The Chronicle- April 1, 2012

April 1, 2012

Occasionally using our critical lens to focus scorching rays of satire

College to Build New Parking Lot

By PONTOFFEL POCK Raconteur Extraordinaire Students who enjoy spending warm weather months on the campus green may want to start looking for a new place to have fun. The Monocle has learned that the College of Saint Rose is awaiting final city approval on the construction of a new parking lot upon what is currently the campus green. The lot, which contains space for approximately 150 cars, will cost approximately $500,000 and will be completed in time for the fall semester.

Officials declined comment on the report, but internal memos suggest administrators decided to move forward with the lot after being unable to find parking and having to circle the St. Vincent’s lot for three months. Although previous attempts to erect new lots were met with stiff opposition from Pine Hills residents, the college alleviated their concerns by establishing a microclimate relief fund. Documents obtained

by The Monocle also show that the parking lot will be paid for by yet another increase in your tuition for the 2012-2013 school year.

News of the green’s demise was met with mixed reaction from residents. Steve Albelin, a sophomore and resident of Lima Hall, said he was very upset by the prospect of losing the campus

green. “I play acoustic guitar a lot, and the campus green is one of my favorite places to work on songs. There’s a lot of people that pass by, and it gives me a great chance to promote my new album and upcoming shows.”

Others were not as dismayed.

“You mean Steve Albelin won’t be able to play anymore? Pave, baby, pave,” said Maria Mackenzie, a junior and friend of Albelin. “The campus green attracts the worst kind of people—kids, couples, professors, cyclists, artists, stupidheads, jugglers, crum bums, dweebs, lax bros—you name it and they’re on the green.

The sooner we can get them away from such a prominent location, the better.”

Plans are for the lot to contain parking for faculty and residents, paving the way for new commuter parking near Brubacher Hall. Erin Lambert, a commuter student, was pleased to learn about the new lot, saying, “I’m really glad to hear that the school is building a new lot. It’s so difficult to find parking before classes now and—wait, they’re making us park out at Bru? That makes about as much sense as inviting a commencement speaker famous for firing teachers to a college known for its education programs.”

The campus green has a storied Continued on page A3

News & Features In Brief: Break-in befuddles authorities— “They took everything–the orange suspenders, my favorite jumpsuit...” For more info, see page A2 Close living conditions cause entire population of Saint Rose females to PMS in unison; male students evacuated until further notice. See page A4

www.strosemonocle.com

Volume LXXX Issue 28

Smokers’ Consensus: Crows in Cahoots with College

By NORB MATTHIESSON Speculative Editor The crows. Widely accepted-and disparaged--by both the college and city populace as being self-centered pests, who only have their own survival at

heart, and who have the annoying habits of flocking in the thousands and excreting. There have been recent murmurings among the smoking population on campus that the crows’ interests may not be wholly species-centric.

“It’s like they know I’m a

Arts & Opinion

New guest columnist reviews the reviewer.

“Having heard much about this ‘Rachel Bolton,’ I thought she would be a more interesting subject to review.” Find out more on page B7 Games can be found on page C8. MORE games can be found on page C9. See pages C8 and C9

smoker, they’ve got my car marked. I mean, I come back after EPY and it’s like they’ve turned my pretty little blue car white. Bunch of h**bags,” said Sarah Marins, a commuter, Continued on page A2

Sports Saint Rose athletics to move to Division I, chance to compete with Syracuse University for real. See page D11 Quidditch to be the seventeenth sports team sponsored by the College of Saint Rose.

See page D12

A2

News

The Monocle

In Brief Break-In Befuddles Authorities

By NORB MATTHIESSON Speculative Editor An apartment located along Myrtle Avenue was reportedly broken into on Sunday, according to a spokesperson for the Pine Hills police department.

The second floor apartment at 372 Myrtle is the residence of Timothy McCallister and John Hopkins, Jr., both students at local colleges. McCallister found his door unlocked upon returning to his apartment Sunday night. He had left earlier that day. As such, it would appear that the break in occurred sometime Sunday afternoon.

According to McCallister, the only items missing from his home were his clothing. “They took everything–the orange suspenders, my favorite jumpsuit, the pink paisley shirt my first girlfriend gave me, my favorite pair of wooden clogs, and the furry vest I hardly ever wear.” McCallister is confounded as to why the thieves only chose to take his wardrobe, and not his XBOX 360, or his

new television. “What would they want with all of that stuff?

Who else wears orange suspenders? And why did they only take the clothing. Honestly, I’m a little scared.”

Agatha Tinachotzsky, the landlord and retiree who occupies the first floor apartment, had some words to share about the incident

“They took everything–the orange suspenders, my favorite jumpsuit, the pink paisley shirt…”

Timothy McCallister and her tenant. “I mean, he’s a tad odd, what with wearing that jumpsuit some days and those flared jeans other days. I thought flared jeans were a thing only young ladies wore these days.”

“I don’t know why. I mean,

why would someone want his clothes? That’s just a little troubling. Am I next?” said Hopkins, McCallister’s friend and roommate.

What has the authorities further perplexed is that, in place of McCallister’s clothing, a new set was left behind. The clothing, largely composed of wool socks, skinny trousers, slouchy hats and dress shirts, is all in McCallister’s sizes.

Authorities would like to question a trio of young caucasian men in their early twenties.

The men were seen exiting the premises late Sunday afternoon, before mounting three vintage Schwinn bikes, which appeared to have been single speed conversions. They were wearing matching v-neck shirts, moccasins, and tight black pants.

“It’s awful, everything they gave me is in style. It’s like they’re trying to change me. I don’t want to be one of them! I don’t want to conform to their neo-vintage standards! I won’t do it!”

April 1, 2012

Volume 80 Issue 28

Arrests Made on Campus

By ZACHARY OLSAVICKY Ass. to the General Manager Albany police arrested a pair of trees on Saturday on counts of lewd acts in a public place Saturday.

Police were called to the Huber School of Business after residents complained of a foul odor in the air. Upon arrival, police discovered the pyrus calleryana in the midst of a reproductive act, with the scent of pollen raft in the air. The trees declined comment to the police, which prompted

the police to pat the trees down.

Upon completing the patdown, the trees attempted to evade the police, which led to a footrace that ended near the corner of Hamilton and Yates streets. Upon subduing the trees, police charged the calleryana with Lewd Acts in Public, a Class G misdemeanor punishable by up to 90 days of community service. Police took the trees to Albany County Court for impounding, where they were transferred to the Albany County Landfill for arraignment.

