockley-Zalabak recently signed the American College and University Presidents Climate Commitment (presidentsclimatecommitment.org), a document which obligates our school to “institutional commitments to eliminate net greenhouse gas emissions from specified campus operations, and to promote the research and educational efforts of higher education to equip society to re-stabilize the earth’s climate.” UCCS is one of 677 signatory schools which are working to help reverse global warming. To this end, last summer the Office of Sustainability released a detailed Climate Action Plan – a 39-page document which specifies all the various ways in which our campus aims to reduce 80 percent of our current greenhouse gas emissions by the year 2050, while simultaneously expanding the campus to more than double its current size. (See graph.) Although 40 years seems like a long way off, it’s necessary to allow enough time to slowly change our existing infrastructure and conservation policies at an institutional level. The plan focuses primarily on changes we will need to implement over the next ten years. This plan includes:
Greening of the Grid: UCCS purchases all electricity from Colorado Springs Utilities, which contains 69 percent coal, and less than 1 percent comes from wind power. UCCS intends to encourage and work with Colorado Springs Utilities and other organizations to seek more renewable energy options to green the Colorado Springs grid and, therefore, the electricity that reaches our campus. High Efficiency New Buildings: All new buildings will be LEED-certified, which will have targeted energy reductions of 40 percent compared to traditional buildings of the same size and function. Not only will this reduce our overall environmental impact, but it will also substantially reduce the operating costs of each new building. Three new buildings (Campus Recreation Center, Science and Engineering, and Gallogly Events Center) are already certified, and one remodel (Centennial Hall) is pending certification. Energy Conservation: The Office of Sustainability seeks to increase energy usage awareness among students, faculty and staff in order to change our behaviors. This includes a reduction in the use of space heaters, a campaign to keep lights switched off in classrooms and offices when not in use, and presentations to housing students regarding energy and water conservation. Energy Efficiency Projects: This is the largest part of
UCCS’ emission reduction strategies and will include retrofitting light fixtures to more efficient, daylightsensing units, retrofitting toilets and sinks to low flow units, upgrading the campus computer network to reduce its power consumption, converting public safety vehicles to hybrid models, and seeking a partnership with Colorado Springs Metro for free or discounted bus passes. Renewable Energy: In addition to new solar panels on campus – including the water heating units at the Campus Recreation Center and the electricity generating units at the Science and Engineering Building and Centennial Hall – the campus purchases Renewable Energy Credits to offset 70 percent of the electricity use in Gallogly Events Center and 100 percent in Centennial Hall. Future projects could potentially cover most of the campus buildings with 1.2 megawatts of solar power. Additionally, UCCS is involved in several collaborative projects exploring the possibility of securing a reliable power source at one or more large wind farms off campus. Waste Minimization and Disposal: Paper materials will be replaced with online alternatives wherever possible, unlimited printing in the computer labs is discouraged through the Paws Pay for Prints program, single-stream recycling is available everywhere across campus, and container reuse is being implemented through Sodexo food services. S
Free HIV testing offered Minors are worth more than you’d think for youth in Springs Page 4
firstname.lastname@example.org You probably know how this conversation goes: you tell your friends, relatives and other loved ones that you’re in college, and the first question they ask is, “What’s your major?” And, with great enthusiasm, you tell them what special field of study you’ve chosen, how great your career will be after graduation, and all the amazing ways you plan to change the world with your important-sounding degree. Does anyone ever ask you, “What’s your minor?” Of course not! Nobody ever makes their name in the world or defines their career through their minor. Right? It turns out that minors are an often overlooked and relatively simple way to make your academic career stand out just a little more on your transcript or resumé. We all have to fulfill requirements for electives, so why not focus them into a specific area of interest? Choosing a minor that not only compliments your major but also meshes well with your interests and passions is also an excellent way to explore new career options you might not have otherwise considered. Todd Casey, an academic advisor with the College of Letters, Arts and Sciences, said that minors are great for when you’re interested in a certain area, but don’t want to do a full study of the program. Within LAS, nine of the credits within your major’s coursework can simultaneously count toward a minor. After that, you’ll need typically 30-40 hours outside of your general education requirements to grab that minor. Although you can really minor in anything you want, it makes more sense to hone in on something that is related to your major in some way. For example, a physics major would probably want to
minor in mathematics – especially since they’ll already have most of the math requirements knocked out of the way. But there are other, less obvious connections you can make between majors and minors – for example, a nursing major could really stand out if they minor in Spanish, since it gives them a bi-lingual edge that so many hospitals are looking for these days. Or, a communication major could prove they have the savvy to work in a corporate environment with a minor in business. The most important thing is to choose one that already matches your interests; don’t start a program just because you think it will make you look better or its requirements will be easy to fulfill. Not only will your grades benefit more if you have a passion for the classes you need to take, but you’ll be in a better position to explore your talents and the various aspects of a potential career that truly motivates you. UCCS has a wide range of different minors from which to choose, making it easy to pick something you like. In the College of Letters, Arts and Sciences, there are a whopping 42 options – all of them essentially cover the same programs as the majors, but with fewer credit requirements and less advancedlevel courses. Additionally, there are business minors for either business or non-business students, as well as minors in the classics, cognitive studies, criminal justice, gerontology, health care sciences, military science, pre-law, sustainable development, and women’s and ethnic studies (WEST). If you’re considering adding a minor to your degree, there is a full list of available programs at the Student Success Center’s web site at uccs.edu/ssc. You should also schedule an appointment with your advisor, who can walk you through all of the credit requirements and give you a more realistic picture of how to best achieve your minor. S
Ryan Piechowski email@example.com