Gang Beat

By TAYLOR MERRIHEW Contributing Writer A gang of ducks bullied the gaggle of Crips on the corner of Lake and City Street.

Gang signs and three-toedweb-feet were flashed and raised high into the air between uppercuts, chop-shots, bites, nibbles, and hay-makers.

There were no survivors.

Blood splattered, glistened, and

squirted here and there.

Bills were scattered everywhere. Molted feathers and royal blue bandanas littered the crime scene.

Only pieces and scraps remained. They fluttered to the pavement, soon consumed by the witnesses: the seagull scavengers and the hungry homeless.

Ducklings and thuglets waited after school but were never picked up.

Smokers’ Concensus (cont.)

Continued from page A1 retaining wall outside the EAC near the gazebo, watching a puff of cigarette smoke waft away on a late March breeze.

After quietly listening to a query about his thoughts on the crows possible collusions, his eyes dart furtively. Hesitating just a moment he then drops the cigarette in hand, mashes it underfoot, and then heads inside, motioning the questioner behind him. Behind the safety of the paned glass doors he says, “I didn’t see any, but you can never be too careful.”

“Didn’t see any...?” asks the questioner.

“Crows, man, crows! I’m telling you, they’re in the prez’s pocket,” LaRoy said. He proceeded to outline an elaborate scheme in which the local murder does

the bidding of the college president and his lackeys. According to LaRoy, the crows tendency to defecate on the local populace— and their cars—is anything but random.

“Ahh! You might think that they s**t on everyone equally!

But no, that’s just to throw you off track. They may s**t on everyone occasionally, but they s**t on smokers especially,” LaRoy said.

“They’re smart; if they see you smoking once, they’ve got you marked. You want to walk over to Albertus to class? Better run!”

As proof that the college and the crows are colluding, LaRoy cites the recent institution of the tobacco free campus policies: “As if crows weren’t enough, the college will ticket you if the crows don’t mark you.”

The murder’s spokescrow was not forthcoming about the crow’s collusion with the college. When questioned as to whether her mur-

“I did not contribute a quote to this story.”

President Barack Obama der had been party to enforcing college tobacco-free policies, she bobbed her head, but would not elaborate any further; instead, she proceeded to take a drink from a muddy puddle. The interview ended rather abruptly when the spokescrow spotted a wayward french fry.

As to the manner by which the

crows may have been brought into the college’s service, there are many theories. “Yeah, so they’re, like, paid with fries.

It’s like ‘You prove you poo’d a smoker and we’ll spill a bag of french fries in the Lally lot,’” said Joyce McCallahan, a resident director in Millennium Hall and experienced smoker.

Others were not so convinced the crows needed any such special barter system. “They were totally asked by the college to do it.

Really, they were,” said student Eliza Parker, a commuter. “And the crows totally went for it. It’s something they did already on accident, but now all they needed to do was point, aim, splat! No biggie, and I bet it’s kind of fun.”

Parker claimed knowledge of the crows intents because she has “friends that smoke.”

Of course, there are also certain parties on campus who are not convinced that the crows are in the enforcement branch of the higher education tree, or that crows have the slightest interest in humanity, except, perhaps in the free meals humanity leaves. “[Crows] do it ‘cause its what they do. I don’t know what all of them are talking about. They s**t on you cause they have to s**t.

If you happen to be under them when they do it...oh well. I don’t know where people get these ideas in their heads,” said student Shayna Smith, who is a work study in the Office to Aid Alumni English Majors Without Employment. “All that smoke they’ve been inhaling must be going to their heads and making things a little muddy up there,” she added.

April 1, 2012

News

Volume 80 Issue 28

New Parking Lot (cont.)

Continued from page A1 tradition at Saint Rose. It was host to the school’s first commencement ceremony in 1923 before the school relocated the ceremony to the Port of Albany, citing increased capacity. The campus green went on to see other milestones like the first Rose Rock concert in 1984, where bands like the Grateful Dead, the Rutles, and Bruce Hornsby and the Range did not play, and the historic 1997 intramural flag football championship game between the Muffed Punters and Deep Penetration, where Deep Penetration pulled out a thrilling 63-56 in triple overtime.

“I will never forget that game,” said winning quarterback Sean Avery, who won team MVP honors with a 43-for-55 and 5 TD

performance. “I have so many great memories from that year.

Partying, cutting class, partying– I did it all, man. Saint Rose for life!,” he added, yelling from the

“The campus green attracts the worst kind of people—kids, couples, professors, jugglers, cyclists, artists, stupidheads, crum bums, dweebs, lax bros—you name it and they’re on the green.”

Maria Mackenzie balcony of his Hamilton Street apartment to the crowd of nobody passing by.

Students are already form-

Calendar of (Real) Events

ing contingency plans. Albelin said he was looking to move to the quad near Brubacher Hall, saying, “The UAlbany girls are always more fond of my music anyways. I doubt it has anything to do with their levels of intelligence relative to those of Saint Rose students.”

Mackenzie also discussed the Brubacher quad as a possible landing spot, but recanted upon learning that Albelin is considering the location as well. “You win this round, Albelin. You win this round.”

Still, the overriding feeling was one of shock. Saint Rose senior Ford Prefect was taken aback by the news. “I can’t believe the school would do something like this. It sounds like some kind of sick prank.”

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Tuesday, April 3 3 p.m. Softball vs. New Haven Plumeri 3:30 p.m. Baseball vs. LeMoyne Plumeri 4:30 p.m. SA Meeting Lally Carondelet Symposium 5 p.m. Karate Club Lima Basment 6 p.m. - 7:30 p.m. Problems Encountered by New Teachers

with Dr. Pfister Albertus 216 6 p.m. - 7 p.m. Room Res Roommate Wanted Social Main Lounge 6:30 p.m. Imagined Nationalities: A reading from The Codeswitchers by Dr. Shavers Carondelet Symposium, Lally 7 p.m. Knight Skills Moran Hall 7 p.m. SEB Meeting St. Joseph Hall 7 p.m. Adventure Club Lima Basement 8 p.m. SADD Meeting Main Lounge 8:15 p.m. CEC Professional Development Meeting Moran Hall 8:30 p.m. Annual English Dept. Symposium Standish Dining Rooms 8:30 p.m. Environmental Club Meeting Lima Basement 9:30 p.m. Guided Meditation Hubbard Sanctuary Wednesday, April 4 10 a.m. - 3 p.m. Prentice Hall Book Fair Lally, 2nd Floor Balcony 1 p.m. Chicago Style Workshop Academic Support Center 4:30 p.m. Chronicle Meeting CCIM Rm 121 5 p.m. Weekly Mass Hubbard Sanctuary 6 p.m. - 7 p.m. Room Res Roommate Wanted Social Main Lounge 6 p.m. Artist Abelardo Morell St. Joseph Hall 7 p.m. Rose Rock Committee Meeting Lima Basement 7 p.m. BASIC Meeting Hubbard Sanctuary 7 p.m. Lacrosse vs. Mercy Plumeri 7:30 p.m. Chick Corea - Solo Piano Concert Massry 8 p.m. Theatre Guild Main Lounge Thursday, April 5 2 p.m. APA Style Workshop Academic Support Center 6 p.m. MAPS Meeting ALB 110 7:15 p.m. MEISA Meeting CCIM Projection Room 7:30 p.m. Identity Meeting Lima Basement Friday, April 6 Saturday, April 7 Sunday, April 8 Monday, April 9 1 p.m. Baseball vs. Concordia Plumeri 6 p.m. English Club Meeting Library 7 p.m. CEC Community Involvement Meeting Lima Basement 7 p.m. Knight Skills Moran Hall 8 p.m. CEC Meeting Lima Basement 8 p.m. Outside the [BOX] ALB 211 If you have an upcoming event you would like to see in our weekly Calendar of Events please e-mail monocle@strose.edu.

Staff Writers (cont.)

Faculty Adviser David LeBlanc Cailin Brown Michael Smith Photographer Joshua Natoli Kelly Pfeister Rachel Bolton pfeisterk953@strose.edu Meghan O’Connor Jaired Crofut Videographer Asia Ewart John Janitz Theresa Taylor janitzj140@strose.edu Lauren Halligan Staff Writers John Slagg Vincent Gabrielle Sam Maxwell Matthew Woods TG Branfalt Jr.

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Close Living Conditions Cause Entire Population of Saint Rose Females to PMS in Unison; Male Students Evacuated Until Further Notice

By EMILY PEREZ Women’s Initiative A lone, empty carton of Ben and Jerry’s ominously rolling down the steps of Saint Joe’s was the only remnant of the carnage on Saturday.

Experts are unsure of exactly how the phenomenon occurred, yet it appears that a combination of pheromones and the full moon caused the menstrual cycle of all female residents to sync up on the same day last week. Taking their cue from a number of zombie apocalypse films, security officials evacuated all male students to a heavily barricaded Morris Hall. An employee of Residence Life confided, “We have enough Mountain Dew Code Red and Call of Duty to last our boys until the end of this disaster. Student safety is paramount here.”

Meanwhile, back on campus an eerie silence pervaded the atmosphere. The Camelot Room was ravaged, freezer doors hung off their hinges and not a single overpriced carton of Zuzzy’s Cookie Dough remained to be seen. An expert explained, “We anticipated this occurrence, and made pleas to several local cable channels weeks in advance. It appears that our efforts have paid off. Currently, all female students are in their rooms watching a marathon of Miss Congeniality, Save the Last Dance, The Princess Diaries, and Mamma Mia.” Unfortunately, all great marathons must come to an end. By 8 p.m. girls were again roaming the campus searching for a way to vent their uncontrollable aggression. They found it upon spotting That Guy Who Never Shuts Up In Political Science Class making a run for it to pick up Chinese takeout. Reached

for comment at Albany Medical Center, That Guy noted, “I don’t understand. All I said was that I can see where Rush Limbaugh was coming from with that slut comment.”

By 9 p.m., all female students had assembled on the quad for a venting session. A large bonfire was started in the center of the space, and anyone who had something to get off her chest could throw an item into the flames. Saint Rose gym packets were the first to be consumed in the conflagration, Chris Brown albums and the sticks of several lax bro ex-boyfriends soon followed. After the session, the girls linked hands and sat down Indian style on the ground. Midol and tissues were distributed freely as all mutually reassured each other that the bloating would go away soon and it’s okay to just chill and wear sweatpants every now and then. After a massive late night pizza delivery, an impromptu coffee house style open mic began.

Miraculously, as The Girls Next Door sang the first notes of Ego, national recording artists Sarah McLachlan, Jewel, Fiona Apple, Four Non Blondes, and the Dixie Chicks emerged from the EAC to join them in a show of solidarity with the power of womanhood.

For those seeking to better understand the incident, tapes recorded from this event are now scheduled to play on the Saint Rose Network for the next 800 consecutive days. In addition, a SyFy Channel film entitled “Predatory Maneating Savages, or PMS” is already in production.

Surveying the scene from a safe distance, a male APD officer stated, “It’s hard to see from this helicopter, but I think the worst might be over. We did it. We survived.”

News

April 1, 2012

Volume 80 Issue 28

Last Original Thought Thunk ‘Final Thought Event’ occurs in Lahore, Pakistan

By NORB MATTHIESSON Speculative Editor The event dreaded by innumerable artists and writers for centuries has finally occurred— the very last original thought has been thunk.

Scientists from the former Institute for Creative Thought at the University of Northumbridge, Wales, in coalition with a team from The College of Saint Rose in Albany, New York, have been tracking the gradual decrease in original thought production over the past decade. They have found conclusive evidence the last thought was thunk at 1:03:09 p.m. approximately 31.47 degrees north of the Equator and 74.27 degrees east of the Prime Meridian. The scientists stated that they had also ascertained two words associated with what they refer to as the Final Thought Event.

“All we know is that it has something to do with ‘golden arch,’” said the dour Dr. Yi Pi, an Albany-based scientist working on the project. “We’ve known this day was coming for a long time, but were never sure when.”

Reporters from this publication tracked down the creator of the Final Thought Event. The coordinates led them to a fast food restaurant in Lahore, Pakistan.

“I had no idea, I was just making fries,” said 19-year-old Muhammad Saleem, a food service associate at McDonald’s DriveThru.