The past few weeks have marked the start of the “You Know Different” campaign across the country. The National Youth Advocacy Coalition, headquartered in Washington D.C., has kicked off their You Know Different campaign in an attempt to increase awareness of and participation in HIV testing across the United States. The American youth, who have seen statistical increases in sexual activity over the last several decades, are the campaign’s primary focus group. The campaign’s goal is to increase young people’s knowledge of HIV and encourage regular testing for sexually active. The campaign is a call to all young people, especially those at a statistically higher risk of contracting the disease. Those groups considered to be at higher risk are gays, lesbians, blacks and Hispanics. Victoria Stone, an outreach worker for Urban Peak, a Colorado Springs nonprofit organization that welcomes and assists homeless youths in Colorado Springs and surrounding areas, recognizes the increase in sexual activity among youth. Not only has the number of sexually active young adults increased, but the percentage of these people having unprotected sex has risen as well. A 2007 study performed by the U.S. Center for Disease Control revealed that at least 38 percent of sexually active high school students did not use protection the last time they engaged in sexual activities. “So many people are having sex at a young age. It’s stupid-crazy how young they’re starting,” mentioned Stone to The Gazette. According to Stone, young people, along with prevalent IV users, are the target audiences for the You Know Different campaign and others of similar na-
April 12 to April 18, 2011
ture. Recognizing the need for education among the younger generations, Stone and her organization have set out to conduct two weeks of free HIV testing for people aged 25 or younger. “The under-25 population is the fastestgrowing population of HIV,” Stone told The Gazette. “That’s where the title comes from: You don’t think you can get it, but you know different.” While Stone insists the youth know different, Southern Colorado Aids Project Executive Director Richard Blair believes the 25 and under age group knows very little about the disease and how it can be contracted. Blair believes people are becoming complacent and diseases such as HIV and AIDS are not being taken as seriously as they should. As pharmaceutical companies have created prescriptions to partially alleviate the symptoms, the amount of media coverage has decreased. Consequently, these diseases are viewed as less of a threat. Unprotected sex and sexual ignorance has led to staggering data. Of the 1.1 million people dealing with HIV, only 79 percent are aware they have it, he said. Along with the free HIV testing, Stone, the You Know Different campaign and participating clinics and organizations will also provide free condoms, informational materials and bleach kits for needles. Confidentiality will be of utmost importance and tests will take no more than twenty minutes to produce results. The You Know Different campaign will run from Mar. 30 through April 15. For more information, as well as testing locations, call the following agencies: • Urban Peak: 630-3223 • Inside Out Youth Services: 328-1056 • Colorado Springs Pride Center: 4714429 • Southern Colorado AIDS Project: 5789092 S
Library hosts talk of conservation, environment Marguerite Breeden firstname.lastname@example.org On April 4, UCCS welcomed Jonathan Waterman, author of “Running Dry: A Journey from Source to Sea down the Colorado River,” to campus for a guest lecture. The book describes his journey down the Colorado River and the changes the river underwent over various periods of time. Waterman is best known as a National Geographic Society grantee, Sonoran Institute fellow and award winning author. The event took place in Kramer Family Library on the third floor apse. During the reception, UCCS’s Electro Acoustic Ensemble played music that sounded identical to the flow of river water. Waterman’s journey began in May of 2008, when he traveled from the source, the Continental Divide at La Poudre Pass in Rocky Mountain National Park, Colo., to the mouth of the Colorado in the Gulf of California. It was a rather difficult journey, he explained, because he travelled both by
pack raft, with park rangers and by foot. Waterman stated his mission on this trek was to “find exact photographs to show how the Colorado River had changed.” Some of these changes occurred because of the building of towns, oil development and pollutants. Towns built on the river used the river as a source of sustainability; while this greatly benefited the people using its resources, it caused certain areas of the river to completely dry up. Oils and pollutants not only changed the color of the water, but also wiped away many river dwelling creatures that had once thrived in its waters. Waterman described these changes as “people playing God with nature.” By playing God, the Colorado River was harmed and can no longer retain its image as the “American Nile.” Waterman stressed, “I am concerned with what future generations will do without water.” The Colorado River, as Waterman emphasized, Photo courtesy of environment.nationalgeographic.com is integral to life as we know it; if we don’t have access to it, we cannot sustain our- Jonathan Waterman digs through sludge in the Colorado River selves. S
Not ready to go Dutch: The Dutch Kitchen April 12 to April 18, 2011
email@example.com Manitou Springs has always charmed me with its unique selection of shops and restaurants, many of which are owned and staffed by local families. The Dutch Kitchen is no exception. The Flynn family opened The Dutch Kitchen in 1959, and the restaurant has not changed hands in ownership since. When I walked up to the restaurant, a sign outside the front door boasted that The Dutch Kitchen was celebrating an impressive 52 years of business and that the Flynn family appreciated everyone’s patronage. Unfortunately, I did not feel as appreciated when I entered the restaurant. The woman who showed me to my table was a little brusque when I came in, and when I later tried to pay for my meal with a credit card, I discovered it was a form of payment
that The Dutch Kitchen refused. I was fine with writing a check or paying in cash, but she informed me of my mistake as if I should have known better. I would like to think that she was just having a long day. However, as a new customer, I did not feel encouraged to return because of her behavior. Thankfully, my waiter was much more friendly. The restaurant has one seating area with windows that overlook the street, which is currently undergoing some construction. I stopped by on a busy weekend, so motorists caught up in traffic in front of the restaurant could stare at me as I decided what to order. Being watched made me feel a little awkward, but the cars should not be as much of an issue once the construction has ended. The Dutch Kitchen is famous for its sandwiches, particularly the corned beef, which comes with Swiss cheese and sau-
erkraut on either pumpernickel or French bread. Other sandwiches include hot pastrami, smoked German sausage, filet of fish and more. Each sandwich is served with a kosher pickle and potato chips, although substitutions can be made for side dishes of homemade potato salad, cole slaw, salad, cottage cheese, hash browns, fried onion rings, French fries or more kosher pickles. The average sandwich costs about $8, which was on the steeper side of the price range I had expected, and items on the dinner menu cost about a dollar or two more. I ordered a Swiss grill sandwich, which had ham and Swiss cheese on Frenchtoasted bread. I also ordered two French dip sandwiches to take home for my family. The Swiss grill was packed full of hot cheese and moist ham, and the French dip had carved roast beef that was equally appetizing and did not look like typical lunchmeat I would find at a grocery store.