When asked what the final thought was, Saleem said, “I— I’m embarrassed to say, but I was thinking about shoving a hot fry up Wassad’s nose. He screws up the orders all the time. The customers get mad. I have to come up front and fix everything. I was imagining the fry traveling into his brain and then down to his heart. They say the fries give you heart attacks. Please don’t tell my boss!”

Saleem never acted on this thought nor spoke it before being

NORB MATTHIESSON

The dour Dr. Yi Pi is currently engaged in searching for funding to finance a research initiative to establish correlations in thought patterns across demographics. The project is operating under the working appellation “Revelation”. He can be contacted at yipi@ yahoo.com. asked what he had been thinking.

When told what the Final Thought Event had contained, project leader Dr. Karen Jacques of the Institute displayed a marked lack of surprise. “The

“We’ve known this day was coming for a long time, but were never sure when.”

Dr. Yi Pi vast majority of original thoughts were never voiced or articulated into speech,” said Jacques, as she packed up her office supplies.

“They tend to be thoughts that would be illogical, or insulting to others. Functioning members

of society screen them through inculcated cultural filters. An example would be ‘you’re a nosy git who needs his pen lodged sideways up his arse.’”

The Final Thought Event is a major blow to the areas of art and literature which thrive on the creation of new original thoughts, but they can take heart in that most original thoughts were never put to paper or canvas.

Outside the McDonalds in Lahore a makeshift memorial has taken root. Among the slips of paper containing past original thoughts, one memorial stands out: a five-foot wide nose with a fry jammed up one nostril.

“Well, I’m glad it’s all over.

Now everyone can stop fretting about having original thoughts and simply think again,” said Dr. Pi.

April 1, 2012

Volume 80 Issue 28

News

The Monocle

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Jimmy Fallon to Start Classes on “Giggling vs. Laughing”

By REGINA IANNIZZOTTO Opinion Editor

Jimmy Fallon is known as the funny man in town. Well, now he is bringing his funny man personality to the College of Saint Rose.

We have taken on this Saint Rose graduate to indulge in the ancient teachings of giggling. Yes, you read correctly, giggling.

“What a lot of people don’t realize about giggling is that it really is good for the soul,” said Fallon. “Giggling is infectious.

When you see someone giggling, don’t you just have to giggle and you don’t know why? People always say ‘laughter is good for the soul.’ It’s true.”

Fallon plans on beginning the course with the history of giggling, not to be confused with laughter; similar, but very different. “Giggling is more of a light sounding noise when something is just a little funny. Laughter is more boisterous and more of that falling on the floor kind of movement. Giggling is a little more laid back.”

From there, he plans on talking about the movements you make when you giggle or laugh.

For instance, when you giggle, your mouth moves a little and your shoulders move forward a bit. When you laugh, your head goes backward so you are facing the ceiling. Your stomach also tightens restraining your breath.

“There’s a lot that goes into giggling and laughing that no one really thinks about. That’s what I’m here to teach. If you’re going to laugh, do it right. Go big or go home,” said Fallon.

During the class, he will add in some improvisations, or improv, lessons that will help the other person react with either giggling or laughter. “There’s nothing better than some good old fashioned improv,” said Fallon. “It’s the best activity there is.”

WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

James Thomas Fallon, Jr. in 2010

One student is particularly excited about registering for this class. Sophomore Abbey Naumowicz has been not so patiently waiting for her registration day.

“I can’t wait. I love Jimmy Fallon. It’s going to be so awesome!”

Junior Myles Clendenin said, “I absolutely love giggling and laughing. It’s one of my favorite things to do. I am so excited Saint Rose finally has a class like this.”

Sophomore Sarah Abelson, President of Outside the [Box], is very happy that Jimmy Fallon has agreed to teach this class. “[Outside the Box] has been trying to get a class like this on campus for a while and administration has finally listened. Our main goal as a club is to promote positivity and I can’t think of a better way to do that than to learn how to giggle.”

There you have it. Jimmy Fallon is coming to teach a class on giggling and everyone could not be more excited. What will this school think of next?

News

April 1, 2012

Volume 80 Issue 28

Students Help Each Other Overcome Addiction

By SUNSHINE OSELLA Managing Editor Every day students line up to purchase their favorite Starbucks drink. Students will stand in a line of 10 or more people just to get their Starbucks fix.

Dr. Bob Smith, Saint Rose staff counselor, said, “If you find yourself going to Starbucks more than once a day or being unable to make it through the day without your Starbucks fix, it may be time to admit you have a problem.”

Dr. Smith also said that he sees many students coming into counseling because they feel guilty about their inability to control themselves from purchasing Starbucks. For this reason, Dr. Smith has banded together with a select group of students to form the first ever Starbucks Anonymous (SA) group on campus.

Sally Miller, a junior education major, said that she first realized she had a problem when she started to choose to be late to class just to wait for her drink. “I knew I had hit rock bottom when

I missed a test to get Starbucks,” said Miller. Miller is one of the students who helped create SA, she believes that students need a safe place to work through this ever growing problem.

“SA will be a completely nonjudgmental place to help individuals first admit they have a problem and then to use the support of SA to work through it,” said Miller.

John Doe, a sophomore communications major, is another advocate for the creation of SA. “I was getting Starbucks three times a day until I met with Dr. Smith and he helped me see that I needed to get help.” Doe says that Dr. Smith is the main reason he was able to overcome his addiction. “I am proud to say I am now 14 days clean and counting,” said Doe. Dr. Smith explained that the main purpose of the group is to help individuals not feel alone in his or her struggle. That by coming together as a group, students can help each other gain strength to overcome the challenges that they will face in getting better.

“We [SA] follow a unique 84

step program that is fool proof.

We are really excited about showing people how simple it will be to come clean with just these 84 easy steps,” explained Smith.

Suzy Green, a junior music major, said that she depends on Starbucks to get through her grueling late night practices and thinks that an SA group would be great for her. “The support of SA could give me that extra boost and strength to begin to combat my problem,” said Green.

Green is not alone in having a need for this group, Dr. Smith already has 10 people signed up who shall, of course, remain anonymous. “But there is always room for more, we would never turn anyone away who felt they could benefit from SA,” said Dr. Smith.

The first SA meeting will be held on Friday, April 6, at 7 p.m.

The meeting will be held in the main lounge. For more information or to sign up, please contact Dr. Smith at smithb@email.com or at (444) 444-4444.

Interview With Mega Millions Winner

By REGINA IANNIZZOTTO Opinion Editor Do you plan on giving any money to charity?

I only plan on giving $1,000 to Relay for Life. I have a shopping addiction I need to support.

There’s a lot of clothes out there that need some love.

What do you plan on doing with all of that money?

I plan on buying all the TCBY’s in New York State so I can have an unlimited amount of frozen yogurt. It’s my favorite.

How has your life changed since you won?

My closet size has increased; that's the only change really.

Do you plan on staying in school?

I plan on dropping out of

school and being a full time sugar mama. Who needs school when all of this money exists?

What is the first thing you have done with the money since you won?

I threw it in the air and pretended I was Richie Rich. I ran around in a circle and jumped up and down. It was exciting. I’ve always wanted to do that.

Have any family members been super nice to you now that you've won to get a piece of the action?

My dogs are nicer to me, which seems weird, but they’re not dumb. They get the good food now.

What made you buy the ticket?

In my dream during a nap I won the lotto so I said, “What the heck let me try!”

How did you find out you won?

I was watching TV and saw my house, and was like “What the-?” So I went outside and they told me I won. I screamed, “Woo!” I was really excited.

Do you plan on ever playing again even though you've already won the big jackpot?

I don't think I'll play again. I'll let another lucky person get a try.

I’m not that greedy.

Where were you when you found out you won?

I was in my house cuddled in my bed. Part of me didn’t even want to get up because I was so comfortable, but my dogs were going nuts barking so I had to see what was going on.

April 1, 2012

Volume 80 Issue 28

Arts

New Daytime Programming Met With Mixed Results “Lifestyle” Programs Replace Much-Loved Soap Operas

By CHRIS SURPRENANT Arts Editor In the past few weeks, daytime programming has made a staggering resurgence, particularly among the coveted demographic of women 18-49. In the absence of beloved mid-afternoon soap operas All My Children and One Life to Live, audiences have flocked to thrilling new programs starring seasoned professionals no one has ever heard of to dictate how to live daily life.

Viewers have taken a bite out of ABC’s The Chew, flocking to the program’s unique combination of cooking and gossip.

Network insiders insist that The Chew is “totally different” than television personality Rachel Ray’s self-titled project, insisting that viewers need to “just trust us.” They also stated that a program such as The Chew belongs on network television because there is no other place for foodrelated programming 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

“I mean, food needs to be a part of the television world. It’s been long overdue to dedicate a show to something everyone loves, [food] and mix it with superficial gossip about D-list celebrities,” one insider said.

While The Chew is having great success with its revolutionary new concept, those involved with the series dismiss any relation to the Food Network.

“This is classy television. We have real people on this show like that guy from Unwrapped and Doctor Oz’s daughter…whoever she is.”

With the apparent interest in such lifestyle programs, ABC has continued its innovation, adding the health and wellness show The Revolution to accompany The Chew in place of the now-defunct One Life to Live. Attempting to add a bit of edge, producers have attached several big names to the project.

“I really like that guy with the glasses from that fashion show,” said one eager fan of host Tim Gunn. “He’s really good, along with Jennifer Aniston. I mean, it’s Jennifer Aniston! Who wouldn’t watch?”

“I want my stories back. I watched The Chew once. If I wanted nobodies to teach me how to cook, I’d watch that Barefoot Contessa on the Food Network,” Anonymous soap opera advocate When referring to Jennifer Aniston, the fan was mistaken. This is apparently a recurring problem plaguing the show. In reality, the woman mistaken for Aniston is actually Dr. Jennifer Ashton. However, those on the show downplay that fact, hoping to retain, “less observant viewers.”

Yet, some viewers are keener than others, including an 80 year old grandmother of seven who asked not to be named.

“You know, those studio bigwigs working for the man ought to be ashamed of themselves!

I’ve watched my stories since 1968, and now they’re trying to force feed me this [expletive]?

They think after 40 some-odd years I want to be told how to not be fat? Here’s the answer: don’t over eat and go for a walk!” the enraged viewer said.

Studio producers are quick to point out that all those in America who are home during the day, or have the opportunity to watch television in the afternoon, want to watch more reality television that “reflects their lives in the 21st century.” They have reasoned that lowering the bar in entertainment will serve a greater purpose than a compelling, meaningful, serial

drama.

“Look, we know people loved their soap operas, but it’s time for a change. I mean, look at the success of Snooki. MTV hasn’t had those kinds of ratings in years.

That’s what we need on network television in the afternoon.”

Those connected with these lifestyle programs firmly believe that by passing no-name celebrities across television screens every afternoon will enrich the lives of those who watch. The wheels are already in motion for a Jersey Shore-like program to make its way to the daytime schedule sometime in early 2013. The show is slated to present a comprehensive guide to pregnancy for irresponsible, big-haired, super-tan partiers who often find themselves in an alcohol-induced stupors.

“The idea of a daytime Snooki is very appealing to us. She is the voice of her generation, and we really think the public will fistpump to that,” a source said.

Yet, homemakers and the elderly still have their doubts. “I want my stories back. I watched The Chew once. If I wanted nobodies to teach me how to cook, I’d watch that Barefoot Contessa on the Food Network,” said one soap opera advocate.

Perhaps one anonymous elderly viewer summed it up best, “I used to watch the soaps all the time. They gave me a break from working around the house. When those ‘lifestyle’ programs came out, they bored me so much, I couldn’t watch them. I turned them off, and now I do more work for hours on end, instead of watching my stories. I’m so tired at the end of the day, I can’t even feel my legs.”

There you have it. Lifestyle programs overwork senior citizens to the point they can no longer feel their legs. ABC is now being investigated for elder abuse. Details are forthcoming.

The Monocle

Something Sour, Something Sweet:

B7

Rachel Bolton (2012)

By SUCKY O’BAD-MOVIE Guest Columnist

This week, “Something Sour, Something Sweet” has the pleasure of introducing a special guest columnist, Sucky O’BadMovie, to review Monocle columnist Rachel Bolton.

Rating- Sour I had expected better from this experience. Having heard much about this “Rachel Bolton,” I thought she would be a more interesting subject to review. As a film, I hope that my reviewer is an enthralling and attentive person, but sadly Miss Bolton is anything but.

My first issue with Miss Bolton is the manner in which she watched me. She apparently believes that it is appropriate to view films at the last possible moment. She found me on Netflix at 11:08 p.m. the night before this review was due. How she views films is highly inappropriate.