I was satisfied but not convinced that either of the sandwiches was worth the steep price tag. After my meal, I decided to order three slices of The Dutch Kitchen’s award-winning pie to take home for $3.75 per piece. The pie menu offers nine flavors: rhubarb, berry, apple pie, pecan chocolate, cherry, buttermilk, chocolate cream, banana cream and coconut cream. I ordered apple, buttermilk and coconut cream. When I later sampled each flavor, the buttermilk was the best by far. The apple and coconut cream were okay, but I could easily find pies of equal quality elsewhere. I like family-owned restaurants and the variety they bring to the table, but I ultimately left feeling a bit disappointed. If The Dutch Kitchen wants to enjoy another fifty years in business, it needs to improve its customer service and lower the prices. S
Local World War II exhibit to end next month Sara Horton
firstname.lastname@example.org The Colorado Springs Pioneers Museum’s exhibit “So Far From Home: The American POW Experience in World War II,” which honors American POWs held in Europe and the Pacific, was introduced in July 2010 and will end its run this May. “The Colorado Springs Pioneers Museum is honored to share these remarkable and moving stories of survival,” said museum director Matt Mayberry on the City of Colorado Springs’ website. “They are all the more meaningful today given our community’s close connection to the impact war has on soldiers and families.” The exhibit features the stories of ten prisoners of war (POWs) who are either from the Pikes Peak area or later settled here. The exhibit estimates that approximately 92,000 American POWs, most of them ground troops, were taken prisoner in Europe during World War II. Over 90 percent of the 23,000 American POWs held by the Japanese were captured in the first few months of war. Many POWs were held for years, not all of them treat-
ed by the articles of the Geneva Convention. “So Far From Home” explores every aspect of a POW’s life: The exhibit follows the long road from the grueling transportation to camps via “hell ships” all the way to liberation, which 14,000 American POWs did not survive to see. Most of the artifacts and photographs at the exhibit are from private local collections and have never been on public display. Amongst the impressive range of artifacts are Western Union telegrams, letters, outfits worn in Japanese camps and paraphernalia such as an S.S. helmet, Nazi daggers and a Japanese sword that soldiers brought home as war souvenirs. Recreations of POW holding areas and a television programmed with American POW stories are also included. Outside the exhibit are cases that explain Colorado’s role in World War II and the state POW stockades. Of the camps established throughout Colorado, Fort Carson was one of the most significant and at one point held over 12,000 prisoners of war. Like me, you may leave the exhibit with a heavy heart; you will also, fortunately, feel an enduring gratitude for past and present American soldiers, their bravery and remarkable endurance. Admission to “So Far From Home” and
Planned Parenthood is offering $10 STD testing & $10 HIV testing on April 26 & April 29 3958 N. Academy Blvd. #108 719.573.8880 3480 Centennial Blvd. 719.475.7162 For more information, visit www.pprm.org
Photo by Ariel Lattimore
The Pioneers Museim will be ending their exhibit, “So Far From Home: The American POW Experience in World War II” in May; so hurry up and go see it while you can!
every other exhibit in the museum is free, so visit the Colorado Springs Pioneers Museum before this rare gem of an exhibit is gone for good. For more information on upcoming and ongoing events at the Colorado Springs Pioneers Museum, visit www.cspm.org or call (719) 385-
5631. The Colorado Pioneers Museum is located at the restored El Paso County Courthouse at 215 South Tejon St., just across the street from the El Paso County Sheriff’s Office. Hours of operation are from 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., Tuesday through Saturday. S
Run your way into better shape this summer itching for competition, preparing for a race is one of the best motivators. Search runningintheusa.com and email@example.com browse for races in Colorado Springs. Races are of varying lengths and there are numerous listings every No one really likes to run inside on a treadmill. For day of the week for races in the Colorado Springs and one, it’s relatively boring, running in place is kind of Denver area. depressing and if you plan on running farther than three Three months after he first took to the streets, Waters miles, may God help your soul. ran his first 5k. Surprising himself and feeling a great Luckily, now that it’s getting warmer, running sense of accomplishment, a few months later he signed outside is a more viable option. And with it comes a up for the Boulder Half-Marathon. “I signed up for it surplus of running possimainly because I decided bilities. For UCCS graduit was time to push myself ate student Todd Waters, even more, and because running has become an I wanted to say I’d comimportant part of his now pleted the race. Training healthy lifestyle. “I had for that was tough [and] just quit smoking. It was completing 8-12 mile runs time for a lifestyle change, several times a week for and I decided I would take training was challenging, up running and see how it both mentally and physitreated me,” he said. cally.” Walter’s struggled, The beginning running like many runners do, to stages are never easy; usunot obsess over the numally, they are quite painful ber of miles run or calories and include body aches, burned. He took a break, shin splints and an overall took to the pool and said it hatred for everything that was “the best idea I’d had isn’t experiencing a simiin a long time.” lar amount of discomfort. Waters completed his Fortunately, these early first half marathon a few setbacks are short-lived. weekends ago and placed For Waters, “I began by ninth in his 22-24 year old running literally ten mindivision with a time of utes a day through the 1:45 minutes. “I am imneighborhood…until I felt mensely proud of myself like I could go at a decent and plan to do some shortpace for at least a half Photo Courtesy of Michelle Wood er races this summer, such hour.” as the Bolder Boulder 10k Carolina Ortega takes a break during the Preventing Water’s perseverance Sexual Assault Awareness Month 5K run. and the occasional 5k here is similar to other running and there,” he explained. recommendations. WhethThere are numerous er you plan on running a 5k, 10k, half marathon or the workout plans students who are interested in getting in Big Kahuna, being able to run for thirty minutes com- shape can follow and break it down based on the defortably is a great start. However, it’s important – if sired racing goal. The Recreation Center also posts a your shoes are more than one year old – to invest in a few training guides on the bulletin board behind the new pair of running shoes before you jump in. Some treadmills. These are broken down based on skill level great specialty stores in Colorado Springs include Col- and are a great way for beginners to find and break into orado Running Company, Boulder Running Company their running stride. and Runner’s Roost. These stores pair your individual While Waters isn’t sure he’ll ever run a full marathon, gait with the perfect shoe. he’s “not ruling it out,” either. Above all else, run for the Depending on your level of seriousness, looking right reasons. Run because it’s a healthy escape from for upcoming races is an important step to take. It’s the daily stress. Run because you love pushing the limone thing to run because you enjoy it, but for anyone its. And most importantly, run because you love it. S