Miss Bolton slouches in her bed, dressed in her pajamas, with her laptop balanced in her lap.

What has happened to the days when people would dress in their fine clothes and go to the theater to enjoy high art films?

I was even more put out by Miss Bolton’s eating and drinking while she watched me. You would not believe the things she was consuming. Popcorn! The horror! And she was drinking the noxious liquid known as “hot co-

coa.”

I thought that the problems would end with Miss Bolton’s disastrous dietary habits, but I was wrong. Miss Bolton proves her rudeness by commenting during my showing! She added nothing intelligent to the film experience.

She has often said, “Well that was poor writing!” or “How on earth did this monstrosity get studio funding?” Or worse, her phrases would be peppered with profanity. It is distressing to hear, and as a film I am depressed by her criticism.

Miss Bolton was also an inattentive viewer as well. If I had fingers, I would run out of them counting the number of times she paused me, so she could go on that time waster Facebook or look at other webpages. I am a film! I am meant to be watched and not ignored.

I would not recommend Rachel Bolton as a reviewer to any of my film friends. She is a disgrace to her profession and not worthy of the title “reviewer.” She has insulted the art form of motion pictures with her laziness and I will not tolerate her anti-filmite comments anymore.

I stand together with my brother and sister films in this statement: We demand that this moron be immediately terminated from her position at The Monocle. We believe that a prestigious newspaper such as this deserves better. Fire her, or we films will refuse to be reviewed.

What’s that movie you’re dying to see? Is there a TV show you can’t stop talking about? Tell us! Chris Surprenant and Rachel Bolton will discuss anything and everything pop culture in The Monocle’s pages.

Email Rachel at boltonr413@strose.edu or Chris at surprenantc572@strose.edu with questions today!

C8

Opinion

The Monocle

The Biggest Mystery

By JOHN MACDONALD Contributing Writer I have discovered something.

There is a great mystery that has been slowly taking over our campus. It has been sneaking in under the radar remaining undetected and it is time that we bring some attention to it. So what could be this serious issue? Metal springs.

I’m serious. They are really there.

If you look around campus, you will notice multiple springs that flood the ground. They literally cover all the walkways in large quantities, and it has caused mass confusion and concern.

After various conversations and thoughts, I have formulated multiple theories that clearly explain all of these strange happenings.

Theory 1: Everybody dropped their pen and accidentally left the spring on the ground.

Theory 2: Birds are stealing them and dropping them around campus. But hey, it is better than what they usually leave!

Theory 3: Somebody dropped a large satchel of springs while a large gust of wind came by.

Theory 4: Aliens are sending a message to us that we need to decode. Who speaks alien?

Theory 5: Springs now have the capability of being evaporated and rain upon us at night.

Theory 6: A new species of plants blooms them and tosses them about. They are blue and only live for one day. So be careful when you put your nose up to smell them.

Theory 7: Belle’s father’s invention exploded over campus and all other pieces dissolved except for the springs.

Theory 8: We have finally figured out Tigger’s secret. I always wondered why he never broke his tail. Bouncing on it all day has got to hurt.

Theory 9: It’s all Rebecca

Black’s fault, just like war and the global warming.

Theory 10: The pogo stick ninja parade came through Albany.

Last year, they left plastic spoons.

Theory 11: An underground Spring Society has been leaving behind a trail of clues.

I personally think that theory 4 is most probable. So let’s start working towards an answer so we can finally put an end to this!

They are extremely dangerous and need to be taken care of.

They must be gotten rid of!

April 1, 2012

Volume 80 Issue 28

Hangman Write your word underneath and play a game of Hangman with your friends!

Tic Tac Toe You know the rules.

Spot the Difference! (There are six!)

ABCDEFGHIJKLM NOPQRSTUVWXYZ

(In case you forgot.) GRAPHIC/OPENCLIPART.ORG

Sudoku

April 1, 2012

Opinion

Volume 80 Issue 28

Editor's Word Search

Monocle Editors Word Search A L L E S O E N I H S N U S O B R E

P L Y I N A L I S O N L E S T E R Y

I N M T H L N S E L N R I N T J W L

N T O Y N A N L I O L A M S O C O I

N N I S O A L U I N N I I O Z G E E

E N A A T R N A A B I E A E Z W A S

N V Y M B R S E E A F Z G L I I I N

P E I C E L E N R P R N R G N S M W

S P R F I O J B Y P K L N L N N S O

Y K C I V A S L O Y R A H C A Z T R

S W A P M A L E E R W U I I I E S B

N N K I R E O M I N Y M S R A L S N

Y E N H K E R S O M R L I S N E A I

Y M W S P A I S E E E C I E I M O L

M C L N R T K R W O O R L M G R O I

R O T C J C I A O I S P E S E N H A

A M A L A N A J O J O L P J R T L C

J Y B J P W L R R S H I O N A O S A

Ian Benjamin Jackson Wang Jeremie Soemann Kelly Pfeister

C9

A Look Back at the Editors

Alison Lester Cailin Brown Chris Surprenant Emily Robertson Ian Benjamin Jackson Wang Jeremie Soemann Kelly Pfeister Malana Jojo Regina Iannizzotto Sunshine Osella Zachary Olsavicky

Name Bank Alison Lester Cailin Brown Chris Surprenant Emily Robertson

The Monocle

Opinion Editor, Regina Iannizzotto

Executive Editor, Ian Benjamin

Malana Jojo Regina Iannizzotto Sunshine Osella Zachary Olsavicky

ADVERTISEMENT

Advertising Manager, Alison Lester

Managing Editor, Sunshine Osella

C10

The Monocle

The Benefits of Owning a Large Plastic T-Rex

By JESSICA LAMOUREAUX Contributing Writer Many college students have never experienced the joys of owning a Tyrannosaurus Rex, let alone a large plastic one. This is a sad state of affairs. The large plastic dino is actually a member of the endangered species list – our time with this majestic creature may be cut short in the next decade, despite the efforts of top conservationists and dinosaur enthusiasts. With this in mind, I’d like to personally encourage my peers to do their part and adopt before it’s too late.

I am the proud owner of one of these precious animals. My T-Rex, Jimothy, is practically angelic. He has never once wet the bed and he takes care to keep his claws out of the sofa. Actually, neither of these things is really a problem. Jim is an inanimate object. Also, I don’t own a sofa.