UCCS to host The Decemberists in concert April 16 Avalon Manly firstname.lastname@example.org The Decemberists, an indie folk rock band that has risen in popularity rapidly since their inception more than a decade ago, will be performing at UCCS’ Gallogly Events Center at 7 p.m. on April 16. This concert is the second annual event of its kind at UCCS. Last spring, the rock band 3OH!3 performed at the Four Diamonds complex. The show was halted due to a thunderstorm, which prompted the Office of Student Activities to hold this year’s concert inside at Gallogly. Mitch Karstens, student activities coordinator for the Office of Student Life and Leadership, was quoted in a UCCS press release saying, “It is exciting to have a band of this caliber play UCCS. They’ve got a new album out and there’s talk of them taking a break from recording – this may be one of the last chances to hear them perform live for a very long time.” Tickets are available through Tickets West or any local King Soopers; they range from $15 for UCCS students to $20 for students of other schools and military members to $25 for the general public. The Decemberists most recent album, “The King is Dead,” dropped in January and is their sixth full-
length release. The album reached number one on the U.S. Billboard 200 chart less than a month after its debut; the single “Why We Fight” soon reached number 21 on the U.S. Alternative Songs Chart. The band formed at the turn of the millennium in Portland, Ore., when lead singer Colin Meloy “left his native Montana and his former band Tarkio for the musically emerging Portland scene,” according to the band’s biography on Rolling Stone, “eventually teaming with bassist Nate Query and multi-instrumentalist Jenny Conlin. The addition of guitarist Chris Funk soon followed.” The Decemberists characteristically produce songs that tell intricate, sometimes harsh narratives, tamed into a smooth melody by Meloy’s voice and the band’s calming folk tones. Their songs tend to exhibit scholarly influence, as the band’s members all possess liberal arts educations, and are interspersed with a dry wit that is relatable in spite of its occasional obscurity. Despite several major shifts in label and production, The Decemberists have experienced increasing bouts of success over the years, and now seem to be more popular and well-known than they have ever been. The Scribe attempted to contact The Decemberists for an interview, but none was furnished before press time. S
April 12 to April 18, 2011
Tenth annual UCCS Student Short Film Festival hits UCCS this month Molly Mrazek email@example.com
Image courtesy of eu-es.facebook.com On April 30, The Film Club of UCCS is gearing up to throw its tenth annual UCCS Student Short Film Festival. Beginning at 3 p.m. and hosted by Professor Barry Wurst, UCCS will screen a series of short student-made films. Admission is free and open to the public; there will also be free food and parking. The categories for this year’s festival are: animated short, live-action comedy, live-action drama, documentary, experimental and music video. The film club is currently accepting submissions. A new part the Film Festival this year is the addition of concept art. Concept art is artwork that is part of a film production. This could include storyboards, promo posters, character or location sketches and renderings. Julie Alexander, one of the chairs and community and faculty liaison of the Film club, said “We want to give filmmakers a chance to show off some of their visions from various film productions, and show the community part of what goes into film art design.” The concept art will be on display in the lobby of Dwire Hall during the festival. According to Alexander, the art can be from complete or incomplete films and involve both artists and filmmakers. After the screening of the films, an intermission will take place where votes will be cast for the Audience Choice Award, and the audience can enjoy a free buffet dinner. After dinner, there will be a ceremony with prominent members of the UCCS community presenting awards to the winners each category. The audience will get to vote to choose the best entry in each category. Kevin Beechwood, last year’s winner for Best Animated Short for “Tomato, Potato” and Best Experimental Short for “Shadows of the Bacchae,” is submitting two music videos of which he is very proud. Beechwood produced and assistant-directed “Amy,” by We Shot the Moon, and “The Fallout,” by The Epilogues and directed by Dillon Novak. There should also be one or two music videos premiering at the festival by a band called Deuce. Those music videos are for songs “Heaven Help Us” and “It’s Your Call.” They are directed by Austin Richmond, who is a member of the band, along with Jonathan Carpenter. Beechwood says of the film projects being submitted, “People have been involved in these projects for at least a year now.” UCCS has experienced great success with the film fest in past years; a piece by student Sarah Lotfi, called “The Last Bogatyr,” was nominated for the 2010 Student Academy Awards, which, according to Beechwood, is nearly as prestigious as the actual Academy Awards. Beechwood gives a lot of credit to Professor Robert von Dassanowsky, who started the film festival at UCCS. “He is an ever-supportive, progressive teacher. Head of film studies. He is the driving force behind all this.” Many of the submissions will be from von Dassanowsky’s Advanced Video Production class. According to Beechwood, “This year promises to be the best yet. It’s definitely worthy of the tenth anniversary of the Film Festival.” S
April 12 to April 18, 2011
Roller coaster season continues to follow UCCS club soccer team Ryan Piechowski firstname.lastname@example.org
As the UCCS club soccer team traverses deeper into their inaugural season, they have continued to experience both highs and lows, all the while, trying to find their competitive niche. The newly formed squad has gone through the rigorous process of establishing themselves as a contender in their division, the Colorado Springs Adult Soccer League Men’s Division; the team is sitting, respectably, at 1-1 in league play but has experienced several tough losses in “friendlies” (scrimmages or official games that don’t count) and games outside of their division. The men started off the year on a high note, beating last year’s division champs, Front Range, 3-2 in a match that came down to the final 10 minutes. Bryan Stoeber, a former UCCS varsity soccer player and the club team’s leading goal scorer so far this season, put the team on his back by scoring two goals in a back and forth game. Stoeber’s second goal of the match came with eight minutes remaining and would prove to be the game winner as the Mountain Lions held on to their one goal lead to defeat the reigning division champs. Jeff Poburka, also a former member of the UCCS men’s Photo courtesy of aasupirates.com soccer team, assisted on both of Stoeber’s goals. “The win against Front Range was a huge boost for our The UCCS club soccer team is 1-1 in division play and aim to continue finding their niche as the season team,” mentioned Stoeber, “It helped give the team a lot of progresses forward, allowing for a more complete, cohesive, team chemistry. confidence and showed us all that we can play with some of “Almost our entire team is made up of guys who have never played together,” the best teams out there.” shared Poburka, who now retains head coaching duties after a severely broken nose After experiencing the victory against the defending champs, the club team finds in a practice game left him out for the remainder of the season, “No one expected itself in a bit of a rut. Their lone division loss came at the hands of the River Runthis team to come together and dominate from the start. It’s going to take some time ners which was a 3-1 defeat. Stoeber, who once again took charge of the offense, and building chemistry for this coming fall season is a big priority.” scored the team’s only goal. The club team will continue their spring season in hopes of developing maturely This young roster has faced several good teams in practice games that have hampered the team’s progression; a couple of blowouts have set the team back a bit but for the coming fall semester where they will receive even more recognition from the university, as a whole. the energy and determination of the club has yet to waiver. Until then, the young squad will continue to use this spring season as a chance to Despite the team’s youth and lack of consistent practice sessions to build comesh as a unit and with consistent practices and a solidified game rotation, the sky hesive chemistry, the men still believe they have what it takes to compete in their is the limit for the UCCS club soccer team. S tough division.