Still, a more well-mannered creature could not possibly exist.

Jimothy is not only a pet – he has many practical uses as well.

Jim makes an excellent paper weight, and his door-stopping skills are absolutely unparalleled.

Seriously, his squishy plastic body is optimum for door-stop-

ping. Additionally, placing him in random places is likely to cause mass confusion – or at least get people to look at me funny. Leaving him on dressers or under tables is definitely enough to freak my roommate out, which I am sure she appreciates thoroughly.

Susan Walensky, Mayor of the Water Closet, had this to say about dinosaurs in general: “I love them! They’re so cute, and they’re cuddly, and they make me soup when I’m sad. Wait, don’t write that! No…dinosaurs… are… the greatest.”

Walensky also informed me that she has a giant dinosaur coloring book that she got for Christmas. I approve. She said, “It was from Johnny MacDonald - he’s the greatest!”

When asked, MacDonald only had to say that he feels “strongly” about our scaly friends.

The overwhelming consensus is that dinosaurs are pretty chill.

Adoption is cheap and spaying or neutering your dinosaur is a quick and easy process that can be performed in the comfort of your own home. If you are still on the fence, you are obviously the worst, and should invest in a $20 Tyrannosaurus Rex from the nearest Toys-R-Us. Yes, good.

Opinion

April 1, 2012

Volume 80 Issue 28

Mayor of Saint Rose: Sounds Like a Nifty Job How Things Should Be on the Saint Rose Campus

By MYLES CLENDENIN An Especially Odd Contributing Writer This has been such a bizarre month for me! Recently, ten or 20 people have told me that I am the “Mayor of Saint Rose.” I just tell them that, “I am not the Mayor of Saint Rose. I am only a very active student who cares about the other students!” After thinking about this idea of being a mayor, I wonder: What if there was a position like this on campus? Honestly, I think it would be one the fanciest, yet craziest jobs ever. I would place so many new laws that my Saint Rose “Citizens” would need to follow: 1. 5:00 p.m. Dance Time – Every day!!

Students of the College would have to stop what they are doing at this time (and that means anything) to start randomly dancing on campus. Students will have to show their best moves on the campus dance floor. When ten minutes are up, they can go back to their scheduled day.

2. Chicken Patty Day is every day!!

Why can I only eat a Chicken Patty Sandwich once a week (sometimes two weeks)? Why can’t Chicken Patties be EVERYDAY! As your mayor, I will make sure that every student gets free chicken patties every day! Yum! 3. College Recess!!

Do you ever wonder why there is no recess for college students?

It is because we are too “old” and we do not have the “time”.

There will be a 1:00 p.m. recess everyday that is mandatory for all students to attend. Students will have the opportunity to play their old recess games like jump rope, kick ball, and basketball.

4. Nicole Dama Day!!

To celebrate the success that Saint Rose senior Nicole Dama has done during her time at school, we will have a yearly parade for her success (just like the New York City Thanksgiving Parade). We will have the parade on campus and go around the quad about twelve times. There will be

various blimps and floats of Nicole Dama and her success! Did I also mention that there will be a 200-person marching band performing?

5. Good Bye Brubacher!!

Let’s be honest people. NO ONE LIKES BRUBACHER..

It is way too far away. I plan to completely knock the whole building down and make a Casino and Amusement Park. It will be a great investment for the students so they can have their own fun. I think I will call it, “Bru’s Amusement and Casino”. Wouldn’t that be awesome?

So, CLEARLY I have great ideas for the students. I would be a great Mayor of Saint Rose.

I know the students would have my fullest backup if I was elected to this new position. If you would like to vote for me, I promise that I will work my hardest to be there for the people!

Letters to the Editor Dear Monocle,

Response to Recent Complaint

There was somebody who wrote in last week about contraception, or maybe it was fracking, or maybe he was complaining about really cruddy wireless internet in their dorm? Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I disagree. A lot.

Peace, Jonathon Stanley, 21, Fontbonne Hall

Dear Editor,

Publication Appellation Misleading

I would like to tell you that the title of your publication is misleading. The Monocle implies that it can be read without the aid of glasses. When I tried to read the content of your otherwise fine publication, I misplaced my glasses. But I said to myself, “Have no fear! It’s The Monocle! No one needs glasses to read it!”

I was sadly mistaken and missed reading some of my favorite columns because of your deceptive business practices. It drove me nuts! I’ll never read your paper again.

JESSICA LAMOUREAUX

This little guy is looking for a new owner.

Sincerely, Mr. Peanut

April 1, 2012

Sports

Volume 80 Issue 28

Saint Rose Athletics to Move to Division I

By JOSHUA NATOLI Staff Writer The Golden Knights have decided to take their athletic talents from NCAA Division II competition to the next level by moving up to NCAA Division I. All Saint Rose athletic teams will make the jump after this academic semester. The Golden Knights will compete in the Big East Conference alongside Syracuse, UConn, and Louisville.

Moving up into the Division Iscene will pose a new challenge for all of the Golden Knights teams. The women’s soccer team, still riding high after their national championship win, will be faced with even better teams in their quest to win a title in two different divisions levels.

The men’s basketball team will also be thrust into a very new

situation. If the team is successful next season, they will be granted a bid into the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, the most spectacular time in sports. Seeing the Golden Knights on a tournament bracket would be an exciting sight to behold.

The men’s lacrosse team seems to face the biggest challenge out of all the squads. In the midst of their inaugural season, men’s lacrosse will face a huge task of making a transition after barely being acquainted with the Division II scene. Next year they will have to face the likes of Syracuse, a consistent powerhouse team every season.

Along with the transition to Division I comes a new addition to the Golden Knights athletic family. Saint Rose men’s football will be introduced as a new sport available at the college. Recruit-

JUSTIN COLTON

Saint Rose will be facing Syracuse at the Division I level.

ing has already begun for a team to form within the next two years.

Many changes are expected to occur with the addition.

The Christian Plumeri Sports Complex is going to be graced with a football stadium capable of seating over 30,000 people.

The big expectations for the new football squad have even reached the dining services. A very large renovation to make the dining hall larger is scheduled to be underway this summer. The renovation is said to be made to accommodate the new football players and their appetites.

The addition of a football team and new found popularity, the school will expect an increase in enrollment rates. This can lead to good and bad situations for the college. On the plus side, the school gains the notoriety it deserves. With more students comes more diversity in the academic body.