Solid weekend leads to three crucial wins for UCCS softball team Ryan Adams
email@example.com Over the weekend of April 9, head coach Scott Peterson and the UCCS women’s softball team won three of four pivotal games against conference rival CSUPueblo and a tough New Mexico Highlands team. The lady Mountain Lions played in a weekend “POD” series, a system developed by the RMAC to cut down on costs a bit. The distinct series involves four teams at one location over the weekend and three out of the four end up playing each other. Along with UCCS, CSU-Pueblo, and New Mexico Highlands was fellow RMAC competitor Chadron State, who the Mountain Lions didn’t play this weekend but will play next week. UCCS got off to a great start Friday with a solid win that enabled them to clinch the 2010-11 Steel & Silver Series, which is the annual competition with fierce rival CSU-Pueblo. UCCS needed just one point to clinch the series as they had a sizable 22-10 lead over the Thunderwolves. Sophomore Erin Milburn’s walk-off homer in the final inning of the opener gave the Mountain Lions a 3-2 victory and the point they needed to retain the Series’ Ent Federal Credit Union Trophy. The Mountain Lions were close to sweeping Friday’s doubleheader but the Thunderwolves rallied in the last couple innings to pull away with a 5-2 victory. However, the Mountain Lions did not let that discourage them as they swept the New Mexico Highlands Cowgirls out of Colorado Springs with two victories; 5-1 in the first game and 10-8 in the second. The first match was headlined by junior Christina Blanton’s grand slam while the second belonged to freshman Jessica Belsterling, who drove in five runs to lead the Mountain Lions to victory. Both ladies finished with six RBI’s apiece after Saturday, while sophomores Erin Milburn, Landry Davis, and Marissa Wallace each
had three hits. The team sported orange jerseys on Saturday to promote Leukemia awareness and support junior Becca Smith’s brother, Brett, who was recently diagnosed with the condition. Despite a sporadic season of highs and lows, UCCS has come out on top as a tough, competitive squad in the conference this year. “This is a big turning point of the season and was a big weekend for all four teams,” said Coach Scott Peterson. “We have had a lot of injuries this season, which we did not expect when we started. We have
lost five starters throughout, but I think we have done a good job battling through it and be the best players and individuals we can be.” In order for the Mountain Lions to make the playoffs, the team has to play better and better each week, and Peterson feels they can do that as they currently hold a 15-21 record, overall, with a respectable 12-15 conference record. “ The kids work hard every practice, are great students, and we have a great team chemistry so I think that we will continue to battle and play our best the next three weeks,” concluded Peterson. S
Photo Courtesy of gomountainlions.com
The lady Mountain Lions sported bright orange jerseys on Saturday, April 9 to promote Leukemia awareness and support junior Becca Smith’s brother, Brett, who was recently diagnosed with the condition.
April 12 to April 18, 2011
‘CU-Springs’ claimed school’s first ever Rocky Mountain Athletic Conference title in a previous life: Women’s Tennis Alex Cramer firstname.lastname@example.org As Nebraska-Kearny sits atop the Rocky Mountain Athletic Conference in women’s tennis this spring, UCCS may be left to question why they’re not in the same demographic of conversation, anymore. After all, UCCS or “CUSprings” as the school was formally known, won the school’s first ever RMAC championship by way of women’s tennis in 1999. Since then, the men’s golf team (2000, 2003, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009) and women’s softball team (2004) are the only other teams with RMAC conference championships. The 1999 women’s tennis team has another distinction besides being the first team to win the RMAC – they were also the most unlikely. UCCS managed to lose every conference match-up that regular season,w leaving them an underwhelming 0-7 going into the end of the season tournament, which was held in Colorado Springs. “We were just so young and inexperienced that a lot of the teams beat us pretty good. But as we went along we got a lot better, all the freshman needed was match play and it just sort of all came together that day,” said former coach Jerry Cross. Leading the way for the Mountain Lions that spring was RMAC freshman of the year, Michelle Mathiesen. As the number one singles player, Mathiesen was counted on to lead by example for UCCS. “Michelle was our number one singles player. It really sets the tone if your number one player can just go out and take care of business; everybody else sees that. She was the most talented player I coached [at UCCS],” said Cross. A tremendous athlete in multiple arenas, Mathiesen doubled as a basketball standout for the lady Mountain Lions during the winter. She averaged 5.3 points and 3.6 re-
Photo courtesy of mbuspartans.com
The former 1999 lady Mountain Lion’s tennis team was the first squad to ever secure a Rocky Mountain Athletic Conference (RMAC) championship for UCCS. Despite the tennis program being cut since then, that team bears a special place in UCCS athletics history.
bounds per game on the hardwood her senior year. Unlike a traditional Division II athletic team, UCCS boosted its own team grandmother, sophomore Chris Good. Playing college tennis at the ripe age of 50 years old, Good was far from the “traditional college student.” None of that, however, managed to stop her as she held down the number three singles spot on a conference champion tennis team. “It was an interesting dynamic having Chris on the team. You’d go to matches and you’d see her warming up and the other team would think
maybe she’s an assistant coach and then you do the lineups and she’s standing right there with all the other players,” said Cross. While college basketball’s March Madness may go for weeks, the lady Mountain Lions won the RMAC women’s tennis crown in less than 24 hours that spring afternoon. “We played three matches, we started early in the morning and I want to say the last match got off right about midnight,” said Cross. “It was a very long day and we were fortunate enough that we played really well that day, and we won the first match and just sort
of rolled from there. All three teams we beat had beaten us during the season.” Back-to-back weeks of bad weather pushed the tournament start date back and changed the location to the indoor confines to the Air Force Academy. The date change turned out to be a blessing in disguise for the eventual champion Mountain Lions, as Southern Colorado (now CSU-Pueblo) didn’t have their top player that weekend. The disadvantage didn’t phase Southern Colorado in the initial rounds as they climbed their way to a finals match-up against UCCS.
Coach Cross went on to be named RMAC Coach of the Year in 1999 due almost entirely to the inspiring run of 11 seasons ago and like all good coaches, Cross credited his players for the success. “It was a real good group to work with, they were easy, they listened, they got better every day and they really wanted to work. It was tough going through, going winless during the conference regular season but they just wanted to work hard and just get better. We had a good time traveling on the road and they all seemed to get along, which is one thing I really remember.” S
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April 12 to April 18, 2011
One drawback of military towns, life
Stephen Farrell email@example.com So the other day I’m walking through the University Center parking lot and see a sticker on the back of a car that says, “I love my soldier.” I then see a girl that could not have been more than 21-22 years old emerging from the car. From the looks of it, this girl is most likely married. And clearly she was married at a very young age to an equally young man. Yes, our military service members are the very symbol of integrity, honor and loyalty, but the marriages often times are not. And so you have it, another young female who threw herself into a lifestyle she knows little to nothing about. Hate to say it, but I know the story all too well. Having served 4 years in the Marine Corps, I myself have seen more military marriage shenanigans than I would like to admit. They all seem to have one thing in common: confusion.
They begin and end way too quickly, and after it’s all said and done, both of them are right back where they started. The guy goes about life as usual with training and deployments and such, and the girl finds herself in the same shoddy bars and clubs where she originally met her ex-husband. Sadly, sometimes this happens even before the marriage is over. Why? Well, because they both thought they had life and love figured out, when they didn’t. Unfortunately, in a military town such as Colorado Springs, this is a vicious cycle. I see it when I’m in line at a movie theater and I hear some 18-19 year old girl – wearing a U.S Army Wife sweat shirt – proudly showing off her new wedding ring. This is usually done loudly enough for everyone to hear, too. I also see its destructiveness when I hear one of my friends brag about how many military wives he’s slept with while their husbands were deployed. I know it when I learn that another female classmate is divorcing their Army/Air Force husband of no more than two years. Even worse, many of these young women go on to accomplish little more than having a lot of babies, cleaning their houses and frequenting the local bars and nightclubs while their husbands are deployed. An entire sub-culture of these
women/girls exist in this town, and other military towns for that matter. Many of them even try to make some kind of glorified title of it via a sticker or sweat shirts. It’s as if they think they deserve the same recognition their husbands do. It’s ridiculous. And it should offend the millions of decent young women who work hard and struggle to make a name for themselves. It’s one thing for a woman to want to be a homemaker; however, for those who detest the domestic lifestyle, it shouldn’t be viewed as a character flaw. Now I realize that this does not apply to all young military marriages. I have seen a few of them succeed and stay faithful. I have seen both spouses educate themselves, and become productive members to society. However, sadly enough, experience also says that very few young couples accomplish such things. Here’s my advice. To the females who think some solider or airman in tight hot pants is the man for her, all I have left to say is this: Living in the moment is important, but when it clouds good judgment, you better duck, because there’s a lot of crap headed your way. Military life is not a fairy tale by any stretch, so be careful before jumping in. S
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When stress makes you yell at old people and cut them off at the grocery store
Jessica Lynch email@example.com At this time of year, if you’re not stressed out, you’re either A.) Smoking too much weed, B.) Not graduating this May or possibly ever or C.) Some sort of superhuman and I think you should become my best friend forever. You see, I’m stressed. I’m so stressed that when I asked
my roommate if the TV was too loud the other night I said it in this nasty, “Oh don’t you dare tell me this is too loud or I’ll slap you” kind of tone. When she agreed that it was, in fact, a bit loud, I snapped. She firmly shut the door without replying. In hindsight, it was a really smart move, because I think I might have done something stupid like throw a tantrum, eat all of her food or throw my shoe at her. Later, as I was sitting on the couch watching “Friends” in black and white (because the TV has decided to go back in time to make us appreciate the wonders of color television) I realized something – I need to freaking relax. Here’s another example. While sitting in the office last week, I called my mom. The reception was terrible, she cut out
a few times and she couldn’t understand anything I was saying. I had to repeat myself at least twice! If that wasn’t horrible enough, when service finally did return, I realized that they were just arriving in Moab for Mesa’s Spring Break. I’d completely forgotten, and it did not make me happy. Sure, I tried to pretend like my world wasn’t completely falling apart and I wasn’t clinging on for dear life to a precipice called job rejection, but it was really hard. I felt these tears of rage well up behind my eye sockets and before I knew it I was choking out incoherent words into the phone. I think those tears came from a very dark place; I’m more or less surprised they weren’t tears of blood. I stormed off to the bathroom in irritation, nearly scared some-
one to death in the stall next to me and cursed at myself under my breath the entire time I peed. I returned to the office only to snap at Avalon because she was talking on the phone “too loudly” for my comfort. I glared angrily at my computer and I mumbled just loud enough to be heard, but not clearly enough to be understood. And then in a grand soap box moment I complained loudly and left the room in a huff. I sat in my car fuming. I was so angry, so peeved at the world. I was freaking stressed. And it was pathetic. You see, I realized, eventually, what was working its way under my skin and making me act irrationally, out of character and like a total lunatic. I need to find a stinking job. The job hunt – in case you weren’t aware – is a viscous,
blood sucking experience not unlike what it feels like to be forced to read or watch anything “Twilight” related. Each rejection is like a back stabbing friend and each email you send out that goes unreturned feels like someone just made you strangle a kitten with your bare hands. They don’t even let you wear gloves! So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to spend fifteen minutes every day sitting in personal time out. This will take place either in my car, on my purple yoga mat with the pretty flowers or on the toilet. I’m going to give myself time to be a big baby. And then I’m going to suck it up, put a smile on my face and continue to apply for jobs as if my life depended on it – because really, it pretty much does. Oh, and by the way, so does yours. Surprise! S
April 12 to April 18, 2011
Customer service is not just a river in Egypt
Cherise Fantus firstname.lastname@example.org Today I had an appointment with my hairdresser. As I arrived at my designated appointment time, I was informed that said hairdresser had called in sick and would not be coming for the appointment. I did not receive a phone call from either her or the salon; I found out only when I showed up for the appointment.