The downside of this whole division change is that Saint Rose does not yet have the facilities to manage this great transition.

The college will need to hire a lot more staff on all spectrums.

Coaches have to be hired, more teachers, janitors, dining workers, just to name a few. New dorms will have to be built, especially for freshmen.

Without new dorms, the Brubacher overflow process would be catastrophic for those unable to receive housing. The basketball court would also have to be renovated. An increase in seating would be in order, and sections to accommodate media crews would be necessary.

The rate at which Saint Rose is growing is mind-blowing. With the construction of a new dorm and business school already underway, Saint Rose has proven that it is more than capable of handling changes. These new changes in the sports department do raise the question: has the College of Saint Rose bitten off more than they can chew?

The Monocle

D11

Saint Rose to Change Nickname to Silver Knights

By JACKSON WANG Sports Editor At the beginning of the fall semester of 2012, Saint Rose will be known as the Silver Knights instead of the Golden Knights.

This decision came after multiple complaints were filed for the mascot being a silver knight.

A Saint Rose committee debated for over 72 hours on whether Saint Rose would remain the Golden Knights or become the Silver Knights. Both sides presented strong cases to prove their points.

“I really believe the Golden Knights should become the Silver Knights if the mascot is going to be a silver knight,” said Jane Smith, vice president of mascot affairs. “It just seems to make more sense to me personally.”

The jury debated for over six hours before making a decision.

“After a long discussion, we the jury believed it would be a wise choice to officially have the new nickname of Saint Rose be the Silver Knights,” said the jury.

Not everyone was happy with this decision.

“I believe Saint Rose should remain as the Golden Knights,” said senior Michael Doe. “Saint Rose has always been known as the Golden Knights and changing it to the Silver Knights just doesn’t make sense to me.”

For years now, the Golden Knights’ mascot was a silver knight. Now the silver knight will match the nickname. The Saint

Rose Silver Knights will probably take some getting used to for student-athletes.

The tuition for the College of Saint Rose will increase once again next year to replace all the current Golden Knights logo to the new Silver Knights logo.

With the nickname change, all sports teams will need new uniforms with the now “Silver Knights” on it instead of the old “Golden Knights.”

Some athletes are excited for the change.

“I’m excited for the change to the Silver Knights because we finally get new uniforms,” said junior Tyler Brown. “We can finally look good again.”

All logos throughout campus, sports facilities, and signs will have to be changed now. So don’t be surprised if the tuition continues to increase throughout the next few years.

Also, don’t be surprised if the Silver Knights get changed back to the Golden Knights. Riots have broken out on Hudson Ave. over the change. Students are flipping trucks, breaking windows in cars, and throwing televisions off of porches.

The riots have brought back memories of “Kegs and Eggs 2011,” which were caused by UAlbany students. This time, Saint Rose students will be held accountable for this incident.

“I really hope students can accept the new change,” said Smith.

“I think we just look so much better as a college.”

“I really believe the Golden Knights should become the Sliver Knights if the mascot is going to be a silver knight.”

Jane Smith

D12

The Monocle

Sports

April 1, 2012

Volume 80 Issue 28

Saint Rose Welcomes Quidditch to Athletic Department Quidditch will be the seventeenth sports team sponsored by Saint Rose

By JACKSON WANG Sports Editor In the fall of 2012, the Saint Rose athletic department will be welcoming a new sport to their fraternity, quidditch. Quidditch will be the seventeenth Golden Knights team joining the institution.

Recruiting has already begun to field a team of sixteen players. Former assistant coach John Smith from Green Mountain College has decided to take the head coach position here at Saint Rose.

“I’m very excited to be the first head coach of the quidditch team here at Saint Rose,” said Smith.

“It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity to coach quidditch and to be able to bring in the players you need to build a championship team.”

Ten student athletes have already signed their letter of commitment to the College of Saint Rose. One of those players happened to be high school All-

American chaser Nick Doe. “It’s an honor to be a Golden Knight next year and to be one of the first players to ever play on this team,” said Doe. “I can’t wait to come here and start partying, I mean playing quidditch.”

The Golden Knights quidditch team will be competing in the International Quidditch Association this fall. Some of the teams Saint Rose will be facing this fall include Boston University, Emerson College, Harvard University, University of Massachusetts, and Syracuse University.

“We will be facing some great competition this fall,” said Smith. “I think it’ll be great for these young guns to see what the intercollegiate level is all about.”

Doe is certainly excited to get out on the field and get the quidditch season underway.

“As long as the keepers block attempts and seekers get me the snitch, we’ll be okay,” said Doe. “I’ll put this team on my back and carry it all the way to the championship game. I won’t mind it, as

“I’m very excited to be the first head coach of the quidditch team here at Saint Rose” John Smith

A standard tournament snitch--note the silvered wings, and low-relief detail.

JACKSON WANG

Arts editor Chris Surprenant will be a walk-on for the quidditch team. long as I can still party after winning the championship.”

The Saint Rose athletic department has gotten all the tools needed to win the championship this fall. Saint Rose brought top of the line quaffle, bludgers, and, of course, the golden snitch.

Saint Rose will also provide its athletes with great broomsticks such as the Nimbus 2000 and Nimbus 2001.

“The Nimbus 2001’s got nothing on my firebolt broomstick,” said Doe. “With my swag and my abilities to attack the goal, I already see my name up in the Golden Knights Hall of Fame.”

The Golden Knights will need as much help as possible this fall if they want to take down quidditch powerhouse Middlebury College, who are the World Cup champions the last five years.

“I have a lot of respect for the coaches and players over at Middlebury,” said Smith. “They have a fantastic program and one day, we’ll hopefully get to that level.”

Currently, there are 100 college and high school teams from 22 states and four nations in the

The logo for the International Quidditch Association’s World Cup. International Quidditch Association World Cup with over 2,000 broom-riding athletes.

The Golden Knights will host their inaugural home game on September 2 at 7:00 p.m. against Harvard University at the Plumeri Sports Complex to kick off their inaugural season. If the Golden Knights have a successful sea-

son and reach the World Cup, the tournament will be held at Randall’s Island in New York City this fall.

“All this team needs is Nick Doe. Once you got me, you’re all set baby,” said Doe. “We are about to be the champions and I’m about to be the MVP.”