Of course, the receptionist told me that one of the other hairdressers could take my appointment, but that does not make up for the complete disregard for common courtesy, let alone good customer service. They should have called and given me the choice to cancel, reschedule or see one of the other stylists. As a result of their failure, I will not be returning to that salon. Unfortunately, this was not an isolated incident. Customer service and common courtesy seem to be foreign terms these days. Customer Service can be defined as “the commitment to providing value added services to external and internal customers, including attitude knowledge, technical support and quality of service in a timely
manner,” according to customerservicemanager.com. This seems like a simple enough concept, but many people who serve in customer service roles fail to follow through. And we simply don’t expect them to anymore. I find it rather disconcerting when I hear people rave about how great the customer service is at a given place, and come to realize that what seemed so excellent to them was, in fact, what should be expected. A server coming to the table with a smile, bringing food out promptly and checking back frequently should be the standard for customer service. Instead, we likely get a server who finally comes to the table several minutes after we’ve been seated, glumly asks
DEAR DEVI US DU
what we want, brings it out late and never comes back to check on us. I think that’s just pathetic. I have served in several customer service roles. I had days when I didn’t really feel like being nice to people. Since it was my job to be nice, though, I was. Most of the time, being nice would cause people to be nice to me in return. Then, a miraculous thing would happen – it would boost my mood! These days, I generally leave most stores in a bad mood. I don’t expect to receive excellent customer service everywhere I go, but is it too much to ask to get decent customer service at just one place? The reason for the lack of good customer service stems from the decreasing understanding of common courtesy.
According to Emily Post, “Common courtesies are the little gestures that we perform out of respect for others. They can be as simple as holding open a door or letting someone go ahead in a long line, to something as grand as sharing a homemade meal. Most importantly, they are characterized by a specific awareness of our surroundings and how our behaviors may affect those around us.” In our rushed lives, we often fail to do these simple little things. Returning phone calls, responding to text messages or emails, following through on a promised favor and even showing up at a planned meeting seem to be viewed as options these days. I friend of mine posted on Facebook this weekend that he had plans
with two separate friends over the weekend, and neither of them bothered to show up or let him know they weren’t coming. This has happened to me on numerous occasions, and I’d be willing to bet it’s happened to every person reading this at least once. People simply have no consideration for others anymore. It would take two seconds for someone to send a text message saying, “Sorry, I can’t make it.” Though that would require the time to think of another person. I don’t expect everyone to be nice to everyone all the time. It would be nice if they could be nice some of the time, though. And while they’re being nice, maybe they can follow through on some of their promises, too. S
Dear Devious Duo, So I though this boy really liked me. He said he did, he gave me a lot of attention and said he wanted to date me. Then everything just stopped, right out of the blue. I was so confused and it still kind of upsets me sometimes. How do I bounce back from something like that? Why do guys always mess with our emotions?
Aw, yes, us boys are so evil. All we do is go around being completely selfabsorbed and break hearts. Poor you! OK, maybe that was uncalled for. Look, you act like boys are the only heartbreakers, but where do you think we learned it from? We’ve had our fair share of broken hearts, but we are apparently better at bouncing back from it. I mean, how many of these letters do you see guys writing? Wow, still kind of mean. I’m really trying to tone this down a bit, but as one of the “guys that mess with [your] emotions” are you even reading my half of the page? Look, people become disengaged. People lose interest. We are humans, it happens. If you sit around and blame yourself, or worse, blame other people, are you making yourself happy? I doubt it. Which brings us to: RULE ONE: MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY This is a fairly simply rule to follow. Are you happy? If the answer is anything but “yes” then you need to stop what you’re doing and find what will make you happy. The “yes” should come effortlessly, without hesitation. If you have to stumble to find it, then it isn’t really happiness. Don’t lie to yourself; otherwise you’re the only one to blame. To answer your question of bouncing back: Just stop dwelling on it. No, really, it is that simple. Were you guys in love? No? Oh, then you must have been dating for a really long time. Wait…you never dated. Oh, so, then you must have…um… It was a guy you flirted with and he lost interest. Go find another guy and flirt. Trust me, the rush of a new prospect is going to be much more exciting than sitting in your room, blanket wrapped around you writing the Devious Duo a letter. Unless that’s what revs your engines. Sometimes I think Jess writes our letters, if only to read my responses to her. Oh, how she loves that… Sorry, drifted off there for a second. Now stop reading this and go make yourself happy.
Dear Lamenting Lucy, On Sunday I went to church for the first time in … well, quite awhile, apparently. The message was simple, it was straightforward, and by the end of it I felt downright retarded for ever feeling bad for myself. Church seems to have that affect on people. If nothing else, it reminded me that life is bigger than me, it’s bigger than you and by golly and everything is going to be okay! I realize that wasn’t exactly in line with your question, but I planned on writing that regardless of what you asked. And another thing, I’m not going to tell you boys suck. We could go eat a pint of ice cream and complain about how they’ve done us wrong, but I won’t do that either. Instead, here’s a cute little story about how I cried myself to sleep a few nights over an ex-boyfriend, got really angry and then got over it. I was able to move on in part because I read “It’s called a breakup because it’s broken.” It told me to suck it up, stop romanticizing my past relationship and move on. It reminded me that I was a pretty kick ass chick and anyone who didn’t realize that surely didn’t deserve to live in my brain and haunt my every waking moment. Now, it wasn’t easy, but it was sure as hell a lot more productive than being stuck in the past. While I was reading it hit me. I think it hit me so hard I was in a comalike state for a few days. This whole happiness thing, I realized, was in my control. From that day forward I started to make a lot of lists. And on these lists I wrote down things that brought me real joy. I tried to do some of these activities every day. I would set aside 30 minutes or an hour to reading, writing in my blog or attempting to paint a picture composed of super awesome stick figures. And before long, I wasn’t depressed or sad or even confused anymore. I hadn’t sworn off men, but rather, I was optimistic about the future. I had figured myself out. So here’s to you, you really-cool-even-though-I-don’t-know-you-girl; oh, and make good decisions!
Dear Heartbroken Honey,
Have a question about relationships, love or...sex? Email your query to the Devious Duo at email@example.com.
“Still, if a statement cannot reasonably be interpreted to be one of express or implied fact, it cannot be libelous. This means that humor columns, spoofs, cartoons and satire are protected as long as readers understand that the material is not intended to be taken seriously.” -Student Press Law Center
UCCS pledges to help find missing tortoise Butti, a thirteen-year-old Indian star tortoise, was firstname.lastname@example.org abducted from the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo late last month. Butti was last seen on Sunday, March 27 around 4:30 p.m. at The Loft, a popular hands-on exhibit where visitors can handle him and his brother, Tutti. Zookeepers think Butti was taken due to his small size and are concerned about Butti’s disappearance because he requires a special diet. In light of Butti’s abduction, UCCS has partnered with the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo to investigate the tortoise’s disappearance. UCCS administration has informed faculty and staff to keep an eye out for any suspicious activity around campus. Safety precautions, including mandatory backpack checks and weekly dorm sweeps, have started this month to ensure students are not keeping Butti hostage. “Our priority is to find Butti and ensure his safe return to the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo,” stated the UCCS Department of Public Safety in a news release. “It is our hope that the culprit will be brought to justice. No one takes a
The news in brief Student wets bed; loses friends
A bedwetter was identified at UCCS last week. Junior Patrick Hasler has been wetting the bed since he was out of diapers. The bedwetter’s roommate, John Burton, finally came forward after months of keeping the secret. “I wanted to keep his secret, but I just couldn’t live with it anymore,” said Burton. The news quickly spread across campus, and Hasler has since lost all of his friends. “It was hard to hide it. I wet my bed every night, and that makes it really hard to get a girlfriend. Nobody likes to sleep in someone else’s pee,” said Hasler. School administration is discussing whether he will be allowed to stay in the dorms for the remainder of the semester, considering the rising prices of flimsy, narrow mattresses. S
Clyde’s serves five-year-old Clyde’s has been shut down temporarily after they were caught serving alcohol to minors this weekend. Police were alerted after somebody saw a girl who was obviously not 21 drinking a beer. “She had a drivers license that said she was 21. It looked valid,” said Clyde’s employee Brad Idiom. The minor was identified as the five-yearold daughter of history professor Leslie Negligant. The Clyde’s employee has been fired. “Who is really dumb enough to think a five-year-old is 21?” commented Police Chief Tim Rice. S
Fondue forces residents out of Alpine Village
The third floor of the Crestone building in Alpine Village is completely covered in chocolate and cheese after a fondue party debacle on Saturday night. Some residents decided to have a girls’ night that involved making and eating several varieties of fondue and drinking cheap wine. Once they were all hopped up on chocolate and had maybe a few too many glasses of wine, they decided it would be a great idea to share with their floor. Skipping through the halls, they tossed fondue to their neighbors. Unbeknownst to them, fondue is not a tossable treat. Residents of the floor have been temporarily displaced while cleanup efforts are underway. S
Overly sweaty student weirds out classmates Last week a UCCS student, who wishes to remain unnamed, visited the Health Center after expressing concerns about abnormal glandular activity. “She was just sitting there in her tank top and it was literally dripping down her arms onto the floor. One boy in our class slipped in it and hit his head on the desk,” explained Justine Smellstur. The girl’s sweat is said to trail behind her like a cape, said one uncomfortable professor. Rumor has it the nervous wreck is in one of his classes next semester. The latest diagnosis reveals she suffers from “freaked the hell out” syndrome. Some say she’s even afraid of rabbits.
tortoise away from his brother without consequence.” Some students have not responded well to the controversial new measures. UCCS freshman Justin Case explained that he was stopped for questioning by a resident attendant when he tried to bring his lunch back to his room. “I bought a big salad from The Lodge and couldn’t finish it, so I took it back with me. I figured I could eat the rest while I studied,” explained Case. “But the attendant stopped me and she was like, ‘What are you planning on doing with all that lettuce?’” Case’s answer did not satisfy the attendant and his dorm was subsequently checked. “I think she thought I was going to feed the rest of my salad to that tortoise or something. The whole thing was ridiculous,” Case said. Although a student bringing back food to the dorms is a regular occurrence, Case claimed that the attendant was highly suspicious of him because “not many dudes eat salads.” UCCS administration stated that the dorm sweeps would not stop until Butti has been reunited with his brother Tutti, who has refused to make a statement or come out of his shell since the incident. S
things you don’t remember from spring break
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Making out with your best friend.
Making out with your best friend’s brother.
Dyeing your hair green.
Selling your kidney in Mexico.
Buying a pet midget.
Where you left your dignity.
Getting your mom’s name tatooed on your butt.
Getting arrested for stealing a Mexican baby.
Getting robbed by a transvestite prostitute.
Making out with your mom.
Photo courtesy of cheyennemountainzoo. blogspot.com ‘Do you feel lucky, punk? Well? Do ya?’
Professor found passedout in classroom wearing only a Speedo Marguerite Breedeen
email@example.com UCCS’ favorite chemistry professor Erik Vandelhouselhorf was found passed out wearing a Speedo in a Centennial Hall classroom the Monday after Spring Break. During the break, Vandelhouselhorf skipped a visit to renowned chemist Michael Faraday’s home in England to do some of his own research regarding college students and alcohol’s affect on the brains. It’s a topic he had expressed much interest in for nearly twenty years. Vandelhouselhorf took off to South Padre Island, Texas, leaving his wife Wendy to take their children to Disney World alone. What started as promising research, quickly backfired, as Vandelhouselhorf became highly intoxicated. He decided to relax with a piña colada during his research. Before he knew it he was downing shots, screwdrivers and strawberry daiquiris with the students he was meant to be studying. He spent the rest of his trip reliving his college days. He drank copiously, attended wet T-shirt contests and joined hundreds of wild, intoxicated col-
lege students in their massive conga line along the beach. When Wendy returned from Disney World with the couple’s two young children, she discovered that Vandelhouselhorf, who was to have returned the day before, was still in Texas, refusing to return home and forcing his wife to go get him. Upon arrival, Wendy found her husband at the pool with a piña colada in one hand and a banana daquiri in the other. In disgust, Wendy dragged her husband away by one foot and flew back to Colorado Springs. He continued drinking for the duration of the plane ride and into the following night. At around 3 a.m., Vandelhouseldorf decided he needed to get some work done and headed to campus. When students arrived at his 8 a.m. biochemistry class Monday morning, they found him passed out on the floor, wearing nothing but his Speedo. When they were finally able to revive him, he looked around and realized that the students in his classroom were all students he had thoughtlessly partied with at the beach. He left in embarrassment and nobody knows when or if he will return. S
nothing like a piece of bacon, to keep my fanny jigglin’ & shakin’! joanie t. - black creek, wi
1035 GARDEN OF THE GODS RD. 719.590.SUBS
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